#Also now yall can see what i meant by 'the time frame i gave myself wont make sense in future chapters' | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

slightlymore · 3 years

Text

remote control

fem reader x kun x doyoung x ten

genre: smut, pwp, some crack because 96 line duh

warnings: 4some and everything regarding that,,, unprotected, cum play, toys, overstimulation, masturbation, fingering, oral, little slaps to the coochie and thighs, grinding, anal ahem let’s go

idk what spirit possesed me while writing this 😳😳 don't take me accountable it was not me I swear ✋✋✋absolutely not for the faint of heart

vibe: they give you some birthday cake :)

words: 3.8k

_____

Ten groaned after he put a foot in the candle-lit living room.

"Y/N, when you invited me for dinner I didn't expect to see the faces of those two idiots as well."

Doyoung, kneeling on the soft carpet in front of the tv, rolled his eyes while Kun furrowed his eyebrows offended.

You patted Ten's shoulder with a giggle.

"It's a festive dinner, the more, the merrier."

"I hate to say that Ten's right, because he's never right, but I also thought this was a romantic duo escape," Doyoung finished arranging his presents in the dedicated spot as if it were Christmas and sighed.

"Well,” Ten took a chip from the bowl in front of Doyoung, “I see that we share one brain cell. Is that the good shirt Kun? The one that shows off the pecs?" Ten teased the older who scoffed.

"Do you know how cold it is?" he eyed Ten's exposed chest as he had three open buttons.

Doyoung snorted.

You bit your lower lip to not giggle again then clapped your hands once as to get their attention.

"No fighting for one night. Please? The food will be here soon."

"Wait, you didn't cook?" Ten placed his gifts on the coffee table.

You shook your head and he chuckled, high fiving you.

"What are we doing in the meantime? Movie?" Kun sat on the couch, staring at the way Ten didn't let your hand go for a few more moments. "Come sit here," he continued, patting the spot near him, "you said you were very tired."

You sighed and fell on the couch, the sudden movement making Kun wobble so he grabbed your thigh to sustain himself. He considered it a very comfortable armrest since he didn't show any desire to take his hand away.

"We can open the gifts," Ten sat on the ground in front of you with a wiggle of the eyebrows.

Doyoung whined dramatically. "But it took me so much time to arrange them aesthetically."

"No one cares about yours. Y/N, open mine," the younger smiled excited, his smirk making you chuckle once and you accepted the gift he was extending you.

"What's this?"

Doyoung brought his gifts along and sat on the other side of the couch, his shoulder rubbing on you when he tried to find a more comfortable position.

"Open it and you'll see," Ten murmured.

The box under the wrapping paper was foreign to you so you shook it a few times. Kun frowned trying to read better and Doyoung gasped after a few moments of blinking.

"Ten? Is this a vibrator?" you finally asked when your hand wrapped the pink toy.

Ten laughed at your reaction and took the object from your hands.

"Happy birthday. It's a remote vibrator," he explained happily. "You can control it with your phone. Remember when you told me about how it's hard for you to change speed on your vibrator in certain positions? Since it's hard to reach?"

Kun and Doyoung shifted on their seats at his words and you felt your face burn. "Ten! That was confidential," you grabbed the toy back and shoved it into its box.

"Make sure to try it. If you need help to understand how it works I can help you," he winked and you couldn't help but giggle a little.

"Well, now you have to check mine," Doyoung disrupted the moment by shoving his box in your arms instead.

Ten leaned back on his hands with a grin, so sure of his gift being the best one that he choked on air at the sight of the white delicate material in your hands.

"Oh, Doyoung! It's beautiful!" you touched the lingerie with your fingertips before lifting it, looking at the way the light could easily pass through it. "I hope it fits."

"It will," Doyoung was proudly smiling at you, probably patting himself on the shoulder in his head.

"Doyoung keeps staring at your ass so he probably knows your size but I won't believe it will fit until I see you in that myself," Ten passed his tongue on his lip and you rolled your eyes positively amused.

"Ten, stop being horny challenge," Kun murmured.

"I can let you see her in my gift if you let me also teach her how to use the toy," Doyoung offered a deal.

"Uhm? Guys? I'm right here?"

Ten and Doyoung ignored you, deep into their stares battles until Ten smiled slyly as if they silently came to a compromise by themselves.

"Y/N? What do you seriously think about that?" he locked eyes with you, the heaviess of that suggestion making a lump form inside your throat.

"Model that for us?" Doyoung whispered on your side. "We just want to make sure it fits," he raised his palms, no sly intentions - he meant.

Passing the occasion to fuck your hottest friends on your birthday? You were all heated up at the thought and you did want to hide away, but their hungry eyes gave you courage.

So you shrugged, faking nonchalance. "Okay."

The guys let out surprised sounds and Kun's hands on his gifts tightened, making the packet crinkle.

Doyoung sat up from the couch and Ten followed suit as if needing to move. The sudden change of air made your hair swoosh and you chuckled before noticing Kun's gift.

"Oh, right," you tried to take it but Kun was quick to pull it away.

"It's not for me?" you blinked at him a few times.

"Uhm," Kun sucked the air through his teeth.

"Oh? Kunnie is embarrassed that his gift is very PG? Did you buy socks?" Ten teased him, the hot pink toy already in his hands making his image even wilder.

"Come on, Kun," you smiled. "Whatever it is, it's alright. I'll love it," you assured him, stretching one hand again and you both laughed as he kept it out of your reach. "Kun!" you grunted, almost climbing in his lap.

The man slid away from you on the couch, your body hovering over his when he didn't have any more space to run away to, until you straddled his waist and made your way upwards, grabbing at his extended arms and pulling down.

A little triumphal squeal left your lips when you reached the box and you quickly opened it. Kun let out a defeated sigh, his free hands now resting on your thighs draped on both sides of his torso.

So concentrated on the gift, you didn't even notice the lack of teasing from the other two when Kun whispered.

"You can use it as a blindfold."

The silk scarf in your hands felt like water on your skin.

"What?" you finally realized what Kun said.

"Like this," he sat up and your body slid down to his thighs in the movement. He took the scarf and gently placed it on your eyes.

It felt so soft on your eyelids that you sighed pleased.

You chuckled slightly embarrassed from the sudden silence but it was quick to get disrupted when you felt your lips kissed gently by Kun.

"It heightens your other senses," he whispered like a demonstration.

The other two groaned loudly, bickering about how you needed to change into the lingerie first before doing anything else. But your mind was too concentrated on how Kun's body felt under yours and on his hands palming your lower back and going to cup your ass to actually hear anything at all.

You pushed into the kiss, even more, diving your hands into Kun's hair, the blindfold making the sensation even more acute indeed.

"Kun, don't be greedy," you heard Doyoung talk and Kun let your tongue go. You really liked it and desperately wanted to keep your mouth occupied, so when Kun turned you around with your back to touch his chest, you hummed pleased to feel someone's lips on yours again. A different taste and a different technique and you wondered if it was Doyoung, his teeth on your lower lip making you whine.

"I knew you were a biter," you murmured and his breath, hitting your face as he chucked so close to you, caressed your skin so deliciously that you wanted to feel it everywhere. And thank goodness that Kun was there because he gave you just that, his tongue licking your neck in little circles before he started to suck on it. You whimpered and felt Doyoung pull your jaw, even more, catching all of your sounds with his mouth again.

"I washed it-" you heard Ten enter the living room again and you wondered when he left in the first place. "Oh shit, yall already like this?" he commented and you dropped your hand from Doyoung's stomach to his crotch and felt his hard rock cock under the pants. He bit your lower lip again at the sensation and you whined, mirroring his heavy breaths. Then you whined again, this time alone when Kun's hands were quick to pull your sweater off your frame. He adjusted your blindfold again before palming your arms at the sudden goosebumps formed on your skin.

In a second your lips got occupied again and this time you tasted Ten's chapstick instead of Doyoung's mints, the latter probably occupied with fumbling with your pants. Your bra got opened by Kun's hands at the same moment your bottoms got dragged away from your legs. Your knees buckled under Doyoung's cold touch and he whistled silently when you opened them up to drape over Kun's legs. The latter's fingers were gently cupping your soft breasts and you had to break off the kiss to pant. Ten didn't complain and promptly dropped to your chest instead, letting his tongue draw wet stripes around your nipples then flicking your swollen buds with such vigour to make you squirm in Kun’s arms.

“You’re so fucking wet,” you heard Doyoung’s voice somewhere on your left, probably enjoying the view. “You like to have three guys all over you, don’t you?”

Your mind started to buzz when Kun’s hands dropped to your stomach, your breasts occupied by Ten’s mouth, and when they grasped at the cotton of your panties you squeezed your thighs together.

Doyoung clicked his tongue and lightly slapped them open again. “Be a good girl and open for Kun.”

“Are you going to take my fingers well, baby?” you heard the latter whisper into your ear. You moaned, letting your head fall backwards on his shoulder and Kun was quick to suck on your exposed neck.

“Yeah,” you breathed out and your hands automatically went to Ten’s hair and pulled when Doyoung hooked his fingers under your panties and dragged them down your legs.

Completely nude in front of them, you could feel Kun’s jeans rubbing on your bare ass skin, his soft sweater making you want to fall deeper into his embrace.

“Fuck, I might just cum right now,” Ten murmured, lightly caressing your legs.

You wondered what he was looking at but then in a moment your lips got parted by Kun's fingers and when he started to gently rub your wetness, everyone swore softly under their breath, and you knew.

You whined and arched your back into his touch, the thought of giving them all a show going to your head. And you got even dizzier when Kun turned your head around to shove his tongue inside your mouth just when you felt someone else's tongue lap at your core.

The wet sounds were sinful and there were so many hands on your body that you squirmed, the heat of them collecting all inside the nub someone was mercilessly flicking. And when he groaned, breathing out on your pussy, you recognized his voice and tried to imagine just how hot Doyoung looked between your legs.

"I want to see you," you murmured breathlessly against Kun's mouth. Ten clicked his tongue amused.

"Don't think so."

"You need to cum first, baby. Is that alright?" Kun asked with a low raspy voice.

His hands kept roaming your breasts and his cock was so hard against your ass that you wanted him to bury it in you already.

A loud wet smack made it difficult for you to talk and Doyoung's soft laugh sent vibrations through your body.

"Yeah. This is how I want you. Fucked so good it's difficult to talk."

Your legs twitched as you felt his fingertips nudge at your entrance and when you felt one slowly pumping you, your own fingers gripped Kun's arms that were keeping up thighs apart.

"If you're like this with just one finger, what's going to happen with all of our cocks?" Ten wickedly whispered near your jaw and you realized he was kneeling on the couch near you.

"Are you going to be a good girl and take Ten in your soft mouth, baby?" Kun's teeth grated at your earlobe and you gasped loudly, feeling Doyoung inserting his second finger, scissoring inside of you so deliciously to make you beg.

"Close, please, so close-," you mumbled then moaned Doyoung's name as he sucked on your hard clit.

Your sounds got all choked up as you felt Ten's fingers tapping at your lower lip. You opened your mouth wide, tongue out waiting for him. Kun's blunt nails dug into your ass at the view and Ten grunted, presumably fisting his cock before slowly pushing past your lips. You relaxed your jaw and lifted your palms to place on his stomach but Kun was quick to grab your wrists and block your movements.

"We want you helpless, baby. No touching. Let Ten have fun with you as he pleases."

His voice was so teasing that your whined, face stuffed with Ten's cock, giving Doyoung even more drive to eat you all out. He knew you were close so he picked up the pace, for a moment the only sounds in the room - your wet pussy and choking sounds. The vibrations of your throat were driving Ten insane as he held your head with one hand and fucked your mouth. Kun's fingers flicking your nipples just added to it and you were completely gone, cumming on Doyoung's hot tongue in seconds, legs shaking and hands gripping the first thing you could find.

"Fuck, you're so good," Ten's voice was becoming a whine as he let you go to breathe and come down your high.

Doyoung's lips were peppering kisses on your thighs as Kun's praises lingered in your ears.

"Now give us another one, babe," Doyoung hovered over you and kissed your lips, letting you have a taste of your arousal.

You dragged the blindfold to your neck and squinted, the view keeping you dizzy.

You turned your head to Ten and opened your mouth again, shifting off Kun's lap. Ten was quick to slide on your tongue, hand grabbing a fistful of your hair to anchor himself. You whined and felt Kun's hands grab your waist, letting him adjust your body on all fours to his liking. And when you heard his belt unbuckling, your whole body twitched again.

"Shit," he let his palm drag between your wet lips, wetting his cock with his fist and pumping himself a few times.

Ten was kind enough to slide out as Kun stretched you out because it felt so good that you gritted your teeth.

"Good girl," Doyoung hummed, hand moving your hair out of your face. "Does that feel good?"

"Yeah," you breathed out. "Want your cock too."

