#3 years ago Castiel declared his gay love for Dean | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hippychick006 · 3 years

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Misha Panel

I’ve done this summary as it helps to have what Misha actually says to hand as more often than not, his stans misquote him. It’s also useful as Misha often changes things - as he appears to have done between his last virtual panel and this one. Note, I’m only focusing on the key parts where he talks about the show/Jared/Jensen. It is not free of anti castiel/misha comments where I disagree, though those are few and far between for a change. It’s long so putting under a cut...

- Misha confirms his filming finished in March prior to Covid [this comes up later in more detail]. Watching the last epiosode was an emotional experience for him. For him, it represents the end of a chapter of his life.

- Misha says fandoms not going anywhere [*hisses]

- Misha’s future work/projects?: working on senate race in georgia, publishing a book of poetry, couple of film projects he’s trying to get off the ground, one he’s not acting/directing in, the other he may act and/or direct

- Jack brought Cass back but we didn’t get to see it, what happened?: different ending originally that Covid restrictions made impossible to produce. Cool ending involved bringing back lots of cast members over the years. In the original ending, Castiel hadn’t gone to rebuild heaven, there was a different conclusion for him. Misha purposely did not read the last two episodes before they aired as he wanted to be an audience member. He knew a little about Castiel/Jack’s fate in the abstract, but because he wasn’t in it, he doesn’t know what the answer was. He thinks them rebuilding heaven was less boots on the ground and more at a spiritual level [so he’s talking at the metaphysical/spiritual plane level and not corporeal) so they are everywhere (e.g. in drops of rain as per Jack’s speech to Sam in 19). That’s what I’m understanding at least. He says that’s pure speculation though.]

- what qualities does castiel have similar to Misha?: there are a lot of similar qualities [backstabber comes immediately to my mind tbh]. Over time he and the character melded. Over time he evolved into something that didn’t quite fit in with either angels or humanity, he felt like an outsider which Misha has felt for much of his life. He became softer, more sensitive, he tried to do the right thing and be a good person. Oh wow, he says that in order to write to play to Misha’s strengths, the character had to “morph a bit”. I loved bad!ass Castiel, he’s my favourite Castiel!

- What one thing will he take with him from playing Castiel?: on a professional level, it was fascinating to play a character for so many years. He discussed with J2 recently that the characters really became part of them. He doesn’t think that will happen again, just due to length of time the played them. On watching Jensen’s death scene, he cried but it was more “That’s Cass’ friend Dean dying” It was weird to have a blurring of lines between yourself and your character but he thinks that’s what happened with all of them. He’ll take the character away, which will be a part of him forever.

- Misha made fortune cookes and put inside lewd and inappropriate fortunes

[I don’t get this next bit as earlier in the panel he says he didn’t read the last two episodes so didn’t know what was going to happen and gave the answer I documented above and now we have this next question where his answer seems to contradict that]:

- Is there anything more he can say about the originally planned finale?: He doesn’t want to be the one to reveal these state secrets, but what are they going to do, fire him? He feels someone might have said to him, please don’t reveal what was going to happen, but can’t remember for sure if it’s true. He says there was a version of Sam and Dean’s heaven that was populated with all of the people that were from their past that they have come to love. They could not do that because of Covid restrictions.

- Favourite behind the scenes memory of “The boys”: He doesn’t have a favourite memory, they were close friends for 12 years. They had laughing fits and fights and got pissed off at each other. Some of his fondest memories of being at work anywhere were working on Supernatural. He’s never going to be on a set again where there is so much mirth so he’s going to miss that for sure.

- he’s talking about Castiel’s wardrobe which is actually funny - e.g. original suit 3 sizes to big, sometimes showing blood and holes, sometimes being magically fixed, not wearing a tie, going back to wearing a tie... “Nobody complained about that too much...” [uh because some of us were watching other things and your own stans were looking at the background.] He stole some trenchcoats and has them in his closet.

- How do you prepare for emotional scenes?: it’s hard for him to get into that emotional state. To prepare for the Castiel’s declaration of love scene and taken by the empty, Misha needs to be off by himself and not chatting with people, so for that scene he sat on his own in a dark corner of the stage and ruminated on his own. Rob Hayter, stunt coordinator, noticed and stood sentinel and made sure no one disturbed him which Misha said was really sweet. Everyone stopped fucking around for that scene to allow them to do what they needed to do.

