#Big Dumper from his big dumpster

[never-was-has-been]

Since "Big Dumper" is trending...

[beatrixstonehill2]

"Are you sure you'll be OK, darling?" Vallery's dad asked.

"Of course, I will! Like I said I'm happy to pay the bills, don't worry about it."

"But you sure you aren't getting overworked? That belly's getting big, sweetheart."

"Daddy, if you're so worried why not come in and watch! The director won't mind."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course!"

"Thank you for doing this, dear.... I know it's not exactly what you had in mind a couple years ago."

"As much as I wanted to be a vet, this is way more fun! And like I keep telling you guys, you're getting older, I understand that you want me paying the bills so you can retire! Now come on...."

"I know, I'm just nervous seeing this, the way you come home sometimes, it looks brutal...."

"Stop whining!" Vallery dragged her dad into the house, where ten burly, muscular men waited, along with a male director and his crew. Vallery kissed the director on both cheeks, introducing her dad. The director shook his hand, telling him what a natural talent Vallery was, that it's so rare to find girls down to do almost anything and she was eager to do anything no matter how extreme. He said he was really proud of Vallery, watching from behind the crew.

The director called, "Action!" and the scene commenced with four of the men dragging Vallery inside as she fought, telling them to let go, that she was pregnant. The men said nothing, only grunting or chuckling or panting as they proceeded to pull off her dress and take turns fucking her as Vallery convincingly played the unwilling victim, crying and begging for them to stop, to not hurt her or 'all the kids in her belly'. They only got more aggressive, passing her around, fucking her pussy and ass. Soon the other six men joined and Vallery struggled more, only for one guy to smack her face and tell her to be a good girl.

Soon they eased her in, continuing to pound away, fucking her body as they held her up, suspended off the floor. They smacked her belly and Vallery writhed. They spanked her and smacked her breasts repeatedly. Soon they were throat fucking her until she puked all over herself, smiling as they pulled out, saying it felt kind of nice being treated this way...... By the hour mark, Vallery's character was 100% into everything, giggling, moaning, and encouraging them with her new black eye. Frantically telling the men to keep going, to destroy her pregnant body, to beat her up, to hit her all they wanted until she was barely recognizable. And they did. The men tortured and beat up Vallery, continuing to throat fuck her, punch her belly and face, piss on her, all as Vallery moaned like a good whore, giggling playfully as her body was beaten to a pulp and fucked raw. The video ended with the crew driving out to a random fast food place, and the men tossing her brutalized body on a mountain of trash in one of the dumpers, zooming on Vallery's face as she drooled, face swollen and bloodied, barely recognizable, as her character hoped. She softly moaned, mindlessly fondling her bruised, swollen sex, saying, "I hope someone else finds me and has even more fun with me." She looked right into the camera. "I wish it was you."

"Cut!" the director said, and Vallery climbed out of the dumpster as the director joked, "Covered in trash, beaten to a pulp, bruised, and covered in piss and cum, that's a good look for you, Vallery."

"I know!" she giggled. "I bet I've never looked prettier, wouldn't you say, daddy?" she asked her dad, who was silently watching.

"Of course.... pumpkin. You've never looked more beautiful."

"Mmmm, I'm glad you agree, daddy!"

The director used his phone in selfie mode to show Vallery what she looked like. "Here, feast your eyes."

Vallery beamed like a woman getting shown a wedding ring. She looked her bruised and beaten body all over, her puffy swollen face, one eye totally blocked by it, a few teeth missing. "Holy fuck, I look so hot!" She gave her belly a good smack. "God I look incredible! Gotta post to Instagram asap!" she practically squealed.

The director placed his hand on the shoulder of Vallery's dad. "Don't worry, we'll cover her medical expenses as usual if she needs anything. A few new teeth as usual. You raised a hell of a girl, there. I bet you're proud, I know I would be."

"Yeah...." her dad said, suddenly smiling. "I've never been more proud of her. Can't wait to see her work when she's full term. Maybe I'll buy her a set of fake tits for you guys to stress test?"

"It'd be my pleasure. That girl's got a long career ahead of her...."

[keplercryptids]

22, 23, 29 and 30 for both Mahety and Z'ress!

(i’ll answer the ones i haven’t yet!)

