#BUT ITS OK...ill get it fixed
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I AM FINALLY FINISHED WITH NATURE AU ANIMATIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(It'll be going up on my YouTube channel fully sometime tomorrow because I still need to draw it a thumbnail but in the meantime since you guys have been waiting so patiently already, you get to see it early!!)
#fairly oddparents#fairly oddparents a new wish#fop a new wish#fop nature au#dev dimmadome#dale dimmadome#some of the old drawings make me wanna implode but thats ok ♥#Its already taken me so long just to finish it im not gonna risk trying to fix old frames in case it gets stuck in development hell again#development hell. heh.#OK maybe ill change a few frames by tomorrows upload but it wont be by very much#I literally JUST finished animating#and sometimes you need to sit on things a little bit to make sure they're actually coming across like you want them too#WHATEVER IM STALLING BY TYPING JUST TAKE IT#Youtube
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I love fandoms, especially witnessing what fans take away from source material and how fans interpret it based on their experiences. Not to mention the stark difference of interaction between new fans, casual fans, experienced fans, and long-term fans.
I say this because the SVSSS fandom has continuously fascinated me in insisting in discussions that there are parallels between Shen Jiu and Luo Binghe (tell don't show), but in their fanworks, I just see parallels between Luo Binghe and Yue Qingyuan (show don't tell).
And it's not even (fully) a case where they're blending character personalities because they want what the other dynamic has, it's just how the characters are based on canon in two different timelines.
All of this to say, perhaps original draft PIDW (NOT original!PIDW nor pre!SY PIDW which are completely different) was supposed to revolve around the dynamic between SJ and YQY vs SJ and LBH. Perhaps YQY was to be the last hour mastermind, the true foil to LBH.
And fandom is just circling this idea without realising it because, once again, the unreliable narrator that is SY has already convinced this fandom that any version of SJ has to be a/the villain, regardless if it's through his own actions or baseless rumours.
Warning, run-on sentence ahead.
I don't know, mans, but it's gotta mean something that LBH and YQY have such similar life beats of being orphaned and having a tough life but remaining kind/compassionate because they had someone to live for until they didn't which left them empty until they found (or refound in YQY's case) one (1) man to obsess over in an uncomfortably intrusive way with no regards for his feelings and rejections, eventually reaching a position as the most powerful being in existence with a huge caveat that their sword is 83% of that power and is slowly killing them which did nothing to soften said man of their obsession's into showing them kindness leading to the ultimate confrontation between the two in which only one could survive and keep their obsession, not that it mattered because neither of them got to experience his feelings reciprocated, except in another timeline where the same things are happening until their obsession suddenly stops rejecting their (still intrusive) advances even if he is acting a bit silly, but hey take advantage while you can and take advantage they did because now they have that reciprocated feeling (except one still "won" as he gets to keep him for himself) and be thankful that all it took was, in their perspective, a near death fever that drastically changed his personality and most likely left him crippled in some other way, preventing their obsession from not NOT needing them anymore, all-in-all fulfilling their desire to be relied upon again, hooray! 😋😁✌🏽
In all seriousness, at the end of the day people are going to draw connections between characters that fit whatever narrative they understood from the story. SVSSS fandom just seems to be trying to convince others of one narrative while believing on a deeper level of another narrative. It's amusing and makes following the fandom fun.
