#'last month' I say as if my period literally wasn't 2 1/2 weeks ago

[permanentreverie]

being a woman (derogatory)

[thedreadvampy]

I'm genuinely struggling so fucking much with what's happening in the world and I know that's pathetic cause it's not even directly affecting me but it's true.

like this isn't the first genocide in the world in my lifetime, obviously. but there's very little clear information or context available to me about China or Darfur, and I was so little (1-2 years old) when Rwanda and Bosnia happened that I don't know what it was to witness that.

and I have known about the ethnic cleansing of Palestine since forever. my grandfather was working in Jerusalem during the Nakba and my mum grew up with a rotating cast of Palestinian refugees in her house. it's been a campaign of genocidal intent for decades. but the massacre happening now is undeniable in a way it maybe hasn't been since 1948.

and I don't fucking know how to cope with it. like last month, different genocidal act, different country, in Nagorno-Karabakh. that's fucking horrific and seems to have passed under the radar for a lot of people. but at least in passing under the radar the British media wasn't populated with people praising Azerbaijan for its ~brave actions~ in ethnic cleansing.

this is not to suggest one is worse than the other and part of the horror is the stacking back to back of genocide against the Armenians and genocide against the Palestinians.

but fuck me it's grim to watch what is undeniably a genocidal massacre - Gaza has been without water or power for a week while they're being bombed, Israel gave 1.1 million people a DAY to evacuate half the region and then bombed the refugee caravans, they're bombing hospitals, there's allegations of white phosphorus use, 2,000+ people have been killed so far this week in Gaza including over 600 children - and turn around and see the entire political and media establishment in the UK equivocating and calling it "self-defence" and calling for the arrest of people protesting against this massacre.

like that Even Now as Israeli forces explicitly aim to bomb literally half of Gaza into the ground while 2 million people are trapped in Gaza, people will act like this is proportional self defence and not vengeful genocide.

Even with Hamas' attacks having the highest Israeli death toll since the Yom Kippur War 50 years ago, Israel has already killed almost half as many Palestinians again - 1,300 Israeli deaths leading to 1,900 and counting Palestinians, and that's rising constantly and hard to track as Gaza continues to be bombarded, cut off from communications, and press and UN officials keep. you know. dying.

How the fuck do you justify this as self defence or proportional response or anything other than a massacre? Hamas killed 1,300 people in a day and we can all agree that that is a horrific tragedy. But somehow Israel killing 1.5x as many people and displacing over 420,000 people while shelling them in a densely populated strip of land they cannot leave is acceptable?

at this stage you don't even have to consider the history of the situation (like that in the last 15 years, 5,367 Palestinians have been killed by Israeli forces and sellers in Gaza alone, while in the same time period 307 Israelis were killed by Palestinians in the whole of Israel. Or that the last time Israel and Palestine entered all-out war which Israel framed as retaliatory violence, Israel killed 30 times as many people as were killed by Hamas) to see the imbalance. like you should consider the context. But literally even if this came out of nowhere and if every terrible thing Israel says about Palestinians was true, this would not be proportional.

it's so fucked it's so fucked it's so fucked and I cannot bear how many people feel the need to both-sides this.

[johnnyraine]

Top Shows I Watched in 2023 (not of)

SPOILERS!

7. Loki (Season 2) - 6.5/10

I don't have much to say about Loki other than I loved the final episode, Natalie Holt deserves some kind of award for her music and it makes me cry.

6. One Piece (Live Action) - 6.5/10

As everyone has already said, this should not have worked. I didn't have much faith in it, but I chose to watch it anyway. And I'm glad I did.

Though there were moments of stiff acting and/or line delivery, I still like it overall.

Though I still liked Roger's anime death more than here.

5. My Beautiful Man/Utsukushii kare (Season 2) - 7/10

I don't remember much considering I watched this months ago. But I do recall wanting and waiting for this for a WHILE. I was not disappointed and Utsukushii Kare stands as my favorite BL series. Minato's Laundromat would've been on the list, but it failed me, Utsukushii Kare hasn't. So yeah.

4. Jack O' Frost (2023) - 6/10

I have issues with the whole "an MC has amnesia" plot and considering this has happened 3 times in the same year is crazy to me.

But do recall I Fucking LOVE the music! OOOOHHHH, Shit! I love it. As soon as "Winter Days" started playing during episode 2 or 3, I immediately started looking for the soundtrack.

I also have yet another celebrity crush in Kyoya Honda.

3. Taira no Kiyomori - 8/10

This is unfair given the fact I started this last year and left for a month, making me finish this in January or February. But I still finished in 2023, so it counts!

As per my previous review, I was fucking bored with the first 6 to 9 episodes. After them, however, I loved this show. I love the music, I love the characters, and I like some of the comedy. There are so many great moments that I absolutely love.

Despite knowing how it ended, historically, I was still upset at the characters' deaths.

2. More Than Words (2022) - 6/10

I heard this was a Japanese BL, my favorite type of BL, and I guess. But as others have said, it's mostly about the relationship between Makio and Mieko. Though perhaps not for the second part of the story...

Anyway, I loved this show. It fucked me up, but I did stay up all night till 12 or 1 am to finish it, and I couldn't stop thinking about it for a month. So yeah, despite the score, I am putting it up here.

1. Kamakura dono no 13 nin/13 Lords of the Shogun - 7/10

HERE COMES THE MAIN MAN HIMSELF, KŌKI MITANI!

The main man himself, the man who wrote my favorite Taiga Drama, SANADA MARU! No wonder I was fucking addicted to this show. For first time in A WHILE I watched and finished this entire show in a week.

I was drawn into this show by the fucking neck. I just was.

I remember seeing You Oizumi as Minamoto no Yoritomo and thinking, "Nah." I couldn't get behind him, I simply didn't see it at first. Then he died and literally episodes later, I was missing this man.

All my favorite characters died. ALL! And since I don't know much about the Heian nor Kamakura period, I was taken out. Fucking Kazusa, dead; Minamoto no Yoshinaka, I knew this was so it's my fault, but dead; fucking Wada Yoshimori, I fucking loved him, and I didn't know it! DEAD!

They killed my pathetic twink, Minamoto no Sanetomo. And he was gay! FUCK! I was heavily upset.

And the fact that it ends with Yoshitoko's death via his sister not giving him his medicine and watching him die! Gods dammmmmnnn!

