#-hands shaking- can someone just do that for me pls. i dont have the strength

[verawhisk]

mommy astarion inspired by the cute awesome @fire-shadow-dragon-god :’)

[forsworned]

could I pls request the hashiras w/ a sensitive s/o ( they get upset easily etc . ) and how they’d react to someone accidentally saying something that made them cry ??

gender neutral reader if possible

if you don’t wanna write for all the hashira , feel free to pick your favourites or something , I don’t really mind tbh

thank you in advance ! ! ! have a wonderful day / noon / night 💞

a/n: thank you for requesting again!! this was lowkey hella hard to do dude so i'm really sorry for how long this took. i managed to get all the hashira in and kept it pg obviously for muichiro since he is underage but i left him as is. i was legit brain dead writing this but here you go!

𝕣𝕖𝕟𝕘𝕦𝕜𝕠 𝕜𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕛𝕦𝕣𝕠𝕦 ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ

He doesn't take well to it, but he also understands that the fellow Demon Slayer was only trying to give you constructive criticism. Kyoujurou would scramble at first not knowing how to react since it was the first time he'd ever seen you so distraught. But then he'd finally recollect himself and dismiss the slayer and get back to you.

But just as he finally got himself together you'd throw yourself in his arms and blubber like a baby. Which again would have him flustered at first, but he'd soon chuckle and hold your face in his hands. A chaste kiss on your forehead that would cease your weeping.

"You know, my little flame, you're quite cute when you cry."

You looked up from his tear soaked uniform to his blazing eyes, gazing down at you lovingly. It sent your heart racing and you could no longer look at him. So you did what any other person would do if they were madly in love Kyo and couldn't look him in the eyes. You buried your face back into his chest while the heat rushed to your cheeks. The sound of laughter escaping his lips once more as you smiled against his damp uniform.

𝕘𝕚𝕪𝕦𝕦 𝕥𝕠𝕞𝕚𝕠𝕜𝕒 ₍ᐢ ̥ ͉ ̥ᐢ₎

He doesn't exactly think it through, just does. So in one swoop motion he'd carry you out of there and gave the fellow slayer any icy glare that had them shivering to their core. You'd be shocked at how quickly he'd get you out of that situation and he'd stop at an isolated area for you guys to be alone.

"U-um, Giyuu?" You'd stutter, as you rubbed your eyelids and looked at him with eyes are big as saucers.

"Are you alright?" His stunning cerculean blue gaze was piercing through your heart.

"Y-yeah. You can put me down now." His face automatically vermillion with agitation at the realization of you being in his arms. He firmly planted you on the ground and turned away to avoid looking at you. You laughed at how cute he looked when becomes embarrassed and slipped your arms around him from behind as you buried your face in his back.

"Thank you, my love."

𝕥𝕖𝕟𝕘𝕖𝕟 𝕦𝕫𝕦𝕚 ₍ᐢ ̥ ̮ ̥ᐢ₎ *:･。

"Eh?! Why are you crying [name]?"

It wasn't the first time he'd see you crying, but he was very perplexed by the sight in front of him. He didn't think much of it when the lower rank demon slayer was simply advising you to be more careful on the next mission. His ruby glare burred holes into the back of their heads.

"Why the hell did you make them cry for? It's not very flamboyant of you." He was menancing to say the least. It caused the demon slayer to stammer on his words until you spoke up rubbing at your eyes.

"It's not their fault, Tengen. I just get emotional. You know this." You sniffled as you tried your best to regain your composure. A soft 'tch' left his lips before he carried you on his shoulder which gave rise to a squeal from you.

"Put me down!"

He smacked your bottom and chuckled devilishly.

"Nah, I think we're gonna change that whiney mood of yours right up!"

𝕠𝕓𝕒𝕟𝕒𝕚 𝕚𝕘𝕦𝕣𝕠 U ´꓃ ` U

He doesn't waste anytime elbowing the person into the ground. Not only for just talking to you, but making you cry?! Oh, buddy. You're in for the beating of a lifetime.

"Obanai!" You exclaimed. Your tear stained face contorted into worry as you watched the now pummeled slayer knock out cold.

"That'll teach him. I'll make sure he never sees the light of day the next time he even looks in your direction." He sneered at them and then looked at you with gentle eyes. "Are you alright?"

You nodded as he dabbed away at your face and caressed you cheek.

"Alright, let's go then."

He stated before getting up and taking your hand in his as he dragged you away from the scene.

"Wait! Shouldn't we help him?" You were glad that Obanai cared that much about you, but he really shouldn't just go around attacking people like that and leaving them unconscious.

"No, Shinobu will take care of that eyesore."

𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕠𝕓𝕦 𝕜𝕠𝕔𝕙𝕠𝕦 Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

"You must have a death wish."

The tone in her voice was so venomous yet sickly sweet it almost could've been enough to kill you. The nerve in her temple popping out as the demon slayer who was unfortunate enough to accidentally make you cry shuddered in fear.

"Shinobuuu." You whined. "Please leave them alone. They didn't mean any harm!"

Her eyes went soft when she saw you in your distressed state and then back to her vicious glare when it was back on them. "Run along now."

Her voice still even, yet scary. The demon slayer bowed quickly before escaping leaving you two alone. Shinobu sighed as she caressed your cheek.

"You're so delicate, sometimes." Your shoulders slumped at her words. It wasn't for long because Shinobu decided to plant a kiss on your nose and giggled. "Ara, ara, [name]-chan. You're still my sweet butterfly."

Shinobu didn't show much PDA, but when she did it made your heart implode and she was absolutely, 1000% aware of this.

𝕞𝕚𝕥𝕤𝕦𝕣𝕚 𝕜𝕒𝕟𝕣𝕠𝕛𝕚 ʕ♡˙ᴥ˙♡ʔ

Her face would get all puffed up and red as she watched you cry from a few feet away, that is until you started to hug the person that was causing the "commotion".

"I hope you find peace." You said softly as you pulled away. The person thanked you and bowed with tears in their eyes before stepping away.

"[Name], are you okay?!" Mitsuri exclaimed as she hugged you with all her might. You had to tap out for her to let go. She noticed this and you gasped for air as she apologized endlessly.

"I'm okay, Mitsuri. Their family was attacked by demons and I managed to save one member and they just came to thank me in person." You vigorously swabbed at your eyes with your sleeves before smiling again at your lovely wife. Mitsuri didn't realize her strength and sometimes that would lead to her infamous death hugs.

"Oh, [name]! You are so heroic!" She squeaked with joy as she squeezed you again, this time with less agnozing pressure. You hugged her back as you laid your head on her shoulder and thanked God your partner was as lovely as she was.

𝕘𝕪𝕠𝕞𝕖𝕚 𝕙𝕚𝕞𝕖𝕛𝕚𝕞𝕒 ₍ᐢ｡ ˬ ｡ᐢ₎

His towering height alone was enough to have the culprit who made you cry shaking in their boots. Gyomei would simply ignore that he sent that person pissing themselves and would lift you in his arms as he dabbed away at your tears with his hankerchief.

"Dont cry, my flower. They're not worth your precious tears." He'd murmur against the apple of your cheek as he kissed it. This would instantly boost your mood and have you throwing your arms around him and squeezing him tight. You'd plant the biggest kiss on his cheek causing him to blush.

"Thank you, Gyo."

𝕤𝕒𝕟𝕖𝕞𝕚 𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕒𝕫𝕦𝕘𝕒𝕨𝕒 ʕ； •`ᴥ•´ʔ

Anger. Kind of a no brainer. He'd go off on the person who made you cry and in return would make them cry and run far, far away. He'd comfort you by giving you a nice, bear hug and kiss on the top of your forehead whilst asking if you were ok. You'd end up laughing with tears still in your eyes and obviously this would puzzle him.

"What are you laughing about?"

"You just scared the bejeezus out of that guy and sent him crying!"

He'd chuckle and bring you back in for another warm hug and your face would nuzzle the crook of his neck.

"I'll send anyone crying for you."

𝕞𝕦𝕚𝕔𝕙𝕚𝕣𝕠 𝕥𝕠𝕜𝕚𝕥𝕠 ₍ᐢ ̥ ̞ ̥ᐢ₎ ♥

Much like when he showed his distain towards Tanjiro when he interrupted Oyakata-sama. He would be watching from a distance, and fiercely flick pebbles at a scary fast velocity that was deadly enough to pierce a hole through the person who dared to talk down to you. But, of course, he held back since it was only a mere human but it was enough to send them to groveling on their knees.

You'd wipe your tears away and turn in the direction it came from to see Muichiro smiling at you while tossing a pebble up and down in hand. He was always watching over you.

[ayyezhongli]

dom student council pres zhongli x troublemaker childe

Guess who’s back :D Back with some zhonchi smut for all u sinners. Note: Theres a lot of spelling errors bc when i wrote this i was telling it to a friend n they said i should post this n i’m too lazy to edit it so yeah! enjoy <3

summary kinda: child did something n is now stuck in detention with zhongli being a kinky president of the student council watching him.

so childe is bored asf n tries seducing zhongli. but childe has always had a crush on zhongli. thats why he misbehaves to get his attention.

so zhongli says “ur here again” n sighs

“yup did you miss me?! dont answer that bc ik you did”

n zhongli sighs again all annoyed n shit

“seems you never learn”

“maybe i’m jus here bc i love n want to see you everyday”

n zhongli taking that as sarcasm rolls his eyes

“i doubt that.”

and so for like 30mins childe is making all these noises to get zhongli’s attention and annoy him which it works. and zhongli having enough of it already decides that he needs to be punished. so he gets up n walks over to the desk childe is sitting at cups his face with his hand grinning

“u rly like to get on my nerves dont you~…..” and childe’s tryna contain himself

“is it working~?”

“idk pretty boy….wanna find out for urself~…..”

n zhongli is like inches away from childe’s face. n childe still keeping his composure decides to tease back hoping to get what he’s longed for for so long.

“idk do i~?….”

and zhongli leans in n jus as hes abt to kiss childe he pulls away and walks back over to the teachers desk and childe is really disappointed bc he thought he finally had it but jus lost it. so zhongli goes back to working on his paperwork while childe is just furious.

”Is this how u treat everyone?! tease them and leave them with nothing. take advantage of us!!”

n zhongli bursts out laughing putting his papers in a neat stack

”ur quite interesting childe, if i said it was jus u would that make u feel better??”

and childe huffs rolling his eyes still rly pissed off.

“did u want more? were you expecting something more from me? something else?”

n childe blushing looks away

“fuck off”

n zhongli gets mad at the response and pulls out one of those long ass rulers n gets up n starts walking to childe.

“thats no way to speak to the student council president. you need to be punished”

so zhongli sets the ruler aside still pissed asf

“get up.” childe ignores.

”get up right now.” childe still ignores.

so zhongli grabs the ruler smacking it against the desk childe is at.

“GET UP RIGHT NOW!”

n childe jumps a little and gets up

“ok ok chill”

so childe walks over to zhongli n stands in front of him.

“im gonna punish n force you into submission until u completely submit to me”

childe laughs

“no way. you really think u can do that? just try”

“oh i will. just watch me”

(a/n: in this fic childe has bright pink sensitive nipples bc ughh 😩🤌🏾 well both of them have bright pink nipples but zhonglis r rly sensitive.)

so zhongli turns childe around n starts grinding against him causing childe to moan ever so slightly.

“do u like that~?”

n childe tryna keep his composure laughs to cover up a moan. n zhongli looks down and grins seeing childe’s hard erection through his clothes.

so zhongli reaches down n starts palming childe causing slightly louder moans to come out of his mouth.

“your so hard for me childe….what a naughty slutty little boy~“

childe loses it bc zhongli is finally saying the things he’s been dreaming of him saying. so zhongli amused starts licking the shell of his ear biting and nibbling it which makes childe blush harder. so zhongli reaches his hand down into childe’s pants and boxers and wraps his hand around childe’s dick which he almost cums. so zhongli starts pumping him n not even 30s he throws his head back on zhonglis shoulder n cums letting out a loud moan

“fuck zhongli~…..”

zhongli smirks very amused

“so quick to cum~ do i rly turn u on that much~?”

n childe fights the urge to nod his head and submit. he’s not going down without a fight.

“no i was just pent up. why would i be for someone like you!!”

zhongli snickers and slides his hands up childes shirt n starts taking it off.

“not submitting yet i see~….”

“did u think it would be that easy asshole? ha!”

so zhongli turns childe around.

“you should just give up now! your not go-“

n zhongli interrupts him with a passionate kiss. a long deep one filled with sexual tension n desire. he leaves childe blushing like crazy and gasping for air.

“what was that? i didnt catch the last part, say that again.”

“i said that i’m never gonna sub-“

n zhongli interrupts him again. same thing happens like 2 more times until childe gives up.

“can u repeat that one more time?”

and childe looks away with a annoyed expression on his face

“glad that shut u up~”

so then zhongli looks childe up and down bites his lip causing childe to blush.

“you’re kinda cute…i think i can use u….”

n childe blushes more

“and these nipples….”

zhongli says while pinching them making childe arch his back and moan loudly.

“they look pink and innocent…but when i pinch n twist them like this…”

childe lets out n even louder moan with a face flushed even more n drool running down the side of his mouth

“….you make such naughty noises and that really turns me on.”

and so zhongli continues pinch n play with them and then starts marking his neck.

“what if i made u mine hmm? my little fuck toy? or how abt pet?? you could be of some use to me….”

and all childe can do is whimper. so zhongli has him bend over on the teachers desk and pulls down childe’s pants. and he like squeezes childes plump round ass and caresses it before grabbing the ruler and spanking him with it which causes childe to moan n cum immediately.

“ur such a slutty masochist”

n childe groans n is like stuttering his words

“w-w-well ur so fucking sadis-“

n zhongli spanks him not with the ruler this time but his hand n childe jus looses it.

“ready to submit….?”

n childe tryna keep the ounce of pride he has left shakes his head.

“no!”

zhongli spanks him again.

“how abt now?”

“No!”

n so zhongli gets an idea n sticks his fingers inside childe’s mouth.

“suck”

childe does so n a minute later zhongli pulls them out.

“what are you gonna d- ahh!”

and zhongli’s fingers are wiggling around inside childe tryna get him prepared. childe has just completely lost it. he’s drooling all over the desk, moaning so loudly that if there was people here they would be able to hear, clinging onto the edge of the desk like his life is on the line.

“f-fuck zhongli…ahhh”

he’s a panting slutty mess. a fee mins later zhongli pulls his fingers out n takes off his own pants and boxers lining himself up to childes entrance. he inserts only the tip of his dick causing childe to go even more crazy if thats even possible n moan so fucking loud. but its been long enough. he wants more. more of zhongli inside him. he wants all. all of zhongli inside him. so he whimpers n cries out zhongli’s name.

“whats the problem sweetheart?”

zhongli says grinning from ear to ear.

“pls..”

childe says desperately

“pls what?”

”pls zhongli i-….”

“you…? gotta tell me what u want otherwise i wont know.”

“pls i want more of u….!!”

“beg for more than.”

“Zhongli pls i want ur cock inside me so bad. pls i’ll do anything!! just fuck me already!!”

“anything…?”

zhongli says slipping half way inside him.

“y-y-yes just pls fuck me!!”

n zhongli, a very satisfied man jus starts pounding into him hitting his g spot every time.

“Fuck! fuck! fuck! FUCK! ZHONGLI PLS SLOW DOWN AHH~!!”

n that only makes zhongli speed up and childe cums like multiple times. after a while, giving a few last thrusts zhongli comes for the second time inside childe. and pulls out while childe just drops to the floor completely unable to move or anything. jus a panting blushing hot slutty mess with zhongli’s cum dripping out of him. all pride lost. pulling his pants and boxers back on zhongli lifts him up to his feet and bc childe has no strength he just falls onto zhongli resting his head on his shoulder.

“now that you’ve completely submit to me, ur all mine~….mine to do whatever i pls with. mine and only mine. No one else….”

and childe jus nods groaning bc of the pain.

”i hope u learned ur lesson now. unless…. you wanna comeback again for another visit…”

n childe jus groans again.

“i see the way you look at me childe….a look filled with lust and desire…its really quite a turn on~….. you look so desperately….so needy….so vulnerable…the amount of times i wanted to bend you over and fuck u so hard until you cant walk is too much to count. i wanted to make you mine so no one else could have that innocent slutty little boy who’s just oozing with sexual desire. any man or woman would get turned on n wanna have there way with you. u needed to be protected and only by me.”

so zhongli grinds his teeth bc of how possessive he is.

“so no one but me can fuck u stupid. and now that ur finally mine…i dont have to worry abt it so much as before”

n so zhongli strokes childe’s hair n plants a kiss on his head.

“you’re my precious little play thing.”

and childe, burying his face into zhongli’s chest smiles bc thats all he ever wanted. and then he looks up at zhongli as zhongli looks down at him smiling.

“zhongli…?”

”yes?”

“if all u said was true….why were u such an asshole to me. you were stricter on me than others, ruder to me than others, tougher on me then others….so why?”

“why?”

zhongli chuckles n childe nods

“to keep a good reputation, but i also wanted to push you, everytime u got angry and gave me attitude it only turned me on. which is why i kept going….does that answer ur question?”

n childe grunts

“u sadistic fuck!”

n zhongli laughs

“says the one who got turned on every time i public humiliated or yelled at you….”

“thats not true!!”

“uh-huh…the sexual energy u admit would become stronger and i could hear your breathing getting heavier with breathy tiny moans and u would always part ur lips slightly and rub ur thighs together and on top of that, ur eyes squint ever so slightly.”

childe was speechless bc this whole time he thought he was being slick.

“w-w-well that doesnt matter!”

childe said huffing and zhongli only chuckled and kissed his head.

“hey childe…”

“what!”

“i love you….”

childe was blushing like crazy. never in a million years did he think zhongli would say that.

“you can’t just go randomly saying those things?!!”

childe said burying his face deeper into zhonglis chest.

“b-but i love you too i guess…”

he mumbled and zhongli smirked.

“look at me.”

childe looked up into zhonglis ambers eyes embarrassed asf.

“wh-wh-what is it?”

“you’re really cute yk.”

n zhongli leaned down slightly and kissed him before he could say anything else. the end :)

thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed even though its formatted weird and kinda sorta a story. 🥰

[justarandomgirly]

My Loki series - EP 3

Very long post

This episode features Lady Loki and the sun shining on Loki and Thor again

When they return to Asgard, and they get off horses, they see several soldiers warching towards them.

- What now? signed Loki.

Fenrir starts growling at the guards. Small but fierce.

- Odin requiers your presence in his study says one guard to the princes.

Loki and Thor look at each other. Thor's comrads leave and brothers followed by Drrf and Fenrir head for the palace. They dont even make it to the study,because Odin is standing in the middle of one of the halls with spear in his hand and guards around him.

- I have shown remarkable patience with you,Loki he says But I have a limit and you are on its edge.

Loki sighs.

- We really have to stop meeting like this he says.

Odin looks at Thor

- You went to Nornheim to make some kind of a deal with Karnilla without notifying me?

- And why should I? Thor asks I am a king and I can bargain with whomever I please.

- Karnila isnt our friend! Odin protests

- She is mine says Loki And it was me who asked her for help. Be mad at me. You are very good at that.

Odin quickly raises Gungnir and fires at Loki. But he bounces the shot back at Odin and shouts

- See how easily I cast off your spells? Do you yet not realize you are facing someone stronger than you?

At this point Frigga comes and Thor takes the spear from Odin.

- You are no longer king says Thor You have no right to use this

- I am alfather! He protests I have made you king! I can easily take it back! Im warning you, Thor. Be aware...

Loki interupts him

- Can you remember a time you werent feeding off our fear? You dont get it,do you? We arent playing anymore.

Frigga is holding Odin's hand and as she gently says his name, Odin keeps looking at Loki.

- Stop fighting our sons she says.

- He isnt my son! Odin yells and eventho he doesnt have the spear no more;he tries to hit Loki with his fist but Loki catches his wrist and growls

- You will never strike me again.

Loki lets him go. Odin looks at him in shock. Loki never possessed such strength or he just never showed it. Loki smiles

- Now after all these years I know why you locked me, locked away my powers, kept my heritage hidden from me. Because you are afraid of me.

As if Odin,when absorbing Loki's words, lost his strength. He falls on the ground while Frigga holds his hand the whole time. Guards surroud Odin. Loki watches him fall into Odinsleep once more. Except this time Loki can sense Odin will not wake up.

___________________________________

Loki is sitting on a bench on one of the terraces with Fenrir by his side. The wolf is sleeping and Loki is petting his fur. Drrf slowly approaches him and sits beside him.

- I am sorry about your father,master

Loki shows no reaction.

- I never knew my father continued Drrf I think he ran away when he saw my appearance. I must have been a huge disappointment for him.

- And your mother? Asks Loki.

- I barely remember her. All I remember is her leaving me in the stables and saying to wait for her but she never came back. For a long time I was fooling myself that something must have happened to her. But now I know she gave me up.

Loki looks at him. One would say he is a child based only on his size.

- Have you been alone since that day? How did you survive?

- I found others.

- Like you?

Drrf nodded.

- Maybe runts among frost giants are not that uncommon.

Loki didnt want to snoop so he asked

- Can you lead me to them? To the others like you?

- Will you promise me nothing is going to happen to them?

- Why would anything happen to them?

- Queen doesnt consider is citizens. We are outcasts. We go out of our hidings to find food but lots of times we dont make it back. We literally become food ourselves.

Loki closes his eyes and shakes his head.

- That ends when Im king Loki says. You will all be treated equaly. And you, my dear Drrf, will have an honourable place in my council.

Drrf's eyes glow and he smiles

- Oh master. I already owe you so much. You have given me so much and I still havent returned it.

Loki smiles

- Some acts dont require response. Nor repayment. Only simple thank you.

- Thank you,master Drrf bows his head

Then he looks somewhere and his eyes open wide.

- I must go

And with that he runs away. Loki is confused but then he sees why Drrf disappeared

____________________________________

Sigyn was approaching him. In golden gown with green ornaments. He stood up and said

- I hope youre well.

- I am now she smiled Knowing that nothing bad has happened to you. I was concerned when I heard you left for Nornheim.

They stood pretty close to each other at this point.

- You were worried about me? Loki smiles softly looking down at her.

- I always am.

Loki gently touches her hand and plays with her fingers.

- I dont want to see you get hurt,Sigyn. You should stay here. Its going to be a gruesome battle

- But you will be fighting for what you believe in. I want to fight for who I believe in.

He looks at her

- How can you have such faith in me? He whispers.

Sigyn touches curls falling down on his shoulder and says

- Maybe I see in you what even you dont see in yourself.

Loki sighs and leans his forehead against hers.

- I am leaving in the morning he says But I will soon come back. I must see how many men my general has gathered for me. And wether anything changed in Utgard. My return depends on many factors.

Sigyn puts her hands on his chest and looks into his eyes

- Do not lie to me;Loki.

- Im not lying,Sigyn. Not to you. Ever.

He looks at Asgard glowing in the night and says

- I want to do things without lies. I want to forge my own direction. To meld my old name but with a new identity. For once...I want to be a Loki I can be proud of.

She smiles and touches his face

- I have always been proud of you.

_____________________________________

In the morning Loki is saying goodbye. He is ready to teleport with Drrf and Fenrir to Jotunheim. They are standing in the gardens. Frigga also comes and she is hugging Loki

- I hope you know what youre doing.

- I know,mother.

- Take care,my son.

- Dont worry about me. I will soon return. Loki always survives.

She kisses him on his cheek then she leaves. Thor says

- Im sorry I cant join you on your quest, brother. I will give you my men but with Odin deep in Odinsleep, I cannot leave Asgard.

- I know,Thor. Just knowing you would follow me into any battle is enough for me.

Brothers hug. Loki wants to leave but Thor stops him.

- Wait. I have something for you.

Thor gestures to a couple of guards. They approache them carrying a large chest. They put it on the ground and leave.

- Open it says Thor

Loki carefuly does it and he is standing above an open chest surprised.

- It belongs to the king of Jotunheim says Thor It belongs to you

Loki leans forward and takes the object out of the chest with both hands.

The casket of the antient warriors.

As he is holding it,he is turning blue. Thor sees his brother in his natural form for the first time. Loki is looking at the casket. Then he looks up, directly into the camera and mischiviously smiles.

Tag list: @groovygirlie @miathenerdypotato @alls-fair-in-pride-and-prejudice @alirhi @kayleigh-nightingale @finnismyoriginalsin @shadowassassin32 @itscomplicatedx

[pseudofaux]

1/2 Pseu, the last couple Slings I rq’ed some dirty talk & MA’AM did u deliver. But I realized I never thanked/gave feedback like a dummy so here I am! They were so so SO good (fenrir esp & SIRIUS?! 😳 woof), pls dont doubt ur DT writing skills bc they were all so hot, /very/ in character (I could practically hear Kyles!) & beautifully written to boot. Ur prose has so much personality, it is such a joy to read <3 & I have def read those pieces. many. times. I just want to thank u & apologize for asking u 2 go out of ur comfort zone. When I get the chance I will def tip u for the trouble (& commission if im brave enough lol)

Thank you so, so much for this! I really appreciate hearing that the dirty talk worked for you, that’s the best. When other writers do that right it GETS ME FEELING, so knowing that might be true outward as well is!!! a lot and very cool! But if you are this nice to me I will CRY. 🥺💙💙💙 SO LET’S GET TO THE GOOD SH*T, I am so glad you asked for this because Faust is one of the best characters to get n a s t y with, the holier the man, the, uh... holier our holes? Something like that? ANYWAY:

CW: degrading language (”whore”, ��slut”), sadism, some sacrilegious thinking  regarding Jesus’ crucifixion (this is quick and about related imagery, but I’m putting it in the warnings just in case), depravity in a church. If any of the stuff in the ask squicks you out, keep yourself safe and turn away. 💙

(Requests are open through May 1 if you would like to get one in, dear reader!)

“A whore in my chapel,” he muses. It’s so soft, his voice is so very soft, it makes the words feel funny in her head. She knows they are lashes but they feel like petals, and when her eyes close it is not to hide from the words but to shut out everything except his voice so she does not miss any others. She wants everything he has to say. She wants anything he has to give her. All the thorns of the crown, every scrape of the doubter’s spear slicing through the flesh of her belly. Simply knowing him—as though there were anything simple about it— has warped her. That’s why she stepped through the doors into the dim chapel, lit more by moonlight than the sparse candles at the altar.

He tilts his head as he considers her. She is just beyond the threshold and she is just deciding she should beg him to let her stay when he moves closer.

“Open,” he says, but he is pulling at her mouth with one gloved finger as he begins talking so she has no chance to obey on her own. She wants to! Why is he taking that from her? She leans forward as though it will help her anticipate his next request sooner.

She is not prepared at all for him to grab her by the chin or come so close. Her heart knows the joy of an entire flock of freed birds when she thinks he is going to kiss her. There has never been a time when she blinked so fast in her life—

He comes close enough for warmth, but not touch. He spits between her open lips. “Move that around with your tongue. Get the filth out of your sluttish mouth,” he tells her. She is beyond shocked but she does as he says. It should be revolting to have someone else’s saliva in her mouth like this, but she is so gone for him she doesn’t even want to swallow, wants to keep that piece of him mixing with her, safe and warm. When he takes a step back and lets go, she falls to her knees with her palms up like some kind of penitent. She doesn’t mean to. It just feels right.

She could be in a comfortable bed right now, instead of on the unswept floor of a chapel, all her worshipful inclination aimed away from the altar and toward a very dangerous man. Will her foolishness mean they find her in a ditch somewhere... Will they find her at all? Or will he send her back on unsteady feet with her own juice tickling her legs as it travels from her core to the ground? She can’t fathom what will seem most cruel to him, what he’s most likely to do.

That’s not really a part of her interest. She’s not sure she could explain the interest if she tried, but it is the full shape of her heart now, and directs her nighttime steps to him no matter what her brain tells her otherwise. If she knew where he was during the day, she would try to find him then, too. Her comfortable bed is nice but it does not make her blood sing like he does. The pain he gives, and his presence, those are things she has come to need.

And he fulfills those needs. He’s generous with pain and he is always there when he gives it to her. She nearly swoons to the floor thinking about it, and only the thought that she might lose out on time with him keeps her upright and dutifully swirling his spit in her mouth.

“Get up, imbecile,” he says, and he points further into the chapel! She is being invited even more inside! She could weep! “Lean back against that pew. You’re not even worthy of kneeling in this place.”

She’s not. Somewhere in her there is a heart that is kind and good, and a person who tries to do her best, but the moment she left the mansion to come here she was guided only by selfish lust. It’s what makes her stand up so fast. She doesn’t even know what he will do if she manages to please him... so far she has only experienced his sharpness, and it has worked to hook her as surely as a fish.

Her feet are moving but she is lost in an imagining that he is piercing the side of her mouth when he shouts “Swallow already!” at her, and it makes her jump. It also makes her so, so happy that he was paying so much attention. Every echo of his rage is like choir music. She swallows immediately. In her rush her throat betrays her and she feels like she will choke, but before she can stop herself she coughs and then keeps trying to clear her windpipe. His hand is on her upper arm and he shakes her like a rag doll. It does not help, but it feels like a dance.

Faust grits out “Get. Over there.” and she gets, still coughing. It is uncomfortable and her eyes are watering but she longs for him more than air and he let go of her arm when he pushed her toward the pews. So her steps are sad ones.

She puts her back and her hands onto the curve of the pew. It’s wide, smooth wood beneath her. The sturdiness brings her head down from the clouds in time to hear the slide of the book bundle he has kicked toward her, just in time to move her ankle out of the way. He laughs and mutters something she can’t hear. She tries very, very hard not to pout about it.

“I don’t have all night,” he says flatly. “Put your foot up and show your sin to me.”

It’s a scramble to comply-- should she hold up her skirt first or put a foot on the books and then raise the fabric?-- but her body just moves, eager to comply. This is why she’s here. As much as for him, she is in this chapel for what only he can do.

He rolls his eyes as she wads up her skirt in her hands. Her stockings can’t be clean after that time on the chapel floor, and there is no way her underwear is without a telltale patch of lust, not with the way all his power has been pooling between her legs since before she even touched the other side of the chapel doors. When he steps close she can actually feel a tiny but undeniable gush of arousal slipping out of her so easily it might as well be her self-control. It’s mortifying. She hopes he sees.

Then he is close, close enough for one of his hands to slip behind the leg that goes straight to the ground and stroke it, which makes her bite back a moan. She has to clench her teeth shut just to withstand the gentle contact without falling over. When he pulls her leg up, her knee rests beside his hip and she begins to shudder so hard she fears she will convulse.

“Stop that this instant,” he hisses, and his fingers dig into the back of her thigh so hard all that gently-stroked flesh is too stupid to feel the hurt right away. It comes to her quickly, though. She bites back another sound, something more vulnerable.

He watches her, then leans in beside her ear. “You put your foot on a stack of bibles in a church,” he whispers to her, every syllable touching his teeth the way she wishes he would touch her. “And you spread your legs like you think someone wants to see your mess.” He makes the most derisive, delicious noise, and her eyes roll so far back into her head it nearly hurts. More words, more words, please...

He takes her by the chin again, and when he lets go of her leg she knows she needs to keep it exactly where it was, no matter how precarious this makes her balance, while his hand comes up to slap her face. “You don’t tell me one wretched thing, slut,” he enunciates carefully. She did not even realize her thoughts had become words. She quickly tries to apologize and he slaps her other cheek. 

“Shut up,” he says, syrup sweet, and slides his hand back under her thigh. It’s the exact tone of a bully. She shuts up. She shudders, too, from the way it seeps into her and makes her warm all over.

He lets go of her chin and pulls the front of her underwear into his fist. He keeps pulling until the soft, well-laundered muslin digs at the back of her hips and her sex at the same time, right up against the tender flesh of her holes, and makes her yelp. He must have measured his strength exactly, she hears the snap of two threads but the fabric holds. He could rip it from her with ease. Why is he not doing that? He gives the muslin just a little slack, then pulls it even tighter and she feels like a marionette, all her limbs out of her own control. Were it not for her hands on the back of the pew, she would be a mess on the floor instead of a mess barely standing

Faust growls, “Be still, sinner-- and keep this leg up-- or I’ll make it so much worse.”

She keeps the leg up without his hand beneath it. She will never again doubt the existence of miracles.

He pulls the soaked fabric aside, pulls back his newly freed hand, and slaps her right on her slit without any preamble. The shock of the hit is gold and white-blue behind her eyes, and her sob is ugly, an animal’s sound in a place meant for prayerful people. He says nothing as she whimpers through the hurt of every little ripple of post-pain, the way the tingles stay focused on the flesh that took the hit. It feels like a scorch on both sides of her sex that she cannot escape; how appropriate that inescapable he put that feeling on her, in her.

Belatedly she realizes that she did stay still, and that calms her spirit, strokes her in time with his thumbs on the inside of each thigh. High like heaven. Soft as a dream. He may even be shushing her tenderly instead of telling her to be silent, but she is so delirious she cannot be sure. She can feel the way she is even more wet, because the slickness makes the burn better. Not in a healing way, in a way that clarifies the precious, god-given sharpness he provides. She is sinful and filthy and so far below worthy of his touch, but he does touch her, he talks to her and touches her, and when Faust does those things she feels very holy. There is a silence in her soul that makes it a little easier to ignore the way her body is screaming from pain and desperate want.

The slap hurts. It takes her a long time to come down from the pain and the heat. But when she is silent, he sneers and stops stroking her thighs, and then he does it again.

[whumpupthejam]

He’s Out There

//tw: kidnapping, home invasion, stalking

Marcus’s hands are still shaking. They need to stop shaking. He can’t get the key to fit into the lock of his apartment door. Damn it, that’s the wrong key. What’s wrong with him? The jingling of metal is too loud in the otherwise silent night as he attempts to find the right one.

Not being able to stop himself as his panic rises, he looks back at the parking lot, eyes scanning the rows of vehicles belonging to his neighbors. Every shadow seems to deepen and darken as his eyes dart back and forth. They catch movement and his breath hitches, but it’s only Mrs. Allret walking her chihuahua, Diane. Nothing strange. Nothing unexpected for a Thursday night. But he can feel the eyes on him, same as he had in the grocery store. His flesh hasn’t stopped crawling since he first noticed the man staring at him from the end of the bread aisle. Everywhere he went in the store, the man’s dark eyes had followed. Is it stupid to think that the man might’ve followed him home? Somehow, Marcus is certain that he did—that he’s still watching him right now from some shadowed place that he can’t see.

“Fuck, fuck!” Marcus growls when he drops his keys. He hasn’t been standing in front of his door for more than twenty seconds, but it feels like twenty minutes, grocery bags weighing heavily on his wrists. Crouching as best he can, he grabs the keys and finally unlocks the door, still in that position. He half-crawls through the door, kicking it shut behind him. The groceries remain on the floor as he spins around to re-lock the door as quickly as possible.

He stays there for a moment, kneeling just inside, panting. As he slaps himself lightly on the cheek to pull himself out of it, he chuckles. This whole reaction was enormously stupid. Sure, that guy at the store was a freaking creep, but why would he follow Marcus home? And anyway, even if he did, it would be pointless. Marcus has nothing worth stealing. His apartment is modest at best, and he doesn’t even have enough furniture to fill it—he doesn’t even have a couch! He’s a college dropout. He eats 99¢ noodles for almost every meal. The only reason he was able to go on a more substantial shopping trip tonight was that his cousin finally paid him for when he dog-sat for her three weeks ago.

No, the only thing worth stealing might be his TV, or his laptop. His TV, the man can have if he wants it. It’s old and the audio stopped working last week. The laptop isn’t in too bad of shape, but it’s hardly something that Marcus thinks would make him the target of theft. There are plenty of other people in his complex with much more to offer than he does.

And if the man doesn’t want to steal from him, then he hardly knows what other reason he would have to follow him home. He doesn’t have any enemies. He doesn’t think he owes anyone any money other than Caleb, and his best friend is hardly going to put out a hit on him for thirty bucks.

It’s completely stupid to be so scared of some guy who was probably just acting weird ‘cause he was high or something. He didn’t follow Marcus home. He would’ve had no reason to. Even so, as Marcus stands up and grabs the dropped bags from the floor, the prickly feeling in his stomach doesn’t go away.

He turns on some music as he puts away his food, and sings along, hoping it will put him at ease. It does. He almost forgets about the man from the store until he sees someone cross quickly in front of his living room window. It’s just a flash of movement out of the corner of his eye, but it was unmistakably a person. The blinds are drawn up like they always are. His building backs up to the woods, so there’s no reason anyone should be back there, especially at this time of night. He never feels the need to have the blinds down. Until now, that is.

He takes a shaky breath and turns to finish putting away his groceries. Maybe it was a late-night jogger after all—he doesn’t know that it’s a crazy man. As he puts the last item—a carton of eggs—in the fridge, there is a moment of silence as one song ends and another has not yet begun. Marcus can hear the sound of something moving in the bushes outside the window.

“Fuck,” he says, barely above a whisper.

He quickly shuts off the music and walks tentatively up to the glass. Nothing can be seen in the blackness except for the small bushes beneath the window, and the wall of trees a little ways off in front of him. He can’t get a very good view of the surrounding areas from behind the glass. Briefly, he wonders if he should step out onto the back porch, but quickly decides that that would be the most idiotic thing he could possibly do. Marcus is about to turn back to the kitchen when he notices something that makes his heart stop.

Just to the right of his window, obscured in shadow and almost hidden by the bushes, is the obvious shape of a person crouching down, watching him. He stumbles back as if he’s been shot in the chest, scrambling across the floor to hide behind the kitchen island. The shaking is back, and he can’t catch his breath. His heart is beating painfully against the inside of his chest.

He’s out there.

He doesn’t have to see the person clearly to know it’s him. He just knows.

With fingers that almost appear to be in spasm, he grabs his phone and begins typing out a message to his friend Jake, who happens to live in his building on the second floor.

>are ypy home?

>*you

Usually, Jake is pretty good about responding if he’s available, but two minutes pass and the message is still unread. Marcus presses the ‘call’ icon and puts the phone to his ear. It rings. It keeps ringing.

“Your call has been forwarde—” Marcus doesn’t let the robotic voice finish.

He tries again.

“Your call—”

He lets out a sound that’s somewhere between a whimper and a groan of frustration.

>pls man, tgeres someone outside

>you can call me a pussy I dont care. i’m scared.

>I think he followsd me home

He knows he’s making typos, but his hands are shaking so badly that he can’t do anything about it. Another couple of minutes passes. Marcus can’t bring himself to look around the corner of the island. He just sits with his back pressed against it, staring at his reflection in the oven door. He looks pathetic.

He almost jumps out of his skin when his phone buzzes. It’s Jake.

<Sorry, bud. out with Kass and her friends. pretty wasted. won’t be home tonight.

What? That’s it?

He presses the ‘call’ icon again. It rings.

“Hello?” Jake sounds mildly pissed as he answers. He also, admittedly, does sound wasted. Marcus can hear it in his voice.

“Jake, I’m sorry, but I’m telling you, some guy followed me home from the store, and I think he’s watching me through my window right now.”

“So? Close the window.”

“Jake!”

“Sorry. Sure you’re not seeing things, Marc? Hell, I see things all the time,” Jake slurs, chuckling slightly.

Marcus shakes his head in aggravation. “Dude, stop being an ass, you know I don’t make a big deal about this stuff.” He can’t keep his voice from wobbling. “Please, Jake, help me.”

The line is silent for a minute. “Sorry, Marc. I can tell you’re actually scared, and I’m being a dick. I wish I could help you out right now, but I’m across town and I can’t drive.”

Marcus squeezes his eyes shut. He’s out there right now. He keeps thinking. He’s out there.

“Have you called the police?” Jake asks when Marcus doesn’t respond.

“No.”

“I think you should. Hang up with me and call them right now.” Jake sounds so levelheaded when he says that. Almost like he’s not drunk at all.

“Ok, I will.” Marcus rubs his eyes.

“Call me or text me after you do.”

“I—” Marcus is cut off by a sound from the bedroom. He is frozen as he strains his ears.

It sounds... it sounds like a window sliding open.

Shit, shit, shit, fuck. He opened that window earlier. Did he forget to lock it when he closed it?

Marcus can’t move. He can’t breathe. His eyes are wide, his body trembling.

There are footsteps, causing the hardwood to creak.

He’s inside.

“Marc? Y’ok? Marc?” Jake’s voice on the phone sounds like it’s coming from miles away.

It’s strange, Marcus thinks, to hear someone moving around in the apartment so carefreely, as if they’re supposed to be there. When they’re not.

What should he do? Should he try to sneak away? Should he stand up and confront him—tell him to get the fuck out? Should he just wait to be found? What will happen? What does the man want?

Marcus hears the man enter the living room and he holds his breath. Jake is still trying to talk to him on the phone. He hangs up. There’s silence for a second. The man must just be standing in the middle of the room. Doing what? Looking for him? Listening?

A shiver runs downs Marcus’s already trembling spine and he shifts unintentionally. The wood creaks softly. Apparently that was what the man was waiting for. His footsteps are quick and loud as he crosses the distance to the kitchen island. Marcus doesn’t have time to think before his leg is yanked, his body forcefully dragged out from behind the counter so that he’s on his back staring up at his attacker, who straddles his hips in a flash.

Marcus has always felt too small, too weak. Even when he finally reached a height in high school that was declared by his doctor to be “completely average,” he never felt like his body mass was anywhere near proportional. His recent diet hasn’t helped matters.

This makes it nearly impossible for him to fight back against this man, who seems to be about 250 pounds of pure muscle, and who is painfully crushing his hips under his body. That doesn’t stop him from trying, though. He pushes with all his strength against the man’s arms which are trying to come down to his face. He doesn’t know what the man is trying to do, he just knows that he can’t let him do it. They struggle for a moment before the man gets a good grip on Marcus’s wrists, and holds them out of the way long enough to deliver a shocking blow to Marcus’s face with the back of his hand. The boy’s head snaps to the side with the force of it. It dazes him.

Marcus blinks, groaning softly as a cloth is pressed over his nose and mouth. The last thing he’s aware of is a sweet scent that at once feels both familiar and foreign. It’s something like a mix between chlorine and red wine, he thinks. His eyes grow too heavy, and he falls asleep.

~~~~~

Shit, Marcus thinks as he wakes up, I shouldn’t have drunk so much last night.

His head is killing him, and he can’t even remember the details of the previous evening, so he knows it must have been wild. Jake must’ve convinced him to come out.

Wait.

He did talk to Jake last night, but it was on the phone, wasn’t it? He called him about something.

Marcus rubs his eyes and finally opens them. Then it all hits him. The store. The man. The window. The phone call. The struggle.

Panic sets in as he realizes that he is not in his room. He is not in his bed as he had assumed when he first woke up. As he squints in the dark, he can see that the room he is in is rather small and made up entirely of concrete, with only a single metallic door on the far wall. The “bed” he is on is nothing more than a dirty mattress. His hands are shackled to a chain, which tethers him to the wall and gives him almost no slack to be able to move.

He’s trapped. The man took him. Why? What the fuck is happening?

The door opens suddenly and the shock of the light sends daggers into his eyes. He shields them as best he can in his shoulder.

When he is finally able to squint back at the person who just entered, he realizes that it’s him. The man is tall and buff, and he has his arms crossed over his chest. Marcus can really only see his silhouette, and it bothers him that he can’t see his face. He can’t see those dark eyes, can’t see what they’re intending.

“It’s so nice to see you awake,” The man says. His voice is low, but not quite as low as Marcus had expected. “Does your head hurt?”

After a moment of hesitation, Marcus nods uncertainly. As his eyes adjust to the light, he sees the man smile, nodding his head as well. It disconcerts Marcus and he shifts slightly on the mattress.

“You did very well, much better than I was expecting,” The man says as he walks forward casually. He notices the look of confusion on Marcus’s face and smiles again. “Last night. Yes, you struggled a bit, but I enjoyed that. It was just enough to be exciting. And you calmed right down when I hit you.” The man crouches down in front of Marcus, and reaches out to press on the bruise caused by his hand the night before.

Marcus twists, pulling his face away as much as possible. “You drugged me!” he defends. It made his stomach twist to hear the man say that he “calmed right down,” as if it was a conscious decision.

The man ignores his statement, his dark eyes studying the boy’s face intently. “Did your father used to hit you?” He suddenly asks.

Marcus’s eyebrows furrow. The man just chuckles.

“I think you are going to be one of my most entertaining projects yet,” he muses, standing up.

“Projects?” Marcus is disturbed by the word. The man looks at him for a moment, smiling slightly, but he says nothing. It becomes too much. “What do you want from me? Why did you do this?” Marcus bursts. “Money? I have none. Neither does my family, if that’s what you’re hoping. You saw my apartment, I have nothing. I think you must have the wrong person.” he surprises himself with how much he’s able to get out before he becomes too nervous again.

He is surprised further by the man letting out a hearty laugh. “Yes, I suppose I do have the wrong person, in a way. And yet, in another way, I don’t.” Marcus must look confused again. “Ah, well, I suppose before this really gets started I can give you some answers. It’ll be better, really. This did, in fact, start out being about money. You see, an acquaintance of mine is also an acquaintance of a friend of yours, Jacob Settler. He lives in your building.”

Marcus’s eyes go wide. Jake? What does he have to do with this?

“Your friend Jacob owes my acquaintance quite a bit of money. I’m blurry on the details, but it seems he borrowed money for surgery for his sister, or something of that nature.”

Jake did tell him about having a sister who had been sick, but Marcus thought that was years ago.

“Well, the arrangement was that dear Jacob would pay my acquaintance back with interest. No documents were signed, of course. My acquaintance... well, let’s just say not everything he does is above table. Obviously.” On that word, he grins widely. It makes Marcus uncomfortable again.

“When the time came for Jacob to pay up, he was nowhere to be found. He’d skipped town, and his family had gone as well. Well, as you can imagine, this made my acquaintance very distressed. He had trusted Jacob, he had been nothing but gracious to him, and what did he get in return? He got stabbed in the back. So, he contacted me. You see, I am a man of many hats, but my primary occupation is that for a reasonable fee, I will track down those who have stabbed my clients in the back and... well... stab them back,” he chuckles. “If at all possible, I get the payment my clients are due, and if not, I send a message that will not be easily forgotten.” He pauses, again simply staring at Marcus.

“I don’t understand,” Marcus finally says. “What does this have to do with me?”

The corners of the man’s lips quirk. “Absolutely nothing. I tracked down your friend easily, he is not really very skilled in the art of evasion. I’m surprised my acquaintance couldn’t find him on his own, but that’s neither here nor there. I haven’t followed through with my task quite yet because as I began to observe Jacob, I encountered something unexpected that I wanted to be able to take my time with. You.” A sickening chill settles in Marcus’s stomach as the man speaks. “Something you should know about me is that I tend to focus too much on my work. I told you I have many different hats, and that tends to mean that I am always working on something, pouring my all into it, and absolutely draining myself. I enjoy my work, but it does take a toll. There is one thing that I do that is totally for myself. A sort of hobby. A release, if you will. That is my projects. I don’t recall when I first realized my fascination with pushing creatures to their physical and emotional limits, nor my knack for it. It absolutely thrills me. There is always something new to be learned from each person and creature I study, because each one is so different. You are different, Marcus. You mystify me. On the outside, forgive me, you look very unassuming. Very sweet. You’re weaker than most young men your age, and you know it. Physically, it shouldn’t be too difficult for me to break you. But inside you have this drive—this passion to fight for a better life for yourself, not according to other people’s standards, but your own. It’s why you dropped out of school last year. Not because you were too lazy or too stupid. You were doing very well. It was because you decided that it wasn’t what you wanted. It wasn’t what would make your life the best that you thought it could be.”

Marcus is openly shocked. His eyes are wide, shining with an excess of moisture. His lips are slightly parted. This man is absolutely horrifying. And he knows absolutely everything about Marcus.

“I’ve been observing you for quite some time, Marcus. I’ve seen how you interact with the world around you. You never seem to be truly phased by any stumbling blocks in your path. What you lack in physical strength, you make up for in strength of spirit. Others come to you for support and guidance, and you readily give it, never seeming to waiver.” He crouches down in front of Marcus and reaches out to him again, taking the boy’s face between his hands almost tenderly. This time, Marcus is too shocked to move away. When the man speaks again, it is almost a whisper. “It’s important that you know that there is absolutely nothing that can stop what is about to happen to you. I’m going to see just how long it takes for you to be totally destroyed, to become totally malleable in my hands. And I really think I’m going to enjoy it.”

[itsjusta]

March 14, 2021

(dis so long i’m sowiiii)

I slept at 12 gabii doeee and it was an okay sleep lang. issa ion like it doe issa morning palang i’m overthinking na about thingsss and i hate it gyd doe when i have no control saako thoughts because i feel so weak doeee and pathetic also :(( i’m like an idiot who keeps on worrying about things na dapat di na gani nako gina think :((( i try so hard doe to block my thoughts but its hard for me gyd doe i’m so weak gyd at controlling my thoughts and it just bothers me doe like di ko mahimutang and my heart feels heavy and it makes me sad and cry :((( huhu issa times like these i question all my decisions doe and i wish i just have no feelings na doeee cos life is unfair gyd doe hahah

this weekend issa not a good one for me doe i just hope the next days will be better because ion like to be so overwhelmed with my overthinking and my worries doeee ion wanna cry doeee 😔 aish i feel so sad for myself why am i like dis uy

i distract myself by watching anime doe but when i stop watching pd issa mubalik napd doe and its making me cry hahah issa i felt better sa hapon doeee but i saw u had a story and i had a gut feeling naman nga kamo gyd nag uban sa overnight doeee so i just viewed it and i was righttt hahah u know, my hands were shaking doeee hahah and i just broke down afteeerrr

just let me rant here pleaseee 🥺 im too shy to talk to u about dis in chat and im shy to talk to others about dis doeee im just holding it all in and dis can help me let it out doeee dont react na pleaseee :( issa times like these i question my decision to stay in ur life doeee times like these ga question gyd ko ngano i choose to not let u go :( becos i see that you’re so happy and inlove doeee hahha im happy to see you so inlove doeee you’re so effort to ur gf now and im happy cos i think you love her just as much as you loved me sauna or even more doeee but at the same time it hurts man gyd doeee it hurts so much :((( everytime i see u inlove it makes me happy and sad gyd doeee but puhon2 seeing you will just make me happy doeee i will also get there! when i see u so happy and inlove it just breaks my heart cos i know i wont ever have a chance with u again doeee 🥺 i envy u so much doeee becos u really are building a great life after our break up pero i cant even move on paaa hahah but aishhh dis not a race doe i know i will also be happy soon. but i also know not getting to talk to you will also hurt me so at times like these, ga ask gyd kog strength nga makaya nako doe. i ask the Lord and myself for strength to endure pa moments like these becos getting to talk to u and seeing u sometimes makes all of the pain worth it doeee and having someone to talk u makes me feel better doe 🥺

i also ask for strength for the next months doe becos i promise i will let go of you na gyd dayon doe. when we begin 4th year (i hope f2f na doe), i promise i’ll let go of you na doe. but please be patient with me if dili tka ma let go diretsooo doeee 🥺🥺 i know it’s gonna hurt so much for the first weeks or months but i’m setting myself free na doe. i’m also setting you free na becos i feel like i’m just affecting you and your relationship. I want you to just give your all to one girl doeee but can i stay sa now just for a few months?? 🥺 and when 4th year comes, i’ll be out of your life na okay? not totally man u still my bff and i’m gonna go to u whenever i need something or if i need a friend hahha and u can still chat me when u need anything doeee and when u need help sa acads huuuh!! when that time comes i’m gonna endure everything doeee im gonna endure all the temptations to talk to u always and i will try my best to not paramdam to u doeee 🥺 sometimes nalang!! hehe bleh u cant get rid of me completely!! i want to still kamusta u and chika2 with u from time to time doeee if das okay 🥺 kabalo jd ko lisod au doeee but i know it will become bearable ra kadugayan. and i always tell u this but pls pls pls take care of urself always and be happy even i’m not in ur life naaa (i’m still here but u know what i mean) issa im also moving on for your happiness doeee so i hope that when i let u go, u will become happier okayyy u don’t have a samok na in ur life hahah u will be free na doee 🥺

but just let me be here for a few more months okaaaay 😔 i’ll let u go na dayon. u sulit da moments that i’m still here huh bleh in 4th year i will move on na and im going away na after college u wont see me na gyd hahah u know that if dili lang gyd lisod and sakit, i will be in ur life forever doeee but we both know its just hard doeee das why i’m just giving myself a few more months of kasakit hahah i’ll still be here man gyd always uyyy but its gonna be different na gyd hahha but aish u still take a grad pic with me and lets travel soon doeee and u go to my despidida okayy and visit me abroad!! let’s still do the plans we have okay!!!! 😡

i realized drama au ko nya what if makig cut off na diay ka even before 4th year pa 💀💀 hahahhaha and i hope i will fulfill dis promise doeee but i think its gonna happen gyd cos so lisod na to commu pag face to face na doe cos u will always be wid ur gf hahaha if not pata f2f naaah mag luya nalang ko doe walay kastorya kada adlaw HAHAHAH

i hope nothing will change after u read dis doeee huhu im kulbaan to post dis cos ion want things to change nooow 🥺 i wrote the paragraphs above when i was still emotional doe now that i’ve calmed down i have less courage to do my promise to let u go 🤣 omg but i’ll do that doeee!!! i’ll stay strong when that time comes and u also okaaay i know you’re strong u will be fine without me and i think if wala nako you will feel better doeee hehe u have a lot of people with u but u know that i’ll always be ur bff!!! ❤️

also dont worry about me doe i cried everything out kanina na and i drank my meds cos nag labad ako head doeee hehe i feel lighter now but i hope i wont cry again later when i sleep or tomorrow 🤦🏻‍♀️ i hope the next days are going to be better doeee heheh

i’m happy for you, okaaay?? and i’m super superrr proud of youuu for chasing your dreams and for having new friends and for being with the people u love 🥺 right now i cant say im happy gyd doe and i know u want me to be happy but its so hard now doeee that’s why im excited for the future!!! so please just continue to be happy doeee i know letting go of you will be the hardest thing for me to do and it may take me a long time but i will do my best doe 🥺 but bleh im still gonna samok2 u erday for the next months!!!! u not gonna get rid of me pa now!!

[heartjwi]

in the end ☞ nct dream

GENRE | angst 

THEME | zombie apocalypse!au

SUMMARY | a war zone between the living and the dead, will you make it out alive?

WORD COUNT | 6.6K

A/N | halloween special! mark stans pls dont kill me also lmk if you enjoyed cs i certainly did!

it was just a regular day for everybody. adults off to work and students going to school. strangely enough, you didn’t find the courage to go to school today. “you going to school sis?” mark opens your door to see you all sprawled out in your bed in pajamas. “i’m not” you waved him off. “okay then. see you later” with that, he closes the door. you opened your phone to check the daily news but your timeline was awfully quiet today. no headlines or whatever. shrugging, you open youtube and watch random videos to pass the time.

after what it feels like an hour, you heard the front door slam shut making the house shake a bit. “mark?” you called out from your bed. you hear more ruckus downstairs and footsteps getting louder and louder. you slowly stood up from your bed and walked towards your door. “mark this isn’t funny!” you yell out. the door suddenly bursts open to reveal your mother with blood all over her body. you screamed as she started to strangle you.

“MOM WHAT THE FUCK” you pry her hands off your neck. your mother groans, drool dripping down her mouth. her skin was pale, her veins were popping out and she smelled like a rotting corpse. 

suddenly, you hear a thud and the next thing you knew her body went flying on the other side of your room. you whipped your head towards where the sound came from and there you see mark with a baseball bat with blood all over it. “stay away!” mark yells as he makes his way towards your mom. “wait mark, what are you doing” you screamed in terror as you watch him grip the bat so tightly that his knuckles turned white. 

“don’t kill mom!” you cried, covering your ears. mark turns around and faces you with tears welling up in his eyes, “this isn’t mom”  he swings the bat and hits your mother’s face repeatedly. 

the room turned quiet, the sound of your breathing could be heard. you stared at your mother’s now dead body and the bat mark used to kill her with. mark paces around your room and grabs your backpack nearby. he shoves a handful of your clothes in the bag and tosses it to you. “pack more stuff, we’re getting out of here” was all he said before he walks out of your room. you wiped the tears falling down on your cheeks harshly and followed mark’s order, packing more necessary things to head out with

you walked out of your room to see mark waiting for you downstairs. “we have to get going, y/n” he holds his hand out, waiting for you to accept it. you pushed past him and looked outside. “can you atleast tell me what the fuck is going on?!” you barked as you see people outside running for their lives. there was chaos and destruction everywhere. cars were on fire and so were houses. everything was a mess. 

“there’s no time to explain, we have to get going or we’re gonna be like them-” as on cue, a zombie breaks inside your home. you screamed and ran behind mark. “go go go!” mark yells at you, grabbing your arm and dragging you out of the house. 

the moment you stepped outside, it became a warzone between the living and the dead. 

the smell of rotting flesh lingered in your nose. “you can run right?” mark asks as you two were standing out open in the middle of an open street. “why?” you reply cautiously.

“well, get ready to run” 

—

after what seems like hours of running and running and running, you two finally take a break in the middle of the forest. “you think we lost them?” mark pants, hands on his knees. “definitely” you reply, out of breath. 

you sat by a tree stump, staring at mark. “i’m scared” your lips quivered. mark’s eyes widened and immediately sat next to you. “don’t be. big brother is here okay? remember that” mark hugs you tightly. “i’m gonna check if there’s any rivers nearby. stay here” mark pats your head and stands up. “oh yeah, before i go, i’m leaving this with you” he hands you a small swiss army knife. “stay safe mark” you mumbled as you watch mark disappear into the woods. 

you looked around at your surroundings, every noise making you jump. you fiddled with your fingers as you waited for mark to come back. a little later you hear rustling from the bushes. you stood up and whipped out your knife, pointing towards the bush. “mark?” you called. the rustling gets louder and louder as you approached it. suddenly, you felt someone put you in a choke hold. 

“MARK HELP ME” you screamed loud as you can and trashed around the person’s hold. “shut the fuck up or i’ll cut your neck” a soft, shaky voice whispers in your ear. your breath hitched as you felt the cold blade on your neck. “chenle, jisung, check the bags” the stranger holding you instructs the two people behind him. you watched as the pale looking boy unzips your bag and carefully taking out the contents inside. “there’s nothing in here renjun hyung!” he quips, running back behind renjun who was holding you. “there’s 3 kitchen knives in this one” the other boy adds. “fuck, we don’t have food” renjun hissed, loosening his hold.

with all your strength, you kicked his shin making him fall. “fuck!” renjun curses, holding his leg. just in time mark comes running in. “what happened- who the fuck are you” mark grips his bat tighter again. “they’re stealing our stuff!” you pointed a finger at the 3 boys in front of you. chenle and jisung moves forward, shielding renjun from mark. 

“we’re not! we’re just scouting for food!” chenle blurts out, holding his hands out. renjun facepalms behind them. “chenle’s right! we’re the scavengers in our base” jisung squeaks, “we didn’t mean to cause you any harm” chenle pouts. “we’re not sure about renjun hyung but we were just following orders” jisung continued, looking at chenle with fright. 

“orders from who?” mark barks at the two boys in front of him, pulling you to his side. chenle and jisung looked at each other uneasy. chenle gulps and opens his mouth to say something but renjun cuts him off. “why should we tell you anyway” he stands up and goes in front to face mark. 

mark scoffs, eyeing renjun, chenle and jisung. “we could help you. i know my way around town since you and your boys are looking a bit hungry” mark points out. as if on cue, jisung’s stomach grumbles making the boy blush into a bright red. “s-sorry..” he hides behind chenle.

you stared at renjun who looks busy thinking about mark’s offer. “yeah no” renjun turns around, “c’mon, it’s useless let’s just tell jeno we didn’t find anything” he tells the two boys, walking away from you and mark. 

“wait, jeno? as in lee jeno?” mark intervenes. renjun faces mark and raises an eyebrow, “you know him?” mark nods, “we were in the same basketball team” he explains. renjun stares at him unsure whether or not to trust him. 

“come with us then! jeno hyung wouldn’t mind having more company” chenle chirps. renjun steps closer to chenle and flicks his forehead. “ouch!” chenle holds his forehead in pain. “what did we tell you about inviting random strangers to the group?!” renjun scolds the poor boy. “well he’s not a stranger to jeno hyung now is he?” chenle winces. you looked over at jisung who’s struggling to keep his laughter at the two bickering boys.

just in time, jeno comes out of the woods carrying a machete. “what’s taking you guys so long it’s almost curfew” he nags, not noticing mark and your presence. “oh shit what happened?!” jeno immediately spots chenle who was on the ground holding his forehead. “wait- huh? what are you guys looking at- oh” jeno stands up, finally noticing you and mark. “mark hyung!” jeno walks up to mark and gives him a bro hug. 

“hey jeno” mark returns the hug. jeno turns to you and smiles, “and you are?” you didn’t dare to say anything. you just stared at him with an expressionless face. mark chuckles, “she’s y/n. my sister” mark walks up in between you and jeno and pats your head. 

jeno nods and clasps his hands together. “okay then so we shall welcome mark hyung and his sister to our group” chenle and jisung both cheer quietly while renjun on the other hand rolled his eyes and walked towards the bush jeno came from.

“are we gonna get going now or let some brain eating fucks eat our brains?” renjun calls out sarcastically. jeno sighs, “sorry about him. he’s normally like that to newcomers who join our group” mark smiles apologetically. “it’s fine” 

you two start walking and following jeno through the bushes. you haven’t uttered a word since then. “you okay?” mark wraps an arm around your shoulder. you nod and stayed silent the entire trip back to jeno’s base.

–

“what’s taking them so long?” jaemin looks out of the window, watching the sun set. haechan sat on one of the chairs and plopped his feet on the table. “i don’t know, but they should be heading back by now” he pops candy onto his mouth. jaemin continues to anxiously wait for his friends to come back any moment now. 

the sound of the front door entrance made jaemin sigh in relief. he jogs over to greet jeno but sees a pleasant surprise when he sees you and mark with them. haechan suddenly stands up and holds out his pistol, aiming at mark. “who the fuck are you?” he barks making you flinch and hide behind mark. 

jeno runs over to hyuck and smacks his gun away. “hey what was that for” hyuck pouts and picks up his pistol on the ground. “they’re our new members. so welcome them” jeno scolds him. hyuck rolls his eyes and bows politely, “hey i’m donghyuck. you can call me either hyuck or haechan and i’m in charge of the weapons and other shit in our base” haechan introduces himself. 

you stared at haechan for a brief moment before your eyes land on jaemin who was already staring back at you. you felt your face burn in embarrassment by just making eye contact with a random stranger. 

“okay so this is jaemin, he’s our cook and keeps everyone sane” jeno jokes, pointing over to jaemin at the corner. ‘so his name is jaemin’ you think to yourself. “and now you know everybody, jaemin will give you a brief tour around the base and he’ll show you where you two can stay” jeno informs you and mark. mark thanks him and walks over to jaemin.

“hi just like what jeno said, i’m jaemin” he introduces himself first, “follow me i’ll show you around” he shows a bright smile before walking further in their base.

–

“so this is the kitchen, if you need me just head over down here” he points over at a dimly lit room filled with pans and stoves. “now over on this hallway is the dining area. we all gather here at 7am, 12pm and 6pm to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and when jeno has an announcement and every friday we all share our reports about everything” he now points over to another room.

“how will we know if it’s time to eat? we don’t have watches” mark raises his hand. you smacked his arm, embarrassed yet again by his actions. jaemin turns around and laughs, “good question. chenle usually calls everyone down to eat” mark nods and giggles. 

“also you see this random door?” jaemin shows the two of you a room in the middle of the kitchen and dining room. “this is where we keep weapons and other shit like medical kits, medicine, you name it, it’s in here. so it’s no entry unless jeno or hyuck tells you to come in” jaemin explains. you nod your head, not really minding the room cause why the hell are you gonna come in anyway if it’s filled with weapons. 

“also if you go straight here, the bathrooms are on the other side” jaemin adds on, carrying on with his little tour.

“now over here are the bedrooms” jaemin leads the two of you into a big corridor with doors on each side. “this is my room” he points at the first door just as you enter the corridor. “now these are jeno’s, hyuck’s and renjun’s rooms” he individually points at the neighboring doors just beside his room. “and this is chenle and jisung’s room. they share a room because it seems like they can never be separated.. cute kids” he smiles fondly, staring at their door with a caution tape all over it. 

and lastly, jaemin finally shows the two of you two spare rooms. 

“so these 2 are not occupied so i guess you two can take it” jaemin turns around faces you and mark. “so that's it for the tour. if you ever get lost, just go to the kitchen, i’m there always, i’ll be going now” jaemin waves goodbye at the two of you, leaving you two alone.

“god, this place is huge” you finally speak. dropping your backpack to the ground. mark snaps his head towards your direction, “and she finally speaks!” he claps his hands together. “i thought something happened to you” he laughs. “yeah, that renjun dude almost slit my throat” you rolled your eyes at the memory. “not till i slit his throat first” mark huffs. 

“so which room are you gonna take?” mark looks at the two doors in front of him. “can i take this one?” you point at the left door. “sure, it’s better for you anyway. i don’t want any zombies crawling inside the window and eats you in your sleep” mark tried to make a joke but it only made you scared shitless. 

–

after settling your things in your new room, you head over to mark’s room where he was folding his clothes in. you knocked and invited yourself in. mark turns his head towards you, “need anything?” you shook your head no but mark spots the teddy bear you were holding. something he never saw again from you for how many years. yet he knows you only hold it when you’re scared. 

“are you scared?” mark asks softly. you slowly nod your head and sat next to him. “can i sleep here with you for now?” you ask in a small voice. mark doesn’t say anything and moves his things so he can make space for the two of you. 

you crawled onto his bed, taking the space near the wall where no one can grab you or anything. mark chuckles at the sight of you wrapped in blankets with your teddy poking out of the blanket. a sight he wished to see more when you started to grow up in front of him. “good night mark” you squeaked, making mark smile. “goodnight sis” mark kisses the top of your head as you head off to dreamland. 

–

you woke up to the sun peaking through the window. you see mark sleeping peacefully on the floor with his trust bat just beside him. ‘oh mark’ you smile at the thought of him letting you borrow his bed. you quietly tiptoed out of his room and out to the garden for some fresh air in your pajamas. 

you walked out to see nothing but trees and the smell of rotting flesh still evident in the air. you wandered around the open area and passed by a watch tower where renjun would sleep on the job. you walked closer to one of the fences and spot a zombie walking around. the zombie caught on your scent and staggered towards the fence. you let out a small scream catching the attention of jaemin who was nearby picking out some herbs. 

“hey!” he yells, running towards you who stood frozen watching the zombie attempt its way on getting closer. jaemin pushes you behind him and stabs the zombie on the head. “this place?” he motions the fence area, “is off limits!” he scolds you as he grabs your hand and drags you inside. 

–

“has anyone seen my sister?” mark walks inside the dining area where everyone was waiting for jaemin to come out with the food. jeno was reading an old book, haechan and renjun were conversing and chenle and jisung were playing with each other. 

“i haven’t” jeno states, sipping on his water.

just in time, jaemin walks in the room with you trailing behind him like a lost puppy. “where’s the food?” chenle asks. “what are you doing with y/n?” jeno and mark both ask at the same time. jaemin tsks, looking at you with a disapproving look. “she was at the off limits area just now” jaemin reports to jeno.

everyone's eyes snap towards you, including mark’s. “she did what?!” you hear renjun’s voice boom. “girly are you trying to get us killed” hyuck’s voice followed with choruses of chenle and jisung’s “you shouldn’t go there next time” 

you kept your head low and avoided everyone’s stares. jeno stands up and tells everyone to shut up. “guys!” he bangs his hand against the metal table, making everyone in the room stop talking. “she didn’t know and she’s still a newbie so give her a damn break” jeno starts, “also thank you to jaemin for looking out for her and why isn’t anyone on watchtower duty?!” jeno looks at everyone in the room. “what day is it today?” he grumbles, looking at his beat up watch checking the date. “it’s a tuesday.. renjun why aren’t you on the tower?” renjun stands up and runs to the tower before jeno could look at him making hyuck burst out laughing. 

mark sat next to you and strokes your hair, “are you okay?” he looks at you. “no” you reply. mark sighs, “i hate it here” you whisper to him. mark stares at you, “it’s all we have as a shelter y/n so be grateful” he scolds you quietly. “whatever” you stood up abruptly from the table and stomped your way to your room. 

“sorry about that, she was kinda shaken up with the situation, we should let her cool down for a bit” mark apologizes to everyone in the room for your behavior. jeno smiles, “it’s okay hyung. it happens to the best of us. you might wanna give her breakfast though” jeno reminds him. 

“i’ll give it to her” jaemin butts in the conversation. jeno raises a brow which jaemin blatantly ignored. “i should apologize for the tone i used on her.” jaemin carries a tray filled with breakfast and makes his way towards your room leaving mark, jeno, hyuck, chenle and jisung dumbfounded in the dining room. 

–

there you lay on your bed holding a family photo and looking over at your mom and dad’s faces. “i miss you guys” you whisper, your fingers hovering their faces. “i hate it here, what even happened” you continued, memories rushing in your head. “i hope you guys can see what i’m doing right now and i hope you will guide me and mark through this hell hole” you wiped a stray tear that escaped your eye. “oh god now i’m crying” you wiped more tears away from your face.

you stopped your actions when you hear someone knocking on the door. “come in” you yell out. the door opened slowly to reveal jaemin. you scoffed and turned your face away from him. “here’s your breakfast-” you cut him off by saying you weren’t hungry. jaemin sighs and looks down, “i’m sorry for what i did, i didn’t mean it like that but the place was really off limits” he apologizes. “i’ll leave your breakfast here and i hope you eat” and with that, he quietly closes the door. leaving you and your thoughts.

“here comes better days” you sigh, standing up to eat the breakfast jaemin made.

— 6 months later —

the apocalypse only got worse as time is running. the zombies were evolving on a rapid pace. there was no sign of possible cures as of now. in the vast 6 months, you have grown close to your new family which now included renjun, jeno, haechan, jaemin, chenle and jisung. it took a while for them to grow fond of you and your dramatic ass but in the end, everyone was good with each other. 

thanks to your persistence and bravery, jeno promoted you as a scavenger instead of a cook which jaemin to be the only cook yet again. mark became jeno’s right hand, guiding jeno and everyone else in the group in safe hands.

“guys we’re low on stocks” jaemin comes running in the dining room from the kitchen. “already? didn’t we have supplies that could last us for a month or so?” hyuck questions. “we celebrated during that time we were able to fend off a wave of zombies” renjun reminds everyone. you stifled in your laughter as you remember the time hyuck was the one who suggested everyone should celebrate.

“what’s so funny there y/n?” hyuck eyes you. “what’s funny is you were the one who suggested we celebrate” you laughed, making everyone double over laughing at the memory. hyuck’s face turned into a bright shade of red and whines that it wasn’t his fault.

“okay so y/n, haechan, mark, and jisung gather your weapons” jeno reminds the group. jeno then opens the window to call chenle from the watchtower. “chenle what’s the news up there” jeno shouts from the dining room. jeno smiles as he sees chenle rushing down the tower carefully and sprints towards the window.

“kinda cloudy today hyung but sun is still evident so it’s all clear” chenle reports, still looking bright as ever as the first time jeno saw him. he wonders how some kid stayed positive over a situation like this. 

“you hear that folks? it’s time to scavenge!” you cheered. everyone grabs an empty backpack and grabs their own weapon. refilling their bullets and packing some medical kits. you skipped over to jaemin and gave him a hug.

“keep safe for me, angel” he kisses the top of your head making you blush. haechan and the others watching made fake gagging sounds making jaemin give them a death glare. “okay love birds, we’re gonna take our y/n now” mark grabs your shoulders and drags you away from jaemin. “see you later jaems!” you give him a flying kiss before getting dragged out of the door.

—

mark was surprisingly okay with your relationship with jaemin as long as you don’t do anything out of the ordinary. he even gave you the long talk about the birds and the bees that one time he walked in on you and jaemin kissing. 

you walked beside jisung and linked your arms together. jisung looks down and awkwardly pats your head. “gosh noona why are you so short” he complains, resting his elbow on your head. something he does to piss you off. 

“gosh jisung why are you so tall, i can’t even see you anymore” you mocked him. “hey!” he then chases you. “mark save me” you ran around mark in circles. suddenly jeno motions everyone to be quiet as he hears rustling in the woods. you and jisung stopped in your tracks and grabbed your weapons out of instinct. 

it turned eerie quiet real quick while everyone was looking around. the rustling became louder and louder in your direction. you stepped closer to the bushes and see a squirrel run out, making you release the air you’ve been keeping in. “false alarm” you tell the group. they all sigh in relief and continued their way to the city, avoiding anything suspicious and creepy in their way.

–

your group finally reached an empty street. “guys there’s a convenience store over here” haechan points to his right. “there’s a pharmacy at the end of the street too” mark tells everyone. jeno nods and formulates a plan in his head. 

“okay so the plan is, first we raid the convenience store and fill 2 backpacks worth of food, drinks and anything necessary. after that we go straight to the pharmacy and head back home” jeno carefully explains the plan. everyone nods in agreement and you 5 head towards the convenience store.

jeno was the first one to head inside, checking each aisle incase there were any zombies lying around. jeno comes back outside and tells everyone that the area is cleared. you directly go to the canned food aisle and stuffed your bag with the first thing you see. 

“i got the canned goods!” you yell out to no one in particular. “i got the drinks!” jisung yells back. haechan was on door duty at the time and notices that is has started to rain. “guys, i think we have to find some shelter after the pharmacy run..” haechan announces. jeno stops in his tracks, “why?” he walks over to the door where haechan was staying at. “fuck it’s raining” 

mark walks over to you and hands you a bunch of tampons and pads. “mark!” you smacked his chest making him laugh. “this is so embarrassing” you cried out, hiding the pads and tampons in your bag. “you told me you ran out!!” mark laughs out loud, “also here” he gives you his favorite, worn out hoodie. “wha-” he cuts you off, “you’re gonna get cold, it’s raining” he tells you. 

“you know what, let’s just wait till the rain will stop, then we’ll go to the pharmacy” jeno tells the group as they grab chips from the shelves and sat out front. 

you grabbed your favorite chips and sat beside mark and cuddled to his side. “you were right, i’m cold now” you giggled. mark giggles again, wrapping an arm around you. “big brother’s got you forever and always sis” 

–

the rain didn’t stop for a while so almost everyone is now passed out from waiting. you were napping on mark’s lap with his other jacket draped around you as a blanket. jeno and mark were conversing about the plan and other things to kill time. 

“so were you always this close with y/n?” jeno asks as he stares at you who’s passed out. mark chuckles, moving your hair away from your face. “not really, this apocalypse made us like this since we have no one but each other you know?” he smiles at jeno. jeno nods, “fair enough. you guys just have the sweetest brother and sister relationship i’ve ever seen” 

little by little, everyone started to wake up and the rain started to clear up. “i think it’s okay to head out now” jeno checks the atmosphere outside. “wake everyone up” he tells mark and haechan. haechan goes over to jisung and shakes him, “dude wake up” jisung sits up and grumbles while rubbing his tired eyes. 

“y/n wake up” mark softly shakes your shoulder. you flutter your eyes open and sat up too fast, hitting mark’s face in the process, “ouch!” mark yelps, holding his nose. “shit mark i’m sorry!” you held his face and took a look on his now bleeding nose. “yeah it’s fine, can you find me some ice please?” he holds his nose. 

you went to the freezer and got a bag of ice and pressed it against his nose. he winces a bit before adjusting to the coolness. “i’m sorry” you pout at mark. he waves you off saying it’s fine. 

after awhile mark’s nose finally stopped bleeding and everyone was ready to head out to the street again. little did you know, the new evolved zombies can smell blood despite being 3 miles away. 

–

you all entered the pharmacy with ease. there were no zombies to begin with anyway. you grabbed many first aid kits as you can fit inside your backpacks while the rest grabbed anything that could be useful for the team. 

there was a sudden bang near the front entrance. “did anyone hear that?” haechan asks, making sure he wasn’t hallucinating or anything. “hear what?” you answer and another bang was heard. 

“shit! the zombies found us” mark cursed as he took a peek outside the window and it was a dozen zombies ready to push the door down. “move! move! move!” jeno orders, running towards the back door. the front door falls down and now the zombies were swarming in. 

jeno opened the back door which was a storage room while mark was the last one to come in.. “shit we’re trapped” you cursed. looking everywhere for a possible escape route. “how did they even find us?!” hyuck paces around. mark looks down at his shirt that has stains of blood earlier from the nosebleed. 

“guys i think they found me” mark speaks up, pointing at his stained shit. “oh shit” jeno comments. you stared at mark with wide eyes, “this was my fault..” you muttered. “no it isn’t y/n” mark tries to make you feel better but you stopped him. “no, it’s my fault that we’re being chased and now we’re stuck in the storage room” you sigh, feeling sorry for being a burden to everyone. 

the door starts banging again, making you yelp. “mark take your shirt off!” hyuck orders him. “are you crazy?! do you want him to die out of hypothermia?!” you retaliate. “give him the jacket he gave you then!” hyuck snaps back at you. “guys it’s okay” mark starts to speak quietly. you snap your head towards him, “no it’s not fucking okay?! we’re going out of here together and that’s that” you react. 

mark suddenly shows a scratch mark on his back. you felt tears well up your eyes. “no..” you whisper, slowly falling down to the ground. jeno and everyone else stood in shock at the sight of mark’s wound. 

the loud bang of the door brought everyone back to reality. mark looks like he’s contemplating on whether sacrificing himself to the hoard or wait till he turns and have you kill him instead. but he chose to sacrifice himself so you and everyone else can escape. 

“y/n, i want you to listen to me very carefully” mark panicks as the bangs got stronger and his wound started to hurt. you stared at him with tears welling up your eyes. “always remember that i will always be with you, no matter what i’ll be guiding you wherever you go” he starts, wincing at his wound. you hold his face, tears were now streaming down your face. “mark you can’t do this to me” you cried.

mark’s heart was crushed at the sight but he can’t stand the feeling of knowing either today or tomorrow, you would have to suffer even worse cause you will be the one to trigger the gun pointed at his head. “you promised me.. you promised you will be here beside me. you promised you would protect me from everything. you promised” you broke down on the floor. everyone in the room tearing up at the sight of this heartbreaking scene. 

“big brother will always protect you” mark smiles, his hand on the doorknob. you pushed yourself off the ground and latched onto mark one last time. “i love you” you sobbed to his shirt, mark hugs you back tighter and kissed your forhead for the very last time. “i love you too, now promise me you will keep safe no matter what?” he holds you for a bit. you nod furiously, your tears running down your face. “you big crybaby, always crying” mark laughs. a laugh you will no longer hear. you let mark hug you for a moment, just to cease the last moment with each other. jeno, haechan and jisung were full on crying with you at this point.

mark turns to them for the last time, “you three. keep my sister safe at all times or i will haunt you in your sleep” he fake threatens them. jeno nods and gives him a bro hug. haechan cried a bit and throws his arms over mark. “i’ll miss you hyung” jisung quietly steps in and hugs mark briefly. 

you notice a tear left mark’s eye as he turns to you again. “i’ll see you later” he smiles one last time before turning the handle and sacrificing himself to the zombies. he closes the door as soon as steps out of the storage room. “MARK!” you sobbed as you tried to open the door again but jeno held you back.

you trashed around his hold, wanting to open the door to see mark standing there in triupmh for defeating the zombies and believe everything was just a sick joke. “mark” you wailed, growing tired of thrashing around. jeno was now hugging you and trying to distract you from the disgusting sounds outside the room but it was no use. 

jisung was looking around and found a window that they could use to escape. he tugs on haechan’s shirt and points at the window above them. ”hyung look” haechan’s face lit up. “yo jen we found a way to escape” haechan calls over to jeno. who was on the floor holding your crying body. 

“great! just let us out of here before the door breaks” jeno motions to the breaking hinges. hyuck pushed this shelf thing that’s sturdy enough to be stepped on and climbed to the top. he broke the window by using the end of his rifle to hit it. the glass breaks and he opens it from the outside. he climbs out and notices it’s dark out. 

“jisung give me your hand!” haechan calls over to jisung who held the shelf. he climbed to the top with ease and hyuck pulls him out of the storage room. “okay jeno give me y/n now” hyuck tells jeno below. 

“we’re leaving now” jeno whispers to you. “mark” you sobbed but complies anyway. you climbed to the top and hyuck pulls you out. he hands you over to jisung who opened his arms for you to hug. you quietly sobbed onto his drenched hoodie even more. jeno was reaching the window when the door broke and the horde of zombies rushed in again. jeno was able to pull himself out of the stock room just in time before a zombie grabbed his foot. 

“let’s go” jeno takes a mental headcount, his heart aching at the thought of a fallen member. 

“theres a small suburban area around this place, we should head there” hyuck informs jeno. jeno hums and followed hyuck who knew the place.

you four found a house to sleep in. it was a two story house with food and other important necessities inside. jeno went inside first to check the house if it was safe or not. he later came back saying it was cleared. jeno decided it would be good if the team separated into two. one group sleeps on the second floor and one on the first floor. you paired with haechan since he was the only other person who’s capable of holding a real gun unlike jisung. 

“hyuck, i’m scared… and i want mark here” you trembled as you scooted closer to his figure. haechan stares at the makeshift fire in front of him. “go to sleep, i’ll watch” he pats your head. you shook your head and haechan sighs, “i’ll protect you. i promise” you slowly complied and lie down next to him, pulling the blanket to your chin. “i want mark back” you wished, crying yourself to sleep.

-

you woke up to hyuck ever so slightly shaking your shoulders. you bolt up and looked around the room. “mark?” you called out, hoping it was just a bad dream. hyuck sighs, “come on, we’re heading home” he holds out his hand for you to get– which you did.

you two head downstairs to see jeno and jisung sitting on the couch waiting for the two of you. 

“let’s get going”

—

you safely arrived home at the base where jaemin, renjun and chenle were waiting anxiously. “you’re back!” jaemin engulfs you into a tight hug. “i’m so glad you’re safe” he kisses your hair as he inhaled your scent. 

“hey where’s mark?” renjun asked. everything turned quiet after that. you hugged jaemin tighter as tears welled up in your eyes again. “oh.. i’m sorry” renjun finally realizes the situation and stayed quiet as everyone begin to process what happened. 

–

after how many days later, mark’s funeral finally happened. it took you a while to accept the fact that he really was gone in this world. jaemin helped you along the process of moving on and made a promise to mark that he would protect you no matter what just like what mark did. 

it was a peaceful commemoration in memory of someone who was brave and selfless, someone like mark.

— 2 years later —

after mark’s death, it took a toll on everyone and inspired them to be brave and selfless. the old base was getting rusty and there were a few incidents where a zombie would break in. jeno took matters into his own hands and moved out of that place he once called home. he and the rest of the team evacuated and moved on to somewhere more safe and closer to the city. 

jeno found an abandoned rehabilitation center in the middle of a ghost town. you all renovated the place a bit and made it feel like home and little by little things were falling into place. you all had your individual rooms, even giving a room to mark. you placed all his things inside like old times sake.

did i mention you guys started a home for the survivors? they lived on the other side of the compound where they had their own facilities to do their own thing. while you and jaemin try and find a cure, you happen to find out you were immune to the virus. making everyone wonder if mark ever made it out alive. 

little by little, you guys have the found a cure to this hell. you had all the help you need and you have decided to dedicate all of it to mark. in your recent TV appearance, you announced that you will be launching your cure under the name “the Mark Foundation” 

–

“hey mark.. it’s me” you sat by his tombstone, “i did it mark.. i found the cure… i cured everyone” you tell him excitedly. the wind blew past you, you smiled knowing mark was there listening to you. “i named it after you mark.. all my work is dedicated to you” you wiped a stray tear. again, the wind blew past you. “i miss you.. we all miss you” you hug his tombstone. you placed a bouquet of flowers on the grass. “jaemin and I got married, did you know that?” you giggled, knowing mark knows from above. “of course you do, you even visited cause a butterfly came by.. that was you right?” you smiled at the memory. 

“my phone’s ringing, i have to get going now. i love you, mark. keep me safe always” you kissed his tombstone before leaving the cemetery. little did you know after you left, mark’s tombstone cracked.

FIN.

[nights-pdf]

a/n: this is my first time writing something and feeling good enough to post it. id appreciate any and all constructive criticism. ik im not the best writer and i want to get better so pls share and help me out. ty. i hope you enjoy.

warnings: depression & anxiety are both mentioned. i dont think i went too far into detail but pls be aware for your mental health. also kinda angsty.

roses: a.i.

Ashton and I have never been one for secrets, or at least I didn’t think we were, but things have been different. He has been ignoring me for almost three weeks now, only talking to me when I show up at his house, demanding to at least see him. To see that physically he’s okay. Mike and Luke will only talk to me if I don’t bring him up. As soon as I mention Ashton they suddenly ‘have to go’ and hurry to hang up. Cal will continue to talk to me but he totally ignores whatever questions I ask about him.

I was on Instagram and I saw Ashton on Luke’s story, the first time I’ve seen him in a week and a half. That’s how I ended up on Luke’s porch, working up the courage to ring the damn bell. He hasn’t left you with any options. He’s ignoring you, your other friends aren’t hanging out with you, he brought this on himself.

I press the doorbell, listening to the soft chime echoing in the house and I hear fast approaching footsteps. “Coming!” A voice calls out and within seconds the door is pulled open and I catch Sierra’s bright smile. 

“Dee, I- hi.” She says, her smile faulting and my heart breaks. I was hoping she wasn’t here. I was praying that she didn’t listen to me cry about my fear of losing Ashton and then play board games with him the next day. But she was. 

“This was stupid.” I mumble quickly, fighting off the tears that are threatening to spill and Sierra reaches out for my hand. 

“No, no, it’s not stupid.” She consoles and I shake my head, yanking my hand out of reach.

“I’ll leave you guys to yourselves. Just, um, just tell him that I’m sorry— for whatever I did.” I tell her with a tight smile. 

“Si! What are you doing, it’s your turn?!” Ashton shouts from deeper in the house. 

“Give me a minute!” She says quickly, stepping out onto the porch with me and closing the door. “I’m so sorry, I wish I could’ve explained it all to you, but it wasn’t my place. I tried literally parent trapping you and Ashton but he always canceled and I— it’s no excuse, but I’m sorry.” She says, her brown eyes softening and I shake my head. 

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault. I just—“ I take a deep breath, calming my anxiety while I make an arguably regrettable decision that’ll change my life in mere seconds. “I’m not gonna be in LA much longer and I thought it was insensitive to just drop that in the group chat or something.” I tell her and her eyes widen.

“What? You’re— you’re leaving?” She asks and I nod. “What about the boys? The band— I mean you’ve been a crew member forever.” She adds and I shake my head. 

“It’s hard working with a band that won’t talk to you, Si.” I tell her softly and the front door opens. Si and I both turn to see all four boys stuffed in the doorway. 

“Dee.” Luke says, clearing his throat and elbowing Calum, who’s beside him, in the stomach. 

“Hey, Dee.” Cal says and I smile softly. 

“Hey, I was— I was just leaving.” I tell them, turning around and someone catches my wrist. I turn to face Sierra and she drops my hand. 

“You tell them.” She says and I shake my head. 

“Tell us what?” Michael ask and she quirks an eyebrow. 

“I’m taking my friends offer to go on tour with her.” I tell them, turning to face the boys and my eyes catch Ashton’s. “She’s based in New York City, so I’m moving out there.” I add and Luke is the first to speak.

“You’re leaving? When?” He asks and I shrug. 

“Probably by the end of the month.” I tell him and Ashton shakes his head. 

“You’re just gonna leave? Forget the past what— six years?” He asks and I shake my head. 

“You have no right to be mad at me. You haven’t spoken to me in almost three weeks. I only know you’re okay because I see you in their stories. You want to walk away? Fine, but don’t be mad because I’m walking away too.” I tell him, brushing away the tears and he shakes his head. 

“You think I don’t miss you?” He asks softly and I shake my head. 

“Then why did you leave?! You said you’d never leave! You’d never do what they did to me! You said you’d never hurt me and I fucking believed you!” I let the tears stream down my face, not caring about anything anymore. 

“Please, I’m sorry.” He says, his eyes softening at the sight of my tears and he steps closer. 

“No,” I step back, “No, you lost that. You lost the right to be mad at me, or to console me, you all have. You could’ve been fucking honest and you all chose to lie to me and ignore me.” 

“Dee, come on, we’ve all made mistakes—” 

“You don’t accidentally lie to your friend for weeks. You accidentally spill milk, or touch a hot pan, you don’t— you chose to lie to me, you chose to push me away. That’s not a mistake.” I cut Cal off and I shake my head. 

“I’m gonna go. I’m sorry for ruining your game night.” I tell them, turning around and walking down the porch stairs, I walk over to my car, everything silent except for the heel of my boots hitting the cement. I reach my car, unlocking it and slipping it. My gaze travels to the porch, looking at the people I had grown to love like family and my eyes stop on Ashton. Luke’s arm is around his shoulder, clearly saying something to him and Ashton’s eyes meet mine. My heart breaks at his expression, the truth setting in that I had hurt him the same way he hurt me. 

The thought makes my stomach turn but I don’t have the strength to step out of my car. Instead I open spotify and start playing anything to fill the void. I pull out of the driveway, turning up the volume and trying to silence the deafening thoughts running through my mind. 

~

I’ve been packing for two weeks, and fielding calls from the boys and their management. Well all the boys except one. The one I really want to hear from. The one that would say “stay,” and I would drop everything for. 

Maybe it’s good that I’m leaving. I mean, falling in love with your best friend is a bad idea already and although I wasn’t sure of it before I am now. I loved Ashton, in the most inconvenient way possible, so maybe this space will be good for me.

Or at least that’s what I try to convince myself when I feel empty. When the anxiety and depression wins and I wake up in the middle of the night on the floor— typically the bathroom floor— with an empty stomach and pounding headache.

Then I remember Ashton always being there. Picking me up, taking care of me, loving me in the way I never thought I deserved and the thoughts send me spiraling and walking up on the floor again. 

I finish applying my lipstick, biting back the tears that I know will inevitably be shed by the end of the night, and step away from the mirror. I grab my clutch, checking for my phone, keys and wallet before strapping on my shoes and heading downstairs. 

Everyone had insisted that we had one last night out, a final goodbye and send off before I leave tomorrow morning and I had agreed. I walk out to my car and quickly start the ride to the restaurant. I focus on the music, never giving myself enough time to get lost in my thoughts and I get to the restaurant faster than expected. 

I step out of my car and spot Calum almost immediately. He’s turned around, preoccupied with something and I run up behind him, placing my hands over his eyes and he laughs softly. 

“You’re a child.” He mumbles, spinning around to face me and I drop my arms. 

“You love me.” I tell him with a smile and he opens his arms for a hug. I step into his embrace, squeezing him tightly and he does the same. 

“You look beautiful.” He says, stepping back and I smile softly. 

“Thank you.” I tuck my hair behind my ear, the curls already getting in my way and he smiles sadly. “You wanted to talk before dinner?” I prompt and he nods. 

“Yeah, I have a gift for you and a few things to say.” He says with a smile. “First, I wanted to apologize. I never should’ve lied to you and I shouldn’t have let Ashton. I was so blinded by the thought of protecting my brother that I didn’t think to protect my best friend.” He says and I shake my head.

“It’s okay, I get it, and I don’t blame any of you guys. I seriously don’t.”

“With that being said, I also wanted to congratulate you. I wish you didn’t have to leave but I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and doing what felt right to you, no matter what. You deserve the world, Dee, but you have to take it.” He says with a soft smile and I wipe at the single tear that’s escaped. 

“This is from us— all of us— to you. No matter what happens, what you do, we’ll always be cheering you on and we will always love you.” He says, pulling a velvet box out of his pocket and handing it to me. I carefully take it, giving him my clutch to hold and opening the box to see a delicate, silver necklace, a beautiful rose hanging off it and I smile warmly. It’s almost an exact replica of Ashton’s tattoo and I don’t know if they did it on purpose, but I want to believe they did. 

I can see Ashton pointing out the necklace with a smile, fully knowing how similar it is to his tattoo and the rest of the group agreeing, simply because of my love of roses. I brush away the invisible tears at the thought, choosing that no matter what the story actually is, that’s what it’ll mean to me.

“Cal,” I whisper softly, looking up to meet his eyes and he smiles despite the tears filling his eyes. 

“You like it?” He asks and I nod.

“I love it.” 

“Here, let me put it on you.” He suggests and I nod. We trade off once again and I spin around, pulling my hair up with one hand and he slips it around my neck. “Done.” He whispers when he clasps it and I let my hair fall. I spin back around with a bright smile and he nods. 

“Thank you.” I tell him, toying with the small rose and he nods.

“It was a group thing but everyone agreed that they’d cry like babies so it was decided that I’d give it to you.” He says with a smile and I giggle. “Ready to head in?” He asks, opening his hand for me to take and I nod slowly.

“I just— is he in there?” I ask him, unsure of what answer I’m hoping for and he slowly shakes his head. 

“Luke, Mike and I all tried to get him to come but he wouldn’t.” He says and I nod slowly. I place my hand in his, giving him a tight squeeze before nodding again, this time with more confidence. 

“Let’s go.” I tell him and he nods. We both walk into the restaurant, being led straight to our table after Calum gave the hostess his name. 

“Dee! You look so good!” Sierra says as soon as she sees me and I embrace her in a tight hug. 

“Thank you.” I whisper, holding her tight and she does the same. After we separate, I go around the table, hugging everyone and finally I sit down. There’s an empty seat at the end of the table— the seat that had been saved for Ashton— and the sight breaks my heart. Every time Michael or Crystal address me I have to fight my hardest to not look at the seat and break out into tears.

Despite the nagging reminder that Ashton isn’t there, dinner is amazing and after bidding my goodbyes, I step outside and feel a few drops of rain. I step back, underneath the overhang provided by the restaurant and Calum appears next to me. With almost impeccable timing a crack of thunder is heard and it starts pouring. 

“How many times is this gonna happen to us?” Calum asks, shrugging off his jacket and lifting it over our heads. 

“I’m starting to think this is just gonna be Our Thing™.” I joke and he laughs loudly. 

“Ready?” He asks and I shake my head. 

“Let me take off my heels.” I tell him and he nods. He offers his arm as stability and I start working my heels off.

“Good idea.” He mumbles. I eventually get both heels off and with my clutch and heels in hand and Calum’s jacket over us we run off into the rain. “Are you gonna get home safe?” Calum asks as we reach my car.

“I’ll be okay.” I tell him and he nods. 

“Text me.” He mumbles quickly as I open my door. He presses a quick kiss to my cheek before running off and I get into my car. I start the ride to my house, driving slower this time because of the rain and finally, in the peace of my own car, I let go and feel the tears falling. 

I couldn’t tell you if I’m crying because I’m leaving or Ashton not showing up. Or maybe it’s because the talk Calum and I had before dinner. Or the fact that I always run when things get difficult. I don’t know what it is, but once the tears start they don’t stop and when I stop in front of my house I don’t bother pulling into the driveway. Instead I keep driving, finding myself heading towards the hills and I calm down at the prospect of fixing everything. 

I just have to be honest. Honest about everything and maybe, even if things aren’t the same, they’ll be better. I just have to tell him the truth. I just have to tell him that I love him.

I run out of my car as soon as it’s in park, sprinting up the unnecessary long path to his front door and I ring the doorbell, feeling a surge of confidence, anxiety and impatience all at once. I fold my arms over my chest, trying my best to warm up but it’s nearly impossible when my dress and hair are absolutely soaked. I try the doorbell again, the confidence waning and anxiety and impatience doubling. 

“C’mon, Irwin. Please.” I mumble under my breath, reaching into my clutch to grab my phone and I quickly dial his number. Unshockingly it goes right to voicemail and I groan loudly. “Irwin, stop being a dick, it’s pouring and I’m freezing.” I mumble, stuffing my phone back in my clutch and ringing the doorbell again. And again, and again, until he finally pulls the door open. 

“I told you I’m not fuckin—” The words die on his tongue when his eyes land on mine. 

“Dee? What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be at dinner?” He asks, snapping out of his thoughts and I take in the details of his face. The bags under his eyes are more prominent then they’ve probably ever been and my heart breaks at the thought. His eyes look a bit darker, like they always did when he was upset and I shake my head, pulling myself out of those thoughts. 

“I, um, I needed to talk to you.” I tell him and he quirks an eyebrow.

“You didn’t get it all out before?” He bites and I shake my head.

“I’m here to apologize, okay? I’m sorry for whatever I did, I’m sorry for whatever made you hate me and if I could I would go back and fix it all but I can’t. All I can do is apologize and pray to whoever will listen that you won’t hate me for the rest of your life.

“I’m sorry if I pushed you too hard or asked for too much from you. I’m sorry that I was selfish because I was. I took and took and took from you because it was easy, because you made me feel loved and I never felt that before. I’m sorry if I loved too hard or I made things difficult. I’m sorry for every possible thing I did that would have pushed you away. 

“But I’m not sorry for loving you. I’m not sorry for giving you everything I could. I wish things could’ve ended differently but I’m not sorry for falling in love with you. I won’t ever apologize for that, Ashton, because I did, I loved you in the most unconventional way possible and I loved every second of it too.” I tell him, not caring about the tears that escaped and I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. 

“That’s all I had to say: I’m sorry, and I love you.” I tell him finally happy after weeks of feeling miserable. Happy because I spoke my truth and no matter what happens next, I know I tried and that’ll have to be enough. I spin on the heels of my feet, walking away from his door and almost halfway to my car I feel a tug on my hand. Ashton spins me around, his hands coming up to my cheeks and his lips are on mine. 

Once the shock wears off, my hands cup his cheeks, pulling him impossibly closer as I kiss him back. His tongue runs over my sealed lips and I don’t hesitate to let him in. My hands slip into his hair, tangling into the rain-soaked knots and he slowly pulls away. “Come inside,” He breathes into the air between us and I nod. 

“Okay.” I whisper and he smiles softly. 

“I love you too, darling. I always have.” He whispers and I press my lips to his once more.

[houseki-no-suffering]

so since your the almighty one everyone comes to to theorize things i'm here with somethin of curiosity. i've seen people before mention that if cinnabar went with phos or was least involved in all of this none of this whole disaster would've happen. your thoughts? and how right or wrong do ya think this assumption is? ljksfljksf just curious lol.

thanks for the trust, im just a nerd with a blog.

Talking if’s and but’s is fun for speculation’s sake but take whatever im about to say with a few grains of salt because these are just farfetched hypothesis. also sorry this came out super long, im very verbose when it comes to shinsha

I’ve touched on the subject of Shinsha going to the moon with Phos a few times (like here), but I think its important to determine when, exactly, Shinsha would come with Phos.

Are we speaking of a completely different timeline, one where Phos asked Shinsha to become their partner since the very beginning? If that’s the case, I cant really see Phos becoming interested in finding the truth about Sensei or the lunarians and the two would keep on being good friends until one of them was abducted or someone else decided to embark on a journey to unveil the truth.

Are we speaking of a timeline where Shinsha accepts to go to the moon in chapter 52? That’s a tricky one because Cinnabar had pretty strong reasons to refuse to go. Maybe im just very paranoid about characterization, even if this is not fanfic, but it would be very out of character of them to come with Phos and put aside their pride for the umpteenth time, after Phos used them and brushed them off over and over during the years.

I think that the reason why people say that if Cinnabar went with Phos this whole disaster (the rift btw moon and earth gems, the night raid and Phos becoming a war criminal) wouldn’t have happened is because Cinnabar has always been good at channeling Phos’ chaos. 

What Cinnabar brought to Phos’ personality was direction, caution and insight. It is not by chance that, the second Phos could no longer rely on Shinsha for counsel, things rapidly escalated toward madness.

The last of Phos and Cinnabar’s conversations happens in chapter 61, way too late to mend things: Phos should have talked with cinnabar sooner, but under Lapis’ influence and crescent grief they were growing colder and more impatient and they never understood Cinnabar enough to know that Shinsha was truly interested in helping them. Phos hurt Cinnabar for the last time in chapter 52, proving Cinnabar once more that they were not the right person to help Cinnabar and that Shinsha’s trust had been misplaced. Their last conversation, in chapter 61, can be nothing else than a disaster.

I’ve written a whole meta on how Shinsha was about to shake Phos’ outstretched hand. If Phos didn’t take back their offer, Shinsha would have come with them to the moon. 

To mend things and have Shinsha come with Phos, then, we’d have to change an important line of dialogue like the one where phos takes back their offer (“can we go together?… or so I’d like to say”) and/or when phos pretends not to hear shinsha when cinnabar asks them to please not go. 

we gotta make it so that either shinsha swallows their pride and explains things to phos, or phos doesnt pretend they didnt hear them.

Now, I’ll give myself and other Shinsha stans out there a moment to contemplate the fact that we were robbed of Shinsha in lunarian clothes, as well as the fact that we were robbed of the amazing and heartfelt dialogue that would have followed phos hearing cinnabar’s plea and listening to them. This manga is so cruel, truly. 

With Shinsha on Phos’ side, im gonna explore two possible scenarios among dozens that might have happened:

Canon divergence 1:

Shinsha and Phos go to the moon alone following that alternative dialogue in chapter 52. This means that the first time phos goes to the moon, cinnabar is with them.

for this plan to work, phos probably doesnt need cairn’s complicity. i imagined cinnabar and phos could be abducted in a scene reminiscing of chapter 2, when they first meet and cinnabar saves phos.  

on the moon, phos is not alone to face the truth of the dusted gems, they’re not alone to listen to aechmea’s explanations and lies and they’re not alone bargaining with aechmea. cinnabar is shrewd and attentive, patient, smart, and they always advised phos well. add to this the fact that, since they agreed on coming to the moon together, these two dumbasses finally made a few steps toward proper communication.

as the power team ive always known they can be, shinsha and phos balance each other pretty well. i can see shinsha convincing phos to stay on the moon longer to learn more about the truth (phos only stayed 2 months the first time). Assuming that Shinsha doesn’t accept (pls don’t accept) to have someone suppress their poison (assuming its something the lunarians can do), their mercury is a pretty strong weapon and it could give them some bargaining power over the moon people. 

also im not sure how the pearl eye thing would work: to control them effectively, aechmea would need to implant a spy on both shinsha and phos, but would he be afraid of their mercury? after all it’s something even lunarians have “a hard time” healing padpa from after the night raid. so let’s give divergence!Shinsha self-confidence points for finding out their mercury is cool and good.   

now things start to become really different from canon. shinsha is considered reliable by the earth gems, so with two gems rather than only phos to advocate for the moon people’s cause, the earth gems might be more prone to believe them and phos might not need to pull off their rebellion thing.

which means no rift between moon and earth gems, which means no cairnmea arc, no night raid, no nearly-dead padpa and no to at least a dozen new emotional traumas for our phos.

i wish i could be more precise than this, but at this point the story could develop in so many directions that i’d leave it to your own imagination. my biggest point of concern is phos becoming human. if they dont acquire the pearl eye they wont be human enough to activate sensei and that would be a huge problem.

Canon divergence 2:

Shinsha follows Phos to the moon the second time Phos goes(chapter 62). this makes less sense character-wise, but I’m gonna explore this option anyway because it allows me to include other gems as well.

Cinnabar’s judgment is trusted, they’re smart. If Shinsha decided to come, other gems might follow their example, like Rutile. Rutile wanted to go and they’re friends with Cinnabar. They might gloss over their attempt to ask for Sensei’s permission if Shinsha guarantees for Phos’ plan. However, if Rutile comes, Padparadscha will stay on earth (as Rutile says in chapter 62). Even if Padpa came to the moon, they would be under Rutile’s influence and/or they’d have to take Rutile’s feelings into account. It’s possible that they would have less room to operate freely.

If Padpa and Rutile come, a lot of other gems could follow. To the point it would be hard to keep the escape a secret. The rift between moon and earth gems could run deeper than in Canon: worst case scenario there could be a fight between the two groups, best case scenario the two groups talk it out and some gems decide to trust Phos while others stay on earth. Cairn is a wild card whose behavior im not entirely sure about. Its possible that they would simply not follow Phos if Phos already had a partner with them (Shinsha) and we’d be spared the whole cairnmea arc and if that’s not something worth celebrating I don’t know what is.

Once again, if Shinsha is with Phos, they’ll push Phos to think before they act. They could help Phos strengthen their position as leader and use their mercury to give the gems some bargaining power over the moon people. I can see Shinsha acting a little like Amethyst 84: interested in the moon, maybe more wary, cold, objective…

The night raid would not necessarily be the failure it was. Shinsha would be on Phos’ side and spare Phos the emotional trauma they woke up to in chapter 72, when they realized that Cinnabar, the one person they thought a friend, attacked them. With Phos and Padpa’s strength, numbers and Shinsha’s mercury on their side, the moon gems would win. Earth and moon gems could finally talk and solve the problem.

The question is whether Phos was human enough during the night raid. If they asked Sensei to pray, would he activate already? Otherwise, everyone’s efforts would be in vain and the earth gems could assume the others lied or maybe aechmea could decide to turn everyone to dust and implement yet another plan.

soooo to sum this up: yeah, i do think that if cinnabar came with phos a lot of drama could have been avoided. maybe not all of it, maybe new drama would have ensued, but that’s life. still, it would have been very out of character both for phos and for cinnabar to go together to the moon. and ichikawa would never give up the cairnmea arc.

[baelllamyblake]

We’re In Space Now. ( Bellamy Blake x Reader )

Request : they are back in space (some time now) and she wants to make him feel a little better after losing Clarke but he's still mourning so Reader is really upset and screams at him that she is there, alive but lost and scared, she almost died when they got to the Ring and she left her father(Kane) behind without saying goodbye and needs her friend but he doesn't care and she misses him everyday and she loves him(more than friend) and it breakes her heart. She runs away and hides from him knowing that she won't be able to avoid him for too long but she's desperate so she's doing everything to not see him for days. She is not only mad at him but also ashamed that after years of friendship and secret love she finally she confessed her feelings. And Bellamy is worried as she starts to avoid everyone. So he forces her to conversation. Angsty but with happy ending? Thanks!

Word Count : 2,253

Warnings : Curse words & angst !

A/N : hey yall i know i promised this yesterday but ya girl vaped too much & got really sleepy so im posting it now but i really like this so dont let it fucking flop please love you guys !!!!!!! keep requesting i really appreciate it !!

FEEDBACK IS GREATLY APPRECIATED SO PLS FCK ME UP WITH IT<3

“ This is going to be a long six years, Murph. “ You huffed out defeated, eyes peering down on the Earth simmering in fiery radiation. Everything you fought so hard for was crumbling apart into a silvery grey pile of ash. Murphy replied with a small hum as a instant sigh of boredom followed suit. “ I wonder how Bell’s doin’. “

“ Not so good, probably. He won’t stop beating himself up for leaving Clarke behind. “ Murphy spoke in almost a whisper, you were a slight edgy whenever Clarke was the subject of the conversation. The only way to describe the relationship between you and Clarke was that you both were different sides of the same coin.

You rushed into events with little to no thought, using just your raw intuition and desperate hope that it will turn out okay without ever giving a moment to think of the consequences. Clarke took a more logical approach to circumstances with good intention and the standards of her people stuck in mind. Yet, in the end, you both were just trying to survive in an environment where society was reduced to relying on nothing but your primal instincts and pure strength.

Your opposing personalities produced opposing views which resulted in constant disagreements on how to settle state of affairs. It was difficult to reach a compromise with her but you always managed to do so even if you had to swallow your dense pride and submit into Clarke’s wise decisions. Your ‘ partnership ‘ became truly solid when she told you to take care of everyone once you arrived to Go Sci Ring.

Personally, amongst the drama and chaos on Earth, Murphy thought that Bellamy didn’t deserve your undying loyalty and loving compassion during the times he began to set you on the back burner in order to rescue Clarke from the conflicts she wormed herself into. After all, Murphy was your confidant and you told him absolutey everything including how deep your feelings for Bellamy went. Maybe they went a little too deep.

Unbeknownst to you, his feelings for you went just as deep. You both exchanged brief glances or small nods whenever you worked with Clarke. It was only when he saved you from Mount Weather and the terrifying nightmares that followed after. Bellamy heard you shrieking in your sleep and rushed to your side, jolting you awake with a single shake. Tears were falling profusely from your eyes and all you did was wordlessly embrace him in a tight hug. Bellamy practically melted in your touch, his back muscles never felt so relaxed ever since you both landed on this shithole of a planet.

“ He doesn’t deserve you, Y/N. “

“ I think so too, Murph. “

“ I left her behind. “ Bell repeated for what felt like the thousandth time, his eyes were glued to the view out of the Ark. It had been two years since you left the ground, Bellamy had etched a notch into the steel wall for each day that passed. You stared at his remorseful features, unsure of what to say to comfort him yet anger bubbled in the pit of your stomach.

You just wanted to scream at Bellamy for being so oblivious. When was he going to realize that Clarke is dead? When is he going to realize that we will all have to move on eventually? When was Bellamy going to realize that you were so in fucking love with him?

“ I know but it’ll be okay. I’m with you, Bell. “ was all that came out of your mouth. It was like someone else took control of your motor skills and you were trapped within the confinments of your brain, watching on in painful heartache. He replied with a small nod and pursed lips, an obvious sign that your words went through one ear and out the other. You sighed out and silent stalked through the doorway, it was useless to try and lighten Bellamy’s mood.

Clarke played such a vital role in his time on Earth. How could you compete with someone like her?

He didn’t even notice you silently left until his body tensed up extremely and boisterous laughter could be heard echoing down the metal halls. Bellamy followed the sounds, it got ever louder with each step he took closer to the common room. Bellamy stopped in the doorway, you managed to make everyone laugh in these terrible times. It died down as soon as everyone acknowledge the presence of Bellamy, even your beautiful smile faded and your wide doe eyes averted to the floor.

It was almost like you made the group forget that a death wave displaced you of a home and killed nearly everyone you loved. Bellamy was the utter reminder that the group was going to live in space for six years and everyone you ever loved was dead. How relieving.

“ Come join us, Bellamy. “ Raven broke the awkward silence, a wave of her hand notioned him over to her side. What could you even talk about? How great the weather is? Do you come here often? This is stupid. He plopped down the bench seat, the room was so quiet that the droning hum of the Ark drowned out the sound of a pin dropping.

Everyone began to discuss different topics about the Ark while you and Bellamy sat silently, your eyes trained on the window while his were focused on you. You were upset but he didn’t know why. It was unlike you to not join in on the conversation, you had so much to talk about that you’d never ever get bored.

“ I’m going to go. I’m a little tired. “ You politefully excused yourself and everyone said their goodbyes except Bell, as expected. He was too busy daydreaming about the possibility of Clarke still being alive. You quickly dashed the halls as soon as you reared the corner, tears steadily welled up on your waterline.

You stopped at seemed to be a dead end before you moved one of the wall panels and sild through to a quiet wall space in the Ark. It was somewhat furnished with a couple pillows, blankets, a wobbly stool and books stacked upon it. Regardless of the interior design, it was all to yourself. You could cry as much as you want and no one would bother you until someone somehow found their way in.

You flopped onto the pile of pillows and blankets, the hanging tears finally falling down the sides of your face. God, this reality sucks. You would literally do anything to leave and go somewhere else. Your blood suddenly ran cold as you heard heavy footsteps and Bellamy’s familiar voice calling out your name.

“ Y/N? I want to talk to you, where are you? “ He questioned curiously, his tone rising and lowering as Bellamy peeked into room after room. You were nowhere to be found, it was like you disappeared like a ghost. You tried your hardest to be still as to not make a sound, you didn’t want to talk to him. No matter how much your heart scolded you too.

“ Hey, Y/N, how’re you holding up? Emori noticed that you haven’t been coming out of your room. “ Murphy queried concerned, his eyebrows were furrowed towards the ceiling. You happily hummed a response, completely faking as if you were okay when you weren’t. “ I’m worried about you, Y/N? Is Bellamy doing this to you? “

“ No, I’m fine. Don’t worry about it, Murph. It’s just the lack of oxygen getting to me again. “ You answered quietly, setting down the novel you were reading beside you. You mustered up the most genuine smile you could while looking towards Murphy. He could see right through your curtain of lies, it was like it was completely transparent. “ Really! “

“ I’m always here if you need me, Y/N. Just yell and I’ll be right here. “

“ I can always count on you, Murphy. “

“ I don’t get it, Bell! Why don’t you see that I’ve given up almost everything for you and you’re still so enveloped with Clarke? “ You huffed out angrily, your chest heaved slight while your blood slowly boiled in your skin. It was true, you had given up mostly everything to be with him. “ We’ve been friends for how long? You can’t even take a little time out of thinking about Clarke to talk to me or the rest of the group every once in a while. You’re just sitting here, moping and contemplating whether to take that drink. I didn’t get to say goodbye to my father and I almost died on my way up here. If I’ve already come to terms with that, I think you should be able too. “

“ At least you knew your father, Y/N. At least there was someone there to help protect you. At least you have someone who loves you! “ Bellamy barked back in your face, completely disregarding and avoiding the fact that he should move on but he just couldn’t. You groaned out defeated, why did Bellamy have to be so stubborn?

“ That’s not the point! You are the most fucking stupid person I have ever met and I hope you know that. You’re so desperate to find out whether or not Clarke is alive that you’re beginning to push away those who care about you. “ You bluntly stated, your true feelings about his situation finally came out. You exhaled a deep breath of your nose before you stomped out of Bellamy’s room, leaving him behind in the empty and cold. It left an ache in your chest but it had to be said, you refused to keep it bottled up any longer.

Bellamy’s hand balled into fists, his knuckles turning a ghastly white. His palm forcefully knocked some books onto the floor while his free hand ran through his hair in sheer stress. He scoffed loudly while his mind replayed your words. Bellamy wasn’t pushing anyone away, was he?

You retreated back to your nook in the wall, silent tears running down your face. You hadn’t come to terms with leaving your father, Kane, behind. You missed him dearly as he was your biggest supporter. The next best thing was Murphy but even then his advice wasn’t anything like your father’s. Kane would’ve told you that boys are icky and you shouldn’t talk to them ever. Thinking back to before shit hit the fan brought a content smile to your face, a sliver of hope even.

“ Leave me alone! “ You seethed furiously, your spine hit a dead end while your eyes burned with a forest fire. Bellamy blocked the way out with his brick wall like of a body. “ I don’t want to talk to you. “

You tried everything in your power to avoid him. You couldn’t face the reality of having a unrequited love with Bellamy. It actually physically hurt to think about it, a sharp pang of pain shot through your hands and chest to look him in the face. It was filled with desperation and perplexity.

“ Please, Y/N. Why are you avoiding everyone? Why are you avoiding me? “ Bellamy asked in an almost whisper, his voice cracking the middle of his sentences. The bags under his eyes were dark and his lips were more pursed than ever. You bit your lip, struggling to swallow your pride whole. Just fucking do it.

“ Bell, I’m ashamed of myself. You want to know why? It’s because I can’t seem to stop loving you. I fall harder and harder for you everyday and I’m scared of it. “ You admitted, tears immediatey prickling behind your eyes. The emotions were flooding out of you and drowning you along with them. You began to feel suffocated the longer you stood before Bellamy. “ You worry so much about Clarke and I’m dying for you to care for me like that. Sure, love is weakness on the ground but we’re living in space now. None of that matters anymore. “

