#(I think bro needs a doctor.)
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good morning everybody this is your daily reminder to read empire of glass by andy lane. right now actually. stop everything you're doing. look at these clowns. case studies in the cain instinct. prime examples in fact
#ft. my little annotations cheering for them to give in and start pummeling each other#i am begging rtd to bring brax into the show. adapt this rn. let the doctor be an asshole little sibling on live tv pleaseeee#we need more content of them in general actually their dynamic is just fantastic#also steven is having the most tragic gay romance of his life at this point but this aint abt him. lungbarrow bros be upon ye#actually steven has the worst day ever in this book. he gets hit by brax's car in one scene. brax meanwhile thinks hes just a big rat#irving braxiatel#first doctor#dw
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honestly if I were ever to throw the Suitehearts into any of my Killjoys stuff the dynamic would literally be the stupidest thing in the world. you do not want to have the Four and those guys together in any setting. it's a recipe for disaster. Jet and Benzedrine bitch and bicker like old ladies. telepathic warfare is waged via a complex language of glares and eyebrow movements between everyone in the room. Sandman makes a wholeheartedly joking comment to Ghoul like "I want to study you in a lab" and Kobra Kid gives him a black eye on the spot. Crab and Donnie end up playing hide n seek with the Girl until someone else who isn't aware of the game accidentally dumps a whole dude out of their hiding spot on accident and then gets elbowed for it. everyone hates each other but they're also kind of pals in the way that people who occasionally help each other out but don't see each other outside of that can be. that kind of thing
#they're SOOO insane everyone hates each other but they're also bros. do you get me?#I have a couple random fic concepts where they have to help each other out and Jet literally has to mediate so much bs#like we do not have sandkid in this house. those two are trying to maim or murder each other at all times.#I feel like there's times that one or both of them has to be physically restrained.#party loves em. hates all of their guts but loves em.#IDK MAN the mental image of sandman making a dumb comment to ghoul bc he just. jokes around like an idiot as his default#and kobra just instantly sucker punching him for it... vivid mental images fr#I also think in my universe the 'hearts are a traveling circus (in that they're all frickin clowns lol) and just go wherever they're needed#as far as the idea that benzedrine is like A Doctor yknow? bc I am in fact taking that angle#he was like a resident med student in the city and crap went down and made him a little bit off his rocker and he ran for the Zones#and sandman was born out there and just. found this odd new guy intriguing.#donnie and crab are related in some way. crab is mute (nobody knows if it's selectively or for physical reasons). donnie#is kinda the brawn of the group. he will physically restrain any of the others if they're getting out of hand. it's wild#she speaks!#danger days
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I miss nine and ten so bad I'm gonna be sick no one did it like them ever again ououuughhhh
#i think its because they took away the guilt.#im so serious the destruction of gallifrey carried this whole fucking show on it's shoulders and they fucked it up#11 was bad and 12 was fine but i don't really care idk#i really think it's because of the guilt#he was so so good and so hurt and so guilty of everything he'd done and he had this darkness that he himself feared OUUGHH#it feels like they minimized it so much in later seasons it's not even worth mentioning you know#ugh i need to finish 12's run and then 13#i really want to catch up and see the new doctor but I don't have high expectations bro i dont believe it will ever be as good#i CRIED for HOURS after the end of time 2 you dont even fucking understand me
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OCD is pretty common among autistic people, and many of us who dont have full-on OCD may experience some things that can be kinda similar to some aspects of it. I'm on the spectrum myself and i also have this issue of basically getting stuck on some thoughts. It sucks, sometimes it's something that makes me angry but doesnt actually matter that much in the grand acheme of things and i just end up in a bad mood over something stupid and cant stop thinking abt it for a few days even though there are no new thoughts about it, i just keep going through old ones again and again and again. I dont know if there's a term for it, but hey, at least I'm not the only one, and neither are you. Generally i just look for distractions and wait until the thoughts get less obsessive and annoying
That makes sense, thanks!