Kōki Mitani you heavenly fucker! Ah!

I also love the music, one of my favorites Taiga drama themes.

Now, that wasn't all I watched, but simply all I felt should be on the list. I refuse to put ten shows up here if I don't care enough for them.

Here's to another year.

[omo-queer]

if this is too far, I apologise and just ignore this ask, but I just find it so impressive that your able to keep edging yourself. It just kinda shows how strong you are when you can go so long without getting off and it's going to be so worth it when all the weeks are up and you finally get that release. I've tried edging myself but I can't do it, like everytime I maybe last once before I just can't restrain myself and just the neediness. Which makes me all the more impressed by how good you are at denying yourself, I might have to try harder next time. :)

- 🦊

it's definitely not too far! thank you for sending this in!

i definitely haven't always been this good at edging myself. as soon as i understood the idea of orgasm denial, it was really appealing to me, maybe literally my favorite kink. but when i was less experienced with it, i would struggle just to edge, go to sleep, and then not immediately get myself off when i woke up.

but a big thing about me is that i will make self-control as much as i need to if i want something bad enough. and funny enough, not getting off is something i want pretty damn bad. so with practice i did my first week, and eventually i made it a whole month. that was a while ago, and then i took a break from doing denial longer than 72h just bc i wasn't feeling it—i had a lot of other stuff going on and i just didn't have the time or mental bandwidth to be like. so horny i start to shake a little twice or three times a day.

but then i got back on board with it a couple months ago when i started this blog, and i figured i would try out letting tumblr notes decide when i get to come, which turned out to be 1) way hotter and 2) even more motivation not to go over. it turns out your body can do some incredible things when you don't have a choice in the matter... i do sort of wish i knew someone in person who i could have this sort of dynamic with, because i think that might be even hotter still.

i don't really have sex dreams and i haven't ruined yet so it's been a really high intensity period of absolutely no release... so i can't exactly say it's easy, but it is surprising to me just how doable it feels to just keep edging.

another consideration is (and idk if anyone else thinks this way. lmk if you do!) when i'm denying myself it's almost like my body is the submissive entity and my mind is dominating it? i rationally know that my brain and my body are one thing, but it's sort of the dominance of my conscious mind over all the pathetic needy stuff my body tries to do to go over the edge. maybe that's weird, but it seems to work for me pretty well. i think this is a big part of why i don't get much subbier when i deny myself—if someone else were denying me, i could be submissive to them about it, but i'm basically just denying myself. and in that scene i'm at least as dominant as i am submissive.

there was a blog on here a long time ago, i think it was significantly pre-purge, where the person running it would deny her followers but she also did long-term self-denial. and she never framed her own denial as submissive, even though everyone she kept denied was very submissive to her about theirs. some part of me wants to be like she was—knowing what it's like to be denied helps better get into the heads of submissives who themselves are denied.

anyway! big thanks for the ask, it was a good one... if you do deny yourself, let me know how it goes! especially let me know if you're ever edging to my posts. maybe i could even help push you a little bit further than you've gone before, if that's something you're interested in.

[hrkrkrwpfrbrbrlablblblblwhitooap]

(i did actually hyperfixate on tom in august of 2021 as well, i just figured that was unimportant as making the point of a dormant hyperfixation becoming active again wasn't gonna change anything). also no offense and god bless amen but there's a big difference between tom taking a break in regards to main channel videos, and tom scott plus. as previously mentioned, plus videos are likely quite anxiety inducing (and time consuming!) regarding whatever it is he's doing and are not his main focus so. yeah. he's gonna take a longer break in regards to that channel. like is this only making sense to me or

i don't mean to come across as argumentative, i truly don't! unfortunately this is just how my personality is sometimes. when i said "don't dunk on tom..." i was mostly speaking in regards to the anon who made the confession (?) in the first place. things you might not know has been going on for almost 10 years. tom quite literally said himself (likely with different words, the video i'm referring to is no longer on his channel) that the series has more or less run it's course and will become an irregular series in april of 2024 (if i remember the dates correctly). so, like i said, it makes complete sense that newer videos are likely not to par with 2017-2019 videos. and like. sure. it all comes down to preference. but when people are still consistently subscribing, and tom hits 1 million views (or more!) on a new main channel upload in one day, the opinion that his content isn't as appealing anymore is likely an unpopular one

i agree that tom should branch out more in regards to where he films. and like you said yourself, it's unfortunately likely language barrier + filming-in-public laws issues. tom schedules when he films his videos waaaay in advance it seems, e-mailing whoever he needs to e-mail like. at the absolute very least a few weeks in advance. for all we know, he could be scheduling to record videos in the three continents he hasn't filmed in right now as a last hurrah for things you might not know! he might not, and we shouldn't necessarily get our hopes up, but he might want the series to more or less retire with videos from places he's never been to before

the criticisms are valid, i just think it's a bit silly to complain over the quality of his content (in regards to the level of professionalism, not location) when he's uploaded every single week for the past almost-decade. like, be grateful he doesn't upload once a month y'know?

1) Tom has said himself multiple times that TS+ has basically become the main channel now in terms of the effort he's putting in, and given that he's decided to wind down the actual main channel, I assume it's only going to become more prominent going forward. Given that, I disagree with the sentiment that it's something he'd disregard so much as to walk away from it for (so far) two and a half months, nearly a quarter of the year, unless something has gone wrong behind the scenes to delay the return well beyond the intended date.

2) I think you are still failing to grasp my point that him saying the main channel format has run its course and he's done all he can do with it is in fundamental contradiction to the fact that it literally has not touched over half the globe yet. Some things you'll start to notice if you follow a lot of Tom's content (over periods much longer than two years) is that he tends to make up some very arbitrary rules for how to Do Content and then hold himself to them for no real reason, and he has a tendency to disavow or even delete anything he made more than about three years ago (with a very small number of exceptions). He's used the ten-year limit as an arbitrary rule for doing content before (Europlop) and this decision, to me, has the vibes of being driven more by these two factors than by an actual objective assessment of the situation. At the end of the day, whatever, it's his choice, but I feel like I have a right to be disappointed that he's making this decision instead of using the momentum he has to start branching out more.

