#. and i hate having to acknowledge that im disabled in public

[magnoliamyrrh]

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[cy-cyborg]

It's been confirmed that there are 3 amputees in the main cast of Dragon Age: the veilguard - Neve (leg amputee), Bellara (arm amputee) and your inquisitor (arm amputee). So as an amputee myself, here are some things I'd like to see.

Note: these aren't predictions, just things I'd really like to be included.

The inquisitor doesn't use a prosthetic (I already talked about this in its own post but with 3 amputees, and 2 of them already being shown to use prosthetics that, lets be honest, do look like "perfect replacement" prosthetics, it would be nice to see at least one who doesn't)

We will get to customise our inquisitor in chatacter creation, so I would love, if they do use a prosthetic, for there to be some customisability to it (im not holding my breath there but still).

Neve and Bellara's prosthetics aren't perfect prosthetics, and they are actually acknowledged as being disabled while still being active members of your party.

There's some kind of party banter between Neve and Bellara about some of the downsides/problems with their prosthetics, not necessarily in a "poor them" way, but in a "ugh, don't you just hate it when you can't get the stupid thing on in the morning" kind of way.

I get a kind of jokey/adventurous vibe from Bellara, I hope they aren't affraid to let her use her prosthetic for pranks or jokes. I don't think neve would, but I can see bellara having a blast with it.

I hope the prosthetics come off during down time. No amputee wears their prosthetics 24/7, it's uncomfortable, and they get heavy and sore after using them all day.

I hope we see Neve express some frustration or see her alter her walk animation on rough terrain. It's hard to get a clear look because the trailers she's been shown in are so dark, but her foot doesn't look articulated, which is going to change how she walks, even just a little bit.

I hope the prosthetics don't break - this is a trope I'm starting to notice more and more, where someone has a perfect prosthetic that is only not a perfect replacement when it breaks, usually for plot reasons, at which point the character in question is forced out of the action until its fixed. DA has forced companions out of your party for story reasons before (e.g. solas after you free his spirit friend and he needs to cool off) so I can see this being used for plot, and I really hope it's not.

The inquisitor, Neve and Bellara compair prosthetists (the maker of the prosthetic) and maker techniques.

I really doubt they'll do this but I'd love it if random NPC's approach you if you have any of the amputees in your party to ask what happened and/or make weird comments at them ("but cy, that would be so annoying and inconvenient!" That's the point. So many people do that to irl amputees, and it's never at a convenient or even safe time, and I've never seen it happen in media. A game is arguably the best place to have it happen, in, say, a random event similar to the ones that could happen in origins)

In that same vein, I'd love to see a scene where someone approaches the inquisitor to call them an inspiration- you and the inquisitor assume it's for, you know, beating corripheus (I know I spelled it wrong lol) and saving the world, but it's revealed the chatacter has no idea who the hell the inquisitor is and just means it's inspiring that they're out in public "like that" - referring to their arm. This also happens to me all the time, and you can't tell me some snooty orlesean or tevinter noble wouldn't make those back-handed compliments, lol. You also can't convince me that any version of the inquisitor would just accept that

I hope none of the chatacters are used as inspiration porn ("don't you worry Rook! I can still pull my own weight on the team despite being an amputee, you just have to give me a chance to prove myself!")

At least one of the chatacter's stories of how they lost their limb is left untold in game (we don't always need to know how it happened if it's not relevent to the plot).

Like I said, these aren't predictions, just my hopes. I wouldn't hold my breath for any of these to be honest (bioware has not been the best in term of disability rep in the past) but A lot of them wouldn't be hard to implement and could take the representation from hardly even acknowledging their disability to something actually pretty decent disability rep-wise. It's also pretty rare to have so many characters with the same kind of disability in the cast of such a mainstream piece of media, and I really, really hope they do something with that because you can have a lot of fun with that.

[d0llyxtears]

My parents are so dismissive and invalidating…. Especially about my trauma

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“ if you constantly dwell on it you’ll never get better “

“ I’ve had a bad life to but I don’t go moping about it all the time “

“ you actually need to try to get better “

“ I feel like a bad mom /I’ve feel like I’ve failed because you’re so sad “

“ you need to let it go/let go of your anger “

“ you need to forgive him “

“ let’s talk about it later/we’ll talk about it tomorrow “

“ stop being a victim “

“ you need to forget about that “

“ stop thinking about it all the time “

“ was it really that bad “

“ I don’t think adhd is a disability “

“ you need to start helping yourself “

“ school sucked for me too you know “

“ school is hard for everyone/ everyone goes through hardships “

“ think of the positives “

I starting to really hate my parents… all the dismissive comments, all the invalidation… all the not acknowledging my pain and just wanting me to “ get over it “ “ get better “ already

I’m so fucking tried of it all …. They rushing me through my healing process, telling me to get over my trauma from my brother ( and also including my trauma from being emotionally abused in a psychiatric hospital.. multiple times and my trauma from bullying/public humiliation in school) , think adhd isnt a disability that causes significant distress in people if untreated/under treated … aka ME …..

They don’t understand that Im mentally stuck In my trauma… those memories haunt me everyday .. I haven’t left those moments…. Im still there!!!

I just wish they’d understand!!! Im trying to get through it but its hard because I have so much repressed trauma that has gone unprocessed/untreated for YEARS …… so sorry that Im even more difficult to deal with now …. Sorry that my pain and hurt is such an inconvenience to you !!

I hate them … they’re so cruel!!! You think YOU don’t want to deal with my emotions and problems IMAGINE ME , IMAGINE HOW TIRED I AM BEING THE PERSON FEELING AND EXPERIENCING THEM ALL

GOD I HATE THEM !!!!!

It’s so awful….. why can’t I just feel validated and safe and … why can’t someone just see my pain , acknowledge it !!

[the-eldritch-it-gay]

anyways if anyone's wondering how im doing, here's a WIP of a glorified diary entry that's me reflecting on the question "Do you take pride in your work" and talking about the abysmal state of being a part-time custodian at a public school.

“Do you take pride in your work?”

When I was being interviewed, I was asked how my former employer would describe me in. I took a moment and came up with, “passionate, dedicated, someone who loves what they do”. (I had 5 different managers at my last job. My former employer only saw me once and never evaluated my work). It wasn’t entirely a lie, though, I enjoyed my time as a student custodian in a college dorm. It was hell, I dealt with horrific messes made by people my age who didn’t consider that a person deals with their trash, someone almost called the police on me because I was suspicious (i.e. a brown Muslim), I was frequently injured, my grades suffered because of how taxing the work was. But I like routine, I liked that I didn’t have to talk to people and I could just listen to music and shuffle around cleaning. I don’t love cleaning, but I love spending time and doing something repetitive and straightforward. If I had to pick between working in retail and cleaning bathrooms, I’d take cleaning bathrooms any day.

When my new manager was showing me around the building, he told me that everyone here loves what they do and takes pride in a job well done, and he said he could tell I was the same way. I felt guilty when he said that, like I would be betraying him if I told him the truth.

I was having a rather difficult night during my last shift. I was physically in agony, mentally I was struggling with paranoia and auditory hallucinations (not helped by the knowledge the day manager watches the cameras and checks my work). I was cleaning a 2nd-grade classroom (the worst one, the one that has always left behind massive messes) and while I vacuumed and let my mind wander, a question found its way into my brain.

“Do you take pride in your work?”

Tears welled in my eyes, sharp and painful as I thought of the answer to that question.

I wish I did. It’s hard to. There’s not much I can find to take pride in. What could I take pride in? I was here because despite a bachelor's degree I couldn’t find any work and I needed to get money to eat somehow. I’m here because I live in my parents' basement and they’ll only let me stay if I have a job. I’m here because custodial work is the only job people seem to want to hire me for. I’m here, hiding the fact that I’m physically disabled so I can do manual labor and destroy my body for a wage that could never pay for rent, doing a job with 0 benefits.

I bought nice work pants to wear at the job but most days I can’t even manage to put them on because it’s too hard on my body. 

When I worked in a dorm, I sometimes felt pride. It might have been sparingly, but I did feel good sometimes. On the weekends, I was the only one cleaning the dorm. While the building was nearly a ghost town with how asocial every resident was, I would still see the residents. I would smiled at them from behind my niqab when I passed them in the hallways carrying trash. I exchanged pleasantries and a few words with the small handful of residents who weren’t white. Once or twice, I would catch a resident bringing their trash out and I would offer to take it and they would thank me. During the worst of COVID, my duties included bringing food to people in quarantine and taking their trash to the dumpster since they couldn’t take it themselves. I felt like I was doing something good, even if most of the residents wouldn’t acknowledge my presence or make eye contact, even though I was hate-crimed while on duty, even though I saw the worst in people.

