#ANOTHER coworker announced they were leaving (this time to go to grad school)

[bright-and-burning]

i am not feeling very girl boss today

[lyonfreddie]

prolonged wailing and gnashing of teeth under the cut!!!

let me just preface this by saying that i never get super personal on here anymore but i really just need to vent!!!!

i love my job mostly because i love my coworkers. i work in development/fundraising at a pretty big museum and our team of 5 is all a bunch of young professional women with Good Taste and Witty Banter. like we are all successionpilled. i would hate my job so much if i didn’t work with these people. last week, my favorite coworker announced she was moving to another city and got a job there to be with her long-distance fiancé (he got a tenure track job and obviously... cannot move lmao), and i was SO SAD because she is SO COOL and SO POISED and i want to be just like her, but i took comfort in the fact that we would still have 4/5 of our lovely team still together.

and then my boss pulls me aside first thing this morning and tells me SHE’S LEAVING TO LMFAO

like. i’m literally going to go insane. after march 16, our team of 5 will be a team of 3, and we won’t have either a leadership giving manager OR a membership manager. i print member cards and assemble renewal/new member packets once a week each week as my Big Project but before my boss leaves she’s going to teach me how to do pretty much everything she does that she hasn’t taught me yet. which is really, really nice of her, and also kind of a vote of confidence—i seriously doubt she would take another job if she wasn’t absolutely sure she was leaving her membership program in capable hands. 

my boss is the best boss i’ve ever had. she’s so organized and she knows everything about our museum’s institutional history because she was working there before it was even built. she has always given me clear instructions and honest feedback and she’s just so, so funny. she’s great. we’re practically the same person and have the same interests. and i still have so much left to learn from her. it almost feels unfair that she’s leaving, but i’m an actual adult now and i know this is the correct career move for her. she’s not even going that far. she’s going to work at another museum that is like 800 feet away from us.

but i’m still SO fucking sad. i’ve been crying on and off all day, including at work, where i had to hold it all in. the major gifts officer saw me at the printer and was like ‘you must be feeling sad, huh’ and all i could say was ‘yeah’ and she patted me on the back and i almost lost it in the middle of the office. like... GOD

it’s so embarrassing. i pride myself on being very cool and calm and collected, and the rest of my team always tells me it’s nice how i’m so calm all the time, especially when we’re running events. but i literally walked home today and then sat on the floor of my apartment and bawled for 5 straight minutes until i was out of breath. lol. i am going to be a wreck for every single bit of their farewells and it is not going to be pretty. i’m so sad. i’m so scared. what the fuck.

i’ve also just like... been On Edge for the past week or so in a way that hasn’t really manifested since grad school. my first semester of grad school was when i developed really bad anxiety that only manifested as physical symptoms—nausea, diarrhea, constipation, loss of appetite, insomnia, weird painful muscle cramps, etc. to the point where i literally thought i was on the verge of death! i’ve been reading a book about the salem witch trials and couldn’t help but notice that the “fits” described by the “afflicted” were weirdly similar to how my anxiety jumped out, save for, like, hallucinations. it’s a good book and i want to finish it but just thinking about the similarities almost gave me a panic attack one night... which is crazy. and then i woke up this morning and found out my stupid hemorrhoid is flaring up again. which, in retrospect, just seems like an omen. lmao.

if there is any silver lining to this at all, it’s that there is a possibility i may be promoted to membership manager. i’m currently at the coordinator level, but when my boss broke the news to me, she said that we’d be working with our external membership consultant (who i’ve met! she’s great.) to help keep renewal notices and regular mailings going out. presumable until i’m up to speed. i’ve been at this museum for over a year, and full-time for 7 months. they might wait a few months, until i get closer to a year as a FT employee. or they might just hire a new boss for me. i’m ok staying at the coordinator level for a little while longer; it’s nice not having to worry a TON about budgets and financial goals. but i could probably do it if pressed. and getting a big ass salary bump would be nice.

if you made it all the way to the end, thank you for being cringe with me 🤝 the reason this is here and not in my journal is because there was clearly too much to put into my journal without having my hand cramp up. i’ll be ok. i’ll get through this. but it’s gonna fucking suck 😭

[livingouttheworsttimeline]

Why am I so tired all the time?

4:30 am: youngest child wakes up after wetting the bed. change child, change bedsheets, replace drinks, turn night time music back on, convince youngest child that it is in fact still night time. Climb back into bed a 4:55.

5:00 am: eldest child comes to tell me that youngest child wants to play. I am aware, because I have heard her loudly declaring such since I left their room. Tell oldest child to go back to bed. Pray that, somehow, for the very first time, they will put themselves back to sleep. 

5:05 am: give up on hopeless prayers. Get up and take both children to the living room. Change the youngest into underwear. Log into tablets and override the “do not turn on until 6 am” setting. Wait for coffee to finish brewing.

5:23 am: extract self from underneath 2 children and a dog to pour first cup of coffee. It’s half caff, because spouse has a heart condition. Remind self that I can have several cups with impunity.

5:45 am: Eldest child is unhappy with the pre-made breakfast provided for him the night before. When asked what he would like to eat, he responds, “bacon, chinese food, or pizza.” Explain, again, that we need a variety of foods for our bodies to grow strong. Spend 15 minutes convincing him to eat $5 worth of blackberries as a compromise.

6:12 am: Finish 2nd cup of coffee, realize that eldest child’s night time pull up is overflowing with poop. Usher him to the bathroom for a bath. Feel humbled when I realize that I spent 10 years in grad school, and yet I am still reduced to wiping shit off another person. Calmly remind eldest child that he is capable of using the potty, and that I have confidence in him. 

6:30 am: Spouse awakes, complains that he slept poorly. Roll eyes and go back to drinking 3rd cup of coffee, in between being elbowed in the stomach and explaining that no, I do not know how to work the video game you just downloaded 15 seconds ago. Remind self that I am their physical and mental safe place, which is worth the literal bruises and mental stress. 

6:45 am: extract self from pile of children and dog by physically lifting each dependent off my lap. Verify that spouse is up for supervision duties, collect running clothes, and start treadmill.

6:47 am: stop treadmill because youngest child has entered the room and decided that I will not run today because it’s not fair. Remind self that arguing fairness with a 3 year old is the definition of futility. Gently remind her that I love her, she is a big girl, and she can play independently while I run. 

6:49 am: start treadmill again. Nagging calf pain seems to be back. Scale back workout, remind self that value of the run is not the distance. Do extra core workout to compensate.

7:30 am: shower. Mediate 2 sibling fights from shower. Fortunately, children are camped out in the bathroom with me, so I don’t have to leave a trail of water through the house to interact.

7:35 am: Marvel at the thought that spouse takes a 45 min shower. EVERY DAY. Note gratitude that I am working from home, and no longer have to style hair and makeup. 

7:36 am: Refill kid drink cups for the 3rd time today. Spend 30 minutes convincing, cajoling, and bribing kids to put on clean underwear. We no longer try for clothes. 

8:06 am: turn on work computer. Respond to a weekend full of emails. Handle 5 pressing tasks for side hustle, reasoning that if I get them out of the way, I can push the rest of that to do list to after working hours.

8:45 am: Answer persistent pounding on locked office door. refill drinks and provide snack. Reassure youngest child that mommy is still here, but she needs to work. 

9:03 am: debate whether going to the bathroom is worth leaving the office and the begging that ensues. Make wrong choice either way. 

9:15 am: morning meetings get shuffled later, because childless coworkers “are running late this morning.” Marvel at the concept of 9:15 am being early.

9:30 am: solid wall of meetings until noon. Update team on status at end of last week, despite not remembering what you just ate for breakfast. Realize that you haven’t eaten breakfast. Run training and introduction for new team member. You are the only woman on the team,  so you get do the training because “you’re so good at explaining things.” 

12:00 pm: Call youngest child’s preschool, make sure you can bring by her supplies and still adhere to Covid protocols. Preschool is also side hustle, so cram a parent and employee meeting into a single hour. Explain that new registration system will, in fact, be more efficient than old paper system. Remind preschool staff that we committed to going paperless. Make small talk with preschool teachers until the hour is up. Hop in the car and speed home.

1:00 pm: children adhere to my side the second I walk in the door. Spouse is in the shower. Children have eaten approximately 3 bites of their pb&j sandwiches, and demand different lunch. Remember that you have not eaten lunch yet. Refill drinks for 4th time, provide reasonable lunch alternatives. 

1:25 pm: Remember that you scheduled a meeting for 1:30, and. you need to be present. Calculate that extraction from children is not possible in 5 minutes, and take meeting with youngest child on lap. Despite having weaned 1.5 years ago, youngest child decides that you’re still nursing, and pulls down top on video call. Spend most of call switching on and off mute. Catch every 3rd word. 

1:45 pm: apologize to team, promise to reschedule a follow up with more focus. Hang up, extract youngest child’s arm from shirt. Refill drinks for the 5th time. Bribe children to get in bed for a nap with the promise of a visit to nana and pop this afternoon. 

1:48 pm: children’s beds have been stripped, due to accidents last night, but spouse “doesn’t know where the clean sheets are”, and so hasn’t remade beds. Children petition to nap on the floor. Explain floor is not comfortable. Find clean sheets, make 2 beds, take everyone to the potty, tuck both children in. 

2:20 pm: Realize that you have 40 minutes of actual work time left today, outside of meetings. Try to prioritize, with the knowledge that whatever you get done will not be enough. Deny request for drink refill.

3:00 pm: kick off afternoon meeting block. Try frantically to make the 40 minutes that you did get to work sound like a whole lot more. Wake children up during bathroom break so that they’ll be able to sleep tonight. Refill drinks for 5th time. 

3:45 pm: Curse the fact that youngest child has inherited your distaste for waking up. Gently coax her awake in between meetings.

4:00 pm: Wrap up last task from meetings, make list of all new tasks. Realize that today you have checked off one task, and received 7 new ones. Promise self that you’ll get your work laptop back out after the kids are in bed. Ignore the sense of despair that threatens to overtake you.

4:20 pm: Bribe children into putting on clothes with promise of fruit snacks at grandparent’s house. Feel mildly guilty as you put on your second round of workout gear. Load children in double jogging stroller, jog to grandparent’s house. 

5:00 pm: collect children to head home for dinner. 

5:10 pm: threaten no more fruit snacks if children don’t put on their shoes. Grandparents go get them more fruit snacks. 

5:23 pm: explain that the sun is going down in 24 minutes, and that we have to leave now to get home before it gets dark. Remember that time is immaterial. Wish for that blissful sense of ignorance.

5:37 pm: push 100 lbs of toddler and stroller up giant, hilly driveway. Spouse greets us with “what’s for dinner?” Politely remind him that he promised to plan and make dinner while we were gone. Grit teeth at his “I didn’t know what to make” response. Quickly run through available, easy, acceptable options and make dinner.

6:15 pm: serve dinner. Eat own dinner in 2.5 minutes, then spend rest of meal refilling drinks and plates, heating up or cooling down, and cajoling children to eat anything at all.

6:45 pm: Announce that tonight we don’t need to take a bath. Youngest child immediately melts down, because she wanted to take a bath. Eldest child melts down because, even thought he didn’t want to take a bath, he wanted to taunt his sister while she was in the bath. 

6:53 pm: Loose temper for 1st time today, scream that children need to brush their teeth. Step away to calm down. Spouse gets upset because “You can’t handle the children without yelling.” Bite tongue all the way through to avoid snarky reply.

7:10 pm: read 2 story books. Read one more. Explain again, that mommy cannot read anymore, and daddy will come read for a little while. Extract self from pile of children, and tuck both in. Hugs, kisses, and fist bumps. Twice. Then once more, after you’ve left the room.

7:15 pm: contemplate second shower. Decide that you didn’t really get that sweaty on the walk, and it’s not like you’re going out. Collapse on sofa with phone and mindless tv.

7:25 pm: spouse comes into the living room after harrowing duty of reading for 10 minutes. Hand over the remote, pull out side hustle lap top and finalize tasks for the day.

8:30 pm: remember that you promised to do main job work. Bring out that laptop to run some code while you continue side hustle work.

9:15 pm: Finish side hustle work, give up on main job work for the evening. Mentally apologize to team for not making more progress, promise to self that you’ll be more focused tomorrow.

9:30 pm: tell spouse that you need to go to bed. Endure his eye roll and disappointed face. Apologize for needing to go to sleep so early, and reassure him that you’re doing the best you can.

10:15 pm: eldest child has night terror. Comfort eldest child until he’s calm. Comfort youngest child, who is upset at brother’s screams. Realize that spouse is still watching tv in the living room while you comfort children. 

11:00 pm: listen to youngest child cry for 10 minutes until spouse begrudgingly tends to her. Remind self that it is not solely my job to comfort our children. Try to go back to sleep. 

3 am: eldest child wakes up with question about mushrooms that is vitally important. Answer to best of middle-of-the-night ability, acknowledge that you appreciate his curiosity, but that there are times when questions are not appropriate. Get him back to sleep.

4:30 am: youngest child wakes up.

[lyssala]

Day 9  – Plot of Your Favorite Movie

Pairings: Terra & Aqua, Kingdom Hearts

Setting: Modern AU where Terra and Aqua are coworkers who do not get along, but unbeknownst to them, they are actually wonderful friends

Rating: K+

Words: 15377

Notes: Another fic I have wanted to do for ages! Its based off of You've Got Mail and the musical She Loves Me (both of which are based on the same source material). I've always loved the setup for these works and have always wanted to try my hand at doing an au with a similar setup. Also! Its a Christmas fic so Happy Holidays my friends!! (also in case you know/listen to the music, Vanilla Ice Cream was my signature audition song and it has such a special place in my heart, which is why the title is not Christmas related at all LOL)

As always a HUGE thanks to @mimiplaysgames who helped me edit this fic while she was on vacation. She really helped me cultivate the right tone for this fic (because its another sorta rival feelings one) and I can just NEVER thank her enough. She's amazing and SHE JUST UPDATED A FIC YESTERDAY so you all should go read it immediately <3

AO3

He Came to Offer Me Vanilla Ice Cream

Inspired By: Three Letters, Vanilla Ice Cream, She Loves Me (She Loves Me, 2016 Revival Cast)

Dear OftheShire,

I’m so sorry to hear you have to work so much over the holidays. I understand the feelings all too well, unfortunately. My saving grace is that I at least don’t get sick of listening to Christmas music! Customers, yes, absolutely, but hearing All I Want for Christmas for the tenth time on one shift keeps me going strong. I even sing along to the horror of my coworkers. I do love the holidays, and the high consumerism the holiday has turned into can’t take that away from me.

The weather, the music, the smells, the feeling of it just reminds me of being a little girl, hanging up my stocking and double checking the cookies I left out for Santa. I would be so ecstatic when there would be chunks missing in the cookies in the morning that I’d completely miss the crumbs in my dad’s beard! Did you believe in Santa too? (Also totally sorry to be the bearer of bad news if you still believed in Santa D: ) Some people find it cruel to let their kids believe only to then tell them it was a lie, but I have so many fond memories of trying to look for Santa on Christmas Eve and my mom playing along that she saw reindeer in the distance that I never found it cruel. If I ever have children, I think I’d like to share that with them too.

