#i hate that im not all there. that i cant be no matter how hard i try. and then im in the middle of fucking class like | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

puppyeared · 10 months

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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously

#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to #im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but #because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of #exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something #and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh #and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing #because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant #even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still #its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about #I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird #maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel #a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t #I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to #be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol #idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week #had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting #yapping #does this count as vent #vent #Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly

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angellurgy2 · 27 days

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#i hate being. hopeless #im gonna have nowhere to go soon enough and I'll die homeless but.#im not saying ill do anything obvs just. thinking abt ways to die first and. i wish i couldve been anything. i wish i couldve-#-been an actual artist. actually make all the things i wanted to make for so long #i wish i couldve had friends. had anyone. i wish i wasnt forced into this hole that i cant get out of. no matter how hard i try im stuck #with the despair and loneliness. im destined to dir and not be anything or have anyone and i hate it so much i wish i couldve rlly lived #sorry for posting depressed i have nothing else to so at all

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bunnihearted · 2 months

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🧸♡ ⋆｡˚

#it actually does make such a huge difference omg im like ... feels like i got thrown into the floor lost my breath #having someone i like so much to talk to abt things #and share stuff and details abt not only my days but their days too #and talking abt like books that we read or shows/movies we saw and etc etc #sending pics. sending voice messages. all of that #that was so amazing wth???#it sounds like such a mundane thing but it changed my enire baseline. it wasnt a littel thing to me #i didnt share as much as i wanted to because it takes me longer to settle into smth like this #or any kind of connection/correspondence/bond/rapport #im slow bc im so scared of ppl. scared of trusting. scared of opening up. rejection rejection all of that #yeah.. takes me a lot longer than the average person to settle into smth like this #avpd is its own special hell...#i miss it a lot and i wish there hadnt been all the other circumstances so i could've actually relaxed into it #and come out of my shell completely. which i was almost there. now that mental block is gone but it's too late....#i take too long... it is impossible to be patient with me. i really hate everything abt my brain #my desire overtook my fear and it was quicker than it ever has but not enough.. :(#i miss it sm and it made me feel so so much lust for life..#but it's gone now and i can really feel the loss of it #i wouldve done anything i could to save it. or nurture it. or whatever. but it was a sacred treasure to /me/.#it doesnt matter if i try to put out the flames in a burning house if the house is gone and there are actually only the flames left #and since to me it is so special. and like. the fact that this even happened is crazy to me stuff like this feelings and connection never #happen to me. it's like.. special to talk to someone u like & have an established rapport with on a regular basis #and tell them stuff and rant abt like a book or whatever. ask them details abt their life bc u know them and enjoy knowing them #i cant just transfer all of this to someone else. i dont feel like yapping abt the book im reading into the void or someone i barely know #i just dont know... i need that sm and it was so amazing w someone i like sm. & it makes me sad i takes me too long to get fully comfortable #bc of this time were it was the most intense and long lasting for me but also im in love lmao. but other times too...#i take too long and why would someone wanna wait like actually a year (which is how long it often takes me to pass a certain barrier)#im not special. im nothing that great. it is easy to find someone else who is x1000 better than me and wont take an eternity to warm up #i just feel so sad bc i try so hard and then all of my effort just goes down the drain and then i have to do it again if i meet someone #then they'll leave me behind too and get tired of me and not like what they see and then im back at square 1 again

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fiendishartist2 · 1 year

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imagine going somewhere that you know you might not come back from. imagine leaving behind half-formed friendships and the facimile of your old ones, hand in hand with ppl who want you dead, because its the right thing to do. imagine you don't come back, just like you anticipated, except thats not entirely true. you dont survive, but some force stops you from leaving in peace; it leaves your body lifeless because it has no use for you besides the terror your mind can inflict on others, but it just won't let you die. imagine one day, you're free from the mental prison you've been trapped in. you wake up, but you're still not alive. you're cold and empty and no one looks at you the same because they can't stand to look at you. it hurts because you can't do anything but hurt people anymore. imagine you had no choice in this, except you did, didn't you? its all your fault because you were too curious, too naive, too prideful, too stupid. its all your fault, just like you always thought, and now everyone agrees with you. imagine they wish you hadn't woken up, and you can't help but agree with them. and yet, you do everything in your power to save them all, while you still have people left to save. because you're still you, even if your friends see an animated corpse in your place. you hold onto your humanity with white knuckles and gritted teeth because its all you have left of yourself. and you still lose by the end because you were set up to fail since the beginning. because you are jonathan sims, and the world has no sympathy for you