My new job is at a public school, after hours. I’ve only seen a teacher once, I never see any of the children who learn in the classrooms I clean. The one teacher I did see looked at me once and then let me gather her trash in silence. I doubt any of the teachers know who cleans their classrooms, I wonder half the time if the children even know someone cleans the school. How many of them were brought up being told that they need to study or they’ll end up cleaning bathrooms? Do the students who write obscenities on the walls of the bathroom know that if I don’t get it off the wall, I’ll get written up? That every time I try to clean it off, it’s motivated by paranoia that if I don’t, I put my job in jeopardy. 

I don’t take pride in my work. My cleaning is not motivated by love or dedication or care, but fear. I’ve been applying for jobs since late 2021, slowly burning through my savings trying to stay afloat. I clean in fear, in knowledge that in a year of applying for jobs this is the only job I’ve even been interviewed for. That if I slip up, if I slack, if I fail to meet requirements, I’ll lose my only income.

I’m an abuse survivor, I come from a bad home and difficult childhood, I have PTSD. I don't take pride in my work, everything I do I fear is inadequate. I assume I’m doing everything wrong, that I’m only being tolerated at most and one slip-up will bring me a world of pain. It doesn’t help that I was barely trained. The only reason I’ve managed so far is relying on the 2 years of experience I have at my previous job.

I push around a cart full of cleaning supplies that I haven’t been taught to use. At the dorm, I had 4 main products, a general disinfectant, a bathroom cleaner, a glass cleaner, and on occasion, hospital-grade disinfectant spray. I knew the kill times for each, where to use each. At my current job, my cart and closet are full of an assortment of products, half of them the sort of thing you’d find in a Walgreens. If things look dirty, I was told to spray it with disinfectant. A far cry from my previous job where I would spray down and clean every high-touch surface (tables, the backs and arms of chairs, door handles, railings, window sills). 

I don’t take pride in my work, I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough. I feel like I should be wiping down tables and desks and chairs. Children are messy, we’re still in a pandemic. But at my job, I’ve been told to mainly vacuum, take out trash, make sure there’s soap, polish the water fountain. I only have 4 hours to clean 10 classrooms, 2 bathrooms and 2 gyms. I feel like I barely have any time to clean each room.

How can I take pride in my work.

[queer-vampire]

haven’t done a read more in a while... bunch of trigger warnings (surrounding abuse) ahead

i have a lot of things running through my head right now. i have for the past week and a half now. nothing short of one extreme thought to the next. it first started out with wondering if my unexplained diagnoses could be some form of bipolar disorder. one top of that, my health insurance is in the clouds so i can’t pick up my meds yet and i’m going through some emotional and mental withdrawals instead of physical ones. the other day i had a full blown episode and the ONLY thing that helped was doping up on my emergency anxiety meds to help me sleep the ENTIRE day. 

on top of it all, im still needing to move out as soon as i can. there is a lot of factors to take into consideration, but moving out is my absolute number one priority now. i cannot live here anymore. it might seem like an exaggeration, but i think living here is slowly eating away at my sanity.

fast forward to today, and my post about my victimology class. day one of this class i knew i’d be opening up a box stuffed away in my mind that read ‘do not open, ever’ and yet, i took a box cutter and ripped that shit open wide.

so, since january of this year ive been treading lightly around the contents of what was inside the box. but today, oh boy, today i finally sat down and looked at them. 

physical abuse. thats something i didn’t want to say. thats something i was on the fence about for the better part of five years now. “no, it was just a misunderstanding” i would say to myself. its true, what you can tell others often times you can tell yourself. thats literally textbook responses for victims. its not that i didn’t know, i just didn’t want to acknowledge it yet. or at all. 

no, it doesn’t stop there. there is something deeper down in that box that i didn’t dare take out until today. im already peeling back the physical abuse, might as well get the final piece out of the box. now, before i even begin, it’s not rape. i know that for a fact. honest. unless my brain has REALLY made me forget shit, it’s not anything extremely sexual. 

my dad would tickle my sister and i without having any self control. he wouldn’t stop when we would scream it out. he would have us literally pinned to the ground so we couldn’t escape. i can recall a few incidents where i pissed myself because he wouldn’t stop. 

just because someone is laughing while its happening, doesn’t mean its not painful or traumatizing. thats the automatic response. centuries ago, and even today in some countries, they have tickle-torture. like for FUCKS sake that shit is so far from ok. 

1) he pinned us down 2) he didn’t stop when we screamed at him to stop 3) we would piss ourselves 4) sometimes our wrists would hurt for a while afterwards

this is borderline sexual abuse. in some definitions it is. i don’t know how i would conclude it, i’ll ask my therapist when i see her in a couple of weeks. i know she’ll leave it up to me, but i want her honest opinion. part of me wants to be a little dramatic about this, but knowing that i’ve been right and validated by her with my assumptions before i know deep down what she’ll say.

i don’t know if he’s done anything else with my sister, but he’s done a few other more physical-based actions with me. when i was younger, he would grab me if i wasn’t getting what he was saying during an argument we were having. it wasn’t anything incredibly aggressive, but it was tight around my arm. at one point, when i was no older than five, he carried me up to the master bedroom and pinned me to the bed and yelled at me right in my face about how i was acting like ‘a baby’. five years old. 

that was the only time he got that aggressive with his physical actions. the last time he did anything physical was when i was still in my cast and using crutches. he was wanting to start an argument and i wasn’t having it. he was in my room but i knew i couldn’t yell at him to get out, so i started for the bathroom. but before i could even make my first step with my crutches to get out of my chair, he ripped one of the crutches from me and it nearly made me fall over. i was stunned, since he hadn’t done anything physical in a long time. but ooooooh it made me furious. i kept my cool, but that will forever haunt me. 

and something else that is crossing boundaries that could lead to some sexual abuse of some kind is the fact that BOTH my parents don’t really understand intimate boundaries. or just boundaries in general. what i mean specifically is that they seem to think it’s ok that they can just walk around almost naked. as a kid i don’t remember it bothering me much, but that is most likely because i had to suppress any trauma from that. it got so bad that i legit thought it was normal that parents did that. dear god how fucking gross is this??? i haven’t seen my dad naked before thank GOD, but i have seen my mom naked. and it wasn’t because i accidentally walked in on her changing or anything. how in the FUCK did she not learn that when people are in the house that you just don’t walk around naked??????????? like “oops i forgot my towel, i’ll have to yell out a) can someone bring it to me or b) yell out that i need to step out naked for a second” like AT LEAST do those two things jesus FUCK.

i knew about ^ earlier than the newest cesspool of shit i opened up today. i knew the previous physical interactions with my dad in arguments wasn’t healthy either, but for years i’ve completely denied that it was a problem, and for five years i desperately denied that it was physical abuse because i didn’t want to deal with it. i didn’t want to hear it. i didn’t really want to try and work through all of that.

what makes my experience the LITERAL worst is that everything is in a grey area of definition. nothing i’ve experienced is textbook definition. no one could catch on just by looking at any of us. hell, i fucking cheated the system even though i have many undiagnosed disorders and unspecified learning disabilities that are most likely dyslexia and dyscalculia. the four of us were very, very good a hiding a lot from public eye. thats why ive always hesitated when talking about my childhood in this light. its not an easy explanation to people who aren’t familiar with different kinds of abuse. 

yeah, i don’t have to explain shit to anyone. i’m learning to really take that to heart, because people need to trust me when i say that i’ve been abused. emotionally and now, i guess, physically. no matter to what degree and how repetitive it was/is its still abuse.

i need to move. i don’t know where to go. i don’t have a lot of money. im still recovering from my car accident. im a college student. i have a cat to take care of. i have a job but it’s proving to be literal hell, but i have one lined up and it pays the same. everything is up in the air and i cannot control much of it. but i know for SURE that i need to move as soon as i can. i don’t know what to do at this point. i want to start a gofundme, but i hate asking for money like this. i want to talk with extended relatives, but good lord i can only imagine how that would play out. im contemplating moving out to arizona. i could live with my aunt and uncle and pay rent, but that still isn’t moving out. is it? i just have to leave. im desperate now. 

so very, very desperate

[floralkittygambler]

Return of The Thing

Sort of. By thing, I mean me. But I love this movie and the meme. Ok, context for this post: - Where I’ve been - Why I left - Whats hip happening -  Where I’ve Been:

Long story short, I’ve had real life matters to deal with. Firstly, my entire household contracted COVID. Well, *almost*. We’ve been through constant testing, quarantine zones, and had the ambulance up numerous times. My parents and 2nd oldest sister were hit the hardest. My 3rd oldest sister was positive and asymptomatic. Now something none of us could predict that I would be completely COVID free despite my compromises. Despite that I was in close contact with them all, including the 2nd oldest who contracted it first and accidentally being coughed on a few times lol. I went through the exact same testing and yet nothing. No symptoms. No presence of COVID. And I took no precaution to isolate from my family as I presumed in our small house we’d all get it, so I was more preoccupied with caring for the sick. Ultimately, I’ve either gotten off scott free this time or there’s a chance I may actually either be highly resistant or even immune. Even then, I WILL be having the vaccine as and when my family are eligible. And we all still follow regulations set.  I’ve also had other real life obligations, much of it either mundane fixing up my living circumstances to more personal matters. Overall, I have been extremely preoccupied.

