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your-youthful-mistake · 5 years

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P.S. Меня уже немного заебали эти розовые сопли, но я хочу дойти до истины - до момента боли и разочарований на контрасте с этой эйфорией и счастьем. Я хочу снова плюнуть себе в лицо, чтобы эта хуйня перестала мне сниться. Хочу еще раз понять, что сейчас я более счастлива.

***

15.01.18

После вчерашнего мне снилось, что Илья бросил Элю со словами "нам не о чем говорить" и мы замутили. Просыпаюсь - узнаю, что он ее вчера бросил. А позже днем узнаю от Поли, что я ему якобы нравлюсь. Вечером Эля звонит ему и хочет поговорить, а он при нас отвечает ей ровно теми же словами, что и во сне. ЕЕЕ, ВЕЩИЕ СНЫ!

Я пока хз, вроде он мне тоже нравится, но спешить не буду.

(напиздела, на самом деле тогда за три дня втюрилась уже)

***

19.01.18

Сидели с Ирой в кафе. Мне написал Илюша и она сразу заметила, как я расплылась в нелепой улыбочке.

Когда к нам присоединилась Настя и я ей рассказала все, ее реакция меня убила: она прокомментировала это как "Я хочу лаваш без шаурмы".

***

19.01.18

Очень "тонкие" намеки из нашей ночной переписки:

1) я: это же т9

Он: зато "хочу тебя" он всегда знает как писать

Я: ну т9 лучше знает, что ты хочешь)

Он: тебя?)

Я: тебе лучше знать, какую тебя ты имеешь ввиду))

Он: можно подкатить?)

Я: ну го))

Он: пока что нашел в голове только одну "тебя"

2) он: *кидает песню "Макс Корж - Стань"*

Я: красивая песня❤

Он: красивая как ты❤

Я: *засмущал*

Полчаса та самая нелепая улыбка не слазила с моего лица.

***

Вроде все радужно, да? Но пиздец скоро будет, подождите))

***

20.01.18

Нас шипперят все друзья, умиляются, кажется, больше нас

***

21.01.18

Встретили во время прогулки Элю и она какого-то хуя увязалась за нами. Честно, вытурила бы ее нахуй, она тут всех бесила.

Но зато потом посидела у Илюши на ручках, уиии

***

22.01.18

Смотрели с Илюшей 50 оттенков серого и впервые поцеловались, провели так весь вечер. Потом он провожал меня на маршу и мы встретили Элю. Ее недовольную мину надо было видеть *злорадство*

***

Я ЖЕ ГОВОРИЛА Я СУЧКА ЕЩЁ ТА

***

23.01.18

Схожу с ума! Я - наркоман! Наркоман, у которого ломки из-за недодоза. Хочу очередную дозу Илюши!

При встрече Илья сказал, что "нам нужно подождать", и меня это так выбесило. Типа все было слишком спонтанно и т.д.

Когда курили с Юлей (его лучшая подруга), она сказала, что это все из-за Эли, чтобы она нам ничего не портила и все такое.

Из-за этой ситуации весь день на нервах.

***

26.01.18

Когда он провожал меня на маршрутку, я спросила, что там по поводу наших отношений. Он ответил, что "просто хотел немного подождать", и поцеловал меня на прощание. *Нарисовано дохуя сердечек*

***

28.01.18

Он так мило кусается.

***

28.01.18

Илюша сказал, что не собирается скрывать свои отношения "из-за какой-то ебучей Эли". Как приятно было слышать эти слова)

***

ИИИИИ НА СЛЕДУЮЩИЙ ДЕНЬ ВСЕ ПОШЛО ПО ПИЗДЕ

***

29.01.18

В школе Илья морозился и мы почти не общались. Будто этого всего между нами не было! В этот же вечер написал: "Маша, давай разойдемся". И все.

Впервые плакала из-за парня. Даже не любовь, что уж тут, просто сильно привязалась к этим ночным перепискам и милому общению.

***

03.02.18

Всю неделю жру успокоительные, курю сигареты пачками, бухаю как проклятая, не могу слушать музыку (весь плейлист - сплошные воспоминания).

Вся соль еще в том, что он опять сошелся с Элей. После всего. После всего, что он о ней наговорил. И после всего, что было между нами.

Сидела у Иры, поедала бананы со сгущенкой, и даже они вызывали у меня эти блядские воспоминания.

