#(wouldn’t normally tag that but because of the first line I don’t want ppl to get disappointed and thinking it’s bi!eddie 😅) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

codgod · 1 year

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OKAY. slightly more comprehensive and hopefully more useful tips for writing qmariana because the other post i made was kinda a mess. this one also is but hopefully less so. this is basically me expounding upon everything i already said + adding info from a lot of the tags i got on the original post pointing out stuff i didn’t mention

also going to mention again that a lot of this IS related to slimeriana because that’s the main flavour of qsmp fics i read BUT they should all work as general pointers. slimeriana are just gonna end up as my go-to examples for what i’m talking about. and second disclaimer that i barely speak even basic spanish so there are probs gonna be even more things i may have missed or messed up, i’m forging through with the power of youtube auto translate

all that said, here:

he’s not great at speaking english —

it is okay to write a character not being good at speaking a language! i don’t know why everyone seems to be fine with writing charlie speaking broken spanish but not the other way around. so many times i’ve seen him written as speaking perfect english and then just sometimes swearing or having a few lines of dialogue in spanish, if even that. that is simply just not how he talks

common things i personally have noticed mariana does: repeats words, says words that sound similar to the one he wants but not Quite [think words that rhyme or have a similar sound to them, like nipples and pimples lol], he’ll often get frustrated and switch back to spanish and just rely on the translator, especially for longer or more complex sentences/statements, there’ll sometimes be pauses between words or he talks slowly. he tries his best to speak english around the english speaking server members but again, will also just speak spanish and use the translator if he’s gonna be talking a lot

other small things: he swears quite a bit, and has a few favourites [namely mamahuevo (eng equivalent is cocksucker) is the one that comes to mind. and i don’t feel like i’m writing this out correctly but also chinga tu madre (fuck you/fuck your mother? i think?). in english the first one that comes to mind is motherfucker]. also calls kids mami/papi a lot, not even just juanaflippa

he’s almost always written as either too nice OR too mean —

he’s not a one-dimensional piece of paper just there to either dote on slime or make his life hell. he jokes and teases and he has a bit of a harsh sense of humour sometimes, but he’s very rarely malicious in his actions. if he’s really in the wrong about something he’ll get defensive, but will eventually end up apologising

that said, again, he’s not always nice! he gives as good as he gets when slime picks fights with him, he and bobby had a very playfully antagonistic relationship as far as i could tell. it’s like picking playful fights is part of his love language

he was always very sweet to juanaflippa though :D except a few teasing jokes here and there. he was a good dad, besides the murder JHVSJD

speaking of his sense of humour —

it can be very… blunt? for lack of a better word? he says some bizarre shit with a completely straight face. best example i can think of is him suggesting he and charlie could play a porn game together because they wouldn’t have to talk. obviously that’s cc not character, but it carries over. or, alternatively, the circumcision bit on day 1. basically if u watch charlie more, look at his sense of humour and translate it into spanish — there’s a reason they get along so well :D zero normal people in this relationship. the most you’ll get is them occasionally passing the “straight man” role back and forth, getting bewildered at each other but ultimately going along with whatever the bit is

he’s not a cheater! —

i know. i know ppl like the angst. but he never actually cheated on slime, not beyond being kinda flirty with other men but then pulling back and saying he was married whenever they returned that energy. he’s a bitch, but a loyal one /silly

but seriously, qmariana loves his family so much. he always wanted things to work out between him and slime. the only mc skin of his that actually shows his hands has him wearing his wedding ring, for christs sake. he’s not an absentee father, and he’s not a cheater, he just likes to joke flirt with his friends

he’s very open about his emotions! —

i have never once known this man to hide his feelings or be stoic in any situation. if he’s sad he cries, if he’s angry or frustrated he yells and swears, if he’s happy he laughs. if you are writing mariana as a person to keep his feelings hidden you are Doing It Wrong. the most he might do is hide one emotion behind another, but he’s almost always showing something

he LOVES music —

this man will sing at any given opportunity. he quotes song lyrics out of nowhere constantly. english, spanish, doesn’t matter, he loves music. it is literally always worth it to have him singing a lullaby to juanaflippa in a fic because it is both very in character and very cute

#.txt #qsmp #qsmp mariana #there we gooooo #this is better #still open for people to add or correct things in the tags #i just wanted a better post for my own peace of mind

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catch-the-wind · 3 years

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when reader is sick hc's

finally posting writing here so true

n e ways okay so i’m brainrotting about the genshin charas taking care of their s/o’s when they’re sick 🥺 and now i'm feeling sick, sigh

ohm and sulien ambros belong to @teyvattherapist! they're such good chara's, i know i'm writing them here but i deffo recommend reading up on them

okay here u go, have some hc's that are kinda sorta long and by that i mean 2.5k- i haven't proofread this bc it's 4am and im going to BED but if i write for any other chara's i'll post a second part <3 mwah

tags: gn!reader, diluc x reader, kaeya x reader, jean x reader, lisa x reader, albedo x reader, dainsleif x reader, tartaglia x reader, ohm ambros x reader, sulien ambros x reader, soft bean hours

diluc

is not working or traveling when his partner is sick

absolutely makes them soup and hot tea and drinks

he’s trying to make them food but he’s not the best cook so he’s asking adelinde for help

absolutely asks jean, barbara, and ohm for help while his partner is sleeping but he’s so awkward LMAO

was absolutely frantic the first day he found out his partner was sick tho, he made them come over to the winery so they could sleep there and he can take care of them <3

absolutely lied about what room was his so they slept in his bed

“hmm this guest room is so furnished diluc are all your rooms like this” and no, no they are not, this room is his, bestie

diluc slept on a sofa in his bedroom and did work on the table that was supposed to be for flowers. kinda stressed over abyss order locations but was more worried ab his partner being okay so he was distracted

he just put the flowers on his nightstand for his partner to see when they woke up <3

gives his partner forehead kisses because they won’t let him kiss them on the lips and he gives them the gentlest cheek kisses while they sleep

also gives his partner his clothes to wear <3

cuddles them and reads to them when they’re awake and TEMPLE KISSES OH MY GOD

kaeya comes over because he’s worried his brother and his brother’s s/o haven’t been seen in a little while

n e way, diluc gets sick after his partner gets better and they nursed each other back to health

kaeya

like diluc, he took off work so he could take care of his s/o i,mediately after he found out they were sick

wouldn’t force them to stay at his place tho, he’d probably let them recover in their own place

but he might make them go to the kof hq or the cathedral just so they can be taken care of by a proper healer

he absolutely soothes their fevers and stuff w cryo and also the man can heal himself w his elem skill ofc he can fix someone if he tries hard enough <3

he gives kisses no matter how much his partner says not to but he’ll also give them butterfly kisses so it’s soft moments too~ sigh, ur too cute alberich

asks ohm and barbara and albedo and lisa for potions and such to help his partner feel better but he’s really lowkey so he doesn’t seem SUPER worried

he just hates seeing his partner not feeling so well </3

refreshes his partner’s vase of flowers at their bedside every day

brings home work so he can watch over his partner. he can’t cook super well either so he asks for help and brings stuff home from good hunter too

jean was okay to let kaeya off of work and diluc would never admit it (man practically swore everyone to secrecy smh) but he helped take up some of kaeya’s duties in his stead

and kae, the alcoholic, didn’t even drink while his partner was sick bc he was lowkey worried they would need his help w smth and he didn’t want to be drunk just in case <3

many cuddles despite protests of getting him sick <3

jean

absolutely uses her healer skills to make her partner feel better

panicked when they were still sick and thought it was her fault </3 she asked barbara and ohm for help and they just told jean to relax a bit bc her partner was sick and it wasn’t going to be a quick fix

wanted to take off work but didn’t, so she just brought her work with her

kaeya and ohm very kindly took up her other duties where she had to leave so she could be w her partner

her partner is staying in the kof hq where they get access to ohm and barbara comes to visit <3 but also so that jean can sleep comfortably enough close by bc you cannot tell me this woman does not sometimes sleep in her office or the library and barely makes it to the kof dormitories sometimes

she’s so worried the entire time, she’s probably got a few gray hairs and a new frown line smh

she has clothes that aren’t her work clothes???? it’s so foreign seeing her in stuff like pajamas. you didn’t even know jean owned pajamas

jean sets them up in her bed at home (yeah she has a place outside of the kof hq??? it’s surprising) but it’s a big bed so they can rest and she’ll have the lamp on her side on while she sits up and does work

absolutely dotes on them. she’s good at making foods that make them feel better, she’s just a good healer that way <3

albedo, klee, venti, kaeya, lisa, and ohm all come over to check on jean and co and make sure everyone is doing okay <3 lots of food brought

if jean was asked to sing to her partner normally, she probably wouldn’t bc she’d probably get embarrassed but i think she probably sounds v good and venti would give her his lyre to try out a musical instrument too. but also she’d read to her partner and they’d probably fall asleep together uwu

lisa

works part time hours at the library so she can go visit her s/o

probably asks them to stay at the kof hq for easier access to medical assistance and plus she’s almost always there

“cutie” but worried and very 🥺 (pleading emoji)

makes soup and potions and reads to her partner until they fall asleep

also super playful omg she’s still got a smile on and is full of affection while she walks her fingers up her partner’s arm to their face so she can cup their cheek

she’ll make her partner laugh and smile and blush even when they’re sick, but she makes them laugh until they cough sometimes and immediately feels so bad

jean, barbara, kaeya, albedo and ohm all come to visit with different foods and soups and medicines and such

klee comes knocking and gives lisa some good fisherman’s toast and asks lisa’s s/o if they want to hug dodoco b/c that always makes klee feel better

purple roses galore, lisa has them in her partner’s room and they’ve got a potion to make the. uh. sniffer? to make the sniffer feel better. don’t ask me how, idk but she would find a way to make them physically feel better with flowers

reads to her partner ofc, and she tells them stories ab her own life and time at sumeru sans the crazies

worried looks when her s/o is sleeping but also the softest smiles when they wake up pls-

albedo

cutest lil frown on his face when he finds out his partner is sick

immediately they are taken home and he’s testing to confirm what’s wrong w them and what he can do to speed up their recovery

he’s more distracted than usual at work but he’s coming over to your place all the time w what paperwork he can do

also sketches his partner while they don’t know. he’s got lots of beautiful candids of his partner sleeping, looking out the window, falling asleep, reading, even drinking water. he’s made the most mundane things look captivating

kaeya and ohm come to check on albedo when he doesn’t show up for work after a few days and it’s bc he’s taking care of his s/o with food and soup and alchemical potions and shit. and when kae and ohm come in, they find his partner opening the door wrapped in a blanket while albedo is asleep cuddling the pillow they left bc he stayed up the night before making soup and reading to them

klee has camped out on his partner’s couch, she helps w the cooking too~ she absolutely lets them hug dodoco and gives them a treasure to feel better too LOL

many kisses from klee and albedo, and they also go out to get treats for albedo’s partner too

domestic albedo cooking in his partner’s kitchen and for once it isn’t some alchemical potion that he might blow up the stove with

tartaglia

takes off work entirely but BOY OH BOY is he stir crazy smh

brings his partner to his apartment to rest <3

he’s so worried ab his s/o that he makes all the sick ppl food the first day, orders from wanmin restaurant when his partner wants smth different, and also gets toys and such to entertain them otherwise

also reads to his partner but, again, he gets stir crazy after a while

absolutely does workouts and katas in the living room and phew shirtless tartaglia working out? gets the heart rate up for sure ahem

rushes to his partner tho omg- need soup? water? a trip to the bathroom? another blanket? he goes to them the MOMENT he hears them moving around. absolutely dotes on them <3

his family knows ab his partner and he’s probably written letters ab them being sick~ his family sent snezhnayan herbs and flowers and medicines and such

zhongli comes around because he wants sugar daddy!tartaglia with tea and medicine from bubu pharmacy. hu tao is in tow with well wishes and a “hope i don’t find you at work!” which is. a little worrying because aren’t you just a little sick-

many kisses from tartaglia because he is Needy and he’ll absolutely get sick from cuddling his partner while they sleep

also he’ll probably just like. envelop his partner while they sleep. they’re all cuddled into him and he’s actually so warm it’s nice bc they’re cold w a fever and he’s living for comforting them

he’s so worried tho, he’s got the frowny face and he’s so adorable but he just doesn’t want his partner to feel sick

dainsleif

the man camps in ruins, he’s going to his partner’s house smh

he doesn’t go into the church either LOL so expect him in his partner’s home making dinner and doing their grocery shopping thanks

he would get ohm and barbara to come over tho <3 “fix them please” but also “how can i fix them”

is so dead set on making sure his partner takes their medicine at the right times, he’s so soft for them and them alone

cooks soup and old recipes he barely remembers from khaenri’ah. he doesn’t really get sick, so he doesn’t remember these ones too clearly. deffo brings back old memories he’d long forgotten

reads to his partner and tells them old stories of how the world used to be, his travels, gives them the gossip on a certain khaenri’ahn but doesn’t give away the name

ohm comes over with medicine and lollipops bc dain is so unlikely to go to the cathedral to get barbara smh

but also dain, so self-sufficient, is unlikely to want to ask for help, so ohm just goes to help anyway

dain with the old khaenri’ahn lullabies and tucking his partner into his arms and singing quietly while he holds them and rocks them to sleep

dain is immortal, he’s giving his partner kisses bc “i’m immortal, ofc i won’t get sick”

