#'i would die for kaz brekker and he would let me' lmao

[esotericdescent]

I have some Headcanons for Kaz to share in reference to his trauma / haphephobia. A couple of them involve vague mentions of ~intimate situations.~

It's never really explicitly mentioned in the books, but I suspect blood is one of his triggers—although fresh blood isn't as much of an issue as I think it has a lot to do with scent rather than the physical sensation of it. It's the sickeningly sweet, rotting coppery scent and if he's stuck with it on him long enough, it can easily lead to a panic attack and/or a fainting spell. It's also very likely the reason why the only time he gets someone's blood all over him is either when it's a last resort or when he just .... loses his cool, which doesn't happen very often ( I mean, he doesn't particularly like killing people anyway, but yk ). In SOC when he rips that guys' eye out, they change POV after Kaz goes bellow deck to clean himself off and stuff and like ..... I think about that a lot. Might write a drabble abt it some time, who knows.

When/if Kaz gradually starts to work through his touch aversion issues in order to be able to physically touch someone casually or intimately, he strikes me as someone who is ... extremely intense once he's comfortable. Because of his aversion, he's also very touch starved, which becomes immediately obvious very quickly in that case.

I think, when it comes to kissing someone, that is likely one of the easier things to work through for him simply because of how stark the contrast is. Like, the heat of someone's mouth, the intimacy of being able to hear and feel someone's breathing, feel how very much alive they are. And for that reason, it becomes pretty immediately apparent how much he enjoys it once he gets there.

One of the ways he keeps himself grounded during these situations is being able to feel someone's pulse, which he can do by either feeling for it by resting his hand on their throat / pressing his thumb against their pulse point there, or doing the same on their wrist(s).

However, something important to note; it will absolutely take a lot of tries, trial and error, for Kaz to be able to work through these things. He is probably going to have several panic attacks along the way and it's gonna be a rough start; it's especially going to be complicated and very, very meaningful for him to allow someone to be anywhere near him when that happens too, so it'll require a ton of thorough plotting. I don't mind skipping ahead, as long as we thoroughly discuss and establish the difficulty in Getting There.

I will also say that, as someone on the asexual spectrum myself, I am 5000% very, very flexible about what intimacy would mean for him. Smut does not have to happen for Kaz to be intimate with someone; literally him letting someone hold his hand is a very huge indication of intimacy for him okay. There's a part of him that deeply, deeply struggles with shame regarding his trauma and limitations because of it, so. Someone eventually knowing What Happened and insisting on giving him the space and patience that he needs and/or being like "you don't actually have to Ever btw" despite his stubborn attitude sigh lmao is 👌👌

Kaz's struggles with touch will never fully be gone, no matter how much he works through it. There will still be days where he can't handle physical contact and there will be days where he's handling things just fine but the slightest thing twists the wrong way and he has a panic attack or can't touch anyone for hours or the rest of the day, ect. It's always going to be there in the back of his mind, being considered with everything he does. And, even with working through it to be able to touch Certain People or Someone In Particular, he still won't be able to deal with it casually, with people he doesn't know well or trust. It's especially Bad if it's not anticipated from someone he doesn't know well or trust.

[kazscrows]

Six of Crows Reread 🪶

Chapter 40: Nina

Poor Nina is practically naked right now-

…Matthias was dragging a limp, unconscious Kaz out of the shallows.

“Saints, is he breathing?” asked Nina.

Matthias flipped him onto his back none too gently and started pressing down on his chest with more force than was strictly necessary.

“I. Should. Let. You. Die,” Matthias muttered in time with his compressions.

Bahahaha—

I really want to see this on screen

Oh I forgot Nina actually gives him mouth to mouth-

Wow poor Kaz though this would really be horrible

He shoved her off of him, sucking in air.

“Get away from me,” he gasped, wiping his gloved hand over his mouth. Kaz’s eyes were unfocused. He seemed to be staring right through her. “Don’t touch me.”

“You’re in shock, demjin,” Matthias said. “You almost drowned. You should have drowned.”

Kaz coughed again, and his entire body shuddered. “Drowned,” he repeated.

Nina nodded slowly. “Ice Court, remember? Impossible heist? Near death? Three million kruge waiting for you in Ketterdam?”

Kaz blinked and his eyes cleared. “Four million.”

“I thought that might bring you around.”

Man was definitely having some flashbacks

Now it makes me think of Jordie forcing him underwater in the show

Just wave money under Kaz’s nose to revive him

And tell him the wrong amount

He can and will correct you

Nina threw up her hands. “You’re welcome, you ungrateful wretch.”

“I’ll thank you when we’re aboard the Ferolind. Move.” He was already dragging himself up the boulders that lined the far side of the gorge. “You can explain why our illustrious Shu scientist looks like one of Wylan’s school pals along the way.”