3) It's worth noting that the sub count and views have both been heavily affected by the fact that he won the algorithm lottery with the garlic bread into space video in 2018, partially thanks to a well timed Reddit post. That got over 20M in the first two weeks - far and away his highest view count at the time, and that video is still his second most viewed ever - and there was a clear turning point after that video where his sub count started going up much faster and average video performance went from 100-200K views per video to 500K pretty quickly. (All of these numbers have since been run a lot higher by the 4.5 million subs he's gained in the past five years, but I was there and made note of these analytics as it happened, because they were interesting to me.)

Once you get over that hump to being a popular creator that the algorithm favors, there's sort of a snowball effect: it puts your videos in front of more faces, more people subscribe to you, and those subs give you more views on future videos, which makes the algorithm more likely to put them in front of more faces, etc. Obviously there are some really stupid things you can do that would stop this snowball, like saying "I just want to get dicked down again :/" and leaving forever, but it's a lot easier to keep it going once it's started - i.e. the videos that keep people who already noticed you coming back don't necessarily have to be as good as the one that went viral enough to rope them in to begin with.

All of which is to say: Getting more views and having more subs now than his content got back then doesn't necessarily mean the average person would think it's better content; it just means The Algorithm has decided he's worth putting into more people's feeds (and that YouTube has more users than it did back then - the genZ and genα folks who have gained computer privileges in that time probably watch a lot more YouTube than the old folks who died out of the potential viewer pool, and the pandemic and accompanying push to move all entertainment from linear TV to streaming for many people only exacerbates matters). I think a better metric to get a barometer for how much your audience is enjoying your content is the ratio between view count on a video and sub count on the channel - it's not perfect, but gives you a sense of how likely an existing subscriber is to actually click on the new video and watch it. In late 2018, with ~500K views on most videos in the first few weeks and about 1.5M subs, that was approximately a 1:3 ratio; his recent videos are kinda all over the place but a lot of them are only 1M to 1.5M which (against 5.8M subs) is more like a 1:4 or 1:5 ratio. That would seem to indicate that, while his audience may be larger now, on average they are less dedicated. (To contrast - the lowest of the TS+ videos still hit a view count that is almost 1/2 the subscriber count - ca. 350K views against ca. 800K subs)

I really don't want to get so deep into the rest of this but given he didn't specifically solicit ideas from latam, africa and asia when calling for suggestions for the final year of TYMNK I highly doubt he is planning to branch out any more than usual... and fwiw, making videos every week at the same time is one of those arbitrary rules I was talking about; maybe there is some marginal Algorithm Benefit but there are plenty of channels which upload less frequently or predictably than he does and still do just as well.

[theboardwalkbody]

A. I do not like this new dashboard layout

2. There is definitely something wrong with me.

I went from being absolutely exhausted - cried myself to sleep last night, woke up crying this morning and the crying continued on and off until noon. I made a To-Do list earlier this week; vacuum, make my room tolerable (which means able to walk from one end to the other without feeling like I'm being buried alive by things). I got home around 830pm and got a burst of energy/motivation or maybe something else. But as soon as I walked in the door I took out the garbage which turned into vacuuming which turned into decluttering the desk, which turned into dusting (I have not dusted in about 1 to 1.5 years) which turned into washing the cat food bowl, which turned into washing my monitor. I still have more on my List because while I did some of it I also went and did other things I didn't plan on. (Because of my depression I don't ever deep clean so things get dusty and stuff so IDK how dusting became something I did.)

Also - TMI period stuff below the cut

It (in the TMI) honestly would explain my moods so I'm hoping that's all it is. Really fucked up bad PMS and stuff. Because I literally feel so insane I considered walking into a psych facility. I don't feel like I'm gonna hurt myself or anyone, I just feel like I am literally loosing my mind and need help calming down and thinking clearly - like I need to be rebooted.

However - my BF and I had a light lunch and a healthy dinner and between them we went for a 20-25 minute walk. I haven't gotten actual exercise in a year. Ever since I got sick back in October of last year I have spent all my time laying down. If I'm not at work or working on something that NEEDS the computer then I am literally laying in bed. So maybe the walk, despite being 9-10 hours ago, kinda helped?

IDK someone help lol

I had my period end on August 3rd and I have been spotting for like three days but today the spotting was like more than normal so I think it's actually my period but it wasn't due until my birthday (the 24th) so its like 6-8 days early if you count from the first spotting and assume it was actually not spotting. My DR says the copper "bug zapper" as my BF calls it causes spotting between periods and I've had the thing for 2 years now so I know it happens. And I have gotten a period only 21 days into my cycle before (avg is 26 for me atm) but still.

I'm wondering WHY and if its all tied together. The intense mood swings/intense depression. The spotting/early period. Maybe my hormones got confused this month and I had like a huge spike in something which triggered the liable moods and period. If it doesnt stop tomorrow I'm marking it as a period and not spotting. And it BETTER end normally and NOT last from now until when it's supposed to start and end and therefore last for two fucking weeks.

[millenialfanfictionaddiction]

Go Go Nekoma! Push it, Push it Nekoma! Coaches Chemisty (pt. 1)

Warnings: Angst, breakups, mention of virginity loss, Swearing

⚠️THIS FIC IS 18+ NSFW, MINORS DNI ⚠️

Word count: 6000+ (split into 3 parts)

"I'm really sorry Y/N. I just don't see this going anywhere. We are both leaving for college soon and going to different schools at that" your boyfriend of the past 2 years, Naoi Manabu said as he looked down to the ground kicking the dirt below his feet.

Your eyes watered as you drown out the words he's saying.

"B-but we can make this work. I can come see you on weekends and we can still see each other over holidays and school breaks" you plead trying to save a relationship you know is doomed.

The past weeks had been rough to say the least. Manabu had been growing distant from you. Making excuses and staying later for volleyball practice to avoid walking home with you. To say it hurt would be an understatement. It broke your heart.

"Y/N I'm sorry, I just can't do this" Manabu said as he looked up seeing tears welling in your eyes.

"I love you. Doesn't that mean anything?" You say sternly as tears roll down your cheeks.

"Y/N-" he starts saying as you place your hand in front of his face.

"No. Don't. I gave you everything. I stuck by you through it all! I stayed late to walk with you home from volleyball practice. I came to as many games as I could! I stayed up late helping you study! Fuck I gave you my virginity!" You scream.