he got sick

but his s/o nursed him back to health and then there were smooches the end

ohm ambros

the doctor with his ill lover oh my god

he’s frowny, he’s taking care of his partner at his home in springvale and his home clinic is open to everyone else. but everyone knows his partner is the first priority LOL

kaeya and albedo come over to see if ohm is okay or if his house needs to be checked up on. they’re wondering if he went on a last-minute expedition to sumeru and didnt tell them

diluc comes over too, he’s just checking up on his best friend but he’s also stealing a cherry lollipop smh. he heard from kae that ohm’s partner is sick tho, so he brings some soup and good food over from adelinde. he also brings some of his own specialty food tho, the once upon a time in mondstadt <3

sulien sending letters to his big brother to see if his brother’s s/o is okay

ohm is also just super protective of his partner, there are not many people who come into his life who he loves and lets in in the first place. he’s absolutely trying to heal them with his own vitality, so their recovery is much shorter than initially expected

barbara also comes over w jean to check up on ohm and co, complete w a goody basket of soup, a teddy bear, flowers, and books

ohm reading to his partner <3 he’s got such a soothing voice even if his accent is wack LMAO. he’s reading stories and even his paperwork because just his presence is comforting

he puts his hands on his partner’s forehead to soothe the fever goodbye

ohm will not sing for his s/o simply bc he doesn’t think he sounds v good. and he probably doesn’t but it would be so cute to hear him try and please ohm? 🥺

n e way i want smooches idc if i’m sick KISS ME OHM AMBROS

sulien ambros

when he finds out his partner is sick, the man blinks like twice and then suggests so calmly that they go to his apartment in liyue

man does not sleep normally, he’s just going to nurse his partner back to health and read during their recovery. fruit tart can cover his duties for him <3

sulien cooks for his partner tho, he’s making soup and stuff and getting medicine from bubu’s pharmacy. he’s also picking up books on the way home but some of them are to be read to his partner so it’s okay-

like tartaglia, sulien works out while his partner rests and goes to them if he hears them moving around. he’s reading to his partner and not so frowny, but the slightest furrow of this man’s brow is already such a big expression of his concern <3

sends letters to ohm asking for advice ab how to help his partner feel better. ohm just sends a letter back with “i’m coming” and shows up within the day LMAO

reads to his partner, and the monotony of his voice is soothing and lulls them to sleep. he just looks at them affectionately (well affectionate for him) and presses a kiss to their forehead before finishing the story on his own and in his head

tartagalicious comes over and brings food, flowers and a teddy bear with some of sandrone’s paperwork but he sends a smile to sulien’s partner with some well wishes

scara comes over too just to visit and check to see where sandrone is, but scara is a grumpy bean so he just says “feel better” all brooding and like it’s a command to one of the fatui subordinates LOL

sulien like ohm uses his cold hands to soothe his partner’s fever and also gives them forehead kisses <3

Edit: a link to part 2

#genshin impact x reader #diluc x reader #kaeya x reader #jean x reader #lisa x reader #albedo x reader #dainsleif x reader #tartaglia x reader #childe x reader #ohm ambros x reader #sulien ambros x reader #lane's ocs #genshin fluff #hc's #lyz.writes #i'm finally posting here omg #so many tags...#goodNIGHT

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junko-and-riri-domain · 3 years

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something you could almost label as love | pjs

hi everyone !! tatts & cupcakes is back :)) idk if anyone still remembers it at this point or even wants to continue reading the series 😭 but thank you for all the interactions while i was ia on this blog 🥺 <3

i haven’t updated in a while so if i missed anyone on the taglist pls lmk also tumblr was being a dum dum and i couldn’t tag a few ppl so if you’re one of them i’m sorry 😪

You felt your palms sweating as you opened the door to reveal K, Heeseung, and Jake. While you weren’t worried about Ni-ki going out with Heeseung and Jake, you were nervous about him going out with K. Ni-ki didn’t know K was his father which was something you and K decided not to reveal until Ni-ki got more comfortable with K which was why they were going to the nearby plaza to shop with Heeseung, Jake, and Jungwon. Sunghoon would stop by the bakery later today to pick up the lunch you had offered to make and pack for them all.

“You good?” Heeseung asked, squeezing your shoulder as an act of reassurance. You nodded and took a deep breath, watching cautiously as Jungwon and Ni-ki went up to K and Jake.

“Just nervous, I guess.”

“I’ll make sure nothing goes wrong, don’t worry,” Heeseung said causing you to smile at him. Jay and Sunoo were going to spend the day together at home, something that you suggested in hopes of easing Jay’s stress. If Jay saw for himself how well Sunoo had gotten, he’d feel better about letting him go back to school tomorrow. After they left you saw Sunoo sulking on the couch, arms crossed and lips formed in a pout. Sitting next to him,

“What’s wrong bubs?”

“I wanted to go with them!” You sighed, petting his hair,

“I know, I know. But at least you’ll go to school tomorrow, right? You’ll get to see all your friends again!” you said in what hopefully sounded like a cheery tone. Yet still, Sunoo didn’t seem satisfied.

“How about I make you tteokboki for lunch tomorrow, will that help cheer you up?” At those words, Sunoo’s eyes up lit up and you knew that there was your sunshine. As much as Sunoo didn’t want you do, you had to leave to open up the bakery.

“I can drop you off,” Jay offered as you were putting your things in your bag.

“It’s ok, really Jay, thank you. Have fun at home with Sunoo, ok?” While you had left in a frenzy, there was now an extra thought added to Jay’s mind. “At home,” you called it. Yours and Ni-ki’s he wanted it to be.

You enjoyed your morning at the bakery, chatting with regulars, and giving out freebies to the cute little kids that stopped by with their parents. When Sunghoon stopped by, you set a picnic basket on the counter, about to explain the food inside when you suddenly received a call from the landlady of your and Ni-ki’s apartment.

“Hello?” you answered.

“Hi, you live in Apartment 22, right?” you heard from the other side of the line.

“Yes, I do.”

“Everyone needs to evacuate and pack up their things by tonight, there’s a rat infestation and the exterminators say that it’ll take 2 weeks until anyone can return to the building.”

“A rat infestation?” Why the hell was there a rat infestation and why was she telling you now?

“I’m sorry, hon. Everyone needs to pack what they can by 3 pm.” Checking the time, on your phone, it was only 11:21.

“Thanks for letting me know, I’ll leave right now,” was all you could say before ending the call. Sunghoon looked at you with a worried expression on his face,

“Rat infestation?” he asked. You nodded,

“Me and Ni-ki’s apartment, apparently it’ll take two weeks.”

“The two of you are staying at Jay’s place, though.”

“Yeah, but Ni-ki and I were gonna move out the day after tomorrow.”

“Just stay for two more weeks.”

“Hoon, I can’t do that. It’s not fair.”

“To Jay? I don’t think he’d mind if you two-”

“Not to Jay,” you muttered.

“Jungwon and Sunoo? But they like having their Ni-ki dongsaeng around.”

“To me! Sunghoon, it’s not fair to me!” you admitted.

“I- wait what?”

“I just, it’s not,” you took a deep breath, “Jay is good to me and Ni-ki, I know he is. But there’s just so much happening with Sunoo recovering and K returning. I can’t keep living with Jay, Jungwon, and Sunoo acting as if this whole situation is normal.”

“Do you want it to be?”

“What?”

“Living with Jay, being with his kids, do you want it to be normal?” You almost scoffed at the question,

“Of course I do, who wouldn’t?”

“Then make it normal.”

“Hoon, it’s not that easy. Getting into a relationship with three kids involved is messy and stupid and not the kind of heartbreak I’m willing to put anyone through.”

“Who says it’ll end in heartbreak.”

“That’s the only way I see this ending.”

“Open your eyes then.”

You quickly closed the bakery then rushed to your apartment and somehow, Jay and Sunoo were already there. Sunghoon probably told them.

“Hey,” Jay said as you walked up to them.

“You didn’t have to show up.”

“Of course I did, you and Ni-ki are staying for longer and I should help you move your stuff.”

“Jay, I don’t wanna be a bother. Ni-ki and I can spend the two weeks in a hotel, it’s fine.” Your tone was colder than anything that Jay had ever felt before.

“Are you uncomfortable? Living with me, I mean. Because if you are, I’m sorry.”

You wanted to tell him. Wanted to tell you that he made you weak with his soft gazes and sudden smile. Wanted to tell him that he made you regret how you had gotten so accustomed to his warmth that you probably wouldn’t be able to sleep without it. Wanted to tell him how he gave you hope, maybe love was in the cards for you one day. Wanted to tell him how he made you dream of the picture-perfect life you once thought was stupid. He made you weak, regret, hope, and dream in all the ways you didn’t know were possible but never were you uncomfortable.

“I just don’t wanna keep mooching off of you in your own house.”

“Really, I don’t mind if you and Ni-ki stay for longer. After all, what’s another two weeks?”

“You’re sure?”

“I am.”

“Pinky promise,” you said, bringing up your hand. He smiled as he interlocked your pinkies together and let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding in.

You packed as many as your and Ni-ki’s clothes that you could, in the process bringing a couple of your blankets and little trinkets that you felt comfortable with. While you were in the car with Jay and Sunoo, the trunk filled to the brim with your and Ni-ki’s things.

“Are you really sure it’s ok that I brought so much stuff?”

“Don’t worry.”

“What if there’s not enough space? Your closet’s already full and Ni-ki’s toys might get everywhere.” Jay’s hand moved away from the gearshift and gravitated towards your hand, his thumb rubbing soothing circles,

“We’ll make space.”

The rest of the day went by easily, the guys decided to stay for dinner, and being with K for a longer period of time went by better than you expected. Before you and Jay fell asleep the two of you made a plan for tomorrow since it was Sunoo’s first day back at school. Sometime throughout the night, you woke up to go to the bathroom. After getting out of the bathroom and heading back to the bed,

“No,” you heard with what almost sounded like a whimper, causing you to turn on the lights to see Jay in bed with his eyes closed.

“Jay?”

“I-it’ll, it’ll be ok,” you heard him mutter, seeing him twitch slightly. Tears escaped his eyes as he muttered incoherent words. He was having a nightmare.

“Jay!” you exclaimed, shaking him slightly in hopes that it’d be enough for him to wake up but he stayed within the depths of his nightmare. Not knowing what else to do, you lightly slapped his cheeks, and somehow, that had work. The upper half of his body rose up, eyes frantic as they looked around the room, and only seemed to calm down when they settled on you. You feel him hug you, an action you returned by running your hand through his hair and rubbing his back as he panted heavily trying to return his breathing back to normal.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” you asked cautiously.

“We were in the hospital again. But this time,” he let out a shaky breath, his hold on you tightening, “Sunoo didn’t, he didn’t, love, I, I can’t-” Jay couldn’t bring himself say it out loud but you didn’t need to hear the words to know what he dreamt. Sunoo didn’t make it out alive.

“It’s ok, just keep breathing with me, yeah? Your boys are safe and sound in their room and Sunoo’s going back to school tomorrow, well, technically later. We made a plan, remember?” He nodded, seeming to calm down slightly.

“What was the plan? Repeat it to me.”

“We were gonna wake up early and make breakfast for the boys and pack all their favorite things for lunch. Tteokboki, curry buns, and bungeoppang. We’ll drop them off at school, I’ll drop you off at the bakery then head to work. I’ll pick them up, we’ll go to the bakery to pick you up, then go home.”

“And that’s exactly what we’re gonna do, ok?”

“Ok.” You and Jay ended up laying down afterward but he seemed like he was too shaken up to be able to sleep and honestly, so were you.

“Let’s bake cupcakes.”

“Right now?” You nodded, the hint of a smile playing on the corners of your lips,

“Right now.” Baking cupcakes with Jay at a time in the morning when you should’ve been asleep gave you a sense of comfort you didn’t realize you needed and he seemed to feel the same way. In order to not wake up the boys, you needed to stay quiet, talking in low tones and hushed whispers but neither of you seemed to mind. As the cupcakes were cooling and you were stirring the frosting, a shiver ran down your spine. Something that Jay had taken note of. You felt his presence behind you, confirmed as his chest pressed against your back, arms wrapping around you as his hands rubbed up and down your arms.

“Should I turn up the heat, love?” you heard him ask. Love, he called you, love. It was nothing new to hear Jay call you that but in this moment, you came to a realization. In love was what the past few weeks felt like. Yet despite this, a thought lingered in the back of your mind. What happened when the warmth faded? What happened after two weeks and you and Ni-ki had to move back to your apartment? What happened when the cocoon of warmth you spent so allowing yourself to get enwrapped turned to ice? What happened when you had to return back to reality? You were brought out of your thoughts at the sound of Jay calling your name, asking for confirmation to turn up the heat. But instead,

“If you did then there’d be no reason to stay like this,” you replied teasingly with a smile on your face. The charm of the necklace he gave you shimmered under the kitchen lights as it rested around your neck. Jay wanted nothing more than to tilt your chin upwards and kiss you right then and there. Wanted to show you how much you meant to him. Wanted to love you in all the ways that words could never do it justice. He was so caught up in his thoughts, mesmerized by your smile, and entranced by this whole situation that he hadn’t realized what had just happened when something cool was felt at the tip of his nose, then, on his cheek and he heard a laugh from you.

“Did you just- don’t tell me there’s frosting on my face right now.”

You weren’t quite sure what possessed you to perform your following actions in the next moments. Maybe it was lack of sleep. Maybe it was how close Jay was to you that you couldn’t help but want to be closer to him. Maybe it was the way your mind grew hazy with only one thought and one alone on your mind.

