#And yeah reminder I discuss some of the negative/harder topics here and not just what I like

[dimiclaudeblaigan]

I really hate the inconsistencies that exist just to make SB (and CF technically) work, but also how hard Petra basically simps for Edelgard to the point it deconstructs aspects of her character.

In Houses she mentions her siblings being in danger if she died, but in SB she just doesn't even make any mention of them in this situation. She's just willing to possibly die all of a sudden for someone who never actually treated Brigid like its people were independent (which she could've done at literally any time from the moment she became emperor). She was relatively vocally I guess you could say "good" to Petra, but the way the writing handles Petra's response to all of it feels like Petra's just been brainwashed.

Petra says she would always choose survival and makes a point to emphasis that, but in SB she's completely and carelessly willing to risk her life and possibly throw it away... for Edelgard? Who still has not actually officially freed Brigid? And if Petra were to stop being Edelgard's ally?

"Reconsideration". Because Brigid was never freed and now they're not going to be as long as Edelgard is in charge, because their queen is no longer bending to her will and fighting for her. If she was ever truly planning to free Brigid, Petra's decision alone not to fight for her shouldn't have changed that fact (especially since she supposedly gives her the choice in Houses to fight for her or not, and on non CF routes she does this by sending a letter, to which Petra refuses).

It should, of course, be obvious with this that everything is very not hunky dory between Adrestia and Brigid, but then...

...eh wot hooligans???

I mean sure, if you considered forced vassalage to be "peace" and not being a free people "peace" then sure. But like... it's not a peace her people want and she should know that, but the game tends to do this back and forth with this topic. I hate it though because it makes it come across as being forced into submission and not having the means to fight back is "peace".

I know this game has lots of issues with uh, if you're attacked or if you were defeated by another military force you should submit and be happy about being taken over, and when you can't fight back anymore that's "peace" because nobody's fighting... but uhh... why is that only an issue with the Empire? I mean, we know why - the devs wanted to walk with her and they admitted it! But like... they should still know when they're writing something reeeeally icky.

Duscur doesn't have this problem and they're not under Edelgard's foot. Anything under Edelgard's foot though is treated like they should be thankful for her control and/or invasion(s). That just overall sends a really nasty message. I don't know that the devs meant to do that as far as an Empire, but I do think it's because they went a little hard with the Edelgard bias and somehow forgot what it would look like to an audience playing the game.

It's like they know it's not a good thing but they keep pushing the "Brigid isn't actually free but it's still peace because nobody is fighting" narrative.

Like... I don't care how much you love a character you're writing. You can't tell me that oppressed nations would just call oppressions "peace" or that their leaders would be more than happy to fight and die for the leader of the nation oppressing them. It gets even worse when you get into the racial territory of it, but that's a topic I've already covered so I'm not gonna go over it again here.

[re-strictedaccess]

Paywalls & Privacy: Chat GPT Helps Me Out

Hello all,

It’s mysterious_maple, back to hit you with my final post on this blog. Boy oh boy, how time flies! Later on, I’ll be pairing up with an AI bot called ChatGPT to help with this blog post. This week’s topic in our Digital Humanities class is all about conspiracy theories. 

Recently, I watched a Ted Talk by Elise Wang called “Why some conspiracy theories just won’t die.” Throughout her talk, Elise explains why people hold onto conspiracy theories in the first place and how information against what you believe will most likely make you hold onto your beliefs harder. Also, if facts don’t match our experiences of things, we find a story to make them fit, or to make them comprehensible.

In addition to this, the idea of the radicalization of social media and the internet is brought up. Basically, Wang says that the more radical (or exciting) a post or segment is, will cause you to keep clicking. Online communities form out of these radical ideas, connecting over the theme of placing the blame of suffering on different, often marginalized, groups of people.

Now, I’ve completed preliminary research on online communities and what their benefits and drawbacks are. They help shape and form identity, and promote inclusion amongst many who may not find a place to belong, or who have difficulty finding others who share their beliefs, in the real world. The online world allows them to find and secure a spot where their views are heard and seen. However, this can be taken to the extreme when we are discussing radical online communities. 

The moment we all have been waiting for…the teaming up of ChatGPT and I. I asked ChatGPT, “Do you believe radical communities should be allowed on social media?” and here was its response (with some of my commentary added into it). The bot’s text is in red font and my commentary is in blue font.

As an AI language model, I do not have beliefs or opinions, but I can provide information on this topic.

Haha, yeah right, the disclaimer to remind me that it’s still a robot and doesn’t have feelings or opinions. Thanks, Chat!

The question of whether radical communities should be allowed on social media is a complex one, and there are arguments both for and against it.

We like a robot who considers ALL sides involved.

On the one hand, allowing radical communities on social media can be seen as a form of free speech, and can provide a platform for individuals with unpopular or marginalized views to express themselves and connect with others who share their beliefs. 

Ah, yes. I do believe it is incredibly important for marginalized communities to be empowered and feel like they have support, including having their voices be heard. This can create a safe and open space for others to connect via the internet, which is beneficial to their mental health. 

Additionally, monitoring and regulating these communities can be difficult, and there is a risk that any attempt to do so could infringe on the rights of individuals to express themselves and associate with others.

Freedom of speech is definitely in question when it comes to social media and the internet. Free doesn’t mean that they have the right to express discriminatory messages about other communities or generally accepted thoughts in a culture. Free speech and hate speech do not go together.

On the other hand, allowing radical communities on social media can also have negative consequences. These communities may promote hate speech, incite violence or harassment, and spread misinformation or propaganda. They can also serve as echo chambers, reinforcing extreme views and isolating individuals from diverse perspectives and experiences.

You can run into an issue such as isolating individuals into one singular belief in communities such as the incel community. This example is composed of mainly mentally ill community members who gather together and share the same or similar (mostly negative) opinions about women. Sometimes these opinions can build off of one another and the community members engage and heighten the extremes of their radical opinions, which can lead to violent events and attacks occurring in real life.

Ultimately, the decision of whether to allow radical communities on social media should be weighed carefully, taking into account the potential benefits and risks. Social media platforms have a responsibility to balance the right to free speech with the need to protect their users from harm, and may need to take action in cases where these communities are found to be promoting harmful or illegal activities.

You know what this reminds me of? A centralized internet. Think about it, social media is controlled by a handful of main corporations. These companies filter through what we can see and say on a daily basis. What we are exposed to, what shapes our beliefs, and ultimately what forms our identities, are all run by powerful people behind computer screens. It is up to them to delete, de platform, and “protect” its users from harsh or inappropriate content. But who are they to decide what exactly is inappropriate, or something that isn’t fit for social media use? Sure, we need media and digital literacy when using the internet. However, we must remember that what we see is already filtered to the likings of another before we lay our eyes upon it.

Anyways, I agree with what the ChatGPT bot had to say. Whatever content it’s putting together and reflecting seems to fit well with my own personal opinions. I believe that radical content which leads to conspiracy theories can be controlled to some extent before it gets to the point of real life action. However, the question of WHO controls what is said or blocked on the internet is a whole issue in itself. And if our internet was fully decentralized, who would be responsible to stop hate-filled radical communities? I don’t know the answers to my own questions, but there’s some food for thought. 

It was a pleasure posting for you all. Have a great life!

[bigskydreaming]

#when i read about tim i often kind of come to the idea that he's relatively self centered#and that can be both a flaw and a strength#but he doesn't often consider other people's feelings and circumstances#like when dick made damian robin he didn't really consider the situation from anyone else's view#or in his origin story#he doesn't seem to consider how dick would feel about hearing how tim was affected by dick's parents' death#or with the spyral situation#or in regards to him earning robin#and its pretty consistent in fandom characterization even if a lot of writers don't seem to be aware of it#its interesting cause i think its something i think he has in common with bruce#its honestly a surprisingly consistent thing from what i see#and it can be a strength to#it can absolutely lead to some confidence and self actualization#as well as being able commit to fixing something and working hard at it#because you believe you can and don't think anyone else can/will do it via @emenerd

Y’know, what’s interesting to me about these points is the fact that like.....Tim having tendencies towards self-centeredness is actually something that COMPLETELY makes sense and can be quite sympathetic in light of his backstory of having neglectful parents.

In an age of armchair diagnosticians eager to label anyone who expresses a controversial viewpoint while centering themselves as an example, as like, having a narcissistic personality disorder (and with the loaded implication that this makes them a bad person even if its true, instead of just....having a disorder, yay weaponizable ableism) like, it can be important to add in distinctions that even tendencies that share overlap with a lot of things born of entitlement, etc....aren’t always necessarily proof of that.

For instance, in Tim’s case, an overemphasis on himself and his own position in situations and arguments can very reasonably be attributed as a coping mechanism he developed in an attempt to acknowledge and address self-esteem issues he sees himself as having, DUE to parental neglect.

Its not that he thinks he’s the most important person in the room, necessarily, its that he spent so many years not even being considered a person in the room, that now he OVERCOMPENSATES on his own behalf, in an attempt to remind himself that no, his opinion and feelings and situations do matter.....and because he like most of the Bat-characters has a tendency towards hyper-fixating on a problem they’re trying to address, this can also understandably create a kind of tunnel vision. Where he’s so busy focusing on what he’s diagnosed as an actual issue he has that he’s trying to address or make up for, in order to build up his self-esteem....that he neglects to keep everyone around him equally centered in his interactions with them, and remember that like, they have their own issues and ignoring that to focus entirely on his own runs the risk of negatively impacting them in the exact same way he’s still learning to cope with having been negatively impacted in his development as a child.

None of this makes him a bad person, or is stuff that can’t be addressed and developed just by paying the appropriate attention to it and his interactions.

SO the issue I tend to more often have....

Is with how often in fandom and fanon we hear references to Tim’s neglect and emotional abuse and how this impacted him.....much in the same way we see Jason and Cass and Damian and Dick’s various forms of abuse and the developmental impact it had on them....

BUT there tends to then be a disconnect, IMO, because that acknowledgment of the WHAT of Tim’s neglect and abuse and the HOW it hurt him.....isn’t often followed up by an examination/awareness of how it also SHAPED him.....at least, not compared to how discussions/fics about say, Jason’s abuse tend to point out the latter as much as the former.

And this is a big part of my gripe with the ways abuse is centered and tackled as a topic in fics and fandom discussions, because its so often capitalized upon as a defense or shield for a character from criticism, stuff like that.....without ever actually EXPLORING the topic itself, or the FULLNESS of the impact it can have.

But only in regards to some characters.

