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xnchxntmxnt · 3 years

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OMG HAPPY 2OO LUV!! ILYSM, AND YOU DEFINITELY DESERVE MORE!! AS EXPECTED I'M HERE FOR THE MATCHUP EVENT AND I'M SO SORRY FOR BEING LATE KSDJFHSDF

1 | name : amie 2 | pronouns : s/her 3 | preferred gender : doesn't really matter 4 | self-description :

— it's ya clown sho <3 anyway, i'm an ambivert but more inclined towards the introvert side. my MBTI is INFJ and i'm a Gemini. i'd describe myself as someone who's very observant? yea, i guess. i'm awkward and you know it. My favorite color is blue, specifically sapphire, but i love all pastel colors. My fav show is Chicago Medical and all the psychological and crime thrillers out there are my favorite ( silent patient is my #1 though ) I love painting, playing piano and basketball!

— what i look in a partner you ask, uh, someone who can tolerate my silence. there are times when i go quiet for a whole day, i'll barely speak, no interaction nothing. i want someone who'd not exactly 'deal with it' but 'understand it.' also, i want someone who i can talk to without any hesitation. i have a hard time opening up so i don't do it but when i do, i spill almost everything. i might cry, might have anxiety attack, i might even shout. i know it's not very healthy but i want someone who can help me with those. plus someone who i can read with please <3 cheating and not having any respect for personal space would be the major deal breaker for me

5 | gen. aesthetic : my fashion sense starts from sweats and ends in sweats. i'm a big fan of those oversized hoodies and shirts, like something really comfy. however, i do have a collection of formal wears like blazers and dress.

6 | color/s to describe myself : red, actually. if not read then blue. it switchers but red 90% of the times.

7 | fav song/s : literally everything by Chase Atlantic and The Neighborhood. However, my absolute favorites are some of the famous classical pieces like Experience by Ludovico Einaudi and Chopin's Ballade No. 1 Op 23.

8 | fav genre of music : classical music ( Beethoven, Einaudi and Chopin own my heart )

Lol this is very lengthy I'm sorry, btw congrats again!

I looked into MBTI, I looked into zodiacs, I went off of what you said

Here he is, the man, Seijoh’s do-it-all guy

HANAMAKI TAKAHIRO ur new boyfriend

There is not enough content for him, anyway

How You Met

Bear with me here

Think about this

Artist!hanamaki

You love painting? Art club.

Idk if youre actually in any art club but shhh

Anyway, it was probably some sort of community thing full of tons of different age artists (bc you’d have basketball or something after school and he had volleyball)

So like once a week on thursday afternoons everyone gets together and does all sorts of artsy stuff

Everyone listens to lo fi music (or you can bring headphones) and chit chat and just paint for a couple hours

Its in the back section of a library (bc the library near me does stuff like this its awesome) so if you want you can go read a book while you wait for things to dry

One day the person that ran it suggested you talked to the new guy

He was about your age, it was his first day, they didn't know what all he was good at, and tbh they thought you two would look cute together

Just the vibes yk

So you set up your canvas and stuff next to him and introduced yourself

And you guys just vibe to the playlist

He’s REALLY good

Compliments you a lot too

Which is fun because he’s cute so it makes you a little flustered

You find out you guys go to the same school and he’s on the VB team

And says he has a (practice) game that weekend and asks you to come if you can

Which you do

And they win! So its fun!

Matsukawa basically asks you out for him though

He’s heard all about you already

“You don't get it issei! She’s so pretty!! God, she touched my hand and I thought I was gonna die!!!!!” “the enthusiasm is new for you” “shut up asshole” (conversation from the night before)

So he walks up to you after the game and is like “Hey so,,, we’re going out to get some lunch, you wanna come?”

Makki thinks HES flirting with you and is pissed off about it

Until you all sit down for lunch and oh, the only open spot for him is next to you (since when is matsukawa willing to sit between iwaizumi and oikawa??)

He asked you out after art club that week (Mattsun threatened not to give him any more monster for the rest of the month if he didn't get the guts to do it)

General Headcanons

You date hanamaki, you're also dating matsukawa

There’s no separating them (good thing ur MBTIs work together too, especially for strong friendships)

This was literally my first thought

Good luck with both these trolls

More on that later

Of course he’s going to be worried if you go radio silent for a while, but he'll understand

There are some days he’s not gonna wanna talk either

He’s really supportive on your bad days of course

Expect a random text in the middle of the evening from him

“Hiya sweetheart, just wanted to remind you that you’re beautiful, I love you, and I hope your day is going well.”