- How did you feel when you read the script when Castiel dies?: Misha knew for a long time that ending was coming, he’d been speaking to Rob Berens about it, he was really happy with it. It was the ending he’d wanted for Cass so when he read the script, he was really happy it had made it to the page [i bet it was Misha, how are those destiel sales going through your Stands company?]. It felt it was a little “risky and a little brave” for the show to do [on a fucking network that is number one in Glaad reviews? Are you being fucking serious right now?] He was happy to be a part of that [again sales] and have that character express love like that so he was happy with it.

[Okay, so notice in his last virtual panel 2 weeks ago, he was very happy, he’s now starting to do exactly what he did with Karla movie as he goes on to say...]

He’s seen “some people” [you mean lgbtq+ people?!] “complaining” about this is playing into the “bury the gays” trope which is an insidious and real trope in film and television storytelling in h/w over the years. Misha doesn’t think that’s what was happening with Castiel’s [he died second after the confession MIsha!] First of all Castiel isn’t dead, he’s in heaven working to rebuild it... [you didn’t know this 2 weeks ago, as far as you knew Castiel died and went to the empty]. So much good came from that declaration, because Cass was able to save Dean, which was essential to saving the world, so this declaration wasn’t so then fate strikes you down and you’re done forever. The declaration literally ended up saving the world. It was of Cass’ own volition, he wasn’t forced to do it, it was his choice, and he thinks that’s important, so maybe he’s naieve and doesn’t feel they are playing into that trope.

[You were absolutely playing into that trope Misha and you didn’t give a shit as you did no research on playing an lgbtq+ character so sincerely fuck off]

He’s glad that Castiel got to express that and have that ending. He thinks thats kind of important and he’s proud the show did that. [again fuck off, this was done for you and it showed] He thinks its a conversation they will continue to have as they continue to dissect it going forward [nope, consigned to the dumpster fire I’ve put the majority of the rest of Drabbernatural in]

- Do you think you will ever get an SPN tattoo?: He doesn’t have any but he’s thinking about getting tattoos relating to his children. Is that a sign of desperation that a true hasbeen will do? Should he get a tattoo of Jared and Jensen’s face. He could get a tattoo of Castiel’s face on his abdomen. He’s saying probably not. If they want to get one, totally supportive of that

- what is his favourite moment of the finale?: Dean’s death scene, masterfully executed, excellent performances from both Jared and Jensen in that scene and made him cry

- best memory of your last day on the supernatural set?: everyone being really sweet, lot of tears from cast and crew. The last scene he shot as Castiel was the last scene of the day on a Friday. Him, Alex, Richard S and Jensen all had to get to Las Vegas for a fan convention the next morning. They shot late and finished at 1.30, it was Cass goodbye and Misha’s goodbye to the show. He said they had to get a chartered flight because of the early flight [not sure why he’s saying this as I thought it was Jared’s plane they all travelled in?] He’s talking about going back - because of the issue with the plane - and they are all texting family, saying they love them, so it was such a strange night, he’d said goodbye to Supernatural, he said goodbye to Castiel and later on said goodbye to his kids because they thought they were going to die that night. :(

[Going to add that this puts to rest that Misha was due back for 19 and 20 even before covid, it confirms he was not going to be in either episode, though I maintain, they may have shot an extra scene while they had him to slot into 19 or 20]

- do you think Cass and the other angels got their wings back?: Yes, probably, they have Jack who is the new god. What a long and miserable experience that was of not having wings. Cass was so powerful when he started, he could snap his fingers and teleport and time travel and lost that with his broken wings and they didn’t come back. He doesn’t know why they didn’t fix him as Castiel would have been a much more powerful ally if he didn’t have to drive around in the pimp mobile [uh, for the same reason Sam lost his powers, deus ex machina]. He tells the story of Jared pressing buttons in the car causing the hydraulics to fail costing $10000 of repair.

- in your opinion, what colour are Castiels wings?: shit, I don’t know, I always thought they were black, but now that you’ve said that, they are rainbow coloured, how about that?