What I mean is like....we see a lot of focus on Jason’s childhood abuse, yeah? And this often is then connected through headcanons, meta and fics to various aspects of Jason’s characterization as a teenager, and as an adult as well.....with a tendency towards anger or violence, abrasive personality, etc. Don’t get me wrong, its usually presented as such in a SYMPATHETIC light, especially when raised by fans of Jason themselves.....but his abuse is very much present and centered in fics and discussions as something that not only impacted him and made him suffer, but something that actually shaped him to varying degrees as well....with a lot of focus then in fics of him as an adult, like, paid to him going to therapy and unpacking his childhood abuse in an effort to WORK on these aspects of himself that make his present day life harder or less healthy than he’d like it to be. The issue of how his abuse lent itself to various behaviorisms is raised in order to address various byproducts of his abuse as FLAWS that he seeks to eliminate, in order to make himself happier and make himself someone that people want to be around more.

And again, don’t get me wrong - for the most part, this is a GOOD thing. The caveat here is just a personal dislike I have for how often these narratives smack of a kind of saviorism, and act like it was only through the grace of Bruce and becoming part of the Batfam that Jason’s ever afforded the opportunity to better himself as a person. I dislike the hell out of this because it not only pairs all too well with a lot of classist shit, it feeds into the singular narrative we’re so often presented with by media about abused kids: the myth of the victim being destined to become a victimizer, it all being an inevitable cycle. The reason this myth is so easily perpetuated is the exact reason I’m so critical of the saviorism in a lot of abused-Jason fics.....people can very easily fall into the trap of assuming that abused kids are likely to grow up to be abusers because they never have anyone to TEACH them that abuse is wrong, or to lead by healthy example. 

The harm of this perception is that it kinda throws under the bus every kid who never lucks out and gets a Bruce Wayne style savior swooping in to not only save them from their abusive environs, but TEACH them that they deserved better and that abuse is wrong. 

Because its like, uh, the thing is, plenty of abused kids who never get a personal mentor or savior figure are fully capable of figuring out for themselves that they deserve better and that people hurting them is wrong, because it makes them feel bad and they don’t like that? 

Many abused kids don’t grow up in a media vacuum where they simply have no access to glimpses of lives different from their own.....we see kids having happier, healthier family lives on TV or in books and are able to figure out that society overall thinks that’s what family is SUPPOSED to look like, and its ours that is the aberration? 

The very fact that we’re taught or have it instilled in us by abusive parents that like, we’re not to bring up instances or examples of our abuse to teachers or friends, that its a SECRET, is like, usually a dead giveaway that there’s something WRONG with it that we’re being instructed - and enforced with abusive consequences - to keep from alerting others to....like, this is basically a blaring siren to a lot of us that no, what’s happening to us ISN’T normal and acceptable, and that’s literally WHY the parent we’re afraid of is so insistent on us keeping the facts of it hidden? 

And so like, tons of abused kids figure out for ourselves the difference between right or wrong, based off nothing more than our own feelings about things and a desire to not be like the people who make us feel miserable - like, never underestimate the power of spite to like, keep a kid from growing up doing the same thing to others that was done to them, lol. 

But point being, lots of kids never get a Bruce Wayne figure to take them away from their abuse and also teach them that they never deserved it and how not to pass the hurt forward by doing the same things to others. And its kinda condescending as fuck that we so often see narratives that take it as so obvious it barely merits commenting on, that like, ‘of COURSE abused kids grow up to become abusers if they don’t have someone else step in and show them a better way’....mmm, no. Fuck that. But you get what I mean.

So like, its a mixed bag. Its a good thing, to see Jason-centric stories that show him addressing his childhood and seeking just a more fuller, happier, healthier life for himself. Its a less great thing to see this narrative presented as all encompassing, with it never being raised that no, Jason actually could figure out he deserved better and how to treat people in ways he’d want to be treated even without a billionaire guardian angel.....NOT because the narrative wherein someone helps an abused kid figure out what was wrong about how they were treated is like, NEVER valid....but rather it just becomes a problem when looked at as a data point against the larger tapestry of fandom-wide works....and noticing that this specific narrative is pretty much the ONLY one raised or treated as valid. With it just being ASSUMED to be the natural course of events and characters, rather than just....the direction society overall has their perceptions of abuse steered towards due to a singular and constantly reinforced abuse narrative shown to us in media.

And the way this all plays back into my point about Tim and what took me down this road in general.....

Is that disconnect I was talking about, lies specifically in HOW Tim is often acknowledged and regarded as an abuse survivor due to his emotional abuse and neglect......with this abuse and its impact on HIM often taking center stage, much the way Jason’s abuse and its impact takes center stage in his narratives.....

BUT with a key difference being that while a lot of Jason’s narratives go on to denote the specific ways his abuse helped SHAPE him and his interactions with others, and raise and address the ways in which he can better himself and his relationships by unpacking all of this openly....

Most of the stories about Tim’s abuse/neglect tend to just STOP at the awareness of its existence and impact on him. Never taking it that one step further to examine how those specific forms of abuse could have additionally SHAPED him....in ways that sometimes negatively impact those around him and his own loved ones, even if this is completely unintentional on his part. The difference, the disconnect, lies solely in how rarely its ever acknowledged that Tim’s own upbringing can and does play directly into how he interacts with people later on in life.....and in ways that he’s fully capable of addressing and bettering himself so as to be happier and healthier just in his own life, and in his relationships, as someone others want to be around.

Aaaaand once you actually examine or consider WHY there’s this discrepancy between the full ramifications of Tim’s abuse and that which various siblings of his underwent, when there’s full agreement that what he did go through absolutely can be termed abusive as well....like, its the implications of what about Tim makes him more naturally resistant or whatever to being shaped by his abuse in ways that have actual negative impact on others in his life, whereas the same isn’t true of say, Jason.....that’s when the red flags start to go up for me, and the unintended subtext starts to get Less Than Stellar, IMO.

Anyway. Just food for thought on the subject of Tim, his upbringing, the various impacts this had on not JUST him but also on how he interacts with others, and ways in which all of this compares and contrasts with how the subject of abuse is raised and depicted in regards to other Batkids.

[starstruck-xavier]

For the bthb Don't Let Them See You Cry for Moceit

Lavender

tysm for the request! i had fun writing this one, i hope you enjoy <33 another fic for @badthingshappenbingo​

ao3 || wattpad || bthb masterpost || fanfic masterpost

words: 1627 ships: moceit (up to your interpretation) warnings: verbal fighting/arguing, nothing physical prompt: don’t let them see you cry fandom: sanders sides

summary: Patton has never liked the sound of fighting, but at least someone catches onto that. bingo card and fic under the cut!

X = finished, O = work in progress i’m still taking requests!

~

Patton has never liked the sound of fighting.

He knows that these arguments usually get resolved, that it’s very rare nowadays for the sides to hold extensive, serious grudges against each other thanks to the improvement in communication that they’d all been practicing with Thomas, but this is six characters all trapped within the confines of one man’s imagination and the laws of physics out in the real world. They can’t be separated from each other for alone time that easily. Everyone is always everywhere.

Individual words can’t even be distinguished from the quarrel that Logan and Roman are having, yelling meaningless insults at each other, Patton and Virgil merely caught in the fray. About five minutes of this has transpired with Virgil becoming more and more fidgety until he sinks out with an apologetic look to Patton, not even noticed by the other two quarrelling.

He’s the dad character, he should be able to stop them from fighting! But whenever he opens his mouth, the lump in his throat threatens to rise and spill his tears. And then what would they think of him? He can’t let them see him cry. Even though everyone’s been comforting and supportive of him through his more emotional days, this is a different situation. Roman and Logan are too caught up in their argument to think about timeout or indoor voices.

So, Patton waits, blinking rapidly, breathing deeply, waiting for a moment of silence so he can clear his throat and cause them to realise just how loud they’re being. Thomas probably has one hell of a headache. It’s getting harder and harder to watch the two sides argue, their quarrels clearly straying from the topic they’d first started on. However, just as Patton thinks he’s about to break, he feels a tugging that alerts him to being summoned elsewhere.

When he rises up again, he’s in a room that doesn’t look extremely familiar, but the black and yellow theme gives away just who’s it is.

“Janus?” Patton scans around the room until he lays eyes on the newly accepted side. "I’m— I'm just moderating a discussion in the common room. Do you need anything?”

"I’d hardly call it a ‘discussion’, Patton. I’ve been listening." Narrowing his mismatched eyes with suspicion, Janus walks over slowly and touches his gloved fingertips to Patton’s chin, gazing into watery eyes. "Don’t try to force your tears down. You’ve got a lot bottled up in there.”

Instinct compels him to deny that he’s feeling anything negative, plaster a smile on his face and force his voice up a pitch to uphold his sunny disposition, but then Patton remembers who he’s talking to. Janus can spot lies, that’s his function. Still, the moral trait simply takes off his glasses to rub at his eyes, not ready to let everything go just yet. “Logan and Roman are just… arguing. It’s a little much. They didn’t even notice when Virgil left.”

Janus hums in thought, then perks up as he has an idea. "I’ll go out there for you and handle things. I think that if I try to join in as myself it’ll set them off further, so, may I impersonate you for the time being? I know they both have a soft spot for you, but I saw how upset you looked watching them. You can stay here.”

Ever since Janus’ multiple impersonation plots, he’s learned to ask for permission before shifting into another side’s look. As reluctant as he was when Thomas decided to get everyone to work on better communication, he’s aware now that taking someone’s place without letting them know will cause confusion and general discord, and so he awaits Patton’s answer, hearing a distant ‘falsehood’ screech through the walls.

"Yes… please. Y— You don’t have to—“ Patton starts, but Janus shushes him gently.

"I know I don’t have to, but I want you to feel better." The snake skin on Janus’ face starts to fade as he alters his appearance to mirror the side in front of him. "I won’t be back soon, and then you can’t tell me everything that’s been on your mind lately." He smirks humorously, eliciting a more genuine smile from Patton, then conjures a pair of glasses and clears his throat, feeling his larynx lift upwards to accommodate the difference in voice patterns that the two exhibit. "Don’t go anywhere, kiddo!”

There’s no flaw in how Janus captures his voice with a dorky movement of his shoulders, making Patton chuckle to himself for a moment, then all the smiles leave him as soon as he’s left alone. He makes his way to Janus’ bed and sits down, leaning against the wall and hearing muffled conversation in the common room.

"Okay, guys, let’s not fight anymore.”

"Oh, my apologies, Patton. We must’ve figuratively strayed from the original topic.”

"Yeah, because Calculator Watch over here is being too stubborn to listen to my idea!”