#JONATHAN SIMS. AUUUGGGHHHHHRHRGEHRGEJGRHEHRHRGHRGEHE BRK BARK BARK BARK #ripping elias bouchard to shreds and hitting the cast of tma over the head with hammers #ill fight tooth and nail for jon i will be in the fucking trenches for him no matter what #bc i believe in the goodness of jonathan sims!!!! i believe his selflessness is his downfall but it is still selflessness!!!!!!!!#he cares and he loves and he fights for his love even when its hard or hurts himself or others #he blames himself for being led down a path. he cant see how well he was manipulated bc he hates himself so much for falling for it #and nothing will ever be as heartwrenching to me as jon's humanity getting ripped from him when all he wants to keep-#-everyone safe from harm #it becomes his nature to cause the exact harm he was trying to prevent bc he had the misfortune of being the perfect victim #god. jesus christ. jon what the fuck. why would they do that you........................#tma #the magnus archives #jonathan sims #im just saying things

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todayisafridaynight · 6 months

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would it be okay if u told me why u like aoki😭/gen😭😭😭😭BEEN TRYNA LIKE HIM FOR SO LONG I JUST CANTT but i love ur art so much so i still consume it otherwise lol

i liked tohru adachi in high school and tbh i think that alone is enough of an explanation for why i ended up liking aoki

#snap chats #haha see i told you last post's tags were relevant #anyway vLKVJEVLKAEJVLKJ IM CRYING ANON youre so funny. this is the funniest ask i coulda got thank you so much #i dont know why i like him either <- yes i do #fine lets get Real Talk about it #well first off all i thought he looked hot rolling out the elevator and i was playing the eng dub and i think his voice sounds hot there #and thats like. not athing that happens to me ever <- literally thought sawashiro was hot two frames into the game but anyway #i like politician characters. or characters that are in a position of power ESPECIALLY if they have to act like they dont suck balls #like i very much love the idea of the power of charisma and that type of thing not to mention the 'strategizing' as aoki puts it #that comes with politics. LIKE HE SUCKS DONT GET IT TWISTED HE SUCKS BUT //shrug emoji//#like its why i love the mine rggo stories i like seeing mine's thought process and how he uses his intelligence #smart's sexy to me idk what to tell you but moving on #its fun watching him lose his cool too ESP IN HIS FIGHT LMAO HE STOMPIN HIS FOOT LIKE A TODDLER SHUT UP #i also really love the arakawa family in general and thinking of aoki's relationship with each of them makes my brain explode #especially him and sawashiro that shit is painful to watch and i love it so much #i also thought him going from goth to republican was the funniest shit in the world like i howled at that AND i was distraught #aokis so interesting to me from the notion that he IS loved by his family but he has so much hatred for himself it eats him up #and as a result he cant be happy no matter what he does- how hes constantly seeking validation even if it's nothing meaningful #his lil. Dog-Eat-Dog world world belief to ichi also appealed to my edgy depressed high schooler brain. sorry.#his speech at the lockers also got to me. unfortunately. sorry everyone i empathized too hard it got too real it wasnt funny anymore #like as much as i complain bout the very end the ending is what solidified me liking aoki if not also cause of ichi's impact in those scene #plus... analyzing him and the environment around him is so much fun too....#idk reasons for why i like aoki also boil down to personal reasons. he still sucks tho so i cant be upset when people hate him LOL #i probably have more reasons or could elaborate more i love rambling but i mean. who really wants to read all that 💀💀#maybe for a character that WASNT the worst but. aoki is so LMAO #thank you for loving my art regardless :) im sorry i have to be attached to the worst guys ever

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persephoneflouwers · 17 days

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Going through a moment rn because I just realised I don’t know when the next time I see Louis will be. The idea it is going to take months, or worse YEARS, makes me spiral into the void.

Bring me back to his show last night.

