#Big appreciate y'alls energy and love this season thank you thank you :)

[sysig]

Requestober is closed for the season! Thanks to everyone who participated ♥

[ericspinkhair]

dirty thoughts from a distance

pairing: dom!changmin x virgin!reader, best friends to lovers, college au!

synopsis: you masturbate while thinking of your best friend and he catches you moan out his name

word count: 3.8k

warnings: maybe slight angst, (getting caught) masturbating, mutual masturbation, sex in general ig

a/n: y'all are crazyy! it has barely been 19 days and I have already hit 100 followers🤧 thank you guys so much for your support and sending in requests!!! everytime I see leave me nice messages I feel so encouraged to keep on writing even though there is still a lot of room to improve and I am not always completely satisfied with what I create. I wish all of you a great day and hope that you stay happy and healthy!!

this chapter is especially dedicated to @bangcrispychannie​ and anon who requested this kind of scenario ❤️

masterlist + requests

for three years you wondered why you hadn't lost your virginity yet. it's not like you didn't have enough opportunities since you had been in two relationships so far, both lasted about five to seven months.

the feelings in your first relationship were been mostly one-sided however.

when a guy in your biology class named Minho confessed his crush for you, you thought that the only logical next step was to become a couple. you were quite flattered that he had taken such an interest in you and believed and hoped you would eventually develop feelings for him as well. the problem was you didn't. after not being able to be emotionally let alone physically intimate with him for a few months into your relationship, he finally confronted you and you confessed that you just couldn't bring yourself to see him that way. your relationship came to an end just before becoming a senior in high school.

in your last year, you got close with Seonghwa. you were seat neighbors in your english class and you'd chat all the time. he was perfectly sweet, smart and funny and you instantly got along just fine. you developed an interest in him and he seemed to feel the same way. he asked you out with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and some chocolate and you agreed to being his girlfriend without much thought. you caught yourself falling in love with this boy and didn't shy away from physical affection such as kissing and holding hands. you were convinced you were ready to give yourself to him during prom night but when it came to it you chickened out. a couple of hours before, you had found out that your best friend changmin had broken up with his girlfriend of six months.

for a long time you hadn't been able to decipher why you hadn't slept with Seonghwa then. as time passed, the unpleasant answer became clearer and clearer: you had brought up your hopes.

you had been best friends with changmin basically since you started elementary school. on the first day, he scared you with a stupid horror mask he had sneaked in from home and made you cry. he felt so guilty and was determined to make it up to you and to become friends. you had been inseparable ever since.

when he got his first girlfriend in junior year you were devastated. you convinced yourself that the reason for that was that you had been scared he was going to replace you as his best friend but in reality you had felt jealousy.

you were suppressing your feelings because if you confessed, things might become awkward. there was no way changmin could ever like you the same way.

all of this became more difficult as you moved in together for college. you were sharing an apartment now and every day, it became harder to avoid your growing and troublesome feelings. your heart would beat faster whenever he walked around shirtless (which was most of the time) and you decided to try to ignore him. this was especially difficult since you wanted to appreciate his physique. when had he become this handsome? changmin had been dancing all his life so he had always been fit but now that he was majoring in it and training most of the time, his body had developed and he had become super toned and his abs were more prominent.

he'd often make his way into your dreams and you'd let him do inappropriate things with you. you'd wake up wet and needy and even more confused. you were ashamed of seeing him this way. this was not how one normally thought about their best friend.

it was a wednesday morning and you were eating breakfast when changmin joined you in the kitchen. he flashed you a big smile, making his pretty dimples appear which you didn't see as you did not look at him.

'good morning, y/n!' he greeted you in a good mood. you just grunted in response, intensely staring at the cereal swimming in your bowl.

the fact that you couldn't even spare him a glance hurt changmin but he tried to not let it show. he wanted to get you to talk to him.

'do you want to watch a movie and play some board games today after class?' he proposed. you hadn't spent a lot of time together ever since you had become aware of your feelings.

'I have an essay due tomorrow,' you quickly made up as an excuse. the corners of changmin's mouth twitched but you didn't notice as you were too preoccupied with doing anything that didn't include looking at him.

'then maybe on the weekend. or next-' 'I'll be busy,' you interjected. 'I have lots to do.' you stressed the lots to emphasize there was absolutely no way you would be able to hang out with him any time soon.

'umm… okay. I'll be going to class.' he told you dejected. your heart sank but you didn't respond. he was wondering whether he had done anything to make you upset but he couldn't wrap his mind around it. this had been going on for a while and he was starting to become desperate.

when you first got the apartment you spent every free minute of the day together, happy that you finally moved out and could be with each other 24/7, but then you stopped talking to him completely out of nowhere. from one day to the other, you would avoid leaving your room when he was outside and barely talked to him anymore. at first, changmin thought you were just stressed and that you'd eventually warm up again when exam season came to an end but a few months had passed and, if anything, the situation was even worse than before.

you were watching the time and after ten minutes you decided to leave for classes as well. you had started doing this so you couldn't possibly catch up to him and risk having a conversation.

'hey, y/n, what's up!' your friend chanhee hugged you when you arrived on campus. you were both majoring in fashion design and were getting along on well since the beginning of the first semester.

you sighed exasperatedly. 'changmin's up.' you puffed your cheeks and pouted. chanhee nodded knowingly. he was the only person who was aware of your little secret and that was only because you had accidentally drunk confessed the whole story to him at your first college party.