"I was listening, it’s just preposterous!”

“Logan! Roman!”

A few seconds of silence drift through the air, then… "Where did Virgil go?”

"He left about five minutes ago. Poor kiddo must be pretty anxious.”

That reminds him - Virgil. He’s been on Patton’s mind for some time as well, adding to the mountain of emotions lodging in his throat. The kind, apologetic look he’d received from the anxious side before he left feels strangely refreshing after the buildup of tension between the two, ever since the whole puppet video. They’ve definitely made an effort to repair their friendship - Patton treats Virgil more like his intimidating self while still maintaining a doting, fatherly attitude and Virgil tries not to direct his outbursts towards him - but still, it seems like something’s missing. Patton just wants his best friend back.

The thought sends his tears overboard, and within a matter of seconds he’s stifling his sobs into his hand. The softener in Janus’ bedsheets underneath him provides a little bit of comfort, but every time Virgil’s face appears in his mind, the faucets in his eyes open a little more. It’s getting harder to keep his hitched breathing under a controlled volume, and he doesn’t want to alert anyone’s attention so that Janus can continue with his plan, so he grabs a pillow, sets his glasses down beside him and hides his pain away from the rest of the room.

The pillow smells of lavender. Lavender, purple… Virgil…

Patton doesn’t lift his head when he hears the familiar whoosh of displaced air as Janus returns, he just continues to sharply inhale the lavender scent and sob through his exhales. He doesn’t even try to collect his scattered pieces when a pair of arms wrap around him and hold his trembling body close, keeping it intact. Of course, with Janus being part snake, he doesn’t radiate body heat like the other sides when he gets hugs from them, but that doesn’t change the feeling of a comforting body leaning against his. All the while, Janus stays quiet and waits for him to talk, sprouting his four extra arms after a while to card one hand through his hair and trace various patterns into Patton’s arms and back with the others.

It takes a long time for the moral side to steady his breaths, but eventually he removes his face from the tear-stained pillow to look at Janus with red eyes and a runny nose. He barely stops himself from apologising, apologising for crying, crying into his pillow nonetheless, instead reminding himself that he is the emotional side and that it’s completely normal for him to be feeling this way - something he’s had to remind himself of for so long. No words are spoken yet; Janus uses his extra arms to shift Patton into his lap and then moves to lay down on the bed with Patton’s head against his chest. Tears still leak from puffy red eyes, but it seems that he’s finally let all of his most intense emotions out.

For the rest of the day, every now and again Patton says something like "I wish mine and Virgil’s relationship was the same as it was before”, or "I made Thomas think he was a bad person”, or "I just hate seeing my family fight" in between sniffles, and Janus continues the comforting motions of gloved hands in his hair and on his back, underneath his blue polo, telling him that Virgil doesn’t hate him, neither does Thomas, and it’ll all be okay soon as long as everyone decides to cooperate, and Patton knows that there’s nothing but truth in his words.

"Did you manage to get Logan and Roman to forgive each other?" He asks after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

Janus hums amusedly. "Yes, I eventually revealed myself and told them I'd get Remus to gently nudge them down the stairs if they didn’t.”

The response causes Patton to laugh adorably as he props himself up on his elbows to look at him, the corners of his eyes creasing in that way they do when he’s smiling genuinely. “Janus, no violence!”

"I was only joking, sweetie." The dorky side’s forked tongue flickers out with his smile, but then he tilts his head playfully and looks into Patton’s eyes for a moment. “…Unless?”

Patton has never liked the sound of fighting, but at least somebody has caught onto that now. In the meantime, the two will laugh the evening away and then fall asleep, tangled in each other’s limbs, but then eventually Logan and Roman will sort out their differences for good, Patton and Virgil will finally have a long-anticipated conversation, and Janus will be supporting him all the way.

Maybe it’s helpful to let yourself cry in front of somebody else every now and again.

[yoong-i]

this was supposed to be a fav D-2 lyrics post but it just somehow turned into me rambling my thoughts about D-2 in regard to life and what he’s said in the interviews so far

So I started this and then my computer decided to restart and I lost all of it. And then when I finally finished it and hit save draft one last time, Tumblr stopped working. So if you see anything formatted weirdly, let me know. The universe was against me on this one.

As always, all translators are linked. Check them out and give them credit, they’re great at what they do. Sometimes they update things, so I really do recommend checking out the links to see if they’ve made any updates since I’ve posted.

I love Yoongi’s writing a lot, so I tend to get a bit wordy. I’d say I’m sorry but really, me doing these lyric posts is entirely self-indulgent so, I’m not.

(OK. I wrote that part before I finished and YIKES this ended up being SO LONG I am SORRY)

I want to point out some of the obvious references first that I know everyone on the internet has already figured out, but as I’ve said, idc. I like to have things in one place so I can look back at it. These ones don’t need much explanation, I feel, so I’m just gonna leave them here. Credits for these are with their songs down below.

“If you think you’re gonna crash, accelerate even harder, you idiot” 

From Moonlight, but also Intro: Never Mind, which is just so Yoongi to me. I think that song gives you an accurate picture of him.

“I got a big house big car big ring, bring anything over, I’ll give it to you” 

From What do you think?, and then No More Dream, Home, and Interlude: Shadow. This gif set breaks the references down nicely. It’s interesting to see the different tones he takes when referencing this line. I think Interlude: Shadow is my favorite, but really, I’m just biased to that song and they’re all truly great.

“I’m a king, I’i m a boss” 

Daechwita to Interlude: Shadow (I am sorry that this song is all I ever talk about all the time). I can’t remember if he references wanting to be the king/top in other songs, and I’m too lazy to check right now. So I’m going to go with no unless someone would like to correct me, I don’t mind.

There’s also the Burn It/Outro: Tear references that are just too much to copy and paste, really. I’m sure an argument can be made that it’s the whole song being referenced, but to me, this is the obvious part being referenced from Outro: Tear:

“Right, it’s there, what are you hesitating for? This is the end you wanted I hope you kill quickly without hesitation Woo yeah yeah burn it, woo yeah yeah yeah burn it, woo yeah yeah yeah burn it So that not even ashes are left. This is the real you and this is the real me We’ve now seen the end and there are not even resentments left Awake now from sweet dreams, I close my eyes This is the real you and this is the real me“

~~

While I didn’t list a lyric from Interlude: Set Me Free, I just want to say that I do really love this song, but there just aren’t many lyrics in it. Additionally, I’m not sure what exactly he’s saying he wants to be set free from, and so it doesn’t feel right to make an assumption about the lyrics. (Which is kinda bothering me, not in an annoyed way, but more or less just nagging at me.) But really, I love any interlude from Yoongi. Set Me Free sounds so beautiful and so calming and I wish the bird chirping didn’t drive my cat so crazy so I could enjoy it more.

~~

“Changes are fated to happen to everyone, perhaps, how we change is what our undertaking is about.”

Moonlight. I’ve said this before, but I really do love a good lyric about growing and changing and this mixtape definitely has a lot of it. I think it is interesting that he talks about change like this in the opening song, and then he talks about change in Dear my friend, which is much different given the tone of that whole song. Here, in the very first song, he poses the idea of “change is good, depending how you change” and then delves into a mixtape that discusses “the present” of his life (he tells Billboard in this article that this mixtape is about the present), which I find interesting. I’ll try to touch on it more in Dear my friend.

//

“What’s after this?  Feeling a strong feeling of reality check, a situation where there’s no higher. I had only looked up, now I just wanna look down and gently land.”

Daechwita. Yes, Interlude: Shadow AGAIN (as your local Shadow enthusiast, it only makes sense I pick a lyric that connects.) Although he says don’t let me down in Shadow, in that song I take it more as “I want to come down but I’m terrified of what’s gonna happen.” Where Shadow is more desperate, the tone of Daechwita is definitely more confident. Plus he has that whole mad king thing going for him (and then the whole killing the mad king thing) which Muish discusses wonderfully in the translation I linked.

This is another thing I love about Yoongi and his lyrics. He’s discussing the same thing in the lines of these different songs, but you get to witness these two battling personas when it comes to the topic. And I guess that is the point of there being a difference between Suga and Agust D, but I do wonder where Yoongi falls between these two. He lets you see his struggle and that’s why I love his writing. (I also love that for this song he says focus more on the visual and auditory enjoyment than the lyrics. The video really does tell a good story.)

//

“Crazy that you’d think that my success has a connection to your failure.”

“I have no fucking interest in those who ask whether idol music is music.”

What do you think? The idol lyric may seem like a weird choice, but as a long time boyband stan I’m so over the way artists who were/are in boybands get disregarded for their talent. I’ve come to realize I just need to stop caring whether or not they are socially accepted by “others” and just enjoy what music they are choosing to share with me and those who support them.

I don’t have much to say about the success lyric. It’s just Yoongi being his usual self and I love it.

//

“Capital injects morphine called hope with dream as collateral“

The first time I read this I did a double take. Much to unpack here, but I think that is even beyond me. Interpret it as you please.

“The one who has his eyes open in the world that has its eyes closed — now they make him blind, isn’t it strange.” 

Namjoon has a similar lyric later, but rather than the second half of Yoongi’s lyric, Joon says “that he has his eyes open alone is so much more strange for me” and I love the contrast between the two. Very on brand too.

“But still, life goes on, somehow, just like this, everyone, in their own chicken coop, says they’re okay.”

Strange. I had to stop myself because it is very hard to just not copy and paste the whole freakin song. I love anything these two create together as they are two of the most wonderful lyricists I have ever seen. Going off of that, this song is very reminiscent of Respect for me. Do yourself a favor and just sit down and read through these lyrics (Strange, but also I always recommend Respect). Songs like these make me wish I was a fly on the wall for conversations between these two.

//

“People change, just as I have, there’s nothing eternal about life, they’re all happenings that pass by”

“Did someone say humans are the animals of wisdom? The way I see it, humans are the animals of regret”

People. I love this song a lot (and NOT just because he sounds like an angel in it...) Despite that, I’m not sure why but I found myself stuck on what he was trying to say with this song as a whole. I enlisted my best friend for help and she gave me some good insight and one of the things she said was “good can come out of living each day like it means something.” While I didn’t see this song as inherently negative, I don’t think I was viewing the song in a way that would have allowed me to see this silver lining. I saw it as more cynical I guess?

//

“Tomorrow will come and go once again, this kind of me, that kind of you are both simply enduring the day, I guess.”

Honsool. Time isn’t real. Am I writing this at 2 o’clock in the morning when I should be asleep? Maybe so. But time isn’t real and the days come and go and we’re all just enduring. I like the word choice there. Not surviving, or getting by, or living. We’re enduring.