When he’s having a bad day, the same thing is all he needs from you to keep moving

He’s a really honest person. If you want to talk to him, be prepared not to get any sugar coating. If you tell him to shut up because you don’t want advice, he will. But if you expect advice from him, expect brutally honest advice. Subtlety is not his strong suit, so when it comes to advice, he’s going to tell it like it is. He's just trying to help, yknow?

However, he’s pretty good with people, so will know how to comfort you when something is bothering you. Tea and cuddles? Gotcha. Dancing at 11pm because neither of you want to sleep yet? On it. You want him to hold you? Perfect.

He’s not like...the most touchy person? There are some things he’s really indifferent on, and other things he’s stubborn as hell with. Whatever you wanna do, though

His weakness though

⚠️this part is slightly little bit suggestive⚠️

He will randomly walk up to you and pull you against him, give you a really deep kiss, smirk and walk away like nothing happened

Like hands in hair probably almost making out and then just

Walk away

Because that’s how he kisses and it’s breathtaking every time

It’s either little temple kisses or forehead or cheek pecks or something

Or that

And probably leaves you flustered and it’s funny (to him) (and to me if I was there with you) (bc that would be funny)

Hmm I’m thinking

I’m thinking hair dye dates

He needs help doing his hair from time to time Y’know (he doesn’t he just likes spending time with you) and he wants to make it pink again

So he teaches you how to do his hair and even offers to dye yours one day

Either just a strand or the ends or everything, up to you

Imagine having twinning hair dye with makki isn’t that cute

I think it’s cute

I said ur platonically dating mattsun right

Yes you are now

He absolutely adores you and loves how much makki loves you

Probably would have asked you out if makki didn’t but he was really pushing for makki to because he was just all over you in the beginning

He wasn’t overly attached to you romantically so being friends? Perfect. Sounds great

You two get along wonderfully though like you act like siblings once you warm up to each other

Again, very brutally honest person, but a little more awkward so doesn’t know what he’s saying might come off as he’s acting like a dick

He doesn’t try to though and he does really care about you

Flat out told makki if he breaks up with you and breaks your heart he’s gonna kick his ass (makki doesn’t know he had the same (less aggressive) conversation with you)

Tbh all of the VBC at seijoh loves you

Oikawa loves talking to you he thinks you’re great for makki

Gets you in on he and makki and mattsun’s antics

Iwa thinks you’re good too he just doesn’t know you as well

I think that kunimi would like you (he was almost a runner up--)

Kindaichi too

The first years just think you’re cool even if they won’t say it out loud

Seijoh VBC loves you

You got mattsun’s approval

And hanamaki loves you with literally everything in his life

You’re pretty set with your strawberry baby huh

Date Night!

SLEEPOVERS

I was waiting for some matchup to come along that gave me sleepover vibes

In a perfect world where you could do sleepovers with your bf because most parents would,,,not let that happen

Imagine…

He shows up at like 7:00 after practice, pizza in hand because he picked up dinner

You two eat, chat about your day, he probably scarfs down half the pie bc it’s after practice ofc he’s hungry

So when you guys are done eating you head up to your room

And make pillow fort

It’s mandatory

Different design every time, but there’s a pillow fort nonetheless

And then when there’s just enough room for the both of you to climb in

You get a blanket and a couple pillows and one of your phones or laptops or whatever and watch a movie and cuddle

When the movie is over you guys break out the face masks

You ever wonder why he has such great skin? It’s thanks to you (or if you don’t have masks, he picks them up on the way home from practice)

But anyway you guys talk shit about people for a while and sit with the masks on (it’s usually him talking about how Oikawa is a bitch as much as he loves him) (or about whatever he and Mattsun were talking about lately)

You both get chances to vent while the masks sit on your face and you just vibe with music (usually that you pick) (he listens to like,,,meme songs and like CORPSE yk)

After masks you guys make/get some snacks and munch on those during another movie but this time you’re in comfy jammies and more relaxed Y’know

Less paying attention to the movie you’ve seen a million times and just vibing in each other’s presence and it’s just really sweet