You couldn’t help it when you let go of the spatula.

Couldn’t stop yourself when you got on your tiptoes.

Couldn’t hold back from wrapping your arms around his neck and your fingers playing with the edges of his hair.

“There’s no frosting on your face.” Eyes looking in his for any signs of hesitancy, all you saw was something you could almost label as love. But you didn’t dare.

“No? Then what’s on my face?”

“Well on your lips,” closing the distance between your lips and his so that it was mere centimeters, “are mine,” you whispered before your eyes fluttered shut and the distance closed.

❦ written by riri ( @enhykkul ) | next | series masterlist

unable to tag: @smileyjimvn | @colouryourfears

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ironmandeficiency · 4 years

Text

wolves

pairing: boost / reader

word count: 1597

summary: the wolfpack invites you to 79’s and it seems that other battalions can’t get enough of the 104th’s revered civvie medic. thank the maker you’ve got wolves on your side or else the night would have gone quite differently.

a/n: i love him so much!!! i once again asked my dearest taylor (@xmidnightwritingsx )for permission to use her oc 104th boy crash who i absolutely adore. the 25th battalion is one of my oc battalions. i also had a few ppl ask me to tag them so here y’all, enjoy!! @royalhandmaidens @catsnkooks @morganas-pendragons @fractiouskat @valkyriesandbrokenhalos

warnings: an asshole that can’t take a hint, alcohol, a bar fight

you felt several pairs of eyes lingering on you from the moment you walked through the door of 79’s. this wasn’t your first time here, not by a long shot, but it was the first time you went to 79’s clad in the sexiest outfit you owned. normally you would simply wear simple civvies. tonight, however, one of your fellow medics convinced you to wear something a smidge more revealing in celebration of the success of the previous campaign.

the first order of business was to find familiar grey-painted armor amidst the growing masses. boost invited you to come out with the guys tonight, and you would have arrived with the trooper if you weren’t stuck doing inventory minutes before you were off shift. this resulted in a smidge of overtime and rushing to get ready, which didn’t always go as planned.

three outfit changes and thirty minutes later, you were dressed to kill and ready to take on the night. it wasn’t hard at all to catch a speeder, drivers tended to stop quicker for people who looked the part of the partygoer.

so here you were, eyes wandering throughout the bar in vain attempts to find familiar faces in a crowd of people whom half of the people here shared a face with.

a hand traced your shoulder gently as if in familiarity, but the owner was anything but. his armor was painted lavender — you recognized him as a member of the twenty-fifth. which one, you could care less. he threw a line at you, a pretty ridiculous one at that, and you were itching to get out from under his grip.

“i came here to meet someone else, so please move-”

“i’m sure i can show you a better time, doll. gimme a chance to prove it.”

suddenly the hand on your shoulder is ripped away and you jump a little, not even noticing the presence of another person in your discomfort. “she said to move, so move.”

the new voice belonged to, thank the maker, someone you knew. crash was here and would diffuse the situation and you were going to be able to get on with your night without this guy bothering you.

the other man couldn’t have looked less bothered if he tried. “i found her first, but you can wait your turn.” crash didn’t show how bothered he was by the statement and you personally didn’t think he would do anything besides take you to the table where boost was waiting.

tonight, however, crash was not fucking around.

he pushed you away from the other guy fast enough to get you out of range but not hard enough to send you to the ground. his fist flew and landed right on the asshole’s nose and a sickening crack accompanied it. shouting and chaos erupted around the two and you were being jostled by the clones trying to get by you to see the chaos up close.

if it weren’t for the bar being so close by you would’ve fallen on your ass on the grimy floor. it would’ve been another unfortunate event acting in pursuit of ruining your evening and wouldn’t have surprised you in the least. you knew better to try and stop the fight so you elected to ignore it as you took a seat on a stool.

the bartender asks you what you want and you shrug and ask him to surprise you. he nods and begins to concoct something that, judging by the smile on his face, must be his own original creation. he tells you as such as you go to take a drink. one look at him can tell you he’s waiting for you to try it and offer your input on it and you were happy to oblige. after all, it had alcohol in it.

your cup has barely touched your lips, barely a mouthful in your mouth before you’re pushed from your stool and now covered in the drink the bartender worked so hard on. what the kriff was that about? one look around gave you your answer:

the fight got bigger.

flurries of grey and lavender are making chaotic patterns as they fight, each battalion defending their own. most of them don’t even know what started the fight but one thing the clones are is protective over their own.

getting up wasn’t too hard; no one wanted to have more than their feet on the floor of 79’s, and here you were almost doing grime angels in it. two hands gripped your biceps and you, not being able to see faces and already frazzled from the past five minutes, yank your arms away.

“hey hey hey, it’s just us.”

“you’re alright, ner baru’ur, it’s just us.”

you don’t think you’ve ever been happier to hear boost and sinker’s voices. letting them help you from the floor, you were now squished between the two of them as they checked you up and down for any injuries (as if they were the medics here and not you). satisfied that you were okay, sinker picks the stool you previously occupied back up, boost guiding you to sit back down.

another flash of grey passes by the three of you and you recognize it as comet, now sporting a nasty gash on his face that was trickling blood.

you and boost immediately pull him aside when lavender follows behind the younger trooper, clearly aiming to continue something. sinker wasn’t having it and decided to step in for his vod’ika while boost stayed with you, corralling the stranger away from you and back toward the fight that was slowly starting to be broken up.

“do you know what started that?” boost questions comet as the bartender brings you a rag to clean the blood off comet’s face.

“all i know is that we better not be working with the twenty-fifth any time soon, not after this.” he hisses as you get the rest of it off and smile when the bartender brings you a couple glasses of firewhiskey.

putting one of them in comet’s hands, you shuffle around your purse until you find the sterile needle and thread you keep on you for apparently good reason. “that’s gonna need stitches, but i can take care of that right now.”

boost cackles when he sees what you have. “only you would keep medical supplies on you when on leave, uj’ika.” his light teasing and comet’s wound are the only things on your mind as your hands go through the familiar motions of stitching a cut.

“hey, that happened one time! you don’t have to bring it up again!”

“and crappemm said his name once mid-battle, and look what it got him!”

it was a baking incident gone wrong a few weeks ago. the village you were occupying had invited several of you into their homes and made you dinner, and you, of course, offered to help them. they begrudgingly accepted your assistance… until one mistaken soul thought you’d be okay with preparing a cake on your own.

the flour you were trying to pour into the bowl clouded your face and while you were trying to clear the powdered fog, you swatted too far one direction and knocked an already prepped bowl of cake batter out of the hands of one of the villagers. the bowl shot into the air and its contents spilled all over the kitchen, at least half of it getting on you.

boost was one of the many troopers who watched the chaos unfold and after a moment of mortifying silence, the hut erupted into a cacophony of laughter, yours and boost’s being the loudest. he approached you with a wide grin, dragging a finger along your cheek and slipping the digit into his mouth. the villagers weren’t making uj’alayi, but boost called you his uj’ika all the same and began to help you clean up as you were being playfully shooed out of the kitchen.

every time you thought of the way the lieutenant licked the batter off his finger it had you weak. from the way his eyes fluttered shut to how his lips wrapped around it, you were weak. the moment you even think about the gleam in his eyes afterwards and the way he immediately began to help you get the cake off, you know you’re gone.

being so immersed in your memories while giving stitches isn’t the best idea because you almost missed the point where the wound ended. that wouldn’t have been good for anyone. shaking your head to get your focus back onto your work, you tie off the stitches and pat comet’s shoulder softly.

the commotion was dying down, commanding officers on both sides beginning to get a handle on the fight and escorting their men out. “i think it’s best we head back to the barracks. judging by the fight there’s gonna be several visiting the medbay.”

boost was not down for that. “this is your night off, let someone else handle it.”

“yeah, you’ve done enough for tonight,” comet adds, taking another sip of the whiskey, “i’m gonna go get this checked out and see if i can find out what the fight was about, i’ll let you both know what i hear.”

boost nodded at his leaving brother and turned back to you on the stool. “now what can i do to convince you to stay a little while longer, uj’ika?”

“get me enough drinks to make me forget that i’m covered in my last one.”

that’s exactly what he did.

#boost x reader #clone trooper boost x reader #clone trooper boost #star wars imagines #star wars reader insert #star wars fanfic #star wars the clone wars #star wars #somewhat inspired by 'wolves' by one direction

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horansqueen · 5 years

Text

I Almost Care : Part 2

PART 1

NOTES:

- I’ve always wanted to start a Louis story so here it is - The synopsis and the chapters are posted on my masterlist. - Yea it’s still my name in this. I know it bothers some ppl but that’s how i write. - Parts will be about 2k. Not sure yet how many parts I’ll write tho, probably depends if people read it not. - I do not proofread and i do not have a beta, sorry! - i decided to start a tagging list so if you want to be tagged in chapters OR be informed privately when it’s updated, let me know in my inbox, in a reblog, in tags, or anything. - There will be smut. and fluff. - The title is a Hanson song. The lyrics are posted in Part 1. - if you care about this story and read it and comment it and reblog it and like it, i love you and youre my new bff :D

I ALMOST CARE : PART 2

AMELY

I was supposed to say no and spend a nice and relaxed weekend in a lodge my parents has ranted for the summer. That was the plan. Then how did I end up agreeing to a wild weekend in Las Vegas? I was not even sure anymore. I guess the fact that my parents had invited the very same weekend our neighbors was probably for a lot, especially when I found out they were bringing their annoying and cocky son with them. There was no way I was going to spend days with him following me around and flirting with me with his annoying smirk and his shirtless obsession. The size of his ego was unbelievable and if I spent an other hour rolling my eyes at his disgusting pick-up lines, I would certainly puke.

I guess when Julie invited me, I jumped on the occasion of being as far as I could from Bradley and his cringe worthy personality. I hated gambling. In fact, I was pretty sure I wouldn't spend a single buck in a machine, but I was not against some fun, and if I wanted to be honest, I was ready to try new things. It was going to be my very first time in the states but gladly, I had a passport that I kept to go see family members, sometimes, in other european countries.

As usual, I packed whatever I could find and all this in only half an hour. I knew the flight would be long so I brought a book, earphones and a pillow with me. I also decided to wear sweatpants and a hoodie. I mean, there was no reason for me to be uncomfortable for 10 hours, right?

It's only when I rushed inside the airport, after being fifteen minutes late, that I realized my mistake. He was there. Louis was there and i looked like crap. Louis Tomlinson was a part of this trip and I was hideous. My clothes were old, my hair was a mess, and I was not wearing any make up, showing dark circles around my puffy and tired eyes. It's not like Louis had never seen me like that but when you see your ex after so long, you at least want them to regret not being with you anymore, even if just slightly. Clearly, no one could regret me with the look that I had at this exact moment.

My heart stopped exactly at the same time than my feet. My newest Vans made an annoying squeaky noise on the slick floor and we stared at each other. It was pathetic.

"Come on guys, hurry up!" I heard Julie say, clapping her hands.

"Hey Mely, late as usual." Liam pointed out with a chuckle. "Glad to see things don't change."

Normally, I would nudge him and tell him to shut up but I couldn't take my eyes off of Louis and I couldn't calm the beating of my heart. Truth was, I never wanted us to be over, but somehow, I felt like he was not ready to be with someone. Or maybe it was just me he didn't want to be with. Either way, we didn't work, even if, believe me, I did everything I could to be exactly what he wanted. The problem was, he didn't even know what he wanted. That thought made me raise my nose in a grimace and I saw him frown, probably thinking my reaction was because he was there.

I pulled my pillow closer to me and followed my friends to the gates. It was a good thing that (and I counted) there were nine of us. Perhaps I wouldn't have to spend too much time around him. Maybe he would even pretend I didn't exist and ignore me the way he did it so well not only after we broke up but also during the last few days we were dating.

It was very unlikely since I spent a lot of time with Julie and Liam and I was perfectly aware that Louis and Liam were very close, but I wouldn't mind trying to get closer to the other people with us, if I had to.

I didn't know how I ended up with a plane ticket in my hand but I decided to just follow everyone. I smiled when I realized I got a window seat and literally let myself fall on the bench that I thought would be more comfortable.

"A bit stiff? I know."

My breath caught in my throat and I held it in. My heart started racing, my cheeks were getting warm and most likely red, and I I could feel my hands getting sweaty. I had a curse. It was the Louis curse. I would become an idiot whenever he was close. It was that way before I started dating him and now, the curse was back. I turned to him, my eyes a bit too round than they should have been, and he sent me a polite smile.

"Not you, I mean the seat."

My lips curled into a rude smile. "Funny."

Louis was, in fact, a funny guy. He could always make me laugh, even when I had the ugliest day. He could always turn my frown upside down. He could always make me at ease, make me feel pretty, important, smart... Qualities I could not really see in myself, or at least, sometimes they seemed hard to see.

"I know, I'm a funny guy." he replied, as if he had read my thoughts.

This time, he sent me an amused smile and I surprised myself wondering if it was just an act. I knew Louis was just as uncomfortable around me as I was around him. There was a reason why we made sure we wouldn't bump into each other and being seated right next to him in this plane confirmed it was a good idea to stay away from each other. How long did I read that this flight would be again? I said 10 hours, didn't I?

"You don't have to pretend, you know." I just pointed out, grabbing my bag and searching through it without looking at him.

I didn't want to admit that watching him actually hurt me, and way more than I thought it would. I had put so much effort, time and love into our relationship but I was not even sure he noticed it. I was not even sure he ever really loved me. I didn't know why I stayed for so long. Perhaps it was simply because I had hope.