#воспоминания #отношения #подростки #дневник

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stupidnephilimlove · 6 years

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Office Hours P15

Tagging @irisphryneadler @kindaresilient @ifthingsgetcrazy & @shiningalec as always. Read on ao3. Or start at the beginning.

Magnus keeps texting over Christmas, and they just carry on right into January. Magnus arranges for Alec to meet Cat.

Magnus (10.01.18 7:27 PM): How’s the 3rd of Feb to meet with Cat?

Alec (10.01.18 7:28 PM): The 3rd is perfect. Just let me know when and where and I’m there.

They talk about random things. Like the books Alec’s been reading.

Alec (15.01.18 9:07 AM): I got addicted to the author of Adept, but somehow all their other work is more chilling!

Magnus (15.01.18 9:15 AM): Well, thanks for the warning. I don’t think Chairman Meow will appreciate me sleeping with the light on again.

The new class Magnus is teaching.

Magnus (22.01.18 3:54 PM): It’s official. I hate first years. I’m sure I was never that annoying as a freshman.

Alec (22.01.18 3:56 PM): Oh no, what are they doing? Pretty sure I was the most bookish freshman ever.

Magnus (22.01.18 3:58 PM): Oh really? Showing up not a little late… but halfway through a lecture! Just walking in like they’re right on time. Had to pull a few of them up on it. Honestly, I’d rather they didn’t come at all than disrupt me like that.

Alec sends Magnus tales about his crazy siblings and Magnus replies with ones about his crazier cat.

Alec (27.01.18 7:05 AM): Izzy just heated her cornflakes in the microwave. I can’t decide if she did it on purpose or not. Dunno which is worse.

Magnus (27.01.18 7:11 AM): That is… a little strange. Then again, Chairman Meow is currently licking the lampshades, the same way he does every morning.

Alec (27.01.18 7:12 AM): I guess we both just have crazy housemates.

Alec feels giddy with every text he receives. He spends his days constantly distracted, just waiting for a reply from Magnus, and as soon as he gets one he’s instantly replying. It’s as if they’re dating, and Alec, on more than one occasion has had to remind himself that they’re not. They’re not even friends.

While the texting is fun, Alec wants to see Magnus in person. Alec hasn’t been in the same room as Magnus since December and he’s not sure how he’s managed to survive. But as Alec sits in the little coffee shop, he’s thankful the wait is over. Nerves flutter in his stomach as he waits and his palms are sweaty. He wipes them on his trousers and tries to compose himself.

He was early, ridiculously so, so he spent an hour or two (or three) in the library. He wasn’t able to get any work done though. Too excited for this meeting. And then the door opens, and Magnus is pushing through it, eyes scanning the shop until they land on Alec. Has Alec really been living off his memories of Magnus for all this time? Because they can’t do Magnus justice. Not at all.

Alec’s made a study of Magnus’ wardrobe, but he’s never seen Magnus wearing anything like this before. A blue tunic, with silver metallic thread woven through it, hangs open in a deep V, allowing Alec to get a glimpse of Magnus’ firm chest. Long chains drape around Magnus’ neck drawing Alec’s eyes to that expanse of bare skin.

Alec manages not to drool as Magnus walks over. Though, it’s a close call. He forces his eyes up to meet Magnus’.

“Hello, Alexander,” Magnus says as he nears the table.

Alec scrambles to stand, then wonders what the fuck he did that for. He holds out a hand. The gesture has Magnus raising a brow but he accepts it. And would the floor just swallow Alec whole already?

“Hi,” Alec manages to get out.

Alec savours the feel of Magnus’ fingers wrapped around his own, the grip is firm and it sends pin prickles of sensation skittering along his arm.

“Coffee?” Magnus asks, but before Alec can refuse, Magnus’ eyes dart to the table. “No, you’ve got one. I’ll be a minute.”

And then he’s walking away and Alec’s going to need more than a minute to find some kind of equilibrium. Alec’s eyes are glued to Magnus as he walks away and Alec can’t help but watch as Magnus flirts good-naturedly with the staff, it’s clear they know each other. He just can’t drag his eyes away, and he’s still standing there. Fuck, why is he still standing there? Alec hurriedly sits in his chair, picks up his drink and instantly scalds his tongue.

It takes a few minutes for Magnus’ order to be made which gives Alec some time to compose himself. By the time Magnus takes a seat at the table, Alec’s got a handle on his desire. Mostly. It’s like the first time Alec ever saw Magnus, desire overwhelming him without warning. Being able to see Magnus weekly, Alec’s perhaps become desensitised to it. But now that he’s been deprived for weeks, it’s like it’s just been accumulating, waiting to hit him all at once.