Fall asleep on his chest

Let him fall asleep on yours

Either way, you’ve got him whipped for you he loves you

Not that he doesn’t already but that’s his favorite thing ever so please just let him do that

Always makes sure to tell you he loves you before you sleep too

If you fall asleep first he takes embarrassing pictures of you with your hair being a mess & you best bet he sends them to mattsun because “she’s so cute omfg” “dude” “dude what” “you’re so fuckin stupid” “?” “Whatever—good luck being whipped just tell me when you need to get a ring, k” “you’re such a jackass” “yeah yeah Gnight”

Zodiac/MBTI

Okay so I’m not doing a big long paragraph for all this BUT from what I understand, Gemini/Aquarius are really compatible, and ENTP and INFJ are known as “perfect matches” sO (I had a really hard time deciding between Atsumu and Makki because they're both ENTP)

Psst Gemini + Leo is compatible and so is INTP + INFJ,,,, so, again, asking you to marry me sho 💍💍

Aesthetic/Vibes

Playlist

Prelude and Fugue No. 1 in C major, BWV 846

Linus and Lucy by Vince Guaraldi Trio (meme song)

Sky Full Of Stars by The Piano Guys

Someone To You by The Piano Guys

Shut Up And Dance - Simply Three

Runners Up

Miya Atsumu, Tsukishima Kei

#sho — 💍#//ᴍᴀᴛᴄʜᴜᴘꜱ

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angeloncewas · 3 years

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yeah i totally agree with what you said about satire and schlatt basically taking the easy way out. it seems like since that video he's kinda eased back from doing that shit, either bc the backlash or bc his friends have started verbally calling him out on it, both to his face and through making comments about him on stream (comments as in like saying they dont agree with what he did and saying they thought that video was terrible, not like them shading him or whatever ajsksk) which is good but also i wouldnt be surprised if something like that video happened again just bc like. it is his career and at this point he has to know what his larger fanbase is like to an extent, which means he also knows those terrible fucking jokes will make him money. i dont like that, but im also not gonna sit around and pretend like i cant see the fucking obvious, ya know? from what ive seen of him when he's not putting on a show for his main channel, or when he isnt around people who both encourage and enable his bad behavior (not saying this to shift blame, ive just noticed how he goes from making actually funny jokes that are harmless or, at most, a pretty obvious example of him poking fun at shitty people, at least imo, to like. straight up just being offensive when he's with people like swagger, miz, etc. vs ted, charlie and so on), he seems like a pretty good guy and its pretty clear to me that he doesnt hold the same views as the character he plays up for his main channel but that doesnt change the fact that his audience is now full of the worst kinds of people and that is how he makes money.

as someone who, again, watched idubbbz, as well as filthyfrank, they both stated they were playing characters and they didnt agree with the shit they were joking about, joji especially, but them saying that isnt very well known by even their own fanbase who just watches their main channel stuff, bc the one video where joji made that explicitly clear what he was doing, he later deleted for people harassing him in the comments (it was an old ass video where he basically said that playing those characters was giving him literal health problems, specifically stress induced seizures, and his comments were so bad that he never made an ooc video on his main channel again) and the one video i can think of where ian explicitly said he was playing a character was like an hour long podcast with h3, which most people dont even wanna watch bc it is a painfully uncomfortable one hour, considering the fact that they are supposed to be friends. besides that, the only other time they were really out of character was in vlogs with maxmoefoe, and they still did their offensive bits from time to time bc it was still going up on youtube, even if it wasnt their main channel. compare that to schlatt who has, as far as i know, never explicitly said he's playing a character, and the closest he has gotten to saying that was in some weekly slap video that i cant remember the title of bc all those videos kinda blend together if im being honest. like they definitely show a different, better side of him, but they are also all really short videos with only gameplay to watch and he never even promotes the channel, so its not like the shitty people watching him are like "hm time to take some time out of my day to go watch big man schlatt give people advice and be a genuine person for once", right?

idk. schlatt is just such a weird person for me bc like. he is a big comfort for me, i really do enjoy his content when he's not making bad stabs at satire (bc sometimes he does it right!! but a lot of the time, at least recently, he has just missed the mark entirely, to the point where it feels like he wasnt even trying to hit the mark at all), but he is also so uncomfortable to watch sometimes just bc he seems to either not know where the line is, or thinks crossing it is okay bc its him playing a character and that's not fun to watch as a minority who often ends up being apart of that "punchline".

that aside tho...yes, unfortunately idubbbz does still make content (and i say unfortunately bc it is not very good) though it seems like he is very slow to upload and last i checked, the views arent too great, but ive seen worse. probably the only thing that could bring back his views at this point would be a content cop, but like a year or so back he said he has no plans of continuing the series bc he finds it boring now, which is fair enough. i dont really keep up with him anymore, but as far as i know, he just got married to anisa and he streams on twitch sometimes, besides that the dude is a mystery to me!