A mini update, the stray cat Big has been in our porch a lot more in recent times due to the snow as well as being even more affectionate. And Queefster passed away after a good life and a full tummy. Why I Left:

Aside from COVID, business, and my own health declining, I’ll be blunt. I left because of how disgustingly toxic most fandoms are nowadays, but Hazbin is one of the WORST for it. That includes harassment, death threats, mocking MI and triggering an ED. In fact, I’ve even seen others get rape and death threats. So yes, even if YOU are a decent fan, collectively most of you arent doing any favours. Even some critical blogs seem to be overtly catty in ways no one else seems to pick up on under this ‘look how blunt I am’ look and it’s just... You dont have to be a prick to have your say, to be honest and to disagree with the trending. That’s a few on and off of tumblr, and no one I follow anyways. 

In regards to my ‘sensitivities’ - two things: 1) Of course trauma is going to hurt, 2) Im fully aware of kids doing and receiving much of this, which hurts MORE. I have my own lil squids and Im worried of them eventually having to deal with this shit. And no, no one SHOULD have to put up with such rude and poor behaviour. Agree to disagree doesnt live in some people’s realities, but by God harassment and bullying seems ok if YOURE doing it or enticing it. That ISNT ok. Even if it seems like nothing to you it could kill another. I certainly will not take your shit. 

On huskerdust I STAND by my words. It’s fucking creepy and there is sexual harassment and obsession. And there are large triggers. I will not go into detail here because Ive done that dance before and I’ll be refining it again. YOU may like it, however it triggers my very real traumas as well as those in my bloodline. Be respectful and keep that shit away from me. And for goodness sake, parents PLEASE dont raise your children to behave as such online. And no, being anon isnt actually fully anonymous. Also to send hate and threats anon is not only traceable but also cowardice. Grow a pair and find a hobby. I avoid my traumas for the most part. I will not allow you to weaponise or diminish my own or others experiences for your fictional based gratification. Likewise, if it becomes canon, I’ll just make an AU where it is not. Simple. You can hate it but Im not your personal circus so go be toxic elsewhere. IF you like HD and follow me, honestly... Youre probably better to unfollow as I am deeply and passionately against it and stolitz, and valvox, and am very vocal on that. Dont mistake my traumas and discomfort as a personal attack - and dont personally attack me over it either. And before anyone claims homophobia, no. This is nothing to do with sexuality. You arent the victim. If you love these pairings with your soul to the point of a ‘stan’, then youre best off unfollowing because I really am too old for extremists and rabid fans more crazed than the infected in REC. Also I never used to hate angel but now... Fans behaviour is abhorrent and hes so over saturated that I honestly really dislike him now. Doesnt mean you have to hate him too, but just bloody respect that angel isnt loved by all, he can be triggering to some as well as toxically enabling [incl. past addicts], a vile homophobic gay stereotype and just overall a lack of knowledge and respect of sex workers as a whole. When you know a lot of the ins and outs and victims, it’s hard to overlook. I respect your triggering ships by avoiding that mess. Respect others.  The problem with Viv - and I will elaborate in the future - is that your audience is often a reflection of your work and it’s message/presentation. And most of the fandom Ive met are awful. Honestly, though lonesome I find more comfort keeping distant from fandoms because yall often extremely toxic and petty. Perhaps others have had better experiences than I however Im drawing a line in the sand. For MY sake. I’m annoyed with virtually anyone I sense great potential in that becomes wasted. Im angry at Viv because she can do so much better but is blocking HERSELF. This is from a creative and business mindset. When someone has potential that gets wasted - especially creatively - it burns me. Im just passionate on artistic fields. It doesnt mean I hate them. I hate the waste of full potential.

I’ll state things here people disagree with but encouraging harassment, hate or just being an overall cunt just aint on- It’s like people charade as being this fair being but its all bullshit. Self improve and sod off, I do NOT have time to parent you online. 

And obviously there are RL duties I must fulfil. Some in which I will need the publics assistance for if you can spare it. Overall, Im just... Fandoms behaviour generally disgusts me. Disappoints me. We SHOULD be better than this. It’s like listening to bloomin incels rant on fuckin chad or some bullshit pill theory instead of looking to improve themselves too. Honestly... I do mostly acknowledge my own flaws and faults and try to improve each day. It just feels fewer folk see that in themselves and do the same. And that’s coming from an old cunt whos far from fuckin perfect. Also, my fuckin laptop broke so I waited a week for a bloke nearby to fix it. What a fuckin lifesaver, he’s the real mvp!

Also Also, one of you did privately apologise and I appreciate that. I certainly hope we agree to disagree and continue to grow as people on our separate ways. Trust me, I dont forget small acts like this. Even the trauma that caused and the aftermath, please dont think I dont appreciate the apology. However you’re also entitled to know that the forgiveness and healing side may take longer for me due to various factors that occurred - much that few are aware of, including yourself especially. I wish you well and safety.

Hip Happenin Now:

Still busy but slowly visiting. I’ll reply and reblog soon, be patient please. Ive still many things to sort which take priority as well as other things. Im trying to get money n shit for a future and whatnot. Health issues are strong in the blood rn and Im spending extended time with both Big and the other pets to keep up harmony, especially now that Big is accepting slowly that our porch is a welcome shelter for him and he’s free to leave and stay whenever. Trust me, overloaded isnt even the word. Im prepping shit early this year and from now on. Also, my God Ive been dealing with more physical issues as well and had to play doctor. May even need medical interference but holy shit I could never see this coming. Still... It’s... An experience- If you could call it that. Staying more active and healthy. Cat’s nearly clawed my eye out in my sleep (to which I can only presume Billy got too close or hyper) but it’s fortunate placement so Im alright. Most of my body is in pain to the point of absolute normality at this rate. And I plan to make space for a better altar. Future of the Blog: 

Errr, it’s my fuckin space so it’s whatever I want really. Ill still have my Viv rants (ie, pros and cons of her work, HH/HB, other shit like that) however I just really dislike most the fandom at this point as well as the poor management and lack of professionalism and attitudes of staff. It’s just draggin me down and making me ill. I also want to showcase more of MY work (from redesigns to projects to some dumb 2am shit), cosplays, fashion, hobbies, spiritual practises - MY. SHIT. I feel like Ive strayed slightly. But I WILL be honest. And damn well will it upset people. And if it does and I’m genuinely ding something wrong/harmful - guide me patiently. Educate me. If it’s like this HD shit where Im not only allowed my opinions but justified on my traumas or mocking my disabilities or features, then just yeet yourself elsewhere. Also some of my gaming shit too. Getting to know folk who interact with my stuff and just... Create my space. For me. Something hopefully others can enjoy. Something that can function as a bit of an art portfolio as well. Critiques and whatnot.  But I will continually not stand for anyone’s shit or poor handling of serious matters. You will not cause me to doubt and invalidate my experiences like you have to others.  For now, Im tottering but slowly returning. For those who I previously and daily interacted with, I will get back to you. And Im sure you’re patient and understanding of my situation - it’s appreciated. But in terms of any fandom, more so if it’s known to be as hostile, I’d rather keep a healthy boundary between us. That’s for newer folk. Perhaps we may bond further and you’re welcome to try, however I do feel far safer not getting involved into other people’s shit any longer. I will put anon back on but any toxic shit will be reported as well as compiled so at least I have a reference on the actual toxic nature of fandoms. Likewise, Im slowly getting there but god theres a lot of fuckin work. So much that not even my closest friend has heard too much from me until recently. I’ll be returning to the grind for now as I have duties, as well as many demanding felines for my attention. Alongside some physical medical concerns which require additional care, I’ll be popping off now.  Im thankful for those who have checked in on me. I will reply shortly. Take care

[tedfashionski]

Finking, Finking.