23. what's the pettiest thing z’ress has ever done?

i don’t know if it’s THE pettiest thing (our boi can be very petty). but back in the day, he and tallis used to dumpster-dive at a certain bakery in the city because they’d throw out perfectly good bread at the end of the day. so z’ress and tallis would "steal” it and pass it out in the riverward. the owner got shitty about it and put a lock on the dumpers, so he and tallis intercepted a big delivery the bakery was gonna make, stealing all the goods to pass out to people, AND they picked the lock on the dumpster that night to keep doing what they had been doing. (they also snuck onto a pleasure barge that same evening to eat bread on the roof but that’s less petty and more just, you know, a tuesday.)

30. how has your character's first impressions of their party members changed since they met them? have they stayed the same?

z’ress’s first impression of ingot, saube and whitlock was “these might be the cultists who killed my brother, i should probably just kill them immediately” lmao so yeah, his opinion has changed uhhh completely. cuz now he’s in love and also willing to literally get killed by pirates to help smuggle y’all into other countries. people grow, you know?

his first impression of rae was “sweet i hope we can swordfight later” and that’s still pretty accurate lmao. and his first impression of eun ha was, “uhhhhh this stranger is sitting in MY boyfriend’s kitchen and she knows DROW and that’s OUR thing, how the fuck does she know drow??? she’s probably from porthcawl????” and now he’s like, “oh, eun ha is the least likely person i’ve ever met to be a spy and also she’s cool” fdajsklfjsadl

mahety’s different in that her first impression of ingot, saube and whitlock was, “awesome, these are the actual heroes who saved my best friend, i love them.” and now she just loves y’all more lol.

her first impression of rae was like, “oh, they’re very spirited and i like that but holy crap they need help.” and now her opinion is more, “rae is ride or die but let’s try to make it less die. they still need help but probably less of it. fancy dress time.” her impression of eun ha was weird because eun ha seemed so uncomfortable around her, but then like the next day eun ha rescued her from a headless horseman fdjskalfjs so she warmed up pretty quickly.

[tisfan]

Hey, are you still doing those prompts? If yes, would you write some IronFalcon - or even some WinterIronFalcon? (which huii ~ *fans myself*) With either 21. "Are you being sarcastic?" "Me? Sarcastic? Never." Or 82. "What a load of bullshit." Please and thank you! :D (If you don't do them anymore; whoops my bad :P)

Title: Welcome to the Club Collaborator(s) Tisfan Link https://archiveofourown.org/works/24235783 Square Filled Y4: Collateral Damage StarkBucks Bingo: B1: walking disaster Ship/Main Pairing Bucky/Sam Bucky/Sam/Tony Rating general Major Tags/Triggers/Warnings some homophobic language, homophobic parents, Howard Stark’s A+ parenting, pre-slash, possible threesome much much later Summary Bucky’s getting some use out of his terrible Christmas Present. Unfortunately, Tony gets in the way. Word Count 1580

For @buckybarnesbingo @starkbucksbingo and @justsomeoneunordinary

Tony took the empty cardboard boxes, neatly broken down as requested by the big sign in front of the dumpers, down the stairs. Moving in the day after Christmas had been rough, and he was glad he didn’t have a lot of stuff to take with him. (Howard had practically growled the whole time he was packing, making sure he didn’t take anything valuable with him to sell on the other side.) 

The smallest rental van he could afford and a few trips, and he was now the proud renter of a shitty apartment with almost no furniture, some crappy dishes, his clothes, and Dum-E taking up space.

On the plus side, he’d discovered that his mom had slipped a couple thousand dollars into one of the moving boxes before he left, so he had a little less precarious problems than he had before he’d unpacked it.

Tony about jumped out of his skin when the dumpster next to him exploded. Debris rained down on him, sharp and stinging.

He hit the ground, scraping the denim out at the knee, and erasing some of the skin underneath. “Son of a bitch,” he yelled, covering his head.

The moment of sheer panic subsided and he realized what he’d thought was a bomb or gunfire was, in fact, the shattered remains of a plate.

He stared around, until finally he looked up to discover two men standing on a balcony overlooking the trashcan. One of them had his hand over his mouth and looked aghast. The other was laughing like a loon, pointing at the first one.

“Shit, man, you okay?”

Tony climbed to his feet, hissing as his knee stung. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Sam’s chuckin’ china,” the other man said, still giggling. “Sorry, you’re just collateral damage.”