My parents live back in my home state, which, believe it or not, gets even colder than where I live now! I grew up really far north, which is wonderful in every other seasons but winter. Even growing up there can’t get me used to the cold and the snow. They’re actually coming to visit me for the first time since I started Grad school out here for Christmas! I can’t wait to see them. Are you close with your family?

Congratulations on being able to graduate next semester yourself! I still have a ways to go but the fact you’re already almost done gives me hope I can survive myself. What did you say you studied again? It’s on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t seem to recall. That’s probably because I haven’t had my coffee yet, believe me that’s my first stop before class :P

I probably should get on that or I’m going to be late, another long day means multiple cups of coffee (and maybe a few cinnamon rolls).

--

The store was thankfully busy. Not so much for Terra who had to pay much more at attention than usual, but for the store itself. Sure they were the only bookstore in the mall, which helped significantly but at the same time they were independently owned and needed the revenue to keep the doors open.

He looked down the aisle he was standing nearby quickly and had to dodge a few younger kids running to the back of the store where the children’s books were.  One of their hands reached out to pull at one of the books but his friend shoved him to keep moving, making the book launch towards the floor. Terra reached out to grab it, placing it carefully back where it was supposed to go. Granted, judging by the complete disarray of every other shelf it really didn’t matter.

The moment he cleaned this aisle, it was a disaster again. He’d have to leave it for the afternoon when they’d be a little slower; the thought alone made him roll his eyes. That would thrill the afternoon shift lead he was sure.

Terra pulled his phone from his apron pocket, glancing at the clock. She’d be here in about an hour, but that also meant he got to leave soon which was more than enough to get him through the rest of his shift. He knew he should put his phone back in his pocket as he was on the floor; even if he was the lead he didn’t like to do things he didn’t let the kids do. Still he couldn’t resist peeking at his email.

Nothing.

He quickly opened the app just to see if he didn’t get a notification but there were no new messages there either.

“Terra!” a voice crackled so loudly in his hear he almost both dropped his phone and ripped the headpiece from his ear. “Terra, can you hear me?”

He reached up to grab the button hanging on the wire of his headset. “Yes, Sora, for the thousandth time, I can always hear you when you speak at a normal volume.”

“Sorry,” Sora’s voice was sheepish but Terra could practically see the smile on the younger boy’s lips. “I have a return. I got everything set up but I need your approval.”

“I’ll be right there.”

“Excuse me, sir?” another voice said nearby but judging by the fact she wasn’t shouting his name it wasn’t one of his employees. “I was looking for something to get my grandson, but I’m unsure what to look for.”

When did this aisle get so full of people? Was the whole store full up again? Had an hour and a half gone by yet?

Terra leaned back hoping to catch the nearest employee he could see who wasn’t on register. Silver hair and blue eyes looked back at him, putting some books back. Terra gestured for him to come over.

“Ma’am, I’m going to have Riku help you find everything you need as I have to assist at the front, is that okay?”

The woman looked a little disgruntled at first but seemed to lighten up when Riku actually stepped into the aisle. “Yes, that’ll be fine. Come with me, young man.”

“I’m sorry,” Terra mouthed when Riku gave a wince but Terra had to keep moving to go finish out the return for Sora before he started yelling in Terra’s ear again. He probably wouldn’t even let Sora use it if he wasn’t always on registers; he was personable and quick, easy to strike a conversation and get the job done.

“Terra,” Sora said again, though this time in an exaggerated whisper. “They’re getting mad.”

Of course they were, everyone was so much more impatient as soon as the Christmas trees go up. He honestly felt that way sometimes too, but the words from his friend’s last message rang in his head. She sounded like she loved Christmas so much, and everything that went into it. For some reason it made him smile at her childlike glow even though all he knew was her typed words and nothing more. She just oozed passion in every message he got from her.

He tried not to think about it too much but it was hard not to; especially when he looked forward to what she was going to say to him next; what he would say to her helped him through these longs days. Terra knew he didn’t quite have a connection with every single person he met, so he was astounded to find that easy communication with her, even though they really never met. No name, no personal identification information, no pictures, just their messages back and forth. Still, it was something special to him.

Terra moved to step behind the register Sora was standing behind; he looked visibly relieved.

“Sorry, about that, Ma’am,” Terra said with a smile, as he leaned in to punch in his code that would let the return go through. He trusted Sora enough to do it right so there was no need to look over it. “You’re good to finish.”

“Thanks,” Sora said, moving back to go about the rest of the transaction as quick as his fingers would allow.

Terra moved to grab some of the books on the back counter that were probably other returns or go backs but really he just wanted to look over the store. There was a small line but with Sora on one and Xion on the other they’d handle registers just fine. Terra glanced around the store, scanning over the other employees scattered around working; if only to make sure everyone was actually working.

There was one missing, and usually it was hard to miss such red hair anywhere. Figures Lea was late. Terra would give Lea a little longer before he called. For the time being he went to place the books back and help on the floor. He had been working here since high school, he knew how to handle both the product and the people, even if he didn’t always characterize himself as a people person. He could still smile and help; though he usually found a lot of people went to the kids to ask for help instead. He apparently looked too intimidating to work at a bookstore.

In the very least, the busy days meant time went by faster. It also made him forget to keep looking at his phone to see if it went off at all. In fact before he knew it, he was turning to stand face to face with the afternoon lead.

“Jesus,” he grunted, taking a step back from her. “Do you have to sneak up on me?”

Aqua was shorter than him, but she was plenty loud; if she wanted to announce her presence she would’ve. Currently, she looked very disinterested in the fact she had to talk to him. Even still, her blue eyes were bright under the store lighting a small smile in the corner of her lips. He knew it absolutely didn’t have to do with him, and probably everything to do with that Christmas spirit she loved so much.

She rolled her eyes. “It’s not my fault you were off in your own head like always.”

He decided to ignore that, however, it was hard to ignore that Aqua was the only one who could look pretty under terrible mall lighting. He placed another book on the shelf in front of him. Terra may not get along with her but it wasn’t like he was blind. He knew the way her eyes crinkled when she smiled and how the shade of her eyes was so unique it was almost like the color of the ocean…not that he would admit that to her or anyone for that matter.

“Did you leave a list of what was done today and what still has to be done?”

“Always do,” he grunted, grabbing another book off the ground to put back.

She clicked her tongue, looking around the area. “This place looks like a mess.”

“Oh, did Scrooge happen to forget it’s only a few weeks before Christmas?”

“Cute, Terra, but you’re the one who hasn’t worn a single Christmas color to work, not me.”

He glanced over to her and sure enough she was wearing not only a red dress but green leggings and even a Santa hat over her blue hair. “Remember what I wear every day, do you?”

“Only your lack of any holiday spirit what so ever.” She reached over to push in a book on the bookshelf near his hand, because, clearly, only she could clean the store correctly.

A twinge of annoyance went down his spine. “Maybe if I didn’t have to listen to you nag at me every day I’d feel more festive.”

“I only nag you because if I didn’t, you’d day dream through the whole shift.”

Well, sort of fair; Terra knew he had a tendency to zone out at times but he wasn’t about to admit that to her. Thankfully, Lea chose that moment to scurry in behind the register, nudging Riku out of the way so he could log in and sneak in the back room. To Lea’s credit he almost had it, and Terra probably would’ve let it slide just because Lea was usually pretty creative when it came to excuses as to being late.

“Nice of you to join us, Lea,” Aqua said without turning her head to him as he snuck behind a bookshelf. “An hour late.”

“Yeah, you know, about that-”

“Go get ready for the shift, don’t worry I have a job for you.”

Lea grumbled something but slouched away probably to the back room.

“See you guys!” Sora waved as he headed out with Roxas and Xion both zipping up their jackets.

“See you,” Terra said, raising a hand to wave.

“See you tomorrow, Aqua,” Xion said, turning to wave goodbye herself.

“It’ll be fun,” Aqua smiled back at the kids who were hurrying to the front.

Terra must’ve scoffed too loud because she was looking back over at him. “Does that mean I’m done? Can I go home now?”

Kairi was already logging in on the register with Olette tying her apron around her back. It was still a little busy but they should be okay. Not that Terra was going to offer to stay to work with Aqua; she was such a control freak it was impossible to work with her.

“As long as you left me the list,” she said, walking away from him.

“I hope it’s up to your impeccable standards.”

Aqua wasn’t looking at him at all, not even a glance; she just continued to where the girls were probably going for the list he really did leave for her and to divvy up the jobs for the night.

“Yikes, dude.”

Terra nearly jumped at the sound of the voice right behind him. He turned his head to see way too familiar blond hair and blue eyes, and a toothy grin that told Terra not to trust whatever the next words were going to be.

“You’re really terrible at flirting.”

“Ventus,” Terra sighed, placing the last book in his arms on the correct shelf. “That was not even remotely what was going on. Not even a little bit.”

“Yeah, cause you got that mystery girl right?”

“I don’t…I don’t have anyone, okay.” Though Terra was tempted to pull out his phone to check to see if he had any new messages from the very person Ven was implying but that would only prove his little brother correct, and Terra didn’t need that right now. He did hope she had said something back though. “She’s just a nice person I talk to. Aqua on the other hand, I think we’d murder each other if we had to be in the same space for too long.”

“Whatever,” Ven snorted. “Are you done? I’m starving.”  

Terra glanced back up to the counter; Riku was ringing out someone as Lea was rushing up, hastily tying his apron. Aqua went over the plan with the girls but Terra couldn’t hear a thing. It would probably be strict down to the letter of what they’d have to do knowing Aqua. Ah well, it wasn’t his shift anymore anyways. “Yeah, let me get my things.”

--

Dear Bytheseaside,

I cannot believe there is a person on this planet that actually doesn’t get sick of that song. I’m pretty sure I’ve been sick of it for at least an eternity now. I guess that’s a testament to you though, patient through and through. I appreciate the holidays as well though I wish I didn’t have to work mostly through them all and I’m sorry to hear so do you. Granted I would like to see you singing along to the songs as you worked, I hope there’s dancing too, possibly a hair brush microphone? I’d assume go all out when it comes to Mariah Carey.

I’m so greatly offended that you could ever say that Santa Claus is not real. How could you think that me, a twenty-six year old male, would ever believe anything but that a man went to every house in the world one night on flying reindeer? To answer your question, yes, I did as a kid, so did my younger brother. Before you ask, no I didn’t tell him until he was old enough. He was an innocent kid, very naïve, very trusting, it actually sort of made me want to believe again just by having him believe it so much. I say that because he’s a pain in my ass now. It was fun though, I used to make cookies with him, leave out the milk, write Santa on some gift tags. Now he just makes cookies for himself. Sorry, Santa.

If that didn’t answer your question, I am close to my family though it’s just my brother, me and my dad. We all still live in the same place we grew up in so no drastic change like you had. I even go to grad school in the same town, I’m fairly boring honestly. I’ve traveled quite a lot for vacations since my dad and brother love to travel but otherwise we just stay put in our little town where it snows in the winter but I don’t think it’s too cold. That’s exciting you’ll get to visit with your parents soon! I honestly don’t think I could live that far away from mine, so you have all my respect that you just up and left to go study where you wanted to.

Oh, hey, thanks! It’s still a little surreal honestly. I never thought I’d ever see the end of school, especially at Midwestern where I go. I not only live in the town, but I went to undergrad there too. I’ve seen its buildings enough for my taste. Oh, it’s no worries, I have the joyful career of becoming an English teacher, aren’t you thrilled for me? I thankfully have experience working with high schoolers and they sometimes find me intimidating so I’m hoping that will carry over when I tell them they have to read The Scarlet Letter.

Okay, knowing you, there’s probably enough sugar in any given cup of coffee. I have no idea how you could stand cinnamon rolls on top of that too, but I guess I’m not surprised either. You could rival my brother’s love for sugar. Please don’t end up in a sugar coma before you even get to class :P

--

Aqua hummed as she hung up her jacket in the employee room. It was some mash up of Jingle Bells and Santa Claus is Coming to Town but she couldn’t help it. Christmas was so close now, her family would be visiting and everything just oozed with holiday cheer; especially the bells she clipped into her hair for today’s outfit. Even though she was stuck at work all night she felt warm and light, like nothing could quite get under her skin; she sure hoped it stayed the case considering the closer to Christmas, the ruder customers got. Oh well, she’d meet it with a smile, it was the only way to get through the day.

She tied her apron behind her back, slipping her phone in the front pocket (though not without checking her messages first, though so far it was as empty as it was when she left for work). It was okay, he worked a lot too and always was in school; he was probably as busy as she was. The fact he even made time for a few messages was still enough to keep her good mood up.

Aqua kept humming, glancing up at the written schedule on the board to see who she was working with tonight. Everyone had different strengths so she liked to place jobs with people who would excel at them, and it would make their time go by a little faster when they weren’t forced to do something they hated. It was pretty typical; Kairi, Lea, the twins, Xion, Riku, and….no, wait, that had to be a mistake. She reached up to trace the dates, bringing her finger down to make sure she was reading it right.

The door opened making her turn her head, but the person shuffling into the room only confirmed she was reading the schedule correctly. “Terra?”

“In the flesh,” he snorted, but his back was to her as he was shrugging off his jacket; his way-too-light jacket for this weather, what was wrong with that man?

“Is this a mistake?”

“Wish it was,” he said, reaching for his apron to drop over his head. “I’d much rather be home.”

Aqua pressed her lips together, looking back at the schedule. Well, it was only two weeks till Christmas, she supposed she could understand why they may want to schedule two leads but at the same time, did it have to be him?

She didn’t hate Terra. He was a nice guy, quiet and he was very patient with customers and the kids who worked here; in fact she was pretty sure he had more patience in one fraction of his body than she possessed all together. At the same time though, he was so laid back he let things slide far too much which drove her crazy. She could deal with it when it was just in passing, when he told her what was done all morning so she knew what to fix all night, but working a whole shift together?

She looked up at the future days she was scheduled and had to bite back a groan. For everyday she was scheduled until Christmas they were working together? Okay, she was coming in tomorrow morning to talk to someone about this or she’d likely not make it till Christmas.

“Okay,” she said, turning around to face Terra. He wasn’t looking at her, but down at his phone, scrolling through something. “I assume neither of us care for this arraignment?”

“Fair assessment,” he said, still not looking up.

“Then let’s split up the store. I’ll handle the front half and you handle the back half. Registers will be neutral.”

“What is this?” Terra did look up that time, arching an eyebrow at her. “A war meeting?”

“It’s retail in Christmas, of course it’s a war meeting.”

Much to her surprise he actually smiled at her. Well, he also rolled his eyes and shook his head but still. Terra dropped his phone in his apron pocket, before grabbing a headset to put in is ear, clipping the radio into his back pocket as he walked back over to the door. “Fine, should I lay down a boundary line to make sure no one crosses it?”

“Of course, I’ll give you money to buy the duct tape.”

“I have a brother, believe me, I know how to handle boundary lines.” Terra went to push the door open but it swung open on itself.

“No one can say anything,” Lea said as he walked in, pointing to the both of them. “I’m on time today.”

“Christmas miracles,” Terra said, reaching out to push at Lea’s head before Terra caught the door open, leaving without another word.

