#(bc this is a real thing that happens in the real world shocker I know but sometimes friend groups have several mlm folks)

[featureenvyproductions]

"Why does everything need to be Gay now it's so shallow to make men attracted to each other when they could be Pure Platonic Friends -"

oops sorry I can't hear you over the sound of me Doing What I Want Forever because I have been watching movies, TV, and animation since the 80s and have watched enough shallow heterosexual romances that would have been stronger as mlm-wlw solidarity friendships to fill the space between stars in a galaxy

[ririglow]

Madly | Joe Burrow

pairings: loner! joe burrow x popular reader

word count: 11.7k

genre: college au!

warnings: long hair Joe (don't know if that's considered a warning or not but oh well!) reader is a bit of an airhead, cursing, drinking, awkward Joe (he gets no hoes in this), shy Joe (bc why not), the reader is toxic and unlikable in some instances, heavy make-out session, slight dry humping, there's no actual smut in this

synopsis: the popular loner gets dared to play the seven minutes in heaven at a party in a haunted house and you his crush volunteer as a tribute to participate.

a/n: shitty ass description but you get the picture! also yes that is joe with long hair someone on Twitter made that edit and since then my brain has been racking with ideas of long hair Joe. It"s giving "because tonight will be the night that I will fall for yew!!"

It was another Saturday night and you were looking forward to the party you were attending. You've always enjoyed parties, especially when they're hosted by someone you know. The idea of letting loose and having a good time is something you can't resist. You believe that having fun and being a little carefree is an essential part of life, especially when you're in college. You're not afraid to admit it, and you don't care what people think about your party-girl lifestyle.

However, tonight was different. You were feeling uneasy about the party's location, and it was making you second-guess your decision to go.

"Who had the bright idea to throw a Halloween party in a real haunted house?" Cato, your friend, expressed her apprehension as she adjusted her bunny ears. You can't blame her; this was a disaster waiting to happen. Dumb college students decide to rave in a house where there have been numerous reports of "dark spirits" from past murders. As much as you'd prefer not to be the prophet of doom, the situation sounds like something out of a cliche horror film.

It didn't help that the location is in vast flat farmland stretching hundreds of miles with the only sign of life you'd encountered on your journey being countryside animals. What in the world was Sam thinking? What were you thinking?

"That'll be your "bright" boy toy, Sam Hubbard." You respond with a compressed smile as you open the car door and step out. The cold October air hits you harshly, your pink leotard and sparkles fishnet tights were completely useless.

Your gaze immediately latches on the creepy and dilapidated house that wasn't too far off in the distance. The old Victorian-style home that has witnessed the best of days is now weathered and shadowy. The only thing stopping it from looking utterly ghastly was the seasonal decorations on the outside and the loud music blasting inside. Even though the house is not exactly in its prime you couldn't help but admire the elaborate woodwork and design.

"What?!" You felt a hefty smack land on your arm. "I had no idea this was Sam's party! Oh my God!"

"I know right?! Isn't it great?!" You chirped with a big smile. "You guys can finally spend some time with each other. "

Cato rolls her eyes walking alongside you as you make your way toward the house saying, "No thanks I'd like to maintain my dignity."

For a long time, she has struggled with her crush on Sam. Her philosophy is that if she avoids him as much as possible, those feelings will fade. Furthermore, her integrity will not be compromised simply because she has a huge crush on one of the school's wildest and most cocky athletes.

"Believe it or not, he's got a crush on you just as much as you do on him." You mentioned.

Cato rolls her eyes and continues to walk, saying, "That's not a crush; that's pure lust. Which isn't much of a shocker given how many girls he's fucked with around campus."

Your head shook in denial. "Sam might have a negative IQ and spend most of his life doing stupid crap like this," you gesture toward the house. "But take it from someone who hangs around him a lot; he's not like that."

"As the saying goes, seeing is believing, and from what I have gathered, he likes to stick his dick into anything that has a hole in it.".

"Oh really? or are you listening to those friends of yours again whose only action is tongue-kissing a tree?"

You and Cato are from different social circles. You prefer to party instead of attending study programs on the weekend, while Cato is a high-achieving scholar who is driven by the desire to learn. She always puts her education first and is the type of student who would prepare for a pop quiz as if it were an SAT. Needless to say, your ambitions and success are on opposite ends of the spectrum.

"Hey! not too much on Peggy," She scowls defensively. " The bottom line is I know he's only looking for someone to keep his bed warm."

You didn't bother responding because you knew there was no point in persuading her that her perception of him was wrong. Instead, you proceed to the front door of the house. As you both approach, you can smell the musty odor of the place, which is likely to be older than your grandparents.

Since the music was so loud, you grabbed the rusty door handle and pulled it open without knocking. Upon entering the inside wasn't what anyone would expect based on the outside image. The decoration and color scheme looked impressive. Fake cobwebs and caution tape were draped around the foyer, and a number of orange and black balloons were scattered on the floor. There were fake spiders on the walls, but you weren't sure if they were real or not. It wouldn't be surprising if they pertain to the house, you're in. Your eyes roamed over everyone in either the most generic costume to the most ridiculous, a cluster of people stood in corners making out dancing, drinking, or just talking. The energy felt very laidback, you were surprised many people even showed up given the rumors of the house.

A medium-sized table next to the entrance with an "entry fee" sign caught your eye. Rather than a bowl of cash, it had shot glasses holding liquid-filled syringes.

"This is clever," You said in awe as you grabbed two glasses handing one over to Cato.

"Oh no, one of us has to be the sober one here tonight." She said while shaking her head.

"C'mon Cat, it's only one shot and it comes with a chaser," You told her before shooting the vodka-filled syringe directly into your mouth and then chasing it down with a glass of soda.

She sighs knowing you would scowl at her for being such a killjoy. "This will be my first and only drink for tonight"

"Fine by me," You shrug taking another shot." Just as long you're not going to be uptight as a nun in a bar, all night we should be good."

"Remind me why we're friends again?" She says reluctantly, before quickly consuming the vodka.

"We help each other out." You patted her shoulder. "Without me, you would be doing a four-thousand-piece globe puzzle right now bored out of your mind, and I would be here surrounded by idiots alone."

"You'll have Sam," She points out.

"He's one of the idiots I was referring to."

"Takes one to know one." Cato teased, and in return, you playfully shoved her shoulder.

You walk further into the house. Off the main hallway, to the right, is the front parlor. The white sheet-covered furniture in this room is surrounded by a few people who sit idly. You greeted familiar faces passing by, not bothering to engage in full conversation. While Cato is after you, unable to leave your side, which is understandable, you doubt any of her other friends were attending this party. Not like any of them would be able to make it past the front door.

You beckon Cato to follow as you weave through the crowd. You passed a couple dressed up as Fred and Daphne from Scooby Doo making out on the couch with the guy's hand buried underneath the girl's skirt, in front of everyone with zero shame.

Damn. You thought as they were quite literally about to rip each other's clothes off.

"I need to get laid," You said sighing at the sight feeling a bit jealous you have no one to do that with.

"They were so rough with each other," Cato said with a grimace.

"What's wrong with that?" You said without a care in the world. Much like your personalities, your interpretations of sex are wildly different. You remember when she'd gossiped about the times she hooked up with a guy from her debate club, vanilla wouldn't be the word to describe the sex she experienced. It was dull as dishwater, you fell asleep on the phone as she ranted about how sweet he stayed in missionary for the whole hour.

Still to this day, you don't know how she can proudly profess that to someone, even to you. However, as her best friend, you still were pleased that her sex life was no longer non-existent even congratulated her on her achievement of screwing one of the student councils.

You made it to the crowded kitchen and immediately the strong scent of alcohol filled your nostrils, almost clouding your brain. To no surprise, multiple beer kegs are sitting on the counter, floor, and table. One of which is currently being guzzled by the host of the party, while doing a keg stand. Two people assist in holding both of his legs upright as the crowd gathers around shouting "Chug! Chug! Chug!"

"Oh my god, is that Sam?!" Cato exclaims beside you with widen eyes as she takes in her crush doing what he does best, stupid shit.

"Yup." You said simply, popping the "p". Crossing your arms you observe the scene in front of you, wondering how many more seconds he has until he pukes up his last few remaining brain cells.

It didn't take long for his balance to become uncoordinated and soon his body toppled forward falling off the table on the empty cans of beer and balloons that were scattered on the floor. The room quieted down as everyone including yourself and Cato included looked down at Sam, who lay flat on his back staring up at the ceiling.

"Is he okay?! oh my god, we need to help him." Cato motions to step forward, however, your arm shot out to stop her.

"Wait for it..."

You watch Sam slowly gets up before shouting. "That was fucking awesome! Hell yeah!" The crowd was brought back to life as they cheered along with him.

"He can't be serious?" She expressed her surprise.

The crowd cheered as Sam, dressed in a cowboy outfit, showed off his biceps in triumph. "Like a heart attack," you responded simply as he fires himself up, you swear that man belongs in wrestling instead of football. Cato seems unable to take her eyes off Sam, specifically his bare chest, partially covered by a leather vest that looks small in comparison to his enormous stature. With the red bandana tied around his neck and the tight wrangler cowboy-cut jeans, you would've thought he was planning a strip tease show.

"Hey, pick your jaw off the floor he's coming over here." You nudged her softly, watching Sam's eyes brighten extra once he spotted you leaning against the wall before making his way in your direction.

Sam's large frame pushed through the crowd as steps in front of you, his eyes shifting over to the right side of you towards Cato. It was a brief look but you could detect the admiration behind it, and Cato's fake unbothered demeanor as she looks everywhere but at Sam. You could practically hear her internal screaming that was going off inside her head. It's almost sickening how neither party wouldn't dare to be the first person to make a move.

"Y/N! I see you made it." As Sam embraces you, he opens his arms in greeting. As your cheek touches his sweaty chest, a heavy aroma of beer fills your nostrils, making you physically cringe.

"Can't see how I would miss this." You said wiping your cheek with a grimace as you pull away.

"Well, the last time I heard from you it sounded like you wanted to." He said with a chuckle. Your eyebrows furrowed not knowing what he meant. Sam seems to notice and continues saying." You texted me and said Sam, what makes you think I want to party at the exorcist's house?"

You let out a sound of realization, remembering the text you had sent him after he insist you partake in his foolery. To which you flat out dismissed, even though you consider Sam to be one of your closest friends, and find a majority of his chaotic antics amusing there were some things you have boundaries too, and one of those things is being inside a house where multiple murders happened. Not exactly a place you want to go for "fun". But nonetheless, you were here.

"Hey, you made it seem like you were eager to go to this party," Cato spoke up, looking at you confused.

"I was..." You trailed off not knowing what to say, distinctively remembering inquiring to Cato about the party, instead of going to a board game cafe she proposed to you with her friends. "Sam!" You exclaim, changing the subject. "I must say you've outdone yourself with this one."

"Pretty sick right? The blood was hard to scrub off when we were decorating the place but I'd say it turned out pretty good." He nodded to himself looking around.

You and Cato shared a look before saying. "Wait, what?"

He faced you two and flashed a grin. "I'm only kidding."

Before anyone could say anything else a voice calls out. "Yo, Sam!"

It was Sam's best friend Nick. The two of them were strikingly similar in many ways, and sometimes they shared the same uncanny ability to think and act irrationally. However, Nick was not your biggest fan for whatever reason you don't know. Okay, that's not true you do know the reason, but managed to put it past you.

"What's up?" Sam said acknowledging him.

"Me and the boys playing beer pong out back, you trying to shoot?" He asked after briefly greeting Cato and ultimately ignoring you. Ah. No surprise there. Though you weren't fazed in the slightest.

"Hell yeah! are any of you willing to put some money down ?" Sam grinned.

"Logan might not since he blew his last five hundred." His daddy's five hundred, Logan Wilson has never worked a day in his life and only fiend off his rich parents. Just like you. But, unlike Logan, you spend your money on things that are worthy, like shoes, clothes, hair, and makeup…

Not a stupid game that consist throwing plastic balls into cups of beer.

You notice Nick purposely has his back to you and was facing Cato and Sam. Although you didn't care, you don't like being ignored, especially when you're so used to there being a lot of attention on you most of the time.

"It's not nice to ignore someone, Nick." You speak up placing a hand on your chest as if you were hurt by his lack of attention. Hell would have to freeze over for you to find yourself caring about the feelings of someone who ate a worm just because he saw on the internet of it tasted like chicken.

"Not ignoring, just not caring for your existence." He says while cutting his eye over to you.

"And why is that?" You ask with a confused look on your face.

He gritted his teeth as he said, "Are you seriously going to pretend like what you did to Tyler last month didn't happen?"

Throwing up your hands in desperation, you said to Nick, "Exactly a month ago! All wrongs need to be forgiven and forgotten. So tell your brother to stop being dramatic and unblock me so we can work things out. "

"You know, I am so glad you guys are through. That way he can find someone who has more class and is less bitchy." He scoffs.

"Just like your dad did to your mom last year I assume right?"

"You're such a bitch…" He said starting to get in your personal space, however, Sam stepped in between you two.

Your chuckle was uninhibited, despite him being twice as large as you. A hum escaped your lips as you glanced down at your medium-sized pink French tips, reminding yourself to schedule an appointment with your nail technician.

"Hey man, cool it, just go ahead. I'll be out there in a minute." Sam assured giving him a serious look.

Nick continues to glare at you as he walked away while you give him a mocking wave goodbye.

"Cat, I know what you're going to say." You huffed out practically feeling her disapproval.

"Good so you know that was so low of you to do?" She hissed.

"I didn't even say anything that was oh-so bad."

"You were totally out of pocket saying that about Tyler and on top of that you made fun of their parent's divorce!"

"He called me classless and bitchy." You defended. "Sam help me out here?"

He scratches his head looking uneasy. "I don't agree with what he said but you did cheat on his brother."

"Would you guys stop saying that? I didn't fully cheat!" You huffed crossing your arms. "It was more of a half-cheat..."

A month ago you made a big mistake. To make a long story short, you were at your boyfriend Tyler's frat party and got pissed on alcohol, then made out with a guy. Even worse it was the night of his birthday when he discovered you and the random guy kissing. In fairness, you thought he was Tyler since they seemed to favor each other so much. Not to mention that you were drunk. When you're drunk, you sometimes do really stupid shit under the influence.

"Also, he's not officially my ex I'm working on getting him back by the way." You said. Even though he hasn't replied to any of your texts and blocked you on social media, you still believe that he will come to realize what you did wasn't entirely bad and forgive you. Your touch starvation was exacerbated by his absence.

"Shouldn't you...give him space?" Sam spoke hesitantly.

You gave him a stare.

"Space? I've given him a month to forgive me!"

"That is not how forgiveness works." Cato shakes her head. " And I agree with Sam, maybe you should just let him breathe."

You didn't miss the way Sam looked at her as if she knew the answers to all the world's unanswered questions. God that guy is so whipped.

"You act as if I show up at his home with binoculars and watch him."

"No but you did make a fake account on Instagram to-" Sam started to say

"Sam!" You cut him off with a glare.

He closes his mouth and threw his hands up in defense.

"Do you not see what you did was wrong?" Cato asked with curiosity.

"Of course, I think that it's wrong. I even sent him flowers and chocolates but I do think it's a little bit dramatic to break up over a kiss ." You shrugged. It wasn't like you fully had sex with the guy, that's why you call it a half–cheat you were thankfully pulled apart by Tyler before it go into a full-on cheat. Your logic to others may hold some absurdity but to you, it made perfect sense.

"Besides this isn't our first time having a break." You added.

"Yeah but that break was due to the fact you thought he was cheating on you with his sister!"

"I didn't know who she was! It's not my fault he hadn't taken me to meet his family."

"Because they don't like you." Sam chimes in.

"Ouch." You say, even though you know it was true. His mom down to the damn family dog didn't like you. Naturally, you never let that bother you. His family wasn't the only people you've come across that didn't take a liking to you and most certainly wouldn't be the last. Would it be nice if you could actually get along with his family? Sure but It's also nice to just have a good dick in your life and someone to talk to, that was all you needed anyway. You're dating him not his family.

"Anyways that's enough talk about my love life." You didn't feel like getting ridiculed about your relationship, especially by two people who are too cowardly to be in one.

The loud mellow beats from a song traveled throughout the house. With the bass shaking the windowpanes threatening to burst at any given moment, though it wouldn't surprise you considering how old this house is. Amid the sounds of people laughing, yelling over the music, drunken whooping, doors opening and closing, and the occasional pop of a balloon. You and Cato were throwing down in a swarm of sweaty drunks. Red solo cups in both you and Cato's hands you didn't know how long you were dancing or where the hell Sam drifted off to, probably had to gather himself once he'd seen Cato taking off her jacket revealing her black leotard unveiling her slim figure. The costume is completely out of her comfort zone thanks to you who insists you both go as the cliché sexy bunny girls.

You didn't know how long you were dancing, but the air felt hot and tight, the fog machine certainly didn't help either mixed with the sweaty odor of dancing bodies. Fresh air is definitely needed. You took a sip from your cup and swayed to the beat of the song, while your dancing had relaxed Cato was full-on letting her wild-side show. The responsible and shy girl who never parties, now is having the time of her life shaking away the modesty she had prior. By the time she hit the dance floor, she was already on her second? or fourth cup. You didn't know, regardless she completely went against her statement about only having one drink. Nevertheless, you were relieved her Alessia Cara syndrome wasn't set in motion and that she was finally letting herself have fun and not hiding somewhere in the corner playing chess on her phone.

Tilting your head back you quickly drink the last bit of alcohol. Your glossy eyes drifted around the room hoping to find a hot guy to fill your empty void and take home. No one. Absolutely no one caught your eye. Looks like it'll be yet another lonely night as you wait for Cameron to take you back. With a deep sigh, you turn your attention back to Cato who looked as if fresh air was something she needs, tiny beads of sweat trailing down her temple and her hair slightly frizzed. You knew you probably didn't look any better, if not worse. As much as you love parties they get exhausting quickly.

"I'm sweating my tits off let's head out in the back." You shouted over the loud music.

Whether Cato heard you or not she still nods her head. Slightly uncoordinated and a little bit tipsy you proceeded to walk in the direction of the back of the house, ignoring the way your body brushed up against multiple sweaty bodies and obvious lustful stares from onlookers. It would be a whole different story if they were at least attractive. You reach the rear entrance which is located by the kitchen the glass knew it the frigid air hits your warm bare arms and legs. The wind felt brisk and smelt heavily of weed.

"Whew! I thought I was gonna die for a second." Cato pants as she chugs a bottle of water you didn't notice she took.

"No kidding." You said shaking your head as you took in the scenery in front of you.

Unlike inside, the outside wasn't decorated and didn't have that many people standing around. Outside furniture was occupied by multiple people. Looking around you notice there are two main areas on the patio everyone is hanging around one by the firepit which resembles a snooze fest you barely took a glance, the other area, however, grabbed your attention it's the area Sam is at so, of course, it would be the loud, full of life and obnoxious. Multiple people stood around the pong table rotating the small burning herb to each other as Nick and Sam's team go back in forth.

"Joe's here!?" Cato says right before you were about to make your way over to Sam's side.

"What?" You asked not knowing who she was referring to, Joes are few and far between in your life, such as your uncle, a creepy gas station clerk to whom you gave a fake number, and the quiet boy from second grade who sat next to you during class.

You didn't recognize this Joe though.

Cato's finger points in the opposite direction of a guy with neck-length hair sitting down on the mini sofa looking very disinterested and ready to go home. He took more interest in fiddling with his fingers than anything. The longer you stared at the more you realize how cute he is.

She turns her head and squints her eyes at you. "Joe from my study group, the one I told you that'll help you with your Physics? You were to meet him at the library last week."

Ohhh, right. That Joe. Although she assigned him to you as a tutor, you've never actually met him, only hearing about his extreme isolated ways and brilliance in science from Cato.

"Please me tell you went and didn't bail on him?" She expressed that when she noticed the look on your face.

"What? Pfft, no I would never!" You exclaim waving her off.

"Well, let's go say hi. He looks miserable. I'm sure he'd like to see some familiar faces." Cato said.

You scanned the area and noticed he was the only one sitting there in his little world. Only an empty bottle of Kirkland purified water sat on his lap and kept him company.

Oh no...

Without giving you a chance to protest and give her a bullshit excuse she drags you along in the direction of Joe. Shit, shit you deadpan because you did bail on the study date she arranged for you. To you, the proposition of going shopping seems way more fun than sitting in a library bored out of your mind while some know-it-all explains the properties of matter and energy. It was a pain in the ass in high school and even more so in college.

When you both approach you have a chance to get a really good look at him and wow is he extremely attractive? That was the only word you could think of to describe him. His dark blonde hair is long and creates a messy curtain bang that compliments his features well. Pink lips with a defined jawline you were sure models only dream of having. He looked unreal, too good to be true. This man is gorgeous and you can tell even though he's sitting that he's tall and has a nice body underneath the semi-baggy outfit.

You were not the type to feel timid, but when his enchanting blue eyes looked up at the two of you. It took everything in your power to not shy away.

"Never in a million years did I think I would see Joe Burrow at a party, let alone a Halloween one," Cato said, shocked while leaning down to give him a brief hug as you stood behind her side awkwardly.

You secretly prayed for him not to acknowledge you, the last thing you want is him bringing up your "study date".

Cato will kill you if she finds out you didn't make it. Ever since you barely graduated high school with her, she's made it her duty to be your personal academic advisor to help you throughout college. So far it has been a rough couple of months for you in terms of grades and you've concluded that education is about to come to an end for you.

Joe forces out a laugh like he's been caught doing something he shouldn't. "I could say the same to you. Ezekiel dragged me here."

"Ah I see, y/n did the same to me." Cato said turning his attention to you.

As soon as he made eye contact with you, he began to peer up at you. With a sense of wonder and concern?

Taking you by surprise, he asks, "How is your grandmother?"

What?

You furrowed your eyebrows looking confused before you responded. "Um?"

His cheeks flush a deeper red and his eyes downcast to his fingers which didn't stop fiddling in his lap. Jesus his hands were huge, and veiny. Although it was difficult, you were able to look away and focused what came out his mouth next.

