droothr

[threnodians]

i've only known @hoobish for almost 3 whole weeks now but if anything happened to them i'd kill everyone on this website and then myself 😊👍🏻

[shxxtingstarss]

therapy no. 29

today's session was quite good, which is probably the reason why my therapist decided to overdraw the time by almost 15 minutes.

We started the session by talking about my GP, she was supposed to prescribe me my emergency meds (my old antipsychotics in a really low dose so it makes me sleep), which she did, but she had some questions for my therapist about it because she isn't familiar with that medication and the low dose is not very usual. So my therapist has to write a short letter to my GP, explaining why I need that medication and what we're doing in therapy - in that context (thinking out loud about what he should write) I think he tried to praise my efforts in therapy indirectly - he said he'd write down that I cooperate very well and try very hard to have success in therapy, that we're doing depthpsychology oriented psychotherapy, and that I would need the medication for my (nightly) panic attacks, strong overexcitement/overwhelmedness etc. so that I could just go to sleep.

After that was done, we talked about how my week went and that I tried to not be in touch with my emotions at all because when I was, they were usually really overwhelming ...I just realized in this exact moment that this is the reason why my mood-diary-app is almost empty when I look at some days of the past week. lol, could've gotten that one earlier. Anyways, we then got to the topic of F and my problems and discussions and my personal boundaries (and how they're being ignored...again). At the beginning of the session I mentioned how confused I was about the fact that the panic attacks, that wake me up from sleep, came back on tuesday morning, right after the evening when F told me he had decided that he wanted to try to start over with our relationship/partnership and I was genuinely happy and relieved, but a few hours later doubts had filled my head again and I woke up with a really bad feeling in my stomach (+diarrhea from the anxiety), crippling fear, shaky hands, trouble breathing... all the horror coming back (only in a smaller version than a few weeks ago). Well now it all makes sense, because there are a few things that feed those doubts and insecurities...

namely I found three levels of problems, the problematic way of how our conflicts were going on in the last weeks / how we were talking to each other (or..not), the way F doesn't seem to care about my boundaries in situations where it would be quite important to respect them, and a lot of (relationship-) work in general that is ahead of us and will be very hard.

Because I talked about the problematic conflicts/discussions, I finally managed to also talk about the central conflict of the last few weeks: F installing dating apps less then three days after we kinda-broke-up (it took us a week to be sure, but he already installed dating apps in the first days of that week in order to meet guys so he could finally gather experience with guys too) and F meeting people in the last few weeks while we were still figuring things out and how that made me crazy, well not crazy, but it made me feel hurt and worthless at first, later I felt threatened by the thought of him being (romantically) interested in other people while I'm still waiting for him (or at least waiting for him to decide whether or not he wants to try 'us' again) and had panic attack after panic attack when he went out with that guy from another town (he drove there over one hour which made it rly worse for me). I almost didn't want to tell my therapist how that topic made me feel, that I felt worthless and that I actually didn't think it was ok of F to do that while we were still figuring things out (that second thing is something I thought all the time but I didn't say that out loud, my therapist asked me if that was the big thing behind all that and the boundary of me that was crossed at that point), I was so ashamed of my feelings and wasn't even sure if I was allowed to feel that way. During today's session I found out that a lot of my judgement of my feelings and thoughts about this topic might have something to do with how F reacted to them: read more here

So, for example, because he asked me why I couldn't be more "chill" about all that, I wasn't sure anymore if I was allowed to feel the way I felt, and tried to re-evaluate my feelings and thoughts by talking about that topic to other people and see how they would react. But they reacted very individually, some were even more upset than me, others were not very upset at all, but they said they understood why I felt that way. Well, in the end I didn't come to any conclusion because the re-evaluation ended in a 50:50 - kinda way.

We got a bit more into that topic of me thinking about if I'm allowed to feel the way I feel, and that I was scared of being judged for the way I feel about this topic and felt really ashamed of how I feel about it (so ashamed that I first couldn't even tell my therapist how I felt about the situation when he asked me that... I explained why I didn't want to tell him and managed to tell him a few minutes later) which ended in me feeling quite overwhelmed with all the stuff I told him today and all the stuff that was waiting for me outside that safe room I was in.

I felt very deeply understood by my therapist today and very safe with him even though the topic was very complicated and stressful for me. He ended the session with stating that maybe it is good to have a focus on a topic like that, my boundaries, because I am very self-aware/reflecting person, and am thinking a lot about my actions and feelings and thoughts all the time, it can be good to really focus on something this big so we could maybe have a great impact on all the other problematic and difficult topics too.

[dimigexwrites]

Whumptober, Day 21 - Saiyo / Kazuko

Prompt: That's where the blood is supposed to be (bleeding through bandages, pressure, blood matted hair) Fandom: Naruto Pairing: Saiyo / Kazuko (Healing Hands OC) Rating: T (language) Words: 1229 Notes: For @cinlat who gave me this pairing and now I'm obsessed with them

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It was either too early or too late for this shit, Kazuko couldn’t decide which. He rubbed his eyes to remove the sleep grit, but they wouldn’t focus. Belatedly, he remembered that he wore glasses and blindly fished for them on the nightstand. He felt hungover without the pleasure of drinking first. He hadn’t gotten enough sleep to be woken up by the urgent sound of his pager dancing on the nightstand.

The code didn’t tell Kazuko much beyond the fact that he was needed at the hospital. It wasn’t an emergency in the sense that everyone was being called in, though. Someone had requested him specifically and was making enough of a scene to get their way. Kazuko threw on some dress clothes since it was close enough to the start of his shift that there would be no point to come home after.