#the hippo speaks#shen qingqiu#shen jiu#luo binghe#mxtx svsss#svsss#svsss fandom#yue qingyuan#i am never going to get over that the fix it for the pidw!timeline proposed by svsss#was to put its titular character through traumatic brain injury that changed his personality and scrambled his memory#all so these two overly attached men could have their feelings returned#i know that's grossly simplifying it but sometimes you gotta do that#to understand the sheer horror of what actually occurred#sj: I hate men because they've ruined me to get what they want. i will never again give men what they want.#system: well that's not gonna fly buddy so we'll just replace you with someone who will give men what they want#also system: but the kicker is your replacement won't know he's giving them what they want because he doesn't understand your trauma 😁#system cont.: so it'll actually be super romantic and just a hint traumatising here and there for when he doesn't give in#system cont.: but thats ok because he's soft so he'll bre- ahem fall for one of these men soon enough#system: and then all will be saved 🥰 just like the replacement sqh accepting his man's abuse instead of fighting it teehee 😋#telling y'all the system is a reference to ill advised fans who think being stalked is a complimemt and being abused is protective#and being gaslit is just how people talk 🥲#the hippo tags
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maría for the ad astra zine! lc u will be missed T_T
#lalin's curse#maria lalins curse#maria navarro becerra#OUUAHHHHGHGGGGG#Stop i miss lalins curse so bad. ough.#sorry i hsve many thoughts do not look at these tags theyrre long#i always had a feeling it wouldn't come back but i'm still so sad like thats my daughter........ my kids.... for reals...... i was#around their age when i started reading and now i'm like 19 they shouldve grown up with us FUCKKKKK i miss rhem so bad. timeskip davias.#i think i spent like an entire year with the lc/delete worms it's one of the smaller fandoms#that ive been in so i'm surprised but also there was SO much going on in thzt damn comic. hwhere is church boy WHY VALOR THE BUS DRIVER#i remember getting ownership of the fandom wiki and spending an insane amount of time on the home page and fixing it all jusr for fandom t#COMPLETELY CHANGE THEOR LAYOUT i think that killed the vibe for me tbh. fanodmwiki alwyas at the scene of the crime#Whahteverrrrrrrrrrr#what ever man.#seeing it go is so sad like ik it'll be revived eventually but OUGH the comic was so well done. i still recommend it so bad even though its#a terrible cliffhanger (itd ok we know what happens)(Lie)#i still need to own delete one day. Ill learn spanishtrust me. idk isaky art changed my life so much i'm so glad she won snowmiku and got s#many insane opportunities I hope she always wins forever. rhe four other laliners that follow me i hope you are still here. hiiiiiii#putting this zine together with all my lc oomfs was so nice and it's such a nice farewell to the comic AUHH go check outthe others plz#okau over. Lc changedmy life sorru#art tag
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Woe, unfinished, mildly edited, fulfire fic tid-bits be upon you
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Like a magnet, his optics kept drifting back to Misfire's face. His stupid, strangely charming face.
For a short while, after Clemency, it had been that face that haunted some of his nightmares. His recalls blurring the lines between the strange reality of Misfire's hands reaching into him to lock his fuel pump back into the very spot he'd pulled it from, and the fear that just as easily he could pull it out again. They had been bloody dreams. Dreams that had him startling awake, gripping his chest in the vain attempt to close what wasn't open, before spending the rest of the day avoiding Misfire's optics.
But now things were different. Not Misfire's face. No, that hadn't changed much. But Fulcrum's dreams had definitely changed. To say the least of what all rolled around in his processor as he slept nowadays.
Some of those newer dreams had crept to the forefront of his mind as he sat there on the couch, staring as the lights of the screen reflected dully across Misfire's plating in hazy blues and greys.
The lighting made his colors seem muddy and faded, but Fulcrum didn't really care, nor did he care to think what it made himself look like. He was too busy bringing an empty engex can to his lips while he watched the crinkle of Misfire's nose as he barked a laugh at something Fulcrum didn't catch onscreen.
He'd started noticing it months ago, all the ways the silvery mesh of Misfire's face would scrunch up with his emotions. Those little crinkles along his optics and nose when he laughed or glared. The creases indented along his cheeks when he grinned. Fulcrum found himself quietly logging away these little details. Idle notes and observations that had suddenly started piling up in the corners of his processer.
He… He'd never really done that before? He'd never really noticed those sorts of things in other mechs.
The faces and expressions of his past colleagues never seemed terribly important. All the details of every smile and frown were never worth filing away, outside of few notable moments where those expressions reflected his work performance. But besides the smile that meant promotion, and the frown that meant he'd screwed up, nothing else was noticeable. Nothing was worth remembering.