Doyoung inhaled sharply and took his phone out of the back pocket. Ten moaned curses and you looked up right in time to see the hot spurts before closing your eyes. You felt them on your face and you were quick to open your mouth as well.

"Fuck, Y/N," Ten breathed out, collecting some with his fingers and shoving them in your mouth. You licked them thoroughly, jolting as Kun spanked your ass once as if requiring your attention. He didn't need that, because the way his heavy cock felt inside of you was the only thing roaming your head, and when Doyoung finally got close too, you realized what the phone was needed for.

The buzz of the vibrator filled your ears and when he placed it on your nipples first you thought you were going to go insane.

"Hm, our little fuck toy enjoys this quite a lot," Doyoung hummed, letting it slide down your stomach.

"Do our little toy also want all of her pretty holes used?" Kun asked, his spit falling between your asscheeks under his thumb. He caressed you gently before giving it a trial press down.

"Yeah yeah please," you breathed out, wiggling your ass against his stomach when he stopped fucking you.

"Toy or cock princess?" Ten caressed your face with both hands, lips so close that you were dying to kiss him.

"Cock."

"Hm," he smiled wickedly. "Doyoung, you heard the order."

Said man chuckled. "Yes ma'am."

Kun was quick to slide out and you whined at the sudden emptiness. The toy passed from Doyoung's hands to Ten's and for a moment you wondered what they would use that for now.

"Ride me, love," Kun looked breathtaking leaning down on the couch. You turned around and straddled his lap, the build-up of your orgasm already gone and you were desperate to go back there.

You closed your eyes as you sat on his cock again, sliding down slowly until meeting the base with your clit. Kun grabbed your waist and pulled you down on his chest, your nipples starting to rub on his sweater. You loved it but needed his naked body so you slid your palms underneath it to meet his hot skin. He lifted his arms up and threw it to the side, letting your breasts bounce on his face as you rolled your hips.

A sudden movement made you turn your head behind you to where Doyoung placed himself. His palms soothed your spine and got to your face. You accepted his fingers into your mouth as Kun watched with open lips - just the view of his cock disappearing inside of you enough to make him go over the edge. As Doyoung's fingers gently nudged at your asshole, Kun gladly accepted your nipples in his mouth, hands squeezing the base of them.

"Relax, baby. You're doing so well," Doyoung's low voice accompanied his fingering.

"Fuck," you grabbed Kun's hands, the difference between their movements, gently and harsh, making you unable to think. And you almost forgot about Ten right where the buzz of the vibrator got closer to you.

"Ah shit," Doyoung groaned through gritted teeth, his tip slowly going past your entrance. "I've always wanted to fuck your pretty ass."

You inhaled sharply at the sensation, Kun stopping with difficulty to give you time to adjust to Doyoung's girth and when you begged them to move again, they didn't hold back.

It was intoxicating and so dirty that your head was spinning. They fucked you at different speeds on purpose and you were bouncing between their bodies like an actual fuck toy.

"Such a good slut, taking two cocks at the same time," Ten commented, his hand already palming himself again.

Kun let his head fall back and closed his eyes, his trembling hands on your waist telling you he was close.

"Are you going to let Kun cum inside that little pussy of yours?" Doyoung leaned down, grabbing your jaw to tilt your head backwards.

"Yeah, yes, yes," you mumbled nonsense, so close to the edge yourself.

Doyoung's hand slid to your neck and pressed a little, choking your loud moans.

It all got desperate in a matter of moments, Kun's rhythmic thrusts completely gone and Doyoung's quick snaps to keep you on edge, all until Kun groaned and went limp underneath you. His cum filled you all up as he thrust a few more times riding his high.

"Not a single baby girl will remain unsatisfied," Ten announced, breath heavy thanks to the spectacle, the toy in his hands finally making sense when he placed it on your clit. Everyone groaned as you clenched on their cocks, Kun's half-hard one still inside of you.

"Fuck, Ten-," he whimpered.

"What is it, Kun? Can't take some overstimulation?" his friend teasingly retorted.

"Cumming-cumming so close-," you fell on Kun's chest and he wrapped your body with his arms as it swung back and forth at Doyoung's movements.

The latter was also close given his heavy breath and tight grip on your ass.

"Are you going to cum with me, love?" he asked. "Can't do it alone, understood?"

"Shit Doyoung-,"

"Understood?" he slapped your ass harshly and you mewled, nodding fast.

"Keep that in," Ten whispered, adjusting the vibrator to hit the sweetest spot on purpose.

Kun whined against your face, his cock already hard again inside of you but unable to move.

"Three-," Doyoung's voice was rough.

You whined, nails leaving red marks on Kun's shoulders.

"I can't anymore!"

"Two-"

Your legs started to shake uncontrollably as Doyoung's cock railed you just as intensly.

"Cum for me princess," he finally ordered and you almost screamed, the orgasm washing over you so hard that you were afraid you'd blackout. Doyoung came just as hard, his cum filling your other hole to the rim.

Ten gave you a break and took away the wet toy, his eyes blown out and panting lips.

"You're so fucking gorgeous," he whispered.

Kun's cock twitched inside of you and you let him go, sliding down on his body as Doyoung sat back on the couch, eyes trained on the way you were spilling with his seed. You let your legs drap over his thighs, resting on your stomach as you reached Kun's cock, eagerly taking it into your mouth. Your ass in the air on Doyoung's lap was too pretty to be left alone and Ten was quick to hand the other the toy.

"Fuck, you're amazing," Kun grabbed your face, looking at the way you pursed your lips around him.

You were a mess - pleasure tears poking at your eyes, saliva on your chin and cum sliding out of your holes. Doyoung was quick to push it inside again with the vibrator though, loving the way your ass jiggled in his hold under his light spanks. You cried out at the overstimulation then whined helplessly again as Ten spread your legs apart.

"Can you take me as well, love?" he pressed his tip on your raw clit and when you let out a positive moan he slid inside easily with a deep swear. He felt heavenly and his whiny void was by far the sexiest.

Doyoung stood up to give Ten some room to play in and he got close to your stuffed face. You hummed around Kun's cock and your body shook as Ten gently placed the toy between your ass cheeks as he fucked your tight pussy.

You looked up at Doyoung with glossy eyes and letting Kun go for a moment you let your tongue out.

Doyoung smiled wickedly and slid his cock inside your mouth.

#doyoung smut #ten smut #kun smut #nct smut #wayv smut #uhm yeah anyways #ill just disappear #nct imagines #nct scenarios #nct pwp #doyoung #ten #kun

576 notes · View notes

twink-frank · 3 years

Text

hi i’ve noticed the pencey prep gay conversation going on over on @awsugar and i have spent lots of time dissecting pencey prep lyrics and subjecting nathan @faggot-frank to my deranged ramblings so Here is my pencey prep super ultra mega gay lyrical analysis masterpost. it’s very long so its all under the cut but i will include a TL;DR for those who dont wanna read paragraphs of my deranged ramblings: Pencey prep uses lots of themes of: heartbreak, forbidden love, keeping love a secret, and toxic relationships. which none of that is gay on its own but combined with them almost never using gender indicators in their songs and the “nail in the coffin song” of 8th grade it ends up being a very Fruity Album.

I will be going through heart break in stereo in order and pointing out which lyrics and elements of certain songs jump out to me as Super Mega Gay and then summarizing my conclusions at the end <3

1 ) PS Don't Write

PS don't write is about leaving a toxic relationship, it has notes of moving on and leaving someone behind. "packed up all my shit / stole back all my tapes / left your spare key under the mat / this is not a joke / you'd better learn to take a hint / 'cause i'm not coming back / maybe you'll understand / when you're waking up alone / in a cold and empty bed." it has no gender indicators or pronouns which is the case in a lot of pencey prep songs, and something i'll bring up quite a bit. it also has general "coming of age" themes, something common in lots of pencey prep songs. which Yeah apply to straight people to but read in this context combined with future evidence can be pretty Fuckin Gay. "somewhere along the line / i found a hidden strength / i didn't know i had / standing on my own / cutting all the strings / that you used to control / surprise surprise / i am long gone / if you thought you could hold me down / by holding me up / you were wrong / you don't call the shots anymore." not to say only gay people can find inner strength and the room to love themselves but combined with other context it is a really poignant message about accepting yourself for who you are.

2) Yesterday

Yesterday is very repetitive and has a lot less to analyze, but the constant themes of wanting to "run away" strike me as very Fruity. once again, not saying gay people are the only people who can want to run away or escape from something But Combined With Other Context. and once again a song with no gender indicators, doesnt specify who the speaker is running away with or what they are running away from. just that they want to Leave. "i wanna run with you / i don't care what we do / gotta get out of this place / because it feels like yesterday." also saying "it feels like yesterday" could mean that the town feels backwards or old timey in its beliefs, implying homophobia. how the speaker wants to run away from an old fashioned town.

3) Don Quixote

i'm going to bring up the cultural significance of this title and literary reference first. Don Quixote is a classical novel by Cervantes which is about a crazy dude who thinks he's a knight, and goes on weird adventures with his best friend. It's typically used as a symbol of following your dreams and breaking free from what people expect of you. In the context of the song its used as a symbol of following your dreams with Someone. once again this someone is given no gender indicators. "you say it's not worth it / been burned too many times / if your spine's receding / you can borrow some of mine / don't go and quit right now / cause i'd follow you through hell." "you say so many things / and not a word of it was true / if you're still in that state of mind / i'd still vacation inside of you / cause i think you're worth every minute / and every dime that i spend / i'd spend all my time fighting dragons / just to keep you alive and talking." it's about wanting to spend time with someone, wanting to be with them no matter what. and its also about how this person feels unreachable, like being with them would be a fairytail but the speaker Still Reaches for it. "your imaginations running wild / round your deceptive heart / this is my crusade / and you're the unreachable star / but i'm reaching." talking about this person being unreachable and unattainble. which isnt gay By Itself but again combined with the other context. FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

4) 10 Rings

another breakup song once again with no gender indicators, are you guys sensing a theme here? anyways this song is about someone cutting you off and then coming back suddenly wanting to talk again after breaking your heart. it has a sense of forbidden love, like this person Told the speaker they cant be together for Whatever Reason ;] and is now trying to come back and repair their mistake when the speaker is already hurt and reeling. "learn to live with decisions you make / i learned things from the break i can't forget / catch you doing drive-bys at 1 AM / it must kill you to know we can't be friends." "end of the summer you cut me off / i cut you out all the pictures i have." which this Isnt Gay By Itself. but bringing that phrase back with other context this is such a uniquely gay experience. being in love with someone and they cut you off Because theyre weirded out by that and then they try to come back, convince you it meant nothing.

5) The Secret Goldfish

my FAVORITE pencey song. this one has a lot. it's another breakup song about heartbreak and loss and im not even gonna dwell on the no gender indicators because yall see the theme now. it has themes of heartbreak and losing someone who is very close to you and having to let go of them and having to accept that this person cant be yours and you cant be with them. "land of the lost / i found myself in nothing / this time, promises broken find me / clutching to you for something / something that you're not / believing in what you say / it makes me lie awake at night / the truth, the truth is not what scares me / it's why you have to lie / all the time." here we see these themes of having to let someone go because they just Aren't The Same as you. "clutching to you for something / something that you're not." maybe like chasing after a straight boy and getting rejected? also the repetition of "heartbreak is forever" when you're young and gay losing that first person you felt some kind of love and attraction to can feel like the end of the world and can be a huge deal because of the lack of representation and guidance young gays get. and the themes of nothing lasting forever, the fact that gay people never get promised eternal love the same way straight people do.

6) 8th Grade

this song is the nail in penceys fucking coffin honestly. the rest of these songs have a lot of plausible deniability, just vague enough to maybe Not Be Gay. but framed in the context of 8th grade they all start to get a lil fruity. Im just gonna go through lyric by lyric for this one. "caught staring again / like a deer in the headlights / when you can't move fast enough / i take a hit for the team / pretty girl is blushing / i can't tell if she's disgusted / laughter starts to swell / someone gets the joke." this kid was staring at some cute boy ass and got caught and everyone is laughing at him for being gay. the "pretty girl" here is what most people think he's staring at but with the rest of the song it's obvious she's not the one he's looking at. "bells ring, i make my escape / helps a little, but doesn't save / beat downs a common thing / with us every day / maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools / so maybe i like the abuse / or maybe i just like you." literally This is the nail in penceys fucking coffin. "maybe i like the abuse or maybe i just like you." this kid purposefully takes beatings from his bully who is Obviously male if you take into context the next verse. because he Likes Him. "maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools" literally willingly taking beatings from his bully bc he has a crush. "another confrontation / you've got something to prove / your girl can't tell how tough you are / when you beat me up in the boys room." this just confirms that the subject of the song is a boy, and a tough macho boy with something to prove. maybe also hiding his own internalized homophobia through bullying? "well i made a big mistake / but i can't help who i like / this may not cost my life / but i am branded forever lame." LITERALLY ITS RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. "can't help who i like" "branded forever lame" do i even need to fucking explain this oh my god. he got outed as gay, he Can't Help Who He Likes and is now branded forever as "the gay kid." the rest of the song is general "im gonna get back at my bully" stuff but literally THIS. THIS is the song that brands all penceys other very vague songs as 100% verified super mega ultra gay.