—🦷 (also im sorry if this is formatted weird, for whatever reason tumblr has indented each of my paragraphs with one of those grey line thingys and it wont let me remove it. if it doesnt show up in the actual ask then ignore this!)

This is kind of old now (sorry), but I still wanted to respond because I really appreciate your perspective :)

> I always wonder how people not involved in the fandom view Schlatt. Because wasn't there this thing about Hasan genuinely thinking that he was conservative? And like he obviously doesn't now, but does that not impact how he sees him and his content? I don't mean to dictate friendships - of course - I'm just curious as to the impact of having that audience from an outsider pov. I remember being shocked what that thing happened with the pdp fan, but I later found that many people weren't because they knew the nature of the audience he cultivated; maybe I'm just stupid, I had no idea. (Not that Schlatt and pdp are the same, it's just a loose comparison.)

> No one should face harassment, but I doubt Joji deleting that video helped his case. (I mean ig it worked out in the long term considering everything that happened with his music, but yk.) I'm very sorry for the health problems he faced with the characters themselves though. I don't know much about him but that sounds awful.

> I have thoughts on The Weekly Slap, but I think they make me sound bitter and don't add much so just know that they're there ajfdkjdf. I will say that he doesn't seem like "Jschlatt" in them, and moreso just a guy. I know that he quit it for a number of reasons and one of them was not being comfortable with that kind of connection in relation to his increasing fame, but honestly I think his complete dislodgement from his fanbase isn't healthy either.

> I mean, I get it. I've watched a lot of content from a lot of people - ranging from kind of unpleasant to very unsavory - and it's kind of a weird feeling with YouTube and Twitch stuff. Idk it's like - when I go to the grocery store, I'm not wondering if the guy checking my things out is a racist. When I see a commercial, I don't wonder if that guy advertising chicken nuggets is a secret creep. But with content creation of this kind, it's just a weird thought in the back of my mind. I don't know if this makes sense lmao

> Weird that Idubbz finds content cop "boring." I guess the formula is kind of stale and half of the content was the edge, but it seems like the kind of thing that'd be perfect to capitalize off of around now. Cool that he got married... I think. I mean if he's happy ???

> Don't mind the formatting, and sorry to respond like WAY past when this conversation was relevant T_T. I read it right away but the timing got off with actually being able to type stuff out.

#angel answers #long post #discourse #🦷 anon #ask to tag #negative #cc critical #if u like schlattit is #sidjfd

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hellswolfie · 4 years

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The Mark of Athena Review

Ok so once again i continue reading “The Heroes of Olympus” and once again i need to vent so Tadaaaaa !!

So before I start, here is a more general Review : I really REALLY liked this book. Favorite of the serie so far. Also, obviously, SPOILERS !!

THINGS I DIDNT LIKE :

- The role of Frank : I can maybe forgive that, because with 7 main characters i understand it’s difficult to give them all an important role in one single book. But I really loved him in “The Son of Neptune” and I really wanted to see more of him, and the most of what we got was him being the Jealous Boyfriend. It was kind of disappointing so I hope it’ll change in the next books.

- Piper : it costs me a lot to put her there because I really really loved her in “The Lost Hero” but I have to admit I didn’t like one single chapter of hers in “The Mark of Athena”. Or at least not completely. In the first book there was the relationship with her dad, her culture, her dealing with the fact she was an Aphrodite children, the begining of a friendship with Annabeth and Leo... But in this book ? It’s only about Jason. Endlessly. And it’s so tiring and eyeroll worthy, especially when we compare her “issues” over JASON with the others’. And even without that, she was really not a great person in this book and not in the interesting way : she was ready to put the whole World in danger just so Jason wouldnt stay in New Rome, kept Charming Up her friends just for convenience (like srsly i know thats not supposed to be a Big Deal but thats still mind control so yikes), and when it came down to it, no matter what she said about how Leo is like her little brother or Annabeth is her BFF, she only gave a crap about Jason Jason Jason...There was barely a scene of her with the other two. And I find it frustrasting that it didn’t even feel like the plot during her chapters were about her, but more about Jason and her being a support for him, even though they were HER chapters !!

