#And now I'm like constantly fucking writing. Always coming up with scenarios and the words to describe them spring forth easier than ever

[d4nde1ion]

Feelin (very negative) things about AI, but also very grateful for what I learned about creativity and myself through stopping using it

[love-byers]

the van scene is going to pay off. THE VAN SCENE IS GOING TO PAY OFF. the VAN SCENE. (where will basically stabs himself in the heart and accepts that he's going to be desperately and unrequitedly in love with mike for the rest of his life) is going to PAY OFF.

DO YOU GUYS REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?? ROMANTIC TROPES LIKE THIS CAN ONLY GO ONE WAY

okay okay for example, in young royals (spoilers ahead) season 1 ends with simon and wilhelm at odds because wilhelm denied their relationship to the public despite telling simon he would tell the truth. simon decides he can't be wilhelm's secret and basically breaks up with him.

then, in s2, wilhelm is constantly trying to weasel his way back into being with simon because he desperately misses him, but simon sticks to his word and doesn't cave in. simon gets a new boyfriend and wilhelm fucking SPIRALS and briefly becomes borderline psychotic, but then one night at a dance/party/ball where he properly meets simon's boyfriend, he gives up and accepts that simon is moving on, like simon has been asking him to do all season. he tells simon that he's sorry for bothering him and that he'll leave him alone from now on and his boyfriend seems nice. he does the thing that deeply hurts himself, but he believes will make simon happy. he chooses simon's happiness over his own. he does the right thing. he does the selfless thing.

and guess what happens next? simon follows wilhelm outside and kisses him and they make out in a garden. wilhelm got what he wanted, but only after putting simon's happiness before his own.

and this same thing happens at the end of the season. in s2 simon goes on a journey of learning to understand why wilhelm wants their relationship to be a secret, because at first in s1 he doesn't at all and it makes him very angry. but by the end of s2 he finally understands. he tells wilhelm that he wants to be with him and if that means they have to be a secret, then so be it. simon makes a sacrifice. he lets go of his integrity towards himself and decides to be wilhelm's secret, even though that's not the ideal scenario. he knows it's what wilhelm wants, and if that's the only way it'll work, then so be it.

and guess what happens next? wilhelm goes up in front of the whole country and admits that he is in a relationship with simon and that he won't be hiding any longer. simon got what he wanted all along, but only after putting their love before his own self-integrity.

are you getting what i'm saying?

in writing, sacrifice and making the difficult decision rewards characters with getting what they want. that's what makes it so satisfying, that's what makes it PAY OFF. that's what "pay off" means. hard work pays off. hard, uncomfortable, painful, sorrowful work pays off because something good comes from it. something so good that it makes all the pain worth it, because the pain is what directly lead to it. simon and wilhelm didn't get the happiness they wanted until they sacrificed something they wanted for the overall good or the good of someone else. they didn't get what they wanted until they were selfless.

literally the only way a scene like the van scene can pay off is with will getting what he wanted all along. there is literally no other way i can see this going. it's just unheard of for a plot point like this to end in any other way than in will's favor. will giving the painting to mike is symbolic of him letting go and accepting that he will always love mike and will never be loved back. the painting itself is symbolic of will's feelings. it's wills feelings in a physical form, because after the van scene will does not plan on ever bringing it up again. that's why the painting has to exist, so that will's feelings can come to light in s5, because will is not gonna be the one to bring it up. he thinks it's game over. mike gently confirming to will that it is indeed game over but being an ally to him is not a reward, that's the bare minimum. like i can't stress to you enough how an arc conclusion like that is the exact thing writers are taught not to do, the exact thing we are warned against in school. the exact thing that gets a bad response in a workshop. you just don't do it you don't, especially not with a character as tortured and marginalized as will byers

anyways my point is, the thing will used to accept that mike will never love him and push mike and el together (the painting) is going to be the very thing that pulls mike right back in. this painful and selfless thing that will did is actually going to bring him the biggest reward, the thing he's always wanted. that's just how writing works bro

edit: and i wanted to add one more in here real quick bc ive seen people say "oh so only happy endings make sense??" when bylers say will deserves a happy ending

no, that's not the case at all. "pay off" does not equate to "happy ending" payoff can mean all kinds of things. if a character repeatedly makes bad decisions and it lands them in the shitter, that's pay off. that's good writing. unless you're writing a story just created to make people sad and leave people unsatisfied as some sort of statement, there is absolutely no reason for that.

and another good example of pay off that isn't necessarily happy: the hunger games (spoilers ahead). the hunger games is a story about oppression and corruption and abusive government. it's a commentary on control and abuse of power and how it hurts people. the whole thing is kick started by katniss volunteering for the games in place of her sister, it's kick started by katniss trying to keep her sister alive. so prim (her sister) ultimately dying in the last book can be considered payoff. and though this isn't happy, it works because of the overall theme of the books. it's about abuse, tragedy, trauma, etc etc. and it goes even deeper when you consider the fact that prim was killed by a bomb made by "the good side", because mockingjay (the last book) delved into showing the beginnings of yet another abusive controlling government and how more war and killing only leads to more suffering for EVERYONE. prim dying is UNFAIR. and that's the point. that's why the whole thing, ALL the corruption, even on the "good side" must come down because it only leads to tragedy and unfairness. though this is quite depressing, it is "pay off". it's good writing

okay hunger games ted talk over

[elllisaaa]

eli i’m having dirty bookworm thoughts again… they can at least break me from my reading slump not only make me more addicted to sunghoon 🤨 DOES SUNGHOON EVEN READ why am i coming up with these kind of ideas 😭

i’m thinking 💭 you’re writing a romance novel with a few sex scenes sprinkled in there and when sunghoon finds out about them after you give him to read your first draft he gets jealous?? you’ve spend so much time thinking about these things what if you were horny and you touched yourself after writing them out? and you didn’t tell him a thing?? he decides to do every single intimate scene from your book to you tonight but TIMES better 🙃

sunghoon is really going to be your bias sweetie i think, you're constantly losing your mind over him (but don't ever stop, i love it). it's so funny to me how we're always associating him with books lmaoo but i'm here for it and i love to write it everytime. 

SUNGHOON has always been very supportive of you and every project you started. so when you announced that you had been writing some novels and wanted to get serious with that, he couldn't have been more proud of you. 

he was so attentive to your every need whenever you started another writing session. he brings you tea or coffee when you're thirsty and cooks for you when he knows you've spent the whole day working on your novels and didn't eat. but sunghoon was always there to take care of you and help you out of your writing blocks by giving you idea, or reading your texts to help you improve. 

so when you told him that you wanted to start writing a romance novel, he was all in helping you even if he teased you a little bit by reminding you not to describe him too much as the perfect boyfriend. but apart from that, he doesn't try to interfere in the creative process too much, not asking about the plot if you don't mention it to him. but sunghoon is always there to help you whenever you need it.

it's not until you give him the first draft of your novel to read that he notices the few sex scenes that you also wrote. and listen, sunghoon is not easily getting jealous, he trusts you with his life, so how did words on paper were getting angry ? because he was. he could only imagine you thinking about all the dirty scenarios you wrote, all alone while he could have been there and make them come true. he couldn't help but wonder if you touched yourself while writing all this. 

sunghoon didn't even reach the end of the novel before picking you up and carrying you to the bedroom. you don't even understand what's happening until your boyfriend starts to undress himself. 

"you're such a naughty girl princess, writing all these things when you could've just told me that you wanted to get your ass spanked."

your cheeks were burning as you tried to defend yourself. yes, the sex scenes of your novel were self-indulgent, including all the fantasies you couldn't voice to sunghoon. but you didn't think that he would pick up on that. though he clearly did as he caged you in with his arms, lips inches away from yours.

"gonna make all these things you wrote real hm ?"

and he would so do that : manhandling you in all the positions you described, slapping your ass, fucking you rough until you cried and letting you sit on his face. eveyrthing you wrote, he did it ten times better, resulting in you orgasming too much time to count and your body dripping with sunghoon's cum.

"now you will tell me everything you want baby, right ?"

when you nodded mindlessly, too fucked out to focus on anything else than his beautiful face and his cocky smirk.

"good girl. you know i'm the only on to make you feel like that"

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

I noticed that your older fics tend to lean towards dom eddie/ sub buck while the more recent ones are switch buddie (which I love) so I was wondering if something in the show made you see/interpretate the characters differently or if your own writing preferences changed or if I'm reading way too much into everything

You're not reading too much into it and I'm honestly pleased and flattered that you paid enough attention to my writing to notice!

Yes, as the show has gone on, and we've learned more about the characters, I've come to the conclusion that Buddie would be more switches. I think it's natural that as you learn more about the characters that you shift how you write them - in my earliest fics for example I had the headcanon that Eddie would have had some (young inexperienced and fumbling) experiences with men, and that he'd be more into casual sex. Now I headcanon based on his behavior that he's more demisexual and wouldn't have really any sexual experience besides Shannon because of that need for emotional connection. I originally thought Buck would realize his feelings first, but given how season five went and then Eddie's reactions to Buck in season six I'm now of the opinion that Eddie realized his feelings a while ago and has been ignoring them while Buck, bless him, is fucking oblivious.

Anyway those are just two examples of how as a show goes on and you learn more about a character you shift your headcanons and perceptions about them. So yes! I've shifted in my views of how the boys would be in bed.

I do think that Buck would overall be more submissive and when he's domming, do so more as a service dom - Buck likes to know he's doing a good job and being there for the people he loves, and so domming for him would be about knowing he's giving Eddie what he needs, rather than enjoying being in control.

For Eddie, someone who has constantly in his life scrambled for control and had it yanked from him, I think he'd still overall prefer to be in charge, at least at first, and I think that'd only be submissive to someone he really deeply trusts. However given everything in season five I think he'd also find being submissive to be incredibly freeing if it's with someone he can trust to love him and hold him (metaphorically), and Buck is that person. Eddie is very much a caretaker and likes to feel he's trusted (lack of trust in his abilities is a huge issue in his relationship with his parents for example) so I think he'd really like domming Buck and seeing how much Buck trusts him to take care of him. It was really season five for me that gave me the shift in feeling Eddie would be submissive at times, given his whole arc with his trauma. I think given how important it was in his arc for Eddie to admit he loses control sometimes and needs help, submitting would be important for him as well. He'd just be pickier about it.

In other words - I think Buck's instinct in bed is submit, but he ultimately shifts to reflect what his partner wants/needs (and headcanon it's probably led to him being sexually unfulfilled before - how many times has someone wanted him to just pick them up and rail them and play that Big Strong Guy when that's not who Buck is?) and would also find fulfillment in giving Eddie what he needs because he likes doing that for his loved ones. And I think Eddie's instinct is to dom, for multiple reasons, but that submitting to someone he loves and trusts would also by very fulfilling and enjoyable.

Ergo, they switch! LOL

I think also in most sexual relationships when you're not explicitly sceneing (i.e. planning a scenario out with set roles) there's a certain fluidity to the roles of who's submitting and who's dominating. So there's that as well, it's not always gonna be clear cut who's in what role and it's going to move back and forth. Y'know?

Anyway that was an extremely long-winded answer ha ha but I'm delighted you noticed that shift! One's art is continuously evolving and when one is writing for the same characters over the years (four and counting for Buddie in my case) while continuously getting more information about them and seeing them in new situations and so on as we get with each new season/episode, there's definite shifts in one's portrayal of those characters. I'm flattered that anyone would pay attention enough to pick up on the ways in which mine's evolved.

[angelic-corrosion]

I'm slowly realising that unrestricted internet access as a child (Talking about primary school age) has actually forever fucked up my thoughts and basically everything so fun (/j). Gonna write under the read more cause its kinda oversharing and also very much trauma dumping, but also cw for hypersexuality and jusr stuff with sex/sexual induendos, oh and also a BDSM mention (Its insane I know) (also lmk if it needs more cws)

To quickly not I should say that when it comes to hypersexuality and stuff I tend to have 'Episodes' I guess is the closest thing to it. Sometimes it can lasts for months and it fucking sucks. The thoughts in general are mainly all the time, the severity changes depending on the thought so yeah, so fun! (/sarc) Anyways, Having unrestricted internet acsess definately fucked me up a little, I don't remember much (and trying to remember hurts my head), But all the context you kinda need is that I was gacha kid. I can't remember the cause, But I can vaguely remember just searing words like sex on youtube as a chid; which honestly is wild thinking back now, but what can you expect from someone who also taught themself to masturbate at that age. Maybe it was because it felt 'adult' and I kinda had to grow up quick despite being young. Or maybe it was just a fucked up way of just processing trauma that I had experienced. But it's bascially has just followed me. Good thing was that I didn't do it in a while util I was an early teen I think. I suck at remembering ages but yeah. This time it was wayyy worse, I would have thoughts during the day of a sexual nature (even through school) and it was just getting way worse. But it was ups and downs, there were timeframes where it would be so intense for a long time and times where it was just a day and I would be fine the next day. It was so confusing what was happening and I was always just disgusted with everything I would think and do. I guess looking at more 'mature' youtubers didn't help either but you know, can't change the past. Now this is where my ex (Qpr) comes in. He himself was also hypersexual (I never told him about myself, this is really the first time I'm telling people). There were times where it was bad on his end. I remember going round his and we were on his bed and he was just constantly pulling me onto his lap. I kept on getting off (cause obviously I didn't want to fucking be there, I just wanted to hang out) and he continued doing it. He also just moved me around alot. Adding onto this and all of the sexual innuendos on his end in dms and even sometimes irl, it was just shit really. But the nail in the coffin was him making me do a BDSM and kink quiz. Now I don't kink shame, my thoughts sometimes have some of those things so yeah. But that was just not a good experience. Especially when I was just sending innocent stuff, well I played into it once with an ABO quiz but its not that bad imo. But yeah I don't think you should be getting a 15yr old to do a BDSM quiz and then explain what all of the terms meant at the end, but idk maybe thats natural. I'm glad I don't talk to him anymore, but he did fuck up my life and sent me spiralling in many ways. I'm also not gonna call the stuff he did to me as like SA or anything cause it's not that, its just a horny kid, being horny with another kid I guess. But it just doesn't feel right to call it that. And that was just a year ago. My thoughts make me shameful and disgusted nearly all of time. The more severe ones make me feel the worst; it's like why would you even think about that? What would make you enjoy that scenario??? And it just sucks. I don't even know why I'm writing this anymore, I think I just needed an outlet from holding this all in for so fucking long.

[9thbutterfly]

So.

(It's long. I'm sorry. But I really want your thoughts.)

If you'd asked me a year and a half ago how the rest of my life would go, I would have told you: (barring any personal or economic catastrophes)keep running my plant nursery, eventually buy it off the guy I was renting it from, raise plants and apprentices and my own child in those greenhouses, be an integral part of the village as a supplier of plants and jobs...

(I mean. I was constantly at the brink of burnout, so I don't know if it would have been possible. But I loved it. It was very much a vocation, not just a job.)

And then all of that was yanked away as the guy I was renting from (who was also my former boss, and - I thought - friend) decided to not extend my contract and give the business to his daughter instead - who had never worked there, or in another plant nursery.

Anyway.

I ran through many scenarios for my future then, from buying land and starting up my own business, to just giving the fuck up and working at the nearest grocery store. Eventually I settled for a middle ground and got a job at a nearby privately owned garden centre.

And it was okay, I got along great with most colleagues, the hours and the pay were fine, but it still left me unsatisfied.

Gonna copy something I wrote Elsewhere On The Internet because I can't be arsed to write it again.

When I was still employed at my previous workplace, I didn't actually think about this. But I was an essential part of a small team, doing an important part to keep the business running and the village supplied with plants.

Then, obviously, I was running the nursery myself, and needed to make enough money to live on and to pay my rent so that Former Boss and his wife could live on that, too.

But more than that, I was providing jobs to several other people and thus the money for their lives, too (and some of them might have had a difficult time finding a different job), and an education for my apprentice, both of which felt far more meaningful than just making money.

And I don't have any of that now, I'm just one of many, and if I was gone tomorrow, I don't think they would struggle.

And partly it's also the customers and the things we sell. At my previous workplace, selling vegetable plants was selling future food, and flowers as a part of a well-maintained household, if that makes sense. At my current place, it feels more like selling plants as a lifestyle product, for lack of a better word. Flowers that look good right now, but not necessarily in two weeks, a tomato plant or two because that's the thing you do these days, but not twenty to can a year's supply of tomato sauce...

