#Also I totally did socialise too much get tired then go back to work

[rainia]

i log onto this site for the first time in weeks just to look at some Ashey Winters fanart as one does, and that one post has gotten like 10k more notes wtfffff gurl rip my notifs hahahahah anyways I hope you’re all doing good on here,,I partied too close to the sun it would appear, turns out 4 parties in 10 days is too much for my weak lil self and I’ve spent the last few days sick in bed o7 on the mend but goddamn. Also I was gonna post about the pd epilogue because it was perfect in every way but yeee I was too sick to post hahaha in my past life i think I was a sickly victorian child who died of the mild cold or perhaps i was a hedgehog too sleepy and content for capitalism and its dastardly ways

[blps]

Are you having fun?

Pairing: Sakusa x reader

Genre: fluff! (And maybe also stranger to why am I stuck with you to oh nevermind I guess you are nice to hang out with to oh shit I think I caught feelings) anybody got a name for that trope??

Word count: ~2.6k

Summary: Your friend’s crush has four tickets to an amusment park, and so while your friend and her crush pratically abandons you with the none other than Sakusa Kiyomi

a/n: Wow thos is my longest fic, I think Sakusa is a bit ooc in this because of how fast he warms up to you but THIS IS FICTION SO WHO CARES haha ok anyways enjoy!

///////////////////////////////////////

You couldn’t believe you agreed to this. Currently in a car, hearing your friend besides you thanking you for tagging along and rambling about her perfect crush, you looked outside the window, thinking about how comfortable your bed was and how you wished you could have stayed in it.

But of course you had to agree to your friend’s offer. The pleading in their eyes made you feel guilty if you said no. She really liked him and you were pretty sure he did too. The both of them were just too shy to initiate the first move. So what could go wrong? Well the fact that you were going to arrive at 8am on a saturday morning was the problem.

And so with your little sleep hours you had, you encourage yourself to do this and make sure that your friend and her crush end up confessing by the end of the day.

One of your worries was the fourth person. Your friend informed you that you wouldn’t be third wheeling, another person would accompany you, wasn’t that wonderful? No. Doing first interactions with a new human being was nonexistent on your list of favourite things to do. Will you and them click off and could enjoy a day together? Or will it be awkward the whole time? What if you both will not get along? So many questions you weren’t so eager to find the answer.

Your friend parked the car, giving you a blinding smile as she got out of the car. You wanted to at least not ruin her first date so you switched your moody morning self to the ‘I totally want to socialise with you’ persona.

As you got out of the car, the sun warmed your skin from the fresh breeze of mornings. You walked behind your friend as you met with what would be the crush and your companion for the rest of the day.

Your partner for the day turned around, and you were just in awe of his beauty. He was tall, more than 6’. His dark hair curled nicely, perfectly framing his face. Well, the partial part you could see anyway as he was wearing a mask. But if that mask didn’t further accentuate his beauty then you didn’t know what else will. As you got closer, two beauty marks were more noticable and that was the last straw. He just took the prize for the most beautiful man effortlessly; it almost made you angry.

He introduced himself with the most soothing voice. You gathered yourself, not wanting to make him uncomfortable as you greeted him properly and his friend. The four of you then entered the amusement park, ready for a day of ups and downs.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

You knew it would end up like this. As soon as your friend and her crush had a map of the place, they immediately left you and Sakusa alone.

It was silent between the two of you. Guess he wasn’t that much of a talker. You took a map for yourself. You were about to ask what he would like to do when his words cut the silence first.

“I’m not riding any roller coasters.”

Well, that was a really good start.

“May I ask why? Who would come to an amusement park and not try at least one rollercoaster?”, you replied.

“I hate germs and if you were aware, the seats are filled with strangers filth”, his eyes clearly judging you,” I’m sure you wouldn’t understand.”

Oh yeah his looks wouldn’t be able to save him now.

“Excuse me? Are you calling me unsanitary?”

“Considering how you touched the rotating metal bars with your bare hands at the entrance, I would agree. Do you even realise how many germs you just touched?”

His look of distaste was the only confirmation that he was in fact, a germaphobe. Great. Who would’ve guessed a germaphobe would be in an amusement park. You really hit the target for the least desirable person to spend a whole day with in your situation.

You sigh as you took your hand sanitiser from your bag and rubbed your hands vigorously, giving him the most infuriating glare you could do.

“Here”, you showed your hands to him,” there now should be 0.01% bacteria, if you don’t want to ride a rollercoaster, fine. At least let’s walk around and look for our friends since you wouldn’t gain more bacteria.”

You turned around, ready to do anything but be alone with the judging look all day. You should at least have a good time when you were forced out of your comfy bed to be here.

With your back turned to him and his face mask on, you wouldn’t have known of that tiny smirk on Sakusa’s lips.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Your plan didn’t go as well as you expected. You and Mr. Nofun were sitting as far away as you could from a bench. You were even surprised that he sat on it. Your friend ran along with your crush to who knows where and so you weren’t able to find her.

Silence once again ruled in the atmosphere. Only the faint sound of rollercoasters and people screaming were reaching your ears. You have texted your friend to meet up, you couldn’t handle being alone with him anytime longer. Maybe you should leave him. Why should you stay? You were fully capable of having a good time by yourself.

“I didn’t expect you to have a hand sanitizer with you.”

This was not the time.

“Why did you even come if you weren’t going to do anything? There really weren’t any more suitable candidates?”

You were both staring each other down, arguments ready to be unleashed when a new sound reached both of your ears.

The great rumbling of hungry stomachs.

Yours to be more precise.

Burying yourself deep in the ground was a very enticing idea right now, until Sakusa’s stomach joined in on the symphony of hunger.

With few words of agreement, you both went to find something to eat.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

You were both eating, in silence once again. Sakusa finished his bite, and stared at you until your own eyes met his.

“No there weren’t any suitable candidates. No one wanted to spend a day with two lovers at an amusement park. And since I thought I would be alone, I planned to do nothing. I didn’t know you would be here.”

Your temper from earlier calmed down, you finished your bite as you answered back:

“Well fair enough but I still would like to enjoy myself you know? You're not the only one that is forced to be here. I didn’t even get to finnish my dream and next thing I know, I’m out of bed and onto one of the most social places you could be.”

Since his mask was off his face so he could eat, which was both a blessing and a curse, you were able to notice the small smirk forming.

“Well how about you do what you would like? Don’t bother about the others, enjoy your day.”

Well, maybe he wouldn’t be a pain after all.

“You have something stuck between your teeth.”

You spoke too soon.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Aside from his comments, it was actually going pretty well. You had participated in some mini activities and won some prizes. You had gained stuffed animals, a balloon, and more unnecessary gadgets. You wanted to at least try the haunted house but Sakusa refused to go in it.

You were currently in a ferris wheel for a little break, devouring a pink cotton candy while your now tolerable partner was doing his best in trying not to touch the metal security bar.

You let out a chuckle, the both of you arriving at the top.

“I’ll let you use my hand sanitizer. Just hold it if you want to feel secure”, your soft chuckle making his eyebrows furrow.

“It doesn’t work that way”

“Here take this”, you handed him your cotton candy as you searched your bag for your gloves,” here I had these gloves since we would stay to watch the fireworks and it would be pretty chilly at night.”

His eyes reflected surprise as you took your cotton candy back and handed him the gloves. You continued admiring the view and eating the sugar, oblivious to the man besides you who wanted to calm his heartbeat and the pink blossoming coloring his cheeks.

When you were back on the ground and walking around. You spotted one of your favourite activities yet so far. The prize was a living fish and you were just so excited to win one you grabbed Sakusa’s sleeve and dragged him eagerly to the stand.

Time flew by as well as your money. Your wallet couldn’t withstand another round. You just couldn’t beat the game and win the fish. Adding on to that, you felt Sakusa’s annoyance from your back facing him. He was probably tired of holding your stuff.

You accepted your defeat, ready to go, until you felt his presence besides you. His arm extended, cash on his hand.

“Another round please.” The host prepared the booth once again, happy with his earnings. Meanwhile, you prepared to not disappoint Sakusa, mentally forcing yourself to not screw this up. You looked over him, about to thank him. However, he only gave you your stuff back.

“You are so bad at this, let me just show you how it’s done”, his gentle eyes were locked with your surprised ones. It was different from the usual judgemental and disgusted look he had.

Before you knew it, he was facing you again, but this time, he held a plastic bag with a bright small orange fish swimming around.

“Shall we continue, the others are probably searching for us as well.” He kept on walking, not bothering to check if you were following him. Snapping out of your shocked state, you quickly catched up to him, thinking how to thank him.

“Um.. thanks, for winning the fish for me, I-“

“Oh I think you misunderstood,” he smirked, giving you a teasing look, “I won this fish. So I will be keeping it.”

Irritation washed over you. But before you could respond, your name was called out in the crowd. You saw your friend jogging towards you, hand in hand with her crush. At least this day was going well for one of you.

“I’m so glad we found you! We went to the randez-vous point you sent by text but you weren’t there-” She hugged you tight before whispering in your ear, “I’m sorry I didn’t see the text sooner,” before pulling away.

“We were going to our last roller coaster, if you guys want to join us. It’s getting dark anyways, better not be separated again.”

You glanced over at Sakusa, wondering if he was ok doing at least one. He reluctantly agreed, but made an effort nonetheless.

You were walking with your friend, a little behind the others so your conversation wouldn’t be heard.

“I hope you are at least enjoying yourself”, your friend looked at you with concerned eyes, waiting and searching for signs that you would like to leave, “I had a really good time so I wouldn’t mind if you would like to leave, I can drive you home.” You knew that if you felt uncomfortable in any way, she wouldn’t hesitate to take you home safely. However, you didn’t need to go home yet, you could continue a bit. 

You considered it. You really did. What was keeping you from leaving? Even if Sakusa was a pain, you somewhat enjoyed his company. No. That couldn’t be it. It must be something else. You convinced yourself that it must be the fireworks.

Ignoring your feelings, you reassured your friend that you were fine. You would enjoy the rest of the day for yourself, not letting anything, or anyone for that matter, to ruin it.

The four of you finally arrived at your final destination. Turns out that no feelings will be ignored. The roller coaster was a lover's tunnel. Guess who’s your partner.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

It was awkward. You and Sakusa were side by side on the swan shaped boat, not a word travelled between the two of you.

You were alone in the tunnel, the smooth warm lighting meant for couples not helping. If the situation couldn’t get more embarrassing, romantic music started to play and the both of you went stiff.

That was it. Better bicker about something else than being silent. Your heart beated frantically against your chest, a miracle it hasn’t bolted out and left you. You turned your face to face Sakusa, noticing the faint pink on his ears.

“So will you keep the fish?” You shouldn’t have talked, maybe it made matters worse. In this situation, perhaps it was better to keep silent and never speak of it again. But even if that was the case, you shouldn’t make a big deal out of it right?

You were certain you held no feelings for Sakusa. He was mean, teasing, insufferable, never having fun, a germ freak and handsome. Wait no, none of that attractiveness, when someone has an undesirable personality, they appear uglier. But was he really that unattractive or were you trying to convince yourself that even the idea of liking him was impossible. 

“I won it. Of course I’ll keep it”, he mumbled behind his mask. The atmosphere was falling once again in silence, besides the music playing.

You dug into your mind to find a new conversation. Or not. Maybe it was his way of wanting zero conversation. You hated this. Your mind was in total chaos and your heart was not stopping anytime soon, it only seemed to increase.

“I haven’t yet chosen a name though. If you want to help that is,” he was still averting his eyes, not completely facing your direction.

The rest of the ride continued with various propositions of names for the fish. And every single one of them ended either with a flat out ‘no’ or a mocking comment.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The sun was already setting, the night sky was ruling above as you sat besides Sakusa and your friend. You were waiting for the fireworks to begin, the final activity of the day. Finally this day seemed to stretch out forever. You were almost at your limit, the hours of sleep you skipped catching up on you.

Even at that, you couldn’t ignore that little sting in your heart at the realisation that this was probably the last day you would spend with Sakusa. He wasn’t the perfect choice, but he stayed by your side and let you have fun. The teasing was a bit annoying, but you enjoyed the insignificant bicker. Maybe if you had more time would you warm up to him. You wanted to continue spending time with him.

Your doubts were invading your mind. Perhaps Sakusa didn’t want to see you again. After all he was mean to you from the start. Did he enjoy your company? He did follow your lead all day. If he didn’t like you, wouldn’t he just go his seperate way?

“Did you have fun?” His question surprised you. You were captivated by his eyes. They didn’t hold the usual teasing look he gave you. You couldn’t quite decipher it, but they held something different this time. But you agreed. You did have fun today.

You knew he was smiling behind his mask. He looked like he wanted to say something,but your moment was interrupted by the loud noises in the sky.

In all but a few moments, Sakusa felt a weight drop on his shoulder. He stiffened, glancing down at your sleeping form. He was surprised you could sleep with all that noise. Your features were peaceful with the colored light illuminating your face.

He let you sleep, not wanting to disrupt your slumber. He had to admit to himself, he did have fun today too.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

You woke up in your bed, your mind still urging you to continue to sleep. However you were distracted by the text you received from an unknown number. An image attached to it of an aquarium and a familiar looking fish in it.

Unknown number

We still haven’t found a name

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a/n: Thank you so much for reading until the end!

[writing-fool]

mlqc | think of you somehow

I recently thought to start incorporating Shaw too. So, here is his debut on my page! I’m currently working on a fantasy!au for Kiro, a harrypotter!au for Victor and a couple of other things. Unfortunately, those will have to wait a little, since I have an entrance exam coming up next week. I have another thing queued up for the day after this, so stay tuned!

Someone in the discord group had to help me for Gavin; I didn’t have too much inspiration for that one...

As always, enjoy!

Love,

R.

Warning(s): profanity, kinda. slight suggestive content

Victor

we all know Victor’s a huge tsundere who never learnt how to express his feelings in a normal way that doesn’t give you a headache.

i swear, why do i love him so much 

he never gets needy, or so he says he sulks when you don’t give him his goodbye kiss after handing over a report at LFG

aaaand he needs a morning kiss before leaving for work anyways Victor doesn’t get needy

you’re his little recharge mechanism though, his little charging pod i’m currently imagining a roomba pfft

even he, a magical, genius CEO, gets exhausted sometimes

it’s not always fun. sure, he’s a total capitalistic tool, but business meetings with old men who think they can earn investments while ‘subtly’ looking down on him for his age aren’t a doozy.

don’t get me wrong, Victor never loses his composure, and due to being an extrovert (he’s not loud, but he’s not a person who gets energy from being alone perse, imo. besides, he’s a good leader, so extrovert seems likely, although he has a lot of introvert traits too.) he’s genuinely good at socialising

doesn’t mean he always likes it.

you often notice when he’s tired 

when he gets home, you’ll usually be there already because your work just ends sooner on most days. he’ll set down his suitcase, hang his coat in the little closet by the door, take his shoes off, and prepare dinner

you’re probably kind of just there, chatting with him about his day while he cooks

he doesn’t allow you to work with knives at home because he’s overprotective you hurt yourself once

you might help a little, or get some work done by the table. Victor also had a piano put in the living area of the open complex penthouse, so you’ll play a tune sometimes. seems like he likes classical the most

Victor’s at-home appearance is a little different from his usual one. he still looks pretty clean and put-together, but he sheds his blazer (and vest) and socks. you two have matching slippers, so Victor wears his grey slippers with little cat faces on them (you have little beige slippers with dog faces on them)

when cooking, Victor rolls up his sleeves or switches to a v-neck sweater (during winter). his hair’s a bit fluffier than it usually is. all in all, a relaxed look.

after dinner, he’ll disappear for a little bit, doing some work before he it gets too late because he wants to spend time with you

usually, you’re lounging on the couch, reading or watching tv unless there’s a deadline then you’re a total mess working until late at night AND VIC HATES IT

he’ll come back into the living room from his home office, come up behind the sofa and just hug you while leaning down

“Hey handsome, you tired?” you ask. You reach your hand up, scratching the soft hairs at the nape of Victor’s neck while a relieved sigh passes through his lips.

Victor moves to the couch with you, and you know he’s Done with work for the day. he doesn’t even say anything, just relishes in your presence

he gets a bit touch-starved on occasions like these, so he’ll sit on the sofa and just pick you up and plop you on his lap. 

but like, in a koala way. that makes very little sense, huh. you’ll be straddling him, pressing your chest up against his and put your chin on his shoulder. your hands are around his neck and his are somewhere around your waist. 

you just sit there, maybe kissing a little, most likely pressing little kisses on each other’s collarbones/neck no hickies because you guys are pretty important people with quite the image well, can’t say it never happened before though, can you~

Victor’s totally in his safe spot here, so if he does say something in this moment, it’s not some guarded/sarcastic comment. he’s vulnerable and honest, so “I love you”s are not rare at all here. 

he might purr if you scratch his head. maaybe. don’t ask whether author Ré sees Victor Li as a cat...

10/10 Victor will carry you to bed like this. brush your teeth before because there’s no way this man is letting you go. 

Lucien

uhh to this day, i don’t think anyone really knows the extent of Lucien’s thoughts

like, in a sense, he’s a lot more guarded than, say, Victor, but they do say the best lies are ones shrouded in truth so the feelings he shows outwardly may actually resemble his actual ones atm

so...i wouldn’t say he gets very needy at all. not according to the standard definition, anyways

if he wants a kiss, he steals one from you. if he wants a hug, he’ll fluster you by backhugging you. if he wants to make out, he’ll push you against the nearest surface and steal your breath away. if he wants something more, he’ll make sure to rile you up until you’re in the mood for ehem. my fingers must’ve slipped...

Lucien’s modus operandi is definitely ‘take what i want when i want it’ in your relationship WITH CONSENT. HE’S NOT AN ASS.

he comes on strong, he’s smooth and he’s devilishly handsome. as a result, he’s often initiating any affection you guys have. 

so, while he’s not necessarily needy, he can’t shake the idea that maybe you don’t want him like he wants you. Lucien get that thought out of your head you two are domestic goals. he was stuck in a period of unrequited love for a while, sort of, so he thinks that he could handle being the one in the relationship that loves the other more. 

but the thought of you not loving him as uncontrollably, frighteningly, irrevocably as he loves you scares him to the very core of his being. because he’s in deep. 

there’s also the factor of him knowing that he doesn’t deserve you after all he’s done. but yet, you’re here with him.

so...Lucien knows it’s childish when he drops his head onto your lap while you’re reading on the couch Lucien: *sees your lap* it’s free real estate

he pretends it’s because he wants to take a nap. but actually he wants to see whether you’re affectionate when he’s not the one instigating it. 

either you’re just too embarrassed to do so when he’s taking initiative, or you’re not all that into him. i wrote about Luci’s love language being touch, so he probably sees you not touching him as a sign that you don’t love him

i’m not saying it’s a dealbreaker if you don’t like physical affection, but it’d take longer for him to open up to someone who’s not comfortable with his touch

anyways, almost immediately after he closes his eyes, you thread your fingers through his soft hair, raking them lightly over his scalp.