Tony looked down at his ruined jeans. “Yeah, great,” he said. “Fantastic. Terrific.” He limped a few steps back toward his apartment, the cut dripping blood down his calf and into his sock. Shit. He didn’t even think he owned a first aid kit.

“Seriously, man, you okay?” Sam was practically leaning off the balcony, and while it wasn’t that high up, falling three stories onto a cement sidewalk wasn’t going to be good for anyone.

“Scraped my knee,” Tony reported. 

“You missed, you asshole, you missed,” the other guy said.

“Hang on a minute,” Sam yelled, then smacked the other guy who was still laughing. “Shut up, you walking disaster.”

Both of them vanished into their apartment. Tony waited for a moment, then decided he didn’t really need someone taking pictures and for it to end up in one of those cheap supermarket magazines. It wouldn’t take long for Howard to figure out that Tony hadn’t even made it one day before something stupid happened.

He got all the way to the stairs before his leg decided enough of this shit. Fuck. Well, maybe he could just rest a bit, and--

“Wait, no, don’t sit down, we’re comin’,” the laughing guy said. 

Don’t sit down, what was he, crazy. “Don’t sit down,” Tony grumbled, “what are you, crazy?”

“Don’t you mind him,” Sam said. “Look, if it’s okay, we goan carry you upstairs and see to that knee of yours. You can trust me, I’m an EMT.”

“Don’t look at me,” the other guy said, “I just drive the ambulance.” The other guy was hard not to look at, honestly. Grey-blue eyes and a jaw you could rest a shot glass on. Man, Tony would like to do shots off that jaw, honestly. He decided that not getting punched in the face was the better part of valor, however, and didn’t say so. 

“You guys--”

“Work for the local hospital, yeah. I’m Sam Wilson, this is my partner, Bucky Barnes.” Sam offered a hand to shake.

“And you’re going to carry me upstairs,” Tony continued. “Are you sure you didn’t hit me in the head?”

“Yep,” Bucky said. He and Sam did something, and suddenly their hands were aligned in such a way, with one of them gripping the other’s forearms, that made a little basket of their arms. Something to sit on. Huh. Tony was impressed. Sure, why not.

“If you all drop me down the stairs, I will sue,” Tony said.

“I ain’t drop nobody yet,” Bucky said. “That’s Steve.” And at Tony’s blank look, he added, “another guy on our crew. But me and Sam are the same height, so we can do this.”

“Huh. Okay.”

Gingerly, Tony sat down on the little seat-frame they made.

“One, two--” Sam said, and suddenly Tony was being carried like he was the damn Prom King or something, and they went up the stairs with alacrity. Two flights and Tony might have been breathing hard, but these guys weren’t even breaking a sweat. 

“Uh, don’t you even want to know what floor I’m on?”

“Nope, you’re coming to our place,” Sam said. “My kit’s there.”

“Am I being kidnapped for my kidney, this sounds like it might be--”

“Oh shut up,” Sam said, “an’ open the door. It’s unlocked.”

“All right, here, on the sofa, and--”

“Drop your britches,” Sam said.

“This is sounding more and more like a kidnapping at every turn,” Tony said, but he did what Sam said, because there was, in fact, an EMT kit right there on the coffee table. And also, treating a scraped knee was going to take either getting the pants off, or cutting them open. And Tony didn’t have that many pairs of pants, really. He could get one of those iron on patches, and whine at Pepper, maybe, until she fixed them. Although she would probably just look up some videos on YouTube for him and tell him to stop assuming she knew how to cook or sew just because she was a woman. Maybe he wouldn’t ask her.

See, Pepper, I can be taught.

Sitting in his boxers on someone else’s sofa that he didn’t even know was super weird.

“This is super weird, guys,” Tony said.

“No, no, the guy we had to triage about fifty feet down a drainpipe, that was weird.”

“I dunno, I liked the lady who got stuck to the inflow pipe of her swimming pool. That was fun.”

The two of them traded stories back and forth, Tony listening with rapt attention, as Sam cleaned out Tony’s knee.

“Here, you got some gravel in it,” Sam said. He pulled out a pair of extra long tweezers and a kidney shaped metal dish, plucking the rocks and debris from Tony’s wound with an expert hand. The gravel made little plink noises as it hit the dish.

“Little bit of bacitracin and some topical numbing agent--”

“Like the stuff in solarcaine,” Bucky added helpfully.

“--and a bit of spray on skin, to seal it up. Wearing a bandaid on your knee is all but pointless,” Sam said.