- What is the worst joke Jared and Jensen did to you?: [*cough fans looking for things to complain about or hate Jared on]: Jared and Jensen, as you know, they are not good people. He talks about directing an episode and they got excited in the week before, they were going to break into his apartment and steal his furniture, they had all kinds of nefarious plans, the crew tipped him off and told him to watch his home and car keys. They put a fish under the seat in his car and one of the crew told him. Jared removed the canvas on the director’s chair and laid it across so it looked like it was still the chair. Misha fell for that at least 5 times. That was pretty frustrating. Jared kept messing up his lines (which Misha said Jared never does) and Misha was directing in another room, Misha eventually went to see what the problem was and that’s when Jared pied him in the face. Everyone in the crew was complicit in the “assault”. Jensen brought him another shirt, said, “I’m sorry man, that’s sucks, that was too much.” Jensen then pied him in the face.

- What is the real story behind the handprint in the finale?: Um I don't know, but I think it was a nice touch, that was a really lovely callback that worked well. I can’t remember how we came up with that, or was it in the script, I can’t remember. Wasn’t it a good callback to the very beginning. [Again, this appears to differ from what was being reported two weeks ago so might need to go back to that panel if I can get access to it]

-What’s your favourite memory from offline/online panels?: It’s much more fun to be live and in person. I don’t know, I have had some really fun... [PANDERING ALERT COMING UP] Jensen and I have some really fun panels together in Rome. I don’t know why but we always just seem to have a real hoot there, talks about the resume off, they really enjoyed that. He had pizza delivered to a creation panel once. He talks about the Saturday night special and he can’t wait till they can get back to that.

[NOTE CYNICAL PART OF THIS IS FOR HIS FANBASE TO ONCE AGAIN CLAMOUR FOR MORE JENMISH PANELS. I DO NOT TRUST THIS MAN AT ALL]

- What was your favourite version of Castiel to play?: he had the most fun playing Lucifer because Mark P had left a great template to play Lucifer [you took the worst parts imo but Mark fucked his character up too]. He enjoyed playing the human parts of Castiel because it was fun to explore how to be human for the first time. Overall, just regular Cass. He wouldn’t have wanted to trade regular Castiel for other iterations. [A great question would be badass Castiel v late season wooby castiel preference]

#anti misha #anti castiel

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handlewithkara · 3 years

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@chassycat-original It’s not that it isn’t possible , but I do think that it is a slightly different situation here. I'm by no means an expert on Supernatural, I mostly know it through general slash fandom cultural osmosi, but my impression is: .

As flimsy as compared to years and years of canon it might be, Destiel does have at least that one concrete scene where a third party character taunts Dean that Castiel is in love with him. So they have opened the door to there being a romantic element. Stories have started on lamer sparks (like parallel universe evil gay vampire Willow)

this supposedly is from the script:

(I think the can’t reciprocate is the bit that sounds suggestive, if this was just a friend I Love You, why should it be a big deal to say it back?)

My personal, fairly uninformed guess on the situation is this: so they came up with the idea of Castiel. They had an idea for an arc for him and then he was supposed to leave.

But he was popular, so they kept him around, but he was aimless for a long time (again, we are not talking a season or two, we are talking 10 seasons!).

And they decided already a while ago that Dean was going to be the main character Cas is linked to and the reason why (in universe) Cas is staying around.

And then for the end of the show they decided that Castiel's motivation is that he loves Dean (or that they are going to expand on the love that was already the motivatino).

Again, keep in mind that I haven't followed SPN like, ever, closely, and I haven't read a writer interview from them in my life, so I'm just going on stereotype of how such things usually go. I could pictuer that maybe if you pressed them they might say something like "Cas loves Dean and it's sort of romantic, but it's kind of angel romantic, which is about half human romantic" and "Dean cares a lot about Castiel, Castiel means a lot to Dean". (if I'm totally off base and there are writer interviews where they say something else and more concrete, please link me)

For what it is worth, I do think that this can be argued to be an instance of the infamous queerbaiting, regardless of how the relationship ends up being defined, regardless of whether Destiel end up romantically, ambiguously romantically, confirmed one sided romantic or just generally ambiguous (or even confirmed "no homo").

The base line is that they set up a heavily ambigous scene, right as the show is about to end. And all those youtube videos show it pretty clearly, it's many people saying "I haven't watched Supernatural in years, but I saw it was trending, so I checked out the episode and I now will watch those remaining episodes like a hawk to see whether they follow up on it or screw it up".

So they are using the ambiguousness of the situation to drum up interest in their series finale.

Okay, let's give them the benefit of the doubt and say they are not using it, they just wanted to tell the story that makes the most sense of the characters in the last few episodes.