But now the memory of every genuine laugh that bubbled out of Misfire sat comfortably besides memories of warm joyful optics that Fulcrum found himself collecting every time Crankcase cracked a rare half-smile for him, or when Krok placed a reassuring hand against his back, or the times Spinister spontaneously pointed out something odd but ultimately nice about his stupid frame.
He didn't really know why he was doing it, memorizing all these mundane little things, just to have them flit through his processer randomly. Maybe it was because those expressions, those details, felt… comforting? Comforting in such a strange and unfamiliar way. But, a good way. A good sort of strange, much like the mechs themselves.
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He had stared for a long moment, the credits and their rolling tune playing somewhere in the background as Fulcrum stared back. But Misfire was never one for personable silence, even as the sound of some likely long dead Iaconian orchestra filled the room.
"What is it?" He asked, a small chuckle escaping him as he brought a hand to his face, "Don't tell me I've poured it all over myself again."
It had taken Fulcrum longer than usual to unstick his glossa from the roof of his mouth as he watched Misfire run a thumb over his lips, but eventually he had coughed out a small, choked, "No."
That had earned him an odd look at first, but with their fields loose and open, Fulcrum could almost feel the exact moment something clicked in Misfire's mind, as the idle comfortable static he projected in pulsing waves evened out into something openly curious and almost subdued.
It wasn't often Fulcrum felt him that clearly.
Misfire tended to keep his field fairly close, though, maybe not as close as the others did, what with how Crankcase kept an iron grip on his, and how Krok's always held an air of strained control, even when it slipped from him. But still, Misfire's was always hard to read, no matter the reach or depth of his field.
Even then and there, with it loose and unfiltered and buzzing with the engex running through his system, there was an ever present undertone of something indescribably jumbled about him, like too many feelings at once, each too vast and hurried for Fulcrum to really feel or understand.
It always seemed to stir the passive anxiety Fulcrum must've been forged with when Misfire's field brushed against his own. As facing the indescribable vague mess of Misfire felt like trying to untangle a pile of live-wires he couldn't even see.
It was almost frustrating in a sense, the need to try and sort and understand what wasn't even his to begin with. But at the same time it was almost exciting as well. It was like a game, like a puzzle he had yet to solve.
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Finally letting his own can go tumbling to the floor to join Misfire's, Fulcrum had brought a hand to cover his face as he drew his legs up and leaned back against the arm of the couch, trying to suppress the fit as the sly look slipped from Misfire's face at the sounds.
While Fulcrum had laughed, and… snorted, embarrassingly, he had felt Misfire's field change again, brushing something fizzy and almost warm against his plating as Misfire's features softened.
"I'm looking at you," Fulcrum had said then between gulps of air, letting his hand fall from his face as he reached out to poke at Misfire's chest, "Dumbaft."
His finger had lingered over the thick plating there for maybe a little longer than necessary, drawing Misfire's attention as it slid down a little before pulling away.
Looking back up again with his helm angled slightly, Misfire had followed the sight of his hand leaving his plating to where Fulcrum let it fall between them.
"Wow…" Misfire had chuckled a little dryly, "I was gonna make it real easy for you. I was going to say something like, ''Do you like what you see?'' or-… or something like that. But now you've ruined it. Good job."
Meeting Fulcrum's optics again as he pulled his own hand back from Fulcrum's shoulder, he brought it to rest between them as well.
"And you're laughing at me," He said next, faking a small pout as his hand drifted closer to Fulcrum's, "Which totally ruins the whole vibe I was going for really. I mean, it's sort of hard to be all nice and suave-like when you're being laughed at. Total vibe killer. Bit of an ego killer too if I'm being honest. So thanks for that loser, thanks for saying I have a funny face."
With Misfire's fingers brushing distractingly past his own, Fulcrum didn't think before the words stumbled out of him.
"I like your face."
It came out almost matter of fact sounding, Fulcrum's laughter having died down while Misfire complained about it. But at the same time the words felt so simple, they came out so easily, and in a weird way they felt nice to say. But Misfire's optics had widened in surprise, his frame frozen and his field suddenly struck quiet, and despite the engex numbing his usual nerves, Fulcrum felt a sudden pang of anxiety because of it.