7) 19

this song has a lot less, and is more about internal struggle than anything. but it is the only song with a "she" pronoun in it. but there is one thing i wanna mention. "I scream out loud / but no one hears a sound / i take my life with lack of sleep / i believe the things i feel / the things i see are fooling only me." this song is about not believing what the world shows you, believing what you think is true in your heart and what You feel. not what anyone else tells you. which is a gay experience. believing in yourself and your heart and your feelings, believing theyre right and theyre true and valid. Also this song has a significance in coming right after 8th grade on the album, going from being 13 to 19, from being unsure in your feelings and angry about the people who dont like you to lost and hopeless but somewhat grounded in yourself.

8) Trying To Escape The Inevitable

this song is about an abusive and toxic relationship, knowing you Need to escape it but being so infatuated with the person you literally cant. “i have this reoccurring dream / you make it hard for me to breathe / i gave you everything i could / i gave up everything i owned / and when you smile it’s not for me / you offer little sympathy / your grasp so far exceeds your reach / i wake up, this is not a dream.” “i have this reoccuring dream / where you admit that you’re not happy / i know that you will never leave / you’re here just to torment me.” which like again this isnt an exclusively gay experience but it is very interesting when framed that way. in that gay people are way more likely to throw themselves into abusive and toxic relationships because they dont feel like they can get anybody else. the repetition of “i know i should run” makes it seem like the speaker Knows he should get out but he just Cant because what if he never finds love again? and the little reprise in the middle “i have a new dream / and everything is perfect / the sky is pink, yellow, green, blue, and orange / and all the past has been forgotten / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and i fell into your trap.” implying that even if he escapes, even in his dreams he still falls for this person because he feels like he cant have anything else.

9) Lloyd Dobbler

another love song about wanting to have someone but not being able to because of Unspecified Forbidden Reasons. “why are you so far away / even when you’re standing next to me? / your eyes give you away / telling secrets your mouht don’t feel like talking.” falling in love with someone, maybe sensing that they like you too. that they Are Like You and that they have a Secret they dont want to vocalize. do i even need to explain it at this point? and in the chorus “That I’ll be your lloyd dobbler / with a boom box out in the street / and i’ll be there if you need someone / even if he isn’t me.” saying you’ll be there for someone even if that person isn’t you, also the use of Pronouns which is big for pencey prep. which yes the use of “even if he isnt me” could imply a straight girl ooorrr....Fruit Behavior. also this line “There’s a norman rockewll painting / of two kids sitting on a bench / it reminds me of all the stupid things / i’d like for us to share, but i dont care.” normal rockwell is a painter that paints traditionally “american” scenes. like the american ideal, that maybe he wants with this person. but he knows he cant have, but its stupid and domestic and he wants it but he Cant Have It because of FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

10) Florida Plates

another of my favorite pencey songs, and this one brings back those tragic “love but we cant have it” themes, except with a more somber tone. instead of being angry or resentful or spiteful in the face of adversity. its an Acceptance, of what they had and how good it was and how it just Cant Last. “kiss a mouth to open eyes / stall one last moment before goodbye / drive in different cars in different directions / never write all the letters full of good words, better intentions / it’s for the best although we don’t know it / paper words will cheapen the moments we shared / it’s better if i say nothing at all.” it’s about knowing you have to leave someone, even if having them in the moment is great they Can’t Stay and you can’t even talk or write about the moments you had. which do i even need to explain it at this point? forbidden love, not being able to have each other, not even being able to Talk about it. its a secret, and painful one but its beautiful while you have it. Conclusion alright!!! thank you so so much if you read all the way through that i Know it was long i Know it was a lot of repetition but i wanted to make my point. pencey prep has very big gay themes in their music. with forbidden love, letting go, heartbreak, keeping secrets, toxic realtionships. which none of it is gay on its own but in the context of: almost none of the songs having clear gender indicators and always speaking really vaguely about the subject and Eight Grade the “nail in the coffin song” you can see my point thank you and goodnight.

#adrian speaks #mcr #pencey prep #frank iero

36 notes · View notes

atsunflower · 4 years

Text

Hospital for souls — Intro

Rated: SFW

Author note: hey yall! This is the first chapter for my "Throne: the series". Remember, it's a yakuza!au, so there will be lots of mentions of dark themes. This chapter, thought, is safe and kind of plain, but totally important to the start. Please, enjoy your reading!

Warnings: cursing and slight mentions of anxiety and OCD.

I — Intro

Previous || Next

You walked down the aisle sandwiched between two bodies clad in Armani suits. Even though they knew you woudn’t dare to, they held you like you were about to run away from this whole circus.

There was no bridal march, neither a suntuous decoration. The Elie Saab gown you wore was heavy on your body, making you feel like you didn't belong; the harsh glares thrown at you didn't help either.

You felt helpless.

In the end of the red carpet, a man stood tall and stoic. His hair wasn't combed so the wavy locks were free to frame his face; the harsh glare he gave you three did nothing to diminish his beauty — at least, you tought, he's not a creepy old man. But this fact don't made you feel any relief.

Your head then hung low, as if you were trying to vanish away from this ceremony. The blond man by your left tightened the hold in your arm —not for support, but as warning— while the gray haired one only clicked his tongue; their implicit threat made your skin craw.

Two months ago, you'd never imagine your life would change completely, considering you weren't given any options.

Two months ago, a tall brown haired man would escort you out of the hospital you worked and then, take you to your doom: from a fatherless daughter to a bastard of Inarizaki and then, a bride for a man you never saw before. A whole arrangement that lasted 60 days and took you away from everything you had, from everything you knew.

Lost in thoughts, you didn't feel when your steps halted nor when the two figures who held you let go of your arms to take their seats. The man waiting for you don't bothered to acknowledge your presence by his side, but you saw his features hardening once you reached for him.

In shades of orange and black, the venue pretty much looked like a courtroom, its aesthetic doing nothing to ease your nerves. In the pulpit, an old man stood proud, sporting a wise aura only the time could give him.

The elder cleared his throat and everyone in the room stood on their feet.

"Good evening ladies, gentlemen and the distinguished people from the families" his voice sounded loud and mighty, even if he wasn't using a mic. "Tonight, we are reunited to celebrate an unprecendented moment in the history of our kind: the union of Inarizaki and Itachiyama households"

A minute of silence was made; everyone in the place held a solemn face, waiting for the man to proceed.

"I, Ukai Ikkei, the elder of Karasuno, feel honoured to lead such important event" He said placing his right hand on his chest "Assuring you all that, Karasuno, the household responsible for all the bureaucracy and diplomacy related to our activities, is still commited to keep a neutral eye over families matters only to officialize, document and inspect the agreements between the families. That being said, the ceremony shall begin."

His raspy voice dragged the boring speech until a men with bleached hair walked to where you and the groom stood, with a huge book in his hands. He carefully placed it on the desk in front of you, grabing the leathern material of its cover and opening it.

"Tonight, a new chapter is added to the Book of Deals. With clauses that concern only the involved parts, we witness the signing of this agreement by the main heads of Inarizaki and Itachiyama, as well the bride's signature. But first, shall we hear the marriage votes and the exchange of rings"

A man from Itachiyama's side stood and came to you both, holding a black velvety box. He opened it, offering its contents at you first; you took the larger golden band and started:

"I, [L/N; Name], daughter of Inarizaki, give you, Sakusa Kiyoomi, this ring as a symbol of my commitment to you and Itachiyama, manifesting my will to this alliance between our families" surprisingly, your voice sounded steady while reciting the speech you knew by heart, paying no mind to the snickering behind you.

Sakusa looked at you with distaste, his body going stiff the moment you held his hand and slipped the golden band to his ring finger. He then took the remaining jewel and turned to you:

"I thee wed" and you felt even more humiliated, the jiggles only adding more weight to the diamond ring in your finger.

To your relief, Ukai cleared his throat again, proceeding with the formalities

"Now may the newly weds to sign the Book. I also summon Inarizaki oyabuns to officialize the deal." Atsumu and Osamu were by your side, eager to finish this. Sakusa went first, smoothly running the pen over the page. Then, Ukai handed him a glistening object.

God, you hated it here.

Using the lancet, the tall ravenette punctured his thumb, smearing the blood between his fingers and then pressing the red fingerprint onto the blank paper.

Before handing you the fountain pen, he fished a tube of hand sanitizer from his pocket, rubing the alchool as if his life depended on it.

Did the man suffer of OCD? You almost pitied him. Almost.

Then, it was your turn. Scribbling down your name next to his, you sealed your fate.

Sakusa [Name].

You flinched when you felt your thumb getting punctured, Atsumu doing you the favor and smirking at your reaction; why the man hated you so much?

The blood stained the beautiful dress you wore, before printing your mark on the paper.

Almost a metaphor, as if you were now tainted too.

When the twins were done, the old Ukai was more than ready to wrap the event.

"With both consents and the power vested in me by the families, I now pronouce you married. May peace prevail among Inarizaki and Itachiyama"

"Aren't the newly-weds supposed to kiss now?" You heard Atsumu whispering to Osamu. The latter merely scoffed at his brother's stupid antics.

Everyone got out of the room, since Karasuno would host a reception in honor of the wedding.

During your time in Inarizaki, you learned that the place worked as a hotel for the Yakuza.

The Crow, as it is called, was supposed to be a neutral space where the most important matters to the families were held. With a glamourous western architecture, it looked like one of those luxury mansions from the movies.

In the ballroom, soft piano melodies were being played and waiters offered booze to the guests.

The champagne tasted stale in your mouth.

You were now sitting alone in a table on the corner, observing the other people mind their own business, too absorbed in their bubble of power and crime.

You would never get the way they acted so nonchalant, when everything they had was made of blood. This coldness was scaring.

"Why are you so sad in your big day?" The snarky question almost had you spitting the champagne. The brunette sat by your side, his mouth doing a soft curve as an apologetic smile.

"You tell me, you little shit" your reply came in a joking tone, trying to ease the bad sensation on your guts, but he got what you meant.

"You know, it could've been worse." he let out a breath, looking around the saloon "You know how Atsumu is. Also, Osamu shares that weird twin bond of theirs, so it's hard to tell what he's thinking. But it definetely could have been worse"

"I figured it out by myself, Suna-kun. It's just hard to accept the fact I was dragged to this against my own will." a tear rolled in your left cheek and the man by your side wiped it with his thumb.

"Yeah, but the former lady wanted you dead back then" always blunt, he never held back when stating the facts "Things work this way between the families. You were lucky you haven't to face a bigger mess" he held your hand over the table, while propping his chin on the other palm.

It was Suna who brought you into this life. Though, you never resented him because you knew he was just following strict orders. Besides, he was the only one who was nice towards you; never knowing when it happened, you both agreed on this weird friendship a couple of weeks ago. Now he was the only person you cared about.

"But it's not that bad. You are going to live in that huge ass mansion of your husband" the playful tone and the way he wiggled his eyebrows was comical. "You also can see the weird faces he makes first hand. Man, the way he looked constipated during the ceremony was fucking priceless." You accompanied him on a snort, almost forgetting the circumstances.

"I'm going to miss your antics so bad" and you would have said more, if it wasn't for the shadow looming over you.

Sakusa was standing behind your chair, with a face mask covering his features.

If stares could kill, you'd be dead on spot.

"Time to go" was all he said, waiting for you. You bid goodbye to Suna and followed your husband out of the hotel, a sleek sports car waiting for you two while you made your way towards it.

He stopped dead on his tracks, taking a hold of you arm.

"Listen. Itachiyama is famous for respecting our women." You frowned "But know your place and don't even try to make a fool of me or of my household, got it?" His voice was slighty muffled by the mask, but you still understood every single word he said.

"What do you mean?" You asked, ignoring the way he tightened the grip on your arm, resuming his steps.

"Simple. Stay out of my way or you'll deeply regret it, you fox runt."

❥ tagging: @kenmamazing, @keekee-732, @chiibichann, @shinguchi, @captain-shittykawa, @fortheloveofbakugo, @daisyjaebae, @jihoonspout, @floodinginstars, @fl4mepillar, @trash4sportsanime, @translucentthoughts, @kemochie;

#throne: the series #sakusa kiyoomi x reader #sakusa x reader #sakusa kiyoomi #sakusa scenarios #haikyuu!!#haikyuu #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu yakuza au #throne haikyuu yakuza au

445 notes · View notes

dkronpa · 4 years

Text

Chapter 4: The Sky is Just a Skip Away ~Daily Life Part 2~

//Sorry this took so long yall but it’s here! I’ll get started on the investigation as soon as, so I hope you all enjoy this chapter!