No, bring me back to the first time I saw him so I can see him six more times again 🥹

I want him to rest and take care and just — you know, do his things without tour or pressure or anything, but please don’t go away for long long long? Pretty please. Come back soon, when you’re ready, when time is right for you but please Louis, don’t take long ❤️‍🩹

#the post concert depression is hitting me right now #i cant imagine when I’ll be back home and back to work #like this is going to be soooo hard for me so hard #because I struggle So so so so so much with nostalgia #jesus christ it’s just so overwhelming for me #it’s such an intense feeling and my body feels it way too deeply #and I hate that I love it so much because it makes me feel stuff for so long after they have been gone #like it’s my body and memory way to relive through things all over again #but it’s so deep and intense and it come in waves and i go silent for so long #sort of stuck inside the memories of what I used to have yk?#and like with Louis is usually multiplied x 100000 #because I don’t ever know where next how next what is going to happen and it just #flies by so swiftly that I don’t even notice and i wish i could turn back time #but im glad to feel all this because no matter what blogs here think about me #i love that man for this sort of feelings he makes me feel #about missing time that is no more and nurturing my inner child so warmly

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stormyrainyday · 3 months

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this entire year has been flop after flop why am i losing so bad your honor i am literally just some guy

#im yapping u can move on if u dont wanna hear my life story #first i get nuked by stomach pains when i go to visit my friends #something that had been ongoing for years but #my best friend convinces me to see a doctor that year #my condition deteriorates no matter what meds they put me on #i finally get a more invasive exam that shows my intestines were inflamed #i get put on fucking steroids that fuck me up physically and emotionally #i go through multiple med school exams after spending months in crippling pain #pain so bad id be bedridden for hours #got 6 weeks of migraines near daily #sometimes multiple in a day #stressed out of my mind by the time my finals came around to the point that i could no longer bring myself to care #bc i was sure id fail no matter how hard i studied #visit my friends again bc somehow its already winter again #am a nervous wreck all the time and retreat into my phone #but also hate myself for not spending what little time i had fully present #constantly worn out and exhausted bc my meds are barely working #and id found out i was allergic to a lot of things so i was cutting a lot of things out of my diet #lmfao it was so bad my weight still hasnt recovered but yeah i come back i start 3rd year #the toll the last year had taken on my mental health finally registers #i become too depressed to study for my hardest module yet #UGH THATS SO CRINGE JUST SIT DOWN AND STUDY??#but nothing was sticking on god #anyway im sure ive failed #and la salud mental no es bien or soemthing idk i havent taken spanish in 3 years #anyway deep sigh i just stay losing #i cant believe im in like four fucking research projects and classes and trying to work on myself this shit sucks balls #and clinical rotations...#lord just strike me down

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g0thsoojin · 2 months

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#im like very much having a crisis right now... i mean to most ppl it isnt that serious lmaoooo #but tbh i am a loser and tumblr is 80% of my life and most of my social life #all social interactions i get are on tumblr ._.#so i dont want to keep alienating myself on it because then im just ruining it for myself and removing the only place #and source of social interaction and attention :/#i personally can not for my life comprehend this because i really dont take other peoplës venting personally #but ever since i started using twitter and tumblr i have ruined so many connections .. by venting on my own account.....#and now.. when i lost and fucked it up with the love of my life... just bc i vented and he interpreted it from his pov..#and got hurt when i wrote things abt being lonely and unwanted WHILE talking to him everyday and having him call me beautiful and care abt m #... i understand why he got hurt and i understand his pov bc it looked like i pulled away and distanced myself and only complained and that #he didnt matter to me when in fact he was EVERYTHING to me and i lived off his attention #i hate that i ruined the best thing i could ever have just bc i have this pathological need to share my every thought #like shut the fuck up... i wish i wouldve shut the fuck up and instead gushed abt how much i liked him which was what i wanted to do #my avpd just made me feel stupid bc when i did he didnt interact with those posts and then i felt embarrassed #which like i know how fucking stupid avpd and bpd makes me and i hate it but i cant stop it #god i regret it so much like my dumb ass blog isnt worth losing him over... it just isnt #only an online connection.. makes it so hard to see bc he only saw my diary where i complain he didnt see everything else :(((#so he thought that he wasnt important to me and then slowly started to detach himself from me (understandably) god i wanna die #so yeah ive started to HATE my main account. bc it has ruined so much for me. plus lately ppl have started being mean #and i get it its the internet ppl suck but i AM so fkn sensitive. and i get sad and hurt really easily #and i feel anxious abt venting bc im scared of getting a mean ask after #like... i feel so fucking alone and idk what to do. all i want to do now is vent vent vent but ive started to feel like venting is bad #and harmful and only ruins my friendships and connections and makes ppl be mean to me #i honestly wish i wouldve stopped venting every thought looooong ago #and that i had a more normal blog and had a secret vent blog and that he didnt read all my miserable posts #bc then maybe.... he wouldve actually understood how much i fkn love him and hadnt looked in other places and now i lost him #bc i really dont blame him bc i know what he is struggling with and seeing me who he cares for so much say those things...#i get it 100% and thats why im so pissed with myself for just not stopping!!!! why cant i stop????? whats wrong with me #i just feel so lonely and like no ones listening but he was listening to me i just had to be brave and go to him #plus all my venting made him think that im like in severe emotional distress every second and that i was too fragile to talk to

