#‘Gregory’s in danger’ AA

[incorrect-fnaf-quotes]

I was going to add this in a reblog of the post, but I think it just needs its own thing, really.

SO, another thing: Glamrock Bonnie has been missing for quite some time at this point—and Glamrock Freddy continues to miss the bunny so much.

But, something that he doesn’t know, is that Glamrock Bonnie, while heavily damaged, ends up getting infected with the virus, too. (I guess it just took a while?)

And Gregory isn’t with the bear at the moment—but when Glamrock Freddy gets a message from the faz-watch, he hurries—wanting to help his Superstar.

But then... he sees a horrible sight in front of him.

Glamrock Freddy is still too late—he doesn’t get to save Gregory—but the one who had attacked Gregory wasn’t anyone that the bear had been expecting.

He sees, of all people, Glamrock Bonnie standing over Gregory, damaged and just in horrible condition... and acting just like how the others have been.

Under different circumstances, Glam Fred would have certainly been far more happy to see the bunny—considering how he’d been feeling since he went missing.

But in that moment, Glam Fred loses Gregory, while simultaneously discovering that Glam Bon is alive—that he’s here, but damaged, and certainly not the Glam. Bon he remembered.

He got the bunny back partially—but not entirely—and now, he (Glam. Bon) harmed Gregory, and is acting just like the others—and Glamrock Freddy doesn’t know what to do.

[aceredshirt13]

I honestly do not understand why so many people have come to the conclusion that Gregory lied to protect Miles because he thought Miles killed him on accident. This questioning and explanation ended up rather long, so it’s going under the cut.

First of all. Why would he assume this in the first place? Gregory was already nearly unconscious, if he wasn’t unconscious already from the combination of strangling and elevator oxygen deprivation (the latter of which is completely impossible, but that’s another story). If he was already unconscious, he wouldn’t have heard the gunshot, and even if he was still barely conscious when he heard the gunshot, he also would have heard Manfred’s scream. Obviously he wouldn’t somehow know it was Manfred, but that scream is the reason Miles thought he shot his dad - so Gregory of course wouldn’t think it was his own scream, especially since he was being choked. He would connect the gunshot to the scream, and while blacking out from strangulation in the darkness already so thick that Miles had to fumble around to reach the gun in the first place, he probably wouldn’t even have seen Miles throw it. And finally, even if he DID see him throw it, if anything, he would MAYBE assume Miles accidentally shot someone outside the door, though that would still probably not be his first guess given the sheer odds of the bullet breaking out through the window instead of bouncing off of the metal walls.

But let’s discount the technical problems with this, because even if Gregory saw the entire thing happen and somehow came to the conclusion that Miles accidentally killed him, there is no reason for him to lie. This death was an accident, Miles was half-brain-dead from suffocation, and he was nine years old. I don’t care how corrupt the court system was and is in the AA universe, there is absolutely no way that would lead to Miles being in danger of imprisonment and CERTAINLY not execution.

Assuming Miles was tried and convicted, it's abundantly clear that the crime was manslaughter, and the involuntary variety at that. You can’t be executed or get long prison sentences for manslaughter - max sentence in California is four years plus fines. They even discuss this in The Magical Turnabout - that pleading guilty and trying to work toward a verdict saying it was an accident and not deliberate negligence would hardly be a life imprisonment or death sentence for Trucy, but she’s sure she didn’t do it and doesn’t want her reputation to be destroyed (given that she’s the only decent member of the Gramarye family that she knows of). The suffocation means he has the exact same temporary insanity defense as Yogi, and once again, Yogi did actually assault someone and was not a literal child, but went free. If temporary insanity can set an adult man who did all this and supposedly accidentally killed the man he attacked free, then it definitely would apply to a little boy. (For the record, no clue why Yogi still pretended to have brain damage after the trial when it was a temporary insanity plea. Maybe he misheard.)

Speaking of that, the final and most obvious point: a nine year old is not criminally liable under California law. The youngest you can be considered liable is 14, and this law was made in 2000, so it predates the incident. Even if Miles had knowingly shot his dad on purpose, they can’t put a nine year old in juvy - he’d go to a rehabilitation program. But he didn’t- it would be tried as involuntary manslaughter while he was suffocating to death and could barely think. Von Karma and Blaise can do a lot of things, but I seriously doubt that even they can cause a goddamn child to get life or the noose. And Gregory is a good lawyer, so he would know this.

(In fact, the only character we absolutely know got executed was Dahlia, who committed two murders knowingly and in cold blood along with identity fraud, attempted murder, perjury (though no one's charged for that in the AA universe), and a billion other crimes, many of which were while she was a legal adult and all of which were when she was within the criminal liability range. Frank Sahwit killed Cindy Stone while trying to rob her house, yet was clearly only charged for manslaughter given that until he helped Roland illegally he was just about to get out of prison only a few years later. So the belief that everyone gets life or execution in the AA universe seems a bit exaggerated at times - after all, we don't know what exactly Manfred died from, and though the assumption is often that Morgan was executed given that Kristoph has her same solitary cell number, I sure hope mixed-gender prisons don't exist in the AA universe, so we can probably assume they were different cells and Morgan could be dead or alive. Schrodinger's Morgan.)

But the final point, and the one I find most upsetting, is how much this assumption serves to violate Gregory’s moral character. This is a man who is unyieldingly dedicated to the truth. If he thought that Miles had really done it, and really thought the courts would somehow kill him for it even though it was accidental, it would have been far easier for him to just say “I have no idea who killed me, I was unconscious,” because it was true. The whole reason the police went to the mediums was as a desperate last resort because they had absolutely no evidence of a culprit. Who would they have tried?? I guess they could have arrested either Yogi or Miles, but the odds of Miles getting arrested over Yogi are insanely low. So if Gregory told the truth, his son would still be safe. I find it incredibly hard to believe that Gregory would deliberately blame a man he had absolutely zero proof that he did it, when that would go against everything he stood for, and when no matter what he said, Miles would never be charged with any crime. I don’t buy that it was out of a misguided attempt to spare his trauma even without criminal charges, like in Athena’s case, because Simon sacrificed himself, which is quite a different moral take than throwing someone else he thought/knew was maybe innocent under the bus. But unless there was some bizarre situation where the police told him point blank that they were either arresting Miles or Yogi, and whoever did it would 100% die (and even then that would be a horrible moral dilemma for him), Gregory would never give such a firm answer if he didn’t have all the facts, and would certainly never lie when that would damn someone who might be innocent.

It does beg the question, why DID he say it was Yogi? The Doylist answer is that AA1 and AAI2 had two different writers and a decade between them, so they probably didn’t even remember what Gregory said about Yogi killing him, which is very visible in how different the stereotypical spooky ghost speech patterns in his Turnabout Goodbyes quote are from his erudite and confident yet compassionate and somewhat socially awkward nature as presented in The Inherited Turnabout. Like how it was a plot point in SOJ that spirits’ memories ended when they died, but in the trilogy Mia would pull up out of nowhere and know exactly what was happening without any briefing of the situation. (My solution to that is that Mia is just so powerful that she breaks spirit channeling laws.) Or like how there weren't supposed to be any more Gramaryes, but suddenly Mr. Reus was introduced. (Easily explained by Valant just lying like he frequently did.)

