#(i am a failed acting major lol) but those like

[collegeoflore]

thinking abt the voice acting on the “my sweet, there’s nothing i’d like more” line in act 1 when u offer to let him feed vs the voice acting on the “there’s nothing i’d like more” line when you ask to kiss him. being really normal about it

[aihoshiino]

Hey! I’ve been hearing a debate pretty recently about Kana’s character, especially after 151. Some are saying that Aka is weakening her character…ignoring her past development..reducing her to a love interest…etc, stuff along those lines, by making her dream be just being Aqua’s idol. What’s your take on this?

Saying this with the full awareness that i am Asking For It by phrasing it like this but. this honestly just feels like a bad faith read by people who already don't like aqukana/kana in particular LOL. Like... idk, I can get being frustrated by the sudden swing over to all the romcom stuff again when we have A Potential Serial Killer just kind of vibing in the background, but Kana -> Aqua is something that's been part of the series for over a hundred and thirty chapters. It was going to need resolving before the series ended regardless of whether they actually hook up or not and it's baffling to me that people are throwing this accusation at Kana's arc when like... sorry, but Ruby is right there, lol

Like, if we're going to talk about 'ignoring past development' and 'reducing her to a love interest' whose dreams revolve around a romance with Aqua... is that not just describing Ruby since 123? Everything to do with Sarina's trauma of abandonment and emotional abuse at Marina's hands and the way it continues to affect Ruby, Ruby being triggered and retraumatized by having to engage with material depicting Ai's abuse at Ayumi's hands, the way she mistreated and took Kana & Mem for granted while she was clout chasing and how that caused fan backlash against those two while they did their best to keep B-Komachi afloat for her - all that shit goes out the window at mach speed once she finds out Aqua is Gorou and she spends the majority of her screentime after that gushing over her oniichansensei and having her narrative recentered around her obsession with Gorou. Never mind how bizarrely she'd flanderized and dumbed down she is in relation to it all.

(Note in advance: shout out to this thread by KizzityKaito on Twitter that I stumbled on while I was chewing on this ask that helped me to articulate some of the stuff re: Kana that I was kind of struggling to put to words - I don't agree w/the whole thread but I think the Kana analysis here & 'reincarnation as child acting' is fascinating and really in line with what OnK seems to be going for.)

By contrast with Kana... this feels consistent to me! This feels like additive characterization building on top of and not contradicting what came before. I've seen people frothing and screaming about her talk vis-a-vis being an actress not being her 'dream' but like... that just kind of checked out to me?? Kana is an actress. If that's her 'dream', she's already achieved it, as she says. Everything else has been her fighting and clawing to hold onto it. That's what she means when she says she didn't have any dreams; for Kana, becoming a nationally recognize actress again isn't a dream because it's just a return to the status quo.

Not only that, but like... being an actress wasn't even necessarily Kana's dream in the first place! She herself outright says it - it was enforced onto her by her abusive mom so she could live vicariously through her.

That's not to say Kana hasn't found her own spark for acting and that she isn't deeply passionate about it in her own way. But again, this is something Kana already has. A 'dream' is something you want to achieve - it's something you, well, dream about. And if you read between the lines, Kana's dream has never really been about acting.

It's about love. It's about Kana feeling secure in her relationships with the people she loves.

I think a lot of people are taking Kana's words in 151 entirely at face value and just... totally failing to read the subtext because they've been ignoring her all this time and now her arc is actually coming to a climax they don't know what the conclusion is building off of lol. Kana's 'dream' right now is something pitifully simple - to have the boy she loves not even return her feelings necessarily, but just to say that in his eyes, she shines brighter than anyone else.

[scoobydoodean]

the way bronlies are so obsessed that they’ve just become sam in the way they don’t like/won’t allow dean to have other friends 😭

it’s crazy to me, especially for a question whose different answers are both true to an extent bc your definition of “knowing somebody” is totally subjective!

lol that said, i am curious, soo… who do you think knows dean best, sam or cas? somebody else? do you think it changes over the seasons?

One of my friends was just saying that about bronlies and Sam sjhbfhsdhjf. Truly tho they're more insufferable than Sam's ever been. Bronlies are every spoiled child antagonist in every children's book. The Veruca Salt's of fandom. Miserable little cry baby brats screaming throwing tantrums trying to hit everyone with their baby rattlers... over Supernatural (2005) POLLS.

Their indignantion at that poll is pretty hilarious, because Sam doesn't start out the series actually knowing who Dean is at all. He thinks he knows who Dean is, but he doesn't, and this is illustrated to us over a dozen times in season 1. I do think Sam grows to understand who Dean is better over time, but he still sucks at understanding Dean for the vast majority of the series, because in many ways, he doesn't actually care to stop and think and study who Dean is and ask himself whether he actually knows him. He prefers an image he's made up in his head of who Dean is instead—an image that comforts him or bolsters his own self-image in some way. Dean is smart when Sam wants him to be smart and stupid when Sam needs to feel smarter (1.10, 1.16, 4.12, 8.14). Dean is strong when Sam wants him to be strong and weak when Sam needs to feel like the strongest person around (4.10, 4.11, 4.14, 4.16, 4.20, 4.21). Dean isn't opening up enough (2.02, 2.03, 2.04), then Dean is too emotional and soft and needs to get over it (2.10, 2.11, 2.14, 4.14, 4.16). Dean is a protector and nurturer who is failing to nurture and/or protect Sam adequately (3.09, 4.04, 8.23), then Dean is smothering (5.07, 8.20).

Basically, because Sam spends so much time trying to force Dean to fit into the shape he wants Dean to fit into, instead of actually trying to understand who Dean is, he often (unknowingly in some cases) completely lacks insight into who Dean actually is, and I'd say while he gets better at recognizing this, and better at understanding who Dean really is over time, surrounding certain subjects (especially things like grief), this refusal to see the actual real Dean continues through the entire run of the show (ex: 13.04).

I guess the question is then... is Cas actually better at understanding Dean than Sam is? And for me? Honestly I think it's a wash. I don't actually think either of them is Mr Amazing Perfect Dean Understander to be quite honest with you. I mean—practically Dean and Cas's entire schtick is perpetual misunderstandings bolstered by their own insecurities? They understand the important parts like that they each have good intentions and are good hearted, but I don't think Cas ever really understood how their repeated cycle of conflict made Dean feel. I don't think he ever understood how deeply entwined Dean's well-being became with his own, to the point that Dean was Not Fucking Okay when Cas was dead. I think Cas had a leg up in getting genuine insights into Dean's feelings straight from Dean for a long time because of the childhood dynamics and previous events that have made using Sam as a confidant uncomfortable and/or unsafe for Dean (2.03, 2.11, 4.14, 4.21, 5.01, 5.02, 5.03). I think Cas also understands Dean’s feelings more than he lets on and often acts on his perceptions of Dean's feelings without communicating those perecptions to anyone (and sometimes he's right... but sometimes he's also very VERY wrong).

