#[ whenever i hear that line from legally blonde now i just think of them ]

[redstringraven]

some tension in the studio today...

[allegra-writes]

"We are Never Getting Back Together"

Armand x Daniel Molloy, Lestat x Louis

Crack, All-human AU

Teen and Up

Warnings: Mention of alcohol abuse, mention of arson, mention of animal death, vandalism against Lestat's luscious locks

Lestat and Louis keep breaking up and making it everyone's problem

Disclaimer: I don't own any recognizable character, and for legal reasons I won't be accepting tips for this story or any story set in Anne Rice's Immortal Universe. Thank you!

MY MASTERLIST

Daniel never saw himself as the kind of person who could be friends with his boyfriend’s ex. He had always thought of himself as too jealous, too possessive to be able of something like that. He knew, of course, that Armand was friends with his ex-fiance, Louis, but that was different.

Don’t get him wrong, he would still get a pang of jealousy sometimes, Louis was hot as fuck, probably the hottest person Daniel had ever met, and that was saying something. But Louis had actually been the one to introduce him and Armand, and besides, he was too wrapped up in his own relationship for his eyes or his heart to wander off. No, Daniel knew there was no space in Louis’ life for anyone but Lestat.

Lestat, beautiful, mercurial, charismatic Lestat. It had come as no surprise to Daniel, after years and years of hearing about his adventures, his charm, his talent, when his band had hit it big, going viral and topping charts with only an EP and a homemade youtube music video. 

What had come as a surprise, as Daniel interviewed the man for the San Francisco Bay Times, was how quickly they had clicked, getting along like a house on fire right from the beginning. They both had the same sardonic sense of humor, the same wanderlust, general lust for life, and if Armand was to be believed, the same recklessness. Overnight they had become besties, thick as thieves, attached at the hip, so much so it was rare to spot one on a night out without the other. Extending an invitation to one meant extending it to both of them, they were a package deal. 

Unfortunately, that also meant he was, along with Armand, his emergency contact, his first number on speed dial, and his unofficial therapist/attendant whenever he and Louis had a fight. And they fought a lot.   

He was so used by now to Lestat’s late-night emergencies, he picked up his phone before even waking up completely.

“Hmwah?” 

“Daniel, can you come pick me up?” Not even a good night, Daniel, I hope I’m not waking you up then, but Lestat’s nasal voice told him he probably was in no state to think about pleasentries. Daniel went instantly into alert.

“Lestat, what happened? Are you ok?”

Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say, because on the other side of the line, Lestat started to sob. Shit. It was going to be one of those nights, then. 

“Lestat, listen to me, are you hurt?” Daniel decided to check, just in case, “Do I need to call someone else?” Gabrielle, the police, an ambulance…

“Lou- Louis and I had a fi- …fight” Lestat hiccupped. Yeah, no shit. “Can y-you come pi- pick me up?”

Daniel sighed,

“Alright, yeah, sure. Where are you?” 

There was a beat of silence on the other side of the line, then some shuffling, as if Lestat was moving around, then a sound of distress, a little pathetic whimper before he seemed to give up.

“Can’t Armand just track my phone?”

Armand was already sitting up on the bed, iPad in hand,

“I got him, let’s go”

Twenty-five minutes later, they were in the bay, parking in front of the seedy bar their friend had undoubtedly been drowning his sorrows in before being cut off, looking for a blonde head of hair in the small crowd. 

“There,” Armand pointed at a slouched figure sitting criss-crossed applesauce on the sidewalk. 

No wonder Daniel hadn’t spotted him before, he was looking for a blonde, and Lestat’s hair was a dirty reddish-purple. Just what the hell had happened to his friend this time?

It took Daniel’s and Armand’s combined strength to pull Lestat up and stuff him into the back seat, uncooperative as he was being.

“Give me the keys” Daniel pretty much demanded once they had managed to close the door without Lestat toppling over.

Armand frowned,

“Why?”