//

“I grow older and become to know the world, and yet, would it have been better to not know the world?”

Ignorance is bliss. Kinda. This lyric actually reminded me of Nightmare by Halsey, one part specifically: “'Cause kindness is weakness, or worse, you're complacent, I could play nice or I could be a bully, I'm tired and angry, but somebody should be” And like. Yeah. Would I rather be ignorant to all the world’s problems and not give a shit about anything just to be happy, or should I let myself succumb to believing in cynicism for the sake of the world and caring about things? I used a different translation for this lyric than I did for the other two lyrics in 28.

“To live, live, live just one day without any worries, just one day without any concerns.” 

“I thought it’d change when I turned twenty, I thought it’d change when I graduated, Shit, if I’m thirty like this, this, And so, so, what’s changed with me?”

28. This was another one of those where I had to stop and tell myself, Ahna, please do not copy every lyric. But, just know that I wanted to. We spend so many of our days looking forward because we are so displeased with where we are currently at (reminder: this mixtape is about the present.) There’s the constant thought of “once I achieve this thing, it’ll be better!” We’ve all done it, I’ve done it, and I truly hate it. The difference here is you have someone like Yoongi, who is at the top, who has it “all” and he is still stuck in this mindset. Oh, also, hi he’s talking about change again. 

//

“[Always], the choice and decision is yours to make. I hope you don’t forget that giving up decisively also counts as courage.”

Burn It. It is now 4am and Burn It just came on shuffle and I’ve been staring at this lyric for a bit too long, hating my 2pm fully conscious self for choosing this one and leaving writing about it for last. This lyric is existential crisis content. I don’t think I’ve ever in my life heard someone talk about giving up in this way. Giving up can be so powerless, but thinking about giving up in this way not only restores power, but also praises you for being able to make such a decision bold decision for yourself. Makes you think a lot about Yoongi and how he turned out the way he has.

Yoongi reiterated a similar thought in the interview with TIME: “It’s good to know that it’s fine when things go in an unintended direction, because you can always start over again. Keep calm, take the next-best option and move forward.” And this translator also points out another instance, just a month before he dropped his mixtape, of him saying basically the same thing again to one of the listeners on his Live who said they gave up their dream: “I don’t know what circumstances you were in, but I think you must have had tremendous courage. Giving something up decisively takes lots of courage. And, you’ve worked hard.” Like, is he trying to make me cry? 

//

“Was it you who changed? Or was it me? I hate this flowing time, it's us who changed.”

Dear my friend. First, in regard to the lyric itself, there are so many friendships we look back on, ruined or not, and wonder whose fault it was. Maybe even blame them if it’s easier. While it does vary by friendship, I do think it’s important to step back and question our place in it all going wrong, and how we have changed as well. The “I hate this flowing time, it's us who changed” reminds me of how sometimes there truly is nothing you can do when it comes to changing and growing apart from people. It’s not your fault, it’s not my fault, we have changed in ways we both needed to and we are not compatible anymore. I do think the overarching theme in Dear my friend is different from this, however.

I was not expecting this song at all. I think a lot of stuff Yoongi writes is very open and vulnerable, but this song really took me by surprise because it’s a different kind of open. This song will make you miss friendships and people that went downhill, wondering what more you could have done for them. Why he gotta do me like this.

Going back to the thought I posed in Moonlight, in Dear my friend we witness a change that just... isn’t good. Aside from that, on an album which is supposedly all about the present of his life, this song is not. Maybe it is present because it is something that still clearly bothers him, and something, or rather someone, he thinks about a lot, but I still find it interesting. Maybe it was just a sentiment he felt he really needed to get out. 

He talks about change a lot on this album, yet when they ask him in the D-2 interviews (TIME/Billboard) about how he feels things have changed since the last mixtape, he says he doesn’t feel his life really changed.

If you listen to Intro: Never Mind, he says the only thing he feels that’s different about him is his height, and that he’s mature compared to people his age. That must be very grounding, feeling that despite the whirlwind of his life and fame he is still the same person he’s always been. And then again, 5 years later in 2020, the only change he mentions about himself is that he’s matured. I guess “matured” can be taken different ways, especially in regard to the way he talks about growth on this album. But I respect and admire him talking about himself like this. I appreciate the introspection and I take maturing in this context as a positive thing. I take it as him growing in good ways, becoming better versions of himself, which I feel shows in the art he produces. 

One more thought, and it goes back to the interviews. Yoongi told TIME “what’s good is good” is his philosophy. I think back to 28 and People, and the drastic difference between his life and mine, or as he would say, the difference between our ordinaries and extraordinaries, yet we both have the same bad habits and worries about the future.  

Yoongi seems like a walking hazard sign for wanting more or too much, warning of it not being better and it being lonely to have “everything” you want. Considering how simple the phrase “what’s good is good” is, I have spent too long thinking about it in relation to all of this. He uses it in People when talking about the average ordinary life. In the new Break the Silence docu-series, he talks about not being able to do ordinary things like go out for a coffee or to the movies. It is once again his reminder, things are not better up there. You will still struggle. Be content with what you have. If it’s good, its good, and what’s good is good. Let it be. 

~~

This felt like a good ending note, and then I remembered Billboard asked him, “What is a line or thought you share on D-2 you want listeners to be left thinking about?“ And this was his answer:

“So what, if we live like that, so what My distinction is your ordinary My ordinary is your distinction”

I thought it was funny that I somehow ended this by talking about the one thing he wanted to leave us thinking about. Mission accomplished Yoongi.

~~

In regard to raising questions about norms and how we live, Yoongi said he just merely wanted to raise the question mark - not provide the answers - and boy did he here. I will be thinking about this all for a while. This took me so much longer to write than intended, mostly just because I wasn’t expecting to feel so strongly about all the songs.  Thank you for the art honey my dude.

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

Should I (25F) break up with boyfriend (29M)?

We’ve been together 5 years. We were together 1 year, then had a LDR for 2 years, then lived together for 1 year, followed by another 1 year LDR (we went to different universities after the first year going out). My doubt in the relationship began while living with him, when I noticed my sex drive for him went to zero. This could be because we had been long distance for 2 years and I was used to not having sex regularly. I feel it was also a mix of different reasons: 

He is disorganised while I am organised. His disorganisation in both his life and personal space stresses me out leading me to have to take responsibility to organise things in both circumstances. He is clean in other areas of the house however.

He is quick to anger /sarcasm/insults/debate. He does this to everyone, and I don’t think he means bad by it, it’s just a personality trait but can be grating when you’re exposed to it everyday. I am not argumentative by nature and find the constant sarcastic remarks demeaning. He also gets very angry when playing games.

He is a hypochondriac complete with having constant pains doctors cannot diagnose. This means he is often complaining about this health (real or not, who knows) and sometimes means we cannot enjoy going out. I’d say 70% of our conversations involve his health.

Can be annoying in social situations. I actually prefer social situations when he is not around; he is an extrovert and outgoing, and talks A LOT. But, it’s to the point that he dominates the conversation and as I am quite quiet means when I do want to say something or get involved, it’s more difficult. Although, I also appreciate he can fill in silence.

He may have a gaming addiction. I also like gaming, but not the point it dominates my life. He always wants to play or is playing, even when we are cooking meaning we don’t talk. That being said I am more of a film-lover and like to discuss films and art - he does not have this interest so I don’t have a outlet for this interest with him, including the fact we don’t like the same films apart from sci-fi/fantasy/mainstream cinema.

Some of these things are just personality traits that I see present in his other family members (disorganised, sarcastic, talkative), and I don’t think they can be resolved. That being said, he also has good qualities: caring, loyal, likes to cuddle, likes to travel, enjoys sci-fi, likes to cook and try different food, can be very cute/funny when we are alone (I do not find his humour when we are around other people funny however), I enjoy gaming with him (apart from the above), he is intelligent, likes animals & the environment, cares about his health and exercises.

My doubt in the relationship grew while living together as said, and again when we have been apart due to COVID. I am an introvert and have been really enjoying this time apart – I have doing things I haven’t been able to do while doing my studies and hanging out with him, particularly as he doesn’t really enjoy alone time. I have not missed him at all. Sometimes, I feel like my life is put on hold when we hang out because we have to decide what to do together, as you do in a relationship. We usually end up gaming or compromising on something to watch. I feel like I have been ‘finding myself’ again and realised sometimes I feel like a weaker version of myself when I’m around him.  

I feel confused because for the most part he is a great guy, we’ve been through a lot together and there isn’t one big thing that is making me feel we should break up, it’s lots of small things. Sometimes I feel in my gut I do want to break up, while other times i’m not sure if that’s just my stupid 25-year-old brain talking and that i’d be missing out on a good guy. That being said, I feel anxious about the idea of us moving in together due to his disorganisation/messiness and the lack of ‘me’ time.

I would really appreciate any advice i.e. do you think i’m ‘settling’? there are so many small issues, some of which I don’t feel will change - what is a tolerable amount of negatives in a partner? how do you know if you love a long-term partner romantically vs. as just a person/friend?

____________

I want to say right from the start that this is a really fun and engaging question. Why? Because it has a LOT of moving parts to it, and also, because it's very clear that you have approached writing this message to me with a lot of thought and maturity. I know how easy it is for someone to just spam-type a message in a fit of concern and panic. Sometimes people need that, they just need to spit out their feelings to someone else, and then get a response, and then they feel better. But it's clear that for you, this issue is serious, you have a lot of concern wrapped up in it, and you want a proper resolution to this, and it seems you're happy with any resolution you get as long as it feels like it's guiding you. So let's try to find something.

Firstly, I want to say that you're perfectly valid in your understanding is very valid. One thing that struck me is that you said that you believe that there's no big problem, but instead, it's a lot of small problems that are bringing you to feeling the way you do. And that's okay. It can sometimes feel selfish to say that it's just the little stuff. When you hear someone say, "Oh my partner is abusive," your brain thinks, "Oh yeah, they should definitely leave." They might say, "My boyfriend is alcoholic and ruining his life," YO GET OUT OF THAT BAD RELATIONSHIP. But then you look at your own, and think, what is my partner doing wrong? "Well, it's not one thing or the other, but a million small things." You say that and then think, "Well that's not fair. I mean he has his faults, but don't we all?"

That sort of thinking justifies us settling, which is the other point you raised. One thing that needs to be mentioned is that settling down isn't a bad thing. That's actually a very positive quality! But if we're settling with someone who doesn't actually, truly make us happy, that is where any anxiety around settling actually comes from. Okay, but is he a bad person? Is he not making us happy? That's harder to answer, which is why you're so concerned about it. It sucks, because the answer is not as easy as you want it to be, so it creates more uncertainty about your actions.

