#(so i can stop foaming at the mouth like a feral raccoon)

[silasbug]

i am going to work on that damned thing i've been trying to write and actually finish it so HELP ME god. there will be no scribbling. no gaming. no frolicking around on the guitar. no off-key singing and no reading. until it's done.

(i'm exaggerating, but it's a way to get motivated, i guess).

(there will be reading. a lot of it).

(the bug is weak.)

[beef-bakery]

When Robin Met Rabies

Rating: Robin Buckley x f!Reader - 3.4k words - SFW

Synopsis: Maybe Robin is a bit in over her head when you end up with a raccoon bite

Warnings: rabies, animal bite description, slight arguing, cursing, cleaning of wounds, fluff, cuddling, kisses, banter, no pronouns used for reader but is referred to as a girlfriend

You really hadn't planned for this to happen.

Robin’s shrieks in your ear interrupted your thoughts.

“Will you please just calm down?” You winced. “You're about to blow my eardrums off.”

You really hadn’t planned to get bitten, but who does? You doubted there was anyone in the world who would waltz into the woods holding out a peanut butter coated limb for a hungry and also feral racoon to chomp on - actually, thinking twice about it, you thought that Steve might be just stupid enough to do that. Only if a pretty girl asked him to, of course.

“How can I calm down?” Robin’s voice was breathless as she hiked your arm higher over her neck. She never had been the most athletic. “You might have rabies!”

You rolled your eyes. “I most certainly do not.”

“You don’t know that! We have no idea where that racoon has been.”

“Yeah, but it wasn't foaming at the mouth or anything. Trust me, I’m fine.” You yelped as Robin suddenly stopped and swept you up in a bucket lift, her hands under the back of your knees and around your waist. Hold on, maybe having rabies wasn't so bad. “You're totally overreacting.”

“Frothing at the mouth isn't the only symptom of rabies in racoons,” Robin argued.

“Well please, Encyclopedia Robin, enlighten me.” You shifted in her arms, crossing your own and glaring up at her.

“Well, self mutilation is one, and as far as I could see, that racoon had a decent amount of lacerations-”

“Lacerations? What are you? Some sort of secret surgeon?” You squinted up at her, tweaking her nose.

“Hey, don't do that,” Robin chided, stopping to look down at you before adjusting your position, pulling you higher up to get a better grip. “I don't want rabies.”

“I thought you could only get rabies through a bite,” you said mischievously, a grin slowly growing across your face.

“Don't give me that look.” Robin said, fixing a serious stare onto you. A silly thing, really. Seriousness didn't suit Robin. “I will drop you.”

“No, you won't.”

“I promise, I will.” Making direct eye contact with your girlfriend, you slowly opened your mouth, inching closer to her left shoulder, which was exposed due to the tank top she wore. “Oh, no you don't.”

Before you could blink, Robin had dropped you straight on your ass. “Ow!” You moaned in pain, dropping back on the forest floor.

From where you’d been dropped, you could see that Robin had bolted out of your range. A smart move, as you weren't known to be merciful when taking revenge. However, it seemed that your yelp of pain had brought Robin back, because she was creeping slowly into your line of sight. You quickly closed your eyes, resisting the urge to stick your tongue out to play dead.

As you heard a twig snap, you cracked an eye open to observe Robin tentatively approaching. She said your name once, a nervous lilt in her voice. You groaned again, closing your eye. You heard her kneel down and seized the opportunity, grabbing ahold of her shoulders.

“Gotcha!” you yelled, leaning in close to bite her neck before deciding against it and pressing a kiss against her pressure point.

“Don't scare me like that.” Robin pushed you off, gentler this time.

You stuck your bottom lip out, pouting and giving her puppy dog eyes. You couldn't keep up the facade, cackling once she gave you her serious face again.

“Ah come on, don't be like that.” You pushed yourself up so that you were resting on your palms. “I was just joking.”

“Rabies isn't a joke,” she chided, standing up and offering you a hand. You grabbed onto it, finally on your feet then on nothing at all as Robin hefted you onto her back. “The whole point of me exerting myself-”

“Exerting?” you asked, incredulous. It was out of character for Robin to use such large words, but you supposed that since she was playing doctor, she’d want to fully get into character.

“Yes, exerting,” Robin continued, slightly annoyed. “The whole point was so that you would have to use up less energy. You need to preserve it so that your body can heal.”

“Aww, that's so sweet,” you cooed. “Only, I don't have rabies.” You slipped out of her grip and back onto the forest floor, giving her a hard look. “You worry too much.” You nudged her with your shoulder before continuing your trek back to the car.