-Chapter 4 Daily Life, Secrets in the History (Oxygen Levels – 19%)-

“Huh…? Amaterasu-san?” I watched her walk out of the dorms as I was heading to the dining hall in the morning. She always comes to breakfast in the morning though? …maybe I should follow her. I got a weird feeling about her behaviour the past two days.

We wound up in the history building for some reason. In the library, but not I can’t seem to find her. Stupid library is too big to keep track on people. I began pacing up and down the rows upon rows of books without being able to spot Amaterasu-san at all. Just where did she disappear to?

“Amaterasu-san?” I called out but voice only echoed out, “maybe she went somewhere else…? But I’m sure she came here…” I felt my foot kick against something and looked down to find some kind of hairpin. Doesn’t Amaterasu-san wear a hairpin like this? So, she definitely came in here…

I looked around the area that it was dropped, but nothing looked suspicious. “She couldn’t have just disappeared into thin air…” My eyes fell on the wall of the library. The walls themselves had no bookshelves covering them up, just old wallpaper. On closer inspection, it looked like a section of the wallpaper had been either torn or cut.

“I wonder…” I murmured, feeling around the wall for a bit. As I approached where the tear was, my hand managed to push a switch that was hidden underneath the wallpaper. The wall shuddered and slid open towards me.

“A hidden passageway…? What the hell?” I pulled the door open further and entered the hidden area. It was a dimly lit room covered wall-to-wall in old dusty bookshelves. Is it really just more books in here? I walked further into the room and took in the surroundings.

“What is this place…?”

“It’s the archives.”

“Uwah!” I jumped, turning to find Amaterasu-san hiding in between two of the bookshelves. “A-Amaterasu-san?! Y-you scared me…”

“I noticed.” She said.

“What are you doing here…? You said it was, what? An archive? An archive for what?”

“A lot of different things. There is a lot of top-secret government files and police records and stuff. It’s all unmarked so I dunno what else is in here. Kinda just reading through everything to get a full scope of things…”

“How did you even find this place…?”

“Found it yesterday. In my lab I noticed this empty space on a map of the History Building that was connected to the library, so I decided to investigate. Found it pretty quickly. Monokuma even said if I search enough there could be a clue or something in here.” She explained.

“Huh?! A clue?! Then we should tell the others, the more people we have-“

“No, we can’t.” Amaterasu-san said forcefully. “Monokuma also said that I can’t tell anybody about this, but if they discover it on their own, it’s fine. He never said I wasn’t allowed leave clues for people so when I saw you following me, I dropped that hairclip. Speaking of which, can I get it back?”

“O-oh…yeah.” I handed back the hairclip. “That looks new, where did you get it?”

“Mami-chan gave it to me. She said it was a token of friendship or something like that. Kinda felt bad ‘coz I didn’t have anything to give her in return. Oh well.”

At least try to sound bad about it. “I see…it’s a shame we can’t ask people to help out, but I hope you don’t mind if I help out? Maybe we can even lure other people here to help out. Though Monokuma might not be so forgiving if you do that again. The important thing is trying to find a way out before…”

“I hear you. I’ll do what I can. Help me out.” It didn’t sound like a request, but I agreed anyway. Somewhere in these walls could be a clue to getting out of here…I need to find it.

“I’m happy to be assisting you, Amaterasu-san. What kind of things have you found so far?”

“Like I said, not much. Just top-secret stuff and police records. Nothing relating to Hope’s Peak or anything about weird projects that could be the killing game.”

“But it sounds like government files are in here. Maybe we just need to search the right shelf. If you continue from wherever you were, I can search the other side of the room. I’m a fast reader as well, so let’s do our best.”

“Right.” Amaterasu-san nodded. I was hoping to get her to crack a smile, but no luck. I suppose she’s still not ready to open up completely, but I’m happy to be working with her.

*Ding dong, bing bong*

“Alright, bastards! It is now 10pm and therefore night-time! The cafeteria will be locked, and certain places are now prohibited!” Monokuma’s announcement ended and I rubbed my eyes. The dust was making it hard to read for this long, it feels like I’ve barely made a dent in this first shelf.

“If you want, you can head to bed. This place isn’t prohibited at night-time, so I don’t mind staying behind and reading a little more.”

“No, I wouldn’t want to leave more work to you…”

“I work better at night. Go.” She said. For some reason, it was hard to argue with Amaterasu-san when her voice got stern.

“Thank you, I’ll be sure to come by after breakfast.” I said. Amaterasu-san didn’t react, not even a nod. But we had a silent agreement to meet again.

As I was walking past the central fountain, I saw the silhouette of somebody just off the path towards the Talent Building. Getting closer I could make out the frame of Yokozawa-san, struggling to fit a large number of chips in his arms.

“Y…Yokozawa-san? What are you-“

“Nagata-kun, help me out instead of just standing there.” Yokozawa-san barked the order as he stood up, bags of chips falling from his arms. “I’m trying to take these to my lab so can you just…pile the rest of them on top? It would be a big help.”

“Huh?! Are you…planning to eat all of these?!”

“Of course, I’m pulling an all-nighter. I already brought a bunch of soda to my lab earlier, now I just need good snack food.” As he spoked, I picked up a few packets and noticed they were all the same.

“Cheese puffs?”

“They’re my favourite.” He said.

“I…see…what are you pulling an all-nighter for?”

“I’m still trying to figure out the wi-fi password on that computer set-up. I’m telling you, once I can get logged onto the wi-fi, it’s gonna be big. We’ll be able to get out of here in no time!” That’s right, I had forgotten about the computer…

“Do you think you can figure it out?”

“I’m not sure. But doing nothing won’t help anybody, y’know? So, I’ll keep up my work and try to get us out of here. I promise.”

“You’ve become really determined, huh? Before it kinda seemed like you couldn’t be bothered with most of us.”

“Is that really how I came across…?” Yokozawa-san frowned. “Honestly, I think the problem came from the fact that nobody ever notices me…but it seems like that’s not as much of a problem for you. Most people wouldn’t have seen me just now.”

Probably shouldn’t say it was the bags of chips that stood out before I noticed him, ”Right. I hear you. I hope everything goes well with finding the password. Good luck, Yokozawa-san.” I said, piling the last few bags into his arms, “are you sure you’ll be alright carrying that?”

“Yeah. I only dropped it because I tripped over my foot, so I should be fine getting to my lab. Thanks again, Nagata-kun.” He smiled a little before walking off, doing a little balancing act with all the bags in his arms. Amaterasu-san and Yokozawa-san are both doing their best to find ways out of here, I have to do my part as well…

-Chapter 4 Daily Life, Fear (Oxygen Levels 18%)-

“Nagata! The hell happened to you yesterday?” Okanaya-kun asked me when I was making my way for the door after breakfast. “I was lookin’ around for you, but I couldn’t find you. Me and Kirishima were gonna meet up and try to plan somethin’ to deal with Monokuma, but we wanted your head there too.”

“Dealing with Monokuma?”

“It’s this motive…we gotta look for ways to stop the killing game before things get bad, so Kirishima thought we should get together and figure out a plan. I’m not good at thinkin’ so it would probably just be Kirishima shootin’ down whatever I came up with.”

This is bad, I promised I would help Amaterasu-san. What should I say? “Actually, I can’t help out. I’d really like to, but…I have prior commitments.”

“Prior…huh? The hell could be more important than ending the killing game?!” Okanaya-kun questioned, clearly annoyed.

“Wh-what I mean is, I’m already doing something, but I can’t really talk much about it…”

“You got a plan already? Then show me! Me and Kirishima can totally help out!”

“N-no!” I yelled suddenly; Okanaya-kun’s eyes widened in surprise. “Ah…this is something I have to do on my own, so…I can’t. I’m really sorry, Okanaya-kun. I wish I could tell you, but I just can’t do that.”

“Nagata…you don’t sound like yourself. If you keep saying shit like that, I’ll think the worst…”

“The worst…?” It clicked. What he meant by that. “Okanaya-kun, you don’t seriously think I would do something drastic like that, do you?”

“I dunno, this isn’t like the other motives! Hell, I wouldn’t rule out Asano killing someone at this point!” Thank god the cafeteria is empty, not sure Asano-san would like that accusation.

“You know I would never even consider that!”

“So, what the hell are you considering?!”

“I can’t tell you!”

“Dammit, Nagata!” I hadn’t realise it, but I had ended up with my back against the wall, with Okanaya-kun looming over me. It was like a flashback to that first day and how much he scared me. Okanaya-kun must have realised too because he jumped away, a fear in his eyes. A fear of himself. He looked down at his hands before leaving the cafeteria.

“Okanaya-kun!” I chased after him, he was almost half-way down the hall when I composed myself enough to follow, “Okanaya-kun, wait!”

“Don’t!” He turned and put his hand out, telling me to stop. I did. “Please…just…don’t.” With his gaze glued to the floor, he turned and hastily walked away. Dammit…I really messed up…

-Chapter 4 Daily Life, remember who your friends are (Oxygen Levels 18%)-

“Kurohiko-san…? What are you doing here?” I passed him as I was making my way to the history building.

“I could ask you the same thing. You got business at the History Building today?” He asked me in his usual cheerful manner, though something in his eyes felt a little off.

“I wanted to do some reading in the library, hopefully take my mind off things. There’s so much happening right now, and I think I just need to distract myself for a while.” Which is what I wish I were doing, to be honest.

“Don’t blame you for feeling like that. Though you make it sound like something else is bothering you.” He put his hand to his chin and stared at me for a few moments, “ah. Did you and Okanaya-kun have a fight?”

“Huh?! Y-you could tell?!”

“I know it doesn’t come up much but being a romance expert means I know a little on psychology. You looked like something recent really upset you, but since you were clearly already referencing the motive and something else, I figured it had to be a fight with someone you were close with. More likely candidate was Okanaya-kun.” He explained.

“Kurohiko-san…you’re actually pretty amazing, huh?”

“The ‘actually’ wasn’t necessary.” He deadpanned, “I digress though; what happened?”

“We got into an argument about what to do about the motive, and he got really upset with me. I wanna apologise, but…I think he really needs some space right now.”

“Most likely. Okanaya-kun is that kind of guy, y’know? The type whose feelings need to simmer and settle before he can talk about them. Do you mind asking why you actually argued about something like that? I’m not seeing how that topic could get so heated.”

“Okanaya-kun asked me to help him and Kirishima-san come up with a plan to stop Monokuma or end the killing game or something along those lines, and I declined to help…I have my reasons but I just can’t disclose them. It’s a complicated situation.” I explained. Kurohiko-san gave a thoughtful nod before letting himself smile softly.

“I’m sure it’ll all work out when Okanaya-kun calms down. Just…promise me something, will you? When this motive is over, you’ll really talk to Okanaya-kun about your feelings and his feelings? I think it’ll be really therapeutic for both of you.”

“I understand. We really need to clear the air on that argument as soon as possible.”

“Ah, that’s not what I meant…” Kurohiko-san laughed hollowly. “I suppose I can’t force you to realise. Just…promise me you’ll learn to rely on others a little more? I think that might be your main problem. How many things are you keeping bottled up?”

“That’s…”

“You don’t need to tell me; I know we aren’t close enough for you to tell me your most personal secrets or anything. But…consider telling the two that really wanna see you as a reliable guy.” Kurohiko-san gave me a pat on the shoulder before walking off. Every now and again, he says something pretty helpful. He’s almost like a clumsy big brother.

-Chapter 4 Daily Life, The Sirens Play (Oxygen Levels 18%)-

“Oh. Good, you’re here.” Amaterasu-san waved when I entered the archive. She was already deep in some of the text from her shelf, “I didn’t manage to find anything last night. Still feels like I couldn’t make much progress overall.”

“Even after all that time, huh? Amaterasu-san, I’m worried about all this. Soon it’ll be hard to even read what’s written. What are we gonna do when that time comes?”

Amaterasu-san sat silently for a few moments, “there’s not point thinking about that. We can only do our best in the present. What we do now decides our future.”

“Yeah…you’re right. I’ll get to it then.” I sat in my spot from yesterday and continued where I had marked at and our silent readings began for the day.

I couldn’t tell how many hours had passed since I had started but I had gone through numerous files before stumbling upon one I thought was interesting to look into further. “Amaterasu-san, come check this out.” She got up from her seat and stood peering over my shoulder. The folder I had found was branded with the Hope’s Peak symbol and a tab sticking out on the top simply said ‘Class 79’.

“Hmm…from what I remember, the last class to go into Hope’s Peak was class 78. Which means…”

“Is this about us?” I questioned, opening up the folder. It started with 79-A, containing a list of names that looked unfamiliar. “Are these only first names…? That’s odd, right?”