They are still really heavily benefitting from this. So the very least they could do would be do a press release where they were clearly state what their intentions are (would be even better is to announce it beforehand that it was coming). Because otherwise it will always come across like a stunt to get attention and ratings by keeping people guessing, rather than something genuine on their side. (yes, a press release or big tv magazine interview is always going to have a lot less reach than the episode itself, but if they did it like that, one could at least say they tried their best not to present it as a “gotcha!” moment)

Why does it smell bait-y to me (again: not an expert, based on what how I have read queerbaiting described)? If they had made it clearly platonic rather than ambiguous then people wouldn’t have this motivation that they need to keep watching to see if there is follow up. Similarly, if they had made it non ambigous, like if they had thrown a romantic kiss in there, then any people who do have a problem with it might have a reason to drop out and not watch the last few episodes because they dislike the direction of the show (even if one takes position that the I Love You is unambiguous, Castiel gets removed from the story instantly. if they had shared a kiss and then Cas disappears, Dean in this scenario would still be unambigously mlm and his story would continue). By keeping it ambiguous they are optimizing their hypothetical viewership for the last few episodes. And the critique of queerbaiting is that that is pretty immoral. Either you jerk people along when you have no intention of delivering or you keep a story restrained in order to maximize your viewership appeal with hypothetical homophobes.

There’s also another aspect. Let's talk about this as a hypothetical best case scenario for Destiel.

3 more episodes left.

Episode 1: Castiel declares his love for Dean and gets disappeared into The Empty

Episode 2: A stunned Dean cries to Sam "OMG, Castiel told me he loves me, I'm heartbroken, I don't know what to do with myself, I should have said it back"

Episode 3: They fight the big bad, suddenly Castiel emerges from The Empty, they beat the bad guys together and Dean throws himself at Castiel and they share a hefty tongue kiss before riding off into the sunset together

Supernatural is a show that has had 15 seasons. FIFTEEN! And Castiel has been around since season 4!

Look I would never begrudge the fans if they were happy over that hypothetical 3 episode best case scenario. I get it. But as an outsider, I can't help but think: really? You had so many seasons to give Castiel an actual mlm storyline and you didn't? Let's say you decided only recently you were going to do that recently. You could still have had this in the first episode of the last season rather than in the almost the last.

For what it's worth, I have NEVER bought into the idea that the CW is just that homophobic that they forbid a storyline like that. We can all see that the CW is absolutely chill with wlw pairings left and right, including pairings for lead characters (Batwoman, Legends of Tomorrow).

I agree that the case is slightly more sketchy for mlm pairings. Though I do think that it is worth noting that they apparently were okay for it for both Captain Cold and Constantine on Legends of Tomorrow). I get that maybe the situation is different for SPN, since SPN was one of their steadiest performers and anchor to their schedule for a long time while Legends is like this cooky little show with barely any ratings or attention. AND Legends is an ensemble piece where maybe it's easier to sell making one of their characters mlm. (for what it is worth, I have never read a single interview about Legends that suggested that it was any sort of big deal or fight to be allowed to make Leo and Constantine on screen gay).

So yes, it is not completely impossible that the CW is homophobic in this really thin slice (mlm characters, but only on their main male dominated steady rating show), but I can’t help but being skeptical when this accusation has been thrown around so many times in situation when it clearly didn’t make any sense. (their long list of wlw characters proves they have no problem with adding wlw characters, Legends and Batwoman prove they have no problem supporting shows with wlw leads, The 100 and Sara Lance show they have no problem adding it retroactively to characters who were intially planned or perceived to be straight)

Constantine they couldn’t or wouldn’t show as bisexual when he was still on NBC, he had to come to the CW for that. Alex Danvers couldn’t or wouldn’t be shown as a lesbian when the show was still on CBS, she had to come to the CW for that. I think CW has shown over and over and over again that it provides a home for gay characters, I think people don’t give them enough credit if they so easily act like it’s obvious they must be the badguy as not their writers or showrunners who maybe just have a different vision or were themselves the ones too afraid to ask the network or were themselves the ones who had those audience concerns without the network ever expressing any opinion on it.

#destiel #the cw

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littlehollyleaf · 4 years

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(I had a really long, detailed version of this....... but Tumblr ate it D’: so this is... heavily abridged, sorry!)

