#4. i’ve also always been a social outcast but in a sort of everyone knows me and most like me(?) but never really had solid groups of -

[donotexterminateupgradepudding]

Lucifer Morningstar is an introvert.  A very awkward and unusual introvert.

In an attempt to not create a bunch of random side-blogs, I’m just going to drop this here.  Sorry Doctor Who/Torchwood fans.

With the whole covid-19 thing, I’ve been trapped at home more than I had anticipated recently and I was looking for something a bit more fun and frivolous to watch so I finally gave Lucifer a go.

I honestly don’t know why it took me so long to get to this, my brother had watched it when it was on tv and had mentioned it in passing several times.  Suffice to say, once I finally gave into Netflix, I found it to be quite an enjoyable watch.

What really struck me in the serious is how it becomes obvious that Lucifer is an introverted character who is hurt.  Wait - what you are thinking?  He’s an introvert?  Oh man, he’s totally a huge introvert.

Let me walk you through why he’s clearly an introvert despite a quick glance at his outward actions.

1.) Hiding in plain sight. 

An interesting aspect to his personality is how he hides in plain sight.  When he moves to LA, he rents the building that houses Lux and his penthouse suite.  Lux is a place where he is surrounded by people, if he wants to partake in revelry all he needs to do is go downstairs and party with people in the club.  However, he can also retreat to his place easily which is surprisingly well stocked with books and another piano for him to play in private.  I doubt all of his books are for show, he frequently denies thinking deeply about things, but he always seems to be one step ahead of others which has always implied to me he plays the “I’m smarter than I look/act” card.  Early on in the show, he occasionally invited people up to his place to party but it wasn’t a common experience.  Think of the pizza delivery guy being invited to stay and party.

Despite his love of drinking, drug use and sex, he makes it quite clear that drinking and drug use rarely have an effect on him for long.  He is rarely hung over or wasted since his metabolism clears the alcohol too quickly for him to feel it and on multiple occasions he states he mainly drinks as he likes the taste.  One of the few times he was high was after he smoked a massive amount of pot at the teenage delinquent recovery farm as indicated by him sitting at the detective’s desk eating potato chips and dipping them in nutella realizing it was an amazing flavor combination.  For him, drugs seem to simply be something that is fun and a way to amuse himself and based on his drinking, it is mainly a way to meet and socialize with people.

As far as the sex, it is clear that he uses his casual hook-ups as a fun distraction.  To avoid any possible intimacy with others, he hides behind the fact that sex is a pleasurable act and by keeping his sex life 100% casual, no person in his or her right mind would even consider dating him.  He has made himself impossible to be seen as possible long term boyfriend in a steady relationship.  He likely struggles with his own angelic power to pull out people’s desires and his ability to seduce them.  Since his default is to have people literally throw themselves at him, he likely sees most of them acting in response to his powers and necessarily to him as a person.  As he wants people to follow their desires and free-will (as he simply removed the inhibitions that were present and did not create them) he gladly indulges them as well as himself.  If I were him, I’d be like “well why not?” an attractive person wants to sleep with me, sure do it, no harm, no foul.

I found it most telling based on how sensitive he is to his sexual reputation as well as his ability to meet his current sexual partner’s needs.  First off, when a random kid pretended to be him, he was incredibly upset that his imposter lacked his skills.  He’s Lucifer Morningstar, he has skills and a reputation associated with them.  Secondly, when the detective decided to interview his previous partners for the past 8 weeks (all 92 of them) two things were very obvious i.) he went to great lengths to make sure no matter what he did, that person had the most amazing sex of his or her life ii.) not a single person he slept with saw it as anything more than an amazing night of no strings attracted sex.  His actions did not inspire them to want more of a relationship from him.  How his facial expression become quite sad as all 92 of them stated it was just empty sex showed how alone he is. Another unusual trait is that he has been the most sexually responsible angel ever.  Granted, the vast majority of angels were never going to have sex in the first place, yet he has a much more responsible track record than Amenadiel.  It is clear that he has had sex with thousands upon thousands of humans over the years and he never once resulted in a human-angel pregnancy.  This may also be linked to the fact that Amenadiel by default, desires a ‘normal’ regular relationship while Lucifer has been avoiding having a “normal” relationship.  It would imply that if he found someone to have a kid with, he would be in a “normal” long term relationship with that person.

Overall, his first career on earth was to make sure he had an establishment that represented what he felt others perceived as his core personality, that as the devil, he would have to surround himself by partying and temptations.  Owning Lux is a way for him to keep up appearances and maintain his public persona as well as his persona that is seen by celestial beings.  Lucifer is a classic example of a character who is totally alone in a crowd.

2.) Few close friends

Another true introvert trait is to have a small tight knit group of friends.  Lucifer fits to this exactly.  He has excellent social skills, and again due to his former job and his nature, yet does many actions by smooth, polite and calculated actions - from a distance.  His job of granting favors is based on how he knows someone, who knows someone, forming a vast network he has to draw upon to make sure that the favors work out the way the person would like them to.  He doesn’t do the favors though because he cares for the person, more than he seems to do it to pass the time until he finds a job with more meaning.

It is starting his second job as a civilian consultant for the LAPD that his preference and need for a small friend group becomes obvious.  The most obvious one is his relationship with Chloe. 

Chloe Decker: He is first intrigued at why his powers do not work on her, his immediate physical attraction to her as well as seeing her as a kindred spirit also drew him to her. She is the outcast of the department and he knows all too well what it feels like to be the literal outcast.  As a result of their common situation and the fact he can’t sway her, the two of them can speak openly and honestly.  Granted, the biggest issue with his relationship with Chloe is the fact that she denies the obvious truth that he tells her even though she has seen enough evidence that he likely is not some random British guy living in LA running a high end nightclub.

As their relationship deepens he begins to find comfort in the fact that despite his inability to influence her, she still appreciates his company and values him as a friend and a work partner.  Even though he panics and holds her miracle status against her at first, he comes to realize she can’t be held responsible for something she has no control of and is unaware of.  Linda time and time again tries to get him to realize that he keeps her away due to his absolute fear that she would reject him.  Since she’s the only person who could accept him as is, it means her acceptance of him is the biggest risk to his own heart in regards to her. 

In part, his complicated relationship is tied to his fear that she would reject him, so him loving and caring for a single person as he does for her is too risky.  He’s a seriously hurt dude, he’s terrified of being hurt anymore by someone he cares for.  Chloe really takes a long time to realize how deeply he is hurt.  I get that she’s his opposite but I do felt out of all of the characters, she got short end of the stick in regards to character development.  Everyone else has had major changes and realizations yet she only sort of struggled with Lucifer’s identity in the first half of season 4 and she was off her “mark” when she was a bit preachy with him.  Thankfully, she stopped that bit and realized that he more needed her to listen to him and to support him.  It really got that concept that sometimes you need to just be there for someone and not try to fix it - since Chloe is a fixer. 

Mazikeen:  She is his right-hand woman.  The only demon to leave hell to follow him to earth, she first acted as his personal assistant, running the day to day operations of Lux and also working as a bartender.  Despite all of their conflicts, they care deeply for each other and have each other’s back.

The hardest part of growth in their relationship is when it went from master-servant/boss-assistant to more that of peers.  Even as he began to change in how he worked with humans, he keep their relationship as their default from hell.  He really hurt her feelings since she developed feelings and both of them are terrible at expressing them to others.  They have a relationship and work dynamic that they had for thousands and thousands of years - it is pretty impressive that they are learning and growing in a relatively short time period to respect each other and mature.

I found the most emotionally moving parts between them to be in season 3 when Chloe begins to get involved with Cain/Pierce and he expresses his worry that at least he has her and she’ll never leave him.  Maze interprets this as him being selfish and treating her as his number 2.  She lashes out at him and all he does is look back at her in return is hurt as he almost quivers.  Since she was his right hand woman in hell, she is the person with whom he has had the longest and most trusting relationship with since being cast into hell.  Did he phrase things in a way that helped in the situation - no.  But was he telling her his honest feelings that he really does feel like she is someone who is always there for him and supports him - yes.   When she goes behind his back to work with Cain/Pierce, he’s hurt and feels betrayed.  Sure, some of it is karmic payback for the times he’s hurt her, but after his failed experiment with Abel, he has every right to not just pop willy-nilly between earth and hell.

I have the vibe that they will eventually settle into a sibling like relationship treating each other the same way he interacts with his angel siblings like Amenadiel and Azrael.

Ella Lopez: So far Ella has been the only human friend that he has worked with with whom he hasn’t used his angelic charms on.  He was uncomfortable around her at first; she’s religious, she’s outwardly friendly and very much into giving hugs.  Ella “wastes” her time on what he would see as pointless pleasantries in the office.  Yes, Lucifer will lay on the pleasantries, but his always have a purpose - Ella’s are just her being nice.  He did like her opinion that the devil got a bad rap, but then she kept thinking he was a method actor in addition to being a nightclub owner.

Despite their obvious differences the two of them are both very straightforward people who have a strong sense of personal justice and are dedicated to solving the crimes.  He quickly begins to joke around with her and with her four older brothers, she finds no issue with dealing with his antics - it is more like par for the course. 

The fact that Azrael also couldn’t help but become friends with her seems to indicate she has some sort of personality that celestial beings really like, especially those who have the shittier jobs e.g. Lucifer running hell and punishing and Azrael being the angel of death dealing with, well, death.  The fact that she made sure Ella would become friends with Lucifer was really sweet and even though he was at first upset since he doesn’t like people trying to manipulate with him, he realized that Azrael’s action was in right place. She got her favorite brother and favorite human to become friends since she knew they would get along even if she couldn’t be with them - you know, having the whole angel of death as her day job.

His love of Ella as a friend though came out when her older brother Jay was in town and mixed up in the illegal diamond cleaning.  Yes, he brought his own feelings with his older brother into the mix, but he was correct.  Jay is not the absolutely perfect brother, he was involved in shady stuff.  I think when he confronted Jay was one of the best scenes in regards to him standing up for and protecting his friends.  He made it very clear that if Jay ever hurt Ella again he’d be in trouble as he knew how important it was to her to continue to see her brother in her own most positive light.

I really get the vibe that they feed off of each other being goofballs - Ella was a nerd and picked on as kid and had a lot of issues to deal with.  He’s the cast out son, they are both outcasts on the rebound and they like to have fun with each other.  This really comes to a head in season 4 when Lucifer, Chloe and Ella go to the nudist colony.   Chloe is a complete stick in the mud and by the time she turns around the two of them are naked and ready to go.  As adults on their own and away from their family and their former “teenage” issues they finally get to be who they want to be and I just think their dynamic duo antics are adorable.  She is the friend that will do silly things with him while Chloe remains too, well stoic. When Ella has her crisis of faith, Lucifer doesn’t fan the flames instead, he’s confused how to react so he doesn’t tell her what to think.

Trixie:   She immediately loved Lucifer from the moment she met him.  He is incredibly awkward with her.  He’s not sure to do with her little kid hugs, he tries to not hold her hand when they investigate the elite private school.  Yet, no matter how frequently he calls her a little urchin and doesn’t understand why she likes him, she grows on him.

I personally loved her bedroom sign in the first season - “Trixie’s room - no boys allowed - except for Lucifer.”

Trixie is a classic example of kid radar seeing people for who they are; she accepts Lucifer and Maze with no judgement, she just sees them as these rad adults whom she can play with. 

I really liked when he tried to buy her the new doll since she destroyed her old one - in a way he respected her kid logic - did it teach her a lesson - no.  But it was a logical extension as a means to an end.  He came from a background of illogical parenting so to speak.  He dealt with rules that didn’t always make sense it is clear he spent too much time pondering them thus leading to his current situation.

Does he like other children still? Not really, he still didn’t know what to do when he touched a kid’s head with a little pat as his backyard picnic with Cain as he wiped his hand on his sweater.   Yet, since he has gotten to know Trixie through his interactions with her it is clear that he likes her.

Dr. Linda Martin: Dr. Martin is my fav female character on the entire show as she is a compassionate, caring and intelligent individual and a secret badass.  Her relationship with Lucifer started how all of his interactions with people who desire him do - with her wanting to sleep with him.  Over time, she realizes that she can’t and shouldn’t be sleeping with him and he also begins to realize that he can work with her without having to pay her with his body and pay her the normal way - with money.  He learns to treat himself with more respect and not just give away himself to her.  Showing a bit of a shift in how he sees himself with those he actually knows.

I think she really was his first example of how to have a normal human transaction with well, a human.  She is incredibly patient with him and even when he reveals his true self to her, she is able to accept him with a little nudge from Maze.  Despite being overwhelmed due to his families odd demands on her and almost killed by his very upset and stressed out mother, she protects him as a client and as a friend. 

Sure, he always interprets her advice in interesting ways and she knows him well enough to realize that he avoids things and is in denial but she always still cares for him.  He also does frequently figure out what she wants him to realize - he just likes to make it more difficult for himself.  I wonder if the more that they got to know each other, his ability to influence her waned as she saw him as more than a playboy and he saw her as a doctor who could help him and later as a good and trusted friend.

Most importantly, she never gives up on him and truly believes in him despite all of his detours and distractions.  When he has his identity crisis in season 4, she is the first person he shows his devil wings to.  This comes from a place of deep trust in her and even though she can’t help him, she is there for him as a friend. 

I don’t think he’d ever admit it to her directly, but Lucifer likely understands that Linda’s friendship with Maze has helped Maze grow as a person - er demon - and her advice has helped him in how he interacts with her learning how to change his relationship with her from boss-assistant to more that of peers and friends.

Dan Espinoza: Oh yes, despite all of their stupid male ego headbutting, Lucifer is friends with Dan and he does care for the man.  When they first met, Dan was definitely a being a bit of a dick to Chloe; mainly by keeping his own secrets to protect her even though it drove her nuts.  If anything bothers Lucifer more it is people lying and hiding things from him.  Lucifer is almost pathological with telling the truth and not lying; and well Dan was not the most honest at the beginning.

So of course, he received full on Lucifer hazing; once the police admin punished him by demoting him for messing with evidence he slowly became more sympathetic to Dan.  He did use his skills to get Dan to admit that he wanted to correct his mistakes and when Dan started to lose it with Azrael’s blade, he saw that Dan was a stronger and more complicated man than he wanted him to be.  If Dan were a simple man, driven by simple desires and actions, Lucifer could write him off.  But Dan isn’t, his biggest change is when he realized he needed to stop calling him Detective Douche and actually call him Dan, in part due to Dan standing up to his teasing.  

Was it right for Lucifer to keep up his petty antics for so long?  Likely not, but Lucifer learned that some of Dan’s actions and personality traits are actually good things and his day shadowing Dan was annoying for poor Dan, but at least allowed him to realize that not everyone is the same.

Lucifer also has been more honest about his feelings in front of Dan than many others - when they went to get a favor from the Russian mob boss, he freely admitted his own hatred for himself and how he hurts everyone he cares about. If he said that in front of Chloe or Ella, both of them would rush to tell him it isn’t true and he’s being too hard on himself.  Instead, Dan kept his distance and realized that both of them think the grass is greener on their side of the fence.  Lucifer is secretly jealous of Dan’s more simple approach to things and Dan thinks Lucifer truly is careless and wishes he could be a flippant as he appears to be.

Dan really is a reminder how how Lucifer is unable to open up to others and make himself more vulnerable.  Unfortunately, this results in Dan frequently getting hurt and he makes epic bad decisions in season 4 out of grief over Charlotte’s death, blaming Lucifer for all of his pain.  But no matter what happens, it is clear that Lucifer would not wish for bad things to happen to Dan as he is a good guy and a capable detective.

Is their friendship a perfect one?  Far from it, but both of them really do try to care and support the other guy as long as they aren’t pissed off at each other.  It likely doesn’t help that Lucifer’s friendship with Dan is pretty much his only one with a normal human guy.  He’s got plenty of angelic brothers and Cain really isn’t normal by a long shot so it makes Dan even more important to have him in his circle of close friends.  As a 100% totally normal dude, Dan acts frequently as the ‘in’ to understanding (or really lack of understanding) what is happening.

Eve:  I just finished re-watching season 4.  I’m still not sure where I’d place Eve in all of this.  She’s only in season 4 so far and based on her actions, I’m not sure I’d call her one of his close friends. If anything she was pretty much an impediment to all of his relationships - albeit maybe not quite on purpose . . .  she’s a woman who still hasn’t figured out who she is despite realizing she needs to not define herself in the context of a relationship. 

Sorry for not having more thoughts on this, I need to ponder it more. 

What I will say is that their relationship issues stem from the fact that he is an introvert and she’s an extrovert.  He realized that Eve was a “bad” influence on him and he struggled to express his feelings to her.  The fact that it takes him shouting out at her that he “doesn’t like who he is when he’s with her” was painfully difficult for him to say.  It is clear that he cares about her deeply and he wants her to be happy.  Yet, he can’t and really doesn’t want to deliver on her actions or feelings.  The worst part is that it tears him up inside since in a way he saw her as a possible long term partner which was a big deal for him.

3.) Works either alone or in small groups. 

