#//I love season 5 but man. it’s so saturated it feels like people forget that’s not Jack’s natural state

[bushido-jack]

//my favorite thing lately has been scrubbing the internet for decades old samurai jack edits and amvs and watching them. there’s so much love for samurai jack in them, faith that he would be back to finish his tale one day, and it fits perfectly with the time it came out lol. the edits aren’t as great as they would be with technology nowadays and the music is often linkin park but there’s always an open love for Jack and the series in there. and there’s something about seeing people love Jack even when it’s not at it’s most angsty, when it’s just seasons 1-4, without the novelty, without anything else to focus on but what makes Jack Jack.

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh Season Zero: The Yo-Yo Crimes of Jounouchi Pt 1

It’s been a while since I visited the many times Yugi should have gone to jail, AKA season Zero, and I’m excited to visit it again.

If you just got here, this is Season Zero, which is very different vibe and a different direction plotwise than the other seasons and you can read the season zero recaps from the start in chrono order here: https://steve0discusses.tumblr.com/tagged/yuugi%20muto/chrono

So be warned, this is a 90′s anime, and it will do 90′s anime things, and I expect y’all reading this aren’t like 12.

Like I said in an earlier post, I wrote this out fully when I was going through the symptoms from my second dose--which PS, is worth it--but those symptoms knocked me out for 10 days. I was kind of a space cadet, and yo, I made some mistakes. Including writing this post out in full and then not clicking “save” on this post and then not realizing I had done that until several days later.

So long story short, I don’t remember what I originally wrote here, but lets all assume it was weird, and didn’t make sense and wasn’t funny. We’ll just assume this was for the best that it was deleted forever.

So this episode is about 2 things: Yo-yos and Jounouchi. Both get used as a tool for violence, and both need to get just a little bit cursed by Yugi to scale it the hell back. So, understandably, we start off this episode with Jounouchi, who has eagerly identified with this off brand yo-yo he apparently got out of a dumpster for being just a huge ass defect.

(more Yo-Yo crimes under the cut)

I see you dodging copyright infringement, Yugioh. Eireboy.

Also whenever I read “Eireboy” I do it in my mind in the same pacing and vocal tones that Pegasus uses to say “Kaiba boy.” Something about it’s conjunction to Yugioh, I see anything with “boy” at the end of it, and it’s voiced by a weird guy with one eye.

So I wrote these caps under the influence of my second dose, just assuming y’all understand the life I lived, but I realized writing this episode...traveling bands of yo-yo performers that go to your school and shill yo-yos with yo-yo shows in the hopes that it will get you so obsessed with yo-yos that you will not join a gang and do drugs and have sex may be just an American thing.

So when I saw a yo-yo episode I was like “Tight! Clearly, the yo-yo clowns have come to town!” and I assumed everyone in this class would be draped in yo-yos, because I just assumed that at some point at School you will get MAD OBSESSED with yo-yos for about 2 weeks.

But in this episode, everyone was like “Jounouchi, why are you playing with a random yo-yo?” and it didn’t occur to me until typing this out just now: only Jounouchi is doing this. He did this unprompted, without the encouragement of a bunch of middle aged performers doing tricks to techno music.

So instead, I have to think of Jounouchi as Ralphie in this scenario, and he just got a official Red Ryder, carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifle, with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time for Christmas, but he’s gonna shoot his eye out.

Because yo-yos in this episode are basically guns.

...Kind of like a duel deck was also just a gun...

...or the wands in Harry Potter...

...which honestly...I’ve probably said this before but where I’m from, we just use straight up guns in these elaborate analogies because we freakin have to make the point crystal clear. The moment Ralphie finally got his hands on a bb-gun, he very nearly shot his eye out and broke his glasses. And that scene will haunt me until my dying day...

...but fine, we can use yo-yos, I guess it works, although to me, yo-yo’s are just teachers hoping you’ll become such a dork that no gang will accept you (and then in this universe, it does the opposite? So freakin weird).

The beginning of this episode is Jounouchi trying do his best to impress with his skills, but in actuality, getting very close to clubbing Anzu with a yo-yo. And, while Anzu is the strongest person in Yugioh in the later seasons, I feel like Season Zero Anzu is another level. It’s a serious tempt of fate that Jounouchi is doing, so Honda wisely cuts him off from doing any more of that so she won’t end up strangling yet another person in broad daylight in the middle of school.

Remember your yo-yo safety, children.

Straight up, Honda’s version of yo-yo safety is to just Never Use a Yo-Yo and that’s the most gun safety thing ever that they’ve slipped into this Yugioh Episode. I almost expected Yuugi to pull a “well, actually, I use a hunting yo-yo to get enough venison to feed my family.” But youknow, he lives in a city, so while Yugioh is pretty weird and Yuugi has to worry about a lot of things--he doesn’t have to worry about that.

This is actually foreshadowing, which I only realized in hind sight, mostly because I just can’t associate a Yo-yo with crime. Joey knowing how to use a yo-yo was foreshadowing that he was absolutely part of this gang in a past life.

Yeah that one went completely over my head the first time and the second time and it really wasn’t until just now that I finally caught it. Hoo boy, sometimes I wonder why y’all let me analyze this show.

Jounouchi decides to confront the yo-yo bandits and everyone else is like “Silly Jounouchi, he’s not gonna do that. That would be stupid.” And...in S0, they don’t know him well enough yet to know that he really is that much of a well meaning dumbass.

I think a S1-5 Yugi would have been sprinting out the door to keep Joey from killing himself (again), but Season Zero Yuugi had hope that Jounouchi would just naturally tucker out and fall asleep or something.

And he was so wrong.

Anzu’s “New Tricks” line was from the dub itself and man that’s a good line. I love Anzu’s sass in Zero.

So, Honda decides to help them find Jounouchi so all of them together could give Jounouchi an intervention for skipping school. This is the same Honda that once skipped school to babysit a tomagachi and said it was because of “Maternity leave,” but don’t worry about the hypocrisy, because from this episode we learned that Jounouchi needs a very short leash.

So this episode is a great Jounouchi episode to explain stuff that still hasn’t been explained in 5 seasons of Yugioh. In S1-5, we don’t get much about his home life other than his Mom left and his Sister lives far away and is like sickly as hell. We know nothing else. But this is the episode where we finally get to find out why Yuugi and his Grandfather decided to basically adopt him from S1 onward.

Yugioh is tackling some pretty heavy territory, but I respect the show for not trying to magically change Jounouchi’s parents like they did to Dartz. Instead, the crew decide to reach out and try to find their friend who clearly didn’t go home last night (and won’t be going back for a while), by checking every alleyway in Domino.

Fun fact Yuugi drops this episode, Domino is one of the biggest cities on Earth. This makes the Battle City Tournament even more crazy when you realize Kaiba shut down several blocks but, it also makes a tiny bit more sense how we have so many Millennium items in one place. (Yet...it still doesn’t explain Bakura and Joey’s accent.) And, I guess if your city is just extra large, you get an extra large warehouse district, too.

Speaking of, they eventually find Jounouchi at his new (but also old) crime antics mugging some random stranger next to this Game store that I just realized was cropped so it looks like it says “GANG.”

Say hello to our crime clown. He’s sort of like a discount joker, and that beanie is...man it is green.

I forget this green exists sometimes, but Season Zero has it as one of their prime colors. Good ol’ Retro Kaiba green.

I’m a little tempted to swatch Season Zero a bit and figure out their full color scheme--it’s really saturated, which is interesting when you compare it to the later seasons which are a lot more muted since...the 00′s were like that, they greyed a lot of colors out. But I’ll do it later if I do, maybe another post for another day.

Jounouchi and Honda, before they moved to the school with Yuugi in it, used to go to the same school and up until now I just assumed they were close friends. But apparently they were a lot more distant than that. I’m sure they met up several times as Jounouchi destroyed stuff and Honda came along in his volunteer janitor outfit to put the stuff the hell back, and maybe that’s how they got to know eachother better?

But basically, Jounouchi was the freakin worst, and Jounouchi’s best friend was Hirotani--this 45 year old 15 year old with the blue pony and turquoise fade--and Honda has SO MUCH hot goss to say about it.

I really get the gist that Honda may not have liked anyone else at his old school, like at all. Like maybe Honda likes cleaning up trash so much because his school was just trash top to bottom.

As is tradition, Yuugi got his tar beat in by Hirotani. Another concussion to add to his list of issues to tell his future therapist that lives in that puzzle he wears around his neck.

I still expect him to do a double cross, but it seems they wanted to keep it a relatable and more realistic fall-out, where Jounouchi has just bounced on them without even a goodbye. He and his Dad had a bad fight, and Jounouchi was like “well so long to all of this and everyone that has anything to do with it.”

In later seasons, Joey is the one trying to save other people. He’s saving his Sister, he’s saving Mai, he’s saving Yugi, but in this season Jounouchi’s friends had to save Jounouchi from himself a few times now.

I like this depth to his character, I’ll be honest. I can understand why S1-5 don’t touch on it, and I don’t think it’s because they didn’t want to have an abusive Dad storyline, because they did that several times over with Seto Kaiba (man the Dad situation in Yugioh is DIRE.) Instead they probably just felt like Season Zero already did it, so why do it again?

It’s just a shame that it wasn’t talked about in the other seasons. Joey makes a lot more sense to me now because we get to see why Jounouchi is so hard set on saving people. S4 Mai Valentine, who ditched everyone and joined a gang? That’s basically a Joey move, and that was why Joey Wheeler was all over that.

Really would have added a lot to that particular arc if the show...actually talked about Joey’s history at all rather than assume I would have watched something that was never released in the States. Instead...it just looked a lot like he had only romantic motivations, which may not have been what they were going for.

Speaking of romantic, check out this sunset. Like the sun is exploding for some reason--just a wild sunset you only see for a still frame before a commercial break.

As Joey, youknow, takes on an entire rival gang single-handedly.

Hey guys, I lived near a pretty big city most of my life and I have been on a roof...once. Just the one time when I was doing an internship in SF with a painter and we needed to take a reference photo of his painting for a gallery (and it was hella sketch, and we weren’t exactly allowed up there). Who are all these people giving teens Roof Access? It’s so hard to get! Even if you live in an apartment of a tall building, I can count on zero of my fingers the amount of times I was allowed on that roof. But TV shows and movies--they freakin love roof gardens and roof hangouts and roof fights.

Am I missing out?? How did y’all get on the ROOF? I know I’m on S5 of Yugioh now and I have seen a lot of roof stuff, but like...is this normal for everyone else? I know there’s schools that have roof sport--that’s common in the city everywhere--but that’s like...specialized roofs with 30 ft chainlink fencing and really good supports to your body doesn’t fall straight through it when you jump too much. The hell is using their normal ass roof?

This gang should have their legs swinging halfway into the floor below them, is all I’m saying, if my roof couldn’t handle our solar heating, then a normal ass roof cannot support a gang fight.

But it does look really, really cool.

Anyway, Anzu does some offscreen snooping and finds out where the crime hangs out, and suggests that we step right into crime zone and just yank Jounouchi out of there. Which is something you would only do and say if you were Anzu and cannot fear death.

If it were Jay’s it would be with an ‘s. That’s how you do a plural Jay. But it’s the 90′s, so we put a “z” on the end of everything that should have been an “s” and that’s how you get the...

I mean, thank you, dubbers, for not saying “Jizz” but for reals...that be Jizz.

Please don’t flag me, Tumblr. (which, PS, I think they turned off the flagbot, Tumblr hasn’t flagged me in forever and I’m so thankful. Mods are asleep, we can talk about anime again)

So even though Honda decided that he was fed up with Jounouchi and didn’t want to save his ass, he decided to give it another go but complete with some new sash. He also did this without telling any of the others, who just kinda spectated him for a little while.

Honestly, if they weren’t laughing at him, I wouldn’t have known that this sash was any weirder than any of his other sashes. I don’t know really know what a school uniform should look like. It’s a shame, I feel like this series has a lot of jokes and puns probably soaring right over my head.

A little bit embarrased he was caught being vulnerable, Honda decides to give us a little more context to why he ever decided to give Jounouchi the time of day in the first place.

They had PE class once, and Honda apparently loves the hell out of PE. Jounouchi ran really fast in a straight line that one time, and that is why he’s trustworthy friend material. He just needs to stop joining gangs, and he’ll be solid.

I have no idea if the fandub put that in there or if that was native to the show, but Miho legit stans Honda/Jounouchi and acts as if she’s off to write some fanfiction about it. Honestly if she did, it would make her so much more interesting of a character.

And so, until next time, we shall have to wait and see exactly what Yami Yuugi is going to do with a freakin Yo-yo and I’m sure it’s all sorts of real effed up. Excited to get there, honestly. A shame it had to happen on the part that isn’t dubbed yet, but I’ve done these subbed before, it’ll be fine!

[tea-and-cardigans]

What Fools These Mortals Be - Chapter 3

Hi Everyone, welcome to the next chapter of my multichapter Bughead AU fic.

It is Bughead, Community Theatre and a Midsummer Night’s Dream.

Once again a huge shoutout to @jandjsalmon who helped me to get this chapter (and the over all storyline) straight in my head and for also beta’ing. It is a real pleasure to work with you and share in the fangirling.

Thanks to everyone who has read, reblogged, liked and commented on the previous chapters. Much love to you all!

Chap 1 / Chap 2 / Chap 3 / Chap 4 / Chap 5 / Chap 6 / Chap 7 / Ao3 / FF.net

Chapter 3: Over Park, Over Pale

Betty couldn’t believe that Kevin had managed to convince her to come out to this stupid traditional get together they always held prior to the start of rehearsals. The last people she wanted to see were the other members of the acting troupe, not after the humiliation of her audition the day before.

Following Kevin’s cast email, she had received a text from Moose, who had landed the role of Demetrius, congratulating her on her casting and letting her know how much he was looking forward to working with her again this year. He was sweet really, when he dropped the macho attitude. She could see what Kevin had seen in him and had truly been upset for her friend when they hadn’t worked out. They had so much in common, Moose liked football and Kevin liked men who played football.

