#And Griffin hasn’t felt joy since ever

[infernalrevenge]

Growing A Garden In My Heart

Fandom: Choices - The Elementalists

Pairing: Atlas Ernhardt x Aster D'Yew, Atlas Ernhardt & M!MC (Vyrion Ramos)

Rating: G

Summary: Atlas' twin helps him deal with new feelings and tries to convince him that having a crush isn't so bad.

Notes: Why yes, I do believe that every ball of angst should be paired with a ray of sunshine. I just think it was cute how they navigated through school together and having a group of friends for the first time, so it might be really cute too to see how they might navigate romantic feelings and a potential relationship. They just both deserve to be happy.

----------

Ever since Atlas told Vyrion that he may have a small-sorta-maybe-kinda-small-I-dunno crush on a certain wood nymph in their friend group, it has been non-stop teasing at every opportunity. It wasn't like he wanted to tell his twin, but he was basically forced to after being annoyed into submission, and did he ever regret giving into his antics.

He and Aster had formed their own little friendship besides the one they had with the other Pend Pals, becoming study buddies and frequently meeting up during the weekends to either catch up on papers, or just catch up with each other. He found himself comfortable in her company, genuinely enjoying the time they spent together -- just the two of them -- and always looked forward to seeing her. Sometimes, they would even text each other, and the Moon-Att just couldn't help but smile with every new message he got from her.

That behavior was exactly what led to his downfall, when Vyrion caught him red-handed and threatened to steal the device to find out if he didn't fess up himself.

Atlas didn't even know when these feelings blossomed, why he started seeing the girl in a different light. He wasn't even sure if it counted as a crush at all. Was it a crush if he was just excited to see her, or happy to be talking to her? He could feel that way with his other friends (sometimes it was still strange to him that he even had friends in the first place) too, right?

But a part of him knew it was different. It wasn't like his heart raced whenever he was around Zeph, or felt like his body was on fire when Griffin would pat him on the back.

He still remembered that one time he and Aster sat next to each other while hanging out with the rest of the crew, her arm pressed against his, and it felt like a continuous explosion of fireworks went off in his body.

It was just a good thing Vyrion can keep a secret. He hadn't even told his girlfriend about it, and he just knew if Shreya did then either she would join in on the torment or everyone else in the school would know. He wasn't sure what was worse, but there was one thing he did know: Aster was not to find out.

And yet his twin was suggesting he do exactly the opposite.

"What do you mean I should tell her?" Atlas gritted, almost yelling until he realized that the walls weren't exactly enchanted for soundproofing.

"Asking her out on a date is not as bad as you think. Besides, you said you've hung out a bunch of times with just the two of you already. It's not gonna be that different," Vyrion explained, much more calmly in comparison. It was almost funny seeing how the tables had turned, with him as the level-headed one and giving advice this time.

The Moon-Att sighed, "My intentions would be different. I've never... courted a girl before. I've never courted anyone before!"

"But surely you've had crushes before. How did you used to deal with them?"

"...I didn't?"

"Didn't have crushes or didn't deal with them?"

"...both?"

"Oh."

"And it's not like I had the time to even think about those kinds of feelings. I wasn't exactly around other people besides my foster parents growing up, remember?" Atlas huffed, falling back onto his bed. He and Vyrion were supposed to be talking about their upcoming plans for the break, not his non-existent love life.

Still, sometimes he didn't even have to think hard about Aster for her to fill his thoughts. The way she just moves so gracefully without effort, the determination in her eyes from convincing her family that not all Attuned were awful to figuring out a difficult problem in class, the absolute joy on her face on their first day of class after finally being allowed to go to school. She just lit up something in him he couldn't explain, a blooming warmth would fill his chest that he had never felt before.

Those happy thoughts didn't last long, however, when he remembered the reality of the situation.

"She probably won't accept anyway. She doesn't feel that way about me," he said with a weary sigh, eyes glued to the blank ceiling.

"You don't know that," Vyrion replied simply, leaning against Atlas' headboard.

"You don't know that either."

"You're not gonna find out if you're just gonna mope about it though."

"I'll mope as much as I want to. This... This'll go away eventually."

The redhead raised an eyebrow, "It might. But if it doesn't, then what?"

Atlas stayed silent, unsure. Was it possible it wouldn't go away? Was it strange to think that maybe he didn't want it to, and he and Aster could just be together? Just thinking about telling her all of this -- that if she even had an inkling of a notion about how she made him feel -- was enough to twist his stomach into nervous knots, it felt like he was going to throw up.

Why did this feel so much more terrifying than fighting shadow monsters?

(Because he had the training to go against them, and the odds of his victory were almost always on his side. This, however, he was not prepared for at all.)

Vyrion nudged Atlas with his socked foot, making the other jerk away in disgust. "Come on, if she doesn't feel the same way, getting rejected won't be the worst thing in the world." The thought of it still stung Atlas, like a thorn pricking at his heart.

Vyrion continued with his thought, "And Aster's a sweet girl -- she'd still love to be friends with you despite it. You'd be okay with that, right?"

"Of course," he replied without even missing a beat.

"And if it does work out, then that'd be great too, wouldn't it?"

This time, a beat of silence passed between them, and Atlas could only shrug. "I... guess." He had to fight back a smile at the idea of it.

"Besides, with good looks and charms like ours, it's a slim chance that Aster hasn't already fallen for you either." The Sun-Att shoved his foot against his twin's arm again, but this time Atlas grabbed his ankle and practically threw his leg off the bed so his foot hit the ground with a sharp thud. "Ow!"

"This isn't funny."

"What, I meant it! And maybe when you do get together with her, we can go on double dates. Won't that be fun?"

"No."

"Wow, rude."

Atlas tucked his hands under his head, huffing a breath out of his nose. He supposed he could consider his twin's words -- he still wasn't sure if it was all that helpful, but it was better than getting nothing out of it. "But... I dunno, thanks anyway, I guess."

Vyrion smiled, "Anytime, twin o' mine! So, are you gonna ask her out?"

Another bout of silence, then a shrug.

"Knowing you, you'll figure it out." Vyrion patted Atlas' arm, the latter noticing a mischievous twinkle in his eye. "Trust me."

As if on cue, the Sun-Att just got a text from Shreya, asking for them to meet. He bid his twin farewell for the meantime, leaving Atlas alone with his thoughts.

Was there something Vyrion knew that he didn't?

.

.

.

(Outside, the Sun-Att replied to his girlfriend's message.

Shreya 🔥❤️: Did you talk to him?

Vyrion ☀️😘: Yeah just give him some time. They'll work it out)

[darkpoisonouslove]

Let's talk about music! Music headcanons with Valtor×Griffin and Oritel×Marion, please.

Umm… Okay. Music genres are not something I’m fluent in (I just listen to whatever falls into my lap tbh and it’s just a mess of different styles and genres) but let's do this.

Griffin x Valtor:

- Valtor has mixed feelings on classical music. His mothers had him listening to quite a lot of that when he was young since it is supposed to stimulate the brain and that was the effect they were after. He kind of likes it still. But then again he kind of doesn’t. They didn’t allow him to listen to anything else and he is dedicated to exploring new genres but still a bit reserved towards that as well. He only wants “tasteful” music. Go figure what that means.