“You must be truly tired, falling asleep like this. Poor Lucien.Take care of yourself, my foolish professor.” and his heart shatters in Soft™

slowly, you shift to bend down, and Lucien feels your soft lips kissing his forehead, his nose, his cheek and finally landing on his lips. he smiles in that last one.

it’s not a sensual kiss, just an innocent, loving one. and Luci realises that yeah, you’re just as gone for him as he is for you. Maybe, you’re not the caged butterfly in this relationship...

he actually dozes off to the feeling of your hands in his hair, sometimes moving to gently brush a thumb over his cheek, sometimes pulling away to flip a page in your book. 

when he wakes up, there’s a blanket covering him and a soft pillow under his head

the hazy, irrational part of him makes him jump up, thinking you’ve gone after all. maybe it was all just a dream. one too good to be true.

but the melodic humming in the kitchen and the mugs filled with piping hot tea on the coffee table tell him you’re real, and you’re here with him

afterwards, Lucien naps on your lap more often. they’re his favourite treat

sometimes, you read to him, lulling him to sleep with your voice

honestly, domestic moments like this almost make Lucien want to cry out in joy because he never thought this was something he’d ever have.

well, they did say to treasure the little things in life...

Gavin

i’d say Gav’s a good 6.83 on the needy scale

he could be a 7.91 to be honest, so he has needy potential, but this man’s too shy to be needy

i mean, if you ever kiss him or hold his hand in public, his ears turn red and he’s an incoherent mess for like 10 minutes.

proceed with caution. or not. muahahaha

i think in a way, he grew up with the notion that he was a nuisance too yes, yes, we all want to deck Gavin’s dad in the face so he’s afraid to be vulnerable and needy with you.

MC: *pats Gavin’s hair.* this bad boy can fit so many daddy issues in it

ANYWAYS, the most this baby does is call you when he misses you

“I-I just wanted to hear your voice, okay?”

doesn’t really initiate a ton of affection either. 

again, he could...but he holds back. also he’s just so respectful of your boundaries and would rather have you indicate what you like in the relationship.

honestly he loves it when you snuggle up to him anyways soooooo...

but there are times when even Birdcop completely breaks and just needs you to be there for him

Gav does value communication, so he will actually ask for cuddles if he’s THAT needy such a healthy relationship dynamic

doesn’t happen a lot, but when it does...

you’ll be at home when he comes home from a mission. he’s had a pretty intense day, and now he just wants to unwind with you

this darling sheepishly walks up to you.

and as you turn around to greet him, he’ll ask 

“Can...I hold you?”

you drop EVERYTHING you’re doing because the moment he asks for hugs, it’s serious.

cuddles with Gavin are a 100% engagement kind of thing. you can’t do anything else, you’re stuck in his arms for a while

you guys usually move to the rug in the living room. not the sofa, which seems weird, but Gavin’s a tall gangly boy, measuring at 181 cm or 5′11″ I’m using the imperial system for you guys *grumble*

the sofa is just not big enough to fit his long legs comfortably when he’s laying down, and his neck hurts 

also, it’s not optimal for big bear hugs

Why not use the bed? i hear you ask. BECAUSE IT’S NOT RIGHT.

anyways, on extra effort days, you’ll make a pillow fort, but usually he just takes a pillow, a blanket and flops on the floor

cuddle hours are spent talking. no phones, maybe some music, but all-in-all they’re just times to open up, which is kind of rare for someone so rough around the edges

he turns to absolute putty when you start rubbing his stomach under his shirt this is canon don’t @ me

“Mmm...don’t do that,” he whines groans.

“You seem to be enjoying it, though?”

“Mm...no.” you liar.

honestly in like a realistic, domestic setting, a relationship with Gavin would be one of the healthiest ones within the five boys. 

he cherishes you so much, and definitely tries his best to be open with you, even though he’s experienced things that make trusting others difficult.

because if there’s one person in the whole wide world he would trust, it’d be you. 

Kiro

needy? you mean, Kiro all day, every day?

this boy loves you with all he has and the day he doesn’t show you how loved you are and how much he literally worships the ground you walk on is the day hell freezes over.

kissing, hugging, being cutesy, gifts, matching clothing, fun outings, food. ANYTHING

to be honest, he likes being with you in general, and would probably never leave your side if he didn’t have to

Kiro trusts you enough to share his entire world with you, fully knowing that he’s taking the risk of exposing himself like this. he knows that if this doesn’t work out, he’ll never be able to enjoy his world again because you’re so ingrained in it.

but the thought of not committing to you with his entire being doesn’t even cross his mind obviously, y’all are endgame so don’t even try to break up with this pupper

he tries to make up for your busy schedules with extra affection most of the time too

but actually, Kiro doesn’t just resort to hugging you in his arms, peppering kisses all over your face and not letting you go for hours when he’s lonely although he does do this. it’s just not something he does when he reaaally missed you. 

when he’s having a bad day and needs you the most, he’ll drag you out for some hotpot at night

it sounds silly, doesn’t it? but over a steaming pot of broth with various dishes, he sees your face and he feels at home. i mean, he loves food, he loves you. what’s better than a combination of both?

you laugh, chat and be as loud as you want. Kiro doesn’t have to disguise himself in the little shop at 2 am

the restaurant owner loves you guys, and gives you free beef on many occasions

he thinks you guys remind him of him and his wife when they were younger, although he jokes that Kiro’s a just a tad more handsome than he used to be~

Kiro likes feeding you and loves how you used to be so embarrassed about it. nowadays, you laugh and accept the food like you’re used to it, and somehow, that makes his heart soar

you take the long way home, walking back to your large shared flat under the night sky

Loveland City’s never fully quiet, but at least the people at that time don’t bother him. they’re either too drunk, or too stuck in their own thoughts. let’s face it, people who have their life together don’t wander around sober and alone at 3 am.

Kiro sometimes misses being invisible, but he also knows that he’s doing good by being who he is in this life. being a celebrity is tough, but intimate moments like these do kind of make it bearable

he holds you by the waist, enjoying the view with a serene smile and a full stomach by the view, he means you for the most part

“Hmm...Miss Chips, do you know how beautiful you look right now?”

your lipstick’s worn off, sweat’s cooling down on your face and your makeup’s smudged, but in that moment, Kiro thinks you’re the most ethereal being in the whole universe.

because you’re the only one who he would want to do this with. you’re the only one who would enjoy the night with him, stranded in this strange, thick atmosphere of melancholy and happiness.

one time, maybe a few months ago, it rained when you two exited the hotpot joint

instead of buying umbrellas at a nearby convenience store, you ran down the streets, jumping in puddles and laughing your asses off

Kiro swears he fell in love with you all over again that day.

Shaw

yah...i never really know what to call Shaw’s personality

he’s kind of a tsundere, but not in the way Victor is? he teases the shit out of you when he has feelings for you, but he’s also kind of a douche about it

and he’ll probably never admit how precious you are to him also he probably thinks he doesn’t deserve you

i love this little bastard but i get SO fed up with him

this boy doesn’t even actually take you on proper dates

like, it’s either university café, impromptu graffiti trips which to be honest might be an actual date or going to a club which could be a date but when you’re in a relationship with Shaw it kind of isn’t bcs he’s there 7/7

anyways, he doesn’t do the whole ‘love’ thing very well. he’s fine with PDA, so he’ll full on snog you in the club or reach over the table to lick whipped cream off of your face last time you’re ordering a frappuccino with whipped cream 

but he does it mostly to get a reaction

it’s not insincere, but he also doesn’t view PDA as a loving gesture perse

will not be honest with his words. don’t expect it. he’s built a shield around himself and therefore literally doesn’t know how to talk to someone kindly.

but...he tries.

Shaw’s most vulnerable and needy moment is the early morning

it’s not at night, cos he spends nights out partying or having a one-night stand what? he’s a healthy, viral boy!

his one-night stands never saw him in the morning because he’s honestly the type to hit and run i’m sorry how was i supposed to say this or alternatively to kick his partner out at 4 am

but you’re his first actual love, and even he knows you don’t kick your lover out if you give a damn about the relationship 

it was a big step for him to feel comfortable with you...but he doesn’t regret it one bit he probably won’t tell you that though

anyways, Shaw’s groggy morning voice makes you delirious BUT that’s a little besides the point

you wake up in each other’s arms

if you wake up first, you’ll probably stare at his face for a while until he does and inevitably says “What? Am I that handsome, huh?” secretly thrives off of your compliments 

if he wakes up first, he’ll probably wake you up by tickling you or touching you in some way ehem innocently Minor made me clarify it

any way it happens, you guys participate in some good morning spoonage

Shaw loves burying his head in your neck to press kisses and love bites there, smell your scent and hide the blushing face that is so very rare

finally one thing the brothers have in common

he’s aware he’s being a little too sappy for his own liking, but it feels wrong to ruin the morning mood with a snarky comment when you look so soft under the beams of sunlight flooding his bedroom

so he says nothing, and keeps you wrapped in his arms

in a moment of serene bliss, you hum and say “I love you.” 

as a response, this boy squeezes you a little tighter, buries his head a tad deeper in the crook of your neck

“Shut up.”

you know him well enough to know he’s feeling embarrassed, so you wriggle out of his grasp and turn around

Shaw whines a little when he’s forced to loosen his grasp

you look straight at his face, finding him even cuter when his mischievous smirk is replaced by a pouty scowl

“I love you, I love you, I love you I love you I love you love you loveyouloveyou,” you repeat, watching his face grow redder and redder

he groans audibly. “Shut up!” but he can’t help but smile at your gleeful giggles

“What? I do! I love you so much, Shaw.”

he kisses you to shut you up, but it’s not one of those fast, rough, wild kisses

it’s...tender. 

he cradles you in his arms, trying to convey how he feels through a kiss

“‘Love you,” he mutters against your lips.

“What was that?” you tease him.

“Nothing.”

“Aw, come on! One more time?” 

“Nope.” yup, he tries. 

I’ve been doing a lot of picture editing for all of my posts...but I think these will be the official ‘character separators’ since I don’t have the energy or will to make new ones for every fanfic...post banners are still a thing for every post though.

[spnwatch]

Season 2: The Rankings

Whew. Oh boy.

They were still puttering about in season 1 to an extent. But now? Now they’ve really hit their stride. This season was a veritable chocolate box of delights and I ate my way through it. The overall myth arc was kind of nonsensical, but that emotional throughline? Christ. Spn buries SO MUCH emotional complexity into its leads, and they cashed in every cent in that two part finale. It packs one hell of a punch. And yeah, okay, I knew the broad strokes, the twists and turns. It’s hard not to be spoilered for a season of tv that aired over a decade ago. But reader! It mattered not!! I. Still. Wept. That’s when you know it’s the good kush.  1.) 2x12: NIGHTSHIFTER. This one just snagged the top spot by merit of its sheer ambition. Supernatural often feels like a very empty universe to me, just two guys and one car drifting from place to place. Which is fine, it makes for compelling TV, but they totally flipped the script here and this episode really dazzles precisely because of that contrast. It’s a huge, cinematic episode, a metropolitan setting full of uncontrollable elements, and it’s great to see Sam and Dean so profoundly vulnerable. The outside world is pressing up against the windows. They have sniper dots trained on them! They are, literally and figuratively, out of their depth! We’re not in Kansas any more, baby. God, I haven’t even mentioned the supporting characters. The entire mandroid rant deserves an Emmy. Victor Henrickson’s entrance! Heist movie antics! Agh!  10/10  

2.) 2x07: THE USUAL SUSPECTS. Again this episode was a cut above precisely because it showed us what the brothers look like from the outside: sketchy as all hell. It’s so good when reality ensures, because it’s great to be reminded they lead objectively insane lives! Through Linda Blair’s eyes we get to see just how unknowable, feral and amoral they appear to the eyes of polite society. Put under a microscope like this, they’re scary guys! They’re just not socialised like normal people. They don’t really care about being arrested, or about the felonies. Getting arrested is an irritant above everything else. They’re still working the case from the inside. They’re professionals; excellent liars, and totally in sync with each other. The handwritten notes they pass, like delinquent school kids! A delight! The thrill lies in watching Blair slowly unwrap their strange logic, and unravel the mystery of both the brothers and the ghost. Ugh, what a great perspective shift. I’m 100% here for it. 10/10 

 3.) 2x09: CROATOAN. Ugh, this setting. Small Town Gothic, complete with eerie mist, hostile locals and creepy Stepford vibes. Sam really shone in this episode. He’s so soothing and giant, and it made his suffering at the end all the more devastaing. The real reason this episode ranks so highly is their conversation in the surgery. It just killed me. Dean’s sheer, bone-deep exhaustion, his admission that he’s tired of the life. Sam’s despair, because he knows Dean won’t leave. The performances were so steller. I can’t even really think too deeply about it because it makes me too crazy. 10/10  

 4.) 2x21: ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE: PART ONE. I loved this finale so much more than the finale in Season 1, LOL. It might just be because I’m more invested now, who knows. The opening of this episode is a piece of art: Boston playing on the car stereo, the rain, the small cafe, the lighting. Gorgeous. I love when they have to interact with ordinary people! It adds so much: texture, humour, personality! It draws things out of Sam and Dean that we just don’t see when they have each other to bounce off of. It was so good to see Ava and Andy again. “I just woke up in freakin’ Frontierland!” The gang’s all here, folks! This episode would rank higher, but recieves minus points for the long boring speech the demon gives Sam, and killing off the first gay in the show 0.2 seconds after her introduction. Anyway. The ending of course unzipped me; Dean cradling Sam’s dead body, muttering “It’s okay, it’s not even that bad.” The elation of their reunion, so devastaingly cut short! Sam, twenty two years old, bleeding out in the mud. The sheer, hopelessness of it all. The horror. My notes for the end of the episode simply read: “Dean oh Christ. Oh my God. Oh no.” It’s just one of those scenes that stay with you long after the credits start rolling. 9/10   

5.) 2x20: WHAT IS AND WHAT SHOULD NEVER BE. I never thought I could be so profoundly upset by watching a man happily mowing a lawn. Dean’s trauma over the loss of his mother has undercut the whole show up until this point, and here it bursts to the fore. What really got me was the simplicity of it all. Just a sit-down dinner, an engagement. A beer on the porch. Fuck, he deserves it. He deserves everything. All the performances were great, they really served to show there’s a whole life in these AU characters. The fact it wasn’t all perfect was bizarrely more devastating. AU Sam’s weird straight hair and dorky jacket sealed the deal for me, as did his baffled terror in the warehouse. But even here, with no training and no idea what’s happening, he gets into the Impala! Because that’s his brother! Because I’m a huge baby I had to remove points because of how upsetting I found Sam’s quiet hostility towards Dean, HA. But that’s really just a testament to how well-realised their dynamic has become by the second season. 9/10  

 6.) 2x15: TALL TALES. Every single thing Sam does in any of Dean’s memories. Also alien slowdance set to “Lady in Red.” Also Bobby breaking them up like they’re petulant children. Gold, all of it gold. 9/10 

 7.)  2x11: PLAYTHINGS. So I’m a slut for a cool setting, obviously. Turns out, Supernatural did The Haunting of Bly Manor fifteen years ago. The swimming pool! The attic! Creepy dolls! The weird little playground! This episode has it all! I loved the saga between the ghost sister and the old lady, which would honestly make a killer movie in its own right. But I’m digressing. The main star of this episode was, of course, Dean’s profound and escalating sexual insecurities. “Well, you are kinda butch. People probably think you’re overcompensating.” FATALITY. I would’ve placed this one higher but the weird incestuous undertones kinda squicked me out... however, I did think we were meant to be creeped out by it, which is more than I can say for some other uh. Instances. It was, after all, beautifully paralelled at the end with the two sisters reuniting in death. “I can’t leave here, and you can’t leave me.” SHUDDER. Also, honestly, can Sam have one (1) breakdown on his own without Dean’s own emotional baggage taking over? Older siblings, smh. 9/10

8.) 2x22: ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE: PART TWO. This one ranks lower than part one purely because I thought the yellow-eyed demon’s overall plot was kinda nonsensical, and I cared not for John’s weird deux ex machina moment. Like do you expect me to feel sorry for that bitch? I don’t! Anyway, that being said, let’s move on to Dean’s eyes in the junkyard when Bobby asks him, “do you have that low an opinion of yourself?” They’re so flat. So dead, like a shark’s. He doesn’t need to say anything back, because it’s all over his face. That non-expression says it all. This is the culmination of the emotional arc that began with his savage beatdown of the Impala in episode 2x02. To call it survivor’s guilt wouldn’t even begin to cover what Dean goes through this episode. It’s all in Ackles’ performance; in the the way he yells, “What am I supposed to do now, Sammy?” The complete claustrophobia of it all. There’s nothing for it but to make the deal. Dean’s been moving inexorably towards this moment for the entire season. 9/10   

 9.) 2x13: HOUSES OF THE HOLY. What a kooky little episode! Magic fingers! Sam’s costcutter seance purchases! The scooby-doo placemat he uses as a makeshift altar! I love him, your honour. Obviously this episode has a lot of *~dramatic irony~* in it because of the later seasons, but it stands alone as a total banger. I was so gutted for Sam when the "angel” was revealed. So many good little Sam moments to be found in this episode. His soft, quiet little revelation that he prays every day. His awkward, earnest explanation to the horrified priest! Dean gets some great moments chasing down the would-be rapist down those dark, snow-covered streets. His speech to Sam where he explains his lack of belief is brief, but it’s a total gut punch. Rounding it off with Knockin on Heaven’s Door was just the cherry on top. 9/10 

 10.) 2x14: BORN UNDER A BAD SIGN. Ahaha I love the way Dean acts whenever Sam’s psychic powers come up. He treats him like a rebellious teen, it’s so funny. “What’s going on with you, Sam? Smokin’, drinkin’?” As if Sam’s behaviour was a) at all under his control or b) anything Dean wouldn’t HIMSELF do. Dean’s just like, this isn’t how I raised you! Truly hysterical. The whole sequence between Meg!Sam and Jo was fantastic and horrible. Sam’s huge physique is never threatening, but it really was in that moment. The interplay between them was totally spine-tingling. Meg’s impression Sam slowly crumbling away over the course of the episode was so compelling and I’m sure it will be a really fun rewatch now I know the *twist*. 9/10  

Favourite lines this season: 

The way Sam says “black cat’s bone” in 2x08

“You’re not gonna go kill somebody because a ghost told you to, are you insane?!” - Dean, 2x13

“Dean, this is a very serious investigation, we don’t have time for your blah blah blah blah.” - Sam (according to Dean), 2x15

“I’m fine, except for every single thing that’s happening.” - Ava, 2x21 

[derireo]

I've had this in my head for a while, so I'm just gonna ask, from the winter troupe, who do you think are ummmm v i r g i n s (oh God I can't believe I am even asking this sorry omg) if you would like, you can also do the other troupes, i dunno why but I find it interesting in a way (obviously not muku or yuki if you decide to, and also, if you feel uncomfortable with this ask feel free to ignore it! you are the writer after all! take care!❤️❤️

np, anon! to those wondering, very strictly i will not include members who are 17 and under in the game here so please be mindful of that if you do not see a member you like in this post

All Troupes (no members 17 & under): Virgins?