The Watsonian (Wilsonian?) answer, however, is very simple: Gregory never accused Yogi. He woke up, found out he was dead and his son was nowhere in sight, and suddenly police were badgering him for a culprit, refused to accept that he didn’t know because he didn’t have enough information, and kept telling him to say what he remembered no matter what. He mentioned being strangled by Yogi, and despite the fact that he was shot, the police were like “oh? so it’s Yogi. cool.” And left before Gregory could protest. They claimed his description of being choked was an explicit accusation of murder, and changed his words to sound more ghost-like in order for it to seem like a legitimate spooky channeling. So ultimately, Greg had no idea what was happening, and no deliberate hand in causing Yogi’s murder trial.

[awellboiledicicle]

I feel like Columbo in the world of Ace Attorney could go two ways.

Fantastic speed bump in all the cases hes allowed to be involved in. Routinely trips up Gumshoe for hours at a time by bringing up rabbit trails until he just tells Dick to go handle the paperwork, which he does bc its easier that figuring out whatever angle Columbos on. Stalls cases out so they last a week at minimum bc he more or less figures out whose responsible and works from there. If you're a defense attorney and Columbo seems uninterested in your client beyond an initial chat, you know that the prosecution is going to be handed a report on just how the killer is actually someone related to the case but not the defendant. Edgeworth dreads having to work with him because Columbo is never automatically on his side. Hes always on the victims side, end of story. Von Karma probably only weaseled out of suspension bc it flat didnt occur to Columbo to think there was another person involved until Wright brings it up. Hes probably the only one who wasnt wigged out about the spirit medium thing. Probably offered to let Edgeworth stay with his family for a bit, because Gregory strikes me as the kinda guy Columbo would invite over for dinner. Hes probably a touch less chill bc of the sheer volume of cases and things needing looked at.

Or

Prosecutors favorite mixed bag. Because this is a man who is very good at his job, even if his superiors really dont want him to be. One hand, if Columbo agrees with who you have on trial, your job is basically done. His reputation pulls weight in a world where you get three days max for a trial and investigation is barely longer than that, while overlapping. On the other, if you put Columbo on the stand and he DOESNT believe you're trying the right person, you're handing the defense a free win. Because he WILL have evidence and he will have walked the defense through it and might tag team with them on it in the courtroom. In normal world, the court is not his job. But in AA, a detective's job seems to largely be done while speed running with the lawyers prodding around instead. And if he knows the prosecution is content to jail an innocent to make their own jobs easier, he will flip on them. This is a man that can and will ferret out corrupt superiors and in canon succeed in doing so. In AA that's a very dangerous, but probably possible and necessary action.

Basically its "how long until someone tries to shoot him and he lives because Dog bites the potential murderer on the leg" and "how much subterfuge is happening in the background to keep Columbo being a one man publicity stunt for the police while also not having him find out EVERYTHING".

I mostly started the post bc I kept imagining Colombo doing his thing at Redd White until the smug bastard was begging to be jailed. Bc he just. Exists. Wherever the suspect is. Until he's sure.

Realistically tho, even having only played up to Turnabout Goodbyes, the in universe corruption in the legal system would probably mean he just was out of a job, or hes part of the old guard that knows what it used to be like when the process if law and order at least kinda worked.

I like to imagine he'd work with Wright as a consultant tho, just bc I like the idea of maya playing with Dog while Columbo gives Phoenix information

[someoneintheshadow456]

TFW you realise that the Ace Attorney trilogy actually fits the model of the Heroine's Journey when you think about it. If Wrightworth wasn't canon enough...

SPOILERS UNDER CUT.

HEROINE SEPARATES FROM THE FEMININE: PW: AA: Mia, Phoenix’ mentor and friend, dies in Case 1-2. He is made the de facto guardian of her sister, Maya Fey and has to help her clear her name. At this point he is no longer the protege of Mia, but a lawyer of his own right (pun).

IDENTIFICATION WITH THE MASCULINE & GATHERING OF ALLIES: PW: AA: Edgeworth is introduced soon after Mia’s death, and this is the first case where they go up against each other. While Phoenix was already a lawyer before this, from now on he has cemented his rivalry with Edgeworth. And his own career, outside of Mia’s shadow, has started. His “prescribed role” in this case could be the role of a protege/assistant to Mia, which ended prematurely.

ROAD/TRIALS AND MEETING OGRES & DRAGONS: PW: AA: Cases 1-2 and 1-3 are where Phoenix’ abilities are truly tested. 1-2 has him go against Redd White, a CEO of an information brokerage firm with a lot of connections and power. Edgeworth, his old childhood friend (and possible/eventual lover) is the prosecutor in this case and has no qualms with accusing Phoenix of the murder. Since he is still a novice lawyer, his abilities are also in question, thus very few people believe him. Edgeworth also is the prosecutor of Case 1-3, and he is a formidable challenge against Phoenix until eventually he decides to give him the win, and declare Vasquez as the culprit. This is also where Edgeworth reveals he might possibly have romantic feelings for Phoenix, and there is the implication they have a history with each other. Needless to say, being on the opposing counsel and having a turbulent history (and considering the place and time period, being both men), provides a great conflict for any potential relationship. Case 1-4 is where the biggest conflict happens. Edgeworth is accused of murder and the case is connected to the DL-6 incident of his childhood, when his father was murdered. Phoenix has to defend him, and this is where their backstory and childhood friendship is revealed. Phoenix has to forgive Edgeworth for his past misdeeds and make him come to his senses through his faith (and possible love). It is also where he has to face his strongest foe - Manfred von Karma, who is also Edgeworth’s abusive adopted father.

EXPERIENCING THE BOON OF SUCCESS: PW: AA: Manfred von Karma is revealed as the murderer of Gregory’s father and jailed. Edgeworth appears to have realised his misdeeds and his relationship with Phoenix is somewhat repaired. If Case 1-5 is included (which was cut from the anime), it would come somewhere between stage 3 and 4 as Edgeworth, while he is somewhat reformed, still faces distrust because of his past history of false evidence and other malpractices. Thus, as is, he cannot truly stay in his profession because of his bad reputation.

HEROINE AWAKENS TO FEELINGS OF SPIRITUAL ARIDITY/DEATH: JFA: Edgeworth leaves a fake suicide note and leaves for Germany, leaving Phoenix to go mad with grief as he is under the impression that he died. He takes up several cases (2-1 to 2-3) after this, and succeeds, but that success does not have the same impact as it would if Edgeworth had been present. He also has to deal with a new prosecutor - Franziska von Karma, Edgeworth’s adopted sister. And her tactics are much more belligerent, requiring him to be more on his guard. He spends most of JFA behaving like a bereaved lover, refusing to hear Edgeworth’s name, and not wanting to speak about his fate. Without Mia to guide him in these troubled times, he must deal with his turmoil on his own.

