#[insert joke about Joint custody here]

[karmaphone]

I just want everyone to know my wife and I named our new bong The Clab

[musemelodies]

I guess it’s a good time as any to talk about Walter’s past relationships ‘cause to quote...whoever coined this phrase, (I wanna say John Mulaney), there’s a lot to unpack here. Despite being older than Zeke, Walter hasn’t been around nearly as much as him, but he’s been around and has quite a few stories to tell (some of them even true) sooo...I don’t know how to close out this introduction so I’m gonna let this guy do it for me:

John Mulaney, folks! Let’s give him a big hand!

A n y w a y...

Picture it: Las Vegas, 1932. A much younger (and less jaded) Walter had a grand total of one animated appearance so far, a crowd scene in one of those Bosko and Honey pictures and he was keen to put his name out there. After hopping a bus from Burbank to Vegas, Walt was trying his hand at stand-up when he found himself sharing the stage with--oh, I’m sorry, I've just been informed by Walter's legal representative that I’m not at liberty to tell that story. Or call him Walt. Insert tired as heck Disney joke here, but yeah...let’s fast-forward a bit, shall we? 

Much of the thirties was a hectic experience for Walter, having gone from a random extra to the main antagonist of the Slappy the Slaphappy Squirrel series. I’ve just been informed that that’s one and only time I can speak that name so there it is. (Don’t worry, one of these days, I’ll write a deeper thing about their relationship ‘cause that’s a novel on its own.) He didn’t really have time for romance, let alone a serious relationship or at least that’s what he told the press to get them to go away. Sometimes he was a wingman for Zeke and Marie, other times he was sandwiched between them, and Zeke asked him to be the best man when they tied the knot. Unfortunately for him, Marie chose a certain squirrel to be the maid of honor. They may or may not have danced together. His memory’s a bit fuzzy on that one.

Whenever Walter was questioned about his relationship with Slap--his costar and if there was anything going on between them, his answer was to throw a bomb at them. If he was in a good mood, he might’ve made a snarky comment about it, but most of the time, he reached for the bomb. Even if he did have those feelings--and he didn’t, don’t look at him like that--it would’ve seriously hurt their careers. After a producer caught him sneaking out of his costar’s dressing room (he was just there to drop off a bomb, honestly), he was yanked into his office and immediately reprimanded. 

He was given a long speech about professionalism and protecting the brand or something to that extent. He spent more time shielding his face from the man’s spit-filled rant than listening to him. At any rate, Walter denied having anything to do with his costar, other than what the script called for and what the audience expected from him. If they wanted slapstick, he’d give them slapstick, but as her fame quickly eclipsed his and he spent more time in traction than in the spotlight, he began to grow bitter. Not as much as in his later years, but still... 

With the arrival of the war, Walter joined the air force with Zeke and had even less interest in finding The One, though he did take up the sax. They both played for the company and later, after the war was over, the Toontown Philharmonic. After Zeke complained that the latter was too square, they took to the Ink and Paint Club and played backup for various stars, including the one and only Red Hot Riding Hood. 

To say Walter had hearts in his eyes was putting it lightly. He and Red struck up a strange, but genuine friendship with a lot of mallets and banter involved and slowly, but surely, it lead to something more. He loved her sense of humor and how she didn’t take any shtick from anyone and the way she just lit up the room. As cheesy as it sounds, those were some of the best days of his life. 

For a while, Walter even considered popping the question, but as the Tex Avery era was coming to a close and Red was longing to see the world, she gently broke it off with him in ‘55. Walter wanted to go with her, but she insisted he stay in Burbank. He still had a future in cartoons and maybe she would make a comeback someday, but in the meantime, she had to see what life was like beyond the showbiz scene. After giving him a smooch, she bid him goodbye, dropping him a postcard a month later. It took Walter some time to come to terms with it and even now, he still wonders what might have been. They still kept in touch over the years, though and he’s happy to call her a friend. <3

The sixties brought on a period of uncertainty. Theatrical shorts were no longer a big draw and Walter had taken to doing stage work and bit parts in B-movies and the occasional commercial, just to keep himself busy and pay the bills. It seemed like everyone he knew was either hitched or getting hitched and he felt like he was missing out. 