“Because you drive like a maniac” Daniel explained, trying to suppress an eye-roll, “and Lestat’s totaled, so unless you want to be scrubbing his diner off the upholstery at sunrise, you’ll let me drive”

His boyfriend did roll his eyes but tossed the keys at him anyway. 

“Fine. But if he does end up getting sick, you’ll be the one cleaning it”

“Yes, boss” Daniel muttered under his breath as he turned the ignition. A quick side glance at Armand’s unamused face told him he had been heard. 

“Love ya” He offered, sheepishly. There was a choked sound coming from behind. Then, not ten seconds later, full-on wailing as Lestat cried, 

“Louis used to love me!”

“Louis does love you, Lestat” Armand deadpanned, the picture of disinterest on the passenger seat.

“No, he doesn’t!” Lestat all but shrieked, “He called me a sow’s ear! He said I was thin and carping!”

A sow’s ear? Who talked like that anymore? What did that even mean?

Armand let out a pensive hum.

“You are carping. Probably why you get along so well with Daniel…”

Daniel huffed, 

“We’re not carping, we’re simply brutally honest. And for what it’s worth, Lestat, you’re thick af. I think Louis was just trying to hurt you”

“You think I’m thick?” Lestat sniffed. Of course, that was the part he was latching onto.

“Yes, Lestat, you are thick, beefy, swoll, ripped, more strapping than Michelangelo’s David” Daniel could almost physically feel Armand’s new eye-roll, “Happy?”

Jesus.

“Babe… Is there something I should know?”

“Yes, Daniel, Lestat and I are having the most scandalous and torrid illicit affair” His boyfriend spoke at him  in the same bored tone he had used for Lestat, “We’re planning on eloping”

“... Imp”

“... Asshole”

“Brats”

Lestat and Daniel sulked in silence for a while, but at least the blonde had stopped crying. Speaking of, 

“Lestat, what happened to your hair?”

“Louis threw his drink at me” 

Just what was in that drink? Cool- aid? Manic panic? Daniel hoped Lestat had some strong clarifying shampoo at home. It was a testament to Lestat’s love for Louis that the normally vain rock star didn’t even seem to care about his hair at all at the moment.

“He made a mess of me and then broke up with me in front of the whole bar! People had their phones out! It was so humiliating! And then the blaireau blocked me! I tried to call him forty-three times. Look!”

Lestat almost fell to the front seat trying to press his cell phone to Daniel’s ear to show him.

“It’s ok, dude, I believe you,” He said. Then, because he evidently loved to voice the most controversial opinion no matter what, he told him, “Maybe it’s not a bad thing, you know? Maybe it’ll be good for you not to talk to each other for a while…”

Lestat looked completely bewildered. Armand looked alarmed.

“What do you mean?”

Armand was frantically gesturing at Daniel to shut his mouth, but Daniel being the absolute idiot that he was, kept talking.

“Well, I love Louis, you guys know I do. But maybe you guys are…” Dysfunctional? Toxic? More fucked up than Courtney and Kurt? “Not very healthy together. Maybe some time apart will be good for you”

Daniel was sure if the gesture wasn’t so undignified, Armand would have facepalmed. Lestat, on his part, let out an incredulous bark of laugh.

“Not healthy? No, no, we’re passionate. We can be intense sometimes but it’s only cause we love each other so much…”

“Lestat, he set your house on fire once” 

He shrugged,

“So what? He set Armand’s dorm on fire once too”

Daniel felt his jaw drop,

“You realize that makes it worse, don’t you?”

“I don’t know, Daniel” Armand mused, “I had killed his cat…”

“Not on purpose!” Daniel missed the look Lestat and Armand exchanged in the rearview mirror before the latter uttered a dry, 

“Right”

“All I’m trying to say” Yeah, Daniel never knew when to shut up, “is maybe you guys should take a break. You know, explore other options” Daniel really thought he would convince him with that one. How naive of him.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Daniel, there’s no one for me but Louis!” And Antoine, and David, and Dora, and Jesse, and Rowan and Gretchen and- “A break? A break?? What would he want a break for? No, Louis and I are forever, he is MINE! There is a CHORD tying us together, an unbreakable bond! He might not see it, but it is REAL!”