“Huh.” Tony looked down, then put his pants back on. It still hurt, but it wasn’t bleeding. So, you know, that was good. “So, uh, why were you throwing dishes off the balcony?”

“So, Bucky and me, we’re partners, right?” Sam said. “And--”

“My father doesn’t approve, which you know, whatever, screw him anyway,” Bucky said. “Although I can’t figure out if the problem is, I am gay, or that Sam is black.”

“Usually with that type, it’s both,” Tony said. 

“But he’s been trying to-- I don’t know, get fuckin’ brownie points with me by pretending everything’s still cool,” Bucky said. “It’s stupid, but I reckon he don’t want to end up being old and my bein’ the person who gets to pick his nursin’ home or something. Or he doesn’t want people to ask the wrong sorts of questions.”

“Bucky’s a hero,” Sam said. “It was in the papers and everything. So people do ask about his son.”

“So, he sent me this fuckin’ Christmas present, right?”

“Dishes?”

“Yeah, like, not even ones you can eat off, but those bullshit things you put on the wall,” Bucky said. 

“Bradford Exchange,” Tony asked, because Rhodey had gotten big into those for a while, buying plates with Star Trek ships on them, and the like. He had a whole collection of them.

“An’ like, not even nice ones of those. Crappy ones. With bible verses on them. That you get from like, the Dollar Store.”

“Which would still be okay, spirit of Christmas, maybe,” Sam said. “Except he regifted them. Someone at his office gave them to him, and he left the receipt in the box. Probably not on purpose--”

“With George, it’s not like you can tell whether he’s bein’ a jackass or not,” Bucky complained. “What a load of bullshit.”

Tony recognized that tone of voice, too. That was the tone of a man who still cared, and was mad at himself that he did. Wanting Dad’s approval and hating himself that he wanted it. And still not getting it.

“So, this happy asshole here,” Sam said, “was trying to see if he could hit the dumpster from the balcony. Which is how you ended up involved.”

“Hey, I got two of them in, which ain’t half bad. You’re the one who missed by a mile.”

“My dad kicked me out three days ago, because he caught me in my room with a boy,” Tony said. “So-- can I join your club?”

Sam and Bucky looked at each other, then grinned. “We’ve even got jackets.”

[cerebrobullet]

@krablord​ replied to your post “@krablord replied to your post “ @krablord​ replied to your...”

i mean you SHOULD build buildings for them, but also just have a long straight path, on one side lined with insect/ect displays, the other side lined with chief beefs. no decorations anywhere

id also probably be a lazy but and just download building designs off the steam workshop and have a zoo thats like a mish mash of themes because of it

i loved watching sips have this big glass roofed building for his creatures that got housed in the lil glass cube displays, have this space for a store and bathrooms.. then spend like 30 minutes trying to place the path so it covered everything and just it missing tiny bits and him losing his shit.

I would never be able to get stuff to that detail level because i would totally nitpik over it the same way, I either need to have no care in how i do it or all. on the sips front he also complains that they dont have props for like dumpers/similar stuff in planet zoo like they did in coaster so he can have behind the scenes dumpters and stuff around the back of staff buildings and it seems. so absurd to me to be upset over that stuff but if you want EVERY detail..

sorry to kind of rant in the replies on ur posts specially about yogs since im aware ur not really into that anymore. its just sips is my only real connection to that game and damn if it isnt interesting as heck to me to watch how people will put in such lil details to make it all so perfect 

LMAO i mean that’s true, it it an option to do that. but i would just like....  bury it behind walls or something because i’d be so annoyed it didn’t look perfect and beautiful lol. I have downloaded a number of buildings but then i get annoyed they don’t fit the theme i have and then i never use them except to steal some design ideas from them. mostly I try to remember real buildings i’ve seen at like hershey park and try and mimic that design aesthetic.

the path system is absolute dog shit though, i can’t imagine what they were thinking when they made it. i despise it.

ngl i was thrilled to find out they had gutters you could put on buildings because i’m in love with stupid extra details like that. i feel sips’s pain on not having dumpsters and stuff

and no worries!! maybe i’ll watch a bit to get some design ideas lol

[hardcoremollywobbles]