The emotions are just too overwhelming.

"Y/N-" Manabu tries to say as you turn.

"No. I'm done. Good luck with your life Naoi" you turn away letting the tears flow as you start to jog away.

Almost on cue the sky opens up and rain pours down on your head. This is just like one of those awful romance novels. The girl gets dumped by the love of her life only for rain to continue to dampen her day. Just fucking fantastic.

This was quite literally the worst day of your life.

*8 years later*

"Y/N darling can you please water the flowers outside. I forgot to have Vee do it this morning" Your boss asks you politely with a smile.

"Of course! Let me just finish this arrangement and I'll get to watering. You can head home if you like Bella. I know your poor husband must be starving waiting for you" you giggle as Bella rolls her eyes.

"Let him die. No good worthless piece of crap. Couldn't even take the garbage out last night like I asked him too" Bella huffed as she walked over to your table.

"Stay single Y/N, trust me getting married is for the birds. Sure you meet some handsome young man and he charms his way into your life but the MINUTE he says 'I do' its all down hill from there" Bella says to you as she sternly shakes her finger.

You can't help but laugh. Bella is in her 70s and has been married to the same man for 50 years. He's really very kind and helpful in the shop when he comes and visits. Sometimes you think Bella expects too much from her husband but she's quick to shut you up.

"If you don't establish dominance Y/N, these men will walk all over you! You are young and beautiful. You don't want any man. And if you do, find one who will worship the ground you walk on. A man who will lay his coat over a pile of manure for you to walk. A man who will put your pleasure before his own" she says as she lectures you for the 10th time this week.

Bella loved you like her own daughter. Her son had moved away years ago and wasn't around much. She often invited you and Vee to have dinner with her and her husband. The dinners were entertaining to say the least. Usually ending with Bella ranting about how naive women now a days are or how shallow men are.

You enjoyed your time with Bella and her husband even if you didn't share the same sentiment as Bella did.

You hadn't been on a date in over a year. Every relationship seemed to go the same way. There was never a connection. You tried hard through college and after to find someone but always managed to come up empty.

After you graduated college, you took a high paying job in Tokyo. While you were more than qualified for the job, it provided you with little pleasure. It wasn't until you stumbled into Bella's flower shop that you found yourself truly happy.

Surrounded by beautiful flowers and arrangements. It was like heaven. You returned to Bellas weekly to get a bouquet. Soon you found yourself becoming friends with Vee and Bella. It wasn't until Bella mentioned needing help that you made the decision to quite your job and start anew. While the jobs pay was much less than you had become accustom too, your lifestyle really didn't change. You sold your suits in exchange for overhauls, shorts and t-shirts. You got accustomed to dirt below your fingers rather than finely manicure nails. Sure it was a big change but you were so much happier.

You're days were long and busy. Often starting early and closing late. You didn't have family close by, and no significant other so you often took extra shifts and offered to help so the other two ladies could enjoy their husband's.

Both ladies knew about your past dating relationships and the "one that got away" as they so ironically referred to it.

You couldn't lie to yourself. You often thought of Naoi Manabu.

What was he doing?

You were sure he had to be married by now. It had been 8 years since you had last seen him.

After you broke up, you avoided the man like the plague. It helped you only had a week before school ended and you graduated. It didn't seem like he was too worked up over your break up. You had spent far too many nights crying over him.

You felt like you had lost the love of your life.

You, in fact, had.

💐🏐💐🏐💐🏐💐🏐💐🏐💐🏐💐🏐💐🏐💐

"KENMAAAA" Coach Nekomata screams "stop running from the ball! We've been over this a million times!"

"I'd like to keep my limbs thanks" Kuzome Kenma whispers as he turns back to see Kuroo Tetsuro snickering.

"Kenma you act like you've never blocked a ball in your entire life" Kuroo teases the setter mercerously.

"Well I wouldn't have to if someone had read into the switch" Kenma glares at Kuroo who's smile drops.

"Alright that's enough" Naoi shouts as the boys return to their practice match.

He sits next to Coach Nekomata as he sighs "do you think they will be ready for nationals? We've only got a month before we leave. They've still got a long way to-"

"Naoi have faith. They will be ready. They are strong" Coach Nekomata smiles as he watches the boys continue to practice.

The game ends as the boys begin to pack up the gym.

Yaku Morisuke sighs as he finishes his stretches.

"Yaku what's got you bothered" Kuroo says as he kneels down to the team libero.

"I'm just thinking about Mai. I really like her but how do I even tell her. Confessing isn't really my strong suit" Yaku says as he rubs the back of his head.

"How about chocolates? Or maybe flowers?" Kuroo says with a smug grin "girls love flowers!"

"Tsk like you'd know Mr. Periodic Table" Kenma says non-chalantly as he walks by.

Yamamoto Taketora and Haiba Lev laugh at the rooster headed team captain as he glares at the 2nd year setter

"Are you even sure she likes short guys Yaku?" Lev laughs as the team shakes their head.

Yaku runs up to Lev kicking him straight in his back.

"Dumbass" Yamamoto shakes his head as he puts the remaining volleyballs away.

"Why don't we go check out that flower shop on the way home? What's it called like Bella's or something. It looks pretty nice" Kuroo says as he gestures to Yaku.

"Kai, you coming?" Kuroo says to his fellow third year and co-captain, Kai Nobuyuki.

"Sure I'll tag along" Kai speaks softly with a smile.

"Alright guys good practice! Remember we have practice this Saturday as well in preparation for nationals" Naoi shouts as the boys groan.

"And Kenma no skipping out. I'll have Kuroo drag you here if he has to" Naoi glares at Kenma who shakes rolls his eyes and huffs.

The boys showered and change, preparing to head to the flower shop as they wave their fellow teammates off.

Naoi boards the train heading home to his small apartment. To say things have gone to plan in his life would be an understatement. While he was doing what he loved, his love life was lacking to say the very least. He had tried numerous relationships, only to have them fail because he could never fully commit. He often found himself in a one-sided relationship where his partner would confess their love but he couldn't.

It became draining for the people he was with so he ultimately stayed single. He knew, in fact, what the problem was. The problem was that he had messed up the only relationship that mattered to him. He'd blown his chances with the only person whom he ever truly loved.

He had blown his chance with you.