“Well, excuse me for not wanting my lovely girlfriend to be subjected to a terrible, terrible disease.” Robin jogged to catch up with you.

“Come on,” you rolled your eyes. “It can't be that bad.”

“Oh, really?” Robin raised an eyebrow at you, as if asking you to test her once more. “The mortality rate for humans who contract rabies is 99 percent.”

“Jesus! Where’d all this knowledge come from?” You squinted at her. “If you put this much energy into studying, you’d have straight A’s.”

“Who cares about straight A’s? Good grades can't save you from rabies!” You rolled your eyes as Robin continued. “And as I was saying, it’s painful! You can get muscle spasms, seizures, hallucinations. You name it, it’s probably a symptom of rabies.”

“And yet I haven't experienced any of them.” You argued, beginning to tire of this conversation.

The two of you neared the car and you gave your girlfriend the stink eye as she reached for the driver’s seat door handle at the same time you did.

“I'm driving,” you said.

“No, you’re not.” Robin shot back.

“And why not?” you asked, removing your hand. You knew that Robin couldn't possibly get into the car when the door was locked, and only you had the keys.

“You could have rabies!”

“But I don't!”

“You don't know that!”

“Neither do you!”

This was getting ridiculous. The two of you almost never fought. Bantered, sure, but you had never actually argued, and you sure as hell weren't planning on starting now.

“Robin,” you sighed out, leaning against the car. “Just let me drive.” Robin opened her mouth to speak but you cut her off. “You don't even have your license, and who’s going to drive you home? You can't take my car back to your house.”

“Then I'll just stay with you.” Robin offered. “At least until I know you’re okay.”

You let out a groan. “And just how long does it take for rabies symptoms to appear?”

“Well, it depends. It can take a few days. Or weeks. Or months.”

You threw your arms up in the air in frustration. “Well then, what does it matter?”

“Because it’s deadly!”

“Surely there's someone out there who’s survived it!”

“Last time I checked, the mortality rate was 99%.” Robin reiterated.

“Guess I’ll die, then.” You rolled your eyes and unlocked the car, sitting down. You reached for the door handle and found Robin’s hand resting atop yours. You looked up at her with a haughty look, expecting her to be in full rabies-informant mode, but found only the look of a concerned girlfriend. “Okay, fine.” You relented. “I'll come to you if I experience any symptoms.”

Robin perked up, releasing your hand and shutting the door herself, then opening the passenger door and settling in. “You know,” she said almost timidly, “It’s best to treat rabies before symptoms. After symptoms show, you have about one to two weeks before you die.” You gave her a look, to which she held her arms up defensively. “I’m just sayin’!”

The rest of the ride back to Robin’s house was relatively peaceful. There was no more talk of rabies, and you found yourself once again enjoying your girlfriend’s presence. It was only when you pulled up to her house that Robin cleared her throat ominously.

“Would you like to come inside?” Robin’s question could be perceived as innocent only through its words, for her strained voice showed her true intent.

You side eyed your girlfriend. “Any particular reason for wanting me to come in?”

“Well I just thought it would be nice, y’know? I could make dinner-”

“We both know you can't cook,” you pointed out, folding your arms.

“Okay, then you can cook and we could watch a movie or something…” Robin trailed off, clearly out of ideas. You sighed, rubbing your eyes.

“Look, babe,” you said, “I know you’re worried about me and rabies, but I’m probably fine. I'll call you if anything happens.”

“I just-” You silenced Robin with a single look, her mouth shutting guiltily. “Sorry,” she muttered. “I'm just worried about you.”

You gave her a soft smile, leaning your head against the headrest. “Hey.” You reached over into Robin’s lap to take her hand. “I understand. It’s just that it's been a long day, and I'm sick of all this rabies talk.”

“Okay,” Robin smiled. “I'll see you later.” She leaned over and your eyes fluttered closed in anticipation of a kiss, but you were surprised when her lips met your cheek instead of your lips.

“Sorry,” Robin said guiltily when you gave her a concerned look. “It’s just that rabies transfers through spit.”

You laughed loudly, pulling Robin’s hand to your mouth before pressing a soft kiss against the back of it.

“I love you. Be safe,” you called after your girlfriend. She gave you a thumbs up before blowing you a kiss, her grin brighter than the sun.

You leaned back in your seat, admiring your girlfriend while you waited for her to get inside.

---

The rest of your evening was normal: catching up on homework and having dinner before washing up for bed. It was only when you were in the shower did you start to worry.