"What do you mean?"

It took me a few seconds but I finally moved my gaze up. Our eyes met and I inhaled deeply before breathing out.

"You don't have to pretend to be happy that we'll be stuck together for hours." i explained, slipping my hand in my backpack to find my phone. "I'm not pleased by this either."

I turned my phone on and started checking a few messages I had received but I could feel his gaze on me, burning my skin. He was so close I could smell his odor, a mix of his cologne and his natural scent. He smelled amazing and exactly how I remembered but I couldn't let that get to me.

"I take it they didn't tell you I was coming."

His words surprised me and without thinking, I looked up again. I stared at him for a few seconds and licked my lips,shaking my head from left to right.

"Yea, they didn't tell me you'd be there either."

Now that I was thinking about it, it angered me slightly. Why weren't we aware that we would have to spend a few days together? After all, our friends knew exactly what had happened between us and also knew that we were avoiding each other. I nodded and finally leaned against my seat, closing my eyes and hoping the discussion was over.

"It's true."

I frowned, waiting for him to continue but apparently, he was waiting for something and my curiosity won the fight. I opened my eyes and turned my head his way as it was still leaning on the back of the seat.

"I'm not pleased, but it's not because I don't want to see you, or because I hate you or anything." he admitted, glancing down quickly before looking back in my eyes. "It's because I know you hate me, and it's awkward between us. But trust me, I don't want to ruin your weekend. If you want me to stay away from you, then I will."

I blinked a few times, once again surprised by his words but also by his compassion. It reminded me of who I started dating, Louis was charming and kind, cheeky but soft, funny and sensitive. He was the whole package : the man you want to present to your folks but also the man to make you cum hard between the sheets. Looking at him from so close again brought back so many memories that I had to hold my breath for a few seconds as I felt my whole body throb.

After a while, I got back to my senses and cleared my throat, playing with my earphones.

"Alright." I said with a shrug, putting my earphones on and starting the music. "But I don't mind you being around me. It's your trip too."

I could swear I read sadness in his eyes and perhaps, I had gone a little too far. I was good at pretending I didn't care, he should know that, and the problem was that I cared. I cared so much. I cared too much.

"Oh and Louis?"

Once again, his head raised up and his eyebrows too. I couldn't help but let my lips curl a bit at how cute he looked.

"I don't hate you."

He sent me a small smile and made a quick head movement as a thank you. I hated that it started hurting again. It's like a wound you thought was pretty much painless and almost completely healed that would re-open suddenly and bleed like a bitch. I spent a few more seconds just staring at him as I made a list in my head of everything I missed about him before taking my phone in my hand. I got into my note application and started typing with only one fingers, cursing as I made typos every other word.

- the way he laughed at my clumsiness - the way he played with my hair - the mischievous smirk he sent when he was horny - the grimace he made when I had a good comeback - the way he rolled his eyes at the memes i'd show him - his warm hands traveling on my skin - the way his eyes roamed on me like I was the only person worth looking at - the way his lips moved on mine, slowly but avidly - how tight he held me against him at night even if his bed was king sized - the way he whispered 'i love you' when he thought I was asleep

I suddenly stopped typing and swallowed at as I re-read the last one twice, three times... ten... I felt my eyes water and cleared my throat, turning the screen off and letting my phone fall on my laps. Why was this happening to me? I was good without him, I didn't need him, and I was happy. Then why was I feeling like that? I felt my twist in my chest and he had been sitting next to me for about 10 minutes, how was I going to survive a long weekend around him without falling in love with him again?

That thought made my heart jump so hard in my chest that my whole body started throbbing again. I couldn't go through that again, I couldn't have my heart broken an other time. It was much more than I could handle. I wasn't even sure how I survived last time.

I leaned again my seat again and shut my eyes tight, trying to stop the tears from falling, but when I felt his fingers brushing against the top of my hand, my eyes opened wide and I turned to him.

"Hey, Mely, are you okay?"

No. Clearly, I was far from okay. I was nostalgic of the only relationship that ever mattered to me. I was falling again for the only guy I really loved, the only guy who really broke my heart, and I couldn't help but think that I didn't deserve this pain. I deserved better. With that thought, I quickly took my hand back and nodded.

"Yea, i'm fine, thanks."

#louis tomlinson #louis tomlinson fluff #louis tomlinson smut #louis tomlinson fic #louis tomlinson fanfic #louis tomlinson fan fic #louis tomlinson story #louis tomlinson writing #the beginning sucks but it gets better i think?#if you read this i fucking love you #my fanfics

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dazzling-ji · 6 years

Text

aesthetic themed ask list

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

probably halo? still riding off the performance high tbh

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

can’t think of anything that i would want to know immediately that i couldn’t just wait for confirmation in prayer about...

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

so far? taking the steps necessary to actually pursue my dreams

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

kbbq with friends

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

probably tell my parents how i feel about them, same to my friends

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

not really. i have things i’d like to do, tho

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

as in a human being? um, she has obscenely small hands. her face is like shiny and red perpetually. she is tiny. she gets really excited over the smallest things, i.e. her cats or the sight of a corgi. lowkey highkey hates her hair unless it’s short. bane of my existence.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

bruh i wish. literally still trying to console younger me with each day.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

lowkey cried in front of my therapist as i told him i don’t cry in front of people. idk if he noticed or not (IT’S CUZ HE KEPT STARING AT ME WITH THOSE BIG SAD EMPATHETIC BLUE EYES. I DON’T NEED EMPATHY!!!) but the tears were threatening and i was threatening the tears.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

bruh, had to describe a human for the last one but this time i won’t. my best friend nam shin iii. because i love him and he’s great. wish he were real so i could teach him english and he could teach me korean and i could help him romance his girlfriend.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

i did when i was first meeting my therapist lol. i don’t trust people enough to do stuff like that.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

probably ye olde tiny handed one. she’s the only one who would try to stay up that late with me. doesn’t mean i don’t have to deal with her sleep delirium.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

it’d either be to myself or my mom. something along the lines of letting them know their worth.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

they aight. blue eyes are really scary 90% of the time. brown eyes make more sense to me.

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“different doesn’t mean wrong” said by one of my late faves, who i honestly felt was a kindred spirit 99.999% best friend match to me. not gonna get into why the quote is so deep to me, all i’ll say is it allowed me to breathe.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

indigko

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

pay off debts, travel, save, give to charities/church, save some more, maybe make a trust fund?

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

with God, yeah. by myself? depends. i can be kind of hypocritical and times.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

guess i know what to tag this ask meme now

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

punk for sure.

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

super cool. was thinking of getting either a septum or normal nose ring. wish tattoos made a bit more sense on dark skin, but either way they’re super painful so maybe i lucked out.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

i don’t. don’t wanna ruin my skin and i like the natural look over a beat face. i like people looking realistic if that makes sense?

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

so many people to talk about, but my ex-fave prince helped me realize i was ace.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

i wouldn’t. at least not rn, don’t have anything revolutionary to tell em. maybe something like “Please remember we’re dealing with human beings” or along those lines, because I’m tired of reading about racists and human rights violations who real life be forgetting that aside from differences in race/gender/sexuality/etc/etc we are all human and worthy of love.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

stromae @ msg - super fun! wish the people behind me didn’t try to waste my time and sit at a dance music concert.

nai palm @ brooklyn (i forget the venue) - also super great. it was great to actually see her irl, and allowed me to realize i can actually socialize without too much problem.

garth brooks @ mercedes benz - yikes ppl in the south RLY like their country music huh?

kimbra @ brooklyn (also forget the venue) - LIVE MUSIC CAN BE SO EXPERIMENTAL AND FUN. kind of reminded me of what i’d heard seeing prince irl was like.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

NYU - You have no outstanding balances. We have a $1 mil scholarship that will be applied to your account as of today. We love you. In fact, we’re gonna wipe away all your student loan debt and ensure no one in your family has to worry about paying for anything ever again in their lives.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

my desk always gets cluttered with papers and stuff. but i really do prefer working at a desk rather than a bed.

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

stall as long as possible until i REALLY need to go to sleep. grumble as i lazily brush my teeth and rinse my retainer. lie in bed and watch youtube for anywhere between 30 min to 3 hrs before actually turning off.

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

call me crazy, but i want my parents to know about me and *gasp* like what they realize. like lemme tell em i’m ace and have them not freak out, idk.

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

blue or purple. but probably a wig or something impermanent.

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

THE FAB FIVE. WHY AM I SO DUMB. we’d go makeover their next person on queer eye OR even better we’d just hang out

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

1. the aforementioned letter from nyu because i deserve it, ok?

2. a life i don’t feel like i have to run away from because i hate living like this but feel powerless to change it.

3. a cool best friend i could go cool places with, because i wanna go cool places

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

i cosplay’d as Taemin during the Ace era. It was cool because it basically was my style, so I felt super confident all day looking my best.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

I do neither. But the craziest thing I did half-asleep was convince myself I could still talk to the aforementioned tiny handed weirdo and answer her questions though my head was firmly planted on my pillow and i was neatly tucked under my sheets. like i really thought homegirl could read my thoughts and find the answers she needed to her questions.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

like donald trump

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

maybe one person - i’d see myself the way God sees me so I wouldn’t be so powerless against my insecurities and the fake people in the world all the time.

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realize you’re in love.

idk? i’m ace and aro and very aesthetically drawn, so i really don’t know if i ever have.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

i prefer myself with longer hair tbh.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

hot chocolate if i wanna blend in. otherwise a strawberry acai refresher. i trust any of my friends because it’s really not that deep.

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

gaining self-confidence so i can step more firmly into my calling.

fin.

#blurb ideas #ask meme

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groundramon · 6 years

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Homph I finished tri and I wrote down my thoughts as I was watching because I had too many funny shitposts and nobody to share them with bc charlie hasn’t watched tri yet

PS i wont be reblogging tri spoilers (besides MINOR stuff like, digivolutions of already confirmed digivolution lines or non-spoilery shitposts, but I’ll try to tag shitposts as #tri spoilers anyways [digivolutions specific to tri ill tag as well but not ones that were already basically confirmed]) for a while so ur safe here! I’m just gonna like everything/most things because then I can rb em to hisyaryumon lmao (also u should check out hisyaryumon....its me n charlie’s digimon blog)

EP 1:

- ok. alright. ok. good. they’re dealing with kari’s emotions now instead of just. nothing. ok. alright. cool. Still dont like how obscure/”artsy” they’re being with it, this is digimon not kagerou project, but ok.

- Also. I stand by tk and kari being one of the few good straight ships in digimon. just saying.

- kari: this is my fault... me: god damn it shut up you little brat also me: god relatable ALSO me: ill take whatever display of emotions i can get

- I love how nobody believes tai is dead like. They’re upset and worried but they’re also like “nah. he cant be. that fucking asshole just left us in our time of need” (actually only matt is the last one)

- Gabumon i would die for you also im crying and I think that’s the first time tri managed to make me fucking CRY

EP 2:

- I had thoughts but then the 02 kids happened and I entered another plane of reality. I don’t feel real right now

- the only one I can remember is evil!gennai being a dumbass and being like “SUFFER AND SQUIRM YOU PATHETIC HUMANS AS YOU FIGHT OVER THE LAST SEAT” 1. humans are KNOWN for their ability to care for others you dumb obvious fuck and 2. is. is the entire tube going? because that tube can fit too people if they squish. This isn’t a joke I’m serious it can.

- oh yeah also when i saw whomstever the fuck his name is (adult guy who i love but fuck names) and he was all bloodied i was like “its a cold day in hell when i see blood in digimon” (I think there was blood in an earlier ep but shh idc)

EP 3:

- didn’t nishijima start off as a fucking life coach to these kids. What the fuck he was supposed to help them find a career not emotionally scar them by bloodily dying in front of one of them

- im realizing that the reason hackmon was always in his cloak, in the shadows, standing still is that they cannot animate him in any normal position for the life of him. I drew him with better anatomy when i was 14 and didn’t have a tablet. No seriously, look:

I didn’t say it wasn’t bad, you guys are just underestimating how bad the anatomy on this poor creature is. Why cant ppl draw dracomon or hackmon correctly imma cry

- ordinemon has the best reaction faces

the best part about these two screenshots is that they literally cut one to the other, first the first one to the second one and then it cuts back to the first one. They were really proud of these stupid ass expressions.