Hollering at her to hurry up from outside the bathroom door, she couldn’t help from rolling her eyes at Kevin. He regularly took longer than she did to get ready. Betty huffed at her reflection in the mirror, she looked like a mess, she would much rather stay at home gorging herself on ice-cream and coming up with the next phase of her Archie Andrews scheme, but Kevin had other ideas.

“You better be beautifying in there, Princess,” he shouted, knocking on the door dramatically for emphasis.

“I don’t want to go Kevin,” she whined back through the door.

“Look, I understand you didn’t get what you wanted - but Helena is a strong part. And as per usual you will be fantastic at it.” She opened the door a crack looking at him through it, her eyes surveying her friend’s face.

“How can you say that, Kev? I made a fool of myself up there yesterday. Forgetting lines, running off, I haven’t done that since elementary school.” She felt the anxiety rising up in her again even as she remembered what had happened. The complete and utter loss of control. She striven so hard to keep it all together, to keep everything, just right. The whole company had seen that veneer slip at the auditions and she couldn’t bear to face their sympathetic smiles and underlying judgement.“Everyone is probably wondering how I managed to even get a role after that performance let alone one of the leads. They’ll know it’s because I’m friends with you.”

“Nonsense.” Kevin pushed the door open gently, entering the small bathroom and taking both of her hands in his own. “You are a performer, Betty. A natural talent and everyone knows that. You had a small dose of stage fright. You were off your game. It was one time. That’s all.”

“But…” she tried to argue with him but he cut her off.

“But nothing. You know me, Betty. This play means everything to me and I am nothing if not a perfectionist. I would not cast you if I didn’t think you deserved it. Friend or not. Artistic integrity is important to me and so are you.” The sincerity of his words was clear in his voice and Betty relaxed her body in surrender.

“Kevin, what did I do to deserve you?” Her friend always knew what to say to bring her back out of herself.

“Well, you’re not so bad yourself, Betty.” Letting go of her hands and taking on a more authoritative stance, he moved his hands to his hips.  “Now brush your hair, wipe off that ghastly mascara that’s making you look like a sad panda, put on some lipstick, and let’s go.”

Betty gave him a mock salute in response, and reached for a tissue to remove the remains of her smudged make up. She could do this.

***

 Betty was holding onto Kevin’s arm as they entered the Whyte Wyrm, the only bar in Riverdale that was even worth going to. When Betty had been in high school it had been a hangout for the notorious bike gang the ‘Southside Serpents’. But when she had returned to Riverdale after her year in New York, it had been made over and had remodelled into a local bar that attracted many of the younger citizens of town.  It was also where the company spent their down-time through the production season. Of course, it was mainly the actors who would attend. Betty was not exactly sure where the techies hung out, or even if they did hang out when not at the theatre. Unless it was the opening night or final cast party after the last show, they kept to their own little group. She couldn’t blame them. The acting troupe, herself included as much as she hated to admit it, did not always treat them very well. Cheryl for example, would bark orders at them as if they were her own personal slaves only there to do her bidding.

 There was however, one techie who was almost certain to be there tonight. If she was being honest with herself, he was probably the bigger reason she had begged Kevin to let her get out of this meet up with the cast, surpassing even her own embarrassment from the day before.

 Jughead had took over ownership of the Whyte Wyrm with his younger sister JB when their father had been arrested several years earlier. Around the same time Betty had returned to Riverdale, FP Jones had started to change his life from that of violence and petty (and not so petty) crime that he’d participated in as a member of the Serpents. He’d turned his life around just as he began to clean up the bar he owned. Eventually though, his past deeds caught up with him and he had to pay his dues. He’d left the bar to his two kids, and they had gentrified the place.

 Betty couldn’t prevent her anxious glance towards the bar as soon as she walked through the heavy wooden door. She was hoping that maybe Jughead would have taken the night off and left JB in charge as he sometimes did during the summer and when the production was on in order to have time to commit to his responsibilities backstage.  She let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding when she could only see a bartender she didn’t recognise. There was no sign of neither Jughead nor his sister.  

 Kevin had left her at the bar heading over to talk to Cheryl, no doubt to book a time to get her measured for her Titania costume. Kevin had not shut up about the intricacies of the fabric on the walk over. Betty was sure that he was going to use the town’s supply of glitter on this production. He spoke in raptures, and she had merely nodded and given the occasional noise in the affirmative to let him know she was still, just barely, listening. Her mind had been too lost in her own thoughts.

 Shaking a certain bar owner from her head, Betty ordered her drink from the bartender and her eyes started scanning the bar for a head of ginger hair. She found Archie settled in one of the booths. She was not surprised to find Veronica tucked in by his side. She was dressed so elegantly, so perfectly, in a tight-fitting little black dress with those classic pearls still around her neck. Obviously her trademark, much like Betty who had her ponytail.

 Betty thought about walking over and joining them but decided to hang back. She was much better one on one anyway as opposed to feeling comfortable talking in a group. With her competition directly in front of her, she was sure to make a fool of herself yet again so instead she held back, observing the room before her.

 “I saw Kevin’s email.”

 Betty’s eyes closed at the sound of his voice behind her. Just her luck- Jughead Jones.

 “And here I was hoping that JB would be in tonight,” she murmured, turning back towards the bar, taking in his appearance briefly, picking up her drink, and turning away again.

 “And miss all this frivolity?” His old comfortable sarcasm saturating his voice. “JB has a night class.” Betty nodded without saying anything. It was admirable that the younger woman was still trying to get her degree after all that had happened to the Jones family. Betty had always liked JB.

 “You know, I think Kevin has quite the sense of humour,” he continued as though she hadn’t essentially turned her back on him and the bar. He knew she was listening.

 She kept her back towards him, looking out across the bar to watch Archie and Veronica talking close, leaning into each other, obviously absorbed in the conversation. In all their years at school and afterwards, she herself had never managed to have a ‘real’ conversation with Archie, she was more of an observer. She had spoken to him of course, but it was never about anything substantial and never more than a few sentences before she became flustered or Kevin was whisking her away. To be honest with herself she didn’t know him that well at all. He was just so perfectly perfect.

 “And why is that?” She told herself she wasn’t going to let him bait her, wasn’t going to let him get to her, or make her second guess herself, but she couldn’t help it. She tried to sound as uninterested as she could despite the fact that her breath caught on every note of the low timber of his voice.

 “Casting you as Helena,” he almost scoffed, his tone indicating as though it were obvious. “I mean you pursue someone who clearly is not interested, you make a fool of yourself on a regular basis, and well, I guess you’re tall.”  

 “Such a comedian.” She dead-panned as she turned on the barstool to face him. “And here I was thinking that maybe you were talking about Kevin casting your right-hand-man as Bottom.”

 Jughead scowled at this. Betty had to admit that she had been surprised to see Dilton Doiley’s name against the lead of Bottom. She had missed his audition due to her panic attack, but could only assume that Kevin knew what he was doing.  In all the years previous, Dilton had been a lynch pin within the tech department. He and Jughead seemed to be able to communicate in only looks through the show, pulling off their roles and responsibilities without a hitch. Jughead had to be feeling the loss of someone he relied heavily on and Betty was happy to have some ammo of her own to lord over him to wipe that smirk off his face.

 “I don’t know what he’s thinking.” Jughead sighed heavily, dragging his hand down his face. “And to be stuck being cast opposite Cheryl.”

 “I would have paid good money to see her face when she found out. Remember when we did Cabaret, and she made him follow her around with speakers playing her song so she could stay in the zone.” Betty giggled, and Jughead was soon laughing along with her. At the sound of his laughter, her stomach did a little flip. She remembered well the last time she’d heard him laugh genuinely, absent of his usual sarcasm. The sun shining, the taste of coffee, the brush of his fingers against hers. She forced herself to stop, her laughter ending abruptly with the memory, and she physically made herself remember other, more painful memories. The atmosphere around them shifted again to something more familiar, the distance that she’d so carefully built between them.

 He noticed the shift in her body, her guards coming back up, and his eyes unconsciously dropped to the bandaged hand holding her glass. She had had to dress it, she had cut too deep. She was grateful for the clear dressings, hardly even noticeable unless you were looking for it, which he was. She placed the hand holding her glass back onto the bar, feeling the coolness against her palm, hoping to hide her damage further only drawing attention to it . Her wide eyes met his, and there was that look again. She had seen it in the alleyway, she had seen it closing night two years ago, it was pity. She couldn’t take pity. Not from him.

 “Betts.” His hand reached for hers and she pulled it back from the bar sharply.

 “Don’t call me that, Jughead. We are not friends.”

 “Whatever makes you feel better, Betts.” His eyes had softened as he spoke, not rising to her challenge. She was itching for a fight, a verbal sparring, not for him to do whatever it was he was doing.  Panicked, she grabbed her drink from the bar, and started to make her way to Kevin. She would even put up with Cheryl if it meant that she was away from Jughead and what he did to her nerves.

   She was fully absorbed with storming across the room to tell Kevin what an ass he had working backstage when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She spun around ready to tell Jughead exactly where to go when she was faced instead with Veronica. Upon seeing the look on Betty’s face, the other woman had taken a step back and immediately removed her hand. At this Betty softened her look, instead offering an apologetic smile.

 “I’m sorry. I thought you were someone else.” Betty could feel her body relax out of its ultra-tensed state before she even realized she was speaking to her rival.

 “My fault I shouldn’t go around grabbing strangers by the shoulder. But you were like a girl on a mission,” she exclaimed with a laugh. “I’m Veronica.” She offered her hand out to Betty, which Betty took and shook not wanting to appear rude, she had been raised to always be polite.

 “I know who you are.”

 “Of course, sorry. Anyway I saw that we have been cast as Hermia and Helena, so we will be working together and I just wanted to get to know you a bit better, maybe even make friends.” A hopeful tilt was in her voice, which caught Betty off guard. The way Veronica had strutted into the theatre and the way she had interacted with the other members, Betty hadn’t thought that she would be approaching her for friendship. She didn’t imagine that a girl like Veronica Lodge would have trouble making friends.

 Veronica seemed to take her pause and collection of her thoughts as dismissal. “Or not. Hey, just thought I would say ‘hi’ at least.”

 “Sorry, no.” Betty shook her head lightly, taking a deep breath before readjusting her smile. “I’m not myself lately. I mean you saw what happened yesterday.”

 “I saw someone with a bit of stage fright who must be extremely talented if she is playing one of the main roles in this production.”

 Betty considered this take on her situation and admitted to herself that it sounded a lot better than the scenario that she had come up with in her own mind. “Thank you.” Veronica beamed back at her, readjusting her stance to one of more confidence, at Betty’s gracious smile.

 “So you obviously have been doing this for years and years, and must know all the in and outs of the group. Can I tempt you sit with me and tell me everything you know about the company? This girl needs some gossip to keep her going.” A mischievous smile crossed the brunette’s face.

 Betty couldn’t help the very real smile that was spreading across her face in response, she had not had another friend besides Kevin in so long and as much as she wanted to resent Veronica for her part in the play, her ability to converse with the other members and Archie’s obvious infatuation with her she just couldn’t.

 “Okay,” Betty said, moving towards one of the quieter booths in the bar, Veronica getting in opposite her before signalling to the bartender for a drink who nodded eagerly in response. . “What do you want to know?”

Chapter 4

[lavotha]

There are always two sides to a story

In Zen thinking, “Nothing is what it seems” is why you should question everything, as people’s intentions are not always clear. Or, simply said: Don’t judge a book by its cover!, a phrase dating back to the mid-19th century.

I was a competitive swimmer for my local club in the suburbs of Buenos Aires during my teens, and I love to swim in rivers and especially in the sea. So, I can best explain how this unprecedented world situation feels to me, by comparing it with getting caught in an undertow at the beach, sucked under a big wave. You get disoriented while the wave holds you down for what seems several eternal seconds until it lifts you again a few feet out, behind the breaking wave. Your heart is literally in your throat, and you feel like a puppet. The best is to try to keep calm, and then swim upward to the surface. You swallow the salty water getting choked, but then you spit it out and breathe again!

On December 31, 2019, Chinese authorities alerted the World Health Organization of pneumonia cases in Wuhan City, Hubei province, China, with an unknown cause. Immediately after you start hearing alarming news announced by “so-called” experts, that the virus will infect and kill millions, based on unproven facts and faulty comparisons, later refuted. Panic ensues crowding the health care system in affected countries. Instead of helping those nations to cope, the world goes into lockdown! Every man for himself. Information comes fast and pounding like a giant wave, more like a Tsunami that spares nothing on its path!

Nothing gets media coverage but “the virus” as if nothing else matters in the world. (I refuse to use its proper denomination because it is getting far too much PR from everybody else.) Drowned under waves of sensationalist news, you have to gain your calm, reflect, sort out the information, and find the real facts, compare, and form a personal opinion. Then start searching avidly and systematically for the other side, because there are always two sides to a story, never forget that!

Fear is a powerful drug

An experienced journalist friend of ours told me recently, “There is no oxygen in the media for other opinions at this time.”  The counting of the virus victims worldwide is published everywhere, day-in-and-day-out obsessively and relentlessly, as never done before! It plays on the fear of dying most of us have, causing extreme anxiety, known as Thanatophobia. (In Greek language, Thanatos refers to death, and Phobos means fear.)

Having lived under the military ruling in Argentina during my youth, I know by experience that fear is a powerful drug used by totalitarian regimes. The goal is to create an enemy, real or perceived, and then offer protection, demand total obedience, and end up exerting massive control of the population. I reacted to the present situation with the same alarm bells ringing in my whole body. How comes that with viruses every season and a plethora of other illnesses, there has never been daily worldwide public counting? Immediately, I ask myself: Are they trying to create panic and scare us purposely?

Respect other people’s opinions but dare to voice yours!

My moral values, my principles, my deeply set beliefs that have served me all my life are the underlying truths on which I base my dealings with the world. When somebody starts challenging those values and beliefs, I immediately question, especially when they are testing my fundamentals of humanity. I may not get the answers, but I will keep challenging. I have been an avid reader since a young age and I am very curious. I ask so many questions that my husband says I am like a 5-year old child. Well, I nurture that child inside me and hope it never leaves me, because it helps me in my quest for truth and meaning, particularly during difficult times.