The silence in Misfire's field was terribly alien. It felt wrong, and something in Fulcrum spiraled to think he had caused it. But slowly, almost as if it were creeping forward, an odd almost scrutinizing uncertainty fanned outward in a careful wave. Misfire moved with it, leaning closer as he searched Fulcrum's expression for something.
"Oh yeah?" He'd said lowly then, and that sly look returned. But that vague uncertainty didn't fade with it, if anything, Fulcrum felt it strengthen. Caught between what he saw, in Misfire's easy smile and dimmed optics, and what he felt, in the growing hollow distance within their fields, Fulcrum found himself frowning and pulling back.
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Growing frustrated with himself, and wanting that feeling back, he had pushed forward, shifting onto his knees as he reached for Misfire's face before the other could pull away from him entirely.
"I like your face." He said firmly, maybe too firmly. His expression still drawn into a frown as he pressed his fingers into Misfire's helm, brushing his thumbs across the silver mesh he'd been staring so intently at before. "I like your optics, and your nose. I- I like the way you smile. When you really smile, and when you laugh. I do. I'm not lying."
And oh there it was again, that little curl of warmth in Misfire's field. Almost a tangible thing, like a brush of ventilation, but Misfire wasn't venting. His mouth hung open ever so slightly, but no breath left him as he stared at Fulcrum with widening optics.
Spurred on by that tiny bloom of warmth, Fulcrum chased after it with slightly slurred words and clumsy hands as he tried to fix whatever he'd done wrong, hoping with each word that Misfire might soften and smile again.
"I like your expressions, and- and I like your voice," He said, glancing down at Misfire's parted lips, and laughing softly, nervously, as he continued, "Even when you say something so stupid. I like- I like the way it sounds. I like your accent, I like the way it makes your words sound. I- I like your- your mouth?"
Once more that weird but nice feeling settled in Fulcrum's chest. Those simple words felt good to say. It felt like a weight off his shoulders, like an admission he'd been waiting to say. About what and why? He wasn't really sure. But the warmth grew, and Misfire took a sharp vent inwards, and that felt right, so Fulcrum kept on.
"I like your helm," He said with a smile, reaching up to brush his fingers over the jutting finials there, before dropping his hands to settle lightly over Misfire's chest. "I like your frame, the colors of it. I like your-"
Before he could finish, Misfire was surging forward, knocking their helms together and nearly bruising the mesh of their noses as he tried for, and just barely missed, Fulcrum's lips.
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👁👁👍
#just gonna go ahead and share this before i think too hard about it and chicken out lol#idk. this has been sitting unfinished for a while now. but i'm fond of it and keep going back to re-read it. so?? yeah. idk#maybe i'll get around to finishing it. i like writing out all the like. sensory stuff with this. lots of neat stuff to try with em fields#also fulc being a very earnest drunk lol. and mis trying to be all casual and smooth despite balking in the face of it bcs he's a hot mess#i dunno. i think the og idea behind this was kinda turning the reassurance around to mis. just sorta breaking him down with nice words#fulc is usually on the receiving end of comfort and reassurance. not always. but enough so that it had me thinking bout it other ways round#idk. ultimately its like. just slapping mis with a mild praise kink and seeing what happens when fulc just says nice things to him#the bar is so low for them. fulc is like 'i like your face' with conviction and mis is half-way to keeling over bcs. damn. he needed that#my fav flavor of this is just them approaching romance from two drastically different angles. not on the same page. different books lol#mis plays it all like a surface level game. he's just trying to keep things light and airy. but fulc is going right for the kill#also hitting fulc with the demi romantic/sexual beam adds another fun layer to it all-#-this isnt his playing field. but he's sure as hell winning without really knowing why#ok. i've been up for way too long. was on sick dog duty overnight. its like 8am now and i haven't slept a wink lol#so if there's errors or smth sounds off. idk. pretend you didn't see it. ill fix it later. or i wont. idk. toodles <333#(also this is barely the tip of the iceberg fic wise. depending on how i feel bout this after a nap? might share bits of the big ghost fic-#(-cause that ones at like. 24k-ish now??? and thats only the 1st chap and half of the 2nd. its the fulc sees ghosts concept on steroids)#fulfire#my writing