Hi, welcome to my ted talk. (That is the only time I will ever make that joke. This is Fashionski Finks. Expect radically low standards of self-involved rantiness with zero research or accountability from here on out). For a while there I seriously thought that the covid-19 quarantine was going to result in people being increasingly placid and accepting of creeping extensions of the police state. But here I am, getting depressed again, not about the protests, which I love, but more about my relationship to in-group pressure dynamics. One of the problems with being a relentless contrarian is the discomfort of my impulse to rebel against groups even when they’re championing the right thing. I have to find my own way to fight against the system as an outsider. No gods, no masters, no fucking peer pressure.  I’ll never be happy joining a chorus line. I don’t sign fucking petitions (they’re just lists for the NSA). I do donate, but like fuck will I do it performatively. I can’t go to protests cus I get panic attacky in crowds. I empathise pretty strongly with outsiders of all stripes but believe ridiculously excessively in the public good of criticism, and have a nostalgic love of trolling (I like to think I’m gentle with it though). Bring back the troll! We need that fucker, he’s a sign of a healthy internet. I’m writing this blog thing as an extension of my need to vent my extreme negativity. TBH I never expected to get any followers with ted twitter and the bizarre welcomingness of the hf twitter community totally wrongfooted me. I’m not nice. Ted isn’t meant to likable. He’s my dark side. I was meant to be using this alt as a way to terrorise the nice nice (secretly cruel) fashion people. I’m gunna try and up that aspect more. Just bear in mind, my complaints are largely about the system, but if I see you perpetuating fashion’s entrenched anti-intellectualism or its insidery bullshit, I’ll come for you with a little meta-bomb with your name on it. Maintaining my misanthropic tone does take work tho, like, deep down in some twisted part of my psyche, I guess I do actually want to be liked. It’s fucked up.

I suppose it’s only fair to explain this Ted fursona. Like, new concept, who dis? Why all the furry porn? …..because I just think it’s hilarious. Every time I think about the furries I cackle (not at them, mind). I just love the mad corruption of pure Disney aesthetics into hardcore pornography. That’s anti-authoritarian as fuck. I love the sincerity of their culture. The way the crazy fetish aspect means they’ll never be fully blandified by mainstream acceptance. The way it’s so cringe but so delightful. And more seriously, I’m interested in how a culture of mostly gay male nerds developed to the point where they’ll invest 10k in custom fursuits and support eachother’s independent businesses in ways that the fashion community completely fails to do. The fashion world sucks. There’s so many correlations there that I want to investigate: the newness (furries date from around the 70s, fashion culture in its self-aware state dates from the late 19th C – both very young fields); the centralisation/decentralisation; the hierarchy (furries can be pretty catty, I have discovered in my research, and we all know what fashion people are like); the adoption of new identities; the cis-boy gayness aspect (I’m increasingly tired of the extreme nasty hierarchy of certain CSM queens. It’s all very UGH. Just, fuck those particular bitches.) There’s more to the furry love, but I’ll explore it in future posts.

More importantly, why Ted fucking Kaczynski? I’m not like, actually a terrorist. (….yet. tehehe. NO, seriously I like non-maiming violence. Fuck yeah to property damage. Fuck yeah to disabling the system in extreme way. But no to wooden IEDs. Think of my shitty jokes that fail to land as my hand-crafted bombs). I think I like the shitness of Ted. He was just an epic fail of a terrorist. I’m a little white girl living in London. I’m not actually a primitivist, as much as I crave a hut in the woods. I did go to an elite school though. I had some really shitty experiences in the fashion industry in my early 20s, and I watch my friends who are relatively successful in that system and I get so angry on their behalf at their poor treatment. They think I’m too angry. Fuck that. They should be more angry, and the fact that they can’t be angry at their extreme precarity and the fact they’re still insecure and terrified of being ejected by the system after all their investment and skills they’ve built up is BULLSHIT. I’ll be double angry for them, I’m not invested in that system. I don’t need it to pay my rent. I’m free, motherfuckers, and I’m coming for the abusers and exploiters. If you’re a complacent industry figure not fighting hard from within, uggghhhhh fuck you. Yes, YOU. Soooo, I relate pretty hard to the MK ultra stuff. (go look him up, he was basically tortured and experimented upon by the elite). But there’s a pretty big chasm between my views and his, and I’ll try to be clear about the extent of my interest in his extreme beliefs. I haven’t even finished reading the manifesto. Basically, I watched that shitty show on Netflix with sam worthington around the same time I watched Joker (that movie fucked me up) and thought it’d be a good outlet to larp online as a terrorist. There’s the angry white alt-right school shooter aspect, which I’m still figuring out, cus I’m non-binary and I was raised by nutso trumpy right-wingers, who I barely speak to anymore, and I struggle to get along with people generally. There’s sad, self-pitying rage here. I empathise with the angry white dudes too much. I feel guilty about it. That’s good ground for artmaking (yes, shamefully, this…is…art. Sorry). I modelled this fursona a little after my brother, who I spent years living with and arguing with and trying to lift out of his scary racist youtube rabbit holes. This is actually quite an emotional thing for me, cus I did the ‘talk to your fascist family’ thing. And I completely failed. I realised his right-winginess wasn’t lessening, I wasn’t gaining ground, and in fact my excessive empathy and desire to reach out to the relative most similar to me in character meant his extremism was rubbing off on me. Making me more resentful and depressed. Feeling powerless. I was being too kind-hearted and forgiving of his masculine impotence. So I’m exploring some personal shit here. But Ted is also a cute lil fuzzball teddy bear. He means well, but me being super autistic and faily at social skills means he’s kind of a dick, cus I am. I’m going to try and further develop this character, this POV, and this post is the only time I’ll explain the divide between him and his creator (moi). The ‘I’ on the twitter and here is Ted Fashionski, I need that space between me and him. Masks give us this freedom to be more ourselves. Internet culture has lost a lot of its wild brutal anonymity in the last decade or so, now everyone’s afraid of making mistakes. How the hell do you grow if you’re not allowed to fuck up? This is a vital outlet. He’s become an important part of my life and I have to say, I love being Ted Fashionski. He’s like Paddington Bear who just escaped form Guantanamo or something.

I get pretty fatigued as a matter of course. I’m a long-term depressive since childhood. I have a difficult time keeping my hard-on for living. I don’t get suicidal really but I do struggle with extreme fatigue. I sleep a lot. I often fall into spirals of self-hate. And as someone who utterly believes in revolutionary leftist politics, I beat myself up about not doing enough. I’m so middle class and english and white. I was raised in such a chauvinistic and complacent culture; I don’t even know where to start. I’m wading my way through post-colonial literature and beating myself up for finding it boring and uncomfortable. It’s hard to force yourself to acknowledge your culture is The Bad Guys. It’s easier to fall into fanstasies of supremacy and butthurt misunderstoodness. And it’s not like my depressive brain needs any encouragement to hate me. My trajectory is ever leftwards, but I remember the righteous fury of being right-wing. I get it, that was me. We need more paths back from fascism, more comprehension of why people are that kind of shitty. I talk less, and less well, the more depressed I am. If I’m talking, it means im feeling a lot better. Just, fyi.

Give me a minute to be critical here. With the George Floyd protests, a lot of the cool guys on fashion twitter has gone blazingly hardcore on the political side. But there’s this troubling rhetoric about ‘no return to normal content’ or ‘this isn’t the time for fashion’. Like fuck it isn’t. This is a key problem with fashion culture right here, we have this received perception of fashion as empty escapism. Escapism matters in fashion, yes. But seriously, talking about the surfaces of things does not equal not caring about deeper meaning. What the fuck. Clothes are a connective tissue, a membrane between us. They’re emotional and powerful. We can talk about things that matter THROUGH clothes. I speak fashion, pretty fucking well. Most people who work at fashion magazines are morons with no understanding or respect for their subject. They’re incapable of doing it justice, and that’s deliberate. On this tumblr you’ll see rants and reviews of fashion and other artforms, always interpreting through a fashion lens. cus it matters, cus it’s a vital part of the culture, cus just because something has a glittery, seductive surface doesn’t mean it doesn’t communicate or contain depth. There’s no going back to ‘normal fashion content’, yes. Normal fashion content is a fucking psyop to divert legitimate interest in aesthetics amongst largely non-academic dyslexic visual types away from careful thought/feeling and towards empty consumerist commericiality. The traditional fashion media wants you to express yourself and your interest in the zeitgeist through buying more shit. Another fashion world is possible. Let’s destroy the old and build a new one, one where surface and spirit are connected and true and fashion can’t be abused in service of evil industrial monopolists.

/end rant. TLDR: angry fictional teddy bear with tin-foil hat and an eco-anarchist fetish says no to stupid fashion and yes to the renewal of conceptual fashion. Also, Fuck White People.

[cookinguptales]

Okay, so... This post has been a long time coming. Like, long enough that I’ve gone back and forth and made many posts about this over the past week. ahaha. On one hand, I feel bad bringing up things that happened so long ago, and that almost kept me silent for good. It makes me feel grudgey and petty and like I’m abusing my fandom platform. But on the other hand, I’ve had certain things happen lately that have led me to reconsider my stance of silently blocking people who make me uncomfortable in fandom. And god, despite blacklisting and blocking this guy, he’s been showing up on my dash like crazy lately due to screenshots and whitelisting. He’s all over karabita fandom, and at a certain point, I realized that that isn’t just uncomfortable for me seeing him everywhere -- it’s also a bit worrying considering the age of many people in this fandom, who are honestly really young.

Cut for length.