Daniel Patrick Moynihan said: “Everyone is entitled to his opinion, but not his own facts.” I do respect other people’s opinions, but at the same time, I am more of an independent thinker. However, through the years, I learned the hard way that it is better to encourage dialogue, not hostility. You do not grow and evolve by arguing with others, but by gaining new insights, exchanging opinions, and perspectives.

You are guided in your reasoning by your experiences, good or bad. Writer B.J. Neblett said: “We are the total of our experiences. Those experiences – be they positive or negative – make us the person we are at any given point in our lives. And, like a flowing river, those same experiences, and those yet to come, continue to influence and reshape the person we are and the person we become. None of us are the same as we were yesterday, nor will be tomorrow.”

Are we losing our humanity?

I remember growing up in Buenos Aires, whenever a friend or member of the family was ill, everybody in his entourage took turns in keeping him company in the hospital or at home. Are we now being asked to leave suffering people alone? It is common knowledge that human contact helps healing, a gentle embrace, touching a hand can not only lower stress levels but also boost the immune system and promote healing. Will the human touch become obsolete? Are we going to treat every illness, every virus through isolation? Are we losing our humanity?

Humanity is the human race, which includes everyone on Earth. It also defines the qualities that make us human, such as the ability to love and have compassion by helping one another, and not be a robot or alien.The word humanity is from the Latin humanitas for “human nature, kindness.” Humanity is about caring for and helping others whenever and wherever possible; it means giving a hand when they need it the most; it is about extending unconditional love to each other and every living being on Earth. Humaneness is the quality of compassion or consideration for others, people, and animals.

Love your neighbor as yourself – Mark 12:31

Do you believe that we find strength through unity? I certainly do, but it seems to have been replaced by Run for cover and forsaking all others save yourself! In the name of the good of all, most countries agreed to go into confinement, some more than others, at different stages, in a domino effect. The slogan everywhere is: Stay home until we say so! It seems incredible that this is happening on a worldwide level!

Life in Monaco under lockdown since March 17 is calm and very civilized. I just learned it will go on till May 3. The Prince’s Government has confidence in the population and vice versa, and decide the best way to protect the people. The Mayor and his team efficiently reorganized our local market in respect of social distancing measures. Additionally, they put together a vendors’ delivery system, including pharmacies, plus meals home delivery for those who need it. The Princess Grace Hospital created a special unit to treat patients affected by the virus who need extra care.

Additionally, they offer treatment consultation online for outpatients who remain in their homes, thus avoiding overcharging the hospital. The Government strengthened psychological assistance by establishing a call center providing support during self-isolation. I find it to be a very conscientious overall approach to the situation.

We may go outdoors for brief exercise or jogging or walk the dog, allowing our bodies to absorb the necessary Vitamin D from the sun, breathe fresh air, and feel alive. The Government demonstrates they care for the overall health of the people over and beyond the virus threat, applying common sense. We made the right decision moving to Old Europe end of 2003.

View of the Monte-Carlo Casino, April 5, 2020 @Celina Lafuente de Lavotha

The market in the Condamine organized during confinement, Monaco, April 5, 2020 @Celina Lafuente de Lavotha

Remnants of the Grand Prix installations in Port Hercule, Monaco, April 5, 2020 @Celina Lafuente de Lavotha

Deserted street in the heart of Monte-Carlo, Monaco, April 5, 2020 @Celina Lafuente de Lavotha

Boulevard des Moulins with its empty boutiques, Monaco, April 5, 2020@Celina Lafuente de Lavotha

In some countries, confinement rules are far stricter, and in some cases starting to be highly oppressive, forcing authoritarian practices on their people. Civil liberties that took so much effort to conquer are being challenged. While we are in a safe and comfortable position in the Principality, I do care what happens to other fellow citizens around the world, and it has direct consequences on all of us because we are interconnected.

On the other side of the spectrum, Sweden chose not to lockdown, exercising the right to national autonomy versus totally adhering to, what seems, harsh authoritarian “new world order” demands. The Government issued sanitary guidelines, but is totally confident on their people to take responsibility themselves.

While I agree that our planet is getting a deserved rest from our overconsumption, people around the world are already suffering the catastrophic consequences of the lockdown at a social, health, and economic level. In many countries, small and medium-sized businesses will face foreclosure, unable to ride the mounting crisis.  The stock market is a roller coaster crushing many. Has the world economy been purposely reset? If so, who will benefit? Follow the money. (A catchphrase in the film All President’s Men, 1976.) 

People living from paycheck to paycheck are not even able to buy goods to endure the quarantine. Millions are already losing their jobs everywhere, and with that, their sanity and livelihood, suicide, and domestic violence are on the rise, healthy people are suffering in isolation, many in very tight quarters. The bells of the church continue to ring calling worshipers but nobody is allowed in at a time they need it the most. These issues and many others are not making headlines in the media saturated by the virus.

Everybody anxiously wonders when this kind of house arrest will end in his or her country. It makes my skin crawl when I hear proposals of massive mandatory vaccination against “the virus,” as a certificate to get out of confinement, followed by tracking and digital control of the population. Isn’t compulsory vaccination against our human rights? Do we want biometric ID systems and big data algorithms to control our lives?

Keep close to nature’s heart!

I grew up in Argentina, playing the entire time outdoors; I could not wait to get out of the house and meet my friends on the street. We drank water from a hose, played in the dirt, run in the fields, and climbed trees! We got runny noses when we had a cold; we stayed in bed a few days, had plenty of vegetable soup and chamomile tea, and lots of gentle cuddling. Our smart and adaptive immune system did the rest. My adorable grandma, who was from Spain, told me that our body is a fortress with guards who run from place to place, seeking for invaders! She nurtured the belief in my immune system. I often say that living in a developing country helped me build antibodies that ward off diseases!

But do not take just my word for it; research shows that spending time in nature is good for our bodies, minds, and spirits. That makes me wonder why we are all under forced quarantine, not only people who are ill but also the majority who are healthy. Most don’t have sunny balconies, houses with gardens, or villas with a pool and lots of space, or live on a farm or in the mountains. Research indicates that social isolation and loneliness can affect physical and mental health, and long-term isolation even increases the risk of premature death. That makes me wonder: Is placing healthy people in quarantine worsening their health more than the virus itself? Every life matters!

I invite you to read an interesting article from Harvard Health Publications titled “A prescription for better health: go alfresco,” as well as studies published in the Journal of Environmental Psychology, that acknowledges the value of spending time out in the sunshine.

The benefits of being outdoors are many. To start higher levels of Vitamin D from direct sunlight, which is known to help fight off osteoporosis, cancer, and depression, and can modulate the innate and adaptive immune responses. It offers the potential for faster healing, as spending time in the sun could help you get over an illness or injury faster. Studies show that those exposed to more natural light have quicker recoveries and experience less pain than those exposed to artificial light.

When we are outside, we are more likely to engage in physical activity than being indoors. Going outside can get your brain moving thanks to the sensory stimulation that nature provides, providing a better sense of overall health. Psychologist’s studies link time spent out in fresh air and sunshine to greater vitality, thus helping our bodies become more resilient to illness. Spending time outside greater feelings of happiness – We have a natural connection to living things, so when we are out in nature, we feel we belong in our environment and foster a sunny disposition.As said in an article by the University of Rochester, “Being outside in nature makes people feel alive.” 

Yes, I do comply with the current social distancing and quarantine rules; we eat healthy thanks to living with a man who loves to cook, I take extra vitamins, go briefly for a jog outdoors, and workout inside to keep in shape. But that does not mean I stopped thinking and questioning!

Today’s Quote 

“No oppressive order could permit the oppressed to begin to question: Why?” Paulo Freire

Postcards from confinement

I am grateful for my friends around the world for contributing photos from their towns. I hope we will all be able to regain our freedom and visit each other soon!

Nice, France – Olivier Huitel, Chrystal Pictures

The man and the sea, Nice, France April 9, 2020@OH Chrystal Pictures

The lonely beaches, Nice, France, April 9, 2020 @OH Chrystal Pictures

Promenade des Anglais, Nice, France, April 9, 2020 @OH Chrystal Pictures

The priest outside his church, Nice, France, April 9, 2020 @OH Chrystal Pictures

Bergen, Norway – Joaquin Tiago

Bergen, Norway last week in February 2020@Joaquin Tiago

Bergen, Norway (2)last week in February 2020@Joaquin Tiago

Buenos Aires, Argentina – Juli Urmenyi

El Obelisco, Avenida 9 de Julio, Buenos Aires, Argentina April 5, 2020@Juli Urmenyi

Children’s park closed, Buenos Aires, Argentina April 5, 2020@Juli Urmenyi

View of Tribunales from Plaza Lavalle, Buenos Aires, Argentina, April 5, 2020 @Juli Urmenyi

Paris, France – Lorene Edelstam

Voltaire observing the tourists Paris April 5 2020 @Lorene Edelstam

The lonely jogger along Quai Anatole France, Paris, April 5, 2020. @Lorene Edelstam

Lonely tourists strolling by an empthy Les Deux Magots, Paris, April 5, 2020 @Lorene Edelstam

Lockdown park in Paris, April 5, 2020 @Lorene Edelstam

London, UK – Ella Montclare

Pink masks and pink flowers, Kensington Gardens, London, UK, April 7, 2020 @Ella Montclare

The masked jogger along Serpentine Lake, London, UK April 5, 2020@Ella Montclare

Lonely Jogger passing Prince Albert Memorial, Kensington, UK April 5, 2020 @Ella Montclare

Swans practising social distance at the Round Pond, Kensington, London, UK April 5, 2020@Ella Montclare

From my Rear Window, Nothing is What it Seems There are always two sides to a story In Zen thinking, "Nothing is what it seems"

[stringnarratives]

Setting the Table

[This post brought to you with spoilers for the video games “Fallout 4” and “Horizon Zero Dawn,” as well as the television adaption of “The Walking Dead” (as well as the long-running comic on which it’s based, most likely) and Cormac McCarthy’s novel “The Road.”]

“I have come to believe that food is a history of the deepest kind. Everything we eat tells a tale of ingenuity and creation, domination and injustice -- and does so more vividly than any other artifact, any other medium.” - Robin Sloan, “Sourdough”

I love food.

Like, a lot. 

I love eating food, I love cooking food, I love shopping for food. And I really, really like writing about food. 

The thing is, food doesn’t usually take front-and-center focus in narrative, unless the narrative is explicitly about food. Most of the time, what or how or when a character’s eating feels like extra detail thrown in for realism; sharing a meal has been traditionally seen as a narrative method for showing how characters are bonding or becoming more intimate. 

What we fail to realize, however, is that food can be much more than that when used correctly in a narrative context. Food can be a subtle reminder of things we might otherwise forget in a story. It can be part of the environment, a great indicator of a story’s setting and of the state of the world at large. Even if the world at large has ended. 

Looking at a list of consumable items available in Bethesda’s 2015 game “Fallout 4,″  one might notice that food (we won’t talk about drinks for now) tends to fall into one of three categories: Processed and packaged foods like Sugarbombs and InstaMash, plants and produce such as fresh carrots and melons, and "protein” products including rad-rat steak and squirrel bits. 

Each of these food sources tells us a lot about the universe in which “Fallout 4″ is set, as well as the apocalyptic event that overcame it (in this case, nuclear bombardment and the radioactive meteorological events that follow). The presence of the first plays into what we’ll think of as a kind of two-factor balance of time and population. On one side of that equation, the closer that a narrative happens to an apocalyptic event, the more commercially-produced food sources will still be available for consumption, because people have had less time to drain the resource and make it unavailable. On the other side of the equation, a vastly reduced population could also result in a high saturation of commercially produced goods, because there simply haven’t been enough people around to use them. “Fallout 4″ canonically takes place 210 years after the nuclear destruction occurs, so in this case, we can rule out the former factor and focus on the latter, assuming that few people survived the... well, fallout... making the canned goods that the player character collects and eats during the game available to be consumed in the first place. 

Meanwhile, the produce and “protein” products that the player encounters for the rest of the game goes even further in placing the story in its contextual setting. Most of the crops that one can forage in the world of “Fallout 4″ are very mutated, like the tato, which is a genetic mutation combining a potato and a tomato, both of which are extinct. “Proteins” on the other hand, frequently come from the monsters that the player fights in the wasteland, many of which may share characteristics of animals from before the nuclear bombardment, but ultimately seem to have evolved different mechanisms to survive in the world that’s left. On one hand, these are constant reminders of the apocalyptic event, while on the other, they are crucial signs that what’s left of humanity is moving on, craving to reestablish themselves at the top of the food chain, adapting and learning to find new nutritional value from the weird life that is left to them. This being said, most foods in “Fallout 4″ also cause radioactivity damage to the player, reflecting the fact that despite the fact that the food’s shelf life may not be so far past that it kills you immediately, exposure to the game’s setting has taken its toll and that it too was destroyed when humans leveled everything. 

In comparison to all of the options we have for meals in “Fallout 4,” we have very few in Guerilla Games’s 2017 offering “Horizon Zero Dawn,” limiting us mostly to meat we’ve hunted and various plant products we’ve foraged. Some of the various human tribes the player encounters over the course of the game grow crops, but that’s really as far as the food situation goes. And all of this seems to make sense for the setting with which we are presented at the game’s start- one in which humanity has reverted to a somewhat more primitive state after violently exiting a highly-technological one. There are no canned goods to collect, no packaged sweets. Which makes sense. If we take the Wikia timeline as accurate, the majority of human life died out around 2066 during the Faro Plague, while the first events that the player really participates in occur in 3027. This places almost a thousand years between the main character Aloy’s existence and the events of the game and the apocalyptic "moment” which ultimately caused them.

All of these things actually play well with the narrative technique that the game uses to build a mystery about the past that also haunts Aloy. The player actually knows little about the apocalyptic event that occurred to create this tribalist system until later in the plot; the food we encounter throughout the game is very basic, possibly causing us to believe that the extinction event that occurred did not affect the Earth, which is obviously still able to support plants and animals. However, the farther we go, the more we come to realize that the planet actually had to restart from zero after the technological calamity struck, and that what we see is the result of the rebuilding effort. 