"Well, apparently, you texted me last week letting me know you couldn't make it to the study date we had due to your grandma being ill. That's my bad if I pried too much, I was just concerned. You don't have to answer, that was stupid of me to ask." He begins to ramble and even stutter at one point.

There is a lot of opening and closing of your mouth while you are unable to find any words to say. It wasn't long before Cato's eyes were drawn over to you, and a sharp, glaring gaze immediately identified the problem.

You grimaced as you fiddle with the pink pearl necklace an item that was bought on your shopping spree. "Oh! Um, she's fine, alive... and well." You said with a smile.

Your memory of telling that lie is hazy at best.

As far as you know, your grandmother is in great health and is not even in the same country as you. Instead, she is enjoying retirement with her husband probably relaxing on the beach in Rio de Janeiro, certainly not cooped up in her house with severe hay fever.

You could feel Cato's heated stare and you didn't dare look at her instead you pretend to take an interest in the mini firepit as if it were the most interesting thing in the world right now.

"That's—uh good to hear." He stammers out quietly. His eyes were still trained on his fingers, you notice his right leg started to bounce up and down rapidly.

You feel a strange sensation creeping up on you like a dark cloud hovering over your head. You can't quite put your finger on it, but it feels like a mix of uneasiness and discomfort. It's been a while since you've felt this way, and you're not sure how to deal with it. You try to ignore it, but the feeling only grows stronger, until it's almost suffocating. You realize that what you're feeling is guilt and shame, two emotions that you thought you had left behind a long time ago. You've always considered yourself to be someone who lives life without regrets or faults, but now you can't deny the fact that you've done something that you're not proud of. The weight of your actions is heavy on your chest, and you don't know how to make it go away. You take a deep breath and try to face the guilt head-on, knowing that the only way to move forward is to acknowledge your mistakes and learn from them.

Right off the bat, you knew Joe lacked a lot of social skills and was not the type to be outspoken which is why he didn't question you further. He didn't seem like the kind of guy to be presumptuous in any way. And that made you feel even worse. You met this man less than two minutes and he's already waking up emotions within you.

Clearing your throat you straightened your posture as if you weren't fazed in the slightest. Though you felt like the worst person on the planet. "Well, Jeff—"

You were cut off by Cato swatting your arm. Looking at her in utter confusion as to what did you say wrong. She hissed out, "It's Joe"

Instead of giving you an offended look, he chewed the inside of his lip looking everywhere but at you. He didn't even bother correcting you. Judging by his demeanor you can tell he's feeling extremely awkward.

"Joe, do you mind if I take a seat right here?" You gave him another strained smile, pointing to the small space next to him.

He nods his head and watches you plop down with a sigh of relief. Your heels have been slowly killing you for the past few minutes, and you were on the verge of taking them off at any moment. However, even if you were wearing stockings, you would be too afraid to let your feet touch the filthy ground, no matter how protected they were.

Because of Joe's large frame taking up most of the space and your side being pressed against his, you could feel his body tense as he awkwardly folded his arms in his lap in an attempt to avoid any contact, like that seems to be his goal. And maybe it is considering the fact you'd just acknowledged him by the wrong name and to top it off you failed to show up last week.

You're almost certain he doesn't like you very much at the moment.

Maybe you can change that...

Just as you were about to say something to Joe, Cato beats you to the punch. "So, how long have you been hanging out here?"

"Um—" Joe pauses to take a deep sigh, his mouth twists as he thinks over his answer. "For about ten minutes or so, it's more tolerable out here than in there."

"That's true." She nods in agreement. "Have you had anything to drink?" Cato speaks again with a smile, but you could still see the irritation behind it not aimed at Joe but toward you. And you knew what it stemmed from.

"Of Alcohol? No—"

"No? That is horrible! We'll fetch one for you." She rushes out of her seat, which was across from you and Joe, before you can react she grabs your forearm, yanking you from your seat as you sputter out in surprise and confusion.

"I'm good you don't have to—" Joe spoke up but Cato was already headed towards the door that leads back inside the house. You passed Sam who looks confused watching Cato drag you back into the house.

Within seconds of entering the kitchen, she pulls you to a corner where fewer people are gathered and stares at you with a glare.

"Ow, what was all that for ?" You whined rubbing your arm.

"You are such a liar! Where do you get off??" She exclaims. You open your mouth to answer but she put her hand up to stop you. "That was rhetorical."

"I'm guessing this is about the tutor date?" The question came out more as a statement than anything.

"You think!? I was under the impression you were going to put in some effort." She sighs deeply with a sense of disappointment in her eyes. You felt like you were standing in front of your mother instead of your best friend. "Is there any way you can justify, with truth for disregarding his time to help you?"

Actually yes, you would not be standing here looking hot as you are if it wasn't for the shopping spree you did. However, you had a feeling she wasn't going to like that answer so instead you gave her the answer she wants to hear.

"Would you calm down? I'll just reschedule."

You were planning to do that anyway since your Physics grade was declining rapidly. Your professor's angry emails keep reminding you.

Cato laughs half-heartedly. "I wish you luck with that, Joe keeps to himself and does not tutor anyone. I had to give up my LEGO creator space shuttle explorer for him to agree to tutor you, now that was for nothing."

Her LEGO what?

"I'm sure he'll take pity on my grandmother and give me another shot." You said with a sly smile.

"You think he actually bought that?"

You never cared enough to see if others believed your excuses in the past, so it was difficult to tell. However, you care now, especially since you feel extremely guilty about the entire situation.

"Dunno, if he did or didn't I'm still gonna ask him."

Cato looks at you for a few seconds before sighing. "Why not just find another tutor?"

"Because It's unlikely I'll find one who looks like that." You weren't going to sugarcoat the reason for wanting him to be your tutor, his looks play a major part. The shopping spree would have been a no-go if you had known how hot he looked before you canceled out on him.

"Jesus, you are something different." She snorts as she grabs a can of beer.

"I take that as a compliment" You smile brightly.

"Well, if he agrees promise you'll take it seriously this time?"

"Come hell or high water, I'll be there." You responded quickly, ready to go back outside and accompany Joe again.

If he could change one thing tonight it will be texting Ezekiel earlier out of boredom. Joe thought maybe they'll end up playing super smash bros or catching a few sports games on TV. Instead, he had unintentionally allowed his roommate to coax him into going to a party he had zero interest in. Joe lives and breathes to stay in his own space so the idea of being surrounded by sweaty bodies, booze, and a bunch of horny people looking for someone to spend their night with has never sparked his interest. As soon as he enters the doorway he automatically wanted to turn back and spend his night copped inside his apartment, that's how he spends most of his nights anyway: tucked away from the world while entertaining himself with reruns of Animal Planet.

Now he's surrounded by the aroma of sweat from different bodies and loud music that will surely have his ears ringing once he leaves this place. God he hates these types of parties, and to make matters worse it's on Halloween his least favorite holiday.

He felt like the odd man out standing in the dusty corner of the keeping room that is adjacent to the kitchen taking tiny sips of water because he didn't want to rush the drink fearing he'll get thirsty soon after, then he'll have to re-collect his strength to navigate through the rowdy crowd to get another. There are a lot of people and almost all of them are drunk off their asses including Ezekiel who is grinding sloppily between two girls with devil horns.

As out of touch as he is with the scene in front of him, he couldn't knock anyone for having fun. And is glad his roommate is enjoying himself for the most part. No matter how ridiculous Ezekiel looked in his fireman costume which was just an opportunity to show off his abs in hopes to attract the attention of girls. One of the many things Joe does know is that Ezekiel is a fuckboy through and through. He drinks, smoke, party, and fuck around with nearly every girl on campus it's enough to make Giacomo Casanova appear like a gallant virgin. It's no surprise he found his remedy within minutes of arriving, whereas Joe is still struggling. Not that he's trying anyway. He doubts he'll find anything enjoyable at this party.

Joe sighed as he surveyed the crowd for the millionth time. He looked for the usual drunkenness, obnoxious yelling, and horny dancing of college students. He sees people in all kinds of costumes. There were witches and ghosts, superheroes and villains, and even a few monsters. The music is loud and unbearable, and everyone seems to be having a good time. A part of him wonders sometimes if he is wasting his life by being alienated since he was not tempted by indulging in that lifestyle. Having been that way since he was in high school, he occasionally felt sorry for his parents for having to deal with his reclusive behavior, however, he soon realized there are worse things he could do or be. In his view, being introverted never hurt anyone.

That's when he saw her. Suddenly it seems like there is no end to the misery inflicted upon him tonight.

Across the room, dressed in a revealing cat costume that shows off her curves, is Brooke Earle his oh-so-loving ex-girlfriend whom he'd only dated for six months. She was surrounded by a group of guys, laughing and visibly flirting with them. Joe felt a pang of familiarity and distress. He remembered how she used to flirt with other guys when they were together, and how she would always make him feel like he wasn't good enough for her. He remembers how she would get mad over the smallest things, and how she would blame him for everything that went wrong with their relationship. The air suddenly felt thick and his stomach churned at the sight of her.

He'd broken up with her a few months ago but still felt like he was under a spell. He was afraid that if he ever saw her again he'd be drawn back into her toxic world. She looks beautiful with her long blonde curls and tight catsuit, but he knew her beauty was only skin-deep.

Joe felt a wave of anxiety wash over him. He didn't want to be in the same room as her, let alone give her an opportunity to talk to him. Without a second thought, he turn to make himself blend in with the crowd but it was useless considering he stuck out like a sore thumb since he was towering over nearly everyone in the room and is the only one not wearing a costume.

Then he heard her call his name.

"Wow I must be dreaming, I didn't know you were coming tonight!" Brooke says walking over to him with a smile. "You look nervous?"

Joe could feel his face turning red and his palms began to sweat as he looks down at the ground. He doesn't know what to say to her, they weren't even close to friends. He didn't want to be rude, but he also didn't want to engage with her either.

"I,uh, you look great I wasn't expecting you to be here." He mumbles. If he did he would've stayed put in his apartment.

She laughs a sound that's equivalent to nails on a chalkboard. "You weren't expecting me? I wasn't expecting you," she said. " Well, I'm glad I finally ran into you, we should catch up sometime."

That's the last thing he'd want. Even though they attended the same college, he had avoided her at all costs since their breakup. It was easy for him to do so because he rarely goes out anyway.

He felt like he was suffocating as he shook his head. "No, I don't think that's a good idea," he said. "You are not going to wield yourself in my life again."

She looked taken back as if that was the last thing she'd expect him to say. "What? Why not?" she asked.

He took a deep breath trying to find the right words to explain. "I just don't think you're healthy for me to be around," he said. " you're not someone I want to be my girlfriend let alone someone who I can catch up with."

Brooke looked stunned and a bit hurt. But he knew he had to be honest with her. No more walking on eggshells.

He didn't let her utter another word before making his way toward the patio door. Ezekiel gave him a questionable look, worried about his friend's abrupt exit. However, he reassured him with a simple shake of his head to let him know everything was fine even though it was not.

As soon as he stepped outside, he let out a huge sigh of relief. He was finally able to breathe in some fresh air and escape the toxic presence of his ex.

Joe felt a mix of emotions as he drags his feet to the other side of the patio and sat down on the surprisingly clean outside sofa, ignoring the loud whoops and cheering by the small crowd that gathered around the beer pong table. He tried to shake the feeling of seeing her again but she had a hold on him. One that is negative. It was the last thing he wanted to do to himself again.

Untwisting the cap on his water bottle and taking the last swig. His stomach still felt fluttered and on edge hoping she doesn't decide to follow him outside.

As he sat on the patio, the flickering flames of the small firepit cast an orange glow across his face. He began to stare into the fire, lost in thought as the unpleasant memories his ex he desperately tried to keep away began to flood his brain. All those troublesome arguments she'd purposely try to start just so she can have an excuse to walk out and cheat left a nasty taste in his mouth. He thought about all the hurtful things she had said to him by now he knew she shouldn't faze him but it was hard to let go of the memories of someone who'd been such a big part of his life.

As the fire crackled and popped along with the loud chatter coming from the other side of the patio, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to find the strength to not just say screw this party and leave Ezekiel to walk thirty-five miles home.

Suddenly he hears the sound of high heels clicking in his direction he looks up to see his friend from work-study, Cato, walking toward him with you in tow. He felt his heart skip a beat once his eyes landed on you, standing there dressed in a pink bunny costume. You look beautiful and vibrant. Joe feels embarrassed to admit that he's developed a small crush on you which is why he agreed to Cato's arrangement with the study date, if it were anyone else he wouldn't have done it.

But that backfired badly when you didn't show up.

He remembers walking out of the library feeling disappointed. He looked forward to that study date all week long. It was going to allow him to finally have a conversation with you and show you how smart he is. He'd waited there for hours until he got the text from you about your grandmother being sick which he believed until he inquired about her well-being to you.

The look on your face told him all he needed to know. Your face was tense, your eyes were darting around, and you seemed to be avoiding his gaze.

At first, he didn't know what to make of it. Had what he said upset you? Did your grandmother's health gotten worse?

Then you spoke, and he realized what was going on. You had lied to him. You made up an excuse for not showing up and now you're standing there underneath Cato's heated stare. Which tells him she didn't know about the lie you told.

He felt a mix of emotions. On one hand, he was somewhat hurt that you told him a terrible lie because he was truly concerned. Furthermore, he felt more awkward and embarrassed when, seconds later, you called him by the wrong name, which made him wonder if you were paying any attention to him at all.

Joe looked over to Cato who made small conversations while ultimately still glaring at you. He just sat there, feeling uncomfortable and flustered due to the fact you were sitting next to him and the aroma of your sweet perfume enchanting his senses. Before he knew it Cato was rushing to get him a drink he tried to decline the offer but it went in one ear and out the other. She urges you to follow her into the house as he sat there by himself once again unsure what to do next.

As he sat there waiting for your return, he watched the frat guys on the other side of the patio play beer pong. They were loud and obnoxious, shouting, and high-fiving each other after every shot. He felt a twinge of familiarity when he recognized one of the guys, Sam Hubbard. Ezekiel brought him around a few times and they'd only had a handful of conversations. Even though he wasn't used to talking with guys like Sam (excluding Ezekiel) who was outgoing, boisterous, and a bit of an airhead. There was still something about him to Joe that made him feel at ease. He seemed genuinely friendly and curious.

He was about to pull out his phone busy himself with playing a chess tournament when he heard someone call out his name.

"Joe! What's up, man?" It was Sam, walking from across the patio in his direction.

"Hey, Sam," He greets back standing up from his seat to give him dap.

"Dude it's been a while since I've seen you! What brings you to this party? You don't strike me as a party guy."

Joe shrugs. "Ezekiel wanted me to check it out, I don't know anyone here besides him and Cato."

He didn't bother to mention Rebecca it's best if she's kept locked out away in the past.

"Well, you know me!" Sam said, clapping him on the back before leaning closer to his ear. " Say, uh, are you and Cato like a thing? I saw you guys hug or whatever.. not that I'm a stalker—"

Sam continues to ramble until Joe stops him.

"Cato and I aren't together, we just know each other from a study group," Joe assures him so that he be free of Sam's beer breath wandering in his face.

"Oh! Really, man? That's great!" He throws an around Joe's shoulder excitedly. "Me and the boys were going to play truth or dare wanna play?"

Truth or Dare? He hadn't played that games since he was in elementary. It wasn't his favorite either, he hated being put on the spot in front of strangers.

He went to open his mouth to decline when he sees you walk back out onto the patio with Cato.

"What are you guys up to?" You ask observing the scene as you walk over to the two men.

"Joe just agreed to play truth or dare with the boys and me, you girls want in?"

You took a glance at Joe who was already looking at you and judging by his expression it didn't look like he got a chance to have a say in the matter.

"Only if other girls are playing too," Cato said crossing her arms, not wanting to play Truth or Dare with a group of just men. And honestly, you don't blame her.

"Of course! Yeah, hell yeah. Troy got his girl, Danielle. Ashley—" He pauses looking up to think of some more people. "Oh! And Alix from Cheer."

"Well, I'm in!" You beam. Not wanting to turn down any potential entertainment and playing those types of games brings out the best.

"Cool, I'm gonna gather up the rest and bring the bottles out." Sam grins patting Joe on the back before scurrying off.

Soon after, everyone crowded around on the patio. Forming a circle around the firepit. You took your previous spot next to Joe whose leg started to bounce up and down, you took pity on the guy because unlike before he was surrounded by a group of drunken party-goers something he was most likely trying to stay away from inside.

"Okay, here are the rules: You can either choose to take a dare or take a shot." Sam holds up a bottle of Patron Silver Tequila.

You frown in disappointment. "I thought we were playing Truth or Dare. Do you have to bring alcohol into everything?"

"It makes it more fun if you don't like it, don't play," Nick spoke up with irritation

"I'm just speaking for the people who don't drink, dickhead."

And by people you mean Joe, the drink Cato had given him is still full. You'd only seen him take a small sip which was out of appreciation. Seeing that gave you a conclusion he wasn't much of a drinker.

"Well, we know you're not one of those people. Little Miss "Alcoholic." Nick spoke.

"Really? That's all you got? I've been called worse by better." You said while flipping him off.

A few people chuckled, including Joe. Your stomach did a flip at the sound of laughter coming from him.

"Watch it now." A redhead spoke who is propped on Nick's lap.

"And what's gonna happen if she doesn't?" Cato raises her eyebrows at the girl. Tension began to arose as everyone look between you and Cato and the redhead with expectancy.

Sam clears his throat." Alright guys, let's start!"

The game starts with Sam daring Troy to give Danielle a lap dance which left everyone looking at the scene with amusement because Troy couldn't dance if his life depended on it. The game continues, with dares getting more and more ridiculous. On Cato's turn, she surprisingly picked "Dare", which turned out to be a harmless one. She had to call a nearby 7-Eleven and ask if they were open. So far no one has picked Joe and you could tell he was feeling at ease. Until it was Sam's turn again.

"Joe, it's your turn my man, Dare or Drink?" He grins face flustered from liquor.

Joe hesitated for a moment, not sure what to do. He's never played this kind of game before and he didn't want to look like a party pooper in front of you .

But then, he made his decision. "Dare," he said, trying to sound confident thinking he'll get an easy one like Cato.

However, by seeing Sam's growing smirk, he knew that wasn't going to be the case.

"Alright then, I dare you to ask any girl at this party to play Seven Minutes in Heaven with you."

Joe felt his heart sank. That's the last thing he wanted to do but he knew he had to follow up with the dare. He hesitated he didn't want to pick anyone he didn't know and be stuck in a closet with someone he didn't like.

Of course, he had you on his mind, but he doubts you'll agree—

"I'll play with you," You spoke up, with a smile while looking at him. "If that's okay?"

He felt his heart skip a beat. You looked at him with such anticipation. Not trusting his voice he nods his head in agreement. The rest of the guys excluding Nick hollers and whistles as you stood up holding out your hand for him to take which he does. He ignores the tingles he felt as his hand engulfs yours. Taking note of how soft and delicate they feel.

Sam led you both into the house to the upstairs closet. On the journey there you kept a firm grip on his hand, and as you weave through the crowds of people Joe caught the attention of Ezekiel who was still sandwiched between the two girls. "That's my boy! Go ahead and getcha some!" He yells out excitedly.

Joe felt his cheeks fluster, he doesn't know what to expect since he's never played the game seven minutes in Heaven but he knew it wasn't going to be any of that. By the sound of it just means that you two would be locked in a closet for seven minutes what could you two possibly do in such a small duration of time?

"Joe! Joe!" Brooke suddenly appears." Where are you going?" she asks him while giving you a sharp look. To which you reciprocated by looking at her unfazed.

He ignores her and motion you to keep walking. While Brooke looks on in anger and jealousy. Even though he didn't care whether she feels those types of emotions or not, a part of him felt good that she was seeing him with you. Maybe that'll show her once and for all she is not the girl he's chasing after anymore.

"Okay here we are you two have fun, remember seven minutes!" Sam cheesed as the three of you stop in front of an old closet at the end of the hall.

He ushers you two in and just as he was about to close it, your hand shot out to stop it. "Look after Cato don't let any weirdos near her. "

"You got it." He said with a salute before shutting the door leaving you and Joe In the cramped space. The only thing that accompany you two was the dusty light bulb above which only provided dim lighting.

It was tight and dingy in the small closet. You didn't care though, you were too busy staring at Joe as he towers over you, his entire physique is large. His breathing is soft and you can feel his body close to yours. There was a long moment of silence before you decided to try and break the ice.

"So," You clear your throat, rocking back on your heels. "You don't like parties."

Joe chuckles softly feeling his nerves ease up a bit. "Was that meant to be a question?"

"Just an observation." You responded trying to look anywhere but at him which was quite impossible since he was the only thing in your view due to his height.

"Well, your observation is correct." He sighs feeling himself relax. " I'm more of a....loner if that's what you want to call it. So these types of events aren't really on my radar."

"What is on your radar?"

"Being occupied with school and football." He says.

That piqued your interest Sam's always trying to get you to attend the school's football games. "You play football?."

"Well sometimes, I'm the third-string quarterback." Joe looks rather embarrassed to say as of you'll make fun of him, but you were just left confused. Much like any sports-related talk would have you.

"I'm sure you're great!" You beam a smile at him showing off your pearly whites.

"Thanks." He says with a smile.

You stood there in thought about your earlier introduction. Mentally cringing at how stupid you must've looked by not remembering your lie and how you addressed him by the wrong name.

"Hey, um, about the tutoring thing. I'm sorry." You said.

"Sorry about canceling out on me? Or the fact you gave me a horrible lie about your grandmother?" Joe said with amusement as he crossed his arms leaning on the door.

Damn, Cato was right he didn't buy it. You thought.

You let out a defeated sigh. "Both,"

He stares at you for a second squinting his eyes in thought. "What did you do that day anyways?"

"I made plans to go shopping. " You mumble looking down at your heels, expecting him to scoff or sigh in disappointment. The reaction you were used to by many.

"And you didn't think I'd want to go? I'm a bit hurt." He places a hand over his heart.

Your eyes light up as you looked up at him. "What?"

"Yeah," he shrugs pushing himself off the door. "You look like you know a thing or two about fashion and I desperately need some pointers."