“A little. Check if there are any other classes.” I flipped through the pages rapidly until I landed on 79-B, again it contained a list of first names though unlike with 79-A, their family names were also given. Hiroaki Yamahata, Ultimate Daredevil. Chieko Arishima, Ultimate Shrine Maiden. Kotone Okuda, Ultimate Bounty Hunter-

“That guy has your family name.” Amaterasu-san suddenly pointed at one of the names on the page. Sora Nagata, Ultimate Riddle Solver.

“Wh…that’s…” I felt a lump in my throat as I tried to speak. His name was listed here…? Why?

“You know him then.” Amaterasu-san concluded.

“S…Sora…he’s my brother. He’s an Ultimate as well. We got accepted together, I never even thought about it until now, but…what happened to him? He’s not here with us. I-is he safe? D-did he get caught in a game like this as well?!”

“Ryuu-chan. Relax. Deep breaths. Sora-chan’s probably fine. If he’s anything like you, then he’ll be alive and well.”

“He’s nothing like me…but, I suppose that’s a good reason for me to think he is alive…but what’s with this document? The A-class is first-name only, but the B-class is full names. Ah…it looks like there’s still more.” I flicked further through until I landed on the page titled ’79-C’. There I found the names I had expected to find. Our group.

“Yeah…we’re all listed there. So, we really were supposed to be a class?” Amaterasu-san said. My mind went back to the photo I found when we first explored the History Building. The one of Kibe-san, Hachi-san, and Irunami-san. I turned the page of the file and found a large collage of photos. Photos of our group- or class -in various situations. One was of Kurohiko-san, Asano-san, and Amaterasu-san baking in a home economics class. Another was of Sly-san who was weilding a knife and chasing a terrified Kurosaki-san down a hallway of a brightly lit school with Kibe-san in the foreground holding up a peace sign.

The whole page was covered in these photos that it felt almost nostalgic to look at. But that nostalgic feeling could have also been nausea. When had these been taken? I had no memory of these and from her actions, Amaterasu-san didn’t seem to either.

“It’s weird…isn’t something missing from these photos?” Amaterasu-san looked closer, her finger tracing along the page, I could hear her counting under her breath. “Fifteen. There are only fifteen different people in these photos…who’s missing?”

I stared at the page. Intensely, I stared. And I stared. Searching, searching, searching. But I couldn’t. “I can’t see me…” I said. My throat felt dry for some reason, my heartbeat was picking up, because why wasn’t I there? I flipped back and saw my name was listed, so why wasn’t I in any photos? Kirishima-san and Okanaya-kun were in a photo together but I wasn’t.

“Ryuu-chan!”

*WHACK*

“Ow!” I dropped the file and held my head where Amaterasu-san smacked it.

“You were panicking. Look, these photos were probably photoshopped or something to make you paranoid or something. You shouldn’t get so worked up over a stupid thing Monokuma probably made himself.” It was hard to know if Amaterasu-san believed those words herself, but I tried to find some comfort in her statement.

“M…maybe you’re right. Maybe he thought doing this would make me a suspect of whoever discovered the archive…?”

“Possibly. Can’t say for sure.”

“Yeah…sorry, I feel a little uneasy. Do you mind if I go get some air?”

“Go ahead. Take a lap of the courtyard or something.” Amaterasu-san suggested. Yeah, that was probably a good idea. I shakily got to my feet and left the archive, the file still playing on my mind.

-2 Months Before Entering Hope’s Peak-

“Haaaaaah…” Sora sighed, slumping onto the couch. “This is exhausting…all I ever hear about is stupid Hope’s Peak at school now. ‘New Hope’ this and ‘Our future’ that. Boring…”

“It’s not too weird. There’s barely ever any Ultimates from this region and all of a sudden there’s three accepted into the same class? Of course, people will talk about it.” I reasoned. Sora just rolled himself up in a blanket and let out an annoyed groan.

“Don’t remind me. Mamoru’s probably been ready for a while. He was so pissed cause I got my letter a week early.”

“That’s just the kind of person he is, I guess.” I didn’t blame Fukao-san. Sora’s not exactly known for, uh…actively practicing his talent. “It’s exciting though. I wasn’t sure if I would’ve made it into the same high school as you, but this means we get to stick together.”

“What’s with that attitude? So annoying…you’re just as smart as me.”

“Considering our talents, I really doubt that.” I half-laughed.

“Yeah, true.”

He gave up so easily. Then again, if he’s not in the mood for a conversation he’s likely to just end it like that. “We have to do our best though. It’s another chance for our family…”

“Yeah.” Was all Sora said, but I could feel the weight his voice carried. It was more than a title for us, so we had to make this work for our whole family.

-Present Day-

That scene suddenly flooded back into my memory almost as if forcibly injected into my mind. I hadn’t even thought about Sora this whole time, but now that file was making me worry. We promised we would do well together at Hope’s Peak for our family. That’s right…because…

Before my mind could wander, I realised I had almost completed a lap of the courtyard and had ended up in front of the Talent Building. I suppose it would take longer to get back if I went to the fountain first, I hope Amaterasu-san doesn’t mind me using up so much time.

I could a few people in the distance, nearby the fountain. Sly-san, Kurosaki-san, Graves-san, and Okanaya-kun. An air of tension was surrounding them all, so thick that you could choke on it. “Wh…what’s going on here?” I asked, the four all snapped their heads to look at me.

“Nagata, unless you’re looking to get involved, walk away.” Sly-san said.

“What does that mean? What are you up to?” I asked again, more worried now. The four of them fell silent. I didn’t like where this was going. Graves-san looked at me and smirked.

“We’re having a battle royal.”

“Battle…royal…?”

“This motive is unavoidable. We can’t save everybody, so we’re looking at our best options…so, we all decided to have a four-way free-for-all until one of us gets killed. Then we have three witnesses for the trial, so that way we can just breeze through it.” Okanaya-kun explained, not even looking at me, “This…this is the solution we all came up with in order to prevent everyone dying.”

“W…wait, hold on! You guys don’t have to do that!”

“Nagata-kyun, as much as the sentiment is appreciated, I’d really rather prefer you didn’t interfere. We’ve all already made our peace with whatever outcome this brings. Please don’t make this more complicated than it already is.” Kurosaki-san said.

“B…but…”

“Stand back, Nagata.” Sly-san reached into his hoodie and pulled out a survival knife. “There’s no reason for someone like you to see whatever happens next…”

“Hmph.” Kurosaki-san reading his bullwhip, “as long as I can help prevent the deaths of everyone else, it’ll be fine…”

“Yeah.” Okanaya-kun slid of a pair of brass knuckles, “I’m not usually the one to rely on weapons and shit, but I ain’t got a choice this time around…”

“Okanaya-kun, stop! You don’t have to do this!” No matter how I look at it, he’s at the biggest disadvantage. Graves-san and Sly-san are professional killers, and Kurosaki-san just radiates a dangerous aura.

“Of course, I have to do this! Don’t you get it?! There’s no other way to move forward!” Okanaya-kun yelled, “I need to do this otherwise I can’t say I did my part to try and end the killing game!” End…the killing game…?

“What? You’re worried about someone killing somebody you care about? Wonder what that’s like.” Graves-san spoke with malice as she pulled out a revolver, “we already agreed to this, so do us a favour and don’t get in our way. Alright?”

“Then everyone get ready. The sooner we do this the better.” Sly-san readied himself. No…I have…I have to do something. I can’t watch them kill each other like this. But…what can I-

*BANG!*

Everyone stopped, as if reality brought their minds back into heir heads. Their expressions all dropped, Graves-san and Kurosaki-san paled a little. And then-

*BANG!*

It sounded again and we all turned to the source of the sound. The Talent Building. “Wh…what was that? Gunshots?” Okanaya-kun asked.

“It can’t be…” Kurosaki-san clenched his jaw and took off towards the Talent Building.

“Kurosaki-san!” I yelled, sprinting after him. The other three running behind us. This can’t be happening. No way. I refuse to believe this is happening. It’s way too early to be worrying about something like this. The oxygen levels are at 18% so we would be fine for another few days!

When I burst through the doors of the entrance, Kurosaki-san has just slammed the door to Asano-san’s lab. “Nothing on this floor! Quick, up the stairs!” We didn’t much more prompting than that and followed Kurosaki-san upstairs. On the second floor, Kurosaki-san checked his own research lab, whilst Okanaya-kun quickly ran to check his.

“Still nothing?” Sly-san said tentatively. “The third floor…? That’s where my lab is…” Everyone grew pensive. “Let’s brace ourselves.” We all took off and up the stairs, noticeably a little slower. Why did we end up going slower? We didn’t even know what that noise could’ve been. Maybe we all imagined it.

Is what I wish I could’ve said.

When we reached the third floor Sly-san took off down one way to his lab and the rest of us took off the other way. Not that we got far. At the end of the hallway we could see a door to one of the labs left wide open. Whose lab was that again? For some reason, the memory wouldn’t come to me. I think I heard someone in the group call out to me, but I wasn’t sure. I just kept walking towards the lab. Strangely calm. Calm? Why was I calm?

Calm shouldn’t exist in a place like this…

As I walked into the room I was hit by the realisation that this was Ultimate Romance Expert’s lab, and on the floor of the right side of the room, was it’s owner, Doi Kurohiko, blood staining his shirt and a gun held in his hand.

“Wh-what the…fuck…?” Okanaya-kun’s voice came from behind me.

*~Ding dong, dong ding!~*

“A body has been discovered! After a certain amount of investigation time, the class trial will begin! Everyone, please make your way to the Ultimate Romance Expert Talent Lab!” Monokuma’s body discovery announcement stopped.

“Herr Kurohiko…? And what’s with this setup…?” Kurosaki-san walked into the room. A divider had been set up in the middle of the room, Kurohiko-san’s body was on the right side of the room, but a curtain covered up the left side. “What’s…behind here, I wonder?” Kurosaki-san pulled back the curtain…

And the calm feeling vanished…

Behind the curtain, laying almost peacefully on the ground was the body of the Ultimate Living Doll, Mami Asano. Similarly, a gun was also within her grasp.

*~Ding dong, dong ding!~*

“A body has been discovered! After a certain amount of investigation time, the class trial will begin! Everybody, please assemble at the Ultimate Romance Expert’s Talent Lab.”

…huh? A second body discovery announcement? Why a second one? We’ve never had a second one before…”N-no fuckin’ way…Asano…and Kurohiko…were both killed…?” Okanaya-kun’s words hit me with a realisation.

“Two people? Two people are dead…?”

#DKronpa #chapters #fanganronpa #fangan ronpa #danganronpa #danganronpa fangan #dangan ronpa

3 notes · View notes

lizzieparker · 4 years

Text

trying to be careful with the words i use || mazzie.

tagging: @doveportmason & @lizzieporter

location: pizza place.

time frame: april 2.

notes: they were doomed for the start yall.

Standing in the middle of his room, Mason tried to get himself together. He was always all over the place whenever it came to her, and she knew it. Pulling on a simple t-shirt and then jeans, he knew this would be the best way to unwind after work anyways. He made his way to Pizza Hut and didn't think twice as he stood outside waiting for Lizzie to approach. This could go good or bad but he was praying that it would go better than terrible and him fumble over his words. Shaking his head, he sat down and waited for her to arrive.

Lizzie knew she shouldn't be doing this, at least not when the morning conversation had gone almost out of hand. She was fine with being friends with Mason, she truly loved it, but the almost factor of it all always made her uneasy. If this was any other person, she wouldn't think twice in jumping into bed, or any other surface, with him, but you don't do that to your best friend. Not with her ex-boyfriend. It was why she was so keen into meeting him in public, just in case. After a quick shower and throwing some jeans and a jacket, Lizzie made her way to the Pizza Hut and couldn't help but smile when she saw him. Mason was too cute, honestly. Grinning, she pat his head on the way to sitting in front of him. "Hope you didn't wait for me for too long!"

Whenever Lizzie walked in, Mason smiled up at her until she sat down and he took in the view that was in front of him. God he couldn't do that. Not to Eloise. Though, the idea was tempting because she was tempting and let's be real. The talk of top and bottom really had him slightly or very turned on. Shaking his head of his thoughts, he started to take in the view and chuckled a little at her comment. "I've had a drink refill three times now, Lizzie. I was about to leave, thought you were standing me up!" He chuckled then pressed his lips together. "It's good to see you."

Lizzie faked to be completely shook at his words, not being able to hide the smile for too long. "You would never leave!" It was so hard to not be too flirty, considering she was still hang up on their conversation from earlier, specially when she kept picturing him under her, over and over again. "It's good to see you too" Her smile soften as she reached for his hand above the table, giving it a littl squeeze. "I missed you! I want to hear everything you have been up to!"