Last spring, I started writing in the karabita fandom, and it led to a lot of firsts for me. I’d never really had many followers on tumblr before, and I almost never got asks before my fic for this fandom started getting popular. So I really wasn’t sure about ask/request etiquette, and I didn’t always lay down the law like I would learn to do so later. Basically, I wanted to be everyone’s friend, I wanted to answer everyone’s @messages and reblogs and asks and IMs, and I didn’t want to say no when I got requests and asks that made me uncomfortable. I also tended to answer asks I had any kind of problem with privately, which is a decision I’ve since come to regret. I learned that answering them publicly may lead to some fandom friction, but it creates a public record of someone’s weirdness towards you.

I’ve definitely gotten some weird asks over the past year. A lot of them have been anonymous, so I never really knew who to avoid. But starting last summer, one person sent me a long string of bizarre asks, and they did it logged in. president-frankenstein. I answered most of these privately bc honestly most of them made me weirded out, frustrated, or kind of creeped out. At least one I found deeply offensive. (And yes, I still have copies of all of these in my inbox.)

There was a strong element of pushing me to do things I didn’t want to do. He approached me asking me to write Totty/Chibita, a pairing I’ve never talked about publicly bc frankly, it’s a very much hated NOTP of mine. I told him this, and he was like “oh, that’s fine!” (Phew!!) And then he asked me to read his Totty/Chibita fic. (What??) And like all these beginning asks were couched in very complimentary, almost obsequious terms (which also made me kind of uncomfortable, but that’s more my own issues) so I was like. “Well, that was weird, but I guess not a big deal.”

Things took a turn for the weirder when the guy sent me a long, detailed prompt (completely unprovoked, requests weren’t open or anything) for a Pacific War AU that included, along with myriad other things, romanticization of Imperial Japanese soldiers, historically inaccurate details that would aid in that romanticization, and romanticization of (non-canon) disability, all things that make me incredibly uncomfortable bordering on offended. (As most of my followers know, I am disabled IRL, and as for the Imperial soldier thing, well, I’d be equally upset to get a request to write a Nazi soldier romanticizing fic. Protip: war crimes aren’t sexy.) I went back and forth on how to answer this weird, unasked for message, especially because I was honestly kind of seeing red about the contents of the prompt. I eventually sent back a polite but very terse message saying that the content made me very uncomfortable and I under no circumstances wanted to write it. And at that point, I basically washed my hands of it and hoped it was over and he’d stop talking to me.

He apologized. And he kept apologizing. Here’s a tip for people who are apologizing: if you apologize and the person you’re apologizing to doesn’t answer you -- but you keep sending messages until you get a reply back? You care about assuaging your own guilt more than the actual comfort of the person you’re apologizing to. And I will tell you, my comfort level dropped from “low” to “basement level”. I honestly never wanted to talk to him again, but I did eventually send him a message like, yes, I got your apology the first time, I just didn’t want to talk to you anymore.

And then the thing happened that switched me from “I do not like a person in fandom” to “holy shit this person creeps me out”. As soon as I told him I didn’t want to respond to his asks, he posted photomanip fanart for a fic of mine plus a multiple paragraph tumblr post fawning over me. There were a lot of red flags in there, and I could probably break it down point by point (and did, when I contacted several friends and showed him all his messages like “am I right to be incredibly weirded out by this guy” bc I still always doubt my gut reaction) but here are the main things that automatically alarmed me.

Publicly implying closeness that did not exist. Referring to me by real name instead of pseud, acting like he knew what I intended for my fics (he was wrong, by the way), talking about how long he’d been a reader (not that long, actually), etc. Huge, huge red flag.

Actually, continuing that second point, the assumption that he knew what was going on inside my head was presumptuous, entitled, and a little creepy. Like he straight up said that he was sure that if had made the fic longer or if I ever continued the fic, I’d definitely include this headcanon of his. (He sent me asks related to this (again, incorrect) headcanon of his later on, and I did not answer them.) Like he just took it as a given that he understood what I really meant when I said things, which is always a bit alarming when someone already doesn’t seem to understand what you’re telling them.

Tagging me in his post and talking about how much he hoped I liked it (I DID NOT) but not actually directing anything in the post towards me. Making sure I saw something but not talking to me. He was just like. Self-admittedly talking to my audience and cutting me out of the loop. He posted it in all the fandom tags. It was weird and offputting and performative. And very, VERY public.

Now, some background and further explanation about why this upset me so much. I have, in the past, been stalked online. And no, these events I’m talking about now never came anywhere near that feeling of unsafety. But guys, this is absolutely something that the guy who ended up stalking me did to me repeatedly, often enough that I finally realized that doing this is manipulative, not complimentary. Here’s the pattern: Be friendly, upset me until I no longer wanted to communicate with him, then make a public gushing announcement about how wonderful he thought I was. This part is complicated. Part of it is bound up in the whole (deeply problematic) trope of “winning a girl’s esteem back through an OTT gesture” that’s popular in movies -- and that I have grown to hate -- and some of it is linked to female socialization. Above all else, be nice. If someone compliments you, even if it makes you uncomfortable, you’re a “bitch” if you don’t acknowledge it and say thank you. When you tell a guy that you don’t want to talk to him and he responds by making a VERY PUBLIC (again, posted to all fandom tags) post full of gushing praise, it is a manipulative move designed to put you in a position where you need to respond. The guy knew I respond to everyone who makes fanworks of my stories (or, uh, at least try to -- I’ve definitely forgotten during busy periods a couple times), and the guy knew that a socially acceptable response to a post like that is public acknowledgment. It’s a way of bribing you into talking to them again (that grand OTT gesture -- whether romantic or, as in this case, platonic -- that makes any girl forgive you) and a way of putting you in a social situation where you have to talk to them again. It’s a shitty thing to do to someone.

And let’s be 100% clear about something. Putting a woman on a pedestal is just another way of dehumanizing her. There comes a time when praise becomes deeply uncomfortable rather than complimentary, and this guy saw that line and fucking pole-vaulted over it.

I went back and forth on how to respond to this. I thought about privately contacting him, which was my usual go-to response when things made me unhappy online. I thought about reblogging it with a simple message to stop contacting me, publicly for once so people would finally know how I felt about all this. (There was a point when people were actually straight up “shipping” me with my stalker (their words), so I knew the dangers of letting the illusion of closeness hang out in public where people who didn’t know our private history would see it.) In the end, I just ignored it and hoped he’d get the fucking picture.

Spoilers: he didn’t. He contacted me several more times, asking for meta and fic again. I answered one ask, out of that sickly guilty feeling I always get when I don’t respond to fandom asks and because it actually was information that I wanted to convey to my followers, and then just...stopped replying to any. Honestly, I wish I hadn’t even replied to that one ask because I fear that it encouraged him. He stopped sending me asks for a little while, but then I started getting anon asks that -- well, obviously I can’t prove anything, but the guy’s asks were always pretty easy to pick out of a crowd, so I had my suspicions. In the end, I was getting stressed out whenever I saw him in fandom (and disagreed with like...100% of his headcanons and fandom thoughts) and I didn’t want to have to worry about if he really was sending me anon messages, so I blocked him. Like the last thing I need is paranoia. I barely ever block people on tumblr, so this was a hard decision for me. But yeah, after several months of weird messages, I blocked him.

Going forward.... idk man. idek what I want. After I blocked him, he couldn’t bother me anymore, so that was good enough for rme. I blacklisted his name, which unfortunately blacklisted a lot of fanworks -- he tends to get his groupie on with other fan creators in the karabita fandom, so he sends asks to people ALL THE TIME and so a lot of fanworks have his name in the post -- and for the most part didn’t see him all that often. But then a whole bunch of things (detailed in other posts) happened in short order and between my realization that resolving my stalker situation privately allowed him to flourish in fandom and the fact that suddenly I could not fucking escape this guy, I started considering going public with my own discomfort. I don’t want anyone else to find themselves in the weird, uncomfortable situation I was in.

At the same time, though, like I said... The guy’s username is in all kinds of fan content posts. After a couple of followers approached me privately to get the story on the guy who was clearly stressing me out, they asked me if I wanted them to stop reblogging posts that contained his asks, especially ones that have screenshots of the asks and therefore can’t be blocked. And part of me really doesn’t want to see those things, but even more of me believes that to be desperately unfair towards the people who make fanworks that just happen to be associated with him. So like. Don’t do that. Please do not make any callout posts or harass anyone involved with this, either. I 100% do not condone fandom dogpiling.

I guess I’ll just tell you the same thing I told the (new) friend that I saw, to my horror, publicly praising the guy who stalked me for years as “a great friend’. You can be friends with whomever you want, but just know the guy’s done creepy shit. It’s possible that p-f is just socially awkward, like many people in fandom, and he just legit did not get that he was freaking me out. (Despite me, at a couple points, telling him I was uncomfortable.) But I’ve learned the hard way that repeatedly forgiving people who are “socially awkward” can land you in situations where you feel unsafe, and that’s never okay.