Enter Wilhelmina Wolf, a studio teacher whom he met through Sid. She was a nice enough gal, a math whiz, and knew her way around a good joke. After six months of going steady, they got hitched and the following year, Wilhelmina gave birth to three beautiful pups. The early days of their marriage weren’t bad and he loved being a father, but after a time, he and Wilhelmina had almost nothing to say to each other, save when they were arguing. After a while, they called it quits and received joint custody of their daughters. From then on, they stayed with their father every other month and he doted on them to make up for the drama.

From the end of the sixties and throughout the seventies, Walter didn’t play the field too much. He continued to do stage work and starred in a rather cheesy and short-lived superhero series with his oldest costar. He was still adamant that there was nothing between them, despite feeling a weird and distinct pain every time he saw her with that white-haired schmuck from Jonny Quest. Maybe it was indigestion. Yeah, it was most likely that.

By the time the eighties rolled around, Walter was starting to age (and so was his routine) and though he wouldn’t admit it, he was lonely. His daughters were growing up and his career was in limbo and he was yearning for something (or somebody) to make him feel young again.

At Zeke’s urging, he went out with a fox named Vanessa Volpe, an aspiring actress and model who was twenty-six. She was gorgeous and she was quick to sink her claws into him or rather, his wallet. She had him on a string for about a year, all it took was a cute expression and a purred request, and Walter would give her the moon. Half his pals were green with envy and the other half were green with disgust, but not as much as his kids. His youngest daughter refused to speak to him and wouldn’t participate in the wedding. His costar showed up and cracked plenty of hard-hitting jokes about the happy couple. Three months later, Walter came home to find Vanessa messing around with their next-door neighbor (who also happened to be an up and coming director) and, well, that was the end of that. 

Walter’s love life was pretty uneventful throughout the nineties and well into the new millennium. Considering he was significantly older and bitter and deeply wrapped in his denial, the idea of getting into a relationship didn’t appeal too much to him. However, out of sheer spite towards his costar and having nothing better to do that night, he went on approximately one date with Candie Chipmunk and it was excruciating. Halfway through it, he ran screaming out the door. 

So that’s where Walter’s at as of today. As for the future, who knows??

[oldladydatin]

Oh you meant football, football!

Over a year ago now I received a message from a man that lead to a very epic purchase and one surprising night! This message started out much like any message I receive, it was flattering you’re beautiful, you’re intelligent, you’re sexy, I want to meet up with you. So began my relationship with Daddy Mc Hottie Pants, yes I really call him that and he knows. We chatted sort of alot for about a week. He told me he was quite large and he had trouble finding partners because of it, I ask how large and he sends me a picture. I just looked at it like pfft whatever, you couldn’t tell, there was no point of reference. I said yea it’s so big, he tells me it’s over 11 inches. I responded I don’t think I can handle that, that’s so big, he says I’ll take it slowly baby girl. But he stops talking to me for long periods of time, then randomly will start texting me again. During this time I’m in a very you matter, now you don’t relationship, with my ex Eric, so I’m really mistrusting of the sporadic attention, it’s too similar to me and I felt like I couldn’t take being hurt by someone else.

One night when Eric and I are barely speaking, I was horny and Daddy Mc hottie pants texts and I say hey you should come over I’m home alone. He replies “really?” He tells me he has friends over but he’ll try to get rid of them. We’ve been talking off and on for 6 months at this point and I hadn’t ever really made an attempt to meet him for coffee, dinner, sex or anything else because of the relationship with my ex Eric and because of him being sketchy. He was checking up on me more at this point because he knew I was hurting and I was going out alone drinking every Friday, he didn’t really like it and had become a bit protective of me. So I waited over an hour for him and nothing. I was invited to the bar to watch a techno band by someone I had hung out with before, so I got dressed up and decided to go out. I drove downtown to the club and there were a bunch of younger kids coming in and out of the club dressed like rainbow brite and I just decided this wasn’t my scene. I was horny and decided instead to drive to this huge adult store we have here and I found this massive dildo. This wasn’t necessarily a spontaneous purchase though, ever since this guy told me how large he was I was curious if I could even have sex with someone that large and I knew this store carried large dildos. Unlike my friends I was unable to have children naturally so no baby had ever passed through my vagina. Eric has been a bit obsessed with fisting and that hadn’t ever happened with me, although one of the other girls he had been with had posted a video of him trying to fist her, and it hadn’t happened with her either so I didn’t feel bad. So I just wondered could sex with Daddy Mc hottie pants even happen? Plus I was hurt and pissed off and my best friend said nothing bothers men more than the thought of a giant black dick, this was the next best thing, it didn’t bother him but? So I purchased this large black dildo, the “superstud”, it was 11 inches long, 8.5 inches from fake balls to tip and the lady at the store measured the girth at 8.5 inches, I also purchased lube because good lord. I take my giant black dick home and I am on a mission. I with lots of lube and playing with my vibrator and some wine I am able to do this and it hurt, oh dear god did it hurt. I had to take breaks. But it was also a really strange sensation, I hadn’t been with anyone that big around and it actually felt good, better than the length. After I’m done with this strange task I charged my self with accomplishing, Daddy Mc hottie pants texts, it’s 3 am, to say he got rid of his friends. By this time I definitely did not want more dick, I wanted a cigarette and stiff drink and I was a bit sore. So I decline, I say dude it’s 3 am? He says I know I’m sorry. This does not help me to be less suspicious of him.