#logically i kno theres a spectrum of experience from autistic restrictive and repetitive behavior to full on ocd and im an ecologists so i#kno natrue does not give a damn abt human boxes and labels but unfortunately if u give me a set of labels i will obsessively try to parse#out what fits into what best and it drives me nuts. which is probably part of why i fall into the 0cd side of things. all of my thoughts#tend to b looping a repetitive and it makes me freak the fuck out lol. im also supposed to ground myself and move on which is hard to do#rn i think abt ice floating down a channel. floating down the northwest passage bc im again an obsessional freak#but that seems to help a bit lowering my distress. i need to pull myself out of my own head and into the present. mindfulness as my#therapist would say. and im trying but its hard and i hate it lol. eventually itll get easier tho. one hopes at least#to b fair im way more chill abt this categorical debate than parsing whether or not im bip0lar lol bc that comes with meds#and im spectacular at talking myself out of medication and i kno that and the doctors kno that but they dont say it directly and im like bro#its fine i kno what ur thinking and ur right but also im insane in a way that makes me ridiculously well informed so im a disaster#i walk in like im colaborating on a research project which tbh is probably a good thing bc i hold all the info#unrelated
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funniest (/s) irony about my pains is that the only painkiller that actually helps (mostly, not entirely) likely also makes them worse in the long run. i just love having a body and being alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#i don't know what to do 😭😭😭😭😭 i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow ig I'll ask him#since i don't have an actual diagnosis yet idk if it's actually a big no-no like it is for ppl with the disease i MIGHT have#but given my symptoms match up and keep coming back despite me supposedly taking medicine to help#i think it's safe to assume i should at least treat my body as if it has it#(also when i say symptoms i mean more than pains like. i mean actual internal inflammation n shit like that)#god. god I'm so tired. i have to take a painkiller every day bc it's just so unbearable#but ik taking them this often isn't a good idea. and i can't mix them up with others bc like i said it's the only one that helps#I'm so so tired of being in pain. and being scared to do basic things my body needs in order to function bc they make the pain worse#fucking drinking water makes the pains worse sometimes 😭😭😭😭 but it's not like i can avoid that#and every source i read said an unstable mental state makes it worse so that's just great.#bro the pains make my mental state worse!!!! this is a neverending cycle!!!!!! i want to fucking dieeeeeee#vent#medical //#ask to tag
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It's lovely when I read a book and some random paragraph in it hits me in the face like a train at mach speed
#◜✧ . ❪ muse. tobias. ❫#ask to tag#Before this I was catching up with the Doctors are Out webtoon too and atm it's an arc where an abuser#got back to his victim bc he and the authorities dgaf about upholding his restraining order like bro I GET it. I get it. I KNOW#Tobias showing up like that one surprise 'heyyy' girl meme gif bc he's the solution (<- getting rid of them Permanently): >:)#No matter where I look this guy manages to weasel his way in. I cannot escape#Now I'm thinking about how Wammy's orphans have such different perspectives on what they should do and what justice means...#to some of them (ex Near) it means catching sb legally by mostly lawful means and yeeting them into prison#to others (ex Mello) it means catching sb by any means necessary but still trying his best to avoid murder#and then to others (ex Tobias) murdering these people who he knows will escape sooner or later anyway is justice in itself#You try to put Wammy orphans down at a table to come to a collective agreement on how they should operate and they simply Cannot#Watari mildly fucked up when he made them ALL headstrong and under the belief that they're always the right one in the room#I bet any of them comes up w a cohesive plan and there's sb in the room IMMEDIATELY pointing out why that plan isn't it 😭#Obviously they'd still synch with each other if need be (ex Mello & Near) but forbid they work TOGETHER together as more than ~2 people#Tobias and Near would be such a funny duo