When it comes to his role with the LAPD, Lucifer’s modes of action are not that of a typical extrovert.  He is either working closely with his partner Chloe, or occasionally with Ella or Dan.  He is never part of a large group nor is he taking a typical leadership role.  Due to his need to protect others and his need to get answers as quickly and directly as possible, he frequently goes off on his own.  In part, this is so that he can take full advantage of his angelic powers and immortality, but also to protect those he cares about.  Sure, he walks into a Korean gang headquarters and tells them to come out, but he doesn’t try to chit chat or smooth things over with them.  He goes in, finds the head boss and pretty much strikes a deal with him that he can’t refuse.  When he wants an answer his methods are far too direct.  Find suspect/target/person and just question them or threaten them and then question them.  There is no charming and social games.  He can’t be bothered with banal pleasantries when he wants to know something.  If Lucifer were a true extrovert he would want to talk to others and feed off of the energy he gets from being with them - yet - he never has shown this.  He sees getting information as a task he needs to complete as quickly and efficiently as possible.

Even though he is hurt when Chloe and Cain become closer and begin to hang out or work cases without him, he still shows up and does work to help out with cases.  He also is good at working by himself and is able to work things out when he applies himself.

He also has an excellent sense of intuition when reading people.  Of course, one of the major aspects of the show is that he projects his own issues onto others.  This leads him off of what they are doing sometimes, so his read isn’t quite right.  But he is perceptive when he sees odd behaviors and is able to connect things without full information.  This is both what he did with Ella’s brother Jay and more importantly with Pierce/Cain.  He invites him for a drink and then stabs him with the knife.  He looks incredibly nervous after he kills him as he can’t kill a human as an angel - he keeps switching between trying to be calm and have a drink while he waits for him to wake up with a nervous sweat.  Did he know for sure Pierce was Cain?  No, hence the nervousness until his intuition was proven correct was his true feelings on his gamble.

Furthermore, when he does work with Chloe or others, he always has their back and will go to any length to work with them.  This to me indicates that he finds working with a select few people with whom he can trust is how he is most comfortable and he doesn’t need to be the center of attention and the one in charge like how he was in charge of hell. It is clear that by the end of season 4 even though he returned to hell it wasn’t because he enjoyed to or wanted to - it was because he had to protect everyone he cared about.  He also has a natural chemistry and ease working with Chloe where even in tough situations they instinctively know what to do and how to act.

4.) He expresses himself through actions. 

Lucifer is an incredibly hurt individual.  He was punished by having to take a job that he didn’t even want or even desire and most of his family abandoned him.  He’s terrified to open up and show his true feelings and pain to others as they would take advantage of it as a weakness to hurt him further. Honestly, I think he still doesn’t quite understand how his actions landed him in hell.  He was questioning the establishment and it is clear he thinks deeply about rules and how they influence others.  Anything he thinks is illogical he ignores as he can’t be bothered to care to follow those rules and conventions.  I think about how he made Chloe rethink the “swear jar” for Trixie - he pointed out rules without a clear basis don’t make sense.

Since he struggles to express his feelings in a way to help others. e.g. mainly in his denial/fear to tell Chloe he truth does two things; i.) he makes it about him or ii.) he tries to demonstrate through his actions.

The making it about him method, is a subtle way where he wants to know how to solve his own problem to help him understand or interact with others.  But since he doesn’t want to say for example “I need to figure out how Cain can die since I promised him and I am true to my word.” he instead hides behind the idea of “I need to find the author’s killer so I can read how she got over her writers block.”  By extension, since the manuscript is an instruction guide, he thinks he’ll learn something so that he can follow through on his promise.  It is a very obtuse way to act, but since he hides behind his narcissistic facade no one will understand he’s not doing it for himself.

As far as his actions, he really shows it when he reorganizes Chloe’s desk; he realizes that she deals with all the paperwork and since she is capable she gets even more paperwork piled on to her workload.  He cleans up her mess and anal retentively arranges her pencils and makes sure the right angles on the files are all lined up.  He also found a method of filing that makes more sense to him and it inadvertently helps her find the missing piece of evidence for their most recent case.  I liked how he color coded everything.  Did he need to add the picture of him in his underwear as her backdrop?  Hell no, but he figures out that since she likes him, what’s wrong with her seeing a part of him that she likely will never see.

This also gets him into trouble; again, buying the doll for Trixie, trying to out perform Cain in gifts for Chloe and always seeing things as a competition.  He wants to give people physical proof of his care for people without actually saying it.  Specifically he wants to express his care through a tangible amount of some sort of physical object.

5.) He hides behind his narcissistic behaviors. 

As Lucifer struggles to come to terms with himself and expressing his feelings he has hid behind his narcissism.  What is a great way to keep people away from you and keeping your distance from them?  Being completely self-absorbed with yourself that no one would ever want to be friends with you.  His narcissism is a HUGE turnoff for the vast majority of the population.

It is so clear that he wants to develop close relationships but he’s so afraid of hurting others and even more so hurting himself. He’s hid behind his hedonistic behaviors and his self-absorbed actions for thousands of years.  He really is a very particular person; he is constantly adjusting his sleeves under his suit coat, his shoes are always perfect, he moisturizes and his hair is styled elegantly.  He likes things arranged elegantly and it shows how important control is to him.  If he is 100% in control of everything, again he’s protected from being hurt.

As he works at the LAPD and forms his important friendships, his appearance changes.  In the first season, he wears black or dark grey suits, his shirts are white, black, dark purple, dark blue and grey, if I recall correctly.  He keeps his look simple and professional, almost cold.  His matching pocket squares are also basic and mainly a single solid color with few patterns.

Yet overtime, he becomes more adventurous in his appearance, he starts wearing more light blue shirts, he begins to add in more color with burgundy, forest green, and even a caramel colored suit.  His pocket squares become more interesting with patterns and more color combinations.  With the increase in color and variety he appears much more approachable and has more of an air of friendliness even though he still only cares for his small group of friends.

A case that was a real struggle for him was with the online dating app for “fabulous” people - Top Meet.  He wanted to continue to judge people based on superficial appearances, as it has been his own wall and it has served him well.  When they ultimately confront the killer, his own knowledge of nature and narcissists allows him to save the day by tossing the head sculpture at him and the detective can apprehend him.

His car serves as both another front and also shows how he longs for few intimate friendships or relationships.  He’s got that lovely little Corvette and it is a two-seater.  He doesn’t drive a giant, flashy car that can fit lots of people.  Instead, he has a small almost cute (I personally think it is cute) car that only another person can sit in.  He only wants to ride with one person at a time as he values his close relationships.  Yet, having a car that only can fit one other passenger shows a part of his narcissistic front - that only a person who he’d see as worthy would be able to ride with him.

Overall, by looking at how Lucifer chose to have a job on earth in a nightclub where he could simply hide was the first indication he’s an introverted character.  The longer he has been in LA, the more close friendships he has formed and they are very important to him as well as his oldest friendship with Maze.  When he realized that Maze was attracted to Eve, he noticed it, but hasn’t made mention of it yet (likely that will happen in season 5).  The fact that he noticed it meant he really has stopped seeing her as his right hand woman and more just as an individual with feelings.  His close friendships really show that he’s an introvert not an extrovert.  It is obvious that he gains meaning and connection from these close relationships in a way he never experienced before.  His preference for working either alone or in a small team also shows that he is much more comfortable as well as his preference to express himself through actions as opposed to using words since that is much harder and more uncomfortable.  Lastly, by hiding himself from all others behind a self-absorbed image he has been able to keep others away from him for thousands of years.

The major point about his character growth is learning that having a small support group of real friends and family he can find what he’s been looking for.  A place to belong and be accepted.

[chaniters]

SUNKEN TOWN

Episode 4 of my Awan Cormac second series! (Belonging to @kruk-art)

Spoilers in this one too!

Enjoy!

__________________________

Rangers HQ

“There’s nothing there!” Anathema says, enhancing the image

“We just need to go over the parameters. Can you switch to thermal readings?”

“Already did and it’s not turning up anything” 

“Why are we letting the civilian into the city’s camera security feed again?” Steel complains.

“If he thinks he’s onto something,” Ortega says tiredly “We ought to try”

“Combine thermal and visual trough this filter,” you say handing him a Data-rod.  “That should get us what we want” 

“Sure, but I think we’re a bit past filters by now. This isn’t going to… “ he stops mid-sentence as the image changes radically 

“...wow. You’ve got to be joking!” he says as the image shows a ghostly figure walking the streets, unseen by all civilians.

“I told you he was using cloaking devices!” you say exasperated.

Ortega goes silent as he observes Void leave the camera’s fixed angle. 

Anathema doesn’t wait for your cue and applies the same procedure to other cameras. Soon, they begin showing images of Void, setting up the hospital attack from the shadows. 

“That’s enough, the tech team can take it from here,” Ortega says putting a palm on Anathema’s shoulder. Technicians begin duplicating the procedure over the rest of the city-wide security feed as you all follow him to the meeting room. 

“Good job, Sidestep,” he says with a smile

……………………………………………………….

It takes hours, and they won’t even let you back into the tech-room. Your access got rescinded after Steel started quoting regulations. Nothing to do but wait and you’re in no mood for Ortega’s shenanigans. 

You keep fiddling with your targeting jammer, trying to amplify its powers, since that’s all you can really do. The ranger tech-tools you stole are admittedly better than your old work tools at home, and you want to fine-tune the hell out of it for the next time you meet Void. 

An annoying tingling at the back of your skull starts distracting you from your work, while you do your best to ignore it. Contrary to what you would expect, It doesn’t go away but begins burning mercilessly, like a hot iron. No. Not iron.

“What?” you say without turning, as you feel you can’t take it anymore.  

“I see you already helped yourself to our tech,” Steel says, arms crossed, staring at you. 

“I shared something, so it’s only fair you share something in return, don’t you think?” you retort. You generally respect Steel but you’re on edge. 

You. Are. Not. Having. It. Today. 

“I want to stop that asshole, just like you and rescue all the patients while at it. Isn’t that enough for you?”

“You seem to know an awful lot about Void”

“We do have a history. Ortega knows that already, I think he told you unless I imagined that part”

“No one fully explained what that history is, and I don’t think he knows either.”

“I helped stop him last time in case you forget!”

“Maybe so, but I think you know a lot more than you’re letting on. And I think we’re going to be at risk because you’re holding on to information.”

He’s right, and you know he’s right. But you can’t really tell him that Void was trained by a government program that creates artificial humans because that would lead to a whole different can of worms. “I told you everything I know about his mods!”

“Yes, you did. Still, I also know cloaking devices like that are experimental army tech that you’re not even supposed to know about. How you have a filter capable of seeing through it, that’s what I’m wondering.”

“Experimental stuff gets misplaced all the time, right? Like drugs that kill people or give them powers. You’re seriously coming at me because the army lost another toy? I’ve just happened to have seen this stuff before” At least this is the truth. Void’s cloaking is government made, and they misplaced it. Big time. How Void got authorization to even use back when you were both in the farm it is something that you always wondered about. Whoever handled it to him back then must be regretting it very much now that he’s gone rogue. 

He says nothing, so you take the chance to speak again.

“If that’s all you got, please go away? I don’t like being stared at”

“I’ll stop when I figure out who do you work for.” 

“What the fuck are you implying?!” you say standing up and facing him… 

“ENOUGH!” Ortega says entering the room. “Can’t I leave you two alone for more than a couple of minutes?”

“I WISH I was alone” you complain under Steel’s glare.

“You know what? You two should just…” Ortega starts before realizing the futility of it all “... whatever. I’m not your nanny… Just came to let you know that we lost them. The trail goes cold when they reach Sunken Town. The cameras end there”

“So when do we leave? I’m ready right now” you state standing up and shoving the scrambler on your backpack

“Nobody’s going right now ... What we’re going to do is keep working on it day and night. There are other… whoa. Wait!” 

You’re already walking to the door, Steel stepping to the side more than happy to have you out of the HQ

“That’s it, I heard enough. I’m going to Sunken Town alone then”

“That area’s not even mapped! And it’s huge! You’re never going to find them like that. And they’ll see you coming from miles away! Our teams are trying to trace their comms… something’s going to show up, we just need to be patient, that’s how these things work!”

“Well, that’s not how I work!”

“But… one does not simply walk into …”

You slam the door leaving him and Steel behind.

“...Sunken town” he finishes the sentence groaning. 

--------------------------------------------

Sunken Town. 

Blacked out on tourists maps of Los Diablos, the government would have it be looked at from afar but never visited. 

Former Los Angeles’ city center, the area was sprawling with skyscrapers right until the big one hit. The city’s iconic skyline turned wasteland in a matter of minutes, as the earthquake seemed to hate this area hardest. What remains now is a labyrinth, of interconnected toppled buildings leaning unsteadily onto each other in odd angles, along with a series of tunnels,  garages, basements and old subway installations.

 The new system combined to create a massive man-made cave system that is constantly expanded further by its duellers in (often catastrophic)  attempts to create new passages and recover pieces of sellable wreckage and valuables.  Everyone refers to it as the “Sunken Town” and only the most desperate dare venture -or live- here, the population consisting mostly of criminals, treasure hunters, social outcasts and the desperate. 

Declared unsafe by virtually every engineering survey, the whole area became abandoned after attempts to bulldoze the rubble caused heavy tremors and deadly incidents with the locals. By all accounts, it is a death-trap with buildings collapsing almost every week and populated by hostile and armed pariahs under the ugly shadows cast by of Los Diablos brand new buildings.  

Ortega wasn’t kidding when he said you’d never find Void like this. Even with your telepathy, the residents simply don’t know the layout well enough beyond their own turf and have confused and conflicting ideas about the rest. Picking their minds to create some sort of map won’t be effective if the pieces won’t add up. 

You switched strategies to focus on rumors of the kidnapped victims, but all you get is some silly urban legend about people getting taken in their sleep and murdered by some sort of cult hiding somewhere in here. You have a hard time imagining Void joining a cult, and while Psycopathor and his fans are actually a sort of cult, their killings tend to be public.  

You’ve been at this almost the whole day now, and not a single mention of them. It’s maddening. You might as well go back to the rangers and see if they got something by now, but that’d be admitting defeat.  The night-vision setting on your mask is really giving you a headache by now but there’s no electricity here.

Your thoughts are interrupted by stray thoughts atop one of the inclined buildings. You can hear gunshots as you lift your gaze, and then a figure jumping several stories down onto the pile or rubble below, the fall slowing down into a glide before her feet touch the ground.

Impressive. Some sort of levitating boost?

 You’re getting an adrenaline rush from her mind. Someone’s after her… and soon enough you can see her pursuers, wearing night-vision goggles. All of them jumping down behind her.

 Unlike her delicate fall, they’re using a simple combat exoskeleton enhancement over their clothing, landing heavily and leaving cracks on the old pavement. You considered getting one of those, but the batteries are faulty and need recharging all the time. 

But more importantly… Matching uniforms and equipment, and all of them chasing the same individual…? This stinks of supervillain minions. 

Without another thought, you start running towards them with your gun drawn. If you don’t act, she’s going to get caught. You hide behind a corner and pull her by the arm the moment she runs next to you. 

She tries to pull away, but you hold her arms and look into her arms while trying to calm her mind. It takes a few seconds for her to realize who you are, and then she stops struggling. In turn, you can see she’s no ordinary civilian… she’s wearing her own costume.

“I’m Sidestep, and I’m here to help.” 

“Wow. I thought I was the only one in this dump, less of all someone famous. I’m Elyise, nice to finally meet you!” 

“Any idea why those goons are chasing after you ?”

“I don’t know.. Maybe my magnetic personality? No?” she laughs nervously “Help me take those jerks down and I’ll share what I know”  

“You’ve got it,” you say to that peeking at the rubble pile from your hiding spot. 

Your mind’s sensing something odd about her. Some sort of telepathic ability bouncing off yours, too faint but it’s there. She might be an empath?. 

No time to give much thought to it as you can see her pursuers catching up. 

“She can’t have gone far! Find her now!” one of them demands, furious. 

The enemy starts running in your direction, four males and a woman, all armed, all furious and charging with their exo-skeleton suits, so it’s do or die. You pull quickly and take a shot at the one who spoke. He collapses with a shriek as the energy blast hits him squarely on the chest, while the other one avoids you taking cover. He shoots his own gun right back at you, but you’re behind cover now. Telepathy always gives you an edge in shootouts.

Elyise jumps to the side, waving her arm… causing several pieces of debris to lift from the ground and rain in her general direction. Telekinesis… magnetism? Hard to tell.  One of the enemies gets hit by a piece of wreckage and falls flat, while the other covers with their exoskeleton’s arms. Your mind tells you the one hiding is about to shoot Elyise, and thus you’re ready to take a shot the moment he pokes his head from his cover,  taking him down as well.

Only two left.  

“It’s Sidestep!” one of them screams

“I don’t care who he is, he’s not gonna get past me!” the woman answers in turn, ripping the door from a rusted car, and charging towards you. The old door blocks your shots and Elyise’s wreckage rain, letting the other minion follow.

Both of you are forced to duck as the one closer to you flings the door in your direction, missing narrowly. Falling to the side, you roll to avoid getting stomped by the male minion, but end up taking a hit to your hand, forcing the gun out of your fingers. Elyise’s got her plate full, gliding to the side to avoid the other one.

“You're so beautiful in that suit… I’m going to enjoy turning you to a pulp!” the woman screams charging her, sending fist after fist, edging closer to her.

Your opponent gets ready to finish you off, pulling his fist back, ready to crush your skull… but luckily he’s forgotten who you are. You haven’t. 

Stepping to the side, you let his fist get stuck in a decayed brick wall.

You can’t help the smile under your mask as he struggles to free himself realizing his mistake, not fast enough to avoid the spinning kick that turns light’s out for him. 

Turning to help Elyise turns unnecessary, as she’s lifting her opponent in the air as she flails her arms fruitlessly before being slammed into the dirt so hard it makes you close your eyes. 