- Jasiper : Well I guess that’s not really a surprise lol. I never liked this pairing and this book didn’t change my mind on that at all. Piper keeps clinging to the three months THAT NEVER HAPPENED (and that apparently weren’t faithful to Jason’s character like srsly is she even really in love with HIM or the idea of him she had in her mind ?) instead of the 8 real months they spent together, thinks it’s a miracle when Jason appologizes (he’s a real catch huh ?) and is so so sure he’ll leave her to go to New Rome which first : wow you really have faith in this relationship huh ? But also second : why is this such a Big Deal ?? Even if he did go to New Rome she could still follow him (she made it pretty clear she’d leave all of her friends in Camp Half Blood to be with him), it’s not like he’s a whole new different person when he’s there !! And my baby Reyna was so hurt by that, like Jason was a reall asshole here, even if he was oblivious and didn’t realize her feelings for him she’s still supposed to be his friend and the first thing he asks after 8 months of disappearing is if he can spend alone time with his gf ? And I found it kind of frustrating that in the end, all the others left on their own to do their own things (yk, to save the fucking world ?) while literaly risking their life and Jasiper just...went on a date. Like seriously ? So yeah. Not a fan.

- The whole Frank x Leo “rivalery” : Why make another older character be attracted to 13 years old ?? Can you stop that ??? Leo could also be a real ass sometimes, even tho I still love him and Frank well...I already talked about that. This book had enough pissing contests between guys as it is.

- Percy apparently forgetting all the Hercules stuff he learned in “The Titan Curse”. I know it might not seem like THAT much of a deal but it was a really important thing for his character ? That he learned how Heroes, especially Hercules, were real assholes too and that he had to learn to not be like them ? That Zoe, his friend who sacrificiced herself to save the world, was treated like shit by this guy but now he was still like “omg this is Hercules I SO want to meet this guy he seems great !!” ???. It was just one sentence but I hated it.

- The focus on the Romantic relationships. Look I have nothing against romance and ships. I love romantic love in stories !! But I also love friendships and I really wish this book would have given us more of that instead of spending so much time on romantic relationships. I mean it is pretty well illustrated in the end of the book when they all separate : all the groups are romantic pairings. Percabeth, Jiper, and Frazel with Leo who has kind of a crush on Hazel. And as much as I love Frazel and Percabeth, where are the friendships ?? Percy and Jason’s relationship was supposed to be very important in this book so why didn’t we see more of that ?? What about the friendships that were already established like Percy with Frank and Hazel, Leo with Piper and Jason, Piper and Anabeth,...And all the new friendships that could have had more screen time like Annabeth and Frank or something !! So yeah that was disappointing.

THINGS I LOVED :

- the River God scene. Ok so yes I kind of lied : I enjoyed this chapter of Piper. Well this scene at least. And only kind off, because it is still a Jasiper moment but anyway. In my last review of “the Son of Neptune”, I mentionned how it always annoyed me that the heroes have a habit of always making the Good Moral Decision, without any hesitation, even if the fate of the world is in the balance. I was like “Give me morally conflicted characters damn it” !! And that’s what I got here. Piper having to lie to the God, taking his horn that was so important to him, even tho he was just a very tragic dude, to save Jason and the World, realizing that even if it is bad and she feels like shit after doing it, she still had to do it...YES !!! THANK YOU !! I LOVED THAT !!!

- The LEO X NICO INTERACTIONS !!!!!! After spending 2 books shipping them (they’d fit so well together i will die on this hill) they finally talked !!! Well once, and about the fact that Percabeth just fell into fucking Tartarus but like !!! TALKING !!!! And the first thing Nico tell him is to reassure him <3 (look I know it won’t be canon but the POTIENTIAL!!!)