When he decided to break up with you, he really thought it was for the best. He knew you had a bright future ahead of you and he couldn't help but feel like he was weighing you down. He thought it would be best to let go before it became impossible. Not that it wasn't hard to do. It broke him.

He found himself unable to date for years. You had been his first everything and you had been it. He eventually forced himself to move on. Having one night stands and short term relationships but never more. Commitment was hard when it wasn't you. He still kept the ring he had wanted to give you for your third anniversary.

Unfortunately he never got the chance to after he inevitably broke you heart. He often found himself staring at it, wondering how life would have been if he had in fact stayed with you.

By now you must be married with babies he thought to himself. It hurt to think about but he knew it would never be. You'd never be his. And he'd never be truly happy.

[h-r-tea]

It's later than I should be up the night before a big day, but I'm anxious and can't sleep.

Tomorrow is supposed to be the day I get my very first testosterone shot.

My trans nonbinary journey began last year with 3.5 months on low-dose androgel. I stopped for the following reasons:

1. Instead of ceasing, my periods got much much worse. For the past year I have been getting 1-2 heavy periods per month and significant PMDD. Beyond this, my emotions are insanely out of control because my body and mind want to reject the hormonal surges. It has been awful.

2. I gained 25lbs on T. Even though I was working out 5-6 days a week. Back then I was not observing my own nutrition well and craved/ate anything at any time. With my microdosed gel, the only changes I observed were a massive appetite and serious libido increase. This wasn't the androgyny I wanted and I mistakenly blamed T for my own lack of self control

3. I was seriously high on cannabis from the moment I woke up to when I slept. Every day. High THC medical dabs. I am an asthmatic so this seriously fucked with my body. And it gave me serious social issues- I was forgetful, I was too anxious to accept phone calls (even from my pharmacy which caused T supply issues) and the goddam munchies man.

4. My wife. She wasn't keen on my transition in the first place and is just now starting to accept my name and pronouns even though I came out as nonbinary years ago. It has been a struggle. She still doesn't want many of the changes I face with T and was the one who encouraged me to stop taking androgel.

I did not stop because I wanted to give up on my transition, I just knew I needed time to work on myself. I wanted to move to a higher dose. I was ready for injections. Given my breathing condition and fear of covid, you could say I've had plenty of time to work on myself past 11 months off T. I have been quarantined for literally years. In preparation for tomorrow I have:

1. Gotten the hang of diet, nutrition, and exercise. I safely and slowly entered into a caloric deficit over the past few months. I am now in the best shape of my life and know how to maintain it. I would like to see more muscle growth and other changes on T, but have learned to stay lean and strong.

2. I quit smoking weed. The day after Christmas (32 days ago) It was hard. I lost a friend and a family member recently and did not relapse. I have not smoked in 2022 and am so proud. I quit drinking alcohol 4 years ago and can now proudly say I am 100% sober. I am learning not to repress my trauma through drug use. I took a THC pee test and passed. I enjoy the clarity I get from sobriety, and I am less and less tempted each day. I wanted to do T right so I can accurately monitor my changes and communicate better about it with others.

3. I have educated my wife and she is starting to understand more who I am and her acceptance, though slow, is progressing. I am proud of her for sticking around.

I am so ready for this. I have wanted it for 4 years now... tonight feels like the night before a Christmas where I'm getting everything I ever wanted.

I cut and dyed my hair, got my clothes ready, thought about this nonstop for the past month since making the appointment. It's all I can think about.

They actually made me wait a long time to get on T at first and my biggest anxiety/concern is that they will not give me an injection tomorrow. I know what I want: 50MG every other week. I am not afraid of needles, I tattoo myself. I just need them to write the script, show me how to use the needle, and I'm good to go. But if they tell me I have to wait for more blood panels or therapists or anything else idk dude it would make me so sad and angry.

Tomorrow. 8am. I hope this goes well.

[migleefulmoments]

Protip: It’s all in the details of the article- READ the entire piece before using it as evidence of your fantasy

The “newbie” ccer is taking well to her new position and seems to have read the cc handbook thoroughly. She’s using confirmation bias like a champ, basing her belief on the all-important “something seems off when I look at pictures of Darren and Mia” hence they must be fake and ignoring important details in articles that sound like they prove cc tropes are real but upon actually reading them, they fall far short or even prove their tropes are made up lies. Today she posted a 3-year old piece from Huffpo Canada about an E show called The Arrangement which told the thinly-veiled story of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes marriage. A few years after the Tom Cruise-Nicole Kidman divorce, Scientology leader David Miscavige decided Tom needed a wife and “auditioned” several Scientology-approved women before landing on Katie. They had a whirlwind romance that played out across the world and married soon afterward. Tom had a Scientology handler-his sister- with him at all times during this process. Tabloids had long speculated on this and Leah Remini’s Scientology documentary series confirmed it. The wedding was basically arranged and fake on some level but that wasn't because of anyone in Hollywood. It was because David Miscavige is a ruthless leader of the “church”. He runs the organization like a mob boss. If you haven't watched Leah’s show I highly recommend it. It’s hard to believe the shit that goes down but after dozens of people tell very similar stories you begin to realize it’s a very scary cult run by an evil man who doesn’t care who he hurts or tortures as long as he maintains power and brings in millions of dollars. People literally have to escape in the middle of the night and many are caught by teams whose job it is to chase down escapees. 

The article is HERE (X).

awesome-fanfictionada Here’s a great informative article about faux-weddings and faux-mances. I so wish they had auditioned like for Cathy Holmes. Or that it only had lasted 12 days.

But anyway, I know I have to trust my guts cause that day T/om C/ruise went to jump on O/prah’s couch I knew that something was fake. As I do now. (Funny how I had completely erased TC’s fake marriage, maybe cause I really dislike him).

Everyone’s whatthefuck-’meter went off when Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah’s couch.  

The article says:

The concept of the Hollywood contract relationship, otherwise known as a “fauxmance” or “promance,” dates back to the studio system of the early 20th century. Actor Rock Hudson’s 1955 marriage to secretary Phyllis Gates was famously arranged by the actor’s agent, Henry Wilson, in an effort to hide Hudson’s sexual orientation from the public. Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn had audiences convinced of their love both on- and off-screen, but a 2012 memoir by Hollywood fixer Scotty Bowers claims their 26-year relationship was a decoy to distract from the same-sex relationships they both reportedly enjoyed.

