#16 year old me is thrilled 19 year old me is horrified

[cozypeachtea]

i have some creative writing to do for my final paper in my romance genre class and i was talking to my coworker about how i have no inspiration and she gave me a scenario based off her real life that’s essentially an academic rivals plot and as she was talking all i could see was klance in my brain.

once a voltron fan always a voltron fan is my curse i guess.

anyways considering this very blog used to be a voltron blog before i deleted 99.9% of my posts in a fit of rage back in 2019 it feels fitting that i share that i couldn’t get this hypothetical klance fic out of my head and i am running out of time. so i am literally CURRENTLY WRITING A KLANCE FANFICTION FOR SCHOOL in the year of our lord 2024. and i’m quite honestly having a blast

[sebastbu]

My Top 40 Movies of the Decade

***just my opinion***this list is not set in stone either***

1. 12 Years A Slave (2013)

What Steve McQueen has managed to do with this movie in nothing short of the best thing art is capable of. He takes the horror of humanity and turns it into a heart shattering tale of the best of humanity. A film that could have sunk easily among the brutality it contains, instead soars with Solomon’s survival. It is one of the most life-affirming, uplifting works of art I’ve ever seen. It makes you cry, it makes you shout, it makes you cheer, it makes you breathless. In short, all the things movies are best at. Not just a definitive movie, but a definitive work of art.

2. The Act of Killing (2012)

This has my vote for the best documentary film of all time. What begins as a transfixing profile of the mass murders responsible for the 1965 Indonesian genocide quickly transforms into a Brechtian nightmare as director Joshua Oppenheimer somehow convinces these men to stage scenes for a fake movie reenacting their crimes. As the film progresses you can hardly believe what you’re witnessing. Horrifying, yet you can’t look away. Oppenheimer holds your attention for every second. What’s captured for film here is truly unique, ground-breaking, soul shaking. A statement about the banality of evil as profound as Ardent’s essays. 

3. The Tree of Life (2011)

Malick has reached his final form here. An organic art form, pure cinema, visual poetry, whatever you want to call it. Nothing but a movie could be this. The images he crafts here are as close to a religious experience as I’ve ever had watching a movie, and probably ever will. In exploring childhood memories, Malick’s style perfectly matches his subject manner. He use of ellipsis and fluidity mirrors the way memories flash through our heads. It is as if we are witnessing memory directly, unfiltered. This movie will move you in ways you didn’t know a movie could. 

4. The Social Network (2010)

That Facebook movie? Hell yeah that facebook movie. What Fincher and Sorkin have managed to do is take what could be a standard biopic, or dull tech movie, and made it into an epic tale of betrayal, greed, friendship, coming of age, and identity. Ross and Reznor’s score pulses, as does the dialogue. This movie starts the instant you press play and it doesn’t let you catch your breath for one second until the very end. Endlessly quotable, perfected acted. A masterclass.

5. The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)

What can I say about this movie? Every shot is perfect. Every joke, beat, pan, zoom. Well, I guess I’ll say this. This movie disarms with its charm, its facade. But at its heart is a wrenching tale of loss, nostalgia, and the fleeting nature of everything, especially those we love. A jewel of a film. Anderson makes sure you’re cozy and then pulls the rug out from under you, and suddenly you’re crying. 

6. The Master (2012)

Career best performances from Joaquin Phoenix and Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Lushly shot. Greenwood delivers another ground breaking score. PTA has made an aimless film about aimless characters that nevertheless is riveting. At the end, you may not know exactly how far you’ve progressed, but you’re sure glad you went on the journey. 

7. Drive (2011)

This is not an action movie. It’s a love story. The now famous dream pop soundtrack. Ryan Gosling doing so much with so little. Refn’s breathtaking cinematography. Diluted dreams. Crushed hopes. Silent gazes, filled with more emotion than dialogue could ever render.

8. The Revenant (2015)

An achievement of pure cinematic insanity. I still have no idea how they got some of these shots. A brutal, thrilling story of survival among nature’s cruelty. Inarritu’s camera is like magic in this film, uncovering the previously thought not possible. 

9. La La Land (2016)

A reinvention of a genre that somehow manages to have its cake and eat it too: a nostalgia trip that also subverts expectations. Right up there next to Singin’ in the Rain, in my book at least. How on earth was that only Chazelle’s second ever movie? 

10. The Lighthouse (2019)

TELL ME YE FOND O ME LOBSTER! WHYD YA SPILL YOUR BEANS? IF I HAD A STEAK ID FUCK IT. That about sums it up.

11. Parasite (2019)

Bong Joon Ho has made a beautifully twisted psychological thriller that is also hilarious, touching, and a lasting commentary on class and social mobility. 

12. The Florida Project (2017)

Baker’s approach of setting this story from the viewpoint of children makes it a glorious romp through a world of innocence as well as tragedy, and also makes it all the more emotionally impactful.

13. Inside Llewyn Davis (2013)

It’s all about the cat. Alongside the Coen’s mastery of dialogue and the side character, as well as the beautiful folk music, this film acts as a deeply moving portrayal of depression, and how sometimes we are our own worst enemy. 

14. Moonlight (2016)

Expertly crafted. Expertly acted. Expertly shot. A gorgeously rendered coming of age story. I’m not really the person who should speak of its importance. I’ll just say: it is. Very. A movie that will stun you. 

15. Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

Practical! Effects! Yeah, that really is Tom Hardy swinging fifty feet off the ground on a pole as explosions go off behind him. A feminist, post-apocalypse, road trip movie brought to you by the director of Happy Feet and Babe 2. What more could you want?

16. Moonrise Kingdom (2012)

A wonderful celebration of childhood and of fantasy. Anderson crafts a world you want to return to again and again. Anyone else get jump scared when they realized Lucas Hedges was in this??? 

17. Arrival (2016)

I love Denis Villeneuve’s films for so many reasons. The most important I think is that he balances entertainment and artistic depth so well. Like all great scifi Arrival is not really about aliens, it’s about us. 

18. Inception (2010)

A film that runs on all cyclinders. Smart, funny, jaw dropping, just plain fun. Nolan manages to build some surprisingly moving moments as well. 

19. Gone Girl (2014)

Ah Fincher and his twists. Rosemund Pike at the top of her game. Ross and Reznor return with another gripping score. Around the narrative, Fincher creates a fascinating portrayal of the media and marriage, one with endless twists and turns. You never quite know where it’s headed.

20. Sicario (2015)

A second thing I love about Dennis Villeneuve: he does point of view characters better than anyone else. 

21. Enemy (2014)

A third thing I love about Dennis Villeneuve: he plays with genre and narrative structure unlike anyone else working right now.

22. Incendies (2010)

A fourth thing I love about Denis Villeneuve: he’s given us some of the best female lead characters this decade.

23. Blade Runner 2049 (2017)

A fifth thing I love about Denis Villeneuve: he somehow managed make a Blade Runner sequel work. Here’s hoping for Dune. 

24. The Look of Silence (2014)

The companion film of The Act of Killing. Oppenheimer does it again, this time focusing more on the victims of the genocide. Groundbreaking cinema.

25. Shame (2011)

Slow clap for Michael Fassbender. Slow clap for Carey Mulligan. Slow clap for Steven Mcqueen.

26. Hereditary (2018)

Using horror to examine mental illness and family trauma. Aster has made a new classic of genre, taking it to new heights.

27. Under The Skin (2014)

How to make a movie about an alien descended onto earth in order to capture men and engulf them in her weird black room of goo? Make a very alienation movie. Chilling. Otherworldly. Haunting. 

28. Son of Saul (2015)

In making any holocaust film there’s always the risk of feeling exploitative. Nemes’s radical camera work, focusing almost entirely on the main character’s face in close up leaves this concern in the dust. The horrors enter only at the corners of the frame, while humanity is firmly centered the whole time. An important film everyone should see. 

29. Whiplash (2014)

As visceral and heart pounding as the solos performed, the film as a whole is a perfectly made portrait of a obsession. 

30. Amour (2012)

Haneke takes his unforgiving approach and lays bare a topic with incredible emotional depth. The result is deeply moving without ever being sentimental. I’m hard pressed to find another film about old age that is this poignant. 

31. Birdman (2014)

A whirlwind of a film. A high wire act. The long takes turn it into something more akin to a play. A pretty damn good one at that. 

32. Once Upon A Time In Anatolia (2011)

What’s Chekhov doing in the 21st Century? He’s in Turkey. He name is Nuri Ceylan. 

33. The Favourite (2018)

Lanthimos turns down his style and turns up his humor. The result is the best of both worlds: a dark, twisted tale of power and a hilarious parody of monarchy and British costume drama. 