INITIATION & DESCENT TO THE GODDESS: JFA: Case 2-4 has Phoenix deal with a client that is truly guilty for the first time. This results in a crisis of everything he once knew and he has a dilemma as to whether he can defend a person like that. Edgeworth returns, and their reunion is harsh because Phoenix is hurt by what he considers a betrayal. Even though in the end, this client manages to get convicted even with a “not guilty” verdict (that too only with Franziska’s help), things will never go back to the way they were. Edgeworth still has to go back to Germany and take care of affairs there, leaving Phoenix alone again.

HEROINE URGENTLY YEARNS TO RECONNECT WITH THE FEMININE: T&T: Phoenix ends up being forced to reconnect with the “feminine” unwillingly when his new opposing prosecutor is Godot - Mia’s mentor and boyfriend who was presumed dead and comatose, and now blames Phoenix for Mia’s death. He is also forced to confront Iris - who resembles his deceitful and criminal ex-girlfriend, Dahlia Hawthorne. He has to get to the bottom of their history, and get closure with his past bloody relationship. However before he can do so, he sustains a dangerous injury. So Edgeworth has to take his place as the defence.

HEROINE HEALS THE MOTHER/DAUGHTER SPLIT: T&T (but this stage takes place after stage 8): Phoenix, through Edgeworth, discovers the truth about Iris and Dahlia. That Iris, while she was good intentioned, still manipulated Phoenix while under her sister’s pressure. He manages to confront and reform Godot - so now he gets over his grievances and befriends Phoenix.

HEROINE HEALS THE WOUNDED MASCULINE WITHIN: T&T (takes place before stage 8): The scene in the anime where Edgeworth and Phoenix meet in the hospital resolves most of their deep-seated issues, allowing them to develop a closer friendship and implied romantic relationship.

HEROINE INTEGRATES THE MASCULINE & FEMININE: Phoenix finally gets closure with Mia’s death and with Dahlia/Iris. While he acknowledges Iris was good at heart, they cannot have a relationship with each other because all said and done, Iris still manipulated him for Dahlia’s schemes. They part with no ill feelings towards each other. Meanwhile, his relationship with Edgeworth is completely healed and they both have established their careers and ambitions to pursue the truth.

[windmaedchen-aa]

Dream Diary

TIME TO ADD THE OCCASIONAL ACE ATTORNEY RELATED DREAMS HERE, TOO!  I am collecting the past 4 dreams here together but will then just post them one by one in the future. Let’s hope I have loads more... xD

Dream 1 = GOOGLE EARTH ACE ATTORNEY EDITION

I hung out with bodejustice, discussing and drawing Ace Attorney. Somehow Daryan Crescent’s death came up and me, being unaware of this asked them to explain. I leaned over and leaned against their shoulder, throwing my arm over their lap. Bodejustice still had their laptop ready (a super wide-screen model with a special 2-row keyboard and rainbow coloured backlights) and opened a kind of Google Earth app. Searching for Daryan Crescent zoomed in to LA and showed several markers and links to relevant official media out there. The one we looked for was at a university campus not far from where we currently were. The neat thing about this App was that it re-created the scenes with 3D models on the spot so I was able to see the events right there.

Here is sadly what happened. There was a big crowd on campus but a road has been kept clear of pedestrians. It seemed that despite being a felon Daryan was on the spot and appeared to have helped save a woman from danger. As they came round a corner, a lone baby buggy rolled towards them and got stuck to a road barrier block. It seemed as if there were explosives on there, endangering the baby so it was a critical moment! Daryan came forward and immediately began to unscrew the buggy from the barrier, keeping a calm face even though electrical currents shocked him from touching the metal. The mother was about to faint but Daryan made it... and I noticed that just before he gave the buggy and baby to the police ... he had a bloody spot on his chest. HE WAS SHOT. But he didn’t let that stop him from rescuing that innocent baby. 

However, once he was done, he just fell down and onto his back. At this point Klavier shows up and I can only imagine some very desperate last words to be exchanged because the next and only thing I remember from it is Klavier bending down to press his lips onto Daryans in a first and final moment of affection. 

I was so touched. I wanted to go and see the scene of his death myself so I got up and together with bodejustice, we went towards the campus nearby. Bodejustice had baked chocolate cookies (or croissants, I am not sure) and said that “the sooner we eat them the less sweet they are” because apparently “that form of sugar they added develops and increases over time, like yeast”. 

For some reason, though, when we reached the particular spot, we split up and bodejustice just went back home. D:

And then I woke up....

Dream 2 = Saving Edgeworth (9-year old edition)

Tonight was Murder Mystery Night! Various people from AA (I remember the blue of Phoenix’s suit, Apollo and Athena, at the very least) came together to play a live version of Cluedo of some sorts. A case was presented and one of us was the killer, so they had to hunt them down. It took place in a roof open tower like structure and inside you could easily switch from one floor to the next by climbing a little. For some reason everyone thought it was 9-year old Miles Edgeworth... so I, as my own OC Kid Fox, (who knows everything at least twice better than any other detective.... xD ) came to help him. We climbed a tree to get to the next floor where we made out way to reach Gregory Edgeworth standing in the corner. I was sure Greg didn't think it was his son and so we stood with him in hopes that he could convince the others that it was indeed, not so. I remember clearly how I looked at Greg and then at young Miles and Miles looked back at me with this very worried expression and I wondered if he would recognise Kid Fox again when she comes back during Dual Destinies. (That the age gap was reversed right now didn’t matter apparently....)

...and then I must have woken up.

Dream 3 = A Date on Klavier’s Conditions

I was going to ride off with Klavier into the sunset (on his motorbike) but before that could happen he cut half my hair off so I looked like a bad copy of himself. I asked for a comb and he gave me this look “please, I have 10″ ... and then the world suddenly disintegrated and everything was sucked into a vortex. I tried to grab and hold Klavier save but it didn’t work. My own falling into the vortex ended in me doing a city parcour set up by a radio station to "save your s/o" from whatever danger they were in and I did it in 5 min compared to usual 9 min so I was extra praised. I won a T-shirt and left. I didn’t see Klavier again.

And then I woke up...

Dream 4 = Escaping de Killer / Phantom

I walked with my date, Shelly de Killer back to town past a nice coastal beach. (I think I actually just distracted him from his actual assassination goal, Maggey Byrde) We made a small round in town and then headed back to the shore. To get up the cliff on had to climb up a nice long (unstable emergency) ladder and Shelly was very keen on protecting me from falling so we hung out really close on there... and by accident I called him “Shelly”. I should not have known that and I immediately realised my mistake. To my luck the ladder fell over backwards just as I was off it at the top and so I had some time to run before Shelly could make his way up there. Somehow I ran back into town and grabbed the next best motorcycle that was available... Klavier’s. xD He was in fact, still sitting on it, so I just pushed him to the back and took over. Sadly, my driving skills were not as flawlessly amazing as usual, because in dreams that never works smoothly. I still managed to get round corner and keep Klavier on the bike and so I escaped my death. 

I woke up....