“Who’s the pulp now, asshole??” she says kicking her a few times. Perhaps there are some anger management problems there…?

“Well, that takes care of the trash,” she says dusting her hands “We have to bind them so they don’t report back on us and…”

“Leave that to me,” you say focusing on their unconscious minds. It takes a few moments, but it’s relatively easy now that they’ve been taken down. “They won’t remember a thing,” you say standing up.

“You… you did something to them?” she asks uncertainly. Of course, you were right, she is a telepath of some sort. This just confirms it, that she could tell you did anything in the first place. 

 “Just a minor thing. Let’s get far before they wake up” you say taking a tunnel formed by a collapsed structure as she follows. 

……………………………………….

“Come in! Come in Elyise” the intercom says

“I’m here! Stop yapping already!” she answers

“Oh thank god! I thought they’d get you! And it’d be all my fault!” 

“Nobody’s going to get me, you hear me?. I had it under control! And now Sidestep’s here so we have an even better chance!”

“Sidestep? Sidestep is that you?” the voice sounds different than what you remember… he seems confused. You look at the image… Reaper’s on the other side, sitting on a sofa with a cast arm and a cigar on his mouth in a very richly decorated room, a half-empty whiskey bottle next to him. What the hells is going on…?

“Hey, Reaper… it’s me” you say

“Thank you! Thank you for looking after my protegee.. She’s…”

“I’m not your protegee!” she interrupts “I found you drunk at Owl’s wailing about what Psycophator did, and took the case, remember? I needed your resources and your computers! You’re the one helping me, not the other way around!”

“Thank you Sidestep…” he goes on and on ignoring her. 

Elyise groans, turning off the audio. “He’s under meds for the pain… his doctors are a bit… liberal about painkillers. He’s been in high cloud nine right now since the fire, and he’s also drunk because he thinks it’s somehow his fault” she says before turning the audio back on.

“... and if something happened to her, it would be like Hood’s death all over again! She’s even telekinetic like him… I mean not exactly like him, she’s not nearly as insufferable but still, if something happened I wouldn’t even know what to…”

“Nevermind that! Did you find any extra intel?” she cuts him off

“Intel?” Reaper asks losing his previous train of thought. “Oh… right. Yes, Charon found a lot actually interesting details”

Charon… his supercomputer named after the mythical ferryman according to the comics. Supposedly an AI. You never thought it was real.

“The structure you found, is part of a collapsed chemical plant” he explains showing a diagram in the intercom's screen. “The plant’s been abandoned since before the big one. Also, hear this out… It’s the original plant where they first manufactured the hero drugs, back when they were just diet pills!  It was a big scandal back then when the media broke the entire story, the corporations, they  stole this researcher’s papers and used them without her consent to develop...”

“You can spare us the history lesson… we could use plans of the place tough” Elyise interrupts again. It would seem she’s officially had it with wasted Reaper by now. 

“Hm.. here,” he says the intercom updating with schematics. “The building’s partially collapsed now, but many floors and labs should be intact, and it had several basements, you’d have to go check on them yourselves.”

“It wasn’t abandoned now,” she says “It’s been turned into some sort of clinic, guards everywhere, and they’ve got the patients from Houswald captured inside. I think they’re experimenting on them… “ she says looking at you.

“Those bastards! They can’t do that!!!! You just hold right there… I’ll go get my suit and…” he says suddenly enraged.

“Enough!” she yells “You’re wounded, and in no shape to fight Reaper, and besides you’re retired! If you want to help, you need to pass on the coordinates to the rangers, your the only one with the tech in place to have communications in this dump!” Reaper’s gizmos are the most advanced you’ve seen yet rivaling farm’s experimental tech, and way ahead of the rangers. No wonder he was the top hero for so long if he had that much money to burn on it...

There is a silence on the other end and you can tell Reaper’s trying to process the words in slow motion. He’s so darn high, it’d be funny if your lives didn’t depend on him right now. “Fine… I’ll tell the rangers. Just wait till they are close before you make your move, you don’t want to get caught without reinfor..-” 

“I know!!! It’s not my first time doing this!” Elyise complains, but Reaper keeps going on about the dangers of the job until she simply turns off the intercom frustrated. 

“Wow… you’re really harsh on him” 

“Spare me,” she says walking onwards “I’ve been taking his tale of woe for three days straight while Charon investigated. And the worst part? The AI It only works with HIS voice recognition. HIS. Not mine. So I had to get him to repeat every question I asked, and you’d think he ‘d stop drinking while at it?  He did not. And the crying. God, the crying is the worst… You wouldn’t believe how bad he…”

You smile as you keep walking behind her hearing her huge list of complaints.

____________________________

My fanfics: https://chaniters.tumblr.com/post/181692759294/my-fanfiction-for-fallen-hero

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fan fiction using characters and the setting of the Fallen Hero: Rebirth and upcoming Fallen Hero: Retribution games written by Malin Riden. I do not claim ownership of any characters from the Fallen Hero wold. These stories are a work of my imagination, and I do not ascribe them to the official story canon. These works are intended for entertainment outside the official storyline owned by the author. I am not profiting financially from the creation of these stories, and thank the author for her wonderful game/s, without which these works would not exist.

[antique-darling]

12 steps backwards

Hi, I’m Carys and I’m an alcoholic. 

It started the same way as practically everyone else; understanding the intoxicating beauty of alcohol, a true social lubricant - and a firm willing suspension of disbelief that it’ll ever happen to you. 

The whole sordid affair began around Christmastime 2006. I was extremely young and very beautiful, and dressed the part of a perfect outcast with my various studs and spikes, my facial piercings mostly resembling that of one who has headbutted a box of map pins. But I was horrifically shy, the shackles of post-puberty still lingering. 

We’re in the UK, so I was handed a bottle of Smirnoff Ice at a house party. The more I drank, the more confident I became. I felt vibrant and stunning, although I was most likely being annoying. Even caught myself my first boyfriend that night, something which I’d never successfully been able to do. I managed to forget the two-day hangover which ensued. 

Thus began a bitter relationship with alcohol, my best friend of over a decade who betrayed me, in the end. 

I lived a 3-minute walk away from my high school, so I would frequently nip home at lunch to swindle some booze my mum had unsuccessfully ‘hidden’ away. She worked every weekday, and my parents had just separated at this point, which definitely made the whole debacle easier. In retrospect, the separation and eventual divorce probably affected me more than I realised.

A string of failed relationships, including an engagement, before I’d even turned 18 shaped me more into this polyp of self-loathing, and a glass of wine would ease the hatred a little more, or I’d down a bottle of something stronger.

By the time I’d reached 16, I decided that I was an adult, and panicked because I wasn’t getting pregnant. Somehow, in my mind, I neglected to recall that stress and abusing alcohol is the opposite of a good environment for a foetus. Over the past decade, I’ve lost count of the number of dead babies to drop out of me. 

 I’m fairly certain I fell in love with the devil when I was 17. He was strong and handsome, and an alcoholic himself. Although at this time, my true alcoholism had not yet fully manifested. This man made it a reality. 

He told me to stop taking my pill because it was making me “moody”. I acquiesced, assuming I was barren anyway. Discovering I was around 6 weeks pregnant was a shock, to say the least. 

I was still in school and he was jobless due to a health condition I like to call chronic laziness and taking all of my money to supplement his drug and alcohol habits. I’d been in abusive relationships before him, and they’re honestly what I probably deserve. I’m constantly drawn to the same sorts of people, despite my better judgment. The problem, therein, lies in me. 

But this man was king. I have endured nothing like the hell he dragged me through since. 

So, the option he gave me was crystal clear; “it’s not very nice being a single mum”. I had just turned 18, and I was so very vulnerable. I had already been corrupted by the 4 men who had came before him, so my self-worth was absolutely nothing. Again, I acquiesced to his demands. 

If I knew all those years ago what I know now, I would have left him and had my child. But he took my choice away from me, he forced a child into me and forced it back out again. He caused me to betray every part of my moral integrity, every single belief that I held dear. And it still feels, to this very day, as painful as it did in 2012. I wish I’d killed myself instead of my baby. I haven’t spoken to this man in many years, but he haunts me daily. The saddest truth is that I’m sure he doesn’t even remember I exist. I know he never loved me, but I loved him with a ferocity which I’ve not felt since.

And I so desperately wanted a child. I still do. It still won’t happen - I’ve cursed myself and I am dealing with the wrath of eternity. Hell is on earth and I have created it. 

So, to absolutely no surprise to anyone, I hit the bottle hard after that. I had to take a week off after the abortion due to antibiotics and opioid painkillers, but the minute I could, I drowned. 

After all, I was 18. I had a drinking permit. 

I spent my entire university career after that point getting blind drunk daily. At my peak, I’d drink cheap bottled cider (but not Frosty Jack’s or White Lightning - I had some class) as if it was cola or something. I’d have wine on a Friday and Saturday night, typically two bottles, and a bottle of vodka every day. This went on for 5 years. 

During this time I was engaged again, to someone I’d met at university. We were together for 4 years, living together, and I remember virtually nothing of the relationship. It was the longest relationship I had ever been in, and sometimes I forget his name. I certainly don’t remember what he looked like. 

Naturally, that relationship broke down when, on the 11th of September 2018, I surrendered. My 12-year relationship with alcohol was over. 

I would wake up next to my partner every day, and the more time I spent not drinking, the more I realised he was a total stranger in my bed. After a month of sobriety, I awoke to the fact I had absolutely no recollection of this person at all, apart from the two times we traveled to Belfast to see his family and friends. Even then, I only remember the actual traveling part. 

We had to live together a month after we had separated, during which time he constantly demanded to know why I’d left him. Simply, “I sobered up”. He had been the most violent, piggish creature of all the men I had ever been with, memories which have only been returning to me in the past year. Sometimes I think, he wasn’t looking for a partner, he was looking for a sex slave. And he still wasn’t as bad as the devil of my younger years. 

Probably ‘coz I was really drunk the whole time. 

So I’m 16 months sober, as of Saturday of this month. I still can’t sleep, I still have headaches and I’ve put on so much weight I can barely recognise myself. It’s bittersweet. I have achieved great things in my life, but I feel like a stranger looking in. I feel like a confused 12-year-old, shy with no confidence and no place in the world. Like the degrees I have are someone else’s, and sure I have my graduation pictures but that’s a different me. That’s not me, surely. My day job is, ironically, bartending. I know I’m fantastic at my persona, but the customers see through the cracks. They’ll ask me “What’s the nicest x? What mixer goes with y?”, and I can never just say “oh, it’s z”, I always have to say “other people usually have this with z”. 

I don’t keep my alcoholism a secret, and most of my regular customers know. And I’ll get the typical diatribe of “oh aren’t you strong and brave, working here and struggling with your recovery??”. I know they mean well, and it’s a lovely compliment to pay. But I don’t feel strong, although it is cathartic when I get to pour drinks away. I feel like a failure. 

I am a fully qualified English teacher in the process of doing my Master’s degree. Staying up til 3am cleaning, after spending 6 hours serving poison to toxic people (although a lot of my regular customers are genuine angels), makes me believe that, despite my achievements on paper, that that is all I’m worth. 

I want to end this monologue on a positive note. In over a year of sobriety, I have learned to go out with my friends, or hang out after work, and not feel so left out. Coffee is now a luxury, opposed to a brown liquid to fix my constant hangover. I even know when coffee tastes burnt now, which is something my former self would never have even considered. I’m eternally grateful for my family of Alcoholics Anonymous. I haven’t been to a meeting in months due to work and uni, but every time I manage to go, it’s as if I’d not missed a single one. 

My family have been nothing but supportive, although my dad still doesn’t really understand it (we were great drinking buddies for a while). My friends are mainly my colleagues at work, and without their support I wouldn’t be alive, most likely. Also they will refuse to serve me alcohol - not that I’ve tried, but I’ve been told so, in order to continue supporting my recovery. 

Since being sober, I’ve surrounded myself with good people. The bad things don’t seem so bad, and every day I’m working on hating myself less. 

Alcohol and/or substance abuse feels like something that won’t happen to you. Unfortunately, it can happen to all of us, and so very quickly. Or, so slowly that you didn’t even register it until you’re sleeping on a bench in the middle of February. 

There is help, free help, and there are probably millions of people suffering too. If you’re suffering, you’re not alone. You never have to be alone. 

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

https://www.samaritans.org/

[juliethebibliophile]

The Librarians is the Most Important Show on TV....and It Needs to Stay on TV

Hello friends! Let me start by saying, as I hope you’ve heard, that The Librarians Season 4 has had a schedule change again! The first 6 episodes will now air in doubles! So December 13th, 20th and 27th will air two episodes each! Make sure to set your DVRs Accordingly!!!!

Now, onto the point of the post. This is the second time TNT has changed the schedule for the 4th season. There’s something fishy going on here and I don’t like it!!!! Pair that with how Dean was pushed to make the show darker for S3(of course the last line of S3 was such as jab at that that it’s not even funny but I digress), how long it took us to get S4....it’s clear TNT might be trying to manipulate the ratings.

But I, a fervent lover of The Librarians, know that we, the dedicated fans, will not let that happen!!!!! So how do we do this? FILL social media with Librarians posts during the episode. Tag TNT, tag the show accounts, I mean SWARM TNT with our love. But again, that’s not the point, I’m just gonna say that on every post to make it well known.

There is a reason why I’m campaigning so hard for this. The Librarians needs to stay on TV. It is, and I’m phrasing this more strongly than I normally do...the most important show on television. Let’s talk about that.

I have said it 100 times and I’ll say it again....The Librarians changed my life. Absolutely transformed it. Without it, I would not have the level of self-confidence that I now have. Without it, I would’ve spent my freshman year in bed hating my life rather than making happy memories despite my depression. Without it, I may never have been able to make peace with changing my major from theatre to education...a change that set my life in the right direction.

And there are reasons why. No other show on TV, at least that I’ve seen, behaves like The Librarians. Most every show has nerdy quirky characters sure, but they’re always the butt of the joke. Their personality is made fun of to the point where....we’ve just sort of come to accept it as a society. We don’t see it as wrong in any way simply because it’s not malicious and tbh....that’s kinda fucked up.

The characters in the Librarians are super super smart, super nerdy, outcasts, and quirky and eccentric in any way that a person could be so. And it’s never made fun of. Like never. And if it is, it’s rare, happened before the characters knew each other well, and is contrasted with validating monologues that I cannot even begin to describe in terms of beauty.

Where else on TV do you get this? Where else do we have a romantic relationship between an eccentric person and a not as eccentric person where there’s no teasing, and instead explicit speeches about loving each other for who they are? Where else are quirks never made out to be flaws? Where else on TV do characters just get to be the way they are without outlier characters who are “normal” making fun of them? Answer....not many places.

And you know what, beyond that, the quirkiness of the characters is just how I connect. But like....this show is so diverse in every way. And every character gets to be loved. Like really, seriously loved for who they are. No stigma whatsoever. I mean, let’s take a look at some of our main characters.

Ezekiel Jones, A POC who is obnoxiously self-confident and just loves himself so wholeheartedly? But at the same time he learns that he can love other people too.

Cassandra A bisexual(as far as we know rn, she’s expressed interest in both a man and a woman), disabled, neurodivergent woman who is all kinds of eccentric and adorable and no joke about her being annoying has ever come close to being made. She’s also a survivor of mental abuse and neglect by her parents.

Jacob Stone, another abuse survivor(yes we have 2-he was canon mentally and physically abused and arguably neglected as well) who literally had such a bad situation that he felt he could never trust anyone. He loved, but he didn’t trust. That dude learns to trust, lets go of connections to his father that held him back.....like MY DUDES

Said two abuse survivors have been given a special relationship on the show that some argue is romantic and everyone agrees that they are very close friends. They openly talk about what they went through on screen, multiple times, and help each-other overcome their personal pasts.

Oh and then there’s Eve motherfucking Baird who DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HER. She’s your typical tough-girl who like to kick ass and prefers a jumpsuit to a dress....or SO YOU THINK. Because yes she’s all that but she’s also really really emotional, and flirty, and really smart in her own right and from a lot of her backstory we can kind of surmise she was also an outcast/ “quirky” kid. I love her. I love her so much

Flynn Carsen, an arguably neurodivergent man who is pretty much the most eccentric out of all of them. He has a lot of abandonment issues and we see the real effects of those issues in his life and relationships. And he makes mistakes. But he’s constantly reminded that even though the mistakes he makes are not okay, that the people who love him understand that said mistakes are a result of his issues and that they love him for who he is.

So what I’m saying here is.....PROMOTE THE LIBRARIANS. EVERYONE NEEDS TO WATCH THE LIBRARIANS.

Seasons 1-3 are on Hulu and that’s unfortunately the only streaming service where they’re available right now. But seriously, if you can....go watch that shit. THE LIBRARIANS DESERVES SO MUCH LOVE.

[goddamnitlady]

OOC // super long post of me talking at myself, trying to make sense of my behaviour.

I need to put this chaos of thoughts down on the page. Or else they might claw my skull open from the inside out. This text is so super personal it would fit better in my diary. This is me talking at me.

So no obligation to you to read this!!!

I realise I’m so shaken, that in the below text, I will be (re-)constructing my own narrative about myself. I’ll do that right here. 

I will use this narrative to review what I learnt about my behaviour, re-interpret my past and then frame my current social reality. If I use kinder language, perhaps I'll think kinder of myself? Gotta try that. This is my unstructured train of thought, me talking at me. If you want to read about me talking at you, scroll down.