I don't know. It just feels pointless, like if the whole business disappeared, barely anyone's life would be affected in a major way.

That alone wouldn't make me look for something else. But a few weeks ago I finally managed to corner my boss (who is mostly at the other location, so I don't see him much) and ask about winter. I always knew I would be unemployed for a while (I did the same with my employees, because there just isn't much to do in the winter.)

What I didn't expect was FOUR MONTHS. What I didn't expect was that unemployment money has gone down so much that I now get less than ten-ish years ago before getting my master education with accompanying pay rise. So it doesn't come even close to covering my expenses.

(Also he kept hiring more people, so I sometimes couldn't even work my scheduled hours because there simply WAS no work, let alone build up overtime that I could use up to stay employed a bit longer.) I would get a confirmation that he intends to re-hire me, so the unemployment agency should leave me alone, and not force me to look for jobs)

So.

Do I

(and this is where I am looking for your thoughts)

- live off my savings for four months and give myself time to further recover from my borderline burnout? (I have noticed that I feel significantly better than at the beginning of the year, and I was looking forward to having time off and getting to all the projects I never have time for. Especially stuff that would hopefully improve my life in the long run.)

- find something with very few hours so I can collect unemployment in addition to it (technically possible, but I would need a note from my employer that they do not need me for more hours. Also, most of those jobs are only Saturdays, and do I really want to work every Saturday from now until end of February? On the other hand, I would still get some free time, I would have enough money, and I would feel less guilty about quitting that job to go back to my current one.)

- look for something seasonal in retail until Christmas? (Would still give me January and February off, but then I still would have too little money for those months, and I would rather have time off before Christmas rather than after.)

- look for something else in horticulture (still no work in winter, probably, and a longer drive)

- say fuck it and look for something else entirely (what can I even do? Retail, I guess. Childcare seems kind of interesting but pay is abysmal, so it's not really an option. If I end up hating it I can always go back to my current job in spring. And if it's just okay, well... I have "just okay" now. I mean, yeah, I love working with plants, but most of what I do is just unloading carts that come from the production facility, and being on the register. I could do that while not suffering in the heat and the cold and the rain. On the other hand, I would not see the sun very much... On the other other hand, with my finger that hurts like a bitch in the cold, working outside is becoming increasingly difficult.

If I start another job soon, and stay there, I would have built up more vacation time when summer rolls around, and we have a Situation that might require it (basically our kid probably won't have a spot at daycare between late May and September). And I could take time off in spring! I could have time to actually sell stuff at plant markets! And we have other reasons to want more stability, which I don't want to get into here. Stability that I thought I would have at my current job, but obviously don't have.

But it also feels like giving up, after all the time I have put into becoming good at horticulture. (And money, too, for the master classes.)

I don't know. Writing it down like this, the last one looks like the best option. But I still feel so conflicted.

Kind of want to talk to you guys about my job situation, kind of have no energy to write about it...

[noirvette]

main 3 + butters! seeing reader in lingerie for the first time!!

first time doing headcanons and a scenario 😋 also i apologize in advance if this is bad, i've written nsfw only ONCE before and hated it so much that i never finished it BAHAHA

cws: nsfw, but nothing too explicit Aged up characters! (College au, early 20s)

♡ STAN MARSH

Thinks he died and went to heaven for a second in all honesty. Like he could not believe you standing in front of him wearing lingerie.

He saw you with it on and had to process what he was seeing, definitely stuttering as he finds the words to say

He's rocking with it though, 100%. Has always had a small thing for lingerie but didn't exactly know how to bring it up so he just never said anything lol

Stan seems to me as a more of a red satin kind of guy, simple sets work for him

Doesn't want to tear it or anything, when taking it off of you he's rather careful, more so into savoring the moment of seeing you in lingerie (and eventually you out of it).

Whether its false bravado or not, he gets over his initial shock rather quickly

"You okay? Babe?" Stan calls out, sitting on the side of your bed tapping his fingers against the frame.

"Yeah sorry, coming out now," You respond, walking out of the bathroom, covered in a simple red satin lingerie set, "you like?"

"Holy shi-, wow you look good. Damn." Stan stutters out, taking you and your outfit in, "you, uh, you didn't have to do this you know. I'm- I'm, not saying you look bad, holy shit you look so good-"

"I know I didn't have to," You giggle, a blush covering your face, walking closer to him before sitting on his lap, "but I wanted this to be special, you know for our first time. I wanted to look good for you."

Stan licks his lips, reaching to kiss and bite at your neck as his hands grip your sides before they slowly make a descent down to your hips. "Well, you always look good, doesn't matter what you got on." His fingers tug at the waistband of the underwear, "but fuck, this is so hot."

♡ KYLE BROFLOVSKI

Doesn't know what to do and he doesn't know what to say either

Definitely whines/quietly whimpers at seeing you in lingerie though

He'd be a fan of dark green lace or floral sets

Another one to be careful with taking it off of you, but its because he's so nervous

Finds the concept of lingerie initially dorky until he sees you in it and now he understands the appeal.

He is so cute bro, he has the biggest blush covering his face and he stutters and he can't make eye contact (kicking my feet and giggling as I write this about him rn), definitely repeats words and phrases as his brain is trying to think of what to say next

Kyle covers his mouth, embarrassed at the whimper that leaves him as you lift up your shirt, revealing the dark green lingerie underneath. You feel him getting even harder underneath you and you slowly roll your hips against his. Kyle quickly grabs onto your hips hard and shakily moans, hands gripping you firmly.

"Baby, baby, baby.." Kyle whines out as he stares at how well the dark green compliments your body. "Mhmm," you hum, "what is it?"

"You look so good, so good.." He looks so dazed as his eyes constantly dart over your body. Kyle is absolutely smitten with the way the lingerie sits on you.

"You like it huh?" You whisper as your bring your hand to his face, cupping his cheek. He nervously swallows and turns his head to press a kiss into your hand, before gently biting a finger while looking up at you.

Turning his head back to face you, he whimpers out a "god yes," as his hips buck up up into you, drawing a small moan out of you, "so so much."

♡ KENNY MCCORMICK

There is one singular phrase going through his head when he sees what you got on and it's "fuck me"

He's so unbelievably hard in like 2 seconds that it's alarming

He's a fan of sheer brighter colors and garters, but really any lingerie set looks good and he's really fine with anything you're putting on.

He'll rip the fabric off of you, he doesn't really care if you make a noise of complaint, he's too invested in getting him in you and making you feel good.

He'll make it up to you later by managing to get you another set later. (That he rips off you anyhow, it's a never ending cycle)

Would love to receive pictures of you in various lingerie sets. So after this whole thing of surprising him by wearing it for the first time, he'll want pictures of you from now on.

"Fuck y/n," Kenny groans, bucking himself against you, "you look so pretty. My pretty baby." His hands wander over your body, feeling the thin material and your skin causing him to become impatient.

Kenny leans forward to suck at your neck, causing you to let out small moans. "I need, need, this off of you. Now." Before you're able to say anything, he tugs at the top half a bit too roughly, ripping the thin material into halves.

"Kenny!" You exclaim, shock and annoyance evident in your tone.

Kenny stops briefly and he lets out a small laugh before kissing you, "I'm sorry hun, can't wait. Need you now. Gotta make you feel good."

You huff, "This was a bit pricey, Ken. How are you gonna make this one up?"

He snorts, before flipping you over and situating you so his face is pressed between your thighs, "Oh I'll make it up to you baby, and then some, promise."

♡ BUTTERS STOTCH

Another blushy and nervous wreck to see you in lingerie.

I feel he'd LOVE white sets, design doesn't matter, but there's something about wearing white in his eyes that just.. gets him going yk?

He definitely has a battle with himself on where to place his hands. Do you want them on your waist, hips, do you want to hold hands? What if he rips the fabric?

Stutters out compliments. Compliments you the whole time actually, his eyes nervously watch your every movement

He loves if you brush your body still clad with the lingerie against his bare skin. The feeling of technical skin contact but thin material between you two has got him in a chokehold for some reason

Calls you his angel because of the white lingerie and how beautiful/ethereal you look to him right now

Butters believes this is how he dies, underneath you, clad in a sheer white lingerie set. You slowly drag your fingers against his skin and he finds himself without a single complaint as to how he would be dying. He finds himself without many thoughts actually and the ones he does have are just about you.

"Oh god angel," Butters shudders, his brain turning into mush at the feeling of your body against his. His hands hovering just above your thighs, as he nervously thumbs at the material draped over them.

You giggle at his behavior, "you can touch me, you know?"

"O-oh, I know honey, but, you.. you just look so gosh darn gorgeous and..." he trails off, adams apple bobbing as your drag your hands along his waist. "..and what, Butters..?" You whisper against his ear.

His hands grip your thighs and bites his lip. "I want you.. please honey, my angel." He shifts underneath you, hoping you catch the hint and quit teasing him.

[fattuccini-afraido]

How would arguments go with them; Tsukishima version

Angst, hurt-comfort. I cried while writing the scenario.

I will make a series.

Honestly? I don't think you'd fight that much.

But when you do

It's hard, to say the least.

First of all, he's really smart.

So even if he was wrong, his arguments would be so convincing.

Second, one of his toxic, red flag traits is that he'd accidentally gaslight you.

He wouldn't notice unless you called him out on it.

(You'd fight about that, obviously, but he'd still look into it)

Unless you have your guard up, you will end up apologizing to him even when you're right.

Arguments with him would be so painful, too.

He'd take every hurtful thing you say to heart.

He'll attack your insecurities and complexes.

Not on purpose.

He just stopped measuring his words at some point.

So, because of these reasons, he'd have to apologize to you after every fight.

It doesn't matter who was right and who was wrong, his words hurt.

We all know he's canonically bad at apologizing.

He'd take a long-ass time.

And at the beginning, he'd just mutter a "sorry"

But the longer you are in a relationship, the better he gets at it.

He still sucks at face-to-face apologies.

But this is the best thing about the way he says sorry.

He doesn't.

He lyric pranks you but truly means it.

Like, if you don't want to see him, he'd look for the perfect song(s) and spam you with the lyrics until you text him back

He doesn't even know lyric pranks are a thing.

He feels it's more personal.

Carefully choosing a song that was perfect for the occasion, and carefully typing every sentence for the person he loved the most.

Also, apologies on person are embarrassing for him, and he's scared he'll say something bad instead of what he really wanted to say.

"I'm sorry, okay!? I didn't know!" you yelled.

"God, can't you just leave me alone for two seconds?! Why do you have to be so fucking clingy all the fucking time?!"

Tears welling in your eyes, you tore your eyes from his figure, locking them on the ground. It was your fault from the beginning, you knew that, but you had always been worried about whether he was tired of you.

"It's just-"

"It's always something, isn't it?!" He wasn't even looking at you, failing to notice the tears slithering down your cheeks. You raised your voice.

"YES, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING. I DON'T MEAN TO ANNOY YOU. I'M FUCKING SORRY, BUT YOU COULD'VE JUST SAID IT FROM THE BEGINNING INSTEAD OF LETTING ME INTO YOUR LIFE AND THEN JUST TRY TO KEEP ME OUT OF IT"

It was only then when Tsukishima lowered his amber eyes to look down into yours, finally noticing the heartbroken look you were giving him. It must have been difficult. All of this time, he hadn't realized how hard he had been trying to keep you out of his life. Even after how hard you tried to be with him, comforting him, he was still trying to keep you away from him. Scared of losing you, he pushed you away.

Yet he stayed silent as you looked at him, waiting for something, any word to fall from his lips. You scoffed, and walked toward the door, slamming it behind you.

Of course, he regretted everything, but he still waited for you to come back. Even after days had passed. He had pulled out his phone multiple times but had been unable to form any words. He didn't know what to say, he knew calling you clingy was wrong. He knew it was something that you constantly struggled with. This was bad. He felt like he could lose you over it.

Pulling out his phone, he texted.

"Hey"

The "read" mark showed that you had been waiting for it, but lack of response made Tsukishima's heart ache like it never had before.

"Don't go tonight"

Seen.

"Stay here one more time"

Seen.

"Remind me what it's like"

Unread.

"Let's fall in love, one more time"

Unread.

"Need you now, by my side"

"It tears me up when you turn me down"

Unread.

"I'm begging"

"Please, just stick around"

"I'm sorry"

"Don't leave me"

"I need you here with me"

"I know that your love of gone"

Read. His heart sped up.

"I can't breathe"

"I'm so weak, I know this isn't easy"

"Don't tell me that your love is gone, that your love is gone"

Read.

Typing.

"It isn't" you said.

He smiled and continued.

"I'm sorry, don't leave me, I want you here with me"

"I know that your love is gone"

You continued singing with him.

That was when he knew. You had forgiven him. He'd still take you out somewhere and apologize formally to you, he thought. He was right.

[lizbotw]

Hiii! Can you write a headcanon or scenario (whichever you're more comfortable with) of how Katsuki, Hawks and Todoroki would comfort their s/o, who is terrified of loud noises, during a thunderstorm. I'm not sure of how many characters you do per request, but if you only do 1 can you choose Katsuki 😅 Thank you~

Bakugou, Hawks, and Todoroki Comforting Their S/O During a Thunderstorm

first request!!! i hope you like it ♡ i did bullet points because i intended to do headcanons to start off simple, but they’re sort of scenario-ish? i think i might turn these into full blown scenarios one day so look out for that ;)

Bakugou Katsuki

It’s the first time you’re staying over at his place and there’s a storm raging outside. What had originally began as a light patter of rain had now turned into a downpour, and things seemed to be taking a turn for the worst as you caught sight of a lightning flash outside. You were bracing yourself for the loud thunder that usually accompanied it.

Somehow you had convinced Katsuki to make a blanket fort with you, taunting him that he probably sucked at it, and of course he had taken the challenge, so now you had an awesome blanket fort to cozy up in.

While you’re getting all comfortable among the blankets and pillows, thinking about what movie the two of should watch, Katsuki was in the kitchen getting snacks.

A sudden crack of thunder caused you to yelp and burrow down into the blankets, and he peeked his head out of the kitchen to see why you had made that noise.

“(Y/N)? What’s wrong? Don’t tell me you knocked down the fort again, I fucking swear to God.” Oops, yeah, you had knocked it down a few times before, but of course he always rebuilt it for you. ♡♡♡

But when you didn’t immediately reply this time, he grew pretty concerned. He pretended to be annoyed that he had to leave the kitchen to come check on you, but secretly he was also really worried, especially once he heard your quiet whimpers the closer he got to the fort.

Cautiously, Katsuki moved one of the blankets that was in his way since it was functioning as the “entrance” to the fort (half expecting you to jump out and surprise him—he had learned after the first time you could not be trusted to not try to prank him), and looked inside, confused by the shaking pile of blankets that had small sobs coming from it.

Eventually he would manage to coax you out enough to tell him what was wrong and once you told him, he would try to play it off as a little silly (after all, he’s used to loud noises from the explosions he’s constantly making so it doesn’t seem as big a deal to him), but you could tell he didn’t really mean it—he just didn’t want to give in so easily to your demands for cuddles.

Just use your puppy eyes on him and his arms will be wrapped around you within seconds, although he’ll be grumbling about how stupid this is and how he can’t believe you made him abandon getting the snacks just for this (all while still pulling you closer to him because he likes your warmth of course).

Somehow he’ll force you let go of him enough that he can finish getting the snacks (he struggled very hard to pull your arms off, but of course this man is stubborn and wants his snacks so you have to agree to this one thing for now), and tells you just to wait for him and stop being so pouty because he’s coming back in literally five minutes (of course the pout is cute to him but like... he can’t let you know that).

When he comes back, you instantly tackle him back into a hug, and you guys stay that way for the rest of the night. He lets you choose the movie, even if it’s some romantic thing he couldn’t care less about, and makes sure it’s something that’ll cheer you up (so probably no horror because as much as he likes when you get scared during them and cling to him, you’re already doing that right now so no need to scare you more).

He’ll pile up more blankets because they’ll muffle the sound of thunder (he says he’s just improving his fort and it’s totally not for your benefit or anything) and turn up the volume for the movie to drown out most of the noise.