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vaugarde · 5 months

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you only visit or call me when you WANT something :///

#in all seriousness ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh god i hate how ashs reserve pokemon are treated past gen 4 #is there like… any real reason he cant use them here? its not like prioritizing gen 8 fuckin matters #remember battle frontier and sinnoh/johto league where ash used his reserves frequently bc he still thought of them as his pokemon #while by this point theyre basically just an afterthought #i get that there are a lot of them now but if his alola team can get a little bit of love and even be in the opening animation…#like. who is arguing against this. all the fans love it when you do this #you can barely even claim the kids wont get it bc i was a child when the sinnoh league aired #and i still loved the old cameos bc it felt like ash adored EVERYONE in his lineup whether they were active or not #but as far as unova and up is concerned he barely even thinks about them #theyre not even worth showing to the audience until 60 episodes into this callback show. and not even all of them show up #and not all of em show up in the finale miniseries either #im not even just mad gliscor got shafted hard. a good chunk of his pokemon were ignored or treated poorly #like swellow getting turned to stone and ash barely even blinking #he would not fucking do that #echoed voice #jn lb

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scringee · 3 months

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#this is a vent so don't read the tags if you dont want to #im really like. scared i guess is the right word #not going to try and make this about myself at all the problem im having is i literally dont know who I'm meant to vote for this year #unfortunately i know my dad and hes a vote blue no matter who kind of guy and i just can't #i cant vote for fucking biden this year not after hes been funding and backing a genocide #and its been like #genuinely hard #whst do i do? who do i vote for if it comes down between fucking. trump or biden #i know if i dont vote trump will win but if i do vote i bring someone complicit in aiding Isreal in an ethnic cleansing #thats terrifying #why did i have to have my first election where im able to vote the fucking Mussolini v Stalin #i hate this i hate the world because then every post rn is about project 2025 and how if i dont vote biden im basically voting for trump #i just dont know what to do. it makes me feel fucking sick to my stomach #fuck everything in the world right now #we're so cooked #vent #scringee mouth

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dq1 · 4 months

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ohh im close.to having crazy gender issues again

#wish i was a girl like.im.afab or whatever but Jesus. i wish i could be comfortable as a girl #but maam lady she her sis girl UGHHH all makes.me.feel like ass #butlike i want to be one sometimes #and sometimes wonder if i loved myself more if i would still be trans #like if i was skinny and disnt have trauma from being bullied so hard would i still be trans #because i wish so badly i could be a skinny cunty girl but honestly the most i can ever do #is be a depressed asian middle aged man in a few years #and i see myself growing old as someone presenting as a man especially in my career field #but im my mind . the little girl i grew up with got older and is hiding in a corner of my head but i cant be her regardless of how much #i want to be .. idk #i have a beard growing rn and i hate it and want it off my fucking face and i wish i could do makeup and have long hair again #but the beard and short hair stop people from calling me a woman bc no matter how much i wish to be a girl i HATE being called one #and i hate being called lady woman female or whatever like i just wanna be a girl. ugh

