#( feat. cari fletcher )

[kmvante]

Can I just say your music is amazing like I’ve been listening to it for a bit now and I love all of the tracks. Makes me wanna see how you work in the studio like the production and sound, don’t think I’ll be over it. @carifletch​

[dhaaruni]

Cherry Hello, nice to meet you, my name's Cari We should rendezvous sometime, mon chéri I want you on top of me like cherry, uh, uh Cherry, uh, uh

[waitingona-mirabel]

HOTTOGO: a mal playlist ( @mal-mchale )

cherry by fletcher (feat. hayley kiyoko)

pretty girls by renee rapp

what i want by muna

comme des garçons (like the boys) by rina sawayama

i'm on fire by bruce springsteen

make out by julia nunes

heaven is a place on earth by belinda carlisle

kiss me more by doja cat (feat. sza)

lipstick lover by janelle monet

hot to go! by chappell roan

cherry by fletcher (feat. hayley kiyoko)

Cherry Hello, nice to meet you, my name's Cari We should rendezvous sometime, mon chéri I want you on top of me like cherry Cherry, uh, uh

Mal is a really flirty person and I wanted this playlist to reflect that side of her! This song is just cute and funny and obv very flirty and I don't know if she would call someone mon cheri but maybe she would LMAO. Also this is just an amazing collab so

2. pretty girls by renee rapp

In the p.m., all the pretty girls They have a couple drinks, all the pretty girls So now they wanna kiss all the pretty girls They got to have a taste of a pretty girl

So this is another flirty song but it's also specifically about being with someone who's still kind of figuring out their sexuality and I feel like Mal has probably caused a queer awakening or two in her time whether she is aware of it or if that person was just watching from afar LOL

3. what i want by muna

I want the full effects, I wanna hit it hard I wanna dance in the middle of a gay bar Ooh oh oh, that's what I want There's nothing wrong with what I want Yeah, yeah

This song is sooo fun and it's just about not being ashamed of your desires and going out and having a good time! Whether that's sharing some ~substances with your friends or hooking up or whatever. Mal is very confident and goes for what she wants regardless of the gossip and we love that for her.

4. comme des garçons (like the boys) by rina sawayama

Comme des garçons (comme des garçons) Like the boys, like the boys Comme des garçons I'm so confident

Speaking of confidence! This song I think is about like being confident in yourself and like basically being a bad bitch because plenty of men do that all the time so why not me lol. But I also wanted to put it on here as a sort of tribute to Mal's masc energy, and idk I just think this song has queer rizz

5. i'm on fire by bruce springsteen

Tell me now, baby, is he good to you? And can he do to you the things that I do? Oh no I can take you higher Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire

I put this song on here because Mal is a firefighter obviouslysakljdfhs okay but also imagine Mal singing this song at karaoke. Idk it just works. Are you picking up what I'm putting down. I see it so clearly. I don't have anything else to say about this just go with it.

6. make out by julia nunes

Kiss me in the doorway Always on your way out I'm trying to make you stay So we can make out

Another flirty song look it's a playlist with a theme! This song is just cute and fun and idk I'm sure Mal has a different work schedule from a lot of people being a firefighter and all. I always got queer vibes from this song I have absolutely no idea why but yeah

7. Heaven is a Place on Earth by Belinda Carlisle

Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth? Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth They say in Heaven, love comes first We'll make Heaven a place on Earth Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth

We've all seen that Black Mirror episode, right? Idk lol also I just didn't want Bruce to be the only song from like the 80s on this playlist I wanted to give him some contemporaries. And yeah this is pretty straightforward I mean I don't think Mal is looking for like ~~committed relationship~~ love right now but I think there are many ways of expressing love and many kinds of love and yeah

8. kiss me more by doja cat (feat SZA)

It's just principle Baby, hold me 'Cause I like the way you groove, oh, oh

I put this on here in honor of the Mallora thread that's currently happening ok I joke but this is a bop. Sorry I feel like I'm starting to get repetitive here but you know what I'm going for. Who else can see Mal busting a move to this song in Pixie's??

9. lipstick lover by janelle monet

I like lipstick on my neck It let me know I'm your number one select I like lipstick on my neck Hands around my waist, so you know what's comin' next

This song is so spicyaskdfjhjlk it has a GREAT beat and like idk y'all just listen to the lyrics. Underrated album tbh I should listen to it more. Janelle truly doesn't miss idk

10. hot to go! by chappell roan

What's it take to get your number? What's it take to bring you home? Hurry up, it's time for supper, order up, I'm hot to go!