He’ll let you bury you face in his chest if you want and playfully cover your ears sometimes to tease you and ask if that helps.

Thunderstorms with Katsuki would involve him allowing lots of physical contact (way more than usual) if that’s what comforts you, him trying to distract you because he’s not too good with offering soothing words so he hopes his actions help, and him grumbling a lot about the whole thing, although you’re used to his attitude since you love him so much, so it’s actually pretty endearing because you can tell he’s really trying.

Plus of course you feel really safe in his arms, especially when he says that if the thunder was a person he’d totally beat their ass for you.

Takami Keigo (Hawks)

“Hey, um, sorry to bother you, but could you come over?” You had called your boyfriend while you were buried under the sheets in your bed, too scared to move and trembling as you waited for the next spine-chilling crack of thunder to erupt.

“Didn’t know you missed me that much, babe.~” You could practically hear Keigo suggestively wiggling his eyebrows over the phone as he purred that.

“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” you replied exasperatedly, used to his flirting, but unable to keep a playful smile from tugging at your lips, “you know-” You didn’t get to finish your sentence before the sound of thunder filled your ears and you yelped, shrieking into the phone and dropping it out of surprise.

You could hear Keigo’s muffled voice asking if you were okay and you used that to help you find your phone, fumbling around in the sheets where it had gotten lost.

You eventually found it and pressed it back to your ear, wanting to hear his reassuring voice to calm yourself down.

After explaining what had happened, a slight tremor still in your voice, Keigo would immediately agree to come over.

You felt bad about making him go out in the rain just for your benefit but he assured you it was fine because it wasn’t that far, plus it was a “hero’s job” as he put it.

Keigo suggested you stay on the phone with him so he could talk to you to try and help until he got there.

You waited anxiously for him, but it helped a little bit to focus on talking to him on the phone.

When he arrived, he let himself in, since you had given each other keys to your houses so both of you could stop by whenever one of you wanted, and found a shivering pile of blankets on your bed. When he called out for you and you peeked your head over your blanket, he couldn’t help but smile because you looked so cute like that.

Since you guys stay the night with each sometimes, you also had overnight clothes and other things at each other’s place, so he grabbed a pair of comfy pajamas he had left in your room and quickly changed into them so he didn’t get your bed dirty with the clothes he had just been outside with, and climbed into bed next to you, immediately engulfing you in his arms despite your protests.

Cue snuggle fest. ♡

Expect to spend the rest of the night under the covers with him and him refusing to let you go because he wants to protect you. He’ll talk to you throughout the night about any random thing you want, making lighthearted jokes here and there, and pull you closer when he hears the thunder before you can even ask him to, peppering your face with kisses constantly.

Keigo would be down to come over whenever you wanted him to and if the weather forecast that day predicted thunderstorms, expect him to show up at your door ready to spend the night, or even come home to him already on your couch, having let himself in yet again.

We all know how much he loves to have free time from his hero duties so you don’t have to worry about him being too busy to come over, and in fact you’ll probably have to convince him you’ll be fine and that the light rain the news predicted wouldn’t scare you too much (he doesn’t care and will insist he wants to spend time with his baby no matter what though ♡).

Todoroki Shouto

You and Shouto had planned to hang out together today and you invited him over to spend the night. The rain had been light that afternoon, so when he showed up at your door, his hair was lightly dripping with water as he gave you a small, sweet smile, and an umbrella was at his side. He honestly looked really cute like that.

You quickly encouraged him to go take a shower and change into warm clothes so he wouldn’t get sick and he thanked you as he headed off to do just that.

While he was gone, you called up a nearby pizza place to order so you guys would have something to eat since you had a whole bunch of plans for the evening and the jam packed schedule left no time for you guys to waste cooking.

After you did that, you just lounged around waiting for Shouto to come back.

Except the rain started getting harder and you were getting pretty worried.

You went to the window to watch the lightning even though you know there would likely be thunder as well that would scare you, but you just couldn’t seem to tear yourself away from watching the rain pouring down outside. It was like you were torturing yourself, but also you wanted to watch for some strange reason.

Shouto eventually finished up with his shower and got dressed in the clothes he had brought with him in his overnight bag. He walked out of the bathroom with a small towel slung around his shoulders and his hair still a slightly damp with little water droplets on it just as before, except this time it wasn’t the freezing cold rain that was to blame for it. He called out to you, but you didn’t answer, so he walked out into the living room to see if you were busy doing something and just didn’t hear him.

Shouto instantly noticed you nervously peeking out of the window and came up behind you.

“(Y/N)?” He placed a hand on your shoulder to get your attention, but when you jumped out of surprise at his touch, he immediately took his hand away and began apologizing.

You turned around to see who it was and couldn’t help but laugh at his apologetic expression. You told him it was fine with a smile, just that you had gotten a little startled when he accidentally snuck up on you, and when he asked why you had been so on edge, your expression fell a little and you looked down, too embarrassed to look him in the eye.

He gently caressed your face and carefully brought it back up so he could look at you, assuring you that it would be fine no matter what the problem was.

When you told him the reason you were so scared, he smiled, glad it wasn’t anything too serious, and told you that it was nothing to be ashamed of as he led you over to the couch so you guys could cuddle together. Whenever the thunder sounded outside, he would press a kiss to the top of your head or to your forehead and stroke your hair, asking if you were okay.

If he saw you keep glancing over at the window, he would get up and close the blinds so you wouldn’t have to worry about what was going on outside. Plus, you guys had a bunch of games and movies you wanted to get through as part of your sleepover, so he distracted you with those activities, giving you soft smiles and comforting you whenever you needed. He didn’t mind if you wanted to snuggle closer to him or hold his hand, and would rub soothing circles on your back if you were hugging or on the back of your hand if your hands were just resting on top of each other. He would even use his quirk to adjust his body temperature just how you like it.

Definitely expect sleepovers with him to become more common because it was so nice spending time with you just doing mundane, fun things to pass the time, plus you were so cute like this and he loved the feeling of protecting you. Lots of skinship and soft touches as he tries to constantly soothe you and let you know that he was there for you. He would try his best to make sure that one part of each of you was always touching throughout the evening for comfort, even if one of you was just leaning your head on the other’s shoulder, or even just him having his arm around your shoulders as you watched something on T.V. together.

He was getting so attuned to the thunder sounds so that he could be more aware of when he needed to comfort you, since usually he just tried to tune that sort of thing out because it didn’t bother him, that when your doorbell rang and the pizza guy announced his arrival, Shouto actually jumped a little in his seat out of surprise. You giggled at that and he couldn’t head but smile at the sight as he bashfully admitted that maybe he got a little spooked by something so simple. His heart swelled at the sight of seeing you so happy, since you had been trembling in fear just moments before, and he felt warm all over. Even as he volunteered to go get the pizza, and opened the door to take it and pay, he couldn’t stop smiling and felt like he couldn’t get back to you soon enough so you guys could sit down and eat together and go back to talking and playing around.

[b0rista]

— ❝︎ 𝐘𝐎𝐔 & 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐈𝐎𝐑 𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐎 𝐈𝐍 𝐀 𝐌𝐎𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐍! 𝐒𝐎𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑 𝐂𝐈𝐓𝐘 𝐀𝐔. ·˚ ༘

♡︎ : the atmosphere i'm going for is frustratingly difficult to describe djjfjg the word "somber" doesn't really do it for me, but it's pretty much these emojis 🌑🌨🎞💸🚬⛓🔭

lowkey just wanted to put this trio & y/n (aka the loml) in a really dark, gloomy, modern metropolis type of place full of cold weather, inner monologues, and cigarettes JFKGK

ALSO my insp was the reiner + annie fanart in the center of the divider i made!! i really wish i knew the artist, but i couldn't find them :(( definitely NOT taking credit, it isn't my art whatsoever. but LOOK AT THEM UGH THE AESTHETIC

to balance things out, i wrote the reader as female! && characters are aged up to their early twenties.

the bunch of you met through your college courses— of course, the three of them had known one another since childhood, but you managed to weasel your way into their close-knit friend group. ever since then, you all share the melancholy city life.

during your guys' campus days, reiner worked for his master's in kinesiology. it isn't that big of a shocker that he aimed for something that pertained to his bulkier build,, mans grows up to be an absolute unit, lmao. wanting to maintain an above average salary, he used his education to earn himself a place in the certified training department. currently, he's a personal trainer of many clients, all of which he does his best to maintain.

bertholdt majored in philosophy, and worked toward his master's degree. with his intelligence, he got it. while all three of you (reiner especially), urged him to pursue non-profit professionalism, praising his skill and all around ability to do so, he lacked the confidence to push for it, and ended up going down another path. currently, he's sticking to the safe road, aiming to become a professor in the very course he excelled in. he's yet to get there, though— right now, he's a professor's assistant. it's less tiring, at least. still, he was capable of becoming something better.

as for annie, she majored in political science. unlike the other two, she worked to obtain a bachelor's degree. with that being said, she attended college for a little longer. eventually, she got her degree, and while she was a little lost after graduation, she made her way into the policy analyst game. she had the writing skills, sOmewhat of the drive, and while she's the youngest worker in her office, she's also the brightest. they're all also terrified of her, she speaks .6 words a day.

of course, what you did is entirely up to you! if you took two or three years to get your degree, you likely graduated alongside the boys. if it took longer, no worries, annie's degree took quite a bit.

now, the four of you are living in the same city, and you're all experiencing that said city's constant mournful, dingy atmosphere. the aesthetic is calming, actually; the weather is never nice, it's a rarity that you ever get an actual glimpse of the sun. no matter the season, so long as it isn't summertime, layers are a must. rainfall is a weekly occurrence, as well as the occasional thunderstorm. the merged stench of coffee grounds and burnt oil linger within the streets of the city, simply adding to the melancholy. basically, the general scenery is dark, cold, wet, and quiet. it's a gloomy place,, definitely comparable to forks, washington, but more of a metropolis than a town.

even with all of that being said, you and your friends have a good time. honestly, if you didn't all have eachother, you'd all probably go mental.

while reiner and bertholdt have their own seperate apartments, you and annie share a place. the rent was cheap, especially once split between two homeowners. two bedrooms, one bathroom, and a single kitchen & living area. it was too good of a deal to pass up. fortunately, you and her are compatible roomates.

with that being said, of course, it's often that the four lounge around at your guys' apartment. bertholdt always makes sure to check in before visiting, while reiner has the sour habit of showing up unannounced. you've both had to deny him a key, despite his pleading. you love him, but not that much.

sometimes, the two of them crash in your living room. typically, it's reiner on the couch while bertholdt takes up the floor, waking up the next morning in whatever flamboyant position he'd folded himself into during the night. every now and then, you and annie forget to head back to your rooms, and you crash right there with them. before you all fall asleep, you're typically all huddled up near the glass doored balcony, allowing the rainfall to serenade the four of you into a deep slumber whilst sitting within the crisp remnants of cigarette smoke and freshly opened liquor.

in a way, it's funny, because you all have a tendency to do that on a work night. just the four of you, sitting in your living room, drinking your alcohol, coating your furniture in the brisk stench of pure, solicited nicotine, watching your very own city drown within the darkening sky's tears as little to zero words are even spoken. when it comes to you and your friends, that's something that can never be contradicted; the quiet. these were how you spent your evenings together, especially after a rough day— silence, smoking, and the most peaceful sorrow imaginable.

of course, when you aren't wallowing in your own self pity, you're known to get drinks together. there's this certain booth in a local pub, it had burnt burgundy seats made out of leather. it's your guys' booth, and whenever you go out for a drink or two, that's where you sit. it's way back in the corner, where none of you can be bothered. one time, a couple of rascals had stolen it, and they refused to move. without a second thought, annie slammed one of those motherfucker's faces into the table. in suite, reiner took care of the other one, yanking him from the collar and kicking him to the floor. you and bertholdt only watched,, you were laughing, poor bert simply dragGed his palm down his face.

hey, at least you got your seats back! absentmindedly, you etched your initials into the bottom of the table with your pen. without a thought, the other three did the same, marking the corner as their own. don't fuck with that table, you'll be slaughtered.

when winter hits, it hits mercilessly. it's insanely aesthetic, seeing your group standing on the side of the busy street, all absolutely layered up in buttoned up winter coats and thickly knitted scarves. because they're both unnecessarily large, you depend on them for warmth every now and then. the amount of times you've buried your face within reiner's side while sitting on the subway during the midst of wintertime is stupid. as for bertholdt, he occasionally takes off his very own coat, draping it over you or annie's shoulders whenever either of you are seen shivering. he doesn't mind getting a cold, so long as you're warm.

speaking of the subway, your city has one. it's a pretty average way to travel, and due to none of you actually owning your own vehicles, it's where you go whenever walking or taking the bus isn't an option. the only one who isn't allowed to ride the subway alone is you. there was instance where on your way home from work, you had a run-in with an unpleasant bystander with the means to hurt you. ever since then, a code has been set where if you want to travel underground, you do it with one of them.

^ one time, you didn't listen, and you went by yourself anyway— unfortunately for you, reiner was boarding the exact same stop as you, and gave you quite the scolding. however, it's only because you're special to him. to all of them.

you and annie are actually closer than you'd imagine. being one of the only female friends she's ever been able to keep, you've grown to be an important figure in her life. of course, she'd never admit that to you, but you know. some nights, the two of you lean against one another on the sofa while black & white reruns play on the television, ultimately sending you both to sleep.

once a week, you have lunch with bertholdt at the university he assists at. you know just how glum the work makes him, and fortunately, you showing up every single sunday with coffee and sandwiches never fails to brighten his day. sometimes, you're the only one that can get him through the week.

bert's crush on annie is still very much a thing, even in this universe. of course, he's older, and for the most part, he's grown out of it. still, he stares. not as much as he once did, but he does. you and reiner only watch from afar, quietly sullen that he'd never quite gotten the guts to act on it.

bertholdt is also the group's umbrella holder. it's constantly raining, and due to his height, he's the one holding the bigass umbrella over the four of your guys' heads. when there isn't an umbrella, you just sort of seek refuse underneath his arms, which he gladly gives you. reiner and annie don't really mind, they get wet. it is a thing where you're all rushing to get out of the rain, the two men shielding the women's hair from the storm with their jackets as they run for shelter.

you all smoke. well, actually, whether or not you smoke cigarettes in this scenario is entirely up to you. if you'd like, ignore this part. anyway, cigarette sharing is a given. while reiner's preferred brand of darts is far more lucrative and more likely to kill him (he's dead inside, it fits), he won't hesitate to snatch a cigarette from in between the tips of your lips, bringing them to his own. it's something all of you do, even bertholdt. sharing is caring, you all say. you tend to do the same thing with wine glasses, or beer bottles.

it's practically gotham city, you're all dead inside grownups, god isn't real.

irllydidn'tlikehowthisturnedout-

[panicinart]

A nanny to replace with someone new part 1

Brahms x transman/transmasc reader

Please take my writing privilege away when it's past midnight

There arnt any trigger warnings here and at the moment no gendered words or pronouns is used! I guess there is a bit of queer coding(???) if you squint but nothing to serious or specific

Your phone vibrated with a new message send to you. Scrambling it out of your pants with hasty and shaking fingers while the other hand tryd it's best to not let the travel suitcases fall on the floor. Giving it a quick glance your lips curled into a smile, it was your best friend asking how the flight into the UK was.

So you gave her a quick message on how you got the worst seat imaginable. The guy next to you constantly gave you weird glances, he tryd to be sneaky about it, looking at your way when he thought you were asleep or occupied with something else. The smell that receded from him wasn't pleasant either, betting your left arm that he didn't shower for at least 3 weeks straight.

A few seats away was a couple that constantly started a loud argument with each other about the most random and unimportant things imaginable. When the fly attended tryd to calm them down the whole scenario got even more chaotic, making a kid that was another few seats away cry loudly. You would feel bad for the child if it wasn't for your enormous migraine building up. The only good thing out of the situation was when a bag of salted snacks got accedntly thrown to your way, giving you a free extra snack.

As you clicked send an announcement made it's self know with loud static noises. The train had a one hour delay. At this point your nerves were on edge. With a heavy sigh you walked out of the airport to the underground, at least there was now some time to look at the airport stores. Buying a few snacks here and there and seeing the cute souvenirs lighten up your mood a bit, and you even found a pharmacy!