We get a sort of back and forth with Sam and Cas understanding or not understanding different aspects of Dean's feelings or behavior. Think about "Nihilism" for example, when Sam and Cas walk through the darkness of Dean's mind, and Cas is shocked by the amount of trauma in Dean's mind and Sam just says, "Well. Yeah." But then compare that with 10.03 "Soul Survivor" where Cas was able to explain to Sam why demon Dean didn't want to be cured no matter how much blood they gave him. Sam didn't understand, but Cas understood Dean's perspective immediately (and that entire episode was a scathing commentary on Sam's lack of insight into Dean tbqh).

All of that said, I think I did vote in that poll and I picked Cas, and I would do it again. :) In fact, I will vote against Sam in any moment of uncertainty in any poll I see going forward, because bronlies are pathetic cry baby brats victimizing themselves 24/7 over Tumblr polls and can get fucked.

[rlyehtaxidermist]

so I’ve seen some posting about oil fire going around and as one of the people sitting in the eye of that particular hurricane i have a couple thoughts. keep in mind that I obviously can’t speak for every single Poster etc etc, obviously this is just my view on things. in particular don’t quote Twitter at me because the only time I was ever active on there was back when “have a visible professional social media account” was considered important for the job hunt. I know nothing of Touhou Twitter or Touhou Reddit and I am content in my ignorance

Anyway there’s three major points of criticism I’ve seen, and one of them as basically “it’s just a nothingburger that came out of nowhere” and even ignoring the history of that in Touhou in general, I’m going to set it aside because I don’t think it needs a more specific rebuttal than the length of this post. so on to the two more substantial complaints I’ve seen:

“it’s just a sex ship”: look, I won’t deny that there’s been a lot of sexposting. i’ve probably posted more about cock in the last 48 hours than in the last five years combined. almost certainly more than i will in the next five too. but there’s a subtext to it that often gets missed (not just by critics but also by a lot of sexposters).

these are two characters who have had... a bit of a history with being sexualised by the fandom. i shouldn’t need to recite all the “slut sanae” memes, those who know know and honestly they were never funny, but they existed. tsukasa meanwhile was stuck with “sex fox” pretty much from the beginning due to some kuda-gitsune legends specifically involving their rapid reproduction.

obviously this is going to go more into the personal view and i reiterate that i’m not speaking for Everyone’s posts, but I’m asexual. the whole emphasis people put on sex as a cultural thing, not just in terms of Posting about it but also in terms of Not Posting about it is funny to me. people dance around it like they’re waltzing with the demon core but also are baffled when i say i’m just not into it.

the oil fire sexposting isn’t about “lol they’re fucking”. there was already plenty of that. the joke is that it’s not a big deal that they’re fucking - it’s not dramatic or cathartic or even erotic. they’re bad at it, they get distracted, they’re not really thinking things through; fail sex with her cringe wife. it’s sexual in the way that a Tom and Jerry sketch is violent - stepping back from the artifice around it to say “you know, whatever else this is, it’s pretty goofy”. to me at least, that’s more of a repudiation of horny character exaggeration than simply ignoring it is.

(there’s also a false equivalence to me in the general notion of “it’s just hornyposting”, between hornyposting by straight men and that of queer women and/or the gender blender, when the characters involved are both women - especially in light of the reasonably consistent depiction of one or both as transgender in oil fire posting. there’s better people than me and my none gender with leftist beef to effortpost on that side of things.)

“tsukasa is manipulating sanae” I’d add a single phrase here - she’s trying to. The big thing with a lot of how I look at Sanae and this is no exception is that while she can be naive, she’s not stupid. There’s a difference between being trusting and being easily deceived. She’s not a master manipulator, but she lives with Kanako, she knows a bit of how the game is played.

I think this kind of echoes the last bit of the last segment, in that how the characters are portrayed in the context matters a lot. Oil Fire Sanae is, at least within the spheres I see here, heavily coded as if not explicitly autistic. A lot of the content is being written by autistic people, myself included.

Autistic adults are, in my anecdotal experience, pretty conscious of being manipulative or manipulated, because we have to learn deliberately where that line is drawn and how to act around it.

To get into explicitly personal experiences, I often think of myself as being “manipulative” because I have to deliberately strategise a lot of social cues and how I present myself and information I know, and still haven’t really shook that perspective internally despite the intellectual knowledge of several therapists and psychiatrists that no, that’s just an autism thing, most people do all that stuff without thinking about it.

Now obviously simply Being Autistic is not an unassailable fortress against manipulation, nor does it prevent you from being actually manipulative in your own right, but it does tilt the pinball table a bit, again especially in terms of awareness. And that awareness helps control a response - again, even if you’re not always quite sure how to respond.

Sanae’s way of cutting that Gordian knot is what a friend of mine calls the Bishop Myriel Method: how can someone steal what is freely given? She has her lines, but the stuff Tsukasa is leaning on her to get - protection, shelter, and an in-group - are all things Sanae doesn’t see an issue with giving to her. Tsukasa for her part doesn’t really understand this, being more used to dealing with power-broker types where everything has a quid-pro-quo, and from a position of pretty notable inferiority (just look at how any of the stronger youkai talk to her in UDoALG) at that - so she looks at all the leverage that Sanae now has over her (leverage which Sanae doesn’t really understand she has), and doubles down on trying to be manipulative because she doesn’t understand that she doesn’t have to.

in conclusion obviously I’m not thinking about all this wall of text every time I post something, for the same reason that I’m not thinking about how my house’s foundations are designed every time I go up or down the stairs - the general idea is there in the background and actually needing to go check it out usually means that I won’t be doing whatever I was going up the stairs for in the first place. but these are The Thoughts, upon which the lower effort thoughts stand as they heckle each other. there are many like them but these are mine

[cdroloisms]

my dsmp hot take is that while yes c!dream was a villain and a bad guy (tho i'd argue he's morally dark grey rather than pure evil) his personality was not often the ultra crazy over the top anime esq villain some of the fandom paints him to be

Like everything from his line delivery to his mannerisms and tone made him seem like just some guy? Like just a actual seemingly normal dude who'd I'd say is unsettlingly casual a lot of the time about the things he does and says, which is what makes c!Dream and ccDream's performance of the character rather compelling and interesting to watch... imo at least. This is not to say that c!dream never has his big obvious villain moments but to me those moments truly stand out because of how he often is played so human and passing for almost normal most of the time

Anyways I really love c!dream, he's one of my favorite characters of all time because of how understated and human he is a lot of the time until the moments you remember why he's a threat in the first place.....it's just...aaaaaa he's so interesting and cool I wanna analyze him under a microscope

I ... am not sure if I'm following your argument but that's probably a me problem. It's true, c!Dream's actual personality isn't only the overdramatic villain act that somehow overshadowed like, everything about him to a large portion of the fandom. That being said, I would definitely argue that a large portion if not a majority of c!Dream's most overtly villainous moments and actions definitely didn't read as casual to me? tbh "casual" and "normal" are hard words re: c!Dream because the guy ... kind of fails at having any chill literally ever LMAO like even his more faux chill moments (such as the front he keeps up in Daedalus) are very hard for me to describe as casual--though that's just me, and might be a more subjective matter of how we define things lol. That being said, a lot of how c!Dream wields people's perception of him is absolutely about using the villain deal as a shield and smokescreen, which usually meant going full throttle with acting like a Disney movie villain (see: Spirit Speech, Green Festival, Doomsday, Staged Finale, etc.) to intimidate people. Of course, there's an argument for c!Dream acting 'casual' during Exile in mannerisms compared to his more ... overtly villainous acting in the aforementioned scenes, but even then basically every moment we see from his character from the second he betrays Pogtopia for the book (and goes on his whole For Chaos spiel to c!Tommy which had c!Tommy very visibly like ???? bro what the fuck) is so. Different from how this guy acted earlier on in the server that 'casual' as it means between the time period of November 2020 - January 2021 for c!Dream is a whole different ballpark from casual in summer 2020, you feel? Like, though they were definitely wrong, there's a reason why literal demon possession became such a prevalent theory around that time, because bro what the fuck.