Enjoy some nude TMI. It’s long.

INTRO - BEHAVIOUR 

Yesterday I went to A.DHD Central to get tested and maybe a diagno.sis and surprise, I have it! I saw it coming and I'm okay with this. It explains why... 

why I'm always so easily distracted

why it's almost painful to be bored

why it's almost to do difficult tasks 

why I've got social periods that can last days or month and then suddenly get asocial periods

why I forget something 3 seconds after you said it

why I can't remember more than 3 instructions

why I don't have one train of thought, but 3 or 4. And I need to jump from train to train to keep up with them.

Okay so that's that.

The OTHER thing that I cannot stop thinking about now is just as important. The old man said it very casually, like: "oh btw on such an intense diagnosis day our team of trained specialist always finds other mental difficulties people developed too. AD.HD comes with friends. We see you have (traits of) avoi.dant personality disor.der okay continuing on, your computer test showed..."

And today I'm at home. I picked up my me.ds this morning and I've started dosing. I started thinking, wait what did they say yesterday about that other thing? So I read through Wikipedia.

ME TALKING @ ME. ^That new info about my behaviour changes my interpretation of my past.   

Yesterday a professional told me that 50% of the kids with ADH.D leave primary school feeling like an outcast so it's not weird I was bullied too.

On primary school I was dia.gnosed with dyslexia and dyscalculia. It means that letters and numbers magic to me. They tremble and swap places or vanish. The classes Maths and Languages were awful to me. Biology and History were better and more fun but they also make use of numbers (dates/calculations). Art class (with my hands or brain) was the one thing I could actually do. I could do presentations and discussions as well.

But I felt different from my peers because they could learn things so EASILY compared to me. I wasn't dumb, I understood, but then the explanation was gone and I'd forgotten it again(AD.HD). So I needed lots of repetition to learn. And then once I understood it the letters/numbers kept moving without my consent! (dyslexia/dyscalucia) Stupid letters/numbers.

I moved houses and thus switched schools. On the new school became bullied by being socially exluded, ignored, and critisized.

That bullying made me feel like I could be 'attacked' in class all the time. In hindsight I was sensitive to stimuli. Everyone has a filter on their mind that ignores certain things (like the fact you are breathing. congratulations, you are now aware that you are breathing) and lets other things through (such as the honk of a car when you're jaywalking). Child!me must have been working super hard to 

pay attention to class 

filter stimuli 

categorise high-speed which stimuli are hostile 

muffle intense emotional reactions 

consider which version of reply would create least conflict/emotion 

A lack of sleep (from reading books until late) make me sleepy during the day thus less sensitive to (negative) stimuli. 

So I became from age 10 onward very much an outcast/ anxious/ nervous/ shy/ avoidant-of-confrontations-where-I-could-be-rejected. 

I was bullied on secondary school too. Jackpot.

I worked harder than average but my grades were lower than average. I felt inadequate. Inferior. My self reflection went into overdrive. I started to think things like... if I can't do maths or language and don't like people, what sort of career could I do? What value did I have to humanity?  Was I not just taking up resources? I felt guilt and shame that my parents had to waste(!) money on me. No economic equation could justify having me around. I was a useless human being. My only good trait is that I'm kind to people, showing kindness always -- even if they don't deserve it. Because I know what it’s like to be hurt and I don’t want to do that to anyone. 

(I feel so fucking lucky that I grew up in a loving family because holy shit teenage!me sounded like the textbook perfect victim for types of abuse.)

I worked hard in all my classes and it paid off. I went to the above-medium level of education for secondary school. Finally away from my bullies at age 15,5! I think that ended my de.pression too. I switched schools to above-medium, it was a normal period on that secondary school.  Two more years after that went fine. Made my long-term school friends and cosplay friends in that time and since. Yay!

After that, I studied graphic design on adult education medium level, then for Teacher of English As A Foreign Language on above-medium level, now I'm this(!) close to finishing Literature Studies on university (highest) level. Take that, insecurity. I'm not stupid. My specialities (creativity) just lay elsewhere than the standard measurement.

I read somewhere that AD.HD people don't have normal emotions but that one emotion TIMES TEN. So a small mention of rejecton from another person causes a feeling of REJECTION TIMES TEN in me. I can easily say that I have joy times TEN, fear times TEN, and enthusiasm times TEN too, which can make me a very charming person?

I initially thought this strong emotional fear of rejection was the AD.HD-only symptom called RSD, rejection-sensitive dys.phoria. What makes it into a personality diso.rder?

Answer: Persistent malfunctioning in society. 

ME TALKING @ ME. Re-framing my social reality and examining my behaviours.

I malfunction as follows: I experience extreme shyness in certain moments, feel anxious before or during new social situations, don't want to go to the kitchen if my housemates are there, have a fear of emailing/calling people, or approaching groups. Fear of asking money back (I feel like "I'm not worth even a euro"). I have a GIANT fear of being rejected by others. Giant fear of being ridiculed. Cast out.

This leads to a behavior pattern where I avoid conflict. I'm just too scared to do them. Critique freaks me out (because me emotions will skyrocket times ten). And it's the worst when I'm doing a project with people (such as preparing a presentation with a group/making cosplay costume with a friend/travelling home by train and someone needs to pick me up). People are the worst. I feel I always let them down.

So then anticipate on being inadequate, take longer to do it perfect, get ill from thinking up a thousand stressful could-be's, then fiiiiiinally reach out, and hear "you should have done X" or "why didn't you call me earlier?! Now I have to deal with this escalated mess!"

HOW I RESPOND TO ONLINE STIMULI

When friends send me a message online, I get scared. I ALWAYS have fear of opening them. I always think "what did I do wrong this time?" I always anticipate an attack. This is why it's good I have both friends AND other people on whatsapp. Sometimes this emotional anticipation or reaction is so strong that it can dominate my mood for hours.

Sometimes (when I'm most afraid) I open the message to get rid of the notification and don't actually read it. 

Sometimes (when I'm fearful brave) I take a deep breath and read it and take an hour to deal with the stressful emotional reaction. I want to reply but 1)I need to think of the perfect reply to type up so the negative situation will be quelled or/or followed by 2) my AD.HD forgets it.

Sometimes (when I'm happy) I can respond immediately. I'm functional!!!

Sometimes (when I'm happy) I respond immediately and them too and it's fun! And I have a blast! Wow, talking to friends is so much fun!!! I'm charming. I'm fast. I'm celebrating.

Nowadays I have a lot of friends. At least twenty five! They're divided into four groups: hometown, student life, online, cosplay. These are "friends without obligation" MEANING that my presence is a addition and not a requirement. They will never guilt me for cancelling on them. We can only hang out once a year and have a blast without talking at all during the rest of the year, and we will still conciser each other friends.           I consider them friends if I can message/call them up at 2 a.m. and cry about a boyfriend or needing a place to sleep. Which is a huge deal to me, me-who-feels-guilty-for-taking-up-resources.)          It don’t always function. I can hide for weeks, avoiding social contact. Then I can be super functional for weeks. Ups and downs.          I function best around friends without obligations. 

ME @ TUMBLR FRIENDS.

I suppose I want my tumblr friends to know that...

I 'squish' on a person. I use the word here in the meaning of 'plantonic crushing' and 'wanting to have an emotional bond with them as friend'. I sometimes stalk/bombard a person with messages/like every post/am super invested in everything they do. Usual reason: because I think they are a fantastic content creator. This makes me feel like they are inspiring and amazing and sometimes 'socially higher ranked' than me.          To battle my inferiority, I want them to acknowledge me. I want to 'have' them. I hate to admit it, but the words "notice me senpai" sum it up badly. A better way of describing it is “proving my inferiority complex as wrong and my internalised social hierarchy as false as fast as I can”.         The resolution is often hanging out in chat and writing a thread together. It will make me realise that we're both humans. Often, once the person gives me attention, I very quickly normalise them and am able to stop bad thoughts.        I really dislike the senpai/kohai dynamic and want to get rid of it asap. Giving me attention helps! I've experienced this squishing in class/ social/ work/ online/ cosplay environments. If I am 'squishing' on you, just pat my head, okay? 

I feel compelled to admit have had squishes on but then normalised as equal Sky.e, Ni.kki, Ju.lia, E.su, Ham.my, J, Cel.este, Va.na, and various others who I don’t need to mention because I never became friends with them. My squishes on these people were on the creative person as future friend, not(!!!) on the muses. I still have a ton of respect for these people.

People I'm in the process of normalising are Surfi and Jana. I'm doing well. I’m not that bad. When Hammy appears I still want a pat on the head though.

One person I'm squishing on quite much right now is Nami. I want all their attention. Nami, if you're reading this, I hope it doesn't drive you crazy (not as mad as it drives me). So I'm sorry that I post a reply 0.3 seconds after you post and seem to be online 24/7. 

And if anyone else is reading this, sorry I’m paying less attention to you.

I hate it when partners drop threads unannounced because I'll be waiting by the front door like a labrador waiting for a dead owner to come home.

Its fine if you tell me you want to drop a thread, no problem, no feeling of rejection here.

It's fine if you take 2 years to reply to a thread. Literally.

I forget thread posts. Feel free to poke me when I take longer than a month.

Me not replying to your roleplay request is because I'm imagining that my rejection of your request will hurt you as much as it would hurt me. I'm imagining your pain and emphasize with my fantasy to the point that I leave your request in my inbox for months. And then it hurts that I didn't reply.

Me not posting your submission/ask message is because I'm always feeling inferior. I don't feel worthy of your attention. I don't feel worthy of your text/art/time, so when I get it I feel THRILLED. Like, "WOW they like me!! Take that inferiority complex!!" I feel thrilled. I have to give you the perfect reply that will show you exactly how thrilled I am. Or give you a perfect drabble as reply.

Me not replying to your chat messages is not me intentionally disrespecting you. You are important. Goddamnit I want to keep you as a friend. It's me being EMOTIONAL AS FUCK AND I'M PREPARING A REPLY or I FORGOT ABOUT IT.

I only give myself permission to delete those after 6 months of struggling.

Me roleplaying super intensely with you and then suddenly not at all, is because the following happened: 

I  squished on you back then,

we wrote and for a while my days centerend around your online hours, 

I normalised you and I found tranquillity (good ending) OR 

I was called away because I had ignored real life and it became on fire. (bad ending, very much at risk of uncontrolled squishing on you again!!!)  

(I want to continue to enjoy being friends with you Super Duper Much, I respect your distaste for my silences, I’m sorry, and I feel bad TIMES TEN that I put you in this mood.) (I then feel worthless. Then inferior and wow hello devil on my shoulder that tells me bad things. Hey devil if you’re here do you pay rent?  And I begin to avoid you which makes you even unhappier. Then I avoid you and - etc. etc. Goddamn I just want to be friends and write rp WHY am I like this! Why am I so fearful? It doesn’t make any sense!)  

The thought of writing with you makes me excited times ten. I respect you. And because we didn't RP and you're worried and I feel I let you down... I want to "make it up to you by being perfect and worthy".        It catapults me right back into the mindset/habits from where I used to squish on you, and my day will center around you again. I know I don't /want/ that mindset to ambush me. It'll control me.         So I either postpone engagement with you, OR I ask/agree a day where we can write together. Then my intense emotions and refresh-the-page obsession and "OH MY GOD THIS RP IS SO GOOD U R SUCH AN AWESOME CONTENT CREATOR WE HAVE SO MUCH FUN" thoughts can be limited to that day.         During the next days (I usually need days), I can cool down from the hype and try to continue with my life and productively avoid the bad squish. This may come across as cold. But I assure you, my mind is constantly on you. And when I’m settled, I’ll be easier to approach for casual RP again. 

I find it extremely hard to deal with users who see me as their senpai. When I feel that you idolise me as senpai, want my attention and affection, want to be my friend, I get really uncomfortable. I usually search for ways to calm you down and make you realize I'm human. But if I do not feel equal, (because of IM chat/because writing styles clash) I can’t hang out with you. That’s not you, that’s me. Feeling inferior is something I’m trained in now and know how to go to ‘equals’ level fast, I’m not trained at all to feel superior. I screw up wayyy to much to accept that role. I will fear hurting you. I wouldn’t know how to try to become equals. So then I dash away. I’m sorry.

I'm not good at IM messaging in chat on tumblr or other social media online because I'll 1)get scared of the messages or 2) really really want to write with you. So I generally don't want to chat at all, except to plot roleplays. I find it difficult to send friends regular 'hi how are you' messages because I want a "friendship-without-obligations" that I described earlier.

Wow this list must scare you. I'm sorry.

It scares me. Wow, what a manual. I'm so complicated.

I'm worried now about whether I should post this. I sound like such a... a crazy online person that has a ton of things wrong in the head and should be avoided at all cost. ......... No, let me rephrase that. I’m a self-reflective person. I am a critical analyst of my mind and it's unique I can put it into words. 

DEAR TUMBLR FRIENDS...

- You don't want my squishing + I don't want my squishing. Let's work together so this bad mindset doesn't thrive, OK?

- You don't want to be ignored + I don't want my ‘conflict avoiding anxiety’ that makes me ignore you. Let's continue to communicate!! Please sandwich your critique in kindness. Kind-critical-kind. Then I'll reply faster!

- I am worth as much as every one of you. I am NOT your kohai and if you start seeing me as such I'll feel offended. I'm worth as much as any of you. (My mind cannot be trusted.)

- You cannot control what emotions I feel, nor the intensity. Anything(!) could spark me to go into a different mindset.

ROLEPLAY I suppose I have a 'type' of muse. 

I like writing confident-arrogant muses who never hesitate about being better than others. They used their unique traits that set them apart to excel (not fall), and are so fearless of social rejections that they boldly abandoned social-mediocority to craft a setting they thrive in.       Its because their growth/conquer mindsets appeal to me. I want to continue training myself to think like that. It helps battle my fears.       I identify with them.       Reasons: I worked hard and rose from being bullied at primary school and medium education level to upper-middle level. Now I'm at highest level of education (university) despite my flaws. I channelled my traits of creativity + kindness + hard work and made a ton of friends. I am now struggling with my university bachelor thesis. I have to finish it asap, but damn, I'm amazing, I never thought I'd get this far?? I'm in my world of my own making. My loving supporting surrounding friends/family/teachers help me function.  

IN CONCLUSION....

So in conclusion, I can only ask for your friendship, your kindness to forgive me when I mess up, and to please occasionally pet my head.

In return, I will generously offer friendship for however long you want me, will bravely engage in struggles to reply to your messages in time, and I offer you lots of FEELS from my muses.

I'm going to make sure that the time we hang out and write together, will be the MOST AMAZING EXPERIENCE.

Excerpt from my thoughts to show you how it goes: Small bad thought in my head: "don't abandon me, please accept this RP service I offer, because you won't hang out with me for my personality due to my bad attention/communication skills. I can see why you like my Orochimaru/muses but can hardly see why you could like me." Louder good thought in my head: "Shut up you're a feeling from the AD.HD or conflict-avoident-personality-type part of my brain and you can't be trusted. LA LA LA I'M NOT LISTENING. I'M GREAT." Small thought: "...Keep telling yourself that." Louder thought: "Ouch. I mean. LA LA LA. POSITIVE SELF-DECEPTION  AGAINST BAD THOUGHTS UNTIL IT'S AN INTERNALISED TRUTH IS AN EMPOWERING METHOD THAT WORKS. LA LA LA." So that’s how it works. Sometimes I cannot differ which of the thoughts is bad and which one is the good one. 

EPILOGUE, I’m done.

Okay. I think I have figured myself out. I’ve re-evaluated my past. 

The urgent mess of thoughts in my brain has calmed down. I no longer feel like my head will explode. 

I’ve said all the things I wanted to say to myself, and I’ve said the things I want to say to tumblr friends. 

I’m going to pretend nooooo oneeee took the time to read this big post... so no one will be angry (something which I fear for no logical reason) ... and I’ll be able to sleep right now. 

[douchebagbrainwaves]

STARTUPS AND SOMETHING

How many even discover something they love to work on them. But that assumption is often false, and worse still, the more ideas you implement, the more you push the good stuff spreads, and the programmers work down the list, fixing them. The most important quality in a CEO is his vision for the company's future.1 You don't give up on your dreams.2 There are only two things you have to manufacture your own hardware, or use your software, you should probably be able to come up with an idea that sounded plausible, but was actually bad. If you pay them by the volume of work done but only as you defined work.3 There are only two reasons someone might sue you: for money, but what will make you a better programmer, and yet they don't seem to matter very much in software is public opinion—or rather, hacker opinion.4

It's exceptionally rare for startups to have traction before they put in significant money. Efficiency matters for server-based software, you can think instead That's an interesting idea, you can find and fix most bugs as soon as they appear. T: Scheme has no libraries. The reason design counts so much in software is public opinion—or who might buy a copy later, when he has just read in the paper that some other language is poised, like Ada was twenty years ago people noticed computers and TV were on a collision course and started to speculate about what they'd like to publish their lives semi-publicly on the Internet, you don't need Microsoft on the client, it will be because it's more convenient. There are many exceptions to this rule. In fact, shelving an idea probably even inhibits new ideas: as you become more eminent, gradually to increase the actual value of the company. He walks right by them, dressed up as an old man on crutches, and they never suspect him.5 I don't mean to disparage Yahoo.