What do? Well, let's try to work through some of these issues and see what can actually be changed, and what topics are more difficult.

He's disorganized.

I can definitely understand how frustrating and stressful it might be to be in a messy place. I'm definitely that unorganized dude, and I know it's pretty bad compared to most people. There are a lot of reasons people are disorganized, and there are a lot of different levels to that disorganization. For instance, most people who see my house would probably say, "JESUS THAT'S FILTHY HOW DO YOU LIVE," but for me, it doesn't bother me at all, because I don't care about it. But although my cleaning habits are poor, my organization is extremely high. Not everything is in the perfect place, but I know where everything is, and if you said, "I need a screwdriver" or "where are your car keys," I'd have an immediate answer for you. Although I'm disorganized with cleaning, it doesn't meaningfully impact my life.

So the question comes: is your boyfriend just bad at cleaning like me, but is actually quite structured and organized; or, is his disorganization affecting him. Does he lose things frequently? Is he not sure where things belong, even to himself? Is he the sort of person who just puts something down and immediately forgets it? It's all nuanced, so you have to diagnose this yourself.

What I can say to all of this, however, is that disorganization is very fixable. I don't clean due to my depression and ADHD making me not want to; it's all mental. But if I had someone whip me and make me clean, that's a thing that inspires me. I don't care of my space is messy, but I care if someone else thinks it is. What inspires your partner is different from me, but I think this issue is fixable, because you have the power to instill good habits in them.

What you need to do is SHOW THEM how to be more clean and organized, and then emphasize when they aren't organized. Like I said about my situation, I don't personally care when things get messy. I need to be reminded, because my mind doesn't see the mess. This is likely true of your partner as well, so be his eyes; let him know when things are disorganized, and start showing him gently how to be more organized. "Gaming stuff should be by the TV/computer, no dishes or cups outside of the kitchen unless you're actually using them, no clothes on the floor ever." Simple stuff like this can hopefully make his brain go, "Oh, yeah, good idea," and he will just do them. Again, HOPEFULLY, it's not that he's just a wastrel who likes litter in his house, but that his brain doesn't realize it's messy. Instilling in him these better habits could potentially change his behaviour, as long as you exercise both gentleness and firmness in equal regard.

He is quick to anger, sarcasm, insults, and debate.

This is a bit trickier. This is one one of those things that is harder to influence, as you imagined, because it's more of his actual personality. But there are several facets to this, some that are easier to change, and some that are harder to affect. For instance, you say that you aren't argumentative by nature, but he is. They key here is, are you engaging in his arguments? Sometimes arguments have value, but you need to determine the value on the fly when the argument is occurring. If you ever find yourself disconnecting or getting upset over an argument that's occuring, you need to put your foot down and say,

"Listen, I'm sorry, but I don't want to argue. Can we talk about this when we've had a moment to relax?" or "I don't want to fight with you, I'm sorry. Can we just let this one go?" Trying to deescalate situations like this can often stop arguments in their tracks. Again, to compare myself to your partner, I trend toward being argumentative. There are lots of reasons for that, but it's just how it is for me. I don't mean harm by it. But that also means sometimes I don't realize when I'm arguing. If someone says "hey, chill" to me mid-argument, I stop and reflect on what I'm doing. I ask if the argument is worth it, and if it is, I let them know, and if it's not, I apologize and back off. Try to see if these tactics work with your partner.

Same with the sarcasm. Sarcasm seems to come naturally to him. But if you find it demeaning, that's no good! You should allow him to use sarcasm sometimes, particularly when it's harmless statements. But if you are actively upset by something sarcastic he has said, you should let him know. "That wasn't nice. I would like an apology." If he says IT'S JUST SARCASM, just be calm and say, "I know, but it still upset me. I would like an apology." He'll either throw a temper tantrum or apologize, and whichever action he takes says a lot about him.

The anger, however, is likely more of an inherent part of himself. You can control arguments, and you can control sarcasm, but for many, anger is a lot harder to control. The reason I can make this assumption is because your partner gets mad at lots of things. It's not just mad at you, but it's also mad in his games. There's no harm in getting mad at a game, especially if you care about it. But there is a degree where that anger because worrisome and dangerous. You can't do much about that if that anger is directed at you, except for the strategies I've already given you. If he is angry at you, stay calm, and deescalate. "I'm sorry, I don't really want to talk to you while you're angry. Let's take a moment and collect ourselves." Letting him step away from the conversation will force him to cool off, and whatever was being said in the heat of the moment will probably evaporate along with the anger.

He's a hypochondriac.

Here's the short section. THIS IS NOT FIXABLE. This is a mental disorder, through and through, and you can't fix this. Try to understand that this isn't his fault - it's literally his brain making him think he's sick. And it's not actually just his brain that is thinking this. When he is sick, or when he says he's sick, HE IS ACTUALLY SICK. If he says, "I have a new disorder, it causes me migraines," and he shows symptoms of migraines, HE IS ACTUALLY HAVING MIGRAINES. It's not like he's totally faking this.

The "faking it" is part of the disorder, because people who struggle with hypochondria have learned over time that if they feel ill, and go to the doctor, they get positive attention from this, and that makes them feel good. But many also suffer from what is known as a "nocebo effect." It's a thing similar to the placebo effect, but it means the person feels something EVEN IF THAT THING IS PROVABLY NOT REAL. The thing that is causing the problem may not be real, but the symptoms are VERY REAL and VERY PAINFUL. So even if it seems frustrating, try not to dismiss his pain or symptoms, because he likely does believe those symptoms are real and does struggle with them. Check out this video for more info on the nocebo effect.

https://youtu.be/O2hO4_UEe-4

The key here is, regardless of whether you stay with him or not, if you believe that he is actively suffering with hypochondria, you should try to push him to go see a therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is VERY effective at treating hypochondria, and will benefit him a lot.

He can be annoying in social situations.

Again, this is an issue that you can't really affect, and I'm not gonna spend much time here. He's a social, extroverted dude. He also has a dominant personality, from how you describe. Naturally, he dominates the conversation. If you feel you're being left out of a conversation, all you can really do is make yourself known. Maybe you're shy or meek, I don't know. But even the quietest person has to talk sometime, and if you feel you're being left behind, GET LOUD!

Not much else to say in terms of your relationship though. If he's extroverted, that's not actually a problem. You're just introverted and conflict with this more outgoing personality type.

He may have gaming addiction.

For me, I'm not entirely convinced that gaming addiction is a thing. There are studies back and forth proving its legitimacy, and while some organizations believe in gaming addiction (source: https://www.npr.org/2019/05/28/727585904/is-gaming-disorder-an-illness-the-who-says-yes-adding-it-to-its-list-of-diseases), others disagree with that perception (source: https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/internet-gaming), and I tend to fall in that disagreement camp.

I ain't no medical expert. But also being a gamer, and definitely entering some really bad times in my life where gaming dominated a lot of my activities, I never felt like I was addicted to gaming. The time when I was young and would pull all-nighters playing games and not focusing on my school work? That wasn't the games causing the problem; I was using the games to avoid depression and fear of disappointment; it was a solution, but a compulsive solution, because the games made me feel better while ignoring my IRL problems. In that extent, it's no different from gambling, "sex addiction," hoarding, and shopping. All of these have various different medical classifications for addiction, but again, I ain't no doctor, and that's a digression.

The point being here is that from my perspective, it really depends on how much his gaming habits are affecting his IRL life. We know he's disorganized and unclean; is that because he plays games too much, or is it because he is naturally that way? Good question. How often does he game? Several hours a day, most of the day, or literally non-stop? Even if someone plays many hours a day, that's still not indicative of a bad situation. However, does he continue playing games even when he should be doing other things, like working, or paying his bills, or sleeping, or such? You mention he even plays games while cooking, and THAT is a legitimate concern in the favour that he may be suffering from a compulsive behavior.

What to do about this? It's difficult to say. You can try to help him realize that he might be going a little too far with his gaming. You can also emphasize that you want more time spent with him while he's not gaming. "I want ' us time,' so let's turn off the game for a bit." If he's not willing to, that's a bad sign. If you think this issue might be too big for you, then it's best to direct him to a therapist for such issues, especially as said, if it's directly impacting his life in negative ways, and not actually bringing him any real enjoyment in life. _________ So, what do?

Well, that's really up to you. You have expressed that being apart from him now has made you really happy. You haven't missed him at all. You're "finding yourself," and that's awesome.

Should you be with this person? That's hard to say? Are you settling for someone "less-than?" That's also hard to say. There aren't right or wrong answers to this sort of thing, and you kinda have to determine that for yourself based on the information in front of you.

I listed a lot of his problems, and a lot of potential solutions. But do you want to help him conquer those issues? Are you willing to put through that effort? Or are you just kinda tired and bored of dealing with this for so long? Would you be willing to move on and date other people one day? Or does this person actually bring joy to your life because of your shared interests? There are no right answers there.

That's why I think the best course of action is would be to see how much you are willing to change, and then through your action, see how much you are able to change. You only have so much influence in his life, but if you CAN influence his life for the better for both of you, that would be awesome.

What is a tolerable amount of negatives? Again, that's a very personal question, and your answer to that may change dramatically based on the situation. Do you feel like the current amount of negatives outweigh the positives? If yes, try to reduce the negatives as much as possible; if no, then you're probably on the right track, you're just experiencing a bump in the road.

[mzminola]

Mom talk: emotional boundaries and hoarding/impulse-shopping discussed below the cut.

I honestly can’t fucking remember if I saw my mom in person twice this year or three times. I think it was three times. I’m like pretty sure the awkward conversation with lots of crying outside that one coffee shop wasn’t the summer visit, which would mean there was a spring one. So I guess I can remember? Unless it was the same visit.

It feels like every time we see each other in person we wind up having some Way Too Deep conversation along with all our more fun fandom and politics chatter. On the phone we seem to mostly stick to...not necessarily lighter topics, but they’re not so personal? It’s not like I’ve been logging this, I don’t know. I know it’s not just her bringing stuff up, I definitely have a habit (that she cultivated) of over-sharing and it’s way harder to guard my tongue in person than on the phone. Especially since the getting brunch/coffee & taking a walk around the meeting point conversations tend to go way longer than the phone calls. I don’t plan on cutting the visits off entirely so I need to...strategize how to strengthen my filter, and come up with some script for conversational boundaries.