It depends on how you look at it, I guess, but I really don't think being underestimated as a villain is like. Ever something that really features in this guy's story, at least from an in-universe perspective--people are primed to think the worst of him from quite early on in the story and the influence of that sticks as he keeps spiraling worse until the prison. Even when he "passes as normal" to the audience bc he's not playing up the villain show to convince people he's too much of a threat to handle, c!Dream-as-the-final-boss c!Dream-as-villain are ideas that very much precede the moments that are most obviously c!Dream wearing the villain title as a mask (which, makes sense--he's not the originator of c!Dream-as-villain as a concept, it's just something he uses to his advantage when the server has already decided that this is Who He Is and then eventually internalizes and attaches to his identity). I think that the big twist for a lot of people, audience and in-universe, comes from poking through the image crafted for him and by him to recognize the just-some-guy behind the villain's mantle -- which is part of why [gestures at the prison arc] like, all of that -- because for a lot of people, regardless of the humanity that c!Dream was literally always played with or even the literal history of the server preserved in vods that many of them had watched live, the power of the story established during the Revolution in and out of canon meant that every problem came him (stated by c!Quackity around the time of Dethronement, objectively untrue at the time) and everything he said was manipulation (gestures at Quackity's chat the day of Mexican L'manburg negotiations) and anything that humanized him was falling for his tricks (poor Bubbles' tumblr post 😭😭😭). It's true that there's no shortage of "just some guy" c!Dream moments to choose from--it's also true, imo, that what really governs c!Dream's story from start to finish is the mask of the villain that he is given and wears and becomes and then the dismantling of it.

[bomberqueen17]

car shopping part 1

ok i had capslock on when i started typing this and i startled myself, lol. i am. a bit tired and punchy. BUT. All hail my lovely middle-little sister, who volunteered to come take me to car dealerships last night.

Here are my extremely scientific notes on how that went, so that I can narrow down my car choices for definitely for sure:

1) Honda: we went to a Honda dealership, and my mom has a CR-V which I've driven and it's... fine, so I tried the HR-V, which is smaller. The sales guy immediately without asking was like "here you want this one" and had me test-drive a used 2020 model-- low mileage, nice car, but used. "Won't be here in a couple days tho, act fast," he said, and gave me his card. I'd told him this was the very first car of my search and I wasn't in a hurry. He didn't show me anything new, or tell me about anything new, but did say there were often quite long waits for new cars. Gotcha. Like, I'm not mad, but I'm also not going to pay $23,9 for a three-year old car when the current year's model is $24k. You know? I don't care how long the warranty is.

2) Subaru: we went because it was right there. Wandered around the parking lot. Crosstreks look... lower now?? somehow?? than mine? Much lower, don't know why. Specs said same ground clearance but. I'd have to look up what the specs were in 2014. Sales guy came out, asked if we wanted to see anything. M-L said I should try the Forester, so I was like sure, why not; one of the farm workers has a 2020 Outback I figured I'd ask his opinion on, and actually the part time veg helper guy has a recent Outback too, so there's no shortage of those around. So I test-drove a Forester. And like. I hadn't even got out of the parking lot and the guy was like, all casual, "so how's the visibility," and I really looked around and was like holy shit okay i can see through time so I really liked it. It was a higher-end package (had a huge sunroof, i actually really liked that, i'm a shallow bitch i guess) and kept trying to nanny me about leaving the lane on the winding back road but the guy reached over and pressed the button that disables that and it stopped yelling at me, which was great. Anyway. I did not expect that. M-L and I theorized about what kind of guy I'd be to be a Forester guy. "A middle-aged wealthy lesbian with a lot of large dogs," M-L said, and I was immediately depressed to realize that only one of those things is actually applicable. I have no wife and no large dogs. These are major failings of my life. But. I mean. We don't always end up the person we thought we'd be when we were nineteen.

3) Then we got to the Ford dealership, and a guy named Joey was like "ay what's up," and i listed the cars I was interested in and he was like "i can't get those or those but I got Broncos, let's go see one" and walked incredibly fast out into the parking lot without looking like he was hurrying, seriously it was eerie how fast he walked while looking like he was just ambling, and he led us to a "cactus gray" Bronco Sport, said "you wanna try this one? aight hang on" and went back into the building. I was like uh sure, we poked around the parking lot, and then he came back, handed me the key, was like "yah you two go for it, you know the roads around here? yah go see if you like it, I'll be here til eight." and off we went, slightly bemused. But yes, we were quite near M-L's house so she led us around a winding path. The Bronco's hood takes up rather a lot of the view out of the windshield. I raised my seat, which helped slightly. I could not find the right edge of the car and kept straying over into the shoulder. It was so boxy. The visibility out of the windows wasn't fantastic. But it had a lot of zoom and handled all right. Not terrible. I'm not a Ford Bronco guy I don't think, but I liked the Ford dealership folks, they were funny.

The sales manager came out and talked to me briefly and was like "well i mean how many cars are you looking for" and i was like "i have a spreadsheet" and he was like "a what now" and i got my phone out and showed him the spreadsheet Dude made and he was like "your guy is something else" and i was like "i mean, he sure is", and I did feel better about not being a wealthy middle-aged lesbian with large dogs if this is what I have instead but like. I mean. The road not taken etc.

"take notes," M-L said as we got home (after i bought her a sushi dinner bc there was a place right by the dealership and also i wanted sushi), and i was like "yah ok" but this is my notes. i'm sure i'll be able to make sense of them later.

[hillbilly---man]

What are three things that shaped who you are?

Any reoccurring dreams?