SPRING

Sakuya

Definitely a virgin

You think he's ever held hands with someone in a romantic way??? He can't even ask someone out without quickly changing his mind before going back to ask again. Maybe when he's older and gets out of his cute baby thing, he'll get to bone, but not now. Maybe not ever? Keep him celibate.

Itaru

Definitely not a virgin.

He probably got tired of rejecting people's advances at some point and just cooly agreed to spend the night a few times. Very likely that he barely did any of the work, but still got them to orgasm; he's crazy good for no reason. Definitely really likes being the one receiving, but he's different around you though, and actually makes an effort lol

Tsuzuru

50/50. I have no idea. Most likely a virgin though.

He literally has like 3 younger brothers and juggled a lot of part time jobs along with school; I don't think he has ever had the time of day to pop a boner. His mind is so preoccupied with getting tasks done and finishing upcoming assignments that he's gonna be a virgin for a long while.

Citron

Literally no clue. Maybe not a virgin?

He's 22, and a lot of people tend to lose their virginity in their twenties so who knows with Citron?? He's awfully good at flirting with others and knows how to fluster people, but does he know how to Get Down & Dirty????? Again, no clue. Maybe he bones so well that his victims can't even say anything about it.

SUMMER

Kazunari

Not a virgin probs

Despite how well he socialises with other people, he's not one to just casually have a fling. He does think of other's feelings and how they feel about him, but it's rare for him to take initiative with someone he's interested in. Otherwise if it's the other way around, but he isn't attracted to the person that's coming onto him, he'll refuse and scurry off.

Misumi

Definitely a virgin!

He literally only thinks about triangles and food, there is no chance that he's had sex yet. Maybe if he had a character in the play that required him to be a playboy or something' he'll absolutely fool people into thinking he's been around, but his sunshine personality and tunnel vision towards certain things prevents him from having fun. Don't think he's interested in sex, really.

AUTUMN

Banri

VIRGIN

Mr. Tough Guy over here tries hard to let people know he's been around. Totally, not true. He always brags about having more girls liking him than Juza, and it may be true (since he doesn't seem as terrifying as him), but he has never gone that far with a girl. Sure, he has dated A LOT, has had plenty of girls sit in his lap and has definitely had his fair share of kisses, but he's a virgin. He dumps a girl before he even has the thought of boning.

Juza

VIRGIN

Absolutely no way could he have ever had sex. He's so self-deprecating sometimes, so that's one reason why he hasn't gotten that far with girls, plus he really loves sweets and food so that's probably the only thing occupying his mind. He hasn't even been in a relationship yet because he gets nervous around the people he likes and probably thinks he's not even worth dating anyway. He's probably a good boy though and will wait after marriage.

Omi

Surprisingly not a virgin

Shocking? Not to me, honestly, lol. Again, Omi is a people pleaser, and remember that phase in his life where he was a super tough guy ass kicker??? And rode motorcycles (from what I can remember)??? Of course this man is gonna be a chick magnet, and Of Course I am willing to let him choke me. So, yeah, he's probably fucked once or twice during that time in his life, but once he got into Mankai, abstinate.

Sakyo

Not a virgin, but he'll definitely fool you into thinking he is.

What do I mean? Why, I'll tell ya. He's got a stick so far up his ass sometimes that you can't help but wonder if he's sexually deprived. Like 31 years without getting your dick wet? Absolutely tragic. Anyways, nah, he definitely has a body count higher than 3. May have been quick flings considering he used to work a shady job and got high off the thrill, but he only focuses on Mankai now.

WINTER

Homare

Maybe

He did have a girlfriend at some point, but I don't know how far he would have gotten with her. It seemed like she was so annoyed with him and his lack of emotion that they probably didn't get too far. He is quite the notorious poet though, so maybe he used to have a few groupies??? Is that possible??? Do u think Rupi Kaur has groupies???

Hisoka

. . . Maybe

With his vague storyline about being a spy prior to his amnesia, the only reason I can give for him not being a virgin is solely because he had to have sex for a mission. Like how James Bond has sex with the enemy or something and then gets all the intel of the evil organisation he has to go against (never watched any of the movies). Otherwise, he's a virgin in his life as Hisoka.

Tasuku

VIRGIN

Doesn't care about men or women; too preoccupied with working out and acting that his dick never gets pulled out by someone else. Sure, maybe he'll tug one out because his body demands him to, but he never really was interested in relationships nor does he seem to be someone who finds physical attraction important.

Tsumugi

VIRGIN

Also focuses way too much on acting and working that he doesn't get the chance to. He was in a relationship before if I recall correctly, but he probably didn't have enough time for them considering he was so busy. He has also probably tugged a few out, but only because his body required him to do so. I'm not sure how he feels about sex tbh?

Azuma

NOPE

You can't tell me he's a virgin, it's just not possible. We don't even know this man's age!!!! He's probably a vampire!!!! He's probably been fucking for centuries!!!! And have you seen how well he can flirt? Super crazy. Pretty sure he's a sadist as well with how he always says he likes to be the one playing, plus he always manages to lure out the worst of the boys just for his amusement. Body Count: Out the Roof

[survivus]

@towercursed​ said:  👶🏻 punz and tadashi bc punz wants lots of babies

send me 👶🏻and i’ll hc about our muses’ child   /   currently  accepting   !

name:   Clara Hamada

birthdate:  August 17th

personality headcanon:   this child is a nightmare at first !!   she has the curiosity of both her parents,   and so the minute she learns to crawl they cannot take their eyes off her.   tadashi ends up making her an ankle bracelet with a gps tracker in that beeps when he presses a button so they know where she is at all times skdhbfsdf.   as she gets older she doesn’t change that much,   but she does become better at letting her parents know where she’s going and what she’s doing     (     but not until after tadashi called the police on her     ).

what was their first word and how old were they when they said it:   clara’s first word is up for debate.   she started speaking a little later than the other kids so both tadashi and rapunzel were on high alert for any potential words;   tadashi swears she said  ‘ ball ‘  when he was giving her a bath on a tuesday night,   but rapunzel claims she said  ‘ mama ‘  the sunday before.   the truth is,   her first word was   ‘ cass ‘   ,   aunt cass just doesn’t want to burst their bubbles.

did they get in trouble in school:     constantly,   though not for actually being bad.   she was just really curious,   and really smart;   so smart she would get bored in class and start messing around/experimenting.   she also went through an   ‘ experimental art ‘   phase which often involved spilling lots of paint everywhere,   often over her friends.   they soon learned not to send her to school in WHITE,   plus a change of clothes in her backpack.  

which parent were they more attached to:     clara was pretty attached to both of her parents,   despite her independent nature.   neither rapunzel nor tadashi would admit it,   but the person she was MOST attached to was aunt cass,   whom hiro dubbed  ‘ graunt cass ‘      (   pronounced  ‘ grant ‘   -   as in,   grandma/aunt cass    )  and it stuck.   the minute rapunzel goes to drop her at cass’ to be babysat she would squirm out of her mother’s hold,   yell  ‘ graunt cass ! ‘   and toddle off into the kitchen without so much as a goodye wave.

what was their favorite toy:      rapunzel bought her a paint set when she was three and she was totally obsessed.   tadashi tried to convince her that the   ‘ my first science kit ‘   was better,   but very quickly admitted defeat and started bulk buying non-toxic paints.   also more cleaning products.

did they cry a lot as a baby:     yes  !!   this baby wanted attention,   like,   ALWAYS.   as she got older she became much quieter   (   like between 1.5 / 4 yrs   )     and began to enjoy her independence more,   but at first she would scream whenever one of her parents left the room.

movie they watched over and over:     finding nemo;   she didn’t care that it was old by the time she was born she was just  O B S E S S E D  with the lil fishies  !!!

what was their favorite subject in school:     art   !     she enjoys physics as a whole but she often found the classes too easy because they are so linear.   with art she could memorise as much info as she wanted,   but it was work that made her a good artist   -   she enjoyed that.

were they social growing up or quiet:     clara loved socialising,   she was happy to chill out and play with her friends all day,   but at a certain point she would become tired and want to spend some time either with her parents or on her own reading or something,   to recharge.   at that point she would crawl into the lap of whichever parent was closer and tug on their shirt until they listened to her whisper   ‘ home now ? ‘

which parent do they take after:     both  !   mostly rapunzel,   but she has tadashi’s sense of humour.

what do they grow up to be:      after a lot of bouncing around,   just making things work and doing odd jobs,   she becomes an architectural designer.   she gets to use both art and science,   and enjoys the challenge of coming up with illogical and mind bending builds that are seemingly impossible.

three random headcanons:    

i.   she thinks uncle hiro’s robots are stupid,   until tadashi confiscates her phone and she needs one to get it back.      

ii.   despite her parentage,   her hair has a ginger shine to it,   just like tadashi’s mother.   the first time he noticed this,   he cried.    

iii.   she loves eating sweet foods,   but baking is possibly the only thing she isn’t naturally good at.   she gets incredibly frustrated every time aunt cass tries to teach her,   and it often ends with her throwing her oven gloves on the counter and storming off.   she only comes back when aunt cass brings the batter spoon for her to lick and sweet talks her into trying again.

likes & dislikes:    

likes.     sweets,   painting,   charcoal,   finding nemo,   her finding nemo plushie,   all her other plushies,   riding on her dad’s moped.

dislikes.      baking,   teachers,   being told what to do,   being grounded,   black and white movies,   cringey sitcoms.

do they get along with their parents:     yes   !   she  definitely had rebellious phases,   but for the most part she’s really close to tadashi and rapunzel and will often call them to catch up or just hang out with them in the city for no reason other than she misses them.

faceclaim:      picrew here  !

[yyxgin]

no bar!! never fret about replying late. i know what it’s like to not want to talk to anyone. honestly. i won’t call it (my experience) a depressive episode bc one of my friends used to brush off me when i was saying things like i’m depressed and say ‘sad’ instead. like if i were to say ‘that made me/i am depressed’ she’d say something like ‘oh god same! like if it’s making you sad,, don’t do it.’ which is a v poor example of what she did but i never called it depressed after that bc she pissed me off n was disregarding of my feelings (even though she’s incredibly anxious herself) bc i didn’t get it officially diagnosed. idk if you’ve ever read about birth control pills but i always read on tumblr people calling them literal depression pills and i ignored it, thinking either 1) people were being dramatic / were over-dramatising it or 2) it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. it fucking happened and they were not being dramatic. i was never happy n always working on minimal sleep n making self depreciating jokes all the time bc it was the only way i could cope with my thoughts n constant mood swings. so what i’m trying to say is,, i know how it feels. if that’s any consolation. it’s not me trying to be ‘oh me too!’ or ‘mine was worse than you’ it’s just me being understanding n telling you it’s okay. also lemme at your friends!! i’ll stomp them out n get the barman to run them over for you!! they’re so mean to forget you!! i find that deciding i want to do something specific n then asking the appropriate people if they want to do saïd thing/place works for me. it can be a simple ‘we should do this, when are you free?’ helps. making it known that you want to do things helps. or aggressively remind them that it’s nice to be asked bc it means they thought of you even if you couldn’t go n tried to include you. or we can revisit me stomping them out w my beloved barman,,, whatever works best for you my dear <3

admittedly me and one of the girls were discussing that we are going to miss our manager. even though literally everyone moaned about her (i feel like it’s impossible to avoid in literally any job/situation) she did have her moments and she did a lot for the staff like after work-drinks, asking the chefs if we could order off of the customer menu instead of the staff menu or whatever they cook in bulk for everyone to take home in the evening. apparently she did this a lot more than the previous manager. she has a good heart but sometimes she ignored some of the girls when we ask for days off or our availability for the week which was very annoying of her. it could’ve been a lot worse, i suppose, but overall she wasn’t terrible.

thé lady who lives in my town and drops me given the chance, told me the other night that she used to be the duty manager. i asked her why she stopped and she explained that when they furloughed everyone they asked her to come back on like half pay or something? idk i just remember it being explained as they wanted her to come back sooner and take away her furlough so she said no and got demoted. but somehow she still gets some of the furlough? idk i have been taught that asking how much or discussing specifics of paychecks kind of thing is rude, growing up. she has been telling me they keep asking her to come back (now they’re asking her to be a supervisor since she declined the manager role) and she keeps saying no. i love her and want the best for her so i won’t say anything to anyone about the conversations me and her have had (i mean, apart from maybe my mum if i can remember, and you bc, let’s be real, you don’t know me and idk you) and she says they’re just difficult to work with as a management team. she even said our area manager isn’t impressed with our current assistant manager (who is currently the only person on an houred contract since our manager left) which shocked me since i personally think he is quite good considering he has a good relationship with the staff and kitchen (he’s thai so he can communicate with the kitchen better than most of the wait staff (some wait staff are thai but mostly not)) i think she doesn’t want to be the eldest person in management or she doesn’t want the age gap to be so big since she has a kid she can lecture at home, she doesn’t need to be looking after people at work, y’know?

also today, me and one of the girls were upstairs (two floors of the restaurant!) and it’s nearing 11pm and her brother (who also works there) comes up and asks us when we’re finishing (mostly her lol) but we had two tables just sitting talking amongst themselves so she just said idk. he was saying he wanted to go bc he’s tired etc n he’s driving n she was like it’s fine go home i’ll call an uber or something n he was refusing to leave her behind. (i feel like i brushed over the two tables sitting there but it must be noted they’re the only tables left in the entire restaurant and we were the only two wait staff still there, apart from her brother but he changed and was waiting downstairs). anyway, she was sweeping (i was cleaning the booth/sofa thingy chairs as it was a mundane task we could do to pass time and while she was sweeping by one of the tables thé boyfriend was whispering to his girlfriend saying ‘should we go?’ and the girlfriend said ‘why should i care?’ and the girl came over to tell me v quietly and i got so upset for her. bc she is literally the sweetest person on the earth and the only reason i didn’t go to ask the manager to see if i could go home with the lady who offers to take me (ex-duty manager lady!) was so she wasn’t alone up there. if i had been the one sweeping near that table i would’ve snapped so fucking hard at them. i mean, we’re 18 and have lives and sleep schedules, and we’re working until 11pm on a thursday before we even get home?? like i wouldn’t have minded staying if they were reasonable tables but after the gf said that i was like ‘shall i go get our stuff from the staff room?’ so i could split as fast as possible. in the end the temporary acting manager came up and told us we could finish and she kicked the tables out ten minutes later. i told her what the table saïd and she thought that was mean and unnecessary too. i was also worried about my sleep tonight since i have my first vaccine tomorrow morning. that’s why i was more pressed about what time i left work today. oh well.

im sorry for talking so much about work! sometimes i don’t have someone to talk to about it (at home) bc of my weird hours and sometimes i don’t like re-explaining things to my mum if she doesn’t get it the first seven times. sometimes it’s just a little too draining as she doesn’t understand since she’s a lifer at her job. it’s easier to explain to my dad but then i get a whole lecture on something that i ultimately have no control over n id rather just bitch w the girls at work but the problem is WE’RE AT WORK!!!

also i booked for my first tattoo!! i’m excited. it’s for next week,, which was super quick considering i was expecting to have to wait soooo much longer. i’ve been telling people about it and that it’s happening but i haven’t had the pleasure of telling people exactly where i got the idea from. bar, my dear, you know wheein’s new album, redd? well, it comes with loads of things, including these stickers (one for each song) and the one from springtime was just so perfect and when i saw it my first thought was, this would be a perfect tattoo. and so i am having it tattooed on my body. a subtle nod to kpop whilst also having something meaningful on my body. i also have just decided i want a small, minimalistic (or one-line art) rose on my sternum, kind of in the valley of my breasts, bc my nan was a rose. i like having her close to me. i recently got her necklace fixed which has left me feeling so incomplete after it broke in august last year. it’s been almost ten years and i think i’m long overdue something to remind me of her. i fiddle with my necklace when i’m nervous which is why i love it so much but incase it breaks again (i pray it doesn’t but i have a long life ahead of me) i would like her close still.

gosh there’s never enough space in my head to remember what i want to tell you so i’ll stop here for now since i should sleep to be able to wake up in time for my first jab. i’m scared but it’s whatever i’ll do it i suppose,, eeek 😨

ilyl ~ 🌻

thank you so much for opening up to me about this, it means a lot to me :( i am so sorry you had to go through this and honestly,, i really resonate with you. i feel like when i talk about my emotions and my sadness (dont know if its okay to call it depression either but yea), my friend either always either makes me feel like my emotions arent valid or she tells me she doesnt know how to help, which is frankly, why i dont talk about my emotions to people irl anymore. i dont open up and it takes me a long long time to do so if i ever do, because i tend to feel insecure/not safe :D so really, thank you for telling me and i hope you are doing better. your emotions are valid and i am always here for you 

HAHAHA i mean i dont have many friends so theres not many to stomp on:( but i mean,, i get passive aggressive when i feel forgotten/left out so you best believe i told my friend how im feeling, but like uhhh it didnt do much. i spent the whole weekend at work and i was free on friday but my friend decided to ditch me and yeah. i havent been out in like two weeks now and i mean i am an introvert so i dont mind that much but even i want to socialise sometimes

aah i mean every manager has their flaws, no one’s perfect. my manager keeps calling me to go to work even though i was literally there for 11 hours on saturday AND sunday which means i worked for 20 hours in two days. and i work 20 hours a week at max. and i already worked some hours before the weekend so i think i have like 30 hours now and she keeps calling??? dude i need a break too,,i am so exhausted and tired of this shit :dd

oh i totally get what the lady that drops you off sometimes told you. i would feel a little iffy if i heard it too, but like,,,judge by your own experiences!! if you feel like something is off, you can always leave,, so i wouldn’t be so stressed about it.

why are people so rude ??? dude,,you should care, because we are all human. everyone has their needs and their lives and i bet he wouldnt like it if he was the one in your place. why should you stay there longer just because he didnt want to leave?? that was so unnecessary. people are weird beings and i learnt that after working with them this weekend,,,like i litereally got screamed at because i couldnt accept cash in different currency. like,,what tf do you want me to do?? i dont have every single currency with me so i could give u the change ?? tf ??

ALSO ITS OKAY TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT !!!! i also feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about work bc my parents dont listen to me as much as they used to these days and my friend unsurprisingly just doesnt care bc she doesnt work,, and i dont wanna talk to my internet friends abt it as much bc i feel annoying so i am glad us two can talk about these things together !!!! 