The bite hadn't gone away. Instead it’d become somewhat inflamed, the puncture wounds tunneling deeper into the skin than you had thought was possible.

You bit your lip before scrubbing at it furiously. Fuck, shit, fuck. If you were to die from something, like hell would it be rabies, of all things.

You finished your shower, trying to ignore the throbbing bite on your forearm. It hadn't been throbbing before, had it? Maybe it was a placebo effect of sorts, your brain tricking you. It had to be some sort of result of human evolution, like survival of the fittest. Only the most paranoid humans could survive. There's no way you could have rabies, right? Right?

As the night grew deeper, you found that you couldn't ignore the gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach. You had bandaged the bite, but it most likely wasn't doing much. Bandaging was to prevent infection, and if you did have rabies, you would be countering your body’s natural response by forcing the infection to stay inside. With that thought you ripped off the bandage, wincing as you did.

You tried to sleep, but you found that you couldn't. Finally accepting that you weren't going to get a wink, you sat up in bed, turning on your light and checking the time. It was two am.

Was it too late to call Robin?

Throwing caution to the wind, you threw your legs over the side of the bed, got up and threw a coat over your pajamas. You grabbed your car keys and headed outside, starting the car to get to Robin’s house.

---

Plink. Plink. Plink.

The pebbles you threw at Robin’s window made such a noise, you worried that you’d wake her neighbors up.

“How can someone be this heavy of a sleeper?” you muttered to yourself after throwing an especially large stone, the click echoing through her cul-de-sac.

You saw her curtains move, and a yawning Robin appeared at her window. You waved, dropping the next pebble you had posed to throw.

Robin’s brow furrowed as she opened her window, leaning out ever so slightly and calling out to you. “What are you doing?”

“Uh, I missed you?” You really hadn't thought this far ahead. Up until now, your anxiety had been controlling you, dictating your moves and forcing you to drive to your girlfriend’s house.

Robin leaned back inside her room to check the time. “At two in the morning?” She rubbed her eyes. “What’s this really about?”

“Let me in and I'll tell you,” you called up.

Robin nodded, stifling a yawn and closing the window. It only took her a couple minutes, opening her front door to reveal her own pajama-clad self.

You rushed in, nearly knocking her over with the force you exerted.

“Whoa there Cinderella, the clock struck midnight hours ago.” Robin leaned against the now-closed door.

You gave her the stink eye. “Someone seems to be in a better mood.”

“That's what happens when you give someone time to wake up,” Robin said, before muttering under her breath. “But notmuch.”

“I'm sorry, did you say something?” You raised an eyebrow.

“Nothing, my love,” she said in a falsetto voice. “Now, what is it my dearest desires?” Robin fake bowed, taking your hand and giving it a loud smooch.

“Stop that.” You wiped your hand on her. “That’s disgusting.”

“If you say so. Now do tell, what brings you to my humble abode at such a late hour?” Her eyes widened as her mouth dropped open. “Would it be? You wish to besmirch me?” Robin stifled a fake sob. “I shouldn't! But it is you, is it not? How can I hold myself back? Oh, what will my father think?”

You nudged Robin rather harshly. “Hey, come on.”

“Okay, okay,” Robin held up her hands to show that she was defenseless. “Now really, why did you come over?”

You averted your eyes, instead looking at the floor, made of beautiful dark cherry hardwood planks. You scuffed your shoe, procrastinating telling your girlfriend the real reason you came over.

“Hey, shoes off,” Robin said, pointing to your feet. “I don't want to have to clean up a mess you could've prevented.”

“Right,” you said, happy to busy yourself. You slipped your shoes off as slowly as possible, delaying the inevitable. After a few moments of standing awkwardly, Robin gestured for you to start speaking. “Well… I was kinda… worriedimighthaverabies.”

“What?”

“I was kinda worried I might have rabies,” you muttered, your cheeks beginning to warm.

“What?” You couldn't tell if Robin was torturing you by making you repeat yourself, or if you were actually too quiet.

“I was worried I might have rabies!” you nearly shouted.

Robin flinched back, rubbing her ears. “Jesus, you could wake the whole town with those lungs.”

You huffed out, “Well, maybe everyone would still be asleep if someone could actually hear!”

Robin grinned at you. “Sorry, what was that?”

“Shut up.” You hit Robin’s shoulder with your own as you headed for the stairs. “Coming with?”

Robin rolled her eyes. “It's my house, dumbass. Of course I'm coming.”