“Good, because if you were late one more time I was going to put you on register the whole night just because I know how much you love it,” Aqua said, watching as Lea shrugged out of his long jacket.

“Wait,” he arched an eyebrow as he looked back at her. “Are you and Terra both working tonight?”

“Ah, yeah, seems like the boss wants more hands at night.”

Lea got this grin on his lips, devilish almost, not that the flaming red hair helped. “Oh, this is going to be a grand night.”

Aqua decided not to ask what he meant by that and moved to grab a headset and radio before leaving the room to head to the floor; there at least she could assign the other workers their jobs. She hoped everything went quickly and smoothly. She really wasn’t in the mood to bicker with Terra all night.

Thankfully, he seemed to feel the same.

For the most part it was easy to help customers at the front of the store, keeping an eye on the registers, straightening and restocking when she could. The customer volume was absolutely going up every day so she could understand why there were two leads on the floor but that didn’t mean she was completely happy about it. Though to his credit Terra stayed to the back of the store and helped any customers she sent that way. She knew he’d prefer to be back there as opposed to the front where she got the brunt of the social force.

“Permission to step across the boundary, your highness?”

She looked up from straightening some self-help books to see Terra with both his hands up in defense. “Depends, what’s your business?”

“I would very much like to leave the store to get dinner.”

Was it that time already? Aqua glanced over to the registers where Sora and Xion were busy ringing out. Roxas was probably still in the kid’s section fixing the display she asked him to adjust, Riku was upfront helping someone with the new releases, and while Aqua couldn’t see Lea or Kairi they were probably wandering around somewhere.

“I’ll even throw the incentive to check the back of the store to make sure my standards are as high as yours.” He was watching her but his hands were in the front of his apron, probably fiddling with his phone or something.

“Why do you think we’re so busy?” she asked, pushing another book back into place. “High standards.”

“Oh, yeah, nothing to do with the fact we’re the only book store in the nearest 50 mile radius,” he snorted.

Okay, fair point; not that she was going to tell him that. “Yes, you can go, just tell me when you’re finished so I can take mine too.”

“Oh, she takes breaks does she?”

“Don’t be such an ass,” she said, but admittedly was choking back a small laugh. Aqua would just toss that up to the fact she was still in plenty of a good mood. “Just go.”

“Whatever you say, princess.” Terra gave a vague sort of wave as he walked towards the front of the store until he was completely out of sight.

“Do you even think they know?” Lea’s voice said from nearby, but Aqua didn’t pay too much attention to it, she just went back to fixing the shelves she was working on.

“Oh, God, no,” Kairi giggled. “They would never flirt with each other as much as they do if they knew they were doing it.”

Aqua did turn to look that time, which was the only reason she knew they were talking about her; considering both Lea and Kairi were peering around the end of the bookshelves in that row watching her with near matching shit-eating grins on their lips. Aqua had to ignore the heat that rose to her face that the insane implication she would ever flirt with Terra, or vice versa for that matter. That was absurd. You didn’t flirt with people you could barely be in the same room with.

“No way,” she said pointing towards them. “How many times have I told you both, you aren’t allowed to work near each other. All you do is talk and gossip. Lea, go make sure kids haven’t bombarded Roxas in the children’s section, then go make sure everyone has been helped. Kairi, please start on the other end of this row with me.”

“Aye, aye, captain,” Lea said, vanishing behind the shelves.

Kairi was still giggling but she started straightening the books like she was asked. Aqua wanted to ask the younger girl how they got it in their heads that either Terra or herself would ever consider flirting with each other, but at the same time she didn’t want to open that door. Ever.

Aqua’s phone buzzed and her heart leapt up to her throat. She really knew she couldn’t look, and she shouldn’t look, it set a bad example; she wasn’t always as disciplined as she looked though. She pushed her apron pocket open, peeking down at the bright screen with her heart pounding in her chest. It promptly sunk into her stomach when she saw it was just an email telling her about some sale.

“Message from the mystery man?”

Aqua’s head snapped up to see Kairi still looking at the books as she worked on, making them look neat again. It wasn’t a terrible surprise as Kairi tended to work afternoon shifts with Aqua, and she may have mentioned she was talking to someone a few times. “Ah, no, not this time.”

“Do you know his name yet?”

“No, but that’s okay,” Aqua said, taking a small breath before going back to her job.

“Aren’t you worried he’s like sixty years old or something? Or like a murderer?”

“I’m not saying everyone you meet on the internet is good,” Aqua said. “But when you talk to someone enough, you just sort of…know them. I don’t know, I may not know his name or what he looks like but he’s sweet.” She paused. “And he said he was twenty-six so he’s only a little bit older than me.”

“Do you feel like you know him already then?” Kairi asked. She wasn’t teasing this time, genuinely curious.

“Sort of,” Aqua said, a smile pulling at her lips at just the thought of their conversations. “He’s very kind, and articulate. He’s said once or twice people find him intimidating but to me he just seems so gentle, you know? Especially when he talks about his little brother. I know what he likes to do for fun, favorite foods, movies, what he wants to do for a living, and ah…”

“What?”

Aqua paused for a moment, feeling a small bundle of nerves in her stomach again. He mentioned it so briefly in his last message and she had been torn over what to do about it ever since…if she even wanted to do something about it. “He sorta mentioned where he went to college.”

“Was it bad? Oh wait, was it good? Like Ivy League good?”

“No, well, I mean good but…it’s where I go to school.”

Kairi nearly dropped the book she was holding. “Wait, you guys go to the same school and don’t even know it?”

Aqua nodded; it had been about her same reaction when she read that one sentence. He probably didn’t even mean to say since up till then, they never gave away and facts that led onto where they lived.

“You could know him in real life and not even know it.”

“I think I’d know it,” she rolled her eyes. Aqua may not know him at sight, but she was pretty sure from having a conversation with him that she’d be able to tell how he talked, how he presented himself. She still paused, looking over to Kairi. “Should I ask him to meet? Like on campus or something? Would that be too much?”

“I mean, I don’t think it would be too much,” Kairi shrugged. “People meet online all the time these days. It just depends on how comfortable you feel about it or if you like the mystery more than the man.”

Aqua knew the answer to that question. She’d love to meet him, to sit across the table from him over some warm coffee, to see if how she pictured his voice was really how it was, to hear his laugh, see his smile. The thoughts alone made her stomach flip anxiously. What if he wasn’t anything like how she pictured? Would it make a difference?

“I think I would…” Aqua started. “Meet him that is.”

“Then ask him,” Kairi said, standing up on her toes to get a book on the top shelf. “Worst he could say is no and then you’re no worse off than you are now.”

That was a good point. Aqua squatted down towards the floor to fix a few books. Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad thing to ask. Maybe he’d like it too. Maybe he wouldn’t but then they could still talk just like they have been. She thought about meeting him so many times before now, ever since she sent that first message a few months ago.

She liked him, more than she cared to admit to anyone but herself. It was silly maybe, but he always brought a smile to her face, that had to be worth something. It had to be worth a risk.

--

Dear OftheShire,

Of course there’s dancing, geez, boy, do you even know me?? Not a hairbrush, no, but absolutely any candy cane shaped object I can find. It’s been described as both a wonder and a hot mess so I take that with very high regard. If you ever wander into where I work I’ll be sure to show you, and probably embarrass you and myself so much you’ll never want to be seen in public with me lmao

That’s right! I forgot you mentioned your little brother before. Well, you sound like a great big brother to play along with the façade, even just for his sake. I don’t have any siblings myself so I never got to share the joy of having to share my room or bathroom with anyone. He seems very sweet, even if you insist he’s a pain in your ass (ps I can totally tell you love him, don’t play so cool :P ) Plus he sounds like he likes sweets as much as me so I can get behind that!

It’s so sweet you’re so close to your family too! So much that you don’t consider leaving them, that tells me a lot about you and how much they must love you too :D Okay, wait, how have we been talking so much and you never told me you traveled! I haven’t gotten to do so very much but I’ve always wanted to. Are we talking like “oh, hey, I just get around the country every so often” or “I’m a damn world traveler and have eaten things you’d never dreamed of and can speak five languages on command”? I mean both are cool, but I need to know which one it is.

Savor it, my friend! Especially as a teacher, cause, hate to break it to you but technically you’re going to be in school for a very long time. High school too? Wow, you’re a brave man! See, you keep saying people find you intimidating, but, like, to me you seem so mellow and gentle? Is it something about you physically? Are you like a seven foot football player or wrestler or something? Also, excuse you, don’t judge my sugar intake, I’m perfectly capable of not dying from sugar intake, :P (More reasons why I love your brother already too)

Hey, so, weird thing. I sort of go to Midwestern too. Small world right! I can’t believe we’ve been talking for so long and we could be in the same class. How weird is that? I was wondering if maybe you wanted to meet for coffee on campus or something? At that little café in the library? Like this Thursday? Please don’t feel like you have to! But I thought it might be nice to actually see each other in person since we happened to actually live in the same town. I can like wear bells in my hair and have a copy of The Hobbit since I know that was your favorite book as a kid so you know it’s me. Just let me know!

--

“I don’t know why I had to come with you,” Ven said as he walked down the sidewalk next to Terra. That statement, of course, was accompanied by Ven’s big grin, meaning he was highly amused that his older brother asked him to come with him to a possible, maybe, sort of, kind of date.

Was it? Terra had no idea, but he’d never claim to be good at picking up on things like that. All he knew was he stared at her message for a lot longer than he should’ve, even stunned that someone as nice as her would actually want to see him in person. It was easy to agree then, to feel excited to finally meet the person behind the words but now that he was walking towards the campus library, the bright lights from the building looming over him, all he felt like was throwing up.

“Even if she was a murderer I’m pretty sure you could take her,” Ven continued.

“I don’t think she’s a murderer,” Terra snorted, shoving his hands in his jacket pockets. “Or even a threat.”

“I hate to break it to you, Ter, but you aren’t always the best judge of character.”

That was…fair. “Can’t you be good, quiet moral support?”

Ven clicked his tongue looking up to the building. “If you wanted quiet support you probably should’ve brought like Riku from your work or something. I’m your brother, I’m legally entitled to give you a hard time.”

“I don’t think that’s true. If me and dad both die then you’re legally entitled to my things I guess.”

Ven whistled. “Books, books, and more books I’m so thrilled.”

Terra reached out to shove at Ven’s head, making the younger boy laugh. It was why Terra bought Ven in the first place; if anyone could make Terra not get wrapped up too much in his own thoughts, it was Ven.

“There it is,” he said, pointing to a particularly well illuminated section of the library. It was easy to see through the large windows where students were in line to get a late night caffeine fix or snacks; it was fairly late, he had to wait till he was off work to even come since Aqua already requested the night off and someone had to be there.

“Don’t look so nervous.” Ven nudged Terra’s shoulder. “She already likes you enough to talk to you all the time, this is just without a screen in between. No big deal.” Ven reached for the door handle, but Terra pulled Ven away from it.

“God, what?” he asked, arching an eyebrow up.

Terra knew he was acting sort of childish but he couldn’t help but feel the nerves in his stomach reaching up through his chest. “What if she isn’t even there?”

Ven paused for a second before grabbing a hold of Terra’s arm, dragging him over to one of the side windows. Ven leaned up close to the glass leaving Terra out of view so that way Ven would be the one seen if anyone looked over. “Okay, what did she say she was wearing again?”

He was a good brother. “Ah, she said she’d have bells in her hair, and a book, The Hobbit.”

“You guys are such nerds,” Ven snorted. “Alright, alright, let me…see…” He let out a low whistle that made Terra look up.

“Wait, what? Is that good or bad?”

“I dunno, man, she doesn’t really look your type but she does look like mine, maybe I should go in instead of you.”

It took Terra a moment with his heart nearly in his throat to realize Ven was teasing. “You’re a shit, will you tell me the truth?”

“Okay, okay, calm down,” Ven laughed, looking back into the café. “Alright so, bells in the hair is kind of common around Christmas, but the book would be an easier…way…to tell, ummm…Oh!”

“What? Do you see her?” Terra asked, nearly going up behind Ven to see too.

Ven was quiet for a second, and he wasn’t teasing anymore which didn’t bode well. “Ah, well, she’s your type for sure, but you’re probably not going to like it.”

Terra had no idea what that was supposed to mean. He quickly slipped in next to Ven who nodded over to a table off to the side of the café. Terra saw the book first, fingers tapping on the cover, anxiously, impatiently maybe. Maybe he should’ve known before he even looked at her face, the familiar shade of blue hair, eyes he already knew glancing over at the door when it opened. Hell, he even knew the bells she was wearing in her hair.

He quickly turned around, leaning his back against the window instead. This couldn’t be…it was a joke right? The girl, the kind, funny, compassionate girl he had been talking to for months it…couldn’t be Aqua, could it?

It had to be. He didn’t tell anyone but Ven, who may tease Terra sure but would never do anything cruel to him. Maybe the girl had said something to someone else? Like she was nervous to meet him too so she said something to a friend who offered to wait for her, that friend unknowingly being Aqua.

Terra turned his head to look back in the room to see if anything could confirm that theory. It didn’t though, not when he saw the hope flicker in her eyes every time someone walked in, anytime someone got too close to her table for it to fade away, her fingers still tapping anxiously at book cover.

It was her; there was no one else it could be. How could it be her? The girl he talked to was nothing like the Aqua he was forced to work with.

“Terra,” Ven said, like he was very much doubting that Terra was going to move. “You have to go in there, you know that right?”

“I can’t,” he groaned, leaning his head back against the glass. “If she knows it’s me she’ll just be mad and she’ll never talk to me again.”

“So you’re going to leave a person, that I know you’ve been trying to hide how much you like, just waiting for you cause you found out you really do know them?”

“That’s the problem. I do know her and now I feel like I know two completely different people sharing the same body.”

Ven arched an eyebrow. “Do you though?”

“Do I what?”

“Do you know her? Maybe the girl online is really how she is and you never gave her the chance to be that way around you.”

Terra didn’t like that Ven was making sense. He was barely graduated from high school; it shouldn’t be possible for him to make assumptions like that. “It doesn’t change the fact that if she sees me, she’s going to make me leave. I can guarantee you I’m not the person she wants to see.”

“So what, you’re just going to stand her up? I’m sure she was looking forward to this as much as you were and she’ll leave here wondering why her friend didn’t want to meet her.”

Ven was laying on the guilt there but it was working. Terra didn’t always get along with Aqua but he didn’t hate her, and he really didn’t hate the girl he talked to on the internet; he wouldn’t want either of them to feel stood up.

“Okay,” Terra said, reaching a hand up to run through his hair. “Okay, I’ll go. But you’re getting an ‘I told you so’ if she kicks me out without letting me explain.”

Ven didn’t say anything else, he just gestured to the door. Terra did what he said and opened the door to the café, stepping inside. He tried not to look at her, knowing she was still watching everyone who walked in. He thought he felt Ven slip in behind but Terra lost track of his brother when he did make eye contact with Aqua.

She looked a little confused, like she was surprised he was there. Did she even know they went to the same school? Probably not; it wasn’t like they talked much, especially if it wasn’t work related. He walked over to the table she was sitting at, though he still had no idea what he was going to do let alone say.