YOUR FIRST TATTOOOO WHOAAAH thats so cool. i love tattoos hihi dfkja idk if u already had the appointment but tell me how it went after !! i wasnt able to find the sticker on the internet but im sure it looks hella pretty. also i love how it reminds you both of kpop and your grandma, its wonderful <3 i really want to get a tattoo one day,, and i also want something meaningful (not that i am hating on people that tattoo themselves just for fun and have no meaning behind their tattoos i just have commitment issues so i want something long lasting). alSO my crush (yes i have a crush now ew) has a tattoo and it looks like satan lowkey,,but apparently its a japanese something (i forgot the word oopsies) and it means jealousy, bad past and wisdom ?? i was like BOY IF U DONT??? fjdkla he has blue hair btw i am very much whipped but he also doesnt know me and i am older than him so this is embarrassing

ALSO I HOPE YOURE FEELING WELL AFTER GETTING THE VACCINE !!! 

ily <333

[cynicalrainbows]

Six Fic Prompt Chpt 3

I feel like canonically, Cleves would be the nicest and most emotionally healthy of the queens because unlike the others, she had time and space to work through her trauma. The others... I sort of feel they’d be just about keeping things together.

Also thank you for the lovely, lovely messages about this fic! It’s so nice to hear that people are enjoying it!

She does enjoy the trout (although she also notices that Cleves, for once, does not finish her own food) but it’s still hard to sleep later that night, and so she’s still awake when there’s a knock.

‘Yes?’

‘I saw your light on…’ Anna pushes the door open but hovers on the threshold. ‘Can I come in?’

Jane nods, even though is all new territory, uncertain territory. They live together but socialising still mostly takes place in the communal kitchen, the shared living room- they’re all slightly wary of one another, the ghosts of old scars and old resentments lingering and unacknowledged. 

She hasn’t sought out any of the queens in their own rooms yet, other than to call them for dinner, (it feels too intimate) and they haven’t really come to hers either.

 For the most part.

 The exception is Kitty, who has several times turned up at her door after everyone has gone to bed to ask if she’s left something or other in Jane’s room since she can’t find it anywhere.

If the voice of the youngest queen is a trifle shaky when she makes her request, Jane does not bring it up, and she doesn’t question Kitty’s need for her hair straighteners, her body glitter, her running shoes, at gone 11pm either, nor mention that since Kitty only ever comes to her room to look for things, it’s unlikely she’ll find anything of her own there.

 She does however make sure to offer to help Kitty search her own room again ‘in case she’s missed it’. 

(Walking down the landing with the girl trailing at her side, she sometimes has to fight a bit against the urge to do more- to take her hand, to wrap an arm around her thin shoulders. She never does, of course.)

Once they’ve both given up- which never takes long, she’s taken to waiting until Kitty is safely under the covers before she leaves. 

That she always leaves the door ajar, the landing light turned on, is coincidence and no one can prove otherwise.

(She sometimes wonders if they’ll ever get to the point where she’ll be able to offer the girl a hug, if Kitty will ever feel confident to come to her for comfort without the need for fabrication: will she ever be bold enough just to ask if Kitty is alright, rather than enquiring about whether she thought to check under her bed?)

(She hopes they will. One day)

Other than Kitty’s visits though, her room has been pretty much sacrosanct. She’s privately curious about the rooms of the other queens (god knows what Boleyn has done to hers) and she can see Anna eyeing her things, her clothes, the cushions on the chair, the framed pictures on the walls, with interest. Clearly, the feeling is shared.

‘It’s nice-’ She moves closer to the nearest frame, squinting at the birds of paradise fanning their tails in intricate patterns. ‘This is lovely’

‘Thank you- it took me such a long time.’

‘You...made this?’

‘Yes’

‘You sewed this?’

Anna’s wide eyed approbation is a little embarrassing.

‘I like embroidery. Always-’ she flushes slightly: referring to her past life sometimes feels almost shameful, like she’s showing off how easy things were for her by making reference to the fact that she spent her time as queen pursuing quiet hobbies and accepting congratulations on her pregnancy, rather than in frantic prayer or enforced seclusion.

 (She wonders if it’s divine justice that the tables are being turned on her now, if her struggles are something she has inadvertently stored up for herself via an unwitting life of leisure.)

‘They said you were good but never-’ Anna tips her head. ‘That you were… you know. That good.’

Jane smiles. ‘That’s kind of you. I’m so glad it’s something I can still do here.’

‘Yeah. Harder to go hawking in Ealing. Unfortunately.’ Anna grins ruefully. ‘I like that we all got to come back with our same tastes and skills and stuff though. Even if it’s sometimes a bit inconvenient.’ She pauses. ‘I always liked riding, myself- especially at court. Felt such a relief it was something I could do that didn’t require language.’

She’s wondered to herself sometimes if it was difficult for Cleves, coming all the way from Germany, mostly alone, in much the same way that she’s wondered how Aragon coped without Mary or if Cathy was afraid to marry a man who’d already killed two of his wives…. but she’s never thought of actually asking any of them. It feels far too personal, too intimate.

Anna though doesn’t appear to be remotely self conscious as she talks: ‘I couldn’t speak more than a few words of English when I arrived, you know. I felt like such an idiot half the time. Most of the time. I could never tell what people were saying, what they wanted; I felt like everyone was irritated with me because they had to keep repeating themselves and rewording things so I could understand. I mean obviously they couldn’t say much- not that I’d have understood if they did!- but you know how it is.’

She does- she might not be the most literate of women but she’s fluent in the wordless, secret language of resentment, of irritation.

‘It sounds like things were very hard for you.’

‘Yeah, it was a fun few months..’ Anna pulls a face. ‘It was mostly just exhausting.’

She nods- she knows how that feels. (She’s tired all the time now, and she knows it’s nothing to do with the show.)

‘Also-’ Anna looks thoughtful for a moment. ‘I think I made it a bit worse….just by being very hard on myself.’

‘What do you mean?’ She’d expected Anna to say it was because she’d been lazy- because she hadn’t tried hard enough to learn English as a child, because she hadn’t tried hard enough to learn on her own while at court.

(If only she’d tried harder at her lessons. If only she hadn’t be so stupidly, idiotically happy when she was allowed to stop practising her writing. If only she wasn’t so stupid now that no matter how much she tried to practise in private, her progress was stuck at zero. If only, if only, if only-)

‘Because on top of having to deal with other people being annoyed with me, I kept blaming myself. Rather than just accepting that they were being dicks and that it’s really hard to learn a whole new language from scratch, I kept thinking that there must be something wrong with me for not picking everything up more quickly.’

Cleves is looking at her intently. ‘I wish I could go back and tell my old self that I was doing the best I could. Also I wasn’t really honest, even with my German ladies, about how hard I was finding it all. I’d like to go back and tell myself that they would have been on my side.’

‘It-’ Her throat is thick. ‘It would have been hard to do though. To admit to being stupid-’ Suddenly she realises what she’s said- that it’s Cleves they’re talking about, not her- and claps a hand over her mouth guiltily. ‘Oh- goodness- I’m sorry! I didn’t mean-’

(Now Cleves will hate her for sure, and she’ll have ruined everything, all beause she’s stupid, she’s stupid, she-)

‘It’s ok.’ Cleves smile is very gentle; she doesn’t look upset in the least. ‘I mean, it’s what I thought too at the time. It wasn’t true though, obviously. Hardly my fault if no one had bothered to teach me English.’ She looks at Jane, waiting for her response. ‘Right?’

‘I- I suppose.’

‘It sucks that we don’t always know exactly what we need to know before we need it….but it’s how things are. I got through it.’

‘How?’

‘Practise, mostly. I eventually had to swallow my pride and ask one of my laides to actually properly teach me too- you can pick up a lot through just being around a language but sometimes you need actual help as well. And I stopped caring so much about what people thought- or at least I tried to. I kept reminding myself they could wait a minute for me to finish what I was trying to say, it wouldn’t kill them-’

‘And….it helped?’

‘Well sometimes. It was definitely healthier than me telling myself I was a total idiot every time I had to ask someone to speak more slowly. I mean, I also fantasized about setting my dogs on them if they kept rolling their eyes and huffing at me… but mostly the first thing. Definitely.’ Anna’s expression is so funny Jane can’t help but laugh and Anna laughs with her.

‘Most importantly, I just tried to be more patient with myself. It’s a lesson I’m trying to teach Kitty, actually. She’s hard on herself. We all are, really.’

Jane nods.  She’s seen how Kitty looks whenever she makes a mistake in rehearsal- as if she wants to punish herself, and she’s seen Aragon pushing herself past the point of exhaustion so that the same thing never happens to her. 

She’s seen Parr’s light on well past midnight as the girl denies herself food and sleep in favour of work, she’s seen Anne forcing herself to remain perfectly still as the makeup artist brushes her scar by mistake and then quietly excuse herself, her face white and drawn. She’s even seen Anna suppress a flinch when they passed a child whinney-ing like a horse  as they played in the street.

 (She wonders what they see in her?)

‘She’s a sweet girl. She...deserved better.’ Making a reference to something so raw feels almost indecent, but Anna doesn’t look shocked.

‘I think we all did.’

When Jane swallows a yawn, they both reflexively glance at the clock and Anna gives a little start. ‘Oh my god, I’m sorry, I only meant to come in for a moment-’

‘No, it was...nice-’ She’s telling the truth. She feels surprisingly better. Lighter. 

Stop being so hard on yourself.

‘Thanks for….telling me about your time at court. It was interesting.’

‘You’re welcome. Thanks for listening- I’d like to hear more about you too one day. If you’d like.’

‘That would be nice.’ Surprisingly, she means it.

Anna stands up to go and then pauses.

‘I just wanted to say… I know we’re all sort of getting used to things and getting used to each other and it’s all kind of uncomfortable still…. But you know we’re all….supporting each other right? Even if we’re still really awkward with each other….you know we’d all have your back?’

Jane manages a nod and Anna smiles. ‘That’s all I wanted to say. And if you ever….want to do this again? The talking, I mean? My….um, my door is always open.’ She pulls a face, ‘That sounded way less cheesy in my head….’

It breaks a moment of tension and Jane is able to relax enough to laugh.

‘Thanks. I would.’

Anna grins. ‘Thank god. It would have been super awkward if you’d said no.’

And with that, she shuts the door behind her.

(It’s unexpectedly easier to fall asleep after Anna leaves.)

[lockdownuk]

Lockdown Diary Part 9

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online.

Day 241: Shit day at work. To cut a long story short, I could complete a task Sueanne gave to me and then I got it in the ear, including a snotty email ay 5:40pm. Pissed off.

Day 242: Had a meeting with Sueanne (our weekly 1-2-1 actually) and she was alright. I feel much better tonight. Last night I didn’t even have an appetitie - unheard of! Going to make up for that tonight, pie and loads of veg! A much better day. Ridiculously, I believe yesterday was all my own fault - I take work for granted sometimes and I let myself down by ignoring the urgency of a task just because it was Sueanne asking me to do it and she was a peer. She is now my boss, and I should respect that.

Day 243: So-so day at work. It’s strange how used to work I am after over six months on furlough. It’s been less than two months back but all the highs and lows amd frustrations are commonplace. Most importantly, it being Thursday, I cannot wait for tomorrow eveninga dn to kick back, drink and smoke. Spoke to dad this morning, he’s same as...that’s always good to know. Sugar levels have been a fucking roller coaster today, and it has really fucked me off! No salad at lunch due to them being so fucking high when I got back from my walk. It ended up being my tea. Sarted watching The Undoing...it’s OK. 

Day 244: Glad it is Friday. Just cooking a (very hot) chicken madras, cracked open my first beer. Gonna eat, drink, smoke and watch a good film.

Day 245: Gold was the film I watched last night, with Matthew McConaughey and it was a good choice. I then watch a Kevin Hart stand up show on Netflix...very Eddie Murphy, very funny. I did a 12 km walk today...fucking felt it in my legs. Walked the footpath from Stoke Doyle road to Benefield road for the first time. I liked it and it comes out between Lytham Park and Wakerley Close....I posted on FB about the fact that when I move to Oundle, Clifton Drive was the last street heading out of town. Saw Becks on the walk down Benefield road, She mentioned she’s tired of lockdown. I replied that I’m tired of the virus!

Day 246: Up at 1pm, nice long walk, ordered new slippers and waterproof jacket (my Craghopper is bust again).

Day 247: I screwed up at work today, went for a (ridiculously) late lunch right when I was meant to be at an online meeting that Sueanne had reminded me about in the morning. There’s mitigation but, when push comes to shove, I fucked up and now Sueanne’s on the warpath - one more slip up and it’ll be an offical disciplinary matter. 

Day 248: Suzanne wants me to troubleshoot a ticket she has in her queue, some database request for a Cork guy. It’s a test and it’s fucking me off.

I did testing for a network change tonight...8 till 11:15pm.

Elliot and Aaron cleaned the windows today. It was nice to see them.

Rita sent a couple of emails recently. Dad’s ear is all clear but Paul has got testicular cancer.

Day 249: New waterproof jacket arrived today. It’s very nice, bargain for £25 odd. Also picked up slippers from M&S food hall in Corby so, while over their, did a shop at Tesco’s...£109 mainly booze.

By the time I was back, I ended up doing my evening walk at 9.30pm!

Day 250: Leigh from Oundle Chronicle has got back to me. She (he?) has selected the photos that are going to be in the article and wants me to write a sentence on each - where they were taken and what inspited me to do so. Whether that means the stuff I wrote before is not going to be used, or not, I dunno! New slippers are OK and the new jacket is still impressing me.

Day 251: Typing on Day 252. Usual Friday, beers, meatballs, pizza, long chat with Fog. I should mention that, as we approach the end of Lockdown2 in England, Boris and his government have laid out a three tier structure for how the second lockdown will be eased. It’s caused confusion and consternation across the board. None of it affects me, still isolating like I was on day 1. Day 252: Totally forgot about my diary entry yesterday! Up at 1pm, nice long walk, nipped rong Elliots to pay for my windows, had a chat with him, Artron and Camilla - it’s so nice to socialise! Gonna make fish pie and supp a few ales. Day 253: The weekend is over way too quickly. It’s 7.30pm on Sunday as I type and I wish it wasn’t. I wish it was 7.30pm on Friday. Day 254: In a meeting, a working Zoom, with Andy Ashler in the US re: qfiniti, which Sueanne pissed me off about earlier in te day (RCI diary updated), but the meeting went well. I am desparately trying to buy an iPad on Black Monday. As usual with tech, I cannot make my mind up which to buy! Day 255: I haven’t bought an iPad....I’ll wait for the 10.2″ iPad to come down in price. I had more involvement with Andy Ashler and in the US with the Qfiniti project at work. I’m really enjoying it, it’s very technical...although I didn’t finish ‘til 6pm because of it. The Oundle Chronicle is out and an article about me and my pics is on the back page. Leigh, the editor, sent it to me electronically. It’s good. I am chuffed!  Day 256: I booked some holidays today, making sure that I didn’t include any days off in the week December 14-18 (SB’s off). So, this coming Friday (4th Dec), Next Weds-Fri and Monday 21st. I know I have only been back from Furlough a couple of months but I am more than ready for some kick-back time.  1-2-1 with SB today, it was a relaxed affair, most espcially becaus eof my success thus far with the Qfiniti project - that being said, I got pretty much nowhere with it today.  Ordered a couple of long sleeved Ts and a fleeced hoody from a shop called Doubletwo today, well cheap in the sale. I saw half a dozen joggers on the Milton Road blind bend tonight, oblivious to any other potential path user. I posted about it (in my own, sarcastic way) on the Oundle Chatter FB group. It was met how I’d expected plus some direct digs so I deleted it. Cowardly but, I figure, I don’t get my point across, the vast majority of joggers really don’t think they are doing anything wrong by bulldozing there way around town and, lastly, I couldn’t be bothered with the flak, and its tennis like back-and-forth!

Day 257: Got tomorrow off so worked late tying up loose ends, including the qfiniti project - fucking nuts really, making sure no one asks any questions of SB or the team, in terms of my work load, for just one day off! Still, just had tea, cracked open a beer and am watching Shaun of the Dead. Nice.

Day 258: The main thing I did today is walk. It was about 12km but felt much longer ‘cos it was wintry, pissing down, windy and slippery as fuck. And I really enjoyed it! Badge messaged me today to ask how I am and, in replying, I mentioned that I think I am becoming addicted to walking...it wasn’t a throwaway comment. Just cooked up a chilli (which I think I have ruined with a Knorr beef stock pot), and will tuck in with beers, smokes and telly. While it’s been a day off, this Friday evening will be as all others are at the moment, late, drunken and solitary fun - no doubt.

Day 259: Typing on day 260. That chilli last night was actually OK. Plus I ‘invented’ a meatball wrap - moving on from the TikTok ham and cheese wrap you fold into the toaster, I tried the same with meatballs but no fucking way could I fold it into the toaster slot (pissed up kitchen shenanigans), so I wrapped it in tin foil and heated it in the oven, Fucking delicious. I watched Shaun of the Dead. I think it’s the first time since its release and I couldn’t help thinking “zombies just aren’t like that [in real life]” Wtf?

Day 260: I was quite sensible (for a Saturday) last night, in bed by 2am, up at my alarm this morning, 10:30am. Nice long walk, taking in a new path up by Biggin Grange and took plenty of pics that turned out really good. Btw, posh lost yesterday at Portsmouth (with 2000 fans there) and they lost midweek and last weekend in the FA Cup to Chorley, at home. 

Day 261: It’s freezing today...actually 0 degrees. This house is so fucking cold, even with the heating on.

Day 262: Typing on day 263. Last day of work for 5 days. Beers are in order. And a sausage casserole. Day 263: I completely forgot to do a diary entry yesterday....concentrating on starting my work break off on the right foot, which I did. As a result, I didn’t get up until 1pm. So, to stop that sort of day wasting, no beers tonight. Just got back from a shop (£90 in Tesco’s), trying to sort out Romiley’s Christmas present, then something to eat (more sausage casserole) and a early, sober night.

Day 264: So, after abstinence last night, I was up before 11am and did a walk that included the track from Benefield Road to Monson Way past Park Wood. It was fucking hard work due to mud. I have lost coumd the amount of times I nearly slipped right over. Throw into that a hypo, the 12-13km walk was tough. Sorted out Romiley’s present (guitar stand, music stand and guitar exercises book). Took soime nice photos today as well which I’ve prepared and shared. No booze today/tonight either. Some break, a younger me would say!

Day 265: Friday, and I am typing with a beer, balti on the hob and I am just gonna choose a film and roll a single skinner. I am knackered. Up at 10am, cleaned the hall and stairs after a 10km walk. Also, I spoke with dad who is, as always, fine.

Time to make up for the last two sober nights.