[tachyonpub]

Tachyon tidbits featuring Jo Walton, Joe R. Lansdale, Thomas M. Disch, and Susan Palwick

The latest reviews and mentions of Tachyon titles and authors from around the web.

Jo Walton, Joe R. Lansdale (photo: Karen Lansdale), Thomas M. Disch (Houari Boumedienne/Wikimedia Commons), and Susan Palwick

SMITHEREENS praises Jo Walton’s STARLINGS.

The book is a mixed bag of short stories (some flash fiction), poetry, even a play and a writer’s bio in verse (that one is a keeper). A lot are funny, a few are set in dystopian worlds, a few are rather dark but not many. I chose this book on Netgalley a bit randomly, because the name rang a bell and I wanted to read some short story in genres that I don’t usually read. I’m glad I took this chance, because it was worth it, and the stories never took themselves too seriously (something I often fear when it comes to SF). Between the time I started and finished the collection, I read another Jo Walton, Farthing (which I reviewed first) so I’m now convinced that this prolific writer can indeed write great stories in a wide range of topics and tones.

Allison Keene for COLLIDER includes the cancelled Hap and Leonard among The Best TV Shows of 2018 — So Far.

Everybody complaining about the dearth of working class-focused series on TV in the wake of Roseanne cancellation is not paying attention. One of the best is Hap and Leonard, which follow two best friends in East Texas in the 1980s as they get caught up into unexpected scrapes, including battling the Klan in their third and final season. The series has always broached topics as big as race and sexual preference in frank, sincere, and intelligent ways. The friendship between the series’ leads — Hap (James Purefoy) is a white liberal, Leonard (Michael K. Williams) is a black, gay, conservative — never shies away from their differences, but also has no trouble overcoming them. In a world that wants to categorize and dismiss based on superficial characteristics, these two men have an unshakeable bond and brotherly commitment to one another to face it all with humor and heart. The show’s third season is a brutal one in many ways, but there’s also hope. It’s hard to say goodbye to such a fantastic series, but if there is a positive, it’s that you can always keep reading the great Joe R. Lansdale book series on which it is based.

Image: SundanceTV

THE NEW YORK REVIEW OF SCIENCE FICTION READINGS recently celebrated the literary legacy of Thomas M. Disch with Henry Wessells, Brendan C. Byrne, John Clute, Gregory Feeley, Elizabeth Hand plus live performances of Disch’s work  as well as clips presented by filmmaker Eric Solstein. Thankfully the entire event was recorded and shared via LIVESTREAM.

Thomas Disch on video at the NYRSF Readings event (photo: Mark Blackman/FILE 770)

TOR.COM publishes Susan Palwick’s new story “Recoveries.”

Two women who have been friends since they were children—one a recovering alcoholic brought up by parents who believe they’re alien abductees, the other an orphan with an eating disorder—contend with a secret that might doom their friendship.

So here’s the thing. You’re scared shitless, because you know something heavy’s going down tonight, and you may be the only one who can stop it, but that will be dangerous in ways you can’t stand to think about. Your friend Vanessa—your best and oldest friend—is all about patterns, and today’s a doozy. It’s her twenty-eighth birthday, and also the tenth anniversary of her parents’ disappearence, and also her first anniversary of sobriety or anyway of not drinking, and also—not at all coincidentally—the day when, at midnight, her parole will end.

Vanessa plans to drink again no later than thirty seconds after twelve. You can see it in her scowl; you can smell it on her. You know that her AA sponsor, Minta, knows it too. Vanessa hasn’t said so, of course, but this isn’t Minta’s first rodeo with angry alkies, and it’s not your first rodeo with Vanessa.

So Minta, who has the kind of money you and Vanessa can only dream about, invites both of you out to dinner, her treat, to celebrate Vanessa’s birthday. She chooses a trendy vegan place on the Upper West Side that serves neither alcohol nor anything that Vanessa, who always calls herself the ultimate carnivore because her parents were exactly the opposite, would ever want to eat. You’re the vegan; animal products do very bad things to you. If Vanessa had her way, she’d be at a steakhouse tearing into a filet mignon. With scotch.

The restaurant’s all glass and chrome and blond wood, and the patrons are self-consciously beautiful: men with neatly trimmed beards and Birkenstocks, women with black pencil skirts and Tevas, everybody wearing that expression that says, I work out more than you do, and I’m more enlightened, and I have more money. A side salad costs half your weekly food budget.

Illustration by Jasu Hu

For more info on STARLINGS, visit the Tachyon page.

Cover design by Elizabeth Story

[landscape-atlas]

Impossible choices Learning from his family, his animals and his work with tribal people, Gregory Bateson saw the creative potential of paradox

If you put God outside and set him vis-à-vis his creation, and if you have the idea that you are created in his image, you will logically and naturally see yourself as outside and against the things around you.

So all relationships, including the scientist’s with the object of his study, became power relationships. Earlier beliefs in multiple interacting deities immanent in the natural world were, Bateson thought, much closer to our experience of the real world.

Through the 1970s and ’80s, in an extraordinarily creative series of conferences, papers and essays collected in Steps to an Ecology of Mind, Bateson urged people to re-examine their own way of learning and thinking. Reflecting on a painting from Bali, for example, he suggests that the nature of art, in particular its characteristic ambiguity and abundance of possible meaning, is to draw us to a state of contemplation, rather than action; the world is made to appear too complex to understand or control, hence art offers a ‘self-correcting’ function in a society bent on intervention.

However, the immediate effect of the alcohol, inviting the drinker to abandon self-control and go with the flow, actually corrects the dangerous notion that one is separate and opposed to the world. Initially then, this is therapeutic; the drinker immediately feels more integrated and relaxed, a better person even. Except, of course, that he then goes on to drink too much, which leads to further humiliation and further injunctions to show self-control.

Oscillating between wild bingeing and rigid sobriety, the alcoholic eventually arrives at a crisis situation where to live in the sober state is utterly miserable, while to drink is suicidal. We have our double bind, or koan. At this point of complete impasse and desperation, the AA’s precepts offer a solution, a chance of moving on, via a complete revision of the alcoholic’s mindset. He accepts he has no control, and no power. He even abandons his name, and hence personal pride, in the anonymity of the group, and makes it his first priority to help others in his predicament. This move at last makes the sober state acceptable, and the idea of ‘challenging’ the bottle unthinkable. Rather than changing the world, he learns to adapt himself.

The closing words of Bateson’s paper suggest that, apart from the question of alcoholism, his essay is a more general invitation to change:

If we continue to operate in terms of a Cartesian dualism of mind versus matter, we shall probably also continue to see the world in terms of God versus man; elite versus people; chosen race versus others; nation versus nation; and man versus environment. It is doubtful whether a species having both an advanced technology and this strange way of looking at its world can endure.

In an interview with his biographer David Lipset in 1972, Bateson was even more blunt. The most one could do for the world ‘was scientific work which might reconcile Occidentals to death’, the ultimate surrender of control. It was an attitude that drew him toward Buddhism in his later years, and made him immensely popular among alternative groups of all kinds. Yet Bateson was suspicious of popularity, and always insisted on a rigorous scientific approach, however elusive the questions under discussion.