esp. bc Near sees people resorting to murder as wrong and disgusting no matter if it's valid#meanwhile Tobias sees lawful justice as nothing but a farce because 99% of the time it does nothing besides giving a momentary#ego boost to the person who caught the criminal. and then beyond that it's no longer their business if the criminal escapes or not#but it IS very much everyone else's business; and why many live in terror daily wondering if their nightmare will return tomorrow#to be fair Tobias couldn't care less about their feelings 99% of the time either but Watari DID teach him to enact justice. and to him#getting rid of the root of the problem rather than locking it up IS justice. He perceives the problems from much closer than#other Wammy orphans ever have. He's RIGHT THERE in the middle of it whereas they're in some safe place far away from the victims#plus their backgrounds are far too different from his own to reach a consensus too... you can't make him believe prison = justice#just as you can't make them believe murder = justice. But I do think people would prefer Tobias' approach far more than idk Near's#again it's not like Tobias cares about how he's perceived by the people he saves! (or if he's even perceived at all) but I can imagine#going to sleep knowing the person/people/group/etc having it out for you no longer exists is a much more heartening sentiment than#hearing they've been sent to prison; from where they can send sb else after you or from where they can escape in due time
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Oppositional defiant disorder I hate you forever
#it shouldn’t exist! it’s a bad disorder and we should stop diagnosing it!#ooooh I get so mad#I’m writing a paper about it and I have had to put all of research away and fully stop thinking about it multiple times bc I’ll read some#crazy shit that pisses me off.#these papers will be like there’s a significant decrease in oppositional behaviors when treated with adhd meds#or like. childhood abuse is a significant risk factor#like no! maybe it’s just like. adhd (which causes irritability!!) or a fucking traumatized kid who doesn’t have right control over their#emotions. like there is no reason for this disorder to exist#I read in something that close to 60% of children diagnosed with adhd meet requirements for odd like maybe it’s fucking. the same thing#causing these issues. have we considered that maybe the disorder known for causing executive dysfunction is like. possibly causing this#executive dysfunction. have we considered this. anyone. has anyone had the thought.#like I understand not everyone with adhd experiences this. however. it’s certainly enough of a correlation that it’s like. bro wtf.#if it needs to be diagnosed it makes much more sense as a signifier on an adhd diagnosis so at least the kid can get access to#accommodations or meds if they need them. instead of being essentially labeled bad kid for life#bc even trying to talk to a doctor to get it off your record is literally taken as proof you have it which is so fucked. god I’m so mad
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man .
#wordstag#uur not going to believe this but that appointment we scheduled? Yeah it's still happening. What the hell..#I think . They should cancel all appointments forever for me. Because I've been sooooo good like#drinking water. Eating food. The works. Come on now#lil ol me? Going to the doctor? Laughable. We all know that I'm perfectly healthy#I wake up in da morning eat food brush my teeth do fuckall eat lunch do fuckall eat dinner shower then go to sleep. For 10 hours !!!#you can trrust me bro#8 glasses of water. Every day. Yeah I know I'm good; aren't I?#I tthink I need to get my blood drawn too because that was supposed to happen like a year ago 🩸🩸🩸🩸 good thing nothing bad happened#cod it's not even the like. Hey don't eat anything or whatever part . It's just the fact that I have to go. I think they should just#let me ship my blood over. In a neat little vial. I can trust ups with this task#that said we're gonna have to be on our best behavior o7 I'm gonna sleep so good that the doctor will get jealous.#they'll walk in and go wow! That's the face of the most well rested [X] year old I've ever met! I'm proud of you#and we'll pass alllllll the test. Every single onnathem.#we're going to pass with flying colors. And they'll even give me a sticker. That's how good I'll do.#I love trips to da . Dockter. Dockters love me also. Peace and love on planet earth.#doctors office is so fun !