And finally the inspiration behind the playlist! This song is also here because of firefighter references jkjk it is just a truly perfect song it's so fun and it's BOLD and that's Mal in a nutshell she is not shy she just goes for it!! it's like 199 degrees indeed!!!

[rachaelnpc]

Can Something Be Real?

This has been a year of brutal truth. Truths about the life I thought I was living. Truths about myself and why I am the way I am. Truths about who really cares. Truth hurts. The truth has taken my heart and shredded it. It is overwhelming. This pile at my feet is my heart? How could I have let this happen? You trusted, you loved, you were vulnerable, you put yourself out there, you tried, you put everything you had into something that should have never been trusted. You were forced to trust things growing up that you knew were not safe, that stabbed you in the back over and over. When anyone would look they had already pulled the knife out, smearing the blood on themselves. You try to show everyone the wound on your back, their voice was louder. Everyone hears them say that you tried to frame them, that I was playing the victim. Did no one think to ask if I was even able to reach back that far to have stabbed myself? You were conditioned to put your heart where it would be a feeding free for all, that you were wrong to say it hurt when your heart was being consumed. That if you would have behaved your heart wouldn't have been feed on.

*What a sad pathetic story that no one wants to hear* People want happy, uplifting and stupid shit that doesn't matter like what kind of dog the Kardashians have. I will learn to sew my heart back together. It is going to be fucked up. I am trying to keep the seams lined up best I can. I don't want what I have experienced keep me from what I have always wanted out of life. I DON'T WANT TO BE BROKEN! Once my heart was fixed up and back into my chest it was then I realized... my brain. It was leaking grey oooze. It kept overheating and shutting down. I tried to clean it, hydrate it, work it out, write, meditate, remind it of all the nice things. It stopped oozing. It stopped over heating as often.

*Loud knocking on the door* You turn to answer the door. The door swings open knocking you in the face. You fall backward into the floor hitting your head. Everything fades to dark as you see people armed, running into your home. You lay your head down as you hear your dog barking at the intruders.

The sun is shinning in through the window onto your face. You open your eyes slowly, head throbbing in pain. You slowly sit up. The room is empty. All of the furniture, clothes, belongings are gone. You get up, rushing into each room, flinging open cabinets. *It is all gone, they took everything.* You call out for your dog. You don't hear the sound of their paws across the floor. You run to the backdoor, opening it, calling for them again. Silence.

They took everything. You feel dizzy. You notice spots of blood on the brick below your feet. You feel your nose running. Using your sleeve you wipe away the drips. *Shit* Your nose is bleeding. Turning around, leaving the door open because 'If he's a serial killer what's the worst that could happen to a girl who's already hurt.' Walking into the living room, in the middle where the rug used to be, you lay down. Stretching out your arms and legs you start to make an invisible snow angel. What the hell else are you supposed to do in this moment anyway. You taste the blood draining into the back of your throat. Iron anyone? Please, Edward, eat your heart out I probably won't even feel it.

Thirty-two years and this is all I have to show? A broken heart, a brain conditioned to be controlled, someone who wants to be loved and will put everything on hold to make the love work. Not anymore. I will put myself first. I want to. I don't know how to make choices on my own. Who do I pass my ideas by? I can just have an idea and do it? What if it is stupid? What if I am not making the right choice? Who will keep me in line? I want someone to call me out when I need to be told I am out of line. I miss having someone to share life with. If it is just me, did it even happen? If a tree falls in a forest with no one around did it make a sound? Do I even exist without others? I want to find my best friend, my person, my ying to my yang, my muse, that person that makes it all worth it again. It should be worth it just by myself. It is, but it would be more enjoyable, lets be honest, with someone to experience this life with.

[januaryy-rain]

[thelittlestcheshire]

even if you have to cry, don't let your crown fall

a love letter to luxor’s ches elswood

Well, it’s finally time that I feel ready to post this, and while I’m aware it may be bittersweet with my upcoming departure, I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. Today I present to you a three hour Ches playlist, divided into sections and covering her entire time at Luxor, from when I first picked her up in June of 2019 all the way to now. There’s quite a few plot references, and small (and not as small) references to other muses throughout, especially when it comes to Elliot, so keep an eye out for those as well!

I’d like to thank Lex for giving me the idea to make these, and her support throughout the process because without her, these playlists wouldn’t even exist. And thank you to everyone who has gone on this journey with us, while I’m sorry I need to dip out early after this event to focus on my health, I love y’all so much.