- Griffin was a dramatic ass bitch during her teens and totally listened to edgy heavy metal songs. She doesn’t even want to remember that since her own taste was horrendous according to her. Basically the logic there went “The edgier, the better”. She’s more into relaxing and spiritual music now with few lyrics and gentle melodies. It is a big leap, yeah, and Valtor teases her about it (since she had the bad judgment to admit her musical sins to him and he hasn’t given her a break ever since). She also likes slow and sensual songs and the occasional faster and emotion charged ones.

- Valtor can dance, of course. Doesn’t mean that he wants to. But that is only because all the dancing he’s been doing has been complicated court dances. Griffin had trouble getting him to dance with her in their room the first time but he’s loved it ever since. It is very different from what he’s used to and it makes him feel alive. They end up slowdancing around the room, sometimes barely swaying to the soft tunes of the music and it’s like the whole world stops when she’s in his arms and he can enjoy the feeling of her body and soul so close to his and breathe in her scent, feel her chest move against his as she breathes slowly and deeply as if she’s full of so much love she can barely take it. Nothing quite like those moments, quite like that closeness. It was a different plane of existence and he loved all of it.

- Griffin totally made him into a fan of love songs. He most definitely wasn’t since they only reminded him that he would never be loved but she totally transformed him. It started out with him singing them to her to annoy her but pretty soon he found himself actually feeling the lyrics and the smile on Griffin’s face was not a thinly veiled threat for him to stop as the emotions he was putting into it were now real and pure. And it was magical. He’d never believed he’d be singing a love song but when she was with him it was harder to stop than it was to start. And Griffin sang too. They did duets together, too, and their voices partnered each other just like their powers did. (They also might have sometimes ended in other forms of vocalness ;))

- Valtor can actually play the piano (his mothers insisted he had to be able to read notes and even play them so… piano lessons). He doesn’t really play it anymore but he did for Griffin. She was in absolute awe and the gentleness and emotion of the melody brought her to tears. It was a very heartfelt moment that ended with them wrapped in each other’s embrace for the rest of the night and just holding on to each other.

- Griffin would sometimes sing a lullaby to him when he woke up in the middle of the night from nightmares to calm him down. It was a song her mother had sang to her when she’d been little. It was about the stars and had been her favorite (Valtor, of course, commented on it but it was with respect and perhaps even joy over her passion). It was the sound of her breathing and her heart that lulled him back to sleep, though. He felt safe when she was with him, keeping the nightmares away, both those in reality and in his head.

(Just gonna lay these two out bc they came to me but there is no time for me to think more thoroughly about them and tbh that would be a bad idea anyway since I would just spiral down a rabbit hole of ideas)

(- In an AU when they got to have a child, they would both sing to the baby to help it fall asleep. Griffin would have to teach Valtor some lullabies since he doesn’t know any but he learns them and they make sure to sing to the baby so that it can feel safe and loved.)

(- In canon, when Griffin ran away, Valtor destroyed all the music they’d picked together. He came to despise love songs and felt like a fool every time he heard one. Griffin on the other hand, missed singing with him and always got nostalgic at songs that were particularly feelsy for the two of them.)

Marion x Oritel:

- Marion also grew up with classical music and court dances. She always did like the faster ones, though, with quick steps and lots of twirling and moving around. She also loves R&B (it was just a gut instinct so I have no idea where this came from).

- Oritel is no stranger to the classical music himself but he isn’t all that great at dancing. He is a bit clumsy and sometimes finds it very hard to keep up with Marion. He does his best, though, and she doesn’t complain. Even if he did end up stepping on her toes once or twice.

- Oritel might have picked up a bit of Hagen’s musical taste so… rock. Marion actually likes it. (He was kinda surprised when she did even if he’d learned by now that she usually went against what was expected of her.) There might have been a few songs playing in their bedroom, both rock and R&B. It made for a different atmosphere and might have become a thing, more or less.

- Marion had never felt comfortable singing when there was anyone else present but as she gets used to Oritel’s presence, she starts humming tunes when she feels like it or when a certain song is stuck in her head until she makes her way to outright singing. It took her a while to realize that Oritel had frozen in place and was just listening in awe. She did have a great voice and she’d gotten singing lessons when she’d been younger so the results are… enchanting. Oritel would call her “his fiery siren” after that. But just when it was the two of them. (He may have been very pleased that he was one of the very few people who’d gotten to hear her sing and certainly the only one that she’d truly put her heart into it with.)

- Marion would also sing to Daphne and later to Bloom and both girls would immediately quiet down (it took Bloom a little longer but she’d stop crying pretty soon to listen to her mother’s voice) and look at Marion with big eyes as if trying to take in more of the magical sound. Oritel felt quite mesmerized himself when he watched her rock the babies in her arms as she sang. She was like a breathtaking vision and he couldn’t believe she was his. It was unreal and too good to be true but somehow was. He had not only her but also two daughters and they were a family. It was all he could ask for.

[travllingbunny]

The 100 6x07 Nevermind

Season 6 of The 100 has been fantastic so far, and 6x07 is not just the best episode of the season so far, but also one of my favorite ever episodes of the show. Nevermind is, in many ways, a dream come true for me: this is exactly what I was hoping for at least since the promos for the show started promising the theme of characters “facing their demons”. At the time, I couldn’t have guessed that it would be about Clarke battling a centuries old woman who has taken over her body after her parents had decided to bodysnatch Clarke in order to bring their daughter back, but I was hoping for trippy, mind-bending, character-based storylines. Most of all, one focused on Clarke Griffin, the main character and hero of the show (oddly enough, this needs to be pointed out, since there are fans who keep forgetting it), her psyche, her traumas and emotional issues and character development.

After the wonderful last scene of 6x06 and the promos for this episode, my expectations were really high, and they were met. There was a little bit of fear that the whole “which characters will make a cameo”, “who will be mentioned how many times” thing would distract from Clarke’s character exploration, but that was not the case. This episode was almost entirely (except for the last scene) set in Clarke’s and Josephine’s mind space rather than the real world. The walk down the memory lane that the drawings we saw on Clarke’s mind-wall was there, but it was, above all, a great character study of the show’s protagonist, a battle of wills between the hero and the villain, and it had some big revelations – for the audience or for the characters. It had brilliant dialogue and acting, and was emotional, dark, intense and even funny at times (mostly thanks to Josephine, who is evil and detestable but also incredibly funny and charismatic).

And what particularly made me happy is that it addressed some long-standing questions of morality that the show had been ambiguous about. The show’s moral complexity/greyness has long bordered on moral relativism, and allowed (mis)interpretations in the fandom, to the effect that “There are no good guys, the protagonists are as bad as the villains, therefore it’s all the same and it doesn’t matter if someone does bad things, since everyone does it”. The unfortunate motto “for my people” has been overused and abused by many morally ambiguous or straight-up villainous characters on the show, to justify their own actions (the classic “who are you to talk, when you killed all the Mountain Men! Therefore I get to do whatever I want ‘for my people’’ – as if doing the only thing that could have stopped the evil society of technological vampires/overlords from killing and cannibalizing all your loved ones, is the same as killing people with no remorse to get power). By season 5, Clarke herself seemed to start buying into that view. Josephine Lightbourne again try to use that against Clarke in this episode, and nearly made her give up. This time, however, Clarke and the show both finally said “f*ck you” to that worldview.