34. Phantom Thread (2018)

PTA delivers again. What could easily have been another tired tale of the obsessive artist and the woman behind him is instead a fairy tale-ish ensnaring of two people’s ineffable pull towards each other. 

35. A Hidden Life (2019)

Still fresh in my mind. Malick’s late style is given the backbone it needed in the form of a relevant tale of resistance and struggle. A meditative, prayer-like film about the power of belief. 

36. Prisoners (2013)

A sixth thing I love about Denis Villeneuve: his movies have layers, but only if you look. Otherwise, the ride is pretty great as well. 

37. Manchester By The Sea (2016)

A masterclass in doing less with more. 

38. Foxcatcher (2014)

Bennett Miller does biopics unlike anyone else. That is to say, maybe better than anyone else working today. 

39. The Witch (2015)

Eggers’s first foray into historical New England horror. A chilling commentary on the evils of puritanism.

40. The Kid With A Bike (2011)

The Dardenne brothers managed to make a gut-wrenching tale of childhood, masculinity, abandonment, the power of empathy, belonging, and redemption in 84 minutes. Here’s a suggestion. Watch this movie. Then watch it again. A better use of the same amount of time it takes to sit through The Irishman. Oh wait, no you still have 30 minutes left over. 

[robkirbycomics]

HOUSE OF DARK SHADOWS ('70) When Barnabas Collins leaves the small screen he discovers he can inflict a lot more blood & mayhem on the big screen #31horrorfilms31days

NIGHT OF DARK SHADOWS ('71) Quentin Collins inherits Collinwood in all its splendor, inhabited by the spirit of Angelique the witch, who only wants him to love her. Obviously Quentin's new wife is not into this situation, no way no how

GERALD’S GAME ('17) Couple's sex-zay weekend becomes much less so when he keels over dead while she's handcuffed to the bed. Surprisingly potent mix of super-squirmy thrills n chills w/ Triumph of the Spirit uplift

BODY BAGS ('93) trio of horror tales features a very early 90s brew of synth-y score, jokey cameos by Wes Craven, et al. & an overall sophomoric vibe. But also good performances + Debbie Harry. Body Bags = mixed bag

HEREDITARY ('18) This very dark blend of ORDINARY PEOPLE with ROSEMARY’S BABY features a wonderfully unhinged performance by Toni Collette and remains a sobering reminder that sometimes it does *not* get better

TRAIN TO BUSAN (’16) Excellent Korean Zombie Apocalypse thriller mixes edge-of-the-seat thrills with involving human drama - with characters you genuinely care about. At the end I was all (crying emojis)

THE TAKING OF DEBORAH LOGAN ('14) Harrowing found footage flick: a documentary film crew filming a woman dealing w/ early effects of Alzheimer's disease finds she is afflicted w/ something much worse - something *unholy*. A small gem, I recommend

THE REEF (’10) TFW you realize that the perfect killer shark movie was made nearly 45 years ago. But anyway here's yet another killer shark movie

THE BLACKCOAT’S DAUGHTER ('15) Weirdo teen girl & non-weirdo teen girl spend a lonely holiday weekend in an empty all-girl's school where things get super creepy in that arty-slow-burn-fractured-narrative fashion. Honestly, I was riveted

VIY ('67) Loser-y Russian seminary student must spend 3 scary nights praying over a dead witch's body. Only she's not so dead & wants to drag him down to hell with her. During the day he drinks much vodka, who could blame him? Enjoyed this charming folktale

TIGERS ARE NOT AFRAID ('16) del Toro-esque tale of orphaned street kids on the lam from a vicious drug cartel, alternately haunted & helped by ghostly victims of the cartel. Scary, funny & touching, a fairytale that will give you the feels

ANGST ('83) Psycho creep gets out of jail and wants to kill, proceeds to do so. Best part of this clammy little German film: the totes adorbs little dachshund, even the whackjob seemed to like it with its cute little wagging tail

PONTYPOOL (’07) Radio shockjock has a super bad day at work when a terrible virus breaks out that turns people into murderous zombies - esp when he learns how the virus is transmitted. Def recommend this excellent, downright existential Canadian chiller

HELL HOUSE LLC ('16) A crew of douchebags acquire an old hotel w/ unsavory past to open a Halloween haunted house, only to find themselves stuck in an overlong combination of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT w/ THE BEYOND - never a good place to be 

SUSPIRIA ('18) Luca Guadagnino’s radical reimagining of Dario Argento's rococo 1977 masterpiece polarized horror fans: Those Who Damned vs Those Mesmerized. Count me solidly in the latter camp 

16. DARLING ('15) Young woman takes housesitting job in huge, elegantly ritzy NYC apt, slowly unravels, eventually does damage w/ a big kitchen knife. All in beautiful B&W

HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP ('80) Monstrous mutants arise from the depths to terrorize a fishing village. Turns out they also want to propagate the species, Ew

BUCKET OF BLOOD ('59) Loser schnook works as a busboy in beatnik cafe, then finds success pawning off corpses covered in plaster as ART. This adorbs time capsule amusingly satirizes both beatnik culture & Art World bullshit

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS ('60) This cheap little quickie about a bloodthirsty plant that morphed into an 1982 off-Broadway hit & more is still engaging, w/ fun Borscht belt type humor & game cast, incl Jack Nicholson, genuinely funny as a masochistic dental pt 

EATEN ALIVE ('76) Sweaty whackjob owns (A) rundown remote hotel, (B) large scythe, & (C) man-eating crocodile, all leading to (D) bizzaro murderous mayhem. Highlight: the croc (spoiler alert) eats a pre-Freddy Kruger Robert Englund

HOUR OF THE WOLF ('68) Artist & wife settle into life on isolated, windy island, where he inevitably begins to succumb to his inner demons. Ingmar Bergman's lone horror film is filled w/ all kinds of frightening imagery + existential dread. Good times!

THE BOY WHO CRIED WEREWOLF (’73) Little Richie: I'm scared, Dad's a werewolf! Let's not go camping with him! Everyone: He is not, you're tired, you had a nightmare, those dead people were killed by a wild animal, go to bed, etc. Repeat for 80 minutes

ONE CUT OF THE DEAD ('19) Japanese item features a low-budget film crew filming a zombie flick. Charming, funny, & way-meta - recommend not reading anything about it B4 watching (after this post, obvs)

JU-ON: THE GRUDGE ('02) A brutal double murder creates a relentless curse in this genuinely creepy Japanese ghost story. It's also one of ol' Rob's faves from the aughts

JENNIFER ('78) TFW the school bullies are being super horrible but then you remember Hey wait I have *supernatural power* over *SNAKES* and I could totally use that to my advantage! (hint: she totally does)  

THE AUTOPSY OF JANE DOE ('16) Father & son coroners perform an autopsy on a mysterious corpse & must soon deal with several standard supernatural tropes including jump scares 

HAGGAZUSSA ('17) Portrait of a woman branded as a witch, living in isolation outside a remote village, slowly losing her grip. Not a fun or action-packed watch, but if ur willing to meet it halfway, this German film might both mesmerize & horrify you.

IN THE TALL GRASS (’19) People get lost in an ominous field of grass that apparently stretches out waaay further than you'd ever think possible, not unlike the runtime of this movie

THE NIGHTSHIFTER (’18) In this clever Brazilian gem, guy working in a morgue learns the hard way that when the dead impart information, what they tell you should stay *strictly* confidential

MANDY (’18) Nicolas Cage dials it up way past over-the-top avenging himself on an evil cult & demon bikers in this flamboyantly campy, blood-soaked, LSD-infused revenge tale. Me = shaking my head, utterly hypnotized throughout

CANDYMAN (’93) Candyman Candyman Candyman Candyman (...)

INHUMAN KISS ('19) Young lovers must contend w/ the fact that her head detaches from her body every night to feed upon flesh in this romantic, wildly over-the-top dark fantasy from Thailand. Lovely way to wrap up this yr's  #31horrorfilms31days extravaganza

[natsthinkitythinkthinkthonk]

The translators actually have Tumblr! @edogawatranslations which where they translate 999 Alterna stuff.

I don’t know what their policies are regarding me sharing this interview, but I just wanted to give a signal boost their translations, so prepare for some posts about that!

“The protagonist, Emma, is played by Sumire Morohoshi, who has nearly 16 years of acting experience despite being 19 years old. Norman is played by Maaya Uchida, who has been cast as a male main character for the first time. Ray is played Mariya Ise, a veteran known for her role as Killua in Hunter x Hunter.

During the interview, the trio gushed about how badly they had wanted to be cast in the show, as well as how their determination made the audition process all the more nerve-wracking.