So I guess now you know?? I’ve gone over the reasons I hesitated to make this post many times in other posts, and I’ll add one more thing. I blocked p-f. Unless he logs out or someone c/ps this for him, he cannot read this, and he cannot directly defend himself. I do worry over that bc it seems unfair. But at the same time, I’ve come to the point where I’m tired of just not talking about it and privately, politely trying to get people to stop when they make me uncomfortable in fandom. Other people deserve to have fun and feel safe in fandom, but so do I! The fic that a guy wants to read, or his feelings of guilt, or his desire to smooth things over and make me like him -- none of those things take precedence over my own sense of safety and comfort while playing around in a hobby, and the fact that he prioritized those things over my clear discomfort is the biggest red flag of all.

Also, I have him blocked for a reason. I will not be looking at or responding to any reply by him, and please do not try to ferry messages between us. I will block you, too, bc I will no longer be able to trust you to respect my boundaries. (Again, that’s something I had to deal with when I finally spoke up about the guy who’d been sending me upwards of 50 messages a day on like 10 different platforms, going to places I liked IRL to find “traces of me”, trying to become friends with my friends so we’d run into each other in social environments, and publicly planning play dates for our future children -- and it tore me to bits when I lost friends that way.)

thank you if you read all this, and I hope you have a good night.

[gojosgf]

the lil things that happened to me, bc im tired of just kind of lying about it. i will never reblog this but ill never delete it.

tbh me having struggled in my life are quite still fresh on me, considering i lived with not knowing i had dyspraxia until late highschool years n it was like.. oh uve been pushed into this dilemma sorry we got to it so late n cant do much but u might not graduate like the rest! n at first i was mad,, but it was my parents fault because they were probably the biggest factor in my esteem and idea of myself and being extremely religious they were conservative within themselves so like me saying i may so have a disorder on top of another  disorder that i refused to tell them bc they already ruled out that people with disabilities were possessed n unless i wasnt in a chair n had a speech impediment i didnt fit the bill of having a disability. but whenever i brought it up they shunned it. 

i feel like i didnt get that much support back when i was younger, however no one approached me enough to actually have proof on that so it was always me against the rest. also being dejected to racial bullying which also considered anti-blackness against me in the private school i used to go to i felt like a wreck i never was in a good state there, and i was always labelled as the weird one my grades were bad all along with my delusions on other things to where it was the first time i a first grader was sexually harrassed and then later in the year i reinvented the expireince in my head and blamed a kid for touching my leg even tho im sure he didnt i got my lesson tho bc i was threatened by the principal

i feel like it was i moved to a public school that things just didn't work for me along with being abused and of other things but i was also socially aware by then on me being the pastors child meant for me that i was always treated diff than others and even with church kids i was always a diff air there was hostility between me and them. thus i can admit i really never had any friends at all, just people to talk to but i feel like in random times it really showed i had no friends like when i use to eat in the bathroom but all the while my appreance ruined and i felt horrible about myself

tbh it was about freshman year that i realized that i was always not letting mysekf have that break have that allowance to just be me after being told so many times that it wasnt “ valid “ by parents by social things n by school n i feel like i wilted. i wilted whenever i acted like my parents abuse physically and mentally didnt hurt me, what i hated the most was how i always felt like id learn a lesson from this and grow strong n i did but not when it came to me?

thats why i always seeked to help other people out other than my own problems? i was so used to letting myself be a refugee camp for other peoples wars but never myself i was so okay with embracing other peoples pains but stepped over mines? truthfully it was bc of this aunt who embraced me when i young and vulnerable and treated me like the mom i never had, but when she left me i just felt so inhumane. what was worst that there’s never a way to not forget her, because an expirience with her left a mark on me. when i was six i fell and cracked open my toe and scared my eyebrow and she was there healing me and promising me empty things that i gulped down like a flower in need of light. and a little hope in me thot maybe someone like that could come again but they didnt and in fact when one did they took advantage of me in a car 

i dont know why but i hate how embrace it with open arms, and try not to let it get to me on nights alone. i think its bc when it happened n i came like a mess to my parents who screamed at me and made me feel like i was the one at fault i just automatically fell into that agreement. which is why i never harmed myself back then just allowed cries on cries.

i kind of looked at people who did harm themselves better in a stupid way, like wow there really going thru something and in crying about something stupid i shouldnt think like that i should stop crying and improve myself

but i never did

and i just let myself rot in that form of forgiving cruelty and a thorned idea of apathy when i was wreck of just wanting to be accepted in anything. the validation of just being youre okay theres nothing wrong with it but whenever i posted a thing about my life i chickened out and deleted it too worried about people thinking i wanted some attention

theres been so many times ive come on this website a complete wreck and acting like i just came out having a fresh good day whered id be in chats giggling along but close to overdosing myself in the bathroom it was also another notion of people who actually needed me to like my friend vex who had been taken advantage of by a prick n im rarely there for them now bc of predicaments im in now it made me scared the idea of leaving them for my selfish thinkings

tbh i still think this way thats why me posting this is a big deal to me because i never do this and never come out. 

i dont want any comforting words or asks about it i just want it to be here acknowledged or not i want to have this small peace with myself.

[afearing]

since apparently theres no consequences for delivering unto this website extremely long and good takes i will present to you my hot take on the ace d'escourse, with no sources because I Dont Feel Like It. its more words than is reasonable bc i have been stewing in this for like 4 years and if i dont type it out at some point im going to fucking lose it. no, literally, it’s 3 pages long in word about shit no one cares about anymore. please remember to like and subscribe.

some background on me, i id’d as ace for something like 8 years, from the first time i read the wikipedia page on it back in maybe 2009 or thereabouts. i also id’d as aro for about a year in 2016. that is to say, i have a lot of compassion and understanding for asexual individuals and feel i understand the inclusionist side of the argument pretty well, as i never questioned inclusionism until maybe 2014 or so, when the discourse blew up. i took some time off tumblr because i was so fucking distraught to think that, as i id’d as aroace at the time, that i had to come to terms with not being lgbt. lol i was a little too attached to being ‘gay’ because... fun fact, past dumbass self... you are gay. anyway, i really dont want anyone to feel that i hate them, but after i cooled off a little bit i realized that the exclusionist take on asexuality just makes more sense. hopefully i can explain why clearly enough.

i really believe that what is understood as aphobia is 100% of the time simply a manifestation of our culture’s expectations surrounding sexuality. while “expectations surrounding sexuality” as a very broad topic does indeed cover both the lgbt community and people on the ace spectrum, facing these issues does NOT make a person lgbt. i subscribe to the idea that lgbt is for people targeted directly by homophobia and transphobia. ace issues ARE super important to talk about and the whole inclus/exclus nonsense is entirely because this discourse has been put under the wrong category. im aware that probably most people will not care that much about my opinion on the correct framing of asexual activism as i no longer id as ace but i think this is important for everyone. sexual expectations also weigh on straight individuals, especially women, and i’m going to describe a few examples to try to demonstrate why i believe both that it doesn’t make sense to consider asexuality lgbt as well as why it does make sense to frame it as an issue based mainly in misogyny.

call out post for myself, i use reddit, and i think the r/childfree community is a good example of what i think the framing should be like. although it’s acknowledged that not wanting children has larger social consequences for women, both men and women talk about their issues in the forum, including horrific accounts of reproductive coercion and rape, the intersections with race/being lgbt/ageism (although they could do a LOT better with intersectionality, many posters do touch upon it), profoundly cruel comments made by those who have/want children, difficulty finding an understanding relationship partner, discrimination at work, misunderstandings and even hatred from family and acquaintances, discrimination in healthcare, etc.

i think you can tell where i’m going with this. even though being childfree cuts against the expectations for sexuality in most societies, even though it leads to unfair judgment from others, and even though they face discrimination on the basis of the way they express their sexuality, childfree people do NOT frame parenthood/childfreedom as an axis of oppression, nor do they claim that their lack of desire for children makes them lgbt. it’s not even a question if straight childfree people are straight, because duh? nor if the presence of lgbt childfree people makes the whole community fall under the lgbt umbrella, because it obviously doesn’t.

to drive the point home, the reason why this is NOT an axis of oppression is because parents face a ton of issues as well! they also face reproductive coercion as well as judgment over the number of kids they have, constant scrutiny and moralization over every aspect of their parenthood style, judgment based on parents’ age/wealth/sexuality/marital or dating status/race, housing and employment discrimination, especially for mothers, the government hating poor parents and cutting their benefits, and more i’m sure i’m not thinking of. again, this is due to societal expectations of sexuality. to complete the analogy, people who aren’t ace face their own set of challenges and discrimination. part of homophobia/biphobia is tinged with hatred of our sexual attraction; no one except for straight white men is allowed to really express their sexuality without backlash, and even then there is this shame leading to a lack of proper sex ed and horribly unhealthy understandings of sexual attraction in a large portion of the populace. so calling aphobia an axis of oppression is just not right. and in addition, the large proportion of lgbt aces doesn’t make asexuality lgbt, that’s not how groups work.