Nina shook her head, caught between annoyance and admiration. Maybe that was what it took to survive in the Barrel. You could never stop.

“He’s a friend?” asked Kuwei in skeptical Shu.

“On occasion.”

LMAO

The tank is coming and they don’t know what it is yet but this is all Kaz can say

“What do we do, Kaz?”

“Wait,” he said as the sound grew louder.

“How about ‘take cover’?” Nina asked, bouncing nervously from foot to foot. “‘Have heart’? ‘I stashed twenty rifles in this convenient shrubbery’? Give us something.”

“How about a few million kruge?” said Kaz.”

I’m living for Nina and Kaz’s back and forths

Always loved their sibling energy

He’s probably raising an eyebrow so high at her

A tank rumbled over the hill, dust and gravel spewing from its treads. Someone was waving to them from its gun turret – no, two someones. Inej and Wylan were yelling and gesturing wildly from behind the dome.

Nina let out a victorious whoop as Matthias stared in disbelief. When Nina looked at Kaz, she couldn’t quite believe her eyes. “Saints, Kaz, you actually look happy.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he snapped. But there was no mistaking it. Kaz Brekker was grinning like an idiot.

I really want to see this moment too

“We have a tank,” marvelled Nina. “Kaz, you creepy little genius, the plan worked. You got us a tank.”

“They got us a tank.”

I am cackling

Creepy little genius-

But also I love that Kaz doesn’t take credit

He knows he couldn’t have done it without Jesper, Wylan and Inej

And then… BOOM!

They blow up the bridge!

“We have a tank and a moat-“

“Climb on!” crowed Wylan.

Including this just because I like when the Crows crow

A girl in purple silk and a boy with red-gold curls poking out from behind the guns; four soaked people holding tight to the sides for dear life – a Shu boy in prison clothes, two bedraggled drüskelle, and Nina, a half-naked girl in shreds of teal chiffon shouting, “We have a moat!”

The duality of this quote versus the quote from Inej in chapter 28

Kuwei tilted his head back, his face bright with joy. “I can smell the sea,” he said happily.

You know I’ve never really thought much about Kuwei, but this got me

This poor kid fled his country, lost his father, then got imprisoned and forced to experiment with a dangerous drug

It’s quite tragic

Leigh Bardugo’s specialty

“Kaz?” called Jesper from inside the tank. “This would be a really good time to say you saw this coming.”

Kaz looked out over the sea of soldiers. “I didn’t see this coming.” He shook his head. “You told me one day I’d run out of tricks, Helvar. Looks like you were right.” The words were for Matthias, but his eyes were on Inej.

Oh my gosh why doesn’t anyone talk about this moment??

Kaz always looks to Inej

The last thing Kaz wants to see is Inej

He wants her to be his very last moment

His last memory…

Sobbing in Kanej 😭😭😭

“I’ve had my fill of captivity,” she said. “They won’t take me alive.”

“Me neither,” said Wylan.

Jesper snorted from inside the tank. “We really need to get him more suitable friends.”

“Better to go out with fists swinging than let some Fjerdan put me on a pike,” said Kaz.

Matthias nodded. “Then we agree. We end this here.”

Just. My crow babies—

I love them all

Nina’s about to make a huge sacrifice and save the day

She touched Matthias’ cheek briefly. “If it gets bad, find a way to end it, Helvar. I’m trusting you to do the right thing.” She smiled.

“Again.”

I am going to bawl my eyes out when this happens in the show

Oh my gosh—

Because.. if she didn’t do this…

She might’ve been able to save Matthias…

I’m sad so now all of you can be sad about this too 😭

She could see the true colour of Matthias’ eyes..

Everything made sense. Their bodies were a map of cells, a thousand equations, solved by the second, by the millisecond, and she knew only answers.

Jurda Parem is, once again, so incredible and terrifying

First | Previous | Next

[reactionjournal]

Shadow and Bone 5

Love you Kaz

“So you set him on fire” oh my god

I like this fabrikator. I mean I probably shouldn’t this early but I love when people make stuff 😭

WAIT I FORGOT WHY THE CROWS ARE HERE I KNEW THEY WERE AT THE PALACE IT JUST DIDN’T CLICK FOR ME

“No human being should ever be as proud as you are right now.” I love them both I love them both.

“It’s like butter week.” Alina, that’s the most charming thing you’ve ever said I love you now.

AHHHH JESPER IS RIGHT THERE. WOW I PICKED A BAD TIME TO FALL FOR ALINA.

“None, in fact.” NO ALINA TELL HIM ABOUT BUTTER WEEK! ALINA!

YES JESPER. I mean... probably no Jesper, but also yes

“She’s Suli” Zoya do you just enter scenes to be racist, dude?