Munching at your last chocolate bar and swallowing the pill for your migraine as you clumsily walked down the stairs to the subway, you eyes skimmed for a clock, and there it was, old and a bit rusty but it worked just fine showing that it's currently 7:43 pm.

'20 more minutes'

you thought, as you gave it a quick glance with a groggy look,

'Might as well give her a quick text'

•hey,sophie the train has a delay probably will come in like an hour late if everything goes well.

It took a few minutes until she texted you back

▪︎Yea I already thought that, can't have shit in public transport >:/

•yea,,, so,,, how is the babysitting going? Is the kid as bad as the last one you took care of???

▪︎Nope! How should it when it's a doll :)

•....

....

....

a what???

▪︎A doll! It's one of those weird porcelain ones that look like a small child. It's even live sized! I was already weirded out that a couple this old would have small children of their own but that? A whole new level of weird

•,,,,what are you doing with it????

does it just hang around or do you actually take care of it??

As you waited for an answer another announcement was made, the train that should come in now 15 minutes should be here earlier.

You would have made a small victorious smile if the question didn't come crashing down like an avalanche.

Why do they keep it? Why do they need a babysitter when it's just a doll? Why is it live sized? And most importantly, how in the fresh fuck did they managed to let the train come earlier the thought. While being lost in your mind with questions your phone took you back into reality when it vibrated.

▪︎Nope! I just let it sit in the corner, sometimes I put a towel or blanket over it. It's stare is really fucking creepy....

•oh,,, so free money I guess, pretty cool.

hey sophie what was the name of the family??

Something with shire right??

Chestershire??

▪︎Heelshire, why do you ask?

•just out of curiosity, maeby there is an article about them and the doll.

i mean they are a well know family so I can imagine there is something out there about them. also my train is coming later then planned.

they made an announcement that it should come earlier the thought but,,, I think I won't come over today for the sleepover, I'm just too tired, sorry for the late cancelation

▪︎It's fine (Y/N)! You had a shitty flight so I can understand that! So we see us tomorrow :) ?

•ye

▪︎Awesome, can't wait to show you the creepy doll!

And with that the chat ended, your train already making a big entrance with the loud hald of it's heavy metallic wheels.

You took the suitcase back into your hands and tumbled your way into the train.

Looking around, you accepted defeat that there was no seat left for you, your mood slowly dipping from tired annoyance to about to having a small fit. But that wouldn't help your progress, so you swallowed your anger down and leaned to one of the metallic poles. Wobbling a bit from left to right and needing to catch your suitcase to not let it roll over a passengers feet as the train started moving again.

You grabbed your phone, hesitating for a bit

'Do I really want to know what the fuck is going on or???'

You just shrugged your shoulders and gave it a go, the heelshire family is a rich pompous family you're sure there is something about them on the internet.

Aaaaand you were right, it didn't even took a second when hundreds of articles pooped up with dramatic headlines.

Terrible fire at the Heelshire mansion

Mysterious fire in Heelshire property

Heelshire, how their live turned quickly into a nightmare

These were the few that caught your interest.

You gave the articles quick reads, your tired eyes switching between almost falling shut from tiredness and going wide at the gruesome details on the tragedy.

Well that gives you a few indications on why they keep it.

'It's probably some kind of coping mechanism....'

You don't really see yourself as someone who's heart gets torn apart everytime you hear a sad and tragic story, but you still can't shake the heaviness off it all, a family losing their only child in an enormous fire that up to this day nobody knows were it came from.

Too keep your mind off the whole thing you looked outside, still having a bitter expression of the new info as you admired the houses.

It looks like your heading towards a more suburban area, making it look like one of your old English telenovela that you watch every now and then.

As the sun slowly goes down and engulfing the area in beautiful colors was quite a bit breathtaking, infact so breathtaking that you almost missed your station.

In a moment of panic you pushed yourself out of the train almost dropping a few things in it, but luckily you had everything with you.

With lazy steps towards a billboard your eyes scanned the map for the area, the bus stop wasn't far away, just a few minutes walk, but your heavy arms slowly giving up and your feet starting to hurt didn't really help.

You got your headphones out in hopes that listening to your favorite music makes the whole thing a bit more bearable.

Even tho it was just a tiny bit left until you arrived at your destination, somehow everything went wrong one way or another. You almost missed the bus and then one of it's tire pooped, making you wait for the next one that came in like half an hour.

Then one of your water bottles wasn't closed properly making some of your stuff soaked in it, destroying your notes, drawings and a few comics you had with you in the process.

When you arrived in the small but cozy hotel a woman had a giant fight with the manager. One of her kids didn't stop bothering you with weird and uncomfortable questions about your appearance. While the other didn't keep their grabby hands off of you. Then when she finally finished her rant on how the room service didn't left a small piece of chocolate for her children like always, she had the audacity to give you a 'tch' when she walked passed you with a slightly disgusted expression. The manager and her assistant apologized for the inconvenience and offerd you some candy as a sorry gift for the inconvenience, you don't want to sound like a glutton, but it did make you forget about the whole thing for a bit.

Finally you managed to get your keys. On the way to your room you almost dropped all your stuff becoming a clumsy mess that just wants to sleep.

As you opend the door impatiently you more or less threw your stuff on the chairs and floor quickly unpacked your pajamas and hastily puting them on. Dropping your body on the softest bed you ever were able to sleep in like a rock. To say that you were happy to finally be here is taking things way to lighty. With a happy sigh you closed you eyes for the well deserving sleep.

[blueboltkatana]

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

GUrll ur so sexy... Like you're Hot. I don't care if you were bullied in school, you're sexy, they lied.

Also bitch I KNEW i related to you too much our ascendants are both in leo we're so hot.

Ok ok no now I'll stop complimenting and start with the roasting here we go:

So the sun is your sense of "self" it represents you on the more base level i guess you could say, like what most people think you're like is represented by your sun. With Sagittarius being your sun it means you're very energetic Especially for those things you are passionate about, you might have gone through a LOT of hobbies, only a few of them stuck around but you like to try things. You're curious about the way people's minds works, you wanna figure them out. If the conversations you have don't involve some form of psychoanalysis or philosophy you might loose interest. You are a Talker, maybe you talk very fast or you are often told to lower your voice but you don't do it on purpose you're just very very animated. You are kina volatile, in the sense that you value freedom in everything, love, work, hobbies. You have a huge rebellious streak and you kinda like testing your luck. Think adrenaline junkie. It's cliché but with this much Sagittarius in your chart you prob love traveling, like i said you will chase freedom because you associate it with happiness. If you find people that make you feel free then you feel happy. Rules don't go well with you. You don't really like being involved with fights per se but you LOVE debating, if you can beat a motherfucker with nothing but facts and logic you will and you will enjoy it.

Your way of flirting or making friends is "lowkey bullying" or my favourite "verbally throwing hands". If they shoot back you get heart eyes (my mars in sag agrees). You can be tactless as fuck tho. Like you will say some outrageous shit that MIGHT be funny if the timing is right or MIGHT make everyone in a 5 mile radius mad.

I NEED to talk about your moon in sag bc Babe, babe the moon tells us about our emotions and how we deal with them, how we express them and how they shape us. But BABE. Sagittarius moons are so bad at comforting people it's embarrassing, trying to make them think of smth else or do smth else to distract from the situation is NOT a good way to deal with your emotions... Avoiding your emotions like the plague is not gonna invent a vaccine... Saying "everything is fine :)" DOESN'T MAKE ANYTHING FINE PLEASE GO TO THERAPY. ok to give you some credit, you don't let shit bring you down, no matter what you always get up and that is a *strength* that i admire, but love you're burning the candle at both ends, especially if you get yourself in More problems by trying to distract yourself from One problem.

Also you've had a horsegirl phase or a dog obsession phase or both huh. AND your love language is sarcasm but the type that you will make someone laugh when you're insulting them. You're also hilarious irl you're prob the "funny friend" but with that scorpio mars and venus baby inside ur sad and dark as fuck ripp.

I also wanted to talk about your mercury in sag... Babe... Do you know what a brain to mouth filter IS?! do you recognize that word?!?! Cuz you have never used yours i think. Like you are hilarious but that's because you have dolphins in the head cavity baby. Not trying to say you're stupid, you're actually very smart and opinionated, probably have been told that you'd be a great lawyer or smth. But miss gurl please think before you speak for the love of god ur gonna make someone cry. Also ur mouth is foul. Have you ever spoken a sentence without a "fuck" or a "cunt" somewhere in there?! God bless.

Now for your scorpio Venus I'm just gonna say, more confirmation that ur Sexy as Fuck, scorpio venuses are just sexy, amazing partners, VERY passionate, whoever dates you will never forget you, for better or for worse you'll forever be on the back of their mind. You had a harsh emo phase huh, maybe loved some obscure shit like witchcraft or just love dressing all black like someone's mother died, i bet you wear silver jewelry a lot, maybe necklaces or rings or chockers. If this isn't how you dress now it was prob a major phase in your life. Or maybe you just love horror movies idk

Being as passionate as you are you don't take well to being mistreated or lied to, you might like to plot revenge and things like those, you wouldn't do anything... You actually prefer letting things go but you WILL make an elaborate scenario in your head at 3am or even as you stare right in the persons face.

With mars in scorpio you might be kinda passive aggressive, maybe you act like things don't really bother you but you throw a comment or two once in a while just to stir the pot bc you can't move on lmfao.

You are attracted to people that are introverts or generally just mysterious, like i said above the nature of the Sagittarius is to Learn and to Study. People that you can't immediately figure out intrigue you. All your crushes are either on geminis or water signs lmfao.

The best careers for you are the ones that allow you some freedom of either movement or expression and something that can keep your mind from flying away, something that keeps you intrigued, like research or writing. You're a very "all or nothing" person and it can sometimes scare people away, i advise you to work on compromising, being less stubborn and more open with your emotions and desires.

(part one bc I'm taking too long and I don't wanna keep you waiting so much) I'll reblog this with part 2

Alright here we go part 2 of Roasting hella until she finds out I'm hiding in her walls.

I will skip over some planets that are Very slow moving and usually don't talk about you as an individual but refer to your generation as a whole.

I wanna focus on lilith for a sec bc worstie lilith talks about our fears, our more "darker" side that we hide from ourselves as well as the people that we love. Lilith in aries in the eleventh house tells me you might be afraid to take charge, you gravitate towards positions of leadership but you let go on the last second, almost afraid to have too much control, very often self sabotaging your own success. Your anger and you own ambition might scare you, you might be afraid of appearing too aggressive bc under your skin you have a deep rooted anger and rebellion that you wish to relieve but you can't find a good enough outlet, some things soothe it but you always feel like it never leaves. It might be related to some form of resentment that you never truly dealt with and now it sits uncomfortably with you and you just can't get over it and it bothers you. You might have been shy in groups as a child, maybe you talked a lot but it was always from a fear of the silence not always because you had something to say. The eleventh house is that of groups and friends and social awareness, technology and your hopes and wishes for the future, having lilith in this house talks about someone who had a hard time feeling comfortable around people OR someone who wasn't very accepted. You might have desperately wished for friends but have found it hard to find any. Or if you did, you deep down felt very alone. I would advise to learn to accept your anger and deal with it in healthy ways instead of brushing it off and repressing it.

The north node talks about what you need to focus more in your life for example in your case with Gemini in your North node you need to focus more on your communication letting go of anxiety and your relation with other people you need to become more interested in intellectual pursuit and growth. You need to let go off the need to always be right and look more at details instead of focusing on on the bigger picture all of the time. When your North node is is in Gemini then your South node is in Sagittarius which tells me that what you should focus less on is your pursuit of freedom and your rebellion. Be more aware of your words and use them with maturity.

Now let's have some fun with the ascendent in leo which we share and now i see why ur so relatable. The first house or the ascendant is that very superficial layer of our personality, it includes the way we carry ourselves, our style, the little habits or quirks we have. One thing about leo ascendants is that we have an obsession with our hair. Hair is important to us, some have huge hair that might remind you of a lions mane, others just have very unique style or color but we ALL are lowkey or highkey obsessed with it, either constantly touching it, pulling it, chewing on it, cutting it or dying it in unique ways you name it. You might have a rather large nose or cat like eyes.

This ascendent is full of life and light, very funny, light hearted and luxurious, you want to live that good life and i don't blame you. A negative aspect is that we come of as intimidating to others. ALL of my friends AND my ex have at some point told me I was intimidating to them. It makes us prone to overcompensating for it later in life so maybe now you're super outgoing and extroverted and you approach people first and try to be super friendly. Also you're an attention whore (affectionate) with a flare for the dramatics, very flamboyant, you basically fill the room with personality, it attracts attention and you love it. You're what people would call a "sunny" person.

You're hella competitive (get it lol) and you LOVE fighting your way to the top and crushing the competition. You're probably a weirdo that low key likes school. Not the way it's run or the teachers or whatever, but the "idea" of school. If you could just learn all your life you absolutely would.

Second house in virgo. The 2nd house is the house of money, work, income, daily routines, values, material possessions, habits, work ethic ect being in virgo it means you can have an extremely good work ethic, you put a lot of thought in planning and mapping your work, you might get overly critical on your work though and often undermine your own success and efforts because they didn't fit your impossible standards. You can be very organized in your work, you want things to be a certain way and if they don't follow your plan you will Make them. Its a good position for virgo but yoh need to be aware of not overworking by trying to do Everything on your own. Let others help you, and let people in your work do their own things don't try to help if not asked to because you will overwork yourself.

The third house is that of the mind, thinking, communication, siblings, interests and early education, in your case it is in Libra which means that you're early education might not have been very stable or it was a period of time that you look back with a lot of fondness but not much substance. You are a good talker but you get lost when it comes to details, you are indecisive when it comes to settling on an opinion on something if you don't have All the facts first, you always want to be right. You are pretty open minded and easy to talk to but you might have the bad habit of rambling off topic. You change interests constantly and you prob like to talk about others, you wanna know the tea if it kills you. You prob had a crush on a childhood best friend or on a hot neighbor. Your relationship with your siblings might be pretty good, friendly, no particular resentment or anything like that, you might be the one that everyone treats a little better, people let you get away with things more often, you might be the one that takes 2 hours in the bathroom lol.

Oof fourth house in scorpio babe how are the mommy issues? 😬 How is your relationship with your femininity? Having trouble with keeping secrets? So the fourth house is the one responsible for your home roots, your family, self-care, emotions, your mother, women and your femininity and having Scorpio here tells me that you might have very strong ties to your family, but they weren't healthy or emotionally supportive. You have grown with people that might have undermined your emotions, people that didn't teach you to set healthy boundaries and maybe even manipulators and gaslighters. You might have been the type to put your foot down a lot a home, assuming a very dominant role as well as the defender. You're very private about your family life and don't want to let people too close.

Ah i just noticed u have like 3 planets in this house including ur Sun and Moon, babe this house is what you need to focus on when you go to therapy. This almost secretive, guarded approach to understanding your own emotions is very prominent in how you see yourself, how you feel and with Pluto there, how you change. I could say the biggest changes in your life have happened in these areas and they have left the biggest impacts on you. Yes you are passionate and protective but don't let bad feelings marinate forever, address them and then move on from them because they're just weighting you down.

Fifth house in sag, also the house of your mercury. This house represents Love, romance, creativity, self expression, joy and childlike spirit. It tells me the way you express your creativity is through words which makes sense since you're a great writer, but not only, the way you express Love is also through your words, expression and free thoughts are your way you tell your loved ones how much you mean to them, think poetry, long rants, music recommendations bc of specific song lyrics, you have been writing form childhood and it's one of the ways you express your view on beauty as well, to you love is freedom and freedom is expression.

Capricorn in the sixth house paired with both uranus and neptune being in it tells me there is something about your knees, joints, bones or teeth in particular that stands out when it comes to your health, maybe you tend to break your teeth, maybe you like chewing on crunchy foods, maybe your joints crack a lot, idk but I'd drink my milk if i was you, take care of your joints and bones. Also for you, being emotionally unwell often translates to being Physically unwell as well, so be mindful of your emotions because they do affect you physically. You need to keep hydrated also and your health plan needs structure for it to work bc that neptune makes everything very chaotic and uranus constantly makes you bored and wanting to spice things up. Take care of your emotional needs just as much as you would with your physical ones. And for the love of jesus be CAREFUL with alcohol or smoking because that neptune in ur health house could mean serious trouble if you let it become an addiction, don't push it.