 The rest of Lestats rant went on in a french too fast for Daniel to even try to understand, but he got the gist. Armand occasionally threw the perfunctory dirty look at Daniel, but by the time they reach their apartment, Lestat had worn himself out. It was a struggle to get him to the elevator and an even bigger struggle to get him through the hall. There was a perilous moment right after they got inside when Daniel had aimed for the living room and Armand aimed for the kitchen, and they had almost ended up a tangle of limbs on the floor.

“Dude, where are you going?”

“He is not sleeping on the Massaud like that” Armand’s tone broke no argument, making Daniel sigh but immediately yield, following Armand’s lead to the kitchen sink, where Lestat came to just enough to curse at the cold water being poured over the back of his head, but even he in his drunken state knew there was no use fighting when it came to Armand and his ridiculously expensive couch, so he remained pliant as they scrubbed his head with dish soap.

“Well, shit” Daniel declared when it was clear no matter how much they rubbed, rinsed, and repeated, Lestat's previously golden locks were now a bold shade of magenta. 

“Wha?” His friend made a valiant attempt to ask, but his unfocused stare made it clear he wouldn’t understand -much less remember- what happening around him.

“Nothing, buddy” Daniel was swift to reassure him anyway. If anyone could relate to the confusion, vulnerability, and physical discomforts Lestat was undoubtedly feeling, it was him. “Just, Louis left you something to remember him in the morning…”

Lestat’s already glassy eyes lit up at the mention of his (ex) boyfriend,

“A present?”

Daniel sighed, 

“Yeah, dude. Something like that…”

Next to him, Armand took his phone out and snapped a quick picture. Daniel didn’t even bother scolding him.

“For Claudia?” He asked. Armand nodded. Louis’ little sister and he only ever saw eye to eye to talk shit about Lestat. 

“Claudia?” Daniel tried not to laugh at Lestat’s panicked expression and the way his eyes darted around the room searching for the nonexistent threat. 

“She’s not here, you can relax, dude” 

The former blonde visibly deflated, the tension leaving his frame, making Daniel adjust his hold so as not to drop him as he guided him to the couch. 

“She hates me” Lestat confided before throwing himself on the cushions.

“She doesn’t hate you,” Daniel said with as much patience as he could muster, “she’s just very protective of his brother”

“No, she does hate him” Armand stated with his usual solemnity. Daniel fought not to find it endearing.

“Armand, remember our talk about white lies” He waited till his boyfriend nodded his affirmation, “That was one. Lestat is in a vulnerable state and he doesn’t need to be distressed any further” Not to mention they didn’t need another one of his meltdowns.

“Oh” Armand observed, “I don’t think he’s heard anyway”

It was true, Lestat was already out like a light, snoring softly as he held one of the tiny green velvet pillows to his chest. 

“He looks so peaceful like this, I can see what you saw in him”

Armand scoffed derisively, 

“I was young, stupid and had terribly tacky taste back then” 

“Oh, yeah, I can see how your taste in men improved” Daniel snorted, pointing at his Rick and Morty’s black and green pajamas. Armand hooked a finger on the waistline of his cotton pants, tugging him closer.

“My taste has improved greatly” He declared before crashing their mouths together in a kiss that would have their friend howling and whistling at them if he was conscious. 

A sudden bolt of brilliance had Daniel breaking the kiss to suggest,

“Let’s use Lestat’s face to unlock his phone, I wanna change Louis’ ringtone” 

“... Very well, beloved, what do you have in mind?” Armand’s curiosity beated his annoyance at having their moment cut short. 

“Taylor Swift” was all he needed to say. Armand threw his head back in one of his rare, musical, almost boyish bursts of laugh Daniel loved so much. 

Whatever Lestat’s revenge to their little prank would be, Daniel decided right then and there, it would be worth it.