'you know maybe you should tell him. this whole thing is clearly not making you happy and I saw changmin walk by a few minutes ago. if I had to guess I'd say he was in an even worse mood than you. someone accidentally ran into him and he pushed them hard and called them names. it's not like him to overreact like this. he's usually super collected. I think you finally managed to break his spirit,' chanhee reported to you.

this had never been what you intended. why did everything have to be so difficult? you didn't want to be the cause of your best friend's unhappiness.

'he must feel like I despise him. but I cannot confess to him, that would be the end of our friendship!' you were constantly torn apart by this dilemma.

'well, if you're not gonna act on your feelings, maybe try to move on? find something casual or serious with someone new? then you'd forget all about changmin and you'd be able to go back to acting normal around him' he suggested.

chanhee's advice didn't sound too bad. if you couldn't get with changmin then you had to de-crush yourself and find somebody different to focus your emotional energy on. but on who?

'is there anyone you could think of?' you ask chanhee. he had great taste in practically everything so you highly valued his opinion.

'hmm, you could potentially try younghoon hyung? I've seen him eyeing you for weeks now and he even told me thinks your gorgeous.' he wiggled his eyebrows teasingly.

younghoon was a pretty art student, whom chanhee knew from high school. you didn't talk to him often, mostly at parties and he wasn't exactly your type but you tried to remember shouldn't judge him by his first impression when you haven't even got to know him.

chanhee pulled out his phone and soon you felt yours vibrate in your back pocket. you looked at him questioningly.

'I sent you his number in case you're interested,' he explained proudly. he put his hand on your shoulder and you could see the concern in his eyes. 'you really need to get over changmin if don't want to confess,' he insisted firmly.

so you decided to text younghoon during class. he was very polite and you thought he was cute as he seemed excited to talk to you. you agreed to hang out sometime to get to know each other and decided to meet up friday for dinner.

after the end of your classes, you walked home to warm up yesterday's leftovers. to your dismay, changmin had also decided to come home for once. since you began acting all weird and refused to eat with him, he usually spent lunch time with his dance mates as they had practice after anyway. why had he decided to come here today? your question was answered when he ran up to you, smiling from ear to ear and you noticed he was hiding something behind his back.

'you know how there is a blackpink concert downtown on friday? guess what!' he held up two tickets. surely you would at least agree to spend time with him if it meant being able to see your favorite group, right?

he must have gone through so much trouble to get tickets for you and since blackpink were your favorite music artists you were actually contemplating on going but then you remembered you had made plans.

'I can't. I'm going out with younghoon friday night.'

'kim younghoon?' he raised an eyebrow skeptically.

'why would you to be spending time together? I didn't know he was even talking to you,' he questioned you. anger was boiling inside of you.

'maybe it's because you don't know everything about me,' you snapped at him. you were aware that you were being harsh but somehow his words hurt you. why did he doubt you? did he think you weren't able to get with someone as awesome and popular as younghoon? did he not consider you pretty enough?

the microwave beeped, indicating your food was ready, making you snap out of your thoughts.

'y/n, I swear, that's not what I meant.' he stepped directly in front of you so you were forced to look at him. you stared deep into his pleading eyes as you closed the microwave door, turned your back to him, stomped to your room and slammed the door shut, leaving changmin behind in the kitchen.

your whole body was tense as you listened closely to any sounds coming from outside and felt relieved when you heard the front door close. feeling sad and depressed always made you feel tired so you decided to take a nap to forget about all the negative feelings.

when you woke up you were horny af. you had a dream about changmin taking you on the kitchen counter and now your panties were completely soaked with your arousal.

desperate, you pulled them down and tossed them somewhere to the side. it didn't matter. you needed relief now.

you closed your eyes as you slowly started rubbing your clit, imagining it was changmin's slender fingers touching you instead. your imagination was running wild and you sped up the tempo.

eventually, you plunged your middle finger and then your index finger inside you, pretending that changmin was stretching your walls with his cock.

you moaned loudly and picked up the pace, chasing your high. oh, how much you wished he was the one making you come.

'yes?' you opened your eyes and gasped loudly as you saw changmin watching you from the doorway. you hecticly pulled up your blankets to your chest to cover your naked lower body. for how fucking long had he been standing there?

'oh fuck, changmin...' you cursed out loud.

to your surpise he laughed. 'oh, is this why you have been so distant? were you embarrassed about imagining doing dirty things with me?' your cheeks were burning red and you were unable to move a muscle.

'you know, if you had told me you were thinking of me while doing it then I could've helped you out already. that would have spared both of us a lot of frustration.' he stepped into the room and pulled the sheets away, his hungry eyes fixed on your desperately dripping pussy. you tried to hide it with your hands.

'n-no… what are you saying? aren't we best friends? ' you couldn't comprehend what was happening right now. the way he was acting was so unexpected that you didn't know how to react or what to say. he brushed his hand over your burning cheeks. his eyes were conveying disparity.

'but what if I told you I don't care? that I like you? that I see you as more than just my best friend?'

'wait, you like me?' you couldn't believe your ears. was he actually reciprocating your feelings?

he groaned in exasperation. 'y/n, why did you think I ended things with my ex out of the blue?' you shrugged your shoulders as you weren't sure. you had thought it was because she had lost interest in him, at least that's what changmin had told you back then.

'because I realized I was in love you, you dumbass. how could I be together with someone if I had feelings for someone else?'

'I actually ruined my chances of having sex with seonghwa for the first time for the same reason. it was just after I had found out about the breakup,' you confessed, relieved that you were finally beginning to make sense of everything.

he climbed onto the mattress and positioned his knees next to your closed legs, leaning his hands on the wall behind you so that he was hovering above you.