We can also see the trend of food as an indicator of setting in post-apocalyptic stories of other mediums. 

In perhaps the most popular post-apocalyptic television show to be on television ever, “The Walking Dead” also features a lot of processed and canned products that have a long shelf-life, like S’Getti Rings, chocolate pudding, and Crazy Cheese. Considering the temporal proximity of the show’s events to the initial outbreak, it makes sense that there would still be commercially-produced consumable goods available. Even if there were a rush on those foods right after "walkers” began to appear, the number of undead that appear on the show in comparison to the number of living characters we encounter (SourceFedNERD made an interesting video on this a couple of years ago), would mean that any food goods owned by those people would likely enter back into circulation through looting or adoption of those goods by other people in their parties. Assuming that many people owned at least some canned goods before the event occurred, that adds even more food to the running total available for survivors to find and consume.

So, alternating from the lack of processed foods available in “Horizon Zero Dawn,” we can infer some detail about how relatively short a time has passed since the apocalyptic event, as well as what society looked like beforehand and, generally, how many people died during the event.

Of these goods, Goo Goo Clusters, especially, also lends a special detail to the show with their appearance in season 5, episode 8 of the show. Made for more than a hundred years in Nashville, Tennessee  - a little less than 250 miles from where the story began in Atlanta, Georgia -, the candy is a small reminder of the region where the show takes place, even when things have fallen into such ruin that other icons might be hard to distinguish.  

However, in addition to processed foods, there is also a lot of foraging and farming that occurs within the televised world of “The Walking Dead.” A recap of the season 4 premiere by the Washington Post, reminds us that at one point, the group was living within the fenced-in confines of a prison, where they had essentially started their own small farm, complete with a garden and animals. A little ways down the road in season 6, episode 12, we’re also introduced to Carol’s acorn and beet cookies - a delightful, weird take on food in the show, that was also recreated on Binging with Babish not long ago and are now also in The Walking Dead cook book - while the group is in Alexandria. While both of these instances occur while the group is in a place of relative security and safety, the fact that they are able to still tease some sort of nutrition from the earth post apocalypse also serves as a subtle reminder that this particular event is human-driven and human-affected, rather than environmental. 

For our final example - our literary example - we might explore the world of Cormac McCarthy’s 2006 novel “The Road” - a story about a father and son attempting survival after some sort of extinction event in the U.S.

While we’re not specifically made aware of how old The Boy in “The Road” is meant to be, it’s inferred by his father’s actions that he was born right before or right after the apocalyptic event. Given the boy’s apparently cognitive abilities throughout the book - as well as the fact that, in a 2008 interview with Oprah Winfrey after the book’s release, McCarthy says that many of the conversations in the book were based on those with his own son (who, they mention, would have been around 8 at the time the book was published) - we might infer that between 6 and 10 years had passed since that event occurred. While we’re not really given much information about the character of the apocalypse that occurred, we can derive some thoughts from the attitudes towards food in the story.

For example, while The Boy and The Man encounter several instances of cannibalism as the story progresses, they also stumble into a bunker that has plentiful canned goods available for consumption, as well as a machine that still contains a soda at the story’s beginning. In several of the narratives we’ve discussed in this post, a kind of random stumble-upon situation for canned goods makes sense. However, upon closer inspection, the longer temporal distance between the apocalyptic event and plot of the story makes this somewhat more unsettling. There are, as we see in the book, lots of people around, in roving bands; what are the chances that no parties actively seeking food like The Boy and The Man were ever checked the same places and discovered those food sources in the decade or almost-decade following the apocalypse? Was it because cannibalism was a more reliable source of nutrition, that it was easier to shed the skin of pre-apocalyptic decency than it was to search without confirmation that sustenance would ever be found?  This raises more questions and, arguably, connections to McCarthy’s messages about maintaining humanity even in the face of uncertainty and likely failure. 

In these narratives, food goes farther than just character development and bonding. It’s an indicator of the real state of things, the attitudes and terrors that haunt the wastelands. In a way, food becomes its own technique for world-building, for sliding subtle hints to the “listener” about the the universe in which the stories take place, leaving us, in many cases, hungry for more. 

[lhnicolelegendary]

  2017 was a fun year for great movies and tv shows. But more than that it was a great year for movies and TV with powerful and inspirational female characters and their stories!

There are some true standouts that are getting a LOT of well deserved attention but some of the ones that I personally connected with the most have not gotten a whole lot of recognition. I want to take a few minuets to really talk about the ones I really love!

I am picking my top 4 Female Power fav’s from 2017 to showcase.

Before we dive in don’t forget that all this month I am running a very special giveaway for Legendary’s coming birthday! I’m giving away two big prize baskets, one that even included the elusive and wildly popular Rose Gold Minnie Mouse ears from Disney! Don’t miss your chance to enter below in the rafflecopter! So many ways to win 🙂

#1 WONDER WOMAN

This one should come as no surprise! I was going crazy when this came out in theaters, and even back in 2016 when the media campaign really kicked it up. Wonder Woman has been a source of fascination, amazement and inspiration to me since I was nine! I loved to watch the Justice League cartoon shows (and its many forms over the years) and read the comics when I could get my hands on them.

I truly do not think they could have chosen a better actress than Gal Gadot to play Diana Prince, Princess of the Amazons of Themyscira. Gal captured the innocence, the strength, the iron will wrapped in the finest silk, and the open, honest heart that is rooted in doing what is right, no matte the cost.

The genius women behind this movie broke the mold of female characters with the visuals they used. Showing all the Amazons training and fighting in ways that were not meant to entice or capitalize on sexy female body images like Marvel does so damn often. They showed these women working hard to have the skills they do and the steel bonds that weave them together. They supported each other and empowered each other to be better, and they were there for when the other fell to help them back up. That is what gave Diana such a strong moral compass, even when she had to defy her mother, and leave her home forever to do what she believed to be right.

Diana charged across the WWI battle field when no men were even brave enough to dream of doing such a thing. For me this was the most powerful part of the movie because she had no fear of facing such danger alone and she couldn’t bare the thought of just walking away from people who needed help. She stood up for those who could not stand up for themselves and that is a truly rare and inspiring act of heroism.

I loved reading all the cool tweets and articles that came out in the weeks after. One that really sticks out for me was an article with a bunch of young children’s reactions that I read on Cosmo’s site.

Seven girls playing together during recess on Tuesday, saying that since they all wanted to  be Wonder Woman they had agreed to be Amazons and not fight but work together to defeat evil.

A boy threw his candy wrapping in the floor and a 5-year-old girl screamed ‘DON’T POLLUTE YOU IDIOT, THAT IS WHY THERE ARE NO MEN IN THEMYSCIRA’

#2 SUPERGIRL

There are so many great things this show has done on 3 seasons. I loved the light-hearted quirkiness of season one with the added layers of Cat Grant snarky inspiration and powerful sisterly devotion. Then the slightly more mature, more dynamic second season where Kara learns how to love an enemy of her planet and also how much she’s willing to sacrifice to do what’s right. And now we have season three which has gone darker than both previous seasons, but I can understand why because of what Kara is dealing with, and the underlying layers of danger that are shaping her world.

I am only going to focus on the things that happened in 2017 that really got to me about this show. The biggest moment is two-fold. To save her city, Supergirl took on her revered and god-like cousin in a battle Royale that would put Superman and General Zod’s battle to shame. Clark was at his full-strength, and fighting enraged because of the effect of silver kryptonite which made him see his worst fear (General Zod, pun fully intended above). Despite the odds being so far skewed against her, and everyone in the world thinking that no one could beat Superman, Kara-Supergirl-did. And she did it on her own, with no help or interference; my mind was blown! Part two is the even bigger fold of this scenario because of what Kara had to end up sacrificing to save the innocents of National City and the world.

Mon’el and Kara had a very intense and passionate build and burn to their relationship. I have to admit I was not happy that James got thrown to the side, but I really started to like Mon’el about half way through the 2nd season. After the truth about who he was on his planet came out, that was when I fully committed to team KaraxMon’el. She loved him, truly loved him despite the stupid things he did. Then she had to do the one thing that would rip him from her life permanently. To stop his Psycho Daxamite mother from taking over she set off a bomb created by Lena Luthor that saturated the atmosphere with lead, the one thing Daxamite’s are deathly affected by. Kara knew that doing that would mean that Mon’el would die too, and it would break her heart, but she still did it.

She was able to save Mon’el but only because she put him the pod he came to earth in and sent him into space where he was sucked into a black hole that we found out in season 3 dropped him several hundred years in the future.

At the end of season 2 in ’17 even Clark came to Kara and affirmed to her that she was the superior kryptonion, and not just because she beat him, but because she made a decision that forced her to give up her heart, and Clark admitted that he would not have had the strength to do it.

There are many more reasons to love this show and the fantastic female power that it delivers every week, and that is because of the amazing cast of strong, independent and capable female characters that don’t need men to save them. Lena Luthor, Cat Grant, Alex Danvers and Meghan–in addition of course to Kara Zor-el ;D They even threw in the most popular and well-known actress who donned the Wonder Woman gauntlets and lasso, Lynda Carter, as the president of the good old US of A. It doesn’t get much more powerful than that.

#3 PITCH PERFECT

“Say your prayers because Fat Amy is coming for you.”

I had NEVER expected to see the action sequence that kicks off the whole movie and set up for an aca-spectacular finale to a franchise I love so much! (Yes, that is largely in part because of the amazing songs and musical sequences.)

The two parts of all this that got me the most focused around my fav Bella: Beca. Yes the premise of the movie, all the girls abandoning their lives to tour with the USO to perform on military bases hoping to get picked by some crazy big shot DJ to be signed by his label is very far out there, but this is not the typical Bella competition.

Beca of course immediately catches the attention of the producer, and you can totally tell he’s fascinated by her, and she in turn is strongly drawn to him, thought she seems to not realize it. Said hot producer and DJ Khaled eventually offered a contract for JUST HER but she turned it down because she is a Bella and she was not going to stab her girls in the back like that. The best part was in the end when she told the girls about it they told her she was crazy for not taking the deal! They all go on to tell her that they realize now that they don’t want to keep singing and that real friends, real sisters always support each other and don’t hold any one back from getting their dream!

The second part about this I loved so much, and something that is so NOT a normal thing in dramedies is the fact that despite the attraction, Beca didn’t fall into the arms of the hot producer, Theo, that clearly had a thing for her. Instead she held him off and made a crack about how he now worked for her and she was going to drive him crazy.

I also loved that we got to meet Fat Amy’s estranged father and the aca-crazy he brings to the already guaranteed to be a disaster shenanigans of the Bella’s. Despite Pitch Perfect’s plot having several holes, the expected final of sisterhood and female empowerment felt natural and impactful without being over done.

#4 The Bold Type

                  I am the first to say I’m not much of a contemporary books or shows that don’t have some kind of action element to it, but this gem snagged my attention right from its first seconds! I love the dynamic chemistry between all the stars of this show, but especially between the characters of Sutton, Jane and Kat. I love seeing three girls who are so inseparable. I love that when one of them does something bitchy or stupid or hurts the feelings of one of the others, instead of losing their shit, they come together, apologize and support each other.

This show broke a lot of molds like the other shows and movies I’ve listed here and they took on a hell of a line up of real issues facing women today. They took on everything from sexism and racial issue to online bullying and rape survival in a powerful season finale that had tears in the eyes of every person that has a heart.

When the series starts we find that Sutton is in a relationship with a man in a powerful position in the company. They highlighted the age-old assumption most people would have made accusing Sutton of sleeping her way up. Instead the relationship was NOT at all about that, they truly cared for each other; but they also showed the strain it put on the relationship to have to hide their love from everyone they know. Sutton is my favorite of the three girls because her personality is so close to mine, plus I loved seeing her gain her confidence to go for her dream of working in the fashion department of the magazine and finding her courage to show what a kick ass talent she is and how she refused to give up despite making many mistakes.

Little Jane is my second favorite. I like that her story focused on her admitting that she was not what her image portrayed and her journey to discovering who she is and what she really wants in her life and career. Jane had several major story lines from having to write an article admitting she had never had a Big “O”, getting into a relationship with a notorious player,  finding ways to break past the assumptions others made of her because of her look and where she worked, and having to face the fact she was positive for a gene that can cause breast cancer in women–the same cancer that killer her mother. At the end of the season they had Jane making a huge decision that put her out on her own, but I love that they showed how supportive her tough as nails boss was of it and how she knew that no matter where she was her friends would stand beside her.

Kat is a wonderfully complex character. She had some of the more crazy but impactful story lines. She dealt with falling in love with a truly beautiful and strong feminist Muslim photographer and realizing that her sexuality was NOTHING like what she had believed all her life. Her relationship with Adina was riddled with everything from cheating to getting arrested (and dealing with the ignorant hate that people have for those who look or talk differently, especially an Arab woman.) She also had to learn how to step up into being a boss and managing the people working for her. And most importantly she learned that she needed to step away from all the things that held her back from growing into the woman she wanted to become.

There are so many shows that could be included in this list but for me these are the ones that I loved the most and I hope that if you haven’t checked out any of these movies or shows, you will and see if maybe you can’t find something of yourself in all of them. I know I sure did!

❤ always LH

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'17 Screen Favs, Disney #RoseGoldEars & more on the blog #Legendary @PitchPerfect @WonderWomanFilm #Supergirl @TheBoldTypeTV #femalepower 2017 was a fun year for great movies and tv shows. But more than that it was a great year for movies and TV with powerful and inspirational female characters and their stories!

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Ranking Every NFL Team's Super Bowl Chances

With eight weeks of the 2017 NFL season in the books (we all know the Chiefs are beating the Broncos on Monday night so we can do this now), it's time to take stock of each team's Super Bowl chances. You're probably saying, "That's silly, because not all 32 teams have a chance at a Super Bowl."

You're right, but those teams are great for the purpose of making jokes.