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dk family for the ones that need to cease the rage
#EDIT: i removed the two drawings to put them into a future dkfam post :p#and also for the people that only want the cute sprite pile#homestuck#davekat#the grind never stops#karkat vantas#dave strider#davekat fankids#once again nana procrastinates the september asks in favor of davekat#because apparently im naturally attracted to bad ship opinions and have to bear the burden of seeing them with my two innocent eyes#its ok nofin davekat family cant fix <3#sprite edit#ill get betta writing characters guys i swaer#dkfam
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powerful sorcerer with magical storm blood who can still magic and rend minds and transform people btw
#pannic button. dont read my thoughts. uhm. I Wish I Was Riding My Girlfriend On A Nice Vacation Somewhere Rn?#[SUCCESS] 'ok well you want her but our god can give u something better than the avernus aether twist. for your consideration'#can the absolute do this (GIVES HER A LITTLE KISS ON THE FOREHEAD AND HOLDS HER HAND AND ITS NICE) HMM???#anyways im at moonrise now after whatt feels like forever. a lot of the noncombat checks were fun with him though!! sorc/bard priveleges!!#halsin's big fuzzy owlbear ass is hard for everyone to maneauver around now EXCEPT for arque who can fly. why are you cracked dude#ok last thing. arque is my pretty princess who keeps getting in situations. goblin kidnapping caused by drinking weird juice.#omeluum's brainworm mulcher caused by more madness juice. the githyanki device. well arque drank mystery elixer by an undead guy aagain#and everyone APPROVED. everyone loves arquebait ou ha ha. he's literally fine hes the party guineapig his magic will fix it probablymaybe.#he moments later stuck his hand into a wet fleshy wall hole and got STUCK and panicked yanking his arm out. shadowheart told em#'hm. maybe do not do that.' arque does it again and has horrible mental visions again. BUT WAS HE HURT? no and now we know more!#SO GUYS...ITS OKAY..... if something happen to arque itll eitjer be fixed by his arcane abilities or its like fine if not. its just arque#(this is a whole thing about his implied character to me. but now i'm getting too into the ocs..point is i love that he can keep Doing This#anyways thats all for me im spamming my private twt but yapping in tags only here so i dont ruin public tags. arquelach 4ever btw#goodnight ill... be another week until i can continue seeinh what the fucjs up with ketheric thorm. crazy good voice on him btw#i would have more to say about him being a nice voiced old man but (gestures) (karlach) this is all i thinkabout#baldur's gate 3#i need an oc tag#arquelach
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patapon (HEAD IN MY FUCKING HANDS
#UNBELIEVABLE IF THEY RELEASE THE SAME REMASTER BUT BETTER WITHOUT ONLINE. SCREAM. SCREAM#FOR WHAT PURPOSE? FOR WHAT PURPOSE? ITS EVEN ON PS4 AGAIN FOR WHAT PURPOSE?#itll be nice to have on steam BUT THATS IT THATS REALLY HTE ONLY GOOD THING I CAN SAY IF IT HAS NO ONLINE (SCREAM#I DOUBT THIS REMAKE HAS THE ORIGINAL ART DESIGNER EITHER> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#if they dont fix any of the And in this tip screen theyre missing a leg ILL SCREAM#Its gonna be ok. Bandai namco can make a good remaster. UNLIKE WHEOEVR THE FUCK DID THE OTHER ONE#Oh i just had a horrible thought. What if online was dlc 🥹#i just want to play with my friends in an easier way that doesnt kick me out for no reason And have max levels on everything..#oh it would be really funny to restart everytime you mess up in the anvil game And you see the guy open up PATAPON 1+2 REPLAY#i assume theres a Quit to main screen button so you dont even get to do that. But imagine.#Ok thats all My thoughts on patapon coming to steam. and swtich but im not doing that. and ps4 but oim not doing that
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Stressing
#im gonna be fine but like#im gonna stress about it until its fixed#ive got 3 bills due and no money to pay them#i just keep getting more and more behind because#every time i think ill be ok something else happens#like needing a new car#and taking my cat to the vet#and i def shouldnt be buying as many groceries as i do but its hard for me to#ask for help#im tired#my job is slowly killing me#im finally getting into a hobby again but i have to buy stuff and i cant#biweekly pay is a scam honestly#im so fucking tired and i literally cant do anything else about it#except wait