"I can't tell if this is sarcasm or not. " You said slowly still eyeing him.

He threw his hands up in surrender. "No sarcasm. Just want to give you a heads up come the next tutor date if you so happen to have the urge to go shopping again just let me know, and I'll be happy to join you."

"Next.... tutor date?" You tilted your head in awe you were almost certain he wouldn't be so willing to ever offer you any help again.

Joe chewed the inside of his cheek before saying. "You don't have to come—"

"No! I want to! It's just..."You trailed off trying to find the right words. "I wasn't expecting that."

"How come?"

You shrugged. "Figured you'd hate enough to not tutor me."

"I'll admit... I was a little hurt. But it wasn't enough to make me hate you, trust me on that." He says the last part quietly while his eyes lock directly on yours.

There was an air of infatuation in his eyes as he looked at you with a shy smile. You didn't miss the glimmer of interest in his expression.

A moment of silence fell in the small closet the only sound that could be heard is the thumping bass from the music downstairs. The proximity between you and Joe is so close when you look up at him for the millionth time you notice a small piece of cobweb in his hair. More likely due to the fact his head directly touches the ceiling.

"You have something in your hair." You stated.

He blushes. "Oh, thanks for letting me know"

"Here, let me get it for you." You gently remove the cobweb from his hair.

"Thanks." He says.

Taking him by surprise you stepped closer to him, your chest pressed against his. You hear his breath hitch by your movement and see his Adam's apple bob up and down when he swallows thickly. "Your hair is very pretty." You breathe out reaching up to swirl one of your manicured fingers through his hair.

Joe blinks at you, not finding the strength to formulate any words he could feel his face heats up bashfully.

"You're very pretty too." He mumbles so low you almost didn't catch it.

You open your mouth with only the tip of your tongue showing. With sparkling eyes, you decide to test the waters a bit when you lean closer to him as if you're telling him a secret. "Wanna make out?"

"What?!" Joe sputters out, with wide eyes.

"Do you want to make out with me?" You repeated slowly to give him more time to comprehend every word.

"Um—" Joe begins to say before pausing he didn't know how to respond.

"It's fine if you don't want to, no pressure." You shrug as if wouldn't faze you if he agrees or not. But deep down you eagerly wanted to release some of the sexual frustration that's been pent up for weeks without Tyler and Joe seems like the perfect candidate.

Joe shuffles his feet. "You want to make out in here?"

"That's kinda the main point of this game." You giggle, watching him pinch his lips." You never played Seven Minutes in Heaven?"

"No, I thought we were just going to talk." He chuckles nervously his eyes crinkled at the corners. Your mouth opened to assure him that you both can simply talk if that is what he feels comfortable with. Before you can let out another word he speaks again. "But I do want to kiss you if that's okay?"

"Go for it." You tell him, subtly running your tongue over your bottom lip and tasting the pink strawberry lip gloss you applied earlier.

Joe's hands fidget nervously by his sides, and his eyes keep flickering to your puffy lips. You can tell he's nervous, but it's kind of endearing. You almost started to wonder if he's ever kissed anyone before. Gradually, he leans in closer, his breath hot on your nose and cheeks. You can feel his heart racing, and it makes your pulse quicken. His perfect proportion lips glisten after his tongue swipes over them when your arm reaches up to curl the back of his head pulling him down to your height. It was a little awkward with Joe having to crane his neck downwards. As your lips meet, you were met with the softness of his lips, it wasn't shocking in any way since you knew just by gazing at them you were going to feel satisfied.

The kiss only lasted a few seconds with you being the one who pulled away. You notice his hands were awkwardly by his side as if he didn't know what to do with them. A breathless chuckle left your lips at his tense posture.

"What's funny?" He asks looking down at you with a worried look.

"You just need to relax." You say, reassuring, with a smile. You took your thumb to wipe away the pink gloss you left on his lip before slowly trailing both hands down his long arms to grasp his hands which feel a little clammy. Without breaking eye contact you guide his hands toward your lower waist. "Is this okay?"

Joe finds himself completely lost in your grasp, unable to ignore his hand placement. This was more than okay, there's a certain look in his eye that says, "I want more," and you suddenly realize Joe is a bit different than the shy, quiet-spoken guy you met an hour ago. His hands travel down further until both rest on your backside a surprised gasp left you when he yanks you more into him before attaching his lips to yours. This time his kiss held more confidence, and your lips worked together perfectly, he clearly knew what he was doing this go around and you loved it.

The large fingers of his hand splay over your plush cheeks that protrude from your leotard as he gives it a firm pinch, which makes you gasp again in shock, he takes this opportunity to slide his tongue between your lips and gently massage it as he does so. He begins to turn you both around. Resulting in your back coming in contact with the door. There Joe becomes more feral, his tongue prodded between your parted lips, teeth biting on your lips firmly. It was dizzying mostly because it's been a minute since you've had some air so you broke away. He didn't mind it though because he began to continue his kiss on your cheek down to your neck.

He's truly taking you by surprise, when you walked into this you thought it'll be you who take control. However, right now Joe is showing absolutely no restraint. And you love it. You can tell he's a man who appears reserved, but there is something lurking beneath the surface, a wildness you feel but not quite make out. A primal desire you know is there.

"You have no idea how long I've been wanting to do this with you." He said in between kisses on the slope of your shoulder and neck.

"Really?" A breathless moan escapes from you, wondering how the hell was that possible when tonight was the first time you guys had a proper introduction to each other.

He must follow you on Instagram. You got quite a following on there plus that's where most guys see you at anyway along with parties which you knew most likely he don't attend.

"Mm-hm," He hums as his hands settle on the curve of your backside, inhaling sharply when your hips rub against the hardness that pokes through his jeans.

It wasn't until he lifted one of your legs to curve around the waist that you realized the problem he had, too caught up in the feel of his lips biting and sucking on your neck. You giggle at the tickling sensation as he continued to hold your leg around him snugly.

He mumbles something incoherent due to the fact his face is nuzzled at your neck, then he lifted your other leg up so now both your legs are wrapped around his waist. A squeal left you at being suddenly lifted off the ground, it didn't take long for a blush to bloom and spreads throughout your entire body as he holds your more firmly. His arms are so strong and his mouth is back pressed on yours. While his hands cup your backside holding you against the door.

Your arms were clinging around his shoulders as he nibbles on your bottom lip softly biting into it before running his tongue over it.

An intense thrill runs through your body as a result of the sensation. As his heart races, so does yours, and you both feel it. It's such pure and absolute bliss that you can almost forget that there's a whole world out there. You just want to stay in this moment forever. As you cling to each other, locked in an embrace and lost in this moment, you feel completely and utterly connected. You've never experienced this feeling before not even with Tyler.

You don't know how long this make-out session was and you're pretty sure it was well over seven minutes. You weren't complaining though because you were just about to give this man something he wouldn't forget. Just as you were about untangle your legs from his waist a loud knock made you both jump.

He pulls back, his breath heavy, and his hands holding you gently. You dropped down to your feet just as the door swing open revealing Sam and Cato along with everyone else who was on the deck excluding Nick looking at you two with amusement.

"Had fun?" Sam grins, his eyes dancing back and forth between you and Joe.

You smile and chuckle at his question. "That's an understatement." you reply feeling a chill on your neck due to the wetness Joe's mouth left. As you stepped out the closet Cato looks at you with a "tell me everything" look.

"Give me all the details when we get to the car." Cato said quietly to you pulling you toward the stairs.

Turning your head to look at Joe you weren't surprise to see him standing there with a deep redness on his cheeks while his lips were coated with your lip gloss as the guys crowd around him letting out loud whistles and whoops. His eyes connect with your as you walk away, you called out

"I look forward to our next tutor date."

Joe's mind is racing as you disappear. But a smile spreads across his face, as you just confirmed everything he had just hoped.

Taglist: @blu3jeanbaby @tigertales9 @wickedfun9 @joeburreauxsworld @cherry2stems @luvjoe9 @maricciardo @lonelywiththestars @clumsyjoeb @certifiedlesbianbaddie @idyllicbarb @balanceingrace

[soleilnomoon]

could i also order a mocha latte with a chocolate (carmel) mousse with some poppy seeds! he/him ftm with eren pls💖

૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა ty for your patience, this was a lil labor of love. also i love a good fake dating trope!! and eren, i love him sfm (obvy but yk) 💗💗it's probably more angst than necessary but that's just how i live my life.

2.8k words, ftm reader (he/him pronouns), nsfw, 18+ mdni; hurt/comfort, angst~, smut obvy, some fluff if you squint real hard; modern au feat. fake dating/marriage of convenience, arranged marriage, eren living in denial bc that's what he does best, fingering, a lil bit of tlc on eren's part (shocker), mutual (unrequited) pining. reader is better than me bc i'd never have that much restraint but that's just bc i'm weak (⸝⸝ᵕᴗᵕ⸝⸝); both of them need to get it together *washes hands* (if u see spelling/grammar mistakes, no u didn't (⸝⸝ᵕᴗᵕ⸝⸝))

“i pray you do not fall in love with me, for i am falser than vows made in wine.” — william shakespeare

HORS D’OEUVRE

you remind yourself, for the twentieth time this week, that it’s simply business.

as your parents’ only child, it only made sense that they’d try to marry you off to the highest bidder — the business world is all about making meaningful connections, and you know that better than most. marriage was never something that you envisioned for yourself, but your parents rarely ever demanded anything from you, so the least you could do was adhere to their wishes.

and if you knew your husband-to-be would be this standoffish and hard to read, you might not have agreed — it’s a lie that you like to tell yourself, because it makes it easier to deal with his constant rejection. still, you did sign a contract — one he drafted outside of his parents’ prying eyes, one that he had you sign secretly; that you both agreed to one full year of marriage for appearances, that you refrain from interfering with one another’s private lives, and that you’d never fall in love.

you didn’t think much of it at the time, because there was no way in hell that you would fall in love with a man like eren jaeger. not when he looked at you like you were a nuisance that he was forced to deal with; not when he was so stiff and curt with you whenever you tried to drum up conversation; not when he barely sat for meals with you; and not when he refused to share a bedroom with you after you moved in together.

still, you hold your head up high, determined to see things through; the sooner this sham of a marriage was over, the better.

and eren was of the same mindset.

he argued with his parents until he was so fed up that he had to leave for a few days to calm down; an arranged marriage was always in his future, he just didn’t think it’d happen so soon. maybe it’s because his parents were tired of seeing him galivant with a different partner each week — maybe because the image of their company desperately needed a more family-oriented look (to draw in the masses, of course).

or maybe they wanted to punish him for being impulsive and hard-headed, for not wanting to take the path that was neatly laid out for him, and for simply rejecting the last twenty marriage candidates they presented to him over the past few years.

so, imagine their surprise when eren agreed to marry you — someone who kept to themselves, who didn’t cause trouble for their family, who seemingly looked obedient to the point that it made him sick. he figured the best way for him to live his life would be to use you as a cover up; you didn’t look like the type to complain, nor did you look particularly interested in getting married either.

it was the perfect solution to his problem, and it didn’t hurt that he found you attractive, too. not that he was going to tell you that just yet.

APPETIZER

despite how terrible his personality is, you can’t deny that your husband is handsome. you catch yourself staring at his profile while you wash dishes in the kitchen, eyes lingering on the shape of his jaw as you scrub the same plate over and over. he’s on the phone again, arguing with one of his friends — jean, maybe? — so you’re safe to admire him from afar, like you’ve always done. you try not to do it too openly because he tends to act smug when his ego is stroked, and you don’t have the capacity to deal with that just yet.

but also, more importantly, because you don’t ever want him to know that you’d give anything for him to come over and—

“i don’t care,” eren says loudly, his voice echoing from the adjacent hallway as he paces around. the noise startles you, so you turn to focus on the dishes before sneaking a glance at him again.

eren turns when he feels your eyes on him, and you don’t have a chance to look away fast enough. his eyes are a startling shade of green that matches his intense and audacious personality; you grip the wine glass in your hand a little too hard as he watches you. curiosity at your behavior makes him narrow his eyes and you assume he’s annoyed with you again. except, that’s not true at all.

he’s mostly annoyed with himself.

the marriage, in theory works just fine — he just did not consider the possibility of him developing feelings for you, not after being together for six months already. he finds every excuse to not touch you; barely looking your way in the mornings and evenings — the only time he even shows a modicum of interest is whenever you’re both whisked away to events that require both of you to be in attendance.

it’s out of duty that you comply, but you find it harder and harder as time goes on.

the first time eren kissed you was after you exchanged wedding vows — his lips were much softer than you thought they’d be, and while he’d only intended to give you a quick peck, he’d become entirely too immersed. you’d always found yourself disappointed with past partners because of the way they’d kissed, but eren truly made you feel like you would float for eternity. his hand was warm against the back of your neck, and you thought your heart would shoot out of your chest when his tongue brushed against your lips.

even though your lips parted immediately, eren remembered himself and refused to let himself get carried away. you were a little disappointed when he pulled away, but when you looked up at him you noticed the faint flush on his cheeks. you smiled to yourself, committing the sight to memory — which would become your anchor afterward — and genuinely enjoyed his presence throughout the rest of the evening.

where he was usually gruff and blasé, he’d suddenly become the perfect, loving groom. it unnerved and confused you; he was very adamant about keeping this as superficial as possible.

you wondered if it was part of the act? but if that was the case, why wouldn’t he mention before so you wouldn’t get so caught off guard. it made you skittish whenever his hand brushed against yours, whenever he offered you secret smiles and prolonged looks, and whenever he leaned down to whisper words of encouragement when it seemed like your anxiety over the whole affair was eating you alive.

it helped ground you but did nothing to stop your heart from beating rapidly when the realization set that you were married to him.

but by the time you got into the car to head back home, he sat as far away from you as possible, his posture stiff, expression unreadable. he’d gone from sociable and charming, to his usual petty self.

incredible.

“it’s just business,” he said out loud; you wanted to ask if those words were meant for you, or if they were meant for him. the question never leaves your mouth; you swallow back the rejection as best as you can, steel your features, stare out the window and remind yourself that falling in love with eren jaeger would be your downfall.

ENTRÉE / MAIN COURSE

after that, he makes it a point to only touch you out of necessity; he figures it’s the most logical and diplomatic solution to his problem. jean continues jabbering in his ear about nonsense, and he leans against the kitchen island, eyes tracing down the length of your neck and the slender shape of your shoulders. he really should take his conversation elsewhere, but he’s a masochist without meaning to be.

“uh huh,” he says noncommittally, a heat passing through him the moment you glance his way again — again, you’re doing that thing where you act as if you’ve been caught red-handed, like some doe-eyed deer in the middle of the night. and maybe you are, or maybe it’s all an act.

little does he know, you’re much too aware of his presence now, and your hand slips when you grab a plate and it shatters in the sink.

“damn it,” you say loudly and start to pick up the large pieces without thinking; you cut your hand and try to clean out the wound as best as you can. eren hangs up the phone in the middle of the conversation to make his way over to you; the scent of his cologne suffocates you in the best way, and when you turn and offer a small smile so you can rebuff his offer to help, you hesitate.

“let me see,” he demands, “don’t even think about arguing.” he casts you a sharp glass, one that tells you to behave, and for some reason, you find yourself wondering what would happen if you didn’t follow that command. but eren’s already grabbing onto your wrist and inspecting your palm carefully, long fingers gliding along your skin softly, making you a little dizzy. goosebumps prick your skin down your arms when he drags you to the bathroom so he can properly dress the wound.

you don’t know what to make of any of this; the questions pummel through your throat, bouncing around your mouth, desperate to escape. you never let them, though, and swallow them back with as much patience as you can muster.

“hop on the counter.” he lets go of your hand and rummages through the cabinet; surely, he’s joking, and you stand there stupidly, blinking at him, not moving an inch.

he grabs the first aid kit and narrows his eyes at you, the look he gives you is disarming and he steps close enough to place his hands on either side of you, gripping the counter tightly. “that wasn’t a request, you know.” your skin burns fiercely, and suddenly it’s hard to swallow; you do your best to hop on top of the counter in the minimal amount of space he allows you.

unfortunately for you, he does not let up. eren takes his time cleaning the wound properly before applying some ointment and wrapping it. he holds your hand much more delicately than you’re used to. you watch him, wide-eyed, breathing unevenly as you contemplate how to proceed with this man. for all the bullshit he puts you through, you know he’s lying to himself about his feelings towards you.

especially when he keeps looking at you tenderly, but also with slight annoyance — like he can’t figure out what to do with you yet. on impulse, he leans forward, lips brushing against yours and he knows that if he kisses you, there’s no turning back. you don’t make it any easier for him when you allow him to stand in between your legs, his hands gripping your hips and causing our mind to go blank.

you let out a soft noise, one that nearly incapacitates him; his cock strains at the front of his pants, making everything that much more difficult to deal with.

he knows he should leave, but he can’t — not yet, anyway. it’s eren who grabs the back of your neck and holds you steady as he kisses you, mouth moving against yours agonizingly slow, tongue gliding into your mouth with familiarity. the kiss leaves you both breathless, but it doesn’t stop him from kissing you again, nor does it stop you from helping him unzip and tug his pants and underwear down. his cock is smooth and heavy when you stroke it with your uninjured hand; the kisses transform into something feverish and frenetic, your skin warming significantly when you feel his hips jerk forward the faster your hand moves.

pre-cum slides down his tip, a welcomed sight in your book. you smile against his lips when his patience wears thin — he tugs on your clothes to strip you bare, and you do the same for him. you wrap our legs around him, hold him close to kiss him one more time — mind a muddled mess the moment his fingers enter you, scissoring around, pumping in and out lazily. you moan against his lips, hips rolling forward as your nails drag along his skin.

after plucking his fingers out of you, he rubs the head of his cock against your needy entrance, a shiver crawling through you at the sensation. you whine and fuss, telling him to hurry up.

he tsks quietly and shoots you a mischievous look, one that makes you nervous in a good way. there’s nothing soft or gentle about the way eren fucks you; but every time he does, it becomes much more intimate in its own way. you both knock things off of the counter, his cock sliding in and out of you, lips dragging along your throat, littering your skin with kisses and bite marks.

you clench around him desperately and he angles his hips to power into you faster and deeper. you moan his name so loud it only makes him want to fuck you harder; so he does. he’s not sure if it’s his heart or yours — or maybe both? — that beats loud enough to make him wonder if any of this is real. you’d say yes, if he ever had the courage to ask — but, as usual, his cowardice somehow wins out.

still, you can’t really complain; not when he keeps whispering in your ear, giving you the sort of praise that makes your toes curl. when you wrap your legs around him, hold him closer to you, he gives you short, brutal strokes, hips knocking into yours roughly.

it’s then that you really scream for him, and his lips find yours again as a lightheaded feeling takes over your entire body. you both cum simultaneously, a feat that surprises him; he rolls his hips lazily, cock sliding in and out of you for a little while longer until you both can’t take it. he doesn’t pull out right away and allows you to rest your forehead against his chest; a faint sheen of sweat coats your skin, but he holds onto you anyway.

when you place a soft, chaste kiss on the corner of his mouth, he realizes he’s in too deep. he pulls away suddenly and is already putting up his walls again.

with great difficulty, you climb down and reach for him, but he evades your touch and grabs his clothes so he can put them back on.

DESSERT

panic settles in your chest, the sinking realization that he’s going to run away from you again makes you clean up quickly so you can follow after him. he knows you won’t let this go, so he decides to cut to the chase. eren faces you and with a stern, severe expression, he says, “i can’t do this right now.” and he really can’t — or, rather, doesn’t want to.

to him, that’s the end of the discussion, but you’re so damn persistent — something that both was admirable and obnoxious to him — and stop him again.

“no,” you say firmly, which surprises him, “yes the fuck you can. we’re doing this right damn now.” you leave very little room for argument, so he relents; maybe if he lets you talk at him for a bit, you’ll drop this.

“what is it?”

your bravado slips but you still hold strong. “eren, we can’t keep…,” you trail off, lips pursed as you try to find the best way to say this, “i mean you can’t keep stringing me along like that.” you had feelings and a fragile heart, one that you willingly give to him over and over. his teeth sink into his bottom lip as he mulls over your words. “what are you so afraid of?”

he almost blurts out the truth, but instead balls his hands into fists at his side and attempts nonchalance again.

you won’t let up, though and poke at his chest with your finger. “i never pegged you for a coward,” you say harshly, which gives him pause. “i’m not going to have a half-assed relationship with you, i deserve more than that.”

he doesn’t speak for a long moment, the silence choking you, making you want to hide under your covers for the rest of the day; but then the strangest thing happens. resigned and wholly captivated by you, eren sighs and pulls you close to him. it’s an embrace that makes you question his motives, but his lips ghost along the curve of your ear and you can feel your heart pummeling against your rib cage. you will it to keep quiet, but it never slows. despite trying your best to remain calm and patient, you wish eren would hurry up and give you his answer, and before you can pester him about it again, his arms wrap around you and he whispers, “okay.”

[newtedison]

20 Questions For Fic Writers

thank you @crestfallercanyon for the tag! i think i might have done this one before but my answers have surely changed somewhat since then, so let's go!

How many works do you have on AO3? 19

What’s your total A03 word count? 349,364

What fandoms do you write for? the maze runner is the main one but i've also written three star trek fics, and one fucking chad/ryan fic from hsm2 LMAO

What are your top five fics by kudos? 5) all we do is drive. 4) Therapy Dogs and Comic Books: The Ficlets 3) 2 A.M. Phone Calls 2) you don't think dancing takes some game? 1) Therapy Dogs and Comic Books [shocker]

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? i reply to almost every comment i get. there was a period during the height of therapy dogs that i stopped bc i got overwhelmed but now every comment is like a gift so i try to be grateful.

What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? it's a tie between static space lovers and Kenopsia i think, and neither are so much angsty as they are open-ended. i feel like i haven't written a fic with an "angsty" ending

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Therapy Dogs and Comic Books: The Ficlets because it's literally me just going "and they lived happily ever after"

Do you get hate on your fic? no, i got one slightly negative comment once during therapy dogs but that's it

Do you write smut? only ever fade to black scenes, it's not my thing to read or write

Do you write crossovers? i haven't yet

Have you ever had a fic stolen? i hope not!