Day 266: I am typing this on day 267. So drunk last night I left nearll a full can of beer and went to bed in my jogging bottoms and t-shirt. I have had a day off from any exercise at all which felt very odd. A few beers and watched Snatch. Day 267: While I was nowhere near drunk last night, due to sleeping in late (2pm) I was up ‘til 3am watching TikTok so today I struggled out of bed at just before 1pm. Watch the start of the season’s final GP (Verstappen won from pole and it was boring af), back on the exercising including a 9km walk. Back to work tomorrow which I feel totally conflicted about! Posh won yesterday at home to Rochdale (with the allowed 2000 fans) 4-1 including a 17 minute first half hatrick from Jonson Clarke-Harris.

Day 268: Back to work - Sueanne’s off and it’s the first day I’ve been at work with Jon in charge which involves a daily ‘SUMO’ (whatever that acronym stands for?) at 9.30am every day. I am still involved with te qfiniti upgrade project which seems to have taken a step backwards in the 3 days I had off, so I was working until gone 9.30pm! I have decided to do a quiz, hopefully for Christmas, whereby I don’t want the actual answers (to 25 particular questions, all with a common theme in the answer), merely an omitted question!  

Day 269: Stand Up Meeting Online. SUMO. Ian Bird told me. I might struggle with double Y for my quiz. Work was OK, more Qfiniti stuff. Posh drew away to MK 1-1. Posh were 0-1 up but Lincs lost at home. I can’t undertsand why that pleases me so....oh, yeah I can Steve Dee.

Day 270: Struggling to order Dad and Rita booze for Christmas without it being a Morrison’s delivery that I can do through Amazon Prime. That would be OK but it’s just a bit clinical! Meanwhile, now I am paying for Prime, and they are showing some Premiership games (for example, tonight I watched Liverpool v. Spurs (2-1), I really have to contact Sky - I am paying £71pm atm! Sam posted pic of her Christmas tree but mentioned how she’s finding it hard to get in the spirit - Paul has testicular cancer and the outlook is bleak - fuck know’s what she’s going through with all that, trying to shield Romiley from the worst without lying!

[artificialqueens]

as the stars align 7/? (branjie) - rujubees

A/N: hollywood enemies to lovers au; 5.2k - also on ao3

Brooke ended up enjoying her time in Vancouver more than she’d expected to. Life on a TV set was fast-paced and constantly busy, so there was little time to miss Vanessa or wonder what more could’ve happened between them had the timing been right.

It was certainly weird being thrust into a new role so soon after Stars, and Brooke knew that playing two queer characters so close together would raise more questions about her own sexuality, but she was used to the mindless gossip and speculation by this point.

Even stranger was working with a love interest that wasn’t played by Vanessa. Her new on-screen girlfriend was played by Violet Chachki, an actress Brooke greatly admired, but she wasn’t attracted to her despite her gorgeous looks. When they filmed their first kiss and Brooke felt nothing, she almost wanted to laugh at how she ever thought she didn’t have feelings for Vanessa, when their scripted kisses had been completely different to any other Brooke had ever experienced.

Even so, Brooke returned to Los Angeles three weeks into October, convinced that she was over Vanessa. ‘Out of Sight, Out of Mind’ had been working out well for her, having not seen the other woman for over two months, and having had barely any time to stalk her Instagram or catch up with her over text. They’d exchanged a couple of messages here and there, mostly in the form of promises to meet up once Brooke was home, but they didn’t bring up That Night, and Brooke had no expectations of it happening again.

Which she was fine with. And maybe Brooke hadn’t slept with anyone else since Vanessa, but it was just because her work was tiring and any days or nights off that she had, she wanted to keep to herself rather than share with other people. Besides, it had only been two months — hardly an unbearable amount of time to go without having sex.

It was a Tuesday when Brooke finally opened the messages she’d had stored on her phone since the day prior, having then been unable to face socialising after her travels back from Canada. She hated to admit how one caught her eye immediately.

Vanessa: Halloween Party at mine next Thursday! U better come, I know ur home then bitch. ;)

Brooke laughed, excitement bubbling inside her at the thought of getting to see Vanessa on one of her favourite holidays. She sent a quick text in confirmation that she would be present, and immediately began coming up with all of the costume possibilities, feeling thankful that her hectic schedule from the last couple of months meant that she’d forgotten the occasion was so near, and subsequently she had failed to commit to any plans for the night already. She had put so much effort into convincing herself that she was over Vanessa, but still nothing could persuade her that there was any better way to spend Halloween than in her co-worker’s company.

Brooke had a rummage through her walk-in closet on the off chance that she would find something right for the event, but all she had was last years mummy costume that had worked perfectly with her ballet training. Who was she kidding, anyway — of course, she was going to use the party as an excuse to treat herself to something new and custom made. It would be the first time seeing Vanessa — and probably the rest of the cast and crew — in months. She had to look good.

It wasn’t long before the perfect idea came to mind. She only had a week, but luckily Brooke knew just the designer who would be up to the task.

—

On October 31st, Brooke stood in front of her dressing table mirror, adding the finishing touches to her lipstick, proudly admiring her work. She had to admit, she felt like this was the best she had ever looked. The luxury of having a week off meant she’d gotten tons of beauty sleep the night before, lying in before taking her time to pamper herself in the shower, spending hours carefully applying her makeup and gently curling her platinum hair that she had allowed to grow long.

She’d decided to go as Catwoman, and enlisted one of her favourite local designers, Raja, to tailor her the perfect latex catsuit that fit like a second skin, clinging to her hips and ass so much she felt explicit. She’d decided against a mask, wanting to show off her freshly bleached, tumbling locks, and settled on a pair of matching cat ears to complete the look. It was minimalist, yet sexy, if Brooke did say so herself.

“Brooke! The car’s here!” Nina yelled up the stairs, Brooke slipping her feet into slick black heels and grabbing her clutch and phone. She checked the time, noticing that it was already half nine, meaning the party would be in full swing by now. Brooke also had a couple of casual texts from Vanessa that she’d held herself back from replying to, for some reason feeling the need to play it cool as much as possible.

“Tequila shots before we leave?” Brooke suggested as she descended the stairs as elegantly as one possibly could in sky-high heels that she really should’ve waited to put on.

“Girl, oh my God, look at you!” Plastique let out as she came into view. She looked pretty cute herself in a pink Playboy bunny outfit. Brooke didn’t know the girl well, having only had brief exchanges with her during filming, but she had seemed to form a group somewhat with Shuga, Yvie and Scarlet, while Brooke had been focused on Vanessa the whole time. She thought it was about time she got to know them all a little bit more, and the idea of turning up to Vanessa’s in a group comforted her —

— hence the gathering at her house right now, the four women ready in the hall, plus Nina of course.

There was a chorus of wolf whistles and compliments as Brooke did a little strut to the kitchen — she knew that in another life, she could’ve been a full-time model.

“Who you tryna impress tonight, bitch?” Yvie asked, leading Scarlet hand in hand as the rest of the girls followed Brooke into the kitchen.

“Oooh, Brooke Lynn, please tell us!” Nina exclaimed dramatically, as if the last time they spoke in person hadn’t consisted of Brooke claiming she was over Vanessa and Nina telling her she was nuts. Brooke fixed her with a stern glare, hoping she could put her off of pulling this shit all night, but it had been a long time since her manager had been intimidated by her.

“Oh, guys, hush. It’s no one, I’m just trying to make my LA society comeback in style, that’s all,” Brooke said with a shrug.

“Well, it’s a damn waste if you ask me. You look fine as hell tonight, honey,” Shuga hummed. “You know, if I didn’t have a husband…”

“I know what you mean, Shugs. If I were single, I’d be all over that,” Scarlet teased, Yvie sticking her tongue out at her in response. “Seriously, Brooke. You can score whoever you want in that getup.”

“Okay. Why are you guys being so nice? I mean, I’m not the only one dressed up here,” — a quick glance at Plastique’s wide-eyed face confirmed Brooke’s suspicions that something was up. “Nina. A word?” she said through gritted teeth.

The other girls scurried off into the hallway, leaving Nina to mindlessly clear up the glasses as she tried to avoid Brooke’s gaze.

“I’m your manager, not your housekeeper you know —“

“Did you tell them about Vanessa?” Brooke jumped to the point.

“See? Your mind went there even though you think you’ve moved on. You totally aren’t over her!” Nina whizzed round to face her.

“I — what? I am. Clearly you don’t believe me and told them about her — us — anyway.”

“B, look, everybody knows. It’s been obvious for months, and even now, you still talk about her in the same way as before. You guys had sex!” — Brooke shushed Nina frantically — “She wants you back, I don’t understand why you’re trying so hard to pretend you’ve moved on. Isn’t this what you’ve been hoping for the whole time? Why are you trying to downplay it?”

“Actually, I don’t know that she wants that. When we slept together, I made it clear it was a one-time thing. I have no reason to think she wants a relationship or to even have sex again,” Brooke whispered.

“Brooke, you — why did you say that? God, you’re so dumb.” Nina was shaking her head like Brooke was beyond her help and she was finally giving up.

“It was just easier. She’s so young and, like, the biggest romantic I’ve ever met, and she’s the most beautiful goddamn person in the world. I wasn’t about to try and tie her down only to abandon her for Canada a week later,” Brooke revealed sadly.

“Oh, Brooke. You’re so in love, it amazes me how you don’t see it.”

“I — what?” Brooke all but yelled. “I’m not — I’m not in love, I told you, I’m… I’m fine,” she spluttered, which probably wasn’t helping her case. “I don’t even have feelings for her anymore. You’ll see, Nina.”

“Brooke, don’t make yourself unhappy to prove a point,” Nina pleaded with her. The words made Brooke uneasy. She wasn’t in love. She’d had a crush on Vanessa, sure, but she’d never let it get that deep. Nina didn’t know shit.

“Y’all, some of us would actually like to get to this party before the clock strikes midnight,” Shuga called from where the rest of them were stood waiting.

Nina sighed before trotting off, Brooke trailing behind as soon as she could compose herself, her walk lacking the confidence she’d been full of before.

—

“It’s ten o’ clock, where is she?!” Vanessa exclaimed between nervous glances at her phone and sips of her cocktail. Time Warp was ringing through her large, bustling open plan apartment, and as much as Vanessa was proud of her Halloween playlist, she really just wanted to turn it the fuck down so she could listen out for any signs that Brooke had arrived.

“Bitch, chill, you’re being too much. She’s probably on her way. You’ve already texted her enough times,” Silky huffed at her, her iffy The Wiz cosplay making her one of the least menacing costumes there.

“And she ain’t even read ‘em. What if she wants nothin’ to do with me anymore?”

“Calm yo melodramatic Libra ass down. I’m serious, Vanj, you need to play hard to get.”

In spite of Silky’s words of wisdom, Vanessa knew she’d be unable to relax and enjoy herself until Brooke finally showed her face.

She missed her so, so much.

When Brooke announced that she was going away for work in Canada, Vanessa briefly thought that maybe she would finally be given the distance she needed to move on. That possibility flew out the window just as quickly, as after she slept with Brooke, she knew that she couldn’t just move on from her. Not now, possibly not ever.

Vanessa remembered how Brooke had propositioned her, and how she’d almost hoped that the sex between them would be bad. Almost hoped that they were incompatible, since Brooke had made it very clear that she wasn’t after a relationship, or even a friends with benefits situation — she wanted a one night stand, and Vanessa wanted so much more.

But, cliché as it was, the exact opposite had turned out to be true, and Vanessa couldn’t say she was surprised. It had been some of the best sex she’d ever had, passionate and intimate and short and sweet because it had been such a long time coming. And there was no getting Brooke out of her head after that.

After a few more minutes of socialising, pretending to be immersed in conversations but really just wishing it was Brooke she was talking to, Silky pulled Vanessa aside.

“She’s here,” Silky announced like they were in some sort of spy movie. Vanessa tried to break free of her grasp, but Silky had more advice to give. “Be cool. Trust me, if you want her to fuck you again, act like you barely even remember who she is.”

“Silk, that’s ridiculous,” — but Silky was shaking her head disapprovingly, and the more Vanessa thought about her strategy, the more she supposed there wasn’t any in harm in waiting for Brooke to come to her first — “but if Brooky don’t wanna answer my texts, maybe she does to deserve to be left on read for a little bit. Like, in real life.”

Silky frowned at that, perplexed.

“It’s an analogy, bitch.”

After a few more minutes of conveniently failing to notice Brooke’s arrival, Vanessa turned around and found the woman of her affections already staring at her, though she quickly diverted her gaze after getting caught before returning it and giving Vanessa a small wave and a shrug. Vanessa smirked in response, causing a blush to rise in Brooke’s cheeks, clashing endearingly with the sexy, badass character she was portraying.

Brooke looked so hot she made it hard to look away, but Vanessa didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of thinking her newfound presence had that much of an effect on her. Didn’t want Brooke getting any impression of Vanessa waiting for hours, longing for Brooke to show up.

Even though that was exactly what she had been doing.

—

Brooke wasn’t one for conspiracy theories or jumping to conclusions, but all night she’d had a sinking feeling that Vanessa had been avoiding her.

It started when she’d arrived, when Vanessa certainly hadn’t seemed as enthusiastic about their reunion as Brooke felt. She’d given Brooke a quick smile in recognition, and then gone back to her interactions with the group of people she was currently socialising with, barely sparing Brooke a second glance.

She felt self-absorbed even thinking it, but Brooke had at least hoped she’d come over and say hi — she’d even kind of been expecting it after Vanessa had dropped her so many messages about the party. But maybe she was just being polite. Maybe she’d had too many people back out already, and she just wanted to make sure.

Whatever the reason was, it hurt more than Brooke could fathom. She became deflated and dejected, trying not to sulk as she mingled with her other co-stars and crew members, knowing that she was probably looking like the lamest, most miserable Catwoman to ever exist.

It stung to think that perhaps Vanessa regretted what had happened between them, but then again, why should she still be caught up on that night? If Vanessa ever felt something for Brooke, she’d more than likely moved on by now. After all, Brooke had.

If one good thing came out of Vanessa ghosting her, it was Proving Nina Right.

“I told you so,” Brooke said when she finally caught up with her best friend again, at around midnight. She was straddling the line between tipsy and drunk from all the alcohol she’d been knocking back in self-pity.

“I don’t know what you’re referring to, but I doubt you did. You know I’m never wrong,” Nina replied with a smile.

“Vanessa. I’m over her.”

“And have you been thinking a lot on this night about how you’re over Vanessa?” Nina laughed.

“I mean it, bitch. I haven’t talked to her since I got here. Not once, nope.”

“By choice?” Nina questioned, narrowing her eyes.

“Well. Not exactly,” Brooke scrunched her nose in response. “It’s just… I think she hates me.”

Nina huffed dramatically, seeming uncharacteristically impatient with Brooke Lynn.

“Right. That’s it. I don’t even wanna hear this. You two are the worst communicators in the world and I’m tired of it,” — she grabbed Brooke’s hand and dragged her across the kitchen and out onto the deck, where Vanessa stood, a literal angel, glowing under the moonlight.

“Vanessa! How good to see you! Love the party, dear,” Nina called loudly, Brooke feeling like a bratty child being forced to apologise on the playground.

“Hi, V,” Brooke greeted Vanessa, warmth surging through her when Vanessa grinned back at her.

“Sorry, I have to just take this,” Nina butted in, gripping her silent phone, “after all, a manager’s job never ends.”

“How was Canada?” Vanessa started after Nina had left them to it.

“Good. Really good, actually,” Brooke confessed eagerly. “How’s LA been?”

“Same old, you know how it is, girl.”

“Yeah.”

There were a few moments of awkward silence which Brooke used to subtly take in Vanessa’s costume. She was wearing a detailed white corset and bra, huge wings, and a bejewelled headpiece, plus matching stockings that made Brooke want to stare at her thighs all night long. And maybe touch them a little bit, but that was fine, any self-respecting lesbian would feel the same way.

“Brooke, about what happened between us, after the wrap party —” Vanessa began, making Brooke seize up in a panic at the elephant in the room finally being addressed.

“We can forget about it,” she blurted out, her ego unable to handle Vanessa’s words of rejection right now. “It’s no biggie.”

Vanessa said nothing, snapping her head away from Brooke to look up at the moon again.

“Sure, let’s do that. It’s for the best,” she agreed finally.

“Yeah,” Brooke whispered, at a loss for what else to say.

Vanessa faced her again, and shit, she was a terrible actor. Her eyes were wet and had she really been crying this whole time while Brooke was unaware right next to her? Not that Brooke could blame her — she was already feeling like they’d gone and fucked up the tentative friendship that had been formed between the two of them. Brooke felt her throat constricting as she realised how much she hated this. How different it felt now.

“Good talk, I guess,” Vanessa summarised, and she was gone from Brooke’s side in a flash.

—

Brooke had decided to call it a night soon after her conversation with Vanessa, no longer in the mood for any kind of festivities. She was quiet the entire Uber ride home, and was grateful when for once, Nina chose not to pry.

They couldn’t avoid each forever, though, as that Saturday they had their first press gigs for As The Stars Align. As Brooke spent the morning getting ready, she regretted how much she was not looking forward to the day’s schedule — first a panel with the whole cast, and then some paired interviews; naturally, as co-leads, Brooke and Vanessa had been put together for all of theirs.

The panel rolled around too quickly, and Brooke found herself on stage in a line with Michelle, Asia and Katya to her right, Vanessa and the rest of the cast to her left. There was an audience of a few hundred in front of them, and their moderator was a woman called Monét.

“Hi everyone,” Monét began, receiving cheers in response. She introduced each person on stage and gave out some background information on the movie before scrolling on her iPad and launching into the questions. Brooke spared Vanessa a glance, but her co-star seemed strangely out of it. Brooke wanted to bring her back to reality, check she was okay, but she couldn’t catch her eye. As a result, Brooke missed the first couple of questions, and was thankful that none of them seemed to be directed at her. She made a mental note not to watch the panel back later and scrutinise herself for a lack of professionalism that would no doubt be obvious to her own eyes.

“Katya, I wanna talk about your decision to be involved in the creative process of the movie. What made you want to take an active role in the production of As The Stars Align?” Monét asked as Katya’s face lit up.

“This project is my baby,” Katya began with a slight chuckle. “This story is so special to me and to be honest, I don’t trust these bitches unsupervised,” — the audience laughed and Katya’s eyes widened as she apologised and asked whether she was allowed to swear.

“But in all seriousness, I did want to make sure it was done right. A lot of LGBT people, especially young ones, have told me directly how much my book means to them and I didn’t want to let them down. It’s why I wanted the diverse cast and crew that we have. Unfortunately, they happen to be horrible monsters to work with,” Katya joked.

“Speaking of monsters…” Monét grinned wickedly. “Vanessa, what was it like working with the Brooke Lynn Hytes? And playing love interests no less?”

Brooke blushed slightly, turning to Vanessa with a quirked eyebrow. Vanessa looked caught off guard.

“Lemme think how I’m gon answer that,” she teased after a few seconds. “And get your camera phones out, I know y’all be recording and tagging.”