- I started overcoming my dissociation shock from the second episode and my hypercritical mind was analyzing the shit out of everything that happened (it is Not happy) but then evil!gennai called kari and evil goddess and idk if he’s exaggerating to make her feel bad or if she’s literally a fucking god of chaos and destruction and either way im like

she did kinda like. Watch wizardmon die, watch tai die, watch gatomon get absorbed. The dark ocean is just a metaphor for depression and honestly if 02 wasn’t all over the fucking place I think Kari would’ve had some pretty decent development in it. Actually you know what, I’m using that as an angle to approach Tri at now, wish me luck bc i might actually give it more leeway now

EP 4:

- I’m not dissociating but I forgot to say anything again and I already forgot what happened

- Cant believe mei is fucking dead

EP 5:

- I like to imagine that Tai got there like a few minutes ago, but he was like “well damn guess yall figured it out without me. alright ill just. see if I need to do anything” and then meicoomon was Still Bad so he waited for when she struck just to make the most badass entrance possible. Fucking extra ass bitch

- I forgot to write anything again but uhhh I wasn’t satisfied so anyways lets just get into the Juicy Details

Originally I was actually planning to be kinder to Tri than I expected. Was very invested during it. ‘Round the end of the last ep I realized hmmm no this isn’t working out. Where are the 02 kids. You should’ve brought them in to save the day. That would’ve been SO cool and SO fun. Fucking cowards.

god I’m kinda tired so I’m going to address a couple things I still had problems with, note that this isn’t everything it’s just everything I felt comfortable yelling about without rewatching past eps. Like I forgot nishijima was all bloodied and presumably died in the last part until they brought it up and I was like “????” ALSO DID THE LADY WHO WAS HIS PARTNER OR W/E KILL HERSELF WITH THE GUN SHE FOUND, I JUST REALIZED LITERALLY AS I WAS TYPING THIS THAT SHE FOUND A GUN AND THEN I THINK IT CUT TO BLACK AND I’M

DID SHE FUCKING KILL HERSELF WHAT THE FUCK

anyways my problems:

1. They did joe. really dirty. I’ll write a more proper rant on this sometime later (mostly bc charlie is MUCH better at talking about joe than I am) but basically I can tell you that his character development in the movies squandered his OG character development. He’s basically an entirely different person. Like Tri joe isn’t bad, besides being largely neglected (yes he has a whole half a movie to himself, no that doesn’t make up for it all), its just...not OG joe. He’s a fine character just not the same character, and its NOT fine when you put the two together.

2. THEY DID THE 02 KIDS EVEN DIRTIER IM SO BITTER sorry you nostalgia-blind, money-hungry fucks at bandai, but the 02 cast is PART OF THE ADVENTURES UNIVERSE. The only people who hate 02 are ones who like the characters but hate the mess of the storyline at the end, or are completely irrational and elitist about their love of the digimon series and would greatly re-evaluate their opinions if they watched the original series and 02 back to back. They couldn’t even show them in some kind of group montage at the end??? Standing in the background when they call Mei??? Why couldn’t they call mei from a home phone also, but that’s a less important problem idc that much. It was a cute scene besides the lack of 02 characters. Whatever. AND THE PROBLEM IS LIKE kari and tk? This entire time??? Were like “oh they disappeared. oops” instead of being frantically searching for their lost friends??? Like i get tk and kari probably have fucking ptsd and can’t express any emotions because they watched important people die in front of their eyes at an incredibly young age but also 1. they didn’t address the ramifications of ptsd, so fuck that theory/excuse and 2. THAT??? WOULD ONLY MAKE THEM LOOK HARDER??? and put on a brave face as they look, but inside they’re so scared and so worried. Not just “oh sweet, they were found/saved, theyre in the hospital but that’s fine” like WHAT theyre fucking assholes if that’s what they’d canonically do lmao. God I am SO bitter over the ENTIRE thing with the 02 kids, it would’ve been BETTER if they were deleted from the fucking canon entirely. Would I have still been bitter? Yes. But at least I wouldn’t be madder at TK and Kari too.

3. I stand 100% by the notion that Digimon is not and will never be cut out to be an adults’ franchise. It wasn’t designed for adults, and it can’t be skewered towards adults. These particular characters were designed for kids to relate to and find entertaining. They do not work when placed into an adult setting. Like, can you imagine a character like Ed from FMA going to the Digimon world? I guess in a way that’s just Marcus but like. Just imagine the FMA cast in Digimon Adventure. It doesn’t work. Digimon Tri is basically that except real. Also Data Squad was darker than Adventure so my joke doesn’t even work.

I guess my primary point is that Tri isn’t mature enough of a setup for an adult audience. It puts a focus on being “complex” and “philosophical” instead of working within Digimon’s constraints and making something good and adult out of that. Like! Digimon is a fucking TOY COMMERCIAL. Don’t give me messages about the futility of human life. I want bad puns and emotional characters. That’s what Digimon has ALWAYS been, and ideally always will be. Tri could’ve made itself more mature by dealing with the ramifications of the Digital World’s events, how it affected the kids psychologically and dealing with healing old scars. It would’ve been a more mature take on a story we loved and would use things we loved about the story already - the fact that it took so much time exploring characters’ emotions and was surprisingly mature for the time - to make itself better. You need to take the aspects that drew adults to the show and amplify them, not just slap on a complex story and unfunny dialogue and be like “oh this is fine, right?”

It’s not that Digimon can’t exist as an adult property, its just that if it repeats what Tri did, it’s got no merit and in my eyes the franchise is dead. If it survives I guess I’ll be happy that people can still enjoy it but I find it unsustainable and unsatisfying to fans of the older series. Tri is just a fuckfest of highly specific nostalgia that tries too hard to appeal to old fans without capturing what made the original series so magical, and in part thats because the original series WASN’T FOR ADULTS. I don’t know about the Digimon Story games, bc they’re T-rated so perhaps they’re a better take on an adult Digimon story than Tri? But you either need to make your own characters and lore specifically for an adult-oriented Digimon season, or perish. Also, please make it a series and not a group of movies. Getting four eps every 6-9 months was hell.

I stand by saying Appmon is a more faithful Digimon season than Tri to Digimon’s original spirit. I believe it holds more potential for success than Tri and better embodies the spirit of the older Digimon seasons. It’s dumb, its corny, it has horrible puns, but I LOVE it because it also has a deep dark story and emotional moments. If you dislike Tri and you agree with things I said that make it unlikeable, I highly recommend giving Appmon a chance - if you watch a few episodes and think “oh yeah, I guess this is decent” you’re going to like it. It’s everything Digimon has always been and hopefully always will be, just with a different concept. And hopefully the end of the series doesn’t leave a sour taste in my mouth and I have to redact this statement haha since I’m not done with it yet, but I’ve heard good things about it so I’m hoping not so.

Overall, if you watch Tri, don’t get your hopes up. It resolves everything okay-ish but it’s a pretty forgettable anime on its own and simply doesn’t work as part of the Digimon franchise.

I am, however, pretty interested in what evil!gennai said at the end about Diaboromon and Daemon. It raises interesting questions about the timeline too. We know Daemon is in the dark ocean, so perhaps that’s a hint at a future project? (They did confirm a future project btw, in conjunction with tri being over) But what about Diaboromon? I dont believe that Our War Game (I think thats what its called?) took place after Tri, based on the outfits and ages and stuff, but I also don’t remember the movies that well. Could Diaboromon still be out there too? It’s interesting.

However, because of the lackluster performance of Tri, I don’t have my hopes up and I really hope that this “next project” goes in a different direction. Although I guess if they include the 02 kids, I’ll be somewhat less salty...

Side note, did they ever explain why the gennais went evil? Like ? That’s a pretty important thing. The gennais helped SAVE the human world in 02. And I get that apparently Tri is ignoring 02′s ending but still. It’s shitty, because Gennai was still a good guy in the original too (and also they cant just keep is younger look and act like 02 never happened) MAYBE its something I missed but I dont think so. God there’s just. So much wrong with Tri. I’m very displeased and very bitter and I wanna get back to Appmon asap.

It’s got good moments, its got bad moments, I dont know, I don’t care. There’s nothing wrong with you if you like it, there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t, and there’s nothing wrong with you if you flip flop and are split like me. I just wish Tri fulfilled its potential instead of becoming a boring mess.

#stormy speaks #digimon

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unloneliest · 4 years

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hi i don’t think pan ppl are transphobic, just because bi ppl can be attracted to 2+ genders and pan are attracted to all doesn’t mean pan ppl or bi ppl are transphobic. i deal w panphobic things anytime anyone mentions pansexuality and i really thought your blog would be safe from that. i'm pan and don’t use bi bc i recognize i'd be attracted to someone regardless of gender identity as long as i find them attractive (and this has nothing to do w seeing trans ppl as a dif gender), if they're 1/

this is a long post & i want ppl to have the option 2 skip it so i’m putting it under a readmore; above all else i’m so thankful that you sent me these asks and deeply sorry that i rb’d something that made you feel unsafe on my blog. i agree with you; i don’t think bi or pan people are inherently transphobic and i’m really sorry i implied that with that post!

2/ if they ID as demiboy or demigirl, or genderfluid or anything else that isn't binary, then i really don’t care. i'm not saying bi ppl can’t feel the same since i said bi people are attracted to 2+ genders or all, but pan is rooted in the emphasis of all gender identities. yes theres a lot of overlap but just... i'm hurt that you'd rb smth like that, i understand the last line of its root in transphobia but being gay/straight and so many other things have issues that clash w other LGBT+ IDs

3/ if anything, i've dealt with internalized panphobia and homophobia, i just never felt comfortable with saying i was bi, not because it was "boring" or "binary" but bc everyone would just assume i was attracted to guys and women which was never the case and saying i was pan allowed for me to show that i knew that there are more than 2 gender identities and that i was attracted to all of them

hi its the 3 pt ask anon and its like i completely get why bi ppl would be upset w pan ppl but its just so hard when both are oppressed and one of the most common arguments is like: we aren't seen so we have to be seen first before you try to get into this too. i get why biphobia exists but the same biphobia exists for pan ppl. so many ppl say you're just straight bc of a het relationship or you're just bi then. or the whole theres only two genders argument. and its like i'm as open to dating

5?/ anyone. i genuinely do not care about whichever gender they ID as since i just find ppl attractive for being attractive. and bi ppl can be the same. there is a LOT of overlap and i'm not going to dismiss any worries or concerns. all i know is that the pan community i've surrounded myself with to find love in my sexuality and community have constantly explained that theres overlap but it depends to the person and neither sexuality is transphobic so i try to never overstep or invalidate either

but thank you for listening, so many ppl just invalidate pan voices who try to put both bi and pan ppl into view while acknowledging how theres overlap but theres a difference. its hard feeling invalidating when all i (and others) do is be as inclusive as possible and try to never overstep. i listen to others worries like you do and i've learned so much from your blog and your rbs which i appreciate. it was just hard seeing panphobia & biphobia when i've tagged both to filter the words out

8?? sorry i lost count/ ty again for listening

hi and again just. thank you, for sending me these. i’ve privated the post for now, because i don’t want to hurt anybody but i also don’t want to avoid accountability 4 hurtful actions; i’d most like to delete the post but probably only will if you’re ok with that. and if i ever rb something that includes biphobia or panphobia i’ll do my best to always tag them.

and again i’m so sorry to have rb’d a hurtful post especially bc that runs so opposite to what i want to be doing with this blog & i know that when i’ve found something hurtful shared in spaces i viewed as safe it’s somehow hurt a lot worse than when i’ve encountered hurtful attitudes in places i was expecting it.

in retrospect the phrasing on that post was Not kind, & didn’t convey the nuance i read into it. my baseline assumption of both bi and pan people is that neither group is inherently transphobic; both identities have extremely similar experiences and my perspective on different lgbtq+ identities in general is that our strength is in solidarity and isolating/separating can be really dangerous to the lgbtq+ community’s ability to thrive and work on making the world better and safer for us all.

i’m really glad that you’ve found love and support within the pan community and i have all the respect and admiration in the world for my bi and pan siblings in the lgbtq+ community! being able to find folks who share your identity and to find pride in yourself together is so healing and important and i’m so glad for the times i’ve experienced that in my life as well.

you’re right that all communities do have issues with transphobia, and i normally wouldn’t join in on other identity’s in-community conversations; i thought about that when reblogging the post earlier but i do my best to rb posts asking people to examine if their beliefs and identity might be formed on transphobic assumptions when it comes to all labels and that’s why i did originally rb. i do my best to rb a lot of posts asking wlw to examine potentially transphobic ideas they might hold, because i’m an afab nonbinary wlw and so regardless of the fact that i’m not cis, i have a lot more privilege than trans women do in wlw spaces and i know i need to be doing what i can to make wlw spaces safe for trans women & girls.

and the post i rb’d did just have pretty shitty & confrontational wording, which i didn’t think about when rb’ing it. i’m sorry again for that!

my reasoning in rb’ing that post was the same as when i rb posts asking wlw to examine their views; not that everyone of the groups in question are inherently shitty in some way, but that we all could use reminders to reflect sometimes and that occasionally people will be misinformed or have a shitty view/shitty views - but that that’s not the norm. i also felt more ok rb’ing this post bc i for a very long time id’d as bi, and my attraction as a lesbian still is to women and nonbinary people who don’t feel misgendered by the attraction of a lesbian; some people would call me bi for that, but it’s a common lesbian experience. i really relate to what you said about choosing pan because it really clearly sends the message that you’re attracted to people regardless of gender, bc i chose lesbian as a label bc it sends the message that i’m Not attracted to men! it’s about how i want people to see me.

my reading of the post was connected to experiences i had with some pretty shitty transphobic ex coworkers; they didn’t know i wasn’t cis, but a number of my coworkers at the time were bi. transphobia/biphobia tw for the rest of this paragraph/ the ex coworkers were pan and they adamantly told me/other coworkers that bisexuality was attraction to men and women whereas pansexuality was attraction to men, women, and trans people. my assumption based off of them wasn’t that pan people are transphobic/that pan as an identity is inherently transphobic, but that they as individuals sucked and were transphobic & biphobic?

that experience does touch on what the post was about though, i think. since the bi manifesto written in 1990 “official” definitions of bisexuality have been stating that bi doesn’t just mean attraction to men and women, and that there are more than 2 genders; it’s society’s biphobia that causes people to think that bisexuality isn’t inherently inclusive of more than 2 genders/inherently inclusive of trans people. its clear to me that you know there’s overlap in the communities and that you’re not transphobic and again that’s my baseline assumption of pan or bi people! ik that stinkers are always the exception in communities.

i rb’d the post because i think self reflection on internalized bs is good, and i didn’t realize how confrontational & potentially shitty the post was; i’m really sorry that i rb’d it and made my blog feel unsafe & i’m going to do my best to be more thoughtful in the future. i hope that me sharing why i rb’d it doesn’t come across as an excuse, either; i’m just hoping knowing my intentions might help w/ the experience.