“How’s your semester going so far?” Magnus asks. “Don’t remember which courses you’ve got this semester.”

Alec lists off his courses, then adds, “History 104 as well.”

Magnus sucks in a breath. “Aldertree?”

“Yeah.” Though it’s only one word, he knows he sounds as resigned as he feels about that whole course.

“It’s not going well?”

Alec means to say ‘ it’s going fine’ , but when he opens his mouth, those aren’t the words that come out. “I had some questions, and I went to his office to ask during the directed hours and he wasn’t even there. So… I emailed him and he never responded. Then this week... he made some comment… about how ‘everything that’s needed to pass this course is covered in the lecture ’. Apparently, he doesn’t ‘ believe in holding student’s hands’ through the course.”

So, it turns out that Alec might have some feelings about Aldertree. A simmering pit of frustration he’s been trying to not hold on to, and it just spills out of him, assaulting Magnus.

Magnus takes it well though, nodding in agreement. “Aldertree has a dislike of anyone whose major isn’t history... I’ve heard he’s purposefully obtuse with those taking the course for credit.”

Well, fuck. He signed up for these courses for extra credit, not to fail.

“Ugh… Maybe I should drop it. Can’t really afford to fail a class this close to graduation,” Alec says, thinking out loud.

Alec tries to recall the date for dropping a course. It’s not really as simple as that though because then he’ll have to find another course to pick up that isn’t already full. Then he’ll have to catch up on the weeks he’s missed. Or if there isn’t another course he’ll have to postpone his graduation.

“Got a copy of the course schedule?” Magnus asks.

“Yeah.”

“With you?”

Alec digs around in his book bag. He’s sure he has it; he was looking at it in the library earlier. There, Alec pulls it from his bag and slides it across the table. Magnus looks at it for a while.

“Hmm… okay, I can help you out,” Magnus eventually says.

“You can?” Alec’s reminded that Magnus might just be the most perfect person in the world.

“Yeah,” Magnus is about to continue but then someone calls his name from the door.

“Magnus,” a woman says, and Alec assumes this must be Cat.

“I’ll text you about it later,” Magnus tells Alec before he rises from the table and presses a kiss to the woman’s cheek.

“Cat,” Magnus greets. “This is Alexander.”

Alec stands too, and Cat raises an eyebrow as she gives him an assessing look. What is it with Magnus’ friends looking at him like they’re trying to figure him out?

“Alec is fine,” Alec says as he holds out a hand. Cat shakes it.

“It’s lovely to meet you, Alec. Drink?” she says, and her voice is warm and lovely.

“I’m good,” Alec tells her.

“Me too,” Magnus says. “In fact, now you’ve met I’ll head off. Don’t want me hovering.”

Alec, as always, wishes Magnus would never leave, and he savours the last few minutes of their time together while Cat orders a drink.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Magnus says to Cat before walking away and Alec’s eyes linger as Magnus does. And just, wow! Had Alec really thought those trousers that distracted him in that test were tight? Because these, well, Alec’s not sure they’re even decent. And when it comes to Magnus Bane, Alec’s given up on trying to control his responses. He knows his stare must be obvious. Especially when he turns to Cat and she’s got this amused smile on her face.

“So, Magnus tells me you’re interested in working in a publishing house?” Cat asks.

“I’ve… um.” Alec flounders for a minute before remembering that Magnus set this up as a favour for him, and he doesn’t want to come off as some bumbling idiot. He doesn’t want to reflect badly on Magnus. “Yeah, I want to be involved in publishing books. I’m just not settled on what role, or like… where my skills would be best utilized.”

That is a good answer, Alec thinks. Well, he hopes.

“Do you write, yourself?”

“A little... for fun in my free time. But I don’t really see myself as a writer.”

Alec uses writing to deal with everything going on in his life. He’s got a number of short stories that have never seen the light of day. They explore discovering sexuality and the way it affects not only the character but the world surrounding them. They’re personal. A little too much of himself in them, and he doesn’t think he’ll ever have the courage to share them. He doesn’t need to.

They talk for a long while, Cat outlining the different roles at most publishing houses, before going into more detail as she explains the job roles that make up Epeolatry.

“What type of books do you like to read?” Cat asks.