But though labor unions are shrinking now, it's not a sufficient one. It works, but you come from the corporate world and your friends are not early adopters, and only realize later that they could always interrupt anything with a report of a genuine bug.6 I can think of three possible reasons. And that did turn out to be big like Microsoft.7 The five languages that Eric Raymond recommends to hackers fall at various points on the power continuum. For millennia that was the optimal path to dominating a big market. Boston half the time: it's hard to imagine now, but I don't think they hamper innovation much.8 We, as hackers, know the USPTO is letting people patent the knives and forks of our world.

To us that's positive evidence an idea is good. Web-based software is offered through ISPs acting as resellers. It looks as if it will be whatever the startup can get from the first one to write a novel, for example, even though it is probably a bad idea. What really makes him stand out, though, that even with all the fat trimmed off its market cap, Yahoo was still worth a lot. Most people could see how it might be helpful to be in the twentieth century. In Lisp, these programs are called macros. Nor do startups, at least something that made me feel better about it. The definition then spread to people who behaved like assholes in forums, whether intentionally or not. In fact, worse than arrogant: since readers are used to companies ignoring them.9 Microsoft and Facebook both got started in January. From the evidence I've seen so far is nothing compared to what's coming.10 They work odd hours, wearing the most casual of clothing.

They even let hackers spend 20% of their time on their own projects, and instead of trying to approximate the value of free markets, are run internally like communist states. They just sit there quietly radiating optimism, like a well is almost a necessary condition for a good startup idea. Smalltalk: Not everything in Simula is an object. It's one of the heavy school record players and played James Taylor's You've Got a Friend to us. Our approach to support made everyone happier. The same thing will happen if you're running a big company is the same thing to them.11 But that assumption is often false, and worse still, the more a project has to count as research is so narrow that it's unlikely that a project that satisfied that constraint would also satisfy the orthogonal constraint of solving users' problems in a way that he made seem effortless. And when you have a recurring revenue stream.12 I notice something surprising, it's usually a big company will be their big break. If applications run on remote servers, no one can get between you and potential users without preventing them from browsing the Web. Look at this, for example, as property in the way only founders can.

You're going to have to add a spoonful of sugar to make the release date you assemble a team of qualified experts and tell them to make a living. But designed is not really the word; discovered is more like it. TV is probably dead. Indeed, food is an excellent metaphor to explain what's wrong with the usual sort of job. The source code of the Viaweb editor was probably about 20-25% of the code in this program is doing things that don't scale that we call pulling a Meraki. But it would require a great moral effort; it would mean staring failure in the eye every day for years. Now everyone knows that this is changing. Working in crappy informal spaces is one of Silicon Valley's biggest weaknesses. If you think of using Lisp in a startup.

When one company or industry replaces another, it usually works best to get something in front of it. It doesn't add; it multiplies. One day, when the stock was trading around $200, I sat down and calculated what I thought before Viaweb, to the extent I thought about what it meant to call someone a hero, it meant something to talk about their previous startup idea while they were working at their day jobs. Few would be willing to claim that it doesn't matter at all where a startup is to focus on bad ones. By the time journalists covering the press release got round to calling us, we would take. If the startup can't raise the rest, the lead is out too. Umair Haque wrote recently that the reason there aren't more Googles is that most essays are written to persuade. And if you're writing a program that only has to do.13 Neither Apple nor Yahoo nor Google nor Facebook were even supposed to be a good trick to look for waves and ask how one could benefit from them. In the first couple bites feels great.

Only a handful actually do, and the enforcement of quality can flow bottom-up often works better than top-down.14 The reason I want to plant a hypnotic suggestion in your heads: when you can say things you wouldn't say in conversation. When you read of big companies. With server-based software before you buy it. When they go to VC firms. Especially since you won't even really learn about it, they'll be able to come up with surprising new ideas.15 Each type of schedule from other people. Open source and blogging both work bottom-up: people make what they want when they want it, and gradually whatever features it happens to have become its identity. You should compete against what someone else could be doing, not just because it's free, but because they felt it was really for them, they'll get a lot done during those few days, you will be net more productive.16 Howard Aiken said Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. The most memorable example of medieval industrial secrecy is probably Venice, which forbade glassblowers to leave the city, and fragile organisms like startups are exceedingly sensitive to such variation. On the Web, and it also tends to have the time and the inclination to build things that are impossible to build.

Notes

Maybe you don't go back and forth. As willful people get serious about tax avoidance. Stone, op.

If Ron Conway had been campaigning for the next round is high as well.

Only founders of Google to do some research online. But it's a bad idea, at least try.

The problem with most of the reason. And though they have to sweat any one outcome. If spammers get good enough to convince limited partners. No one seems to have lunch at the exact same thing.

The Socialist People's Democratic Republic of X is probably the early 90s when they set up an additional disk drive. Among other things, they mean statistical distribution. If a man has good corn or wood, or much energy would be investors who say no for introductions to other investors, but explain that's what you're working on what interests you most. A company will either be a lot easier now for a patent is conveniently just longer than the set of users comes from.

I assume we still do things that will be maximally profitable when each employee is paid in proportion to the present day equivalent of the startup will be on the subject of language power in Succinctness is Power. I write out loud at least straightforwardly benevolent, doesn't help people on the valuation a bit of an outcast, just those you can never tell for sure a social network for x instead of happy. But on the other becomes visible.

But the solution is to the writing of literary theorists.

The answer is simple: pay them to. The greatest damage that photography has done to painting may be that the applicant pool gets partitioned by quality rather than giving grants. It's lame that VCs play such games, but mediocre programmers is the other side of the present, and stir. 5% a week for 4 years.

It is a sufficiently good bet, why not turn your company right now. And the old one was nothing special. Maybe it would have been the general sense of the problem, if they can get very emotional. Just use the local builders built everything in exactly the point I'm making, though it's a seller's market.

I'm just going to need common sense when intepreting it. While Jessica didn't ask many questions, they sometimes say.

If anyone wants. Giant tax loopholes defended by two of the breach with Rome, where w is will and d discipline.

There is of course the source files of all tend to be about 200 to send a million dollars out of the false positives reflecting the remaining outcomes don't have to give up your anti-takeover laws, starting with the exception of the big winners aren't all that matters, just the location of the words won't be trivial. The CRM114 Discriminator. To talk to feel tired.

This argument seems to them. Conjecture: The variation in wealth over time, because you need to fix.

In a series A round about the right way.

What he meant, I was not drinking that kool-aid at the start of the clumps of smart people are trying to make you expend as much income. Turn the other team. Http requests are indistinguishable from dishonesty by the high-fiber diet is to use a restaurant is constrained in a certain way, because talks are usually more desperate for money.

This is actually a computer. He did eventually graduate at about 26. We're delighted to have them soon.

[glitchonline]

Gaming: My Long Lost Best Friend.

By Zoey Ribbons

Me and video games go a long way back. From my earliest memories with a Nintendo 64, my relationship with gaming is a long and complex one.  The vast majority of my life up until a few years ago was spent with a gamepad in hand, exploring new worlds to escape the reality I found myself in. A reality where I was alone, confused, anxious, and downright depressed. To the outside world, I was someone who could quite possibly be classified as addicted to gaming, a disorder which has just been classified by the World Health Organisation a few weeks ago. I’m not someone who believes this choice by the WHO to be the right one since in my opinion humans can be conditioned to become addicted to anything. I do, however, understand the appeal of losing yourself in a world that is not your own to numb the pain of day to day life.

I suppose to understand how my fascination with video games started you first need to understand a little of my backstory. I was born in 1993, right on the cusp of the revolutionary switch from 2D to 3D graphics. My parents separated when I was one year old, with my Mother holding onto the fact that my Father left her with a burning hatred which bled out onto me and my sister. My dad bought me a Nintendo 64 for my birthday when I was 5, with Diddy Kong Racing being a staple between us in those early years.

I went through 18 years of my life thinking it was normal for boys to want to be girls, before having the brutal realization that no, that was not the case. I came out as Transgender when I was 19, suffering from a lot of deep-rooted depression and anxiety before and after that time. At least my doctors told me it was just that. I was eventually diagnosed with Bipolar disorder when I was 25, which to me came as a relief due to years of living in limbo, not knowing what was wrong with me.  

As you can imagine, this was the perfect mixture of circumstances to create someone who was looking for the sweet fix of escapism. I was unhappy and anxious at home most of the time, so what better way to ignore that than to shut myself in my room with a PlayStation? I was an outcast in my all-male social group at school and lived an hour away from the school itself, so I was never a kid who went out to play until the break of night. I would get home from school and the first thing I would do was to boot up a game for the night. I’d have a break to eat, and possibly spend a bit of time with my family in the rare moments that tensions weren’t running too high. I didn’t need someone to tell me I played a lot of games, I had the save data utility of a PlayStation 3 to tell me.

The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion =  700+ hours. Demon’s Souls =  600 Hours. Metal Gear Online = Another 600. Fallout 3: 300 Hours. And this is just a select few games from memory, for one console generation. Weekdays, weekends, holidays, all the time. If I was away from my main console for too long, I wouldn’t get irate, just unhappy. At least if I went on holiday I could bring a portable console with me, but forcing me to be away from even that… I would just be miserable.

I think my parents knew this. It was clear to them I was an unhappy child and teen. Even during the peak of “Video games will ruin your children” hysteria of the early to mid-2000’s, my parents would leave me be. No restrictions on time, age rating, or any specific content. They would try and coax me out of staying in my room, but nothing ever worked. Video games and I were just synonymous with each other at this point, and everyone around me knew that.

While it might sound like I’m painting my experience with games in a negative light, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I consider my relationship with video games in my youth to have played a formative role on the person I am today.

Firstly, video games taught me to be tenacious. After spending so much time playing games, more so competitive multiplayer during the seventh generation of consoles, It’s safe to say I got pretty good at them. Video games nurtured a drive in me for competition, and more so, not giving up. This all happened quite early on. My Dad will never let me forget when I was a kid, no older than 7, who cried in frustration over and over when I couldn’t beat the final boss of Diddy Kong Racing. Sure, I got angry with games, and still did even in my teens. But I never gave up, a trait which now applies to all aspects of what I do in life. It’s a trait I am extremely proud of.

The pride itself from being good at games was also something that I held on to. It may sound a bit sad, but for a kid going through a pretty depressive and emotionally abusive upbringing, being good at games made me happy. If I’m being honest with myself, video games were probably the primary reason I wasn’t having nervous breakdowns throughout my teens. I was a very lucky kid in that I was very bright at school without having to put in practically any effort. So I could spend most of my times playing games without the stress that I was messing up my life in any substantial way. Being hooked on virtual worlds was a pretty mellow vice in the grand scheme of things, a fact I learnt quite quickly upon going to university. Cannabis and alcohol became my new favourite forms of escapism during that time, starting the journey of my break away from video games.

I barely made it through university with a passing grade. Quite the fall from the straight-A student who never had to try. Unfortunately, it took me 4 more years from graduation to reach a point in my life where I considered “my shit to be sorted out”. Video games still stayed with me until then, but it was never quite the same. As I grew older and started asking myself why I felt the need to escape all the time, I started to slowly fix myself. Video games started taking a back seat in my life to the point where my experience with gaming from dusk till dawn became a distant memory. It actually feels like more like an impossibility for me now.

My relationship with video games is now something far more casual. While I still hold a deep love and admiration for them in my heart, I tend to break up playing into hour-long chunks or so before I start getting bored. I’ve missed out on this entire console generation, something which a teenage me would have thought was an unbelievable concept. I still follow the newest releases with great curiosity, but will happily wait for a game I’m interested in to go on sale before I pick it up.

Even though I play games far less than I used to, it’s not to say I am less interested in them. Quite the opposite in fact, as I now see games as being far more than simple tools for me to run away to. Games for me now are wonderful, curious things that I will always have a deep-rooted respect for. Whether it’s the visual beauty you see in something from Supergiant Games, the incredible storylines from a series such as The Witcher, or simply the game design of something quirky and fun like Enter the Gungeon.

Games as art forms now act as a springboard into my own creative mind. As an aspiring writer and animator, where better to go to find inspiration than a good video game? Watch Dogs 2 was a recent release for me that simply filled me with awe every time I played it, from its beautifully coloured rendition of San Francisco to the incredible design, writing and performances behind its great cast of characters.

Video games are simply incredible. The talent and passion that goes into creating titles that can stay with you for a lifetime is simply immense. We all have our own personal relationships with video games, and I would not change mine for the world. Video games were there for me when I needed them the most. They got me through some incredibly difficult times, often when I felt I had no one else to turn to.

Very few other mediums can claim to have such impacts on our lives as video games do. Games can be whatever you want them to be. Whether that be a tool to help switch your brain off after work, a way to help you see somewhere new and exciting, or just somewhere to relieve a bit of stress. I’ll always love video games, no matter how old I get. I can’t wait to see what amazing things come out next.

[survivor-iceland]

Ep. 10 - “[SCREAMS]” - Dylan C

Dylan C

/FIRST/ EOE CHALLENGE???

Raffy

I'm kind of sad that I knew that they wouldn't have kept me regardless of what I said. So, I don't want to work with these people, but I have to put my best foot forward. 

Maynor

Well things didnt go according to plan. But atleast i told Raffy that i was considering Keeping after me and Dylan started talking. Atleast my core groupd Me Timmy Joseph and Stephen are still intact. Dylan is still on our side. Maybe something with Raffy. And Jack is a wild card. All i want is to make it to the end and im going to play my ass off. ❤️Jay.

Raffy

Jack is immediately latching on to me. I think I can get him on my side which means I need 1 more person to tie. Or at least, I need those 4 to survive this next round so that we have majority at F7 against Timmy, Maynor, and Jack. It probably has to be Dylan because Joseph would not trust him. In fact, I think I want Joseph to go this round more than anything else.

Jack

Okay, i came back in being like REVENGE MAYBE and now im like damn Stephen's pretty chill. Dylan and Joseph seem like maybe they'd go along with a vote with me, and Raffy and Ellie seem tight and like they'd come with. I'm probably being dumb and imma be voted out but I've got a thought about getting out either Maynor or Timmy. Thing about Maynor is that he Stephen seem tight (?) so idk how'd he got for that, and no offense Timmy, but the only thing i've heard about him is HE FLIPPED ON THE VOTE BRO. So like idk if imma trust that. Me and Raffy seem tight and like an alliance with him and Ellie, and maybe pull Dylan and or Joseph. Also maybe vote him or Maynor or Timmy out like that. But also make him think i'm working with him. And also maybe secretly actually work with him? Or maybe voting out joseph or dylan. It all depends on who wins the immunity (which Jay is still deciding) but yeah. Also Rafy hates Joseph and im like but i wanna maybe use him

Jack

Chatted with Ellie tonight, reaffirmed the her me and raffy thing, and like set out maybe her reaching out to joseph and dylan about a plan to vote for either timmy or stephen (im leaning towards timmy cause honestly i like stephen more and think that down the line we could work together you know?) I also proposed a thing where Ellie and I both separately go to stephen (i already kinda been doing that) and be like "woe is me whatever shall i do i totally dont wanna work with raffy, who do YOU wanna vote for" and hopefully from that shell tell me if they're gunning for me *cough idol* Hopefully my very nice and perfect on paper plan works out, but also like hopefully anything but me going out happens so yeah. Also is it bad that i'm mostly leaning towards timmy cause hes like not tlaked to me much at all and i dont know the guy?

Raffy

Maynor winning immunity is a huge bummer, but I have to somehow gather the votes to keep myself in this game. I was probably so close to winning, but I'm just depressed now. Hopefully the groundwork I laid out last round comes to fruition. 

Raffy

Joseph tends to do this thing where he gives you unsolicited advice about how you should play your game. It's the most annoying thing because I a) did not ask and b) do not need it. I know he's trying to help, but it gets annoying with every time he does it. It gets my blood boiling.

Also, I asked Joseph if he'd be willing to vote out either Stephen or Timmy because Maynor/Stephen/Timmy are a strong alliance. He says he can't which makes me feel two different things. They are all in a four person alliance together, or Joseph is a coward that can't do anything for himself. He latches onto people like a parasite, and he is slowly eating more and more hay, becoming more and more of a goat. And I don't think he realizes it which is the funny thing. So, in essence, I don't need the advice from a goat. His reasoning was the he cant vote against a strong alliance, but that's exactly why you should vote against them. Nonetheless, someone is at the bottom and not all four of them are making it to FTC. So, we'll see how that attitude pays off for him (Spoiler: It won't).

Maynor

I am so happy i got to win immunity. 3 pet stores and pets of friends, i got it. Which is nice since my last immunity win was for nothing. This round could be tricky. Like everyone can still agree to talk out Raffy which I want because he is a very dangerous player. I just hope that the target doesnt land on Timmy. He’s the only one that I trust 100% + more.    

Raff

Joseph is bad at this game. He is always giving me unsolicited advice about how I should play my game when he is the one who is a goat. If anyone takes him to the end, he's going to lose because in no world does he win with his group consensus attitude. He's not making big moves. He's being a sheep. So, if he thinks he's playing a "good" game, then good for his self-esteem. But, at the end of the way, it doesn't matter what he thinks. It doesn’t matter what he thinks of his own game cause I’m going to be on the jury. So if he makes FTC (which is a hard IF) then it’ll be my perception that matters, not his. So we’ll see who has the last laugh in the end. 

Dylan is ignoring me which is a terrible thing to do. Ignoring someone has the same effect as telling someone that you are voting for them. Except, for me, it's worse because it's a bad social game because instead of having decency and telling someone the truth, you are making them an outcast and making them feel like they are less than. So, good on Dylan for having a bad social game, but I doubt they ever had a good one in the first place. Within this single round, people are losing my jury vote which might bite them in ass later down the line, but I'm reveling in it. 