(if ppl must know, link to the post here )

#biphobia/#panphobia/#<-discussion of #ik how much it sucks to have ppl say your identity is inherently transphobic ppl say that abt lesbians a LOT and its not true #anon #den replies

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coshayphinelove · 7 years

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just some thinky thoughts after i wrote a tag essay that got way bigger than the tags. feel free to read if you want, but forewarning... i have more questions after writing than before so..

so before i start anything i’d like to clarify that i love ob. most of my issues with it are bc i got my hopes too high and held the creators to the standards i hold myself, which is not fair in art. also, i’m only talking about the ob team and the characters, not the fans. don’t get all in a twist, this is just me... thinkin.

so ep 5 was great. 2013 me would have loved it. but 2017 me is like.. hard into communication and explicitly labelled representation. and cophine is neither of those things. like... i can understand that there’s not enough time to linger on stuff the way i would want to. i get it. but like... there was enough time to linger on alison. for five seasons. the first time she ever did anything main plot-moving was this season, she was always almost completely seperate. she got flashbacks out the wazoo to explain her entire life story. we met her mom. her monitor is redeemed.

i just am very unhappy with the doling of screen time. like... it’s not even about shipping anymore. it’s about plot holes and i am genuinely confused about the story at this point. like delphine and donnie are easily comparable characters. donnie monitored alison for close to a decade. lied to her for a decade. once he found out about the clones started doing things without alison’s knowledge or consent. he is forgiven. almost immediately. for everything.

delphine lasted as a monitor about... a month? she was so bad at lying that cosima caught her. she immediately came clean. then in the flashback begged cosima to believe that she would always protect her. and yet? the conflict surrounding delphine for the entire show is ~is she good or bad???~. and at every turn she is keeping that promise while making and keeping other promises. and everybody, including her love interest keeps throwing her mistakes in her face.

donnie gets side plots and new dynamics to explore. delphine has to have all of her characterization as a subset of cosima’s screen time. donnie gets a seat at the bubbles table, delphine does not. she has to leave and get shot (a whole different rant of equal length).

on another note, alison and cosima are also easily comparable characters: side characters used to provide info for sarah to react to. cosima’s safety is always at risk, she’s been boiled down to her love interest for several plots, and she doesn’t ever get to acknowledge her Very Obvious PTSD and abandonment issues. alison has low stakes conflict (up until this season, but that’s already over), she is never boiled down to donnie’s wife, and we got to watch her parse through her issues in s2 in great detail.

like even the flashbacks. like alison got half her episode told in flashbacks and it was gorgeous. i by no means wanted that when there’s so much going on but i thought we would get at least a little more.

we met alison’s parent. we hear about her in a natural and very not forced way. cosima gets one very long line about her family very late in the game in a clunky and almost pointless way. (like... why was it in there? what purpose did it serve?)

i think the problem is subtext. everybody is always talking about the subtext. but the problem is there are several issues that the writer’s address almost explicitly. like alison’s drinking problem. we learned all about that and we cheered for her when she went to rehab and we we sad when she relapsed. with cosima it’s.... two instances of smash cuts of bad memories and her reacting to them. ......*gestures with flailing arms* ISN’T THAT ALSO IMPORTANT???

like. i’m going to keep talking about delphine but.. that’s just where my head is rn..

but from s1 to s2 her arc was learning what her role would be in clone club and then how to do that. and she made some big huge strides there. and then she comes back for s3 and it’s gone. she’s just.. not doing that anymore? like they took the time to film her telling cosima immediately after she messed up that she had, in fact, messed up. and then, what, a few days later she Can’t Tell Cosima Anything Anymore? and don’t get on me about screen time here. it could’ve been like.. 2 more lines. “it’s not safe, they’ll hurt you.” “b-but delphine??” “i’m sorry.” LIKE? they just wanted the drama of cosima not knowing. which i can see wanting, but it didn’t end up working. because then you had scenes showing delphine doing things for clone club. so then... it was just.... confusing? and imo drawn out for too long.

but even to this day I, a delphine stan, am still kind of iffy. she literally made an ultimatum (promise me, everyone. you will never make an ultimatum in your romantic/sexual/platonic relationships. that’s a manipulation tactic that a lot of abusers use. slippery slope please don’t do it.)(i’m also not saying that delphine is an abuser or that you’re an abuser but just.. it’s a thing to be careful of.)

“accept our toxic relationship as is or leave.”

IN WHAT WORLD IS THAT OKAY??? like i get the sentiment behind it. like she was saying, ‘hey cosima i know i’ve been bad but like you don’t have to stay if you don’t want. i’ll stop kissing you and everything.’ but then.... have her say that? everything delphine ever says to cosima is wrapped in 3 levels of subtext. or alternatively, cut the kissies in half and let them have a few lines about a new promise or something. idk if that’s just her being extra or if that’s just.... the writers.

bc the creators... bless them.. they’re trying. but when it comes down to it they were predominantly straight men. and they did add tatiana as an executive producer which is like.. the head idea guy who tell the writers what to write. which was awesome! but like.. she’s straight (as far as we know). so like.. i really don’t want to pull the sexuality card here. but i think i am.

bc it’s one thing if you don’t give romantic, mental health, or communication plot lines very much time. it’s another if you give a straight couple plenty and a wlw couple scraps. it’s one thing if the straight couple gets to delve into things multiple times and the wlw couple gets ten seconds before the plot needs to keep going.

i get that the cosima-centric ep was very plot heavy, stuff was happening, i get it. but like... if you cared about giving good rep as much as you claim you do wouldn’t you... re-structure so that they have more than 10 seconds? wouldn’t you sacrifice some of that oh so dearly beloved body horror to let them just... talk for a hot sec? or let them be in the same room?

i know it’s hard work. the longest original work i’ve ever finished is a 30 page script. and even then it’s a lot of ‘is this dialogue working?’ ‘would that character say that?’ ‘that’s a plot hole’ ‘wait where is he going again?’ i get that there’s a lot to keep track of so like... knowing who cosima’s parents are wasn’t on a post-it note on the beat board. but i just... one of the questions i always ask myself is ‘is this healthy?’ so like... i always make sure that if the dynamic isn’t then i either address it somewhere else or change it so it is.

i don’t think they were asking themselves that.

bc straight guys are used to power balances in their relationships. they’re used to ultimatums. whether it’s in their life or in fiction, that’s what they see. and they’re socialized to see that as normal. so when they’re made aware that the media they’re making is feminist/progressive, these guys seemed like they did research and tried to make it more so. but... they missed the mark. bc straight men will never know what it’s like to be a wlw or a woman. that’s just how it works.

and then.. like... they were so hyperaware of the fans and what they wanted. and i think the thing they understood the best was that they wanted cophine kisses. bc a lot of ppl wanted that and like...ppl who are cophine critical sometimes also want cophine kisses. so that’s the loudest thing they heard/saw. and instead of doing the emotional work and the plot work they thought every scene had to have kisses.

and they also knew that they could always fill in the gaps at panels. WHICH. not canon if you say it at a panel y’all. they knew the fans would spread their patches all over the place. so instead of doing the work and explicitly taking a stand they just.. let people ask them questions so they knew what people were wondering about and then...... answered.

i don’t think they did any of this maliciously but like.. the whole drama surrounding sarah’s sexuality, the great debate of whether it was problematic or not. like... knowing now that they didn’t intend it to come off as her lashing out and having a mental breakdown helps, but.... that’s still what it looked like at first glance. and if i’m just a DVR viewer who doesn’t meticulously stalk everything ob online, i wouldn’t know that. and they do that with delphine’s intentions a lot. they do it with sexuality a lot. they do it with gender a lot. and it’s like.... it’s representation but... label-less to the masses. like my dad was in the room when sarah was kissing a girl and he made some snide comment about it. and it’s like... they were just too aware of fans that they gave them what they wanted (sarah kissing a girl/cophine kisses) without thinking about if was the healthy thing for the moment. they didn’t think about the ramifications.

and it’s just so frustrating. bc i love this show, i do. there’s so much to talk about and so many themes and allegories and cool stuff. but they just... do a lot of stuff that..... really grinds my gears. like this isn’t even a comprehensive list.

#blog stuff #thinky thoughts #i think i like that tag...

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woe-and-grow · 8 years

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tbpdfw*

Those Childhood behaviors & experiences that I now get knowing I have bpd like:

Oh yeah identity issues:

Not understanding why when actors’ spoke about a character they were playing they treated it like a separate person because for me playing pretend meant becoming that character, another version of myself

Transfixing on my friend’s TigerBeat magazines even though I didn’t care about celebrities and getting a subscription myself just for the quizzes

Getting really attached to specific words or phrases that you thought fit you or that other ppl used to describe you (for me it was “unique”, “empath”, not “normal”)

Using others’ descriptions of you as the way to describe yourself and your role in your own life (has big eyes, has nice smile, intelligent, artist)

Going to the bathroom in school to escape and end up just staring at myself in the mirror and asking who am I? I don’t recognize myself

Taking in bad descriptions of yourself and mean comments as truth as well (annoying, loud, talkative, sensitive, judgmental; you interrupt too much, you complain too much, you always think you’re right)

Getting really attached to IPod Touch backgrounds and saving ones that I thought represented me

Saving screencaps of the results of random silly quizzes as if collecting “facts” about myself

Taking on personality traits from a TV show character I liked and wanted to be like, wanting to dress like them, and wanting ppl to call me by the character’s name as a nickname

Quoting “Forgive and forget, that’s my motto” from a TV show character because it sounded cool and Right even though it wasn’t at all true about myself

Trying to copy some self-harming techniques I had heard to make my depression feel more valid

Throwing out a chocolate with caramel inside even though I liked it because I had previously always said I hated caramel and couldn’t contradict that

Acting like moments between you and another person or you in general were part of a movie and you had an imagined script of what dramatic thing you should say

Wanting attention & validation:

Doing and saying whatever to make adults you liked laugh or give you positive attention

Finished painting a picture I was proud of (around age 3-5), my friend/neighbor who I’m painting with just finished finger painting something as well. My mom praises her and calls her choice to finger paint creative. I immediately smear my entire picture with my fingers

Carrying around a book of writings that I covered the outside with notes about it being “top secret” and “do NOT read” in the hopes of attracting interest so that someone would try to read it

Telling my best friend I *insert suicide ideation here* to hear her reaction in the hope of concern and attention

Biting at my mouth and lips in attempts of (unsuccessfully) hurting myself and getting attention after reading the book Speak in which a girl does the same in response to trauma

Talking nonstop, loudly and quickly in attempts to be heard; Having problems interrupting people in conversation as I was used to being ignored and having limited time to be heard

Oversharing in class about personal experiences

Black and white thinking

Seeing my darker shift in mood as the new “bad” me vs the younger happier idealized version of myself as the old “good” me

Drawing images of broken mirrors, broken hearts, and thorny plants to represent this Bad new me vs regular hearts and thriving pretty plants as the old Good me

Seeing ppl as either minor acquaintances or Best Friends, no inbetween

Feeling like ppl, even best friends, couldn’t get me and therefore we shouldn’t be friends anymore

Getting mad at ppl for having different opinions because they were Wrong

Unstable moods; Depression and thoughts of suicide or self-harm

Feeling broken, wrong and messed up constantly for not being as happy as I once remembered

Writing dramatic sad poems about a perceived loss of innocence aka growing up which I concluded was the reason for the change

Leaving class just to wander under the guise of going to the bathroom, linger at windows and fantasize about running away somewhere happy

Continuously thinking about and wanting to break the mirrors but knowing it would be messy and probably hurt and I’d get in trouble

Feeling like I wanted to die before knowing what that meant and feeling like no one could save me

Punching my desk and the school porcelain sinks to feel my knuckles sting; scraping my hands with pens by drawing rough repeated lines over the skin to “punish” myself for being “bad”

Self-harming before knowing what that meant

Prolonging eating to punish yourself with hunger but giving into eating eventually

Feeling weak about not being able to commit to doing serious harm to myself

Having episodes of loss of interest in all things I found fun; feeling numb

Erratic sleeping patterns

Wanting to call in sick from school or pretend your sick to stay home because you just feel awful and don’t know why

Wanting to die on the way to school, passively feeling okay with the thought you might get hit by a car or bus

Unstable relationships; Imprinting, FPs, (Perceived) Abandonment & Splitting

Getting super attached to my first best friend in kindergarten and being convinced we’d be best friends forever

Coming home crying every other day the next year when she got new friends who all didn’t want me around them

“Testing out” a new friend group everyday to try and find a place I felt like I belonged

Spending recess after recess walking around alone and watching all the other kids play together reasoning everyone has a friend but me

Not playing with other kids who invited me to because they weren’t my Best Friend (cough baby’s first FP cough)

Getting super attached to my new neighbor/friend and jumping at any chance to hang out with her even when she was mean to me or didn’t really want to hang out with me

When she suddenly started avoiding me and stopped talking to me after years of friendship I went from hurt to completely uncaring as if we were never friends at all

At my new school, I once again spent my time trying out new friend groups and dropping them when they didn't fit me and ended up in the small assortment of “rejects”

Going back and forth between being best friends, feeling better than them, feeling bad that they were putting energy into someone who really didn’t care

Feeling like I was pretending and didn’t care about them as much as they cared about me (none of them were my FP) and therefore we shouldn’t be friends at all

Getting super attached to a new girl in school because I didn’t have any close friends and we were both Guyanese and therefore somehow connected; saying embarrassing things to her about how I felt detached from other friends and much closer to her in the span of only a few days

She told my other friend that I was like an annoying “dog” following her around and she switched schools within the next few weeks

I immediately into the “she never existed” mode of detachment

Writing dramatically “I’m sorry I wasn’t a good friend to you when you were such a good friend to me” in my friend’s yearbook (knowing he wouldn’t see it until years later)

Getting super attached to and oversharing with teachers who showed me particular kindness and attention

Getting depressed when I noticed they showed kindness and attention individually to other students

Feeling not good enough or healthy enough to be in relationships

These are my personal experiences but maybe they are relatable to others with bpd.