And that's how the two of you ended up in Robin’s bathroom, you perched on top of the toilet lid, Robin on the rim of the bathtub, the two of you surrounded by various medical appliances.

Robin held up the instructions included in her first aid kit, tilting her head to the side. “There's nothing in here about treating rabies,” she murmured. You felt your heart sink, but your girlfriend grinned up at you. “Thankfully, you have a master rabies informant sitting in front of you, so don’t worry about a thing.”

“Alright, Big Words Buckley, what should we do?”

Robin held her hand out expectantly, and you gave her your forearm.

“Did you put a bandage on it?” Robin squinted at your arm.

“Yeah…” You rubbed the back of your head with your free hand.

Robin tutted, running her finger across the leftover residue the bandage left. “You should’ve let it air out.”

“I know, that's why I took it off.”

“Smart.” You looked up to snap back at your girlfriend, but you found there was no sarcasm in her voice. You reddened ever so slightly.

“Did you disinfect it?”

You shook your head. “I washed it with antibacterial soap and body wash, but nothing more than that.”

“We can rinse it with alcohol.” You raised your eyebrows at that, prompting Robin to roll her eyes. “Not that kind of alcohol, like rubbing alcohol.”

“And here I was, thinking I was going to get blasted tonight.”

Robin released your arm, moving to retrieve the rubbing alcohol from underneath the sink.

“This will probably sting,” she said, going back to her place on the bathtub while soaking a cotton pad with alcohol.

“Won't hurt as bad as the bite,” you joked, but you immediately winced once the alcohol made contact. Sure, your wound wasn't open anymore, but it still managed to get in between the somewhat healed skin.

Your sharp inhale prompted Robin to stop pressing the pad to your arm. She looked up at you with concern, an odd look from your usually playful girlfriend.

“It’s fine,” you managed, forcing yourself to exhale slowly.

“Alright.” Robin pressed the pad back down, wiping your arm down once a suitable amount of time passed.

“Anything else, Doc?” you asked lightly, taking her hand into yours.

“Not anything we can do now,” she said, squeezing your hand before leaning over to throw away the pads. Robin got to her feet without removing her hand from yours, pulling you up in a swift move.

“Well well,” you teased, “you’re a regular prince charming.”

Robin shrugged, pulling you in to press a soft kiss against your lips. “What can I say? I’ve wooed my fair share of maidens.”

Robin released you with a grin to wash her hands in the basin. She only looked up at your reflection in the mirror when you wrapped your arms around her waist, pressing your cheek against her shoulderblades.

“Hello there,” she chuckled softly, turning off the tap.

“Hi,” you smiled.

Robin stood up, twisting to face you before placing her wet hands on your cheeks and kissing you loudly.

You laughed and placed your hands on her chest, pushing her away. “Now look at what you’ve done! I'm all wet!”

“Oh, are you now?” Robin gave you a mischievous grin, snaking her hands beneath your shirt.

“Stop!” You tried to wriggle away from your girlfriend, but that only caused her to pull you closer.

At some point you gave up, allowing her to dry her hands on you.

“That doesn't seem to be the most sanitary option,” you warned as she finally pulled away.

“Why not? You just showered, so there's probably not that much sweat or oils on you.”

“Fair,” you agreed.

Robin cocked her head to the side. “Do you wanna stay overnight?”

You smiled in response. “No, dumbass, I want you to send me out into the cold like a forsaken harlot. Yeah, I wanna stay overnight.”

Robin kissed your cheek and took your hand to lead you to her bedroom, even though you already knew the way.

“Might I offer you our humblest chambers,” Robin batted her eyelashes and gestured to the floor. “We don't offer this rug to just anyone.”

“Oh, shut up,” you pushed past your girlfriend, launching yourself onto her bed, bouncing on top of her bed as you landed.

“Make yourself at home, why dontcha?” Robin muttered, but there was a playful spark in her eyes.

Robin made a big show of rearing up and jumping on top of her bed, and by proxy, you.

“Oof.” The air in your lungs whooshed out of you.

“Oh, are you okay?” Robin asked, rolling off of you.

“I'm fine,” you said, rolling onto your side to look at her.

You really could admire her forever. Robin’s mousy brown hair looked almost golden in the moonlight. You held up a hand to bat at her hair.

“Hey,” Robin tucked that strand of hair behind her ear.

“God, you’re so beautiful,” you breathed. Robin’s cheeks tinged pink ever so slightly.

“Don't play with me,” she said, laying down on her back, her eyes to the ceiling.