But after overcoming those obstacles, they landed their dream roles—and an incredible team of actresses was born. ”

This interview contains spoilers for episodes one and two of “Yakusoku no Neverland”

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The following is their interview. All translation credit goes to Edomonogatari, of course. If you want to see the pictures, go visit their site!

The Promised Neverland: Sumire Morohoshi x Maaya Uchida x Mariya Ise Interview

FROM LIVEDOOR NEWS (JANUARY 22, 2019)

INTERVIEW BY REIKO CHIBA // PHOTOS BY TAKUMA SUDA // PRODUCED BY ENFANT

The Voices in the Recording Studio Fit the Animation Perfectly

What did you think about episode 1 after watching it?

Morohoshi: I was blown away by the movie-level animation quality. In the beginning—when Emma, Norman, and Ray are playing tag with the other kids—the background art was so beautiful, and the atmosphere created by the glistening leaves felt so real. It seemed like a nice, idyllic environment for children to grow up and pass the time in.

That said, there was a huge dichotomy between the peaceful first half and the devastating second half, which suddenly threw us into the deep end. I bet that first episode hooked a lot of viewers.

Ise: In the second half, Conny (played by Ari Ozawa)—a little girl who grew up with Emma and the others—is found dead with a horrified look on her face. It was a drastic shift in tone from the first half, which showed the children leading fun, happy lives as a loving family.

Their “Mom”—Isabella (played by Yūko Kaida)—was awfully kind, and gave off the impression that she raised each and every child with care. But by the second half, you’re wondering where that kind Mom went. This stark contrast between light and dark that defines The Promised Neverland is established in just 30 minutes.

How about you, Uchida-san?

Uchida: The voices I heard in the recording studio fit the animation perfectly. I thought I’d be the only one worried about recording… But everyone else in the room seemed pretty nervous, too. I’m relieved episode 1 turned out well.

It’s my first time playing a young male lead, so I was just as anxious to record as I was to audition. I kept asking the staff, “Is my acting okay?” Even if they replied, “It’s fine,” it didn’t make me any less nervous.

However, as soon as I watched episode 1, the fact that “The Promised Neverland is here” hit me, since the characters and their voices all looked and sounded exactly how I imagined they would. At that moment, I knew everyone would enjoy this series.

Your Desired Role was the Opposite One? Secrets of the Nerve-Wracking Auditions

I heard that you all read the manga to prepare for your auditions. What did you think of it?

Morohoshi: I had assumed that all Jump protagonists were boys, so I was surprised that the protagonist was a girl. The story, which centers around escaping from Grace Field House, and the world, which is inhabited by demons, also stood out to me.

But as I continued reading, I felt the thrill of waiting for the next plot twist, watched as friends teamed up against foes they couldn’t beat on their own, and realized this was a Jump series after all. I was so entranced by this combination of fresh ideas and classic tropes that I caught up in one sitting.

Ise: Yeah, once I started reading it on my phone, I couldn’t stop. I was like, “I need a physical copy!” So I went to the bookstore the next day and bought every volume.

Uchida: I was also reading it on my phone at first, and before I knew it [pretends to grip a phone with both hands], I was stuck in this position. This was late at night, but by the time I looked up, it was already bright outside. It was every bit as suspenseful and interesting as Sumire-chan described. The more I read, the more I wanted to play one of the characters.

Ise: These kids are thrust from a peaceful world into a pit of despair. But rather than give up hope, they defy the status quo and search for a way out. It’s quite a wake-up call for those of us living peacefully in today’s Japan.

Various children besides the main trio appear in this series, but even when faced with the same situation, they make different decisions. I didn’t exactly put myself in their shoes, but as I read the manga, I’d ask myself hypothetical questions like “Would I feel how Emma feels?” or “Would I think how Norman thinks?”

Did you all audition for multiple roles?

Morohoshi: No, just Emma.

Ise: I auditioned for Emma and Norman.

Uchida: I was asked to read for Emma, Norman, and Ray.

Morohoshi: Looking back, my studio audition included an important scene—the one in episode 1 when Emma lets out a tear-filled scream (after seeing Conny’s corpse, the demons, and Isabella at the gate). That was the first time our bright, optimistic, and headstrong Emma had ever felt true despair, so I thought long and hard about how to portray it.

Since I didn’t get any detailed feedback during my audition, I couldn’t stop wondering, “Did I do that right?” once it was over.

Uchida: I was anxious after mine as well. By the time I arrived at the studio for my audition, it was already packed with voice actors famous for playing young boys. Honestly, I was beginning to doubt myself…

It would’ve been my first time playing a boy for an entire cour, and in a dialogue-heavy series to boot. But I was still determined to get the role no matter what. Back then, Ray was my top choice.

Ise: Maaya-chan wanted to be Ray, and I wanted to be Norman.

Uchida: The role I got wasn’t the one I wanted… Funny how things work out, huh. Come to think of it, I auditioned for Norman right after auditioning for Ray. I guess after playing someone as aggressive as Ray, I was able to relax a bit when I played Norman.

Big thanks to my manager for letting me take on such a challenging audition even though I barely had any experience with male roles.

Ise: I had submitted tape auditions for both Emma and Norman, but I was only called in to do a studio audition for Norman. At that point, I was dying to succeed, so I tried not to come off as desperate during my audition.

I’ve recently been volunteering at a pediatric cancer center, which means I’ve had more opportunities to hang out with children who are obsessed with reading The Promised Neverland. Because some of these children are unable to leave the hospital, I thought I could inspire them—and give them courage and hope—by appearing in this series.

I see. Then, how did you feel when you were cast as Ray?

Ise: I’m pretty comfortable with playing him now. Although I admire Norman, I’m more similar to Ray. Thankfully, a lot of people have told me that I’m “perfect” as Ray, so I’m very happy to have been cast as him.

I used to play a character from another Jump series who resembles Ray—a boy with a dark past and a twisted personality—so I’ve taken it upon myself to differentiate the two.

How did those around you react to the news, Morohoshi-san?

Morohoshi: A bunch of different people contacted me when the cast was announced, which made me realize that this series was popular among all genders. It was right around the time I entered college, so I received messages like “That’s awesome!” This series has helped me make a lot of friends at school. [laughs]

Uchida-san, was there also a big reaction to you being cast as a boy?

Uchida: Yeah, even the people close to me were really surprised. Before I was allowed to share the news, I went to the bookstore with my mom. She’s always been an avid manga reader, but she picked up a volume of The Promised Neverland and said, “This one’s interesting.” I couldn’t tell her that I’d been cast yet, so I just responded, “What? Oh, um, have you been reading it…?” [laughs]

The cast wasn’t even announced when the first voiced promotional video came out. I don’t share every role I get with my mom, but I was dying to ask her, “Hey hey… Have you seen this video?” [laughs] I wanted to tell her, “Listen closely.”

No Lies in Her Words: Morohoshi’s Impressive Acting Prowess

Have you recorded any memorable scenes thus far?

Ise: This isn’t exactly a scene per se, but I was impressed by how Sumire-chan never lies when she speaks into the mic as Emma. As you know, we get our lines ahead of time, which means we subconsciously plan out how we’ll perform them in advance. But in Sumire-chan’s case, every word that comes out of her mouth sounds sincere, as if they represent her true feelings in that moment.

Emma is Grace Field House’s beacon of hope, the force that pushes everyone forward. She’s both the heroine and a hero, so naturally, that makes me want to follow Sumire-chan too!

Uchida: I agree. She’s such a reliable protagonist. Truly, I’d follow Sumire-chan anywhere!

Morohoshi: Well… I feel reassured having you two by my side.

Uchida & Ise: Awww!

Morohoshi-san, what do you keep in mind when you’re acting?

Morohoshi: Emma’s not the type to think too deeply before speaking, but her innocent words and unwavering spirit still influence the people around her. In my opinion, that positive aura is what empowers her to be a natural leader. Since her “Emma-ness” goes away if I overthink, I try to rely more on my intuition when I play her.

To be fair, my two co-stars are an even better fit for their characters.

What do you think of Ise-san’s character, Ray?

Morohoshi: For starters, I’m amazed by how she can maintain such a deep voice while playing him. The way his voice gets slightly higher, and sometimes cracks, when he’s agitated feels especially real.

As soon as I noticed the gap between his emotional immaturity and his mental maturity, I went, “That’s Ray alright.”

Ise: You’re too kind.

Uchida: I’ve liked the nihilistic Ray ever since I read the manga, and Mariya-chan’s version of Ray is just as cool. He has the power to lead others in a way that neither Emma nor Norman can.