- Annabeth’s chapters. I can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t like them like we finally got her point of view people !!! And it was awesome !!! I loved seeing her on a quest, the way she thinks and sees the world, how she uses her intelligence,... Like she’s so brave and smart but also so sentimental even tho she’d never admit it (like getting emo about having lost the white hair because it was a connection with Percy ? My baby is so fucking precious). And obviously we already knew that but to actually be in her head ??? It was so fucking good !! And it really succeeded to make me feel so much for her, like she’s just a kid and her mother literaly sent her to her death and she was so scared but she still kept going (only to end up in Tartarus WHYYYYYY) and I’m so proud of her. I love this character so much !!

- Percabeth : The reunion !!!! FINALLY !!!! That’s my first ever OTP right there and they’re so in love !! They’re such a badass power couple and they love eachother so fucking much !! God i missed them X( I loved every Percabeth scenes, they were so adorable and beautiful. I loved how even tho they are differents and are not always in the same page, they still know eachother so well and the communication was just so cheff’s kiss. And omg their lasts scenes together ?? Chills !! Like when Percy almost begged the (kind of?) gods to let him stay just a few more moments with her because he was so scared of never seeing her again almost brought tears to my eyes and then of course their final scene when they fall together into Tartarus, because all that matter is that they’re together...MY HEART !!!

- Percy’s and Leo’s chapters. I put them together because I don’t have much to say except that I love them so much and that I would literaly lay down my life for this two. Their chapters are always such joy to read, and after one whole book without him, I was really glad to get back with Leo. Probably the funniest chapters too.

- The Crazy Dolphins scene. This scene was fucking hilarious. Pic comedy ^^

- The crumb of friendhips dynamics we got. So much potential I want to see more !! Like Percy x Jason, Annabeth x Frank (so much Hermione x Neville vibes), Leo x Frank, Hazel x Annabeth, Percy x Frank, Annabeth x Leo (Leo who is so scared of and impressed by her as he should lol),...That’s probably one of the reasons I was so bitter about the romantic relationships getting so much more time, like ALL the friendhships that were so interestings like come on !!

- Percy thinking about LUKE !!! hjfgjehgfjhsegf !!! The fact that he still considers Luke as his fighting teacher, still thinks about his training and his advices !!! Even going as far as thinking he totally understood where he came from for doing all this horrible things !!! That was so awesome !! And such a character development !!! And that makes Percy even more of an interesting character !!! Anyway I loved that ^^

- All the mythological aspect like Rick can be such a genius sometimes with how he uses them, managing to stay faithful to them while sill adapting them to a more modern setting and that works so well !! Well its there in every single one of the PJO series book, but I just wanted to put it out there so here.

- Hazel story. Look I didn’t like the whole weird kind off “love triangle” thing with Leo and Frank. But I love Hazel and I LOVED knowing more about her and also knowing more about Leo’s ancestor (who was awesome btw). That was such an interesting story, how she discovered that her only friend back then and first love spent his whole life thinking her disappearence was his fault. And the flackback was so cute too ^^ Also Loved her being so desperate finding her brother because that’s what Nico deserves and that was adorable. I really hope we’ll get to see more of their bond.

- The end. Such an amazing cliffhanger. I could feel the tension in the scene, I could’t stop reading and then the last chapter were everyone was just so in chock but Nico still believed that Percy would come back out of it alive because he admires him so much. It was SO !!! FUCKING !!! GREAT !!! Amazing way to end this book.

And that’s also how I will end this review ^^ Feel free to comment on it (respectfully) in the comments if you want.

#percy jackson #PJO #pjo series #heroes of olympus #hoo #mark of athena #MOA #percabeth

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figuringouthowtobehere · 3 years

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please dont reblog this

i dont have many ppl to talk to. so here i am, screaming into the void that is my tumblr again.

im mostly posting this because im alone. im really really fucking alone. and im hoping i might, idfk, make a solid, trustable connection from tumblr??? idfk. im alone in the world.

please dont reblog this

cw family issues, su*cidality, abandonment, abuse, childhood abuse, trauma, being alone in the world

i have no one to go to. my entire life since i was a baby all ive ever been able to do is survive at the skin of my teeth. and here i am, 20, breathing, trying so fucking hard to live and, idk if im succeeding. im doing my film shit which is cool but. im alone. im on my own. im alone in the world. i never had parents. like, obviously i had parents, but they were never parents, dyou know what i mean? like the people who genetically made me were around but they were abusing me or just being awful or refusing to listen to me about what i needed from them, from their parenthood.