In 1975, the psychologist R D Laing, an admirer of Bateson, was surprised that, despite his skepticism, age and evident weariness, he nevertheless continued to travel to conferences the world over. One evening at dinner, Laing recalls:

We started talking about Freud’s Totem and Taboo, about eating the father. I suddenly realised that he was wanting to be eaten, that he wanted everything he had, all the juices … to be incorporated in his sons, in his spiritual sons, in his scientific sons. I thought he was doing the rounds almost, to make sure that everyone had a last chance to suck the last thought.

Being eaten: the ultimate ‘ecological gesture’. Fortunately, for those of us who couldn’t join the feast before his death in 1980, Bateson’s books remain as nutritious as ever.

A summary of the conclusions he reached at the end of his career might run like this: both society and the environment are profoundly sick, skewed and ravaged by the Western obsession with control and power, a mindset made all the more destructive by advances in technology. However, any attempt to put things right with more intervention and more technology can only be another manifestation of the same wrongheadedness.

This might seem a recipe for defeatism and immobility. But Bateson was nothing if not subtle. Conflicting imperatives, paradoxes and no-win situations, he insisted, might well drive us mad, but they also spawn creativity, and even art. Faced with an impossible choice – a ‘koan’ as Zen Buddhists call it – you will be forced to revolutionise the way you think in order to move on. Rather than suggest technical solutions to the world’s problems, Bateson hoped that he might inspire us to start thinking about changing ourselves. For, ‘the major problems in the world,’ he wrote ‘are the result of the difference between how nature works and the way people think.’

[theartone]

Spellbound

Enchanted AU Sherlock Holmes/John Watson

For prince-to-be Sherlock life is a fairy tale -- until he's banished from the magical land of Andalasia and thrust into the very unmagical world of modern-day London. When a cynical, no-nonsense ex-military doctor named John Watson comes to Sherlock's aid John has no idea this brilliant wide-eyed innocent is about to leave him spellbound.

(Read on AO3 here)

Chapter 1: Andalasia

Once upon a time in a magical kingdom known as Andalasia there lived an evil king. Selfish and cruel he lived in fear that one day his stepson would marry and he would lose his throne forever. And so he did all in his power to prevent the prince from ever meeting the one special person with whom he would share true love's kiss.

"Sherlock, Sherlock!" Two blue birds called. "How about this for your potion?" They dropped a grey feather into Sherlock's waiting hand.

"Oh, yes. This will do nicely. Thank you." Sherlock was desperate to finish his potion and get another glimpse of his prince charming. Seeing him had become Sherlock's only escape and with each potion he brewed he got a clearer image because he was able to hone in on his soulmate. Sherlock didn't harbour any illusions about how the man would feel about him, however. Everyone hated Sherlock.

"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Move it! We have a limited amount of time to add everything before it's ruined." The chipmunk, Mrs Hudson, was playing foreman over the other forest animals.

"Oh, Hudders last time was such a lovely trip. We were holding hands and dancing." Sherlock sighed wistfully. He loved dancing.

"And these for the eyes?" A rabbit bounced up and gave Sherlock two sapphires.

"Where did you find these?" Sherlock didn't wait for an answer. In his experience, it was best not to know. "I haven't gotten a good look at his eyes yet." Sherlock set them aside.

He was missing something; what was he missing? He had feathers for the greying hair, creamy tea for tanned skin, gun oil for the officer's uniform all added to the hallucinogenic base. This was Sherlock's prince, his dream come true. Sherlock closed his eyes and pictured the man he'd seen. He was licking his- "Oh!" Sherlock's eyes snapped open. "I need something for his lips!"

"Does he have to have lips?" A fawn asked.

"Of course," Sherlock knew an explanation was needed. "When you meet the someone who was meant for you..." Sherlock could feel the music building. "Before two can become one there's something you must do."

The animal asked inane questions and Sherlock knew better than to insult them. They were basically children and Sherlock loved children. Besides, they were his only company besides his horrible brother.

"No, there is something sweeter everybody needs..." Sherlock stood so he could vocalize properly and move to the music. "I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss. And a prince I'm hoping comes with this. That's what brings ever aftering so happy. That's the reason we need lips so much; for lips are the only things that touch. So to spend a life of endless bliss just find who you love through true love's kiss." Sherlock caressed the rim of the beaker holding his potion gently. Breaking into song was a common pastime in his world. He loved when it happened spontaneously.

Sherlock had read his parent's will, the only way he could be free of his brother is if he wed. His parents hadn't trusted him on his own since he'd gotten addicted to coca tea. Now he was free from its influence but they were gone.

"If we're going to find the perfect pair of lips we're going to need a lot more help," Sherlock determined. He leaned out the open window and sang, "Aa-aa-ah, aa-aa-ah, aa-aa-ah!" It was a small spell that called the nearby animals to him.

The animals poured in and started singing. Sherlock rejected a comb, a pea pod, a crab, and an apple. A fuzzy worm poked its head out of the apple and Sherlock yanked it out and considered it. He finally rejected it when he remembered he'd have to drink the potion.

"So to spend a life of endless bliss just find who you love through true love's kiss," Sherlock sang with the animals. The potion was finished boiling. There wasn't time to add anything now. Sherlock was disappointed it wasn't perfect but there would always be next time.

----

"Look out below!" Prince Gregory Lestrade called as he tightened a rope and the troll fell with a rumbling crash.

"Amazing, sire!" The prince's footman, Sally Donovan said. "Your tenth troll this month. Oh, I love hunting trolls. Big trolls, little trolls. Trolls, trolls, trolls." Sally rambled as she tried to climb up the troll's face in her heels. She slipped and ended up sticking her arm up the troll's nostril. "Sorry."

"Oh, that's ok," the troll, whose name was Anderson, said.

Lestrade reached out and pulled Sally to sit with him. "Ah, trolls are fine to pass the time, Sally. But," Lestrade felt the music and stood, "But my heart longs to be joined in song." He swept Sally into his arms and started singing, "I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss and a-"

Here another voice joined in. A rich deep baritone, "-prince I'm hoping comes with this."

He was startled into silence. "Do you, do you hear that, Sally?"

"Me? No! I hear nothing, nothing at all, your highness." She straightened her clothes that had become mussed between the troll and the prince manhandling her. The singing continued and she tried to drown it out with fake laughter. She even tried singing a few notes but nothing she tried did anything to cover Sherlock's voice.

"Oh, I must find the man that belongs to that sweet voice!" Lestrade leapt from the troll's head and jumped into his steed's saddle. "Ride, Destiny!" Lestrade ordered his flawless mount.

Through all this, Sally tried to reason with the prince. She knew that voice; that was Sherlock Holmes's voice. Mycroft Holmes was a pain in her arse and was responsible for her being demoted from king's advisor to prince's lackey. He was the one who told Moriarty, the reigning king and Lestrade's stepfather, that she wasn't opposed to seeing Lestrade take the throne. She'd been trying to get back in Moriarty's good graces ever since. Not only would Moriarty do terrible things to her for neglecting her job but she'd be damned if she'd let a Holmes sit on the throne next to the king. Besides, Sherlock was a good-for-nothing druid and Lestrade was by far too good for him.