Tagged by the ever lovely @castiel-saved-me-from-myself <3

pick 10 ships without reading the questions

Interesting... ok!

1. Dean/Cas (obviously)

2. Aziraphale/Crowley

3. Nygmobblepot

4. Foxma

5. Babitha

6. Amy/Rory

7. Nomi/Amanita

8. Eve/Flynn

9. Catradora

10. Cosima/Delphine

1. Do you remember the episode/scene/chapter that you first started shipping 6?

I think I started shipping Amy/Rory during the Venice fish monster ep - cos that was when I felt Amy really did love him back and they had a future together. Before I suspected that her running away with the Doctor was a sign she and Rory weren’t right for each other.

2. Have you ever read a FanFiction about 2?

Only read a handful of Ineffable fic. Overall I’m perfectly happy with the canon alone.

3. Has a picture of 4 ever been your screen saver/profile picture/tumblr?

Yes I’ve had Foxma themed phone backgrounds and a tumblr header :)

4. If 7 were to suddenly break-up today, what would your reaction be?

Disbelief and disapproval. Nomi and Amanita were one of the great constants of Sense8 for me. I think a break up would be out of character for them tbh. Plus it would be denying the black and trans characters a rare example of a happy ending, which would suck.

5. Why is 1 so important?

I wrote such a detailed thing about how DeanCas is not only important to me personally but also how I feel it’s been important for TV/media in general... ugh, tumblr!

In a nutshell - this ship helped me better myself in various ways. It introduced me to fandom, which boosted my confidence and independence via increased socialisation; it encouraged me to write more, which improved my writing skills; meta discussions educated me on lots of issues, inc. but not limited to abuse, sexuality, gender identit, autism and racism.

I also genuinely believe that the loud and open fandom support of the ship has been a significant help in the ongoing battle for more and better queer rep in media.

6. Is 9 a funny ship or a serious ship?

Serious! Catra and Adora’s relationship is a core part of the whole show, relating to lots of the wider themes of abuse, toxic behaviour, growth and forgiveness. Plus the significance of a same sex romance involving the lead character in a CHILDREN’S CARTOON really cannot be overstated.

(but it is also cute and funny sometimes :p)

7. Out of all of the ships listed, which ship has the most chemistry?

I’ve spoken before about having issues with the concept of ‘chemistry.’ If I ship characters it’s usually because I find the combination of their characterisation and story arcs interesting/compelling. I often don’t notice (or I guess care about?) chemistry.

So I think I’m not qualified to answer this one.

8. Out of all of your ships listed, which ship has the strongest bond?

Agreeing with @castiel-saved-me-from-myself here - you can’t really beat the Ineffables millenia long romance :)

9. How many times have you read/watched 8’s fandom?

I’ve rewatched The Librarians 2 or 3 times now. It’s DAFT. But it’s fun. And Eve and Flynn make me feel warm and fuzzy.

10. Which ship has lasted the longest?

Again, as @castiel-saved-me-from-myself said - it’s gotta be the Ineffables, both within AND outside of the story, since Good Omens was originally published over 30 years ago and the Zira/Crowley shippers have been going strong all that time. Otherwise it’s DeanCas.

(though idk if Catradora was a ship back when the original She Ra cartoon was airing, or when the original cartoon was made, so it’s possible that is also a contender!)

11. How many times, if ever, has 2 broken up?

Lol at @castiel-saved-me-from-myself for getting Nygmob for this one, as their relationship is, like, 90% break up :P

For the Ineffables though it’s basically just the once - when Zira chooses Heaven over Crowley. Not made such a Big Deal in the book IIRC, but in the show it’s the infamous Bandstand Break Up scene.

All other separations are only minor, temporary squabbles imo. Which is what makes the Bandstand scene so PAINFULLY, BEAUTIFULLY, ANGSTY AND EMOTIONAL and why I love it so!

12. If the world was suddenly thrust into a zombie apocalypse, which ship would make it out alive, 2 or 8?

I figure angels and demons probably can’t be killed by zombies, so the Ineffables are the most likely.

But Eve and Flynn did actually face off against zombie-ghost things in an alt universe during a whole Loom of Fate plot and survived, so I think they’d probably also make it.

13. Did 5 ever have to hide their relationship for any reason?

No, Babs and Tabs were always open about being together, even when Tabs was also in a relationship with Butch.