“Hey,” he said, which was at least a start.

“Ah, hey,” Aqua said, still a confused look on her face. “I didn’t know you went to school here.”

That answered that question. “Hm, yeah, I do. What’re you doing here so late?”

Her face flushed slightly, she was embarrassed; it wasn’t a look he was used to on her. “Oh, I was just waiting for someone.”

“This late at night?”

“He had to work.”

“He, huh,” Terra said, pulling out the empty chair from the table. “On a date then?”

She flushed again and he did feel bad. He never saw Aqua be embarrassed in as long as he knew her. She always rolled with the punches, and stood her ground; which he did admire about her if he was being honest. “Who said it was your business?”

Terra shrugged, trying to ignore the weird feeling in the pit of his stomach as he sat down. It was a strange mix of still being in shock that Aqua was his mystery girl and the fluttering feeling fact that she wasn’t denying it could’ve been a date.  It was so conflicting and made him sort of want to throw up. “It’s not, I was only asking.”

The door opened behind him and Aqua’s head immediately snapped over to look. She watched the guy walk in but looked away when he made no motion to walk over to her.

“Blind date?” he asked, propping his elbow up on the table. He knew he should tell her, it was cruel to pretend it wasn’t him, but at the same time he couldn’t actually get the words to form in his head let alone come out.

Aqua glanced back to him, like she was surprised he was still there. “I guess you could say that.”

“Friend of a friend?”

“No,” she said, looking down to the book still on the table. “Ah, I met him online.”

Terra whistled. “You keep looking for him, I’m guessing he’s late?”

She hesitated. “It’s an unusual hour, he could be running behind.”

“And didn’t even tell you? Not the best first impression.”

She arched an eyebrow. “He’s actually a very nice person. I think if he’s running late he has a good reason to be.”

Terra felt a slight bit of exhilaration that she was standing up for him, that she thought he was a good person who wouldn’t stand anyone up. Based only on their conversations she actually wanted to see him, she looked forward to it. It only made him feel sicker that she was so wrong without even knowing it. “Sure hope so, better than chickening out.”

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” That exasperated tone he knew well, but now he couldn’t stop seeing the softer look in her eyes, her tone in the way she excitedly told him about her days, about how much she loved Christmas.

It would’ve been easy to say, “Yeah, right here” or anything to tell her that he was the one she was waiting for but she looked like she wanted to be anywhere but near him. Despite expecting this was how it was going to be, it hurt. Not just because this was the girl he looked forward to getting messages from, the girl who got him through the long days, that made the holidays seem a little brighter this year, but because something in the way he behaved towards her made her feel like she had to be harsh with him.

Maybe if he had been kinder at work, maybe if he listened instead of writing her off as a control freak, if he understood how she operated, if he was more patient, he would’ve seen the girl behind the screen while he was at work. Maybe he would’ve seen her eyes light up when it was him who walked through the room and maybe he would’ve liked it, loved it even.  

But it wasn’t what happened and now he couldn’t tell her, he couldn’t ever tell her. Terra wasn’t sure he could bear seeing that disappointment in her eyes. It would be easier for her to feel stood up than for him to crush her dreams that her mystery guy was none other than the person she hated.

“Yeah, I do,” Terra said, pushing himself up to his feet.

She was watching him but he couldn’t quite read her.

He leaned forward to tap the cover of the book. “Good choice,” he said. “I always liked it too.”

If she moved to say anything to him, he didn’t see it. He turned around to head back to the door, Ven scrambling off a stool to follow behind. He at least didn’t say anything as they walked in silence to Terra’s car. The disappointment only sunk in harder the farther he got away from the café. It wasn’t even that it was Aqua, that it was always Aqua - it was only in himself.

He didn’t even care to tell Ven ‘I told you so’ at any point.

--

Dear Bytheseaside,

Of course there is, how silly of me to assume otherwise. I appreciate your level of shamelessness in the least but it would take more than that to drive me off I think. Little brother, remember? I can take a lot of embarrassment. Speaking of, he’s alright. He just graduated high school and will be starting college in the spring much to my dreaded realization that time has gone by way too fast for me. Jokes aside he’s a great kid. Smart and generous, also sarcastic and snarky and sometimes I want to kill him but usually I love him. I think he very well could rival your love for sweets. You two would be peas in a pod honestly.

I mean, I can’t speak five languages in the least. Bits and pieces maybe, but not fluently. I have been around this country quite a bit but also places around the world. My dad traveled a lot before me and my brother so he took use when we were old enough. It’s always been fun, and yes, I have eaten things you’ve probably never dreamed of. It’s actually why my brother is starting college late, we had a trip planned for his graduation that interfered with some deadlines.

I can assure you I’m not a football player or a wrestler, I’m actually not really a sports person. I played in high school cause they made me but I never cared much for it. I’m not seven feet tall either, though maybe a little taller than average; maybe that freaks people out, I don’t know. I like to think I’m pretty mellow. You know, I’m not entirely sure you are capable of that. I’d be afraid to ever let you two in the same room, I may come back to find the place littered with all the sweets you two could find.

Wait, seriously? How did we never know we went to the same school? Let alone live in the same vicinity. You can say small world again. But, yeah, I mean, I’d totally be cool with that! I checked the work schedule and Thursday was already requested off so I can’t take it, but I can meet you after work if that’s okay? I’d actually really like it a lot. I’ll look for the bells and the book!

--

Aqua wasn’t sure if it was the cold weather and busy work schedule mixed with finals last week that knocked her out but all she knew was she tried to get up for work and there was just no way. She never called off but she didn’t have a choice. There was no way to open when she couldn’t even move from her bed; she felt like she got hit by a tuck the way her whole body ached, her nose wouldn’t stop running, she could barely eat anything in her apartment. It was probably for the best, all it would be was a day of sulking when she was supposed to be working. At least home she could pull the blankets over her head and pretend there wasn’t a terrible ache in her heart.

He never came.

She waited for hours, and then more time in hopes he’d walk in and recognize her sitting there. He never did. Aqua kept her phone out in case he messaged her that something came up but nothing, not a word. She didn’t know how to feel; if she should be heartbroken that the person she wanted to meet so badly didn’t feel the same. She worried that something happened to him, or nervous she did something to keep him away.

It only just resulted in her crying alone in her bed most the night, then to wake up with a pounding headache and feeling even more terrible. Aqua hadn’t known it was possible. She felt so stupid sitting there, and even more stupid going home alone, and just so sad. He was also so kind, so interested in what she had to say, so engaging she couldn’t understand what happened. He even sounded like he really wanted to meet her. Was it a lie to make her feel better and he never intended to come? That didn’t sound like him; he was always so open and honest. Still, she figured maybe you can’t always know someone just from the internet.

She reached her hand around the comforter covering her, trying to reach for the tissue box. Her nose was raw from blowing it so much but what else could she do but sit here and feel bad for herself? Tifa offered to come over and talk but Aqua just didn’t feel like talking to anyone. She cracked an eye open to look at her phone but no messages.

Clearly the one person she wanted to talk to didn’t want to talk to her.

She was maybe being melodramatic, she barely knew this person outside from long conversations reaching on for weeks but then again, wasn’t that enough to be able to know someone? Aqua groaned as she pulled the blankets over her head. She didn’t want to think anymore. She just wanted to go to sleep and pretend none of this happened. She should’ve never suggested going to meet him.

Except there was a part of her that still wanted to meet him.

Aqua slowly pulled the blanket down to her chest when she thought she heard something. She tried to listen to the quiet apartment, but there was nothing. No, wait…maybe there was something? Maybe she was delusional too? Someone was knocking on her door? Were they or was she imagining it?

Her phone buzzed and against her better judgment she nearly dove for it. The message waiting for her wasn’t anything like what she expected though.

Terra Hale (Work)

               Aqua, your neighbors are starting to look at me strangely. Can you open the door?

She blinked at the screen, trying to make sure she was reading that right. Yeah, they had each other’s numbers because they had to but he never texted her anything that wasn’t work related and even that was few and far between.

               Wait, are you here? Like at my door?

It wasn’t an unreasonable thing to ask, she didn’t even think Terra knew where she lived let alone ever been here before. Granted, he did use her name so it probably wasn’t a wrong number text.

Terra Hale (Work)

No, I’m asking you to open your door because I’m across town at someone else’s door. Yes, I’m standing here. It won’t take long, I know you’re sick.

Aqua knew she wasn’t feeling well but now she felt like she was in some weird alternative dimension. Was she dreaming? She had to be. Still she found herself kicking her legs over the side of her bed to stand up on shaky legs. Should she let him in? She probably looked like a terrible mess; red faced, red nosed, red eyed, not showered, bed head, the same PJ’s on from last night. Yep, he was probably going to tease her and never let her live this down.

She grabbed a thinner blanket off her bed and wrapped it around her shoulders, hopefully covering some of disheveled state. Aqua didn’t like people seeing her less than at her best, let alone someone who didn’t even seem to like her at her best. She shuffled through her small living room and kitchen to the door. It was still chained shut, so she opened it only as far as the chain went.

Sure enough there was Terra standing there. He was still in his work uniform, typical thin jacket on. He had some sort of bag in his hands but his eyes were glancing down at her before looking up to the chain lock.

“I promise I’m not trying to rob you.”

Aqua hesitated. “Are you here because I called off and made you work?”

His face was almost unreadable but he didn’t look mad, or even annoyed. “No, I’m here because Leon said you called off and you’ve never done that in the time I’ve known you so I figured it was serious.” Terra held up the white plastic bag slightly. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

She wasn’t sure how much she believed him since he never seemed to care about her wellbeing before but Aqua also didn’t want to leave the poor guy just standing there when he hadn’t actually done anything wrong. She reached up to unhook the chain, pulling the door open.

He stepped in, closing the door behind him while Aqua quickly retreated to the kitchen which was closer than the living room.

“Do you, ah, want any…” She paused to reach her arm to her face, sneezing far louder than she wanted to. “Coffee? Tea?”

“No, thank you,” he said, though she was surprised to see a small smile on his lips. “You should go back to bed.”

“I’m fine,” she said, but her nose betrayed her, sounding gross and stuffy. Great, this was just wonderful.

Terra placed the bag on her counter, undoing the knot on the top. “I brought you some soup,” he said, pulling out a large Tupperware contained that looked full to the brim with some sort of chicken soup. “It just needs to be heated up. It’s my dad’s recipe, real good I promise. He used to make it for me and my brother when we were sick too.”

Aqua couldn’t help but eye him as he placed the container in the fridge for her. “Oh, wow, well thank you. You didn’t have to do that.”

“It was nothing,” he shrugged, reaching back for the bag. “I also brought some tea leaves, another special blend my dad always gave us. Do you have a teapot or anything?”

“Ah…” Aqua fiddled with the edge of her blanket. She didn’t know what she was expecting when she let Terra inside but this was absolutely not it. “Yeah, on the stove.”

He turned to grab it, filling it up with some water from the sink. While she wasn’t used to Terra being so…accommodating to her, she knew if she asked him to leave he would but she couldn’t find those words. She was more curious as to why he was being so accommodating; especially after how rude she was to him last night. Guilt swirled in the pit of her stomach, making her feel worse than she already did. She tried to tell herself he deserved it, that he was always abrasive at work so what else was she supposed to do? But at the same time, here he was pulling a mug off her drying rack to put near the tea he brought.

He turned the stove on, the clicks filling the otherwise quiet kitchen. “Go on back to bed, I’ll bring you some when it’s done and get out of your hair.”

She bit down on her lip, watching him as he popped open the container of tea leaves. She never really had tea without a tea bag before; she didn’t even know Terra liked tea. Come to think of it, she didn’t know very much about him in the first place. “I’m fine,” she said again, though she promptly sneezed again.

He looked up from pouring the tea leaves into the mug, a sort of knowing smile on his lips.

“I, um…” Aqua was really unsure what to even say. They never had a conversation without bickering before. “I’ll take your shift tomorrow.” She had to pause to sniffle even if it was incredibly embarrassing. “To make up for making you work today.”

“No need,” he said. “You keep your day off, you may need another day to rest and feel better.”

“No, no, it’s only fai-” Another sneeze. “Fair.”

“You’re clearly exhausted and overworked,” he said, sealing the cap back on the tea. “You need the rest and you need to go back to bed.”

“Really, I’m fi…” she paused when she saw him coming towards her. “Fine, I’m fine.”

He hummed like he really didn’t believe her which he clearly didn’t because the next thing he had picked her up over his shoulder.

“Terra!” she gasped, instinctively reaching down to grab him and keep her balance but she was more amazed at how effortlessly he carried her. She should be furious at him for touching her when she didn’t need to be but instead all she felt was a sort of warmth from his body, it was comforting in a weird way. That someone came out all the way just to take care of her.

It was sweet, even though she never thought to describe Terra that way.

He gently placed her down on her bed moving out of the way as she could only stare up at him in surprise. “I’m sorry if I intruded,” he said holding his hands up slightly. “But if I knew anything about you it was that you probably wouldn’t ask for help and were just sitting here suffering alone. I thought I’d help even a little bit.”

It was sweet, it was really sweet. She even smiled a little bit. “Well, thank you.” Aqua kicked her legs up onto her bed as he reached down to pull the comforter up over her. “I take it as a big brother you know how to take care of someone with a cold?”

He sat down on the edge of her bed, reaching over to briefly place his hand on her forehead. “And a fever, yes.”

She rolled her head on her pillow, looking up to meet his blue eyes. Were they always that blue? That compassionate? She didn’t know.

“Hey,” he said. “Did the person you were supposed to meet ever show up?”

Aqua felt her stomach sink at the mention even though it wasn’t an unusual thing to ask. “No,” she said. “He never did.”

Terra clicked his tongue in thought and she was sure something snarky was about to follow. “Well, I’m sorry to hear that. You deserve better than being stood up like that. He’s an idiot for doing that to you.”

Aqua felt like she was staring but she couldn’t help it; of all the things she was expecting that was not it. Who was this and what had he done with Terra? Maybe it always was Terra but she was too stubborn to see the boy who lived behind her coworker. “Ah, well, thank you, that’s sweet of you.”

She paused for a second. On any normal circumstances she would never even consider opening her mouth to say what she was thinking to him, but he was here and he was being so nice, and she was admittedly not in her right mind. “Do you think…” she started, biting down at her lip to voice the one thought she couldn’t get out of her head. “Do you think he was there? And he took one look at me and left? Do you think it was me?”

“No,” Terra said quickly. “I don’t think that would ever be the case. You’re pretty, any guy would be lucky to look in and see you sitting there. Maybe something came up and he wasn’t able to tell you, or maybe he was too nervous to show his face. I don’t think it was you.”

Aqua stared at him; she didn’t expect him to say anything like that to her, not now not ever.

“I’m also, ah…” He glanced away, looking over her probably terribly messy room. “I’m sorry for intruding on you last night.”

“Oh, ah, it’s okay.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I was just nervous.”

He opened his mouth to say something but the teapot whistled from the other room. He got up with a slight smile and left her room. Aqua could only watch after him.