The visits also grind her hoarding tendencies in my face more since the walks inevitably take us into the local shops. Maybe it would work better if I could convince her to take our coffees back down to the waterfront? Experience says we’ll still wind up in at least one shop, though.

This time I got the impulse to go into a bookshop, found some authors I’d been keeping an eye out for, and bought two books. It was my first time purchasing something there in years (I think I bought a calendar several years ago?), and I live closer now, so I went ahead and signed up for their little buyer rewards program. I think it’s that my purchases will be tallied over time and eventually I’ll get store credit?

Mom promptly ask the clerk if multiple people can have their purchases go towards one person’s rewards. So that when she visits the area, if she buys something, I’d get the points! The clerk said yes, and I half-joked about Mom living elsewhere and therefore not getting her own rewards record.

She didn’t ask me if I was comfortable with that, before asking the clerk. I can’t remember if she checked with me about it during the banter after. I’m...okay with the idea of her book purchases over here during visits going to my tally, but I really would have preferred if she’d asked me first. We’ve got way too much uncomfortable history about combined finances for springing this on me to be cool.

I don’t think she realizes how uncomfortable I am with that history.

Later we went into an art supply shop, she had a specific supply she needed (so much art and crafting in this family). I noticed this cute itsy-bitsy color pencils set at the check-out counter and made the mistake of exclaiming “oh, cute!” out loud. Mom promptly decided to buy it, and then the clerk (did their job, can’t begrudge ‘em) told her a slightly different version with an itsy-bitsy sharpener or something would be coming in later. Like the next week?

But, you know. Mom’s visiting from out of town. She won’t likely be back next week.

Mom half-turns to me and cheerfully says “you’ll just have to come back and pick one up for me!”

I, thank fucking goodness, immediately and automatically went “nope” in a...possibly cheerful, at least not negative, voice. She stalled a bit, and then suggested we do another visit next month (so she could get it without doing the trip just for that), and I reminded her that I don’t get any time off in December this year. She acknowledged this was true, and the subject was dropped. To be fair, she really does want to see me more frequently.

I’ve been handling the “Mom’s gonna wanna go in the shops” aspect of our visits okay, back when they were once or twice a year. I just remind myself that I’m allowed to enjoy window shopping the way I enjoy looking at strangers’ gardens, and that she’s a grown ass adult and therefore it’s not my job to discourage her from making impulse purchases (as opposed to when I was stuck living back home and got guilt tripped about adding to household expenses and- /record scratch/)

But this time she did the “treating me like an extension of her” thing.

I don’t like that.

I don’t want her to do that.

And I don’t fucking know what the normal lines between loved ones are supposed to be, so I don’t know where, when, and how to draw them.

I think I did okay this time. I think the rewards program thing would have just been a “wow, Mom didn’t ask me first, that’s annoying but I can cope” moment if it hadn’t been followed by her trying to directly make me responsible for her getting a cute little art thing she wanted to buy. I always assume there’s a “more graceful” way of handling things like that than I actually achieve, but do I need to be graceful? Is it not sufficient to simply be firm? I’m still not good at firm with her. I mostly rely on avoidance.

Which. Like. This makes me want to avoid her! This whole heavy conversation topic thing makes me want to visit less, the whole shopping thing reminds me of the hoarded environment I grew up in, the treating me as an extension of her thing REALLY fucking makes me want to avoid her!

I know “Mom, when you do X, it makes me want to not be around you” is a straightforward script I could potentially use, but it feels too blunt! It feels too much like I’m threatening to cut her off! I think if I say that she will react with lots of upset emotions, and even if she (has more grace then me) makes sure to have those emotions where I don’t witness them personally, I have been fucking conditioned to fret about those emotions and try to fix them for her.

Anyway this Fall Out Boy album I’m listening to just hit the lyrics “I love the whole world I just don’t love the way it makes me feel” as I was about to write “I love my mom but I don’t want to be around her for awhile” so like, thanks FOB.

My main tool for boundary enforcement is distance and it looks like, after doing more Mom-visits than normal this year, I gotta cut ‘em down again for awhile. Don’t know how I should/could handle it when she next asks about a visit, but yeah, I need more boundary practice, and I want more distance for now.

/head in hands/ ugh.

Edit: and she (with permission) sent me a copy of a book I’ve been wanting, and I’m going to send her a doll I don’t want anymore for her to either keep or pass along to her doll club, and both those things would be so much more fine if the art supply store thing hadn’t happened.

[eyecicles]

Thoughts on canon vs fandom treatment of female characters? Like the source material not having much in the way of female characters in general (at least relatively in the sense that I can count significant/developed female characters on one hand compared to the much larger number of important male characters) and how that translates into fandom treatment of female characters (misa and kiyomi being treated like shit in fanfics, ect). Sorry this is vague I just like your spicy opinions lmao

That’s a very interesting question! …Also a topic I’m very careful with but I do have some thoughts I would like to share nonetheless.

I completely agree that it’s quite obvious that Ohba cares more about the development of his male characters, about making them more unique in their motivations. Large parts of Death Note are about Light manipulating people (not about being accidentally successful and smart because of his ~magical powers~, that’s such an annoying take, honestly). And when you look at how he treats female characters, starting with Yuri, later Naomi, then Misa, Rem and Kiyomi, it becomes pretty clear that both he and Ohba always use the same tactic. Yes, because while writing a sexist character doesn’t make you or your story sexist per se, it’s just the sad truth that Ohba wrote it that way for a reason. (From what I’ve heard about his other works, DN is comparatively mild in the sexism department though)

If you compare that to the much more complex ways Light manipulates male characters, you can see very easily how they’re more developed by default. Not only has Light a much harder time with them, he evades characters like L and Near or even Aizawa, who isn’t a certified genius, by, well, not getting caught until the end.

Actually, I think it’s pretty interesting how characters deal with the fact that Light is Kira. The only female character who figures out his identity on her own is Misa, and she mostly manages that due to her special powers (the Shinigami eyes). Of course Misa is never praised for that and she’s routinely portrayed as dumb, while most of her character is about her obsession with Light… which only poses a problem for a few chapters. 

Very popular fanon but fanon nonetheless: Naomi figuring out Light is Kira. She didn’t; Light told her himself and she’s in fact more than a little shocked by it, and of course, already doomed when she finds out the truth.

Kiyomi is told as well, and she’s a Kira supporter anyway, in love with Light, and relatively easy to manipulate - even though we see her struggling with being ordered to kill people. What’s apparently more of a problem is her questioning Light about Misa, but really, he’s mostly just annoyed and her jealously is something the narrative actively makes fun of (confirmed by Ohba himself).

And I agree that that’s mostly why the fandom finds it so easy to reduce especially Misa and Kiyomi to romance- or sex-obsessed dumbasses who are basically only there to be annoying. I wouldn’t defend that kind of treatment ever, but yes, it’s obvious where it comes from.

It’s more mild with Naomi, and Rem might be the only female character whose motivation is her love for another female character, but most of the main female characters have one thing in common: their character arcs being about love. Compare that to main male characters, and you can tell that the narrative treats love and romance as a “woman thing”. (Even Matsuda, who does show interest in romance, gets a surprisingly interesting and even touching arc. His character is mostly about being painfully average (painfully is the keyword here: the narrative shows much less pity for our average women, actually; they aren’t necessarily average, just not as much as smart as Light which is treated as given), about seeking recognition, about being bitterly disappointed by the person he trusted (Light) and his final moments with Light are ridiculously intense and well-written.)

(Soichiro isn’t motivated by personal love per se, but his “blindness” for who Light really is treated as something tragic and relatable. Soichiro dies, yes, but he’s seen almost as a hero for his strong morals and love for his son. Not comparable to Misa and Kiyomi at all.)

I indeed can’t count the fics where female characters only made an appearance to show the reader how much dumber, or even more evil, they are compared to Light’s love interest (which is usually L or a female OC). And while I don’t see Misa as just a victim of Light, it’s disgusting how people take what those characters are mainly about and make it (+ their personalities) worse than they were in canon. Instead of, you know, giving them more agency. It’s fanfiction, guys, they don’t have to be an obstacle for your ships if you don’t want to. Considering that Light shows no real interest in them either way, I find it even more arbitrary to write them that way.

Even though I’m used to see that kind of treatment, since I’ve been in fandoms for almost 15 years, it still shocks me how nasty and spiteful people can be about characters like Misa and Kiyomi. I rarely see male characters treated like that in fanfics, even when the general fandom opinion about them is a negative one. (The exceptions are unlikeable, ugly, comic relief kind of antagonists like Demegawa)

The fandom can be wildly different depending on where you look; on websites like YouTube or Reddit, it’s definitely more difficult to find people who like them, or people who at least try to see past that one trope the fandom likes to reduce them to. I’ve seen people making fun of their deaths or writing their own gruesome deaths for them, I’ve seen people praising Light to no end while hating Misa for being a serial killer.

While on tumblr, I often see the exact opposite of that. I wouldn’t say it’s just as bad, obviously not, but it’s still worth discussing, I think. It makes a lot of sense to try and make characters like Misa, Kiyomi, Naomi, Sayu, or Rem more intriguing and complex. I absolutely love what “Those” did to Kiyomi for example; it shows very clearly what we could have had with a better (or at least less sexist) writer than Ohba.

But if I’m being completely honest, what I’m not a fan of, is people completely taking everything about a character to make them something they’re 100% not. It’s one thing to make someone more complex, but something quite different to make Misa a feminist and mere victim who only pretended to like Light. I guess that’s partly a personal preference, but something about making a female character just a victim, when they’re canonically not, is a bit… icky to me. I think we can treat Misa with more compassion than Ohba did without making her a mere victim.

And some goes for Naomi; her indeed being tricked by Light, her being naive, yes, even in “Another Note”, doesn’t make her less sympathetic or cool. It often feels like we want to put female characters on a pedestal just so we can allow ourselves to stan them just as much as the male main characters.

I can’t see why Light is allowed to be a complex serial killer you can love or hate, while Misa isn’t. It’s telling how even people who like Misa often seem to feel the need to make her an angel, while Light fans often find it more easy to accept that he’s a bastard indeed. (There are Light apologists as well, but they at least rarely try to reduce him to nothing more than a puppet who got screwed over big time)

Even when female characters are very well-written and developed, like Discworld characters, the fandom often scrutinises them way more harshly than the male ones. But yeah, having a distinct difference in the writing of male vs female characters in a story… definitely makes the fandom react in more extreme ways. 

I would actually love to read more Misa, Naomi and Kiyomi centric stories where they’re allowed to keep their flaws while getting the development Ohba never gave them. And your ask reminded me that I can, want and should write stories like that too, haha.