'I'm sorry that you lost that opportunity. let me make it up to you,' he whispered with his face mere inches from yours and then kissed you. losing all self-restraint, you immediately pulled his body closer so that he was straddling you. after all these months filled with sexual frustration and just frustration in general, you were desperate for his touch. your hands wandered under his dance shirt and you were finally able to touch those abs you had been secretly admiring for so long.

you broke the kiss to take off both of your shirts and changmin skillfully unclasped your bra.

while his tongue was exploring the insides of your mouth, his hands were kneading your breasts, occasionally rubbing and pinching your hardened nipples. you felt his hard dick press against your lower abdomen as he grinded himself into you to get friction.

after having dreamt about this moment for so long, you felt impatient. this was too good to be true and you were scared that if you didn't act quick, your bubble would bust.

without thinking twice about it, you pulled down the hem of his sweatpants and boxers just far enough so you could easily reach inside and whip out his dick. you stopped for a moment to admire his length. it looked even better than you had ever imagined in any of your wildest dreams.

he sat upright, leaning on the wall behind you, while you stroked his cock. he was sensitive to your touch and not shy to show you how well you were doing by responding with moans.

'fuck, y/n. you're doing amazing.' his praise made you eager to show him just how good you could make him feel. your lack of experience was barely noticeable as the adrenaline flowing through your veins was guiding you.

you tapped his thighs to signalize him to inch closer. that way your mouth had easier access to his dick. you hesitantly licked up his length and were fascinated by how he tasted. wanting to have more of it, you swirl your tongue around his pink tip. changmin eventually became impatient and forced more of his dick inside your mouth so you tried to take as much of him as you could but your gag reflex made it difficult for you. instead, you worked your hands where your mouth couldn't do its job.

not wanting you to feel neglected, changmin reached behind him to stimulate your clit. he skillfully started rubbing all the right places and you moaned around him, sending vibrations through his cock.

he couldn't take this stimulation for much longer before he had to force himself to pull out of your mouth.

'wow, you almost made me come there.' he panted heavily. 'but I want to be inside you first.' you got lost in his touch as he placed a long kiss on your lips but a sudden thought brought you back to reality.

'wait, I don't have a condom,' you informed him embarrassed. you hadn't planned to lose your virginity any time soon so you hadn't bought any. did that mean the end of this wonderful dream?

but changmin laughed light heartedly. 'no need to worry. hold up, let me get some from my room.' you relaxed again as he disappeared and came back shortly with a condom wrapper in his hand.

you were prepared for him to start right away and took a deep breath in preparation but he didn't do anything.

'I don't think it's a good idea to start yet since I haven't even prepared you. the last thing I would want to do is hurt you so just lay back.'

he positioned your legs over his shoulders so your hips were hovering in the air. you felt his warm breath against your vagina before he drove his tongue inside you, seeing for himself how wet he had made you and tasting your arousal. you clasped your hands over your mouth to stop yourself from releasing any sounds.

'don't do that. I want to hear how good I make you feel,' changmin complained.

when he slid two fingers inside you, you couldn't hold it in anymore and let out some kind of aroused squeal. you felt self-conscious but it seemed like changmin was only more eager to please you.

at the same time, his tongue was abusing your swollen clit and it was impossible for you to hold back the curses that were spilling out of your mouth. the pleasure he was making you feel was a whole different sensation from anything else you've experienced before.

'more please, changmin!' you begged. you wanted more. you needed more. you needed him.

he carefully lowered your hips back down. 'are you sure you want this?' he asked you, waiting for you to clearly consent to having sex with him.

'I want you. you, and only you,' you reassured him and brought his face closer to kiss him. changmin's typical bright smile formed and you felt the butterflies in your stomach go crazy.

he positioned himself at your entrance, swiping his dick between your folds like a credit card to coat it with your juices.

you gripped his arms tightly as he pushed in. he slowly continued until all of him was buried deep inside you before stopping. the feeling of a whole penis inside of you was very different from your or changmin's fingers. it filled you up to the brim and was rubbing all the good spots. while it initially caused you a bit of discomfort, it wasn't overwhelming and it also felt good in a weird way.

when your walls finished adjusting to his length, he began to steadily move his dick in and out.

changmin intensely studied your face. he couldn't believe that after all those years you were finally close to being his. he wanted to savor every single expression you made while he was inside you.

you wrapped your legs around his torso, trying to push him deeper. he slammed his cock back inside you.

'you are mine,' he declared and started going harder and faster.

'I am yours,' you confirmed and wrapped your arms around his neck to pull him in for a kiss.

because of the extensive foreplay and your own masturbation prior to this, it didn't take long until your walls were tightening around his dick and you felt an orgasm approaching.

driven wild by you clenching around his cock, he thrusted into you even faster. you rested your sweaty foreheads against each other as both of you almost came simultaneously.

changmin kissed the top of your head before he pulled out and threw away the used condom. you opened your arms and he let himself fall right into your embrace.

'I know this might be kind of weird to talk about right now but do you want to be my girlfriend?' Changmin asked you. he still wasn't too sure what all of this meant for your relationship and he desperately needed to know where your mind was at.

'after having liked you for all this time I'd be an idiot to say no.' 'you're an idiot anyway,' he teased. you slapped his arm.

'hey! I'm not the one who ignored you for a couple of months because my hormones are out of control.' you hid your face in the crook of his neck, too embarrassed face him.

'I'm really sorry for that. you just mean so much to me and I didn't want my feelings to get in the way of our friendship.' he stroked your hair.