Momma Molly’s Smut-bunny Saviour #1

Here is where I will tell the kiddies to look away, and lock us in this room, so my own children never hear this conversation.  I think Percy would faint.  This lesson, if you couldn’t tell by the title, is not for kids. I have been noticing a set of rising trends in role-play and fan fiction.  Trends that relate to the writing of smut.  Certain words have come creeping into common use, that really do work against the writer, in achieving their desired response from the reader.  I have decided, as an experienced mother of seven, a woman who knows her way around ‘the deed,’ to save you from yourselves.  Here are some tips, to help you on your way. (Examples are drawn from things I have actually seen, so don’t judge me too harshly for them.  Oh, and expect an obnoxious number of et ceteras.) 1) Pay attention to such things as where the chosen word is placed.   There are different rules for where a word might sit in dialog and where one might fall in the narrative (the story being told outside of speech).  If your chosen word is in the narrative, there are far stricter rules on what sounds good. Example: there’s a difference between one bloke telling his mate, “she’s got tits out to here,” and the narrative saying, ‘her tits were very big and bouncy.’   Coarse words, like ass, or any abbreviated word (nips, clit, etc.) have no place in the narrative.  Their only place is in the dialog, if anywhere. 2) Avoid being too clinical.  No one cares if you went to medical school, when you’re writing sex scenes. And no one wants to be reminded of a text book or a corpse, when they’re getting in the mood.  Well, some people do, but necrophiliacs aren’t the majority of your audience.  Avoid directly literal names that you would lift from a text book.  These words sound rough, crass, indelicate, and also very medical (A.K.A. boring). Examples: Vulva, vagina, penis, blood engorged anything (just avoid blood, altogether, unless it’s external- blood drinking is fine), phallus, uterus, anus, colon, cervix, semen, sperm, fluid, arousal, lubrication, clitoris, labia/labial, fold, wrinkle, testicles/testes, appendage, prostate (as in prostate-stabber), muscle/love muscle/life muscle, perineum, organ, limb, etc.  Even member can sound clinical, sometimes. 3) Avoid most short U sounds.  That dreaded uh hangs there, like a mouth about to vomit.  Some of these tend to sound or feel aggressive, as well.  Unwelcoming and sandy.  It turns off a good 60+ percent of your readers, even if they’re too polite to say so.  I’ve developed this theory about the uh sound, and it seems to hold true.   Examples in the flesh: front bum, love tunnel/fun tunnel/cream tunnel, pleasure nub, nub/nubbin (this makes me think of trying to make a vestigial tail or extra nipple erotic), butt, nut(s), fur, fur burger, cunt, smut (funny word, not sexy word), chubby, fuck stem, spunk/spunk trumpet and love trumpet, purple helmet yogurt chucker, vulva (and any of the above that fit the bill), pussy, mushroom/Mr. Mushroom, muff, muffin, humps/lumps (I don’t care if they’re your lovely lady lumps, nothing will make your cases of scoliosis and the mumps sexy, Honey), bulge/bulging, stump, slug (whether in Shell-shedding slug of affection, or When he went down on me, it felt like a slug in a slip-n-slide, there’s no sexiness here), rump, bud (only if you’re desperate for a second clitoris word), button/fuck button (”), junk, jugs, bumper, dumper, cum dumpster, buns, truncheon, rug/rug-muncher, chunky, turgid, etc. Examples in the deed: cum/cummies, nut, bust a nut, hump, pump (less bad than hump), fuck (situationally dependent, not great for narrative), punch, spunk, munch, lunch, bump/bump uglies, nurse and suckle (you’re not a baby), dutch love and titty fuck, chug, tug, rub and tug, slurp, guzzle, gulp, sputter, splutter, fudge packing (don’t draw attention to the feces, unless that’s what your fic is all about, Friend), etc. And never say your dick up-chucked its load.  Please. 4) Not all alliterations are attractive.  I know, it sounds like it can’t be true!  Listen, though.  