“Please, everyone's dying to know if the diva rumours are true,” Monét carried on sarcastically.

“Working with Brooke Lynn was… an experience,” Vanessa began, earning some stifled laughs from those on stage who knew their shared history. “She’s damn fierce at what she does — if I’ve had even a fifth of the career she’s had by the time I’m her age, it’ll be a blessing.”

“You calling me old, bitch?” Brooke quipped, and the audience laughed again in delight, but Brooke had seen Vanessa smile enough times to know that her heart wasn’t in the one she was giving her right now.

The rest of Monét’s questions went off without a hitch, but when they directed the line of enquiry to journalists in the audience, Brooke felt a sinking feeling in her stomach at the unpredictability of it all. One of the paparazzi introduced himself as being from Fox News, and Brooke wondered how she was going to pretend to be nice to this man.

She’d expected casual sexism or homophobia, but she almost threw up a bit at the actual words that the words left the reporter’s mouth.

“Brooke and Vanessa, we’ve had many inside sources claim they saw you both enter the same hotel room on the night of the wrap party. What I want to ask is, is there any truth to the speculation that the two of you are romantically involved?”

Monét had to hush the rumblings of the audience, giving Brooke a few extra seconds to think on her feet. Vanessa looked horrified (which Brooke would’ve taken offence to if she didn’t feel so bad for her) and was choking on air, most likely thanking her luck that they had been saddled with passing a few microphones around rather than wearing them.

“Brooke, Vanessa, feel free not to answer that. I’m speaking to the management about vetting as soon as this is over,” Monét said, only half kidding.

“It’s okay. Vanessa and I aren’t together, but wouldn’t that be quite the story?” Brooke replied, the words tasting like salt. “However, she has become a very good friend of mine, and, um, she deserves the world. All the amazing humans on this stage do.” The audience aww-ed and ahh-ed, touched.

“Y’all heard me earlier, I wouldn’t be caught dead with her senior ass,” Vanessa exaggerated, Brooke laughing despite the joke made at her expense, gratefully that Vanessa was able to lighten the mood.

After another twenty minutes of audience questions, thankfully none as invasive as the first, they departed the stage and took a lunch break before their upcoming afternoon of paired interviews. Everyone ate together at a big table, Vanessa sat a few seats down from Brooke, and she was still being unusually quiet.

Brooke hated not hearing her loud voice soaring above all the rest.

—

Vanessa’s Halloween party had not gone to plan.

She had envisioned it so well — Brooke would arrive just as Vanessa was a couple of drinks in wearing a bomb costume; they’d lock eyes from across the room and the spark would be reignited. They’d spend all night catching up, just the two of them in their own corner, and maybe one of them would make a move.

Maybe she’d had her hopes too high expecting a grand love declaration or a kiss that swept her off her feet, but she thought Brooke would at least be down to continue whatever they started. Instead, her day had ended with Brooke telling her that she wanted to pretend that night had never happened.

Vanessa was fucking crushed.

She had never experienced heartbreak, not really — her only relationship had been Matt, and she had been more relieved than sad when it was over. But she was completely devastated to realise that her fantasies of a future with Brooke would remain fantasies. Vanessa hated herself for falling for Brooke so hard and fast, especially since the intensity of her feelings were clearly unreciprocated.

Vanessa was also, despite being a professional actor, completely terrible at hiding her feelings. When she was in character — following a script — she was mostly able to detach herself completely and convey any emotion regardless of whether it was one she able to empathise with, but when she was being herself it was no use.

She was sure fans would pick up on it, would question why Vanessa wasn’t her usual bubbly, loud self on stage. If only they knew.

Her first joint interview with Brooke was with a tall, blonde woman named Alaska, who wrote for an LGBT magazine. When Vanessa joined her in the small press room, Brooke Lynn was already there, early as ever (except for her Halloween party, Vanessa thought bitterly).

“Hi, girls,” Alaska drawled. Her questions were pleasantly thoughtful, focussing on the message of the movie, allowing them to give in depth, individual answers, though afterwards they were ordered to up the chemistry between the two of them, so clearly they hadn’t been everything the publication was looking for.

And she had to give it to her — from then on, Brooke did start making an effort to connect with Vanessa in her responses, even though Vanessa struggled to put their personal issues aside.

After more interviews that seemed to go on forever, mostly with male reporters who were as boring as they were old, they had one final discussion with a girl named Tatianna, which would be printed rather than filmed. She was more gossipy, but just as sweet as Alaska had been.

“Ladies, this one’s a little personal, so just let me know if you want to move on and we’ll cut it out. I don’t know your identities, but I was wondering whether your own experiences with sexuality have influenced the way you play these characters, and your decision to take on LGBT roles.”

Vanessa looked at Brooke, hesitance etched over her features, and it suddenly clicked that Brooke was a celebrity, and her sexuality wasn’t public knowledge — Vanessa had been oblivious before Brooke had come out to her. She didn’t know why the thought had never occurred to her before, but she realised that Brooke was most likely being intentionally private about her sexuality for whatever reasons and she didn’t want to put her in a compromising situation, no matter how frustrated she was with her right now.

“Obviously, I can’t speak for Brooke, but yeah, it definitely played a role for me. I’m bisexual, and there was such a lack of bi representation for me growing up — there still is now, and of LGBT representation in general. I always assumed I was straight, ‘cos I didn’t even really know that liking more than one gender was a thing. There was no bi figures, in fiction or the media, or if there was, they were constantly being erased… but that’s a whole other discussion, Mary.” Vanessa noticed that Brooke looked utterly engaged in what she was saying, and it was nice to feel heard and understood.

“So yeah, I was definitely conscious as a bi person about taking queer roles. We deserve to tell our own stories, you know? I feel like having a movie like this with such a diverse cast would’ve really helped the teenage me who was just trying to figure herself out.”

Tatianna nodded compassionately, before turning towards Brooke.

“I, uh. I agree LGBT representation is so important, and the way it’s handled is always an indicator on quality in a script. I feel like people of any sexuality can relate to queer roles — especially women, or people of colour, anyone who knows what it feels like to be marginalised or a minority. But yeah, there’s definitely a lot of me in my character,” Brooke confessed, smiling half-heartedly.

“Well, this has been a very insightful conversation. Thank you both for your time,” Tatianna concluded, shaking their hands.

The interviewer began talking with the behind the scenes people whose jobs were a mystery to Vanessa.

“Girl, what a day,” Vanessa yawned, hoping they would be given the okay to leave soon.

“Ness, I… I’m proud of you, you know,” Brooke said. Vanessa’s heart melted with both affection and sadness at Brooke’s gentle voice, and properly looked her in the eyes for the first time in days.

“Bitch, don’t get soft with me.”

“I’m serious… you just, like, came out to the whole world. That’s a big deal.”

“Well, not the whole world, just Refinery29 readers,” Vanessa joked. Brooke laughed a disproportionate amount.

“You ever think you’ll do it? I just realised we never talked about all that —” Brooke’s face became immediately pensive at Vanessa’s question.

“Sure,” she decided after a few moments of reflection. “I mean, I have my hang-ups, but if I got into a really serious relationship, I wouldn’t wanna hide it, y’know?” — Vanessa nodded — “but sometimes I worry that I’ve left it too late. Like, what if everyone feels I’ve been lying by omission all these years and I end up betraying both straight people and the LGBT community at the same time?”

“Ima stop you right there, girl,” Vanessa cut her off. “You don’t owe nothing to nobody, got it? If you do it, it’s gotta be on your own terms. Gay people won’t give a shit that it didn’t happen earlier, they know how it is. Trust me, if they ever find out Brooke Lynn Hytes is one of them, they ain’t gonna be mad.”

Brooke raised her eyebrows, and Vanessa wondered if she knew she was projecting.

“And I’m not done. To address your other concern. If homophobes are pissed then you’re doing something right. You finessed them and got their homophobic coin, be proud, bitch!”

“You know, surprisingly, that made me feel a lot better. Thanks, Ness,” Brooke shared with a small smile.

And Vanessa felt better, too. The issues between her and Brooke couldn’t be magically fixed, but for now, a weight had been lifted.

[bohrapbois]

Full Marks

CHAPTER 3

Description - Ben just so happens to fall head over heels for a Mysterious Man who loves baseball and cracking terrible jokes. Mysterious Man also turns out to be the father of one of Ben’s students.

Warnings - Full blown relationship Hardzello, with plenty of angst, fluff and future smut.

Word Count - 1,994

Ben didn’t want to get out of bed. He really didn’t want too, but he could only ignore Frankie licking his face for so long. He groaned, pushing away his baby before sitting up. His body ached from the fall yesterday and he pouted, stretching out his legs as he winced. Frankie wasn’t helping either, bounding up and down his duvet to force him to get out of bed. “Alright missy,” he whispered, pushing back his duvet and swinging bruised legs over the edge of his matress. Who guessed that having a child run into your legs would leave them bruised.

He shuffled out of his room, Frankie padding between his legs and making the simple task of walking a lot harder.  He apologised when he stood on her paw, although it was her own fault for being in his way.

“Morning,” Gwilym was evidently awake, eating out of date cereal out of a chipped bowl. Turns out that with a mortgage, taxes and paying bills, a teacher and apprentice vet really didn’t have a lot to spend on gourmet meals. It was like they never left university.

“‘Ornin’” Ben somewhat greeted back, and went about feeding his begging pooch and giving himself some form of a breakfast. The two sat opposite each other, neither talking as they attempted to gear themselves up for the day ahead. Both Gwil and Ben had days off, and had agreed to go into town for the day and actually be social with others. Gwil knew what happened yesterday, and was glad to know that Mystery Man had an actual name, and one which was quite normal.

After breakfast was finished and the two men had gotten dressed and managed to lure Frankie out of hiding, the trio strolled down the street. Although the morning was still new, and clocks had only just struck nine, the sky was clear and the sun harsh. It was a good ten minute walk before the high street started, and it seemed half the town were either working or shopping. Nobody paid attention to the primary school teacher and apprentice vet, and with sunglasses hiding the tired expression of their eyes, they were on the search for caffeine.

Although early for a Sunday, most stores were already opened, and the ones not would be opened after the owners came back from church. A few cafes seemed to be filling nicely, with patrons enjoying a ‘treat’ breakfast. Bens mouth watered looking at the high stacked pancakes with loads of toppings, but he had promised his mum he’d try and defeat his sweet tooth, and he did have an entire pack of Doritos the day before, so he ripped his eyes away. Gwil helpfully didn’t mentioned the slightly slower walk or how Ben was dragging his feet, but he did usher the blond and his dog into the next cafe.

The familiar smell of the coffee Delilah brews lured them in deeper, and they found a table opposite the till and counter. Gwil sat facing the window, always interested in people watching whenever he could. He loved his job and he loved all animals (even if he’s been bitten and scratched a few times) but there wasn’t much time to talk to actual human beings which weren’t your colleagues. Don’t get him wrong, Gwil loves everyone he works with but he can only hear about Lucy’s secret boyfriend so many times in one day.

Ben sat looking more into the store, and Frankie curled up by his feet. Ben saw enough people during the week, and didn’t need to socialise that much. He already felt exhausted from yesterday, but that hadn’t stopped him from gushing about Joe the moment Gwil had walked through the door.

“So,” Gwil grabbed the menu and scanned down it although already knowing his order (flat white, no sugar with whatever fruit salad they had that day). “Mr Mazzello then,” he smirked, not having to raise his eyes to know Ben was blushing.

“Stop calling him that,” Ben muttered, reaching below to stroke Frankie. She was napping, and didn’t need to be petted, but Ben needed the distraction.

“Never would’ve thought you’d go for a parent of a pupil,” Gwil teased further before turning his smile to the waitress coming over to take their order. Although a small establishment with only enough seating for about thirty people, they still did table service. It gave the workers something to do, rather than standing around. Both boys relayed their order, Ben getting a white hot chocolate and blueberry muffin (ignoring Gwil’s raised eyebrows) and ordering one of the homemade treats for Frankie.

“Shut up,” Ben grinned when the waitress left, ears starting to redden. He never thought he’d be in this situation either - never in a million years would’ve he seen himself crushing hard on a dad. “I don’t even know if he’s single”.

“Did he have a wedding ring on?” Gwil leant back in his chair, and caught Ben’s eye. He watched as the green irisis flicked back and forth in thought before he anwsered meakly.

“No-”

“Well he’s not married then”.

“Lots of guys don’t wear a wedding ring,” Ben not so helpfully pointed out, and decided to distract himself by looking at the very interesting fake flowers which haven’t been changed in months, maybe years.

“Fuck off,” Gwil stops Ben from going deeper in his self-pity, “the way you described him in vivid detail multiple times”, again, ignored the full face blush, “he’d totally wear a wedding ring to show off his love”.

“Yeah, well…” Ben didn’t have a response, instead grinning as he started tapping out a beat. He often did it when he didn't know what else to do. The beat wasn’t from anything in particular, more from the nonsense in his brain - it made it look like he was thinking.

Gwil grinned, proud of himself for making Ben actually happy about it. Ben always had the bad habit of over thinking, and once he was in that spiral, he always made it worse by searching for things he knows would make his mind darker. He’d once locked himself in his room for three days in their university days.

The two sat in a happy bubble, which only expanded when drinks and snacks arrived, and Frankie joined in when she was lifted onto her owners lap to receive her treat. As long as the dogs weren’t on the table, the staff were fine with them on laps. Ben was going to put her back down but she shuffled her backside into the tiny gap between his thigh and the arm rest, so he shrugged and let her rest there. Ben did a quick Facebook stalk and found Joe’s account. There wasn’t much information on there, but Ben showed a photo to Gwil, and beamed when he got a nod of approval.

Gwil was halfway through a funny anecdote when he suddenly stopped, mouth still hanging open as his eyes went wide and he seemed to track someone through the window. Ben stopped his giggling, and watched Gwil’s body language change from relaxed to tense within a second. Frowning, Ben turned in his seat and saw exactly what Gwil was looking at.

Joe was crossing the street, making his way to the entrance of the cafe they were currently sitting in. Beth was with him, holding his hand as the kid excitedly told him one of her few stories that even Ben had heard on multiple times. That, alone, wasn’t unusual. What was, was the fact Rami was on the other side, holding her other hand.

“Oh,” Ben felt his chest tighten. They looked like a perfect family, a happy couple with a cute kid. He had suspected it, seeming as how close Beth was to both Rami and Joe, but he hadn’t wanted to believe it. He turned back in his seat, eyes darting to Gwil, who looked equally as shocked.

“Oh shit,” Gwil pushed his chair back, scechring along the floor as he hastily readied himself to leave. Ben followed suit, Frankie seeming to sense the sudden change in mood, sticking close to Ben’s leg with her tail between her legs. The trio weren’t quick enough, and the lot entered from the street.

Gwil rushed to the counter, feeling Ben stick close. A glance towards the blond saw him looking at everything in the room except for the new entrants. Ben’s shoulders were held high in tension, and only went closer to his ears when Beth spotted them again.

“Mr Hardy!” She screeched, and tried to pull away from her father's hands, but with two people holding her, she didn’t get far.

Not wanting to seem to be ignoring to his student, Ben peaked around Gwil’s protecting form, and smiled only at Beth. “Oh hello!” Frankie obviously recognised Beth, and wagged her tail. The two had a quick bonding session yesterday, and Frankie knew she could get pats, so she glanced up at Ben before walking towards Beth. Ben would seem rude if he stopped his dog, so let them approach. Joe and Rami both seemed to realise she wouldn’t run away this time, so let Beth duck down to stroke Frankie who very happily accepted her patting.

Ben kept his eyes downcast and smiled softly. Frankie always loved being around children, and seemed very pleased to be getting her pets. “Hey, Ben!” Joe spoke up, and waited until green eyes met hazel. He dazzled Ben with his gleaming smile, and for a moment, Ben’s heart forgot it’s heartbreak and anxiety, and started beating frantically. “Hi,” he smiled weakily.

“Sorry about yesterday,” Joe motioned down at his daughter scratching Frankie behind the ear, “she just really wants a dog and wanted to show me she can look after one”.

“Oh, that’s ok,” other than the bruises, Ben wasn’t annoyed about yesterday’s happenings, “Frankie loved it anyway”.

“Frankie!” Beth was evidently very good eavesdropper, and squealed the dogs name a few more times in excitement. Although confused as to why she was being called, Frankie only wagged her tail quicker.

“That’s good then,” Joe was now also looking down at her daughter, and seemed in his own world. As not to seem rude to the other man standing close enough, Ben turned to Rami.

“Nice to meet you,” he managed to get the words out around the sudden lump returning to his throat. As he extended his hand for a proper greeting, Ben knew why Joe was with Rami. His green eyes were deep and seemed to shine on their own accord. He seemed cheeky and full of energy, and shook Ben’s hand with so much warmth that it made Ben dislike him. So not only did he have the man that Ben was majorly crushing on, but he was polite and handsome. Bastard.

“Hey,” Gwil had finished paying the bill and appeared next to Ben, and quickly introduced himself as Ben’s best friend and housemate. He seemed to emphasis the word ‘friend’ and Ben had to do all within his will not to elbow him in his stomach. “We better get going, actually,” Gwil found a way out of the awkward (at least on their behalf) situation, and was trying to usher Ben out of the door. Beth disappointedly moved back, and waved after Frankie as the three left the cafe.

“Ben, oh shit, I’m so sorry,” Gwil desperately began apologising as they sped walked away, Frankie trotting beside them. “I didn’t mean to get your hopes up”.

“No, it’s fine Gwil,” Ben was begging for Gwil to stop pitying him, and straightened his back to show he was in control, “I thought they were together, that just showed my instinct was right”.

“Still, sorry for that man”.

Although only wanting to go and scream by himself, Ben made them walk around and grab the shopping they needed, although feeling numb inside. He didn’t need pity.

Tag List - 

@benhardy-1 @hey-holtzy @watercolouredreams

[darkmindsthinktwistedthoughts]

Devil’s Temptation pt11

Warnings: Mob Styling warlords, Strong language

Masterlist

---

Chapter 11 – Spiral

“I don’t care about any of that just find her!” Takahiro’s voice roared in the loft space. He had been on his phone non-stop since discovering her disappearance. He snapped his cell phone shut and threw it on the coffee table as he took a crouched seat on the edge of the couch and ran his hands through his black hair in frustration.

It had not been easy to get out of that tunnel after the authorities had started to show up. Whoever had created such a disruption was clearly a very capable fixer. Who did this? Seriously the more I think of it the more it points to a professional. Once the official flashing lights and sirens turned up it was only thanks to the lingering smoke in the air that Takahiro and his men had managed to slip past them and returned to their vehicles. When the police knocked on the doors to check on the occupants it was easy enough to blag their way through the questions and be sent home pending further enquires.