Have you ever had a fic translated? yes, Mathiiel translated 2 A.M. Phone Calls into French which was very sweet

Have you ever co-written a fic? no but i did used to write stories with my friend that have tragically been lost to time

What‘s your all-time favourite ship? i feel like it used to be newtmas and maybe nostalgia-wise it is but at this point i don't think i really have one standout ship

What’s the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? i would love to finish a brenderesa WIP i have but my visions of it are so grandiose. it was originally a multi-ship fic that i trimmed to be brenderesa but even once i did that i couldn't find a way to rework what i had already written, so it's just in limbo right now.

What’s your writing strengths? i genuinely don't know but i've been told that i do worldbuilding and dialogue well. i guess one thing i could say is that (in my more recent fics, not so much my early ones) i always try to make an active effort to have every character feel like a real person with their own world and not have the world seem centered around the main characters/ship. i think adding that level of realism adds to the story overall

What’s your writing weaknesses? honestly just. describing things which sounds crazy but it's true. both simple things like actions or transitions but also like. translating feelings to text.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? i can barely write in english bruv

First fandom you wrote for? i wrote fanfic for agents of shield that i submitted for an assignment once. icr if i changed the names or not

Favourite fic you’ve ever written? probably still all we do is drive just because it was such a consistent project of mine for so many years that i never truly gave up on and it was so satisfying to see it realized. i read it back sometimes and there are very little things i would change about it which doesn't happen often.

i'm answering this ask like a week late i think so i'm not going to tag anyone in the assumption that happened in my procrastionation

[madraleen]

Attack on Titan - Hajime Isayama Vol.32-33: The Torture Continues - A Commentary

-i like how we know these people so well and they know each other so well that they take cues from each other. like, if even mikasa wants to stop eren, then how can anyone else think otherwise, you know?

-FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT, FUCKING THANK YOU HANGE, "GENOCIDE IS WRONG" IT'S THAT SIMPLE SOMEONE SAID IT, THE REAL MVP AS ALWAYS. finally someone with common sense and resolve, someone not speaking in ifs and buts, finally, HANGE FINALLY!

-this is such a random group of allies i love it, it makes me smile

-i feel so safe with hange, a voice of logic, oh my god.

-listen, i'm not even joking, eren's VERY CONSPICUOUS ABSENCE makes me so much less emotionally unstable that i can actually enjoy these conversations, like i'm happy to be here again

-i'm sorry, i know it's a tense moment, but lmao at levi's zzz panel

-part of me thinks that if we just don't see eren again, if we just randomly hear that he was stopped, i'll be fine. it would be terrible storytelling ofc but it hurts so much seeing eren like that, seeing his face and have him say and do these things

-what the fuck are you talking about, jean? armin has been saying that everyone should talk it over with everyone a hundred times over.

-WHEN DID LEVI BECOME THE TENSION RELIEF IN THIS GODDAMN MANGA OH MY GOD 

-jean's 'i can't forgive you' to reiner while they're still allied for their goal, i love this.

-the panels of levi sleeping with the zzz i cannot

-no offense, is armin going to do any impressive thinking post-time skip or...

-it's nice how everyone apologizes to everyone (before rocks fall and everyone dies courtesy of eren, lol. lol?)

-armin and connie acting their little hearts out to the yeagerists, bless

-MISS KIYOMI GOING IN FOR THE KILL!

-aww seeing armor titan and female titan fight together

-this is the second time connie's saving armin's ass

-i am actually happy to be reading this now that eren isn't hurting us by showing his face. like, if you put aside for a sec WHY this is happening... it's very  exciting to see what comes next

-does sensei want to kill everyone here on the port, bc he's taken out the colossus titan, he's taken out humanity's strongest soldier...

-ooooh falco's jaw titan looks different than galliard's!

-i don't want y'all to fight anymore either, annie, and not with eren either, what are we gonna do :'(

-oh no. oh no is this eren pov? am i about to get unhinged again? oh no. go back to your conspicuous absence, devil child, why do you hurt me so. i miss you. but you make me suffer.

-the fuck? ZEKE tells EREN there's no ingrained behavior to the ackermans?! so then...

-i hate this. i understand that it's all to protect them, but i hate this, eren. baby they can't live happy lives. WHY DID YOU SHOW YOU FACE, I WAS DOING FINE, I WAS HAVING FUN, YOU'RE IMBALANCING MY HOMEOSTASIS

-eren's new form, huh. god this makes me so sad

-'but i just can't accept an end like that' lmao me reading this manga

-eren please THERE WAS ANOTHER WAY, THERE MUST HAVE BEEN, THERE MUST BE

-okay clearly i should stop hoping right here, there's no redemption from this. there's no redemption when we're shown innocent deaths at eren's will. okay. this is it then

-see, armin is a person also disappointed with the outside world that DIDN'T choose genocide, wow shocker, right eren?

-MIKASA'S FACE WHEN SHE SEES ANNIE WATCHING ARMIN

-levi i love you. stay safe

-what did mikasa want, armin to run after annie and kiss her or sth? mikasa you're projecting

-ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME IS FLOCH UNKILLABLE WHAT 

-like, in what universe did eren think the gang would NOT be in danger, that there wouldn’t be a good possibility that his own titans would trample his own people

-heh. armin the 15th commander :)

-OH SHUT UP "dedicate your heart" OH SHUT UP LEVI SHUT UP HANGE SHUT UP

-shine, my love. shine, hange. goodbye.

-"goodbye. hange. just watch us." who decided to give levi all the poignant lines, who. THEY HIT THE HARDEST BC IT'S LEVI!

-is there. is there an actual possibility that eren just... kills them all? surely not?

-NO! NO! AFTERLIFE SCENE?!?! I DID NOT EXPECT THIS FROM ATTACK ON TITAN, THANK YOU FOR THIS!!! ERWIN!! AND THEY'RE ALL WATCHING! THEY'RE ALL WATCHING!!

-a little quick it was, hange's death scene, but they did get the afterlife scene, so i won't dwell.

-oh! commander armin actually lets us in on the plan beforehand! that's unusual for stories! that probably means it'll all go to shit

-this is exactly what the founding titan looks like, but why does it look so funny in armin's drawing

-man, i want to give mikasa such a big hug. her face.

-the thing is. armin especially, and everyone, are trying to analyze eren's mindset, like 'maybe he's testing us' or whatever, and every time we SEE eren it's actually a simple "RAWR DEATH!"

-humanizing eren through reiner because we actually HAVE humanized reiner through endless chapters. that's interesting

-WE HAVE BEEN SUMMONED! ALL HAIL EREN! ALL SHALL LOVE/NOT-LOVE HIM AND DESPAIR. i don't want to see what happens, i'm sure it'll be nothing good :')

-mikasa's plea is the best. share the sins that they're all guilty of

-ah, what wouldn't i give for a simple ass-kicking from levi to eren

-eren will fight us? :’(((. i can't believe that. i know i said i'd renounce all hope, but i am so sad. i am so sad. mikasa what do we do? whatever you say, i'll follow your lead

-the plot armor is strong on the marleyan cast's families

-yes, cool, everyone wants world peace two seconds before they die

-all due respect, i don't see how the 104th can do anything about this now that the power of friendship failed

-'We'll use all our (seven) forces to destroy him!" rocks fall everyone dies - in the literal sense.

-WHY ARE YOU YELLING EREN'S NAME AS YOU FALL ARMIN WHY ARE YOU BREAKING MY HEART WHY DO YOU KEEP REMINDING ME WHO EREN IS (or was, or should be) WHY HAVE MERCY

-eren be like, feel free to fight on my skeleton back y’all

-JESUS WITH THE SCHOOL CASTES ALREADY, YOU'RE TOYING WITH MY FEELINGS

[tarobytez]

disability in the Six Of Crows Duology; an analysis of Kaz Brekker, Wylan Van Eck, and the fandom’s treatment of them.

****Note: I originally wrote this for a tiktok series, which im still going to do, but i wanted to post here as well bc tumblr is major contributor to what im going to talk about

CW: ableism, filicide, abuse

In the Six of Crows duology, Leigh Bardugo delicately subverts and melds harmful disability tropes into her narrative, unpacking them in a way that I, as a disabled person, found immensely refreshing and…. just brilliant. 

But what did you all do with that? Well, you fucked it up. Instead of critically looking at the characters, y’all just chose to be ableist. 

For the next few videos paragraphs im going to unpack disability theory (largely the stuff surrounding media, for obvious reasons) and how it relates to Six Of Crows and the characterization of Kaz Brekker and Wylan Van Eck, then how, despite their brilliant writing, y’all completely overlooked the actual text and continuously revert them to ableist cariactures.

Disclaimer: 1. Shocker - i am disabled. I have also extensively researched disability theory and am very active in the disabled community. Basically, I know my shit. 2. im going to be mad in these videos this analysis. Because the way y’all have been acting has been going on for a long ass time and im fuckin sick of it. I don’t give a shit about non-disabled feelings, die mad

Firstly, I’m going to discuss Kaz, his play on the stereotypical “mean cripple” trope and how Bardugo subverts it, his cane, and disabled rage. Then, I am going to discuss Wylan, the “inspiration porn” stereotype, caregivers / parents, and the social model of disability. Finally, I will then explain the problems in the fandom from my perspective as a disabled person, largely when it comes to wylan, bc yall cant leave that boy tf alone.

Kaz Brekker

Think of a character who uses a cane (obviously not Kaz). Now, are they evil, dubiously moral, or just an asshole in general? Because nearly example I can think of is: whether it be Lots’O from Toy Story, Lucius Malfoy, or even Scrooge and Mr.Gold from Once Upon A Time all have canes (the last two even having their canes appear less and less as they become better people)

The mean/evil cripple trope is far more common than you would think. Villains with different bodies are confined to the role of “evil”. To quote TV Tropes, who I think did a brilliant job on explaining it “The first is rooted in eugenics-based ideas linking disability or other physical deformities with a "natural" predisposition towards madness, criminality, vice, etc. The Rule of Symbolism is often at work here, since a "crippled" body can be used to represent a "crippled" soul — and indeed, a disabled villain is usually put in contrast to a morally upright and physically "perfect" hero. Whether consciously on the part of the writer or not, this can reinforce cultural ideas of disability making a person inherently inferior or negative, much in the same way the Sissy Villain or Depraved Homosexual trope associate sexual and gender nonconformity with evil. ”

Our introduction to Kaz affirms this notion of him being bad or morally bankrupt, with “Kaz Brekker didn’t need a reason”, etc. This mythologized version of himself, the “bastard of the barrel” actively fed into this misconception. But, as we the audience are privy to his inner thoughts, know that he is just a teenager like every other Crow. He is complex, his disability isn’t this tragic backstory, he just fell off a roof. It’s not his main motivation, nor does he curse revenge for making him a cripple - it is just another part of who he is. 

His cane (though the shows version fills me with rage but-) is an extension of Kaz - he fights with it, but it has a purpose. Another common thing in media is for canes to be simply accessories, but while Kaz’ cane is fashionable, it has purpose.

The quote “There was no part of him that was not broken, that had not healed wrong and there was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken.” is so fucking powerful. Kaz does not want nor need a cure - its said in Crooked Kingdom that his leg could most likely be healed, but he chooses not to. Abled-bodied people tend to dismiss this thought as Kaz being stubborn but it shows a reality of acceptance of his disability that is just, so refreshing.

In chapter 22 of SOC, we see disabled rage done right - when he is called a cripple by the Fjerdan inmate, Kaz is pissed - the important detail being that he is pissed at the Fjerdan, at society for ableism, not blaming it on being disabled or wishing he could be normal. He takes action, dislocating the asshole’s shoulder and proving to him, and to a lesser extent, himself, that he is just as capable as anyone else, not in spite of, but because he is disabled. And that is the point of Kaz, harking back to the line that “there was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken”. 

I cried on numerous occasions while reading the SOC duology, but the parts I highlighted in this section especially so. I, as many other disabled people do, have had a long and tumultuous relationship with our disability/es, and for many still struggle. But Kaz Brekker gave me an empowered disabled character who accepts themselves, and that means the world to me. 

Keeping that in mind, I hope you can understand why it hurts so much to disabled people when you either erase Kaz’s disability (whether through cosplay or fanfiction), or portray him as a “broken boy uwu”, especially implying that he would want a cure. That flies in the face of canon and is inherently fucking ableist. (if u think im mad wait until the next section)

Next, we have Wylan.  

Oh fucking boy. 

I love Wylan so fucking much, and y’all just do not seem to understand his character? Like at all? Since this is disability-centric, I’m not going to discuss how the intersection of his queerness also contributes to these issues, but trust me when I say it’s a contributing factor to what i'm going to say.

Wylan, motherfucking Van Eck. If you ableist pricks don’t take ur fucking hands off him right now im going to fight you. I see Wylan as a subversion another, and in my opinion more insidious stereotype pf disabled people - inspiration porn.

Cara Liebowitz in a 2015 article on the blog The Body Is Not An Apology explains in greater detail how inspiration porn is impactful in real life, but media is a major contributing factor to this reality. The technical definition is “the portrayal of people with disabilities as inspirational solely or in part on the basis of their disability” - but that does not cover it fully. 

Inspiration porn does lasting damage on the disabled community as it implies that disability is a negative that you need to “overcome” or “triumph” instead of something one can feel proud of. It exploits disabled people for the development of non-disabled people, and in media often the white male protagonist. Framing disability as inherently negative perpetuates ideals of eugenics and cures - see Autism $peaks’ “I Am Autism” ad. Inspiration porn is also incredibly patronizing as it implies that we cannot take care of ourselves, or do things like non-disabled people do. Because i stg some of you tend to think that we just sit around all day wishing we weren’t disabled. 

Another important theory ideal that is necessary when thinking about Wylan is the experience of feeling like a burden simply for needing help or accommodations. This is especially true when it comes to familial relationships, and internalized ableism.

The rhetoric that Wylan’s father drilled into his head, that he is “defective”, “a mistake”, and “needs to be corrected”, that he (Jan) was “cursed with a moron for a child” is a long held belief that disabled people hear relentlessly. And while many see Van Eck’s attempted murder of Wylan as “preposturous” and overall something that you would never think happens today - filicide (a parent murdering their child) is more common than you would like to believe. Without even mentioning the countless and often unreported deaths of disabled people due to lack of / insufficient / neglectful medical care, in a study on children who died from the result of household abuse, 40 of 42 of them (95%) were diagnosed with disabilities. Van Eck is not some caricature of ableist ideals - he is a real reflection on how many people and family members view disability. 

Circling back to how Wylan unpacks the inspiration porn trope - he is 3 dimensional, he is not only used to develop the other characters, he is just *chefs kiss* Leigh, imo, put so much love and care into the creation of Wylan and his story and character growth that is representative of a larger feeling in the disabled community. 

That being said, what you non-disabled motherfuckers have done to him.

The “haha Wylan can’t read” jokes aren’t and were not funny. Y’all literally boiled down everything Wylan is to him being dyslexic. And it’s like,,,, the only thing you can say about him. You ignore every other part of him other than his disability, and then mock him for it. There’s so much you can say about Wylan - simping for Jesper, being band kid and playing the fuckin flute, literally anything else. But no, you just chose to mock his disability, excellent fucking job!

Next up on “ableds stfu” - infantilization! y’all are so fucking condescending to Wylan, and treat him like a fucking toddler. And while partly it is due to his sexuality i think a larger portion is him being disabled. Its in the same vein of people who think that Wylan and Jesper are romantically one sided, and that Jesper only kind of liked Wylan, despite the canon evidence of him loving Wylan just as much. You all view him as a “smol bean”, who needs protecting, and care, when Wylan is the opposite of that. He is a fucking demolitions expert who suggested waking up sleeping men to kill them - what about that says “uwu”. You are treating Wylan as a burden to Jesper and the other Crows when he is an immensely valuable, fully autonomous disabled person - you all just view him as damaged. 

And before I get a comment saying that “uhhh Wylan isn’t real why do you care” while Wylan may not be real, how you all view him and treat him has real fucking impacts and informs how you treat people like me. If someone called me an “uwu baby boy” they’d get a fist square in the fucking jaw. Fiction informs how we perceive the world and y’all are making it super fucking clear how you see disabled people. 

Finally, I wanted to talk about how the social model of disability is portrayed through Wylan. For those who are unaware, the social model of disability contrasts the medical model, that views the disability itself as the problem, that needs to be cured, whereas the social model essentially boils down to creating an accommodating society, where disability acceptance and pride is the goal. And we see this with Wylan - he is able to manage his father’s estate, with Jesper’s assistance to help him read documents. And this is not out of pity or charity, but an act of love. It is not portrayed as this almighty act for Jesper to play saviour, just a given, which is incredibly important to show, especially for someone who has been abused by family for his disability like Wylan, that he is accepted. 

Yet, I still see people hold up Jesper on a pedestal for “putting up with” Wylan, as if loving a disabled person deserves a fucking pat on the back. It’s genuinely exhausting trying to engage with a work I love so much with a fandom that thinks so little of me and my community. It fucking shows. 

Overall, Leigh Bardugo as a disabled person wrote two incredibly meticulous and empowered disabled characters, and due to either lack of reading comprehension, ableism, or a quirky mix of both, the fandom has ignored canon and the experiences of disabled people for…. shits and giggles i guess. And yes, there are issues with the Grishaverse and disability representation - while I haven’t finished them yet so I do not have an opinion on it, people have been discussing issues in the KOS duology with ableist ideals. This mini series was no way indicative of the entire disabled experience, nor does it represent my entire view on the representation as a whole. These things need to be met critically in our community, and talked about with disabled voices at the forefront. For example, the limited perspective we get of Wylan and Kaz being both white men, does not account for a large portion of the disabled community and the intersection of multiple identities.

All-in-all, Critique media, but do not forget to also critique fandom spaces. Alternatively, just shut the fuck up :)

happy fucking disability pride month, ig

[futurewriter2000]

My Dear Audience

I know you are usually the victims of my emotional outbursts I post on my blog, probably didn't read the fine print when you pressed the follow button. You can always skip these posts/rants I make that's why I always put the "keep reading" function so that yall don't have to scroll for 10 minutes straight. But sometimes I write things down to get clearer in certain situations I'm in. It helps me figure it out. It's like my subconscious speaking to my conscious dumbass. Idk, maybe it will help you too or not. You can always write me your opinions because I love to see other opinions and perspective on certain themes I put in here. So let's get into it!

The reason I'm writing this is because it's faster to write in my journal and I don't trust my journal at all. Like I don't know why I'm hiding certain things from my journal. Maybe because my sister and mother used to read them when I was a kid. But yeah, sometimes I can be a little pathetic. But bear with me. We are all different and how we process emotions is different to all of us.

My sister told me something about me missing somebody, who I had dealt with in the recent past. And I told her that I don't and that I moved on from him already.

I firmly do believe I had moved on from him but something made me wonder if I really did when I was trying so hard to explain to her how I did move on.

You see, I did have a lot of friend break ups last year and from seven of them, I think that two hurt me the most. One was a guy (shocker) that I used to be so close with for 3 years but had known him for about 5 years. And the other was my best friend of 3 years or something as well. She was literally amazing to the point when she started to... get a bit wild, which I don't mind but she started to become more wild and more rude, arrogant and ignorant as well.

I was literally so attached to both but there came a moment, a click all of a sudden where I just knew that I don't want to be their friend anymore because they constantly hurt me. The worst part was that I didn't understand the why, I just knew that they were both toxic for me and that I didn't like what said or did to me. It took me long, sobbing and self-blaming nights to move on from both of them. It took me about 8 months to get over the guy and almost a year (around 11 months) to get over her. It's not that I was in love with them- I just love people way too much. I would give the world for my friends.

When I moved on from the guy (1), I met another guy (2) which reminded so much of guy 1. Literally, they were both tall, light eyes, dirty blonde/brown hair, both Aries (like a day apart)... but their character was different. Nevertheless, the similarities were wow but it was their character that made them so different. I admired guy 2 character more than anybody's character (lies... there are a few people) in my life. There is just something so interesting in people who think so differently or are different in general. He just had this magnetic pull. When we met, there was something so similar in him that I couldn't put my finger on and we just clicked in one day. The first day we met, we clicked. First 10 minutes we met, click. There was not even the introduction of our names, we just vibed so much that we let go of the unimportant details.

You can expect I fell in love with the guy. He bought me choclates and energies and opened the doors for me, and he always came to get me for lunch... the guy was literally treating me so good and my hopeless romantic self fell in love. He was the first ever guy that I considered to date. There were previous crushes, yes but he was just "the one". Don't judge. I am way too romantic.

He was the one until he started to give me hot and cold game. But we still vibed. Then he turned out to be gay, which to my surprise I was so relieved. I don't know why I was so relieved but I just was. It made me realise that I really didn't want to be with him in a romantic way, because that was so much pressure and work and I can finally relax. Bc when I can flirt with everything and everybody until I start to catch feelings. Then I turn into a tree. Makes no sense but you know what I mean. I just didn't know how to act.

He left. No goodbye, no nothing. I cried like a baby but it was easy for me to move on because we knew each other for a month and he seemed to be that person, who enters your life for a certain reason. I thought it was to show me that guy 1 was literally an ass and that I can be treated better by friends than I believed.

Okay, I moved on.

Until that bitch returned one day and made me forget to walk. I don't know what he did to me. I knew he was gay, I knew that there will nothing become of us ever. I was okay with that but he still made me feel butterflies. But so did the guy 1 but the guy 1 made me feel more of a sad anxiety butterflies and the guy 2 was happy anxiety butterflies.

We vibed like nothing ever happened. We went out on drinks, walks, I even went to his house, he met one of my friends, we made plans... until a day came where all of a sudden he started to act distant.

I was like, okay... maybe he just needs a time alone. If anything guy 1 has thought me was that I should never drill into people or pressure them to open up to me.

God, I knew something was wrong. I could see it in his eyes and on his face and I just knew it. But you know when people say hurt people hurt people.... oh did he just say the right words to prove that.

We had a conversation and I said something among the lines: "Yeah but at least we're such good friends now."