some more on what i mean by ‘expectations around sexuality’... in terms of my experience in the US, there is some blueprint in many people’s minds of what a person should be like in terms of sexuality, and that is something like “cishet, abled man, who is neither ace nor aro, who gets laid regularly (but not to excess) starting no later than 18 and ending no later than 28 when he settles down with one cishet abled wife, also neither ace nor aro, who has only had sex with up to three committed boyfriends, and they have precisely two children, approximately two years apart in age, whom the parents can financially and emotionally support to the utmost, because they are also moderately to very well off, and the parents work under traditional gender roles to raise their children as conventionally as possible.” and if you deviate from this script in ANY way that’s viewed with moral panic and scrutiny by someone. and the connection to misogyny is that women are seen as sort of the bastions of sexual morality. we are punished especially harshly for nonconformity.

if you’re poor you’re fucked because either you don’t have kids or you can’t send them off to private schools and feed them fancy organic shit. if you’re lgbt or polyamorous or aro or ace? fucked! if you dare to reproduce as a disabled person, and if your disability impacts your parenthood, especially for women, you’re practically crucified even in liberal circles. if you have too few kids or too many (don’t you know only kids turn out weird? / how can you possibly raise 5 children properly?), if you have too much sex or too little, if you split up the work in your relationship not along gender lines, if you do unconventional things in your parenthood, like accept your trans kids or move a lot or any number of other things, the social judgment rains down like the fires of fucking hell. meaning practically no one can escape it!! huge bonus to the screaming crowd with pitchforks if you’re a person of color or a woman, mega ultra bonus to women of color.

but does that make everyone i just talked about lgbt? no! although every single one of the groups i mentioned is tangentially related through this issue, even though all of them face a lot of horrible problems and discrimination, that does not make those issues inherently lgbt. again, they are tangentially related and i could see a good case for solidarity among many of the groups mentioned; all of them are fighting for greater acceptance of different kinds of relationships, greater acceptance of seeking happiness and being who you are rather than pressuring everyone to conform as much as possible to the LifeScript. but all of those groups are equally related to the lgbt community - that is, tangentially only. just as you can be childfree and straight, a stay-at-home dad and straight, a straight woman of color, so too can you be polyamorous and straight, ace and straight, or aro and straight.

that’s it for my main point. ace and aro people? your lives are hard. i’m not going to downplay it in any way because i know there are a lot of people who actually hate your guts. fuck, i’ve seen people full-on shittalk asexuality, in the internet and real life, in the most blatant of ways, so it’s not just something you can necessarily escape by logging off. not as much so for aro people tbh but i predict as much once the Public gets more wind of your existence. i fully believe that you face a higher risk of sexual assault; discrimination in relationships, housing, and the workplace; horrible comments from everyone who thinks their shitty opinion on your sexuality and love life matters; and I believe you that that hurts and is terrible and that you deserve a place to discuss and provide support.

but. those issues are not exclusive to you. they’re not exclusive to lgbt people, or oppressed people, and so those issues don’t and cannot make you lgbt, nor do they make ace/aro vs. allo an axis of oppression. our communities intersect, yes, considerably, but you are not a subset of lgbt. perhaps our rhetoric can help you, but because straight ace and aro people exist you cannot and should not consider yourselves lgb+. i think you understand that the issues you face are a form of oppression, but they are the result of the toxic and misogynistic sex culture in this society, which, yes, targets lgbt people but also, practically everyone, including groups which are definitively absolutely not inherently lgbt, such as parents, gnc straight people, poc, disabled people, the list goes on.

to conclude, what really converted me to being an ace exclusionist was the example of a straight grey or demi ace. how could you possibly argue that someone who falls in love with the opposite gender only, but with more conditions or less frequently than someone not aspec, is lgb+, can call themselves queer, etc.? exactly what material reality does that person share with a gay or bi person? i think that their issues fall in line with aspec community issues but extremely clearly not at all with lgbt ones. 

the end but post script since i brought up orientation modifiers: perhaps it isn’t my place to say, but i don’t think that microlabels are very healthy and that it would make more sense for the ace community to work on expanding the idea of what sexuality is than to try to create a label to describe every single person’s experience of their sexuality. not that i think you should necessarily kick grey ace people out of the aspec community or that they’re not valid or whatever, but that perhaps it makes more sense to say that some people experience sexual attraction less frequently, and that’s alright. i don’t know.  i spent sophomore year of high school poring over those mogai blogs looking for some new orientation label that would make me go like, oh my god that’s me! and believing that if those labels helped people feel that way they weren’t doing any harm. but what actually finally made me feel like that was expanding my understanding of what attraction is and a better conception of lesbian issues and why i might feel so disconnected from my sexuality and why i might be obsessing over every interaction with a guy looking for signs i was attracted to him but feel super disgusted whenever they exhibited interest in me. i spent so long trying to go like maybe im cupioromantic lithsexual and feeling terrified that that i had such a weird and esoteric sexuality that no one could ever possibly understand enough to be in a relationship with me... like, ok dyke! i know a lot of people have had similar experiences and i don’t think i know a whole ton of people now in college who are still doing that, which makes me think those labels are more harmful than not. 

i guess that’s anecdotal but it’s easier for me to believe that a person could cling to those labels due to internalized homophobia than actually have a new form of sexuality heretofore undiscovered throughout all human history, but that’s just me. and so many of them just sound so unhealthy, like dreadsexual. i really wish people would work on expanding what not being asexual can mean and look like and i dont think there would be this drive to create these labels anymore. even demisexual which i think is probably the most mainstream conditional orientation, i think many people who have never heard of it and are perfectly content not to would describe the way they experience sexuality a similar way and just consider it normal. sexual attraction isn’t necessarily having your nethers set aflame upon first making eye contact with someone, it looks different for every person and it’s alright to just be how you are without making it part of your whole identity.

The End II. this is 2,200 words. if you read this far you’re a fucking mad l- *the academy cuts my mic line while looking directly at the camera like in the office*

[viralhottopics]

7 Famous White Feminists Im So Over

The Urban Dictionary

White Feminism is nowa popular term owing to the abundance of white celebs taking advantage of the movement to further their own interestand career, usually without extending female solidarity or tackling relevant social issues such as trans-womens rights, Hollywoods whitewashing, invisibility of the disabled, police brutality, cultural appropriation, or institutional racism.

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While this type of feminism raises a certain level of awareness to SOME feminist issues, it is harmful in that it paints a negative picture of the overall movement and thusgives dumb, ignorant boys an excuse to create sexist memes so they can call anyone who gets offended as Do not misunderstand me, I do not blame White Feminism as the sole reason why people, especially on the internet, immediately reject the importance and essence of feminism (sad online gnomes who are super bored with their lives and are desperate to be edgy should be held accountable for their own short-sightedness). My point is I would be very unglad if young women were led to believe by their idols that womens rights, solidarity, and empowerment are purely about #squadgoals, #actlikeaman, and #fuckdiets.

Rebecca Vorick, Feminism 101: What Is White Feminism?

Whether as individuals or celebrities, I dont hate the women that I will listbelow, but I do loathe their rejection of intersectional feminism, their habit of whining towards critics, and their collective willfulinabilityto acknowledge andlearn from their white privileged ways.

So here I present to you the role models for White Feminism and why they hella suck:

The Holy Trinity

1. Amy Schumer

Meghan Demaria

The first time I discovered Amy was from her movie after it got rave reviews from critics despite her character being obnoxiousas hell. Hollywood was abuzz with this funny, feminist, body-positive woman. Then I came across this article on her racist antics specifically about her controversial video parody of Beyoncs pro-black . I googled more and found out shes said a ton of racially insensitive things such as that time she joked Mexican men are rapists;or when she was bummed because no lesbians hit on her at a lesbian bar (was she thinking or what?); or when she implied men of color cat-call women more than white men do.

– If your career is built at the expense of minorities whom you mock and dehumanize, then your comedy is probably lazy, gross, and stale tbh. To quote Nathan Robinson but Amys jokes, as the Guardian explains,

If people pointout repeatedly you are racist and you can only respond along the lines of MAYBE you should self-reflectand make an effort to see WHY youre constantly criticized for your tasteless words instead of issuing another hollow Amys PR apologies, like many forced White Feminist apologies, count for nothing until she stops making feebleminded jokes that cater exclusively to a white American audience. Contrary to what Amy has claimed, she doesnt take responsibility for her words and doesnt use criticism against her in order to evolve as an artist and person. Instead she firmly stands her ground, proceeds to produce the same tired material, and shouts

TLDR, Amy, making and being slightly chubby does not a feminist make. No volume of laughter can drown out the fact youre a racist.

2. Lena Dunham

Lena, Lena, Lena. Oh, god, where do I begin?