Aquarius in the seventh house of relationships, marriage, contracts, business partners ect means you are untraditionally traditional. That makes sense in my head let me explain. Aquarius is a sign that seeks individualism desperately, it likes to feel like a special person, impossible to understand. Yet always feels comfortable in the structure of traditional and safe paths. So for example you might marry someone in a way that is not traditional but at the end of the day you wish for your marriage to have a stability you would feel safe falling into. Also it says ur gay. Air signs in the relationship house says ur gay i Make the rules.

Pisces is in the eighth house of sex, intimacy, shared finances, inheritance, taxes, loans, property, mystery, partner's resources. This tells me you fuck with feeling lmfao. Or you simply make your love life something "special", a connection that only you and ur person can share, it's what makes you an amazing lover and an unforgettable one as well. But as amazing as you are at creating a otherworldly atmosphere, ur just as shit at setting boundaries and saying something when you don't like something. You don't like to see things that you love ending and a failed relationship makes you blame yourself too much, you have the tendency to stay in situations where you are being mistreated but you tell yourself It's on you.

A recurring theme I'm seeing is some weakness when it comes to liars or manipulators in your life. So either you irrationally fear people are lying to you because you "lie" to them about yourself or a lot of people in your childhood might have used lying or gaslighting as a way to keep you under control. I would advise to try not to overthink and become paranoid, people love you and they believe in you and they aren't deceiving you, they don't secretly mean something different from what they have said. Listen to your intuition about people sure, but don't confuse it with anxiety.

With lilith and aries in the 9th house of travel and higher education and religion I'm gonna assume you might have religious trauma. Religion might have been a way that people used to try and control you, if not religion then some form of system or government law. Being queer i completely understand the sentiment but in your case it's take a step further because you Value the ideals of this house so much, with lilith here, it's like at som point in your life you were finally awakened to how much injustice there was in the world ant that has made you very inclined to take action, you cannot stand unjust government or non tolerating religions. You might have felt crushed under an unjust system and it took you a lot of will and conviction to find your individuality and build yourself how you wanted once you were free.

Your midheaven in taurus tells me you are one that will achieve any goals you set your mind to. It might take you time, you might procrastinate around it, but at the end of the day, you will do it and you will do it well and it will be rewarding. If your father isn't a Taurus then he was a stable figure in your life, very much a rock for better or for worse. In your career life people will see you as very competent, very down to earth and helpful but you know you just procrastinated till the last second possible and stayed up all night do finish your work... You will seek careers that you believe will guarantee you stable income and a comfortable life. You might indulge in luxury from time to time because you think in order to get the position you want at work you need to look the part. Ultimately it's your sheer stubbornness and spite that gets you all the way up to the top of the food chain.

The eleventh house of groups, friendships, humanitarianism, and social awareness is in your case in gemini. It tells me you value friendship extremely and you surround yourself with a diverse cast of friends, you couldn't mix your different friend groups if you tried and you have tried. You have the habit of being too friendly to everyone which makes you end up with more friends than you know what to do with. You are approachable but people can get the impression that you are putting up a show or a facade and your emotions arent genuine, it's not always the case but you need to be more truthful and assertive, put some boundaries and don't let people get away with shit you don't like. Your public persona is very well liked, seen as fun and bright and smart and overall a joy to be around.

Now that last placement... 12th house cancer, i have the same placement and babe I'm sorry for all the shit you have been through. You deserve the freedom to be unhappy and to express that unhappiness in healthy ways. You deserve to be given unconditional love and support no matter how many mistakes you say you have made no matter how overly pessimistic you are about yourself it doesn't matter you're amazing and i love you and you deserve the world.

With jupiter the planet of expansion in the 12th house of endings, spirituality, solitude and karma?! Gurl i did say u were a cult leader but i didn't think it was astrologically backed up rippp. But it also says you might have a hard time getting the motivation to finish things, you might take a long time to finish a project. This house placements also tells me you're amazing at writing emotional ass fantasy stories which by now we have confirmed, but if you have like, an original idea for a book don't hesitate to get it started babe bc u have a very promising placement for that. Don't get too dragged into a sad whirlpool of emotions and daydreams but bring your creative ideas to life and you'll be fine.

This is all I'm doing today and i think it's enough lol. I'm posting this I'm sorry to my followers for the long ass post I'll tag it so you can filter it. This was a whole psycho-astrological analysis of our favourite writer Hellspawn1975. I have wanted to study her like a new lizard species for a while and i finally got the chance thank you hella for the opportunity.

Final words to @hella1975 i hate you and I'll fuck ur mom tomorrow, gn babe <3

[msladyrosa]

I'm here to tell a story that my heart is screaming at me to tell.

This is me. I fucking hate myself, just as much as I fake loving me. I don't think I've ever been this contempt as I was in these photos. I'm awkward and I fake confidence by throwing sarcastic and snarky comments. My coping mechanism consists of lying and just hiding behind my fake me. I've created a confident, pretty and delusional front that isn't me, but it's just as real as the raw version. My raw is ugly and disgusting and I hate it. I hid it and for the love of the non existent God there is, I wish I didn't have the raw side. I write in my skin, because if I went back to cutting, then I would no longer have pretty skin that people can love. I love eating, but I don't do it, because of the fear of losing my 36,28,42 measurements. I'm suicidal, but heavens forgive if I make a joke about it in order to cope with my insane itch to make my skin purple. My arm hair is soft and the last time I shaved I was scared that someone might see the thin, white lines that are underneath. My body is sexy as fuck, but Heavens forgive me if I actually feel comfortable in it. Thoughts of "they'll be fine without me" or "it's better if I'm not here" are drowned by the words I told someone who was a suicidal as me, "killing yourself would not make the pain disappear, you're just passing it on to someone else". I'm such a fucking hypocrite, or is it just a twisted way of actual introspection? What is wrong with the way I walk funny because I'm dizzy for the lack of food is that people notice. Oh great deity in the sky, please allow them to notice, but forgive them is they dare to ask what's wrong. I look happy and relaxed in the photos, hell yes, but not I'm an anxious mess that's writing this in the middle of a mental breakdown. Parents are never the one's to blame, no forgive them for not validating their children's emotions and struggles. No, strict parenthood creates strong-willed, rightful and successful people that think of themselves as worthless, weak, pathetic excuses. Oh we lie, and we lie good. Ask actors if they had strict parents... You'll find none, why? Because strict parents will inforce you an internalized fear of failure outside of social norms and acting is "a waste of time" to their standards. Support doesn't come from the right sized bra, but it sure as fucking hell is welcoming to be held and somehow relived from a burden you didn't fucking asked for. I was so happy ya'll. I was in cloud nine. That day I had a date with a guy I like that I thought was way out of my league, I lied my way through his pseudo intellectual remarks and he believed it.

We know how to lie so good and so true that eventually you lose track of your actual motive to do it in the first place. Society wants you perky and pretty, fuck yeah they do. How do I get all perky and pretty when I only see disgusting, overdosed surroundings? It's easy to get worried when you finally realize somethings not right. It wasn't right to be kneeling at someone's feet screaming a nasty and raspy wail of pain. 10 years it took me to fucking do that and yet nothing really changed. Now I'm just looked at with pity and the quizzical look that can only mean "when is this one gonna blow up again?" Oh, honey, I won't, you're just worried that you're just realizing this now. It's easy to be outside and just stay that way.

I was so happy, all the time. I was forced to lie in order to move forward. You love me? Yeah, as long as you earn it. Are you proud? Sure, as long as you don't fail. Am I okay because I feel like this? Well, it's fine as long as you keep it in. It's beautiful. "As long as..." my reality had always been subjected to a condition, and clause, a fucking constant reminder that I have to earn my happiness. I have to earn my own idea of self worth that is diluted through your standards. I have to earn reassurance from the people I surround myself. I must assume the best case scenario but I can't be surprised when it's the worst outcome.

Having loved a mad human made me realize how flawed I am. I was happy. So, so happy I forgot I wasn't. I tortured myself through endless nights of doubt, starvation with a full kitchen. Sleepless nights contemplating self harm and then decided against it because I had work and the cute client at work would see how damaged I was. I tortured myself with the idea of loneliness in a see of people, only to realize I've been in that see long enough that I grew a tail and fins. I was plagued my guilt because I didn't love them, but when exactly did it go from happy to uttermost bullshit? I was so happy I forgot what sadness was.

I was so happy it started hurting. Hurting when I failed to do something. It was excruciating when I was not able to buy a car because I had noticed I had spent my money of pleasing those who swore they'd provide for me. I was in pain when I showered and instead of singing, I just blasted music loud enough so that nobody heard my hyperventilating bitch ass. I was in so much pain that I welcomed it as my way of happiness. I loved my pain, because I've had it my whole life.

I had it when I was in forth grade and in order to fit in I had to go a sneak around to kiss a boy, and I didn't want to. It was there when I was accused of fighting other girls, but in reality I was trying to establish my self worth, so I was punished. In fifth grade I loved a boy so much I had written beautiful words to describe how much I loved his smile, and so he said I was stalking him and he got scared; 2 months later I was in a shrinks chair talking about it; fast-forward to last night, that same boy explained to me how much he wanted to fuck me now that he had lost weight. Middle school was terrible. Seventh grade, I was constantly degrading myself because another pretty blonde chick was only my friend when she could laugh through me. I insulted a perfectly great teacher because she noticed my self destructive behavior. Eighth grade came and I was lost with a blonde boy. He was beautiful and I was not. He was friends with the girl that swore fielty to me and he chose someone else and because he chose the pretty pale skin on someone else, I settled for the kid that wantedto finger me in the bleachers during recess. Ninth grade came and I was failing classes, parents were strict and hurtful, but they aren't to blame for my shortcomings. That's when I found myself in the arms of the pretty blonde thing I had fallen for. The pretty girl had him in public, I could only have him when we snuck around and he would hold me and kiss me like holding on to his life line. I was letting him touch me, but my self hatred didn't know no boundaries so I suck to my knees and gave my first blowjob at the top of staircase wearing only a lazy purple bra and the school uniform and the shame I'll forever wear because I did it without wanting to, but because I was expected to.

I was so happy to be out of there, that I ended up sinking deeper into my lie. I was smart, new and vulnerable. That's how I met the wholesome boy I called my first boyfriend who was nice and respectful, but he was as ugly as they come. I was a queen to him, but he was looking more like the ogre on the fairy tale and there came my vanity, my ego, my selfishness. I was brutal and I couldn't care less. High school started with a bang with the boy I played with, and when he got to close to my actual raw person, I kicked him out with a bang and he cried. I just stood there not knowing how to react, so I just went on to the next person I could lead on and play. Junior year I knew was difficult, and a black boy with a nice boy and a promising basketball future came around, I once again craved approval and degraded myself to it. That's how I ended up sneaking around 10 minutes before my parents picked me up. In the second floor, I'd found myself again on my knees, and expected to give a blowjob in exchange for attention, and like before, I was hidden, and I expected to be I had tears in my eyes, but because of my shame. Senior year came in, and the black boy with the attractive body was replaced with another, but this one only had pretty eyes and the promise of spoiling me with his family's money. Once again, I said yes when he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend, at least this time I was not hidden, but I was back in the cycle and I ditched my best friend in a movie theater so that I would be in the backseat on a Dodge, sucking my pseudo boyfriend's dick with tears on my eyes, not becauseofhis size, but becausethe disgust towards myself. Like before, I was expected to do so, and so I did.

Heavens above forgive the religion to blame women for sin and lust, but instead punish us for the boys who couldn't keep their dicks to themselves. The end of senior year came, and I was relieved, but then I fell for the guy my parents liked. Humble background, similar interests, and a promise of stability. I was ditched because for him I was a whore and his friends told him so, I accepted the insults and insinuations.

I was so happy, I forgot the rest. College was great and a religious nut job, a platonic love, a semi smart dipshit with the complex of being over everyone in experience, a quiet mature man that treated me with decency, the suicidal broken guy who needed healing #1 and the suicidal broken guy who needed healing #2, later, here I am.

I was so happy in these pictures, I had no idea was contemplating my own disappearance. I write this with migrane, blue ink from a ballpoint in my thighs, with nostalgic memories of moments where my mind wasn't this crowded. I was so happy it hurt. I guess that my logic dictates that happiness is painful and that my pain can bring me joy, but fuck I was so happy.

I had everything. I was pretty, I was smart, I was important. I'm still all those things, but right this very second, I'm happy, and painful so. Heavens above forgive for I have sinned...

I dared to fail... I sinned

I dared to fall into lust... I sinned

I dared to judge... I sinned

I fucking dared to wake up every miserable day... I had sinned.

I dared to be painfully happy... I sinned

I lied... and so that's my greatest sin of all.

[lil-papaya-tifosi]

A/N: Dezzy: Hey everyone! We're back with another OS! Technically, according to the request, it is a kind of part 2 of Nice Boys, similar scenario but with Tae and Kookie. This is actually the first thing on here that Sunnie and I have written together, so we're really excited to share it with you. Little mix up when it was posted, but it should be all fixed now. We hope you like it!

Sunnie: Hey Everybody, we're finally uploading this little baby. I must say we had a lot of fun writing this so I really hope you'll love it as much as you loved Nice Boys. This OS was born from an Request so thanks to @pillowiestar for requesting it. Dezzy pretty much explained everything so the only thing I can add from my side is that I also hope you'll like it. And thanks for reading it.

Word Count: 7,568

Warnings: Sub/Dom themes, oral (m & f receiving), fingering, squirting, face riding, lotsa dirty talk, slight impreg kink at the end, bondage, dp, threesome

Summary: When your neighbors get too rowdy late at night you decide to go over to teach them a lesson, but it seems that they don't want to play games anymore.

You bury your head under your pillow again as your neighbors let out the next cry of victory. Rather, it was Taehyung's shout of joy while Jungkook complained loudly about the lost round. This has been going on for 2 hours now. You could always say exactly when a round was finished because of the volume penetrating to you and because of the thin new building walls you could also say with 95% accuracy who had won. Frustrated you rub your temples and crawl completely under your blanket. The two young men had been living next to you for 2 years. In the beginning they had also been quite nice, but that had changed quite a bit over time. They hadn't necessarily become more unfriendly, because you could still see them hauling the old lady's shopping around on floor 6, but they had become much more ruthless towards your sleep rhythm. The fact that you involuntarily witnessed their extended gaming nights made your opinion of them a little worse. You were slowly getting the impression that the two of them were really doing nothing but spending all their time gaming. Very rarely did you see them outside their apartment. The only evidence that they were still alive was the daily ringing delivery service and the nightly noise nuisance. With a unnerved groan you flip your blanket back and crawl out of your bed again to give yet another warning to your neighbours. It rarely helped and usually only for a short time, but it was definitely better than nothing. So perhaps you were granted a few hours of sleep. Besides, hope dies last, as you know. You simply leave your door open as you shuffle to the neighbouring door and let out your accumulated frustration at the innocent apartment door. It took a moment until someone finally opens the door for you, before you turned it into firewood. A young man with messy grey hair appears in the door frame. Taehyung. >>What gives us the honour at such a late hour? << he asks and gives you one of his boxy smiles, which he almost always seemed to wear on his lips. >>Your less well-off and atrophied brain cells, your apparent deafness and the obvious inability to read the clock give you the honor. Hard to believe, but there are actually people who can't sleep late tomorrow morning, but have to get out relatively early. It really can't be that hard to be a little considerate, can it? << you snap at him and pull up an eyebrow accusingly. Your counterpart looks at you a little surprised. >>What is it? You can be loud otherwise? Have you suddenly lost your voice? << you mock while you cross your arms in front of your chest.