You propped yourself up, taking her cheek in hand. “I'm serious,” you whispered affectionately. “I'm the luckiest girl in the world.” You leaned in for a kiss, pressing one on her lips, then both her cheeks and nose.

Robin finally laughed, a soft thing, rumbling underneath your forearm. You smiled down at her, finally laying down, your head on her chest, her arms around your waist.

“Goodnight, love,” she whispered.

“Goodnight,” you whispered back, snuggling closer.

[ssvgawara]

Arsonist Goshiki x reader x cannibal Noya who only eats fingers or toes

Arson and cannibalism

Paring: arsonist goshiki x reader x cannibal nishinoya wc: 681 genre: this is pure humor and nothing else a/n: so this was a total joke that became a thing but its based off of this thing I wrote for dev and this bad imagine caz @bby-bokuto wrote which had me cracking up but uh hope yall enjoy this!! bc it is 5am and I spent my entire night on this lmaooo also yall better catch the raccoon!y/n tease

After you and Goshiki set Ushijimas house on fire you think you’ve gotten away with arson and murder for like a week until you learn that there was a security camera that caught y’all in the act. Once y’all realize you’ve been found out Goshiki’s only thought is, “Damn I can’t be the ace anymore”

So y’all go on the run. And in reality, you could’ve copped a plea deal by saying you were forced into it and didn’t have a choice but this feral and unhinged Goshiki is really attractive so you’ll risk it for him you guess. So anyways you guys are the run hiding out wherever you can. Mainly in parks because you’re high schoolers with little money on the run from the law. You guys get really good at pickpocketing so at least you’ve got a lil cash here and there.

Every day you beg Goshiki for y’all to stop running because dam you’re tired and if you’re gonna be criminals you at least wanna settle down and change your identity so you can finally just vibe. Eventually, y’all find a cave to settle in for a while just cause you don’t wanna keep running and Goshiki is tired of you’re crap. Y’all live in this cave for a few days as comfortable as you can for a fucking cave.

One day you and Goshiki are simply vibing when you hear some really sus rustling and noises you turn to Goshiki and speak up.

“Goshiki did you hear that?”

“It’s probably just a raccoon or something y/n we are in a cave you know.”

You just shrug and nod and go back to vibing. Honestly, you were beginning to bet bored of sitting there but then BAM all of a sudden a feral Nishinoya appears foaming at the mouth begging for fingers or toes. Like wtf? Is he okay? Once he sees you two sitting there a little freaked he calls down because honestly, goshiki looks like he might light noya on fire (damnit goshiki we can’t kill anyone else we already have too many accounts of homicide on our shoulders).

Once everything is settled and Noya’s not trying to nibble on anyone’s appendages you all realize wow we are on the run from the law let’s hang out together. And run away from the cops. Noya’s like, “I know a place” and takes you to an abandoned house.

“Noya, what is this place?” You say nervously eyeing the place up standing close to Goshiki.

“It’s an abandoned house I found so I can eat fingers and toes in peace, its been abandoned for a while so I just said squatters rights! And started staying here” He says this with a little to much joy and excitement for your own comfort but you nod along because an abandoned cannibal house is better than the cave.

So the three of you settled into living in this random abandoned house. You were able to live comfortably for a few weeks

That is until one day Noya was getting very hangry. He had no fingers or toes leftover and it was storming so he wasn’t gonna rob someone of their fingers on a day like this, that’s just rude. You’re currently napping because rainy days are for naps and even if you are a criminal you gotta keep up the aesthetic okay.

Noya takes this as an opportunity to rob you of your fingers like he just chops a couple off which if course wakes you up because now you’re in extreme pain from losing fingers.

Losing a few of your own fingers was the last straw. You could accept the arson and the murder and the cannibalism but your fingers are not for Noya to eat, you’ve been harboring criminals you’re tired of it. So you leave. You leave the house and go straight to the cops. 

Yeah, you get some jail time but not as much as Noya and Goshiki get so now you can live happily even if you only have 3 fingers on one hand.

[realfuurikuuri]

MissingArm!AU Chapter 4: I Would Give You Until The Count of Ten, but I Can Only Count To Five

Side note: I’m bad at basic math and it turns out the last chapter was mislabeled for Tumblr. Whoops.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Alright, back with a new chapter. A little later than before, but hey what the heck can you do. Regardless, I think this one is pretty fun. I’ve figured out how to put that banner at the top of things (turns out you hit share on Ao3, who woulda thought) which makes these post look way smoother than before. The song rec this time is A Left Foot Trapped in A Sensual Seduction (which the weebs among us will remember being Alucard’s theme from Hellsing). As always check out @spookylovesboba she’s great, and enjoy the chapter. 