One of the reasons why Josephine is such a great villain is that she is both a parallel and a striking contrast to Clarke. On the surface, they seem similar – their looks, background, family. When we first saw her in the flashback in 6x02, the similarities were obvious – another intelligent, capable, beautiful blonde girl with loving parents (Russell, in both versions, even matches the same physical type as Jake), a princess from a privileged background. But Josephine is everything that Clarke-haters (in and out of the show) claim Clarke to be, but that Clarke most definitely is not: selfish, narcissistic, with a god complex, remorseless, sociopathic, completely ruthless, pampered, classist, treating people as disposable. A start contrast to Clarke’s compassionate, caring, self-sacrificing nature.

Various thoughts about this episode in bullet points under the cut.

One of the many contrasts between Clarke and Josephine is the disorganized, beautiful way that different memories fill Clarke’s mind space, as drawings all over the walls of her room, unlike Josephine’s highly structured, organized mind. Just like “Monty”, I also like Clarke’s better.

I’m overall very happy with how this episode included references to various people and events from Clarke’s past, through a combination of drawings, flashbacks, mentions and objects. Most important people in Clarke’s life were referenced – both dead ones like Jake, Finn, Lexa, Jasper, Monty, and living ones like Bellamy and Madi (not so many mentions of Abby, but that’s because she’s both alive and, unlike so many others, not a source of guilt for Clarke).

The only exception is arguably Wells, and it’s really unlucky that the planned appearance by Eli Goree didn’t work out. We still got a confirmation of his importance in Clarke’s life (which should be big – he was her best friend since childhood and died tragically, even if he didn’t last long on the show) through several drawings (and the Chinese version of the idiom “A friend in need is a friend indeed” under one of them), and, more importantly, a close-up of one of them. Let’s be honest, the drawings are generally little more than a cool Easter egg for the fans, if the show doesn’t focus on them through close-ups and flashbacks or mentions – something that the general audience would notice.

I love the way that Clarke’s outfit and hairstyle kept changing depending on which memory or part of her mind space she was in at any given moment. For instance, she started as Ark Clarke from the Pilot, then turned into Eden Clarke when she visited her safe space of the life there with Madi for those 6 years – which was far from perfect (what with being isolated from everyone else, without any adult with her, without other friends or any chance of love or sex life, and waiting for Bellamy to come back and talking to him without answer to keep sane), but was still the most peaceful time she’s known. Except maybe for her childhood, which she did spend in a not-happy space (life on the Ark was difficult, if not for her, then for so many others who were less privileged, and we know Clarke was aware of that), but she had a happy family life, so it makes sense that her father is the first person she would see in her mind-space. Jake and Eden stood for safety and family life and peace, which Clarke thought she got when she briefly believed she had really died – before Jake (aka her own mind) told her it wasn’t true. It’s the sign of her being upset – the rain and storm outside that happened due to her mood – that alerted her to the fact she was still alive.

Every character, other than Josephine, who appeared in Clarke’s mind space was, of course, an embodiment of a part of her.  

Although I’m not sure about ALIE, whose code may have remained there, and who delivered information that Clarke may not have already known. It was the one cameo in this episode that really surprised me (since the rest had been revealed or guessed on social media). She was there for the big revelation that the neural mesh from the time Clarke was in the City of Light is what ended up saving her. This made this episode’s link to 3x13 Nevermore even stronger. (Funny that the erased memory of ALIE!Raven is what gave rise to that awful amnesia theory. Glad that this has been shut down now.) I guess this means that I was wrong about other hosts being savable, and that Delilah is gone forever? A big part of why I wanted it to be true, apart from liking Delilah, was to give the Earthkru more incentive to fight the Primes. But we have been given a lot of other reasons why they should make the decision to so that.

ALIE also had a conversation with Clarke about the nature of life and humanity, which, however, could be just Clarke talking to herself. Clarke has been tempted to run away from pain, she’s even tempted to run from it by accepting death in this episode, but she’s still insisting that pain is a necessary part of life and that there’s no joy without it. At the core, Clarke is not someone who gives up.

The revelation that the darkest and most painful memories are those that aren’t even on the wall and that Clarke keeps hidden, explained some things, such as why there were no drawings on the mind-wall of such huge moments as Jake’s death or Finn’s death (Clarke’s trauma from this was a subject of an entire episode – one of my favorites, 2x09, Remember Me)... However, while I don’t want to criticize the prop department, who did an incredible job drawing those pictures from scenes, they did make an error - one of the drawings of Lexa is actually from the scene of her right after being shot, which doesn’t really fit (her death is one of the “darkest place” hidden memories) – though you wouldn’t know that by just looking at the picture and not knowing the scene.

I’m glad that Josephine called out Clarke on child abuse, and that the drawing of Madi in pain in the shock collar was so prominent on the wall. Season 5 had Clarke at her lowest point, and that was certainly, IMO, one of the worst things she’s done.

We know (from 6x04) that Clarke’s biggest regret is leaving Bellamy in Polis in season 5, and this episode confirmed that this weighs so heavy on Clarke’s heart that she can’t even face Bellamy in her mind space (which fits with the fact that the darkest and most traumatic moments are those she did not put on the wall). She is afraid that he hasn’t really forgiven her in his heart, and that he can’t, because she can’t forgive herself. Even if Bellamy is alive and well, Clarke’s feelings for him make her betrayal of him unforgivable in her own eyes (even though, at the time she did it, she had been heartbroken and furious because she felt he had betrayed her). Octavia, or rather Blodreina, was the right embodiment of her guilt in a weird way, since she was the danger that Clarke left Bellamy to, the one who threw him into the pit in the first place (kind of like Jaha was the embodiment of Bellamy’s guilt over the culling in 1x08). She reminded Clarke of some of her other sins, those that involved Clarke being ready to sacrifice Octavia (while trying to protect Bellamy) – letting the bomb drop on the people in Tondc, stealing the bunker in season 4, but she was there mostly to talk about Bellamy, because the relationship between Clarke and Octavia has always mostly revolved around their respective relationships with him. Even in her own mind, Clarke is still deflecting when confronted with her feelings for Bellamy (“I care about both of you”, just like she said “I care about all of them” when called out on her feelings for Bellamy by Lexa in 2x14). Octavia is also the embodiment of the unwillingness to forgive, so her refusal to fight for Clarke makes sense.

Not that Clarke needed any help to kick Josephine’s arse. It was satisfying to see, but expected. Josephine is an actual pampered princess who’s never had to fight for anything, while Clarke has been fighting and surviving in adverse circumstances for 7 years.