>>Want me to repeat it very slowly? Or do you prefer to have it spelled right away? Would it be more understandable then? << you poke a little farther when you hear a snort from behind the young Korean. Not a second later his roommate appears behind him. Jungkook was the younger of the two, that's how much you had picked up at some point. >>Where is the problem again? << he asks and reaps another incredulous snort from you as he peers over Taehyung's shoulder. Just as you're about to answer, the gray-haired one seems to have found his voice again. >>We are too loud for her. << he said slightly dramatically, which only made you feel more angry. >>Once again. << Jungkook noticed with a crooked grin and shrugged his shoulders. Outraged you gasp for air. >>The 'once again' should definitely make you think by now. Also this should be the last time I have to come over to complain. Next time I'll initiate further steps. I am so sick of it. Contrary to yours, my synapses don't wither through looking at the constantly flickering screens. Apart from that, I can give you another helpful advice: << you say and glare angrily at the two young men. >>Have you ever heard of hearing aids? They are small inconspicuous things that you put in your ear and they are not so expensive. Then you don't have to yell at each other like that to communicate with each other. Maybe you should seriously consider a purchase. << With that you turn around, go back to your apartment and slam the door behind you into the lock. Now that you've been able to vent your anger, it's slowly being overshadowed again by the re-emerging fatigue. You yawn heartily and shuffle back to your bed. When you get there, you fall face first back into the soft pillows. Fortunately, it doesn't take long until you finally fall asleep without a new disturbance.

The next days passed surprisingly without further significant disturbances. Not that you would complain about this development in any way. One evening you had to knock against the wall to put an end to the reappearing volume, but this action was crowned with success, because it had led to the desired silence without resistance.From time to time you've even seen your annoying neighbours outside their gamer's den. This gave rise to some hope that they would do something about the degeneration of their brain cells or at least try to prevent further damage.You, on the other hand, spent the rest of your time learning. The finals were just a few days away and you weren't ready to beat them up just because of the constant noise pollution. Meanwhile there were only two days left until the finals, after that you had finished this semester successfully. Inside you hadn't completely given up hope that the two young men were also distracted by their finals and therefore refrained from screaming at night.

A glance at the clock tells you that it was already 1am. Sighing, you get up from your place at your desk, which had served you as a sleeping place during the last nights, sometimes even involuntarily, and you stagger, rubbing your throbbing temples, towards your bed. Once there, you drop on the mattress with a tired groan and want to make yourself comfortable between your pillows when all your hopes for another quiet night have been dashed. Again. Sometimes you regret moving into this apartment. Since the entire residential complex was a new building, apparently not much value had been placed on thick walls. Unfortunately, this apartment was one of the few affordable ones for your budget. So you had no choice but to complain for the second time this week.

You're exhaling a completely unnerved sound, you get back on your feet and almost storm out of your apartment. Because of your persistent headache, you had even less patience for the two of them. You press the little bell button extremely vigorously while leaving out any accumulated frustration at the innocent door. >>Is someone finally going to open the door? I know you're there. After all, you can’t be overheard. << you grumble at the door. The next blow, which had actually been very unerringly aimed at the door, hit Jungkook's chest with full force when he suddenly opens the door. >>Ouch...<< he sulks at you and rubs the sore spot. >>Stop complaining. That's nothing compared to your noise nuisance. << you hiss and push yourself effortlessly past him, taking advantage of the fact that you took him completely by surprise. He needed a moment to realize that you had just pushed yourself into the apartment. >>Hey, what is this now? You can't just walk in here as you like. That's trespassing. << His statement only elicits an angry snort. >>You just witnessed how I can. Also what you do is noise nuissance, which is by the way not better at all. What do you want to do now? Pull me out by my hair again? << you ask provocatively as you make your way to the living room. Fortunately, this apartment was built just like yours, so you have no problems finding it.

>>Now you've definitely gone too far. A little rest is really not too much to ask for, is it? Just a little bit of silence... << In the living room you finally find a Taehyung who is also surprised. He is sitting cross-legged on the sofa and looks at you with big eyes while the gamepad seems frozen in his hands. Jungkook had stopped in the door frame, probably to block your escape route. However, this one was just of the slightest interest to you. You're looking for something else. Both men were once again dressed in loose sweaters and sweatpants. That's what happened when you had the number of the delivery service on speed dial. Other sports than gaming were probably not considered by either of the two young Koreans. It was a shame, actually, if you thought about it more carefully, because they have pretty faces.

You need a second to find what you were looking for. When you found it, a gloating smile creeps on your lips. You reach behind the TV and pull out all the plugs from the power strip behind it. With the connector strip in your hand, you turn around to the two men again. >>I will take my finals in two days. No, it’s already tomorrow. For days I have been doing nothing besides learning. From morning to evening. As soon as I come home from university, I sit down at my desk and learn. All I need to get some rest in between is my fucking sleep, which I can't get because you two totally ruthless idiots just won't let me. << Angry you look at your neighbors. Taehyung had meanwhile placed the gamepad next to him and was now sitting on the sofa in front of you with slightly spread legs. Jungkook had leaned against the door frame with his arms crossed in front of his chest and looked at you blank. Their much too relaxed reactions only made you more furious, which is why you almost screamed the next words. >>Silence! That’s all I demand. I’m not askng for more. Just a little bit of silence! What is so difficult to understand about it? << The question hangs in the room for a moment. You look back and forth between the two men while your fingers tightly enclose the connector strip.

Before you talk any further, you take a deep breath to stop yelling. >>That's why I'm taking this with me now. So that I get at least a little of the peace and quiet that you ruthless Neanderthals deny me. << frustration follows rage afterwards, which is why you don't even notice how your voice moderates again and now sounds less angry, but completely frustrated and overworked. >>You can pick them up after I’m done with my finals. I just have an immense headache and wish for nothing more than a little sleep before I go on learning. If you would do anything else sometime except sit on the sofa all day and play video games, you might understand. Or maybe you are looking for another hobby or directly a girlfriend. << You can see Jungkook raising an eyebrow slightly mockingly and Taehyung's corners of his mouth curling slightly upwards as you continue speaking. >>A little of dick wetting can do wonders against accumulated frustration. In those two years, the only women I've ever seen here were your mothers. And that's a pretty devastating balance. << Now Taehyung has raised both eyebrows and looks at you amused. But you don't let yourself be distracted anymore and just keep talking. >>But a little advice. Women can only be found out there. They don't come flown into virgin caves on their own to guys who don't even know how to operate a stove, let alone hide under tent sized clothes instead of doing something for themselves. << Innocently you shrug your shoulders. The two men don't look at you anymore, but look at each other, pregnant with meaning, which you can't interpret. >>Good night to you then. << you say briefly tied up and want to leave the living room. But Jungkook didn't move an inch.

"Get out of my way, kid." You grumble, pushing against his chest with your hand, and his torso feels unexpectedly built under your fingertips. He only smirks in response, still not budging. "You really think you can trespass on our property, steal our stuff, and we'd actually let you leave with it?" He chuckles. You feel a presence behind you, and suddenly the strip in your grasp is snatched away, Taehyung proudly waving it around before putting it back in it's rightful place.

"I think all that studying must've gotten to her head, Kookie. She's not thinking properly." Taehyung calls back as he plugs everything back in. "I think you're right. You said you had a headache too, Y/N? Well, as a medical student I know one thing that could get rid of that for you." Jungkook smiles, lifting his hand to cup your cheek, but you smack it away. "Medical student my ass. You never step foot out of this flat, I highly doubt you even attend classes." You scoff, crossing your arms. "He's right though. He's a med student and I'm an educational student. He's gonna be a doctor and I'll be a teacher." Taehyung chimes in, drawing your attention to him.

You laugh loudly, both of them cocking their eyebrows at you. "There is no way that your lack of braincells could handle all of that. Being a doctor and a teacher require hours of studying, which you two clearly don't do since all I hear through these thin walls is you screaming over your stupid games." You smile, still calming down from your laughing fit. "You know, it's really rude to barge in and ridicule us on our passions." Taehyung pouts. "And do you really think we don't get girls?" Jungkook asks, and you nod in response. "I never see any girls come in or out of that door." You reason, and they both laugh. "We don't bring them over here, we go to their place, because we know how thin these walls are thanks to your late night self love sessions." Your smile drops, Taehyung's words sending a chill down your spine. They've heard you? They know what you do on lonely, drunk nights?

"I have to say, your sounds are so sweet, we've been dying to hear them ourselves, calling out our names instead of 'Matt Bomer! Oh my god, Matt'!" He mimics your sounds of pleasure, making your cheeks heat up. "Also, he's gay, you know that, right sweetheart?" Jungkook asks. "That's not the point! He's still a lot hotter than you two ever could be even if you did work out and all that kind of stuff!" You cry, completely flustered. "Whatever you say, darling. The point I'm making is that we're not the losers you think we are and we'd appreciate it if you could keep all of your snide comments and rude remarks to yourself from now on, or we're gonna have to teach you a lesson." Taehyung smirks, throwing his arm around Jungkook's shoulders.

"Teach me a lesson? Really? Don't use that teacher bullshit on me. You guys are a fucking joke. Please move so I can go home and maybe get a few hours of rest?" You ask, stepping up to them, but they stay motionless. "That's actually gonna be a no go, sweetheart." Jungkook says, stepping forward and taking your chin between his fingers, tilting it up so you look him in the eyes. You don't know why, but it's like his presence, the close proximity to him, his actions, everything about this moment has your confidence from before draining out of your body. "I think you need to be a little nicer to us. You said a lot of things about us that are wrong. Why don't we prove her wrong, Tae?" Jungkook asks, looking back at the older male.

The two look at you, their eyes dark, a tint of something almost animalistic, as if they were hungry lions and you were just a small antelope with no chance of surviving. "I think that's a great idea." Taehyung nods in agreement. "What should we prove wrong first? She said we're deaf, we're virgins, we're stupid, out of shape, the list goes on." He rambles. "Maybe we should prove how in shape we are first. What do you say, baby?" Jungkook suggests, grabbing your hand. He guides it under his shirt, your fingers gliding over his hot skin, and to your surprise, it's fairly tough, your hand gliding over the small ridges of his abs, a small gasp escaping his lips as he closes his eyes at the sensation. You bite your lip, embarrassed at how weak you're getting. You always figured they were out of shape, maybe even a bit chunky since all they wore were baggy clothes, but now that you're feeling it for yourself, you desperately wish to see it.

You don't even realize that he's pulled his hand away, your hand still running over his skin, until both of his hands are rested on your hips. He steps a bit closer, walking you backwards a bit until your back hits something warm, another set of arms wrapping around you. Taehyung pulls you close to him, leaning forward, his hot breath fanning over your shoulder. You're so confused by this turn of events that you open your mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. "What is it, Y/N?" Taehyung whispers, his lips ghosting over your skin. "Have you suddenly lost your voice?" He smirks before he kisses your neck. You haven't felt this in a long time, and even though it's your annoying neighbor doing it, you can't help but enjoy it, your eyes closing as your head tilts to the side, giving him more access.

As you relish in the feeling of Taehyung's lips, your breath is taken away by Jungkook's lips crashing onto yours, swallowing your gasp of surprise. You close your eyes, moving to wrap your arms around his neck, giving into them completely. Taehyung's hands move up your torso, cupping your breasts, your back arching involentarily, making your ass press against him. He growls into your skin, teeth grazing against you, which makes you moan into Jungkook's mouth. You haven't been touched like this in so long, it's embarrassing how wet you are already. Taehyung fondles your breasts as Jungkook takes your bottom lip between his teeth, your mouth opening for him.

Jungkook groans as your fingers tangle is his hair, Taehyung grinding against you, and you feel him growing hard against you, Jungkook's own hard on pressing against your thigh. Is this really happening? All you wanted was some decent sleep, yet here you are, sandwiched between your noisy neighbors, letting them ravish you. You definitely weren't expecting this, but you aren't complaining. In fact, you pout when Jungkook pulls away from you, smirking. "I think she's enjoying it, Tae." He says breathily, the older male humming against your neck. "Her cheeks are so pink, it's adorable." He smiles, his hand reaching up to cup your cheek, feeling the warmth radiating from it. "I bet she's wet too. Isn't that right, baby? Mind if I feel?" He tilts his head, and you only whimper in response. "I need a straightforward answer, Y/N. Use your words. Yes or no." He says. "Y-Yes. P-Please." You stutter, much to his amusement. "Good girl."

Jungkook's hand slides lower on your body, cupping your heat through your pajama shorts. As you moan softly, Taehyung decides to try and steal your attention, sucking on your neck harshly, and you're sure it's gonna leave a mark. You don't know who to focus on, but Jungkook makes the decision for you, his hand dipping under your waistband, the feeling of his bare fingers tracing over your slit has you bucking your hips. "Holy crap, how are you this wet already? All we've done is kiss you." He chuckles, truly astonished. "Tae, you gotta feel this."

You whimper as Jungkook's hand leaves you, but it's quickly replaced by Taehyung's, who hums against your neck. "Fuck, such a good girl, so wet for us. What is it, have you actually thought about this happening? Have we ever been on your mind when you played with yourself? I'm not gonna lie, we've thought about you. I know I walked in on Kookie moaning your name while he stroked himself. I think it was one of those nights you were screaming. Isn't that right, Jungkook?" Taehyung's deep voice rings through your ears, his finger tracing large, slow circles around your sensitive bud. You look at Jungkook through hooded lids expectantly. "I'm sorry, Y/N. I couldn't help myself. Your moans just sounded too good, I had to picture that it was me helping you, me making you scream." Jungkook admits, his confession driving you crazy. How many times has he thought of you while rubbing one out? How many times had Taehyung? If you could, would you have come over sooner, making your dirtiest secret a reality?

You've thought about it sure, once or twice, regretfully. You couldn't help it. But to know that they've thought about it to, getting off to the thought of you, it drives you absolutely insane. You push back against Taehyung, grinding on him as your hand traces down, palming Jungkook through his baggy sweatpants, the sweetest, softest sound falling from their lips. "Dirty girl. You wanna touch us? You feel the problem you caused us? I think it's your responsibility to take care of them." Taehyung growls, taking his hand out of your panties and holding it in front of your face. "Open up, sweetheart." He whispers, and you do as he says, opening your mouth for him. He pops his finger into your mouth, your lips wrapping around the digit and your tongue swirling around it, tasting yourself. He moans, Jungkook leaning forward to place soft kisses in your shoulder. "Why don't you put that slutty little mouth of yours to good use, darling? I think it'd do a lot better wrapped around our cocks than talking shit about us." Taehyung chuckles.

The three of you round the couch, the boys sitting down on the couch, looking up at you expectantly as you standing before them. "Well, what are you waiting for, baby? Be a good girl for us and get on your knees." Jungkook smirks cockily at you, sending your heart aflutter. You do as he says, dropping to your knees and kneeling on the ground in front of them. As your eyes scan over the tents in their sweatpants you lick your lips, eager to get to work. You move closer, your hands reaching out to palm both of them through the fabric, a simultaneous moan sending another wave of need through you. They shift, pulling their pants down enough for their cocks to spring out, and your breath is taken away. Taehyung's is longer and thicker, but Jungkook's is pretty with a nice little curve to it. You desperately want them in you, but you know you have to give them something first.

You spit into your hand, their eyes widening at the lewd action, before you bring your hand to Taehyung's length, a deep sigh spilling from his soft lips as you wrap your hand around him, pumping him slowly as you grab hold of Jungkook's. As you get closer to him, his breath starts quickening, the excitement of finally being able to see your pretty lips around him making him slightly nervous. Your tongue pokes out, flicking over his tip as you make eye contact with him, a shiver running through his body. Inch by inch you take him into your mouth, bobbing on him while continuing to pump Taehyung, whose long fingers are tangling in your hair, guiding you on Jungkook's cock. When he hits the back of your throat you gag, a loud moan ringing out from him as your throat contracts around him. You suck it up, tears filling your eyes as you continue to take him in as much as you can, wanting to hear as many of his moans as you can. "Y/N, fuck. Tae, I'm not gonna last long." Jungkook whimpers, his hips moving instinctively as he slowly thrusts into your mouth.

"It's okay, Kookie. Are you getting close? You wanna cum?" Taehyung cooes, brushing Jungkook's hair out of his face. "Y-Yes. Oh fuck. Baby, keep going like that, please." Jungkook begs you, and you happily comply, even picking up the pace. You moan around him, his thighs shaking under your grasp. At this point you've kind of forgotten about pumping Taehyung, knowing you'll make it up to him, but you're too focused on how fucked out Jungkook looks already. His head leaning against the back of the couch, lips parted, eyes shut tight, face flushed, and knuckles turning white as he grips the edge of the couch.