'I do understand that. if I hadn't heard you moan my name today I wouldn't have acted on my feelings either. but all is good now, right?' 'right.' you smiled and placed a small kiss below his ear.

'there is still one thing you need to do,' changmin tried to remind you. you looked at him, puzzled.

'what do you mean?' 'younghoon,' he hinted. you immediately started looking for your phone. that date was definitely going to have to be cancelled. there was no need for you to find a distraction anymore since you had been granted your wish after all.

[rinisbowen]

Hey, first just wanted to say that I love your blog and your analysis of the show so much! ❤

I was wondering if you had an opinion about Ricky's feelings towards Gina: do you think he knew what she meant in the flashback scene or do you think it all went over his head?

I think alot of people want Ricky to remain oblivious ,so that it can't be said that he deliberately hurt Gina, but I think it would make a much more nuanced and interesting plot if he understood how she felt the whole time, but had no idea how to handle these feelings (especially if he correctly assumed that she never would have confessed to him if she thought she might ever see him again.)

I think alot of his behaviour towards her in season 2 could be read as him trying wayy too hard to imitate the dynamic they had in season 1 to avoid having to talk about the new developments in their relationship (e.g. with all the awkward banter in season 2 episode 3.)

Only thing is I have no way to fit the "if we were dating" comment into this narrative. If he had any inkling of how she felt then that comment was way out of line and would make me dislike Ricky, but based on the rest of the season as a whole I can't think of any explanation for the way he acted towards her other than that he was aware of how she felt.

Hope this ask makes sense, feel like it got a bit rambly! 😊

hi oh my gosh anon you are genuinely the sweetest. thank you for your kind words, and the ask itself. i feel like i'm in an odd place with my thoughts bc things are quite polarized in this fandom and i- sorta try not to be? but i'm thankful you appreciate my thoughts and such :)

(also yes you absolutely made sense, luckily my brain works in a very rambly way- so i think i do get what you mean haha. y'all should see the state of these answers before i cut them down.)

--

if you're asking just whether i have an opinion as to whether ricky took gina's confession for what it was- i'm really not sure what i think here.

i 100% understand why ricky not understanding what gina meant by "i wouldn't quit on us" is very appealing to rina shippers especially, along with people who just tend to see the good in ricky as a character. people probably ought to start giving all of these kids the benefit of the doubt a little bit more haha, but that's just me. 

--

i don’t know if it all necessarily went over his head, but i think it’s not a bad guess considering his history of being more than a bit oblivious to things in a more general sense. 

i think your idea is really quite interesting, because it doesn’t seem out of line 100% with anything that happened. him trying to protect her from the fallout of something she probably wasn’t planning to do under the circumstances. him internally deciding it was better to just pretend it never happened because he figured that was better for gina. 

and besides, he loves nini, he just got back together with her, so it’s no big deal for him, no sweat off his back. 

i think regardless of whether he understood her confession he didn’t mean to deliberately hurt her, and i don’t think that should be as much of a hot take as it maybe is. 

i think in this context you suggest, ricky’s maybe confused about how he’s supposed to behave with her, like you say about ‘awkward’, because it’s on some levels true that their “friendship” in season 1 was tinged with something beyond that, and how do you not send your friend the wrong message when you very much have a girlfriend but also your friend apparently likes you. but i do think the same behavior can be explained under the “he didn’t get it” circumstance, i’ll just save that for now to avoid this getting too long.

--

i know the “if we were dating” is what gets him the most negative energy. i get why, it’s a downright stupid way to phrase it to a girl who likes him. particularly if he’s aware she likes him. 

but does it have to make you (or anyone) dislike him? 

i really don’t think it was that serious for him that it’s worth hating him for. to gina? yes, it’s what allows her the opportunity to set a boundary with him for the first time. that’s a big deal for her character arc! this sorta comes back to a point i make at the end of this post about the rina thing in season 2 not being about ricky. it doesn’t actually matter what he means or what he feels. 

but in a broader context, it’s a mere slip of the tongue. ricky’s just trying to ask her advice on something he’s puzzling over, and he’s using an example. like- he’s not trying to imply a single thing by his words there, as is clear by his little “obviously”. it’s obvious that ricky here is just thinking out loud, he’s just like so put yourself in nini’s shoes. “if we were dating”. for all he knows she’s totally fine giving him advice on nini. she did so freely twice now, without his asking. i get that it’s the wording the fandom gets most angry about, and not the asking as much, though that too a good bit, but- the wording is just that... wording. 

it’s careless not malicious. and yes, that matters if you’re looking at it from a should we hate ricky perspective. the answer to that is firmly no. you’re supposed to be proud of gina for shutting him down, because that’s the right step in her journey, but at the end of the day he’s a dumb teenage boy who has no idea he’s hurting her with his words. (which is true regardless of whether he understood her confession. the way tim’s talked about this has been to say he’s like this oblivious teenage boy who just doesn’t get what he’s doing to you.)

we see everything about this framed from the perspective of gina liking him, but whether he knew she did (and that’s for all he knows she doesn’t anymore since he’s with nini), it doesn’t make him a bad person for asking advice in a way that unintentionally hurts her. we can’t all sit here and pretend to personally have never accidentally phrased something in a bad way and hurt someone’s feelings. 

--

i also admittedly don't think it matters a ton whether or not he understood, because the point of the whole thing was solely about gina and not about him. most of the "rin.a arc" in season 2, if not all of it, was entirely about gina. i could get into this perspective another time if anyone wanted me to elaborate, but yeah. just food for thought. what mattered was that to gina, that was a confession, and that he then continued on to act normally.

i tend to think of random things like this while i'm going along trying to answer this stuff, stream of consciousness and all that haha.