This was…a weird day. Seeing this small glimpse of him though…it was just astounding to her; maybe this was the real Terra. Sure he was laid back and didn’t hold the rules as high of a regard as she did, but maybe that was because he was understanding and wanted to give everyone a chance. He never punished Lea for being late, or Sora for mixing up an order, or Kairi for chatting too much but maybe it was because he was empathetic, understanding how and why they did the things they did.

Maybe there was a lot of him she didn’t even know.

“Okay,” he said, coming in with two cups in his hands. “Tea is in the mug though it’s very hot so be careful. Water is in the glass because with a fever, you should stay hydrated.”

The tea smelt so good, herbal spices mixing to remind her of an autumn day. She carefully took the mug from him, the steam and warmth making her feel better already.

He placed the water on her night stand, sticking his hands in his jacket pocket as he looked down at her. “Try and stay in bed and get some sleep. I left the tea leaves out in case you want more and soup is still in the fridge. If you need more or want anything different to eat or anything really, you have my number. I don’t live that far away.”

Aqua looked up at him. She was used to how he looked, how he dressed, his facial expressions, his mannerisms but this time it was like seeing a whole different person. “Thank you, Terra, I really mean it.”

“Any time,” he said, reaching a hand up to wave. “Get some rest.”

“Okay,” she nodded. “See you.”

“Bye.” He gave her a slight smile before turning to leave, the sound of her door closing shut was the last thing she heard of him.

What had seriously just happened? She could barely wrap her mind around it as she sipped on her tea. A part of her still wondered if she was dreaming but as she looked down at her quiet phone she did realize one thing.

At least for a little bit she stopped wondering why her friend hadn’t messaged her about last night.

--

Dear OftheShire,

I do hope all is well and nothing serious happened that caused you not to be able to make it. Maybe there was a misunderstanding somewhere along the way (maybe we really weren’t talking about the same schools?). Whatever the case, I hope I haven’t done anything that would’ve kept you away. I’d feel terrible if I made you feel pressured or scared in any way. All I really wanted to do was talk to the person whose company I’ve been enjoying so much!

I hope this doesn’t change anything between us because I would greatly miss being friends with you. If you thinking meeting in person is a bad idea, I’ll never bring it up again! Things can completely stay the same between us here.

I do hope all is well though. Just let me know so I don’t worry too much about you!

--

It was strange how you could go from barely thinking about someone to go to never getting them out of your mind. Maybe it was because Terra finally stopped distinguishing Aqua, the girl he worked with from Aqua, the girl he really liked online. They were both the same people, and he could see that now clearly. He never bothered to before, but seeing the soft look in her eyes as she asked him if he thought it was her that made her date run away, slipping Xion some money so she could go buy herself a sugary coffee, watching how she helped the seven year old girl pick out a present for her mom, how Aqua sang along with the radio when she thought no one was looking, the grin on her face when she teased Lea for flirting with customers again, it was all the same Aqua.

He couldn’t believe he never saw it before.

The few days she was gone from work to recover dragged on and on. He wanted to check up on her but he didn’t want to intrude, once was enough for his heart that nearly pounded out of his chest the entire time he was there. He hoped she’d text him but she never did. He knew he could respond to her waiting message but it didn’t feel right; not after what he did, not after what he knew. Terra felt terrible lying to her even at her apartment but he just didn’t know what he could say that would make any of this right.

He tried to when she did come back to work but all that came out was asking her if she needed more tea and that the magazines looked like a tornado went through them. Terra never admitted to be very smooth.

No, instead he found himself just sort of lingering around the store, trying to keep to himself or help her and the other kids when they needed it. Thankfully with only one week till Christmas left they were swamped at all times and he could keep busy enough to take his mind off the beautiful girl he worked with, the one who made him so happy without even knowing she did.

How had he been so blind?

“Oh, yes, ma’am, its right over here,” Aqua said from around the corner.

Terra leaned around the end of the bookshelf he was doing a quick stock of to see her walking with another woman to one of the bookshelves that lined the walls.

“It’s a beautiful book,” Aqua continued. “Full of beautiful pictures and descriptions, great for any fan.” She reached up to the top shelf to grab some sort of movie art book but the stock was low and she was a little too short to reach it on her own. “Popular as well,” she chuckled as she tried to strain a little harder to grab it with no luck.

Terra left the books he had in his hands on the shelf, moving over to where Aqua was still struggling. He reached over her head to grab the book with no effort. “Here you go,” he said, passing it to Aqua.

She had turned around to look at him, a little too close, he could feel the warmth of her body against his. There was this look in her eyes, one he couldn’t quite read but it melted into that customer service smile. “Thank you,” she said, turning again to hand the book to the customer. “We have to keep some tall employees here just for that.”

The woman smiled her thanks and went to leave, vanishing in the rest of the crowd of customers. Terra knew he should get back to his own work, but he was frozen when Aqua exhaled, leaning back against the bookshelf as she looked back up at him. “I am exhausted.”

“I know the feeling,” he said, reaching a hand up behind the back of his head.

“You need a break?” she asked a sort of concern wrinkling her forehead. “I can hold the fort down.”

“Oh, no, I’ll be fine but feel free to take it if you need it. I can handle it just fine.”

While before it may’ve ended up in more bickering, now she merely laughed. “I appreciate it, Terra, but I’ll be okay too. I guess we’re better as a team out here anyways.”

He blinked at her, not quite getting what she meant, but she glanced upwards at the top shelf. “Ah, yeah, need those tall arms don’t you?”

“I used to think I was tall for a girl, and then I met you.”

“Ah, what can I say? Born to be a sports person.”

“Were you?”

“No,” he laughed. “I never cared much for playing or watching them.”

She looked at him with that unreadable look again. It wasn’t bad he didn’t think, he just wasn’t sure what was going through her head. “Well, I suppose you do like books better.”

“That I do, obviously.” He found his voice lacking the sarcasm he used to talk to her with, mainly because he really did enjoy talking to her. He thought maybe she felt the same because she was much less abrasive with him ever since he brought her the soup. Maybe it hadn’t been such a bad idea.

She laughed lightly, opening her mouth to say something else but a voice crackled in both their ears, judging by the way Aqua cringed at the same time he did.

“Guys,” Sora whined a little too loudly over the headset. “This customer is angry over a sale. Can one of you come help me?”

Terra reached up to turn his mic on to say he got it but he felt Aqua’s soft touch on his arm.

“I got it, Sora,” she said as she pressed her mic on. “I’ll be right there.”

“Oh, thank Jesus. I think they want to murder me.”

“I would’ve gone,” Terra said. “I know you said you were tired.”

“It’s fine,” she said with the smile he had gotten used to the past few days. “I know you’re not a big confrontation person and I love putting people in their place, especially when they mess with my kids.” She winked at him before going to head to the register.

Terra watched her go and almost pitied the person who yelled at Sora. Almost. Terra moved back to where he was stocking, hoping it would keep distracting him till the store closed and he could get some peace and quiet to clean the store in.

“What happened with you?”

He looked up to see Riku standing at the next shelving unit over. He was straightening but he was also eyeing Terra a little curiously. “I don’t understand what you mean.”

“You and Aqua,” Riku said, gesturing vaguely in the direction Aqua was last in.

Terra arched an eyebrow. “Are you spying on me, kiddo?”

“No, no, nothing like that,” Riku said, leaning over to fix the next shelf down. “More like it’s so obvious everyone’s been talking about it.”

Terra froze. “Talking about what?”

“That you guys actually get along now. Some have, ah, interesting theories.”

“People like Lea and Kairi, I’ll guess?”

Riku snorted and that was enough of an answer. “It’s just you guys used to fight-flirt a lot, like we all couldn’t tell if you hated each other or liked each other but now you guys…I don’t know, seem happy?”

Terra decided he’d ignore the fact the employees apparently talked about his and Aqua’s relationship dynamics (and referred to it as flirting none the less). “Huh, I mean nothing really changed.”

“I don’t think that’s true. Something changed somewhere.” Riku crouched down but looked up towards Terra. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good thing, I don’t think I’ve ever seen either of you smile so much especially around this time of the year when you’re stuck at work. Whatever it is, I’m glad to see you happy.”

Terra knew something changed in himself, and maybe because of his attitude change, it made Aqua feel better about him but he didn’t think it was that apparent to everyone else. “Well, thanks I guess but nothing’s really changed. I guess we just learned how to work with each other.”

Riku made some sort of noise of acknowledgement but otherwise went back to straightening the books. Terra tried to do the same but he couldn’t focus on what went where. He couldn’t see or hear Aqua but he was so aware of her presence. There was no going back for him now, not when he knew it was her. He knew why she made him happy but the disappointment she’d feel knowing he was the person she was waiting to hear back from was enough to make him look back to his job.

He knew he had to tell her, lying to her only made him feel worse every day. It would both ruin the relationship they had, and the one that was only just growing but he had to make it right to her. She deserved that and so much more.

--

Dear Bytheseaside,

I’m not sure I have words to apologize to you. I could sit here and make excuses all day long but the truth is I have none. I’m the one who chickened out and in the end couldn’t face you. There was nothing you did wrong; I can assure you of that. I’m not quite as outgoing as I may come across and the thought of facing you made me turn away. Then in turn, the thought of facing you in shame of what I’ve done got me delaying in telling you what happened.

I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t trust me to meet again but I still would like to make it up to you. The large Christmas tree in the center of West Town Mall, it’s beautiful you know? I know how much you love Christmas (and hate the cold so this is inside). If you have time maybe the day before Christmas Eve,  I’ll wait for you there. I know you typically work nights so after closing.  I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to show up, but this time I promise I’ll be there. I can’t promise I’ll wear bells in my hair, but I think you’ll know me when you see me.

--

Aqua couldn’t get the nervous buzz out of the pit of her stomach, which meant it was probably bad to be walking back into the store with more coffee for herself, but she couldn’t help it. She balanced the tray and a couple bags of food past some customers who were digging through the bargain bin, more running to grab last minute presents all around her. Thankfully she made it to the backroom without anyone running into her and spilling either coffee cup.

Terra was already sitting at the table, fiddling with his phone. She smiled as the door swung behind her; at least the nice thing about working the day before Christmas Eve was the boss was here all day and she could take her break at the same time as him tonight.

“Ta-da,” she said, placing the tray down on the table. “Surprise caffeine.”

“Bless you,” he said, leaving his phone on the table. “But you seriously didn’t have to get me anything, Aqua.”

“It was nothing.” She waved him off before reaching for one so she could read the markings. “I figured you were as dead on your feet as I was.”

“You’re right there.”

“Just today and tomorrow,” she said, handing him the one marked with nothing but coffee in it. “Then a day off.”

“Yeah, until we have to come back for all the after-Christmas sales.” He took the coffee from her, but his fingers were warmer than she expected, making her jump just a little when they brushed against her hand.

“Optimism, Terra, c’mon now.” Aqua sat down in the chair across from him, thankful to not be on her feet even for a little bit. She brought the warm coffee up to her lips, hoping it would help her lingering exhaustion.

He snorted but he didn’t say anything else as he sipped carefully at his own drink.

“Oh, here, this too.” Aqua grabbed one of the food bags to peek into it before sliding it over to him.

He choked slightly, probably out of surprise. “You’re too much. You know you don’t have to make sure I eat, right?”

She hummed, grabbing her own bag before leaning back again. “I don’t know, you look like someone who would forget to eat.”

It was the strangest thing. Where she once didn’t even like having to share the same space as him, she found herself standing at the café in the mall wondering what Terra would like off the menu. She admittedly didn’t know and had to guess completely, but so far he was drinking the black coffee with no complaints as he peeked into the bag curiously.

“It was the least sweet thing I could find,” she explained, pulling out her own pastry which she made sure was the polar opposite.

It was like the thought surprised him as he looked back up to her.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” she chuckled, pulling off a piece of her pastry to pop in her mouth. “It’s the holidays, there’s been cookies and pies and cakes galore back here and you’ve never touched any of them. I figured you didn’t really like sweets too much.”

“Ah, well, you’re right,” he said, placing the pastry on top of the bag, a sort of smile on his lips. “Thank you for thinking of me.”

“Of course, we have to survive all this madness together.”

He hummed in response, leaning back in his chair as he carefully ate the pastry she brought him.

Aqua wasn’t quite sure how it happened. She didn’t know how she went from trying to ignore him as best she could at work to actually looking to see if his name was on the schedule with her. Almost just as surprising was the disappointment she felt when they were scheduled separate. Was he always this sweet and kind and she just never saw it? Did she ever give him the chance to understand he just operated on a different level than she did?

She didn’t know. All she knew was she regretted the way she treated him before. Ever since he brought her food when she was sick, she couldn’t get him out of her head. Even going so far as to having the desire to text him for no reason other than she wished she could see him more than just at work when they were so busy and never really got a chance to say much. She did stop trying to always take control of things, knowing that no matter what he was doing he’d do it to the best of his abilities, even if it was a much quieter way than she’d do it. She actually found his presence with her more comforting than anything, knowing he’d be there if she needed it. Aqua didn’t know why, because she didn’t deserve it in the least but it was a nice thing.

Also a very conflicting thing as she was supposed to meet the person she had been talking to for months again tonight.

“Something on your mind?” he asked.

Aqua blinked as she remembered she was still sitting at the table staring down at her food. His was already gone, just crumbs remaining as he went back to his drink. “Ah, nothing important,” she said, reaching to pick at her pastry.

Terra tipped his cup to his lips, gesturing with his hand for her to continue. Did she mention how easy it was to talk to him, too? For all the bickering they used to do, she found conversation with him so easily. He was quiet but always attentive, like nothing she said ever bored him. Why did they used to fight so much? Aqua couldn’t even begin to remember.

“I’m well, I’m supposed to meet that guy again tonight.” The nerves tightened in her stomach just at the thought, making her otherwise delicious food seem unappealing.

Terra arched his eyebrows. “Is that a bad thing?”

“I don’t know,” she groaned, her head falling backwards some.

“Did he at least apologize to you?”

She nodded. “Yeah, he didn’t really tell me what happened other than it was on him, and that he wanted to try for a second chance.”

“Do you think he deserves it?”

“Everyone deserves a second chance,” Aqua said, maybe a little too quickly judging by the way her heart leapt up into her throat with Terra’s eyes on her. “I just…I don’t know.”

Terra leaned forward, placing his cup on the table. “In the end it’s up to you. You seemed really upset when he stood you up last time. You have every right not to want to put yourself through that again.”

She hesitated. “Do you think I should go?”

“It’s not my choice to make,” he laughed lightly. “It’s up to you and how you feel. If you still feel like you want to meet this person then go, if you don’t feel like you can trust them after what happened then don’t. Don’t ever feel forced to do something just because you think it’s what other people want.”  

Did she still want to? She knew there was a part of her that did, who wanted to meet the person she had so many wonderful conversations with, who made her feel light and warm, happy even when she otherwise might not’ve felt those things. Yet, there was another part of her who was aware there was a person sitting in this room who also had the ability to make her feel that way, who took care of her when he absolutely didn’t have to, who kept the kids at the store out of trouble because he knew they meant well, who did anything without a complaint.

“You’re right,” she said, bringing her coffee back up to her lips. Their break would be over in any second, and she’d have to go back to work and try to not be distracted…by a lot of things.

Terra seemed accepting enough with her answer as he leaned back in his chair. Granted that didn’t last too long as the door swung open.