I might argue they hid the depth of their feelings for each other though, even from themselves, and instead made out what they had together was just a casual ‘friends with benefits’ type thing.

Though Tabs did hide things a little when she sent assassins after Jim cos she blamed him for putting Babs in a coma. She clearly knew her brother would disappprove, which is why she didn’t tell him what she was doing. I guess that kinda counts as hiding her relationship with Babs? She was trying to conceal how much Babs mattered to her?

14. Is 4 still together?

Lol, Foxma were never together (ALAS!). But the show did end with their lingering fondness for each other intact I think.

15. Is 3 canon?

Is Nygmobblepot canon? Rather a touchy question for the fandom tbh.

If we are talking EXPLICIT canon - then no.

They never got a kiss or a MUTUAL love declaration (and they had a controversial ‘we’re brothers’ exchange in the penultimate episode) - ergo there is not enough, imo, to say they ended the show officially romantically involved.

However, Ozzie DID EXPLICITLY DECLARE HIS ROMANTIC LOVE for Ed, and that was never rescinded. There is also LOTS OF SUBTEXT floating around Ed to imply he reciprocates. Plus they did end the show together as clear Partners in Crime.

So is Nygmob subtextual canon?

I would say yes.

But explicit, CANON canon?

A frustrating no that fandom remains, understandably, critical about.

16. If all 10 ships were put into a couple’s Hunger Games, which couple would win?

I think a toss up between Nygmob and Babitha - because everyone else has too many morals that would hold them back from killing :p

(and since Ed and Oz have both bested Babs and Tabs in the past I lean towards them... but it would depend on when in Gotham canon the games were happening!)

17. Has anybody ever tried to sabotage 10’s ship?

Breaking up Cosima and Delphine was a LITERAL PLOT POINT of Orphan Black at one point, so very much yes! I forget the details (the show got very twisty, with lots of different organisations working on different agendas in the shadows), but I’m pretty sure Delphine was shot because she was protecting Cosima. I remember it BROKE MY HEART and I thought it was a casebook example of Bury Your Gays. But, spoiler: it wasn’t ;)

18. Which ship would you defend to the death and beyond?

Going with DeanCas, because I think that, historically, it’s the one that’s been in most need of defending.

19. Do you spend hours a day going through 1’s tumblr page?

Not anymore I’m afraid. Though 3 or so years ago I used to spend most of my free time on DeanCas and spn meta. Ah, nostalgia.

20. If an evil witch descended from the sky and told you that you had to pick one of the ten ships to break up forever or else she´d break them all forever, which ship would you sink?

Foxma. Because while I adore the idea of a messy, confused ~something between them, in my heart I know that Foxy deserves better :P

I was too tired to bother with tagging the first time I completed this - DEF not gonna bother now!

Play if you want - it’s fun :D

#a true but boring story #about me

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cassburger215 · 6 years

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‘Til Death - Part 3

Dean x Reader

Summary: When the reader finds herself in need of outside help, she calls the Winchester brothers to cash in an old favor. A call that changes everything.

Word Count: 2100+

A/N: I’m so so so sorry that it’s been so long since I’ve updated this. It was a combination of work life, personal life, holidays, procrastination, and figuring out how to move forward on it. So I tried to make it long for lost time. Hope you enjoy and please comment!

P.S. Who’s waiting to see Danneel on SPN tonight?!

MASTERLIST

"Could you turn that down? My ears are bleeding," you yelled over the loud rock music.

Dean turned to look back at you from the driver's seat, his head bopping and mouthing the lyrics. He gave you a cheeky grin in response. You glared, reaching forward to turn it down yourself instead. A sigh of relief left your mouth as Led Zeppelin became background noise. Now you could actually think.

"How much longer?" is your second question. You'd been on the road for at least eight hours already. Food sounded good right about now too.

"At least another four hours," Sam said. "There's a town not too far that we can stop in for fuel."

You nodded your head. You just hoped this worked.

It'd been two weeks since you left Indiana with the brothers and so far nothing had come of it. There was no hint of where Sara could be. Sam searched everywhere from online to public records in libraries. Nothing. It infuriated you that you couldn't remember anything about where she had been taken. The only information you had was the name of the agency that Sara was adopted through.

Which is why you were currently on your way to your hometown in South Dakota. A place you hadn't set foot in in years.

With nothing else to do, you let your hands fall to your lap and stare out the window. Not that there was much to see. Iowa was all flat land. Boring.