Let's get right into it, because 32 is a lot of teams.

32. San Francisco 49ers (0-8) — lmao

31. Cleveland Browns (0-8) — lol

30. New York Giants (1-6) — OK, so maybe doing this with all 32 teams was a little ambitious. The good news is the New England Patriots are looking like the favorites to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl, and everyone knows Tom Brady can't beat Eli Manning in a Super Bowl. The bad news is the only time we're seeing Odell Beckham in a Super Bowl is in that painful ad with the Silicon Valley guy who mixes up sports terminology at the press conference like a TOTAL NERD, lol learn sports, nerd!

29. Indianapolis Colts (2-6) — What if the reason Andrew Luck hasn't played this season is because he's undergoing surgery and treatment that will allow him to become Wolverine? The reports surrounding Luck's "injury" have been odd, with the story changing every couple weeks. Even his name—Luck—would be a cool X-Men name. The Colts will be a tough out in January if their quarterback can't be tackled by regular humans.

28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-5) — When you combine a former Florida State quarterback with a former Jacksonville Jaguars offensive coordinator, you should just be happy to have the 28th-best team in the NFL.

27. Oakland Raiders (3-5) — Just move this stupid franchise to the moon already. In hindsight, a team coming off a breakout season signing a guy who had retired for a year just because he's from the area was an odd choice. And, I mean, Marshawn Lynch is clearly his own guy, so him running on the field to fight some dudes mid-game does, in hindsight, seem inevitable. We should have known the Raiders would screw this up.

26. New York Jets (3-5) — The way I see it, the Jets may have the best chance of winning the Super Bowl, because these are the Jets, and whatever they want to do, the opposite happens. Since they're trying to tank, finishing 9-7 and winning the Super Bowl has about an 80 percent chance of happening. They're the Cleveland Indians in Major League except Rachel Phelps was a much more sympathetic owner. Who wouldn't rather live in Miami than Cleveland?

25. Los Angeles Chargers (3-5) — Prove to me the Chargers weren't trying to lose to the Patriots on Sunday. When teams shave points, usually they try to hide it, but Philip Rivers fumbling with no contact and a guy running backward 15 yards to take a safety is a little too obvious. The Chargers don't want to win, so I won't raise the hopes of the 800 people in Los Angeles who care about them.

24. Chicago Bears (3-5) — Every team in the league has three wins, FYI. Mitch Trubisky completed 43 percent of his passes Sunday against the Saints, which shows why the Bears only allowed him to throw seven passes two weeks ago. An NFL quarterback completing 43 percent of passes against the Saints would be like an NBA player shooting 2-of-19 against a high school team. It's too bad someone like Deshaun Watson wasn't available at the draft when the Bears… [looks back at draft order] oh, whoops.

23. Cincinnati Bengals (3-4) — Say it out loud: "Andy Dalton, Super Bowl champion." Yeah, never gonna happen.

22. Arizona Cardinals (3-4) — If David Johnson returns in time, yeah, why not the Cardinals? He recently referred to the wrist as a "complicated limb," which tells me he's taking advantage of the painkillers. "Bro, ever think about wrists? They're like… complicated, man." If Carson Palmer is upright, weirder things have happened.

21. Washington Sports Franchise (3-4) — Bob Kraft is a buddy of Vlad Putin, but doesn't he feel miscast as owner of the sport's most hated franchise? Wouldn't Dan Snyder make more sense with the Patriots? Sadly, Snyder is an inept billionaire with a barely functioning franchise and a quarterback taking his money one mediocre year at a time. Washington's season died Sunday against Dallas, but take comfort in knowing the team will win just enough games so they won't be able to draft a franchise quarterback after Cousins leaves in the off-season.

20. Houston Texans (3-4) — Deshaun Watson might be the most talented rookie quarterback in modern NFL history, and you just know Bill O'Brien will screw it up. After his defense had shown for an entire half it was incapable of stopping the Seahawks on Sunday, he ran it three straight times, punted, and watched Russell Wilson deliver a near instantaneous death blow. When Watson wins a Super Bowl, it won't be with O'Brien clenching on the sideline in a big game.

19. Detroit Lions (3-4) — It's the Super Bowl. Lions down five. Fourth and goal. Two seconds remaining. Matthew Stafford rolls right, time expires, he throws and…Eric Ebron! Touchdown! No time left! The Lions have—hang on. Officials are gathering in the end zone. "Due to the pass being caught with no time left, the touchdown is only worth 4.5 points. Therefore, by rule, which was just invented before the play in secret in the league office, the game is over, Lions lose." The following day, the NFL will apologize for not allowing the Lions to kick the winning extra point but won't take the title away from the Patriots. I guess what I'm saying is, the Lions, no matter what, will find a way to not win the Super Bowl.

18. Denver Broncos (3-3) — You lose at home to the Giants by 13 points, I don't understand why you even show up for the rest of your games.

17. Baltimore Ravens (4-4) — The Ravens are the NFL's ideal picture of mediocrity. A quarterback that's just OK enough, a defense that'll do just enough to win a couple games, and boom, you're 8-8 at the end of the year. This will be the state of the Ravens for two decades as punishment for years of making us watch Ray Lewis dance.

16. Dallas Cowboys (4-3) — If Ezekiel Elliott's arbitrator is based in Texas and has him in fantasy football, sure, maybe he plays the whole season and the Cowboys can do it. There's no harder team to read, but if there's one thing I know about sports justice, it's that Elliott won't face any discipline until the 2021 season, when his suspension is reduced to three preseason games.

15. Tennessee Titans (4-3) — They have two very good running backs, a pretty good quarterback, a decent group of wide receivers, and a defense that's…clearly the weak link. But really, what makes the Titans different from last year's Falcons? Fine, Eric Decker isn't Julio Jones and Rishard Matthews isn't Mohammed Sanu, and…OK, fine, forget it. I almost talked myself into it.

14. Miami Dolphins (4-3) — How in the name of sweet baby Jesus has this team won more games than it has lost? I'm scrolling up from the bottom of the NFL standings as I write this, and when I saw the Dolphins here at 4-3, I did that blinking guy GIF everyone on Twitter loves. The Dolphins team on Ballers coached by Peter Berg and GM'd by Dulé Hill has a better chance of winning it all.

13. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-3) — Blake Bortles, you just won the Super Bowl, where are you going? "I'm going to Dorney Park!" No, Blake, the other amusement park. "I'm going to Busch Gardens!" No, man, forget it. If the Jags are going all the way, it's via their defense, but I think it's fun to imagine Bortles doing all he can to muck it up along the way, then lying to him that he's MVP just so you can get him to say into a cellphone camera, "I'm going to Six Flags Great Adventure!" That's viral content, my friends.

12. Green Bay Packers (4-3) — Nope. I'm sorry. The NFC North is too tough for the Packers to survive the rest of the regular season without Aaron Rodgers. What's truly torturous for fans is how many commercials that have Rodgers and injured Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. Every commercial break, you're reminded that your favorite team's season is over because the best player was broken in two. There should be a rule that if an NFL guy is out for the year, he gets replaced by his backup in any national ad campaign. Brett Hundley gets all the State Farm ads the final nine weeks. Roger Lewis Jr. gets all the Verizon ads. Sorry, but it's now in the CBA.

11. Atlanta Falcons (4-3) — The Falcons' hangover isn't a 22-year-old's hangover, where you're slightly groggy the next day but you can still attend your CrossFit Sauna Expert Master class at 6 AM; this is a 39-year-old hangover where you Google "can you die from a hangover" from your bed at 7 PM the next day. I still think if the Falcons can make themselves puke one more time before the stretch run, the Falcons can get back to the Super Bowl.

10. Carolina Panthers (5-3) — If the Dolphins are the league's worst 4-3 team, the Panthers are the league's worst 5-3 team. Cam Newton has nine touchdowns and ten interceptions in eight games and the Panthers are headed toward the playoffs because football is a crapshoot like no other sport, and players don't matter, for we are all part of a human experiment known as life where chaos and randomness rule us despite our best efforts to seek control. Eat at Arby's.

9. Seattle Seahawks (5-2) — They can't run the ball and the defense is sort of old, but you have to respect the championship pedigree. You get the sense the Seahawks are that college graduate taking a year off to "find themselves" and they'll either be better off for the journey or they'll still have zero offensive line when it's over and won't be able to find a job in a saturated marketplace when they return home. I'm mixing metaphors there but you get my point. If Sunday showed us anything, it's that when Pete Carroll, a good coach, gets in a close game with a bad coach like Bill O'Brien, he'll find a way to win, and fortunately for Seattle there are more bad coaches than good coaches in the NFL.

8. New Orleans Saints (5-2) — The Saints are Steelers South. Only instead of defense, the Saints offense has looked incredible against mostly slop. They've won five straight against the Panthers, the Dolphins, the Lions, the Rodgers-less Packers, and the Bears. There's maybe one impressive win in there. Can you really count on the Saints to shut down a really good offense? Wait, does anyone have a good offense besides the Saints? My god, they are going 14-2, aren't they? This could happen.

7. Los Angeles Rams (5-2) — It's not going to happen, but the idea of a disheveled Jeff Fisher alone in a shack watching what is mostly the same roster he had last season continue to advance in the playoffs while he mutters "7-9…7-9" to himself is a fun image. Fisher will start a Buzzfeed account and start writing things like "16 Ways Millennials Are Ruining Jeff Fisher's Life" that will just be GIFs of Sean McVay.

6. Kansas City Chiefs (5-2) — Say hello to our best hope of beating the Patriots, which, oh well, maybe next year the Patriots won't get to the Super Bowl. Imagine a superhero movie with the worst possible villain, only instead of the Avengers or Batman, the villain has to defeat Paul Blart. That's the Chiefs. The only way the Chiefs win that matchup is if our world is a feel-good comedy and not film noir directed by Christopher Nolan. Based on recent evidence in this world, what do you think happens in a Chiefs-Patriots AFC title game? Yeah, me too.

5. Buffalo Bills (5-2) — Nothing would be funnier than the Bills beating the Patriots in the playoffs. It would be the greatest 1980s movie ever where the nerd finally gets the best of the bully. Tyrod Taylor dropping 40 on Tom Brady in Foxboro would be the Lucas/Karate Kid mashup Bill Simmons wishes he sold to a movie studio ten years ago. But this is reality, and what's more likely is LeSean McCoy tearing his ACL the Friday before the game and Rob Gronkowski somehow growing a foot taller at halftime and posting 300 yards in the second half.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2) — Yeah, the Steelers have the second-best defense, but they've compiled these numbers against the Browns, the Vikings, the Bears, the Ravens, the Jaguars, the Chiefs, the Bengals, and the Lions. Outside of the Chiefs, that's just pure dreck. But there's more dreck on the schedule, so the Steelers are practically a lock to make the playoffs, which seems nuts when you consider that two weeks ago when they lost to the Jaguars you wondered if Ben Roethlisberger would retire mid-season. This league stinks.

3. Minnesota Vikings (6-2) — No. This is a glitch in the Matrix. Instead of two cats, it's Case Keenum and Sam Bradford looking exactly the same in everything they do. The difference this year is the Packers are toast without Rodgers so the NFC North is there for the taking. It's not that Vikings are bad, but I don't want to listen to people talk about how good they are. They're basically a Netflix show.

2. Philadelphia Eagles (7-1) — It's pretty tough right now for a certain segment of the U.S. population—the Eagles and the Yankees are getting really good again at the same time. And both will be really good for a long time. It's heartbreaking. There's no reason the Eagles can't win a Super Bowl this year, other than the fact they are the Eagles and they always find a way to crap their pants. You can take the Andy Reid out of Philadelphia but you can't take the Philadelphia out of Andy Reid. Or something. Fuck the Eagles, man.

1. New England Patriots (6-2) — There's no better evidence that we are living in a computer simulation run by a vindictive sociopath than the existence of the Patriots. Their idiot quarterback is 100 years old but plays like he's 28. The team cheats but nobody cares. The coach writes love letters to Donald Trump. The Pats could have and perhaps should have lost their past four games but, of course, they won them all. This team has no business still being Super Bowl favorites but it's time we just accept that this is our reality until Morpheus finds us and frees our minds. Congrats to the Patriots on another Super Bowl win.

Ranking Every NFL Team's Super Bowl Chances published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[amtushinfosolutionspage]

Ranking Every NFL Team’s Super Bowl Chances

With eight weeks of the 2017 NFL season in the books (we all know the Chiefs are beating the Broncos on Monday night so we can do this now), it’s time to take stock of each team’s Super Bowl chances. You’re probably saying, “That’s silly, because not all 32 teams have a chance at a Super Bowl.”

You’re right, but those teams are great for the purpose of making jokes.

Let’s get right into it, because 32 is a lot of teams.

32. San Francisco 49ers (0-8) — lmao

31. Cleveland Browns (0-8) — lol

30. New York Giants (1-6) — OK, so maybe doing this with all 32 teams was a little ambitious. The good news is the New England Patriots are looking like the favorites to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl, and everyone knows Tom Brady can’t beat Eli Manning in a Super Bowl. The bad news is the only time we’re seeing Odell Beckham in a Super Bowl is in that painful ad with the Silicon Valley guy who mixes up sports terminology at the press conference like a TOTAL NERD, lol learn sports, nerd!

29. Indianapolis Colts (2-6) — What if the reason Andrew Luck hasn’t played this season is because he’s undergoing surgery and treatment that will allow him to become Wolverine? The reports surrounding Luck’s “injury” have been odd, with the story changing every couple weeks. Even his name—Luck—would be a cool X-Men name. The Colts will be a tough out in January if their quarterback can’t be tackled by regular humans.

28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-5) — When you combine a former Florida State quarterback with a former Jacksonville Jaguars offensive coordinator, you should just be happy to have the 28th-best team in the NFL.

27. Oakland Raiders (3-5) — Just move this stupid franchise to the moon already. In hindsight, a team coming off a breakout season signing a guy who had retired for a year just because he’s from the area was an odd choice. And, I mean, Marshawn Lynch is clearly his own guy, so him running on the field to fight some dudes mid-game does, in hindsight, seem inevitable. We should have known the Raiders would screw this up.