Chuckling, he knew that she was right. He would never leave, just because he was himself and she was her and he cared about her. It wasn't in his blood - so to speak. "I wouldn't. I adore you more than that!" He teased, then ran his free hand through his hair for a second. Squeezing hers back, he let their hands linger a while before he chewed on the inside of his lip in thought. damn it stop looking at me like that. "Well. Work. Work and more work. Oh, and some work! I'm boring, honestly. What about you? Catch me up."

Lizzie smiled brightly at him, pleased with the comment. It was nice to know he really care for her enough to not leave just like that. "And I adore you right back!" She let her hand on his for a while, biting her lower lip as she looked at him talk. God, it was the same battle over and over again. "Well if you say it like that ot course it's going to be boring!" When the waiter approached, Lizzie let go of his hand, turning to order her pizza order and waiting until he did the same. "I have been working too but for me it's super fan. Did I told you the other day that I had to carry twins out of a second floor? It was awesome, if I say so myself "

Mason laughed to himself at her comment back and just stared over at her for a moment. She was something to see, and that was bad for business for Mason. "I would hope so," he admitted as he looked over at her. Letting out a huff of a breath, he ordered after her but paid close attention to what she picked to have. Why couldn't he just shake her? It was like a bad habit. Bad drug. He didn't know why he couldn't get past her. "You didn't tell me that but look at you being the hero. What am I going to do to compare to someone like you, huh?" He teased, all while being rather serious.

Talking about work did make her feel a little more at ease, more in her element. "You are a teacher! That makes you a hero just like me. Just not in the action field but any less heroic" And she meant it. Teachers were awesome, if they were nice and patient and knowing Mason, she knew he was. Lizzie had to stop her mind from wondering how hot he probably looked with kids around him and, not for the first time in her life, she was glad to not be able to have a boner. "Talking about teachers, we had a whole clas at the station the other day. I think we are getting popular with the schools in the city"

Whenever she called him a hero, he smiled and just took in the moment of it all. It was calm, everything was calm and he wasn't thinking too much about anything right then. She was talking about stuff with work and he felt like it was totally fine. Right? "Hey, I do what I can to make sure that the kids totally have something to look forward to and I think that I do a pretty good job, anyways," he laughed and then he took his drink whenever it was in front of him and took a sip. "Really?" He asked, smiling as he looked over at her and took in a breath. "That's really cool. What do you guys let them do whenever they come there? Like, do you let them get on the trucks - rigs whatever you call them?"

"I know you do" The itching of holding his hand again was strong, but Lizzie was happily saved by their drinks arriving. She was quick in taking a sip of her Coca Cola, looking at him with a smile. "Well, yeah. We let them see the insides of the trucks and Matt showes them his rabbit song and usually I give a little speech with the other girls, you know? About how we can be firefighters too if we eat our vegetables and grow up super strong" It was always her favorite part, cause there were always girls that wanted to know more. She always had a feast answering all their questions. "Oh! I almost forgot!" Her hands moved to her bag, taking out the little present she bought for him and passing it. "I know you know what it is, but I still kinda wanted to wrap it"

Mason couldn't help but be entertained by how this woman was. She was beautiful, smart. She was literally everything that he needed out of the world and yet he couldn't have her. He wasn't allowed to have her and it drove him insane. Shaking his thoughts, he took in a breath and just tried to focus on the drink in front of him. "You know, I gotta admit that I love the way that you get so into it. I think that's something that is beautiful. Not many people can say that they are or even touch the feeling that you have right now," he admitted and smiled to himself. Whenever she grabbed out his present, he took it and laughed as he opened it and gave her the best fake gasp he could but in all honesty he couldn't love it more than he did. "Thank you so much. It's perfect, honestly," he admitted and then he gently squeezed her hand again as a thank you. "Sounds like you've had a busy day, huh?"

"It wasn't easy, to get here" Everyone had a family outside of their work, but for Lizzie, it was only the station. Of coursse she had her parents and her siblings, but she had never felt more at home than when she was at work, more complete. Seeing him unwrap his gift was lovely and she couldn't help but stare at him, feeling her heart give a little jump whenever their eyes met for a second. "You are the best uncle, it was only fitting" One of her fingers moved around his hand, rubbing it lightly, even when she was rolling her eyes. "It's not that hard to wrap a present"

"I know it wasn't, I'm sure," he smiled over at her and he couldn't help but look at her. She was beautiful. It was almost upsetting how much as he figured that it wouldn't be so bad whenever they were looking at each other but he couldn't help it. "Thank you," he spoke softly and smirked over at her. His hand stayed in hers and he put the shirt down with his other before he reached over the counter, holding her other hand in his carefully. "Sometimes I wish things between us weren't so complicated, honestly."

Just like his, her smile softened and she shook her head, resting importance to the gift and letting him reach for her free hand. It was like even their hands fit together, even for a moment. They weren't so in sync however, when he spoke again, and the smile disappeared completely out of his face. "Mason..." She wasn't sure of what to say, but the pizza arrived and she took the opportunity to move her hands away from him, like they were basically burning her. "I'm starving" Was it a cheap solution? Yes, but it was the only one she could think about right there.

Whenever he went to speak again, he knew that she wasn't sure what to say either. It was all complicated. He moved his hands once the pizza arrived and he took a slice out, nodding to himself but also to answer her quickly. "I'm starving, too. I've been hungry all day and this totally hits the spot," he said, now with his eyes focusing on the food in front of him over anything else, even Lizzie.

She tried to give him a quick smile before taking her own slide of pizza, knowing that neither of them could come back to their safe and happy conversation. "Yeah, me too" Even when Lizzie tried to sound cheerful, it was obvious she wasn't too happy. Still, she ate her pizza without another word, trying her best to look anywhere else but the guy in front of her.

Looking down, he sighed and then he looked back up at her. "If you want to come over and we can totally hang out, you can. Just hang out, obviously," he spoke softly. He really meant it, seeing if they could hang out in private could be a good thing as friends but he didn't know if she'd want to. "You can play with Benji. He misses you."

Lizzie really consider it for a moment. They could go to his place and try this, but she knew how it was going to end up. It didn't involve clothes. "I don't think I should" She could make up some weak excuse but he had been honest with her and she guessed her deserved the same. "We are still us and you said the thing... It's not a good idea”

"Alright. Nevermind that then," he sighed, chewing on the inside of his mouth in thought. He was so annoyed, because he said it and he shouldn't have. He was being childish and it was something that could never happen. He knew that. "Right. Well, I should probably go. I mean, I think that eventually we have to get past it. If we're ever going to be friends."

Lizzie passed a hand over her hair, putting it all on one side and looking at him. "I don't want you to leave" Yet, they both knew it was the smart decision. "Maybe we should go out in a group? And then just... Get comfortable with the friends thing again. No touching and stuff"

She said she didn't want him to leave and he couldn't manage to move from his spot. She didn't want something. He listened. "Yeah, I mean. I'm okay with that. That sounds like something that could be a really good plan, if you ask me," he admitted, smiling over at her. "Sorry, I wasn't trying to make this bad."

Lizzie quickly shook her head, trying her best to manage a smile. "You didn't. You can be honest, it's only fair" She shrugged lightly. "I guess I'm just... Not ready for it. I think I didn't wanna talk about it now, but that is not your fault. This is all on me and I know that"

"Stop. It's not your fault, Lizzie. It's not that big of a deal. I know better than to ever let my wall down enough to like someone so I just ignore doing that until I know it'll be safe," he admitted, shrugging a little. "We're gonna be fine."

That sounded like a lie, like a very big lie that they were both trying to hold together, so Lizzie didn't point it. "Okay then" Her eyes went back to the left of her pizza, nodding. "We will be fine. Always fine"

#askmepara #para #para: mason

1 note · View note

wannawrite · 6 years

Text

serendipity 🌨️ (三）

[ 君を守りたくて涙に変わる前にもう一度. ]

I want to hold you once more before you melt into tears.

group: seventeen

member: joshua hong

genre: a surprise :)

others: italics = thoughts, josh and vern speaking in English

sorry for the long wait friends, Japan gave me so much inspiration !!

forgive me, the story only gets better at the end because I improved a lot so this was prewritten and continued again a lot later on !!

___________________________

“No one?”

You nodded firmly, as the teacher gave you a glance of disdain through her pink framed glasses. Her eyebrows raised haughtily as she quickly looked back to her worksheets, flipping through them casually-as if you didn't matter anymore. At her acts of defiance, you cursed her under your breath. Standing alone at the teacher’s table stupidly just seemed to enlarge your figure in the crowd of the class, bringing the sunlight to all the flaws engraved stubbornly onto your face.

You didn't understand why the school needed to hire such sadistic teachers, and inwardly, you cursed the school too under your breath. You could already feel the gazes of all the students seated behind you thrust into your back like spears, one by one. Maybe this was what they meant when they wanted to teach all of you to be ‘confident and cultured students’.

Finally, the teacher looked up, her gaze still bored and tired under her heavy bags and wrinkles. What a mood.

“Go partner the new kid.” her despairing monotone drawled out, in her absolutely enchanting, seductive Daegu satoori.

But that wasn’t really the thing you were most concerned about right now.

Involuntarily, your eyes widened, and you could feel everything that you had painstakingly built up raze to the bottomless of your heart as the teacher called out Joshua’s name, which included that non existent good mood you had while (reluctantly) getting back your maths results two hours ago.

“Oh, you’re Hansol’s friend, right? You seem very shy, let’s get along well together.” his sweet, slightly American accentuated Korean made an entrance smoothly, the sort of voice you wouldn't mind cutting into all of your conversations.

That was when you realised, that Joshua was someone you really wanted to be close to-like getting as close to the fire as you could without touching it.

You sighed.

“Sure.” you tried for a smile to maintain a certain level of politeness (and to not feel so shitty about your already dying reputation) as you followed the tall figure with soft, slightly overgrown raven locks back to his desk.

This was undeniably, the epitome of sadistic.

___________________________________________

“Hey, don’t look so tense, I won’t actually bite.” the boyish, balmy voice purred into your senses again, caressing your ears gently yet magically, making you jump and look to his beautiful face yet again. It seemed to work like a charm-you kicked yourself inside when you realised that Joshua’s every action had you firmly wrapped around his finger...

“R-Right.” you managed, following up with a small, coy cough-you had to give him an answer at some point, to mask your big, protruding girl crush on him. The small lift of his eyebrow, the twitch of his lips when he saw that you were incredibly shy around him was a confusing mix of attractive and unnerving to look at.

Why can’t I just talk to him, who’s a normal human being like me...

Subsequently, a new voice came into the scene.

“Ayyyy, Josh, what did you do to my friend? She looks so scared, I’ll hog the PC room all to myself if you keep disturbing her.” a teasing, laid-back voice rolled out the English language smoothly as the hint of a brown curl plunged into your vision before jumping up again and clambering over to Joshua’s side. You died inside for the umpteenth time today as Hansol shot you a cheeky, knowing wink-if he told Joshua even an inkling about your feelings towards him, you’d probably harp on it for the rest of your life.

“Nothing? Maybe she’s just shy, I don’t know...dude, you know her better, do something. I can’t do social situations.” A helpless reply came from Joshua's mouth fast and painful, seeping out all the effervescence from his vibrant, yet gentle demeanour.

You sighed. Not being able to gather yourself in front of him, seemed to be way worse than talking to him directly.

"I-I can talk, you know." you managed awkwardly, barely meeting his eyes as the language that your tongue had conquered your whole life turned to gibberish in front of a beautiful boy.

At this, Joshua broke into a casual, yet such enchanting smile-looking just like a prince as the sun skated across his features like the most shining, elegant masterpiece in the world. You tried to focus on the now, but he was incredibly distracting.

"It's okay." he said politely, turning to you, "Everyone gets shy sometimes, right? I’m sure we’ll get along well, I can see that you know a lot about me already.”

At this, Joshua’s gently bridged kitten eyes shot you a small, seemingly chaste wink which had in fact, thrust right through your heart like an arrow, and realising that you probably looked like the most uncontrolled mess for the umpteenth time today, you tried to articulate your words properly.

“Y-Yeah. You’re actually, I don’t know, my favourite trainee?” Crap, wrong thing to say. The words coming out of your mouth slapped you in the face hard, stringing in a small trail of regret. To your surprise, instead of cringing Joshua laughed softly, yet somehow wholeheartedly before the table legs contrastingly, echoed out the most deafening screech as you felt the bit of wood press into your stomach area.

He had stood up from the chair, leaning in at just the perfect distance and striking the perfect balance between curiosity and suggestiveness, and that’s when the sun slicing through his ashy bangs dawned the truth on you yet again-that Joshua’s whole being exuded such a gentle, caressing aura. Tangible to your eyes, yet so intangible to your feelings-from the way his eyes fluttered gently yet quickly like butterflies in a secret garden, from the way he treated you with such gentleness yet tore your heart apart.

Just then, in all his beauty, you felt your soul surface onto the tip of your tongue as his deeply dimpled lips mouthed these words.

“I want to know more about you.”