"Are we?" he said and when I tell you I felt my heart sink into the depth of whatever pit there is. It got cut into pieces and stomped over and shit like that but my defense mechanism is laughter and smiling.

"You're telling me we're not friends?" I asked him, my dumbass laughing.

"Then I must be a really bad friend."

AND MY DUMBASS WENT. "Noooo! You have your good qualities."

And so on and so on.

I'm not playing the victim in this situation. I was not the victim here. He was just... hurting.... he just.... really didn't have to hurt me too and sometimes I wished I went away and didn't start any conversation.

But he was so new and so interesting and I had never clicked so well with anybody.

Don't roll your eyes when I tell you that I believe in soulmates. I do. I believe I had 4 soulmates in my life and it's odd to describe it but there is this... feeling you have when you're with them that just make sense.

My soulmate definitely was not guy 1. But there was this crush I had in middle school that I had never exchanged words with but like I said... there's a feeling and fleeting moments where you just know.

So him... and my best friend of 2 years before the other best friend of 3 years.

And him. The guy 2.

There's a certain click you have with your soulmate. And I had many friends, many people and crushes and loves but none of them are those four soulmates.

I believe guy 2 is... but I also believe that he is that exact karma of what I did with guy 1. I was just not in love with guy 1. I think he was in love with me but I just wasn't in love with him. Yes, we are friends and good but I am not in love with you. (he wrote me a song that I was so oblivious that it was meant for me. I realised that a year later and yes I am face-palming myself right now). I just left him like that.

Just like guy 2 left me like that. I was in love with him but he couldn't be in love with me. And he left me... just like that.... just like I left guy 1. The fucking irony in that.

Months past, guy 2 disappoints me constantly until the point where he disappointed me so hard that I just couldn't go back to him. I never hated him... I never hate anybody but I do learn and I let go.

It was hard for me to let go because the pain felt just as horrible as it did with guy 1... just worse... so much worse. The memories me and guy 2 have are the memories that can be labeled as unforgettable ones. When I tell you that it was like a movie when we were hanging out together. Like a bloody movie... the way we met, the way we clicked, the love/rejection scene, him leaving, him coming back, us not having normal conversations (I had never had conversations as I did with him with anybody in this entire world. The conversations with him were... the ones that you don't forget easily.), the roadtrips we took, the awkward moments, the sharing deepest darkest secrets moments, the fun moments, the way we were so comfortable with each other that it felt like I had known him for years, not months.

Like a movie. A real, indie like movie. Him in bright/white clothes, me in dark/black clothes. Him the logical, me the dreamy. Me the romantic and innocent, him the not so romantic and definitely not so innocent.... like ying and yang... up until the ying didn't want the yang anymore.

I don't know what happened, really... he just didn't want to hang out with me anymore. His whole behaviour towards me changed.

Hurt people hurt people.

I cried... for months... shocker... but then there came a day when I just woke up and I was just ok.

You know there were times I would cry because of the memories. Because I never felt like this with anybody. Oh no... you know when you meet someone who is special in your life. You know you're in it deep from the moment you meet them. Tik Tok tarot readings really did not help. He just randomly popped in my mind. I couldn't look at pistachios... I couldn't drive by the gas station anymore, I even quit my job (but that was mostly for me), I couldn't go to the store without thinking of the time we went to the store. Still, every bus I see I wish I could see him in it.

But then I asked myself. What would I do if I did see him? I mean, the last time he disappointed me so hard that I don't think I could even look at him. I wouldn't want to give him his birthday gift because this shit is long passed. Once exciting to give it, now dreading it. Once I wanted to tell him everything... now I don't want a single thing to share with him because that creates another memory I would only cry over. The fact was.... so much time had passed that all the nostalgia, the energy, the excitement... it all just disappeared because I stopped giving it. I promised myself no more. And yes I wanted to just text him and call him to give him a peace of my mind but no. I held myself back and I rather cried and felt sorry for myself that ever giving my time and energy to someone who just... isn't worth it....

He disappointed me so much to the point I had to realise that when I think of him as someone who has broadened my perspective on the world, taught me certain things and gave me such great memories to look back on... for me he was a soulmate but for him I was just that one person, he worked with. Like he said... I wasn't a friend... though I don't know why he made plans with me... maybe to fill me with empty promises like most people do but I accept that.

I was done wasting time on mourning.

One thing I didn't realise about moving on from people was that you can still wish for them to come back or wish for things to be different and miss the hell out of them. Don't you think that just because I moved on from guy 1 and that best friend that I didn't think of reaching out to them. I did... to every last one of them but that will bring me nowhere. I just don't know where they would lead me... because I changed, yes but that doesn't mean they did.

I still wish them the best... I do look back on them with fond memories. Of course, I don't think the two can even come close to the guy 2. He is one of a kind but there are such wonderful people out in the world and guy 2 has thought me that I can be treated better than some people treated me.

Plus he was a good muse for the emotional works I had written and drew.

So I really did move on... by finally accepting the fact that it won't be like a movie and that not all people are here to change your life and stay in it. Maybe they just change it and leave you to grow further on.

All of them thought me so much but I do swear that the last one had really put an impact in my life. Made it better, no matter the hurt he caused. Most of it was because I let it happen. I let him take the wheel for a while but now I'm driving again and he's left the bus.

[ourintertwiningstars]

Queen of Air and Darkness (Spoilery) Thoughts

I read the whole damn book, and the entire shadowhunters saga before it. that’s the background i have before i go off below.

SPOILERS BELOW

1) I really, really like how, in this book, Julian *earned* the “ruthless” and “calculating” persona that the author and the narrative always seemed to apply to him in the trilogy. I’ve always loved the idea of portraying someone who could be fundamentally kind-hearted and sweet while capable of being cunning and duplicitous. The author in the past referenced how Emma’s more straight-forward character versus Julian’s reliance on schemes reflect the opposite traits their genders are usually associated with, but the books used to always put this on Emma’s shoulders to be the next “Jace” (alpha leader and warrior) rather than really show us a Julian who is sweet to his family, but more than willing to do insane things with trickery rather than flashy swords. This book changed that, and I’m glad although I wasn’t a fan of a lot of his decisions this book. I definitely felt like at the least, whatever I thought of him, he had *earned* the reputation the narrative and author placed on him. There aren’t many male characters in fiction with as sophisticated in role as Julian (Jace, as great as he is, is definitely a stereotype, as is Simon). The closest parallel I can come to is Peeta, but Julian is definitely distinct in his style as a character.

2) I did not see the AU thing coming. At all. It wasn’t a shocker so much as a “what?” I really liked the idea of the main characters wandering in and interacting with a fictional alternate universe, as well as the characters talking with alternate versions of the people they knew. I think it was 100% intentional that Clary died at the Battle of the Burren and not later in the narrative of the Mortal Instruments, because it is pretty clear in this book and in the TMI series that Sebastian would have forced Clary to be completely *his* if he won while she was alive. The author made the smart bet that Clary is better off dead without that happening to her than keeping her alive in the alternate universe, and putting her in that situation where she would have become Endarkened and/or Sebastian’s “queen.” Not just better off because of the plot persay, but better off because that would be sadistic as a writer to do upon the narrative, and the alternate universe is already plenty sadistic without adding that element in. 

3) I’m really, really curious about Thule!Jace. If Sebastian is dead, is he himself again? How much of himself can he be after being a killer for many years, and an aid to the apocalypse? Also, Julian killing Thule!Julian to save Thule!Livia was...wow. It definitely mirrored Achilles killing Hector while Hector was wearing Achilles’ former armor, making it seem like Achilles was killing himself (and he was). I definitely wish that was played on, or used as a subtle hint of foreshadowing. It was just a metaphor, which is fine, but I would have liked to see the implications of it dissected more.

4) I’m not the author, but something I felt very strongly about was that Livia should not appear in the books after her death. Not as a ghost, not in an alternate universe. Thule!Livia was really cool, and I get the point that the author was trying to make-she got to be the chosen one in the alternate universe as recompense for being murdered in the real world-but I think it’s really problematic to be like “death can’t be messed with” and then have said dead character pop up every two minutes. Real death isn’t like that. Nobody is going to see their loved ones again until after death, not as a ghost, not as a alternate universe anything. Pulling that kind of move comes off as fan-service, and cheapens the death of Livia. If the point is to make Livia’s death heart-breaking and tragic-because it is-than the narrative needs to commit to the fact that she is dead. No pop-up visits, no alternate version of her, nothing. At best maybe, a vision of the past or what could have been but not this. Also, Ty was being stupid, and he was being so stupid that I think the narrative wanted to make him stupid more than I believed he actually was that stupid. If you’re going to have someone go the whole “i’m gonna bring my loved one back from the dead,” you gotta go all the way Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, or don’t bother. That manga *earned* the story it got out of that narrative, and this one was a weak echo.

5) A lot of this book felt like set-up for the Wicked Powers more than it felt like specifically part of this trilogy. This was true of City of Heavenly Fire, and this wasn’t as bad, but it was annoying. Annabelle, for all her glory on the cover and the namesake of the book, is barely a factor in the plot’s narrative. She gets killed off with little repercussion or discussion, and Horace is swiftly disposed of. Which, fine, but you have to earn that. That wasn’t earned in the narrative. Dane and Samantha Larkspears’ deaths were well-done and haunting in their own ways.

6) I think Zara and Manuel are gonna be the villains of the Wicked Powers, which I am very much looked forward to seeing that dynamic play out. 

7) Christina’s polyamorous relationship felt...tacked in. The build-up for her and Kieran to have feelings for each other literally was only in this book. It’s not that such a dynamic is impossible to pull off, it just felt very apparent that this was shoe-horned in the last book instead of naturally developing. Mark and Kieran, I buy. Mark and Christina, I buy. Kieran and Christina? Eh. I will, but I’m not entirely sold if that was a natural progression of the narrative or a demand of the narrative on them.

8) I love Clary and Jace in this book. The roles felt clear and I could see them as themselves. Simon and Isabelle got drastically cut-they’re barely cameos-while Alec and Magnus are supporting characters throughout the trilogy. 

9) Ash is interesting. I genuinely don’t know how that dynamic will play out. I really hope he’s not another Evil Morgenstern bc...we’ve got enough of those. I don’t mind mysterious/grey, but he better not be the Villain of the next trilogy. That said, I wanna see where his character goes because he clearly is not fitting into any boxes of savior/victim. Tbh, there’s no reason he should have wings at all.

10) Diego got a really hot scar across his face that screams “I watched the Force Awakens.” Which is fine, because I can appreciate dramatic scars across the face. Additionally, there are such strong Hamilton references in this book that as I read it, I literally thought to myself “and the author discovered Hamilton while writing this book.”

11) Horace got disposed of so quickly in the overall saga that it’s annoying that he got built up so high by the narrative. He barely lasted two books before getting neatly killed off. 

12) I honestly feel like the author kinda moved on from doing a series on a supernatural universe with all sorta of creatures to fixating on faeries. The last 4 books in the Shadowhunters saga have focused primarily on the faeries, with background attention to other creatures. 

13) I want the world for Dru. Really. She’s the character I’m the most excited to see in the Wicked Powers. 

[rorypcarson]

it’s hope??? again??? yes u read that right here’s my son rory love us this blog is so new so nothing will be in the tags i hate everything lmao anyway like this or message me to plot ily bye

triggers: car crash, drunk driving, stroke, abortion, death, depression ( mention )

╰☆╮ DACRE MONTGOMERY ─ RORY PEARSON identifies as CISMALE and uses HE/HIM pronouns. they’re a YOUTUBER/MUSICIAN, and they’re only TWENTY-TWO ! they’re said to be +CANDID, but also -DESPONDENT. i guess that’s why they’re known as THE ACCIDENTAL BILLIONAIRE in the tabloids. ( kendall schmidt, logan henderson )

did i use two btr bois as his vc??? u bet ur ass i did & i have no regrets ok anyway on to my son 

background: 

rory pearson was born and raised in fairhope, alabama.  his parents were teenagers when they had him and lived with his grandma scarlett.  his mom jean marie was ousted by her parents when she told them she was pregnant and his dad’s mom took her in with open arms.  

of course his grandma wasn’t going to let them live in the same room in her house without being married, especially with her grandbaby on the way.  so after talking with them, and his parents agreeing, they went to the courthouse and got married three months before rory came into the world.  

rory was born on april 20th, 1996 and he was without a name for six days.  his parents couldn’t decide so they named him rory wyatt vincent pearson.  he was always told that since his parents couldn’t decide on naming him after jean marie’s grandfather or greyson’s father, they picked a third name and gave him both of their names for middle names.  

when rory was two and a half years old ( not really half, it was june ?? ) his parents graduated high school and went out for a party.  unfortunately their designated driver wasn’t so sober and the group of four recent graduates crashed into another car.  

his father was in the passenger’s seat and died on impact, his mother was pronounced dead in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.  

scarlett legally adopted rory after that and raised him.  she always told him stories of his parents, but avoided telling him anything about what happened to them for as long as she could.  

he was ten years old when he saw the memorial and recognized his parents from their yearbook photos and came home asking about it.  

honestly this is jumping ahead a bit but rory didn’t learn to drive until he was twenty years old.  and even now, esp now, since he lives in nyc he doesn’t drive often. 

okay when he was seventeen years old he met bethany in an airport.  he was on his way to a college interview on a connecting flight that got cancelled due to weather conditions.  they were both sitting in the same terminal so they got to talking and !!! hit it off

bro legit asked her out 5 seconds after their flights were announced to be back on

“hi yeah we just met but we’ve got two hours before your flight leaves so wanna go grab some food with me???” 

and the rest was legit history

he can remember every moment of their conversation and first date like it was yesterday. oh my god he was SO IN LOVE 

the human embodiment of the hearteyes emoji

and so the pair stayed in touch and went on a couple more dates and the boy was so gd smitten that grandma scarlett took his phone during one of their phone calls and was like “darlin if you don’t fly down here to meet me i’m going to think my grandbaby is just talking to a complete stranger on here.” 

and then bethany flew down and met scarlett and she was so excited because !!!! her grandson had a girlfriend !!!! 

grandma scarlett was the biggest supporter of anything rory did in life oh my GOD 

at his graduation it was just grandma scarlett in the crowd for him but boy did it sound like the whole crowd was cheering for him when his name was called 

anyway flash forward to he’s in college and he’s moved away to be closer to bethany.  which should not have affected his life but when he was looking at colleges fr fr after acceptances the boy chose one closer to his girl

we love a softie ok 

anyway on bethany’s 19th birthday he took her to an airport and was surprising her with a trip to disney that he’s been saving up for for MONTHS !!!! 

and at the airport he was like all jittery and nervous bc in his pocket he had an engagement ring but he did his bEST to hide it all from beth bc surprises 

not that he planned the whole thing ( he did ) but it just so happened they were in the same restaurant waiting for their flight as their first date way back when

and in the middle of dessert, the waiters singing happy birthday this boy attempts to be sly and gets down on one knee.  but didnt realize there would be someone coming up behind him to keep up the singing and he ..... kinda caused a mini avalanche of people

and he apologized and is like still on one knee and now he’s looking at bethany with a BRIGHT RED face and he had had this whole speech worked out in his mind ok but all that comes out is, “i love you, please marry me?” in like an awkward stutter because he just TOOK OUT AN ENTIRE WAITSTAFF 

somehow bethany said yes ??? and they’re engaged ??? 

oh and someone got the whole thing on camera and like that happened 

the video skyrocketed to the most viewed video entitled “i witnessed an awkward proposal???? and she still said yes?????” 

which is also lowkey how he started his youtube channel ?? 

“hi yes it’s me the guy who proposed to an olympic athlete while taking out a whole waitstaff?? i dont know why she said yes either but i love her??”

and for a long time it was mainly vlogs of him and beth and him and his friends 

okay so fast forward and rory’s graduated college with a degree in history education bc he wants to be a teacher and he’s got to fly back to alabama and miss his graduation because he got a phone call and grandma scarlett had a stroke

so the boy is freaking out but it’s fine !!! grandma goes home and he winds up staying down and now he’s trying to figure out how to be with beth, find a job in ny, but also take care of his grandma 

for a while he toys with the idea of moving grandma up to new york and helping her find a place.  so he goes back to new york to talk to beth about it and he’s freaking out and he gets home and she tells him she’s pregnant

of course he never expected to be like 20 and having a baby but ??? whatever.  now he’s freaking out because his grandma is not doing good and he’s worried about her and now he’s got to figure out what to do with a BABY ???

and bethany then tells him she wants to get an abortion and rory’s already stressed and so he flips bc of emotions and they get into a huge fight and it just winds up with him leaving and heading back to alabama and bethany in their apartment  

so rory goes home to alabama and he keeps getting notifications on social media about bethany so he just shuts his phone off and i’m talking like he goes days without touching his cell phone.  he takes a hiatus from youtube because he’s freaking out and 

two months after he’s home he seemed like scarlett was doing better so he took her to a party in town to see some of her friends and at the party scarlett had another stroke.  

she died six days later, never waking up from the medically induced coma they put her in.  

flash forward a couple more weeks after he’s working with lawyers for his grandma’s estate and rest assured scarlett pearson had nothing but her house, her garden, and her beat up corvette that her deceased husband wyatt bought her for their anniversary one year

so its a shocker to find out that scarlett pearson was worth 43.7 billion dollars 

and now that money all goes to rory because he’s her only living heir ???

so rory gets this BOATLOAD of money and the local newspaper picks it up which brings it to the national news and somehow it made international news

“local alabama boy from youtuber to billionaire overnight” 

so he kept his grandma’s house in alabama because ..... he can’t seem to let that go and why should he ?? its a good house and holds a lot of memories

but he does in fact buy a brownstone in manhattan its HUGE and he doesn’t have enough things to fill the whole space up but ??? he’s working on it slowly. 

he created a makeshift recording studio in one of the upstairs rooms and has been working on music, which is new to him ?? he was always a bit artistic but never sure enough to like try it out

oh and he’s returned to youtube, he’s got a decent following i guess 

i mean lbr he’s hot ???? and sings ??? so ??? ya know 

personality: 

okay so this is long already so im gonna keep this short n sweet

rory is a sweet boy, never really an athletic type always more focused on his studies than sports.  

spent a lot of time with his grandma and he’s very easily attached to people he’s close to.  not exactly clingy, but it’s really hard for him to let people go i guess ??? 

used to love shows like survivor and big brother and amazing race. always toyed with the idea of applying to be on amazing race but he never had anyone who would go with him, or could for that long.  

he’s a real kind hearted guy and clumsy as fuck

a bit awkward when you first meet him but ??? you warm up quickly and so does he

clumsy af as noted earlier 

kind of depressed ??? idk he’s not seeing anyone for it but post losing beth, his grandma, and like the possibility of a family in the future he’s kinda ..... morbid 

puts on a happy front for youtube

oh and he does a podcast talking about stuff with his friends idk what exactly but ?? its prob music and movies lbr

connections: 

best friend(s)--self explanatory; people who he gets along with and they’re like his ride or dies.  

nerd friends--give him someone to geek out with please he’s SUCH A NERD !!!! or someone who likes learning random things he’s got u 

musical friends--people who he met through starting to delve into music 

youtube community--give me people who !!! met through youtube and often do colabs together.  probably ppl who were shooketh when he came back and was like “bro i have 40 billion dollars????”

wealthy friend(s)--give me someone who will teach this boy how to be wealthy ??? like cause he knows nothing about that he struggled a lot growing up and with college and several part time jobs he doesnt know how to like party or anything 

idk anything else 

[femslashy]

2018 fic year in review

thank you so much for tagging me @homosociallyyours !! this was really fun (and also a bit hard haha) to do ^__^

1. number of stories (including drabbles) posted to ao3: 19 (6 100 word seasonal drabbles, and out of the rest 4 are under 1k and 2 are chaptered but one of those is still a WIP)

2. word count posted for the year: 142,383 which is def more than i’ve written in previous years but my initial goal for this year was 200k and then i lowered it to 150k and then decided i should focus less on word count and more on actually finishing the fics lmaooo

3. list of works posted this year in order of posting:

the tesco fic (although i didn’t make the tumblr post until recently)

three spring drabbles (100 words each)

begin again [timestamp] (my only snowbaz fic in 2018)

we’re swimming with the sharks until we drown

SPHERICAL

got me an appetite, now i can taste it

Take a Chance on Me

Getting Naked on Camera (NOT CLICKBAIT)

my favourite colour is you

louis tomlinson’s completely 100% foolproof guide to snagging the fit bloke next door (3 100 word drabbles)

no better place than right by your side

days gone by (WIP)

love the cronch

zero to sixty

where the love light gleams

4. fandoms i wrote for: mostly one direction and by that i mean i posted a timestamp for a carry on fic from 2017 and the rest was one direction lol

5. pairings: harry/louis, simon/baz (ONCE)

6. story with the most hits: Take a Chance on Me with 10975 hits :o

7. story with the most kudos: Take a Chance on Me with 426 kudos

8. story with the most comments: Take a Chance on Me with 52 comments threads

9. work i’m most proud of and why: well Take a Chance on Me was both my first time doing a big bang as well as the longest thing i’ve ever written (twice the length of the previous longest!) and i’m still completely in love with the art for it courtesy of @vulpixlou and i def don’t go back to stare at it ever nope 👀👀

10. work i’m least proud of and why: i mean i could nitpick the hell out of my stuff and i know there are certain bits i would write differently now but at the same time i created something with my brain that didn’t exist before and that’s just too cool not to be proud of ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

11. a favorite excerpt of your writing:

this is from Take a Chance on Me (shocker) and i was having trouble thinking of my fave but then i was skimming through all of my fics and ngl i had forgotten about this bit but y’all i’ve been trying to work a Dramatic Airport Reunion into a fic FOR FUCKING EVER and i finally did it and i actually don’t hate it? (spoiler for the ending of Take a Chance on Me)

“See…” Louis starts. “See, there’s this guy. And, oh god, he’s an absolute twat. Wanna know what he did to me?” Harry nods faintly, and Louis, emboldened now, goes on. “So, I already knew who he was, right? I knew him, because he’d been in this god-awful boy band for years, and even if me bloody sisters hadn’t been so bloody in love with him, I’d still have known him, because he was just that famous.”

“I wasn’t that famous.”