[herzlak]

After Life season 3

EPISODE 1

I don't remember anything

I even forgot about penelope wilton being there

rick spoilered: the dog does not die! thanks man, that guy knows what we wanna know

full-time cunt™

wattpad fanfiction be like:

that boy looks like a young mirko schrader

HE DID NOT JUST SMASH THAT GUY'S REAR WINDOW

After Life's music is just too fucking emotional for me

EPISODE 2

I feel like these people never work...? they just sit in that office all day and stare at their screens lol

a celebration of sex? a'ight...

wink wink :D

wank wank :0

Y'ALL SHUT UP ABOUT CORONA VIRUS

she loves his dog and his dog loves her, go get her tony!

she just cut limon. now he's dead. maybe... don't get her tony.

WHAT KINDA CAKE?!?!

no baby mirko, you're appreciated <3

tony and his dog are the cutest shit ever

EPISODE 3

omg did they get david bradley back for it?! that's so sweet, i love his acting :)

i relate to the postman's mood swings a lot

OMG what happened to tony's indian (?) protégé by the way? i loved them together

DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT- oh come oooon tony

EPISODE 4

i love his energy haha

awgh tony's gettin soft again

friends hold hands! gay men hold hands! straight man hold hands!

they're not gay oh say what

a short break and now they're taking a walk in the park?

GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF >>>

GBBO is fucking amazing I love it

I feel like whatsshecalled is an aquarius

"I wanna be a good person, but sometimes I can't be bothered." BIG MOOD

EPISODE 5

Uh yeah I got distracted lmao but Emma met some guy and someone's a loser? Idk who though?

oh the feels

yeah ain't loneliness just the most cruel thing ever

EPISODE 6

ONE MINUTE AND I'M CRYING WHAT THE FUCK

I will follow you into the dark :(

I'M EMOTIONAL OKAY?!

some angels have four legs and bark WHAT THE FUCK STOP

at this point I'm just sobbing uncontrollably-

I guess this series is just the best thing to watch when you're grieving a loved one, totally recommend

I mean I don't, but still - those life lessons you're getting taught here >>>

WHAT-

he did NOT-

rude.

ok someone slap those fuckers in the face

THAT'S SO CUTE AWWW

mmmh yeah if you ever need to have a good cry...

[catboyyukineapologist]

heyyyy,, again,,,,

yeah so. funny story. I uh, haven't really read noragami since november. this is going to be a very personal vent post so I'll put it under a read more in case that's not for you, but! tl;dr:

I am not leaving the fandom! I still love Noragami and this community with my whole heart!

I'm going through some mental shit and also Life™

I will come back sooner than later!

Before the cut I did wanna shout out the peeps on the Capyper Land discord especially, because y'all brighten my days so much even though all I do on there is lurk and feel guilty about it. I love you all with my whole heart (even if you have no idea who tf i am lmao) i am giving every single one of you a big big group hug.

okie so here goes the vent-

Hey y'all. So I'm not dead. (Obviously). But things have been very tough recently and for some reason I felt like this was the place to vent about it. (oversharing on the internet? never heard of her. I super don't use my main for personal posts or original content ever so ig that's partly why).

The seasonal depression has been hitting different after almost two years of pandemic, and I was recently assessed for adhd and anxiety and started medication, so it's been A Time up in the ol' dome. Social distancing has crippled me socially to a level I hadn't felt since middle school and i was left with like three friends who I keep convincing myself actually hate me :)

It also lined up (badly) with me having to get a job on top of university that is, in an unexpected turn of events (/srs), so so so creatively draining. I've been working (read: trying to) on some fics and original work and going at a turtle's pace on it (which is extremely frustrating and I am bad with frustration), and returning to classes feels daunting right now (mainly because we were supposed to be easing back into in-person and yesterday the school hit us with the "two weeks of online classes" again because of omicron, and well. we all know how that turned out last time. istg If I have to look at One More Screen-).

So basically I have found myself deriving joy from Nothing anymore.

(well, nothing and like two actual play d&d podcasts, shout out to those guys for doing all the mental health patching)

And well, Noragami has always been a high-energy-input, high-reward thing for me because of its complexity and themes, and I just haven't had the high initial energy levels to put into it because in reality I don't have much energy anymore. The vicious cycle goes something like no energy→no attention span→not many mental resources to put into any high-input enjoyable activities→no happy chemicals→no energy→etc.

So Noragami is kind of a lot rn, which sucks ASS because I love this story, and I adore this community, and I hate so so much not being able to participate in it the way I used to and the way I want to. Same goes for most of my other fandoms (it's only slightly less bad for the show made for literal children. wonder why). Participating in fandom with anxiety and the attention span of a goldfish and a media literacy level that is frankly pathetic for a literature major is... tricky, to say the least lmao.

So yeah. Anyway. End of rant I guess. This is just One Big Apology for dropping off the face of the earth for months in case anyone cares. And I kinda needed to get this stuff off my chest so. Yeah. Thanks if you read the whole thing. I appreciate it.

Promise I'll be back before you know it<3

[survivorreelsmagicwithin]

Episode 3- “Y'all wanted magic within and we delivered- case closed”-Autumn

Another super fun challenge! I want to shout out to the hosts for just doing a great job so far. This is making this quarantine just a little less terrible. So happy we have immunity and getting our first reward is so exciting! I’ve been trying my best to connect with members outside of my tribe in the great hall chat and get close with my tribe mates. For the most part I really trust all of them. And that’s horribly scary. I really love being on hufflepuff. But I have a feeling a swap is gonna happen. Kevin told me he thinks it’s going to be 2 tribes of 8. We will see. GL to slytherin and ravenclaw! 