But it goes on to say: 

Today, while Hollywood has become a friendlier place to openly queer actors, it’s possible there are relationships that are arranged to conceal a star’s true sexual orientation; however, it’s far more plausible that a fauxmance might be concocted to promote a shared project or raise a couple’s collective profile.

It’s more likely a fauxmance is used to promote a project.  The piece goes on to talk about Kaley Cuoco and Henry Cavilli’s “romance” that lasted 12 days when Henry was promoting Man of Steel. Kaley was quoted as saying “I had no one following me until I met Superman. I’ve been in this business for 20 years, and my whole life, I could go anywhere, do anything. There had not been one paparazzi photo of me until like seven months ago. The recognition has been crazy”.  According to HuffPo: 

The problem with Cuoco’s statement is that while it used to be commonplace for the paparazzi to be out in full force following celebrities around town, hunting for that perfect picture, that happens far less often today unless you occupy the A-list.

The rest of the piece analyzes Hiddleswift- Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston’s short romance. 

So what did we learn from reading this “great informative article about faux-weddings and faux-mances”? 

1. Faux-mances are used for PR purposes to distract from negative stories (Taylor -Kim K smackdown) or to amp up the interest factor in actors promoting projects (Cuoco and Cavilli). Mia isn’t famous and doesn’t bring anything to the table PR wise.  She doesn’t ramp up the frenzy in Darren’s media coverage. Furthermore, they have been dating for 10 years rather than a few weeks to months.  

2. Faux weddings -David Miscavige and the Church of Scientology controlled Tom Cruise’s marriage to Katie Holmes- Darren isn’t a Scientologist so this isn’t relevant to anything. 

3. Paparazzi pics aren’t nearly as lucrative as they used to be because social media is much easier to push a narrative. 

4. Using faux romances and marriages to hide an actor’s sexual orientation was used when studios contracted with an actor for a long period of time. The studio system died out by the 60′s and Hollywood is more open-minded nowadays.    The media has never speculated that Darren is gay, there are no scandalized photos of him with men, Darren has definitively said he’s straight for 11 years. There is no reason to think he would be hiding in the closet. No studio owns him for the last 10 years. He said he was straight before he was on Glee, he dated Mia from before he was on Glee. 

The article does give credibility to tinhat tropes- in fact, it does the opposite. Once again, someone got excited that an article covered the same ideas and keywords they love to throw around but nobody read it for content....or they did but like everything, they read it as confirmation bias rather than reading it for what it actually says. 

[livelovelaug-h]

Unplanned consequences

Summary- I can't spoil all of it but it's #9 for miscarriage for my Jack # stories.

Sorry it took me awhile. Probs spelling mistakes. Implied smut some kissing etc. Hahaha enjoy!

Jack x reader

~~

"oh. No no." You had been waiting for a little to see the results.

You had been dating a hunter for about 5 months. things ended about a week ago when you figured he found someone prettier. He'd been hanging around with his girl a lot, so you guess it was just a game to him.

You were pacing back and forth. And now the results were positive. Positive.

positive that your life was going to be turned upside. Positive that the Winchester's would throw you out. You met the Winchester's about 1 year ago on a hunt when you were caught in a trap, good thing they came or you would be Zippo right now.

It was a little weird at first with there mom being back and then her leaving them since you didn't know the whole story at the time. You were there when Jack was born and you've been helping him through. At first you didn't like him much just like Dean but he was so clueless and puppy like that it didnt last long. You guys were pretty close and you had a little bit of feelings for him but you pushed them down since ... You seen him being born not that long ago. He was practically a baby.... But grown.

Jack was very protective of you which you loved and didn't have because your ex the last month before he left wasn't like that. I guess you knew why now. You guys were young though, you knew it wasn't gonna last forever your only 24.

Back to reality you always wanted kids but not when the dad was .... You know. And at this age ? With this life ? Wasn't really a paying job. Guess it's time to leave. After you cry of course. You cried for about 20 mins when you heard a knock on your door. You wiped your face very quickly. "Who is it?"

"it's Jack Sam and Dean said that they found a case and was wondering if you wanted to come."

"um I'm honestly not feeling too well."

"what's wrong maybe I can heal you."

"no it's just a little bug. Thanks anyways."

"no problem. I'll go tell them."

"okay!"

~~~~

You started packing everything in the room they Gave you. You looked around and didn't see anything left behide. Sam and Dean yelled goodbye and 30 mins later you heard Sam and Dean leave. You looked around taking in the image trying not to cry. You closed the door and walked away starting a new life, Sam and Dean wouldn't be able to handle of this and they didnt need a baby in the house to worry about, hearing it cry and keeping them up. Stealing a car you drove as far away as the bunker would take you. You should probs smash your phone so they don't track you. Maybe tell them your on a hunt or something yeah! That could keep you for at least a month.

"Ugh "

After 7 hours of driving you pulled into a hotel to get some shut-eye. You should probably see a doctor. Gotta find an identity to steal since you don't have any insurance. After three days you finally got a text from Dean-

" where are you?"

"I found a case I'll see ya later."

"a case ? Where ? I thought you were sick."

"I got better it's okay."

"y/n? Where's the case? You shouldn't go alone."

"I'm not a hunter is there already."

"then tell me."

"don't worry about it I'll be fine. Your not dad okay? I'll be in touch. Take care :)"

'Somethings not right' Dean thought.

"hey Dean where is y/n?"

"uh, on a case she'll be home soon."

"Oh, alright. Wanna watch a movie?"

~~~~

3 days later

You been updating Dean about the case trying to make up excuses saying you don't see anything and your hitting a dead end. Maybe you'll come home after checking it out one last time.

"are you sure you don't want help?"

"I'm sure, Dean thanks."

"okay, well hurry up so we can do game night!" Hahaha what a dork you laughed.

~~~~~

Day 5

"you some more leads and it's going good should be done by tomorrow.

~~~~

End of Day 6

Finally "got the son of a bitch" and "you'll drive home tomorrow you're tired."

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if you told them. Maybe they might not want you in the bunker but they would still want to help and see you. You were thinking about telling them so you texted Dean saying you had some good news for him alongside the others.

You started getting a pain a little in your stomach and you decided to finally see a doctor. You fell asleep - waking up to a little lain and some blood? Down there wth? You couldn't have gotten your period. You ran to the bathroom and you felt something plop.