26. New York Jets (3-5) — The way I see it, the Jets may have the best chance of winning the Super Bowl, because these are the Jets, and whatever they want to do, the opposite happens. Since they’re trying to tank, finishing 9-7 and winning the Super Bowl has about an 80 percent chance of happening. They’re the Cleveland Indians in Major League except Rachel Phelps was a much more sympathetic owner. Who wouldn’t rather live in Miami than Cleveland?

25. Los Angeles Chargers (3-5) — Prove to me the Chargers weren’t trying to lose to the Patriots on Sunday. When teams shave points, usually they try to hide it, but Philip Rivers fumbling with no contact and a guy running backward 15 yards to take a safety is a little too obvious. The Chargers don’t want to win, so I won’t raise the hopes of the 800 people in Los Angeles who care about them.

24. Chicago Bears (3-5) — Every team in the league has three wins, FYI. Mitch Trubisky completed 43 percent of his passes Sunday against the Saints, which shows why the Bears only allowed him to throw seven passes two weeks ago. An NFL quarterback completing 43 percent of passes against the Saints would be like an NBA player shooting 2-of-19 against a high school team. It’s too bad someone like Deshaun Watson wasn’t available at the draft when the Bears… [looks back at draft order] oh, whoops.

23. Cincinnati Bengals (3-4) — Say it out loud: “Andy Dalton, Super Bowl champion.” Yeah, never gonna happen.

22. Arizona Cardinals (3-4) — If David Johnson returns in time, yeah, why not the Cardinals? He recently referred to the wrist as a “complicated limb,” which tells me he’s taking advantage of the painkillers. “Bro, ever think about wrists? They’re like… complicated, man.” If Carson Palmer is upright, weirder things have happened.

21. Washington Sports Franchise (3-4) — Bob Kraft is a buddy of Vlad Putin, but doesn’t he feel miscast as owner of the sport’s most hated franchise? Wouldn’t Dan Snyder make more sense with the Patriots? Sadly, Snyder is an inept billionaire with a barely functioning franchise and a quarterback taking his money one mediocre year at a time. Washington’s season died Sunday against Dallas, but take comfort in knowing the team will win just enough games so they won’t be able to draft a franchise quarterback after Cousins leaves in the off-season.

20. Houston Texans (3-4) — Deshaun Watson might be the most talented rookie quarterback in modern NFL history, and you just know Bill O’Brien will screw it up. After his defense had shown for an entire half it was incapable of stopping the Seahawks on Sunday, he ran it three straight times, punted, and watched Russell Wilson deliver a near instantaneous death blow. When Watson wins a Super Bowl, it won’t be with O’Brien clenching on the sideline in a big game.

19. Detroit Lions (3-4) — It’s the Super Bowl. Lions down five. Fourth and goal. Two seconds remaining. Matthew Stafford rolls right, time expires, he throws and…Eric Ebron! Touchdown! No time left! The Lions have—hang on. Officials are gathering in the end zone. “Due to the pass being caught with no time left, the touchdown is only worth 4.5 points. Therefore, by rule, which was just invented before the play in secret in the league office, the game is over, Lions lose.” The following day, the NFL will apologize for not allowing the Lions to kick the winning extra point but won’t take the title away from the Patriots. I guess what I’m saying is, the Lions, no matter what, will find a way to not win the Super Bowl.

18. Denver Broncos (3-3) — You lose at home to the Giants by 13 points, I don’t understand why you even show up for the rest of your games.

17. Baltimore Ravens (4-4) — The Ravens are the NFL’s ideal picture of mediocrity. A quarterback that’s just OK enough, a defense that’ll do just enough to win a couple games, and boom, you’re 8-8 at the end of the year. This will be the state of the Ravens for two decades as punishment for years of making us watch Ray Lewis dance.

16. Dallas Cowboys (4-3) — If Ezekiel Elliott’s arbitrator is based in Texas and has him in fantasy football, sure, maybe he plays the whole season and the Cowboys can do it. There’s no harder team to read, but if there’s one thing I know about sports justice, it’s that Elliott won’t face any discipline until the 2021 season, when his suspension is reduced to three preseason games.

15. Tennessee Titans (4-3) — They have two very good running backs, a pretty good quarterback, a decent group of wide receivers, and a defense that’s…clearly the weak link. But really, what makes the Titans different from last year’s Falcons? Fine, Eric Decker isn’t Julio Jones and Rishard Matthews isn’t Mohammed Sanu, and…OK, fine, forget it. I almost talked myself into it.

14. Miami Dolphins (4-3) — How in the name of sweet baby Jesus has this team won more games than it has lost? I’m scrolling up from the bottom of the NFL standings as I write this, and when I saw the Dolphins here at 4-3, I did that blinking guy GIF everyone on Twitter loves. The Dolphins team on Ballers coached by Peter Berg and GM’d by Dulé Hill has a better chance of winning it all.

13. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-3) — Blake Bortles, you just won the Super Bowl, where are you going? “I’m going to Dorney Park!” No, Blake, the other amusement park. “I’m going to Busch Gardens!” No, man, forget it. If the Jags are going all the way, it’s via their defense, but I think it’s fun to imagine Bortles doing all he can to muck it up along the way, then lying to him that he’s MVP just so you can get him to say into a cellphone camera, “I’m going to Six Flags Great Adventure!” That’s viral content, my friends.

12. Green Bay Packers (4-3) — Nope. I’m sorry. The NFC North is too tough for the Packers to survive the rest of the regular season without Aaron Rodgers. What’s truly torturous for fans is how many commercials that have Rodgers and injured Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. Every commercial break, you’re reminded that your favorite team’s season is over because the best player was broken in two. There should be a rule that if an NFL guy is out for the year, he gets replaced by his backup in any national ad campaign. Brett Hundley gets all the State Farm ads the final nine weeks. Roger Lewis Jr. gets all the Verizon ads. Sorry, but it’s now in the CBA.

11. Atlanta Falcons (4-3) — The Falcons’ hangover isn’t a 22-year-old’s hangover, where you’re slightly groggy the next day but you can still attend your CrossFit Sauna Expert Master class at 6 AM; this is a 39-year-old hangover where you Google “can you die from a hangover” from your bed at 7 PM the next day. I still think if the Falcons can make themselves puke one more time before the stretch run, the Falcons can get back to the Super Bowl.

10. Carolina Panthers (5-3) — If the Dolphins are the league’s worst 4-3 team, the Panthers are the league’s worst 5-3 team. Cam Newton has nine touchdowns and ten interceptions in eight games and the Panthers are headed toward the playoffs because football is a crapshoot like no other sport, and players don’t matter, for we are all part of a human experiment known as life where chaos and randomness rule us despite our best efforts to seek control. Eat at Arby’s.

9. Seattle Seahawks (5-2) — They can’t run the ball and the defense is sort of old, but you have to respect the championship pedigree. You get the sense the Seahawks are that college graduate taking a year off to “find themselves” and they’ll either be better off for the journey or they’ll still have zero offensive line when it’s over and won’t be able to find a job in a saturated marketplace when they return home. I’m mixing metaphors there but you get my point. If Sunday showed us anything, it’s that when Pete Carroll, a good coach, gets in a close game with a bad coach like Bill O’Brien, he’ll find a way to win, and fortunately for Seattle there are more bad coaches than good coaches in the NFL.

8. New Orleans Saints (5-2) — The Saints are Steelers South. Only instead of defense, the Saints offense has looked incredible against mostly slop. They’ve won five straight against the Panthers, the Dolphins, the Lions, the Rodgers-less Packers, and the Bears. There’s maybe one impressive win in there. Can you really count on the Saints to shut down a really good offense? Wait, does anyone have a good offense besides the Saints? My god, they are going 14-2, aren’t they? This could happen.

7. Los Angeles Rams (5-2) — It’s not going to happen, but the idea of a disheveled Jeff Fisher alone in a shack watching what is mostly the same roster he had last season continue to advance in the playoffs while he mutters “7-9…7-9” to himself is a fun image. Fisher will start a Buzzfeed account and start writing things like “16 Ways Millennials Are Ruining Jeff Fisher’s Life” that will just be GIFs of Sean McVay.

6. Kansas City Chiefs (5-2) — Say hello to our best hope of beating the Patriots, which, oh well, maybe next year the Patriots won’t get to the Super Bowl. Imagine a superhero movie with the worst possible villain, only instead of the Avengers or Batman, the villain has to defeat Paul Blart. That’s the Chiefs. The only way the Chiefs win that matchup is if our world is a feel-good comedy and not film noir directed by Christopher Nolan. Based on recent evidence in this world, what do you think happens in a Chiefs-Patriots AFC title game? Yeah, me too.

5. Buffalo Bills (5-2) — Nothing would be funnier than the Bills beating the Patriots in the playoffs. It would be the greatest 1980s movie ever where the nerd finally gets the best of the bully. Tyrod Taylor dropping 40 on Tom Brady in Foxboro would be the Lucas/Karate Kid mashup Bill Simmons wishes he sold to a movie studio ten years ago. But this is reality, and what’s more likely is LeSean McCoy tearing his ACL the Friday before the game and Rob Gronkowski somehow growing a foot taller at halftime and posting 300 yards in the second half.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2) — Yeah, the Steelers have the second-best defense, but they’ve compiled these numbers against the Browns, the Vikings, the Bears, the Ravens, the Jaguars, the Chiefs, the Bengals, and the Lions. Outside of the Chiefs, that’s just pure dreck. But there’s more dreck on the schedule, so the Steelers are practically a lock to make the playoffs, which seems nuts when you consider that two weeks ago when they lost to the Jaguars you wondered if Ben Roethlisberger would retire mid-season. This league stinks.

3. Minnesota Vikings (6-2) — No. This is a glitch in the Matrix. Instead of two cats, it’s Case Keenum and Sam Bradford looking exactly the same in everything they do. The difference this year is the Packers are toast without Rodgers so the NFC North is there for the taking. It’s not that Vikings are bad, but I don’t want to listen to people talk about how good they are. They’re basically a Netflix show.

2. Philadelphia Eagles (7-1) — It’s pretty tough right now for a certain segment of the U.S. population—the Eagles and the Yankees are getting really good again at the same time. And both will be really good for a long time. It’s heartbreaking. There’s no reason the Eagles can’t win a Super Bowl this year, other than the fact they are the Eagles and they always find a way to crap their pants. You can take the Andy Reid out of Philadelphia but you can’t take the Philadelphia out of Andy Reid. Or something. Fuck the Eagles, man.

1. New England Patriots (6-2) — There’s no better evidence that we are living in a computer simulation run by a vindictive sociopath than the existence of the Patriots. Their idiot quarterback is 100 years old but plays like he’s 28. The team cheats but nobody cares. The coach writes love letters to Donald Trump. The Pats could have and perhaps should have lost their past four games but, of course, they won them all. This team has no business still being Super Bowl favorites but it’s time we just accept that this is our reality until Morpheus finds us and frees our minds. Congrats to the Patriots on another Super Bowl win.

Ranking Every NFL Team’s Super Bowl Chances syndicated from http://ift.tt/2ug2Ns6

[littlethoughtsandfeelings]

The Bachelor Australia 2017 Recap - Episode 1

The Bachelor Australia 2017 Recap S2 E1        

 I debated whether or not to review this season of The Bachelor. I recapped Georgia Love’s season of The Bachelorette, and I’m pretty sure my boyfriend was the only one who read those reviews, but here we go again.

Full disclosure: Those who read my Bachelorette Season 2 reviews will know that I wasn’t the hugest fan of Matty J. Nothing against him, he just wasn’t my number one pick for Georgia. However, I am super excited to see him (hopefully) find someone as gregarious and upbeat as him. However, if those pesky producers pull another bait and switch on us, I think that’ll be the last straw. (Let’s be honest, just until the ads roll around for the following year). On with the show!

Oh, Osher. How I have missed your liquid caramel voice! And that music! Oh, god I love this show. 

I don’t think I can ever watch that clip of Georgia telling Matty J he wasn’t the one and he puts his hands on his knees without feeling a little pang in my heart. And a pang in my soul for being so STUPID TO HAVE NOT REALISED THE BAIT AND SWITCH.

Cue shirtless-on-the-beach-looking-into-the-distance clip! And exciting, heart warming, vomit inducing montage of the season. What? That wasn’t what it was supposed to do?

Now, breaking news, Matty J was on The Project before tonight’s episode informing everyone he has officially dropped the J. Just…Matty. Previous readers might think I was elated with this news, given how much I hated the nickname when he was first introduced. But if I’m honest, Matty just sounds kind of… empty (insert joke here about empty heart and looking for love).

I swear the editors have a little checklist beside their computer of how to open every season of The Bachelor:

- Running on the beach shirtless? Check!

- De-saturated montage of heartbreak? Check!

- But now I’m totally over it and it’s totally fine speech? Check!

OH THAT’S RIGHT. HIS TERRIFYING SISTER. AND THE NEPHEW. THE WEIRD RELATIONSHIP WITH THE NEPHEW.

He’s “cooking” with his mum in the kitchen. By “cooking”, I mean refusing to cut the avocado due to some genetic rash-inducing phobia.

Then, Matty’s mum expresses her generic trepidation that he might get his heart broken again, before saying about last season’s let-down: “It was really hard for me.” Yeah well guess what, Mum? It was PROBABLY REALLY FUCKING HARD FOR MATTY J TOO.

- Slow-mo dressing at dusk? Check!

- City pan? Check!

- Close-up limo shots? Check! 

I swear, if you showed me the opening to all of the seasons, you could correlate them scene. by. scene. Which is fine. But… does anyone maybe want to do something different? Throw a different shot in? What if there was just an elephant shooting water from its trunk just shoved in the middle to see if people catch it? That’s what I would do. But hey, I guess if you’ve got a format that’s working, then why change it?

Matty and Osher meet up in front of the mansion. There’s some snooze-inducing filler-talk about love at first conversation. Yawn. A slow burn. Yawn. Even Osher’s trying to jazz it up with his leading questions but tbh, I’m only watching for the arrivals section.