i had a conversation with my mom yesterday (after two days of not being able to get a hold of her and really really needing to) and i was basically just like ‘why cant you be my mom’ and she was like ‘i am your mom’ and i was like ‘well, yeah, but youre not--you cant--you dont mother me. and you dont mother me in the ways i need you to.’ and she was like ‘what does that look like to you?’ and i said ‘someone who i can turn to, always, someone who has my back no matter what, someone who respects me and what i need and who listens to me and trusts my experience and, yeah, someone who i can turn to always’ and she said ‘i mean i can talk with you on the phone, i can tell you what i think you should do, i can try to give you advice from my experience, but as far as someone having your back 24/7 always, i cant do that’ and we ended up talking about how im an adult now - and she was talking about it in the sense of ‘youre a grown man now, you dont need your mom like that anymore’ - and im like ‘ya, i am basically a grown man but i still need my mom. i still need parents.’ and i think im gonna end up cutting contact with her again because its too hard to simultaneously grieve her not being the mom i need and also talk to her. if im not talking to her then i can deal with the idea that i dont have a mother, that i dont have parents and i probably never will.

ive never really had people. i never really had friends when i was a child and i dont really have friends now. maybe its cause im trans, maybe its cause im autistic, maybe its cause im mixed, i dont know, but generally people in the world dont like me or it takes them a long time to not hate me. it doesnt matter why right now the point is i never had people (like, a support system) and i dont now.

so yeah im pretty seriously thinking about killing myself (or, trying to anyway). i dont wanna die but ive spent my whole life trying to just. be a person. and find contentment. and everything in my life ends up going awful or causing me a lot of trouble at some point or another. ive come to expect it. whenever anything happens in my life im just like ‘when will this go wrong. how long will it take this time.’ and im alone. im just fucking on my own. and i know theres lots of people who are and have been more alone than i am/have been and i admire these people so fucking much like GO YOU!! YOUFUCKING DID IT!!! HELL YEAH! im so proud of u. for real, i have so much respect for all yall reading this who have made it through shit and made it through being alone in the world. you fucking got this. youre doing it. good fucking job!!!!! ✨ but then. idk ig it doesnt take away from this being incredibly fucking difficult for me. pretty much everything in my life was fucked from birth to age 18 and now over half of everything in my life is fucked. which is better, for sure, but its still. ive never had a chance. idk it just seems to me like it doesnt matter. i can try and try and do all the therapies and take all the psych meds a psychiatrist might give me and i can meditate all the time. it just seems like im Doomed. (WOW i sound dumb and childish) like ik logically this is probably incorrect, that im not actually just.. doomed but thats how it feels. whenever a good thing happens im just waiting for it to collapse on me. and usually it does in way or another. generally not because of anything ive done or havent done, it just ends up being shit.

and then. ive never had anyone. i dont have anyone. im alone in the world. like its not that im ignoring people i do have or choosing to omit them from my mind right now. i have a singular friend in the place where i live; my other two friends both live in the states. i live with someone who was a support for me until like last ... july or so, i think, who now makes me feel like shit (they arent being malicious its just a bunch of issues in our relationship. theres more on that in stuff ive posted before, if you feel like digging through my posts for a while go ahead and youll find more on that) and i have like 5% (out of 100%) trust for them. i have a therapist who i see once a week and ik shes invested in me, but thats her job. and i cant just call her whenever i want. i have several people for film stuff but theyre either just casual pals and then colleagues or just colleagues. i know a lot of people, who dont really show any investment in me as a person or their relationship with me and who i dont really click well with. and thats it.

and im so. im so in love with Film. all of it. (not The Film Industry obviously.) im so fucking in love with it. the only real concrete reason that i wont end up killing myself in the next like month or two is because Film. and i just. need. people. i need parents. or something. fuck.