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the thing is like. my field is really cool and I do enjoy my job in theory but in reality I just don't think I'm built for this, and I'm frankly a little tired of people going "noooo you're so good at what you do" and in the same breath telling me all the ways I've fucked up by not being as attentive and at 100% energy while I'm here
#i cant like. complain about my job ever either bc people are always like#“you should be grateful blahblah you have such a cool job im so jealous whatever” like. ok let me just put the lives#of 100+ creatures directly into your hands and watch you squirm when everything starts to go wrong due to#a) yet-untreated mental illness fucking up your mind and b) countless institutional problems that make it extremely difficult#to get things you need to do your job correctly. but noooo its your fault for not knowing how to fix everything on the spot.#anyway. if one more person tells me nooo youre so good at your job people are just stupid im gonna flip#like. im not good at my job. thats just. a fact. im not built for this#i just dont know what else to do. my only real feasible option is something im kind of ass at. and i need to like.#accept that and come to terms with the fact that ill always be the weakest link or find something else#like no just straight up TELL ME what im doing wrong and tell me how i can fix it or do better. no more of this “youre doing great”#but also heres 10000 things you have a chronic problem at getting right. go fix them. IN THE SAME SENTENCD.
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me: im over bleach
the new series: iconic 80s twang original bleach soundtrack with drippy new electric guitar riffs
my entire dick: ⬆️⬆️⬆️
#origimals#bleach#i will never be over bleach. i was 15.#im like “the interest isnt that strong anymore ill be ok” and then almost puke in happiness when i boot that shit up#bleach isnt even good. it isnt even good#calling my ex when i get drunk except its. bleach#I COULD HAVE FIXED HER..........#emeto mention
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oz vessalius.
#mine#everybody clapped#pandora hearts#bruh i swear to shit if i actually wake up to a ph reboot this year ill actually throw up and cry. ALL IN GOOD WAYS BUT GOD#STOP TEASING ME AM I JOKE TO YOU TELL ME UR GIVING ME BACK MY SON I NEED HIM BACK PLEASE#oz vessalius#i need him i need him back no matter what happens ill be ok if i get to see and HEAR him again#GOD. THERES SO MANY SCENES THAT WOULD RIP ME APART WITH JUNKO MINGAWA'S BEAUTIFUL PERFECT VOICE#AND U KNOW WHAT!!!! ITS HOW I WANNA GO. TEAR ME UP JUNKO. RIP ME UP WITH THE TRUTH ARC I CAN TAKE IT#ANYTHING TO SEE MY SON AGAIN IT WOULD ACTUALLY FIX ME PLEASE
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stupid asshole who lives in my brain
#haven#oc#traditional media#monochrome#lineart#sketch#horrible beast who i am finally closing in on a narrative for#im so glad honestly i hate having characters just float around disconnected from any kind of actual story with no point#kind of fitting that he was stuck being a tool without a purpose for a while honestly lmao#in terms of a character i have he was very much a purpose-built tool for specific situations#and then i stopped doing oc erp so he stopped being useful#as a *character* he was also about being a tool purpose-built for specific situations (managing really complicated operations#and doing extreme violence to lots of people at once) and now his narrative is about him doing his best to get rid of the situations#and then discovering he doesn't have a purpose and going completely off the rails about it#unfortunately (fortunately? makes him fun to write) he is also an overdramatic entitled pissbaby of a man without the good sense god gave a#rock so he does all sorts of dumb stupid shit all the fucking time if he feels even a little bit bad so he does nothing normal about this#when its done ill share it#ah shit i forgot about . alt text hang on#this one's really only for archival purposes anyway i cant imagine anyone's reblogging this man to their dash#he's so annoying.#ok fixed the alt text
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i would like to play the fields of the mistria too but alas i cant play early access games<3 i will be patiently waiting