I like it when he’s rude to Emma and Norman. For example, in episode 2, when he asks Norman, “Why? Aren’t you different?” and then grabs him by the collar so hard that he can’t escape. I thought Mariya-chan really nailed that part!

Ise: At first glance, Ray seems level-headed, but he’s actually quite transparent with his feelings. He gets angry, yells, and sulks. He’s surprisingly childish at times.

Ray’s on a “certain mission” involving Grace Field House, but he can’t accomplish it on his own… Considering his backstory, it’s no wonder he’s pessimistic and devoid of all hope for the outside world. Yet, Emma and Norman—who he met in the midst of his struggles—have become more and more important to him, so he’s determined to save at least the two of them. He’s an extremely considerate, courageous, and caring young man on the inside.

Uchida: He acts cute whenever Isabella’s around, though.

Ise: It’s weird to hear such a nihilistic guy refer to Isabella as “Mom,” huh.

Morohoshi: It’s so cute he when does that. Ise-san does vocal warm-ups before playing him, so I’ve been learning her vocal exercises.

What kind of vocal exercises?

Ise: (low-pitched) Hnn hnn hnn hnn, (high-pitched) hnn hnn hnn hnn, (low-pitched again) hnn hnn hnn hnn. That kind.

Morohoshi: Her range is amazing, isn’t it?

Ise: That’s the trick I use to slip into Ray’s voice. I lower my voice prior to standing before the mic. I also do some stretches in the studio before we start. Everybody else goes directly up to the mic—like the professionals they are—but I need to warm-up, tune my voice, and get into the groove one step at a time. I’m sure we each have our own method of getting ready.

Uchida: In my case, I guess I feed off the energy of others. Our mics are always stationed in the same spot, so whenever the three of us are standing side-by-side, I know everything’s going to be alright.

Norman’s Heart-Throbbing Line: “Let’s run away. Together, with everyone.”

What do you think of Uchida-san’s character, Norman?

Morohoshi: Just hearing Norman’s voice makes me feel safe.

Ise: Same!

Morohoshi: Although Emma is emotionally shaken until roughly episode 3, Norman stays composed and is there for her. It’s comforting to hear Maaya-san speak in a calm and collected tone. I tend to tremble as I say my lines, but she calms me right down. Like a tranquilizer.

Uchida: Yay, I’m glad to hear that.

Ise: Maaya-chan and I co-starred in Hunter x Hunter as Alluka and Killua, so I’m happy we got the chance to work together again. I was curious to see how she’d do as a boy… Turns out she’s perfect!

Uchida: Thank you very much!

Ise: The delicate way she approaches acting reminds me of Norman. Maaya-chan’s soothing voice—the clear, unmuddled voice of a prepubescent boy from the Vienna Boy’s Choir—is simply perfect for him.

I originally wanted to play Norman, but once I heard Maaya-chan’s Norman voice, I decided to aim for Ray instead.

Uchida: Norman’s a genius who always wears a smile and never raises his voice. He can instantly assess any situation and make snap decisions. I try not to make him sound too friendly when he’s giving explanations to the other children or the audience.

He’s so quick-witted that others have trouble following his train of thought. That’s why his demeanor is the same whether he’s having fun or being serious.

In addition, I was conscious of his masculinity. Norman and Ray—the oldest kids—are basically the only manly characters at Grace Field House. I thought it’d be nice to show off his flirty side, like when he admits his feelings for Emma.

Ise: Norman’s not embarrassed to say phrases that make girls blush.

Uchida: Exactly. You could already tell that he liked Emma in episode 1.

Ise: All three of them are 11 years old. Boys at that age tend to be shy, and either avoid their crushes or tease them on purpose, but Norman was thoughtful enough to sit next to Emma and ask her if she was okay. What a gentleman.

My favourite scene in episode 1 is when Emma runs into Norman at the wall during their game of tag, and he goes, [imitates Maaya’s voice] “You caught me.” I was like, “The way she said that was so smooth! Maaya-chan’s the best!” [laughs]

Uchida: Why, thank you! [laughs] Something important I try to keep in mind is Norman’s open-mindedness, his acceptance of everyone and everything. In fact, I get a little embarrassed when we’re recording an intense scene in the studio and I start to see Emma as Sumire-chan. [laughs]

Morohoshi: Fufu. [laughs]

Uchida: I might’ve said something presumptuous just now… What do you think? [laughs]

Morohoshi: I’m desperately trying not to fall in love. [laughs] The last thing this series needs is romance! After all, Emma doesn’t express any romantic feelings. Although, that scene at the end of episode 1—when Emma and Norman are talking in the bedroom—was a close call!

Ise: The scene in which Norman says, “It’s okay. Let’s run away, with everyone,” right? I know!

Morohoshi: After we recorded that part, everyone was like, “What a hunk!” [laughs]

Ise: He’s a sly dog, isn’t he?

Morohoshi: He sure is.

Their Ages, Personalities, and Interests are All Over the Place… So What “Promise” Did They Make?!

I heard that this is the first time all three of you have been interviewed at once. (Note: This interview was conducted toward the end of November 2018.)

Uchida: That’s right. I’ve never worked this closely with Sumire-chan before. We did play sisters on a show called GJ-bu, though.

Ise: It’s also my first time being a regular on a show with Sumire-chan.

Morohoshi-san, what do you view the other two as?

Morohoshi: [stares at Uchida and Ise] My gorgeous older sisters…

Uchida & Ise: [laughs out of embarrassment]

Morohoshi: Every time I watch Ise-san play Ray up close, and hear such a cool voice coming from such a beautiful face, I fall in love. [laughs]

Uchida: I totally get what you mean! [laughs]

Morohoshi: As for Maaya-san, like I mentioned earlier, her presence helps me relax so that I can record in peace.

Uchida: In terms of acting, Sumire-chan is often the one leading the pack. However, in contrast to Emma, she’s more like [imitates Morohoshi’s voice] “Okaaay, sounds good.” She’s rather carefree, in a cute and comfy way.

Ise: Sumire-chan exemplifies gap moe. She’s diligent at work, and relaxed in her daily life. I can tell that she’s generally down-to-earth and easygoing. If she only could act more dignified. Then, she’d be a real hotshot.

Despite being much younger, she has way more acting experience than I do. She’s learned so much from being involved in so many different productions.

Uchida: As for Mariya-chan, I admire how stunning she looks when she’s in front of the mic. There’s a lot I can learn from her, because her strong points are different from mine. I’ve been observing how she handles her roles. I’ll be sure to keep a close eye on both Sumire-chan and Mariya-chan until the final episode.

Morohoshi-san. As a teenager, do you want to take this opportunity to ask your big sisters anything?

Morohoshi: Hm, what should I ask…?

Uchida: Whatever you want. [laughs]

Morohoshi: I’ve always been one of the youngest in the studio, so I’ve never had the courage to invite people out to a meal or ask for their contact info… How would you feel if someone younger approached you about those things?

Ise: Wouldn’t you be delighted if a younger colleague did that?

Uchida: Yeah! Super delighted!

Morohoshi: I was hoping we could go eat together, but I don’t know if I should ask.

Uchida: No problem! Let’s go!

Ise: Now’s your chance!

Morohoshi: Awesome! Thank you guys so much.

Uchida: I’m kind of curious what our soft and cuddly Sumire-chan is like when she’s drunk.

Ise: When can you start drinking alcohol?

Morohoshi: I turn 20 next April. (TN: The drinking age in Japan is 20.)

Uchida: Alright, how about we go drinking once you’re 20?

Ise: Let’s do it, let’s do it!

Morohoshi: Hooraaay.

What sort of topics get you three excited?

Ise: I want to show Maaya-chan some beauty products.

Uchida: Sure, I’m a cosmetics maniac anyways.

Is that so?

Uchida: Yup, I bring my own cosmetics to events. I love doing my own makeup.

Morohoshi-san, what sort of stuff do you like?

Morohoshi: Well, I like eating. I’m a meat lover, so I’ll eat that whenever it’s available. I’m always searching for good barbecue spots. I don’t have any actual hobbies, though… What are you two interested in?

Ise: I like makeovers and massages.

Uchida: I like baseball, and going to the stadium in uniform to cheer for my team.

Ise: Wait, seriously?!

Uchida: I’m a fan of the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks, so I usually spend my days off over in Fukuoka.

Morohoshi: Woah, please tell me more!

Sumire Morohoshi

Born on April 23, 1999. Blood type: A. Notable roles include: Ichigo Hoshimiya (Aikatsu!), Hitoka Yachi (Haikyu!!), Hinami Fueguchi (Tokyo Ghoul), Kyōka Izumi (Bungo Stray Dogs), Vanellope von Schweetz (Wreck-It Ralph), and Mei Ayazuki (Meiji Tokyo Renka).