Maya’s appearance made perfect sense, but she was the most OOC character of all the “mind space” characters – maybe because Clarke didn’t get to know her that well, but mostly because she was the embodiment of Clarke’s guilt over the innocent deaths she’s caused. Maya was a good person, someone who helped them against her own people because it was the right thing to do, and because she knew what the Mountain Men were doing was wrong. She is also linked in Clarke’s mind with her feelings of guilt over Jasper – Clarke didn’t know Maya well, but Jasper was one of her closest friends, and Clarke feels deeply guilty for indirectly causing his downward spiral that ended with his suicid4. I was happy to see him referenced so much in this episode – through “Maya”, the case Clarke found in 5x01, and his goggles that she found there, which all played a big role in this episode. The accusations that “Maya” (Clarke herself) made sounded a lot like the repertoire of Clarke-haters: that she likes being a savior, has a god complex, has killed more people than she’s saved, is no better than the Primes… This is a confirmation that Clarke herself has agonized over all of these things. But it’s not what the real Maya would have said – the real Maya died acknowledging the responsibility all of the Mountain Men had for the evil things their society was doing, saying “None of us is innocent”. When Clarke made her “Maya” character be helpful against Josephine, it was the closest thing to what the real Maya had been like.

Clarke’s darkest place, the most painful and traumatic memories she has, are the deaths of Finn and Lexa, the only two people she has had romantic relationships with – relationships that were both extremely brief and tragic, and ended with deaths that traumatized Clarke a lot and made her feel guilty – even though she doesn’t really have, IMO, objective reasons to feel responsible for either of them, it’s not hard to see why she would feel, on the emotional, irrational level, that she is the one causing people to die. (The show and especially the fandom have tended to ignore one of these relationships  post-season 2 and to over-focus on the other, so I was pleasantly surprised that they were both acknowledged in a similar way for their role in Clarke’s development and emotional traumas – with the visual references with Lexa’s throne and the pole Finn was tied to and the knife Clarke used to mercy kill him, combined with the flashback of Finn’s death, a different flashback of Lexa seen before, and Josephine’s indirect mention of her death – which was probably the most elegant solution, since I don’t think the show would ever dare replay the footage of her death for fear of more backlash.)

It’s certainly no coincidence that this dark place that’s about Clarke’s traumas of her tragic romantic life is the place where Josephine breaks Clarke by convincing her that Bellamy has given up on her and that he and everyone are better off with her dead. Josephine didn’t technically lie – she told her he took her death hard but in the end made the rational choice of agreeing to the deal with her murderers. But, by showing her an out-of-context memory of Bellamy taking the deal, she showed her a skewed version of the truth. Clarke didn’t see Bellamy’s grieving, despair and anger, and didn’t realize that Bellamy saying that she would do the same was out of admiration for her, as a leader who’s not just smart but also selfless and caring. She probably took it as another sign he sees her as a monster, doesn’t care that much about her and is better off without her, because it fed into her own insecurities.

Josephine: “Have you considered sacrificing yourself?” Bitch, watch the season 4 finale. She didn’t just consider it, she did it.

I loved the fact that the case Clarke used to hide the important memory was Jasper’s case, that it contained Jasper’s goggles alongside Jake’s video, and that the lock password was “102”. More confirmation of the importance of the initial Delinquents community from season 1 in Clarke’s life and the show. “You forgot Bellamy and Raven” may be my favorite line from this episode.

Monty’s return (which the show tried to hide by not putting Chris Larkin’s name in the credits until the end credits, but it revealed it through not cutting enough of one of the promo pics) was not a complete surprise, thanks to the detective work of some of the fans, but was still my favorite part of the episode. Monty was most in-character, because Clarke knew him so well, and it makes perfect sense that he was the voice of Clarker’s reason and moral compass, which is what made her change her mind after having given up and given Josephine the victory. (You want a great platonic friendships between a man and a woman on The 100? Here it is!)

The ‘Monty” part of Clarke’s mind fought back, against all the BS – the “bear it so they don’t have to”, “for my people” mottos and moral relativism and Josephine’s half-truths) and reaffirmed Clarke’s resilience and will to live, and reminded her that what it all comes down to is not just saving your people, but doing the right thing. After Monty told them to be good guys and be happy. Both of these messages are what Clarke had to remember. As I’ve been pointing out, doing better is not just standing by and not killing people. It’s also actively fighting against evil. They are not being good guys if they let the Primes murder, bodysnatch, oppress, brainwash and sacrifice the people from their community, just because it doesn’t affect them.  As “Monty” (Clarke) pointed out, it’s not doing better if you let the Primes murder people to live forever.

Clarke’s trip through Josephine’s memories (of being killed by Kaylee, and of killing Isaac and sacrificing a baby) helped her fully realize that Josephine is truly evil and needs to be stopped. Really, if killing babies is not enough to make you classify someone as true evil on a whole different level, what can?

Josephine tried to pull the “for my people” motto with Issac, but she was full of s*hit. She only does things for herself and maybe a few other people (not even all the Primes, since she murdered four of them). We learned that Children of Gabriel are literally the children that the Primes tried to sacrifice to the trees and that Isaac saved and brought to Gabriel. We also got another confirmation of the cruel caste system of Sanctum, where “nulls” (people who are not Nightblood gene carriers) are treated as lower life forms, and routinely sacrificed, and that Josephine would rather kill them all, if she was allowed to by her father. Not that having the NB gene is so good, as it means your child may end up as a host, and obviously, the “honor” of being a Nightblood means you get bodysnatched at the age of 21.

When Isaac said  “if only we were allowed to be more than your janitors and guards”, it felt like it was the writers’ way of reminding us of the class system on the Ark, where Bellamy was a janitor and a guard-in-training. It’s also another reminder of how different Clarke and Josephine are – Josephine would have considered someone like Bellamy expendable and useless, whereas Clarke quickly showed in season 1 she valued people based on their personal qualities rather than their origin or class.

It was cool to see a flashback to the time before the apocalypse, complete with references to Diyoza and Becca, but this memory was my least favorite part of the episode. I guess I just wasn’t that interested in Josephine’s traumatic memories, since I don’t think they’re enough to explain her sociopathic nature. On second thought, you could say that this guy was her Finn, and that her response to that trauma was completely different from Clarke’s – genuinely shutting herself down to any compassion or remorse.

I love the fact that what saved the day was the fact that Clarke and Bellamy were both good students of Earth skills (taught by Pike!) and that they are, once again, so well attuned to each other that they can communicate this way. Or the fact that Bellamy was watching JC so carefully, even though it must have hurt him emotionally to look at her, that he noticed her movements and read them correctly.

Nice to see Miller back, but did he have to be so… not-bright? In any case, it’s great to see Bellamy as determined to save Clarke, as he was despondent in the last episode. This is maybe the first time that Clarke really needs saving, but a huge and crucial part of that rescue was Clarke deciding that she wants to live.

Rating: 10/10

[justalittlebluetiefling]

5x03 - Bellamy’s Face

I’m going to give you guys the stuff I wrote about Bellamy’s faces, but under the cut, because it seemed very important to include awfully edited screenshots that I took on my phone last night.