Rebecca Carroll

If White Feminism were a video game, Lena Dunham would be that aggravating, seemingly unbeatable self-entitled boss villain at the end of the game that suddenly comes alive after you defeat it, cackling at you as it escapes into Video Game Part 2. Without her, the other mini-bosses might not have been enabled. She is the head of the White Feminist hydra whose foot-in-the-mouth diseasereaches far and wide.

"White Feminism" BINGO card. I have experienced ALL of these. Ugh. (From feministbingocards on Tumblr) http://pic.twitter.com/rUo4JubVeO

— Trudy (@thetrudz) February 6, 2015

Which brings me to why shes tied with Amy and why she is THE poster child for White Feminism (I only placed Amy first because I personally find her more unbearable). Because Lena, Amy, and friends are praised as feminist heroines, they and their careers get away virtually unscathed ifthey carelessly make racist, homophobic, or transphobic remarks. While Amy is guilty of proudly creating insipid humor, Lenas affronts are more unsettling.

Shes incredibly narcissistic as shown when she ranted (as in seriously, as in not a joke) about being offended by a black man not flirting with her and when she confessed shed never had an abortion but wished she had one (gurl, there are other ways to drawawareness on an issue without making it about yourself); her tv show supposedly represents feminism but only casts white girls and downplays sexual assault;she repeatedly objectifies black male bodies;she stated unbelievably ignorant gibberish about India and penned a sexist essay on Japan;she tweeted a racist joke about Asians; her view towards Rihannas abusive relationshipis perplexing; she doesnt acknowledge her success was heavily influenced by her wealthy familys connections; and she may have outed her sister to their parents without consent.

Theres also the questionable incident with said sister that Lena wrote of in her book I mean kids do weird crap and girls should be allowed to discover and explore their bodies and do naive stuff, but IDK what to sayabout this one so Ill just quote this anonymous comment on Jezebels article:

And this one by redditor scdi:

Plus this one by Victoria Brownworth:

While Im all for women being shameless in their self-love, theres nothing really new or groundbreaking with Lenas capitalist-centric feminism. Her work has indisputably raisedthe spotlight on important womens issues such as abortion and sexual autonomy, but is that enough given the harm shes done to feminism, to people of color, to LGBTQ+? She invites women to support her and her show because girl power, but hasnt bothered to address intersectionality and diversity, much less internalize any negative comments towards her regarding the above-mentioned stunts.

Lena Dunhams feminism is tone deaf. Theres nothing empowering about a classist, rich, privileged white girl who, like her counterpart Amy, contributes nothing profound or of actual substance for womens issues and is averse to improving her advocacy. I just I cant anymore. Lena, please ssssh.

If youre like me and youre done with Lena DONEham, check out some of the silly things shes saidhere.

3. Taylor Swift

My problematic fave! Who knew she was trouble when she walked in? T-Swizzles damsel-in-distress feminism may not be as toxic as Lena Dunhams, but its still clear as dishwater.

Taylor primarily rose as a status symbol for geeky shy girls, but even then people were already dissing Americas sweetheart. Somewhere along the way it became uncool to hate on Tay-Tay (whether legitimately or not), especially after Kanye stole her moment during the 2009 VMA.

Alas, regardless how polished and sweet your public persona is, if theres dirtunder all that sugar itll inevitably seep through bit by bit.Besides,any person who learns his/her feminism from Lena Dunham should not be trusted.

Ill sayTaylor is a hypocrite. Once upon a time she asserted she was not a feminist until one day she realized feminism is prettyradand helps her brandas an artist(plus it can be handy to dismiss your critics as). Of course its perfectly fine to change your opinion as you mature and learn from your initially confused view of feminism, but weve yet to see Taylor own up her missteps and strive for change.

She built an empire by portraying an angelic female whose biggest enemy is the sexualother female who steals her mans attention, and she exemplified this when she shit on Camille Belles career because Camille dated Taylors ex. She called her clique of BFFs to film a music video to drag Katy Perry after a feud. She accused Nicki Minaj of thereby overshadowingNickis discussion on her legitimate struggles as a black female artist and yet its Taylors character thats being assassinated? K.

Additionally, Taylor seems to be unaware of her privilege as a white woman; she culturally appropriates POC and uses them as props in her videos; her #squad is not inclusive; and her latest drama with Kanye contributes to the stereotypeof the angry black man vsthe innocent, faultless white woman. She also contendsthat if you are female and you do not support her, then there is aspecial place in hellfor you. Her self-serving feminism needs work because her white privilege is showing (and probably stressing out her PR team) and her constantly being marketed as a modern feminist despite her problematic-ness may detrimentally impact her young, impressionable fans.

For more examples of Taylor Swifts misguided feminism, I compiled a page of quotes on Quote Catalog which you can view by clicking here.

Honorable Mentions

4. Tina Fey

Jamie Peck

Tina, while undoubtedly very talented and funny, has stated in a 2009 Vanity Fair interview that (after her husband visited a strip club) she disapproves of strippers because “we need to be better than that”.Meanwhile she has no qualms about slamming sex workers as the punch line to her jokes. Self-worth does not equate to modesty, Tina!

Besides these, shewas complicit in a cast members terminationfrombecausethe actresswas not conventionally attractive. Then there was that episode from her other show that bordered on racist and the other one that parodied a famous doctors appearance which may or may not haveaddedto the doctors depression.

Ill sum this up with a post from blacklamb:

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5. Jennifer Lawrence

Ugh.

I wouldnt have included J. Law here but thenshe wrote that patronizing open letter about the US Presidential elections expressing that loving your neighbors was the answer to ending racial violence.

While were here, Ill point out she says a lot of dumb shitbelievingshes being quirky (like that time she roasted a foreign reporter for using his phones translator) when shes actually being an asshole. Recently she alsodesecrated and destroyed a sacred Hawaiian relic by scratching her butt on it because, again, she thought it was funny even after guides specifically asked herNOT to touch said relics. Ha. Ha. Ha. I guess?

Hopefully Hollywood realizes feminism isnt mainly about women eating pizzaandnot being a size zero.

6. Miley Cyrus

White Feminism, whats good?

Like every other proper White Feminist, Miley Cyrus uses the movement for her own agenda, exploits people of color, and remains mum on important topics such as Black Lives Matter. She is kind of an expert in perpetuating misogynoir and appropriating black culture. Like shes so good at profiting from black people and reformulating black culture into her own style (then whitesplaining about it) that Nicki Minaj called her out on the 2015 VMA stage.

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Thankfully, Mileys antics seems to have simmered down recently. Lets hope other White Feministstake heed.

7. Meryl Streep / Caitlyn Jenner / Tilda Swinton

This last one was confusing. Thereare just too many White Feminists to choose from! So I mergedthree instead.

Remember that time Meryl Streep erased black peoples struggles by saying or when Caitlyn Jenner (as important as her visibility is) transitioned butdenied that same right forother trans-people?; or when Tilda Swinton broke my GOT-fan-girl heart by playing the asian-friend card with Margaret Choto make herself feel better about accepting a role as a whitewashed character?

Hollywood is flocking with White Feminists who range from annoying to problematic to downright toxic. As much as Western Media tries to shove them down my throat as exceptional feminist figures, they do not successfully represent my generation, my gender or genders issues, or my feminism.

Alternatives?

If you want some examples of non-White Feminists, see: Zendaya, Angela Davis, Ariana Grande, Laverne Cox, Mia Mingus, bell hooks, Malala Yousafzai, Matt McGorry (yes, males can be good feminists, too),Amandla Stenberg, Carrie Fisher, etc.

Some of you may complain but pleaseread the sources. I encourage everyone, especially dissenters, to first click the links above if you have questions regarding the incidents, people, or statements written. The thought pieces/web pages the links lead to will likely be able to address your queries and offer more context and in-depth analysis regarding specific issues.

We need to become responsible for actively educating ourselves rather thanjeering should a feminist raise a concern. On the other hand, although its easy to call out White Feminists and leave it at that, this by itself will not help advance the feminist movement or strengthen solidarity. So if you spot a White Feminist, do not just call them out – call them in, too. Encourageothers to practiceintersectionalityand inclusiveness just in case they have not been schooled on the broader philosophies of feminism.

Last notes: critiquing White Feminist celebs does not diminish whatever kindnessthese ladies have done for othersor commendable work theyve accomplished in their fields or in charities (such as Meryls inspirational Golden Globes speech or Taylors altruism for her fans). You can simultaneously be a good celebrity and generous person, and still be a White Feminist.

Iacknowledge the celebrities mentioned may have already offered apologies or addressed certain matters.Thats fine– everybodys activism is messy or imperfect, and it is understandable that a public figures learning process can be more challenging. As long as one isvisibly trying to make an effort to do better it should be okay. Unfortunately most of the people I mentioned dont seem to care much.

Having well-meaning intentions that falter in execution is simply not good enough anymore.

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from 7 Famous White Feminists Im So Over