HOES MAD 

https://giphy.com/gifs/lifeminute-birthday-rihanna-3fihINg62RNynS9cbY 

I'm so dead and drained rn but I look forward to reading this round and seeing how heated people are over this. And this will definitely follow me the entire game but you know what I'm glad. Don't let the 16 month hiatus fool you: when I show up I show out. Everything is mind over matter in a way and y'all caught me on a good day so I was just like fuck it I'll do this all day if I have to. So I walked into that challenge at 11:30 am and deadass my phone never left my side... for 9 1/2 hours. Also y'all know I'm at my best when I'm an underdog? So of course I went all out, please tell me you didn't expect anything less. And can I just say Gryffindor legitimately and collectively earned that because everyone participated and put points up. So yes I am that girl but I do it for the squad because I know they'll do it for me. BIG ups though to Vi and Jess- I don't care what their alliances were before today they better have each other's backs and I'll riot if they don't both survive. Literally do the right thing and send a man home. And the same goes for Ravenclaw! I wanna know what's going on over there and I'm not picky but send a man or inactive home if you can. Let it be known that I literally came into this game to raise hell for Dan and Owen lmaaaaooo. I mean I don't want them to go (yet) because that's not what good frenemies do and where's the fun in that. We make each other's arcs better and if we're cast, there will be a fight to the death sooner or later. But until then! Yes I am absolutely living for them sweating it out for a full round. Can y'all believe it? They finally lost at something God is so good. Would've loved to make Hufflepuff sweat too but hey. There's always next round

https://thumbs.gfycat.com/UnsungOblongBlesbok-max-1mb.gif

14 minutes later

Also I just wanna say that 6:00 hour was chef's kiss. In my entire org career, I have never been on a tribe that pulled off a shutout like that and that was ICONIC. Hoes mad but did your entire tribe come together and get a streak of points nonstop for upwards of an hour?? No ma'am you did not. I kept us alive all day but that hour was THE hour that took Gryffindor from 4th to 2nd and that's how you win immunity. Y'all wanted magic within and we delivered- case closed

I don't trust Nick at all. I know in the back of his mind he's thinking i'm gonna play like our previous game which I wasn't exactly loyal to him because I was loyal to some bitch ass alliance that ended up... ANYWAYS. So he seems like the type of player to keep that into consideration because he happened recently and he's sort of a newer player. So I have to be mindful of this all and as much as i'm STRESSING the fact that obviously there were external factors in that game.. that won't impact this game kind of a deal. I know this all could just be my paranoid little brain and thinking that he's out to get me when he's not.. but I haven't played any back to back games in FOREVER and when something THAT FRESH happens.. it's hard for me to not have the after thought of: Wow Nick must think i'm an loyal person who won't tell him my real thoughts. 

 But Nick gonna be a scary player down the line. He's already in my pm's bragging about how him, Landen, and I think his name is Matt? idk one of the "Weebz" (still don't know what that means) and how he will have those potential relationships moving forward.. I just... don't.... understand..... him. ANYWAYS

 The thing is... I think? I can trust Jacob fully. I think this vote SHOULD BE EASY.. but I can't help but feel really fucking bad. Like terrible. Like extremely heart broken about voting out VI. She's put her all into everything and honestly I would be so mad if i've given my all and these two dweebz didn't even show up to the comp. I know she's gonna be upset and I hate knowing that. So i'm TRYING to take emotions out of this decision and make this all strategical and within the game environment because if I was voting with my HEART i'd keep her. BUT then I have that voice in the back of my head that is saying "But if you save Vi.... she'll be loyal to you!" BUT ALSO... I know from HOSTING VI... is that Vi is only loyal to... the fun she has. If she gets bored she fucks around. She's a crackhead. But I obviously can't VOICE THIS TO ANYONE because they could flip this and reverse this on ME. 

I'm scared that if I cast any form of doubt about the vote to Jacob he will relay the message to Nick and well I become more threatening than Vi at this point because I pointed the gun at him... SO I was fucking around with the idea of... using my idol on myself, causing a 2 to 2 tie.. and well.. unless Jacob wants to go to rocks by himself... and basically get voted out.. Mr. Nick goes. But it's LITERALLY FINAL 18............ If this was final 11, sure i'd do this in a heart beat... but this is such a bad bitch move i'm scared people will see I got something on my resumé already. They'll see I went against an alliance for VI. It's just so risky.. but I told myself i'd have FUN in this game.. I just don't want to make a move purely on a past game or purely on emotion. I want to be making moves that move me forward in the game..

I LOVE JOANNA!!! THIS IS A JOANNA APPRECIATION POST!!!!!! and dan has the idol. 

Unsurprisingly, we lost the challenge. I worked my lil booty off as best as I could (I did give up but that is beside the point at this current moment) and I have been friendly, fricking nice as all hell, and then Miguel wants to vote me out. And honey... I think that sealed your fate. I am working on being a little more ruthless I guess because I really want to win this game, so if you come for me, you bet I'm coming for you. I've always made jury and I don't think that this is the season I'm getting stuck with pre-jury. Miguel is the only relationship I don't feel confident in so... bye sis. 

The immunity challenge was a hard-fought battle, but we managed to pull out a win near the end. It was the most stressful time of my life. Honestly, I felt that if we lost then I would get voted out next. Thankfully, that did not happen. However, this is a huge wake up call for me to get my ass into gear and start being more social with my tribe. Otherwise, I might find myself in the bottom and that is not a position I want to be in.