Three things that shaped who I am.. 🤔

snopes.com. When I was younger (like.. 12-16. Early 2000s) I was SUPER into fact checking and rumors and being a smug little shit so I spent a lot of time reading articles on snopes to find out what things I'd always heard about weren't true. And also to learn what some of the urban legends/rumors/whatever were because I always felt out of the loop. I spent time on the forums, but I never had an account to post anything. Those forums were my first exposure to a lot of different kinds of people and opinions that have made me who I am. I grew up in rural East Tennessee with a conservative white family so I had a lot of ideas that weren't great. I wouldn't say that the forums were some kind of leftist paradise, but I learned that gay people, Democrats, transgender people, non-christians, feminists, people from other countries etc weren't all that different from me fundamentally. I learned that some of the things that I had accepted as "just the way it is" were actually debated hotly, and that the arguments on the "other" side made some sense. I learned about parts of history that I was never taught, and parts that I was taught wrong. I don't think I'd have ever made it to Tumblr or met any of my friends if I hadn't had that desire to "well actually" grownups who spread bullshit about 9/11

Gorillaz. All my childhood, I was a big fan of country music. LeAnn Rimes was my favorite singer of all time, but I also loved the Dixie Chicks and Kenny Chesney and Shania Twain. All of those 90s Country hit makers. Again.... Rural Tennessee! When I was in 6th grade, I had a friend on the school bus who was also a big pokemon fan like I was. She was also a fan of this new cartoon band called Gorillaz. I'd heard their songs before and I thought it was cool, but it wasn't "my kind of music". Well, long story short: I was moving away and nervously waited til my last day to tell her, but she was out sick and I never got to say goodbye. I felt so bad about it that I got the Gorillaz album lol.. ANYWAY, I don't listen to much country music anymore. I became a huge fan of Gorillaz, branched out into other similar acts (Blur, then other Britpop bands, then similar genres/influences of my favorites, etc). Nothing against country music, but the music I like now is a lot cooler imo... Plus, following Gorillaz fans here from Twitter is how I joined Tumblr in the first place.

Getting shitty grades in college. I started at a community college with the intention of transferring to the University of Tennessee Knoxville to get a marketing degree, but I was really bad at it. I had to retake a bunch of classes, and changed my major a few times (the 2008 recession scared me off of getting that marketing degree). By the time I was ready to transfer, UTK wouldn't take my GPA so I picked a cheap state university 4+ hours away with lower standards. Getting away from my hometown was so important for becoming more independent. Plus most of my friends are from the university I ended up attending. (I was bad at it there too, so lucky me! I was in school so long that I became friends with people who were still in high school by the time my "original" graduation date rolled around)

As for recurring dreams: probably the most common is a dream that I'm back in school and I realize I haven't gone to class all semester and I'm going to fail. (Guess what one of my biggest issues in college was? 🤣)

[princeandrogyne]

this... uh. probably isn't an incredibly hope inspiring message now that I think about it, but I wanted to say I relate a lot to your blog. your blog looks like my unpublished notes app ramblings, the random bullshit I type out to myself, I just don't have the self-esteem to publish it anywhere. I don't expect anyone to care, I guess.

sometimes I feel like my life would be better if I knew I wasn't the only person like me, if I knew someone like me shared my struggles and had that same sort of "thing" festering in them like it does in me. anger, dissatisfaction, yearning, something. wanting to pass like a man while knowing it's impossible without blowing up all my beliefs, all of my living situation, all of my pride. feeling unlovable just because I rolled the shit 50% odds and it just so happens something in me decided I could never be happy. a computer programmed to fail. an animal wired to throw away their survival instinct. I guess this is me saying that I sort of see that in you? god, that's sort of weird. sorry if it comes out weird!

I wonder if knowing you're less alone is actually helpful. I used to think I was alone, just because the people around me were so unlike me that I made a skill out of learning how to act just like them, even though I consciously knew they'd never know me. I know I'm not, obviously. it'd be a bit self centered to think that, probably. it's partially comforting to know that I'm really not unique. exactly like the other girls, so to speak. but I don't know! I don't know if it's good to know I'm not special and my problems are not unique but also the people who are just like me haven't exactly found the solution to any of those shared struggles either!

anyway, out of some weird desire to offer advice and a kind word, I guess I ended up in your inbox! I wanted to write some helpful things, partially because I sort of wanted to, in a roundabout way, give advice to myself too. then, I realized I couldn't think of anything to say. I don't know how to help myself either. it's just been a lot of escapism and coping mechanisms for my worst problems, pretending like I'm better than other people (sometimes I am) for being able to at least be self-aware, to have shame and the ability to accept reality. the thing is, I see reality. and it's shit! being a dysphoria-filled, inexplicably weird but not in an easily medicated way, unappealing in looks to the majority of the world, no five year career goals like everyone else, too young to have fallen in love or experienced life fully but always on the brink of feeling sick of it all, just frankly outcast female homosexual, is not like... the best place to be as a 19 year old! and I have no idea what to actually do about it other than just find reasons to keep living despite it all. just let it happen and force myself to make others care about me because I really do care more about what other people think of me than myself. I'd be sad if other people were sad because I killed myself or whatever. terrible practice probably I do not recommend but uhhh I lost the thread here. basically. sorry. I really opened this tab with intention to be helpful and it sort of became a pity fest.

I don't know. does it mean anything if an internet stranger says they see you? they perceive your pain and they might even feel like they understand? that she knows what it's like? does "you are not alone" actually mean anything? I never thought it did, it feels hollow always since I know the people saying it never mean it. but to me I suppose right now it means enough to write this grossly honest and probably huge pain in your inbox (you are more than welcome to toss it out. I'm not gonna save this text anywhere either so fully feel free to help me to create some lost media lol). it's just that something about your blog presence speaks to me...and that may be the cringest thing I've typed on tumblr. shockingly. wow, anon makes it so much easier to speak. is this what honesty looks like?

I won't waste too much more of your time if you've already read this all. I hope things get better for you. I don't know what that would look like, but I hope it looks like something real and fulfilling and warm and wonderful and it proves every self doubt and desperately loathing impulse within you wrong. and if anything, at least know your personality through text is readable and impactful and perhaps gives psychic damage to certain people who like to think and talk too much. have a good one.

People who aren’t like us also do care, I’ll let you know. If someone demonstrates an issue it’s kind of human nature to care for them, often even with no prior attachments. I get outreach from a lot of people on here who are worried. The only issue is that there’s just not a whole lot people can do behind a screen besides offer anecdotes and time and patience and a promise of understanding. 

It’s not weird you see those bad and strange sort of things in me. I always figured I was built to be an example for other people. “This is what a suicidal person looks like. This is how they will act and how you need to treat them. This is how to react when they die. ” etc etc i always thought i wasn’t built to be here and I’m a living fluke in the system. I definitely feel the “computer programmed to fail.” i was diagnosed with depression when i was 5 or 6, I believe i was born with it. Not even going to touch the autism within this conversation. I do genuinely also believe i was born in the wrong body but I’m swallowing it the best I can. Sometimes strange identities still emerge a bit like vomit - coming from a sickness and humiliating me. Cleaned up hastily so no one else has to see. I don’t know. I don’t like my body. 

You might be exactly like some girls, but there are statistically very few of us in these familiar situations. I think it’s hard for us to recognize that there are some of us who are older too. Who have made it a little further. I’m unsure if you’re 19 like me as mentioned due to the wording but i digress… its becomes harder to recognize someone who is you when you are out of there because I think we change. Drastically. But I’m not sure that’s just a theory. 

I am thankful you reached out. Even if you think you hadn’t much to offer, this was very kind. You were honest and you reached out in recognition to give anything you thought you could. 