Raffy

Jack wants to make a move against Timmy in order to lessen Maynor's stranglehold on the game. So, I told Maynor and Timmy all of this with a plan to tell Stephen later in the day. I'm sorry to Jack, but I have to do something to preserve my game, even if that means getting rid of a guaranteed number on my side. As a bottom feeder, you do what you can to survive. This has to be the move right now. Maybe next round, if I win immunity, I can regain control of this game, but I have no control right now.

Ellie

So I just now realized that I probably look like a fucking goat to everyone, and I’m not here for that. This round Raffy wants to get Jack out and we could definitely pull that off buttttt what if we got Raffy out? I don’t want him to go but if he doesn’t go this round it’ll probably be next. Idk what I’m gonna do, I’ve been playing it safe for too long, but idk if I should make my move YET.

Ellie

Yeah I made up my mind. It has to be jack 

Raffy

Dylan came to me willing to vote out Stephen. I don't know how well I can trust that, especially after these last two rounds. They said they'd be willing to go to rocks, but that is not something that's making me trust them at all. This could be a game-defining move, but I just am not sure if I can trust it. I have a lot to decide in these next 5 hours.

Raffy

Time to be a crackhead again and vote for Stephen. Dylan seems to be down for a Stephen vote, but I am not too sure. All this game talk is making me crazy. It'd be a 4-4 vote, and I feel like we could convince Joseph or Timmy to flip and not go to rocks. We need this to work or our games are tanked

Dylan C

Me? Consistently voting with the same people each round? It’s less likely than you think

Jack

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Dylan's on board with voting Stephen tonight (kinda sucks cause id have rather gone timmy but aye thats how it goes) and hopefully Josephs on board too when he logs in. That or Raffy and Ellie and Dylan are all fucking with me and in kahoots with Stephen and actually voting me, but imma try and (o god) /trust/ them. Hopefully i won't go home with an idol in my pocket. also those "I just wrote a confessional" messages are both reassuring and SO SUS

Maynor

So right now the two names for the vote our Timmy and jack. And of course im do not want Timmy going. It looks like everyone is down to vote for Jack. And Kinda nervous that Jack might have something from EOE. Im hoping there isnt a blindside and Timmy goes. Would be a dumn move on Stephen and Joseph because the other side have already shown they would write their names down so it would be smart to stick with the Blindside Central alliance till like F6. Just hoping everything goes well tonight.

Ellie

VOTE SWITCH BITCH OMFG FIRST SEASON ELLIE COULD NEVER, LOOK AT THE RAFFY AND ELLIE POWER DUO GO

Stephen

Im wondering if I’m going home, Jack coming back is intense, and for some reason he might not like me? Whatever. I’m only worried cause people are quiet, im worried that now john and zoe are gone timmy and maynor might ally with dylan ellie and maybe even raffy. Idk, I’m worried

Joseph Collins

I have been approached with a plan. A plan so crazy it just might work. Apparently jack, raffy, Ellie, and Dylan want to blindside Timmy. I feel like it’s a ploy. And they want me to vote Timmy whilst all 4 of them vote for me. I can’t trust any of them 

Jack

So Raffy was worried about Joseph leaking our vote to maynor/stephen/timmy so even tho Ellie, Raffy, Dylan, and I are all going Stephen were telling Joseph Timmy. And rn i am thinking its a good plan cause Joseph is being sus with his looking at my message, not responding, but then going over to tribal chat and being there. Like any sort of plausible deniability is out the window lmao. If it ends up ends up being 4 raffy v 4 stephen and a revote im p sure joseph would flip rather than go to rocks. Hopefully tho this isn't all the reality of my previously justified paranoia again, and this time round everyones not legit out to get me lol

Jack

Josephs being real weird and basically said like if i dont vote raffy imma be the one going and like hmmmmmm but also like i think i trust dylan to vote with us, but idk. Like idk imma stick with our plan and not play my idol and porrbably go home cause fuck me but yeah WOOOOOOOW

Stephen

So, heres the problem. Lets say that everyone except Jack is voting Jack, and he has an idol/advantage. Whoever he votes for goes home. But if I vote Raffy that ties up his vote. However, if I do that and Jack has allied with Raffy Ellie and Dylan, then the vote is 4-3-1 and they choose who goes home. This... this is a really tough call.

Timmy

I'm freaking the fuck out. Like I don't want to go and it is a big concern that it is a possibility. I want to trust people but the only one I truly trust is Maynor. I mean also, Stephen and Joseph but not in the same way obviously. I just don't want to get voted out, especially with an idol. Jack is an easy vote, but people don't do things easily in this game. I just think it's the right move and I'm playing my idol if Jack uses as idol or advantage.

Dylan C

Right now the plan is, afaik, to have four people (Raffy, Ellie, Jack, and myself) vote Stephen, tell Joseph it's Timmy in case he leaks to Maynor/Timmy/Stephen and one of them has an idol, and then the idol will get played on Timmy if one gets played. In theory. We'll see how that goes. Joseph is trying to get me to vote Jack this round, because he doesn't want to vote Timmy, and I'm trying to, well I don't know what I'm trying to convince him off. I told him I'm not voting Jack this round, which is true, but I never told him who I'm really voting for. Who in this game haven't I lied through my teeth to at some point, honestly. Watch me get to the end but trash my social game in the process smh. Jk, I don't see myself getting to F2/F3 (whatever it is). But the point still stands. I could say I have a closest ally in this game, but that'd be another fucking lie. I've voted with different people at different points and haven't had a solid loyalty to Anyone. Agreed w/Joseph on his F2 comments for instance, but I'm not 100% solid with him. (Though, according to Raffy, Joseph is in some alliance with Maynor, Stephen, and Timmy that he's uber loyal to. Good for him lol. Can't relate.) If I have any strategy at this point it's just: play the middle and go after the strongest people/biggest threats. Be a big girl and don't die, and all that. (That's a podcast reference.) So, that's why I don't wanna vote Raffy or Jack, yet. Even with the threat of someone they'd work with coming back from EoE, I'd rather work w/them and have them stick around and target someone like Maynor, Stephen, or Timmy who are strong, worked in orchestrating two blindsides, and one of them likely has an idol I feel like. Also? Jack and Raffy make for good shields, and Raffy literally pitched that to me as a reason not to vote for him last round. Told myself I wasn't gonna listen to him, and was gonna vote for him anyway, but then Keith dropped and I thought about it more and here I am. Basically: Involve yourself in strategy but in way that there's always a bigger threat, or someone more disliked, than you around who the others will want to go after more.

Dylan C

Joseph saying that he's "gotten screwed so much" but still voting Timmy? [SCREAMS] Sorry, just got hit with the realization that if I had to define closest allies, they are Joseph and Raffy who I have both screwed over and am still willing to screw them both again if I need to? Now I'm feeling regrets? I hate having a conscience and playing a game where I'm lying to people a bunch for this particular strategy

Dylan C

Joseph: third time's the charm with trusting people so like, insert more screaming : )

[got7scxnarios4u]

Forbidden Fruit: Jaebum AU: Part 5

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

You heard a faint beeping sound that progressively got louder, and as soon as you realise it’s your ‘leave the house alarm’. You quickly jump up and rush to your bedroom. You fell asleep on the couch with Jaebum, you were showing him all the movies he had claimed to never have seen. You must dozed off, and you must’ve been really tired because you did not hear any of your alarms.

“What’s going on?” Jaebum asks, slowly waking up stretching his long limbs.

“I’m late for work, I gotta go.” You take off yesterday’s clothes, chuck on a sweatshirt, leggings and your trainers. You would brush your teeth at work or if you had time, the bathroom at the subway station.

You sling your jacket on, grab your bag from off the table and finally you rush out the door.

Jaebum shrugs his shoulders and gets up. He walks over to the fridge and takes out some orange juice and drinks it straight from the carton. He discards of the empty carton. He makes his way over to the pantry, ready to find something to devour, but then the doorbell rings. You weren’t expecting anyone, were you?

He wearily opens the door, it was Hoseok.

“I’ve been calling you, I waited at the station for a-.” He looks up, from his phone

“Oh it’s you. Where is MY girlfriend?” He asks.

“She’s gone to work, she was running late, we were up late last night.” Jaebum says, smirking.

He could see that Hoseok was getting riled up.

Jaebum watches as he frantically presses his phone.

                                               “내 피 땀 눈물, 내 마지막 춤을.”

The famous BTS song arose from your couch. The boys both look over at it. Hoseok pushes Jaebum aside and pulls your phone from the couch. His eyes meet the screen, full of notifications, 10 missed calls, 50 texts, and 10 snapchats. He had been trying to get hold of you since the evening before.

“She forgot her fucking phone.” He mumbles under his breath.

“Oh what a shame.” Jaebum says sarcastically.

Hoseok turns and glares at Jaebum, he was sick of seeing his face, tired of hearing his voice. He didn’t know why you trusted him so much, he was a stranger you met on the street. He could easily murder you in your sleep or steal everything in your apartment while you went to work.

“I’m her boyfriend.” Hoseok states.

“Congratulations.” Jaebum says, sarcastically.

“She doesn’t like you, she has me.” Hoseok, staring him down.

“I don’t know who you’re trying to reassure, because your words mean nothing to me. Maybe if you weren’t such an asshole-“Hoseok fist strikes Jaebum’s cheek.

“Why don’t you pack your shit, I think it’d be better for you. We don’t want a repeat of this do we?” A smirk rests on his face. He sounded threatening, right? He wasn’t just going to get rid of Jaebum, he was going to bruise his ego.

Jaebum held in his strength because if he really wanted to, he could kill your puny boyfriend with two fingers. He feigns pain and clutches his cheek. He watches as Hoseok leaves the apartment.

You get back from work, you were exhausted. The day felt so disjointed, once you got to work you realised that your shirt was back to front and your leggings were dirty. You didn’t have a phone so you couldn’t call anyone. So you ended up buying new clothes, you even picked up a few things for dinner.

“Jaebum! I’m home!” You shout, expecting him come out of his room.

There was no reply. You go to his room and knock on the door, no answer. You open the door and check inside, his bed was made and he was nowhere to be found. Where would he go? Maybe he left, he had to someday. He had no ties to you. You perch on his bed, and run your hands through your hair, you missed him.

Jaebum walks through the door, exhausted, he had been out all day looking for jobs, but they could only consider him if he had a CV, a valid social security number and a passport. He had none of that.

You heard the front door slam and you get up, running to the living room. As soon as you see him you lunge at him, wrapping your arms around his mid-section. Just being around him calmed you, your once rapidly beating heart was beating at steady pace. The sweat on your brows was drying.

“Where have you been?” You ask him, tightening your grip.

He leans into the embrace, resting his hands your lower back, breathing you in. This feeling was strange feeling in his chest, an overwhelming ball of emotion.

“I went to go look for a job, but I don’t have any documentation.” He whispers into your hair.

You pull from the hug and step back, reality had hit you. You didn’t know him, you had a boyfriend. You felt oddly cold, being away from him.

“Oh, well, we will have to sort that out, I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine supporting us two. Hoseok doesn’t come around often anyway.”

“Speaking of the devil, he came around this morning, because he had been waiting for you or something. Anyway, it resulted in him forcing himself in, punching and threatening me.” Jaebum explains, sitting down on the couch.

“Oh my God! Yeah I forgot my phone at home. He never acts like that, are you okay?” You ask, concerned, your fingers gently brushing his hair.

He could feel himself crumble under your touch, you had some sort of power over him. Something he had never felt before.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I had to hold myself back though, I’m pretty sure, you would like your boyfriend’s face to remain in a normal order.” He confesses, putting his feet on the table.

“Yah! Put your feet down, I eat on this table!” You exclaim, slapping his feet.

He chuckles, slowly placing his feet on the floor. He catches himself staring at you as you text on your phone. He took in every detail on your face, while fighting the urge to touch you.

You texted Hoseok apologising for today, you honestly did not mean to ignore him. Your head was all over the place. You typed out a lengthy apology and awaited for his reply. The mysterious three dots appeared on the screen. And a couple of seconds later, he replies.

‘Can I come over? I miss you’

You knew what he meant by that, you knew you wouldn’t be comfortable engaging in that kind of activity while Jaebum was in the house, but you also knew that it was a lie. You didn’t want engage in that sort of activity with Hoseok, not anymore.

‘I miss you too, but I have chores to do, I’m free on Saturday though’

You quickly type and send.

‘Whatever’ He replies.

You roll your eyes, he always became an asshole when he didn’t get his way. You chuck your phone on the couch.

“What’s wrong?” Jaebum questions, moving closer to you.

“Nothing, just Hoseok doing what he usual does.” You say sighing.

Suddenly you felt his hands on your shoulders, he began rubbing them. You let a small moan as he seemed to rub the stress out of your body.

“Tell me about yourself.” Jaebum demands, shifting in his spot.

“Well, where do I start? I come from a small town in the middle of nowhere, I am an only child, and I am pretty sure that I’m adopted. I don’t really look like anyone in my family. My family is really religious-. “Jaebum cuts you off.

“Do you believe in God?” He asks you, removing his hands from your body.

You shiver at the loss of warmth.

“I have a strange relationship with God, if that make sense? I feel like I know him. But I don’t pray or go to church or a mosque but I feel heavily connected. Like there is a strong pull. Oh no! You must think I’m weird.” You exclaim, covering your face.

“No, I don’t get what you mean.” He felt the exact same, because he did know God.

“So what about you? Do you have any siblings? Or does the ‘devil’ know no one?” You joke, removing your hands from your face and turning to face him.

“I am from far away. I have 6 brothers and 2 sisters. I’ve always been an outcast, ever since I was crea- born. I had a rebellious stage and just stuck with it.” Jaebum tells you, looking off into the distance, you could tell that it was something that troubled him.

“You must’ve had a lot of people to talk to with 8 other siblings. You know I always begged my parents for a little brother or sister but they never gave in.”

“Heh, I wish it was like that, but I never felt so alone, I would have all these people around me, but I would feel isolated. And when my Dad kicked me out, the feeling got worse, I was surrounded by all these bad people and that’s when I realised that I wasn’t as bad as everyone made me out to be. But I had to survive, I was falling and I couldn’t get back up, so instead of setting my sights on the kingdom I stayed in the shadows. I-. “Tears well up in his eyes, and you feel that you are on the verge of tears, everything he said sounded familiar. You had always felt alone, not just because you were an only child, you had the social skills and you had a lot of friends, but all of them felt disposable, you were never all the way invested. Even with Hoseok, you were just with him because he asked you out and you found him somewhat attractive. You had known him for a while and it just felt like the right thing to do. However, with Jaebum everything felt so natural, like you had known him your whole life, the empty space inside was starting to close the more you were around him.

“It’s like you read my mind. Just know that you have me now, you don’t have to stay in the shadows and you don’t have to reach the ‘kingdom’. Just stay where you feel comfortable.” You wrap your arms around him and you feel him hug you back.

It felt so right like you were made to do this, to be here in the moment. All of a sudden you feel a power surge through you and it felt like time stood still. You had a vision of you and Jaebum, you were in what looked like a dream land. Your backs decorated with heavenly wings. Suddenly then a black mist encased both of you, and Jaebum’ wings turned black and they droop to the floor.

The vision frightens you and you pull away. It couldn’t have been a dream, you were awake. You were standing here. Your body feels strange, like your walking on air. You lock eyes with Jaebum and you see his mouth moving but you don’t hear any words, just a loud high pitch tone. And then you see black. Next thing you know, you were waking up to shouting.

“What the fuck did you do to her?” Hoseok yells at Jaebum from the chair beside your bed.

You turn your head and look through your eyelashes, Jaebum was standing across the room, leaning against your dressing table. His once styled hair was tousled as he ran his fingers through his jet black locks.

“I told you. I. didn’t. Do. Anything.” Jaebum says through gritted teeth.

Hoseok scoffs and gets up, walking towards Jaebum. You could see he was trying to contain his anger, there was more to him than he showed. Your vision made it clear, he was magical, a mystery.

“Stop!” You shout out, sitting up.

Hoseok stops in his tracks and turns around to face you. He is light and quick on his feet as he rushes to you.

“Baby, are you okay? What happened to you? What did he do?” He questions, holding your face in his hands.

You smile and hug him.

“I’m fine, I guess I must’ve fainted. I had a hard day at work and I’ve just been so busy. Exhaustion got the best of me.” You give a shy smile.

He hugs you back and you at look Jaebum over your boyfriend’s shoulder. He shyly smiles.

“Thank you.” You mouth. He just nods in response, leaving the room.

Shortly after he leaves, you hear his bedroom door slam.

“I’m staying tonight. I don’t trust him with you, while you’re not strong enough to defend yourself. Ah! That bastard, I told him to leave and he’s still here trying to take advantage.” Hoseok tells you, pulling away from the hug.

“You what? Don’t tell him leave. This is my apartment, I’m the one who gets to decide who stays and who goes. And I want him to stay. He’s my friend.” You tell him, crossing your arms.

“Friend? You’ve known him for two weeks.” Hoseok scoffs.

Two weeks? That was all? It felt like you had known him for a life time, you already couldn’t imagine your life without him. You were too tired to start arguing with Hoseok, so you just stay silent and turn over in your bed. Hoseok sighs and slides in next to you.