Direct Link to chapter 4 on AO3: XXXX

Chapter below the cut

Badgerclops ran through town tired and short of breath, wondering where that feral cat bastard went. Sweetipies turned their heads when they saw Badgerclops him.

“Does Mao Mao have the hose again,”  one asked.

“Is Muffin giving out free samples, again,” asked another.

Assholes.

Badgerclops stood on top of a park bench, turning his hand into a megaphone. “Mao Mao,” he called out. “Mao Mao! Mao Mao!”

God, he felt like a green plumber looking for his brother in a haunted mansion. Badgerclops chuckled a bit at his own joke. Maybe he should have said hotel instead of a mansion to make it more current. Badgerclops stopped examining the intricacies of his own comedy when he noticed Pinky waking up to the table with a suspicious jar of mayo in his hands.

“Goss,” Badgerclops said.

“Me or the mayo?”

 “Both. Get out of here, Pinky.”

“What are you doin?”

“None of your business.”.

“Are you looking for Mao Mao?”

“Have you seen him?”

“No.”

Badgerclops shot the jar of mayo with his arm cannon. Seeing Pinky mourn did brighten his day a little. Not enough. He still needed to find Mao Mao.

“Hey! Get off of me!”

The noise snapped Badgerclops out of his thoughts. He panicked. Was it too late? Had Mao Mao already done something he’d regret? Badgerclops hurried in the voice's direction, already making plans for a quick exit. He'd already made their packs. Even a third one for Adorabat in case she was brought along, although he doubted they’d keep her. Maybe they’d ditch her at the castle? Badgerclops slapped his face and shook his head. Now wasn’t the time to be stressing about that. Now was the time to find Mao Mao.

Badgerclops rounded the corner and breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t Mao Mao. It was just Rufus getting harassed by some dog. Why was Rufus still here? He should’ve skipped town ages ago.

“Hey!” he called out nearly making Rufus jump out of his own skin.

Rufus pushed the dog away from the bouquet and snacks that the dog was after. “What do you want,” he sneered.

“Okay, one: rude. Two: don’t be so rude to the guy who can throw you in jail, Three: you don’t ask me what I’m doing; I ask you what you’re so what are you doing?”

Rufus pushed Badgerclops' finger away. “I’m visiting my friend that the blasted sheriff put in the hospital!”

Oh right, the raccoon. Kind of cute that he was still waiting for his friend.

Not cute enough to keep Badgerclops from picking the fox up and shaking him like a can of soda.

“I don’t care about your friend! I’m looking for Mao Mao!  Have you seen him?”

“Mao Mao? You mean the black cat?”

“Yes!”

“The one wearing the red cape?”

“Yes!”

“Carrying the golden sword?”

“Yes! Yes! For the love of God, yes! Just tell me where he is!”

“Alas, I haven’t seen him anywhere,” Rufus said with the smarmiest of smiles.

“Okay, you know what,” Badgerclops said, setting the fox back down. "I’m trying to keep someone from being murdered and ya'll are being, like, super ungrateful.”

The dog barked in protest.

“Yeah, that includes you.”

Badgerclops picked the dog up to pet it while he thought. The dog was a milky brown Shiba-Inu. Nothing notable aside from the fact that it had a sword on its back and a necklace. No. It was an amulet around its neck. Badgerclops didn’t pick the dog up just to look at it, he wanted to know who it belonged to. Where in the hell would a sweetipie get a dog and why hadn’t he seen it before? To Badgerclops’ dismay, there wasn’t any address stamped on the collar, but there was a name: Bao Bao .

Badgerclops rubbed his eyes and read the collar again. It still said Bao Bao.

He grabbed Rufus by the collar and used his jacket to wipe at the collar until it shined. Surely enough, it still read Bao Bao.

What? What? This dog was Bao Bao! A dog! A fucking dog! What the shit? Mao Mao described him as an evil barbarian with enough guile to pose as a hero and the psychopathy to abandon a kid whose arm was crushed by a rock! Not a dog! Not a fucking dog!

Badgerclops rubbed his temples, taking deep breaths to calm his racing heart. He should have expected this. He was the most overdramatic motherfucker to ever motherfuck, but damn dude. Whatever he resolved to accept that Mao Mao’s worst enemy was literally an animal. He just needed to kick the dog out of the valley and wait for Mao Mao to calm his tits. No, that wouldn’t do. If no one caught Mao Mao he’d definitely kill someone.