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

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#im just gonna complain abt it here bc i just have to accept that i can't irl bc no one else gets it #its hard to b a dyslexic grad student. u have to read so much. and its good. lots of reading is good. u just have to contend with a soul #crushing amout of discouragement at the fact u just kinda cant read while ur peers r like sure i can read this in class and have things to #say abt it. if u make me read in my head in class i literally cannot fucking tell u what i just read. not a god damn thing and if i try to #let my computer read to me i cant fucking pay attention for long enough so i just have to accept that from here on out ill have to #physically read papers aloud which i hate so much. its the only way i can fucking understand things and it still makes me feel dumb bc ill #somehow still space out while reading and have to reread like 4 times before i understand wtf is being said. it takes forever and it takes #energy and i dont like talking very much and it also restricts me to only being able to read at home which is frustrating #and im like i need to stop my brain from distracting myself with things that dont matter and my counselor is like: ur ocd is trying to make #work ur whole life and im like yeah thats how i got it. its the only way i can keep swimming with the non dyslexics #so its like wtf do i do? i kinda have to take the hit and make work my whole life rn. morn the loss of other things for a while #i dunno im still a bummer rn. like im probably coming off as more an asocial freak than normal bc its hard to talk ans maintain conversation #rn. but whatever. sometimes things just suck and theres nothing u can do abt it but accept it and move on. ill learn lots of things with all #the reading i have to do and that's never a bad thing ...no matter how much i dont give a fuck abt animals #like jesus. i could not even begin to give a fuck about like 95% of mammals. fish r cool tho. plants too #but microbes is where its at. i dont understand y ppl dont understand how cool they r. oh well ill just have to tell them #if i can find my fucking enthusiasm. ugh i have to make one of my classes read a paper and i have to work with someone abt find it. she #works with like rabbits. i refuse to assign a mammal paper. i fucking refuse. we will do plants or microbes or fucking paleontology #i will fight her on this. ugh. light filtering or orchid speciation would b perfect. annoying #at least i get to work with some culturs this week #unrelated

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qumiiiquinnquin · 11 months

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my art will never be good enough !

#vent #im so hypocritical #i give advice on how to not feel terrible about ones own art and then i want to burn all my traditional art and delete all my art files #i cant even follow my own advice. ive wanted to burn and delete my art for several years now and i am very close to doing it #its so hard to not compare myself to others. its so hard to not think that what I make isn't good enough. everyone else can make so #much more beloved art. and they all know that ill never amount to anything no matter how much time ans effort i put jnto an art #it will never be good enough. I will never be good enough.#since I cant stop why dont I just post art then bounce and not scroll afterwards? ive done that multiple times now #but it feels very isolating and lonely. So I can deactivate and leave social media for good so I stop always comparing numbers #but it bleeds into real life. i actually felt this terrible about my art before creating any social media and posting my art in 2020.#i just know that nowhere am i good enough.#I hate that i think these things and am acting like this. I need to quit and discard everything giving up would benefit everyone #in fact why dont i go commit sewercide and officially rid myself since i cant think anything without wanting to commit over it lol #everyone says take a break but i will just come back feeling fine then it will quickly evolve into feeling this exact same way again.#'take a break' I might as well fucking quit for good like I want #making art makes me happy and helps keep me going. but at this point im not happy doing art anymore so I have nothing keeping me from #giving up on being alive anymnore

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zenyuumi · 1 year

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#vent tag #GRRGRGRR FUCK IM STRESSED OUT #ive been having the worst memory lately and im getting scared #i keep forgetting places and people important to me and i hate it #i already forgot the last name of someone who used to be one of my dearest friends and i cant remember it no matter how hard i try #i get terrified thinking about what ill forget next. my memories with my family are also getting really foggy #what if when they all die i start to forget their faces and their voices and all the time ive spent with them #i dontw ant that to happen #i think im gonna go insane #i dont want time to pass i just want everything to be still #sorry ill be normal again just giv me 5 minutes

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lostandbackagain · 2 years

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I'm so invested in the folcharts as a couple when resa's talking then mo immediately lies to and excludes her for no reason. she's the only reason your dumb ass is even alive and you haven't treated her like an adult and your partner in months fuck is wrong with you

and then he tells her he doesn't care if she goes back home without him lmfao men ain't shit