The whole world stopped for a while.

Your speech went into a momental rut, as you stared awkwardly and embarrassedly at his features.

“You know? Since you know so much about me, I’m curious about you, too.” his innocent voice pushed forth your consciousness from its transit stop as you snapped back into reality.

You looked at his smile briefly before shutting down any forms of attraction towards him, and gulped down your feelings before opening your mouth.

“I-”

“So, after school today? At 2?”

His gentle, merry lips had lifted into a sunny smile, coincidentally in the shape of a long, angled up feather-just as gentle as he was.

At this, you blushed before nodding vigorously,

“S-Sure.”

His smile got wider.

“See you then!”

With that, Joshua left the room with his wallet casually, and the world came back into your orbit. Hansol was gone, so had the math teacher and practically the rest of the class, which had seemed so annoyingly insignificant in comparison to the boy you loved.

Then, as your consciousness slowly surfaced back into your memory, you realised-your cousin would be coming today, and if it was for a school project, you’d have little to no time to spend with her...

But you thought back to Joshua’s pleading gaze, and you sighed.

There was no way you were saying no to that smile.

__________________________

to prepare the blog for my long desert era LOL I'm sorry this took way longer than it should have :(

also day6′s cb is such a bop PLEASE STREAM DAYS GONE BY my boys really deserve it ^^

I hope I captured the feeling here well!! the reason why the descriptions on joshie’s features are so excessive because thats how you feel when you crush on someone la HHAHAHA like somehow you just start noticing everything small and insignificant about that, so I apologise if the story didn't flow so well because of that :( I REALLY tend to notice all these things about Joshua’s beautiful personality though (esp as he was my ult of ults last year so yes I am still low-key whipped HAHAAHA)

ill be growing spiritually the next few days and going to hk, idk if I can update overseas but ill see again!! love yall, thanks for reading and supporting!!

ps suNGJINS VOCALS MADE ME WANT TO CRY UGHGJSJDGSH

#admin n #joshua hong #joshua hong jisoo #seventeen scenarios #seventeen joshua #hong jisoo #seventeen

13 notes · View notes

ouremptysinks-blog · 6 years

Text

Star In The Dark

Chapter 1

Characters: Steve Rogers X OC (Hailey Beaumont), OC’S Mom, The Avengers, Nick Fury, Phil Coulson, Matt Murdock, A CUTE AF EMT/PARAMEDIC ( I don’t know who else for rn sooo?) Summary: A young woman with too many talents gets recruited to be a part of the Avengers. (yep that's it. I’m not spilling anything else.) Warnings: Lots of swearing, some angst, self-depreciation, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, okay maybe a lot of angst, daddy issues(not the sexual kind yall!) (please lemme know if I missed something!)

Words: 2376

A/N: So I’m crying, this is my first fic and I'm so scared yallssss please reblog and comment and PLEASE JUST REEEADDD AND AHHHHHH! DM ME WITH FEEDBACK OR JUST URGHFHJH FEEDBACK PLEASE JELLIES!! Also please don’t bother requesting smut, I won’t write it

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Honey, could you please go into my office and grab the white file in the second drawer in my desk? I need it in an hour so please could you make your way here now? I’ll give you the money you need for the tech thing you want so bad! But please hurry!” my mother hung up.

The woman was amazing at what she did but she was so forgetful, I was amazed at how she hadn't lost her position even after 25 years. My mom worked for S.H.E.I.L.D., she was high up in the ranks. That was all I knew, well actually that’s all they think I know. You see, I’m a pretty techy gal. I am so sorry, did I seriously just say ‘gal’? Okay yeah so I am very into the tech-verse and yeah I’m very aware that my mom works very closely with Coulson and whatnot but you don’t know that either okay! Now shush I have to go! Before you ask, yes I do know where they are because as her immediate and only family. I was to come to S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters if anything were to ever go wrong. If you asked me, S.H.E.I.L.D. was the last place we should be at. With all the rogue agents and undercover Hydras. Shit. YOU DON'T KNOW THAT EITHER OKAY! While I was spilling dirt that only I know, you didn't notice me start the car, did you? I hated going to S.H.E.I.L.D. so much. It was such a headache to get there. The idiots made it so you had to take about 120 backroads to get to the damn place. It was so stupid.

I quickly glanced at the duffel bag behind me. I wonder if I’d be allowed to use the training room? I can’t afford to miss today's workout, one workout missed meant a whole fight lost. Not that I was getting into any fights…Okay fine, I box! Erm... and it might be illegal… No one needs to know that either by the way! Snitches get stitches! Don't you dare forget! If I ever hear that you’ve let anything slip, I’m also great with weapons. That was indeed a threat, take it to heart.

I pulled up into the reserved parking space under my name. Grabbing my duffel and the white file with the big red ‘Confidential’ stamped on it, I swiped my ID into the holder. I was welcomed with a blast of air-conditioned air. They have these set to 16 degrees, and there was an air conditioner every 4 metres. The place was probably colder than Antarctica. Smiling at the receptionist I waved the file at her and she gave me a grimace.

“Lola left the files again?” she asked in a not surprised manner.

“Yep, you know how mom is.”

“Go on up sweetheart. If anyone asks, tell ‘em Susan sent you up. They can come and fight me.”

I threw my head back a little and laughed. Trying to contain my outburst, I grinned at Susan.

“I love you, Sue! I’ll bring you down a coffee, on my way back.”

“Oh honey, you don't have to! Oh, and I didn't tell you this but the training room is free from 4 till 8, so if you wanna punch some stuff, knock yourself out.” Susan whispered.

I pulled her into a small hug and then ran over to the elevators. I punched in the code and pressed on the floor number. The doors were just about to close when a not so subtle Patriotic soldier managed to place one of his feet in between the doors. He had been awake for a few months now. 3 to be exact, not that I’ve been digging or anything. I was a tad bit uncomfortable considering I looked like shit today. I looked terrible on a daily basis considering I was a fat fuck but today I was actually shit. He had taken his stance behind me, which made me x999 times more uncomfortable than I had in the beginning. I could also feel him staring which made my nerves increase even more. I was hoping that the ride down would stay quiet but unfortunately, to my dismay, he spoke.

“Are you new here?” he asked, voice smoother than silk. Yikes.

“I think I should be the one asking you, don’t you think?”

He seemed a little shocked that I didn’t give him a straight up answer. However, he hummed in agreement.

“I guess you should, I was here just yesterday and I didn’t run into you, that’s why I asked.” he smiled, not a bit of bitchiness in his voice.

“I was off yesterday.” I lied.

As the elevator doors opened, Captain Not So Frozen stepped out and head to the direction opposite of where I needed to be. PRAISE THE LORRRDDD! Before he opened the door, he spun around and yelled out, “Hey! I guess I’ll see you around Miss?”

I contemplated giving him a fake last name but decided against it.

“Beaumont”

Giving me a small smile, he said, “I’ll see you around Miss Beaumont”

Besides, it’d be funnier if he ran into my mom, considering she was Miss Beaumont. Ahh, the laughs. I checked my watch, ‘3:47’.

“Perfect”

I knocked on the door to my mom’s office, no one came to the door so I let myself in. I left the file between the keyboard and the screen of her closed laptop and wrote her a quick note on a post-it, letting her know where I’d be.

Lazily stepping into the elevator again I punched in another code and the button for the floor. This time, the melted man didn't stop the closing doors and I was able to get to the gym peacefully.

I pulled out my laptop from my duffel and started cracking. My ‘abilities’ weren't known to S.H.E.I.L.D., mom knew I could fight and she knew I was great with tech. What I did with those things, she didn’t know, and to be frank she didn’t need to either. I was done setting up the codes, all I needed was a clear frame. So when I stepped out and opened the doors to the gym, I was relieved to see it was indeed empty.

‘4:03’ my watch read. I stepped back outside and set everything else up. I didn’t need these buffoons watching me, and enter.

“That gave me such a headache, this stupid place.”

Manoeuvering my way to the changing room I threw my bag into one of the lockers and then went straight for the treadmill. I had four hours so I could do a lot. I would run/jog for half an hour and then, squats, lunges, one legged squats, box jumps, hip raises, deadlifts, straight leg deadlifts, good mornings, step ups, overhead press, bench press, incline dumbbell press, push ups, dips, chin ups, pull ups, bodyweight rows, dumbbell rows, planks, side planks, exercise ball crunches, mountain climbers, jumping knee tucks, hanging leg raises. Then I’d work on my hapkido if I finished everything nicely. Or I could go crash at my loft. I realised if I went back home, I wouldn't do any hapkido so I decided I’d just cut some stuff out and get to the martial art.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I finished up the leg raises and checked the time once more.

‘6:45’

That gave me a solid 5-minute break and a 10-minute shower.

The shower ended quicker than I had planned, eager to practice hapkido again. I changed into something more comfortable. Pulling out a mat I started my usual routine. But I wanted to do something a bit different today. I grabbed one of the knives. I was doing my thing and all when a stupid man decided to grab my attention. I was taken aback and grabbed the blade too hard. Blood dripping from my torn palm, Stark stares at me shocked.

“Shit, I am so sorry!” he tried to clean up my hand using the handkerchief from his pocket.

I took a step back, glaring fiercely at the idiotic billionaire.

“I can fix it myself, fuck off Stark.”

“Potty mouth, plus I apologized, didn't I?”

“Well if you weren't so fucking idiotic and ignorant, we wouldn't really be in this situation now would we?”

“Let’s get you to the infirmary.” he tugged on my arm slightly.

Pushing his money filthy hands off, I said, “I vividly remember telling you to fuck off. No?”

He merely smirked at me.

“Before I ‘fuck off’, I wanted to ask you something.”

Not being bothered to reply to the egotistical fuck, I stayed silent.

“How’d you hack into S.H.E.I.L.D.’S systems?”

Awh fuck, this is great.

“Hails, wanna tell me how?”

“Don't you dare call me that you fucking asshat! You don't deserve it.”

Grabbing all of my things I stormed out of the anxiety-filled room to be met with another fucker I hate.

“Nicholas.”

“Ah Miss Claire, you’re just the person I wanted to see.”

“Ah, Joe you flatter me, Starkies in the gym if you wanna see the fucker.”

“I assure you, you're the one I was looking for Hailey.”

Hiding my bitchy feels, I follow Joseph into the elevator.

“So what’s up Joe-man?”

“Not here.”

If Fury thought it’d be better to talk about whatever he wanted to talk about specifically in his office, it meant that this thing was big. And very confidential. If I said that it didn’t scare me, I’d be 100% lying. It scared the shit outta me. Fury and I, well we go way back. He’s known me since I was in the womb, and we’ve been super chill. So fuck yeah I was stressed.

I followed the fucker into his office and took a seat. I was not about to risk falling on my fat ass.

“Miss Beaumont-”

“Zhang.” I reminded the ignorant man.

“Miss Zhang, I know you’re aware that I know about your skills.”

“And what? Thought it was a mutual agreement where I don’t fuck your organization over and we keep my ‘skills’ a fucking secret.”

“It was until the Avengers.I’d brief you on the whole thing, but something tells me you already know way too much.”

I kept my eyes glued to him, not looking away for even a second. I was proud of my abilities and plus, he never told me to keep out of anything.

“Listen, you already have a bunch of power puffs and musketeers. What do you need me for? Plus, isn’t there some rule that you can’t work for S.H.I.E.L.D. unless you’re twenty-five plus? HA BITCH! I’m still 22!” Crossing my legs, I smirked at him.

“That rule is bullshit and I know you know it and fine. I’ll just tell your mom about your pastime activities.”

“You wouldn't dare!” I glared at him.

“I would if it meant you’d join the Avengers.”

“Cause pointing you to the Skull-topuses arent enough? Now I have to join a stupid marching band?”

“Hailey.”

That shut me up. But before he could say anything else I yelled, “FINE! Fuck you, I’ll do it. Not like you’ve actually given me a choice.”

“Come to the meeting room in an hour”

“No”

“Agent Zhang”

“I’m not an agent bitch.”

Mentally giving myself a once over I tell him, “Tomorrow. You want me to be a part of this pep squad? Then I want the meeting tomorrow at 7.”

“Sevens a bit-”

“8:45 or else I'm out.”

Rolling his eyes he huffed out a ‘fine’.

Standing up, I grabbed my bag and pushed through the double doors. The elevator ride pissed me off. I threw myself out of the elevator when I ran into a chiselled figure and fell back. I braced for impact considering I couldn't do a double flip to save myself because I wasn't supposed to know how. But the impact never came. Instead, I felt strong arms hold up my weight. Staring into steely blue eyes I realise who’s holding me. I push him off and let myself fall to the ground. Hanging my head in shame, I stutter a sorry.

“Are you okay?”

“I-I’m fine. I just need some air.”