[sugarycloud]

Happy new year, my mates wanted a Joe and Dianne fic but I wrote this instead cos 7 years on and I still can’t give up Carolly fic, yipes. 

As easy as breathing, carolly rpf

It was strange really, like going back in a time warp. She was good friends with Dee so she saw Dermot more often than she would have otherwise. She had got used to Dermot. But now Gary was here, Gary who she hadn’t seen since Xtra. He hadn’t been there for half of it, he had no idea. And yet here he was, singing in Dee and Dermot’s lounge, women screaming at him, the memories flooding back, and all she could think about was Olly.

Gary finishes up ‘Greatest Day’, beaming around at the assembled audience, always happy to be in front of a crowd, and starts to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ as Dermot wobbles out of the kitchen with a candle loaded cake.

After the singing and the applause dies down to a chatter filled hum, Gary makes his way over to Caroline and bundles her up in a hug. He smells the same and only then does she realise she’s remembered how Gary Barlow smells this entire time. Olly had joked about getting the same aftershave as him to get all the ladies swooning but Caroline had protested, having got used to Olly’s scent and the comfort and allure it brought her.

‘Long time no see Caroline’

‘Indeed it is Captain’

Gary grins at the nickname

‘How have you been?’ he enquires

‘I’ve been fine’ she nods to herself, staring at the ground

‘How have you really been?’ Gary says gently and she wants to start crying there and then, at her friend’s birthday with her childhood crush asking after her. She should be happy.

And yet, she was still recovering from her broken heart. Andrew had burrowed deep, set up camp, made her think it was forever and then he had shattered her into a million pieces. She had thought he was different, she had thought so wrong.

Even without Andrew, there is Olly. Olly, who without contest, remained the love of her life. She had loved Andrew, she knows she had, she still did but it was nothing compared to how she felt for Olly, still did.

And with Gary and Dermot and Dee surrounding her, it was hard to fight against the wave of feelings currently brewing up inside her, the onslaught of memories that she couldn’t escape. They had only just started talking again. They were making tentative steps forward, they wanted to be back to where they were before X Factor.

But what did that even mean? He was still with Francesca before X. She was still in turmoil over Jack. Their lives had been upended during the whole thing and they had fought solace in each other. And then it had all exploded, far too much damage to repair. So they had run, the pair of them. They had ignored each other and acted like it had never happened. But of course it had, if it hadn’t happened, they would still speak, catch up every now and then, tweet each other, follow each other on social media, talk to each other at events. But no, there was none of that, there was nothing for two years, almost three.

It was the letter, she knows that. If she had known before, that writing a not so secret love letter to him in a publication, maybe she would have done it sooner. Hired a skywriter to fly over his Essex manor ‘Being with you was as easy as breathing’. And it had been, so easy. Being around him, sleeping with him, falling into kisses, falling into bed, into oblivion. Everything else felt like walking through fog, through criticism and hate and a world screaming nothing but negativity at them. But then they’d be in bed, just them, just bliss and the rest of it would all fall away.  They stuck their heads in the sand, it felt worth it. It was so good, it was euphoria between cotton sheets, ecstasy beyond anything she had known before.

Of course, all good things had to come to an end. And come to an end they did, gradually, bit by bit before it all exploded. She had thought he had loved her too. She had thought it was forever, he didn’t know how to do forever. They didn’t know how to stop after X, the sex was that good. But after that argument, he had left her house and never come back. And after that, nothing was said at all. The new precedent was set, they weren’t to talk about it and neither of them had any idea how to repair it at all, so they didn’t even try.

The letter had been a white flag calling out to him. ‘Being with you was as easy as breathing’. She wanted it back, she wanted her air back, her lungs and heart to fill to full capacity. And now that Andrew had gone, her hopes had started fluttering again. Could they repair it? Could they try again? Could they make it work this time?

Coming back to reality, Caroline smiles at Gary

‘I’ll be ok, I know I will’

‘Course you will’ he says with affirmation ‘so how’s Olly, seen him lately?’

‘No I haven’t actually, it’s been a while’

‘What happened there? I always thought you two were soulmates, the real thing’ Gary smiles ‘you reminded me of me and Dawn’

Caroline gives him a watery smile back

‘I remember you saying before’

He had, during the very early days of 2011, she knew Gary wanted them together just as everyone else did, he said it often.

‘Stuff happened, life happened’ she takes a breath ‘a lot happened’

Gary reaches over and gives her arm a reassuring squeeze

‘You’ll figure it out, you’re meant to be you two, that always figures itself out’

----

They haven’t properly met up yet. It had mostly been texts and calls. She didn’t know if his reasoning was the same as hers, that they knew what would happen if they ended up alone together again. She didn’t really see how that could be a bad thing.

Beyond that, they both knew whatever they wanted to say would be harder face to face, they hadn’t properly discussed any of it yet. What happened during X, what happened after X. How being with him was as easy as breathing. ‘Hope you don’t mind that I admitted to being in love with you in Cosmo’

She calls him in the taxi home from Dee’s

‘Hey Caz’

‘Hey Ols’

Even that made her heart glow. Caz and Ols, how they’d been from the start.

‘Everything alright? I thought you were at Dee’s birthday?’

‘Yeah I was, I’m heading home now’ she pauses, summoning up the bravery she needs ‘so are you free soon? To like meet up?’

‘Anything for you Caz’

She inhales some courage

‘Are you free tomorrow?’

----

She spends the afternoon hoovering. She isn’t really sure why, she has a thought in the back of her mind that they can’t have sex on a dirty floor. They’d had to deal with a few carpet burns during X and that was from the Hilton which had perfectly luxurious carpet. She didn’t think they had any chance on her wooden floors and assorted rugs.

She had left Ruby with Jo, she didn’t need disruptions for this, her nerves could barely handle it as it was. They had to talk, had to really talk and the thought alone of that terrified her.

‘So, you know you broke my heart right? Utterly beyond repair. And I ended up with some dickhead instead of you. Who also broke my heart. But now I want you back because my god I miss you, I miss the sex, I miss it all being as easy as breathing. So don’t break my heart again ok?’

The doorbell rings.

---

She can feel her heart jump out of her chest the moment she opens the door. He is starting there looking at the ground, scuffing his shoes, a sheepish look on his face. He turns to face her as the door opens and she can’t quite read his expression.

‘Hey Ols’ she smiles shyly, acting far calmer than she feels ‘come on in’

‘Y’alright Caz?’ he smiles at her, follows her in and closes the door ‘nice place you have here’

‘Thanks’ she twists her hands between her, staring at his shoes, unable to meet his eye ‘you’ve not been here have you? I forgot’

‘No, no I haven’t, you moved after we…’ he trails off, swinging his arms like a pair of pendulums at his side, an awkward and heavy silence descending

‘After we had that raging fight at my old place after having sex for the last time and then you left and we didn’t speak for two years’ she wants to say. She can’t.

She clears her throat, her heart thudding and she offers tea, unable to think of anything else to do in this uncomfortable situation of her own making.

They sit on her sofa and hold their mugs in their hands, a warm comfort to ward off the bad feelings hanging over them.

After a few sips, Olly puts his down on her coffee table and turns to face her, she meets his eye this time, feeling the air charge

‘It was my fault, you know, why we fell out, I’ve always felt guilty about it’

She wants to be petty and question what he has to be guilty for, what exactly, the minute details. The argument of how he didn’t want a relationship, not turning up at the NTAs, how she got blasted in the press for being fired whereas he ‘left’, how he made her fall completely in love with him and then broke her heart, how he took away her air.

‘I saw Gary the other day you know’ she says and he looks confused at the abrupt change of topic

‘Barlow?’

‘Yes Barlow, he was singing at Dee’s birthday, it felt like 2011 all over again’

‘During Xtra, back when it was easy’

‘It wasn’t that easy Ols, god knows we had enough drama in 2011. We used to fight all the time’

‘It was the all the sexual tension’ he says with an inflection of joking but they both know it is true

‘Well it was, we never acted on it, all that tension flying around had to go somewhere. So we fought and we became best friends’ she lets out a sad sigh ‘we really were, you know, especially back in 2015. Even when everything was going on…’

‘When we were screwing each other senseless you mean?’

Caroline rolls her eyes at him

‘Yes that but I mean everything else, we went through such shit during X and you were the only one who really truly understood what it was like. Even without the sex, you were my best friend during those crazy months’

‘Caz…’

‘Don’t Ols, you always used to do that too, say Caz all soft and sad’

It had been like that the first time. They had been drinking at the Hilton, it was late and everyone else had gone to bed. He had broken up with Francesca only a couple of weeks previous. He looked at her, whispered her name, staring through her like he could see her soul. He had been so close and she couldn’t remember who had leaned forward but they were kissing and it felt like coming up for air.

They had gone to her room and after four years of waiting, they couldn’t get naked fast enough. They might as well as been shouting ‘finally’ along with their moans of pleasure. They had more than made up for the long wait that night. And so many times after.

Caroline didn’t even love the sex the most. It was the little things, the stolen kisses in dressing rooms, the waking up beside him, the constant text messages and phone calls, having coffee together during rehearsals, hugging him close at the end of each weekend, one more week checked off.

She had known she loved him near the start of X Factor but she didn’t fully realise it until they were together, in all the ways, all the time. Kissing him, sleeping with him, talking to him constantly, collectively it wound her heart up in such knots until she could barely handle it.

And then after X, when they really should have stopped. She kept telling herself, her heart kept tugging at him, that it would work out. That a couple of drunken snogs with random girls meant nothing. That and the times they kept hooking up, but never going on actual dates should have set alarm bells ringing, alas.

She had been so mad after his no show at the NTAs as well, she had gone to his and they had argued but they ended up just having mind blowing make up sex.

It had been mid March, at hers. He was in town for work and asked if he could pop by after. She wasn’t busy and she knew what it was for so she’d said yes. But after he had got up to go home and she couldn’t take it anymore. She wanted answers, she wanted more than just casual hook ups with the love of her life.

And he had given her answers, answers she soon realised she didn’t want at all. He didn’t want this, a relationship, more press invasion, commitment. He wanted fun and sex and he wanted her. But her tangled heart couldn’t fathom having only a part of him. She wanted it all, he wanted a part. There was no compromise, and the fallout had been catastrophic.

He had stormed out, they deleted each other off all the social media and communication ceased. Caroline felt like a part of her heart had been scooped out, a cold hole right in the centre of her that she couldn’t rid of, her air stolen from her. He had left one of his jumpers at hers and she had slept in it for weeks after. She lost count of how many times she picked up the phone to call him, or text him, or to stalk him on all the social media she had unfollowed him on.