Badgerclops pushed the dog into Rufus’ hands. “Take this dog and get him out of the valley. I don’t care how it gets done. Just do it,” he ordered.

“What? I’m going to visit my friend and besides I don’t have to do anything you say.”

Badgerclops pointed his arm at Rufus, letting it shift into the high powered cannon. “C’mon just take the dog away, you know, before someone gets hurt.”

“Alright just don’t shoot me! I don’t wanna be shot!”

“There we go. Now get out of here before someone -and by someone I mean you- gets messed up.”

 Badgerclops watched Rufus turn away to finish his task.

Thump!  

Badgerclops stopped.

He turned around just in time to see a black blur with a streak of gold.

It was Mao Mao!

Badgerclops swung around brandishing his arm, opening his eye, taking careful aim. The window was more narrow than a pinhole. He watched and waited. He watched Rufus see the sword and scream in terror. He waited for Mao Mao to swing his sword with all his might.

Now!

Badgerclops let loose a net. The wound-up ball slowly spread out, snagging Mao Mao out of the air, pinning him against the wall. Badgerclops ignored Mao Mao to put his fingers to Rufus’ neck. The fox's eyes had rolled back, and foam had gathered in the corners of his mouth;The look made Badgerclops’ fur stand on end. He breathed a sigh of relief and wiped the sweat from his brow when he finally felt a pulse. The fox was definitely not fine, but he wouldn't die anytime soon. Although, the scare shaved years off his life.

Once was done with Rufus; he had to deal with Mao Mao.

Mao Mao strained against the net fruitlessly. Bao Bao looked up at his old friend, shivering, ears folded back with tail between its legs. Mao Mao probably couldn’t even hear the dog’s whimpers. He screamed at the top of his lungs. It was had no expletives. It had no threats. It only had a long, grueling explanation of his pain.

Badgerclops reached over, petting Mao Mao behind the ears. “Alright dude, let’s just chill and- “

Mao Mao quickly snapped at Badgerclops’ hand. His teeth clanging against the steel.  “C’mon dude, don’t do that. I don’t want to schedule a trip to the dentist.”

He let go of Badgerclops’ hand with a huff, but he still had that dark flame burning in his eyes.

“Badgerclops,” Tanya said, dropping down from the rooftops,” Is everything alright?”

“I’ve got things all tied up,” he said pointing to Mao Mao who didn’t find his joke amusing.

Tanya faced Mao Mao with a sullen look in her eyes. She reached out her paw to wipe a tear from his eye. Mao Mao shook her comfort away with an angry grunt. “Oh, Mittens,” she quietly cried. Tears began to fall down the Tanuki’s face, but Mao Mao didn’t notice or didn’t care.

“You should probably take Bao Bao and go before-”

Badgerclops was interrupted by a screeching roar echoed throughout the kingdom. Badgerclops facepalmed his own stupidity. He was so focused on the Bao Bao part of the message that they completely forgot about the monster. He could see the smoke, hear the screams as it rampaged.

“Tanya." He gave a slight nod of his head," where's Adorabat?"

“I left her at the house.”

Damn the fact that she was a responsible adult. She shouldn’t have to see this, but he did wish she was here. He and Tanya were the only ones who could fight; the dog was a maybe, and Mao Mao was still in the net.

“You think we can take it?”

“I… don’t know. Maybe?”

Fantastic. The moment he thought he had things under control they go right back to shit.

Badgerclops didn’t know how he knew to turn around. It was instinct. He saw the wall behind Mao Mao began to crack and crumble as the monster charged through. The beast was  large, green and scaly, like a snake with four legs. It moved like one too. Delicately turning on a dime, clinging to the side of a building while it stared them down.

His small hope that the beast would leave them alone was squashed when the monster saw the amulet around Bao Bao’s neck.

It lunged forward. Mouth open to show a wide maw. In a narrow alley like this, there was nowhere to run. It could probably get them all in one quick gulp. Badgerclops supposed such a terrible end fit such a terrible day.

A naïve thought.

Mao Mao stepped in front of the beast, sword on his back to block the teeth, heels digging into the ground as he forced the charging beast to a slow stop. Tanya, Bao Bao, Badgerclops, and the Mao Mao stopped in sheer confusion and awe. The monster didn’t hesitate. Its tail lashed at Mao Mao from the left, ripping at his skin like a whip. The tail lashed Mao Mao from the right, forcing him to stagger.