There was no coverage in the local papers. The police had at least locked down that possibility. It was deemed an attack by an activist group and it was widely accepted that publicising such a thing would only generate the result that was desired for them by giving them publicity so the whole incident was covered with a gag order. It was one less thing to arrange. That worked just fine for him. 

At first, he had thought that she had just been spooked and had left the limo even though he had told her not to because of the gunfire. She was always running. He remembered her as a child when the families got together for talks all the children were thrown together and told to socialise. We were the futures of our families. Each one of us had an insane level of pressure and responsibility on our shoulders. There was no denying that it was a different and easier time though. Although even back then he was aware of the shadows. How they shifted in favour of one child above the others. As different as those times were, they were still riddled with dangers. Grr… where is she?

“Here’s your coffee.” The soft chink of the mug being placed on the table dragged Takahiro out of his thoughts. “You might want to charge that soon that battery must be almost dead.”

“Probably right. At this point, it's less a cell phone and more a space heater.” Takahiro sighed as he picked up the freshly brewed coffee and took a sip. The bitter taste did nothing to remove the already bitter feelings that had been surging in him. Where in the seven hells is that girl? Not one of the people out searching for her can find any trace of her. The CCTV feed doesn’t show her leaving the tunnel from either direction. So, she either didn’t leave the tunnel or she was taken out some other way.

No doubt his men that were out searching will report back soon. If there was a different route out, he would soon know. But if someone took her… His mind wandered to the agreement.

“Is there a chance she ran away again?” Shin asked the concern he felt beginning to show more as he watched how unravelled his partner had become in his increasingly frantic search. It would not be long before news of the runaway fiancé got back to the supposed to be father in law, and that was going to start a whole new issue. Shin knew it as much as Takahiro did. When agreements go bad its terrible. When official agreements go bad, you might as well as never been born.

“There is always a chance but I don’t think so.” Takahiro muttered staring into his mug.

“Because it seemed like it was planned?” Shin pushed a little. If there was any way he could help he wanted too. It was his duty as the right-hand man but also his privilege as a lover to relieve the stresses of a situation if it was within his ability to do so.

“That and the circumstances are different. This time she agreed. No, this has to be something to do with someone else. It has to be.”

---

Whatever colour the food had been it was now a swirling indistinguishable mess. The more the spoon dredged through the mixture the greyer it became. Mitsuhide did not have an appetite, and it was similar for the other men in the room too.

Breakfast was as lavish as ever. Masa had not exactly been eating more than usual himself but one thing the guy did when upset was cook. There was always a lot of food but right now it looked like he could have fed every member of staff in the building.

“[Name]’s hardly touched this tray either. I can understand her being upset but I wish she’d eat more.” Hideyoshi announced as he re-entered the room after collecting yet another tray. “She hasn’t opened the door to say anything since then either. I hope she’s ok.” Mitsuhide kept his eyes trained on the swirling mess in his bowl. Of course, she isn’t eating much, She’s feeling terrible again and it's all our… no, it’s all my fault.

“The Lass is in shock she’ll come around eventually.” Masa looked concerned as well.

Glancing over at Mitsuhide who had been sitting in the same position for what felt like forever. Masa grimaced at the sight of the breakfast he had prepared being reduced to… well, whatever that was. It certainly wasn’t food anymore. It took talent to turn something edible into something that just looked like lumpy grey paste. He didn’t have it in him to call the other man out on it and instead averted his eyes over to the food at the side wondering what meals he could make with the leftovers.

“I hope she feels better soon. Did you see her face when she left? It looked like she was crying.” Mitsunari sounded as if he was a lamenting prince that had stepped right out of a romance novel. Always the reliable good guy. I wonder if you have ever broken a girl’s heart into a million pieces. Or perhaps you have and just never noticed. How many girls had been broken by little oblivious Nari?

“How is it you can pick up on that and you are incapable of seeing how annoyed you make me?” Ieyasu sighed in frustrated wonder.

One thing you could count on when surrounded by this group was that at some point something like this was only ever one comment away from travelling down the path of family squabbling.

“Thank you for pointing out my failures Ieyasu I shall try harder so you can be prouder of me.” Mitsunari beamed with all his optimism at the fluffy haired blonde sitting next to him.

“At no point have I ever said I was proud of you.” Yasu instantly went on the defensive. How cute, the fluffy hedgehog is playing with the puppy again.

“Is that so? Well, I shall try to live up to your expectations in order to change that.” Mitsunari gazed down at his plate as he mulled over what he had just been told.

In all their years working together, he was the one out of the group who always strived for improvement. He was diligent to a fault. The fault usually being that he would be so totally lost in study that he failed to survive without interference from Hideyoshi. He really is like a pet.

“What might help is if you hang around each other more.” Masa chuckled as he added to Yasu’s torment.

“Kill me now.” Yasu sulked looking a little like someone had just poured a whole basket of lemons on his head and told him to suck one.

It was a strange atmosphere. no one was what you could call happy, so there was no lively light-hearted feeling to the room. But at the same time, everyone seemed to be attempting to make an effort to remain as normal as possible. The phrase “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” crossed Mitsuhide’s mind as he sat there poking his blended meal around its bowl.

“Mitsuhide.”

“Mm?” Mitsuhide looked up at Hideyoshi who had moved next to him at some point during the morning’s entertainment.

“How are you holding up?” Hideyoshi’s worried gaze was too much. There he is in all his mothering glory. Oh no, you don’t its unsettling when you look at me like that. I neither want nor deserve your pity.

“Oh? Do I qualify for mother’s attention? I’m touched… truly.” Mitsuhide smirked. There is a limit to how much of this… treatment you can take. It is not so much a question of how, but when do you blow up? Are you aware that this is one of my most favourite games?

“You might be able to pull everyone else’s strings but it doesn’t work on me.” Yoshi stood tall in an attempt to be intimidating. Do you really think such tricks work on me? In all these years have such tactics ever worked on me?

“Really? And there was me about to compliment you on being a rather good marionette.” The spark in his yellow eyes flashed as he delivered his retort.

“If you can tease, you’re probably fine.” Hideyoshi visibly tensed. “Honestly I just wish she was…” It was clear he was too tired and full of concern over all the events that were still playing out like a badly orchestrated soap opera to really wish to retaliate. And that was just fine with Mitsuhide. All the joy I derive from such digressions I find has curiously left me bereft of a desire to pursue them today.

“You wish she was the little girl you remembered? All smiles and gumdrops and rainbows? You cannot turn back time Yoshi dear… as much as we may wish too.” Mitsuhide finally let go of the spoon in his hand and picked up his now stone-cold coffee, drinking it as he looked out the window at the storm clouds closing in. You aren’t the only one to wish things were different Yoshi. I would give anything for things to be different right now.

---

Food was flavourless. It hadn’t been like that since, well since she thought she had processed everything from back then. Any semblance of normalcy she had regained evaporated the minute she saw that spectre in the tunnel. I tried telling myself what happened wasn’t my fault. Every time I woke up for that brief moment when I was happy, caught between sleep and consciousness I thought I could feel him next to me. How many times did I pray to just be left in that state?

It was raining pretty hard outside now. The heavy droplets pelted the glass and trickled down.

“Tears from the sky.” She traced a finger on the glass following the traces of moisture as they fell. “I no longer have any left in me to shed.”

Trays of food were brought and left at her door it was the same as before and yet different. This time they weren’t strangers. She knew them. She also thought that they were her friends to a degree. But what kind of friend sees the pain you are going through, knows something that could make it better and doesn’t speak a word? Was it as they said and they didn’t know until after the funeral? Even if it’s the case they could have still said something when they sent over her things. Anything would have been better than nothing at all. wouldn’t it? Would it?

Her thoughts were all messed up. Nothing seemed to be following a single path of logical thought for long before it was derailed and sent off in a spiralling tangent. Appetite was gone, her mind likewise. Seriously what next? I feel like I managed to escape the frying pan only to jump head first into a towering inferno. [Name] picked up her cup of forgotten tea and realised all the heat of it had gone. How symbolic.

She sighed as she moved to the kitchen and poured the contents down the sink. I could make another but I think I’d rather take a bath and see if that helps. Just as she was moving to the bedroom to undress a firm knock at the door interrupted her plans. If I ignore it, they will go away.

– Knock, Knock –

Or not…

“[Name]”

Huh? What can he want?...

“[Name] I am not in the habit of repeating myself. Open the door.”

---

[webcomixwastaken]

Everything that happened after work today was totally downhill. Left work late (I’m supposed to be off at 6:30. This class lasted until 6:45, and nobody came to pick Katelyn up until after 7 and of course I’m not going anywhere until she’s safely on her way home) so I got home real late and it’s a rainy weekend so food didn’t come until 9 and didn’t taste very good (too tired to cook even a shitty meal.) There were a bunch of laundry fuckups that meant I waited until midnight to have clean underwear. There are still dirty dishes in the sink. I’ll wash them after I shower and wait for my hair to dry.

I’m so exhausted and I really just don’t want to do anything tomorrow but I have work including a brand new 9am class of the littlest kids who I will confess are my least favourite group to teach because their levels are always so wildly different especially if they are ESL which most kids in Hong Kong are. And also they’re going to be brand new kids so it’s truly going to be a hand holdy, teeth-pulling kind of class.

And that’s just the FIRST class. Then I have the space cadet boys from 10-11:30, Felix who is petrified of speaking from 11:30-12:30, apparently I’m meeting a new preteen whose father is very alarmed because she writes gore in her spare time and I’m to lead her back to the straight and narrow path (geez, she’s 12, she’ll grow out of it) before Sunny, my aptly named one easy private student on Saturdays, right before I finish with Benedict, who is always heralded by his high-pitched whiny screamfests with his sister before he comes through my door. I barely have any brains left when I finish teaching Benedict.

So behind on the bear book, filled with stress because it’s going to take a LOT to get it ready within a week. Barely started on Vish’s goddamn 120k novel (he’ll be lucky if I’ve even finished it by the time we meet to discuss it, let alone have any kind of written comment.) Yeah, I’m slightly resentful that he didn’t make his FEBRUARY deadline so we moved his March meeting to April, Because the whole point of doing full manuscripts every other month was to give the next author breathing space; thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks man.

I think I’m going to quit my DnD group once this campaign is done because god, it just takes up so much time. I regret telling them that I’m free on April 7 because now I want it back to work on bear book. My weekends are never restful, because on Sundays I socialise and on Mondays I run errands and try to exercise. Saturday is the busiest work day (especially with that new 9am class.) But imagining a day where I do nothing... the guilt’s already there.

I don’t remember what it feels like to sleep for more than 6 hours. The last time I did that, I had to be sick before my body allowed it. My health is just so fucked up now. My back muscles are a mess. I don’t have a lot of time (or skills, honestly -- because I don’t have time to work on them too) to cook healthy so I’ve gotten fatter since I moved out. 

I’m not going to talk about my social life. I'm actually pretty happy and have a good time with my friends, but there are milestones I feel like I should have hit by this age that I haven’t done yet and I’m trying not to let it get to me because they don’t fucking define me, but on some bad days like these, it does.

I’ve thought, for MANY years, that a great superpower would be to stop time. And only for simple things like, take a nap (though once again, I am incapable of taking naps unless I’m sick) or wash the dishes or clean the house or eat dinner .Literally. I am definitely peak millennial because my life is constantly running on empty but if I stop I’m not comfortable and feel like I’m not taking advantage of something. I’m just really tired, man.

[effyeahzimbits]

Blind Date Zimbits AU

Here is my contribution for http://swawesomesanta.tumblr.com/! Westernredcedar asked for a non-soulmate Zimbits AU and I was all to happy to oblige!  Seasons greetings to everyone and thank you for reading. I hope you enjoy! Title: Blind Date Pairing: Zimbits. Jack Zimmermann/Eric Bittle. Rating: T Warnings: A little swearing, nothing major. Summary: Jack didn’t like dates. He liked blind dates even less. Read on AO3 here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/13134021      Jack checked his watch again and let out a heavy sigh. Thirty minutes late. He slumped back into the cushioned seat again, his heart sinking even further in his chest. He had been stood up, there was no longer any doubt about it. He knew this had been a bad idea as soon as Shitty suggested it. Jack didn’t like dates. He liked blind dates even less.

    He only agreed to make his best friend happy. Shitty had been lamenting for months that Jack had no special someone to ‘worship that glorious Canadian ass’. Jack had grown tired of telling him that he was perfectly happy being single, mostly because he realised he was lying to himself. He had been getting lonely recently.

    He was twenty-eight and though that was by no means old and past it, he couldn’t help feeling a little bitter when all his few, but close, friends were happy and in love with their significant others. Taking his mom to family skate had long since lost its novelty, and now it was just plain sad. But Jack hated socialising with strangers, having always struggled with that awkward period of getting to know them. If meeting new people wasn’t a necessity, then he went out of his way to avoid doing just that.

    So, agreeing to a blind date had to be one of the stupidest things he’d ever done. Shitty had told him nothing about this guy apart from his age (a few years younger than him), he liked hockey (well that had to be a given), and that he was ‘super fucking cute brah’. If Jack hadn’t known better, he’d have said Shitty liked him himself, with the way he was gushing about how adorable his friend was. Shitty had begged and begged him for months until Jack finally caved.

    The way Shitty’s eyes lit up should have made him feel happy, but it just put Jack on edge. Shitty had arranged everything, going between the pair of them to set a date, time, and venue. Jack didn’t even have this guy’s number. He should have cancelled after all the anxiety this had caused him, but he didn’t want to disappoint Shitty. Besides, he figured he owed it to himself to at least try.

    And that was how he found himself in a sweet but crowded little café twenty minutes from his apartment, in the cobalt blue dress shirt that made his eyes look pretty but made him feel stiff, with his foot twitching nervously underneath the table, and avoiding the gaze of everybody in the place. They all knew him, and that was another reason there was sweat pooling in the small of his back. He was sure he was going to make the local news tomorrow morning.

    Falconers’ Lead Scorer Fails to Score Date

     He’d had enough. He drained his glass of ice water and got to his feet a moment later, prepared to ignore the stares and low murmurs as he marched out. He barely took one step away from the table when the waiter who brought him his water dashed over to his side with a large, elaborately decorated menu in hand.

    “Leaving already?”

    The waiter spoke with a bright southern drawl that made Jack’s chest feel warm and at home, like he’d just swallowed a bite of his dad’s homemade sugar tart. He was the type of person Jack instinctively gravitated to – smiley, bubbly and extroverted. He was everything Jack was not. Jack wished he was on a date with him instead.

    “Euh, yeah,” Jack sighed, his voice quiet. “I’m not going to humiliate myself any further.”

    “Oh, honey. Give him a few more minutes, I’m sure he’ll turn up. He’s probably tied up in traffic,” the waiter suggested, carefully standing between Jack and the way out.

    Jack looked at him for a moment, trying to read his expression. His bisexuality was public knowledge by now, and the waiter was wearing a coy little smile. If Jack didn’t know better, he would say he was being teased.

    “I don’t think that’s the case,” Jack murmured. His fingertips were starting to tingle, and he curled them up into his palms. “Goodnight.”

    The waiter sidestepped the same time Jack did, effectively blocking him once more. Jack would be pissed if he wasn’t wearing such a charming smile.

    “Five more minutes,” he repeated insistently, almost like a child begging for more time with their favourite toy. He seemed to clock Jack’s building anxiety, and he tilted his head in the direction of the kitchens. “I’ll take you to a quieter table, in the back, out of the way.”

    Jack hesitated. He really wanted to go home and drown his sorrows in the History Channel. But there was something sincere and beckoning in this young man’s warm brown eyes. So, Jack sighed and nodded. A quiet corner would be nice, and he was hungry. The way the waiter’s face lit up made Jack’s head feel fuzzy. He flicked a glance at his nametag. Eric.

    Eric was an average height, though next to Jack he seemed smaller with his slim shoulders and defined waist. He was attractive too. Jack particularly liked his big eyes and the smattering of freckles over his nose. He had a thing for blondes, he knew that at least. Eric’s hair was golden, long on top with trendy, shaved sides. Jack wanted to run his fingers along the short parts.

    The table Eric led him to was small and right by the kitchen door. Any other customer would have turned their nose up at it, but to Jack it seemed like a haven. There was a lot less noise here, and a lot less people to stare at him. He took the offered seat gratefully. Eric held out the menu to him, his bright smile replaced with one that was a little more sympathetic.

    “Now then. You and I both know this date of yours is a no show. But it’d be a shame to let him ruin your night. The food here is amazing, and you’ve come all this way, after all.”

    Jack was about to protest that he lived close by and he’d rather just go home and eat a plate full of chicken tenders, but Eric thrust the menu into his hands. The sparkle was back in his eyes and Jack forgot what he was going to say.

    “I suggest the tuna steak with the asparagus salad,” Eric went on, bending over slightly so he could point the item out on the menu. Jack had a sudden whiff of cinnamon and vanilla, and felt warm and fuzzy all over. When he straightened up again, the smell lingered, but the spell it created in Jack’s brain broke.

    “I don’t think so. Isn’t it a little pathetic to eat by myself?” He snorted, trying to hand Eric the menu back.

    “Not at all,” Eric insisted, almost sounding affronted. “People do it all the time. Besides. I’ll keep you company.” His face split into a dazzling grin again, and this time, he actually winked playfully at him. Jack stared.

    “Um. But don’t you have work to do?” He asked eloquently, before mentally kicking himself. Well that was smooth, wasn’t it? Except it totally wasn’t.

    “It’s a slow night. This place is basically empty,” Eric argued with a trilling laugh. The café looked full enough to Jack. “I’d much rather chat a little with you than with anyone else here. Please?” He begged when Jack still looked hesitant. “I’ll even throw in a piece of my homemade award-winning maple sugar crusted apple pie. How does that sound?”

    Jack pulled a face, pretending to think about it. Honestly, it was the best offer he’d had in a long time.

    “Apple pie seals the deal,” he smirked, taking the menu back. He mentally congratulated himself. Smooth as silk, Zimmermann.

    “You drive a hard bargain, sir,” Eric teased, standing to attention with his notepad, pen poised. “In that case, may I take your order?”

    Jack did indeed order the tuna steak, along with a low-alcohol bottle of beer and a side order of fries. Eric danced off to the kitchen with his request, appearing a moment later with his bottle of beer. He regretfully couldn’t stay, but Jack felt placated for now. He could enjoy a meal to himself and forget all about the stupid blind date.

    He texted Shitty while he waited for his salad, telling him what an awful idea it was and how Shitty owed him big time. Eric kept up a string of pleasant chatter as he went backwards and forwards from table to kitchen. Jack found he was starting to enjoy himself, his anxiety drifting away like it was never there. It was almost like he was the only one in the café.

    In the frequent passing moments between serving people, Jack learned Eric was from Madison, Georgia, and had been to college in Boston where he studied food science. He also discovered he was a keen baker with a passion for Beyoncé. Jack usually struggled opening up to strangers, but Eric made him feel at ease, and he shared facts about his own life that he typically kept to himself. Eric didn’t react when Jack mentioned hockey, so he assumed Eric had no idea who he was. Even better.