i think part of this is probably the long-term ramifications of ongoing childhood sexual, physical, and psychological abuse and never really having good, consistent support cause id be surprised if that didnt fuck with my brain (and, yk, untreated severe childhood brain damage from tbis beginning at less than a year old). but it doesnt really matter does it. ive been through the shit time and again and its not like anyone has appeared and been like ‘hello, i see you never had parents, this is who i am, would you like to get to know each other for a while and maybe i could be your mom?’ cause thats literally what i need. i need parents. like i know theres a thing of ‘if you didnt have parents then you cant undo that damage’ but like idk. if someone has a bunch of unhealed broken bones that got broken years ago that are now causing them a lot of pain you wouldnt just be like ‘sorry, i see youre in trouble from this shit, but because it happened years ago theres nothing we can do’ cause there is??? i forget how i was gonna say this before but like. i didnt have parents. with the ‘parents’ i had its a scientific anomaly i lived past age three. i refuse to believe that having Good Parents and a Good Support System now would do nothing for me. cause it would.

im also facing impending homelessness due to a) welfare/disability programs not giving you enough to live off and b) not having a roommate/not having support systems/not having people. so that doesnt help.

i dont know how to do this. im on my own. im doing all i can. ive reached out to everyone i feel like i could reach out to and. im on my own.

help. i guess. idk what that means but im, once again, at an incredibly fucking AWFUL point in my life and i need help. i doubt anyone will be able to but. if youre able to then. idk. do something. ik that i sound desperate and pitiful and i literally dont care at all because i literally am desperate for support and i literally am at - ANOTHER - extremely low point in my life and its pitiful. im cringing at myself actually posting this because its like ‘you think youre actually find what you need via a tumblr post? where are you? cause thats not real life dude’ but i dont fucking have people to talk to (as you have already understood 🙃) and im tired and tired and tired and tired.

if you took the time to read this i thank you and i hope ur day is going vvv well

please dont reblog this!!

#childhood abuse tw #tw #tw alone in the world #suicide tw #please dont reblog this #no rb #homelessness tw

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suddbeg · 5 years

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part 2

... to talk to table again . she pulled her little strings and told him , soooo he text me and we apologized and worked everything out , cried more , then everything was back to normal . things were normal at school , after school , when people hung out , everything . i couldnt have been happier . we texted like half of april , then stopped ? but we still talked on instagram and everyday at school . and of course , i still had feelings for this kid the entire time 😐 . didnt tell anybody tho , didnt wanna sound dumb as fuck . ummmmmmm i think the rest of that is irrelevant so we can skip forward to the middle / end of may . my almost bestfriend , well call her flag , had been having a lot of problems w her boyfriend and most of the being centered around table . her being on facetime with table , her talking to table , even jus her being friends with table . ridiculous , truly . none of us liked her boyfriend anymore so that was a large topic of conversation between table and i . her boyfriend claimed table still had feelings for her because at the very beginning of the previous year he liked her . kinda dumb but 🤷🏻‍♂️ he always thought she was cheating on him with table . i told her boyfriend he was being ridiculous because flag isnt the type of girl to cheat at all , especially not with her bestfriends ex boyfriend out of all people . so that happened , table and i had some very interesting conversations and it really felt like he felt the same way about me ??? NOW ONTO THE SHIT THAT IM LIKE PRESSED AB RIGHT NOW LMAO . flag and her boyfriend were like on the very edge of breaking up . they were on a uhhhhh “ break “ . flag and i were talking about ir and out of nowhere she hits me with “ table says he likes me “ “ we talked about it last night “ “ sydney he really likes me “ “ he told me he loves me “ 😐 oh okay . i really jus had to front like i didnt care but it kinda like hurt . i jus went w it and acted surprised as fuck because i truly was surprised as fuck but yk 🤷🏻‍♂️ “ he said hes waited for us to break up “ “ he said he wants to be with me sydney “ . at this point im kinda jus like in shock and shutting down . and shes asking for MY ADVICE and of course i want her to be happy more than i want most things but 🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️ but i truly didnt believe she felt the same so i told her to jus be like uh no . then she hits me with “ what if i like him too “ OF FUCKING COURSE SHE LIKES HIM TOO . then it goes like this ( juss using screenshots now bc im like too lazy to keep typing )

i really am happy that shes happy . id do anythinf in my power to make her happy . and i know in like a week or something ill probably look back at this and be like wow im stupid for even giving a fuck like let them be happy ... but once again i couldve told her how i felt and none of this would be happening type shit you know ? but i want her to be happy so i wasnt gonna do that . i dont know . this all is so stupid . but im really freeeeeaking frazzled right now and i need to get my feelings in order but idk what to do . its late af and im stressing over this dumb ass shit . idk .

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