A string of incomprehensible sounds tumbles from his mouth along with loud whines and moans. "Y/N, baby, oh god." He whimpers, his legs trembling. You swirl your tongue around him, your drool spilling from your mouth, lewd slurping sounds echoing off the walls, but you don't care. The only thing you care about in this moment is driving him over the edge, and with one more flick of your tongue, that's exactly what you do, his salty cum filling your mouth, and you swallow every drop.

"What a good girl. I think she deserves a reward, don't you think, Kookie?" Taehyung asks, brushing your hair out of your face. Jungkook nods, his face still flushed. "Why don't you get on the floor, Jungkook, and lay down. Sweetheart, your knees might hurt a bit, but I promise we'll make it up to you." Taehyung orders, Jungkook laying down on the plush carpet. "Now Y/N, stand up for a moment." He says, standing up. You rise to meet him, anxious to find out what he's going to command next. The way he's taking control over the situation, even telling Jungkook what to do, has you dripping. His fingers grip the hem of your shirt, peeling it off your body, next off is your bra, his eyes lingering over your bare breasts before kneeling before you, his skin fingers hooking into the waistband of your shorts and panties. He kisses your stomach as he slides the material down your legs, letting them pool onto the floor as he admires you.

You start to feel nervous under their gaze, rocking on your heels anxiously. "Fuck, you're more beautiful than I dreamed. I can't wait until we make you ours. But first-" Taehyung says, standing up. His large hand reaches around your body, gripping the supple flesh of your ass. His thumb runs over your soft lips, his tongue running over his own. "I wanna feel what Jungkook felt. I wanna know how good your slutty mouth is for myself. Now, kneel above Jungkook's face and open your mouth for Daddy. Understand?" He whispers, the nickname making you shudder. You nod, but that doesn't seem to be enough for him. "Say it, sweetheart. Use your words." He cooes, a soft whimper coming from Jungkook on the floor. "Yes, Daddy." You nod, a low groan coming from his throat. "Good girl. Now get on your knees for us."

You comply, standing over Jungkook and sinking to your knees, his hands rubbing your thighs soothingly. Taehyung stands in front of you, and you realize why he chose to do this. With Jungkook on the floor beneath you and Taehyung standing in front of you, if you sit up straight your face is level with Taehyung's cock. You gasp as you feel cool air blown onto your core, gripping onto Taehyung's thighs for support as your legs shake. "So sensitive. Tell us, baby, when's the last time someone else touched you." Jungkook says, his finger tracing over your slit as he watches it glisten with your slick. "Uh, I think, I think it was my l-last boyfriend, Hoseok." You stutter, trying really hard to remember. "And how long ago was that?" "Maybe four months ago?" You recall the last time you slept with him, the night you broke up. "That's too long, baby. You should've come to us sooner. We would've gladly helped you out. I promise we're gonna treat you right. Plus, we're gonna make sure your perception of us changes." Jungkook says.

With that last thought, Jungkook wraps his arms around your thighs, pulling you down onto his mouth as he flattens his tongue onto you, licking up your slit. "Oh fuck." You whine, gripping onto Taehyung's sweatpants. "Come on, sweetheart, open up for me." He cooes, holding his throbbing cock in his hand. As Jungkook's tongue dips past your folds, flicking against your clit, your thighs tremble in his grasp as your mouth hangs open, Taehyung taking the opportunity to slide into your mouth, your moan sending a vibration through him. "Jesus fuck, sweetheart. No wonder Kookie came so fast." He groans. "Just keep your mouth open for me. You don't need to do anything. Just let me fuck your mouth while Jungkook tongue fucks you." You hum in approval around him as his hips move slowly, thrusting himself deeper into your mouth.

Jungkook's mouth works on you, alternating between sucking on your clit and burying his tongue into your hole, the wet muscle wiggling around and making you moan around Taehyung's cock. Taehyung holds your hair, keeping you in place as he fucks himself into your mouth, groaning deeply each time he goes too far, making you gag around him. Your hips move against Jungkook, his nose nudging against your bud each time you grind against him, sending a new wave of pleasure through you. You're embarrassed at how close you are to cumming, but you can't really focus on caring, only focusing on taking Taehyung and feeling Jungkook. One of your hands rested on Taehyung's thigh as your other tangled in Jungkook's hair, tugging gently each time he did something right, making him moan and send vibrations straight through you.

"Fuck sweetheart, you swallow my cock so well. It feels so good." Taehyung moans, and you look up at him, making eye contact. "How can you look so innocent with a cock in your mouth? You're so perfect, sweetheart, I can't wait to fill up that pretty pussy of yours and- fuck- and fi-ll it up all nice with- our- shit-" Taehyung's sentence breaks up, his voice cracking as his thrusts get sloppy, doubling over as he spills into your mouth. He tastes a bit sweet thank Jungkook, but it seems like there's a bit more for some reason. Once he pulls out you swallow, and once your mouth is empty you moan loudly as Jungkook fervently laps at your clit.

Taehyung kneels down to your level, and you instantly wrap your arms around him as you grind against Jungkook. He holds onto you, kissing your face and your neck as you moan for them. "You sound heavenly, sweetheart. Is Kookie doing a good job? Are you gonna cum all over his tongue soon?" He cooes, his hands roaming over your body. You nod, feeling the end rapidly approaching. "J-Jun-ko-mmm-" You whine, your body trembling. Taehyung bites down on your neck as Jungkook sucks on your clit harshly, sending you over the edge.

Jungkook gathers every little bit on his tongue, reveling in your sweet taste before patting your thigh. Taehyung hears it, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you up to stand. Jungkook gets up, standing behind you. He grabs your arm, spinning you around to face him and before you know it, his lips coming crashing down onto yours, his tongue immediately sliding into your mouth, and you can taste your essence. You've never been kissed with such hunger and need before, you moan into his mouth as you enjoy the feeling of really being needed and wanted.

"Sweetheart, why don't you go to my room and wait for us on the bed? It's the room on the left. I want you to lay down on your back with your legs spread nice and pretty, with your arms above your head. Got it?" Taehyung whispers in your ear. Jungkook pulls away from you, leaving you breathless. You nod, excitedly bounding to the room you were instructed. Taehyung and Jungkook watch as your hips sway, groaning simultaneously at how much they wanted you.

You climb onto the bed, laying how Taehyung instructed, wondering what they have in store for you. You wait anxiously, the thought of what could happen making you aroused again. They finally appear in the doorway, Jungkook's hands behind his back. "Look at that, Jungkook. She's so obedient for us already. All spread out for us." They stalk towards the bed, Taehyung by your lower half and Jungkook up by your head. Taehyung moves so he's sitting between your legs, your knees resting on his thighs. His hands run along your thighs, the gentle touch making you squirm. "What is it, sweetheart? Already horny again? After Jungkook just made you cum? Such a greedy little slut you are. Don't worry, you'll get what you need. Jungkook, go ahead." Taehyung hums, and you raise your eyebrow in confusion. You feel something wrap around your wrists, binding them together tightly. You try to pull them apart, but you can't, your struggle useless.

"So pretty." Taehyung cooes, his finger tracing over your slit, sending a shiver through you. "If we're gonna make you ours, we have to prepare you." He smirks, slipping a finger inside of you. You clench around him, having something inside of you feeling amazing. He quickly adds a second finger, pumping in and out. As his fingers work on you, Jungkook's hand runs from your shoulder to your breast, rubbing it gently. "Y/N, how many fingers have you taken before?" Taehyung asks. "Ah, um, two." You reply. "Well, how about we try three then?" He smirks, adding another finger inside of you. You gasp, the stretch heavenly. He curls them inside of you, his long fingers reaching deep inside of you, the heel of his palm grinding against your previously ignored clit.

"You know, you complained about how we plays games all the time, but do you realize how much gaming helps in situations like this?" Jungkook chimes in. "You see, with all the controls, our fingers have to move fast." At those words, Taehyung's fingers move faster inside of you. "Also, each hand is moving simultaneously, so it's easy to do more than one thing at a time." Taehyung's other hand moves closer, his thumb pressing down onto your clit, your body jolting at the direct contact.

The stretch of his fingers combined with his thumb working on you drives you over the edge faster than you care to admit, your walls squeezing his fingers, but he doesn't stop after helping you ride out your high. You whine loudly at the overstimulation, his hands possibly moving even faster. You gasp and shake your head, your toes curling and your legs spasming uncontrollably. "No no no no-mmmm-no no." You whimper, a tear rolling down your cheek. "No? You don't want this? I think you do, sweetheart. Just one more, come on. Cum all over Daddy's fingers just one more time." Taehyung growls. "D-Da-ddy! Fuck fuck fuuu-" You cry out, desperately wishing to grip onto something. Jungkook reaches down, pushing down just above your pelvis, and your vision goes white, screaming as you're taken over by pleasure.

This time Taehyung stops, a warm wetness covering your lower half. "No fucking way. It actually worked." Jungkook says breathily. You catch your breath, finally able to look down at what happened. You see Taehyung sitting there, breathing heavily with a devious smirk on his face, his sweater and pants soaked. "You ever squirt before, sweetheart?" He smiles. You shake your head, closing your eyes and laying your head back. "Well, then I guess that makes us special." Taehyung teases.

Both of them get up, and you watch as they strip from their clothes. You lick your lips, surprised by how built they both are. You felt Jungkook's body, but now seeing both of them standing before you, you wonder how they got like that. "We do leave our house, you know. We have gym memberships." Jungkook smirks, noticing your stare. You think about that for a moment, how sexy they'd look, all sweaty. "Baby, you think you can stand up for a minute?" Taehyung asks. You try, your legs wobbling, and Jungkook catches you. "I don't think so." He chuckles. "Well then, I guess we'll just have to hold her up." Taehyung smirks.

After some awkward shuffling, giggles, and slips, you're all situated so Taehyung is laying on the bed, holding onto your legs, and Jungkook stands in front of you, also holding onto you, keeping you hovered over Taehyung's standing cock. "Tae, I've got a hold of her. You're gonna have to help me, ugh-" "Don't worry, Kookie. No homo, right?" Taehyung chuckles. You wonder what they're talking about, but you realize when Jungkook gasps, and realize Taehyung is guiding Jungkook's length to line up with your entrance. He pushes into you, both of you moaning together as relief floods over you.

"How is it, Kookie?" Taehyung asks. "So- so so so fucking good." Jungkook moans, his head falling to rest against your shoulder. "Perfect. Alright, Y/N, this may hurt a little bit, but we'll go slow so you can get used to it. You ready?" Taehyung's hand rubs over your back soothingly. "P-Please. Just do it. I want it." You squeak, much to his surprise. "You want it that bad, huh? You want both of us to fill you up? How bad do you want it, baby. Tell Daddy how much you want it." As Taehyung talks, Jungkook stays still, relishing in the warm feeling of you pussy pulsing around him. Taehyung grabs his cock, nudging where you and Jungkook are connected. "So bad, Daddy. Please. I want it so bad." You beg.

Your arms fly around Jungkook's neck, wrists still tied together, as Taehyung pushes into you. He was right, it hurts a bit, stretching you out more than you've ever been before. You cry out, Jungkook shushing you. "Sh, hey, hey, sweetheart, look at me." He cooes. You look at him with tear filled eyes, breaking his heart. "It's okay, princess. I promise it'll get better. You're so good for us. We'll take care of you." Jungkook whispers soothingly to you, kissing your tears away. Once Taehyung is all the way in, all three of you sit there, not moving, them allowing you to get used to it. Taehyung rubs your back as Jungkook peppers your face with tender kisses.

"You okay, sweetheart?" Taehyung asks. You nod, still holding on to Jungkook tightly. "Jungkook." You whisper. "Yes, baby, what is it?" He asks, nudging your nose with his. "Please take this off. I don't want this on anymore. Please." You beg, moving your arms to show him what you mean and grabbing Taehyung's attention. "Kookie, untie her." He says, and Jungkook nods, reaching behind him and untying it with one hand expertly. As soon as you're freed you grab onto Jungkook, holding him tightly with one hand tangled in his hair. "You know, we probably should've done that before we got into this position." Jungkook chuckles. "Dude, we never think ahead." Taehyung responds and you giggle softly, shaking your head.

"Alright, I think I'm good." You nod, biting your lip. "You sure?" Jungkook asks, and you nod again. "Alright. I'm moving then." Jungkook says. The feeling of him sliding out of you, while you're still full of Taehyung, is completely indescribable. You moan softly and you feel him rub against your walls, the sweetest moan ringing through your ears from him. As he pushes back in, Taehyung pulls out, starting an unspoken synchronization that has you moaning uncontrollably, gripping onto Jungkook as right as you can as they bounce you on their cocks.

"Fuck, sweetheart. You're squeezing around us so well. You like it when we fuck you like this? Stretching out your pretty little pussy?" Taehyung growls from behind you. "Yes! Yes I fucking love it!" You cry, your breath quickening. "That's our little cock slut. Such a good girl for us. Now, do you take back everything you said about us?" He asks. "Fuck, yes! I'm sorry!" You shout, burying your face in Jungkook's neck. "Good girl. Such a good girl for Daddy and Kookie." Taehyung hums.

You start to place hot, open mouthed kissed on Jungkook's neck, nipping at it softly, and it's like that flipped a switch for him. "Fuck it, Tae, hold her. I need her to cum right now." Jungkook grunts. Taehyung takes hold of your leg as Jungkook frees one of his arms, bringing it lower. "Wha-ah!" You moan, his fingertips pressing harshly into your clit. "Oh man, holy shit!" Jungkook gasps, the pressure from his fingers making you clench around them. "Shit, Kook, keep doing that." Taehyung growls, both of them still thrusting in and out of you. "You look so good like this, baby. You're so lost in pleasure, I bet you won't even remember your name after this, huh? But you'll remember ours. Say our names, baby girl. Tell everyone in the building whose fucking you so well, stretching your pussy out, whose gonna make you cum so hard we'll have to carry you home tomorrow morning. Say it. Say our names." Jungkook says, leaving you in absolute shock. How the hell did he switch so fast?

"D-Daddy! Jungkook!" You scream out, a pleased smirk on Jungkook's face. "That's right, baby. Now, you wanna cum for us? Be a good girl and give us one more. Squeeze our cocks. Make us fill you up and make you a complete mess. Come on." He cooes, rubbing your clit even faster. "Oh, oh fuck oh fuck fuck fu-" Your cries are interrupted by your own moan, your end hit you like a freight train. "Shit shit shi-it!" Jungkook whimpers, Taehyung only growling as you squeeze around them, setting off their own orgasms. They spill into you, your pussy clenching and milking them for all their worth. They ride out the highs, fucking their cum into you before finally pulling out, laying you down and resting beside you.

"Holy shit." Taehyung breathes, all of you panting. All you can do is smile and nod, completely satisfied. You lay there, wondering if all of that really happened, or if you were actually just sleeping in your apartment. However, the warmth radiating off of the two sweaty men next to you proves it's real, especially as Jungkook turns, facing you and rubbing your thighs soothingly while Taehyung places kisses on your cheek. "Wait." Jungkook gasps, sitting up and looking at you both in shock. "We actually, like, you know. Are you in the pill or anything?" He asks. You didn't even think of that. "Uh, no, I'm not. I'm sorry. I should've thought of that. I'm so sorry." You apologize, feeling stupid. "Sh, no no no, baby, it's not your fault. We should've thought about it to. We're sorry." Jungkook cooes, holding you close to him. "I'm not." Taehyung chimes in, and you both turn to look at him in horror. "Tae, what if she gets pregnant? What's going to happen with all of us?" Jungkook asks. "Then we get a bigger apartment. Honestly, I kinda hope she gets pregnant." Taehyung smiles. "Not gonna lie, impregnation is one of my biggest kinks. Just imagine it, Kookie, her walking around with our babies inside of her. She'd be so beautiful. I mean, just look at her now. All filled with our cum. Look, there's so much it's even dripping out." He's right. You can feel it dripping, you've just ignored it.