    His tuna finally arrived, and Eric left him in peace to eat. It was as tasty as the waiter promised, and Jack felt grateful that his date hadn’t turned up. He’d probably have spent the evening making boring small talk with one of Shitty’s Harvard law friends and resisting the urge to escape out of the bathroom window. Instead he entertained the idea of asking Eric what time he finished and whether he could take him for a walk.

    Just as he finished his salad, Jack became acutely aware of eyes on his back. He spared a quick glance behind him, and his stomach sank as he noticed a group of teenagers had definitely recognised him, phones in hand. He turned back to the wall, but the doubt had already set in. What were they whispering about? Were they taking pictures? When Eric passed his table again, Jack was ready to bolt out of his chair.

    “Leaving already, honey?” He asked with a frown, hand twitching as if he wanted to lay it on his shoulder. “What about your pie?”

    Jack’s head twitched towards the teenagers, and he didn’t even need to say anything, but Eric understood. He fixed a determined (and very attractive) expression on his face and marched over to the group’s table. Jack quickly turned his back on them, wishing his empty plate would swallow him whole. He heard Eric firmly but politely tell the boys to respect the diners’ privacy and return to their own meals. By the time Eric came back to the table, Jack’s face was bright red.

    “Are you alright?” The waiter asked in a soft voice. Jack felt his walls crumbling.

    “Yeah,” he sighed, suddenly tired. “I’m sorry. That’s why I don’t come out often. I uh, prefer to keep to myself. I…play for the Falconers,” he explained weakly.

    “Sweetpea, I know,” Eric commented with an amused smile.

    “Y-you know?” Jack stared at him again.     “Yes,” Eric replied, looking even more entertained.

    “I played hockey in college.”

    “Oh.”

    Eric laughed softly and really did pat his hand this time. Jack was never washing that hand again. The pet names were killing him. The knowledge that Eric knew who he was and hadn’t acted upon it baffled him too.

    “You shouldn’t let other people stop you from living your life,” Eric told him gently, quietly gathering up his empty plate and dirty cutlery. “You owe them nothing. I know it’s easier said than done, but you should focus on making yourself happy. Not them.”

    It was nothing he hadn’t heard before. Hell, his therapist told him something similar most weeks. But hearing it from Eric made it hit home that little bit more. He offered the waiter a weak but genuine smile.

    “Thank you.”

    “Don’t mention it.” Eric winked again, and Jack’s insides turned to jelly.

    “So, about that apple pie,” Jack prompted, unable to resist grinning innocently. Eric laughed loudly.

    “Comin’ right up,” he grinned charmingly, purposely exaggerating his accent.

    Jack watched him disappear into the kitchen, only just able to stop himself from sighing dreamily. He couldn’t blame the single beer for his fuzzy head, and maybe he was drunk on pheromones, but he knew he had to ask Eric out. He owed it to himself. Maybe he was going to end up owing Shitty after all.

    Eric was taking a while, but Jack didn’t think too much of it. He replied to a few more of Shitty’s dramatic apologetic texts, purposely chirping him a little more. A short while later, two plates were set on his table, both holding a perfectly shaped slice of thick, crisp and heavenly smelling apple pie. Jack looked up to question Eric about the second plate, secretly hoping he was joining him, and his jaw dropped.

    The waiter had changed from his plain shirt and slacks, into a pair of tight fitting skinny jeans and smart dark shirt that made his eyes appear even warmer. Eric grinned brightly at him, tweaking his cute little bow tie before promptly sitting opposite him.

    “Hi! Sorry I’m late! I was meant to finish at six, but someone called in sick and the boss made me cover for them,” he explained, pushing a fork in across the table for him and waving his other hand elaborately as he talked.

    Jack’s expression turned from confused to utterly dumbfounded.     “Oh, of course! Where are my manners?” Eric snorted, sticking out his hand. “I’m Eric Bittle. Or Bitty, to my friends.”

    Jack’s jaw dropped.

    “You’re Shitty’s friend?” He gasped in disbelief.

    “That’s me!” Bitty chirped cheerfully, eyes sparkling. He was breath-taking, and Jack couldn’t take his eyes off him. “I had a stall at the local country fair with my famous mini pies a couple of years ago, and he strolled on up and bought my whole batch! We’ve been friends ever since.”

    Jack still stared. None of this made sense. Eric was…Bitty? The guy Shitty had set him up with?

    “I…what?” He said eloquently, feeling like his brain was made of cotton wool. Eric’s bright smile fell away, and he sighed, shoulder’s deflating slightly.

    “I’m really sorry I made you think you were being stood up,” he began, soft voice sincere as he gazed at him. “They really did make me stay. I know I should have said no but…I really need this job. And honestly? I was a little worried about this date. Shitty made out you were this amazing guy, but whenever I saw you on television I just…well, you always seemed a little…abrupt, and short tempered. No offence of course! And I know I shouldn’t base my opinion on that, but I couldn’t help it. So, I thought I’d take advantage of the situation and see what kind of guy you were before I blew my cover.”

    Jack sat back, watching him as he processed that in his head. It sounded farfetched, but Jack couldn’t argue with Eric’s reservations. He knew he appeared unlikeable and unapproachable to most people, it was why he barely left the house and hated press interviews. But Eric had seen past all of that this evening, and had decided that Jack was worth a try. So, he smiled and picked up his fork.

    “And what kind of guy do you think I am?” Jack asked almost flirtatiously. He speared a piece of the pie, waiting for Eric’s reply before tasting it.

    “I think you’re a sweetheart,” Eric grinned back, definitely trying to be alluring and making Jack blush slightly. “I also think you’re about to be floored by my five times county fair award-winning pie,” Eric boasted with a smirk.

    Jack lifted an eyebrow at him and playfully popped the pie into his mouth. The pastry was buttery sweet, and contrasted with the sharp tang of apple. He squashed the appreciative noise and swallowed before nodding eagerly.

    “Definitely floored,” he grinned brightly, eating another mouthful. Eric laughed and started on his own plate.

    “I’m glad you’re not pissed off with me,” Eric continued. “I hate blind dates. They’re so awkward, and I never know what to say, and I just end up rambling and talking about silly, irrelevant little details…” He stopped as he suddenly realised he was doing exactly that.

    Jack laughed and nudged his knee lightly under the table with his own. It filled him with warmth to see Bitty just as nervous as he had been.

    “Relax, I already like you,” Jack admitted softly, unintentionally lowering his voice and leaning toward him. Eric’s face split into a wide smile again, his eyes lighting up.

    “Your blind date is a fool for standing you up,” Eric declared boldly, barely holding in a giggle. “He sure as heck regrets it.”

    “I think I can find it in myself to forgive him,” Jack snickered, holding his eyes as he took another bite of pie. “The night doesn’t seem to be ruined after all.”

The End

[stonecoldhedwig]

Et puis, épuisée // And then, exhausted

This article was posted in the summer of 2019 by Pauline Harmange, but it’s something that has resonated with me ever since I read it in August 2020. I find myself returning to it, thinking about it.

There’s one phrase that hums around in my head a lot from it: J’aurais pu faire sans toutes les micro-agressions d’un quotidien qui n’a pas de place pour les doutes. J’aurais pu apprendre dans la douceur. // I could have done without all the micro-aggressions of a daily life that has no room for doubt. I could have learned gently.

I’ve translated it into English below (thank you, trusty French dictionary), trying to keep the tone of the original piece in mind. Numbered footnotes are the author’s, asterixes are mine.

Tw: abortion; pregnancy; sexism

For several weeks, I’ve been trying to write this article, and I can’t find the right angle. I want, or even need, to talk about the questions I’ve been posing to myself for months now about femininity, about what it is to be a woman at the moment, but how do I talk about all this without falling into an incredible pathos? I feel so out-of-touch with Insta accounts and the warrior-witch-superwoman trend, I don’t know how to articulate these intense, almost negative emotions that come over me as soon as I start to think about it.

Because I’m going to be very honest: right now, I’m exhausted by being a woman.

Before I became a feminist, I was a girl, and that was enough*; it didn’t cause me any headaches. Once I became a feminist, I had to question a lot of things: why I denigrated girls more feminine than me, why I forced myself to wax when I didn’t like it, why I let men comment on my appearance and didn’t stand up for myself, or why I was scared when I was out on the street by myself. It was tiring, but I didn’t feel myself being overwhelmed by the weight of a burden too heavy for me. The truth was that I needed to take breaks. To create sacred rituals that celebrated my period, or to read books with hypernormative gender representations, so as to forget for a few seconds the numbers that made me feel sick (which numbers? Simply put, all of them, because they are all horrible).

And then, I was betrayed by my own flesh. I got pregnant when I had an IUD. (1) I experienced a heartbreak that it is illusory to want to put into words: the heartbreak of ending a pregnancy that should never have occurred, even though I’ve wanted a child for a long time. I nurtured, and still nurture, a black anger towards this life (this society, too) for forcing me to make a choice I don’t regret. How complicated life is.

And ever since that moment, I have had the feeling that life is becoming even more complicated. I feel like I’m suffering. Suffering because my body has struggled to recover from its tiny 5 weeks of pregnancy. Suffering because of my Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, which ruins my life, as well as suffering from my contraception because no matter where I look, there’s no ideal solution. I am suffering the after-effects of an anorexic adolescence, strewn with bad people, which has crippled the way I look at myself. I suffer that mental load, always so strong, when my IUD is removed and I have to calculate the risk, and deal with the terror of getting pregnant again, the reminders on my phone not to forget my pill, waiting for the next period. I suffer the mood swings, the water retention, the irritability, I suffer that sticky feeling every month before I bleed, of not being able to do anything, especially of not being able to create.

I am even more affected than before by what I already felt: that I am a woman, socialised as such, and that if I want to exist in this world, I must constantly do violence** to myself. In a utopian version of life, I wouldn't need to force myself to speak louder, I wouldn't need to fake it till I make it, I wouldn't have to take on more masculine ways and a self-confidence that I don't have. Because in a utopian version of life, doubts, fragility, sadness and uncertainty would be respected, and I would not be encouraged to be someone other than myself. My body betrays me there again (unless it’s just too faithful this time): whenever I’m confronted with a situation where I don’t want to have to pretend, I sweat a bitter sweat that confirms to me I’m going against what I am. I was going to say “against my nature”, but that’s not it; against my culture, perhaps, or against what I was educated to be. (2) 

I'm exhausted by being a feminist, but then again, what can I do about it? I cannot take a vacation from my downtrodden condition, nor from my empathy for the horrible things happening all over the world. I am exhausted though, and angry too, for being a permanent spokesperson for my cause but speaking in an echo chamber. Writing those feminist articles that only women will read. Reading those feminist books and talking about them with other women. I don't listen to any feminist podcasts, by the way, because I'm fed up with content that doesn't teach me much (3) and I'm sickened to see so few men taking their place (silent and humble) in the discussion. What good are all these podcasts and all these articles and all these books, if it's women who buy them, consume them and then regurgitate them to the men around them? Who compensates for the time spent, the energy wasted in teaching men too lazy, too selfish and too vain to educate themselves? (4)

Maybe that's why I don't identify at all with movements of self-gratitude or of celebrating femininity. Being a woman and realising it has made me harder on myself and on others (for example, I really don't have any patience with men anymore, and I’m not ready to apologise). Certainly, I'm stronger, too. I know better how to say no, I know my body better, I have much better tools to manage conflicts than the ones I started with, I let myself do less and I pretend better. But I am convinced that I could have acquired all this knowledge without the violence inherent in a society that does not really want us, we who are not able-bodied, old and wealthy cis-straight white men. I could have done without all the micro-aggressions of a daily life that has no room for doubt. I could have learned gently.

There are, of course, unexpected joys that being a woman brings me. When I read an excellent book written by a brilliant woman, I am overcome with the emotion of being inspired, and I also allow myself (which I never would have done before) to include myself in the circle of these creative women, I allow myself to feel close to them. When I think of the women around me, incredible in their strength, their refusal to compromise, their talents, I am filled with incredible gratitude, because I finally know how to recognise that the work, the luck and the happiness of my sisters do not diminish the value of mine.

But I’ve never had the courage to be a role model, an “inspiring” woman. To exist, women must either fit into boxes (do we really exist then?), or get out of them in a total, radical and claimed way. So much work, once again. I was thinking about this issue this summer as I considered my body hair: to shave? not to shave? I realised that as soon as I went out with visible hairy legs, I tended to dress better, do my hair, and even put on makeup, thus carrying the image of an assumed feminist, whose hair is a message, a standard. Actually, I'm just a big slacker with hyperpilosity, but without my drastic disguise, I was afraid I would simply portray an image of a neglected woman.

It makes no sense, it's not even a liberation anymore. I am discouraged.

I know that it's my fault too, it’s up to me to take a step back and let go, and that my anger and exhaustion are symptoms to deal with, not necessarily emotions from which I will draw positive things in order to move forward. (5) Still, I am where I am today. At war. Feeling like I’m not very far from losing, by the way.

I'm going to take a vacation (from the internet, from life, and from myself) and put things back in an order that makes sense. Who knows, maybe if I put my head deep enough in the sand, when I bring it out in September, the patriarchy will have been abolished? We can but dream.

________________________

(1) Yes, it does happen, but no, it’s not common. Whenever I mention it, women around me who have an IUD look at me in horror and I feel compelled to reassure them, as if I was the only one in the world to whom this could happen. This is not the case, and I do not have the energy to reassure, I’m afraid.

(2) You might call it “stepping out of your comfort zone”, but listen, after a while staying in your comfort zone doesn’t strike me as a delusion-like desire***.

(3) I'm not saying that to brag; it's just that after almost 10 years of feminism and a passion for reading, I'm relatively familiar with a lot of the topics that are now more mainstream.

(4) You don’t need to write to tell me “not all men”. Thank you in advance!

(5) We could talk forever about the idea of “positive”, about how it is often a way of silencing our anger and sweeping away injustices, and that it is a new, fashionable way of policing women, but hey... we need another article for that, and this is not it.

________________________

*the term used in the original article is basta; the Italian for stop. I've treated it as an equivalent of ça suffit, or “that’s enough”.

**I was a bit iffy on whether this should be do violence to or violate so French speakers who are less rusty than me, please forgive me xoxo

***It honestly took me about twenty four reads to work out what this sentence meant, but I did learn the verb “to strike”, so there we are.

[zeynepbal]

an introvert swamp

I was speaking with one of my Chinese friends and told him that I was aware that my attitude was bit aggressive while asking questions at work especially the last two weeks. I added as “I am overloaded with stress and since I cannot see the future not because of me but the things that are going on around me, my attitude is kind of an aggressive one nowadays but I don't think that the people at work should pay for my problems”

He said, “it is good to be aware of this.” Probably he thought that I was not aware of myself. No I was. I mean I think everyone was aware of my changed attitude and they were also shocked about my suddenly changed attitude. And they probably were very understanding about me because they know me almost for 2 years and the person who tries to help others in the class, who supports the teachers in the class turned out to be an asshole keep asking very detailed questions with a very judging attitude.

I should say that last week I was so crazy that in one class I even told another coworker like “Please stop answering me. I know what you are telling. I am not asking about it to the teacher not to you”

And everyone was shocked. After 2 minutes I was shocked also about myself how come I was able to scold a person in the mid of class infront of other people no matter what he or she did.

I just though it was not me, but seems like there really is a dark side of me who is seriously arrogant and rude. 

I mean if we are really kind the circumstances should not change our kindness. I experienced lots within 4 years but I don't remember if ever I acted like this before. I mean I am not irrespecutful or sth but I suddenly bursted 3 times within last 2 weeks... And it was actually so clear to see that this was coming because a month ago while speaking with my family I remember losing my temper and shouting like no tomorrow 2 or 3 times

Even my dad was shocked that he sent me a long msg to tell how disappointed he was to see me I was acting like a teenager. He was right. While reading the msg I justified him but kept blaming him for sending me that long msg

lol

After that I think 2 days ago while going to work I though that why I am not able to say “shouganai” nowadays and try to feel guilty for the things that I cannot even change

It is good to be aware of the bad attitude because it means that you re taking your lessons and you will warn yourself next time

Anyways my Chinese friend kept speaking and told me that “researchers lack some socialising abilities sometimes. Since I am a researcher too I am like that”

Then I told him that I was not like this in Turkey or may be I was not aware of myself but I totally am an introvert for years now and I seriously like to be alone rather than being with people. And I also told him how I started crying in the middle of the crowd and could not breathe on Halloween.

and added as “I totally am an introvert but I act as if I am not a one. It is okay to act but when you cannot control your emotions you may just start exaggerating which might be interpreted wrong”

It was the main signal that I got aware that something is going really wrong about me actually. 

Seriously on last Sunday I suddenly started crying when I saw lots of people around and was not able to breathe. After that while walking back to Umeda from Dotonbori I though about it a lot and decided to change myself in a good way. Because the more I am alone the more I started to enjoy it - which is not healthy.

If there are people around me whom I know, I feel a bit comfortable and I start going out with them. But nowadays I even do not have any tendency to go to a restaurant and eat out. Instead I prefer to buy and eat it at home. For me it is really strange because no matter I enjoy to be alone, I was always having fun eating alone at an izakaya and watching people. Nowadays I just cannot take it - like yesterday

I thought to stop by the izakaya I love but then I felt so unhappy when I think myself surrounded with people and their loud voices and went directly home after having some set from mc donalts.

another thing.. since I ride sometimes riders from Kansai area or friends that I had met before send me msgs to ride together. At first I say okay to them then I find myself postponing the rides in order to be alone. 3 days ago a friend from twitter sent me a msg to ask why I don't ride with other people because it is really enjoying to do that. I told him I would rather not to ride with other and enjoy my ride by myself. He insisted that I should try it.

Then 最近　I also sent a msg to George as if I did something wrong and when I explained him that I urged myself to meet with people nowadays so now I have 2 more Japanese friend and a new friend from US he told me that is nice

It really is nice but I have no idea why I feel like I do make mistakes all the time when I meet with people

anyways 

what I can say is, being alone is awesome but it is a dangerous loop. If you start enjoying it too much it will take you in as a swamp and in the end you will find yourself rejecting people all the time.

Nice that I love to criticise myself so often that I got aware just before stepping into that swamp.

Yet I feel so tired when I think that I have to meet with people - altho I enjoy a lot when we really get close.

And a very strange thing about myself that I got aware

If anyone doesn't come to speak with me, I would never go and speak with anyone

not because I am not confident but because I think may be they are happy with their loneliness so I should not disturb them 

however it was really really good that Jon came to speak with me on that night and nice that since I had my friends around (thanks to cat riku and Watanabe) I was not uncomfortable with the environment so that I kept speaking.  Otherwise I would not get to know this new friend with marvellous personality and enjoy.

anyways.