The standard Ches tws apply (poor mental health, alcoholism, etc etc), and anything I think may be a bit abnormal / section exclusive is noted on the sections.

twist me like a key, then you open the lock | pre-luxor:

the section of time before I played Ches at Luxor, very James heavy. additional tws: Death (Sign of the Times), Toxic relationships (nothing explicit tho)

Sign of the Times (Jasmine Thompson) [ Remember everything will be alright. We can meet again somewhere, somewhere far away from here. ] // Sweet Ophelia (Zella Day) [ Singing like it's a full moon, careless now that he has you. Turns you on to the right songs, promises that you're hooked on. ] // Couple of Kids (Maggie Lindemann) [ Now I'm fallin' heavily, recklessly, trying not to lose my sensibility; but gravity, it pulls me into you. ] // Glowstick (Sofia Karlberg) [ You play me like a line-up; long con, you make me wise up. ] // Crying in the Club (Camila Cabello) [ Ain't no crying in the club, hey, hey, let the beat carry away, your tears as they fall, baby. Ain't no crying in the club, hey, hey, with a little faith, your tears turn to ecstasy. ] // Ember (Katherine McNamara) [ Reignite; you lost your grip on me, and now I blaze wild and free. ]

nobody shows up unless i'm paying, have a drink on me cheers to the failing | summer & fall 2019:

the first time I was at Luxor playing ches, from June - October 2019

7 rings (Ariana Grande) [ Been through some bad shit, I should be a sad bitch. Who woulda thought it'd turn me to a savage? ] // I'm a Mess (Bebe Rexha) [ “It's gonna be a good, good life;” that's what my therapists say. ] // OMG (Little Mix) [ Oh my gosh, I did it again. He said I broke his heart, it keeps happening. ] // Only Angel (Harry Styles) [ Couldn't take you home to mother in a skirt that short, but I think that's what I like about it. ] // LA Devotee (Panic! At The Disco) [ Drinking white wine in the blushing light, just another LA Devotee. ] // Woman Like Me (Little Mix feat. Nicki Minaj) [ I made a few mistakes, I regret it nightly. I broke a couple hearts that I wear on my sleeve. ]

all of this emptiness i've been sharing, it never comes when i want it to | winter 2019:

the period of time Ches went home to be with her family and was away from luxor additional tws: vomiting (Habits (Stay High))

Carmen (Lana Del Rey) [ Darlin’, darlin’, doesn't have a problem lyin’ to herself ‘cause her liquor’s top shelf ] // How You Remind Me (Avril Lavigne) [ And I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle. These five words in my head scream, "Are we havin' fun yet?" ] // Playing God (Paramore) [ This is the last second chance (I'll point you to the mirror). I'm half as good as it gets (I'll point you to the mirror). I'm on both sides of the fence (I'll point you to the mirror). Without a hint of regret, I'll hold you to it ] // Habits {Stay High} (Tove Lo) [ Staying in my play pretend, where the fun ain't got no end. Oh, can't go home alone again, need someone to numb the pain. ] // Bedroom Window (The Pretty Reckless) [ As I look out of my bedroom window; is it all real or just fantasy? I have lost touch with what makes me human, I have lost touch with reality. ] // Impossible Year (Panic! At The Disco) [ There's no sunshine, this impossible year; only black days and sky grey and clouds full of fear. ]

i wouldn't say you got the best of me, i'd say you got me somewhere in between | spring 2020:

Ches’s return to Luxor, and the months following leading up to her mass text about Leo’s dad following the Lake Bash

3 O'Clock Things (AJR) [ Would you go running if you saw the real me? Maybe you'd love 'em, yeah, maybe you'd feel me. ] // Wild Heart (Bleachers) [ Well, everything has changed and now I can't tell what matters. I will find any way to your wild heart. ] // Rise (Katy Perry) [ When the fire's at my feet again and the vultures all start circling. They're whispering, “you're out of time.” But still, I rise. ] // Don't Stop Me Now (Queen) [ I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars on a collision course. I am a satellite, I'm out of control. ] // Princesses Don't Cry (CARYS) [ Girls, so pretty and poised and soft to the touch, but God made me rough. Girls, so heavy the crown, they carry it tall, but it's weighing me down. ] // Save Rock And Roll (Fall Out Boy feat. Elton John) [ You are what you love, not who loves you. In a world full of the word 'yes', I'm here to scream... no, no (no, no). ] // Making a Monster out of Me (Katherine McNamara) [ And I don't know how to recollect the morals that I always did possess. Don't know where its leading me. ] // We Don't Have To Dance (Andy Black) [ You're never gonna get it, I'm a hazard to myself. I'll break it to you easy. This is hell, this is hell. ]