Xion had her head popped in. “Boss said break’s up, sorry, guys.”

“It’s fine, be right there,” Aqua said, moving to shove the rest of her pastry in her mouth (that absolutely got a chuckle from Terra). She grabbed her coffee to take with her as she stood; she was hiding it behind the counter, they could pry it from her cold, dead hands.

“Hey, Aqua?”

She paused, turning back to Terra who was standing but not really making any other move to leave. “Yeah, what’s up?”

He looked a little unsure, and for a moment she thought he was going to tell her not to go (or hoped? She wasn’t quite sure). “I’m sorry, about how I’ve treated you in the past. It was, ah, really wrong of me.”

Despite the fact she was about to head back to the floor on one of the busiest nights of the year, she couldn’t hold back her smile at his sweet sentiment. “You don’t have to apologize, Terra. I wasn’t always very kind either, so I’m sorry about that.” She paused for a moment, well aware Xion was probably about to stick her head back in to get them moving. “I’m glad it’s not like that anymore though.”

“Me too.”

Aqua barely had time to register the sort of sweet smile on his lips as she pulled open the door, her head instantly filled with Christmas music and the noise that came with a packed store. She did think about how well his smile fit his face, how sincere he was in a simple apology as she bustled around trying to assist where she could and keep the customers happy. It really didn’t help her choice she had to make, it only made it even harder.

In the end, once the store was cleaned and closed up, she bid farewell to her coworkers and walked down the nearby stairs to the first floor of the mall. She could’ve gone to her car and left, but at the same time she couldn’t abide having him feel the same way she did just the week before. Aqua wasn’t sure what she’d say or what she’d do, if she even felt the same way she did before but in the very least he was her friend and he deserved to be treated with respect.

The tree was so big it reached the second floor of the mall, all filled with garland, ornaments, lights, and bows. It really was beautiful. Usually it was filled with lines of kids coming to see Santa but now it was empty, the lights twinkling and soft music playing over the radio. No one else was there, and she tried not to feel the familiar sink of disappointment.

Aqua moved to walk around the tree, to see if anyone else was waiting around the other side. No one, not even lingering mall shoppers, everyone was gone already. She sighed, reaching to her pocket for her phone to see how long she should wait before leaving this endeavor too. She stopped short when she heard footsteps in her direction.

Her heart was in her throat when she looked up but it really didn’t clear anything up. “Terra?” she asked, as he continued to walk up to her. “Did you forget something?”

He had his hands in his jacket pockets, his shoulders hunched slightly. He had keys so she wasn’t sure why he’d need her if he forgot something in the store but still he didn’t stop till he was standing in front of her. The look on his face was a little unreadable, but he looked more nervous than anything.

It was that moment Aqua realized while she told Terra she was supposed to meet her friend tonight, she never actually said where.

“I know I said you’d know me when you saw me,” he said, reaching a hand up to the back of his neck. “But I realized you never did before, so I suppose I probably should’ve brought bells or something.”

Aqua felt her purse fall off her shoulder but she made no move to get it, she could only bring her fingers up to her mouth as she stared at him. It made sense; it made way too much sense for her to have never seen it before. Everything she knew about her friend she knew in Terra too, right down to how gentle and caring she always thought him to be.

“I’m sorry for lying to you,” he said. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that night either. I just…didn’t want you to feel disappointed that in the end it was me.”

“Terra,” she choked. The emotions swirling through her made tears pricked her eyes in a wave of relief that she didn’t even know she was looking for till he was standing there; that the person she looked forward to seeing at work was the same person she waited for each message from. “I couldn’t…I wanted it to be you.”

He didn’t seem to be expecting that, nor did she expect to put her hands on his face, bringing herself up to press her lips to his. Terra recovered from his surprise enough to reach a hand to her face, the other to her back, pulling her in.

She heard the Christmas music playing lightly, the smell of pine and cinnamon, the lights behind her eyes but mostly she felt the familiar warmth he brought her, his gentle hands against her as he kissed her back. For the first time since she met him, both at work and through their messages, everything just felt simply right.

[1dfangirls35]

Voir Dire (NH):

A fake dating OU about contracts, soulmates, and risking it all for love.

one

two

Kelsey hated being late. And today she was late, later then she had ever been to her shift at Manhattan, the up-scale and overpriced bar in Los Angeles that she had been employed at for nearly three months now.

She knew she would be cutting it close, but you couldn't exactly tell your current boss that you might be late because you are interviewing for a slightly better paying job now could you?

It wasn't the type of job Kelsey had ever imagined applying for, but considering the extremely high cost of living in Los Angeles, and her extremely low wages as a bartender at the Manhattan (even including the very generous tips), she hadn't had much of a choice. These days her own earnings were all that were getting her by, and by getting by she meant living on a diet of mainly ramen noodles and cereal. 

"How was the interview?" Maya, Kelsey's favorite co-worker, asked as Kelsey slid behind the grey granite-topped bar to begin slicing limes. Maya was the only one that knew about the interview and Kelsey wanted to keep it that way, especially with the way her luck was turning out these days.

Kelsey had always considered herself lucky. She had been blessed with supportive parents, fantastic friends, and a will to do whatever she set her mind to. She had it all together...until she didn't.

Like some stroke of bad luck, Kelsey had went from a girl with a picture perfect family to a girl whose family was being ripped apart by an affair. She went from the girl who had the most tight-knit group of friends the world had seen, to a disastrous falling out with her best friend over the boy Kelsey had always pictured herself walking down the aisle to. And to put the icing on the cake, Kelsey had went from the girl with every academic accomplishment in the book, to a girl that wasn't accepted into law school because of her extremely poor LSAT score.

So Kelsey found herself three months post-college graduation, working as a bartender, living alone in the big city of Los Angeles, just trying to find ways to make ends meet so that maybe in a year she would be accepted into her dream law school- Stanford University. The bartending job was only supposed to be temporary, but considering the lack of lucky breaks in Kelsey's recent life, she was beginning to think the gig might be slightly more permanent.

Kelsey shrugged as she turned to Maya. "It went fine, but you know if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out." Kelsey moved on to unloading the dishwasher, the heat of the glass leaving a slight sting on her fingertips.

"You're going to get into law school Kelsey. I know you will," Maya set a hand of encouragement on Kelsey's shoulder, before joining in the joyous task of unloading glasses. "I mean think of all the connections you've made so far, the Manhattan clientele are not your average Joe's."

Maya was in fact right about that. The Manhattan was exclusive in every form of the word. Instead of a bar filled with drunk college students, raging alcoholics or lonely old men, it was filled with CEOs, celebrities and those of the upper class looking for a drink to take the edge off.

And Kelsey had made connections. She'd served a bottle of $300 wine to one of the top estate lawyers in the city, called a cab for the defense attorney of choice for celebrity "mishaps", she'd even run into a few politicians- Stanford law grads themselves.

They'd tipped nicely, they'd asked her what had brought her to the city, they'd even offered their words of wisdom a few times. But were they going to take the girl in the bar pouring their precious drinks seriously? Did they really believe this girl had what it took to get into law school? Absolutely not- they'd go back home, to their wives or their coworkers and they'd laugh about the bartender who thought mixing drinks was going to be her gateway into winning cases.

"I'm just trying to be realistic," Kelsey sighed, reaching to pull her chocolate brown hair into a knot at the nape of her neck. 

"When did realism get anyone anywhere," Maya said with a roll of her brown eyes. Maya was a dreamer. Like many people that came to Los Angeles, Maya had made the journey in hopes of getting her big break in music. She was good; a gifted singer, but in a place like Los Angeles being good wasn't good enough, you had to have connections. Despite the numerous demos Maya had snuck into the hands of Manhattan patrons against the explicit rules of management, she had yet to recieve her big break. 

"Speaking of 'realism'," Maya laughed. "The AMA's are coming up this weekend. Think we will get anyone good at the bar?"

Kelsey laughed. "You wish."

"I'm telling you girl, one day Beyonce herself is going to walk through these doors and get her hands on one of my highly prized demos. Mark my words." Kelsey rolled her eyes at her friend's daydream. Maya wouldn't want to be hanging out with someone as unlucky as Kelsey if she wanted that to happen.

"Opening in five ladies," Tom, the head bouncer announced from his perch in front of the glass double doors. Kelsey and Maya nodded in understanding.

"Maybe Beyonce's waiting outside those doors?" Kelsey joked.

"Now who's the dreamer," Maya laughed and the two began a busy night of mixing drinks. 

***********************

Niall Horan was not an unfriendly guy. In fact, Niall prided himself on being one of the most down-to-earth celebrities- someone that would strike up a conversation with anyone. The last thing he wanted to be seen as was a diva.

But yet as he sat at the table across from a beautiful girl, with blonde-hair curled in perfectly symmetric waves, he couldn't even bring himself to form as much as a smile. He couldn't find the words to form a single polite question. All he could do was stare, and think about how he had even gotten himself into this mess, seated at a table with a girl that he knew absolutely nothing about.

Her name was Krystal Hoffman, and he was supposed to be in love with her. There was nothing obviously wrong with Krystal; she was pretty, polite, and confident. Although Niall had only met her a few minutes ago, he could already tell she wasn't someone that wouldn't be intimidated by the spotlight. He knew that because of the way she had looked him straight in the eyes when they shook hands and the way she had boldly introduced herself to each and every member of the Capitol team. Niall supposed it had something to do with the fact that she was an aspiring actress.

There was nothing wrong with Krystal except for the one thing that was completely wrong-she wasn't the love of Niall's life like she was pretending to be. She was a means to his end, a publicity stunt. Much like he would be the same to her, a way to get noticed.

Krystal cleared her throat, obviously seeking to break the awkward silence that has fallen between the two. "So the AMA's are this weekend right? I'm sure that's a pretty big deal."

Niall nodded politely. "Yup."

"Why do I get the feeling you don't like me very much?" Krystal asked bluntly, her eyes didn't waver as they caught Niall's gaze.

Niall sighed. This is what he didn't want to happen. It was the first day and the girl already thought he hated her. "It's not that I don't like you, to be honest I don't even know you. I just don't like the idea of you, you know a fake girlfriend and all."

"Don't worry, this is strictly business for me as well. I'm just trying to make my big break is all." Krystal offered Niall a polite smile. Niall could tell the poor girl was trying, I mean it couldn't be easy, being thrown in a room with a pop star and told to get to know them. Most people would be afraid to even ask as much as a question. He had to at least give her that, she was trying.

"Well let's start with the facts. Better get brushed up on these sorts of things before the red carpet," Niall sighs, flipping over to the first page in the one inch packet that more so resembled a small novel. He watched Krystal's eyes go wide at the mention of the red carpet. He supposed a word that had come to be the norm for him was likely a dream of hers. After all it had been his once too- heading to awards shows dressed to the nines.

That dream seemed like a distant memory to him now. His reality was far different than he had ever pictured it all those years ago when he had first applied for the X-Factor. If you had told him he'd be studying facts about a fake girlfriend before heading to the red carpet he would have laughed in your face.

"So according to my sheet we met on the set of my unreleased music video," Niall began, his eyes scanning the black font on the page. The papers in his hand hold a lot more information than he would have imagined. Making up a fake relationship required a lot more planning than Niall ever thought.

"The sparks were flying from the moment we started filming," Krystal added. Niall didn't see this on his paper but he nodded at it anyway. They must have picked the right girl for the job if she could make stuff like that off the fly with such ease. He could also now assume that his music video and first single have been pre-picked for him. Yet another thing out of his control.

"Do you have experience with this? This whole being a fake girlfriend thing?" Niall asked suddenly. He had the bad habit of saying whatever came to his mind, sometimes not with the best of timing.

"I've never been someone's fake girlfriend before no," Krystal laughed, twirling a strand of her long blonde hair through her fingers. "But I'm an actress, so it's really just another role for me."

"I'm sure you'll be great," Niall said with a polite smile, and Krystal returned her gaze to the papers in front of her.

"So where am I from?" Krystal asked.

"'cuse me?" Niall asks, not quite understanding why Krystal was asking him where she was from. He didn't know that, he'd only just met the girl.

"You've got to know where your girlfriend's from silly," Krystal giggled. "You have a lot of studying to do."

Niall sighed. "Guess I do." The idea of having to study facts about someone else was enough to make him cringe. Why couldn't they just play the whole unconfirmed relationship card? Why did the whole stunt have to be so detailed?

"Think we better call it for the day, I've got some people I need to meet with," Niall said, standing from the table and pushing in his chair.

Krystal stood as well, pulling down her mini skirt and then fluffing her hair. "Well it was nice to finally meet you, boyfriend."

Niall offered his hand out for a polite handshake. Krystal instead crosses the gap between him and brings them into a hug. "If your gonna play the part, I'm afraid your going to have to show a little more affection than a handshake."

Krystal pulled away. "See you Saturday then."

"See you Saturday," Niall replied with a polite wave. He hoped Saturday would never come.

****************

Combined chapters 2 & 3 from my Wattpad version, so if you’ve ever looked there don’t be confused!

[waveridden]

FIC: a better side of you to admire

It is a mystery to Cib, most days, how he ended up dating the literal nicest person in the world. Or, more exactly, how the literal nicest person in the world ended up dating him. (A domestic AU. Cib/Parker, 1.6k)

AUcember || title lyric

#

“You look constipated,” Steve announces. “Tell me what’s wrong before I change my mind.”

“You wanna hear about me being constipated?” Cib says, even though they both definitely know that’s not the real problem. “Wanna talk about my bowels?”

As always, Steve rolls his eyes. “Yeah, Cib, tell me all about those bowels of yours.”

“Well, it all started when Parker started talking about how we have different diets.”

“So this is about you and Parker moving in together?”

“Maybe,” Cib hedges, which they both know is as good as a yes. Steve is good at speaking Cib’s language: Cib says shit he doesn’t mean, and Steve hears the shit he does mean. It’s a gift. Cib has been telling him for years that he should put it on his resume.

“Okay,” Steve says. “What is it about, then, really?”

“Nothing,” Cib says as forcefully as he can.

Steve taps his chin and looks at him consideringly. “You asked him to move in with you.”

“Yes, I did.”

“And the big day is two days away.”

“Yes, sir, yes it is.”

“And you’re not worried about that.”

“I’m actually mostly not.”

“But it is about Parker.”

“It actually mostly is.”

“Okay,” Steve says, and leans in to look closely at Cib’s right iris, which he swears holds all of Cib’s secrets.

Cib asked Parker once to see what secrets were in that iris. Parker had lasted about three seconds before he leaned back in bed, giggle-snorting, and announced that looking at eyes freaked him out. And Cib was pretty much required by law to kiss him, because that was damn cute, and that was the end of that.

“Holy shit,” Steve says, “you think Parker’s cheating on you.”

“No,” Cib says immediately, and Steven gives him a look. Cib knows that look, because he’s just as fluent in Steve’s language as Steve is in his. It’s a look that means he knows Cib is lying. “I don’t!”

“You think that your fourth-grade teacher boyfriend-”

“I don’t think that!”

“You’re afraid,” Steve amends, and Cib nods. “That your fourth-grade teacher boyfriend is having an affair?”