Maaya Uchida

Born on December 12, 1989 in Tokyo. Blood type: A. Notable roles include: Rikka Takanashi (Love, Chunibyo & Other Delusions), Ranko Kanzaki (The Idolm@ster: Cinderella Girls), Sharo Kirima (Is the Order a Rabbit?), Nodoka Toyohama (Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai), Kanna Hatano (YU-NO: A girl who chants love at the bound of this world), Ayame (Kabaneri of the Iron Fortress), and Rui Tachibana (Domestic Girlfriend).

Mariya Ise

Born on September 25, 1988 in Kanagawa Prefecture. Blood type: A. Notable roles include: Urara Kasugano / Cure Lemonade (Yes! Precure 5), Levy McGarden and Romeo Conbolt (Fairy Tail), Huang Pao-Lin / Dragon Kid (Tiger & Bunny), Killua Zoldyck (Hunter x Hunter), Midari Ikishima (Kakegurui), Reg (Made in Abyss), and Cathy (Angels of Death).

[maddie-grove]

The Top Twenty Books I Read in 2018

My main takeaways from the past year’s reading:

Growing up is hard, whether you’re a working-class college sophomore trying to adjust to an Ivy League college, a chronically ill medieval kid trying to beat witchcraft charges, or A GHOST THE WHOLE TIME.

You can go to Kansas City or the Congo or SPACE, but you can never escape the past. 

Maybe I should be more worried about getting murdered?

Anyway:

20. East by Edith Pattou (2003)

Rose, a sixteenth-century Norwegian farm girl, loves her large family, but sometimes feels at odds with their rather staid personalities. So, when a talking polar bear offers to end her family’s poverty and her sister’s illness if she’ll stay with him for a year, she accepts not only out of desperation, but also wanderlust. This expansive retelling of “East of the Sun, West of the Moon” (already a winner because of its determined, flawed heroine) shines because of its vivid use of multiple settings and its well-developed minor characters. I initially thought it was a little slow, but I really came to appreciate Pattou’s skill over time.

19. Joe College by Tom Perrotta (2000)

Danny, a working-class Yale sophomore in 1982, thinks he has a lot to worry about. His rich friends are clueless, his townie coworkers at the dining hall resent him, and his crush is dating a professor. Then he goes home for spring break, where he’s confronted with a pregnant ex and a bunch of mobsters who try to interfere with his father’s lunch-truck business. I mostly read this book for completism--I love Perrotta, but The Wishbones made me wary of his earlier work--yet this seemingly lighthearted story contains some fascinating moral and ethical dilemmas, plus a hero who is sympathetic despite his callowness. 

18. Monsters of Men by Patrick Ness (2010)

In the explosive conclusion of Ness’s Chaos Walking trilogy, the protagonists find themselves in the middle of a war with an enemy they don’t understand, forcing them to wrestle with questions of right versus wrong, forgiveness versus revenge, and the possibility of redemption. This was an intense read, but there was a lot of genuine joy and love mixed in with the death and war.

17. Ashes to Ashes by Jenny Han and Siobhan Vivian (2014)

In the less literally but just as emotionally explosive conclusion of Han and Vivian’s Burn for Burn trilogy, former revenge-partners Lillia and Kat try to move on in the wake of a tragedy, as well as the abrupt departure of Mary, the other member of their retribution-themed trio. The future is looking bright, but then it becomes clear that Mary is neither gone nor happy with their life choices. I read the first book of this trilogy way back in 2014 and, while I enjoyed it well enough, I wasn’t blown away. This spring, though, I had the sudden urge to read the next two books, and they were both a wonderful mix of affecting human drama and ludicrously soapy plot twists.

16. The Charm School by Susan Wiggs (1999)

Isadora Peabody, the awkward scion of an otherwise graceful old Bostonian family in the 1850s, decides to take her fate in her own hands and become a translator on a merchant ship bound for Brazil. The captain, freewheeling Ryan Calhoun, isn’t too happy with this unusual arrangement, but he comes to admire and sympathize with the independent-minded and painfully self-conscious Isadora. At the same time, Isadora realizes that Ryan’s untidiness and occasional bouts of drunkenness disguise a heart and principles and a talent for making out in lush Brazilian gardens. I was absolutely delighted by this romance novel, which is an absolute romp with some terrific character development. 

15. The Ask and the Answer by Patrick Ness (2009)

In the middle book of the Chaos Walking trilogy, the protagonists reach the end of a long journey, only to find themselves separated and caught between two warring factions. This installment does a great job of elaborating upon the world introduced in the first book, offering new perspectives on old characters, and introducing compelling new conflicts. 

14. Fire with Fire by Jenny Han and Siobhan Vivian (2013)

In the middle book of the Burn for Burn trilogy, classmates Kat, Lillia, and Mary deal with the fallout of their semi-successful Strangers on a Train-lite revenge scheme. Kat and Lillia want to call it quits, but their sympathy for Mary causes them to agree to one last score, so to speak. Unfortunately, FEELINGS and PAST TRAUMA and DANGEROUS PSYCHIC POWERS complicate matters. Despite my love for Ashes to Ashes, Fire with Fire has a special place in my heart because it’s the first book to explore the characters’ emotions in depth, as well as the first one to go way over the fucking top.

13. I’ll Be Gone in the Dark by Michelle McNamara (2018)

In the late 1970s and early 1980s, a rash of horrifying home invasion rapes, seemingly meticulously planned, plagued the bedroom communities of Sacramento. Then a series of uncannily similar home invasion murders broke out in the Southern California. In this book published after her death in 2016, McNamara makes the case that this was the work of one person, dubbed the Golden State Killer. McNamara has a clear, humane way of describing grisly and/or convoluted events, and her portrait of the dark side of California suburbia is enthralling. 

12. The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver (1998)

In 1960, a dangerously determined and self-righteous reverend from the American South travels to the Belgian Congo, even though his own church begged him not to go. He makes the questionable decision to take his exhausted wife and four daughters--vain Rachel, suck-up Leah, nearly mute Adah, and baby Ruth May--along with him. Their new home is a shock to all of them in various ways, and that’s before a personal tragedy and the Congo Crisis enter the picture. Kingsolver makes excellent use of her five viewpoint characters, all of whom have distinctive voices and enjoyably unpredictable (yet entirely appropriate) character arcs.

11. Lighter than My Shadow by Katie Green (2013)

As a young child, Katie has seemingly minor issues around food, but during adolescence she develops a serious eating disorder and almost starves herself to death. A diagnosis and the ensuing support of her parents seem to signal hope, but recovery is more complicated that one might expect. This graphic memoir offers a nuanced portrait of the sheer range of stuff that gets wrapped up in an eating disorder: religion, gender, sex, control, trauma, the desire for independence, and so much more. Green’s “cute” art style enhances the story, both because it makes an interesting contrast to the upsetting material and because it grounds the reader in the humanity of the characters. 

10. Mindhunter by John Douglas and Mark Olshaker (1995)

Throughout the 1970s, FBI agent John Douglas, along with the rest of the Investigative Support Unit, compiled information about an increasingly common type of criminal: the serial killer. Gradually, they developed the practice of criminal profiling. As gruesome as it might sound to call this an excellent beach read, that’s essentially how I experienced it (not that I went anywhere this summer, but still). The pace is fast, the style is engaging, and the authors are frank but not overly lurid in their presentation of the nasty details.

9. The Beggar Maid by Alice Munro (1977)

In this collection of connected short stories, Rose, a bright Canadian girl, grows up in a rough, deprived neighborhood with her sick, stern father and prickly but not unloving stepmother. Life in the wider world brings her mingled pride and shame at her background, a largely disastrous early marriage, and eventually a satisfying but decidedly unglamorous acting career. Munro is a master of description, and she has a sense of fun that puts her head and shoulders above most short story writers. And the title story is just the most perfectly painful exploration of why someone would stay with a partner who is deeply wrong for them.

8. Dark Places by Gillian Flynn (2009)

In 1985, seven-year-old Libby Day narrowly escaped death at the hands of her teenage brother, but her mother and two older sisters weren’t so lucky. Except that Libby doesn’t feel so lucky, either, because she’s thirty-one years old with massive trauma, dwindling funds, and few adult life skills. Then a true-crime enthusiast contacts her with an offer: cash in return for investigating whether her brother was actually the murderer. Dark Places may be the awkward middle child of Flynn’s novels, but that reputation is undeserved; it has a thrilling plot, a perversely lovable heroine, and a sly critique of the “Morning in America” view of the 1980s.