Like I did last year, I’ll break down the arrivals for each lovely lady:

Alix is the first girl. Her description says, “body painter” so we all know not to take her seriously. She’s wearing an orange dress with lots of cut-outs. I think there might be more cut-outs than actual fabric. Sorry, she says the dress is red. So we know she’s a tiiiiiiiny bit colour-blind, but that’s cool. Alix has conveniently placed body paint on her arm to talk about her work and Matty pretends to be interested. As she walks away, Matty says, “She is… pretty.” And I have laughed my first belly laugh of the season. Nup. Not the one. 

Tara is next. She’s a nanny. She loves kids. (And if you remember from the montage shoved down our throat 5 minutes earlier, MATTY J ALSO LOVES KIDS. SPECIFICALLY HIS NEPHEW). Tara says, “Both of my sisters are married with children, so I’m the last one.” Ah yes, the perils of being a spinster. (Side note: I think in her talking head we hear someone question “Five hours”. Correct me if I’m wrong, but is this the first time we’ve heard someone speak behind the camera? WHO ARE YOU, MYSTERY VOICE? TELL ME WHAT GOES ON BEHIND THE SCENES! I think it’s pretty telling that I’m more interested in this than Tara). The convo’s a bit awkward if we’re honest. Matty even throws in, “Yeah. It’s a nice house.” Oh, she has tats. And she conveniently forgets which ear she has a smiley face tattooed behind. Never thought I’d be writing that sentence in my life. She’s immediately injected into Cool Girl status, by “accidentally” saying “mate” and “ay” at the end of sentences. Look, she’s one of the boizzzzzzz. She’s got a great dress, but she’s not the one.

Laura is a jewellery designer. She’s wearing a pants suit and seems much too sensible to be on this show. She makes a joke about bringing a cob loaf, which totally would have shot her straight to top three at least. The way to a man’s heart, and all that. There’s a bit of light flirtation about Matty wearing one of her rings. He says it’s appealing that she is hardworking *cough lives in Sydney cough* and is passionate about what she does *cough lives in Sydney cough*. She seems nice enough, but still not the one.

Now, Cobie! I’ve seen Cobie on the ads, and from that ten second clip I’m confident I know everything about her. But seriously, she seems quirky and funny and just like Matty J. (Remember the quiz game he made for Georgia? Cobie would totally do that kind of thing for him). She comes in with a bunch of balloons and sucks the helium and introduces herself. I thought it was sweet and cute, but they’re playing clown music underneath, which would suggest she’s not the one. Cobie reveals that she works in mining as a coal plant operator. She should have brought a piece of coal into the mansion for him! (For those reading overseas, this is a cutting-edge joke about an event that occurred recently with our politicians. It’s very funny and witty. Trust me).

And now we begin the montage, starting with Simone, who is very… white. From the hair to the teeth to the dress. Then we have Elise, Monica, Laura-Ann, Elizabeth, Steph, Sharlene, Stacey, and Sian. And as we all know, montage girls don’t get picked. 

Our lovely montage (yawn) ends on Jennifer, who wants to be “dipped”. Jennifer, a question: Is a manufactured “dip” a “real dip”? I mean, it’s not French Onion, is it? (Ha! See, you’ve all missed me).

Cue clown music again, this time for Natalie, who is a midwife (REMEMBER MATTY J LOVES CHILDREN. ESPECIALLY HIS NEPHEW). She’s just wearing glitter body paint. Kidding, but hey, it could be. It’s just a very skin-coloured dress. Natalie admits to stalking Matty on Instagram, and says the word “moist”. Lololol let’s all get on board the internet bandwagon where we all think “moist” is a gross word and oh look how relevant she’s being, and dorky, and sweet. Sigh. And then, just when I think all hope is lost for Natalie, she reveals she has dated “a woman”. She’s BI! IS THIS THE FIRST NON-HETERO BACHELOR CONTESTANT?! THIS IS INCREDIBLE. But then she says she hopes Matty can, “Turn me straight again.” Um, I’m not 100% sure it works like that, Nat. And I’m also not sure if this comment is going to help the disgusting political opinion that you can just change your sexuality on a whim. I wish I thought better of the producers than to include this, but I don’t. And then, in case things couldn’t get any worse, SHE SNIFFS HER FINGERS AFTER MEETING MATTY J. SHE SAYS THEY SMELL LIKE HIM. WHAT RATING IS THIS SHOW FOR CHRIST’S SAKE?! (Also, question: Are we sure this isn’t just Georgia Love in a wig?).

Now for the contrived moment we saw in twenty thousand ads, a police car comes in. From the ads I assumed she was just being driven in and I completely rolled me eyes, but this… this I can get on board with! SHE’S DRIVING HERSELF! IN A COP CAR! There’s a brief, unnecessary ad break before Constable Packston introduces herself. She entered with a handshake and in a cop car and THIS. WOMAN. MEANS. BUSINESS. Her first name is Michelle, and Matty accidentally (?) admits he’s been in the back of a police car, because… he peed in a bush when he was 18. Could this show be any more PG13 if it tried? Michelle seems much too sensible for this show, but they have good banter. Until Matty asks her to “mock arrest” him, in some sort of sex foreplay ritual. Matty says, “You’re quite strong for a…” (Don’t say woman, don’t say woman, don’t say woman…) “…Someone with a petite frame.” Nice work Matty! She seems great. I would say that the gag might prevent you from winning, but Lee came in with a frickin donkey, so all bets are off.

Belinda arrives already in a wedding dress, just in case Matty decides to call it all off on the first night. Her description says “Love Coach”, and I’m out. Belinda puts her hand over Matty’s heart while he does the same to her in some kind of trust exercise which also seems like a foreplay ritual. She’s also got an egg timer. Urgh, this is so awkward. Let’s just move right on.

To…Florence. She’s from Holland. She is also wearing orange… red. WHY ARE THESE COLOURS SO SIMILAR?! She’s brought something from Holland. It’s… clogs! For... traditional reasons! Right. Yes, Matty J will keep those and treasure them forever. 

Next there are feet. Bare feet but she’s walking on her tippy toes, which doesn’t make sense. Oh, wait. She’s ribbon dancing. Jesus. Well, props to amping up the parade aspects of the introductions. And then, this woman, whose name is apparently Akoulina, actually says, “I wrap myself up and I present myself as a present to you. Will you accept me?” This is my face right now: :| You can guess what my answer would have been to her question. 

But all of this nonsense leads us seamlessly into… Lisa. Who has romantic music, and is in a JUMPSUIT. And she looks FIERCE! Even Matty J comments on it. She’s very tall, and apparently that’s her defining feature. (Question: Why do we still use feet for our heights in Australia? We use the metric system for everything else). Matty is smitten. Lisa also reveals that she played competitive tennis for twelve years, which is cool. No joke there, that just really is cool. She seems nice, and he seems to like her. Matty’s talking head says, “She took my breath away.” Calm down, Matty! I thought you were open to a slow burn?! 

Oh, no. Poor Leah has made a mistake and worn her lingerie tonight. Nice move, producers. I’m guessing the villain due to the over-sexualisation and the black dress? She’s now messing up his hair. (Side note: Is Mrs Osher still the hair stylist on this show? I would be so pissed if I was her. How dare Leah ruin that perfect quiff!). She also makes him spin twice, which should be an effort in reversing the sexism on this show, but actually comes across kind of creepy and awkward. She literally tells him she wants him to f her right there. Well, she may as well have. 

Alright, first shot in the house! Leah makes an entrance. Oh boy does she make an entrance. Cobie stops her and introduces herself. Nice, Cobie.

Apparently Leah is ignoring everyone. (Did she?) Oh yep, apparently she did. All I see is her greeting everyone. Right. Villain. Tara does a little bit of slut-shaming here but I’m guessing we’re all ok with it because Leah is our villain lololol. Someone (honestly, I have no idea who anyone is. It’s the first night) says Leah is wearing her dress, but in black. OH YEAH. THEY’RE IN THE SAME DRESS. Do you think this was a last-minute re-write when costuming figured it out? *Loud whisper* PSSST, JUST MAKE IT INTO A PLOT POINT. THEY’LL NEVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. 

Then we have some contrived dramahhhh with the girls. Something happens but it’s boring and then OSHER WALKS IN! OSHERRRRRR! Save me from this boredom! He introduces them to the rose system, just in case any of them are aliens and have no idea how this show works. Matty gives them all a pep talk, because he totes knows how they’re feeling. (REMEMBER, HE’S BEEN ON THE SHOW BEFORE). 

Osher interrupts Matty because he totally forgot to mention this really important thing before. Silly Osher! This year, they have the Secret Garden, which in this context (as far as I know) isn’t a euphemism or a piece of classic literature, but a literal secret garden where they can have uninterrupted one-on-one time. What? No white rose? What a let-down…

The first girl Matty wants to speak to is Laura, the jewellery designer. The girls make a comment that she’s similar to Georgia. Really? I didn’t pick it. I mean, if we’re going to do a parallel, make it with Natalie. I swear it’s just Georgia in a wig!

Then, the power cuts out. This is apparently intentional and not due to the fact that EVERY DAMN LIGHT IN THE MANSION IS TURNED ON. DID EARTH HOUR TEACH YOU NOTHING, PEOPLE?!

And… there’s a fire dancer, because at this point, of course there is. There’s a brief ad break as the girls predictably freak out and keep asking if it’s an intruder. GUYS. IT CAN’T BE AN INTRUDER ON THE FIRST NIGHT. BY THAT LOGIC, YOU’RE ALL INTRUDERS!

Akoulina says the new girl was “Walking up to Matty and saying, ‘Look at me! Look at me!’”. Says the girl who literally did a ribbon dance.

So this exotic fire twirler’s name is Elora. She’s from Tahiti. So… she’s the reason we’re exempt from the white-washing complaint this year? Side note: I don’t really understand why the girls hold her coming in later as her fault. She doesn’t construct this show.

Elora actually seems nice, and Matty J says he feels a spark. THE SLOW BURN, MATTY. REMEMBER THE SLOW BURN. Leah (our lingerie-clad villain) makes a comment about Elora coming in half dressed, and the editors and producers don’t let me down and cut to a clip of Leah in her lingerie-dress. THIS IS THE SASS I’M HERE FOR.

Elora is described as “Sex on Legs” as she walks to steal Matty J from talking to…someone. Again, I have no idea who anyone is yet.

Akoulina, not one to be beaten with theatrics, does a ribbon twirl routine for the ladies to show how much better she is than Elora. Maybe she’s trying to seduce the girls? I’m at a loss to find any other reason for her behaviour.

Matty J, speaking alone with Elora, is interrupted by Meanie McMean Pants. Matty, God bless his soul, calmly offers for her to take a seat alongside them, but unfortunately Meanie gets away with it. Man, I want to see what’s been cut out of this section. McMean Pants says, “You’re going to see plenty of crazy”, referring to the other girls in the house. Matty, not skipping a beat, asks, “Is much of it coming from yourself?” My second belly laugh ensues.

Because you’re definitely wondering, here’s what I would do if I was the Bachelor: I’d write out a list of names of all the people, and divide up the time of the cocktail party with the number of people. I would then allocate a time to each individual and provide everyone with a watch. I would tell the people that I will come to them to collect them for their allotted 15 minute chat. Obviously I get why this isn’t the way they do it, and that they need the dramahhh, but honestly, how hard is a bit of organisation people?!

Anyway, in a weird montage that the intern definitely got to work on that week, we see that all the girls love Natalie the finger-sniffer. Then she does something with her leg, and for some reason this is a revelation. Quickly becoming our Villain Number Two, Jennifer asks, “What kind of woman does that? It’s grubby and dirty. I don’t act like that, because I’m a ladyyyyyyyyyy.” And I didn’t even have to exaggerate that last word, how handy. Leah, our villain number one, questions if anyone would even date Natalie. Well, it doesn’t look like you have a lot of offers either, mate. You’re on a DATING SHOW for Christ’s sake. Gosh women can be horrible to each other.

So I looked away for a second and apparently someone said someone else’s dress was awful and this is apparently a cause for tears and dramahhh. Sorry, “putrid”. Of course, Villain Number Two, Jennifer, is involved. The blonde lady, who I’m pretty sure is named Elizabeth, explains that they was mud on Jennifer’s dress and that’s why she said it was putrid. All credit to her, Natalie does a great impression of the fight, using blah blah blahs. 

Jennifer says that she doesn’t want drama because she’s not a “drama-filled person”. THIRD BELLY LAUGH. This fight couldn’t be more boring if they tried. And they are trying, very hard. A fight over a dress? Righto. We must be scraping the bottom of the barrel for this season. Jennifer ironically says Elizabeth is this year’s Keira. HOW DARE YOU STAND WHERE SHE STOOD, PEASANT! And this solidifies Jen as Villain Number 2. 

Leah (Villain Number 1. Phew, this is so exhausting) says she wants to show Matty her secret garden. AGAIN, WHAT RATING IS THIS SHOW?!

But then Matty comes from nowhere and invites Lisa to The Secret Garden. I know I’ve already said it, but she is ROCKING that jumpsuit. He says that she stood out on the red carpet, and he’s totally lost in her eyes. To be honest, Lisa seems a bit too cool for this. Matty says he can imagine her in her track pants on the couch chilling out, and I totally agree. Right, we have a front-runner.

Next, Jen has some one on one time with Matty. Michelle (our badass Police Officer) says she and Jen are different people, and I’m definitely on Michelle’s side. Don’t try to mess with a cop. She’ll win every time.

MATTY HAS GRABBED THE FIRST ROSE. I REPEAT: THE ROSE HAS BEEN GOTTENED. AND HE GIVES IT TO MICHELLE! MICHELLE WAS JUST SAYING SHE HASN’T SPOKEN TO HIM YET. OMG MICHELLE! YAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSS! So happy for her. She seems great. Another front-runner.

They’re all freaking out about the rose ceremony, as if they didn’t expect one to happen. There’s lots of scripted bitchiness from our Villain Number 1, Leah. I swear, they’re not even trying to make it sound like natural dialogue anymore. She says there’s lots of filler, and I actually agree with her. Yes, Leah. THERE IS A LOT OF FILLER. (Imagine this previous line said slowly while staring directly with wide eyes at Leah).