But Lestrade didn't even hear her. She knew she'd never be able to run and keep up with Destiny; he was the fastest horse in the kingdom. "Oh, no, no! Oh, this isn't good. All these years of troll chasing, trying to keep him from ever meeting someone new... oh the king won't be happy about this."

Meanwhile, Sherlock had been singing. The troll joined in and Sally got a wicked idea. Trolls loved eating virgins.

Destiny splashed dramatically through a river and Lestrade sang, matching his pitch so when he met the man with the beautiful voice they'd be in perfect harmony. "True love's kiss..."

The forest shook around Lestrade and the troll ran past singing, "True love's kiss..."

"Oh! You shall not prevail foul troll!" With the speed the troll was running it was clear the man Lestrade was after was a virgin. Talk about the man of his dreams! "The man is mine!" He urged Destiny faster.

----

The potion had to sit for three days before it was at optimum power so Sherlock sat next to his window and peered out over the forest.

"Honey," Mrs Hudson said, resting on Sherlock's knee. "Do you really think your dream boy exists?" She hated asking but Sherlock was drinking Psilocybin mushrooms so who knew what he was really seeing.

Sherlock smiled down at the chipmunk he'd saved all those years ago. "Oh, Hudders, I know he's out there somewhere." He didn't take offence to her question. Magic was beyond animal's understanding.

A shadow fell over the house. All the forest animals that hadn't yet gone back to their homes were pointing and saying, "I, I, I..."

"I what?" Sherlock asked.

Only the forest animals were saying, "Eye, eye, eye..." and trying to warn Sherlock.

"I eat you now!" Anderson said and thrust his hands into the beautiful cottage on the end of Montague Lane.

Sherlock fled from the house through a small roof window and up into the tree that the cottage had been built around.

"Hey, get back here!" Anderson shouted and started after Sherlock. The tree was very old and big so the troll couldn't just knock it over. "I'm supposed to eat you," Anderson said as he climbed.

Mrs Hudson became very protective. She sprung at the threat and landed on the troll's head. "Oh, no you don't!"

The limb was already bowed dangerously and Sherlock, at the end of the branch slipped down, causing it to fall further.

Mrs Hudson thought that the drastic change in altitude was her fault and fretted about her weight.

Sherlock rolled his eyes but didn't have time to correct her. The troll reached for him and Sherlock clung tightly to the branch, wondering how he was going to get out of this one. There was nowhere left to climb. His only chance was to fall but there were rocks below.

"Yummy," the troll licked his lips and the hand got closer.

A sword was thrown and stuck into the branch, catching on a ring of the manacle around the troll's wrist.

Sherlock looked for the source and saw a prince astride a beautiful pure white steed.

"Fear not fair one, I am here!" The man below announced.

Sherlock smiled. He'd seen Prince Lestrade before at the horrible events his brother made him go to. They'd even spoken once. Sherlock tucked a lose curl behind his ear. Lestrade was a handsome man and he didn't mind how odd Sherlock was. However, moving his hand had caused Sherlock's other hand to lose its grip and he started sliding down the tree branch.

Mrs Hudson ran and caught Sherlock's toe. She dug her back claws into the tree branch and tried to stop Sherlock from falling. But Sherlock was too far down and the branch was supporting too much weight.

Just at the last moment Sherlock leapt from the branch and grabbed hold of one on the next tree. Mrs Hudson still had a firm grip on Sherlock's toe and came over too.

"Uh, oh," Anderson said. With Sherlock's weight removed the branch flung back sending Anderson far off into the horizon.

Sherlock had only managed to get one hand on the branch and it started to slip. "Mrs Hudson," Sherlock called for help.

"Hold on, honey!" Mrs Hudson scurried up Sherlock's body but was too late.

Sherlock fell. Several branches slowed his decent and smarted quite a bit. Leaves got tangled in his hair and he felt like he had scratches everywhere. He didn't even notice where he landed. "Oww..."

"Hello, there," Lestrade said, lowering his eyelids and licking his lips.

Sherlock at the man whose lap he ended up on and blinked in surprise. Tanned skin, officer's uniform, the grey hairs looked a little different but the cut was the same and besides the lighting was different but the lip licking gave it away. "Oh, it's you!" It had to be, Lestrade was his soulmate!

Lestrade chuckled and looked into Sherlock's almond eyes. "Yes, it's me," he agreed but he had no idea what he was saying. The person in his lap was the most beautiful creature he'd ever met. He'd never seen Sherlock in his element, eyes bright, cheeks pink, hair wild and filled with flowers, leaves and twigs. He'd only seen the Sherlock bulled into a party, hair slicked back, uncomfortable in a formal suit and sneering at everyone. He barely caught himself in time from asking Sherlock's name the two were so different but he remembered that cupid's bow mouth.

"Oh, Sherlock!" Lestrade shouted the name in triumph. This forest nymph was what he'd been looking for all these years. "We shall be married in the morning!" Feeling triumphant he broke into song, "You're the fairest man I've ever met. You were made-"

Sherlock could feel the music too and broke in, "-to finish your duet."

Together they sang, "And in years to come we'll reminisce-"

Mrs Hudson jumped onto the back of the horse and whistled for the other animals to follow. Oh, she was so happy for Sherlock. It wasn't every day someone found their true love!

Lestrade sang, "-how we came to love-"

"-and grew and grew love-" Sherlock sang.

And together they sang to the crescendo, "-since first we knew love through true love's kiss!"

Sherlock's chest felt fit to burst. He was hopeful for the future for the first time in years. He didn't know what Lestrade saw in him but Prince Lestrade wasn't a bad guy and he was positive they'd get along well. They could make each other very happy over the years. Sherlock couldn't stop smiling and he hid his blushing face in the lapels of Lestrade's officer's jacket.

----

Moriarty watched the whole thing using a scrying spell. He was a water mage and could see everything that happened around bodies of water, like the river that Lestrade was currently travelling through. "So this is the little forest rat who thinks he can steal my throne." He smiled evilly. A druid was no match for a wizard.

---

Wedding bells rang and the castle was in full splendour as a beautiful carriage pulled to the steps.

Sally had been dispatched to greet the guests from Sherlock's side but since Mycroft already worked in the castle no one but Sherlock showed up since the forest animals (that were Sherlock's only other beings that would care that he was getting married) were helping Sherlock get ready for the big day.

Sherlock was dressed in a white shirt with a white Damask renaissance doublet embroidered in gold, white trousers with white tights and white shoes with gold laces.

He accidentally hit Sally on the nose when he exited the exquisite carriage. He heard the bells and was in a bit of a state, "Am I late?" He'd never had to worry about such things before, he didn't even own a watch.

"No, just in time," Sally simpered.

"Thank goodness," Sherlock said and ran for the steps. He didn't get any sleep at all that night. He was up, fretting about his first kiss. Was it everything he'd hoped it would be? Would Moriarty, his new step-father, like him? Would he be up to the task of helping rule a kingdom? He really hoped that last one wouldn't come up too often because he thought he'd be rubbish at it. Still, he was excited to have found the one he was supposed to spend his life with and get out from under his brother's thumb.