“Is it my size?” “You have to ask?” Kaz....

Yesss a tailor and a fabrikator, a match made in heaven get it.

HI INEJ YOU LOOK INCREDIBLE IN YOUR UNIFORM

god I was like: come on burst into applause

and instead they crossed themselves, which. is far better honestly 

ALINA: [summons the sun] Me, looking at Inej: she sure did!!!

Awww Jesper I’m glad you had a good time, bud. I know, I know, this is terrible for the mission but look how happy they are!! You deserve it. I hope no one dies.

Love to see someone pick a magical lock :hum:

Oh Mal. 

uhhhh???????? why is this religious advisor here???????????????????????

It’s silly that standing close to each other is an intimidation tactic I can only read it as sexual tension. Me: why do you want to kiss Mal? I mean, he’s cute but that’s weird for yo- ohhh.

“We cannot let him obtain that kind of power.” Yeah I thought it was weird that he dresses like a villain. 

“Listen to me,” she says, as if her next words will include instructions on killing the Batman.

“I don’t want to die with the wrong face on” oh HONEY OH GOODNESS. AH. 

...HEY WAS THAT THE FUCKING CONDUCTOR? DID THAT FUCKIN GUY JUST TRY TO KILL ALINA? No??? that doesn’t make sense???? General Zlakov? you don’t k- OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHEN HE WAS MEETING WITH HIM AT THE SAMUEL SEABURY MOMENT. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

KAZ BREKKER I LOVE YOU SO MUCH GOD FUCKING DAMN YOU KNEW IN AN INSTANT WHAT A FUN TWIST. OCEAN’S 11 HEIST

oOOOOH good EYE whoever that was across the balcony!!!

.....Kirigan you fuckin suck, man. WAIT IS HE GONNA KILL MAL. OH OH OH WOW WOW WOW INTRIGUE TAKE HIM TO THE LADY YES GOOD YOU DID IT 

Wow, great reactions, Mal. You are real good at surviving, my guy. Hey what kind of Grisha is- OH SHE’S A FABRIKATOR???OH MY GOD HE FUCKIN SMACKED HER WITH THAT BAR. Wow. This shit popping off.

Alina, I love you and I understand this is all very exciting and look I’m not here to harsh your vibe, you saw me congratulating Jesper on his nice time having sex, but buddy please stop kissing this man literally anyone else would be better-....no except the Conductor, also do not kiss him. Your tailor! Mal! Those girls you hang out with! Jespe- wait is Jesper gay or bisexual? he’s gay isn’t he. Anyway, leave this man alone please.

THEY KISSED AGAIN. LOOK BUDDY I am HAPPY you’re having fun but not the time. 

Also can you even attack with your light balls? Like, they’re good! It’s important! I haven’t seen you do one offensive magic. Well... that general is offended by your magic, but. OKAY GOOD YES BHAGRA TELL HER. “Did he want you dependent on him and his fabrikator’s tricky little gloves.” Ohhhhhhhhh that’s devious as HELL WOW CLEVER FUCKIN TRICK. 

“He IS the Black Heretic” WHAT???????

SHE’S HIS FUCKING MOM? SHE’S HIS MOM??????? HE LETS HER LIVE????? HE LETS HER LIVE HIS MOM???? SHE’S RIGHT THERE????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

this is why her hut is so dark huh.

....the volcra were people. I didn’t even think about what they were I haven’t had time. 

honey I’m sorry you kissed that bad man I know he’s hot but I’m sorry

omg Kaz is still being chased by this guy lmao 

“You’re like a wounded spider in my house.” That’s Kaz Brekker, my guy. You’re millimeters away from death.

HAHA KAZ FUCKING BREKKER! Ah damn bad bet.

INEJ my beloved I am so sorry. Immaculate throw. Inej you’re so hot. 

Inej honey I’m so sorry. She left her saint 😦

oh wow he’s gonna be so mad. OH SHE GOT TO THE STABLES. ALINA. 

can she do the sun blade yet? I assume that’s what the thread of “the dark blade is only for emergencies” leads to

Oh he knows she’s his mom. Why does he let her live???? Oh, he thinks he’s smarter than her. Yeah that scans. Wait how old is she?

“I’d wager you’d need a skilled tracker to find her now.” HAHA what a fucking gloat.

....Jesper.............JESPER DID YOU JUST LUCK OUT HAHA OH MY GOD. Wow. The two thirstiest characters just lucking out together. Thirst solidarity. Brings a tear to my eye. I’m not here to advocate for getting laid over supporting your chums, but.... 🤷‍♀️it’s what the saints supported, apparently!

COULD NOT be happier for Jesper. TRULY a Jesper blessed episode.