Your mind runs back through the past couple weeks.

The most prominent thing to happen was meeting Castiel. Because apparently, angels exist now. Your head was still throbbing with the revelation. Being an atheist, it was difficult to be forced into changing lifelong held beliefs.

Oh, and they could magically heal people. You placed your hand over the area that was once crudely stitched together skin. Now there wasn’t even a scar. Frankly, it creeped you out. But for the purposes of your mission it was helpful.

When you had asked Sam and Dean why they had an angel in their pocket, you didn’t get much of an answer. ‘Long story’ was the offered response. Then they were weird around you sometimes, doing their little silent conversations or whisper-arguing to each other when they thought you weren’t watching.

They were hiding something from you. Something big.

You decided not to push it though. You had Sara to worry about and you weren’t going to get far without the brothers’ help.

In no time, the impala was driving up to the entrance of Harmony Adoptions.

“Alright, what’s the game plan?” Dean spoke up, looking to me through the rearview mirror. Right. This was my deal.

“Umm... FBI?” you said uncertainly. You hadn’t really done anything like this before. Most of the cases you hunt don’t require posing as authority to get answers.

Sam shook his head. “I wouldn’t. Not with adoption agencies. They will be tight-lipped. You know, red tape and all. They’ll request a warrant before releasing anything to you.”

“Well, that’s all I got,” you shrugged. You all sat in silence for a moment, watching the place as you thought.

The front door pushed out to reveal a couple holding hands, speaking to what appeared to be an employee as they left. They looked hopeful, the man smiling widely before planting one on the girl’s temple. Then they departed.

“Lightbulb,” you suddenly said, pushing yourself up to the front seats. Dean crooked an eyebrow at you. You gestured toward the couple that just left.

“Pose as a couple wanting to adopt,” Sam finished your thought out loud. You nod. “That could work. It would get us into the building, get a tour of the facilities...”

“Exactly,” you said. “So... who’s the lucky couple? I personally think gay sells.”

Both screwed their faces up, a clear shutdown of the idea - which made you chuckle. Sam wagged his finger between you and Dean.

“You two go ahead. I don’t think me and Y/N would really pass as a couple.”

Dean quickly scrutinized you two. “Yup, you got that right.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Jerk.”

“Bitch,” Dean shot back with a crooked grin. He then looked straight to you. “Guess it’s you and me, sweetheart.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Your heart beat slightly faster. You cleared your throat before continuing, “It’ll have to wait until tomorrow. Make an appointment.”

With a plan in place, the impala pulled out of the lot in search for a motel. Something that had been interesting in terms of sleeping arrangements the past couple weeks. If there was a couch, usually that’s where you slept since neither Sam or Dean could fit comfortably with their large frames.

However more often than not, a couch was out of the question in motels. By then it’s a game of rock, paper, scissors for the floor. It made you feel slightly guilty because Sam usually got the short stick.

You would get your own room, but that meant more money that neither of you had. You tried not to use your fake card more than necessary. You know, keep the felonies to a minimum.

It took a minute to find one that wasn’t completely skeevy, but finally a small family owned place was found on the outskirts of town. Which was even better. Less likely to run into trouble.

After you all checked in, and Sam relegated to the floor once again, Dean announced he was going on a food run. Which likely included a bar stop, so we’d not see him for a while.

And now, during this down time with Sam, it was hard to ignore your growing thoughts about the town you were currently in.

Something else occurred to you too.

“Hey Sam, I’ll be back in a bit,” you said as you pulled on a coat. Sam was looking for something in the leather journal the boys always carried around. He quickly looked up after you spoke though, the journal closing as he raised from the bed.

“Woah, hey. Where are you going?”

“It’s not really any of your business.” You got defensive. You couldn’t help it, but the look on Sam’s face made you backtrack. “It has nothing to do with you, okay? I just need to check something.”

“Well, Dean took the car and the only thing within 5 miles of us is a quickie mart.”

You forgot about the car.

“I’m walking,” you declared. It’s not like you didn’t know how to get there from here. It would just take 3 times the amount of time. You gave a sharp nod to yourself, cementing the new plan into your mind.

“I’m coming with you.”

Ugh. You shook your head at him again. He was a cool guy and all, and he was helping you out big time with your sister, but sometimes you questioned how this kid hunted with his personality.