7. The Hostage by Susan Wiggs (2000)

In the confusion of the Great Chicago Fire, frontiersman Tom Silver kidnaps heiress Deborah Sinclair, hoping to force her industrialist father into compensating the victims of his negligence. He’s not prepared, though, for her dogged escape attempts, her hard-earned resilience, or the hints that something was horribly wrong in her life even before the kidnapping. I had my doubts about reading a kidnapping romance, but Susan Wiggs proved me wrong. (It helps that Tom’s motives are both understandable AND not presented as an excuse for dragging Deborah into his revenge plan.) The super-slow-burn romance pairs wonderfully with the action-packed plot, and I love Deborah so much.

6. Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn (2006)

Troubled reporter Camille Preaker returns to her small Missouri hometown to investigate the grisly murder of one tween girl and the ominous disappearance of another. As upsetting as the case is, it doesn’t hold a candle to what waits for her at home: a softly cruel mother, a barely there stepfather, and a teenage half-sister who alternates between adoring Camille and tormenting her. Sharp Objects entirely deserves its reputation as the best (if not most popular) Flynn novel; it has a beautifully constructed plot, descriptions so lush that you feel like you can reach out and touch Wind Gap (not that you’d want to), and a deeply flawed yet admirable heroine.

5. The Knife of Never Letting Go by Patrick Ness (2008)

At nearly thirteen, Todd Hewitt is the youngest resident of Prentisstown, and nobody is ever going to take that distinction away from him. Just after his birth, a plague killed most of the humans on New World, including every woman and girl. What’s more, the same plague made it so the thoughts of men (and most other living creatures) are audible to all. And the mayor of Prentisstown is a religious fanatic who won’t let anyone watch videos or teach kids to read. It’s...not awesome. Then Todd makes a shocking discovery that forces him to flee his community and question everything he knows. This book is a fascinating sci-fi take on the frontier horror story (ala The Scarlet Letter, The Crucible, and, more recently, The Witch) with a read-hundreds-of-pages-a-night plot and astonishing moment of wonder.

4. After the Wedding by Courtney Milan (2018)

Lady Camilla Worth, daughter of an earl who committed suicide to avoid treason charges, has passed from home to unwelcoming home ever since, finally ending up as an unknown housemaid. Adrian Hunter, a mixed-race ceramics heir on a desperate mission to make his family happy, happens to visit the house where she’s employed. Under some very strange circumstances, they’re forced to wed at literal gunpoint. Working together to unravel the mystery and get an annulment, they grow to like each other, which complicates things. This is one of my favorite romance novels ever, with wonderful characters (especially Camilla!), an explosive plot, and masterfully explored themes of healing and being true to oneself.

3. Wild Things: The Joy of Reading Children's Literature as an Adult by Bruce Handy (2017)

A famous magazine writer and father of two young children, Handy expounds upon the classics of children’s literature (The Cat in the Hat, Goodnight Moon, the Little House series, Narnia, the Ramona books, etc.). As someone who frequently rereads the favorites of my youth to de-stress (House of Stairs 5eva), the subject was tailor-made for me, and Handy’s execution is impressive. He covers an amazing amount of ground, switches deftly from one mode of analysis to another, and shares plenty of funny anecdotes and moving reflections on parenthood.

2. Blankets by Craig Thompson (2003)

In this autobiographical graphic novel, Craig, a creative, devout, and deeply lonely teenager in rural Wisconsin, meets his first love, Raina, at a church retreat that otherwise would’ve been miserable. They become pen pals and are finally able to arrange for him to spend a few complicated, wonderful weeks with her and her family. Their relationship and its subsequent fallout drive him to confront his conflicted feelings about his faith, his art, and his family. This is an absolutely beautiful story, complemented perfectly by the wintry landscapes and expressive human figures.

1. Breath by Donna Jo Napoli (2003)

Salz, a twelve-year-old boy in medieval Saxony, is dismissed and sometimes even reviled by most of his community, including his own father and brothers, for the unnamed illness that stunts his growth and makes it difficult to breathe. Still, he’s got a lot going on; he helps his beloved grandmother around the house, studies for the priesthood, and belongs to a secret coven. When an abnormally wet spring drives the rats indoors and causes a strange disease to spread among the locals, Salz’s sharp intellect and thirst for knowledge are more needed than ever. This novel is a historically grounded retelling of “The Pied Piper of Hamelin” where the protagonist has cystic fibrosis, and did I ever think I would type that combination of words? No, I did not, but I am so glad things worked out that way. Napoli’s treatment of disability is unusually gratifying, because she illustrates the essential things that a society loses when it dismisses the sick and disabled (as well as some other marginalized groups, such as women). At the same time, Salz’s family and neighbors aren’t cruel for the sake of cruelty; they’re just uninformed, scared, and/or bad at managing their own problems without lashing out at others, which does not absolve them but makes for a more thoughtful story than if they were just bad seeds. The portrayal of Salz’s struggles to reconcile the different sources of wisdom in his life--Church orthodoxy, pagan folk practices, and the knowledge slowly filtering in from the Arabic world--is also fascinating, plus the pathological mystery makes for a tight, exciting plot. All this in less than 300 pages! And do not get me started on how much I love Großmutter.

[sheislegend23]

10.21.18

Here it goes:: the topic today is PCOS.

PCOS means polycystic ovarian syndrome. There are a lot of things that you can google, but I am going to be talking about my own personal journey and what that means for me now in this moment in time. There’s TMI in here, but reading personal accounts has helped me broaden my mind and knowledge and has certainly helped me realize I’m not alone in my struggles.

First thing you should know is that while some little girls plan their weddings, I planned baby names. I used to say I wanted as many children as I could, and I have ALWAYS wanted to have a family of my own.

Body wise, I was healthy and “normal” until I was about 8 or 9 years old. I slowly gained weight and got “husky”, but nothing to be terribly concerned about. By 12, I was obese. I didn’t get my first period until I was 16, which some say is just being a late bloomer, but in my case was probably the beginning effects of PCOS.

At 11, my parents divorced and my dad and I went off our own way. We had a huuuge learning curve, and I remember eating spaghetti with sauce (and when that ran out - butter) for weeks at a time until he got paid again because spaghetti was cheap, cheap, cheap. We moved again and again and readjusted our lifestyle over and over so we would never have to go back to those rough days, but that period of time was when I went from “husky” to obese.

I hated my body and didn’t understand why eating what was presented as “healthy” as a child wasn’t helping me. At 14, I started dance classes and later tried out and made my high school drill teams. All the dancing and cardio didn’t help my waistline. I didn’t let anyone’s mean comments or my fat body stop me from dancing, which inspired some and repulsed others. I didn’t have regular periods which I chalked up to being so active and fat at the same time. A stressed out body could possibly decide that’s not the best place for a baby to grow, right??

Enter adulthood. Here’s a few things I learned::

1.) Bread is NOT healthy. My mother drilled in my head that bread is good for you and could be a good anytime healthy snack as well as something you HAD to eat at least twice a day. Not sure where she got that information because, especially with my body type, starch and carbs are the enemy. I didn’t learn this til much later, I will alert when it is time.

2.) I have ADD. Specifically, ring of fire ADD (NOT ADHD) which helped explain why I am patient and extremely slow to anger, but once I’m angry, just back off and let me blow off my steam to cool down again. I thought it was because I’m southern. This diagnosis was at the age of 19.

3.) I have PCOS. The doctor I went to perhaps had good intentions, but conveyed very incorrect information and can give you, the reader, a glimpse at how one obese patient was given said info.

At my first OBGYN appointment, she told me that with 95% accuracy, I definitely had PCOS. She glanced over what that meant, but then came to the part she grilled me on - my weight. My weight was most likely causing the PCOS so if I could just stop eating bad and go exercise, I could probably reverse the effects and have a normal body again. I explained that I had danced for years and hadn’t eaten that terribly since I had had to at 12, and she said that I simply must not have been exercising hard enough and eating too much. Insert a HUUUGE eye roll here because as any drill team alum know, it’s plenty.

The real troubling thing came next when I talked about my want for a family in the future. She looked at me very gravely and said that my chances for conception are extremely slim, and if I ever did successfully conceive and didn’t miscarry, I would need to quit my job and stay at home and never be stressed for the whole 9 months because I would be at a very high risk of miscarriage up until the baby came out. Also, “don’t get attached to the first one” because I will likely lose it. Reminder:: A REAL DOCTOR TOLD ME THIS. AT 19. For real.

Her solution: birth control. I was very weary of all types of female birth control because there are a lot of side effects. I took them for a few months, and then stopped.

I don’t hold any ill will towards her, but I later found out that that information is VERY incorrect. My journey however has included believing that lie until 2 years ago.