I ignore his gaze, I push past the man and rushed out of the building. I ran to my car and turned on the engine. I couldn't breathe, fuck. I reversed and then pulled out onto the highway. I kept driving until I realised my eyes were getting clouded and I was about to throw up. I stopped on the side as soon as I exit the highway. My chest hurts, I can’t breathe. I threw myself out of the car and collapsed.

I woke up to red and blue accompanied with blaring sirens.

“Miss are you alright?”

This was embarrassing… I passed out on the road and someone had called 911. Fucking shit.

“I’m fine,” I nodded curtly.

“Alright, we’re just going to do a couple tests and if everything’s fine we’ll let you go. Is that okay with you?”

I smiled at him weakly, nodding my head.

“Are you able to stand?” she asked very politely.

As I tried to stand, I almost fell back but the woman had caught your arm before you did. You could feel your throat close up again. She sensed something was wrong and quickly let go, but only after she made sure you were steady.

After all the tests, I walked over to my car and as I put on my seatbelt, the paramedic who tended to me knocked on my window.

“Hey, if you ever want to speak to anyone about anything, here’s my number.”

“Oh no that’s- it’s- I’m fine. It’s okay!” I tried being peppy.

It clearly didn’t work as her brows furrowed deeper. Sighing I took her card and mumbled a thank you. She gave me a bright smile as I drove away from the area. I was definitely not calling her, but for some reason, I just shoved the cared into the glove compartment instead of throwing it out.

#steve rogers #oc #marvel mcu #avengers #steve rogers x oc #nick fury #angsty af #s.h.i.e.l.d.#tony stark #avengers assemble #plus size oc #captain america x oc #steve rogers imagine

5 notes · View notes

mujer--solitaria · 4 years

Text

What have u just learned?

That ur body knows u better than u can rationalize it.

There are these very distinct episodes or events in my life where I took a thing too much. A little weed, a lil cigarette, a lil alcohol, and when I would explain these things, I was so aware of how full of shit I sounded, “Oh, I didn’t mean to!” But I hadn’t meant to. The thing is some of these events ran concurrent with emotionally high states and exasperated them. Not the getting lit part, but the hangovers, the paranoia, my body’s response to crossing the line. The same way certain emotional breakdowns ran concurrent with severe flu episodes. I think, it just occurred to me this morning, that they might’ve happened because I needed permission, permission to feel the underlying thing. I insist that I did not experience it like that at first at all. It was always just a shot or puff or drink too many, a mundane bit over the line. But in the way we are art and the way things have gone lately, I can see how I foretold my own future and grabbed at things that would later reveal themselves to be truly apropos, when I had thought I was simply making a mistake, and a short-sighted one.

The thing is it just happened again this morning, I just did it again. I smoked two cigarettes and got a stomachache. I had sworn to myself not to, and having been a swimmer and a runner before the pandemic, I still identify as such. I was trying to fend off negative feelings and judgement of myself over it, and it turns out, my period had just come in the interim.

So I asked myself, why did I rationalize impending cramps as shame? Previously, I had rationalized the physical and emotional pain as coincidental, and that therefore, they were at least equal in strength. But now, I think I just learned to not be so hard on myself. To be careful with my sentiments. To take it easy. I think the Catholic in me is always just ready with the shame and everything latches on to it. In a moment like that, like this, being kind to myself means that pain should be listened to first before it is explained because at my hands is a language that’s trying to explain a phenomenon, myself, which is much greater than it. My relationship to how I treat my body is much more important than judging myself for a moment of weakness or wanting to feel a little bit of recklessness during this global pandemic. And yeah, its collective trauma but I’m not gonna call it that. I want to call it, from my point of view, collective permission. A collective code switch.

Most of us are in contact with that which we don’t like, and I believe in rants. Rant is my middle name. But I also understand that the people who we are ranting about because they are or aren’t taking advantage of the new circumstances, those people who don’t take up a new skill or the new influx of sex workers, I also want to add that those people we are judging might already know this on some level, and that’s where the code switching comes in. It’s about privilege. For example, a local music producer and what I call a sort of archivist was going on about how there’s no excuse now not to learn a new instrument or skill, as he is a champion of this school of thought. Personally, I have been practicing a more anti-hustle mindset in favor of rest, but as a person of skin color privilege, what can I learn from him as a black man? Let him be! He’s a very particular person, and besides, while I understand the value of rest, and my mom in particular should fucken rest, I really, really, really don’t want to act like our millennially-learned way of being is the most high for all marginalized people. Yes, rest benefits all generations, but migration’s way of living gave us everything we have. Leave them alone, leave us alone. There’s a pro and con to them both. None of this is helping me deal with a parent who can’t stop and will actually rebel against me trying to care for her.

Another person who went on an important rant was a Black sex worker who was talking about the new influx of people joining to make easy money. As a person of skin color privilege, how do I move with them? I look at my experience and make it so I agree, because she’s not wrong. I totally 100% get the rant because I, myself, went on a rant where I sort of wished harm on the newbies. That for better or worse, yall will learn today. But I will also add that I’ve never not heard a sex worker say they wanted to try another line of sex work business because they thought it would be easier. We could play bingo with that. Many of us enter the business thinking that to some degree. I say this for myself and for the people I’ve worked with. I say this as someone who first learned of the sex worker communities on tumblr before venturing into the clubs myself and found that there was a huge gap between the two. I have yet to find an in-person place that was as hardcore as them, social justice-wise.

This is why its difficult for me to agree that a revolution is coming because there’s always a gap, and not everyone understands that. They think, we think that distance means we can get away with something and pretend its not there, which it does, unfortunately. But it also means dissonance, and that u are looking away from the thing that is actually right next to u and that sometimes u share with someone very different than u. That’s not the kind of body we should be building. The revolution without this will not be inclusive for me and I know it will not be for others.

Its been right next door, the revolution and what precedes it, and we just pretended not to know what was going on. We heard the screams, we heard the death. I know that we learn new shit all the time, and I’m also ranting here, but it just helps me, personally, to resituate things, deconstruct, recontextualize. I’ve been waiting for a revolution to happen a long time using many different frames and lenses. When I was younger, I used to go to a lot of protests and it always felt like the revolution was going to happen any moment now. I’m just not for the kind of language that makes me feel good about it anymore, not only, as if its going to happen widely. I have a steady full time job now for the first time in, like, ever, and it’s a job I hate and I’m happy. If that’s not the cherry on top of cynicism, I don’t know what is. Right now, in this moment in history, in this dynamic, frightening moment in history, I am finally free-ish. I’m often not on the same page as others so that’s where my lesson is from. The revolution is illusive because it goes by another name.

I think the revolution is a collective permission to perhaps to not be on the same page. At least it is mine. Collectively, I think permission is in some ways subtle, and it will take a long time to get it together, but the revolution also involves something as big as knowing that the president was going to, that this was going to happen a second term. How did we not see this coming? That the good people don’t strike back like that, we so far haven’t, and the longer u insist that u will, its already gone, that method no longer exists for u, for me. And I think I just learned something else.

It takes so little to ruin everything, and it takes so much to fix it. I think that while people are good and deserve love, that dissonance points to the truth of our nature. We are infinitely destructive beings, and it would help me to move forward on my education and building with that in mind. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I love people who have different roles in our community, but we’re all on different parts of our journey. It has served me better to accept that than be mad at one another during a nationally mismanaged crisis, at people who I share something with.

0 notes

d-erica · 5 years

Text

worth living

Life is as beautiful as you can possibly make it out to be.Life is very much taken for granted. But everyones perspective is different. We can deny it as much as we want, but the ugly truth is that at some point almost everyone has sat in their bed in complete darkness and hoped and prayed for a better or just in general a different life. But we didnt magically get that now did we? No. This post is primarily my past perspective on life. I dont know if anyone else has felt or at least thought in this same way, but this is my input. Now I am not going to sit here and write lies saying that my life was consistent of good or of bad. Childhood was really weird and awkward for me. My memory has blocked alot of those earlier days out primarily because I never learned the basics of being in touch with my emotions so yes in elementary i had bestfriends, but what everyone else felt it seemed kind of impossible and foreign to me. I didnt understand the meaning of hugs and of saying the words ‘’ I love you’’. Saying the word ‘’bye’’ always rubbed me off the wrong way because I knew at a young age that when i said that word to my dad before he was stationed overseas in the air force that that potentionally could be the last time that Id be considered ‘’daddys little girl’’. I knew too soon that things couldnt be perfect forever so I already started putting up a wall trying to protect myself from any harm or abandonment. I grew up with the same routine all the way up to high school avoiding certain interactions and any type of physical affection. I came off as nonchalant or as alot of people would refer to me as ‘’emotionless’’. I knew for a fact that I had emotions and some type of heart deep down inside of me somewhere. My comedy made up for the missing aspects of me i guess. At least for awhile. Fast forward to sophmore year of high school. Something in me changed, it was like a switch. Sixteen years of built up anger, disgust, sadness all came and took control over my entire mind,body,and soul. The funny, lively side of me people once loved changed, people saw the drastic change. I knew they knew something was wrong, and alot of people tried their best to uplift me but no matter what they said. I was still me, I was still the only one in my head. I made myself think and feel like I was all in this alone and that i couldnt get pulled out of this rut. I was just so bitter to the world, just so over basically everything. For someone who used to cry twice a year, i started to cry like five times a day everyday of each month in that time frame. These feelings went on for such a long time that I started to hate myself for me being so uncontrollably sad and weak all of the time. My grades in school went down and down. My family life was at the peak of being the worse thing Ive ever had to see. I think i was just overall disgusted with the way I allowed myself to bury myself in my bed and my feelings without seeking or reaching out for help. During the time frame, I lost all ability or energy to go to school, sleep at night causing my extreme insomnia even now to this day, perform my best at my job, be happy in public settings with friends, leave my room to show my face to my family, and mainly stopped eating and drinking appropriately, I lost like fifty pounds just during the time of being so numb and hopeless. My bones became brittle so I could sometimes barely stand without feeling like falling over. This basically just gave people bigger and stronger than me the green light to sexually abuse and psychically abuse me. Everyday it seemed like another thing to break me. Months went by and I just grew tired. Absolutely tired, exhausted, literally depression won over and over again. My mind shifted from feeling utterly lonely to developing to mental nightmares. No matter how much trauma Ive witnessed or been through, my thoughts are what ruined me, No one else did that to me. Only thing that went through my head was how and what was the easiest way i could possibly die, I didnt want this life. Obviously the odds werent in my favor. Obviously I was a lost cause because no matter what loved ones said or did it didnt stick with me throughout my whole day. Therapy didnt help probalby because I sat there stubborn for two hours with blank eyes, they offered prescriptions that seemed like placebo. ‘’ Here take this when you wake up every morning so you can start off with a clear mind.’’ Yall know how hard it is to look in the face of a therapist you had since seventh grade and hold back the words ‘’ Mrs. Witherspoon I dont plan on waking up in the morning, Im really tired you know.’’ I never told her that and couldnt bring myself to say ‘’bye’ because it brought me back to childhood where I knew itd be the last time. I wrote my notes to individual people. I knew what action I was going to take that night to finally put things and myself to rest. I was on the edge of putting myself at peace then like in a split second difference I got a ft call that I didnt answer. Seeing the name of the person made me stop in my tracks though and something told me to check my messages and look at the previous loving paragraphs Ive ever gotten. I just could not continue. I knew the people in my life didnt deserve the heartache and confusion that would be left after my self afflicted passing. I burned the handwritten goodbye notes and went to sleep . I vowed that I wouldnt put myself in that situation ever again. Yes, things in my life didnt magically improve but I did try to look at things in a different manner. Months went past and I wasnt in as a bad place anymore, but I just wasnt fit for some relationships anymore because it was just unfair to give half of me all the time when people did nothing but give me love and sense of patience all the time. I guess there was alot of pressure to be perfect and it sort of started messing with my mind seeing everyone happy and wondering why Im not i guess. People definitely deserve better than what I ever had to offer, I wish nothing but the best for anyone who has stuck with me in the times around a year ago. Fast forward it is the middle of senior year and I am really happy right now. Ive gained alittle weight, I feel beautiful in my own skin, my grades are so muc better. I should get at least three to four cords at graduation from my honor society clubs here this upcoming spring .Isolating myself in a positive way and letting go of bad situations and coping mechanisms was the best decision I have done. Lately Ive been taking one day at a time. This transformation definitely wasnt overnight, it was like a two year process. Even though some things from those times are still hard to think about, im forever grateful for the hardships and obstacles. Life experiences definitely has shaped me into the young woman I am now, I was kind of mature before everything but this definitely pushed me to see clearly and handle things with more thought and overall process of how and when to react. I used to pray that I could have a diiferent life and even though this is not exactly what I meant, It is still really good at the moment. Ive reconnected with some people from the past, and Ive also attracted more people recently who have come my bestfriends, Things do look up eventually. Life is truly what YOU make it.

#selfworth #recovery #mystory

0 notes