That's not good. You knew what it was. Not that you really wanted a baby but you were kinda excited. Negative. You cried more now about two hours and your phone buzzed. Dean asking if you were on the road yet. you didn't answer. About an hour later Dean texted saying "hello?"

You couldn't move from crying and eventually you couldn't cry anymore so you went out to get some liquor. Two bottles of rum and you were definitely drunk. You cried and screamed and broke things and slept, and cried and repeat.

It had been too long since you answered dean so he went to tell Sam to go track your phone, when he walked in with something.

"What's that?"

"how long has y/n been gone?"

"about 10 days why?" Jack says.

"guys" he turns the thing around. "I don't think she's coming back."

We had narrowed eyes and eyebrows.

"she's pregnant."

"oh"

"ahhh ouchh." Jack listened and heard your SCREAAMING and pain.

"Jack what's wrong?"

"it's y/n, UHHHH..... Shes In pain. She's screaming. .... "I have to go." He said and flapped away.

"Y/n calm down calm down. what happened ?"

You gasped because he startled you.

"Jack not now." You screamed while crying.

"you're hurt. Tell me what's wrong?"

"nothing."

He grabbed you and sat you down so you wouldn't keep throwing things. you cried into him for about 5 mins when he asked you again what happened.

"did someone hurt you?"

"no Jack "

"is it because your pregnant?"

That made you want to cry more. "No."

"I'm sorry did I say something to upset you?"

"no......it's okay. How did you know that?"

"Sam found something and said you were."

"oh. Great okay." He wiped your face. "Please tell me"

"fine. I had miscarriage okay."

"what is that?"

"it's where the baby like... Dies and it wont be born."

"oh. Why not?"

"I don't know Jack, I don't know"

"Well it's okay I'll be here for you every step of the way and like Sam says it'll take time."

"yeah.. yeah thank you." He grabbed your face.

"I love you y/n"

"really?"

"Yes. Almost ever since I laid eyes on you. Your beautiful"

"thank you."

Your faces were so close and you could literally see every pore and every vein in his eyes. But his eyes were beautiful. 3-2-1-.

His lips were on you. You were shocked. They were so soft but ... You weren't expecting that.

You kissed back and he pulled away.

"I'm sorry I'm not good at it."

"no your fine. It's okay "

"maybe it's not the right time."

You laughed "don't worry it's the right time." You pulled him back to your lips and sucked on his lips. This was the only thing that matter at the moment. You ran your hair through his hair and laid him on his back so you were on top. You straddled Him and you guys both explored each other mouths. It was getting so heated to where you guys where dry humping. You ran your hair all over his body and he did the same.

"I like this" he says.

you laughed "I like this too." 😉😉

[deafeningsketchgalaxyhound-blog]

To understand my tattoo I must first tell you about a period of time in my life not to long ago. That now feels like 10 years ago. On August 16th of 2017, I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Colorectal Cancer. I then had surgery on November 9th in Charlotte NC at CMC Levine Cancer Center. During the surgery which should have only taken 6 hours, my femoral artery was cut causing a catastrophic bleed. I required 5 units of blood during the 12 plus hour surgery. My surgeon then had me placed in a medical coma for 6 days for my body to rest and begin to heal. I was very weak and even with the machines working for me while I was in the medical coma my body still struggled keeping me alive. Once out of the coma I was in ICU for another week where I needed an additional 4 units of blood. After gaining some strength I was given a private room for the next two weeks. It was rough going. However, I believe that God only gives us what He knows we can handle. I voiced my concern about going home from the hospital and that I live alone with my little Prince Buddy my Pekingese. Next came rehab for 3 weeks where I began regaining my strength I lost from the taxing surgery. It was tough and days I just wanted to lay in my hospital bed and sleep. Doing so wasn't on the list for me to do until after my occupational therapy, physical therapy and art therapy were over for the day. By then I was to pooped to pop. After rehab my doctor sent me to an extended Care hospital, because I was still so medical. I had a wound vac on my stomach and bottom from an infection that required dressing changes Monday, Wednesday and Friday's. It was like ripping duck tape off your most sensitive area's. It hurt like a m****f*** every time. Even with high doses of pain meds I screamed bloody murder. I spent from November 9th to December 28th in 2 hospitals and 1 medical rehab. Once released from the hospital I had to visit the Wound Clinic, you guessed it 3 times a week, plus my other doctors appointments. What a pain in the a**. Literally for me 😂. Eventually through the healing process the pain slowly went away and I no longer required the wound vac. My healing skin only needed light bandages. July 3, 2018 was my last visit to the Wound Clinic and I skipped out happy as a clam. Now I pop in to see the great nursing staff and doctors when I am in the area. My ribbon on my tattoo blue for Colon Cancer. I wanted to honor the fact I had cancer and beat it's a**! Yeah, it took 9 plus months to recover along with 7 months of chemotherapy. I'm here and I love life more now than ever before! We don't know what tomorrow brings, so live for today. Say I love you to those most dear to you. Don't walk away angry with someone. Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery and that's why we call today the present. Life is a beautiful gift. Treat it as such.

If you have a relative close to you that has been diagnosed with Colon Cancer, be checked. My Grandfather died in his early 30's, my father a survivor of Stage 4 at 40 and I Stage 2 and in my lymph nodes at 42. I have always been checked like clockwork to make sure I didn't have cancer. In 2016 I didn't have a single sign of cancer during my test. 2017 I was told to bring in my parents to my Digestive health doctor. To be told you have cancer is one of the hardest things to wrap your head around. Please, get tested. I beg everyone to be checked. If not for yourself,do it for your loved ones. They want you to be healthy and to live a long happy life. 💙💙💙💙

[thisnerdsadventures]

a 2021 update

Ah, so I have forgotten to update in a million years, per usual

~ Random thought section ~

I woke up this morning and read this tweet thread about Alice Wu's director's note for her movie The Half of It. It's streaming on Netflix, and I highly encourage to go watch it, it's probably one of my favorite movies from the past few years. Anyways, she talks about how she produced the film while digesting the heartbreak of a friendship breakup - the whole thread hit me on a different level, but here's a quote that really hit home for me, especially a month from graduation: "The end of the film is each of their beginnings. And for my characters, I can think of no happier ending." We spend a lot of time worrying about the end of things and the uncertainty of things to come. Yet, there was a time where we worried about the exact same things for the very chapter we are now so nervous about leaving.