tonight it's alright, i can see the tunnel at the end of these lights | summer 2020:

summer camp and the months leading up to a new school year

Night Owls Early Birds (Foxes) [ A wild fire inside me burns. Why do I look like I'm wear for worse? Save me, save me, go underneath the ground. ] // Too Much (Carly Rae Jepsen) [ When I party, then I party too much. When I feel it, then I feel it too much. When I'm thinking, then I'm thinking too much. When I'm drinking, then I'm drinking too much. ] // Royal Blue (Alberto Rosende) [ My regrets are a shade around my neck I know. It's torturous, and there's a burden that I can't let go. ] // Who You Selling For (The Pretty Reckless) [ And when Roger showed me I was building a wall. I've been waiting a long time, waiting a long time, waiting a long time, waiting for it to fall. ] // Heavy (Linkin Park feat. Kiiara) [ You say that I'm paranoid, but I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me. It’s not like I make the choice to let my mind stay so fucking messy. ] // The Archer (Taylor Swift) [ I've been the archer, I've been the prey; screaming, “who could ever leave me,” darling. But who could stay? ] // Everybody Lost Somebody (Bleachers) [ And there's a reason I wake up alone in strange places, a reason I see myself in a million faces, a reason I can't stop it all from changing. So come on, motherfucker, you survive, you gotta give yourself a break. ]

no cameras catch my muffled cries. i counted days, i counted miles | fall and winter 2020(/21):

a new school year, from the start of the semester right until the aftermath of the kings’ party

So It Goes (Guards) [ I don't know who I am but I do know who I'm not. I'm just looking for a friend, I'm still searching for the plot. ] // Wasabi (Little Mix) [ Love to hate me, praise me, shame me; either way, you talk about me. ] // Think Before I Talk (Astrid S) [ Maybe I should think before I talk; I get emotional and words come out all wrong. Sometimes I'm more honest than I want. ] // Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince (Taylor Swift) [ No cameras catch my muffled cries. I counted days, I counted miles to see you there, to see you there. And now the storm is coming, but... ] // Sober Up (AJR feat. Rivers Cuomo) [ Won't you help me sober up? Growin' up, it made me numb, and I wanna feel somethin' again. ] // The Show Must Go On (Queen) [ Empty spaces, what are we living for? Abandoned places, I guess we know the score, on and on. Does anybody know what we are looking for? ] // Waiting For A Friend (The Pretty Reckless) [ My head is like a prison cell, I'm all by myself. I'm waiting for my friend to come and break me out. ] // Sober (Demi Lovato) [ I'm sorry that I'm here again, I promise I'll get help. It wasn't my intention, I'm sorry to myself. ] // Eight (Sleeping At Last) [ I'm just a kid who grew up scared enough to hold the door shut, and bury my innocence. But here's a map, here's a shovel, here's my Achilles' heel. ]

i got this handled, i don't need rescuing | spring and early summer 2021:

ches’s progress from the end of march until now

The Man (Taylor Swift) [ I’m so sick of running as fast as I can, wondering if I'd get there quicker if I was a man. And I'm so sick of them coming at me again, 'cause if I was a man, then I'd be the man. ] // Princess (FLETCHER) [ But we're all going through it, so why do we do it? Why do we hide? ] // Humpty Dumpty (AJR) [ If I can't breathe, then you can't see, but aren't you excited that I'm giving you the best me? ] // My Mistake (Gabrielle Aplin) [ Am I jaded? Am I meant to feel this way?  I'm a loser, getting beat by my own game. But if I falter, well, at least it was my mistake. ] // The Climb (Miley Cyrus) [ The struggles I'm facing, the chances I'm taking; sometimes might knock me down, but no, I'm not breaking. ] // breathin (Ariana Grande) [ Some days, things just take way too much of my energy. I look up and the whole room's spinning. You take my cares away. ] // Clean (Taylor Swift) [ Ten months sober, I must admit just because you're clean, don't mean you don't miss it. Ten months older, I won't give in, now that I'm clean, I'm never gonna risk it. ] // Not a Pop Song (Little Mix) [ A hamster on a wheel that's how it feels tryna be real. These unrealistic expectations said we'll make it if we fake it. ] // Queen (Loren Gray) [ Eyes on me like I'm a prize but you better recognize I'm not your angel 'cause I belong to me. ] // The Cure (Little Mix) [ This happiness was always inside me but Lord, it took a minute to find me. ]