“I think teaching kids for a living could drive anyone to want more out of life,” Cib says, which is at least partially true. Kids are great, he loves kids, but Parker is… well, he’s great with them, in a way that most people just aren’t. Parker is patient, and steady, and makes self-deprecating jokes like he’s not the only genuinely kind person in Cib’s life.

It is a mystery to Cib, most days, how he ended up dating the literal nicest person in the world. Or, more exactly, how the literal nicest person in the world ended up dating him.

“Okay, no, stop.” Steve shakes his head. “Where is this coming from?”

Cib chews his lip for a second. “Okay, so there’s a third-grade teacher down the hall, right?”

“Jesus Christ, you think he’s having an affair with a coworker? In front of the eight-year-olds?”

“You should hear how he talks about her,” Cib protests. “He keeps talking about how she’s pretty, and nice, and good with the kids, and…”

He trails off, but he’s pretty sure Steve can hear what he’s not saying. That Parker talks about Miss Siedband from down the hall the same way that Cib talks about Parker.

“Dude,” Steve sighs, and he at least looks a little more sympathetic now. “If he wanted to date someone like that, he would.”

“I know,” Cib says, because that’s the worst part. He knows that this is all bullshit nonsense paranoia, and he trusts Parker completely. Or at least mostly. “But what if he does want to?”

“Then he’ll break up with you,” Steve says, and when Cib flinches, he adds, “you fucking wimp, oh my god. But he’s not going to, because you’re moving in together.”

“I know.”

“And also, this is Parker, who I’m pretty sure could not hurt someone if his life literally depended on it. How do you think he’s going to hurt you?”

“He’s not,” Cib admits. “It’s just… he’s… and I’m…”

“A fucking idiot,” Steve finishes. “C’mon, man, waste my time with real problems next time.”

It’s a little more blunt than the usual dialect of Steve-speak, but Cib understands it anyways: he has nothing to worry about. Which he knew, or at least suspected, but it’s nice to hear it from Steve.

“Maybe I’ll talk about my constipation instead,” he says, because he knows that Steve will hear the unspoken thank you. And Steve groans, but Cib’s pretty sure that just means “you’re welcome.”

#

Cib shows up before Parker’s school open house with fresh store-bought cookies, still in the container.

“Aw, babe,” Parker says, beaming down. “From that grocery store we go to every week?”

“You know me, I’m always down to go that extra mile.” Cib sits down on one of the kids’ desks, because he’s not about to fit his entire adult self into one of those chairs, and Parker sits next to him with the cookies on his lap. “You ready to meet parents?”

“Sure.” Parker holds out the cookies, and Cib grabs a couple. “I mean, there are always a couple of problem parents, but I think most of my kids this year are great, you know?”

“You said that last year.”

“I know.”

“And the year before.”

Parker smiles, looking a little wistful. “I know.”

“I’m beginning to think you just, like, love your students or something,” Cib says, and reaches one foot out to bump against Parker’s. Parker kicks him back, unbearably gentle, and Cib can’t help but smile at him. Parker smiles back, all sparkly eyes and happiness and whatever and for an instant Cib feels horribly, horribly guilty.

He’s trying to figure out something to say when the door opens. “Hey, Parker, you- oh my god, he’s real.”

Parker nearly drops the cookies, eyes going wide as he turns to face the door. “You can’t say that in front of him!”

“In front of what?” Cib says, staring at the woman in the door. She’s a little short, with curly hair and a natural tilt to her head that he likes immediately. “You mean me?”

“I mean you.”

Parker holds out the cookies. “Take a couple so I don’t eat them all?”

“Ugh, fine.” The woman comes over, grabs a cookie, and waves. “Hey, I’m Sami Jo.”

“Miss Siedband from down the hall,” Parker adds, like he hasn’t called her both interchangeably. It’s cute. Cib’s boyfriend is cute.

“And you’re-” Sami Jo’s eyes narrow. “Clllllark?”

“Clay. Or Cib.”

She snaps her fingers. “Cib! I knew that. Cib who works at the community theater, right?”

“Uh, you know a lot about me for assuming I was fake.”

“Please,” Sami Jo says. “‘My pretty boyfriend who wears headbands and does community theater and never visits me at work because he thinks children will hate him,’ that doesn’t sound fake to you?”

“Well, how do I know you’re real?” Cib shoots back. “‘My pretty coworker who’s good with kids and ate staples because I dared her to,’ doesn’t that sound fake?”

Sami Jo gasps and swats Parker on the arm. “You told him about the staples?”

“I had to tell someone!” Parker glances at his feet. “I felt guilty.”

“Aw,” Cib says, and nudges one of Parker’s feet again. “You felt guilty.”

“I did,” Parker says, but he looks up at Cib through his eyelashes and smiles that stupid, brilliant smile of his. “But, you know.”

“I know,” Cib says, and Parker’s smile widens.

“Yuck,” Sami Jo says, and grabs another cookie. “I gotta go get set up for parents, I’ll leave you guys to it.”

Parker looks at her in surprise. “Did you need something?”

“Nothing I can’t get from Sean.” She winks at him and then, weirdly enough, again at Cib. “It’s not every day your kid-phobic boyfriend drops by.”

“That’s true,” Parker says, looking pleased. “See you.”

Sami Jo waves at them both and leaves, closing the door behind her.

“She’s nice,” Cib says, and Parker turns and gives him a Look, and Parker looks are definitely harder to understand than Steve looks. “She is!”

“You like her?”

“Well, yeah, did you see her?”

“Her girlfriend likes her too,” Parker says, and eats a bite of cookie like he’s daring Cib to say something.

“Dude,” Cib says in awe, “are you… jealous that I like your coworker?”

Parker shakes his head, but Cib is definitely fluent enough in Parker to know that that’s a yes.

“Aw, honey,” he says, and hooks one of his feet around Parker’s ankle. “If you’re gonna be jealous of anyone, be jealous of that hot grad student with the dark hair who helps design sets at the theater, and I get to be jealous of Sami Jo. Deal?”

“Deal,” Parker says.

“Scooch over.”

Parker scooches, and Cib forces himself to squeeze next to him on top of the desk. They’re both halfway falling off, but he ignores that to hook a hand around the back of Parker’s head and bring their foreheads together. “We’re a couple of idiots, you know that?”

Parker smiles. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not jealous of your grad student.”

“And I’m not jealous of your coworker,” Cib says, because he’s pretty sure it’s true now. “Because you’re my fucking boyfriend.”

“Yes, I am.”

“And I’m yours.”

“Yes,” Parker says, and brings a hand up to Cib’s cheek. “You are.” And Cib sees just a quarter-second of a smile before Parker leans in and kisses him.

[lightspren]

Year End 2017 Wrap Up

I’m gonna be straight up honest with y’all, I almost didn’t do one of these for this year because this year has sucked horrifically and I just didn’t see a fucking point. But I’ve done one every year for like, at least four years now, and it’s tradition, and I for some reason feel it’s important, so by damn I’m gonna look back on my text posts from the year and my memories of what I was doing and see what happened this past year.

Jan 2017 - Was beginning my last ever semester of undergrad this month. At this point I still thought I’d be going to grad school hahahah so much can fucking change in a few months. Started my AC sideblog so that’s cool. and even this far back (: we still see me struggling with debilitating pain (: which has been a trend ever since I’ve been doing these year summaries I think, is seeing how bad my pain was throughout the year. jfc. looks like I was struggling with some depression symptoms here too, go fucking figure. I had an interview for grad school too and we know how badly that went…

Feb - Here’s where I decided I thought i might be on the autism spectrum. I now think I was wrong on that self dx, but you know, journeys of self discovery are important and all that. but here’s lots more pain and tired and “brain not working” which was lots of depression symptoms I believe, sigh I let that get bad for a while there. Oh and then I learned I didn’t get into that grad school I got the interview for.  so yeah that was Feb in a nutshell l o l

Mar - Breath of the Wild came out this month and dominated my life for a month or two, I still love this game very much and it’ll always hold a special place in my heart, ti’s just so good and sweet and lovely. I still haven’t even really beat it LOL and I need to but. still. that’s never been the most important part of Zelda games to me. OOO THO I had beginnings of existential crises this month!! cause I was getting so bogged down in my thesis research and didn’t know if research was what I wanted to do forever and ever anymore!! isn’t that fun!! (it was not fun). but the rest of this month seems like. a whole lot of bitching about pain. paaaain pain pain. like holy jesus bitching about pain. maybe if I printed off all these posts and gave them to my doctors they’d believe I have a problem LOL.

Apr - So I had shitty dr appointments that further hurt my chronic illness identity, and then other Ongoing Identity Crisis because of not getting into grad school and wanting a job in which I could help people. this is the month I in earnest started applying for jobs; research tech jobs mostly, but some adjacent jobs too (don’t remember what exactly). I didn’t branch out very far at this point though cause I was still McFuckin Terrified. and then I realized that I didn’t want to leave hundreds of miles away for work, cause as much as a lot of the culture of southern Appalachia can suck sometimes, it’s still home, /my/ home, and I don’t want to abandon it. I know I freaked out a lot about getting my thesis done and presented this month too bc I was soooOooOOoO unmotivated to do that shit LOL like. whew. did not want to, did not care any longer, but still had to do it.

May - GOT MY FIRST EVER TICKET LOL THAT FUCKING SUCKED SO BAD. sigh. otherwise I was mostly vague as SHIT with stuff this month. I know I graduated, didn’t walk though cause I could not give less of a fuck at that point. I applied for every job I could find that I remotely qualified for that was close enough I was willing to move to. I even had a Skype interview for one, either this month or in April. it fell through, of course.

Jun - One of my very first June posts is “who the fuck am I/how do I become who I want to be” LOL so that identity crisis was still rip roaring obvs. then that time when I tried to explain disability stigma to one of my previous (cishet white male) bosses. Had another phone interview this month for another job I didn’t get lmfao. Pretty sure this is the month where I started applying for mental health case management jobs, like a bunch of them, at different locations all in the company I’m currently in.

July - So I think it must have been around the beginning of this month that I had my first in person interview? I bombed that one hardcore. didn’t stop another location from interviewing me though, and I got a second interview with them, which I then proceeded to fail because I had no prior experience. It was brutal LOL. and the new person started at my old job, and I had to start training her, and that whole situation was just awkward and weird and Undesirable. to the maaax. it was this whole ordeal too where they’d scheduled my last day to be the 28th of July, so that’s what I was planning on and like, focused on… but then it turned out my coworker got national guard orders and had to be gone two months, so instead of having newbie there by herself, they were like (to me) “hey… just wanna… chill for two months longer or until you find a job…” which was admittedly hella cool of them.

Aug - Lots of blogging about pain, lots of general vagueblogging. I did announce publicly on tumblr that I’m intending to convert to Judaism so that’s still cool, and still a thing, even if life has been repeatedly crotch-punching me so I haven’t been able to make much actual progress on it. but then, I had the interview for my current job. that i somehow passed with flying colors. And my asthma started getting worse, and I started getting soooooo so done with my old IT job, but I /got my new job/. ALSO THIS MONTH WE GOT RADS MY SWEET NEW BABY so now our family is made of me, my husband, and two kitties.

Sept - September. Oh, September. started out so innocently, with starting orientation for my new job. I was all starry eyed and hopeful for the new job because I thought that it was a perfect home for me. then I got there. started doing things. realized that I was terrified of trying to meet my new coworkers and learn their dynamics. realized I was terrified of trying to meet my new supervisors/superiors and learn their expectations. realized that in general I just didn’t know the culture of the place at all and that fucking /terrified/ me. and then the job itself, the job itself was something I’d never done before, had no experience in /whatsoever/, had no FUCKING clue what I was doing. I was a fish out of water with no bloody idea where I was going, and hoooboy. I almost quit by the end of September, I truly did.

Oct - tw: miscarriage at end of month I started therapy for my anxiety!!! yay!!!! I had a lot of adapting to work in this time too that I didn’t really talk much about on tumblr too I think. I mean I was learning a lot, I was meeting more of my clients, some even time. I was still terrified, especially of my other coworkers because I didn’t know them or understand them, but even at that, I was learning. [Stop reading if you need to avoid tw miscarriage and skip to Nov.] The other horrifically sucky thing to happen in Oct happened not to me, but to my sister. She’d found out a few months perviously that she was pregnant, at 37 years old. they’d just recently gotten all the genetic testings back and found out they were going to have a girl. unfortunately though, the baby stopped developing at 15w. my sister discovered this at what would’ve been 17w. she had to have surgery to remove the baby. she’s still recovering from this trauma, she’s heartbroken and just. very upset. I’m still upset for her too.

Nov - Last month I was doing ok I think. I was doing pretty well at work, kinda just coasting along but mostly getting the hang of things. Therapy had been helping I think; it’d been teaching me somethings, mostly only small differences but I think having someone to talk to had been helping frankly. Work was going well, and we’d decided to start looking for a house to /buy/ (realtor.com) but hadn’t hired a realtor yet. probably for the best. as it turns out now…

Dec - Fuck you, December. the good news is, my new job’s health insurance kicked in Dec. 1st. which is great, considering I got admitted to the hospital  Dec. 7th, a Thursday. the Monday prior I’d tried to pop a zit, no big deal. WRONG. it got infected. not just any old infection, though, oh no. FUCKING MRSA. so I got cellulitis in my face, my whole right side of my face swelled up three times the normal, I got MRSA/pneumonia in my lungs, I had MRSA in my bloodstream. when I came in the ER I had very low blood pressure and heartrate of 130, so I was septic. like. shit was going down. I stayed in the hospital 6 days, and they released me with a PICC line and having to do vancomycin (really strong IV antibiotic) twice a day via the line. I went back to work too early for two days, but saw my PCP on the third day and he put me off that again. /Then the chest pain started/. I assumed it was a side effect of the vancomycin, since back and chest spasms/pain are a listed side effect, but NO, apparently NOT, at least not to this DEGREE. The home health pharmacy, who I called to ask about it, called the on-call at my PCP, who advised to go to the ER to get checked for a “pulmonary embolism.” Doesn’t sound scary at aaaaaaaaaall. Get in ER, go through the whole terrifying ordeal, CT scan, x-ray, shit and shebang - what do you fucking know. I have a septic embolism. very rare. much wow. fuck me. so here I am, once again, in a fucking hospital room, tied up to IV antibiotics, at the end of Christmas day. At least they’re keeping the pain meds going now. Oh at one point my kidney function tried to drop, then it turned out I had a pleural effusion so they drained 550cc (half a liter) of fluid off my lungs (painful as fuck let me tell you). Ended up spedning 5 days total in the hospital, home now, but still in like. the same amount of pain as when I went in. Having to fight with so many things to get medicines sorted and shit. while feeling like shit too. everything is awesome.

So that’s it. 2017. That doesn’t even get into the way 2017 has sucked on a global, non-personal scale, that’s just how it’s sucked on a mostly-immediately-personal scale, and I’ve even left out some of the immediately personal ones I think. and that’s just the shit I remember LOL jesus christ. I really need to do an effigy burning of this year.

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

How I think P3D should go down pt 3.