Daddy Mc hottie pants and I continued. We didn’t talk, we did talk, we didn’t talk, we did talk, for a whole 5 more months. One day he messages me online and says I would still like to meet you. I kinda gave him shit about how I’m not the problem? Honestly at this point I liked him as a person, he’s a good guy, works with handicap people, coaches kids, is witty, and I genuinely would like to get to know him. Randomly I get a text from him that he’s feeling down, he’s going through some custody stuff and a break up and could use a hug, I said well I’d love to hug you. He asks what I’m doing and I replied I’m hanging with my kids and he asks to come over. I said well my kids are home, I never introduce my kids to men, but he says he’s fine with that and I think he’s really feeling down. So I said okay well come hang out with us. I tell my kids I’m having a friend over, I think they’d like him and he’s just feeling down so he didn’t want to be alone. He comes over and he was great with my kids, I made us dinner and I gave him his hug.  He started showing up all these crazy wounds. Like he broke his arm and they put pins in it but it didn’t heal right and the only option was to re-break it and he opted against this. I ask how on earth did this happen to you and he casually says oh playing football. I said well my baby isn’t playing football then, but I think that’s odd? He’s telling us stories about epic pranks he’s done and my daughter was all into this and we watched movies until the kids passed out. Then we went downstairs to my room and watched a movie and cuddled up.

Things happen, he’s an incredibly sex black man and we’ve been teasing each other forever! So he pulls out his dick and it’s larger than what he said, it’s huge, and without control I blurted out “holy shit”  and he just laughs, he downplayed the size of his dick which almost never happens. He has to be over 12”? Immediately I got nervous and panic because there’s no way that’s going in me! There’s just no way! The dildos insertable length is 8.5” and I can barely do that? But he puts his hands over my mouth presumably incase I scream and was slow and gentle and by some miracle this works out. It was definitely a cross between pleasurable and painful and I don’t know if anyone could possibly get used to this experience but as long as he was slow it felt good, I don’t know if he puts it all in or not. After sex we lay there cuddling and he stays the night. I haven’t shared my bed much at all in the past year and a half, even before my marriage ended, I slept alone. Every time he moved his joints cracked. He snored. He wanted to cuddle and hold me and I’m not a big cuddler when I’m trying to sleep. So essentially I stayed awake and stared at this incredibly sexy man in my bed all night long. We did have sex again and that time it hurt a bit more, he tried a different position that I think wasn’t good. In the morning before the kids got up and came downstairs he got up and got dressed. He was looking through his facebook reading me jokes, I asked what his facebook name was and he told me and I added him. I questioned him if he had joint issues and he said yea from playing football. He made some weird comment about picking up his last 3 paychecks and I joked what are you independently wealthy, he said I do okay. Then he gives me a hug and kiss and says he’s gotta go but wants to see me again, I agree we should. He leaves and I lay in bed and really look at his facebook. So he played for several NFL teams, he played defense on the Minnesota Vikings, and he currently worked with the NFL, I thought oh shit he meant football, football! Not like highschool football and this made so much more sense. But it made me giggle cause as Izzo said “my new man’s on the Minnesota vikings, truth hurts, needed something more exciting.”

But for real that was just too much dick!