Shortly after that, I found out I had ADD, so I started taking adderall. I took a high dose because my fat body would absorb it, and when friends or whoever would ask my dosage and I’d tell them, they were horrified and assured me that my heart would definitely explode and they were surprised I wasn’t already dead as a door nail. That’s the problem with opinions, it’s all very personally based. They weren’t thinking of MY fat body at all.

The adderall worked wonders. I could concentrate! I could multitask! I stopped making so many dang piles! Mostly, I stopped eating. I ate regular or smaller meals at “regular” times in the day and if I skipped something, it didn’t matter because I was definitely not hungry.

On weekends, sometimes I would want a break. So I wouldn’t take my adderall and I’d sleep and sleep and sleep and then binge eat and go right back to sleep. My roommates were worried but I felt so healed and cleansed with all that sleep, I wasn’t worried at all.

I grew skinnier and skinnier, and my PCOS symptoms had began to disappear. I was having regular periods, I wasn’t growing hair in weird places, and BY GOD, I could cross my legs like a proper southern belle. Everyone was soooo proud. I was proud, my family, my friends. Everyone from high school was wondering, “how did she do it?!?” My self confidence grew, and for the first time in my life, I started dating.

One day, I met the man who would be my husband. We both expressed our want of children which raised a big ole question:: how could I treat my ADD without adderall? I was scared because I knew what being on adderall is like and what not being on it is like, and my identity as an adult had revolved around and relied on it. If I stopped the medicine, I would get fat again! I was just about to get into single digit clothing, I was beautiful, and yet, I knew I had to stop.

I couldn’t think of any good time to stop, so I just did cold turkey. I was ridiculously tired for 2 weeks, and then I started to feel normal again. Sure enough, I started gaining weight again, eating a lot more, etc etc. I had my soulmate, so it didn’t seem like such a bad deal, but it was depressing nonetheless. The cringes on faces when they saw my weight regain was painful, talks about “what happened to you???” stung, and I felt so ashamed.

Insert that number 1 revelation, bread is BAD. Bad, bad, bad. I learned all about processed foods, and tried the keto diet. It worked and I lost a little bit of weight, but it was unrealistic for long term. Once you’re off keto, all that weight springs back on you, and so it did.

After our marriage, I was off insurance for some time and when I got back on, I was put on metformin for my A1C. My day to day numbers are fine, but my A1C number was ridiculously high. It’s under control now, and we are looking to the next step.

I have researched PCOS and here is the real kicker:: it makes it hard to lose weight but if you could just lose weight, it would get the symptoms under control. However, one of the symptoms is that it is hard to lose weight. It’s a great big freakin’ circle. I’m not talking “stop eating bread” hard. I’m talking “don’t even think about looking at carbs” hard. The only thing that helped was dropping all carbs and then I got yelled at for a non balanced diet. IT’S FRUSTRATING!

Here’s my plan:: cut out things in baby steps.

Step 1:: no more drinking my sugar intake. Proud to say, I have completed this step. This is one southern woman who drinks UNsweet iced tea and water only, please.

Step 2:: no more fast food. Still working on this one, it’s so easy and yummy but I have cut it to once a week.

Step 3:: no more junk food.

Step 4:: healthy meals only.

The scary thing is that the help for conception is all very expensive. The words of my previous OBGYN keep swimming through my head. I struggle to force myself to go to baby showers because while I am thrilled for my friend and their new little one, I am envious and that is an ugly color. Every time I see a child that’s been abused, it makes me tear up because I would love to adopt a child and love them to pieces. Adoption isn’t an option for us sadly due to things out of our hands (still looking into this, but the process of adoption of American children is hard and expensive), but the thought still hurts.

God wouldn’t put such a strong desire for having children in my heart if I wasn’t meant to have any, right?

I hope that anyone who got this far will remember this:: a lot of this struggle was silent as it was happening. I certainly know that if given the choice, I would have the correct BMI for my height. I didn’t choose this struggle, and unkind words make it harder to shoulder. As the Beatles say, “I get by with a little help from my friends.” Thanks to those who have supported me and let me vent to them about these struggles, and for those who have been with me as I navigate my way into the future.

[secretradiobrooklyn]

HALLOWEEN RADIO | 10.31.20

Secret Radio | Halloween special 10.31.20 | Hear it here.

Artwork by Paige, Liner notes by Evan except * means Paige

1. Sam the Sham - “Little Red Riding Hood” *

I had to make the case to Evan that this was a Halloween song, but I justify with the fact that 1.) this song uses the phrase “spooky ol’ woods” and 2.) many years ago, Sleepy Kitty played a festival on Cherokee Street that wasn’t a Halloween show but it happened to be the Saturday before Halloween. Recognizing our responsibility, we scrambled to throw together costumes and realized that if we just got a wolf mask and paws we already  had everything in our wardrobes to throw together the Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs LP cover drawing of Red and the wolf. Evan says he doesn’t like Halloween but it’s only because once he commits, he commits completely. One of my favorite moments of the night was spotting Evan that night, several hours after our set in the afternoon, having a completely serious and sincere conversation with a friend – wolf nose and paws still intact. This was pre iPhone days, but I tracked down an image and I’m gonna put it on our fake radio insta. Thus, Little Red Riding Hood is in fact a Halloween song. 

2. Roky Erickson - “I Walked with a Zombie”

Every year, reliably, Paige’s dad Ned tells us we should cover “I Walked with a Zombie,” and each year we somehow don’t do it. So this live version of the song is for him, just in case this is the closest we ever get. 

Halloween tag

3. Steve Martin - Little Shop of Horrors soundtrack - “Dentist!”

Sure, an alarmingly large and hungry, sharp-toothed plant is scary. But is it as terrifying as a dentist who delights in the pain he inflicts? “I thrill when I drill a bicuspid” — shiver!

4. Hocus Pocus soundtrack - “Sarah’s Theme”

Our definition of a good Halloween movie is way less horrifying than it is lightly spooky, so “Hocus Pocus” is just about ideal for our purposes. This is the sound of Paige’s delighted Halloween youth… though we also just watched it again. Holds up! 

5. The Beatles - “Mr. Moonlight”

Paige pointed out that this is essentially a religious song to the moon — a song of praise, devotion, and submission to a greater power. 

6. Quasi - “Ghost vs. Vampire”

I know that Quasi has had a long and illustrious career, but my fandom is frozen at this pinnacle of mystical bummerness. I learned so much about being creatively sad from Sam Coomes.

7. Rocky Horror Picture Show - “Sweet Transvestite” 

8. The Velvet Underground - “The Gift”

Didn’t realize this was a Halloween song until tonight. If Hitchcock is proper Halloween, which I vote a definite yes, then “The Gift” is ultra Halloween.

9. Bauhaus - “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” 

I feel like I have to say psychic hello to my friend Joseph Grady, who first introduced me not just to the coolness of Peter Murphy but to the allure of vampires generally. I wore my nails and my coats long. We talked about what the vampires were up to that night. We had some truly perfect nights together.

10. The Bitter Tears - “Murdered at the Bar”

An invaluable prize from being in a certain scene in a certain set of years in Chicago with the School of the Art Institute crowd — grad and undergrad. We all loved this song, and 15 or so years later, “we all” turns out to be a very specific and much-loved crew of people I miss and love. Except for Chris Shea, who I love and get to hang out with here in the city. This song is for him especially. 

11. Phantom of the Opera - Korean cast - “Point of No Return”

We had this epiphany accidentally. As I recall, we watched the movie version of “Phantom,” and I was distinctly not impressed, but then Paige put on the French-Canadian version and we were both fascinated by how different it was. That led us into Phantom Internationalé, wherein we just looked up versions from all over the world. It is amazing: each version is both militantly like and distinctly unique from the others. The Korean Phantom emerges as the most singular from among the versions we heard, and “Point of No Return” an emotional height.

Meet Me in St. Louis - “Tootie the Horrible”

One of the greatest Halloween scenes in the history of cinema in our book. 

12. Donovan - “Season of the Witch”

13. “The Dweller of the Cave” * I Found this tape at my parents’ house this summer while we were delayed in Illinois between March and whenever the van got fixed and we drove back. Rediscovering this tape may be why you’re listening to this whole fake radio spooktacular tonight. Hi to Stewart and Jill. 

14. Science Fiction Double Feature *

15. Dr. Who Theme Song*

16. Red Dwarf Theme Song* 

The previous 3 songs were woven into a medley for Sleepy Kitty’s KMNR Freaker’s Ball. It’s one of life’s great pleasures for a band to play Freaker’s Ball, we literally wound around a wooded road to find some Elk’s Lodge or something full of college kids DECKED THE HECK OUT in EPIC COSTUMES ready to freakin’ get down. Never have I been closer to being the band in the prom scene of a 90s movie than at a Freaker’s Ball. We met some rad folks through the KMNR scene, and if I’ve ever told you about my custom vocal pedals, Colin of CroyTone Audio was one of those rad folks we met one of those magical nights. Also, raise your hand if your love Red Dwarf!