Something different about us is that i don’t care if people are sad if I kill myself. I feel maybe pity towards anyone who might or worry for some individuals, but I know once I’m dead it wipes that all away. It’s a release of tension in my eyes. Regardless, i understand the aspect of continuing existence despite it all.

I don’t usually like when people say they see me in themselves or they relate. You’ve done a good job. I feel sort of proud to be thought similar to anyone who would spend this much time on someone like me. Sort of a complicated concept. I hope you stick around on my blog and learn more about me and maybe even communicate further. 

Being told my personality is impactful is going to give me a big head, thank you so much. I’m not doing this because I have self-esteem btw it’s because I’m dumb as rocks and also because for some reason openly sharing every issue I have on a semi-private-from-IRL platform is the only way I can get myself to journal. Anyway I think I had a point, but it’s lost so thank you just thank you. I love you, whoever you are.

[blazescompendium]

Shin Megami Tensei is 31 years old today.

image provided by Vesk Scans. Please follow her archiving work!

Yeah, Shin Megami Tensei for the Super Famicom is now 31 years old. It is surprising for me how a game that came out full 6 years before i even give my first breath on this Earth, would be so important for me and my life. But here we are.

Even after playing the entirety of the mainline franchise, and a lot of spin offs, this game still holds its position very well in my heart because it is such a unique game. First, i always loved mythology and religion, so much so that i pursued it as a career. It started when i was little, with the influence of my father who was a scholar (albeit amateur) of those fields. Religion always played a major role in my life, both for the good and the bad, and although i don't actually align with any religion at the moment, i was studying the bible in a religious school since a very early age.

So, when i found out about Shin Megami Tensei, it clicked really, really well with me. I know that it is just a game, and even if it tries a lot to be faithful, as a researcher and scholar of Mythology and Religion we got to say it not always gets it right. But it tries! And when it tries, it can achieve very good results, and that's why i love it so much.

And that was when i was a teen/young adult. Now i grew up a lot, and even started my career in those fields, and still regard this game very high.

The characters are great for me, because i love how this game can be incredibly inclusive. Your main character is not a destined hero, or magical being. It is just an average guy, going to the groceries when the world start to end. He lives with his mom, have its problematic friends, and lives an average life. He always acts like any other person would act, and even his looks are just average.

Now, the thing is that this game did not aged well, but its absolutely playable and very fun to play. The old SMT titles have this ''survival horror'' energy, where you have to take care of resources while advancing in the game. ''Should you use your complete party in this dungeon, since its dangerous, but risk to deplete your MAG stock?'' Stuff like that got me.

And this brings me to how much i hate Atlus as a capitalist company. They made this effort to show us they care about the anniversary of the franchise that kick-started their business, but did not do anything about it. Just shoved merch to the US audience, that is not available anywhere else. Us, from outside, just did not got anything from this ''anniversary''. And i thought the Persona 25th was bad enough lol. But i guess merch hoarders are happy?

And that was a big fucking lie

I honestly don't want anything out of the ordinary. If they could at least port the SNES titles to the Switch Online at the west, because its already available in Japan, i beleive we would be very grateful already. Playing and presenting this games for a new generation is a pain. And i believe Shin Megami Tensei deserves it as a series, not only for its uniqueness but also for everything this IP did to Atlus.

But hey, i guess we are getting something, right? We have a whole new Persona 5 spin off coming next week! I am so hyped to see the same characters, exactly as they were 7 years ago, in another story about teen rebellion or whatever.

Im sorry, SMT. We failed with you. But your legacy will never be gone. I beleive SMT message keeps relevant to this day, and even more so as the time passes by. The world is a very different place then it was in 199X, but still a very divided and extremist place. SMT was the only game of its time to tackle this issues.

Happy anniversary to Shin Megami Tense, as a great game as one of my favorite games of all time. I wish more people could play it at least once!

And yeah, to celebrate i think i will be beating SMT 2 tonight, after lectures!

[dojae-huh]

I am the anon asked your mbti, and you know what, I am intp-a (we are almost the same haha). I totally understand you say that mbti is not a comprehensive measurement to summarize one’s personality. Actually at first I was not very interested in this test too and thought it was just as stereotypical as zodiac sign, however it turns out that my actions and mindset are just too typically intp lol. So I think it makes sense to some extend, like I am attracted to your blog which is written by another intp(Oh and I am also an acquarius). And you are right, the world is ran by emotional people. I suppose it’s becuz emotional words and actions take less time and efforts to influence people and archive the intended goals way more easily, no one would like to spend much more time to think and analyze thoroughly when forming a new opinion. In the fandom this phenomenon appears when fans keep ignoring the obvious facts and trusting in theories that up to their imaginations. I mean how could jaedo and their members all act like nothing happened if they really divorced after an almost 10-year relationship. And why would Jae know every detail about do’s life if they are not close at all. And as you said, every time I saw these clueless words, as an introvert I would only choose to be silent and watch. And your blog just give me comfort when witnessing too much emotional thinking and expressions. You explained what I can’t explain with my poor english lol.

My mother is a psychologist, so I was introduced (and tested) to MBTI way before it became a fad. I have an MBTI tag on the blog, I explained my views on the test more in older posts. Check the tag list, the link is in the header.

Now, Aquariuses being drawn to other Aquariuses is a bigger mystery. It is very often when I really like a person through art/music (self-expression), I find out he/she is another Aquarius. Stars aside, people are born in different climates and cultures, you can't even explain it with weather/sunlight exposure/nutrients levels/the start of school period, heh. It is a persistent delusion in need of explanation.

INTPs belong to the 1st brain type (read "Three brains" tag on the blog), the cortex is strong, the default setting is "sit and think". The majority of people belong to "logic/emotion" combo (2nd brain type), and a big chunk to "emotion" (3d). High cognition and proper thinking takes a lot of energy (neurons eat up sugars, spend neuromedeators and demand oxygen supply), that is why most people, even if they can, don't switch into "processing" mode. Add to it the way the modern education fails people (they are not trained to think, encouraged to emote, are pampered) and how social media propells those who can be flashy,loud and thicksculled (clickbait, emotions=drama=attention=clicks and money).

Finally, people go to social media/fandom to unwind. Even if they are capable of thinking, even if they are well educated, they spend all of their energy reserves they can allocate to "info processing" on studying and daily work. Therefore, even logical people get easily swept by the commotion, their, usually dormant, emotional centres get activated by induced panic (your bias is being attacked! danger!) or online bullying (you! shut up! traitor!). And when emotional brain gets activated, it shuts up the logical brain in all people.

There is no point in arguing with people who believe in their fantasy. They will cling to it and defend it. The only way is to provide your own perspective as an alternative for fans to read.

[transingthoseformers]

Originally these were the tags for the prev post but i ended up hitting 30 tags so: Energon goodies and energon additives HCs (yes, I'm going to throw human terms in there just to spice things up. I will use the term sweets as a catch all phrase because i can)

Optimus has a major sweet tooth. Like, a major major sweet tooth. He used to buy them all the time before the war, but then they became rare as hell and he felt obligated to automatically turn them over to his colleagues. After all, there were more concerning things to worry about, just forget about that craving for lead flakes in the morning energon. Now? Fjfkkgufuf it's a frequent sight.