“Don’t interrupt,” Louis chastises, and Harry mimics zipping his lips. “So this guy, I knew him, but he didn’t know me, but, fucking hell, I think someone forgot to tell him that, because there I was, minding my own business, when this kid just…” Louis giggles then, because the memory is just so ridiculous, “he just starts fucking singing to me, can you believe it?”

Harry shakes his head. “What a weirdo.”

“Right? The weirdest.”

“What happened next?”

“I fell in love with him.”

“What? That soon?”

“Of course not, Jesus, Harold. I’m not that pathetic. I waited the appropriate amount of time to fall in love, thank you very much.”

“Is that why you’re here, then?” Harry whispers. “Is it because you love him?”

“That’s part of it, yeah. I love him, and I love the way we just fit, and I adore his daughter, and our pets are friends now, and I think our sisters are best friends now, so they didn’t actually give me a choice, but do you want to know the biggest, most important reason?”

Harry nods quickly, so hard his chin bumps his chest, and Louis’ so fucking in love with him at that moment that these are the easiest words he’s ever said.

“I’m here,” he tells Harry, “because I was lying in my own bed, in my own house, surrounded by all my things, and all I wanted to do was go home.”

He’s yanked forward then, Harry’s fingers digging into his shoulders, and he barely feels the pain because it’s Harry, and everything’s good when it’s Harry. He’s babbling into Louis’ neck, and the only words he can make out are his name and “love you” and he shivers with the feeling.

Harry’s hair has grown out enough since the night Louis snuck in to see him that he can tangle his fingers in the strands. So he does, pulling Harry’s face away from his neck and pressing their lips together. Every kiss feels like an apology. Every kiss feels like home.

12. share or describe a favorite review you recieved: so this miiiiight be cheating but i received two comments on a fic i wrote in 2015 and it was kind of a surprise that something that old still held up and people still enjoy it? def made me feel better about my current writing and also anyone who quotes my fics back to me has earned my undying love and affection

13. a time when writing was really, really hard: i have adhd so p much always ahahaha

14. a scene or character you wrote that most surprised you: the entirety of “we’re swimming with the sharks until we drown” ngl because i struggled with the like… morally gray criminal-y elements? and portraying the two of them in such a different way while still staying in character which i like to think i nailed? hopefully lol

15. how did you grow as a writer this year? i don’t feel like a i have? but i’m also bias and hypercritical so maybe i did and just didn’t realize ahaha

16. how do you hope to grow next (this?) year: i want to enjoy writing again and i want to finish more fics and not let them rot in my docs because of self-doubt

who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer: okay so first @amandaisnotwriting is the real MVP as she bears the brunt of my whining/complaining/drama queen moments as well as the fact that she listens (some would argue is forced to :p) and reads over fic for a pairing she doesn’t ship for a fandom she doesn’t care about 😂😂😂

@rainbowbaz always makes time to look over my fics even when she’s crazy busy and is honestly amazing and saves my fics from americanisms ahahaha

and FINALLY we met p late in the year but but @livingatthelairport ‘s comment on “the tesco fic” helped me out of a writing slump and now she’s become my cheerleader (and friend 💜) and that’s make a huge difference in my attitude towards writing! it’s also easier to write a fic for a specific person than worry about the opinion of a crowd which is def something i’ve been missing in this fandom rip

also to everyone else who has read my fics, listened to me rant about them or just helped the process along in any way at all this is a GIANT thank you!!

18. anything from your real life show up in your writing this year? i mean i can’t think of anything off the top of my head but a lot of my inspo comes from the world around me so probably lol

19. any wisdom you can share with other writers: there’s nothing wrong with feeling jealous of other writers because i’m not a fan of hiding feelings just because they’re ugly as long as you don’t let it fester and turn into resentment or make you bitter. there are a lot of factors that go into a fic becoming “big” in a fandom but honestly most of it is just random chance so don’t beat yourself up because someone else’s success is not your failure and it’s nice to get recognition for your hard work but if you’re writing solely for the feedback then you’re writing for the wrong reason and that will lead to the resentment and bitterness mentioned earlier

also if you compliment someone you say you like their outfit but if you complement someone then you complete them

20. any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I’M GLAD YOU ASKED

these are all the things i didn’t start and/or finish in 2018 that WILL be completed this year

the cat fic

the doctor fic

the final three chapters of days gone by

penpal AU

Space. Florist.

teenage fanboys who are also best friends

baking blog fic

a short follow up to tacom

twitter drama fic

80’s/’high school’/secret admirer!AU

something based on yawning grave by lord huron

part three of the alien harry series

chocolate orange holiday fic

LA fic (wtwm)

70’s fic

monkey fic

i’m also planning to do the @larryabroad challenge again because i had so much fun with it last time :D

21. tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read:

p sure everyone has done this but if you haven’t then do it now! and also tagging @cosyblack k bc you’ve had a really good year even if i have beta bias 😂

this took waaay longer than i thought it would omg but it was nice to take a look back!!

[sunnysidewrites]

Best Friends to Lovers!Seokmin

HAHAHA THAT’S RIGHT FOLKS!!!!!! I PULLED THIS SHIZ ON YALL!!!1!11!! this is part 2 of seokmin’s bday present. and yes i know im over a month late leAVE ME ALONE!! THIS IS THE FIRST BULLETPOINT AU OF 2018!!! AND YES ITS AT THE END OF MARCH!!! FORGIVE ME CHILDREN!!!! i had SOOOO much fun writing this but maybe a bit too much bc i think i went overboard,,, but i cant help it that he needs so much love!!!

this is THE. LONGEST. BULLETPOINT. AU. I’VE. EVER. WRITTEN. it has definitely surpassed assassin!cheol pt 2 by a long shot and im a little concerned honestly bc i go OFF whenever i talk about my biases, especially the underrated ones. (wonwoo, you’ll get your turn one day wait for me bby)

happy bday to my sunshine pt 2. i love you so much that words will never be able to express it, even as a writer who writes as a hobby and has to Put Things Into Words. you’ve been such an amazing influence not only on the members, but also on carats and other diverse fans. i’ve always believed the saying that the brightest smiles hold the most pain, and i may not know all of your struggles, but i know how much you have to hide behind this idol front. we love you unconditionally, so please keep shining for us. also allow yourself to be sad and other negative emotions, but there must be darkness in order for the light to be appreciated, right? thank you for being the ball of sunshine we so deeply love. 💕💕💕

warnings: might give you diabetes on how soft and sweet i was feelin!!! as a double bias, it is hard to give everyone equal love so this is the 1 time i could fully dive into it!! also seokmin is a flirty and jealous drink sipper

Part 1: Be There In Spirt

Seokmin was your go-to for anything and everything

Whether it was to find a movie buddy or seeking advice, he was always there

You first met him at some social event your friend dragged you to

“So you can talk to more people!” Your friend would respond when you asked why

You really didn’t care much, if at all, for parties unless someone you’re acquaintanced with was also there

Your friend was too occupied with other people, so you just grabbed some food and juice and settled yourself in the kitchen

Someone entered the door and you could hear the volume of his muffled voice even from the other side of the door before he entered

You were just chilling at the countertop with your back to him and munching on your tortilla chips with salsa that you didn’t care who entered

He noticed that you were the only one there and you were eating and occasionally sighing mood tho

As he was opening his soda, he asked you pointedly, “is the food good, at least?”

You were startled and slightly jumped at the sudden sound of someone’s voice

You turned around to be greeted with the goofiest yet brightest smile

Is it possible to see that bright of a smile or one at all when someone’s drinking? Bc he definitely made it work

You just finished swallowing your food and merely brushed your hands and shrugged, “it’s pretty bland like this party,” which earned a heart laugh from the boy

“You got dragged here, too?” You nodded and cracked a smile. “What, was the whole antisocial ‘take refuge in food’ act a dead giveaway?”

He smiled and lightly chuckled, “that, and how you were muttering about getting dragged here as you munched on your chips,” he gestured to your now empty plate

“Hey, correction — I said that I was brought here against my will”

“Like that’s such a big difference,” he says with a smile on his lips as he finishes up his soda

“And it’s not every day that I meet a cool, tortilla-chip-eating person at a social, but maybe I would let myself get dragged out more often”

You kinda stared back at him and slowly blinked bc like

Was that a hint of flirtation in his tone or were you just that self-centered?

Maybe best of both worlds

You raised an eyebrow at him, “you want to see a loner at the snack table?”

“It’s easier to approach you or anyone like this, isn’t it?” He flashes another one of his infamous pearly grins and reaches in your bowl to steal a chip and pops it in his mouth

You jokingly say, “Oh, you think we’re friends now?”

He laughs throatily and puts his hands up in defense

“I think we’re past the stage of bonding over stale chips and salsa at this point”

And you’re cut off shortly when his rowdy group of friends interrupts the friendly banter y’all had rip :(((

Those darn cockblockers

“I’ll see you around, Tostitos,” he throws in a wink and gives you a short wave as he backs away from the door and leaves you as quickly as he entered

You shake your head and look at the sad, crinkled bag of chips and salsa

“Did he just nickname me after a brand of this stale party food??????”

What an iconic first impression tbh bless

Ever since then he would have this weird nickname system of naming you after foods you would eat to make fun of you or just joke around

“Cheer up, cheese puff!” ok this actually sounds kinda cute and now I’m soft :’(((

“Be there or be square, you pretzel”

You: “that didn’t even make any sense”

“Don’t be salty” ba dum tss

“Can you help me out, (peanut) butter cup?”

“Whatever you say, nerd...s”

“Okay you’re not getting any of my other candy then, seok”

He’s the only one out of your friend group — actually just everyone in general — to yell directly into your ear as a greeting

He calls it “cute”………………….. ok seok

But it’s ok bc he gives out the best hugs

Or maybe it’s just the best to you heheh ;)))

Invented!! Bear!! Hugs!!

The best ones that crush your lungs and you can barely wheeze out a breath

Your ideal hang out session with him involves screaming at the top of your lungs while playing Mario Kart and having a whole junk food feast sprawled out on the coffee table

“bRO YOU MADE ME SWERVE”

“GET OUT YOU’RE IN MY WAY”

Bonus: the chips and candy are also sometimes used to pelt at each other

It’s honestly more of a damn jungle when y’all are together it’s amazing LMAO

The type to crash at your place unannounced whenever he wants

You would open the door and he would just stroll in and look through your fridge like he’s lived there all his life

“WHY are you going through my fridge??? You need to go home, I have things to do today”

“Eh, we can just work alongside together—you’re running low on juice”

“Imma juice you boi if you don’t leAVE”

Your friend group most likely carries a pair of earplugs whenever you’re together

But underneath their rolling of eyes, they lowkey highkey ship the hell outta y’all

They even sometimes drop gigantic hints for you to get together but,,, things don’t exactly go their way

“Hey, Seokmin, my parents are having a barbecue this weekend. Maybe bring a plus one? Like uhhhhhh Y/N?” Real subtle

And he’d be like “what, Y/N??? Why would we need a plus one??? Aren’t we all going together anyways?”

The same thing happens on your end too smh

“My cousin is having a birthday party, you wanna come with? You can bring a date or whatever, probably Seokmin or something”

“Seok??? He would probably burn the place down HAHA but ya I guess I can bring him *shrug*”

And every time, both of you would ask: “but why (that other person)??? I can bring (insert another random member)”

GET A CLUE BABES!!! OH MY LORD

And they would just shake their head like sigh look at these naive kids

Mingyu: so are we just gonna let them be dumb like this orrrr????

Cheol: yeah let’s just leave them alone — nO THEY DON'T SEE HOW PERFECT THEY ARE TOGETHER WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING I’m with u on that one cheols

So this is the O Great Seungcheol’s plan: make each other jealous without knowing y’all would get jealous

A foolproof plan, amiright folks????

And what other cliche perfect way to do that than a WEDDING

it just so happens that Seokmin’s aunt is conveniently getting married and he’s inviting the whole crew

And the guys are like mwHAHAHA THIS IS PERFECT

Everyone’s talking about who’s bringing who as a date and things like that and you’re just chilling and scrolling on your phone

And everyone’s making eyes at each other without you knowing bc they’re like ok y’all time to initiate I Still Get Jealous Plan

“how about you, Y/N? who are you taking?”

And Seokmin subconsciously wants to know too bc he’s tuning in with the rest of them LOL

And you don’t even bother looking up at your screen bc that’s how indifferent you are to this whole thing

“I don’t really care, I guess anyone who doesn’t have a date or something”

Seokmin is about to open his mouth and ask you since that’s your usual thing

BUT SHOCKER!! SOMEONE BEATS HIM TO IT!!

“How about going with me? I don’t have anyone”

And you expected Seokmin to say those words, but you look up and see Jeonghan smile at you

THE LOOK OF B E TR A YA L ON SEOKS FACE DID THE TEMPERATURE JUST DROP BC IT IS C O L D IN HERE

Admittedly, you feel a little odd going with someone who’s your best friend and go-to for everything but hannie is your friend, so you don’t mind too much

So you’re like “o-oh sure that works”

And you steal a glance at seok but he has an unreadable expression and is smiling like usual

And for some reason you feel your chest drop just the slightest bit bc you thought he would at least fight for you a little bit and say something like

“heY HEY Y/N IS MY GO-TO FOR THESE THINGS”

But he doesn’t at all,,, and his lips looked a little strained when he smiled

and jeonghan is looking all slyly at seok bc he knows just a minute ago he could feel the back of his head being burned off by Seokmin’s glare

The convo picks up from where it previously left off and things are back to normal but the atmosphere is a little heavy

The day of the wedding comes and you’re about to finish dressing up

You’re waiting for half of them to pick you and meeting the other half at the venue

And ofc, in this half includes seok and jeonghan yikes

You hear your doorbell ring, and you’re like oh they’re here!! You say bye to your parents and put on your coat and shoes

When you open the door, you find yourself in front of Jeonghan and he’s like holy crAP

He’s awestruck and is looking at you like :OOOOO

“Jeonghan! Uhhh,,,, do I look weird???”

And he snaps out of it and is violently shaking his head like nO NO N O ofc not you look amazing

And you’re like heck yea I do I spent time looking this good :)))) (you don’t actually say this but it’s a thought)

and you get a funny feeling in your stomach and you realize you’re anticipating what Seokmin would think

If you got a good response from your “date,” surely your best friend would say smth good too??? Right??? That’s how this works???

Little did you know Seokmin (and everyone else) witnessed what happened and they’re like oMG Y/N LOOKS GOOD

Seokmin couldn't help but feel it should be him in Jeonghan’s shoes but he couldn’t refute the fact that you did indeed look like a million bucks

As you get in the car you lock eyes with him and you’re like hey Seokmin!!!

But you’re instantly b l o w n away by how CRISP HE LOOKS

His brown hair that’s usually sitting down and hides his forehead is now slicked back but in a way that still stands up and exposes more of his forehead and outlines his masculine face shape

His sharp suit perfectly fits on his toned body and you’re fully convinced you’re looking at an angel

YALL KNOW WHAT LOOK IM TALKING ABOUT. YOU KNOW.

You have to actually hold back a squeak bc you’re shook af

And he’s dying bc of how cute you are and wow are his palms sweaty???

You end up sitting in the middle of him and jeonghan and you’re just sitting happily and waiting to see what kinda food is at the wedding lmAO

but the real meal here is you eh??? Eh??? ;))))

Seokmin seems a little nervous and tense sitting next to you looking that good like he’s actually a little intimidated

You’re waiting for him to speak up and he’s clearing his throat and stammering a little bit

“Y-you look really nice, Y/N”

And you’re like ahahahhahhdgdhhhcjdbdhhd

“Thanks, seok, you clean up really nicely too”

And both of you can’t look each other in the eyes bc you’re gonna actually combust if you do

And everyone in the car is looking at each other like hehehhehehehh it’s workinggggg

When y’all finally arrive at the venue, you get out of the van with the help of Jeonghan’s hand

Seokmin: conceal don’t feel :))) channel your inner Elsa man :))))

And jeonghan is glancing back at Seokmin every so often to test him

And Seokmin is starting to catch on like ,,,, why is hannie always looking at me

He tests him even more when he casually holds your shoulder and drapes his arm around you

And Seokmin is like !!! ELSA WHERE ARE U

Jeonghan is being a little too touchy in seok’s eyes and Seok is silently fuming over the drinks

Soonyoung is like dude I can feel your dark energy all over my soup what’s up with you???

Seok is about to explode at this point and anything can set him off

“isn’t Jeonghan being just a little too touchy-feely with Y/N? That looks like borderline harassment. They’re not even dating!”

And soonyoung is silently laughing bc he’s like oh you fool lmao

“You sound a little too overprotective over your best friend. Well — if that’s really the reason why you are”

“Of course I’m just worried — dID YOU SEE THAT ARE THEY FEEDING EACH OTHER”

Soonyoung: u need help bro

“Steal a dance with her later” soonyoung says and seok is like uh what Im not gonna make a fool out of myself

All soonyoung does is shrug and winks and he goes back to eating

Soon enough the dancing portion begins and jeonghan takes you out to the dance floor

And it’s nice bc you’re just having pure fun and dancing goofy moves, not to mention Jeonghan is great company

But you’re a little disappointed you and seok weren’t able to talk and have fun the way y’all usually do

Jeonghan has sensed this the whole day and he says “I’ll be out of your hair soon enough”

You’re taken aback by his statement and you’re like “what no you were really fun to be around tonight!!”

And he laughs and ruffles your hair like “no need to cover it up. I knew this would provoke him” and you both look across the room where seokmin is standing alone, sipping on his drink as he pretends he wasn’t just looking at you dancing for the past ten minutes

The upbeat song transitions to a slower song and jeonghan pats you on the shoulder

“Here’s lover boy’s cue ;)))” and he bends down to your ear and whispers

“But I could stay here longer and mess around with him a little longer”

You push him away laughing and say “let’s not torture the poor guy any more than you already have”

Both of you are laughing and SURPRISE SEOKMIN APPEARS

and he claps his hand on hannie’s shoulder and says “May I?”

And jeonghan nods and looks between the both of you and is all ;)) have fun kiddos and winks at you right before he leaves

And now there were only 2

You didn’t realize you would be so nervous until your heartbeat nearly spiked up when he came into contact with you

DHHDHDJDJ SORRY IM FREAKING OUT WRITING THIS WOWIEURJ SCREAMS

It’s good I’m good we’re good this is good

His cheeks are tinted pink as he attempts but fails to make eye contact with you once again

He gently takes your hands and places them around his neck and then places his own around your waist

It’s only at this moment that you’re able to make proper eye contact for possibly the first time that entire day

You’re slowly moving to match the slow tempo and you can feel your face getting hotter in the heat of the moment

It stays intimate and silent for a few moments before the both of you try to break the silence

“Umm,,” “So,,,”

Androgen you laugh at how awkward you’re both getting

“This is probably the first time we’re not screaming for the whole area to hear”

He chuckles and nods slowly

“I think my breath is just taken away” he says so softly that the music could have drowned his voice out if it weren’t for the close proximity of you and him

and you’re like ??? By what??? Are you feeling ok??

“By you”

And you’re like bLUUUSSSSHHHing big time

“A-ah, stop it, I only tried to look a little more presentable today,,,,”

Jeonghan somewhere in the distance: that’s not what you told me this morning!!

“You always look beautiful no matter what”

And now you’re at a complete loss of words bc well how do you respond to your best friend who’s shooting compliments one after the other so easily????

You’re desperately trying not to melt into a puddle in his arms but it’s a little hard

“You’re charming as always, Lee” and he’s like ;)) ofc ofc

“You’re a good-looking fellow yourself, not just me. Have you seen the girls who were drooling over you today??”

He blankly blinks at you and shakes his head

“Well, I didn’t notice actually. All of my eyes were on you tonight,,,,,”

FUCUEHEYDH IM SCREWMJRN IM SC REA MIN F

You’re a full fledged tomato by now and you’re trying to bury your face in his chest so that you could save face from this horrid embarrassment

“Okay, tone it down, Seok,,,, I cant handle all of this complimenting for a night”

He laughs and pulls you closer to his chest, his grip on your waist a little more secure

“I don’t know where this is all coming from either, but now that it is, I might as well say it all”

“What was that drink earlier???”

“I swear I’m 100% sober rn ask soonyoung!! Anyways, I didn’t think much of anything when I first met you honestly, but looking back at it, I think there was already some bit of attraction since then”

“You liked me when I was eating chips and salsa??? Really???” You look up at him incredulously

“It may not be the most flattering moment, but it was cute how you were hunched over your bowl LOL”

You: lemme just DIE

“If Jeonghan weren’t your date today, I’m not sure if I would have ever realized this. Maybe at some point, but at a much later time. I think it would have consumed me anyways”

He notices you’ve gone quiet and he’s like oh lord what if I messed up omgofkfkkf

“So,,,, yeah,,, i get it if you don’t feel the same way,,, I don’t wanna make things weird if you’re uncomfortable knowing this,,, but it was made crystal clear tonight that I really like you more than a best friend. I think I always have”

And you’re breaking out into giggles bc you realize how dumb you’ve both been

And he’s like !!!???!!!! why are you laughing omg I’ve done it you think I’ve gone mad

“tbh Seokmin I was disappointed that you weren’t my date since you usually would fight the members if they asked me”

“I kinda thought maybe I’ve been forcing you to do it too much with me?? and the other guys and you can do whatever you want”

“Seokmin, we’re best friends i would have picked you in a heartbeat”

And he’s like skdjjdjh is it suddenly hot in here it’s just you ;)))

“But as for the feelings…… it is weird”

He’s like oh :((,,, yeah I knew it would be kinda weird—

“—that we’ve liked each other all this time and it took us this long to realize it through some dumb wedding date thing”

And his face immediately lights up and you’re about to clutch your heart by how pure he is :’))))

He almost blinds you with his smile and he pulls you in so that your slow dancing position turns into a hug and he’s giggling into your hair and is spinning you around

*INHALES DEEPLY* MY GOD SOMEONE PROTECT THIS PURE BUN IM GONNA CRY I LOVE HIM SM

You can't help but giggle with him since his laugh is so infectious and you’re both a bubbly giggling mess my lord I think I just got diabetes

Poor baby was deathly scared you were gonna reject him but he’s so relieved you didn’t!!! :’))))!!!!!!