AHHHH so my tribe won immunity and reward and things are great!  Someone mentioned yesterday (Kevin?? Maybe) that this means we are the last tribe to have to see tribal council and that is a GREAT THING!  I really wonder who is going to go home- I just hope it isn't Owen.  I also really hope he still wants to work with me if we end up on a tribe together. In other news, I'm curious to see if a swap is about to happen.  With a double tribal happening tonight it seems as though it would be a big maybe! Also I'm still irritated that my glee shirt didn't count as a band tee, when everyone asks what kind of music I like the first thing I always say is 'anything by the cast of glee' xD I don't feel like I was much help in the challenge but I was there and got points for wine and sequins if that means anything. 

doing this ON TIME.. anyways chile. WOO WE DID IT! finally not coming in last hehe. god the amount of i was just frantically running around my house.. well thank god my family didn’t question it for the most part hehe. overall this challenge was super duper fun and i’m HOPING we can continue to win some because the stress of my tribe wanting to go against me.. yea it’s there. hopefully my paranoia is just that and i have nothing to worry abt ✨

Hey all you cool cats and kittens! It’s Dan, not Carole Baskin, but with the same crackhead energy. So Miss Miguel should be leaving tonight! It’s not anything personal at all. He’s a really sweet guy, but he’s just not around. I work mad hours a week and still make time for this stuff. Joanna is worried because she knows her name is going around so as long as she doesn’t try to pull something, everything is good. I think the chances of that happening are slim to none honestly. I feel like had I been able to compete in the comp I could have helped way more than others. I have a ton of random shit in my apartment that was asked for!!! I was a little shady toward Jacob in the Great Hall chat so lettuce pray that he doesn’t act like a petty fool if we swap together. I am kinda anticipating a swap after this tribal but we’ll see!!! 

we won immunity and nothing has changed on my tribe for me since my last confessional woo consistency yay c:

im sad. we have to vote out vi which is so sad. i love her shes so sweet but i have suhc a tight bond with jess and nick that like there isnt another option. but ugh someone hold my hand

Darn, we were so close to winning, yet so far. Always remember, the unintentional matsing is just as mighty as the intentional, so 3 of us making swap or merge is much more advantageous than a unit of 4. I love my tribe, I do, and I genuinely feel I may be in danger! I trust Jess and Jacob though (JJJ: Jess, Jacob, Jay), so I’m hoping for another unanimous decision. (I will probably be asleep at tribal since I have 1 hour of sleep today)

So out tribe basically gave everything they could in a 12 hour challenge of Hell. I tried especially hard thinking I would be voted out if we lost because no one really talks "game" with me. I know that side seasons are 'Survivor Lite' but typically people at least talk game. I know I wasnt the target from last vote because everyone assured me they want to work with me and Josh said to vote him out in the tribe chat. Apparently though Josh wanted to do a blindside and reached out to Autumn to let her know asking me if he had asked me. So honestly Autumn is the truest! The other two notnvoting me inlobe seeing but if Josh talked to them then... hm Anyway I cant play a perfect game anymore :( Also I have officially dug through all of Hagrids things and he has no idol for me. I thought he might have something in could take and use somewhere else since he is a keeper of keys. But naw.

Guess who lost by two points!! Fricking Nicholas and Jacob leaving us for 7 hours. Then nick only showed up for the last 3ish but he didn’t even submit anything. Wth? We’re gonna try to kick him out.

i love my tribe so much we keep having more and more fun each time :D i definitely think after max's april fools prank i'm even more inclined to want to vote him if we lose, but i'm also grateful he's not really gone because mayhaps a weeb alliance in the future is possible.... !!! i also always utilize the great hall segments to make myself known and thought about even if people also think i'm a bit annoying, idc, the main thing is they remember me and when we meet on a swap or something i am one of the first they choose to talk to! it is always an important strategy of mine, people don't realize that in big games, one of the most crucial things you can do is leave a big first impression on people on the other tribes, you have the lucky opportunity to get some spaces where you meet them in ORGs unlike in the real world - USE it to let them form an idea of you in their head and decide they like you before they even meet you, it's a weird phenomena but i've found it's one of my most consistent strategies, when i actually decide to employ it (flashback to me being so lazy in 2020 i barely even used one world.. eep) hufflepuff is cute and we WILL be continuing to make marshmallow moves, until i get to make my own independent marshmallow moves to win

Soooo we finally lost a challenge kfjahsdj time to put this alliance to the test! The answer seemed pretty clear to me though - everyone kinda just wants to do Miguel. I feel bad, because I do think these competitions have NOT played to his strengths at all and I know he can be a great competitor. And I really wanted to get to know him again this time around. For a second, Dan and I considered saving him as a loyal number... but I just can't do that to Joanna, who has rlly busted her ass lately. So tonight it's a harder choice than it seems, but ultimately, I'm going with Miguel, and I told him that. I really wish he would've put more effort into our conversations before he was in trouble lmao. Also, DAN FOUND THE IDOL HEHEHEEH so that's great :) Glad to know he trusted me enough to tell me about it! I think he's probably going to be pretty loyal this time to me? And I feel like I have to give that same courtesy back to him. Someone will probably take one of us out eventually. I rlllly do not want to stress. If for some reason they blindside me tonight or Miguel has another idol or something, it has been fun <3

[survivorforestofhorrors]

Episode 4: what's the harm in a lil flirting - Liam

Me @ this swap when I’m in such a GREAT position on this Cat tribe. Literally for one, my name was never out considering everyone asked me for what names I’ve heard. Then two, I literally have two alliances which none of them have the same people. And they weren’t groups I made, people came to me wanting me in them lmao. The first one is me, Daulton, Livingston, and Keaton. Then the second one is me, Jesse, and Maynor. I also have a pretty good relationship with Dan and me and Josh have gotten along well so far. If Zach wasn’t exiled, I definitely could have been close with him too. It’s whatever, at least I have people who have trust in me moving into this swap which is all I need. And I got some peeps on this other tribe who I worked with at the first tribal so this could be good.