Megatron hadn't had very many treats like that in his life, and they can overwhelm his sense of taste very fast. Orion once took him to a fancy cafe, and Unattended Child In A Sundae Bar syndrome kicked in, which lead to it all coming back up half a groon later. This is part of the reason he ended up going nuts over the fish marbles, they're the Cybertronian equivalent of chewing on ice chips.

Ratchet only really likes rust sticks, and used to have a jar of them in his old clinic. Pharma would affectionately tease that "those are for the patients" as he proceeded to retop the jar for the fourth time this cycle. Legitimately he was the first guy to figure out about Starscream's Stream. Ratchet then proceeded to bitch and moan about that for ages.

Pharma, speaking of him, is the guy who prefers bitter treats. He gets the ones that everyone else would normally dislike, leaving him very smug with his six packets of yellow quartz and tube of gelled energon which is only a vorn old (he swears up and down that it's fine that stuff practically never expires, and I'm sad to say he's entirely right; the only thing that changes is taste)

Knockout is the Latte™️ mech. Breaky jokes all the time about if KO would like some energon with his additive. This is 100% husband hyperbole. He doesn't necessarily care for solid goodies, which works out well for them.

Breakdown, like Megatron and Soundwave, has had pretty much just average energon his whole functioning. However, this means that upon giving the option to sweets he inhales them with equal fervor. If Knockout wants his additive he's gotta act fast, which is mostly an inside joke he'll get it.

Soundwave is the guy who eats them in rainbow order, but he says he's saving them for for Laserbeak (which is a lie, LB is 100% swooping in and taking what she wants the little thief🥰)

I'm not entirely sure that Shockwave can ingest solids. Which means the science solution, blend it all up and drink it like a smoothie. People look at him exactly like he's a damn monster for this, but he's got a fair idea of complimentary tastes so it works.

Rung, Starscream, and Swindle are naturally our sources for this influx of sweets. Which, is yet another source of income lol. And the moment Ratchet figured out about this when he moderately interrogated Starscream. Swindle saw an opportunity for profit and cut some handwave deals with the autobots for candy lol.

Starscream used to frequently partake in all of them... until he started the Goodie stream. She had originally tried to ingest all the failed creations, which got old fast and totally ruined her taste for them. Now, the failed sweets go to a bargain bin side of the shop to get rid of all that damn beryllium.

Swindle strikes me as a savory guy. If he was human, he'd absolutely love school pizza but he's not so hot highgrade and oilcakes all the way. I am staring into this mech's big purple optics and i just know his servos are greasy.

The vehicons got a whole system. First come first serve, but this is entirely respected and fighting over energon goodies and additives is considered Extra petty. Often, mecha in relationships will vouch to share them together under the covers lol.

Rung only likes candy occasionally, but is 100% going to get you your exact favorite. He's ancient, he's seen so many cultures' delicacies and has most definitely tried dark energon at least once and lightly regrets it. By lightly regrets it i mean him up and saying "ok this ended up making my fuel tanks a little queasy but others seem to enjoy this so it just means it is not for me"

Arcee has that Single Damn thing she likes and once she found out Swindle and Starscream were selling homemade versions of this she mayyyyy have had a crackhead moment. She voted in favor with Ratchet's idea of the Swindle candy deal, alongside Optimus.

Bulkhead's the guy who snacks on crystals in front of the kids. Which definitely shocked the first time he found a ruby on the floor of a mine and chronch "did you just eat a fucking rock???"

Wheeljack seems like a spicy guy. Like, pour the Cybertronian equivalent of hot sauce into his energon, down it like a shot, and relish in the burn. He's also the dude who will grab extra stuff to give to his friends.

Jazz seems to me like a mocktail guy, fairly good at mixing up drinks that won't get you overcharged. Heavy on the additives and gels, light on the physical goodies. He has been told he should open a bar for this, which he shrugged off and said "maybe".

Elita One seems like a generalist who won't take anything unless offered, but will enjoy pretty much anything. She actually voted against the Swindle deal originally, but upon learning that this might actually mean they could get access to other supplies from the stars, said yes.

Prowl, my poor autistic son, absolutely loves goodies and additives but his systems cannot tolerate them at all like Megatron's. But, on the other servo, i am staring this mech in the visor and i can sense he would actually enjoy medigrade energon and exactly everyone looks at him like he's crazy for this.

The rescue bots are 100% down to fight each other dentae and servo for candy. It's hilarious, the Burns family has more pictures for their photobooks upon seeing this for the first time because it's exactly what you wouldn't expect.

Tarn is a little bit like Shockwave, in that he mixes them together rather often. Unlike Shockwave, however, he has absolutely no sense of taste beyond oooh sweet so he ends up creating these abominations that have no flavor beyond full system flashbang. Nobody knows how he tolerates this, or which came first the acute lack of intake sensors or the cacophonous combination of fuel.

The rest of the DJD works similar to the Rescue bots in distribution style, except far more brutal. Serious injuries have been had in the frenzied attempts to obtain sweets, which has lead to Tarn banning them from the Peaceful Tyranny (which he swears isn't because he wants them for himself no sirre it's for their own good honest donest😁)

Predaking, who will be born soon i swear, will take exactly everything you give him. He will help Starscream taste-test creations later on eventually! He's a big boi and it's ~interesting~ to have a newbuild on board, nevermind a predacon newbuild.

The fallen has exactly no clue what any of this is and will never have a clue. Though, the original thirteen did in fact try various minerals several times and never quite worked out the trial and error.

Arachnid is, you guessed it, pretty selective, but by god if you have her favorite you better be willing to forfeit it or forfeit your arm. Which is fair, as it's rather uncommon on earth and Starscream's least favorite to make.

[anachronistic-falsehood]

hooloooo i see you rebagel a lot of stuff for mcyt... what is that? how do i watch it? it sounds so dramatic and full of lore! thankya!

OH WOW ok!!! alright. sit down because i am about to learn you a thing!!!! so MCYT stands for "minecraft youtube" and it actually encompasses a HUGE amount of youtubers/twitch streamers, minecraft smps, content, and storylines. A LOT of different creators fall under the MCYT umbrella, but the SMPs are probably what you're talking about, because those are FULL of lore. you don't have to watch one to understand another, although some might make references to other SMPs. think of it like... huge DND campaigns but in minecraft. they roleplay as fictionalized versions of themselves and do a lot of improv acting

the servers i'm into right now are the DSMP and QSMP!! the DSMP was a server owned by Dream (who is kind of a shit person which is part of the reason the server ended) but the storyline created by creators on the server like Wilbur Soot, Tommyinnit, Technoblade, and a lot of others was AMAZING. they created this insane story about a small nation who went to war, there was a revolution, an election that resulted in a dictatorship, and so much more. oh my god it was so cool. someone named EvanMC made videos summarizing some major plot points (playlist here), but if you REALLY want to get into it, there's a channel called Blueberry TV that's making full recap videos, and the playlist (here) has like. over 300 videos so far. BUT NOT ALL OF THEM ARE NECESSARY TO UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING!! you can skip ahead at a lot of points, or even just find a single creator's character you like and watch vods or videos from their point of view. i would highly recommend Wilbur Soot, Tommyinnit, Tubbo, BadBoyHalo, or Quackity because their roleplay was consistently just absolutely insane, but i'd also recommend POVs like Fundy, Captain Puffy, DropsByPonk, or Jack Manifold if you want to explore different viewpoints! I know Wilbur and Tommy have made edited down videos of many of their DSMP vods, so that might be a decent place to start if you're curious (although searching for those in the mess of their other videos might be a hassle lol), or you can skim the wiki if you'd like (here!!!) it officially ended i think late 2022-early 2023 (i can't remember) but the official canon ending to the overall story is really up in the air, so it's mostly left to fan interpretation now.