There had to be ten thousand different thoughts going through Bellamy’s head when he meets Madi. I mean, first of all, this girl, this “just a kid” comes flying out of the forest throwing spears and shooting guns. With that kind of training, it’s not unrealistic for him to think she was a kid from the bunker. But then, THEN THIS KID SAYS HIS NAME.

I mean, it’s not like they have pictures laying around. Even if this kid was close with Octavia or Miller or one of the other few people in the bunker who were close with Bellamy, it would be a pretty wild leap for this kid to make. So there are a few alarm bells going off in his head. Maybe Wonkru knows to look for a rocket on its way down and there’s only a certain amount of people who could be on that ship. Maybe. But still, it’s pretty confusing.

But now, here’s the kicker. With a relief on her face, this kid says, “Clarke knew you would come.”

I honestly love how the first thing on his face is pure, unadulterated disbelief. Like, this guy hasn’t hoped Clarke is alive since he shut the door of the rocket.

Pan over to Harper and Monty who are checking for his reaction and by the time we’re back on Bellamy, he looks shocked.

Hurt. Heartbroken. He’s got tears in his eyes. His voice cracks when he says her name. It’s like, panic, shock, panic, guilt, awe, panic, shock. All in those three seconds. He can’t move. He’s literally stuck in place. There’s no relief there. No excitement, no joy. He’s just plain freaking out. It sort of looks like he thinks someone is fucking with him.

In fact, quick side note: there’s no joy on his face for the rest of the episode. No relief. He had a general idea of what he was coming down to find, but he still managed to smile at Emori before they got out of the ship. Things were still pretty lighthearted until they ran into the Eligius guys and Madi came in spears and guns blazing.

Back to my main point. When the words “Clarke’s alive?” finally make it out of his mouth (finally, because boy was frozen for six seconds), he doesn’t seem to believe them. Bellamy has been one of this show’s biggest hope advocates and this the one thing he can’t bring himself to hope for, because it would be too devastating to find out that it’s not true. It’s been easier for him to assume she’s dead than to hope that she’s alive. The idea to him that she’s been alive this entire time is terrifying, which was interesting to me at first, because I thought he would assume that she would have been with Wonkru the whole time. Then I remembered that in episode one, he was really freaked out about the bunker in general. He hopes that they’re alive in there, but he’s prepared himself for the possibility that something went wrong. But when Madi says ‘Clarke’, the bunker is the furthest thing from his mind. He’s standing there trying to wrap his head around this potential lie, because he thought he moved on. He thought he moved past this. Grief for a loved one never truly stops, but this hits him hard.

It hits him so hard that when this kid says, “She’s in trouble. We have to go,” he STILL can’t move. I’m paused on this screen right now and his body language is so… awkward.

He still hasn’t put his hands all the way down. (Monty hadn’t either, btw. The next closest to Clarke on the ground.) He’s swaying a little on his feet and his hands are hovering awkwardly out in front of his hips like he’s forgotten how to move them. He’s staring at Madi like he’s not sure she’s real. Like maybe if he doesn’t move, he’ll wake up in his bed back in space and this entire thing will have been a crazy dream. He hears the question Monty asks, but he still. can't. move. Not until Madi speaks again.

“What about the others in the bunker?” “Still there.” This snaps him into a stance that’s both aggressive and defensive. “What? No. How can that be?” His face changes to pure anguish (instead of dancing around it like he had been), but he still can’t move. Madi literally has to grab him and pull him into action. And he looks so confused about why he’s letting this kid pull him along with no tangible proof. 

I so wish we could have seen his reaction to seeing the rover. To seeing THIS KID hop into the driver’s seat.

The drive clearly wasn’t that long, but it was long enough for Madi to explain the situation with the bunker and for Bellamy to collect himself. But when he sees Clarke for the first time, it’s like he still doesn’t quite believe it, even with her right in front of him. 

Every single guilty thought he had at leaving her behind six years ago is bubbling back up to the surface, because now he knows that she was alone while he had friends. He formed new relationships. He let himself try to find some peace. I think he’s terrified that she’s going to blame him, yell at him for abandoning her and leaving her to face this horrible place, because he’s not focused on the fact that she found Madi. He’s focused on the fact that she had to watch her friends, him, leave her behind.

But the next time we see him, he’s shoved all that down.

This is a guy who hasn’t had to fight for six years about to get out and fight. This is both resolve and relief. You think this guy is ever going to leave Clarke Griffin to face something alone again? THINK AGAIN MY FRIEND. He only has eyes for his platonic soulmate, lovelies. Teary eyes.

Bellamy thought they’d be negotiating for the life of his sister, Clarke’s mom, Kane, Miller... Wonkru. But now he’s here playing this card he was supposed to play for everyone for ONE PERSON. He does a pretty good job of keeping his cool until he looks at Clarke again.

After he looks at Clarke again, I don’t think he looks away. I mean, is this the face of someone who’s ever going to not look at Clarke’s face ever again? Well, yeah, because it’s impossible to live your life that way, but shit.

He’s been processing all of this for how many minutes? Not a lot of time has passed since he intially met Madi. It’s been enough time for them to untie Clarke, put the collar on her, pull her outside and shock her three times. Let’s say it’s been 15 mintues. 15 minutes for it to finally hit him that everything in his life has already changed. The one thing he’s regretted the most for six years is fixable. He can finally tell her how he felt. How he still feels. And it hurts him, because he said nothing would change on the ground, but now everything is unraveling.

Anyway, I can’t wait for Tuesday.

[bellarkelifestyle]

THANKS Y’ALL <3

WOWOWOWOW I can’t believe I’ve just hit 500 followers!! You guys are seriously all so amazing and it warms my heart knowing there’s so many of y’all out there hearing what I’m shouting into the void of the internet (ik it’s mostly bellarke so THANKS BELLARKE FAM!!!!)

As an impossibly small measure of my gratitude and love for you guys, this is a little bellarke fic I’ve been messing with. Essentially, it’s a “what we should have got in 4x03″ set in the iconic af list scene  from that episode, which is seriously one of my fave bellarke episodes ever. It’s canon divergence and mostly inspired from my own fluffy bellarke day dreams. Hope you enjoy, and as always, let me know what y’all think! Thanks again you guys!! MWAH

As Long as the World Keeps Spinning 

Clarke stares at the list, looking dejected, the tears still fresh in her eyes. Bellamy is overcome with the desperate urge to do something, anything, to offer her some sort of comfort. He knows what it’s like to feel unworthy of a second chance. but she, this girl in front of him, made him believe he was worth it. And if he’s worth it, then she most definitely is. Hesitating on a course of action for a brief second, he finally decides to reach out to her. Placing his hand on her shoulder, his fingers settling on the back of her neck, his little finger accidentally slips under the collar of her shirt to rest on the small bone at the base of her neck. For an instant, no one moves. But then Clarke inhales raggedly, and to Bellamy’s surprise, her small, warm hand comes up and covers his. Shocking him further, she leans her cheek onto her hand and turns her face towards his palm. 