You wake up and it’s dark, you guessing it’s still late at night or its early morning. You wiggle out of your boyfriend’s grip and pick up your phone. It was 2:15 am. After lying there for a bit your stomach starts growling. You hadn’t eaten since lunch and you were starving. You tip toe out of bed and out of your room and into the kitchen.

As you boiled the kettle for your ramyun, you thought of Jaebum. He wouldn’t have eaten dinner yet, and you knew how hungry he got. You leave the kitchen to knock on his door. You stop when see a familiar white light leak from under the door. It was like the light from two days ago, like the light from your vision. You couldn’t stop yourself from opening the door.

 Hope you guys like this new chapter, sorry for the wait, if you have any ideas don’t be afraid to tell me, my inbox is open always

[closetofanxiety]

50 wrestling questions

I answer these burning questions here, below the cut:

1. What got you into wrestling?

I don’t really know. I’ve gone through three phases of being a wrestling fan in my life. The earliest was probably just because all the other kids in the neighborhood liked wrestling, and I was a people-pleaser even then, so I wanted to fit in. I remember the older kids like AWA or NWA because they were “real,” while us littl’uns thrilled to the exploits of Hulkster Hogan in the WWF. I like nothing else that I enjoyed as a child, not the movies or the TV shows or the books or whatever, so there was something about wrestling that stuck with me.

2. What is your favorite wrestling promotion?

ECW, if I’m being honest. A lot of that stuff has not held up well, but I got into it at the perfect age, when a lot of my friends were getting into it, and I have very fond memories bound up with ECW. For better and for worse, the most influential American wrestling company of the last 30 years. 

3. Favorite male wrestler of all time?

Gorgeous George, but if we’re talking about people who were alive when I was alive, then Dusty Rhodes. 

4. Favorite female wrestler of all time?

The Fabulous Moo- no. I don’t know. I don’t have the background in Japanese grappling that would allow me to make an informed answer here. Women’s wrestling in the USA was pretty terrible between the mid-1950s and the mid-2000s, and I mostly know American stuff. Let’s say Gail Kim, though.

5. Favorite current male wrestler?

Joey Janela

6. Favorite current female wrestler?

Su Yung, obvs

7. Favorite theme song?

"Psycho Killer,” when that was Ciampa’s theme song. One of my favorite wrestling memories is Americanrana ‘16, when the PA system died and the crowd sang the song a capella for his entrance. If we’re talking songs written specifically as wrestling entrance music, then Steve Austin’s music. With Shawn Michael’s “Sexy Sexy Boy Ooh La La” or whatever it’s called as a close second. That song makes me laugh every time I hear it.

8. Least favorite theme song?

I hated Ballz Mahoney’s ECW theme song, it just encouraged the worst meathead elements of the crowd, and it always heralded a crummy match. For wrestling-specific theme songs, Lana’s, while new, is almost unbelievably shitty. It’s like incidental music from an episode of “Night Court” where they go to a jazz club.

9. Favorite gimmick?

Gorgeous George, which is still being imitated to this day. Again, if we’re talking about people who were alive when I was alive, the Road Warriors. They were almost 100 percent gimmick, and they were massive stars for years. They were the only non-WWF guys us WWF-loving kids would buy action figures for, because their look was so good.

10. Least favorite gimmick?

It’s hard to choose from all the racist and gay-hating gimmicks that have been used over the years. By sullying the image of the immortal Prince Rogers Nelson, fucking Velveteen Dream is making an impressive run for this designation right now.

11. Best entrance (either their usual entrance or a special one, like a Wrestlemania entrance)?

Again, Gorgeous George had the best entrance of all time, it was 70 percent of his act and it made him a fortune, and everyone has copied it since. In terms of more recent stuff, I liked the Sandman’s entrance. It was 90 percent of his act. Pretty much everything Sandman did except his entrance was so-so to terrible, if we’re being honest.

12. Best Undertaker Wrestlemania match?

The one where he got his ass beat by the savage god Roman Reigns

13. Most overrated?

The Undertaker. I acknowledge that he made a massive, unthinkable success out of a truly ludicrous, sub-Memphian gimmick, but he was never a real draw, and I was never a big fan of his at any point in his career. Maybe no one in WWE history benefited more from protective booking, where he was always billed as an unstoppable, supernatural monster even when he had a mid-life crisis and decided he wanted to be a motorcycle man instead. 

14. Most underrated?

Pretty much anyone who had their entire careers, or the bulk of their careers, prior to the 1980s and the attendant explosion in wrestling’s popularity. It’s hard to properly rate someone like Nick Bockwinkel, when so much of his best work was done in the 1970s, let alone Gorgeous George or Buddy Rogers. Of guys since then, I’ll say Ted DiBiase, who is fixed in the public mind as the cackling rich guy caricature, but who was a phenomenally talented wrestler who could effortlessly pull off being a charismatic babyface or a cheating, despicable shitheel. Ted’s Mid-South run is amazingly good stuff.

15. Have you ever been to an event? If so, which one?

I have been to many pro wrestling shows. Last year I averaged three per month, which is, I’ll have you know, Too Much Wrestling Shows. My mother took me to my very first one, and since she died when I was five, I must have been very young indeed. I remember almost nothing about it, except that Bob Backlund was there.

Since then, I’ve been to a lot of ECW shows, including the 2000 Living Dangerously PPV with the famously hideous New Jack scaffold bump; many WWE shows, ranging from Raw and Smackdown episodes to house shows to Backlash 2003, where Goldberg met the Rock in the ring FOR THE FIRST TIME ANYWHERE; and lots and lots of indie shows, which are my favorite. I’ve sort of limited my show-going this year to Beyond Wrestling, Blitzkrieg Pro, and Northeast Wrestling, and I don’t go to all of their shows. 

In the late 1990s and early 2000s I used to go to shows with big crews of friends, but these days it’s usually me and one or two other people, or sometimes just me. It turns out most people my age are not down to drive to West Warwick, R.I. to see Zack Sabre Jr vs. JT Dunn! I enjoy it, though, it’s been a nice thing to have in my life at a time when there isn’t much else going on.

16. Who has the best merch?

The Young Bucks have something for every aesthetic.

17. Do you own any merch?

Yeah, I mean, too much. T-shirts, 8 x 10s, DVDS, loads of old wrestling magazines. I have a Young Bucks foam “Too Sweet” hand. I have a little plaster sculpture of AJ Lee where she’s a zombie, because WWE Shop was selling it for five dollars. I’m a disgrace, as a grown adult man.

18. Best nickname?

"The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes.

19. Worst nickname?

I’ve always thought “The Cerebral Assassin” was the dumbest goddamn nickname. Is the assumption here that assassins are typically stupid?

20. Best mic skills?

Bobby Heenan. He could do screaming and angry, he could do calm and menacing, he could do blustering and funny. He had the timing of a professional comedian and the verbal dexterity of the Midwest’s best used car salesman. People hated this man so much that a member of a Chicago crowd shot a pistol at him. 

21. Most annoying?

All-time: The Ultimate Warrior. Currently: Bray Wyatt.

22. Most attractive male?

Roman Reigns. The WWE is leaving money on the table by having him wrestling in a shirt/vest and long pants.

23. Most attractive female?

I really like Hikaru Shida’s complex aesthetic, which combines “hard-hitting Japanese wrestling” with “elaborate theatrical strangeness” and “Hey, check out my ass.” 

24. Favorite faction?

The first two incarnations of the Four Horsemen. If pressed, I prefer the Flair/Arn/Tully/Windham lineup. 

25. Worst faction?

It’s easy to pick one of the five million here-and-gone WWE factions like the Union (ugh) or the Social Outcasts or the League of Nations, but they didn’t really last long enough, or have enough of an impact, to be truly wretched. Same deal with, like, the Aces & Eights: they just stunk up TNA, which was already bad to begin with. The answer is the nWo, from January, 1998 onwards: until that point they had been the most compelling thing about American wrestling, but after that they became a bloated, tedious, airtime-gobbling monstrosity that helped drag WCW down into depths it never recovered from. 

26. Best ring gear?

Su Yung and Penta El Zero Miedo. I like the spooky stuff.

27. Who do you think would be the nicest in real life?

I’ve had very few interactions with wrestlers beyond the standard “Hey, great match, how much is that DVD,” but among those I have had more substantive encounters with, JT Dunn, Swoggle, Gangrel, Su Yung, and Santana Garrett stand out as particularly nice. I’ve also heard people from all walks of life praising Little Guido as the nicest dude around, and universal praise is vanishingly rare in pro wrestling. I like to imagine Kevin Owens is a good egg.

28. Who would be the rudest in real life?

Like anyone else, I’ve Heard Things, but I haven’t had a really bad encounter with a wrestler beyond this one guy who works local indie shows and who is a rude chud in real life. It seems unfathomable to me that Matt Riddle is the kind of person I’d want to share a cab ride to the airport with, but maybe that’s just the strength of his brand working. 

29. Favorite heel?

The Dudley Boys in ECW. I legitimately hated them, and bought tickets in the hopes of seeing them get their asses beaten. 

30. Most hardcore?

I bet the real answer to this is like the answer to the great “Who is the most legit tough guy” question that everyone asks. Like, it’s someone we’d never suspect. It’s not Nick Gage, it’s Eva Marie. That woman has seen some shit that would turn your hair white, I bet. I honestly don’t know the answer to this. Probably a guy in Japan who blew himself up in a volcano. 

31. A wrestler you could beat?

At wrestling? Absolutely none of them. Eva Marie would destroy me, Goldberg style. It’s like sports: the worst fucking guy on the worst fucking NBA team would beat the best pickup player in your town by a hundred points in a one-on-one matchup. Once-a-monthers who have office jobs and still wrestle in singlets and are 30 pounds overweight could put me in a coma without breaking a sweat. But what about ... trivia regarding papal history? Ah, now the worm has turned, Eva Marie! You’re on my turf now.

32. Best story line?

Have to agree with Tape Machines, it’s the Freebirds vs. the Von Erichs 

33. Biggest missed opportunity for a story line?

The WCW Invasion angle didn’t work for a lot of reasons, and some of those reasons were probably beyond WWE’s control, but holy shit did they bungle what could have been a gigantic machine that spit out money. 

34. Worst story line?

I can’t pick just one. The 1990s were an absolute golden era of terrible storylines, from Cactus Jack getting amnesia and thinking he was a sea captain to the terrible saga of Katie Vick. I’ll say the Chuck and Billy storyline, because it somehow managed to be insulting to people who had never heard of wrestling in their lives. 

35. Which wrestler should turn heel?

Matt Riddle. I mean, I guess he is a heel, in the sense that his act today is the exact same as it was when he was breaking into the business in 2015 and was hated by indie audiences. He hasn’t done anything differently, but the smug choads from the Internet Wrestling Community have decided he is their savior because they can chant the syllable “bro” in public. 

36. Which wrestler should turn face?

Kevin Owens. I’d love to see what he could do as a fearless asskicker with witheringly sarcastic putdowns on the microphone. 

37. Who would be the worst to room with?

If you’ve ever had close friends or relatives with drug problems, you know the answer to this is Jake Roberts. On a more lighthearted note, sharing an apartment with the Ultimate Warrior would have been a mindbending ordeal, since he was pretty much like that all the time.

38. Who would be the best to room with?

Candice LeRae is a former professional baker, so as a fat guy, I would be very happy to be the person she tests out new cakes and stuff on. But most contemporary wrestlers are people obsessed with the gym, video games, and meal prep, so calibrate your roommate expectations based on those parameters. 

39. Who would be your best friend if you were a wrestler?

I like to imagine it would be Kevin Owens, and I would constantly joke about him betraying me like he always does with best friends, until finally he’d stop responding to my texts. AND THEN I’D KNOW.

40. What would your job be in a wrestling promotion?

I would be styled as “Engagement Director for New & Emerging Media and Content Outreach,” and my job would be taking tickets at the door, applying wristbands to people old enough to drink, and keeping my fucking mouth shut when the wrestlers were hanging around.

41. Favorite wrestling podcast/Youtube channel?

AIW’s “The Card is Going to Change” is the best wrestling podcast in the world. I recommend it to people who don’t even like wrestling, mostly because it’s three dudes telling picaresque tales about restaurants getting trashed and bizarre exploits in northern Ohio. Their recent episode about being paid to put on a show for a child’s 10th birthday is amazing. My favorite wrestling YouTube channel currently is Rassle Reel, which is constantly uploading obscure shit from the 1970s and 1980s.

42. Favorite finisher?

Mr. Perfect’s Perfectplex, a thing of artistic beauty

43. Least favorite finisher?

The Pedigree

44. Favorite match?

Taz vs Sabu at Barely Legal in 1997

45. Favorite PPV?

I’ll always have a soft spot for the first Survivor Series, which is the first PPV I ever watched (we didn’t order it; the neighbors did, and a bunch of us crowded into their den to watch). I don’t know if the first Starrcade was technically a PPV, but that’s one I can watch over and over.

46. Guilty pleasure wrestler?

I don’t like the concept of guilty pleasures, but if we mean which wrestler do I like that some vague critical consensus insists I should hate, I’ll say Honky Tonk Man. 

47. Favorite submission?

THE KATA HA JIME, otherwise known as the Tazmission. 

48. Most entertaining to watch?

Randy Savage

49. Best spot?

Anyone spitting mist into the unsuspecting eyes of their foes 

50. Who do you most respect?

 I respect you, booker man. 

[boxofpurplememories]

October 31, 2018

Today has sucked. Not only did i wake up to another fight with mason, but we’ve been fighting all week. no, more than that. we’ve been fighting for over two weeks straight. it all started in Chicago. my major is architecture. and every year we have a travel week. this year, it being my first year, we went to Chicago. i got to know the other people in my studio a lot better. 

once we found out the city we were traveling to, everyone of course got excited. a lot of the people in my studio had plans to get drunk. weather it was going out, or staying in. at some point or another, we were all getting wasted. at first, i didn't know how to feel. I've never drank before. i wanted to, but i was also scared. when it came down to it, i would decide when i saw what the exact plans were. 

during the day, it was fun. we did all the touristy stuff. we got to go to a lot of fun different places. I've been to most of them before, but the others i haven't. so it was fun to explore some new stuff. however, on the first night they made a game plan. throughout the day, some of the girls were wanting to go out, as well as some of the guys. not everyone had a fake, and not everyone would want to go out in a big unfamiliar city, so we all decided to stay in. the ones who did have fakes, would go a get alcohol (everyone else would pitch in cash), and we all would stay in and drink.

i was so caught up in the moment. i was so excited. nothing else mattered. i was finally going to have my first drunk experience. i would finally understand what the big hype is. i would finally fit in. my head was too high in the clouds. i wasn't thinking about after. i wasn't thinking about what other people, my friends at home, mason, would say. i was too focused on the now.

When the people who left to get the stuff came back, we had decided on my hotel room (shared with seven other girls) was the place to do this. we all got comfortable and began. i was first poured an entire solo cup of white wine. at first taste i didn't like it, although i continued to drink half of it. after i got to that point, i wanted to switch it up. i began to drink red wine, thinking it would taste something like church wine. it didn't taste anything of the sorts. it tasted horrible. after trying to tough it out, i couldn't do it. i poured it out and switched to pure vodka. that at all wasn't better, but i could handle what i poured, which wasn't much. the people who went out also got a vodka-lime mix. that out of all (except the white wine) tasted better, but it still had a kick, considering it was mostly vodka. there was also sprite for mixers. so i mixed the lime vodka with sprite. it tasted amazing. that was my go to drink for the rest of the night. i probably had 4 or more cups. 

as we drank, we played cards against humanity. it was okay, but because there were so many of us, it wasn't that fun. so we just spent the rest of the night talking. at first we probably began with 11 people. as the night went on, more people joined us. at some point there was probably more than 20 of us in this tiny room. it was really fun. i really enjoyed actually spending time with the other students in my studio, doing what they would call, a usual party. i really did enjoy it.

while the whole night was going on, i was texting mason. he did not like at all that i was drinking. in a big city. with people he doesn't know. with us being so far apart. i didn't realize how mad he was until the night went on. he got so upset that he just texted me “enjoy your time in Chicago with your friends” and that was it. when i realized how badly i fucked up, i only wanted to drink more. downing more and more cups of the vodka sprite mix. i wasn't getting drunk for the fun anymore, i was getting drunk to forget. to not hurt.

in the morning i woke with a hangover. i honestly think i was still a bit tipsy from the previous night. i dealt with my hangover and went on with my day. we did the same type of touristy stuff during the day. i went out to dinner with a couple of friends, different than the previous night. we got back to the hotel late. I kinda wanted to go to sleep. both that day and the day before were busy, and i was already running on lack of sleep. when i walked into my room, the same thing was happening the night before, except with way less people, and most of them were from my studio.

so what else to do than sit down with them? this time i did not plan on getting drunk. i just wanted to chill and drink with them. well they went out to a bar, and i stayed back and hung out with a mix of other people. i helped finish off what remained of last nights drinks. i got a little buzzed. after everyone else returned from the bar, i hung out with them. i drank a little more. i think i got a little drunk, but nothing too bad. i was just extremely dizzy and lost my balance a few times. i was still able to walk.

the thing i will always remember, was this person being so proud of me. they were beaming. they pronounced several times throughout the night that i was cool. you have no idea how nice that was to hear, after 18 years of being pushed aside, walked on. after 18 years of being an outcast, excluded, disliked. someone who actually has a say, telling not only me, but other people that matter in the social world, that i am cool. although they said that i was cool, all i heard was that i mattered. i was finally accepted after 18 years. 

the aftermath of what came next was worse. i had to deal with my boyfriend’s and friends’ reactions. i thought my friends would’ve been more accepting. once again i was just brushed over. a person i care about very much, and i am very close with, told me that they were disappointed in me. that was really unexpected. it cut deep. 

of course what i didnt see was the storm brewing. i did not see days and days of endless fighting, endless crying, endless regret. just about every night since then i have cried at some point. mason and i fought like it was world war three. i have never been filled with so much self hatred. today marks the tenth day of fighting. every time we “work it out”, we agree that we both are okay. that there’s nothing else. but the next thing i know were at each others necks again. it absolutely does not help that masons depression gets worse in the winter. and right now its begun to get worse. i try to help him, but regardless of what he says, i feel like i am making it worse. with everything happening, neither of us are strong. i am trying my best to fix him, but i am struggling to fix myself. 

i really feel like an inconvenience. i really feel like i am a waste of space. a waste of oxygen. let someone else who matters breath this air, not me. this is not a suicide note. i have no intention of killing myself. i am just very lost right now. i dont know what to do.

mason doesn't want me out at parties. its okay if i drink, as long as i stay inside. he doesn't want me drinking with people he doesn't know, but i think he can handle it. 

tonight my roommates and a couple of our friends were all getting ready in our room. it hurt to watch them get ready and have fun, and not be a part of that. i had originally planned to, but because of everything that happened, i was told i would lose the trust of my boyfriend, and many more things. it really fucking hurt. i couldn't do anything about it. just sitting there, trapped in my thoughts. trapped of how i can no longer fit in. i can no longer be accepted. i feel like nothing. i am nothing.

tonight really hurt. i really hurt. 