He slowly pulls apart from the hug and you’re both looking at each other hesitantly, bashfully

and In The Moment all you’re thinking about is how warm and how right it feels to be in his arms

You’re both still in your hugging position, his arms wrapped around your upper back/shoulders and your arms around his torso

You’re a little out of breath because of all the laughing and spinning, and both his and your eyes flicker to the other’s lips

You’re not sure who leaned in first but the next thing you know, your faces are only centimeters apart, his hand on your cheek

And then you feel something warm and soft on your lips

Holy hELL, am I really kissing Seokmin???!!! You’re silently freaking out and it’s just like

Your brain: ⁉️⁉️‼️‼️⚠️⚠️⚠️

You can feel his smile against your lips as he lightly tugs you closer to him and engulfs you in his embrace

But your mind gets fuzzier with every passing second so you let yourself enjoy the moment

Until you hear distant cheering in the back

“yyyYYYEESSS WE DID IT BOYS FREAKING FI NA L L Y”

You and Seokmin pull away and look back like wtf is happening

Sure enough, the other 12 guys are whooping and cheering and you would have thought it was your own wedding

,,,,refer to husband!seokmin

Seokmin’s just like “wait y’all planned this???”

Jeonghan: ya it was so fun teasing you this past week lmao you’re welcome tho :))))

Seokmin: I’m gonna eat your share of ice cream for the next month :))))

And everyone’s just like “y’all literally took years to realize this you should thank us uhhh”

Seokmin’s about to open his mouth to spout out some more objections but you tiptoe to peck him on the lips to make him shut up

“eeeEW UGHH nvm I already regret doing this”

“Seungcheol I will eat your share of ice cream too”

On the ride back home, you’re both comfortably leaning on each other, your head on his chest and his on top of yours

You’re so worn out that you sleep the whole way back home

Bonus: the guys in the car are giggling softly and take secret pics

Extra bonus: they taunt you both and use it as blackmail but in reality they’re jealous and want you to use it as your phone wallpaper

Extra extra bonus: he gives you a goodnight kiss at the front of your door and the guys scream in disgust and hurry him to return home :’)))))

ICONIC COUPLE OF THE FREAKIFN CENTURY OH NY GODHD!!!!! I LOV!!!!! MY PURE CINNAMON ROLLS!!!!!

[stairset]

Since the series finale is coming up I wanna talk about all my absolute favorite Rebels episodes, in the order they aired bc ranking them would be so hard and I'm lazy, and why I love them because I feel like I owe it to a show that's been a huge part of my life for the last few years and was one of the things that got me through the nightmare that is the teenage years.

Rise of the Old Masters: I think every good show has that one great episode early on that just tells you "this is gonna be a good show, we have a plan" and gets you hooked, and I believe this was that episode for Rebels. Spark of Rebellion was a solid start, Droids in Distress and Fighter Flight were slower episodes to help you get to know the characters a bit more, and then this episode is, for lack of a better term, when shit started getting real. Ezra and Kanan's relationship starts developing, the Grand Inquisitor is introduced in person and makes a great first impression, we get some of our first major Clone Wars connections, etc. It also uses Yoda's famous "do or do not" line to deliver a nice message. "I'm not gonna TRY to teach you anymore. If all I do is try, that means I don't truly believe I can succeed, so from now on, I WILL teach you".

Path of the Jedi: Once again, Kanan and Ezra both have a lot of development here, both as a team and as individuals. The crazy visions that Ezra experiences were some of the darkest and most intense things in the show at the time, and Frank Oz guest appearing as Yoda's voice and Ezra finally constructing his own lightsaber are both great crowd pleasing moments. It also happens to be the first appearance of the world between worlds, though neither Ezra or the audience realized it at the time, which just goes to show how far back the writers planned everything out.

Call To Action: Tarkin makes his debut and calls out our other villains on their relative incompetence throughout the season, even going so far as to, erm, make an example of two of them, and succeeds where they have failed, even capturing Kanan in the process. Despite the cliffhanger, it's a bittersweet ending as the crew does succeed in their mission to deliver a message of hope to Lothal and the surrounding systems. This is where the stakes start to raise, and it shows.

Fire Across the Galaxy: Ending the first season with a bang, the crew rescues Kanan on Tarkin's star destroyer above Mustafar, the stolen TIE from Fighter Flight actually ends up being relevant, the Grand Inquisitor is sent off in the perfect way, the crew joins with Pheonix Squadron, giving us our earliest look at the growing rebellion, and of course the moment everyone remembers, the reintroduction to Ahsoka Tano, and her former master not long after. It was the perfect way to end the first season while getting everyone hyped for the next.

The Siege of Lothal: Everyone was absolutely hyped for the season 2 premiere and it did not disappoint. While many worried that Vader would be toned down for the show, he proved to be as threatening as ever, outsmarting our heroes time and again, kicking Kanan and Ezra's asses, and putting his pilot skills to use by taking on the entirety of Pheonix Squadron himself. And of course there's the unforgettable scene where he and Ahsoka sense each other and James Earl Jones delivers the iconic, bone chilling line "the apprentice lives".

Stealth Strike: This episode was just fun, plain and simple. Kanan and Rex's bickering, Ezra's interactions with Sato, it was all hilarious and entertaining. It was sweet seeing Kanan and Rex finally start getting along, and it also happens to be one of the few times Commander Sato played a major role in an episode. Despite Sato's fairly minor role in the show I always liked him, so seeing him in the action with the lead characters was nice.

The Future of the Force: The Inquisitors are after force sensitive children to ensure that they don't grow up to become Jedi, and it's up to Ezra, Kanan, Zeb and Ahsoka to stop them. Kanan, Ezra and Zeb having to get out of the apartment building with the Inquisitors hot on their trail was intense and lead to an entertaining chase through town, and it all culminated in the elic fight between Ahsoka and the Inquisitors where we see her brandish her white lightsabers for the first time. The episode also serves as a bit of a continuation of the Clone Wars season 2 premiere, in which Sidious hires Cad Bane to help carry out a very similar plot.

Legacy: The episode starts off intense with the Empire attacking the Rebels at their current location after Ezra accidentally gave it away in the previous episode, while the rest is much slower, as Ezra follows a trail of force breadcrumbs to Ryder Azadi, from whom he finally learns the tragic fate of his parents. I think I speak for a lot of people when I expected him to reunite with them, so the revelation of their deaths was a bit of a shocker, and Ezra's reaction, his vison of being with them on a better Lothal, and Kanan's statement that they'll live on in him were all beautifully tearjerking.

Shroud of Darkness: Even though this episode basically exists for the purpose of setting up the season finale, it still stands on its own as a fan favorite, and rightfully so. Our Jedi Trio of Ezra, Kanan and Ahsoka see lots of cool, trippy visions in the Lothal temple, including the Grand Inquisitor and the revelation of his backstory, the return of Frank Oz as Yoda (this time face to face), and of course Ahsoka getting confirmation that Vader really is her old master, with Matt Lanter reprising his role. The episode also has a number of iconic shots, including the temple guard avatars surrounding the Inquisitors, Ahsoka seeing Yoda in an homage to The Last Crusade, and Vader entering the Lothal temple at the end to meet with his Inquisitors in person.

Thhe Mystery of Chopper Base: A rather straight forward adventure, featuring the crew having to rescue Rex from some creepy ass spider creatures. Like Stealth Strike, this episode is simply fun. It's got so many great interactions between our main crew. But there's also a lingering feeling of dread throughout because, because you know there gonna be separated soon and that something's gonna go wrong because, well, it's Star Wars. It leads into the season finale perfectly.

Twilight of the Apprentice: We all remember this one. We all remember our exact reactions to everything in it. Maul is introduced, Ezra starts being tempted by the dark side, the Inquisitors are all killed off, Kanan is blided, and of course Ahsoka and Vader have their climactic duel that was built up for the whole season and did not disappoint, and the last minute or so simply showing the aftermath of everything that happened as “It’s All Over” plays is so effective with absolutely no dialogue. Not only that, but, and I’ve said this before, this episode is also the point where all the big parts of the timeline directly come together. In this episode, Rebels, Clone Wars, the prequels, the originals and even the sequels are all directly connected in a way that they never were before, and it’s not until a later episode that they’re all connected on that same level again. This episode, and subsequently the whole show, is the fulcrum of the Star Wars saga.

The Holocrons of Fate: Maul makes his return and has his sights set on both the Sith holocron from Malachor and Kanan’s Jedi holocron so that he can combine their power to learn any knowledge he desires. This leads to our mind-blowing climax in which Maul learns through the light of the holocrons that Obi-wan is still alive and sets off to find him, while Ezra sees a vision of twin suns, also pointing to Obi-wan, albeit in a less direct way. While the whole episode is entertaining the ending is truly what sets its place as one of the best simply because of the epic factor.

The Last Battle: This episode is simply a half hour of pure unadultered Clone Wars nostalgia and I loved every goddamn second of it. Everything from the battle of Christophsis soundtrack to the return of the droid humor from tcw to General Kalani from the Onderon arc being there to the heroes having to team up with the droids thanks to Ezra being the voice of reason and making them realize they were all just pawns for Palpatine and he is their true enemy, and the yellow Clone Wars style title card at the end with the Clone Wars theme playing during the credits, it’s just a giant love letter to the entire Clone Wars fanbase, a thank you for helping the crew get where they are today. It shows how much they truly appreciate their fans, which shouldn’t be a rare thing with content creators but it is.

An Inside Man: I have a sorta complicated relationship with Agent Kallus, who I guess isn’t an agent anymore but that’s beside the point. I don’t like him that much as I feel his redemption arc could’ve been handled much better and he could’ve done more to earn it, which I’ve talked about before. Yet despite this, I love not only this episode but another Kallus centered episode later on that I’ll get to. This whole episode is intense and excited. Mister Sumar, a minor character from season 1, is reintroduced only to be brutally killed by Thrawn, seeting the stakes for the episode, and establishing Thrawn as an effective villain. While Thrawn’s episodes before this one were more about him simply studying the heroes from behind the scenes, this is the point where he starts taking direct action against the heroes, and does it damn well. He figures out all their tricks that all the Imperials before him overlooked, and Kanan and Ezra only barely get out.

Visions and Voices: Maul returns once again to finish his mind connection with Ezra, leading to the return to Dathomir where the ghosts of the Nightsisters serve as the Guest Appearance Of The Week and posess Kanan and Sabine in rather creepy ways, Ezra also discovers Obi-wan is alive while Maul finds out where he’s hiding, and of course Sabine gets her hands on the darksaber. Like Shroud of Darkness this episode exists just to set up a climactic fight in a later episode, but still stands on it’s own.

Trials of the Darksaber/Legacy of Mandalore: I put these together because they’re basically a two-parter and because I love them for largely the same reasons. These were the first Sabine episodes where she finally got some real, major development as a character. Previous Sabine centered episode seemed to all follow the pattern of “have some dialogue hinting at her backstory that we give away in the sneak peeks then no other answers” and it was frustrating because beyond that those episodes were solid episode, but the way they kept promoting them to be bigger than they were did effect my enjoyment of them at the time. These episode finally resolve that problem and give us payoff to all those hints, and boy was that payoff satisfying. We get the backstory of the darksaber, Sabine training, we’re finally introduced to her family, and the final battle between Sabine and Gar Saxon is simply epic.

Through Imperial Eyes: This is the other Kallus episode that I love despite my “meh” opinion of the character. The banter between Kallus and Ezra is very entertaining to watch, Kallus’s plan for framing Liste as the traitor to keep his cover is very clever, though obviously not clever enough to fool Thrawn, who once again proves to be a great villain and shows that he can hold his own in a physical fight, and of course Yularen appearing was cool.

Twin Suns: The long awaited final showdown between Obi-wan and Maul, who actually finally dies for good, like is really, seriously, legit, for real, in actuality, finally permanently dead, deceased, lifeless, killed, devoid of life, sleeping with the fishes, an ex-person. At first I was in the crowd of people who were like “what the fuck” at how quick he went out, but in analysis I wouldn’t have it any other way. It shows how much Obi-wan has wisened over the years whereas Maul never learned, never changed, and tried the same thing he did on Qui-Gon, and it proved to be his final downfall. The way Obi-wan holds Maul’s body in his arms the same way he did with both Qui-Gon and Satine so many years before, and shows sadness and pity that it couldn’t have turned out differently is absolutely beautiful and heartbreaking. The cartoons made Maul such an interesting character, and cemented him as one of my favorite villains, and I couldn’t ask for a better conclusion to this decades old rivalry.

Zero Hour: While not as mind blowing as the previous season’s finale, Zero Hour is still and intense and action packed way to conclude the season. We see the end of Pheonix Squadron and the beginnings of then true Rebel Alliance, Sato gets an epic and heroic send off, the fight in space with Ezra and the Mandos is epic, the Bendu gives us a glimpse of his true power, and Thrawn is as great a villain as ever. The whole thing is simply epic.

In The Name of the Rebellion: We finally saw the Rebel Alliance on Yavin 4 in all its glory, Saw makes a return and, as I said when the episodes first aired, I believe the Moral Ambiguity with his character, while still not perfect, was handled better here than in Ghosts of Geonosis, but i don’t feel like repeating myself so just look the post up if you haven’t read it already. Anyway Saw’s interactions with Ezra and Sabine were a lot of fun to watch, like if we’re still giving everyone space fmaily nicknames then Saw is like the slightly crazed but still kinda cool uncle in this episode. All the connections to Rogue One were a ton of fun to piece together, and it was great to finally see a giant kyber crystal that’s actually fully animated. Also Jennifer Hale was in it so that’s pretty neat.

Flight of the Defender: A very simple and straight forward episode. Ezra and Sabine steal the TIE defender prototype, they crash it and hide the hyperdrive, we meet the white lothwolf who helps them get back to their friends. I can’t even really explain why I like this one so much tbh, but I do.

Jedi Night/DUMJE: We all know why these episodes are here. I couldn’t ask for a more epic and heartbreaking send off for Kanan’s character, and I’m glad that they dedicated the entire following episode to showing how the rest of the cast deals with their grief in different way rather than glossing over it and immediately moving on to the Mortis stuff. It’s surprisingly rare for characters to get to properly grieve in this franchise despite death being so common. Obi-wan, Galen, Han, Luke, the entire population of Alderaan, the other characters have to get over these things pretty quickly so it’s nice to see a more realistic aftermath for once.

Wolves and a Door/A World Between Worlds: I’ve made my thoughts on these episodes very clear since they aired on Monday, which is that they are quite possibly the most mind blowing thing I’ve watched in a very long time. The connections to Mortis and callbacks to all the movies and to Clone Wars, the voices in the background, the beautifully animated moving pictures, the return of Ahsoka and the revelation of what happened to her, Sidious making his debute with Ian McDiarmid himself providing the voice, it’s all incredible to watch. Like I said about Twilight of the Apprentice, this episode is one of the few times where we get an idea of just how connected everything really is, that it’s all one big story. No wonder the two episodes are also so tightly connected to each other, they truly are where all the parts of the saga come together in ways they never could otherwise.

[sunflowerchester]

please tell me what you thought!! I'm not worried about spoilers, i already know what happened, i'm gonna see it in a few days and i'm so psyched! tell me all your thoughts please!!!

I am so charged up about this movie I don’t even know where to fucking start!!! I guess I’ll start with my initial Twitter rant bc GODDDAAAAMMMMNNNN!

Here’s some non-spoilery things about the movie for those who don’t want to be spoiled:

Mother! is a horror movie for every woman whose pain was ever used & romanticized to further a man’s personal growth.

Mother! is a horror movie for women who have invested and fallen in love with a selfish man.

Mother! is a horror movie for women who feel the constant suffocating entitlement of the patriarchy.

Mother! is a horror movie for women who feel they’ve been constantly taken advantage of and are demonized for daring to speak up about it.

Mother! is a horror movie version of The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. (And I said this BEFORE I saw this tweet by the director 😍)

Mother! is a horror movie for any woman who was only valued as a cure for a man’s pain instead of valued as a full, human person.

Mother! is a horror movie for women who were treated like IRL manic pixie dream girls and then tossed aside like garbage. 

Also I found it able to tap into horrors of being a woman that were subtle and specific in a slightly Get Out kind of way, imho. I felt very understood in many ways even as I was being horrified by what I was seeing. 

Below are some spoilery things:

The movie opens with a woman burning, a tear falling down her face, and then her turning to ash. Javier Bardem sets a gem stone on a stand and then a beautiful home surrounded by nature appears out of the ashes. I knew as soon as Javier Bardem’s character sat that gem on the mantel and the scene turned to Jennifer Lawrence appearing out of the ashes in bed that that is where the movie would end, and it would end with another girl in her place. 

AND IT DID. For a bit there at the end, I was wondering where it was headed because of the chaos, and I nearly forgot about the gem itself, but then we ended right where I expected. What I didn’t forsee was what the gem was made of: it was the last thing that Bardem’s character could squeeze out of his previous lover before she turned to ash, something beautiful that he could put on display before he started it all over again with someone new. 

GOD-FUCKING-DAMN

This movie is about a woman who gives all of herself (physically, literally, spiritually, emotionally, horrifically) to a man because she loves him, because it is expected, because she thinks he will view it as love, and it is never enough. He never stops taking from her, not even when there are literal mobs in their home tearing the physical house apart, stealing their belongings. At one point an actual war spills into their house and she barely escapes with the life of herself and the child she is about to give birth to. When she begs her husband to send these people away, he refuses because they stroke his ego. 

I don’t think the chaos of the previous 10 minutes of the film before she asks this question nor her struggle through them were literal but rather a representation of how it feels to be in her position, where she’s tried everything to be enough for this man for as long as she has been with him, rebuilt his house by hand, made it a home, served all his guests and fans without complaint, and even carried his child. She finally started believing with her pregnancy that she was going to win him over and be with just him, that this would be the key to finally meeting that standard of enough, but that was never who he was ever going to be for her, even as a father. And when she realizes, at 8 months pregnant, that his true love is still himself, his writing, and his fans, despite his child growing in her womb, she felt her world slip. The insanity of the the wars, the executions, the mobs in the house weren’t real but that’s how it felt. Her world was crumbling and she’d never regain any control again. 

In the end he even invites his fans to hold their baby and the baby ends up dying. It’s horrific and disgusting, and what does he say to her? He tells her that it can be something beautiful and encourages her to forgive, that there is nothing more beautiful than forgiveness, so they must. As if she doesn’t have rights to feeling ugliness in the face of losing her child. I felt suffocated myself by this immediately invalidation of even the most understandable and vulnerable of feelings. 

There are other moments like this throughout the movie where Jennifer Lawrence’s character is trying to speak up and voice her needs but it’s like shouting into a pillow as she asks politely and reasonably. No one listens or seems to care, especially not her husband. He seems to only placate her lovingly when he can tell she needs to feel he’s heard her, but he never really does or cares to try to actually listen to her. This last time, when she is weeping about her son being murdered by the people he allowed into their house, is the last straw and she calls the people around her what they are: MURDERERS. And because she finally yells and screams at them, they beat the everloving shit out of her and call her names like whore and bitch and cunt, etc etc. 

So she makes her way down to the furnace and burns the fucker down. GIRL YES BURN THAT BITCH TO THE GROUND.

And yet after the explosion that incinerates it all, guess who is intact and who is charred to the bone. Javier Barden, completely complete, carries Jennifer Lawrence, a burned, scaley version of herself, through the rubble of the house. She can’t understand how he is able to do this when she and everything she built is destroyed. 

She asks, “What are you?” He replies, “I am life.” She asks, ”What am I?” He replies, “You are home.”

You don’t have to be sexualized to still be objectified and if this isn’t exactly the damaging dynamic in so many male/female relationships, I don’t know what is. He is what life is and she is where he gets to live. Does she have her own life, her own plans, her own goals, her own space? It doesn’t matter, she exists to house him. 

She asks, “Where are you taking me?”He replies, “To the beginning.”

He lays her on the charred bed and tells her there is one more thing he needs from her. She says she has nothing left to give. He says that isn’t true, he wants her love. She relents. “Take it.” He digs physically into her abdomen and pulls something bloody and charred out. Jennifer Lawrence’s character turns to ash and the mess in Javier Bardem’s character’s hands turns into a gem. He marvels at how beautiful a thing it is, the only thing left of his lover. He doesn’t grieve that she is nothing but a pile of ash now, he sets the gem up where the old one once sat and the opening scene repeats with a new girl waking in their bed, signifying that this is what this man does to women and what he will continue to do. He doesn’t learn his lesson or change because he doesn’t value the women he is with enough to see their pain as destruction. Instead, he only sees it for how it can benefit him.

She is ash. He is whole. A parasite going from woman to woman. 

To me, one of the scariest elements of this movie is that Javier Bardem’s character himself isn’t really that scary, he’s not a horror. He’s even sweet sometimes, albeit neglectful af. What’s smart and unfortunately really relatbale about this is it makes him seem like (if not a good guy at least) an okay guy. He’s not evil. She doesn’t befall this horrible fate because he is malicious. It’s a Nice Guy who just wants to Create something Beautiful. But in the process he fucking destroys and sucks the entire life out of the woman he is supposed to love with no remorse at all. There are so many fucking men out there who do this very thing to every woman they are with, emotionally and mentally. Sometimes physically, too, but that’s easier to pinpoint. The horror of Javier Bardem in Mother! is that he could be and really kind of is many of the men we will come in contact with. 

(Bro I know I’ve fallen in love with and had this done to me by one ALREADY)

My thoughts on how this movie has been received:

What blows my MIND is that large groups of people DO NOT GET this movie and I think it’s because it is largely and almost exclusively a fundamental female experience. There are whole hot takes and think pieces trying to figure out HMMM WHAT IS THIS MOVIE ABOUT???? when like…to me, it was obvious and direct in my opinion. I’m not trying to be a bitch about it, like I’m smarter than everyone. I understand that I get it because it’s for me, it’s about a female perspective, but to say it’s about nothing is ASININE. Which many of them are saying. 