#stardust speaking !#(rmbrs i havent plyd coral island yet) oh no. we must fix that#I THINK ITS COOL GAMES CAN RELEASE EARLY ACCESS. however. i am not the audience for it. but i was very happy to hear how beloved it is#when it released LOL farmsim 4 life. i hope we can have like 5 successful ones a year one day. HOPIUM#ok i should be plyng rf3 cuz i miss sofia but alas. rf5 is calling for me#sorry anb ill get abck to u asap too..............witchy...........#im looking for the moonlight one cuz i think the entire concept of being a vampire & plyng at nighttime is cool
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tried putting on my radiator for the first time this winter (we've had snow this week.... its focking cold) but it trips the fusebox for the entire flat lmfao. I'm fuuuucked 😐
#all the other radiators work fine its just mine :'(((#and bc its thw weekend they wont come out to fix it until monday at least so thats great#its fine i havent needed it on this week so far and i have layers and a hot water bottle so ill be fine but i did cry abt it a bit#but not so much abt the radiator just a lot on my mind.. i couldnt pick up my prescription after work either bc the secretary left half an#hour early and the very kind nurse who had a look for it anyway couldnt find it and i cant get there any earlier next week bc of work#i know itll be fine ive already sent an email to ask if they can send it to my local pharmacy instead ill get my meds before they run out#but still i cried a bit walking home from the clinic 😢 just been a long week even if not a bad one. and i miss my friend whos moving#he'll be on the plane now.... man. its a bit selfish but im also sad abt it bc he always noticed how i was feeling when i was at the gym#like if i was privately dealing w some shit or just wasnt quite myself he could tell n would find a moment to gently ask or just be there#without probing abt it like man hes so reassuring and kind and has such a big heart. before he left he asked me to look out for some of#the quieter ones in our group and make sure they feel included and someones listening to them when he wont be around to anymore#😢💔💔💔💔 and i know i didnt know him long enough to become proper good friends with him but it meant a lot that he looked out for me#like all i really want in this world is to feel seen n safe esp when im having a hard time. and none of my closer friends really do that#and thats okay like its not their fault and they just express their way of caring differently but sometimes i feel so lonely ah....#and also my period is due and im kind of scared of how painful itll be bc the last few have been so bad snd i find loneliness a lot harder#when im in a lot of pain and anyway this is all probably just the pre period hormones making me so tearful so it doesnt matter#its ok made a big bowl of rice so im going to eat that wrapped up cosy in bed with a movie i think. and then sleep#.diaries
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my last class got cancelled again. YIPPEEE
#num speaks#this is the second thursday in a row he cancelled#i feel bad bc hes sick#and just keeps getting sick 😭#but! i get to go home. so thats a win.#still feel bad for my teacher tho#also they fixed the stupid wire so i still have to attend my dumb three hour french class#URG#it wldve been fun to go home super early…#its ok. ill do this and then eat some fucking food bc i havent eaten at all
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sometimes its like my life is just one big call for help
#please worry about me. please worry about me please worry about me someone worry about me#fuck. fuck#why do i need to apolgize for being a person with thoughts and feelings and shortcomings#why does it feel like i owe the world an apology for being who i am#why does it feel like i need to make up for the fact that im me by giving everything i could ever give#like im sorry its me im giving you im sorry this is all i can give. im sorry that its too much or too little#im sorry its never exactly what is needed im sorry i cant be who even i want to be#i try i try so hard. but its not ever right i just cant. get it quite right#i dont know how to fix it anymore#i dont know how to fix me. i can see everything thats wrong but i dont know how to make it better. please help me make it better.#fuck#im exhausted#i dont know. i dont know i dont know i dont know#pretend you dont see this or maybe do . i dont know this is embarrassing. but this is my blog anyway so if you dont want to see-#-the most depressing shit ever like my Thoughts then maybe you should leave bc ill always be this pathetic its kind of my thing#ha#fudjdbdjdjdkehd#ok. bye
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