#inkdeath is so hard to read because I HATE watching resa become isolated #she doesnt want to ruin her marriage by confronting mo that she knows he's lying and murdering people #(babygirl YOU would not be the one ruining your marriage if he freaked out over that conversation but ppl dont make sense)#she cant confide in meggie bc she doesnt want meggie to know mo's out endangering himself and staining his soul red #plus she knows damn well meggie takes mo's side on EVERYTHING mo can do no wrong when asked to choose between her parents #again. no matter how deranged mo is acting #cant talk to roxane bc she feels insensitive bc at least she still has a husband even tho he sucks rn #the prince is busy and doing the same thing as mo #from her perspective inkdeath is lowkey the yellow wallpaper miss girl's just going fucking insane #and the two people she should trust the most are telling/would tell her she's absolutely right to think she's crazy #actually the more i think about this the more feral i get i want to talk about how mortola's always calling resa #a mute little bird or w/e #and not just in reference to actually being mute but in being stripped of her autonomy bc birds cant sign #birds that cant sing have no way of communicating with other birds heyre trapped in isolation #and her own fucking HUSBAND treats her like that! like she's inherently incapable of taking care of herself #or speaking for herself and her children and her marriage #and he finally vaguely concedes to let her at least take the kids out of Rape Is Legal World without a fight #but he's like 'we're over if you do lol'#i sound very mean to mo all the time i think but im SO fascinated by him #i love the negative character development that cant be completely attributed to the bluejay songs #but fuck he needs to get on his knees in front of resa and beg her forgiveness idcidc he didnt do one thing to deserve her in inkdeath #sorry this is incoherent it's 4am im in migraine hell #collapsed earlier today although i think that was less the migraine and more the lights were flickering #cant sleep havent eaten extremely nauseous but yk #inkheart derangement syndrome attacks me at all hours of the day #if you see me elaborate on these tags later in a better post without mentioning that im stealing from myself do NOT call me out #inkheart #says kenna #'i want this baby to grow up with a father' - 'and i want to kill people so looks like it's a tie' afhlfsjkkfds MORTIMER

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magnoliamyrrh · 2 years

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#i really fucking hate how hard i was dissociating in class #and it happened before too when i wasnt on these meds yet #i wasn't even high.#i rly hate having to acknowledge that im like this. over and over again. that this is a reality #. and i hate having to acknowledge that im disabled in public #like im in pain in public. or occasionally limping. or needing to sit down. or looking half dead. or god worst of all being visibility #mentally ill that one makes me wanna dig myself into the dirt and never come out #i hate that im not all there. that i cant be no matter how hard i try. and then im in the middle of fucking class like #who am i?#im so used to it but its still so much to put up with all the goddd damn time and all the time having to pretend that im ok or sane or #remotely funcitoning and not lowkey having a flashback in the middle of fucking class for unknown reasons. while this brain works overtime #to mask it take it to the inner and shove someone else in the front #......... god this is why ive actually kinda enjoyed my self imposed period of solitude #and even so when my parents are sround i still have to do thst almost 24/7 #like i just wanna be insane in peace fjkdd left in my own soup as we say in romanian.... it takes too much effort to mask with strangers #... idk it makes it hard too when i meet people in person sometimes? because the moment the conversation gets past casual its like...#i want to answer your questions. i do not want to lie. but i also dont particularly want to tell the truth... tho i am not fond of telling #half truths either #... this is why over the years ive prefered 2 places to meet people 1)tumblr 2)psych ward lmaoo but fr. its the same vibe #because in a ward people are at their realest. no bullshit. all vulnerability. some of the realest most genuine impactful connections ive #made w ppl have been in wards.... and. tumblr is the one place outside or wards lmao. or my own brain. where im..... where i dont mask #where i dont put an effort to mask #... so when ppl start talking to me on here (even tho im at times bad at replying sorry idk why its so hard for me i need to work on it)#its like. well. you already have likely known for months or years that im fucking insane so 🤷‍♀️#.......... i didnt used to be this anxious. and to be honest im not quite sure i seem anxious either because i have been told too often i #seem confident? charasmatic? self assured? bitch fucking where i feel like slippery cold noodles inside from anxiety #.... its partially that im not used to being around so many ppl anymore. its partially the more severe trust issues ive developed again as #of late... but at the same time probability my general fedupness thsts been brewing for 12 years with a lotta the culture here isnt helping #either... but... I also think ive just.... ive become incredibly incredibly frustrated with my mental and physical illnesses lately.. very #and their(my) limitations which i hate acknowledging. and all this fucking shame i got too over it. when i accepted it myself i did no care

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