((This is super long but I just felt like it needed to be said and shown that ppl with bpd often have signs of early symptoms in childhood that get worse later and that they often don’t understand until later. Hope this gives others with bpd some clarity.))

(EDIT: Remembered some more)

((EDIT - PLEASE READ:

This post is making large rounds recently and I feel I need to address it. A lot of time has passed since I made this post and I am in a much better place than I was when I made it. All of what I posted here is still true, in that they are my personal experiences. HOWEVER, I am no longer certain if bpd is what I have/had experienced. I have dealt with depression, anxiety, and extreme emotional highs and lows, as well as the symptoms listed in this post, but as I have grown and removed many of the more toxic elements and behaviors from my life, I no longer feel the daily swings that fit bpd. I am removing the bpd tags as such. I believe mental illness can be complicated and overlap with various disorders/conditions. Life and its effects on us as children and adults can be complex as well.

I am glad people can find some comfort or clarity in this post, but my intention when I made it was NOT for people to use it as a clear sign they have borderline personality disorder. I want people who read this to access what they are experiencing and take everything here with a grain of salt, before self-diagnosing and talk to a trusted professional.

Take care.

#mental illness #woe's personal #posted by woe

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anything-advice-blog · 8 years

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Submission - Crush

Hi! Ok so basically, there’s this guy. I guess you could call him my hallway crush, to a certain extent. He’s a year older than me, so we’ve never talked before and I doubt he even knows who I am. He and my brother used to know each other a couple years back, and I have a friend who’s known him since elementary school (but they don’t really speak to each other) and who’s families are close. Other than that, I have no connections to him.

I’ve reached the point where an innocent crush has become something of an obsession with him, and it’s really bringing me down. It all started at the beginning of the summer when this group chat I was on started talking about him (he’s a hot shot at my school - you would be hard pressed to find a single person who doesn’t know his name), so I went and followed him on ig and he followed back within like five minutes. I creeped on his feed and discovered, yup, I can see why all the girls at my school are in love with him. It’s unfair how ridiculously attractive he is. I mean. Tall. Super athletic. Super smart. Perpetually ruffled hair. Boyish smile. Bruh.

Then over the summer I kinda forgot about it, but on the first day back to school I saw him in person for the first time ever - and that was it for me. I was a complete goner. After that, I started digging around and talking to ppl to see what they knew about him.

According to my brother, he’s a “cool dude.” According to my friend who is family friends with him, he’s always nice and polite when he talks to her at get togethers. According to two of my friends in the same grade as him and have actually had classes with him, he’s borderline cocky and a “tool,” though I’m not sure how my friend meant that. He’s a pretty controversial person, apparently.

On top of that, nobody knows if he’s ever dated anybody, and there are even rumours that he’s gay, in which case, according to one of my friends, I’d be “wasting my time” pursuing him.

I’ve been a complete creep the past month when it comes to him. It’s embarrassing. Like, I’ve rerouted my walk to one of my classes just to pass his locker with my friend, and sometimes just seeing him there instantly becomes a highlight of my day (ik how sad that sounds) bc our schedules never overlap. Every now and then I’ll see him around school by complete chance, and I’m always left grinning like an idiot bc wow thx universe for that random reminder that he exists. When my sport season was on, my team would be out on the field practicing at the same time that he’d be out there with the football team. And I was like??? Athletic ppl are so great?? I just love watching people who are so at home in their sport and all their actions are so fluid and graceful omg???? This guy is such an impressive athlete like wow.

I don’t know what I want from this. My friends want me to just talk to him, but I don’t know if that’s what I want. I like having this kinda side crush, just staying on the outside and not making any attempt to move in. Maybe I’m just scared that I’ll be completely turned off by him as a person. Maybe I’m scared that I’ll end up just falling even harder for him, and this time it’ll actually have meaning rather than just him being a pretty face in the hallway. That sounds so awful, I’m so sorry, but I mean I don’t know what I want to come out of this.

Of course I’m interested in getting to know him as a person. Of course I’m open to talking to him and whatever. But I guess I’m only human - I’m scared of rejection. Or not feeling anything. My teacher once told us a story of how she fell head over heels for a coworker, but once she actually got to know him there was just no spark. Idk.

I’m so sorry for how stereotypical this submission is! I’ve just been completely consumed by infatuation for this poor guy who has half the school thirsting after him, most of whom are complete strangers to him (myself included). Like, he’s close to celeb status at my school.These girls I know even asked to take a picture with him after a football game and it was the most uncomfortable thing I ever witnessed. It’s kind of absurd, the way people treat him. I don’t want to be another one of those people to him. Idk. I feel like if I ever got to know him, and if he ever got to know me, I just want it to mean something - for both of us.

Do you guys have any tips or advice? How to talk to him? How to get over it and move on with my life? How to deal, in general? Any pointers would be greatly appreciated!! Thank you so much for your time!!

(Pls tag “baby”)

Hey there,

Your feelings towards this guy are not creepy or anything of the sort, you are simply attracted to him, and it is further intensified as you have not yet had a chance to really get to know him. This can really play on your mind and he becomes almost somewhat mysterious to you - which is where the “obsession” element comes in. This is where the stage of a “crush” can escalate into feelings which takes over your life and thoughts, and you obsess over him because the intrigue allows your mind to create scenarios and ideas about him in order to fill the gap from what you actually don’t know about him. You begin to idolise them and think of them constantly as the case is, you want to know more.

I do agree that at this point you seem scared to put yourself out there just to protect yourself from rejection, and that’s okay and completely normal because sometimes you think the worst will happen in order to not be disappointed if it actually does happen - a way of “protecting” our feelings which is something we tend to do. You don’t want what you idolised of him and what you think he would be like, to not be true, and the possibility of everything that you built up in your head at this point about him to be wrong makes you scared (for example, not actually getting along with them that well or the spark to not be there). You have probably got comfortable in the way you feel also - as you said just to keep as a “side crush” because this takes you away from having to face the reality of the situation.

As scary as it will be (trust me I know!) I genuinely believe that it’s a good idea to just approach him and speak to him, even something as simple as “hey I’ve just noticed you around and I wanted to introduce myself”, or mention that you’ve heard about him through your brother/friend which knows him. You may be pleasantly surprised to see that he’ll actually respond to this and this becomes a starting point to having more conversations with him in future possibly. The hardest part is the literal approaching but once the first sentence is out, the rest can become easier based on how you get along with them, if you naturally click with someone, you will start to feel more comfortable and that in itself will be an indicator of if you will be interested in someone like him or not.

Unless you try to get to know him, you have no opportunity to find out where you stand. You’ll always fantasise him from a far as something really really great - but in actuality you may not even like him much past his looks. How will you know? You need to do your own digging to find out for yourself. If you find you’re not compatible, it can make it a whole deal easier for you to evaluate and be clearer on your own feelings, and vice versa if you are compatible. You may speak with him and down the line build a really good connection together, as friends or something more - then this can help you to decide if you want to continue spending time with him or not. Eitherway, you need to establish some kind of relationship with him to find out the true clarity of how you feel on whether you truly like him for his personality and the whole package, or just on a surface level for his looks and reputation.

My own biggest regret is that my own self doubt told me not to pursue someone I liked because I felt I wasn’t good enough and was scared we wouldn’t really get along, and now I still don’t know where I stand in that situation, it becomes a “what if” and I actually would have benefitted more to speak and get to know that person further - and the same applies here, the feeling of “what if” can be even worse than actually going there with someone, experiencing something whether it goes good or bad will allow you to take something you can learn about yourself or relationships, so nothing is wasted time for you. Don’t let the fear be strong enough to throw you off and stop you - you have to really tell yourself it’s going to be okay and you can do it, because it is and you can. Feel the fear and do it anyway, I promise you’ll be fine.

Hope it goes well and take care of yourself for me,

Ellie x

#bbyc #ellie #aab #anythingadviceblog #submission

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hellotvv · 7 years

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Past weekend

Honestly this past weekend was pretty good. I wish I did more homework/school work, but it was a fun weekend. I kind of only went home this weekend, since pretty much all my friends were going home or Coachella. So I decided to go home Friday morning, since I was too lazy Thursday night to drive home. Friday morning, I made plans to meet up with Fyona and hang out. We were also doing a clothing shoot for this ugly clothing brand Bitroyd that paid Fyona and I $$$ to do a fashion shoot for their clothes. They shipped me their shirt, and I just didn’t like the clothing brand at all. So I pretty much refuse to post their stuff on my instagram lol, unless they were to pay me for that too. But anyways, Fyona was dropped off at my house, since she had a previous shoot with some photographer. Then we head to Tebo tebo, pretty bad drinks place lol. I haven’t been there in honestly years maybe since senior year of HS? But yeah, Fyona wanted to get an avocado smoothie or something from there. Then we headed to Irvine Spectrum to casually shoot and potentially watch a movie together. We shot a bit, walked around, and got macarons from Honey & Butter. We decided to not watch a movie, since it would have been too late at night, and I had dinner at 7:30 with my cousin Toto. So we went to the Artic to do the clothing brand shoot, and quickly shot since they don’t allow professional photography there anymore lol. It doesn’t really make sense why phone photography is allowed, but ‘professional’ cameras aren’t. Like I could be using an entry level DSLR which is technically not a ‘professional’ camera, and it wouldn’t be allowed. But yeah whatever, idk why they disallowed it. So quickly shot, and then PEACED. Was fun talking to her, listening to music in the car, and then dropped her off at home. Then I headed back home in time for dinner with my cousin. I took her to Kitakata, and we had a big long talk during the wait to eat. Since she was deciding between UC Merced and UCSB... ;-; Her bf does go to uc merced, and she justified it with idk the generic reasons. Going to uc merced would be cheaper, she’s gonna be a Bio major and aiming towards med school, so it technically doesn’t matter what university she goes to, and it’s probably easier to get an A at uc merced for med school blah blah. Uhh, I guess she thinks it’ll be fun, since obv her bf goes there, hypes it up to her, prob knows his friends, and etc. But I went hard on the FACTS and tried to convince her otherwise. Like what if she doesn’t stay a bio major and switch, it’ll be really bad to be grad with a degree from UC Merced etc etc etc. How I can help her get an A, since I know all the classes to take, best professors, etc etc. Blah blah, many reasons. She was fairly convinced and really appreciated the advice. She repeatedly talked about how she feels really loved and is thankful for the advice, and how much she loves me hehe. I appreciate the family love <3 She enjoyed kitakata as well and thinks I’m a foodie. I’m a picky eater lmao, def not a foodie. But I think it’s cute that she thinks I am, despite knowing that I’m a picky eater, since I always show her cool food places. I treated her, then we headed to Rolling Creamery for ice cream dessert. Also since Catherine was working there on Friday night, so I wanted to harass her for fun. She made our ice cream and we skipped the 30 mins wait! While my cousin treated me :) hopefully she’s convinced, she’s going to uc merced this weekend, then ucsb the following weekend. Afterwards, I actually met up with Jia at night!! Dang so many ppl haha. We were going to grab drinks together and decided Tokyo Table (never been) in Diamond Jamboree. But the line for pretty much every store there that Friday night had lines out the door, even 85 degrees bakery/afters/lolicup. There was no way to find parking too, I legit roamed around for 40 mins.... Then Jia suggested we just go to a buffalo wild wings nearby for drinks, and I was like uhh okie then. I been to BWW before in like junior year of hs, but I thought the food was pretty bad LOL. But yeah, it still holds true today lol. We shared an appetizer, and I thought it was pretty bad. But I got a strawberry margarita, while Jia got some beer, then we talked and caught up on the uh idk 2 weeks we haven’t seen each other. Then it was getting late, so we hugged, and went home. We did make plans to maybe vaca in vegas over the summer together haha. TBH, I’ve been making those plans with fking everyone LOL. Kai, Kristy, Jessica, Brent, Bryan, Jia now, Peach, etc... I’m a monster ;-; lol.. I’m just 21 now and it seems fun to go to a bar/club in vegas, go to the buffets, and idk!! Be a degenerate for a weekend haha. Anyways, it was time for bed after that.