Fifteen minutes after he’d gotten the call, Kazuko made it to the hospital. The lights were lower at this time of night, but the same buzz of energy remained. He walked toward the nurse’s station to check in, but didn’t need to ask where he was needed. Growled threats echoed down the hallway, drawing Kazuko toward them. When he rounded the doorway, he found the attending doctor and two nurses arguing with a young woman.

“What’s going on in here,” Kazuko asked, keeping his voice calm in the chaos of angry voices.

An all too familiar face snapped up at the sound, and Saiyo grinned. “See? How hard was that?”

“Do you know this woman,” The on-call doctor asked, furrowing his brow as his gaze shifted between Saiyo and Kazuko with obvious confusion. At Kazuko’s sharp nod, he frowned. “Did you also know she’s a shinobi?”

“I was aware, yes.” Kazuko answered, eyeing Saiyo over the man’s shoulder.

Okabe-sensei proffered the medical file that he’d been reading. Kazuko took it and skimmed over the mostly empty page. The man tsked under his breath. “You understand that standard procedure is to refer them to the Anbu medic. We were going to page—”

“And, I told them no,” Saiyo growled, swatting at the nurse who was attempting to clean the blood off her face. “I don’t want to see her.”

“You don’t get to just pick and choose your medical care,” the remaining nurse snipped, still struggling to get a read on Saiyo’s vitals.

For a moment, Kazuko thought that Saiyo was going to stick her tongue out at the woman. He sighed. “No harm done.” The nurse made a disapproving sound under her breath, but Kazuko ignored it. “I can take things from here.”

Saiyo flashed a triumphant grin at the medical team surrounding her as Kazuko tossed his bag onto a chair and dug out his stethoscope. For a minute, he thought that Okabe would argue with him. It was still night shift, the man could tell Kazuko to leave if he wanted. With a final shake of his head, the man tucked a pen into the chest pocket of his lab coat. “Fine, she’s your problem now.”

Kazuko nodded and waited until the rest of the staff filled out to turn his gaze on Saiyo. Now that it was clear that Sakura wasn’t going to be called, the girl laid back on the bed with a sigh. Kazuko crossed the room to wash his hands, glancing over one shoulder. “He’s right, you know?”

“Blah, blah,” Saiyo mimicked, folding an arm over her eyes. “Can you get over here and give me something? My head is fucking killing me.”

Kazuko dried his hands and took in the state of the girl on the bed. Saiyo’s face was drawn and pale, blood streaking down the left side. Her hands rested on her stomach. Frowning, Kazuko lifted her shirt. The wound that he’d bandaged less then three days ago had a streak of crimson running across the gauze. He frowned. “You reopened your wound.”

“Yeah, sorry about that.” Saiyo closed her eyes, then pulled away when Kazuko’s fingers walked across her scalp. “Ouch, that hurt.”

“Lacerations tend to do that, especially somewhere sensitive like the scalp.” There were several shallow gasses hidden in the green tresses, but the blood had dried and reopened multiple times, making it difficult to tell where the wounds were. “We’re going to have to shave this.”

Saiyo peeked open one eye. “Do it and I’ll kill you.”

“If you’d stop picking bar fights for no good reason, I wouldn’t have to.” Kazuko chided and lifted a cloth to clean the worst of the blood away from the skin. He shook his head as he worked. “Whoever he is, he’s not worth it.”

Laughter slid through Saiyo’s lips, but she didn’t meet Kazuko’s gaze “You don’t know that. Some people are worth the hurt they cause.”

“Well, I may not know him, but he’s not worth getting yourself killed over.” Kazuko pulled the sodden bandage away from Saiyo’s midsection and frowned at the torn stitches. “And, that’s where this is going to lead.”

Saiyo offered a lazy smile, face relaxing as the numbing agent that Kazuko had injected took effect. “There are people worth dying for out there.”

Kazuko laid the hypodermic aside and studied the woman’s expression, wondering what the statement said about her mental state. He had no way of knowing if the words came from a twisted sense of humor or someplace darker. Kazuko dipped his head. “Sometimes you’re better off finding the person to live for.”

Silence answered the statement. When Kazuko looked up to check Saiyo’s vitals, he found the woman’s golden eyes studying him. Her lip curved into a smirk. “Is that your way of asking me out? Because, if so, it needs some work.”

Warmth rushed into Kazuko’s cheeks, half embarrassment and half discomfort. “No, that wasn’t what I meant.”

Saiyo chuckled as Kazuko finished tidying her stitches for the second time. As he started to rebandage the area, cool fingers brushed against the back of his hand. Kazuko jumped and dropped the gauze. Saiyo laughed. “So, what you’re saying is that I have to be the one doing the asking out?”

Kazuko frowned, trying to determine if the woman was making fun of him or not. Her lopsided smile suggested otherwise, but the words left him reeling. It hadn’t been that long since his last relationship failed, and that wasn’t counting the disaster with Sakura. He didn’t need more complications in his life.

“Come on, doc,” Saiyo prodded. “I can see the way you look at me.”

A hand caught Kazuko’s tie and dragged him forward. Before he could think of a convincing argument, Saiyo’s lips were on his. Colors flashed in his vision, and the stale taste of old tequila coated on his tongue. Kazuko's lower lip ached from the tug of her teeth when he pulled back. Saiyo grinned. “Tell me you didn’t enjoy that.”

Kazuko shook his head and tightened his hand into a fist to stop the tremble that rushed through it. “I think that was unprofessional. This is my place of work, not some bar to hook up in.”

Saiyo cocked her head to the side, her grin morphing into a smirk. “That wasn’t a no, though.”

Laughter rumbled through Kazuko’s chest as he snipped off the end of Saiyo’s stitches. He inclined his head. “It wasn’t a no.”