Bellamy is stricken with disbelief; he has no idea what to do. Thankfully, Clarke’s always been good at figuring out the next step. She stands, releasing his hand, and Bellamy jolts to remove his as well, but before he can get far, her right hand darts up and returns his hand to her shoulder. She’s grasping it tightly, like a silent plea not to go. He abides; of course he abides. He’d do anything if it meant he could offer her even a fraction of the solace she’s given him since he met her. Turning to face him, her hand slides around his until they’re interlocked, but he can’t seem to meet her gaze. She tugs his hand softly, beckoning for his attention. Unable to deny her, his gaze shoots up and he sees so much torment in her eyes, that it shatters his heart. 

Wanting, needing to comfort her, they move simultaneously, as if they were of one mind, his arms folding around her waist as hers snake around his neck, and they pull each other into a tight embrace. With their bodies flush, he can feel Clarke trembling slightly, and he tucks his face into that little spot next to her neck, where her blond waves envelop his face. He would never admit it, but he’s pretty sure it’s his favourite place on earth.  

As he breathes her in, he marvels at the effect she has on him. It never fails to amaze him how he’s instantly calmer when he’s with her. He can feel Clarke’s mouth on the little patch of his shoulder exposed by the well-worn, stretched out t-shirt. His skin tingles where her lips make contact, where her breath comes out in small puffs, but he forces that train of thought out of his mind. It’s not what she wants, he tells himself for the millionth time. Lost in her touch, in just being with her, he’s not sure how long they’ve been standing here like this. It could’ve been minutes, hours even. All he knows is that he never wants to leave. But something’s changed. Clarke, he realizes, as she begins to shift within his arms. Quickly he begins to unfold from her, but she seems to have a different idea. Clarke removes her arms from his neck, but instead of pulling away from him like he expects, she trails her fingers down to his chest. Her head drops to the middle, tucked into his sternum, and she curls herself even closer to his body. For the second time tonight, Bellamy has no idea what to do. but as usual, Clarke seems to have a plan. 

With her left hand resting in a loose fist, and her right hand splayed over his heart, she strokes her thumb up and down, mimicking the beating of his heart.

Thump thump. Thump thump. 

The breath catches in Bellamy’s throat. His heart feels like it’s glowing, and he knows Clarke can feel it speeding up. He shifts his arms, but Clarke makes a small sound or protest, so he moves one hand to rest in between her shoulder blades and keeps the other one firmly on her waist. He too moves his thumbs up and down, mimicking his racing heart. Finally, he allows himself to rest his cheek on the top of Clarke’s head. For a while, it’s just content silence, until Clarke speaks. 

“I love this sound,” she whispers, and she must sense Bellamy’s confusion, because she adds, “your heartbeat. Because it means that you’re alive, and you’re okay. That we’re okay.“ 

Stunned, Bellamy can’t think of anything to say. The potential gravity of the words she’s just admitted has only begun to hit him. He doesn’t want to read this the wrong way. After all, he reminds himself, it’s not what she wants. So he manages to find his voice in the confusion of his emotions and whispers back, "Clarke?" 

Clarke moves her head back, forcing him to meet her gaze. She looks beautiful, standing there in front of him, chin set in the confident, stubborn way he’s all too familiar with. The way that used to irritate him to no end when they first crashed on this hellish planet but eventually became something he admired, a trademark of her conviction when it came to protecting her people - their people. Her lips, set in a tight but welcoming line, the warmth from the smile her heart is too heavy to show still seeping through. And finally, her eyes. 

Those brilliant blue eyes, the colour of the sky the first time he ever saw it, which was also the first day he met her. A good day, he remembers fondly. They’re still glistening from the emotional task of the list but are somehow filled with hope and determination; the very qualities about her that got him through his overwhelming self-loathing back in the early days of the dropship, when it was just them and 100 kids against the world. But there’s another emotion in her eyes, one he’s just barely glimpsed at a few times before, one that both enthralls and terrifies him. 

He’s seen it when she gazed at him when they reunited in Camp Jaha after the Ark landed; when she stole his breath by telling him she ‘couldn’t lose him too’; when he placed his hand on top of hers in Mount Weather; when he wiped the hair out of her face in that desolate cave; when he crouched in front of her and held her hands when she snuck into Arkadia; when she told him the world was ending standing in front of the grounder throne, and looking back now, probably a million other times in between. It’s an emotion he hasn’t dared to hope she would ever feel or reciprocate. His mouth is suddenly dry, and any words he thought he was capable of speaking have left him. All he can do is stare at her. 

Clarke purses her lips, and her words tumble out. "You make me feel safe… like safety is something I - we - can actually achieve. And… I trust you, more than I’ve ever trusted anyone in the world, and I need you if I’m even going to have a chance of getting through all this but it’s more than that now, and if I’m being honest, it probably has been for a while, because… I need you. and I know I’ve said it before but I mean it differently this time, Bellamy. I need you." 

And that’s when Bellamy knows that the third emotion in her eyes, the unnamed one, the one he didn’t dare name is, in fact, the one he never believed he’d ever receive. Gazing up at him, with her eyes the colour of that endless sky from their first day on Earth, shining, filled with hope and determination, he knows what that unnamed emotion is, and yes, it’s actually, really, finally, love. She loves you, echoes his mind, and Bellamy is so overcome with heart-bursting joy that all he can do is stutter "I- I- I-” but it doesn’t even seem to matter because the next thing he registers is Clarke’s lips pressing against his. They’re warm and soft and when he opens his mouth against hers, they’re sweet too, and just so perfect. 

For a few long seconds - too-short seconds - Bellamy’s entire world is just Clarke and her lips on his lips, her cheek under his thumb, her hair tangled in his fingers, her hands clutching his chest and nothing has ever felt more right in his miserable, horrible, pathetic, beautiful, wondrous, amazing life than this. Because of her. Because of Clarke Griffin. 

When they finally separate, Bellamy stares at Clarke as she stares right back, and in between their heavy breaths, Clarke gives him a gorgeous, glowing smile, and Bellamy knows he can die happy because he’s seen her full of joy. The knowledge that he’s a part of that is a blessing of its own. He returns her grin with one of his own, a big smile that’s stretching across his face, making him look a little goofy but he couldn’t care less because here she is, here is Clarke standing in front of him smiling at him because she kissed him. Nothing will ever be greater than this moment. At least, that’s what he thought, up until Clarke utters the words that cause his heart to stop beating entirely.

"I hope you know…” she begins, but then pauses. She seems hesitant, afraid even. And it dawns on Bellamy why. Because he feels the same way too. That to love someone is to doom them. 

Well, he thinks, maybe this can be different. Maybe we can be different. But he doesn’t want to push her, and he’s about to tell her so when Clarke makes up her mind.

“That I love you,” she exhales in a rush. “I love you,” she repeats with conviction, a smile teasing her lips. Smiling even wider, Bellamy leans forward until his forehead rests against hers. 

Breathing her in, he steadies his nerves before replying. “Of course I love you.“ He catches a hint of her smirk as he places his thumb in the little dimple in her chin, tipping her head up so that their lips can meet once more. Bellamy knows that he can get through anything as long as she’s by his side. And he’ll be damned if she ever feels alone in this world again. 

"We’re in this together, right?” Clarke asks softly. 