Then on Saturday morning, I picked up Cat for lunch, and we went to Omelette house. Since she’s never been there before. I actually kinda like Omelette House, since I normally don’t like omelettes that much... But I really like their omelettes lol. I think Catherine just thought it was whatever, but I think Omelette House is pretty yummy. I treated Catherine, since idk why. We had time to kill, so we went to Irvine Spectrum, and just kinda shot pics for fun since she made me lol... Then she bought some clothes there and then idk we headed back to her place. I think we headed to her place for a bit, and got Tastea thai tea and shared it (she treated me for dis) since my shoot with Jenn was not till 5 and I said hi to mom and grandma haha. The shoot I had with Jenn at 5 was going to be pretty interesting. Since my friend Dana is getting into photography and wanted to tag along for a photoshoot. I normally don’t let ppl, if they’re not gonna like shoot or model with me, since kinda weird just tagging along. But I asked Jenn, if it was okay if Catherine and Dana could tag along. I felt bad asking, since idk I like making good first impressions, and yeah... Catherine wanted to along, since I’m not in the area too often and she wanted to spend as much time with me as possible (her words). Catherine and I watched iron fist at her place, and it’s a pretty good tv show honestly. I don’t think it’s as good as the flash, but it’s pretty good~ Then Jenn came over to my place, since she wanted to carpool. Catherine, Jenn, and I kinda introduced ourselves and talked. We all knew Hope as a mutual friend, and we kinda all met through Hope actually. Jenn prob found my ig from Hope idk. Catherine, I met through a shoot with Hope. Jenn dmed/commented on my ig photo asking to shoot, and I’m glad I said yes. She’s actually really pretty o.o... Anyways, uh went to downtown Huntington Beach, and met up with Dana there. We walked around shooting and Catherine was wearing a cute outfit and demanded I took pics of her too lol... Jenn didn’t mind tho, and the focus was mostly on Jenn still. Dana idk how much she was learning, but she was having fun talking to the models and befriending them. Jenn is actually the most quiet model I’ve worked with. She’s not like super quiet, but just the most quiet model I’ve worked with actually. I guess the models I’ve worked with are generally really talkative and idk. Maybe she’s shy when working with ppl for the first time or because it’s a group idk, since Hope said she’s pretty talkative actually. After the shoot, I was gonna grab dinner with Catherine, and Jenn was down to tag along. Then Dana wanted to tag along, so we all got kitakata. Since uhh Jenn and Dana never tried, Catherine likes the place, and I didn’t care that I just ate at kitakata yesterday night. But yeah... They liked the place, the wait was long like usual for dinner, and talked. Jenn shared how she met her bf actually! So uhh, her bf is not the best looking dude, prob has good personality whatever. But apparently, he made an instagram post asking if any models wanted to shoot, and then she just hit him up, and then they shot together. Then idk how, but I guess they started dating a bit after. I was like o_o... I guess, it gave me a big revelation lol. Maybe it’s time to start hitting on models... But I’ve always been super friendly, professional, never touch models or anything, and yeah... But that does not get me a hot gf by being professional LOL... So maybe, it is time to change my ways. I asked Catherine, if I should, and she was like uhh no theo! You have such a good reputation with your models and most of them end up becoming friends with you. It’s true! I shot with Cindy once, but we still snap and make plans to hang out still, since I was so idk friendly/cool. I’m friends with Hope/Catherine, Chubbybunnies (Ali) is down to hang out still and wants to, and yeah.. ;-; I guess I am a social boi and is good at making pretty friends lol. My friend Chloe and Amandi snapped me again that my friends are so pretty and that they’re shook. BUT having pretty friends does not get me anywhere!! So yeah, maybe time to change my ways, and maybe throw my professionalism and morals out the window.. Since all these other guy photographers are doing it -.-!! Drove Jenn home, hugged Dana good bye after dinner, and then went to Cat’s place to watch Iron Fist for another two episodes almost lol, then went home late-ish. Overall, it was a pretty busy but fun Saturday. I did feel a bit burnt out from that much socializing and talking, since I try to make convo quite a bit, and ask questions to get to know more about people. We all (well for me just Jenn) exchanged phone #s and snapchats and even have a group chat on fb now lol.

Anyways on Sunday, it was pretty basic. My dad got me lunch, then I headed back to SB, and kinda just chilled/unwinded. I had to go through trouble of uploading a bunch of photos from that weekend lol... So many photos ;-;... Jenn texted me early the next morning asking if I had an estimate of when I’ll send her the pics, since she really liked the pics. I felt flattered haha, and thankfully I already had it finished uploading from last night! So I sent it to her and Cat, both actually asked me that morning when I barely woke up for my 8 am on Monday. Jenn actually ended up posting a bunch of my photos, making it her ig profile pic, fb profile pic, etc and it makes me pretty happy actually. It feels good when a model really likes the photos I take and it feels like I did a good job! So yayyyy :) I feel the love!

There’s some other random stuff I wanted to talk about tho besides this recap. Just random thoughts that idk reflect about. I guess thinking on a deeper level is pretty good sometimes, since there’s less reflecting to do before sleeping, I get to understand myself/the world slightly better, and yeah. For my cousin, I have a 50% UCSB convince success rate so far haha. Since I convinced Kristy, but failed to convince Stefanie. For Toto, if I successfully convince her, then I’ll have a 66% success rate!! Pretty cool haha. But I would be slightly sad, if she doesn’t end up going to ucsb and choose uc merced over it lol... Probably since I think it’s the wrong choice. For Stefanie, this is prob something that idk I did realize back then, but OBV will never admit to her hehe. But I can’t blame her for choosing USC over UCSB and I actually agree it’s the right choice. It was her dream school, USC is higher rank than UCSB, and it’s dumb to commit the next 4 years of your life for a boy you’re dating/not dating whatever we had at that time. I think it would be dumb for my cousin to attend/move to merced for the next 4 years just for her bf, since objectively UCSB is a better school and a smarter decision for the future. The reason why I was upset with Stefanie in the past though, I don’t necessarily ‘regret’ that or whatever. Idk how to exactly phrase this, but I think my actions back then were kinda understandable in my perspective. In my cousin’s case, if she did chose UCSB over UC Merced, and I was her boyfriend I’d totally understand if he’d at least be slightly upset if not disappointed. The reason with Stefanie is, initially I had 0 hopes of her ever choosing UCSB, and was like ugh if she goes to USC than long distance and I really did not want that at the time. It just felt like, man I’m in my 1st year in college, and as she knows I really want relationships for the long run. So that means potentially years with no end goal of closing the distance and just have a long distance relationship for years. But I guess when I started to convince her about UCSB or tell her about it, she really kinda got my hopes up that hey maybe she’ll go to UCSB. She even made a whole blog post back then, about how she kinda liked the vibe and questioned if going to USC would be a bad choice, blah blah blah. I guess she even jokingly (but idk I thought was srs to me lol...) promise me numerous times that she’ll go to UCSB. In a powerpoint that I made and that she made, we kinda hyped up what it would be like if she did attend UCSB, and I really got invested and wanted it. So when she obviously chose USC over UCSB, which I don’t fault her for. I hurted obviously. Since the dreams of studying together at UCSB, sleepovers all the time, hanging out, eating lunch/dinner together often, and all our other plans seemed like it was gone, and I was sad. I spent hours every night convincing her, she promised me yes numerous times, and it felt like idk it would happen especially after her visit to UCSB where we kissed/etc. So when she SIRed shortly after, I felt kinda led on/cheated/many feelings. When she chose USC over UCSB, it kinda felt like she was rejecting me in a way, even though she wasn’t. Since it’s like, dang :( why doesn’t she want to be with me or how could she say no to all those cool dreams/plans we had together if she did attend. It also felt bad, since I really wanted a close distance relationship with this girl, since I felt like we could go the distance since we were so alike, she seemed really sweet, and etc etc etc. I didn’t want a long distance either, so when she chose to not close the distance, indirectly rejecting me (even if she necessarily wasn’t) or indirectly rejecting the plans we made, and etc. I felt sad and bad!! So yeah, I guess those were my feelings during that time. Idk if I ever got to properly tell those feelings to Stefanie, since it was kinda ‘dark’ times and we get into a mini-argument because of our different perspectives. I felt hurt, she felt like I was obligated to go to prom with her still regardless of whatever, even tho to me she broke her promise/indirectly rejected me/kinda felt led on too/etc, but I can see how she felt wronged as well. But hey, I mean I guess things kinda did work out. We ended up dating for a year, and I just sucked it up and suffered through the distance and tried not to let it bother me. It did kinda hurt me inside sometimes, when she cried when I had to say good bye and head back to school, after spending a weekend with her. Idk if I told her, but I sometimes cried a bit too as I left alone to the elevator, since it felt awful that I was making her sad and there wasn’t much I could do... :( I had school the next day... Sigh. I even considered the dumb intercampus UC transfer thing, that lets me study at any UC for a quarter/semester. I was genuinely considering a quarter at ucla lmao just to close the distance for a quarter, and give her a close distance bf for a quarter. Anyways, enough of the past. I guess my point is, I do realize that choosing USC over UCSB is 100% the right choice. Stefanie once told me, hey you know, you never told me that you were proud of me or congratulated me for going to USC, since idk kinda brushed the USC enrollment thing under the rug for a while after she SIRed. I recall we were in her dorm room and I was sleeping over when she said that. I think that I replied oh. sorry, congratulations haha. Idk I didn’t think I properly congratulated her that well outside of that, but I mean deep down despite the sad boy vibes, I was happy for her. She got into her dream school and is obv happy there. Regardless of how sad I felt at the time, I 100% agree it’s the right choice and was proud that she got in, and glad she did it. I just hope that my cousin would do the same and choose UCSB over UC Merced, since I genuinely think it’s the right decision objectively and she prob kinda knows it too. I understand how it’s a hard decision, even tho objectively it shouldn’t be, since her bf goes to uc merced and hypes it up/etc. I could also totally understand if her bf does get upset that she chooses ucsb over uc merced, even tho he shouldn’t/whatever, since I was kinda in his position. I guess we’ll see what my cousin decides in the future tho, but regardless I’ll try to support her. Another topic I kinda wanted to briefly touch upon, is kinda this idk idolization thing that certain ppl do, that I think is kinda bad actually. Back in HS, when Jia, Bradley, and I were kinda popular-ish on Kawaii Ulzzang Contest for posting selfies and being cute and having random cute ppl add us on fb and try to hit on us lmao. All of us were friends with Tiffany, who is a nice girl honestly. She uhm, I guess is not as attractive whatever, and kinda viewed all 3 of us highly. Like Jia later explained when Tiffany and her kinda just drifted away that Tiffany kinda treated us like idk as if she’s our fan rather than as a friend. Kinda hard to explain how she did, but it’s like pretty obvious. I think it’s bad only since, idk shouldn’t really idolize your friends or make it seem like you’re lower/they’re superior or anything, and it’s definitely bad for self esteem and def she should have more confidence in her self regardless of her level of attractiveness whatever. Like it made us feel weird, since she idk didn’t treat us like equals. She should have just be confident, normal, talked to us like any other friends, and I think we would have idk have a lot more respect for her rather than kinda pity?? Anyways, Dana kinda did the same thing during the photoshoot. She’s like omg Jenn and Cat, you’re so pretty, I wish I was as pretty as you girls, and etc. Then she in a friendly way makes a group chat for us and asked for their #, and then says she kinda wants to try modeling just once, then asked if they could help her. Which is kinda sounds fine when I write it, but like the way she says it, even Cat kinda addressed it. It just made it feel like she’s a fan girl or something, they’re like great, and it makes it feel like she kinda wants to use them to help her like a social climber or idk. She’s like making a new ig and kinda wants to try to be a popular blogger or whatever, and Catherine especially has quite a # of followers. I guess this is really hard to put into words, but I kinda disliked that. I think Dana is a nice person, but it’s just kinda weird when ppl kinda start idolizing/putting their friends as like superior and feels weird asking for favors already when you barely met ppl like help with modeling/getting Hope to shoot her/etc. Like idk, that’s just me. But I think it does teach me a lesson to kinda just treat everyone equally, like I’m sure that’s how some ppl want to be treated. Like popular super star rappers prob just want their friends to treat them all the same as a normal person rather than like a fan boy or something. Since, then idk it just makes the relationship dynamic awkward. I guess learning from Tiffany and Dana, I won’t be doing the same if I ever try to befriend someone that’s a super star. Definitely do not want to seem like I’m using them. Like many photographers and myself included dislikes when photographers that we barely know/not even friends ask us to introduce them to our x model friend. Since 1, we barely know you to refer you to our models, since if you’re crazy it makes us look bad. I hate it when they hit up models and goes oh I know Theo! or some shit, like it makes it seem like I referred them/am a reference, but I am not. Also it feels like they’re just using you too. So yeah, idk random thoughts about things rn~ Something similar to this is, I learned to not really make self deprecating jokes/etc too often, since actually it kinda unconsciously lowers your ‘worth’ a bit to ppl. Like my friend Calvin kinda does it too overboard and I noticed that when I meet ppl that do it too often too, it kinda does the opposite of making them seem like confident to talk about their flaws. I guess when you constantly talk about how lazy/ugly/fat/how you don’t do anything/blah blah blah bad points, it makes ppl unconsciously or consciously whatever not view you as highly. When I guess the intentions are to seem funny and that they don’t take themselves to seriously and can admit their flaws or whatever. But yeah, idk I just don’t do it anymore, and maybe I’ll do it occasionally if other ppl are to join in on the joke for fun. But otherwise, I think ppl generally like ppl who are confident individuals that knows what they want, but aren’t too entitled. I think being confident is fine, but being entitled is bad~

Anyways enough for this long blog post, hand hurts, but it feels good getting all my thoughts out and recapping my weekend. This weekend might be slightly more boring, but this weeks been good so far. Had a nice dinner just now with Bryan, Kristy, and Jessica. Got groceries with Chloe and late night smash + dinner with Brent on Monday night. Feeling good rn, and gonna try to sleep well :)

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