17. Ghostbusters 

Paige: “I had this reflector, this flat reflector that was some scrap of something that Ned got from Honeywell. I would play Ghostbusters, and I was like: ‘This is a ghost trap.’ It was SO REAL to me. It was this flat reflector, like a bike reflector, and I would like, like, set traps. And I’d be like, ‘Don’t move my ghost trap!’ I would set the ghost trap, and it was like fishing for ghosts. But that was me playing. I would, like, wait. …I don’t know if it worked or not.”

“I’m not sure if this is me imagining this or not, but I’m pretty sure there was a day where I was like, ‘I feel like this trap’s not working.’ But I also feel like I was like, ‘But how would I know? They could be all inside. This is either full — or empty.’”

Vertigo soundtrack

18. The Fall - “Frightened”

“I don’t wanna dance, I wanna go home” — Fri-dund! 

19. Goblin - “Zombi” Title Theme

20. Karen Elson - “The Ghost Who Walks”

I think we got this record at Third Man Records when we were playing in Nashville. Sean’s new residence! 

Paige: “Karen Elson is tall, beautiful, an interesting musician, AND she has red hair. That’s crazy. What are the chances that you would have all of those things? Talk about a blue moon!”

21. Eartha Kitt - “I Want to Be Evil”

“The only etchings I’ve seen have been behind glass.” 

22. Jeffrey Lewis & Los Bolts - “The Pigeon”

“Old skies you flapped through are no more.”

We would like to give a heartfelt hello to Yona Schimmel, mostly out of reach for now. We mourn every missed knish.

23. Scott Walker - “The Seventh Seal”

Paige didn’t know this was a movie, she thought this was just a cool song about a guy playing chess with death.

24. Groovie Ghoulies - “(She’s My) Vampire Girl”

I love that he puts two Bazooka Joe jokes right in the middle of the song.

25. Black Sabbath - “Paranoid”

Sometimes you need priests to summon spirits. 

26. Fantasia - “A Night on Bald Mountain”

This is a song that seriously disturbed Paige when she was young. She thought that they did this whole demon thing every single Saturday. For me, it made such an impression that, when each of my young friends and I improvised who we were — “I’m Darth Vader!” “I’m a Cylon Raider!” my take was “I’m Night on Bald Mountain”! And I would open my arms wide and pretend that I was an entire sharp mountaintop transforming into a giant demon with wings, and I would always be the biggest and baddest and scariest creature of all, no matter what they thought. Bald Mountain beats Batman every time.

29. “Jump in the Fire”

Or as I say whenever the occasion warrants: “Jump in the show-AHH!” 

28. Rogers & Hammerstein “Pore Jud Is Daid”

29. Barry Adamson - “Something Wicked This Way Comes”

I cannot recall what brought this album to my ears… I suspect it was something I got in my inbox when I worked at The Rocket. This whole album is full of heavy musical grooves and heavy mental movement. It’s a rare pleasure in 

30. Screamin’ Jay Hawkins, “I Put a Spell on You”

This is straight-up one of my favorite recordings of anyone ever. And when I eventually saw it enacted in “Stranger than Paradise,” I was blown away by how fundamentally Eastern European it sounds. Every sound he makes with his voice creates new characters. 

31. The Shining, “Midnight, the Stars & You”

Happy halloween my friends, I wish we were all at an otherwordly dance together.

[calzona-ga]

The doctors of Grey’s Anatomy have taken on a lot of difficult cases over the years, but this one might be one of the toughest yet.

The medical drama from Shonda Rhimes returns to finish its 13th season this week with an intense episode featuring just three of the doctors: Bailey (Chandra Wilson), Jo (Camilla Luddington), and Arizona (Jessica Capshaw).

The docs leave the hospital to treat a pregnant teen — in prison. Anna Jacoby-Heron guest stars as Kristen, a very troubled, combative 16-year-old who’s serving 20 years to life. She needs a procedure to save her baby girl, but the doctors are horrified to discover what it’s like to provide medical care behind those iron bars.

Yahoo TV chatted with Capshaw about this unique episode, Arizona’s flirtation with hot new doc Eliza Minnick, and what to expect from the rest of Season 13.

This is such a different and unusual episode, just focusing on Arizona, Bailey, and Jo. It’s pretty intense. What was your reaction when you got the script? We had a table read and I knew then that it was going to be a bit of a different side of Grey’s. It’s obviously the same characters, but they were going to be in a very different environment. That allows for a lot of fun for the actors and characters to play in different ways. I sat down and we open up the first page… and all of the sudden, Chandra, Camilla, and I — you could just feel all of our bodies got really tense. We were genuinely, physically closer to each other and a little bit huddled, like we were on this team, like we needed to fight the elements. The way it was described, it felt totally like this other world. It made us all think of like Silence of the Lambs and that first walk Jodie Foster has down that hallway, not knowing what to expect. It was really exciting because it’s not that often you get that kind anticipation on the show.

It really is just the three of them — no other doctors in other storylines. It  must have been interesting to take part in this narrow, in-depth character study. Ultimately, we’re all together and with this X-factor patient, where any given moment we’re not really sure what’s going to happen and we’re not really sure how we’re going to help her. And it’s right when we have this information that perhaps Alex has turned himself in and we’re going to lose him. It’s a lot of anticipation and a lot of anxiety. Having just the three of us there, we certainly got to band together in a way that maybe our characters normally don’t.

The show — I truly can’t believe it’s been 13 seasons — when you look at all the things they’ve done, our writers are the best in the whole world, because they come up with new stuff to do. So for us to be in an environment and situation that we haven’t been in before, it was super thrilling. We were in different sets. I mean, it was a lot of work. My daughter turned six when we were doing the show, and because there was so much to do, she had to celebrate her birthday on the set of Grey’s Anatomy. We had a trailer party complete with decorations. It was really great.

Do you feel like the writers are experimenting more with different styles and forms? There’s this episode, and then there was the one where they have flashbacks while operating. There’s another Jackson/April episode coming up. I do. I think, and this is just me talking and interpreting, but I imagine after writing — not that everyone’s been there since the beginning, but Shonda has. Grey’s is so focused on characters, it’s a character-driven show. With the breadth of characters, what I hear from fans is that not everybody loves Arizona, but maybe some people love Alex. Or not everyone loves Alex, and some people love Jo. And there are die-hard Meredith fans.

There’s a character for everyone to identify with or root for. When you have this huge group of characters, you can get a lot of different kinds of stories going. It’s an exciting thing for the writers to say, well, we have this myriad of characters and we can put them in a bunch of situations. And it doesn’t have to be the same kind of show every week. I think they have the freedom to try it out and luckily we have this incredible fanbase that will go along with the journey. And now, thank God, we have Twitter, so they can tell us their opinion!

Arizona’s been through so much recently, with the custody trial and then having her daughter Sophia move across the country with Callie. And then Alex’s trial. But there’s a light on the horizon in the form of Dr. Minnick. How will that relationship evolve? Shonda is so genius. When you think back on Meredith and Derek, you see them totally fall in love and be all flirty, and then she introduced Kate Walsh’s character that completely challenged the notion of their relationship.

With Eliza and Arizona, you have this flirty fun, Hepburn and Tracy banter. They’re constantly trying to one-up each other and in each other’s face — just close enough but not too close. But it’s complicated by the fact that if Arizona did fall into that relationship, she would be betraying Richard. It’s not love or anything like that. It’s a really flirty promise of something that could be great. Yet, it’s sort of forbidden. The stakes are raised a bit by that.

The winter finale left on a few cliffhangers, with Alex possibly taking the plea deal, Amelia running off. This episode keeps the pin in on those. Will we see resolution on them soon? Absolutely! There’s a ton of stuff that’s up in the air. It’s fun! It gets you to think during the breaks about the way you want the outcomes to be. It makes it more interesting to watch — there’s an interactive aspect of it. You get a little bit more invested, a little more excited, a little bit more anxious. But ultimately, there’s always an understanding of where the balls fall when they all come down crashing out of the air. Yes, there will be resolution. Some of them are still stories that are in process. I’m on my way to a table read right now, episode 19. We’ve got some serious, serious, SERIOUS drama. There’s going to be some crying.

Of course! I know, I know. But not romantic heartbreaking crying. More heartstrings and tenderhearted [crying] circumstances.