 "Together,” he affirms. “Always.“ And if he has any say in it, it’ll be for as long as this terrible, beautiful planet keeps spinning.

check out more of my fic here

[shakeel786blog]

Trump weighs in on racist Roseanne Barr tweet asking for his own apology from Disney CEO

The White House responded to the outrage over Roseanne Barr‘s racist tweet Wednesday by saying that “no one is defending what she said” but at the same time attacking “hypocrisy in the media,” citing “the most horrible things” said “about this president and nobody addresses it.”

Interested in Roseanne?

Add Roseanne as an interest to stay up to date on the latest Roseanne news, video, and analysis from ABC News.

Reading from a prepared statement at a White House briefing, press secretary Sarah Sanders asked, as the president did in a tweet earlier in the day, why Disney Chairman and CEO Bob Iger had called former Obama adviser Valerie Jarrett to apologize for Barr’s tweet and hadn’t called him to do the same for comments made about him on Disney-owned ABC’s “The View” and another Disney network, ESPN.

“Where was Bob Iger’s apology to the White House staff for Jamele Hill calling the President, and anyone associated with him, a white supremacist? To Christians around the world for Joy Behar calling Christianity a mental illness? Where was the apology for Kathy Griffin going on a profane rant against the President on The View after a photo showed her holding President Trump’s decapitated head? And where was the apology from Bog Iger for ESPN hiring Keith Olbermann after his numerous expletive-laced tweets attacking the President as a Nazi and even expanding Olbermann’s role after that attack against the President’s family.”

“This is a double-standard that the President is speaking about, nobody is defending her comments, they’re inappropriate but that’s what the point that he was making,” Sanders said.

Neither Iger nor Disney immediately responded to requests from ABC News for comment.

Griffin, who was fired from CNN’s New Year’s Eve program, apologized for her actions but later took back her apology on “The View.” She reportedly used an expletive referring to Trump and said, “This president is different and I have been through the mill and so now I’m back on the road.”

Behar apologized for referring to comments made about Pence by former Trump White House aide Omorasa Maginault Newman on the CBS program “Celebrity Big Brother” warning against Pence ever becoming president. “He’s extreme,” Newman said. “I’m Christian, I love Jesus, but he thinks Jesus tells him to say things.”

“It’s one thing to talk to Jesus,” Behar said. “It’s another thing when Jesus talks to you. That’s called mental illness, if I’m not correct, hearing voices,” Behar reportedly said on “The View.”

Iger was later quoted as saying Behar’s comment was “wrong” and that her apology was appropriate.

After Hill tweeted comments about Trump, the network put out a statement saying they “do not represent the position of ESPN. We have addressed this with Jemele and she recognizes her actions were inappropriate.”

Later, as reported in Vanity Fair in October, Iger explained that the decision not to fire Hill was made with context in mind, referring to Trump’s comments last August about the white nationalist and counter-protests in Charlottesville that there were “some very fine people on both sides.”

“There are a lot of people out there who were outraged,” Iger said. The promise that was given to them in the Constitution, that they fought for in the Civil War and civil rights movement, he said, is “the opposite” of what Americans have seen in the last few months, Vanity Fair quoted him as saying.

“It’s hard for me to understand what it feels like to experience racism,” he added in the interview. “I felt we needed to take into account what other people ESPN were feeling at this time and that resulted in us not taking action.”

ESPN has taken conservative fire for recently rehiring Olbermann who has blasted Trump as a “Nazi” in tweets.

Sanders comments Wednesday came after she was asked whether the president has spoken to Barr and why he chose to address the ABC apology instead of the underlying issue of concerns about the racist comment she tweeted out. Sanders did not say whether the president specifically condemned Barr’s tweet.

Earlier Wednesday, the day after ABC canceled the hit reboot of “Roseanne,” Trump — a fan of the show — weighed in on Twitter and didn’t repudiate the racist remarks Barr made but instead called for an apology from Iger.

Bob Iger of ABC called Valerie Jarrett to let her know that “ABC does not tolerate comments like those” made by Roseanne Barr. Gee, he never called President Donald J. Trump to apologize for the HORRIBLE statements made and said about me on ABC. Maybe I just didn’t get the call?

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 30, 2018

The apology from Iger Trump referred to came Tuesday, before ABC publicly announced the show was canceled in a statement from Channing Dungey, president of ABC Entertainment. “Roseanne’s Twitter statement is abhorrent, repugnant and inconsistent with our values, and we have decided to cancel her show,” she said in the statement. Iger later added his own comment to the statement on Twitter. “There was only one thing to do here, and that was the right thing,” Iger tweeted. ABC Television Group and ABC News are both owned by Disney, though the entertainment company is separate from the news division.

At an MSNBC town hall on racism Tuesday night, Jarrett thanked Iger for calling her. “I want to mention Bob Iger, who is the CEO of Disney called me before the announcement, he apologized, he said he had zero tolerance for that sort of racist, bigoted comment and he wanted me to know before he made it public that he was cancelling his show and so I appreciate that they did that so swiftly,” she said, adding that she thought it was the right move.

Barr’s post early Tuesday morning, which has since been deleted, said that Jarrett, who is African-American, looked like “muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a baby …” She has since apologized.

There is a long history in the U.S., dating back to the days of slavery, of African Americans being depicted and referred to as apes or monkeys as a way to dehumanize and justify discrimination.

Twitter

Roseanne Barr posted a tweet on May 29, 2018 that read, “muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a baby=vj.”

Wednesday’s tweet was the first comment on the firestorm from the president, though he called the show and its success “great” when it aired back in March. Trump didn’t mention the controversy at a rally in Nashville on Tuesday night.

In Ohio in March, he told the crowd he called Barr after the show aired to congratulate her.

Andrew Harnik/AP

President Donald Trump speaks at a rally at the Gaylord Opryland Resort and Convention Center, on May 29, 2018, in Nashville, Tenn.

“Even look at Roseanne. I called her yesterday. Look at her ratings, look at her ratings,” the president said, adding that the show was doing well because it resonated with his base. “And it was about us. They haven’t figured it out, the fake news hasn’t quite figured it out yet,” he said.

On “Good Morning America” earlier that day, Barr called the call “exciting” and said she’s known the president for a long time.

“I’ve known him for many years and he’s done a lot of nice things for me over the years, and so it was just a friendly conversation about working and television and ratings,” Barr told “Good Morning America” anchor George Stephanopoulos over the phone.

She also reflected on a need for more “civilized” conversation in the country.

“That’s what we need to do as a country is figure out what we don’t like, talk to each other and discuss how we’re going to get it changed or fixed,” Barr said. “I really hope that it opens up civil conversation between people instead of just of mud-slinging. I really do because I think we need to be more civilized in that,” she said.

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[darkpoisonouslove]

Disaster trio + Hollywood AU

So this got angsty and long again. Less shenanigans and more crushing reality (even when it’s fake) but the bond is still there. I hope this doesn’t deviate too much from anything you had in mind with this AU.