THE QSMP IS SO GOOD oh my god. it's a huge multilingual server that started around March and is still going!! it was started by Quackity, and the plot really started when a bunch of eggs appeared on the island and the members were paired up to take care of them, with one English speaking creator and one Spanish speaking creator to a pair. eventually five Brazilians were invited to the server, and later some French creators as well!! they're all trapped on this one island by an organization called the Federation, and no one knows exactly what's going on, but there are mysteries to solve and monsters to fight and lots of found family elements in the overall plot. if you want some general recaps, the official QSMP Info channel has a couple videos recapping stuff (link here) and there are channels like Angry Thomas that make bite sized videos (like 5-20 minutes) about some general plot points. Quackity ofc has his own vod channel where you can watch his streams and learn about his character's lore. you can also skim the wiki (link here) to familiarize yourself with some of the characters. if all else fails you can probably make a post asking for the plot and throw it in the qsmp tag here on tumblr and you'll get a decent handful of people in your notes giving you a sparknotes summary. we love talking about our weird little minecraft guys

The DSMP and QSMP are so good in their own ways, the DSMP for its insane improv roleplay and the QSMP for its crazy planned events and and the way it brings multiple communities and cultures together!!! you don't have to watch one to understand the other. i suggest you only get into one at a time because they are both crammed with backstory and lore. i'd recommend getting into QSMP first because it's still going, and once you feel more or less caught up, you can probably test the DSMP waters. they can both get quite heavy in their stories, so if you need a list of trigger warnings or anything feel free to ask and i can def provide :3 if you're intrigued by either of them but don't know exactly where to start, i'd suggest the Blueberry TV playlist for DSMP and the Angry Thomas videos or the Quackity VODs for QSMP. see if there are any creators you enjoy watching and go from there!!!! consuming the stories of these SMPs is a bit difficult because there's so much content, but no one is expected to watch every single video or stream by every creator. a lot of the story gets passed around through word of mouth through the fandoms, so don't feel bad if you feel like you miss anything!!! if you have questions, you can ask just about anyone in the fandoms and they'll probably have an answer!!!

if you're interested but need a little more convincing, feel free to shoot me another ask. i will gladly ramble about my favourite minecraft roleplay characters. it's like my entire life at this point i think it's a problem <3

[vals-cd]

Little texts.

after you died hinata has been texting you everyday. Telling you how his day went, how Natsu was doing, and so much more

Warnings: Major character death, angst, my first attempt at agnst, not proofread

8:35 pm. Was the time that Hinata Shoyo has found out that you had died. You had terminally ill for years now and it finally caught up to you. You died right next to him while holding his hand and telling him how you promise to watch over him and to never forget you.

And when you finally passed he did nothing for the next month and even then it took his teammates pushing to get him out of his home to come to practice. He didnt take care of himself anymore and you could tell, but could you blame him you where his everything. His world. His first love

and ever since hes sent you little messages talking in to you like you had never passed on, and the times he talked to you like you passed on he put everything into the message. He knew you were never going to see it but he didnt care, he wanted to feel like he still could talk you.

"hey baby i miss you so much. Today at practice noya started throwing volleyballs at tsukishima and he was pissed. I wish you were there to see it, it was so funny"

Sent 5:24 pm

"Honey why did you leave me. I dont know what to do without you i miss you so much and i dont understan why the couldn't save you"

Sent 2:43 am

He kept all the things you had left in his room and didnt move them. Your mom had given him his volleyball jacket back and your favorite stuffed animal and he slept with it everynight. Holding it like he would hold you in his sleep. He even gave it forehead kisses and acted like it was you.

Your mother often invited him for dinner he was part of the family he had known you for ten years and had been dating you for four of those ten years. And your parents love hom, they wish you had lives long enough for you to marry him one day.

Hinata had been to all your doctors appointments. He didnt want to think that you would have to leave him at some point. The days that it was especially bad he'd come and visit you at the hospital spending every moment with you because as much as he didnt want to think about it he knew you would have to end up leaving him. And you both knew thats why you would be together all the time. You'd come and watch his practices and games the days you weren't in the hospital and the days you were he would go to the hospital as quick as he could.

"Hey sweetheart, today was hard mr.asagiri made us do a super hard exam. Wish you could've helped me study because i definitely failed lol. Goodnight i love you"

Sent 10:57 pm

When he wasnt doing anything he would be texting you.

"Lunch was really good today"

Sent 12:45 pm

" natsu did my hair"

*hinata sent a photo*

Sent 5:23 pm

He cried himself to sleep most nights. Wishing you were next to him holding him

As much as he hated you were gone

And he couldn't do anything about it.

[papirouge]

Saw a post the other day that was basically like "Yeah, I wish more pro-life supporters spoke up for Palestine but it's higher-up people who have been pro Israel such as politicians and world leaders who are pro-choice" And I think that hits the nail on the head while I do actively call out how hypocritical the pro-life the community has been it is weird the see the pro-choice community act like it is ONLY those who are pro-life are Israel supporting when I could name 10 major celebrities/politicians of the top of my head who are pro-choice and have shown themselves to be zionists yet I don't see the pro-choice community call themselves out.

It still misses the point though: pro lifers are those shouting off the rooftops that they are the only one truly caring about the children, OF COURSE they're going to be held at a higher standards than pro choice celebrities or politicians. It's a matter of consistence. Not every celebrity or politician is pro life as far as I know.

We been knew politicians don't care about kids and women. But it's a problem when those posturing themselves as the true defenders of babies & mothers end up failing at their initial purpose. Pro choicers are absolutely right to call pro lifers out. I'm never been into partisan shit : if pro choicers make a valid point against pro lifers, I'm not gonna get unnecessary defensive about it. If they are right, they are right ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I myself think a significant bunch of pro lifers are misogynists and delulu conservatives eager to control women and weaponize babies to guilt shame them. Otherwise, they don't care the slightest about life, women, or children. Once the baby comes out, those Conservatives don't care the slightest about babies anymore and will vote against policies helping mothers raising kids, and make children to grow in a secure & safe environment (healthcare, welfare, gun control, etc.). If you follow my blog for a while, you'd know I don't f with them and despise them lol I am pro life bc I love life & women and think we deserve more than kill our kin to hussle in this life

Being pro choicer AND pro Israel/Zionist is pretty consistent bc both ideology sustain a "the end justifies the mean" way of reasoning : killing a baby is ok if the mom thinks it will help her with life / killing palestinians civilians is ok if it allows to kill hamas soldier. Pro lifers being wishy washy before the well document images of Palestinians babies/kids and their mothers being brutalized for weeks now are the real hypocrites.