Oh, wow. We return from the ad break straight to the rose ceremony. Has anyone ever noticed that there is never a conclusion to the cocktail party? I assume it’s just because they film for hours and ply them with alcohol to get content and then just figure out how they’ll edit it later, but still. They could at least try to bring the storylines to some kind of conclusion before just cutting away.

Osher introduces… Matty. See, it still feels empty. Two are going home tonight, so I’m guessing two montage girls? Let’s place bets. Hmmm let’s go with Monica and Akoulina.

Dammit Akoulina got picked. Jennifer gets picked which makes sense because she’s still in disguise with Matty as Classy Dipping Girl.

The final three are Elizabeth, Monica, and Stacey. No, I don’t know who these people are either.

Elizabeth hopes that what happened with Jen didn’t cloud Matty’s judgement of her. Um, babe, I don’t think he was even there, was he? I don’t think he gives a shit.

But Elizabeth gets picked and crisis is averted. Monica and Stacey are going home. Monica’s goodbye is quite sad. She says there are some big personalities in the house, which she can’t compete with. I actually feel kind of bad for her. But unfortunately, you can’t stand out on this show without a big personality. 

Next Episode: Are they swimming naked? And… Cheerleading. Just in case the casual misogyny was too subtle.

First Episode Picks: Lisa and Michelle.

[flauntpage]

Ranking Every NFL Team's Super Bowl Chances

With eight weeks of the 2017 NFL season in the books (we all know the Chiefs are beating the Broncos on Monday night so we can do this now), it's time to take stock of each team's Super Bowl chances. You're probably saying, "That's silly, because not all 32 teams have a chance at a Super Bowl."

You're right, but those teams are great for the purpose of making jokes.

Let's get right into it, because 32 is a lot of teams.

32. San Francisco 49ers (0-8) — lmao

31. Cleveland Browns (0-8) — lol

30. New York Giants (1-6) — OK, so maybe doing this with all 32 teams was a little ambitious. The good news is the New England Patriots are looking like the favorites to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl, and everyone knows Tom Brady can't beat Eli Manning in a Super Bowl. The bad news is the only time we're seeing Odell Beckham in a Super Bowl is in that painful ad with the Silicon Valley guy who mixes up sports terminology at the press conference like a TOTAL NERD, lol learn sports, nerd!

29. Indianapolis Colts (2-6) — What if the reason Andrew Luck hasn't played this season is because he's undergoing surgery and treatment that will allow him to become Wolverine? The reports surrounding Luck's "injury" have been odd, with the story changing every couple weeks. Even his name—Luck—would be a cool X-Men name. The Colts will be a tough out in January if their quarterback can't be tackled by regular humans.

28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-5) — When you combine a former Florida State quarterback with a former Jacksonville Jaguars offensive coordinator, you should just be happy to have the 28th-best team in the NFL.

27. Oakland Raiders (3-5) — Just move this stupid franchise to the moon already. In hindsight, a team coming off a breakout season signing a guy who had retired for a year just because he's from the area was an odd choice. And, I mean, Marshawn Lynch is clearly his own guy, so him running on the field to fight some dudes mid-game does, in hindsight, seem inevitable. We should have known the Raiders would screw this up.

26. New York Jets (3-5) — The way I see it, the Jets may have the best chance of winning the Super Bowl, because these are the Jets, and whatever they want to do, the opposite happens. Since they're trying to tank, finishing 9-7 and winning the Super Bowl has about an 80 percent chance of happening. They're the Cleveland Indians in Major League except Rachel Phelps was a much more sympathetic owner. Who wouldn't rather live in Miami than Cleveland?

25. Los Angeles Chargers (3-5) — Prove to me the Chargers weren't trying to lose to the Patriots on Sunday. When teams shave points, usually they try to hide it, but Philip Rivers fumbling with no contact and a guy running backward 15 yards to take a safety is a little too obvious. The Chargers don't want to win, so I won't raise the hopes of the 800 people in Los Angeles who care about them.

24. Chicago Bears (3-5) — Every team in the league has three wins, FYI. Mitch Trubisky completed 43 percent of his passes Sunday against the Saints, which shows why the Bears only allowed him to throw seven passes two weeks ago. An NFL quarterback completing 43 percent of passes against the Saints would be like an NBA player shooting 2-of-19 against a high school team. It's too bad someone like Deshaun Watson wasn't available at the draft when the Bears… [looks back at draft order] oh, whoops.

23. Cincinnati Bengals (3-4) — Say it out loud: "Andy Dalton, Super Bowl champion." Yeah, never gonna happen.

22. Arizona Cardinals (3-4) — If David Johnson returns in time, yeah, why not the Cardinals? He recently referred to the wrist as a "complicated limb," which tells me he's taking advantage of the painkillers. "Bro, ever think about wrists? They're like… complicated, man." If Carson Palmer is upright, weirder things have happened.

21. Washington Sports Franchise (3-4) — Bob Kraft is a buddy of Vlad Putin, but doesn't he feel miscast as owner of the sport's most hated franchise? Wouldn't Dan Snyder make more sense with the Patriots? Sadly, Snyder is an inept billionaire with a barely functioning franchise and a quarterback taking his money one mediocre year at a time. Washington's season died Sunday against Dallas, but take comfort in knowing the team will win just enough games so they won't be able to draft a franchise quarterback after Cousins leaves in the off-season.

20. Houston Texans (3-4) — Deshaun Watson might be the most talented rookie quarterback in modern NFL history, and you just know Bill O'Brien will screw it up. After his defense had shown for an entire half it was incapable of stopping the Seahawks on Sunday, he ran it three straight times, punted, and watched Russell Wilson deliver a near instantaneous death blow. When Watson wins a Super Bowl, it won't be with O'Brien clenching on the sideline in a big game.

19. Detroit Lions (3-4) — It's the Super Bowl. Lions down five. Fourth and goal. Two seconds remaining. Matthew Stafford rolls right, time expires, he throws and…Eric Ebron! Touchdown! No time left! The Lions have—hang on. Officials are gathering in the end zone. "Due to the pass being caught with no time left, the touchdown is only worth 4.5 points. Therefore, by rule, which was just invented before the play in secret in the league office, the game is over, Lions lose." The following day, the NFL will apologize for not allowing the Lions to kick the winning extra point but won't take the title away from the Patriots. I guess what I'm saying is, the Lions, no matter what, will find a way to not win the Super Bowl.

18. Denver Broncos (3-3) — You lose at home to the Giants by 13 points, I don't understand why you even show up for the rest of your games.

17. Baltimore Ravens (4-4) — The Ravens are the NFL's ideal picture of mediocrity. A quarterback that's just OK enough, a defense that'll do just enough to win a couple games, and boom, you're 8-8 at the end of the year. This will be the state of the Ravens for two decades as punishment for years of making us watch Ray Lewis dance.

16. Dallas Cowboys (4-3) — If Ezekiel Elliott's arbitrator is based in Texas and has him in fantasy football, sure, maybe he plays the whole season and the Cowboys can do it. There's no harder team to read, but if there's one thing I know about sports justice, it's that Elliott won't face any discipline until the 2021 season, when his suspension is reduced to three preseason games.

15. Tennessee Titans (4-3) — They have two very good running backs, a pretty good quarterback, a decent group of wide receivers, and a defense that's…clearly the weak link. But really, what makes the Titans different from last year's Falcons? Fine, Eric Decker isn't Julio Jones and Rishard Matthews isn't Mohammed Sanu, and…OK, fine, forget it. I almost talked myself into it.

14. Miami Dolphins (4-3) — How in the name of sweet baby Jesus has this team won more games than it has lost? I'm scrolling up from the bottom of the NFL standings as I write this, and when I saw the Dolphins here at 4-3, I did that blinking guy GIF everyone on Twitter loves. The Dolphins team on Ballers coached by Peter Berg and GM'd by Dulé Hill has a better chance of winning it all.

13. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-3) — Blake Bortles, you just won the Super Bowl, where are you going? "I'm going to Dorney Park!" No, Blake, the other amusement park. "I'm going to Busch Gardens!" No, man, forget it. If the Jags are going all the way, it's via their defense, but I think it's fun to imagine Bortles doing all he can to muck it up along the way, then lying to him that he's MVP just so you can get him to say into a cellphone camera, "I'm going to Six Flags Great Adventure!" That's viral content, my friends.

12. Green Bay Packers (4-3) — Nope. I'm sorry. The NFC North is too tough for the Packers to survive the rest of the regular season without Aaron Rodgers. What's truly torturous for fans is how many commercials that have Rodgers and injured Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. Every commercial break, you're reminded that your favorite team's season is over because the best player was broken in two. There should be a rule that if an NFL guy is out for the year, he gets replaced by his backup in any national ad campaign. Brett Hundley gets all the State Farm ads the final nine weeks. Roger Lewis Jr. gets all the Verizon ads. Sorry, but it's now in the CBA.

11. Atlanta Falcons (4-3) — The Falcons' hangover isn't a 22-year-old's hangover, where you're slightly groggy the next day but you can still attend your CrossFit Sauna Expert Master class at 6 AM; this is a 39-year-old hangover where you Google "can you die from a hangover" from your bed at 7 PM the next day. I still think if the Falcons can make themselves puke one more time before the stretch run, the Falcons can get back to the Super Bowl.

10. Carolina Panthers (5-3) — If the Dolphins are the league's worst 4-3 team, the Panthers are the league's worst 5-3 team. Cam Newton has nine touchdowns and ten interceptions in eight games and the Panthers are headed toward the playoffs because football is a crapshoot like no other sport, and players don't matter, for we are all part of a human experiment known as life where chaos and randomness rule us despite our best efforts to seek control. Eat at Arby's.

9. Seattle Seahawks (5-2) — They can't run the ball and the defense is sort of old, but you have to respect the championship pedigree. You get the sense the Seahawks are that college graduate taking a year off to "find themselves" and they'll either be better off for the journey or they'll still have zero offensive line when it's over and won't be able to find a job in a saturated marketplace when they return home. I'm mixing metaphors there but you get my point. If Sunday showed us anything, it's that when Pete Carroll, a good coach, gets in a close game with a bad coach like Bill O'Brien, he'll find a way to win, and fortunately for Seattle there are more bad coaches than good coaches in the NFL.

8. New Orleans Saints (5-2) — The Saints are Steelers South. Only instead of defense, the Saints offense has looked incredible against mostly slop. They've won five straight against the Panthers, the Dolphins, the Lions, the Rodgers-less Packers, and the Bears. There's maybe one impressive win in there. Can you really count on the Saints to shut down a really good offense? Wait, does anyone have a good offense besides the Saints? My god, they are going 14-2, aren't they? This could happen.

7. Los Angeles Rams (5-2) — It's not going to happen, but the idea of a disheveled Jeff Fisher alone in a shack watching what is mostly the same roster he had last season continue to advance in the playoffs while he mutters "7-9…7-9" to himself is a fun image. Fisher will start a Buzzfeed account and start writing things like "16 Ways Millennials Are Ruining Jeff Fisher's Life" that will just be GIFs of Sean McVay.

6. Kansas City Chiefs (5-2) — Say hello to our best hope of beating the Patriots, which, oh well, maybe next year the Patriots won't get to the Super Bowl. Imagine a superhero movie with the worst possible villain, only instead of the Avengers or Batman, the villain has to defeat Paul Blart. That's the Chiefs. The only way the Chiefs win that matchup is if our world is a feel-good comedy and not film noir directed by Christopher Nolan. Based on recent evidence in this world, what do you think happens in a Chiefs-Patriots AFC title game? Yeah, me too.

5. Buffalo Bills (5-2) — Nothing would be funnier than the Bills beating the Patriots in the playoffs. It would be the greatest 1980s movie ever where the nerd finally gets the best of the bully. Tyrod Taylor dropping 40 on Tom Brady in Foxboro would be the Lucas/Karate Kid mashup Bill Simmons wishes he sold to a movie studio ten years ago. But this is reality, and what's more likely is LeSean McCoy tearing his ACL the Friday before the game and Rob Gronkowski somehow growing a foot taller at halftime and posting 300 yards in the second half.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2) — Yeah, the Steelers have the second-best defense, but they've compiled these numbers against the Browns, the Vikings, the Bears, the Ravens, the Jaguars, the Chiefs, the Bengals, and the Lions. Outside of the Chiefs, that's just pure dreck. But there's more dreck on the schedule, so the Steelers are practically a lock to make the playoffs, which seems nuts when you consider that two weeks ago when they lost to the Jaguars you wondered if Ben Roethlisberger would retire mid-season. This league stinks.

3. Minnesota Vikings (6-2) — No. This is a glitch in the Matrix. Instead of two cats, it's Case Keenum and Sam Bradford looking exactly the same in everything they do. The difference this year is the Packers are toast without Rodgers so the NFC North is there for the taking. It's not that Vikings are bad, but I don't want to listen to people talk about how good they are. They're basically a Netflix show.

2. Philadelphia Eagles (7-1) — It's pretty tough right now for a certain segment of the U.S. population—the Eagles and the Yankees are getting really good again at the same time. And both will be really good for a long time. It's heartbreaking. There's no reason the Eagles can't win a Super Bowl this year, other than the fact they are the Eagles and they always find a way to crap their pants. You can take the Andy Reid out of Philadelphia but you can't take the Philadelphia out of Andy Reid. Or something. Fuck the Eagles, man.

1. New England Patriots (6-2) — There's no better evidence that we are living in a computer simulation run by a vindictive sociopath than the existence of the Patriots. Their idiot quarterback is 100 years old but plays like he's 28. The team cheats but nobody cares. The coach writes love letters to Donald Trump. The Pats could have and perhaps should have lost their past four games but, of course, they won them all. This team has no business still being Super Bowl favorites but it's time we just accept that this is our reality until Morpheus finds us and frees our minds. Congrats to the Patriots on another Super Bowl win.

Ranking Every NFL Team's Super Bowl Chances published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv