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#......... god this is why ive actually kinda enjoyed my self imposed period of solitude
magnoliamyrrh
·
2 years
Text
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#i really fucking hate how hard i was dissociating in class
#and it happened before too when i wasnt on these meds yet
#i wasn't even high.
#i rly hate having to acknowledge that im like this. over and over again. that this is a reality
#. and i hate having to acknowledge that im disabled in public
#like im in pain in public. or occasionally limping. or needing to sit down. or looking half dead. or god worst of all being visibility
#mentally ill that one makes me wanna dig myself into the dirt and never come out
#i hate that im not all there. that i cant be no matter how hard i try. and then im in the middle of fucking class like
#who am i?
#im so used to it but its still so much to put up with all the goddd damn time and all the time having to pretend that im ok or sane or
#remotely funcitoning and not lowkey having a flashback in the middle of fucking class for unknown reasons. while this brain works overtime
#to mask it take it to the inner and shove someone else in the front
#......... god this is why ive actually kinda enjoyed my self imposed period of solitude
#and even so when my parents are sround i still have to do thst almost 24/7
#like i just wanna be insane in peace fjkdd left in my own soup as we say in romanian.... it takes too much effort to mask with strangers
#... idk it makes it hard too when i meet people in person sometimes? because the moment the conversation gets past casual its like...
#i want to answer your questions. i do not want to lie. but i also dont particularly want to tell the truth... tho i am not fond of telling
#half truths either
#... this is why over the years ive prefered 2 places to meet people 1)tumblr 2)psych ward lmaoo but fr. its the same vibe
#because in a ward people are at their realest. no bullshit. all vulnerability. some of the realest most genuine impactful connections ive
#made w ppl have been in wards.... and. tumblr is the one place outside or wards lmao. or my own brain. where im..... where i dont mask
#where i dont put an effort to mask
#... so when ppl start talking to me on here (even tho im at times bad at replying sorry idk why its so hard for me i need to work on it)
#its like. well. you already have likely known for months or years that im fucking insane so 🤷♀️
#.......... i didnt used to be this anxious. and to be honest im not quite sure i seem anxious either because i have been told too often i
#seem confident? charasmatic? self assured? bitch fucking where i feel like slippery cold noodles inside from anxiety
#.... its partially that im not used to being around so many ppl anymore. its partially the more severe trust issues ive developed again as
#of late... but at the same time probability my general fedupness thsts been brewing for 12 years with a lotta the culture here isnt helping
#either... but... I also think ive just.... ive become incredibly incredibly frustrated with my mental and physical illnesses lately.. very
#and their(my) limitations which i hate acknowledging. and all this fucking shame i got too over it. when i accepted it myself i did no care
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