Time was a healer they said, she moved on, she told herself she was over him, and the pain did lessen as the months and years went by. But it never truly went away. And now sitting here, on her sofa with Olly, making her angry and sad and filled with love as he says her name softly, her emotions churn and curdle within her, firing in every direction. She puts her tea down, takes a giant breath and slides into his lap. His arms come around her, like a jigsaw fitting into place. He smells exactly the same.

She leans back to look at him and she doesn’t know who leans in, but they are kissing. Kissing like they haven’t kissed since the very first time. She wants him so badly, she feels like she could crawl right into his skin, nothing is close enough. Being with him is as easy as breathing.

She hears something fall over as he chucks his shirt across the room, she doesn’t care. She flings her bra in the same direction, as he kisses here and she scrunches into him, gripping his hair with all her might. She undoes the button and fly on his jeans before her own and realises they will have to part to get out of their trousers. Such a dilemma, to move apart to be closer together.

She reluctantly rises off him and he hops up beside her to drag down his own too tight jeans. Sans trousers and pants, Olly kneels before her and thumbs her underwear down, his mouth at her navel.

‘God I’ve missed this’ he says softly as he kisses there

He grabs behind her knees, pulling her towards the floor, and as she hits the floor with a slight thud it flits across her mind that she is glad she hoovered.

‘Are you still on-?’

‘Yeah, yeah’

He is still between her legs, kissing the inside of her thighs but for once, she is too impatient.

‘Come here’ she beckons and he puts his arms either side of her, hovering above her as she kisses him, her arms around his neck, her hands bundled in his hair, her heart exploding with love for him.

He moves within her, his face burying into and kissing her neck, and it feels like the future and the past all at once.

Caroline wraps her legs around his back and they twist and turn as she ends up above him

‘My favourite view’ he smirks as she laughs with ecstasy and joy

They convene upstairs afterwards, a replay all over again of the first time, making up for lost moments, lost could have been memories. Only in the late evening after they’ve eaten and crawled back into bed, do they properly talk again. She lies on his chest, his fingers playing on her back, the other arm stretched behind his head. It felt easier like this, like the way it was before, rather than stifled and fully clothed conversations on her couch.

‘You broke my heart you know’

‘Yeah, I’m sorry, I do know that’ he sighs and kisses her head

‘It was just so much Caz. And I handled it completely wrong, I know I did. But as much as I wanted to be with you, I didn’t know how. I had just ended the most serious relationship of my life and then within no time at all, you and me were fucking, all while X Factor was going on. By the end, it felt like we’d been on a rollercoaster and when we got off, I was so dizzy I could barely get my thoughts straight. All I knew was that I couldn’t do it. All of it. You wanting marriage and babies when my mind was in turmoil was too much to handle. So I fucked it up, I didn’t know what else to do’

Caroline feels her mind clear a fraction, muddled up things finally starting to make sense. They were both broken after X Factor, Caroline wanted to move on, move on with him. Olly didn’t know how.

‘When did you figure all this out Ols?’

‘In therapy’

‘Was it good, did it help?’

‘It did, yeah. It makes you realise things that sometimes are staring you right in the face but your mind is just too messed up to see. It puts things in order a bit’

‘Yeah I get that, it helps.’

‘And of course I wanted to make things right with you. But I didn’t know how. We hadn’t spoken in such a long time. And then you were with Andrew. But then that letter’ he sighs ‘it made me realise that you still loved me’

‘So you messaged me’

‘So I messaged you’

‘We broke up that day you know, I mean we broke up a lot of times, I was so stupid, it was all so stupid, but he knew I still loved you. He saw my face when I got that text. He felt like second choice and Andrew never liked being second’

‘Don’t I know it’ Olly laughs

‘Oh shush’ she pokes him in the ribs ‘you came second on a talent show once, you’ve had plenty of number ones since to make up for it’ she pauses ‘you’re the love of my life, first forever and always’

She looks up to him and he kisses her, a soft smooch, the kind you’d have in the morning before you’d depart for the day. An ‘I’ll see you later’ kiss, not the all consuming ferocious kind they had leading to sex.

‘You’re the love of my life too Caz, forever and always’ he smiles, kisses her again ‘so what do you reckon? Do you think we can make this work?’

‘What do you think? Do you think we can make this work? The way we should have back then?’

‘Yeah Caz, I think we can’

‘We’re going to have to talk, properly, do this thing right’

‘Caz, darling, we can talk as much as you like, whatever you need, I’m your man’

‘Yes’ she grins ‘yes you are’

Caroline takes a breath, her lungs full of air, her heart happy. As easy as breathing.

[shabmohammed]

Always wanted to talk about this but... I was always a bit hesitant because it's not something that is openly discussed.

Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, you know all that cringe topics no one likes to talk about. But I feel it's more rampant than we wish to admit... unfortunately.

I have never been diagnosed by a professional to be depressed or suffered from anxiety or panic attacks just wanted to state that before I continue.

I have been through alot of unfortunate events in my life health wise and because of the early age and the snow ball rate it all happened... it took me a while before I really got a chance to realize the magnitude of what was really happening.

I was strong at first and decided to take on this battle head on. After a while of fighting and being positive it started to get to me.... it was getting so hard and exhausting.

The days i was at home alone was the worse😑 those were my hardest battles harder than the actual sickness. Your mind can be a very scary place, you can be your worse enemy at times.

You know your deepest darkest secrets, insecurities, fears, failures, embarrassing memories... anything that can be used to break you is stored in you mind and when you are alone that's your only friend.

Friend! yeah right! more like demons pretending to be different friends giving you advice that is in your best interest. Hope I'm not confusing any one. Let me break it down.

On this particular day I was at home alone in my bed feeling really sick in alot of pain...😷🤕🤢🤧 now i will take physical pain any day, than deal with my mental demonic friends, they hurt more.

Because they break you down when you are at your lowest by giving you ideas of how to feel better and stop the frustration... "it will be better for everyone" the voice wispers "don't you think your parents had enough to deal with?" Your mom looked so tired this morning and your poor dad is at his wits end.... everyone is tired of you and this situation you should set yourself free.... yessss.... be free don't you want to be free from this pain? Everyone would be sad for a while but think about how better it will be for them to be free from you and all this. But God was present that day thankfully.... otherwise i can almost guarantee i wouldn't be here writing this long ass post😎

Thank God that he never gave up on me because those demons tried really hard and i came so close to giving in... they had all the answers all the solutions and all the methods in which i would end it all... the wispers never stop they are always there reminding you of how much you and your life brings unhappiness to your family and everyone around.

God wispers were faint and distant but was worth more than the millions of negative ones. I fought my way out and found different avenues to keep my mind occupied so that i could not hear them anymore.... and eventually not as much and now their wispers are the faint ones and worthless.

I wrote all this to give an idea that i got a taste of what it is like to have a sick mind and it may not be the entire story or exactly what a truly mentally ill person experiences but i needed to let it out.

Chester from Linkin Park committed suicide and i was reading some of the comments that was left by people and it was so heartbreaking how mean some people can be. Mental illness is real and very scary and just like a physical illness it hurts and breaks you down from inside out any one willing to know more can contact me and i will get into my experiences more but for now... just try and be kind to everyone it may save a life.

Don't judge some thing that you have no idea of or experienced... we all have battles and trials to face. It will cost you nothing to be kind it takes the same energy to say something nice as it takes to be nasty just saying.

There is much more to this but i will end it here because i think you get it. God is great and leave judgement to him. Be your brothers and sisters keepers be kind and live life and love 😘

[shabmohammed]

The demons and their wispers

Always wanted to talk about this but… I was always a bit hesitant because it’s not something that is openly discussed.

Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, you know all that cringe topics no one likes to talk about. But I feel it’s more rampant than we wish to admit… unfortunately.

I have never been diagnosed by a professional to be depressed or suffered from anxiety or panic attacks just wanted to state that before I continue.

I have been trough alot of unfortunate events in my life health wise and because of the early age and the snow ball rate it all happened… it took me a while before I really got a chance to realize the magnitude of what was really happening.

I was strong at first and decided to take on this battle head on. After a while of fighting and being positive it started to get to me…. it was getting so hard and exhausting.

The days i was at home alone was the worse😑 those were my hardest battles harder than the actual sickness. Your mind can be a very scary place, you can be your worse enemy at times.

You know your deepest darkest secrets, insecurities, fears, failures, embarrassing memories… anything that can be used to break you is stored in you mind and when you are alone that’s your only friend.

Friend! yeah right! more like demons pretending to be different friends giving you advice that is in your best interest. Hope I’m not confusing any one. Let me break it down.

On this particular day I was at home alone in my bed feeling really sick in alot of pain…😷🤕🤢🤧 now i will take physical pain any day, than deal with my mental demonic friends, they hurt more. Because they break you down when you are at your lowest by giving you ideas of how to feel better and stop the frustration… “it will be better for everyone” the voice wispers “don’t you think your parents had enough to deal with?” Your mom looked so tired this morning and your poor dad is at his wits end…. everyone is tired of you and this situation you should set yourself free…. yessss…. be free don’t you want to be free from this pain? Everyone would be sad for a while but think about how better it will be for them to be free from you and all this. But God was present that day thankfully…. otherwise i can almost guarantee i wouldn’t be here writing this long ass post😎

Thank God that he never gave up on me because those demons tried really hard and i came so close to giving in… they had all the answers all the solutions and all the methods in which i would end it all… the wispers never stop they are always there reminding you of how much you and your life brings unhappiness to your family and everyone around.

God wispers were faint and distant but was worth more than the millions of negative ones. I fought my way out and found different avenues to keep my mind occupied so that i could not hear them anymore…. and eventually not as much and now their wispers are the faint ones and worthless.

I wrote all this to give an idea that i got a taste of what it is like to have a sick mind and it may not be the entire story or exactly what a truly mentally ill person experiences but i needed to let it out.

Chester from Linkin Park committed suicide and i was reading some of the comments that was left by people and it was so heartbreaking how mean some people can be. Mental illness is real and very scary and just like a physical illness it hurts and breaks you down from inside out any one willing to know more can contact me and i will get into my experiences more but for now… just try and be kind to everyone it may save a life.

Don’t judge some thing that you have no idea of or experienced… we all have battles and trials to face. It will cost you nothing to be kind it takes the same energy to say something nice as it takes to be nasty just saying.

There is much more to this but i will end it here because i think you get it. God is great and leave judgement to him. Be your brothers and sisters keepers be kind and live life and love 😘