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im actually gonna throw up what the fuck
#what do u MEAN it takes 3-5 months of my life spent waiting and hoping and not having many goddamn money#(bc i can’t work!!! doctor certified!!!)#to hear if these stupid fucking people think i count as ‘disabled enough’ for benefits#sorry i was just like . it’s been a month & i haven’t heard Anything wtf . at Least 2 more months of this……. bro i need it sooner like fr
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💉🏨🧸🩹
#ok but honestly i just want my health to go back to 'normal' now (normal meaning how it was one month ago)#im so so so so hungry all the time. i barely eat anything#and i cant eat the way i normally do (which isnt even stereotypically unhealthy even)#but i cant just eat whatever i want. and that includes veggies and healthy food as well#and my mom is telling me to eat. my doctor said i just need to eat and see what gives me bad reactions etc#but i have like a psychological lock in my headthat makes me so scared of eating#it just sucks so fucking much to have food and then my back burns and my stomach hurts af#i just wanna feel healthy and normal in my body :((((#i know it's life to get sick but i have normally bad anxiety and this kind of stuff makes it worse#im so exhausted thinking abt what i can eat. and all my options are so expensive as well and im poor#im hungry all day and i just wanna eat bro#and i dont wanna be in pain anymore im over it!!!!!!!!!#it's making me extremely angry and irritable too. like gimme food or i kill!!! im so mad constantly sksk
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“Anxiety-easing emails” has got to be the wildest oxymoron I’ve seen in a long time
#i don’t know why i got this email about mental health day but i got it and ohhhh boy#i opened it thinking ‘sure yeah i could use some mental health. i don’t have any at the moment’#and the suggestions i get are 1) go for a walk 2) sign up to an email list 3) take a quiz (that’ll probably put you on an email list)#bro i think we are past the point of any of those being in any way helpful#like yesterday i was thinking about finally doing what everyone in my life has been screaming at me to do & seeking therapy#and then i started thinking about what i might say in a therapy session and then i remembered about the things i can’t say#because i will immediately get sectioned#and like. essentially i’m saying i don’t think taking a quiz that will give me 5 suggested actionable steps is going to help me#yes fine i’ll call the doctor tomorrow or at the very least wednesday#today was kind of busy which is genuinely the only reason i didn’t call#literally not long after i got up my friend showed up with her kid because the kid had been repeating ‘auntie ellen’#and then i had lunch with my grandparents and they gave me anxiety about the future so i applied to like five jobs#and then i had to watch escape to the country with my grandma (😵💫)#and then just when i got my bearings an amazon package arrived. and just like that the surgery was closed. rip#i’ll try again. i will. everyone just needs to leave me alone for long enough to make a phonecall#personal
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What bro thinks he's like ⮷
#IM A DEMON!!!#BE VERY AFRAID!!!#I AM ACTUALLY KING OF ALL DEMONS#(lucifer isn't real idk what you're talking about)#MEEEEE IM THEEEE DEMOOON#I AM THE BEST IN THE WORLD#(talk about a narcissist)#I AM ALSO BIG FURRY WOLF MAN AND I HAVE DEMONIC LANGUAGE#(literally uses a lingojam translator and thinks he's slick 🤦)#I MAKE MY OWN ART AND PUT ALL MY EMOTION INTO IT#(has traced every single art he's ever made and i feel ashamed for defending him thinking he's not lying)#(seriously.... even the wolf drawings? damn you don't stop anywhere do you)#(I think bro needs a doctor.)#(he has too much lying management issues...)#wait did i mention that he was trying so hard to be someone he isn't? maybe that's why I hate him so much
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I have bladder incontinence issues so I lower my daily purely water intake and severely cut my carbonated water intake
I have sinus issue that include heavy drying I am told to increase my purely water intake to 2 litres a day when my average before cutting back was maybe 1 1/2
body we have got to come to a compromise incontinence underwear is FUCKING EXPENSIVE
#other wise im fine wearing it#it would just rock to not have to spend 26$+ for 12 pairs. thats not even 2 weeks on the job for me..... bro.#i should call my doctor and see if i am a good candidate for medicinal intervention for it at this point. holding it and timing it are not#options for me when im away from a bathroom for 1.5-2.5 hours twice a day#urologist referral here i come. probably.#im not stopping my adhd medication which is the cause of it we think. bcus i was already struggling with amouny of times a day i feel the#need to pee a day before starting it i just also had more access to the bathroom because i wasnt working as man shifts#u g h.#tmi
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...