If you don’t like the way this movie told its story, that’s fine and fair. We all have different tastes. But if you don’t get the message and therefore want to criticize what it’s trying to say because you think it was pointless, maybe THINK AGAIN. It didn’t fail because you PERSONALLY don’t get it. It maybe just means that there are other experiences in this world and you’re lucky enough to have never had to understand what this movie is saying, the feelings it evokes in many viewers, or the horrors it represents for them. And most likely never will.  If the movie is just not for you I GET THAT bc damn it was rough, IT WAS HARD, it was awful. But it wasn’t about nothing. If you didn’t see the point, be thankful.

There were some think pieces analyzing it and coming to the conclusion that it was about global warming and the Catholic church, which there was definitely some imagery for but that for SURE was not the POINT. If you thought Mother! was just about taking on the Catholic Church while identifying the other ‘weird’ stuff in it as just ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ you MAY be ignoring the literal title character of the movie & her entire emotional journey throughout the whole thing. 

Which, SHOCKER, is like… the point of the entire movie. 

Good job I GUESS. But you still missed point by proving it. 

I mean, I get it, make it about whatever resonates with you, but it is undeniably about a fundamentally female experience. No wonder it’s being overlooked. "Gee what could this movie entitled ‘Mother!’ be about? Should we look at the mother character in the movie?? OR HOW ABOUT we just dive into the symbolism surrounding the woman instead while ignoring her completely.“ 👍🏻

To me it seemed any side-symbolism in that movie was to promote the dynamic of her giving all she was & him feeding off of it. Including any messianic imagery. As a smart, smart friend of mine said, “Men will of course deify themselves all the time.” That’s EXACTLY what the religious imagery was about, about Javier Bardem’s character living out his desire to be a god to his fans for his own ego, so deep that he let them devour his own child. It was about the church but it was only in service TO EMPHASIZE HOW HE CONSUMES HER AND WHAT SHE HAS GIVEN. Like… LORD help me. (No pun intended.)

I cannot believe a horror film about a female experience is so baffling for people to understand when we’re half the people out there. “WHAT IS IT ABOUT?????” It’s about what she’s showing you it’s about. PAY ATTENTION!! 

But how poetic (ew gross) that many people who don’t get it write it off. It’s the same reason so often women are not believed and their experiences are questioned. No wonder women feel LIKE NO ONE LISTENS.

It’s like there are people looking directly at this movie screen and seeing a blank black box for 75% of it. And here I am screaming into a pillow.

This is not to say that Mother! doesn’t take on many things, it does. There is a lot to unpack and it would be unfair of me to say there is only one way to read it. Of course there isn’t, and many parts are going to resonate with different people for different reasons. With that being said, though, to anyone trying to make the point of this movie about anything other than the experience of the female lead character, remember the gemstone and the burning woman at the beginning of the film, and then at the end. It is bookended this way for a reason. This is about the pattern of a man and how it affects the women he chooses to be with. This is about a woman who loves a selfish man who unapologetically lives selfishly and what it does to her to be in his life. 

It’s metaphors, it’s symbolism, obviously it’s hyperbolic, but it’s still REAL👏🏻AS👏🏻FUCK👏🏻.

[tofnew]

A VERY CRAPPY BUT EXCITED SHINEE WORLD V IN DALLAS FAN ACCOUNT

honestly i dont even really know how to begin this like??? i feel like i have so much to say it was just the best day of my Entire Ugly Life. im so honored i really am it was just the most beautiful experience ever nd also so funny lkafsfsa i can’t wait to share with you !! 

so first off: the Boys 

onew: i,,, i honestly cant believe such a human exists he was so beautiful i really couldnt take my eyes off of him (duh) and surprise surprise i cried so much seeing him. i was seeing my 1of1 in the Flesh yet again but this time i was much closer!! he came to my side a lot nd thank u @ god for this smiling tofu. he really just made me smile so much my face started to hurt. I LOVE HIM WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING I WAS A MESS THE ENTIRE EVENING 

jonghyun: yall his pictures dont do him justice he is STUNNING in person and i really mean that. it was so amazing to be able to witness him up close this time. when i was at the fanmeet i was in p2 but this time i was p1!! he no joke is such a smol bub its so cute kafdsafsa. THE BIGGEST CUTIE 

minho: tol. tol. tol. tol. sO TOL. i mean holy moly those legs went on for DAYS my friends. he never stopped smiling the entire show i just,,, he loves us so much and it shows! he made so many cute gestures nd teased key all night i Lov it

key: THE MOST BEAUTIFUL. THE MOST STUNNING. THE MOST ETHEREAL. but ofc thats to be expected by my mom. honestly he was serving so many looks and to see his cute dimples up close was such a treat. ALSO HIS ENGLISH MAKES MY HEART FUZZY EVERY TIME 

taemin: the most handsome meme to ever walk the earth! he’s actually shorter in person which was interesting to me but boi he has Long Legs. when he came back out in the 2nd to last segment with those black pants i was Shook. he didnt talk too much bc he was SO shy but i found it very endearing. jong kept poking at him like “we should make taemin say ___” aljlfkdsafda he looked like he was ready to Pounce him 

so they started with hitchhiking nd we were Ready ok like im not even sure you could hear the bg music bc of all the screaming it was insane. right when i saw taemin waltzing out i was at my feet screaming at my favorite meme !! god, their live voices are just too hard to explain. it feels like a warm hug if that makes sense 

JULIETTE GUYS J.U.L.I.E.T.T.E  JFDAS aka shinee’s top bop. i was banging so hard and key’s solo break dance was iconic. @ sm ent when will you stop sleeping on key’s talent???? it was incredible you could really tell they enjoyed performing that song 

when prism started playing my lungs were set on fire. i was ready for key’s ass shake nd my phone was out but the security chic was so annoying about it and right when his move was about to come up she was like “you cant have that out” ….. i WAS TWO SECONDS AWAY FROM RECORDING IT. lmao whatever she didnt catch me recording sherlock (—: 

REPLAY MADE ME SOB END OF STORY 

as youve guys have probably already seen because its EVERYWHERE key’s gucci clothes got burned nd i was laughing so hard i was choking. he was just like “funny story right? ////:” HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN TO A PERSON but tbh his new outfit was a+++ king of wearing good clothes

i mean look @ it he was wearing a shawol colored suit Amazing. nd those heals… just kick me in the head??? 

yall knew i was gonna talk about sherlock. me: cried the entire song ((((: i was waiting for it tbh like i knew the line up of the songs so i was Ready when i heard that BRRrrRrRRRRRrrrr. i felt like i was the only one doing the chant it made me sad but im sure lots of others did it i just didnt hear!! i was yelling so much ik those girls next to me were annoyed. when onew did That Thing where he body rolls ajlfdsafdsa saved my entire 2017. 

hi this ended me: 

I DIDNT GET TO HEAR WHAT HE WAS SAYING BC THERE WERE SO MANY PEOPLE SCREAMING (relatable) buT ISNT THIS JUST THE CUTEST THING LAFDSA HE MAKES ME SO HAPPY I LOVE HIM MORE THAN ANYBODY. this was jongyu’s talking segment when the others got changed!! jong lovs onew so much he just smiled at him the entire time 

taemin’s goodbye stage i…i dont even know how to say this bc there are no words to described how i feel. like i was so immersed in his performance that i forgot to wave my lightstick. i just couldnt stop staring at him??? some people were born to perform nd that person was lee taemin. that high note took me There 

minho is the new dancing machine taemin is Cancelled (no jk aljfsda) but for real his dance break in lucifer was so hype! i wish i could have gotten a video of it but that security lady was out to get me istg. if you see it watch it !! 

ALSO WHEN MINHO WAS ON MY SIDE HE WAVED AT ME AND MY SECTION I AJLFDS HIS SMILE CURED MY ACNE IT WAS INCREDIBLE. I WAS TOO SLOW GETTING MY PHONE OUT HE WAS ALREADY GONE BUT IT HAPPENED OK 

jong was v close too hes so beautiful and has crisp golden skin i…

omg jongyu’s duet… to hear it in the flesh… it was like their voices were made for one another. they both had their eyes closed and were so into it like that was more beautiful than a new born puppy. god i just want to keep hearing it over and over again

MY FAVORITE PART OF THE WHOLE ENTIRE SHOW WAS taemin was talking about, you know, how he was feeling about the show and being in dallas again nD KEY BROUGHT BACK UP THE DAMN GUCCI CLOSES BURNING nd taemin went “we aren’t talking about that” I LAUGHED SO HARD I SNORTED AND OFC TAEMIN WAS TOO. he’s such a little shit jklafsda

ONEW FELL DURING READY OR NOT HE WAS SO EXCITED AND HYPED ND HE FELL I WAS LIKE !!!!! I WAS ABOUT TO PRESS LIFE ALERT. my sweet babu he was just having the time of his Life. lajkfsa i was scared when he was on top of the metal stand spinning i was just asking god to protect his Clumsy Ass  

key tried to trick me with that “i know my english is…” YOU JUST WANT TO BE PRAISED HUSH ALFSLJ I WILL PRAISE YOU 

taemin’s little shimmy butt shake in 1of1 is so cute i cant believe i witnessed that in person. also onew smiled so much too i kljfdsafda !!! 

SELENE 6.23 WAS SO POWERFUL I FELT MY SOUL BEING RENEWED. JONGHYUN’S VOICE IS NOT A LIE TALK ABOUT A POWERFUL MAN 

now you KNOW my ass caught on camera onew spinning his microphone stand during dream girl. i never whipped out my phone faster. HIS ARMS WERE SO TONED I WANT HIM TO WHACK ME IN THE HEAD WITH IT

youre probably asking yourself “did mich Die during sherlock” nd the answer to that kids is yes… yes i did 

also jongkey is Confirmed. literally every single time key opened his mouth jonghyun just laughed his head off and slapped his knee. hes such a good bf!! 

the most visual bfs 

jonghyun said that he loved our energy!! he said that the reason they were trying so hard for us was because of it and he wanted us to have a good show. well jong congrats i had the best evening of my entire 19 years of living on this god forsaken planet

TAEMIN STRUGGLED SO MUCH TRYING TO INTRODUCE THE NEW SONG AND HE GOT SO FLUSTERED IT WAS SO ADORABLE IM PROUD OF HIM

no shocker here but i cried my eyes out during an encore. all the boys lit up when they saw the banners and onew closed his eyes and swayed back and forth smiling. it just makes me happy bc shinee really loves us so much 

i have like 1905233 pics of onew doing his windmill but look at him Go!! he’s doing That 

at the end they were all saying their goodbyes and telling us how much they enjoyed us and dallas! i think it was either jong or key but they said they definitely want to come back so you know my annoying ass will be there again to see shining shinee. ALSO THEY SAID TO EXPECT GREAT MUSIC SOON SO YALL KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS. they bowed to us and thats when the tears started happening again. it truly was such a magical evening and im so sad that it has already ended. i cant wait to see you boys again! please stay safe and healthy for the rest of 2017 and on!! 

[biancagarciacruz-blog]

15 Filipinas On Why They Need Birth Control, The Contraceptive Ban And Why It’s Stupid

Unless you haven’t heard, The Supreme Court has issued a TRO (temporary restraining order) on contraceptives in 2015. At first, they were only covering Implanon and other implants. It was later expanded to cover pills, injectables, intrauterine devices, vaginal rings, and other brands. Slowly but surely, oral contraceptives have been disappearing off the shelves of drug stores and health centres, including my brand, with the great possibility of them disappearing forever in about three years.

If The Supreme Court has it’s way, we Filipinos will only be left with two options: condoms and “Family Planning”. For my readers abroad or anyone who simply doesn’t know, “Family Planning” basically means ABSTINENCE. Yes, they are basically asking us to abstain from sex, which by the way is one our basic human needs. Because fuck science, right? 

Personally, I am outraged. I am outraged because The Supreme Court refuses to look at the country’s real problems, like overpopulation and immense poverty. They are so focused on turning a blind eye on the real issues only because [Insert Bible verse here]. We are sorry (no, we’re really not), but that will never be a good enough excuse. Wake up, guys! What year is it? People are definitely having sex and birth control is ABSOLUTELY NOT only about having sex. Oh my god, what a shocker. Let me give you 15 Filipinas On Why They Need Birth Control, The Contraceptive Ban And Why It’s Stupid.

First thing’s first:

SIGN THE PETITION HERE

“I am currently using trust pills. It's cheap as hell, does the job, and it’s the only one I have tried so far that doesn't make me feel awful side effects like headaches and nausea. My partner and I were alarmed by this TRO on contraceptives as we're both not ready to have kids yet and let's be real, we're both consenting adults in a committed relationship. We're having sex responsibly. I take the pill for my peace of mind. I like having the choice of deciding when to have kids. We've decided to hoard on pills and hope this TRO will be lifted soon enough.” 

-Koko

“I am absolutely furious. This will directly affect my health as I do take Yasmin for a number of things. One, to balance my hormones, because I suffer from hormonal imbalance, which affects my skin, my mood, my hair, my appetite, and much more. Two, I use it to avoid unwanted pregnancy, because I cannot afford more than one child. I feel very violated that a bunch of lawmakers could even think of interfering with women’s health rights. My next move would probably be to buy contraceptives abroad. I will definitely not allow these idiots to control my body.” 

-Anonymous

“I use Diane birth control pills, and I take it because my ob-gyn diagnosed me with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). Apparently, it's like an epidemic now, and many young women have it, as it's linked to stress, which I really am. That's my main reason for using it, because without it, I get really crazy hormone imbalance, crazy weight gain/loss, and I skip my periods months at a time, but sometimes bleed for months at a time. I don't really use it for actual contraception uses but, sure, why not? [If] bringing BC in from abroad [becomes] illegal, I have no idea how I'm going to survive.” 

-Meriela

“In transition from male to female, you are to take two medications, estrogen and anti-androgen. Estrogen pills are very difficult to find so we substitute it with birth control pills, which has estrogen content in it. Anti androgen is by prescription but unfortunately gender doctors are not available in the country due to laws. Contraceptives are the only alternative for us to transition until we are able to finance ourselves to buy our medications abroad, which is quite expensive. Banning contraceptives here in the Philippines is taking away the freedom of us transgender being able to transition and express who we are. Not only that, it is taking away freedom of women the choice of what happens in her body. The only way for me to be able to transition is if I move to other countries to continue my medication. Transgender people will no longer be able to transition of contraception is not allowed in the Philippines.” 

-Ish

**As a former fashion student that has been in fashion school for more than three years, I’ve had the pleasure and privilege of having such a wide array of people with different genders and sexualities around me, including transgender women. The talk of birth control and injections for their transition was a normal, everyday conversation for us. I really can’t explain why it took me a couple of days to even realize that they too will be greatly affected by the TRO. Now, it comforts me to know that we have more beautiful souls to fight for the right to our own bodies.

“Pills have changed my life. For almost a year, I’ve been in and out of the hospital (monthly) because of my ovarian cysts. Antibiotics and other medication have been given to me but they would just cure the cysts for a certain amount of time, then the cysts would still come back. But when I decided to ask for a third opinion from my third OB, she asked me to take Dianne pills for 3 months. I tried it and goodbye cysts for almost a year now.” 

-Shin

“For years, I have always been irregular with my menstrual cycle. After getting checked, my doctor told me I have PCOS and that I needed to take birth control pills. It took me three different brands (roughly six months) to finally find the pill with barely any side effects. Finding out about the TRO made me sick to my gut. Most pro-life groups argue that there are "natural" ways to treat PCOS, and trust me, I've tried doing that already. I was on metformin, and I changed my lifestyle. However, nothing made me feel more in control, less anxious and less worrisome than the pill I'm taking now. I think working with the government to lift this TRO is the first step. I know that they agreed for a public hearing, so all efforts must be geared towards that. My last move is to talk to my doctors for alternatives because I'm hopeful that we can do something about it!”

 -Ekay

“Ayy, that’s basically preventing Filipina transgender women, like myself, from their transition. We, the transgender community, don’t even get any support from the government to begin with and now they even dare to take away our pills! Worst comes to worst, I’m just going to order hormones from Thailand.” 

-Yuko

“As a student nurse, I would go and visit communities and talk to pregnant women, mothers, and families. I was distraught by their lack of knowledge with sex and reproductive health. To have a community of people,  men and women who are not used to using condoms and did not undergo proper sex education. What happens to women if you take away the only contraceptive they are using or the only contraceptive that works for them? As a woman, I should have rights that protect myself from the closed minded sectors of this country like the government, religious groups, and the church. Although I have respect for the religious communities and the church, they must understand that not everyone has the same belief system and values as them and the way I live my life should be my choice. I am using birth control pills and my reason for using the pills is that I have a boyfriend, we are sexually active and I do not want to get pregnant. [If it gets banned permanently,] one option would be to get an injection in another country when I travel but also my boyfriend would always use a condom.” 

-China

**Just to get a clear picture on how bad it really is here in the Philippines, the same student nurse told me about the one time when she and her co-students were demonstrating how to properly use a condom to a local community. To demonstrate this, they used their thumb as the penis and used the condom accordingly. A few weeks later, they got a complain from a couple in the said community. They were upset that they have been using the condoms just to find out that the girlfriend was pregnant. The nurses later found out that they have been using condoms, except they were using them on their thumbs. 

“I’ve been on oral contraceptives for the past 6 years, and every time I had to take a short break from them, all the symptoms that came with my PCOS (month long periods, irregular cycles, extremely painful cramps, acne, mood swings, insecurity, etc.) would start up again. As a Filipina, who is very dependent on birth control, to hear that there is a TRO on contraceptives is absolutely horrifying. It shouldn’t matter if a woman uses BC because she wants to have safe sex, or if someone like me needs to take BC to regulate her period and be able to do the simplest things and not have deal with the inconvenience and pain of irregular periods. 1 out of 5 women in the world have PCOS, and each one differs in symptoms, so I can only imagine how many women have worse symptoms than mine and really do need the pills just to be able to do regular things.” 

-Maji

“Since we, my boyfriend and I, do not use condoms, I drink contraceptive pills as an alternative. We do not like using condoms because we feel less every time we do. I actually do not know [what I’m going to do about it]. Abstain, maybe? Or take extra precautions when it comes to having sex. It's going to be hard though. This is why I believe that the TRO is unnecessary. It's like taking hope away from people. We just want to be sexually free, you know?” 

-AA

Ladies (and gentlemen), now is the time to act! Please make your voice heard, educate those around you, share the petition, and get our bodies back!

[all-seeing-ifer]

this is probably going to end up being yet another post where I attempt to articulate what little women 2019 means to me as an aroace gal and it just ends up being complete fucking word salad (which i mean. that’s at least half my posts at this point) but I’ve just been thinking a lot about it recently. That short period of time right after the film came out around the end of 2019/beginning of 2020, when the film was still part of the cultural zeitgeist, as it were.

(REST OF THE POST UNDER CUT BECAUSE SHOCKER THIS TURNED OUT TO BE COMPLETE FUCKING WORD SALAD)

I was mostly thinking about it in a very nostalgic way, particularly how around january 2020 I felt like there was such a burst of aro/ace people who found themselves really connecting with jo and were talking about that and talking about how good it felt to see someone feasibly like them on screen and making content about it and I feel like that’s really died down in the year since it came out and obviously that’s just naturally what happens with Big Popular Films but the bottom line is. I’m still Here for special interest reasons and also bc I’m a clown and I miss the energy.

But that got me into thinking more about myself and how I personally responded to the film when it came out and whether that’s stayed the same. And I still love the film and it’s still important to me but at the same time...a lot can change in a year and a half. Both externally, in terms of getting more actual canon aro/ace rep and not having to rely primarily on headcanons anymore, but also internal, in the sense that like. I think in a lot of ways magnus archives was the kick I needed to realise that when you’re a person with an identity that most people outside of a certain demographic have never even heard of, at some point you have to stop waiting for mainstream media (I know I’m sorry I promise i’m not this pretentious in real life) to give it to you and start actually seeking it out yourself. Because it is out there, it’s just that it’s not out there in film or tv it’s out there in the audio drama podcasts people make recording under a blanket in their basement.

Which is a nice discovery to have made, and I’m glad to have been dragged into audio drama podcast hell, but where I’m going with this is it makes it kind of strange looking back on little women 2019 and my first time seeing it. the more time passes, the harder it becomes to try to put myself back in the mindset I was in in january 2020, when hearing a character saying “I don’t see why I can’t love you as you want me to” wasn’t just a case of “oh I feel seen” it was a case of “This is literally all I have right now. This is the first time I’ve ever felt understood by art”. It’s not even that when the film came out there was literally no aroace rep at all; the chip zdarsky jughead comics were already about half a decade old, penumbra podcast had already been running for nearly half a decade (tho admittedly I’ve not listened past the first season so idk if their aroace character had been introduced yet), old gods of appalachia had already put out several episodes. But aside from the Archie Comics those are all things far outside of the mainstream, they’re not media that you’re likely to discover and consume unless you’re already part of the Audio Drama Podcast scene. Penumbra less so than old gods maybe, but they’re still very much towards the nicher end of the media spectrum. I know I’d certainly never heard about either until the magnus archives became my gateway into the podcast world. But even compared to the realms of indie media like those little women 2019 predated a lot, which is kind of wild considering how relatively little time it’s been since it came out and how slow going getting more aspec representation used to be. like it predated the silt verses starting up, it predated the reveals about fitzroy from taz graduation and caduceus from critical role, flip-flopping back to the more mainstream stuff it even predated maya petersen’s announcement that peridot from steven universe was intended to be aroace by a couple of months. and nowadays part of me feels kind of silly about how much of an effect I let a film that wasn’t even intended to represent me have on me, but looking back it’s like man, back then I wasn’t even getting characters confirmed as aspec on twitter. I was getting nothing.

and looking at all this there’s something gratifying about it, I suppose. it’s slow progress but I think that the increase in awareness of aspec identities has absolutely been accelerating in recent years. I’m still always hoping for more, of course, but it’s just...it’s funny I suppose. little women is probably always going to be a film that I love and connect to but in this post-maya-petersen-tweet world, in this post-that-one-episode-of-critical-role world, in this world where silt verses is still going strong ten episodes into its planned fifteen(?) episode run, it’s funny how easy it is not even two years on to forget what a lifeline it truly was for me.