There is many an alliteration that just falls flat.  Or even if they don’t, they tend to be more funny than sexy. Examples: Pocket rocket (that sounds both small and fast), panty poking, hanky panky, womb groom, tonsil tickler, thrill drill, bologna pony/baloney pony, throb knob, flail nail, gasm chasm, etc. 5) Avoid certain short, flat A sounds. They often sound harsh and unsexy. Examples: Twat (also the American pronunciation of twot is unpleasant), snatch, ass, grab, fat, vag, mack, fanny (either way you mean it), jack, rack, slap (as in slap a tit/slap the sausage), clam/bearded clam (you can refer to the clitoris as the pearl, but don’t call the vagina a clam), yank, wank, crank, gap, gland, spooge cannon, tallywhacker, sack, mams, gag/gagging, stab, etc. 6) Avoid these uncomfortable words: Moist, damp, dank, musky (if it’s his scent, fine, I guess. If it’s a lady’s particular intimate region, die in some fiendfyre), musty, fishy, hairy anything (hairy sounds wild, unkempt, vulgar- there are sexier ways of wording it), weeping, seeping, leaking, dribbling, drip stink, stank, odor (scent or aroma is much better. Trust me.  Even perfume), girth/girthed/girthy, slime/slimy, soggy, spongy, slobbering, liquefied, oozing, fleshy, meaty, turgescent, etc.   7) Genitalia are not interchangeable with animals, unless you’re a bestiac. Words like pussy, beaver, squirrel, and kitty are juvenile. And that’s before you get to camel toe and moose knuckle, dog/hound-dog/crotch dog, dolphin, porpoise, crotch-daschund, snake (and any kind of snake), weasel, worm, flobberworm, the giraffe neck, lizard, trunk, etc. 8) These words may not have been placed in the above categories, but they are just not sexy.  Essentially, if you’d hear it out of a 14 year old boy’s favourite joke, don’t use it.  Those are better for jest than lust.  Here are some examples. -Male anatomy- Non-descript: Dong, ding dong, dingaling, thingy, thing (the thing that rose, the thing that grows, the thing that looks like an exclamation point, and more. Outta call that one an interrobang! But seriously, they are all terrible), pecker, the south pole, wiener, schlong, hard-on, prick (sounds so tiny and portable!), anything with masculine in it (It’s a penis. It doesn’t need to be a camo painted penis for us to get that it belongs to a bloke), wood, peen, manliness/man-ness, package (stimulus, or otherwise), Johnson/John-Thomas (not unless you buy it a monocle), etc. Visuals: man root, stem (so slender!), sausage, lightning rod, silly string shooter, tree trunk, baby’s arm, man meat, baby-maker, meat train, meat tampon, carrot (man or otherwise), boner (that’s a term for mistake for a reason), beef slinky, Mr. Floppy (as in, Mr. Floppy stood at attention), stiffy, lollipop (skinny, with a wonky, fat head?), batter blaster, You-know-what (I don’t need to hear about Voltemort’s erection), fishing pole, pickle/puking pickle, porker, pork or beef anything, leaking crown, knob, noodle/man-noodle, throat spackler, log/leaking log, monster, one-eyed anything, throbbing mass, man-cannon, etc. Basically, it will rarely, if ever, sound good to have man in front of anything.   Twig and berries, meat and two veg... Meat pipe, meat whistle or meat flute. Basically, if it starts with meat, or any kind of meat, just don’t use it.  Really. Balls, coin purse, funbags, punching bags, eggs, danglers, nuggets, spuds/love spuds, kiwis, etc. Many people feel like stalk, dick and cock sound terrible or gross, according to research, so branch out.  Try some new words. Some people feel that weaponry euphemisms are too aggressive, or that they advocate unwanted sexual violence.  Maybe try writing without words like sword and sheath, cannon, missile (and meat missile or heat seeking moisture missile), spear, blade, gun/love gun/rifle/DNA rifle/egg sniper/beef bazooka, ram rod, projectile anything, weapon/pleasure weapon, hammer of anything/warhammer, drill/fucktool, pike, spike and spire (so pointy!), helmeted warrior, mauve avenger, axe and axe wound, reamer, cherry assassin, battering ram, etc. We’re generally not trying to draw blood, here.