“I like to read a bit of everything, you know... But I tend to gravitate towards historical fiction, where it’s a mix of fact and fiction, or I read books with LGBT+ themes. It’s nice to read something you can identify with.”

Alec’s not sure if he should have said that. Not all employers are accepting of different sexual orientations, but Alec doesn’t think Magnus would be good friends with someone who was homophobic. Magnus is always very accepting.

“I adore historical fiction too, I keep trying to get Magnus to head more in that direction with his writing, but he’s firmly rooted in the non-fiction... or so he tells me.” Alec likes the way Cat talks about Magnus with such easy affection. It’s clear the two of them are close. “We’re actually working with a few LGBT authors currently… I guess it’s a pet project of mine.”

“Oh?”

“I think you got it right when you said it’s nice to read things you can identify with.”

Alec processes that. Magnus always used the word partner, never boyfriend or husband and Alec now wonders about Cat’s orientation. Maybe he’ll ask Magnus about it later. He doesn’t want to pry. And fuck, now he’s just expecting to be able to talk to Magnus? This texting thing they’re doing is really messing with his head.

“Anyway…” Cat continues. “It’s a new branch of the business and we’re just starting out. I wonder… maybe it would be beneficial for you to come see the offices and what we do?”

Really?

“That would be okay?” Alec asks.

“Of course. I’m always showing people round, but you could talk with a few of the staff and see whether you think it’s for you.”

Alec considers it for a minute, but he can’t take her up on it.

“Thanks, but… um. Don’t feel like you have to offer because Magnus is your friend,” he tells Cat. He appreciates it, but he just can’t accept it.

Cat shakes her head. “That’s not the reason, Alec.” She leans forward on the table, eyes on his and a smile he can’t identify the meaning of on her lips. “We have some internships in the summer with possible full-time positions, and maybe I’m considering how to get you to apply.”

What? Him? He’s got no experience. Although, that’s probably why internships exist.

“I’m a quick judge of character and I like you. I’m not saying you’ll get the internship, it depends on the application process… but... given our conversation and the things Magnus has said about you…” Wait. Magnus talks about Alec? To his friends? What does that even mean? What does he say? “...I think you’d be a good fit for our company.”

Alec seems to have lost his voice, and Cat must take that for disbelief in what she’s saying because she adds, “Okay, let me make you a promise. If you apply and we take you on, it will be on your own merit.” Then she waves a hand. “Wait... that’s too much... I’m sorry, got carried away.”

Alec has to smile. He really likes her. He can see why Magnus is friends with her.

“The offer to come and look around still stands,” she says.

It’s… well, it’s really sort of perfect. Almost too perfect an opportunity to turn down, but still. He feels hesitant about it.

“I’ll… can I think about it?” Alec asks.

“Of course. Here.” Cat passes him a card and Alec tries to keep his fingers steady as he takes it from her. “Just give me a call. And… though I shouldn’t push it, go take a look at the internship? The application is all online.”

Alec shakes his head with a laugh and gives in. “Okay, I’ll look it up.”

They talk for a little while longer, but about more general things and when Cat leaves Alec turns the card over and over in his fingers. He’s seriously considering her offer.

Magnus (03.02.18 5:27 PM): How’d the meeting go?

Alec (03.02.18 5:28 PM): Well. I think. Cat’s great.

Magnus (03.02.18 5:32 PM): She liked you. Take her up on the offer to look around.

Alec’s a little stumped by that. Magnus must’ve already spoken to Cat to know that.

Magnus (03.02.18 5:33 PM): If you want to. No pressure.

Magnus (03.02.18 5:33 PM): History 104? If you’ve got questions we can meet up next week and I can help?

Alec (03.02.18 5:35 PM): I’m thinking about it. You sure?

Magnus (03.02.18 5:36 PM): Yes, that’s why I offered.

Alec (03.02.18 5:36 PM): Okay. When’s best for you?

Alec doesn’t mention that he’s not on campus on Thursday. He’ll take any opportunity to talk to Magnus.

Magnus (03.02.18 5:37 PM): Monday? I’m free at five.

Magnus (03.02.18 5:37 PM): Or is that too late?

Alec (03.02.18 5:38 PM): No. It’s perfect.

P16 is here

Now Alec just has to break it to Jace that he’ll have to miss their usual Monday night burger and beer. Jace can still go and ogle Maia. He probably wouldn’t even notice Alec was missing.

#malec #malec fic #shadowhunters #professor!magnus #student!alec #oh look i wrote a thing #fic: office hours

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