“ Y/N, I- “ Bellamy tried to inject, only to be cut off by your palm whipping up to stop him.

“ Bell, I love you so much that I’m going to pop if I keep it to myself for four more years. “ You choked out, wiping your hot tears with your sleeve. Bellamy stood frozen, his mouth slightly agape in pure shock. It all came falling down on him. The fact that he was hurting you the whole time clamped down on his heart and ripped a giant piece away from it.

His feet took quick step towards you and his lips came crashing down onto yours. His warm hands cupped your face and his thumbs wiped away the stray tears. You stumbled on your feet from his sudden weight pressing onto you before you regained your balance.

Bellamy pulled away, sloppily wiping his lips while his chest heaved in hunger. He clasped your hand into his and peppered light kisses along your knuckles.

“ I’m sorry for being such a fuckin’ idiot, Y/N. I feel just the same way. Lovesick and completely terrified of it. Forgive me and I promise you that these four years will be the best of your life. “

“ Kiss me again, Bell. “

[avasilvugh]

TELL ME! I always love your thoughts!

BLESS U

so the all the kids love their moms a Whole Heck of a Lot right and obviously kara and lena love their kiddos more than words can describe and its not that there’s any favoritism??  at all, like none, its just that stella is sort of naturally closer to lena??  in the same way that finn and maia are sort of naturally closer to kara, like there’s a certain sort of distance created when you’re a kid and you physically can’t Be a certain way around one of your parents

so there’s not distance per se but just....things that kara can do with finn and maia that she cant do with stella and things that lena can do with stella that she cant do with finn and maia 

and its not a Thing but then it sort of becomes a Thing ??  not so much for finn and maia bc lena and kara have gotten creative in making sure that lena’s always been able to be as involved in their lives as kara 

but heres the deal: maia and finn have kara’s powers and kara trains them.  that’s cool, thats fine, stella gets why she does; kara takes them to the deo with her a lot and they punch cars together (especially maia, she’s got a Lot of Rage to work through) and they go flying and kara helps them practice control over their powers and stella can’t help but feel a little left out??  bc for the most part, because her siblings are in control of their powers, they have the option to do everything she can with lena but stella doesnt have the same option with kara

and she hides it rlly well!  she does!  bc its not kara’s fault and its not finn and maia’s fault, its just how they are, and stella decides it has to be her fault which in turn feeds into the dark thoughts she already has bc, you know, empath that acts as an emotional sponge for the world

kara and lena both notice little stella withdrawing, kara notices its more around her than lena and is like..heartbroken.  just fucking devastated bc holy shit what did she do how did this happen she fucked up she fucked up and lena tries to comfort her but she’s p worried too like fuck whats going on 

and it doesnt help that stella can literally feel everything that they feel???  so she just shoves her feelings down even more and bounces back and then it boils over and this one in her class says her brother said that her brother is a word that makes stella shake with anger and she just hauls off and punches the girl

lena’s usually the parent the school calls first but she’s in opal city for a conference so lena calls kara, then the school calls kara and she’s in the middle of an interview and she let lena go to voicemail bc if its urgent she’ll call back but then she’s like “crap, it’s my daughter’s school” and her subject (idk wonder woman or smth) is like “omg no don’t worry, family first” and is super understanding when kara bolts

and like.......she would have expected this from maia, maybe (maia, who still takes the supplement that suppresses her powers bc she doesnt trust herself not to, maia, who gets so numb she just sometimes hits stuff just to feel something) but not stella??  not tiny little stella that used to sob when she accidentally pulled lena’s hair as a toddler or completely forgot kara had superstrength and would apply bandaid after bandaid when she bumped her elbow on the table

so she gets to the school and stella’s just Not Talking, in full shut down like she gets when she gets fried from the world (its sort of sensory overload??  thats the best way to describe it) and she shies away when kara reaches for her, tries to tip her face up to get a better look at the black eye she’s got forming

pls note that stella’s maybe eleven and still Small and she looks even tinier to kara now, looks more like the baby she pulled out of an abandoned car on the pier, and kara’s heart twists and twists at the way stella wont look at her

so she lays her phone on the chair next to stella and marches into the principals office and, while she agrees that stella shouldnt have resorted to violence, she also fully trusts and believes that her daughter wouldnt do anything without reason and she just verbally eviscerates the other mom, who tries to make it out like her daughter hasnt been harassing stella for years or anything (bc kara fucking commits every name to memory, every person that has ever hurt her kids, remembers their names what they said or did and she seethes bc she cant ??  fix all their problems for them???)

and when she marches back out, stella’s playing candy crush and has managed to escape with only suspension for the rest of the day and she still wont look at kara but she grabs onto kara’s hand with surprising force and kara’s like Okay, everything is going to be Okay

eventually stella says it, not to kara, but to alex bc she cant face her mom, either of her moms, with this, not when she’ll feel everything kara feels and she cant handle how it’ll hurt her to know that stella feels so angry and so useless, feels like she cant keep up with kara so she doesnt feel like she should even try, like she doesnt deserve to be kara zor-el’s daughter 

so alex asks if she cant tell this to kara and stella sort of sobs out a please and alex is a lot better at compartmentalizing, which is a skill stella appreciates bc it means all she can feel is alex’s love for her, kindness, warmth, not the way alex’s heart is breaking for her youngest niece

so alex tells kara and kara is fucking devastated like holy shit how did she not see this and alex and lena both are like hey its okay, she buries her feelings, thats part of her powers and lena’s like i didnt see it either but none of it helps bc kara’s like i failed her, i failed my kid

stella usually carpools w/ her best friend home or to lena’s office after school but kara all but demands an afternoon off, storming into snapper’s office and throwing him for like.....several loops with the way she basically tells him she’s taking this thursday and every thursday hereafter off.  and she calls ari’s mom to tell her that she’s picking up stella and she’s the first car at pick up and she picked up stella’s favorite drink from starbucks on her way over and her heart sort of twists a little at the obvious surprise on stella’s face to see her but she works extra hard to box that up and it must be working because stella’s stormy expression has already cleared a bit by the time she makes it to the car

when they pull up to the deo, stella figures that it must be time for her like biannual brain scans, to see how she’s matching up with other telepathic aliens bc they still dont know that much abt her species, but then kara’s guiding her down a different hallway, still just chatting with her abt her day and stuff like that

they walk into one of the Many training rooms and stella’s like ?????  and kara tosses her a gym bag from a locker that stella notices has her name on it and is like i know it’s really hard to not be able to do what your brother and sister can and i am so sorry that i never saw how much you’re struggling.  and i know its not fair that you dont get to punch cars with us, but you can punch this punching bag and talk to me and stella’s sort of overwhelmed??  but in a good way for once

so thats how they start spending thursday afternoons.  kara has alex teach stella proper form after that first day and then they figure out a routine—kara greets stella with a snack afterschool and they head to the deo and dont talk about the heavy stuff until after stella’s changed, after kara’s wrapped stella’s hands, until stella’s gotten a few good punches in, kara steadying the bag.  then it all starts coming out, all the terrible thoughts stella has, all the horrible things she feels that arent even her feelings to begin with, all these awful orphaned emotions that she takes on without meaning to

the system works rlly well bc stellas too wrapped up in her own head, in her words and in making sure she’s in the proper stance, throwing her weight the right way to notice anything kara’s thinking or feeling which is good bc she’s a kid and she shouldnt be worried about her mom’s stuff, she should just feel safe enough to let kara carry some of the burden

THIS GOT RLLY LONG AND I HAVE MORE SO ITS UNDER THE CUT SRY

IM GOING TO SCREAM ABT THE DYNAMIC BTWN THE KIDDOS FOR A MINUTE OKAY

finn is the Ultimate big brother but he is So Soft oh my god.  like??  he Will Not hurt anyone, he refuses to but the absolute second it looks like someone’s fucking with his sisters he makes it seem like he is absolutely willing to hurt someone.  he’s only hit someone once, and that’s this one guy that was pulling shit with stella he shouldnt have been (stella was visiting finn at college and definitely wasnt supposed to be at the omega phi party but well u kno how dumb teenagers can be) and finn punched him once, with nowhere near his full strength and the asshole cried and finn only felt a little bad

but !  for the most part he’s not the beat ppl up for my sisters kind of brother, he’s the do you wanna talk about it brother, the you’re on your period so i ran over to the corner store and got those stick on heat packs you like and also three pints of ben and jerrys brother, the your date bailed and youre crying in your room and think i cant hear it so i cancelled my plans and now we’re going to have a movie night on the couch, mama ordered chinese food brother

he’s the one that follows maia and cleans up the mess she’s made but only after he’s wrapped her up in the tightest hug he thinks she’ll tolerate and promised not to tell moms anything.  he’s the one that helps her keep a lid on it most days, appearing from a classroom and pulling her into it when it looks like she’s about to rip a locker door off its hinges.  the one that intervenes with teachers on her behalf after she blows up in class, smoothes things over so their moms dont have to get involved or ever know about it

he’s the one that acts as a buffer for stella a lot of the time, especially when they’re very little.  he keeps by her side when she’s very small, still unsteady on her feet and that’s their holding pattern, her stumbling and him right beside her and offering her his hand.  he’s the one that acts as a go between for her when the world overwhelms her and, ranking just below their moms, is one of her favorite people and one of her Certified Safe Places.  the list is a small one (basically consisting of lena, kara, finn, alex, maggie, eliza, and j’onn), it’s v prestigious in his opinion

sweet child of mine, i could wax poetic abt how soft and gentle finn is with his sisters and his mothers and the world in general

MAIA IS SUCH A FIRE STARTER OH MY GOD i love her i love her so much but she is destructive as hell.  like the best way to describe it is this—u know how soft finn is?  he’s kara danvers.  maia?  kara zor-el when angered.  she screams and she rages and she’s a hurricane and she breaks things and burns things but she is so fucking careful with the people she loves and even though she loves flying, she loves not worrying about hurting them more so she keeps her powers suppressed for like.....basically from birth to when she’s about twenty or so and she’s a mess but she’s a mess you call when you’re in a fight in a denny’s parking lot and you know she’ll show up even though it’s 2am and you started the fight

and she loves her family so so much??  so much it hurts???  and she’s not good with feelings like finn and can’t read ppl like stella so she doesn’t know what to do with the way she feels most of the time so she beats ppl up for her siblings without them even having to ask 

she finds finn locked in the girls bathroom once and doesnt even say a fucking word, she just storms into the boys locker room and starts threatening ppl until they point her to the ringleader and he well he never messes with finn ever again and quite honestly flinches whenever maia danvers walks into a room

stella gets called a freak?  technically maia doesn’t beat the kid up that said it, bc he’s like twelve, but she still intimidates the hell out of him.  in college, stella comes out and like most ppl r cool w/ it but this one dude in her freshmen seminar calls her a dyke and stella doesnt even necessarily tell maia, but she’s in the city and has brunch with her the next day and can fucking see it in her face and so she does beat him up

most ppl at school dont realize their mom is Lena Luthor bc she’s mostly known as mrs danvers or maia/finn/stella’s mom/other mom and she rlly looks v different when she’s at the school or at a recital or performance or game, usually in casual clothes with her hair down and sunglasses on, so no one ever rlly puts it together but once maia heard these kids saying that any luthor still standing is a threat, you know? and she sort of destroys them

i mean, to be clear, they r alive

they also dont ever say the name luthor within their high school ever again

when she gets older, she sort of mellows out thanks to age and maturity and also a fuck ton of therapy but she still verbally destroys ppl and is that person that’s always like they’re not treating you right?  leave their ass

and stella oh little stella

she’s like very much the baby of the family, like there’s abt five years btwn her and finn and three btwn her and maia and she idolizes her siblings even if she’ll never voice it

she is also a giant brat sometimes like she mercilessly blackmails them for rides and party invites and whatever else she wants (obviously not mercilessly, never about the big stuff, never about anything real) and they know she’d never follow through on her threats but they give her whatever it is she wants anyway bc that’s sort of part of the game they play, you know?

she also takes like.....a lot of care for them.  like as much as they protect her, she protects them.  she’s usually the first line of defense when things get shitty, bc she feels it??  and is sort of forced into noticing first.  when finn starts getting nightmares, it’s stella that clambers into his bed and starts telling him stories.  she’s the first to get a Bad Vibe from maia’s bf and she fucking acts on it, tells their moms.  she knows when her siblings are happy and she cheers them on so fucking loudly and she knows when theyre hurting and she’s the first to bring them kleenex and snacks

[seungcheolrk]

does jeonghan being at university bother you? how much do you miss him? do you ever feel like he's forgetting about you? do you feel like you relied on him too much? (ily abbie pls dont kill me lol)

★ honesty hour!

( tw !! negative thoughts, self deprecation )

“I…” it’s a lot to take in at once, and the short answers, yes, so much that it hurts, all the time and of course I did, seem so easy until he thinks about them — thinks about what they mean, what they say about him. he swallows harshly, wets his lips. his breathing is shaky, uneven, and he thinks about the last couple of months where he has seen him more, and the thoughts of you’re a bother come flooding back until his heart weighs the most it has since jeonghan left. 

let’s take these one at a time. 

does jeonghan being at university bother you? “maybe.” maybe, my ass. “is it controlling of me to say yes? I want… I want him to do the things that make him happy. I want him to study hard and achieve every success he could ever want, I just… he’s so far away. he’s spending his time with people that are far less emotionally draining than I am, and far more fun. he’s making friends with people who don’t lie to him for years, and who are on the same level as him intellectually and emotionally. he’s seeing what he’s missed out on those three years he stuck by my side.” he sucks in a deep breath. “I’m not saying that I think those years of deep friendship mean nothing to jeonghan— of course not. he’s not like that at all. but I just feel like… that patience he’s always had with me will wear thin once he’s had a taste of the easier and better friendships that he deserves. he doesn’t deserve all my problems, but I can’t help but long for him to be here to guide me through them. I guess that makes me selfish.” 

how much do you miss him? his heart aches. truthfully, since he signed with sphere, seungcheol has never felt lonelier. with them both busy, finding time with jeonghan became difficult. finding time to be with jihoon, who was right here with him, was difficult enough; so much so that the younger had found other friends to fill the space seungcheol had left when he signed on the dotted line, and he didn’t doubt that jeonghan had done the same when he went off to university, finally allowed to breathe without seungcheol hanging over his back. “a lot,” is the easy answer, the one that rolls off his tongue, but it doesn’t mean anything, and it doesn’t stop him from biting so hard on his bottom lip that he draws blood, and it doesn’t stop his eyes from watering. “I love him more than anything else in the world, and I hate— it was so hard to adapt to not having him here by my side every day, to hold my hand and tell me everything will be okay when the world feels like it’s collapsing in on me. I still don’t think I’m quite used to it.” he sniffles, so hard that his nose stings and it only makes his eyes water more. “I hate being apart, because I… I make it look like I have everything together; like I know what I’m doing. I could handle it when I worked at the store; it was the same thing, day in, day out. now… now I have to take risks, make decisions I’m not used to making on my own. I need him back… to hold my hand and give me strength.” a pause. “selfish. all this is proving is that I’m selfish.” he shakes his head. “I can’t do anything by myself.” 

do you ever feel like he’s forgetting about you?“I hate to say it, because I… feel like it makes it look like I think jeonghan never cared about me in the first place, and I know he did— does— but… all the time.” this is the question that hits him the hardest. the feeling of being left behind, of being replaceable to someone who could never, ever be replaced in his own heart… maybe this was his greatest fear of them all. it certainly brought him the most heart ache, at least. “I don’t think it’d ever be intentional. I think he’s growing up without me, and it’ll just get to a point where I’m holding onto something that’s a distant memory to him, clouded by all the incredible experiences he’s having whilst away. when we skype… he treats me like we’ve never been apart, but we have, and I can feel it. I can feel how my heart longs for it to be a real face-to-face conversation. I know how disconnected I feel, that I have to hear about his days in vague recollections and not be part of them.” he wipes away one tear, and smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes — in fact, it barely curls the corners of his lips. “but if he does, that’s okay. your next question proves to me that he’s probably better off forgetting about me.” 

do you feel like you relied on him too much?“absolutely.” 

there’s a pang in his heart once more. it stings over the dull pain of longing and worry and fear that he really should be used to by now, but may never be, and that longing comes from the fact that seungcheol is nothing but reliant on jeonghan. he always has been and may always continue to be, too. “that’s where all of this comes from, isn’t it? that I selfishly can’t live without him. that I rely on him far too much to help me through each day instead of letting him live his own life; decide whether or not he wants me in it. does he keep me around out of a sense of duty or pity? will I ever know? probably not, because that’s the thing, too, isn’t it? jeonghan is too nice to tell me I’m a pain, that he’s fed up of me, that I need to stop calling. he’s too nice to tell me I’m holding him back, so I guess I have to take the initiative and let him go myself. I’m getting used to the loneliness, anyway, and I should do, because if I ever debut, I might not be able to see him at all, ever — if he’s still keeping me around by then. I’ve tried… cutting him off before. it’s what… I always do when I’m scared of losing people. I lose them myself because then at least I can convince myself I did what was best for them, but I always go crawling back to jeonghan because I just… I don’t know what life is like without him. I’m too used to having him around, having him support me and hold my hand. it’s about time I stopped being selfish and let him fly.” 

he pats his cheeks dry with his palms, eyes red and puffy, and tears certainly not done yet.

“I guess if you love something, you have to let it go. I hope he’s having fun at university. I hope he doesn’t forget me, but I also hope he doesn’t feel as if he has to be here for me. I hope… I hope he can live the life he wants to, whether I’m in it or not. I hope he’s a little selfish and thinks only of himself and not me, because apparently, that’s what I do.” 

one last sigh. “but I hope that he knows that I love him more than anything else. he’s my soulmate and no matter what, he always will be.”