“I’m 26 you know. Just like you,” Sam said, his lips turning upward. You had muttered your thoughts out loud by mistake. “And as for my character… well, there’s a lot you don’t know Y/N.”

Again, you wanted to know what him and Dean had been whispering about behind your back. It unnerved you, not knowing. Yet, the way he said that made you think he was talking about something else.

Sam cleared his throat after a beat. You just stood there lost in your thoughts but snapped out of it when he spoke again. “So, where to?”

Deciding to give up on getting rid of the bodyguard, you let out a sigh and opened the door.

“Somewhere painful.”

Barren. The place was nothing but old walls and scratched floors. There wasn’t even a folding chair or an old lamp sitting in a corner. Just empty. Forgotten.

Kind of like how you felt.

You began to ask yourself why it was a good idea to come back to your old home. Wondered what possessed you to travel across town by foot to a place that held more bad memories than good.

Sam wavered at the front entrance, settling for leaning against the door jamb and staring at the opposite side while you trailed your hand along the wall of what used to be the den.

It wasn’t a big house. One story, two bedrooms, one bath. The tiny kitchen and den shared space, then the rest was down a hallway. It surprised you, how much you remembered.

There used to be a horrid plaid couch that sat in the dead center of the room, facing the small window. You used to abhor that couch. The color, the smell, the texture. You hoped it went to a dumpster after you were taken away. Or lit on fire.

You could still imagine the bookcase filled with cheap board games and puzzles since you didn’t own a tv. The kitchen had a drawer next to the oven that would stick unless you banged on the counter. The leaky roof. The tire swing in the neighbor’s backyard. Your sister singing along to Bon Jovi with a hairbrush in hand and an air guitar that rivaled your own.

A sob left your lips.

“Y/N?”

With wobbly knees you eased to the floor. Sam had joined you, shoulders knocking into each other. He didn’t say anything as you felt a single tear slide down your cheek.

Suddenly you slammed your hand into the laminate flooring. The smacking sound that accompanied it made Sam flinch.

“I hate her,” you slammed your hand again. “I hate her for dying.”

Sam got more comfortable, spread his legs out. “Your mom?”

You nodded your head. Memories of your mother were bombarding your mind. Good and bad, but mostly bad. Like the nights she’d come home drunk at 2 in the morning or the time she sold your bed frame to make rent that month.

You wished there were more times like when you’d all played monopoly, or being taken to the park on a Saturday morning because mom insisted it was too nice to stay inside.

Wished for more times when you loved her rather than resented her.

It didn’t matter much now, though. She was gone and left a shit storm behind for you and Sara to deal with alone. You’d resigned yourself to that a long time ago.

After a moment of silence Sam opened his mouth to speak, but hesitated.

“Just ask it.”

He blew out a breath.

“Your mom. Did she die because of…” he trailed off before gesturing to himself. ‘A monster’ was what he was trying to say. You gave a hard chuckle in response.

“Not even close,” you said with a shake of your head. “No, she died driving drunk and running right into a pole.”

Mom was a struggling recovering alcoholic. She would try so hard to stay sober, but never made it past a month or two. You remembered walking into the kitchen one night after she’d fallen off the wagon again. Saw her stare at the empty liquor bottle before bursting into tears.

I’m so sorry, baby. I’m not strong enough.

You looked to Sam again when he gripped your shoulder and gave him a grim smile.

“Why come back if you hate the place?”

“I had to see if it was still there, I guess.”

His eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. “It?”

“The light,” you replied softly. The good. The happy moments. You swiped at your now dry cheek. “And it is. Come on, I just remembered something. Then we can go.”

You hoisted yourself up and Sam followed you down the short hallway. You opened the creaky door to your’s and Sara’s old room. It was weird to see it so bare, but the walls were still blue and funnily enough the plain white sheet that acted as the partition to your closet was still there.

Walking over and pulling it back, you found what you were looking for with the natural light filtering in from the window.

Your hand brushed against the uneven surface of your name cut into the baseboard of the back closet wall. Right next to it, was Sara’s.

One boring night you two decided to immortalize yourselves and all you had that was sharp enough was your house key. It took forever with the dull edge, something you both groaned over after the fact. You had to have been fourteen at the time, making Sara seven.

And now it was going to be the second thing you had of your sister.

“Help me take this out.”

An hour later and you were back at the motel, Sam in tow and the pried piece of wood in your hand.