1. I'm nervous about leaving school and starting the..... rest of my life???

2. I'm nervous that my friends will slowly fade away. I'm nervous that they'll get on with their lives and I'll be slowly still trying to get my bearings, stuck in limbo.

3. I'm nervous that starting adulthood will be difficult because there are no more college orientations, no more awkward freshman dinners, perfect opportunities to meet new friends who are just as nervous as you are.

In writing this out, I felt a sense of deja-vu, like I had written these words before. So I just looked back at some of my posts right before entering college, and lo and behold:

08-18-2016: Today I said goodbye to one of my closer friends, and i realized that without even knowing it, Sunday’s party was the last time I would see some of my closest friends. It’s awful that way, that you don’t even know it’s the last time until it’s passed, and you’re left to pick up the the end of a chapter of a relationship from the scraps of an unexpected and improper farewell.

I feel like I’m in a weird twilight zone between college and high school where my present friends are all beginning to fade away to move on in their lives, and I’m yet to really meet anyone in my class yet, so at the moment,,,,,,there really isn’t anyone.

I wrote this less than a week from moving to Boston, and it's so shocking to me that I also experienced the "unexpected and improper farewell" part in senior year. It's almost the exact same thing that happened in COVID and is continuing to happen. You never know when the last time you might see someone might be, except instead of consolidated over the course of one pre-college summer, it's over the course of more than a year, the time that this pandemic has been going for.

And I hate that I said the "fade away and move on" thing verbatim, literally nearly five years ago. To be honest though, it's true, a lot of them did fade away and move on. But so did I, I wasn't left behind. To some extent, I was the one who did a lot of the moving away. And like many things in life, a couple of us continue to hang around, and maybe our friendships cycled in and out over college, but have come around again after a few years. I guess those are the ones that you know will stick around. The limbo period between chapters is a hard one, and it's nice to know that present-day me isn't the only one who has felt this. It's nice to know that past me met so many incredible people so fast, that I forgot this limbo period happened.

I know this part is getting a little long, but there's just a couple more snippets I want to share:

08-13-2016: I recently read Marina Keegan’s essay The Opposite of Loneliness, and one line resonated with me a lot: We’re so young. It seems silly and almost pretentious for me to think that this party would be so final, and yet it does, even though we have decades upon decades to build and connect or reconnect.

We’re so young, but that doesn’t stop the understanding that we are going to a new chapter in our lives and that it’s going to redefine our relationships. I hope it doesn’t change them too much.

I suppose much of the anxiety of going to college results from having to build my own community from the ground up again.... I tell myself the pieces will fall together and everything will be ok, but it doesn’t stop the increasing anxiety from, well, increasing.

I loved this collection of essays, if you haven't read it, I recommend you do. In moving around for so many years, I haven't been able to keep a lot of books in my possession, but I kept this one because that essay really hit home for me, and continues to, no matter what part of life I'm currently experiencing.

I think moving to college did change my relationships. But change is not a bad thing - your childhood friendships, the few of them that survive, end up strengthening and growing into adult friendships. And in the end, isn't that better than not changing at all? I'm hoping that a few of my college friendships will do that too - we'll go from college friends to family friends, and my kids will call them "Aunt" and "Uncle" and they'll grow up watching their parents talk for hours in the front yard before finally getting in the car and leaving for home.

08-13-2016: But hey, this is part of what I signed up for, I knew I wasn’t going to have much of an initial safety net, but I’m sure I’ll survive. We, as humans, always find a way to adapt right?

I think I survived and adapted. Not in the way I saw things going, but we can never really fully predict things, can we? One day, I'll learn to give myself a safety net for the next chapter, I'm sure. Today's not that day though.

Going back to her director's note, there was one more thing that just struck an emotional chord for me:

Fun fact, Alice Wu actually went to MIT for a bit before transferring to Stanford, and then she became a software engineer at Microsoft! I relate a little too much to her. Maybe one day I too will dump coding for my art form. But for now, in this above example, I relate far too much. I worked on my album, Imperfect, a little too obsessively this past winter while trying to digest the throes of heartbreak from one of my own friendships that ended. I still don't know if there was an ending for that friendship. I think I've spent a lot of time trying to put off the end, like a TV series that just keeps adding more and more seasons. Regardless of whether it needs to end or not (which I have not decided and will continue not to do so), I spent a lot of time thinking about who I was before and after that friendship, and I've concluded that a lot of who I am now, what my life looks like now is a result of that friendship. I'll give you a hint: I really like who I am now, compared to who I was before, and it showed me a lot of parts of life and friendship that I never expected would happen. That friendship was (is?) one of the most beautiful things that has happened to me in my life.

Let's finish off this reflective post with a quote from Khalil Gibran, that's kinda related to that point about how transformative the past can be, and how we're far better off in future chapters of our lives because of it.

When you part from your friend, you grieve not;

For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.

Again, if you haven't read his collection of poems, you should absolutely 100% drop whatever you're doing right now and do so! Wow, I really just assigned an entire reading list in this post.

I hope in making this movie, Alice found peace. I would hesitate to say that I found peace when making my album. I wrote a lot of songs about the heartbreak I felt from that whole experience. But the last song I wrote, "Best Friends," ends the whole thing on a positive note, that at the end of the day, I remember how my friends (past and present) literally saved my life and how things are looking a little better, and whatever happens, I hope my best friends will be there waiting for me, whoever they end up being.

- OK I PROMISE I DIDN'T SET OUT TO BE 100% SO EMO -

But yeah, I haven't really been doing much otherwise? I guess just tryna stay alive, I've been cooking a lot and cooking a lot of good good food, I did apply to an MBA program, I got my COVID vaccine (second shot this week!), I am excited to announce I am publishing a paper in my MEng lab, which is a really big accomplishment imo, I am thriving in my (1) econ class that I kept, even though I didn't realize we had readings assigned like for the past month, I went to try pastries from this Turkish bakery, I biked, probably, 15 miles over the past month, I've read at least 4 or 5 books this year so far, and am hoping to knock another one out today. Currently dying because trying to finish my thesis in like . a week, which is looking a little challenging, but I'm sure it'll happen!!!??