1. Griffin acts like her life depends on it. Because it does. Her roles are the only thing that allows her to pay for her mother’s treatment and she can’t allow herself to stop no matter how much she hates the whole lifestyle, the way she has to do it over and over again, put her entire emotional range on display for people’s enjoyment and be a fake every time she smiles at one of her costars she can’t stand but has to kiss for months anyway. She can’t lose her mother, too, after her father’s death crushed them both. It will be the end of her. Even when the roles are all that’s left of her and she clings insistently to them because at least they have lives. They have problems that get resolved in the end or they die. Either way, they have a better fate than the one she has to suffer and she plunges herself into them, researching and wearing the face of her characters like it is her own because she can’t stand looking at the mirror when the only thing she sees is a hollow where there used to be a smile.

2. Ediltrude is by her side, stepping in front of her the moment a storm approaches in the form of a pretentious director or a supporting actress that wants to tear her long hair out so maybe she’ll be cast in the leading role instead. She protects her from everyone that’s trying to make her horrible life worse and Griffin is more than grateful. It means so much. Not any less than when Ediltrude will do her nails and makeup, and her hair, and won’t let anyone come near her and touch her when they’re already taking her life’s energy. And she’ll make her laugh with her teases that can be downright offensive but are still a breath of fresh air when she knows they’re real. The only real thing among the flood of pretense around her. Just like Ediltrude’s aggression is when someone upsets her and the measures she takes to lift her spirits can be called violent in the literal sense since she’s gotten into a fight with a stylist or a production assistant on several occasions, some of them on a physical level. But strangely, bailing her out of the arrest is less of a headache than listening to people droning on and on about things she’s perfectly capable of pretending to care about - she’s one of the best actresses after all - but she simply doesn’t want to. She much prefers driving after a police cruiser to get her friend out of jail before heading home where Ediltrude has a few bottles of expensive alcohol stashed away so that they can celebrate bursting the bubble of whatever asshole has been giving them trouble that day.

3. From a professional point of view Zarathustra’s role in her career is unclear. She knows to get Griffin tea when she gets coffee for herself and her sister - and still huffs when she sees Ediltrude spicing her own drink with some liquor even though Griffin is more than used to the sight now and she only met them in college - and manages to order takeout that even Griffin finds not simply acceptable but delicious even if she would still prefer one of the home cooked meals her mother taught her how to prepare. And to be fair, Zarathustra would prefer them, too, but they spend about 16 hours at work every day and there is rarely time for her to cook, nor can she find the energy. But besides that, Zara is the person having her back. She is her emotional anchor in a way Ediltrude can’t allow herself to be because she’s afraid she’ll fall apart instead of help keep Griffin whole and Griffin can’t help but understand that. The twins lost their own mother when they were quite young - and that strained their relationship with their father - so talking about Emalyn and her condition will only bring up memories that Ediltrude prefers to keep buried under lots of makeup and a glass of whiskey in her hand that’s stuck there as often as the fake smile is on her face. But Zara is there for her, as tired and restless as she’s always been, but she listens when the burden threatens to shatter Griffin to pieces and she hugs her, the two of them soaking up the silent comfort they can exchange while Ediltrude’s laughter is heard somewhere in the distance, her fear of the silence echoing loudly in it but neither of them minds because they understand and besides, Ediltrude is their only reason to laugh truly nowadays. So they let her have her pretense when they now she hasn’t lost herself under the layers and layers of fakeness. Hollywood’s a place for escape fantasies anyway and they all went there willingly.

4. Griffin watches the twins fighting over the last pizza slice like they always do on a Saturday night when they manage to get home before midnight. Finally, they both concede and leave the piece to her and she takes it even if she’s not hungry anymore. She can’t remember when was the last time she had appetite just like she can’t remember when was the last time she felt the desire to get out of bed and didn’t have to force herself to do so and get ready for yet another day of her life that she’ll hate. It makes it hard not to hate the entirety of her life or at least the emptiness that is left in the place of what once made her bubbling with curiosity to explore what a new morning could bring her. She used to wake up way before dawn, impatient to get everything the world could offer. She still wakes up at dark but it’s because the alarm clock won’t leave her to sleep in no matter how much she’ll curse it in her mind or out loud, or even if she’ll break it by hurling it at the wall across from her. There’ll be another ring from an assistant when she’s late and then from a director when they threaten to fire her and she needs to get herself out of bed in some way, the picture of her mother on her nightstand the only thing helping her do it and not choose to lay under the blankets until she rots away while the picture of herself that appears on TV caught by some paparazzi makes her want to throw up what little of the breakfast Zara got for them she’s managed to choke down that morning. Yes, she hates mornings now. But she still stays up at night. She’ll be tired anyway but the magic of Hollywood is right there to help hide the fact that she’s half dead and she’ll make it through another day of being the ghost of a fictional character that has more life in her than her real life persona. So she takes her time at night and goes out on the roof of that big empty mansion she has that she can’t hope to ever fill when she’s so hollow herself but at least she gets a nice view of the stars. They keep shining even when she can no longer do that and she settles for housing the little happiness she can get from the sight of them before she heads back inside to get at least a little sleep so that she can scratch another day off her calendar and not make it stretch into an eternity that threatens to swallow her. Even Zara’s fallen asleep by the time she comes back in but their schedule is capable of causing even that despite Zara having a record in pulling consecutive all-nighters back when they were students with only coffee and food to get her through them. And Griffin knows it is time to go to bed and let the tiredness set in when it becomes clear even sleep can’t chase it away.

5. She can’t tell if the days when she gets to sleep longer are better or worse. She hates the idea of getting her “beauty sleep” when she has to look good for a premiere and she hates the fact that even more sleep can’t make her feel at least a bit better but at least she doesn’t have to deal with the world quite so early. That’s something. She supposes. And she gets to spend the rest of the day with Ediltrude and Zarathustra. Getting ready for the big event in question, of course. As if that isn’t a redundant phrasing when there are no small events in her life anymore, nothing to remind her she’s a person, just her job and the lack of personality she’s developed to keep her career floating when no one wants a beautiful woman with opinions and strength of character. Luckily, she doesn’t have any of that anymore. Just a few remains of the spirit that she once had tucked away where no one can reach them, not even she herself. But they come out sometimes, most unexpectedly, to brighten her night when she can’t see the stars from all the spotlights and there are flashlights blinding her as they capture the lack of light in her once bright golden eyes. Even when her sight has been hurt by someone’s selfishness as they thought they had the right to take a photo of her just because she was put on display like she’d never wanted to be, her heart can keep beating, even accelerate to keep up with the excited screams that come from the crowd, and specifically from the young girls that follow the social media accounts she never wanted. And it makes her grateful for that of all things because she can see they’re real. The excitement in their eyes, and the loud screeching as she does her best to give them a genuine smile. They’re buying the hoax she’s made to sell but at the same time they’re not. Not with how unapologetically authentic they are in their joy even if it is over the glamorous cover of the hellhole she’s stuck in. It’s still something genuine and she can only hope they won’t let their spirit die crushed by the frightening empire running on falsity that Hollywood is. She can only hope they’ll be her stars that refuse to flicker out and die no matter how much darkness their light draws to them. She can only hope that they’ll keep her own hope alive when she’s not strong enough to do that any longer.