Jungkook stays silent, only licking his lips. "And if she does get pregnant, then that just means she'll be ours for sure. What do you say, Y/N? Do you want to be ours?" Taehyung asks, rubbing your cheek. You nod, the idea of being in a relationship with them making you all kinds of excited. "That's great!" He smiles. "Y/N." Jungkook says, catching your attention. "Are you really okay with this?" He asks, and you nod. "I love you so much, Y/N. We love you so much and we're gonna take extra special care of you and appreciate you and all that kinda stuff." Jungkook smiles, placing quick pecks all over your face and neck, making you giggle. "You'll stay with us tonight, right?" Taehyung asks, snuggling up behind you. "Well, I don't think I can really walk home." You giggle. "Well then, I'd say we did a damn good job." He smirks, holding you close. Laying there, cuddled by your noisy neighbors, now lovers, you wonder how so much could've changed in just a few hours. You're not complaining though. Before you drift off to sleep, you imagine how interesting your life will be from now on.

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 3x21 Graduation Day Part 1

aka give us a kiss with a fist

Welcome to this dailyish text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and rant about it in 10-3k words. What you can expect: long run-on sentences and disjointed observations, often focused on one tiny detail about the episode. What you shouldn’t be expecting: actual reviews that make sense.

And today’s episode has a lot of everything, but I guess I’ll mainly just talk about Buffy and Faith. It’s been like 5 days since my last Fuffy rant anyway.

First of all, I wanna give a shout out to the anon namedropping the Still Pretty podcast into my inbox the other day. Congrats, I binged through the s1-s2 discussions already, and while I often don’t agree with a lot of points, it also put me into this weirdly critical headspace now. So there’s that.

But you know what, we’re gonna ignore a lot of that. There’s a lot of cool stuff in Graduation Part 1 that I like, even with some of those positively weird and questionable slices.

I mean the whole argument between Buffy and Angel is basically just reminding me that I too just want this to be done now? And you know what, here’s a hot take - Angel had no business there with Buffy on that crime scene. She didn’t want him there, she didn’t need him there, so of course she was annoyed with him. She doesn’t need to be the mature one when he’s the one adding nothing to this operation.

I also have a lot of mixed feelings about Anya and Xander at this point. The writing just went from 0 to 100 on the whole Anya likes Xander subplot and it’s weird.

Okay, over to some of the stuff I liked.

Buffy and Joyce’s scene here paints a nice picture of how far they’ve come. There’s something sweet about Joyce understanding what her daughter needs. Even if it is her staying away. (Which also somewhat foreshadows Joyce’s minimized role in the upcoming season.)

The difference between where they were at the end of s2 and s3 is also palpable if you look at the ever-present coming out metaphor.

Buffy:  Mom, I know that sometimes you wish I were different. Joyce:  Buffy, no.

Speaking of which, here’s also some delightfully out of context Bi Buffy reference for you all:

Willow (to Buffy):  You can’t do both? Xander:  Both what?

She can and she will, of course. But that’s for when I decide to re-read season 8 comics. I don’t know if there’s enough rant to cover all the nonsense in those though...

Buffy also has a lot of opinions about the Council, and that made me cheer. It’s so weird that we’re even now still treating the Council like this authoritative force, when Buffy pretty much told them to fuck off in Helpless. Now she’s just making it more official.

Wesley: The Council's orders are to concentrate on... Buffy: Orders? I don't think I'm gonna be taking any more orders.

Love that for my girl.

I guess in that context Buffy turning her back on the council isn’t necessarily about them, but about her turning her back on authority in general. Buffy saw the order and the system under which the world operates and she rejects it. She is here to carve out her own way, to truly “graduate���.

Meanwhile Faith has surrendered herself to the system and the Mayor’s authority. But there’s also nuance in that choice, thanks to the relationship the two develop along the way. Faith is following orders, but she’s also doing things her own way, and she clearly craves the direction she has thanks to the Mayor’s tutoring. There appears to be genuine affection between them, and much like between Buffy and Giles, a textual father-daughter relationship.

Faith even opens up a bit, talking about her mother and her childhood. During those moments was when I wondered about the Mayor’s treatment of her the most. He doesn’t seem to push her to talk and open up more about those experiences, and part of me wants to think that it’s because the Mayor has Ascension on his mind, and doesn’t actually have that much of a genuine care for Faith and to connect with those parts of her... On the other hand, pushing Faith to open up is a guarantee for her to shut down, and he probably knows that.

It’s... a tough line. Because I do think that the Mayor loves Faith, but it’s closer to the kind of love vampires have for each other, than truly selfless love. In my opinion, he mostly wants to mold Faith into the daughter he wishes to have in her.

Mayor: You look lovely. Perfect for the Ascension. Any boys that manage to survive will be lining up to ask you out. Faith: It just isn't me, though.

I know, Faith. The Mayor is so weirdly obsessed and heteronormative about Faith’s love life, he really is like any classically hellish parental figure.

Which brings us to Faith’s real obsession: Buffy.

I like that while we’re showing Faith seemingly relaxed about her whole position with the Mayor, we also see her murdering a punching bag, and having those half-finished sentences about her childhood. Despite everything, you still get the sense that there’s a lot of stuff going under the surface that Faith isn’t dealing with.

Having seen Five by Five also changes the entire context of the fight scene between Faith and Buffy. It of course begins with an innuendo, as all fights between the two do, but the end is what truly sets the mood and leaves me with a deep impression.

As Faith stands there at the edge of the balcony after Buffy stabs her, telling her ‘what a ride’ it was... You get the sense that this is how Faith saw it end all along. She’s been falling ever since she betrayed Buffy, and it was only ever going to end one way.

Giles tells Buffy that Faith ‘has her at a disadvantage’, because she’s willing to kill or whatever, but I don’t think that was ever true. Faith may kill people, but it’s not because she’s motivated. She’s certainly not motivated to kill Buffy.

Faith is just... going through the motions. She’s lost all her drive. Nothing seems to penetrate her heart.

Buffy on the other hand is highly motivated to save Angel. And that is the ultimate blow to Faith. Faith being in love with Buffy has been the rapidly textual subtext for the entire season, even if the Mayor of course tried to retcon it into Faith wanting Angel, or some other nonsense. But textual or subtextual, Faith’s actions were always about Buffy, one way or another.

And here Buffy is, ready to kill Faith in the hope of saving Angel’s life. That’s how little Buffy seemed to have cared about Faith in the end.

I’m not sure how much that played into Faith’s mental state, but I do believe that at this point, she was just tired. She was ready for it to end, much like in that haunting, unforgettable scene at the end of Five by Five.

And yet even then, she did one last favor for Buffy. She chose to take that last fall on her own terms.

There is an interesting question of what Buffy would’ve done if Faith didn’t take away that choice from her. When she stabs Faith, you can see the pure shock and horror on her face as it dawns on her what she’s done. Sure, she went to Faith’s place with this exact goal, but she wasn’t truly prepared to kill. And certainly not to kill Faith.

You can see in SMG’s face throughout this whole sequence, how horrified she is. Which definitely makes me think that she probably would’ve taken Faith to the hospital herself after that... but on the other hand, it’s Angel. And we’ve seen time and time again how much Buffy was willing to give up, even of herself for him. That was sort of the point of their whole relationship falling apart - the fact that they were constantly on the verge of losing themselves in each other.

So I find this a fascinating what-if scenario that I don’t know the answer to. Buffy killing Faith for Angel in that moment would’ve fundamentally changed her character. And I can’t say with certainty, that she wouldn’t have gone through with it after the shock subsided.

That’s why I love Faith for taking away that choice from Buffy. Because even if she were to die, her taking that jump meant that she would’ve died for nothing here, becoming a constant reminder and warning for Buffy about taking a life.

Killing another human being should be pointless and horrifying. That’s the lesson Faith chooses to teach Buffy in what could’ve been her final moments.

Meanwhile on Less Fucked Up Relationship Land, we have Oz and Willow “panicking”. I love them and they’re delightful, and I don’t have much else to say about that, other than that’s at least something much lighter to close on.

Sadly, I’ll probably only get to watch Part 2 about a week from now, but at least I’ll have plenty to process up until then.

[ellyzsx]

Story time

Suicidal thoughts run keen through my head. Driving through Krakow country side I saw a housing estate next to lovely tall trees - forest like - and thought what a lovely area to be able to play as children. Then I wondered which is the tallest tree could I hang myself from? No former context, no sadness, just my empty emotions triggering my brain to tell myself I should be dead. This is how my life is now.

I dream most days and nights of my life ending in disasters. Lachesism. I say I'm scared of when lorrys drive to close or fast past me. But I'm scared for the moments when they don't kill me. People point out that I drive recklessly because they are afraid of the end; I'm not afraid. Driving that way feels like freedom, my chance to escape, even with intent to cause self harm.

I don't want a grave stone, I don't want my ashes to be spread. I want my organs donated and the rest burnt. The ashes can be used in cooking because I am one spicy mother fucker! Joking!! Don't worry, I really just want them turned in to jewelry so I can still shine while I'm gone.

The ironic thing about my situation is that I want to die to end my suffocating thoughts but at the same time I still have little bits of me that knows some of my self worth. Contradictory as it may be, I probably laugh and smile everyday without a doubt but my thoughts of disaster never leave. I work and study hard but I'm still occasionally believe I am a failure in my mind; like I'm always worse than everyone in the room. I love people and helping out everyone, but I think everyone hates me and would be better off not having me around. It's complicated in my mind.

I feel on the road to recovery, I can admit that I'm not okay when I don't feel okay, I know the past history that has gotten me to how I am and I'm seeking help; 3rd increase dose of Anti-depressants, Cognative Behavioural Therapy and many other forms of help I can get. I have supportive friends and family, I'm very lucky that I have my dream career job and I get to go on amazing holidays like just travelling in Poland for the past weekend. I just don't know what it is that drives myself hatrid other than... well myself.

It's a viscious cycle that I can't get escape. I'm motivated and feeling fine one day, something goes wrong very easily that affects me for weeks and then I find a little bit of motivation to build myself back up and it happens again... and again... and again. I try and count my blessings but in order to do that I draw Venn diagrams to see the wrong, okay and right things in my life. It's an occasional thing and the amount of varience I get each time seems like a uncoordinating joke. But It gives me a sense of assurance when things are okay or right for a few weeks in a row.

I've been taught many coping mechanisms in my past 4 years of anxiety and depression. Even writing them down in this form feels weirdly like a strategy. I'm explaining my dark and ugly, following my long journey ahead, and explaining what works for me. Even if one person gains usefulness then this is all worth it.

As we are on the topic of helpfulness: I like being helpful - it gives me a purpose other than selfish motives. If I've been helpful to one person and not to the rest of the crowd I feel like a failure. I desire to be the famous hero who didn't do it for fame but for the sheer enjoyment of people liking them and for a purpose in other people's lives. So I try to help - I volunteer at my local explorer scout group, I help raise and organise charity events, I help and support friends and family. I even try to go the extra mile at work to raise awareness of women in engineering to help inspire and shape them little girls to be the change our industry needs. I also help educate teams on mental well-being and illnesses with in the work place to bring the awareness to here and now.

All positive were written there, but the underlying negative abuse I hurl at myself for everything I've not been enough help on or not doing at all hurts:

"I'm not helpful I'm just in the way, I'm pathetic, I'm a waste of space, they don't need me, they'd be better off without me, it's not working you're a failure, you are making it more worse, stop trying you aren't a good person for doing it."

Just as them thoughts constantly pass through my mind another extreme example from this evening I write on - I was on the train back from Birmingham walking through derby station, I had the thought that I could run away on any train go ahead and not look back and when I'm on the train I can take every single tablet I own and swallow it to die. Or i could come back another night with a home made bomb and make sure I'm in a carraige with no people in it. Why not die? Make it a dramatic escape. Even in the last few typed words I had the thought of jumping in front of a train which would take no effort and only affect 1 person's life than my own. Why do I have these thoughts? Am I a physco path planning my death at every opportunity?

Reading back the first few paragraphs I see how contradicting my thought patterns are. Living with Anxiety and Depression for me is being followed by a voice, it knowing all my insicurities and how to use them against me. It gets to a point where it's the loudest voice in a room, that I can't hear anything else. I don't remember a time when it wasn't like this, when the voices didn't make me feel empty and alone inside. What's even worse is a lot of the people I have opened my heart to have let me down, causing me to shut down further.

My past history is not brilliant, I never felt secure with my friends, I was harassed in college and I've always struggled to maintain my apperance. I've been through some tough break ups of friends and partners and my relationships with family has not always been stable. One thing I find hard is to love myself and know myself worth when the people around you don't like you and tell you that you aren't good enough. But through all this at the same time I've had some amazing times.

I do want to be happy. I just feel useless most days. I try not to complain but the grass isn't always greener and I feel in constant mud. It sounds pathetic but I feel like I'm in a rut. At the moment everything is fine with friends and work. It I don't feel important. I don't feel as if there is any worth to my day's. I get up, go to work, and then do nothing until I get home and sleep. I mean sure I go to netball, dance, yoga and I volunteer at a scout group but it doesn't feel like I'm doing any of it for myself and I'm slowly giving up on trying to please those around me.

But I guess I do it for the hope of my future, for the one, for the wedding, for the kids, for the house, for the lazy Sunday morning lie ins with the loved ones. It's all a fantasy.

Tonight at explorers we were doing first aid training and one scenario was that one of the boys had a cut on his wrist and he was bleeding out. Through those discussions I was thinking how I could slit my wrists and drown in the bath and no one would be able to put me in the recovery position. Another perfect idea but inconveniencing whomever finds me. It doesn't sicken me thinking of myself this way. Maybe it's how I'm meant to be.

My mum tells me I should think positive thoughts but it's like an urge to plan how I should die. Another disaster I saw was a crash this morning. I wish I was in the place of the other person.

Not paying attention to lectures is becoming a really bad habit. I still haven't started writing for my digital assignment which is due in 5 days! But I have decided I would like to end up working for the Naval group in Adelaide Australia! I finally have an aim!! It feels good and when I travel there next year I will get to see if it's what I desire!

Another person has just unfriended me on Snapchat? What the hell have I done wrong now? I'm getting sick of being made out to be the bad guy all of the time :/ And now Facebook!! All for shutting him down over complaining that people can't be themselves or get offended. I've had enough of this work force, it literally is a battle every week just to keep peace. I don't want to listen to your political opinion every 2 minutes I'm sorry but I'm here to work. The ignorance of some people.

Do you know what I'm going to work my arse off and start this assignment today and prepare the manufacturing question to prove to the haters that they only make me more powerful :) oh the contrast in these paragraphs is funny.

This afternoon I spoke to my mum on how all my emotional trauma started. She understands now and it feels like a relief to be honest. I've just been to netball and I feel like I've played really well!

I have decided on a main goal within my career! Naval group Adalaide Australia! (Not long term but a few years in Australia won't do me harm in my life time! Now I've explored the majority of Europe it's time to step in to the big leagues!) Naval group design submarines for the Australian Navy and with my career path I hope that I will have the opportunity to be able to try and apply for a job there some day in the next 15 years! Now I just need to maintain motivation.

What to do when motivation is running low in the future:

• Find the worth of what you are doing

• research and re-inspire!

• be powerful enough to overcome the ruts!

• believe in yourself - you are capable!

• remove any distractions

I just read a quote that said 'don't worry darling this is just a chapter, not your whole story' and I thought well it's a fucking long one! I'm sat drinking mocha staring outside of a uni window in a corridor I look so depressed it's funny! I just needed to get away from the noise and the stress. I only want to talk to one person but he doesn't know that and it's starting to stress me out but it's my own fault for falling for him when he told me not to. On the plus side I definitely want a nice view in my house when i move to Aussie! I mean looking outside to wet britain it's really nice but sunny aus will be tonnes better!

I'm stressed, my brain hurts and I'm tired. I really want this assignment gone. I'm physically in pain from yoga and I'm exhausted :( moan moan moan moan I'm even pissing myself off. I could do with a power nap or somewhere comfortable to sit. I also miss my earphones :(

Just met a lovely man and had a chinwag it was distracting but it's nice to get to know people without it being depressing all the time!

I was in a one night stand with a 28 year old in a 7 year relationship. Put myself on tinder.

I'm tired of people they never fail to disappoint me

Netball is good though! Proper enjoyed chatting with everyone! Good stress relief and even though I haven't done much it took my mind off the crap earlier.

It's been a while

It's working

I feel ok

I'm no longer a mess

I can stop these thoughts

I counter act them

Not everyone hates me