The third strike whistled through the air, barely blocked by Mao Mao’s sword. The next lash came with enough force to knock Mao Mao of balance despite blocking it. He parried the next strike, yet it still sent him cartwheeling through the air.

The second his feet touched the ground he was off. A black blur with a streak of gold. The gold cut the tip of the beast tail causing the monster to howl in pain before being silenced with a plunging attack through its skull. Badgerclops hates to admit it, but the bastard cat carried the sheriff's department.

He pulled his sword out of the monster and hopped down off the corpse. He dragged his sword on the ground behind him as he walked forward. His movements were smooth, flowing like a steady stream. Despite wearing an inviting smile, the dark flames in his eyes were raging like a wildfire.

Tanya stepped in front of him before he could get any closer. “Stop. Just… for the love of god stop, and let the dog go.”

“You’re right. I just want to... apologize to Bao Bao. Wish him well,” Mao Mao said with an almost cartoonishly large and toothy smile.

“Do I look some fucking clown to you? I know you’re lying! Just put the  sword down and let the dog go.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just want to say apologize to my childhood friend-”

SMACK!

Tanya interrupted Mao Mao with a strong slap across the face.

When he turned back the smile was gone; the dark flames still burning.

“Move,” he commanded.

“Why do you have to be like this,” she asked, her voice rising in pitch. “Can’t you just let things go? Whatever Bao Bao -this dog- did to you is in the past. It already happened and you can’t change it!”

“I know nothing can change it. I don’t expect it to. I’m not trying to change anything. I’m just trying to do some justice,” he said with a voice as cold as stone, “so, I’ll tell you once again: move.”

“No!”

Mao Mao didn’t hesitate to push past her, knocking her to the ground while he brought his sword down. Bao Bao quickly hopped out the way. Mao Mao followed the dog close behind, stabbing down over and over again, the calm facade splitting at the seams as his frustration grew.

“I’ll kill you,” he screamed, finally cornering the dog. He raised his sword up as Bao Bao looked up in terror.

Badgerclops grabbed his arm before he could finish. “Calm down! He’s just a dog-”

Mao Mao spun around, dropping the sword, tears welling in his eyes. “That dog ruined my life !”

“He did this! ” He pulled back the cape to reveal the stub of his left arm.

He picked the sword back up, raising it high over his head. “And I’m going to do it to him!”

Tanya was quick.

In a puff of smoke one, Bao Bao turned into thirty. In the second that Mao Mao stopped in confusion, she dashed forward, snatching the real one away before Mao Mao cut the horde into bits.

“Bao Bao,” he screamed,” get back here!”

Badgerclops tackled him to the ground before he could give chase. “Bao Bao! Bao Bao!” he screamed and screamed until his voice went hoarse.

* * *

Mao Mao lay in bed at HQ with his blanket tucked over his head. He felt like shit. Stopping the monster’s charge wore down the flesh on his feet to the bone, despite the monster's teeth stabbed seven holes into his back, one dangerously close to his spine, but the physical pain didn’t matter much. It was his feeling that were tearing him apart. It was one part burning rage; another part nauseating shame.

He heard footsteps approach. It couldn’t have been Adorabat cause she liked to fly (where did she go); they were too heavy to be Tanya’s (not like she wanted to speak to him anyway), so it had to be Badgerclops.

“How ya feeling,” he asked.

Mao Mao let out a small grunt.

“Camille said you should be fine. Just take it easy. Don’t try to jump around or anything.”

He made another small grunt.

“You feeling okay?”

Mao Mao nodded from under the blankets.

“Good to hear. Just get some rest, man.”

“What about Bao Bao,” he grumbled out. His throat was still raw and sore from all the shouting.

“Tanya took him with her.”

Mao Mao let out a shuddering sigh.

“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?”

Mao Mao nodded more forcefully this time.

Badgerclops scooped Mao Mao up into his arms. Cradling the bundle of blankets and clutching him close. “Listen, I know we all have our issues and hangups, and I know this day has been hard for you-”

“You don’t.”

“Hm?”

“You don’t know how hard it's been for me! I hate-  hate - that dog. He’s everything wrong with me! I wanna wring his stupid little head from his silly little body!” Mao Mao choked on his words,” I wanna- I wanna…”

Badgerclops pet him behind the ears,” what do you want?”

“...I want to be alone for a bit.”

“How about this,” Badgerclops said,” I can take Adorabat camping for the weekend? We’d be back Sunday. You’d have the house to yourself. How does that sound?”

“Yeah,” Mao Mao slowly nodded,” Yeah, that sounds nice.”