(prev/pt 2) Wow, part 3 so fast after we had to wait 2 months for part 2? Welp when Atlus says they have new announcements planned coming up….I realized I gotta write this as fast as possible (good thing this is just a general idea/summary instead of a fanfic 8U) Plus I still have to do those (2) P5 Arena game summaries (which will be a lot shorter as I just only have the general plot, but I can’t do it till I finish the P3D thing). But yeah be this prediction right or wrong, god forbid that at least one thing in here is predicted and I didn’t get a chance to write it down (and I don’t want that to happen again so yeah 8U)

Ok so the scene opens up with a montage of the SOs investigating the city. They later meet up to debrief on what they’ve found. In the end they didn’t ifnd anything, tho Junpei, who was assigned to a museum, makes a quip “I hope this place burns to the ground so I don’t have to go in there ever again.” Aigis/Labyrs will also make a quip that she met a talking dog/cat while investigating. Mitsuru states that maybe they should rendezvous with Yu, Naoto, and Rise tomorrow (as Yu and Naoto will be arriving/free tomorrow evening, and Rise will also have a break tomorrow evening as well), she says according to Rise they will be welcomed at the studio so they will meet up there. And the scene ends.

(hey hey anyone picking up on my hints as to where the setting takes place? 8U)

The next scene is a montage happening over at Ni’s side, where she is running around yet again (going from training, to teaching lessons, to showing off assignments, doing coffee runs, to even taking up new assignments cause her fellow coworkers are like “ehhh you can do it better anyways, btw I need it by next week”) She has an energetic smile on her face as she accepts each request, tho you can hear in her voice get a little more tired each time. At the end you hear her mumbling about still not getting the letter. The scene ends, ending day 3.

(ok ok, phew set up is about done guys I swear, now we’re getting to the catalyst that starts off what’s going to lead into the dance battle shadow stuff I swear ;w; )

 The scene opens up with Ni feeling a lot more upbeat. She states she has a good feeling that her letter will arrive today (she also arranged her mail to be delivered/forward to her at the studio as opposed to her apartment that day). Everything is going great at work too. Later in the afternoon she has a lesson with Maiko, which goes over very well. As the leave the room they were in, the front desk secretary runs up to her and gives her a letter, the letter Ni had been waiting for. Ni, excited, is about to open a letter when a fellow coworker storms up to her. He starts yelling at her where was the stuff she was suppose to work on for him. Ni claims she didn’t have anything assigned to her by him nor had he asked her to do anything. Her internal monologue states that her coworker is probably trying to cover his own ass by pushing the blame onto her (I should note that up until this point, she kept all her negative emotions out of her internal monologues). She attempts reason with her coworker in a calm manner but in the end he pushes all the blame onto her. She keeps a calm façade but in her internal monologues she is fuming. Trying not to be shaken and to get away from the stares that her fellow coworkers were throwing at her, she darts off to a different part of the building. She begins to open up the letter (now this is where I wouldn’t mind an animated cutscene, or at least a partial one towards the end but yeah):

Ni: Finally! *opens letter* Now let’s see…. We have regret to inform you that- Ni: *shocked ellipses* Ni: *now panicked/in turmoil* W-what? I…I don’t understand….I got the top mark on the exam….W-wh-why didn’t I get in???? Ni: *racing thoughts* Nononono calm down there’s still time, it’ll just take a little longer than planned-BUT I DON’T HAVE TIME! Each precious second that slips away makes it that much farther out of your reach-But if I graduate both undergrad and grad school at the top of my class while acing the exam a few more times all while maintaining this demanding job it’ll show off my work ethic and maybe courry favor with-NO! Have you learnt nothing, this kind of thing has happened before and you know how that turned out. Padding that resume of yours won’t do you any good, they’ve already made up their minds about you-Nonono if I just work a little harder I can still do this, there must be another way maybe-THERE IS NO OTHER WAY! You’ll never get it now, you might as well end yo- (Familiar, probably Rise’s) nearby voice (which cuts off Ni’s thought process): Kirijo-san! It’s so great to see you again. Ni: *snaps out of it, shocked* What? A coworker/boss’s voice: Ahhh, Kirijo-san it really is a pleasure for you to come by, may I give you a tour? Mitsuru: No that is quite alright, Kujikawa can show us around just fine I believe. Rise: Ahhh yeah I think I can manage that. Ni: *still shocked* No way….*as if possessed she slowly starts to walk towards the voices that are around the corner* Ni: *thinking* No way…so….so soon? Junpei: *whose voice starts growing closer* Well let’s get this tour going Rissette! Here I’ll lead the wa-AHRG! *junpei had rounded the corner and slammed into Ni* Junpei: Nnnnggg HEY! Why don’t you watch where your go-oh! Oh um, sorry about that Miss. Ni: *looking down at her butt and rubbing it, thinking* Ow, hey you were the one running indoors….. Aigis: Junpei-san, I believe this was all your fault. I think you need to apologize more properly. *leans down with her hand out* Hello, can you stand? Ni: Hm? *slowly looks up and meets Aigis’ eyes* Ni: *gasps as intense fear and panick flood her eyes* Aigis: *finally looking into the girls’ eyes, matching her intensity with her own confusion* H-huh? Ni: *we see flashes of fire and a wrecked car flood her mind, with a far off blonde figure amidst it all* Ni: *starts to back away like a cornered animal* No..NO! STAY AWAY! *starts to scramble to her feet* I DON’T WANT TO DIE! *runs off* *The rest of the SOs plus Rise round the corner wondering what the fuss is about* Yukari: What on earth was that?! Junpei, what did you do? Junepi: I-I didn’t do anything damnit! Akihiko: W-who cares let’s just go after her! *everyone starts to run off after her but Aigis* Aigis: That girl….where have I….? *shakes it off and runs after Ni as well*

Back to Ni, we see her running through the halls frantically (even passing by Maiko on the way). She ends up near a private bathroom and flings herself into it and locks the door. She leans over the sink, she’s starting to visibly sweat. Her mind keeps flashing between Aigis, Mitsuru’s name, the fire-y car, the rejection letter, and it just keeps going around and around faster and faster (as this also happens, it flashes to the SOs who are still chasing after her, but now the world is flashing between the normal world and the Dark Hour at a rapid pace) until it’s broken by someone placing two hands on her shoulders. The problem is that the hands are coming from in front of her, you know…..where there is a sink and a wall…and a mirror. She slowly looks up and sees the disembodied arms leading to the mirror where supposedly her reflection is. Her reflection looks at her, eyes turning yellow, with a twisted smile. “Oh you poor child….. You’re hurt, so so hurt. Those horrible people…..but don’t worry…..I can help you.” With that she pulls Ni inti the mirror as Ni let’s out an ear piercing shriek.

(this Mirror scene is suppose to reflect P4D’s diary-Kanami remembers scene)

Seeing that the door is locked, the SOs break it down the door to see Ni is nowhere to be found.

End pt 3

(really gonna end it there? Yeah well the next one or two parts I’m gonna blast through and it’ll be even more summarized so yeah…trying to finish this before March 26 so yeah sorry ;w;)

pt 4

[billssefton]

intervening with a bullying coworker, my colleague runs a snack shop from her desk, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How can I intervene with a bullying coworker?

I work in a small organization where everyone knows each other. Just down the hall from me is a shy, somewhat awkward colleague who works in a different area from me. He is very sweet and does his job well, from what I can tell. Let’s call him “Clark.”

Clark’s boss reminds me of the popular boys in high school — confident, bro-ish, and generally relaxed. Let’s call him “Brad.” Brad frequently makes little jokes at Clark’s expense, sometimes at staff meetings in front of everyone. Clark tries to shrug it off as if it were friendly teasing, but I find it really inappropriate. Yesterday, after a conversation with Clark, Brad poked his head in my office to say something sarcastic about how nice it must be to be situated near Clark, which he certainly would have heard, being in such close proximity. I said (sincerely!), “I love being neighbors with Clark!” Brad then tried to play it off as if he had been sincere, too.

I really want to say something to Brad about his treatment of Clark, but it’s awkward because, while he is not my supervisor, he is certainly higher than me on the office hierarchy. I would go to HR, but we don’t have a dedicated HR department. We have been instructed to bring any HR issues we may have … to Brad. Is there any way I can have a conversation about this? Or perhaps intervene more vehemently when Brad says something unkind?

Brad sounds like an ass. A few options for you:

* Look visibly shocked in the moment — let Brad see on your face that you’re repelled by his comment. “Wow” can work similarly. * Call it out: “That sounded really mean! I’m sure you didn’t mean it that way.” * Feign confusion: “What do you mean by that?” (This can be a good way to deal with bigoted “jokes” too; the idea is that you pretend not to get it, so the other person has to spell out exactly what a jerk they’re being.) * Continue making a point of saying nice things about Clark, like you did last time. Brad is assuming you’ll agree with his take on Clark; make it clear that you don’t.

If you know Brad well and have good rapport with him, you could also say, “What’s up with the way you talk about Clark? It seems so unkind, and that’s not like you.” (You can say that even if it is like him. People often want to live up to other people’s images of them.)

Also, you might help Clark simply by going out of your way to be friendly to him. Say hi to him in the morning, ask how his weekend was, and so forth. Sometimes you can counteract the crappiness of a Brad by directing genuine warmth toward his target.

2. My coworker is running a snack shop from our work area

For two weeks, my employer ran a fundraising challenge where we were split into teams and whatever team raised the most money for a charity won a catered lunch. Most teams raised money via raffles or by selling stuff. The woman who sits near me, with an empty cubicle in between us, bought tons of soda and junk food from Costco and sold it during the challenge, with the proceeds going to the charity. She kept the merchandise in the empty cubicle between us.

It’s been two weeks since the challenge ended. Money was sent to charity, and the winners received their lunch. However, this employee keeps selling soda and junk food on the down-low. The prices are about half of the vending machines so she stays busy. This is lot of traffic in and out of my area. Since the fundraising is over, I am assuming the profits are going straight to her, and my patience for the regular disturbances are wearing thin. My area has become a de facto snack bar. Besides, there’s a “cliquey” factor as the woman selling this stuff and her friends discuss who should be “invited” to buy from the “snack shop.” Their department manager is tasked with running two departments at the moment and totally oblivious at the moment to this. Am I wrong to be annoyed by this and should I report it to management?

No, that sounds annoying.

If she’s at all approachable, can you try saying something to her? It doesn’t have to be a big thing — just something like, “Hey, I know you’re trying to sell off all that Costco stuff. It’s getting pretty disruptive to have people coming over here to buy things so frequently — any chance you can move it somewhere else or otherwise minimize how often it’s drawing people over here?”

But if she’s known to be defensive or your sense it that she won’t be receptive to this, or if you try it and it doesn’t work, then whether to go over her head depends on how distracting the flow of snack buyers is. Is it messing with your ability to focus on work, or is it more just annoying? If it’s affecting your ability to focus, then yes, you could say something discreetly to her manager, framing it in terms of the disruption it’s causing in your space.

(Or you could start a competing snack bar selling higher-quality snacks, and take advantage of the steady flow of customers already in your space. I hope you decide on this option.)

3. Can I mention that this hiring process seems awfully long?

I’ve been in contact with a former employer about a new position they wanted to hire me for. After some HR processes they needed to go through, I was told about a month ago that they were going ahead with their plan to offer me the position and that the “new process” takes longer. I reached out two weeks later to check in on the status and see if there was anything else they needed from me and was told to hold tight as they were still waiting for the offer letter to be approved. Today I got an email from my fomer/soon-to-be grandboss saying it is still in process and as soon as he gets the approved offer letter he will contact me.

I don’t doubt the job offer, and having previously worked there know that this is not reflective of the non-hiring aspects of the organization, but this is a little ridiculous – isn’t it? I am not even sure how to respond to the email because I’m feeling a little frustrated by how long this is taking. Is it appropriate to give feedback on my hiring experience, and if so, when? (The job and pay and benefits are more than I could ever hope to make by applying elsewhere, and I’m currently in a job I can’t wait to quit.)

It’s something you can mention after you’re already working there and some time has gone by, if you see that it’s now typical for them. But you’re not really in a position to push them to move faster now, unless you get another another offer you need to respond to or something else comes up that will create timeline constraints on your side. “I’m really eager to leave my current job” isn’t really enough in this context.

That said, because you used to work there, you have a little more leeway than if you didn’t. It’s possible that you could say something like, “Would it be possible for us to finalize the offer by next week? I’m being asked to commit to some longer-term projects here and am uneasy about saying yes or no while my discussions with you are still up in the air.” (I wouldn’t recommend that if you didn’t have a previous work relationship with them though.)

4. How can you work without a contract?

My question is more of a general one that I keep asking myself when I read your blog: How is it legal/possible to work without a contract?

I am European, so the very idea that you would go to work without things like working hours, pay, overtime compensation, rules for sick leave, paid leave, notice periods, etc. being written down in a contract is baffling (and somewhat anxiety inducing). How can anyone be sure they ever get treated fairly? Couldn’t companies just do a 180 and suddenly cut your benefits, paid leave, change the rules for sick leave, etc.? I am just utterly fascinated by this because it’s so culturally different that I genuinely have trouble computing the concept. Isn’t that an incredibly stressful way to live? Can you ask for a contract even if no one else has one?

It’s actually pretty common for the stuff you named to be written down. It’s just in an offer letter or an employee manual (or in the case of overtime pay, in a law) rather than in a contract. Since it’s not in a binding contract, an employer can change it at some point in the future (but not retroactively), but changing it is normally a very big deal that doesn’t happen often. In theory, yes, a company could suddenly announce that they’re cutting all those things — at which point you would need to decide if you still wanted the job under those new conditions. (And again, this can’t happen retroactively, so you’d have a chance to say “no thanks, I’m out of here” before the changes went into effect; you wouldn’t just suddenly learn that you earned a different wage last week than what you thought you were being paid.) But in practice, employers don’t typically change those things willy-nilly; if they did, they’d lose their good employees and have trouble attracting new ones. That’s not to say it never happens, but it’s not the norm.

And no, you can’t usually ask for a contract in most jobs, unless you’re very senior or seriously in demand. They’re just not a common part of the employment landscape here (at least not in most fields).

5. Talking about a work gap to my new colleagues

After finishing grad school, I had a two-and-a-half-month internship, then had about a six-month gap of applying for jobs before I was finally hired. I really like my job, but am now wondering — how do I talk about that gap with my new colleagues? I’m not ashamed of it — I know that sometimes job searches just take a while, and I worked really hard to send out lots of applications and make sure I was able to pay rent during that period. But now, how do I talk to colleagues about this gap? Is it weird that I don’t have a better answer to “so, what have you been doing since you graduated?” Am I overthinking things? Is this not a big deal?

You’re overthinking it a little! You don’t need to give people a detailed accounting of how you spent your time during that period. It’s fine to just say, “I interned for a PR firm and job searched.” People aren’t likely to demand to know exactly when the internship ended or how long your job search was (although if anyone asks, there’s nothing wrong with your answers to those questions). People know job searches take time, especially right after school. It’s not likely to strike anyone as strange or even especially remarkable!

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intervening with a bullying coworker, my colleague runs a snack shop from her desk, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

from Ask a Manager http://www.askamanager.org/2018/04/intervening-with-a-bullying-coworker-my-colleague-runs-a-snack-shop-from-her-desk-and-more.html