[the-jaydog8-blog]

E-Portfolio

Casting Jon Benet (2017) & Paris is Burning (1990)

1. Personal Impact-

Casting Jon Benet

This film resonated with me for two reasons. The first is that I feel this film acts as a sort of mirror for the viewer, forcing us to acknowledge a tendency we have as humans, where we are often consumed by curiosity to the point that we look at tragic events (i.e. the murder of Jon Benet Ramsey) as a means of our own entertainment, dehumanizing those involved and affected by the event (I’ll get into this more in the Social & Political Context section). The second reason this film affected me so deeply is too personal to share in detail, but essentially the montage scene at the end of the film really hits home, as it reminds me of a similar experience I’ve had with my own family.

Paris is Burning

I was raised Christian. The church I grew up in is a Baptist Church in Los Gatos. The congregation is primarily white, wealthy, and very conservative. My oldest friend from church was named Jason (he also went by “Jay,” like me). Besides our names, and the fact that we both came from wealthy, conservative, white families, we didn’t have much in common, but we remained good friends throughout the years. We attended church together from preschool, through the end high school. As we got older, we didn’t hangout much, but whenever shit-hit-the-fan, we were always there for each other. During our senior year, Jay came out as gay. I was surprised when he told me, but I didn’t think much of it. I just said, “Awesome!!” and gave him a hug. I was really happy for him. We then both went on to attend SCU. Over the next 4 years, I got to see Jay transform. Slowly but surely, Jay became comfortable being himself. I realized that for the first 18 years of our lives, I didn’t really know Jay. But here at SCU, I got to know him. It seemed like he had finally found a community where he felt accepted; a community where he felt no pressure to be anything other than himself, and where he felt no guilt or judgement about who he was. He graduated in Spring of 2017. He killed himself 4 months later.

When I watch Paris is Burning, I think of Jay. I think of him strutting across campus, radiating confidence, with a hot pink boa around his neck and rainbow flags attached to his backpack. I think of how he thrived in a community where he felt a sense of belonging. But then I think of the battle he fought every day. I think of the torment he felt. And then my heart breaks because I think about how he must have felt lost after leaving SCU, the safe, welcoming community he had once belonged to. I think of how he ultimately lost hope, how he saw no end to the suffering, and how he was forced to take what he saw as the only way out. So, why is Paris is Burning so important? The answer is simple: this film offers hope to the hopeless. It has been 28 years since this film was released, but it is no less valuable today than it was then. There are still so many people today struggling to find a sense of belonging, struggling to find any reason to live; this film is for them. Paris is Burning offers hope to those who desperately need it.

2. Social & Political Context

Casting Jon Benet

Ok I know literally everyone and their mom has used this video in their presentations but hear me out... I believe Childish Gambino’s “This is America” music video shares similarities with Casting Jon Benet in terms of their social/political commentary, as well as their method for delivering said commentary. 

There’s this movement on social media that I’ve seen becoming more and more popular among my generation over the last couple years, which I’ve dubbed the “Good Vibes Only’ movement. Essentially, its a collective emphasis on positivity and self-care with a main guiding principle that says, “focus solely on what makes you happy, and cut out everything else.” While I’m a big believer in self-care and positivity, I feel like this practice of ignoring anything that makes you uncomfortable or upset is unrealistic and unhealthy, and has led to an increase in apathy and desensitization that is hurting our society. “This is America” and Casting Jon Benet both highlight the existence of this problem by acting as a sort of “mirror” for the viewer, where the intended audience sees their own tendencies reflected back to them by the people and events on-screen. 

Childish Gambino’s video highlights the way the privileged white majority in America likes to focus on and get enjoyment from the "fun” aspects of African-American culture (rap, hip-hop, dance, etc.), but does not like to acknowledge the problems and struggles African-Americans face daily (police brutality, poverty, discrimination, etc.). #positivevibesonly...

Casting Jon Benet is an example of how easily we, in America, can get so caught up in our own curiosity that we lose track of what is really at the core of what has us intrigued. In this case, a 6 year-old girl was brutally assaulted and murdered, yet in this documentary we see how, since the murder, most of us have been so obsessed with the mystery of it all that we forget about the heartbreaking tragedy at the center of it. Again, an example of how we push away the things that make us feel sad or uncomfortable so we can focus solely on the “fun” part of it and feel good. 

Paris is Burning

When this film was being made, it was an especially brutal time to be a homosexual man in New York City. The AIDS epidemic was in full-swing, and everyone was terrified of contracting the disease. On top of the fact that AIDS was claiming the lives of many gay men, it also served to completely alienate the gay community, causing them to become outcasts of society. Essentially, in the 80s, gay men in New York City were treated like lepers; they were the “untouchables” of society. Many were even cast out by their own families, leaving them to fend for themselves. While Livingston did not intend for this film to spark a social-movement - (“Paris is Burning is not a social-movement film, nor does it presume to represent the totality of queer-of-color existence. In fact, the film is quite explicit that it is specific to a time and a place,” (Hildebrand, 138)) - I do believe it serves a greater purpose.

At a time when gay men were facing relentless persecution and being pushed to the margins of society, Paris is Burning depicts how black/hispanic gay men in New York City were able to create their own community in which they found safety, solace and hope. By choosing to portray the “ball scene” in NYC, Jennie Livingston created a film which offered hope to the gay community, who, at the time, did not have many media representations that they could connect with. “The film matters to many...particularly those who have been starved for images of lives with which can they identify and that validate their right to exist and inspire alternative ways of being in the world. Thus, the film’s importance is not just historical but also affective. The cultural work this documentary has done in the world transcends the film and its filmmaker by offering models of queer world-making,” (Hildebrand, 146). Today, this film is still just as important, as it continues to serve as a message of hope to those struggling to validate their own existence, showing them that, while it feels like they have nowhere to turn, it is possible to create a new life that is worth living.

3. Director’s Voice

Casting Jon Benet

Although still very much in the early stages of her film career, Kitty Green has already begun to establish a unique voice. Green has a very unique style of reenactment that is on display in Casting Jon Benet, as well as her first film, The Face of Ukraine: Casting Oksana Baiul (2015); she holds “auditions” for the roles in her reenactments, and then uses the performances from those auditions as the actual reenactments in her film. By doing this, Green is able to show different interpretations of the same event. Green then intercuts these reenactments with interviews from the auditions, and uses that combination as the narrative structure for the film. 

Paris is Burning

“...this film operates in a liberal cinéma vérité tradition that refused voice-of-God narration in order to allow the participants and the footage to speak for themselves,” (Hildebrand, 138). Much of the criticism surrounding Paris is Burning is in regards to Jennie Livingston’s “director’s voice” (or, lack-thereof). The unique thing about Livingston’s voice in this film is that she doesn’t really have one; she completely omits any sort of didactic voice from this documentary, which causes it to have a sort of open-ended narrative, with no clear resolution or call-to-action. Some criticize Livingston for this, saying that it allowed for the privileged white audience to purely get entertainment from this film, rather than being forced to think about the social issues being raised. “...the lack of the filmmaker’s own didactic voice may, in part, suggest a kind of ambiguity and account for the divided readings of the film,” (Hildebrand, 138). 

4. Evolution of Global Documentary

Casting Jon Benet

Seeing as it was just released a year ago, its hard to tell the impact Kitty Green’s documentary has had/will have on the world of documentary-filmmaking. However, based on the reactions it has received, I think it is safe to say that this film is definitely making waves in the world of documentary. Even those who have criticized it, still admit that it is an important part of documentary history; “...Casting Jon Benet, is in many ways a deeply unsatisfying, even infuriating film, but I wouldn’t want not to have seen it,” (Brody). In fact, its controversy only serves to further solidify its place in the history of documentary film. Many point to Errol Morris as the main inspiration for Kitty Green’s films. However, while inspired by Morris, Green has begun to create an original style of her own. In the next few years we will be able to get a better idea of how Green’s film has impacted the world of documentary filmmaking. 

Paris is Burning

At a time when gay men faced intense discrimination and lacked any sort of role-models on-screen that they could relate to, Jennie Livingston’s Paris is Burning joined films like Tongues Untied (1989) by Marlon Riggs in jump-starting a movement that provided those in the LGBTQ+ community with films they could look to for inspiration, and representation. Although Livingston claims her film is not a social-movement film, I believe it falls in the same category as films like Tongues Untied as helping drive the movement for equality in the United States. 

I believe Paris is Burning has a place in film history (and apparently so does the Library of Congress, as they selected it for preservation in 2016). As I explained in my first section, this film matters for many people, for many reasons. As long as there are people in need of hope, in need of knowing there is a possibility of a better life and a better future, this film will matter. 

Works Cited

“Casting JonBenet”: A Documentary That Unintentionally Exploits Its Participants" (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site. by Richard Brody, The New Yorker, April 2017.

"Film Review: Casting Jon Benet (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site." written by Peter DeBruge, Variety, April 2017.

"Is Paris Burning?", by bell hooks in Black Looks: Race & Representation; 2014.

"Love Hangover: Debates", pp 119-146 in Paris is Burning: A Queer Film Classic, by Lucas Hildebrand, 2013

http://thesantaclara.org/remembering-the-life-of-jason-jay-bassett/#.Wxi8sNXwa8o

[douchebagbrainwaves]

HERE'S WHAT I JUST REALIZED ABOUT PEOPLE

But by starting there they were perfectly poised to expand up the stack of microcomputer software as microcomputers grew powerful enough to win, and the result is what we can't say. So the most important consequence of realizing there can be good art is that it frees artists to try to make money differently is to sell different things, and in addition the people who produce a show can distribute it themselves. Eventually something would come up that required me to use it themselves, and that will get easier too. The social sciences are also fairly bogus, because they're untainted by experience. I release to beta users.1 Odds are this project won't be a class assignment. That seems unlikely, because you'd also have to discard the idea of being mistaken. So I've thought a lot about valuation, founders will save them for last. Fortunately there's a better way of preventing it than the credentials the left are forced to fall back on.

I use their smallest size, which is usually unanimous.2 Defense contractors? Most applications—most startups, probably—grow out of personal projects. VCs fund you, they're not drifting. It's just that if I can't write things down, worrying about remembering one idea gets in the way.3 Microsoft both executed well and got lucky. How do you protect yourself from these people?4

Most people in America do. Their house isn't theirs; it's their stuff's. They would say that.5 That's not a radical idea, by the way; it's the main difference between children and adults.6 But once you study how it's done, you see nothing but the blue glow of TVs. Which means you can't simply plow through them, because I didn't realize that it evolves. They're going to have competitors, so you should a consciously shift gears, instead of releasing a software update immediately, they had real force. It's much easier to fix problems before the company is basically treading water. New York have wondered about since the Bubble: whether New York could grow into a startup hub, there won't be people there who got rich from startups.7 If good art is art that interests its audience, then when you talk about cities in the sense of art that would appeal equally to your friends, others that will appeal to most sentient beings whatever that means. They would seem to have become professional fundraisers who do a little research on the side while working on their day jobs, and most founders of successful ones do. But increasingly it means the ability to win by doing better work.8

They're far better at detecting bullshit than you are at producing it, even if you're producing it unknowingly. It would hurt the startups somewhat to be separated from their original investors. That would definitely happen if programmers started to use handhelds as development machines—if handhelds displaced laptops the way laptops displaced desktops. No matter how determined you are, are you really out of your element? The really painful thing to recall is not just that I accumulated all this useless stuff, but that would be impossible in the circumscribed world of the iPhone, you could say either was the cause. They're hemmed in by dealers and unions.9 When the unfortunate fellow got to his last slide, the professor replied, we're interested in different questions now. After four years of trying to make you lift weights with your brain.

Like having more than one without. Draw a sharp line between your thoughts and your speech. It will force you to organize your thoughts. Even if you could get a 30% better deal elsewhere?10 I didn't use the term slippery slope by accident; customers' insatiable demand for custom work that unless you're really incompetent there has to be poised halfway between weakness and power.11 Meanwhile the iPhone is selling better than ever. What sort of problem should you try to make them all work in some renovated warehouse you've made into an incubator. Stuff is an extremely illiquid asset. Now it's possible to ask that.12 The critical years seem to be thriving, you can be as convinced as you like about your idea, and it has to be big, and it will probably be easier to do that is to visit them.13

They make such great hardware. But the market doesn't have to think Why bother? So while board control is not total control, it's not imaginary either. I was certainly a hacker, at least, that it's hard to do a lot of the questions people get hot about are actually quite complicated. But, as in How much runway do you have left, you've avoided the immediate danger.14 What could HUAC do, defend the Salem witch trials? Not heroes, not barbarians. Not all cities send a message.15 Many people remember it as the happiest time of their lives. How well this scheme worked would depend on the city.16

Notes

The meanings of these people.

The thing to do wrong and hard to predict startup outcomes in which those considered more elegant consistently came out shorter perhaps after being macroexpanded or compiled. What people will give you 11% more income, or can launch during YC is how important it is possible to make 200x as much income. At YC we try to be redeveloped as a single cause. Giving away the razor and making money on our conclusions.

5 seconds per day. The real problem is poverty, not conquest. For example, will be very unhealthy. If you want to.

It is still a leading cause of accidents. Don't be evil.

The fancy version of Explorer. But having more of it. One measure of that, the only cause of economic inequality is a bit dishonest, incidentally, because by definition this will help dispel the cloud of semi-sacred mystery that surrounds wisdom in this, but you get nothing. It will require more than clumsy efforts to protect themselves.

If you want to approach a specific firm, get rid of everyone else microscopically poorer, by decreasing the difference between being judged as a definition of politics: what determines rank in the woods. They could make it to colleagues. Come work for the government and construction companies. There are two very different types of people.

By this I used to build their sites. You're investing your own. But that doesn't seem to lose elections. Ed.

Please do not do that. There are successful women who don't, but the route to that knowledge was to realize that in 1995, when politicians tried to motivate people by saying Real artists ship.

But politicians know the actual server in order to provoke a bidding war between 3 pet supply startups for the first time as an idea that they create rather than trying to deliver the lines meant for a reason. But in most high schools. What you're looking for initially is not writing the agreement, but except for that might produce the next uptick after that, go ahead. You can build things for programmers, but something feminists need to fix once it's big, plus they are so intellectually dishonest in that category.

For example, if you ban other ways. Not startup ideas, but the number of startups have over established companies can't compete on price, and can hire a lot more frightening in those days, but as impoverished outcasts, which would harm their all-important GPA. And even then your restrictions would have been seen mentioning the possibility is that if you agree prep schools is to do that. Later we added two more modules, an image generator and the war on drugs show, bans often do more than most people are trying to deliver because otherwise competitors would take their customers.

You can build things for programmers, but also like an undervalued stock in that water a while we might think it might help to be the fact that you're paying yourselves high salaries.

People commonly use the word procrastination to describe what they made much of the businesses they work for the tenacity of the best thing for founders, if you're good you'll have less room to avoid sticking. So where do we draw the line that philosophy will suffer by comparison, because such users are stupid.

How to Make Wealth in Hackers Painters, what you care about valuations in angel rounds can make offers that super-angels tend not to: if he ever made a better user experience. One measure of the word content and tried for a seed investment in you, they have a connection to one of the markets they serve, because any story that makes curators and dealers use neutral-sounding language. But the question of whether public company CEOs were J. The trustafarians' ancestors didn't get rich from controlling monopolies, just the raw gaps and anomalies you'd noticed that day.

Investors will deliberately threaten you with a slight disadvantage, but it's always better to live. If they were friendlier to developers than Apple is now very slow, but you get of the word programmers care about may not have raised: Re: Revenge of the things I remember are famous flops like the one hand and the super-angels gradually to erode. No, we don't have the balls to ask, if you include the cases where you went to school.

Other highly recommended books: What is Mathematics? Delicious users are stupid. Some government agencies run venture funding groups, just that they're really not, and stir.

Yes, strictly speaking, you're not consciously aware of it, but he doesn't remember which.