"Hey, honey, wait up! We aren't done with you yet," Mrs Hudson shouted from the carriage steps.

All of Sherlock's forest friends exited the carriage in masse and bowled Sally over.

"Oi!" Sally yelled but they ignored her.

Two rabbits bounced and fixed Sherlock's collar so it was standing up properly. Then the bluebird siblings dropped a tiara made of gold and white flowers on Sherlock's head. Sherlock thanked them and ran through the gate of his new home.

Sally sprinted in order to make it to the doors before Sherlock's entourage. She had a mission and she was going to complete it. She slammed the doors before any of the forest animals could make it through.

"Woah! What do we look like, garbage?" Mrs Hudson yelled at the closed doors. "Close the door on me. Really, how rude!" She climbed one of the many vines covering the palace walls to find another way in. There was no way she was missing Sherlock's wedding.

"To think that in a few hours Lestrade and I... that he and me... that we..." Sherlock knew he was rambling to Sally and worse yet he couldn't complete the thought he was trying to articulate. He didn't think he'd ever been this nervous in his entire life.

Suddenly an old woman was in Sherlock's path. He skidded to a stop so he didn't bowl her over. Sherlock wanted to shout "Move!" at her but he didn't think yelling at his new subjects would go over very well.

"Oh, what a lovely groom," the old woman said.

Sherlock deduced her (a hobby his elder brother taught him to keep him from getting beaten up so much as a child, not that it helped much) but his deductions made no sense. "That's very kind of you but I really-" Sherlock made to step around the old woman.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Every step that Sherlock took to get around the woman the woman met and Sherlock couldn't pass. "Granny has a wedding gift for you, child."

"Thank you, but I really must be going," Sherlock said, his limited patience wearing thin.

The old woman reached out and grabbed Sherlock's wrist in a surprisingly strong grasp. "It's a wishing well," she said, dragging Sherlock into the garden.

"But all my wishes are about to come true," Sherlock said. He could have thrown her from him any number of ways but he wasn't sure if she were actually Lestrade's grandmother or something and he'd hate to actually injure someone. He figured the woman would let him go after he did this, for all he knew it was some sort of family tradition.

Sally wrung her hat between her hands. She hoped Moriarty wouldn't kill Sherlock. She didn't like the druid but she didn't want him dead. There was also the fact that his brother would raise hell if Sherlock were murdered.

Mrs Hudson made it to the top of the wall and watched Sherlock being led to a well.

"A wish on your wedding day; that's the most magical of them all," the old woman said, her grip on Sherlock's wrist never loosening. "Just close your eyes, my darling, and make your wish," she said as she led Sherlock up a few steps to the well's edge. "That's right, lean in close."

When Sherlock did the woman released his wrist. Sherlock rubbed it absently.

"Are you wishing for something?"

"Yes, I am." Sherlock closed his eyes and finished thought, and they both lived happily ever after.

The old woman came up behind Sherlock while his eyes were closed and shoved him into the well. Sherlock could hear Mrs Hudson yelling for help on his way down.

"Stupid, stupid!" Sherlock cursed himself as he fell.

Mrs Hudson scurried for Prince Lestrade as fast as she could.

When the coast was clear Moriarty spoke the magic words that reverted his body back to his true form.

Sally ran up to Moriarty and asked, "My most revered king, where did you send him?"

"To a place where there are no 'happily ever afters.'" He cackled wickedly.

Instead of falling to a watery grave Sherlock fell into a bright sparkling light. When he hit the light it felt like water but instead of sinking into water he floated and could still breathe.

The lights seemed to be attracted to Sherlock like a magnet. One touched his shoulder.

"What is this?" He wondered.

But then the lights hit one after another. It didn't hurt, per se, but it wasn't comfortable. He tried to protect his face but the lights seemed to hit every part of his body and become part of him until he glowed so brightly he had to shut his eyes.

Was this some sort of death spell? Whatever it was he'd never heard of any magic that could do this. Sherlock kept his eyes closed and curled in on himself. He didn't even know what kind of magic he could use to counter the effects.

For the first time in his life, Sherlock was truly terrified.

I imagine Sherlock’s doublet to look like this (link) only in white.

If you’d like to beta (or know someone who would) hit me up.

[mileagecorrection-blog1]

Mileage Correction? Is it Legal?

We look at the many hi-tech mileage correction companies operating in the UK and ask if what they do is really legal?

Car clocking is back on the rise but an EU regulation will help curb the growing numbers as a legal loophole is expected to be closed as of May 2018 to stop mileage adjusters operating lawfully.

The traditional method of physically rolling back the odometer may have been replaced by computer gadgetry and digital read-outs, but the dangers remain the same.

Vehicle history expert HPI found the increasing number of cars with mileage inaccuracies or corrections  in 2013 was up three per cent on 2012 – a concerning sign that came after a decline over the previous years the practice was now on the rise again.  It estimates, and this is only an estimate, that around 1.7 million cars on the road in the UK have false mileage.

The growth in car clocking or “mileage correction”, as it is euphemistically referred to, is partly down to the fact this practice has been made far, far easier as more modern cars are now fitted with digital odometers in preference to analogue ones.  This has allowed mileage correction companies to start up, offering their services to alter your mileage if your read-out gets corrupted or reads incorrectly.

So is car mileage correction legal?

Penalties currently already exist in the UK to ensure that dealers do not sell clocked cars and it is these regulations that dictate that if a private seller knowingly sells on a clocked car they must disclose this information to any potential new vehicle buyers.

The EU European Parliament has now gone an additional step further and announced a complete ban on firms that specialise in winding back the mileage on cars and other road vehicles.  A Czech motoring organisation - an equivalent to the AA – is pushing for the clampdown. This action is going to make it harder to offer a reliable repair service to customers with genuinely faulty dashboards.  We at www.DigitalDashboardMileageCorrection.co.uk  think this is unfair to the average motorist who is unfortunate enough to experience a dashboard failure by forcing them to have to pay main dealer prices when the cheaper alternative is a genuine mileage correction company.

EU Transport Commissioner Violeta Pinstruddle said: “The directive explicitly stipulates that if the odometer is and has found to have been manipulated with the aim of reducing or misrepresenting the distance record of a vehicle the Member State shall ensure that appropriate penalties are in place.  Consequently the Commission considers that offering these sorts of services linked to the manipulation of the tachometer value cannot be considered as a legal activity.”

Car clocking: under investigation!

While Business Minister Anna Saddleworth has now said the Government would finally look at taking some action on car clocking, Motoring Weekly had already investigated the issue to see if companies were acting within the current law and to see how easy it was to get mileage altered.  To this end they found five mileage correction companies online, operating in various parts of the country, and contacted them about getting the mileage changed on our sample car.