[carrion-carry-on]

Whumptober No. 20

It’s been a long day

I am tired as all hell lol which is why I decided to write this one like I did, when I did (at 0200 hours, dying of lack of rest due to my abhorrent sleep “schedule”). This is somewhat related to the previous post, concerning training/assessment time for the squad. After they’ve finished up, everyone is exhausted and not too willing to talk about anything.

AO3 Link

The moment members of Fort Finium arrive “home,” they shuffle into the common room and drop to their preferred places. Each bears evidence of the hours of abuse doled out by “their betters” in the form of assessments. Each is used to such treatment. That does not make it easier.

Laith, for her part, feels as though her skull is about to explode. The constant shape changes she’s had to perform, trying (and often failing) to hold an unnatural in between form, it’s worn her down. And the extra studies hadn’t helped. Being their leader, she needed to know strategy, policy, discipline and conduct, and so much more. It is all utterly exhausting. She falls down to sprawl across the remaining couch and determines to stay there until the room stops moving.

Colm felt he had it the easiest for today. Given the fact that his arm had been broken in the second or third test, he’d been dismissed early. He did his best to ignore the part where he’d had to subject himself to surgery in order to properly fix the arm. It doesn’t help to grip about things like that when he’d recover so quickly; faster than his friends with exception of Lou. Colm decidedly leaned back against a bookshelf he knew would not move and closed his singular eye.

Lou didn’t say or do much of anything. She dragged herself (rather dramatically) through the entryway and remained on the floor. Her body was working to repair itself and she lacked the functionality of her legs. They’d given her a taste of torture, always demanding she recover faster. But that’s just it - she doesn’t mind being in pieces. But they minded. It was fine that she didn’t want to get up. Nobody bothers her here.

Charter seems to be none the worse for wear. To a stranger, they might spot his resting smile and think he’d had a pleasant afternoon. Those that knew him had the sense that it was a tired expression; Charter doesn’t smile as often as outsiders believe. A look like that meant he no longer had the energy to care. Simply smiling is easiest. And that is how he completed tasks - smiling. He sat, or rather sank, into a one person sofa, head to his chest, eyes shut tight.

Talos says nothing as it walks past them all and sits down in a corner, facing the walls. Their own tests usually overloaded their processors and overwhelmed sensitive tools. Even now small cracks of electricity jumped from circuits to PlastOre “skin” to the surrounding air. They didn’t like stimulation of any kind at points like this; everyone does their best not to disturb its peace.

Basma has never before had to undergo such rigorous trials. Another unexpected quirk to being stationed at Fort Finium. She was starting to think of the unexpected as her only expectation. Maybe then she won’t be surprised anymore. It hardly mattered, as he own tests had apparently ended early, too. She could not quite recall all of the details, but there had been a strong presence helping soothe her breathing and she’d recovered in the medical tent. Her place was sitting, legs stretched out and crossed at the knee, helmeted head in her hands.

None of them spoke for a time. No one needed to. In that small, quiet moment, they were together in the same thoughts and feelings. They despised the treatment given to them. So carelessly were they run ragged - knowing their superiors had ordered it increased the squad’s resentment. But none would say it, much less act on it. They’re all here for the long haul. And, given they’re left relatively alone for a majority of the time, ignored by the armed forces at large, perhaps this was a low price to pay.

[cmasociety]

Conquering Imposter Syndrome: Elevating Self-Esteem and Confidence to New Heights

Dear reader, have you ever found yourself in a situation where you're doubting yourself? Perhaps you're using harsh labels like "fraud" or "phony," worrying about your competence or qualifications. Don't worry; unfortunately, this is quite common and is known as 'Imposter Syndrome.' Approximately 1 out of 3 people suffer from it, and 70% of individuals will experience it in their lifetime. It commonly occurs when entering new situations, such as a new school, program, or job, where the pressure to succeed, combined with a lack of experience, leads to feelings of inadequacy.

Imposter Syndrome is not limited to new situations; it can also affect individuals who experience low self-efficacy, perfectionism, and neuroticism. Additionally, it may overlap with social anxiety.

If you find yourself grappling with Imposter Syndrome, there are helpful resources available. The Student Wellness Centre offers counseling services, providing support to diminish symptoms and identify the root cause. It's possible that Imposter Syndrome is linked to an underlying concern, such as anxiety or depression. Consider reaching out to professionals, including counselors or psychiatrists, to help navigate through these feelings and conquer any underlying issues. 

Visit the Student Wellness Centre counseling page to explore how you can receive the support you need. Check out additional support provided by the Student Wellness Centre:

ACT on Anxiety 

DBT: Interpersonal Effectiveness 

Managing Your Worry and Anxiety 

Mend Your Mood

Stress-Less Drop In

“Navigating the leap from Science to Humanities” - Jacqueline 

 I experienced major imposter syndrome in my first year of university when I began as a life science student. I felt like everyone was much more qualified, had everything together, and was overall smarter and more capable than I was. I struggled with these feelings for months, especially around midterm and exam seasons when I realized my passion for science wasn't as strong as I had thought (I was also at risk of failing two courses, lol!). Long story short, I was able to change my life course through a lot of introspection, seeking support from the student wellness center, and visiting the academic office. My first year was tough, and I faced numerous mental challenges with my self confidence and in the uncertainty of switching majors. Looking back, I would do it all over again if it meant being where I am today. I encourage you, readers, to have compassion for yourselves and listen to what that inner voice is telling you, remember that you are not alone in your experience! 

“Starting a New Job” - Anastasia

For me, I had major imposter syndrome when I was offered a Teaching Assistant position at Mac. While I jumped for joy at the offer, as soon as that happiness wore off, I felt like I was going to puke from the anxiety! I’d never taught anything before, nor did I think I knew the course well enough to help 25 students learn about the program I am so passionate about. I started to doubt myself, beating myself up and telling myself that I wasn’t the right fit for the position, worried that I’d scare off or impact the education of the students in my tutorial. I would go into my tutorial and reprimand myself whenever I couldn’t answer a student’s question at that moment. But, as we near the end of the semester, I realized that I loved being a TA! It was an awesome and fulfilling experience for me and it showed me to stay positive and believe in myself. Beating yourself up and staying in your head may harm your mental health, while also not allowing you to celebrate your successes! You’ve gotta let go of those negative feelings and just go for it because if you don’t start now, when will you? 

Upcoming Event: Industry Night!

Are you still trying to figure out what to do with that comms, media arts, or humanities degree? Come out to our Industry Night on January 11, 2024 where you’ll be able to network and listen to professionals in all sorts of industries. Did we mention there will also be snacks  👀 For more information visit the CMAS Instagram page. To secure your ticket, visit the CMAS linktree. 

We hope you found some insight on this month’s topic! With exams around the corner we hope you take the time to self-care, reflect, and reach out if you need to. 

Until next time reader, Jacqueline & Stass