-Female anatomy-  Jumbos, titties/tits, boobs/boobies, knockers, funbags, peaches, hooters, tatas, pillows, hood, headlights, melons, sweater puppies, milk sacks, chest balls, etc. Triangular area (way to take the sexuality right out of it), baby-maker, fun factory, snack shack, carpet, cavity (holy, unholy and otherwise), honey-pot, lady town, minge (ginger minge?), gay man’s nemisis (because vaginas are all at war with men that don’t want them? Ridiculous), location, love wallet, hairy checkbook/wallet, mound, flesh mitten, driveway/garage/oven, box, taco, pleasure casino (adding pleasure to something doesn’t make it sexy, ffs), lady garden, letter O, love pocket/cock pocket, hole, sideways smile, downstairs mouth/down south mouth, valve, etc. And, again, I really must mention the ultra violent imagery that calls bleeding to mind, such as  gash, slash, axe wound, love wound, slice, slit/slit of ecstasy, pin cushion, arena/combat arena, missile silo, etc.

Gender-neutral anatomy: poopshoot/poop cavern, rusty bullet hole, Hershey Highway, strata chocolata, chocolate starfish, chocolate hotdog hallway, brown eye, fudge factory, fart factory, etc. Don’t draw attention to the feces, if you want to keep the reader comfortable or into the writing. Back door, rear, hiney, hind quarters, fleshy globes, balloon knot, button, boy pussy/boi pussi, wrinkled or puckered kiss, anal fortress, booty, etc. Narrow alleyway, cock cave, pool of sex/pool of ecstasy, taint, etc. Business, region, vicinity, down there, etc.  Pubes/bed of pubes.  Also, sex/the sex/his sex/her sex.  This one is so vague and so overused.  It’s probably the worst skill-based thing about the writing of Anne Rice. “He put his sex in her sex, and it was sex. Preternatural sex.”  Yeah, I said it. 

Fluids and related terms: toothpaste (even if it’s ‘the toothpaste of love’), juice, spooge (frothy or otherwise), pearl necklace and money shot, jizz, pre-cum, mayonnaise, baby batter/baby gravy (no one should want to think about babies when someone is in the act of release. Seriously), man-milk (remember about just jamming man in there?), protein shake, tadpole yogurt, etc.  And don’t use vanilla for semen, just because of the colour.  I assure you, it doesn’t taste like it.

Other words or terms: she took it like a man (devalues a gender strong enough to deal with periods AND pushing out babies. I’d like to see you try that), popping, grope, pork/porking (funny, not sexy), bone, eating out, handjob/blowjob, gobble, getting your rocks off, getting off, etc. And don’t ever use the words ‘his dick erupted like a zit, spraying its white hot load.’  Ever.  Not least of all because load isn’t a sexy word, and the rest of it is stomach turning.  It was the worst thing I read in a fic for a year. 9) This is how we do it.  Here are some good starter tips, to avoid these clichéd traps and unpleasant expressions: - Stretch your vocabulary.  Explore new words and phrases. Create something original. - Try to think of the story you’re telling, and the characters in it.  Would they think in a direction that aligns with your narrative?   - Try to think of how the words you chose will inform your reader(s) about your feelings or your character’s feelings.  Are your words devaluing the other character(s)?  Are your words treating said character(s) as one would an object?  Is that your intent, as the story teller? - Remember foreplay. - Try to consider what responses feel real or true. - Think about the actual physics involved.  What things would cause stresses on the body, and where?  How would this impact the movements that your character(s) enact?  Sex isn’t a clean and harmless activity, if it’s rough, for example. So, here goes busting some myths, for the purposes of delivering helpful information.          If you’re holding someone up against a wall, there’s going to be limited ranges of certain movements.  You will probably bang your knees.  If you’re holding someone up, you probably won’t be able to get a hand between the two of you, to fiddle with anyone’s bits, or up, to pull anyone’s hair.  You would need an extra hand for that.  Also, it’s important to note that your character will probably only have two hands.          If you’re penetrating, that singular entry will probably not be a seamless thrust to your hilt.  You’ve got to push or slide that thing in.  Thrusting tends to come later, Sport.              And speaking of ‘come later,’ simultaneous orgasms are rare, and usually involve some tantric discipline.  You’re not going to nail that, each time.  And I’d be surprised if it happened on anyone’s first time.  Gents who slip it in that first time will probably shoot off too soon, and that’s normal and okay.            Homosexual males don’t tend to use melted butter for intercourse, and no, blood does NOT make a good lubricant.  Also, gay fics have way too much anal penetration.  Yes, you heard me.  In most cases, a homosexual couple will tend towards more oral sex and foreplay, because if they were all only doing anal it would a) get boring fast, and b) cause a lot of unnecessary soreness.  You need to balance those things, in a meaningful relationship fic.  I get that not every character interaction involves care, but where it does, learn a little balance.           Speaking of balance, when writing BDSM fics, remember the importance of aftercare. Read about it. Learn about it.  It’s a big part of a BDSM relationship. I know that this is a bit rushed and disorganized, but I really hope that you find it helpful.