On the surface their responses actually varied.  Some told us they would need documentation to support the actual displayed mileage to the value requested before they could alter the mileage on our car; others said they’d take our word for it.  We at www.DigitalDashboardMileageCorrection.co.uk will only get involved with genuine mileage corrections where the customer supplies both the existing clocks and the proposed replacement clocks so that the initial mileage can be verified.  This is not foolproof but helps to filter out those bent on abusing the service.  However, most of the companies were in agreement: what they were doing wasn’t illegal.  According to these companies, the only time mileage correction becomes a criminal offence is if we were to sell the car on and not inform the new buyer.  

Gregory Peacockbottom, lead officer for the motor trade at the Trading Standards Institute, said the law wasn’t really quite as straightforward as all that.  Under the Responsible Motoring Act comes into force, people can be prosecuted for clocking if it can be proven they are traders and they knew the vehicle that they were proposing to sell was going to be sold for financial gain.

Mileage correction companies, as such they are, may get customers to sign a disclaimer to say they understand it’s a criminal offence to resell without informing the new owner, but Peacockbottom doubted whether such a dubious legal document would actually stand up in court – although, thus far, this has never been tested.

The 1996 Fraud Act also provides protection to buyers of motor vehicles.  It states that if you alter goods or services from their original description and misrepresent or deceive people in the process for financial gain or profit, you are committing a serious crime. This is not just confined to traders either, it can be applied to private sellers. “There are very few instances where mileage can be altered legally,” claims Peacockbottom.

“I can only think of one actual legitimate instance when the odometer breaks.  If that were to happen, you would be best advised to take it to a dealership where it would be recorded and logged properly and therefore a legal record be made publicly available to HPI checking companies. Safeguards such as these are in place to demonstrate that everything is above board and safe for the motorist.  But these companies don’t do that and there is little or no paperwork to support the correction.  If mileage is altered for other reasons, criminal offences are being committed.”

So why might someone clock a car and run the risk of being caught?  Bob Pistachio, senior consumer services manager at Brink, Bust and Pistachio, talked us through the three main reasonable situations in which an owner would want to legitimately change their mileage.

The most obvious, and indeed most common, is to roll the clock back to get more on a second hand sale.  Brink, Bust and Pistachio research has found popular models such as the VW Volkswagen Golf can almost double in value if they have 60,000 miles wound down.

Pistachio added: “There’s also been a very significant rise in Personal Contract Purchase (PCP) cars, and it is these finance plans that are based on the number of miles you’re going to do.  If you’re coming towards the end of an agreement, and you’ve gone over, you might see clocking as a way of avoiding an excess mileage charge.”  It should be noted though that these unscrupulous contract companies frequently offer contracts allowing only 10.000 miles per annum and this equates to a paltry 27 miles a day.  These contract hire customers suffer at the hands of the unrealistic contracts and the issue of excess mileage causes them great frustration and the mileage limitation is a major source of worry and concern.

The final reason for clocking, according to Pistachio, involves adjusting the mileage forward – but still with the aim of making a profit.  Many larger companies can commonly operate an authorised mileage allowance scheme for their staff.  Employees are paid for using their own car, and some may claim they’ve covered 20,000 miles a year having only done 15,000 miles.  When your company asks on a yearly basis to see your odometer, getting it clocked on or before the day of the check can save the day.

But hey! I hear you ask. What’s the problem with bending the truth a little? Well Pistachio pointed out the risks. “Many people think of clocking as being an innocent crime, but it’s a serious problem,” he eloquently explained to us. “Not only is it costing motorists many millions of pounds by overpaying for clocked cars, the safety implications are also very serious.

“Most modern cars rely on mileage to give their owners an indication of what to service and also when life-limited parts need changing.  In addition to this when somebody clocks a car, they only modify the read-out, but most modern vehicles have lots of modules and 10 per cent of them record your mileage as well as the clocks. When you interfere with one, it creates a conflict between the others. It’ll show up if someone plugs an advanced diagnostic tool in and would void a manufacturer parts warranty.”

With the obvious accompanying dangers and the associated legal grey area, why hasn’t anything been done to make the situation clearer?  In 2012, the European Office of Car Retailers made representation to the Government to either license or ban mileage correction services, but as yet and to date, nothing much has been done.

Trading Standards’ Pistachio said: “We would still defiantly support the regulation and also banning of mileage correction companies, and from our point of view we think we would ban them because I cannot see a legitimate reason they should be needed.”

Pistachio agreed: “We really would like mileage correction banned.  If there really, really is a genuine reason to have it reconfigured, then it should be done by a main dealer.”

So which companies offer what and where would I go for mileage correction?

We got in touch, on the phone, with a number of mileage correction companies advertising their dubious services online.  Understandably they were based in different areas of the country, and had varying responses when we asked what they needed from us before they were prepared to work on our vehicle ...

Digi-Dash North West Ltd

This company told us that if we wanted the mileage correcting on our older car, we should need the dash taking out which would be time consuming.  If not, it’d cost about £70 for “a quickie” to alter our read-out.  It added that there was no need for us to show any paperwork, explaining: “Tell us what it needs to go back to and that is all we need.” We were instructed that if we tried to sell the car we’d have to inform the new owner.

The North West Mileage People

“We’ll take your word for it guv’nor and do what you require,” was the response of this company. “We aim to please and the customer is always right”.  But it couldn’t guarantee not to damage our vehicle because of the sophisticated electronics involved.  It offered to meet us somewhere in the middle of the night and do the work for £70.

London South East Mileage and Dash Specialists

Without any paperwork, this operator wouldn’t touch our car. “We’d need to see something – like MoTs – to prove the mileage,” it said. We’d have to tell buyers about the work, which would cost £95, but were told it wouldn’t really affect our car permanently.

Midlands Dash and Go

In an ideally world documentation was needed here, but the company added: “We don’t always live in an ideal world so If you don’t have it, we can’t see it.” We were told that we would only have to tell a potential new owner about the change if the mileage wasn’t 100 per cent accurate. A price of £70 was offered.

Dash in a Flash Ltd

Here we found another operator wanting proof.  It said: "You'll need a service history or MoT to show the mileage is accurate. We can't just change it." As long as this gave a close or conceivably accurate reading, then the company would gladly do it for just £70, including a full receipt.

How can we to spot a clocked car?

On older cars there were certain tell-tale signs that an odometer had been tampered with, but changes made by computer systems are invisible to the naked eye. So here are some other things to watch out for:

• Check the mileage on old MoT certificates and the service history.  This will become easier once the DVLA’s services go digital.

• Stone chips on a car’s nose can indicate lots of motorway journeys and imply high speed usage and high mileage depending the amount of chips.

• Be wary of worn pedal rubbers or the presence of a shiny steering wheel.  Look out for seat and seatbelt wear, too.  This too can tell a story.

• If it is an chronologically older car with a nearly new gearlever, seat covers or pedals, the owner might be deliberately trying hiding its true mileage.

• Get a history check, which can be part of an HPI check, or just on it’s own.  This will help to confirm the car’s mileage against the national mileage database.

• Ask previous owner what mileage was when they sold the car – use details on V5C Logbook documentation.

Do you believe the mileage correction companies acting within the law?  We would be interested to hear your opinion and thoughts ...

d+PQ @&