#it is truly so wild to go from feeling miserable and hopeless all the time for... lets look at my excel sheet#the last 23 days. then to suddenly rocket up to smiling to myself all day. the world is so fucking beautiful#for no rational reason aside from what i have to assume is a chemical shift in my body#like is this what happy ppl feel like all the time? its truely so crazy. have i always been like this?#did i not notice this was a thing? like ive definitely noticed it in the last year but like ???#my suspicion is that it doesnt actually last long enough to b considered hypomania but like idk i should see a doctor probably lol#u would think being happy would make it easier to do things but i just keep forgetting to do them and just like spacing out lol bc rn i#feel chill. even tho i need to make a list of the shit i gotta do by Friday. bleh. but idk it makes being in thr lab so much nicer bc i#mean. i still dont give a fuck abt what im doing but im like fuck it this isnt gonna b my problem in like 2-3 months. even tho im sure ill#still have to write up everything. but idk. it also makes it easier to b like. ok so i kno what my problems r lets plan yo make things not#so horrible so u dont just live a miserable life and then like die having lived a life of fear. like its so crazy how much easier thst is#to do rn??? well see how long it lasts but yea v strange. wish i could control my fucking focus tho. like that would b great#its like the fucking painting of hypnose. my focus is like a lighthouse wildly swinging its light around until it sometimes blasts me in#the face. like not helpful. i need to b able to do things.#i guess the weird thing rn is thst while i feel happy. i also have this like simmering fear of irrational things. like when i used to live#in my parents basement and i was terrified of the dark rooms down there at night. like that kind of childish baseless fear#but like im in i tiny tiny apartment lol like bro what r u scared of??? silly silly silly#idk hopefully it holds out the whole rest of the week and then i can travel and see my parents like !!! yo !!! happy vibes :-D#that would b kinda unhinged lmao. i doubt itll last thst long. its already slipped from this morning so we shall see#unrelated
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God fucking dammit
#I just wanna be normal for 5 minutes#I wanna be able to function at my job#I wanna be able to to basic life shit#I wanna be able to just call my doctor!!!#why do I have to a) be hormonal and b) depressed and anxious#when I have shit to do?!?!?!?#please#I’m tired of this shit bro#you’d think that the break for the holidays would’ve let me rest enough to get myself back on track#but noooo of course not. not that I didn’t rest. it just didn’t help.#I feel like I really do need to ask for help#but I also should’ve asked months ago#and I know that people are gonna be upset that I didn’t ask back then (ie my parents)#and I know the answer will be “just ask someone else” but my parents are the ones who support me financially#so they really should be involved#I just wish everything would stop for like. a couple months#I wish things were different.#I wish I was different#fuck I hate this. I hate feeling like this.#I also really hope my boss doesn’t walk in anytime soon cause I’m just gonna be sobbing for a bit I think#I wish I could run away and disappear. it’d be so much easier.#yeah yeah difficult things are worth doing. I know that.#I just wish things didn’t have to be difficult all the time.#I should be able to make a phone call or register for classes without feeling like I’m gonna throw up
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#How have I just now realized how oddly prone I was to hallucinations as a child what was that-#like im pretty sure i havent had any hallucinations in a good few years ? but ?? what was up with that ???#i think the most prominent ones were me getting injured and there being a lot of blood so I'd close my eyes refusing to look at it and#everyone else thinking that i was overreacting#bro who made this brain i just wanna talk#it wasnt even just blood i distinctly remember hallucinating someone sweeping our floor with a broom and then doing a double take to see#that no one was there. among other things#i think it may have contributed to my distrust of my own eyes and mind tbh. i always need to fully prove to myself that something is real#before acting on it#and now im. delusional instead of hallucinating. so#no im not going to go to a doctor about it i do not trust them <3
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