So, just when the cat lovers were really starting to feel like a family, we end up getting swapped. Apparently the people that did the best in each puzzle category last round became team captains, and Dan chose me thank GOD. I trust Dan a lot, and I’m glad he sees me as an asset to his game and wants me on his tribe. I also have Livingston from OG Macneil, so that’s good because him and I had the alliance with Grace and Keaton. Hopefully they are good over their tribes, and we make it back together again. The new tribe, the Morgan Tribe, is the tribe I care the least about just based on who’s on it. I obviously want Keaton to make it through, and I like Jessie a lot, but the other 4 are a little less important to my game. The new Samhain tribe is honestly iconic too, and I want Macneil and Samhain to win immunity. Which speaking of immunity, it’s a fucking creative challenge which I do not excel in at all. I just hope the other people on this tribe are good at creative challenges or we’re screwed.

a tribe swap!!!! spicy. I really was not expecting that one, so good on you hosts for shaking things up.  So my strategy for the swap was to pick everyone I was close with originally lmao. very complex strategy, I know. I will accept player of the season now.  But seriously, I wanted to pick people that I felt would want to work with me and that would not target me specifically if there were to be someone to flip.  

I picked Liam because I feel like we connected pretty well on the original 21 person shit show. I had said to him that I wanted to work with him and Nik had told me he was someone to really have on my side.  I then picked Livingston because I'm really trying this story arc redemption moment with him from trinity. I also... genuinely like him. I feel like we vibe really well and are upfront with one another about game stuff. I hope he doesn't let the past cloud anything going forward, but for now he's definitely my #1.  I then picked Zac because I really got along with him early on as well. A great byproduct of this is that he told me he's super close with Austin, which means thats either information I can exploit, or use to my advantage. If we go to tribal, I could easily target them as a pair, OR join forces with them against someone else. We love accidental connections coming through. Then I picked Daulton because I feel like if I hadn't, he would have been mad. I know what y'all are thinking, why not pick your alliance member Keaton? Well, here's the thing, I don't want to be stuck with the same people all game and really feel like I need to branch out. I also feel like Keaton will understand this better than Livingston, hence picking Livingston over Keaton. Anyway, back to Daulton. Daulton cracks me the fuck up with his blunt delivery. I just have really enjoyed working with him and would love to work with him and livingston moving forward. And that brings us to Austin, who I didn't necessarily pick, but who I was fine with getting. We had some good convos pre swap and I am looking forward to seeing where his heads at in this game.

As far as the challenge is concerned, I think a lot of direction is gonna come from Livingston, which is fine by me. I really am not a creative soul, so I feel like I will be channeling my energy into Livingston's creative process and let him take the wheel. I think we have a good shot of being untouched into the next phase of the game but we'll see. Also, I feel like I basically found the key to all the advantages in the game tonight in my idol search, so trust and believe i'm about to fuck this game up ladies!

I had high hopes from our first new tribes and the way I play is short, simple, and sweet. Tim made a 5 person alliance of people i liked, and i thought that it was good. Liam is extremely solid, brandan is good not great, and Nik is typically okay on a short term basis. But i had my reserves on Nik, and of course Nik saw the opportunity to break me and Tim up, even though we arent this duo who will flip flop, fuck people up, we are old school people, we find our people we roll with them, we get to the end. We're loyal, but we aren't stupid. 

The minute I saw Tim was getting a lot of the votes and that it got too quiet, i knew the fix was in. Liam has been our informant and I went out of my comfort zone right into the mainchat ala Nik style. I called them out, and I had the immunity idol. The GTO play (Game theory optimum) would be to let Tim go and play the game by myself and break that perception and have an idol. But I AM LOYAL. I do not let my ride or dies sink in the game. I have never voted tim out of a game nor will i ever let him go home if i have anything to say about it.

We manuevered the vote dynamics, made sure the votes were on him, and we made Nik get to steppin. Moving forward it would have been very tough but now a swap is among us.

-

So we just swapped, and Tim was tribe captain. Exactly what we needed. Nik was 100% right, all i need is one swap and just a few rounds to mobilize my army and build a coalition. Give me time, and i will break people. Not in a bad way. I need people who will be dedicated, and will never waver, never flip. My militia is called the L&J team. Me, Tim, Liam, thats 3, 3/18 = 1/6. Now we recruit Zach, and we pull in grace. 5/18. 27% of the cast. I begin to like these odds once the numbers dwindle and we keep our people in the game.

I may seem like this menace, but I am extremely calculated and people who give me their word I will return the favor. Me and Tim are loyal people. But if you are halfway with me, or are against me we will fucking murder you in cold blood. 

Josh V is the next to go, Brandan worst case if we lose again. We aren't going anywhere anytime soon, we found our people, now we show the game what we can do.

You ever have those moments where you're hyped, but also not hyped at the same time? Well this is one of those times. I got a fucking idol!!!! but I also earned our tribe a disadvantage in the challenge in the process. So that basically means to me that you probably get a disadvantage any time you get an advantage. or are in the process of getting an advantage. So that means Tim probably got pretty close to getting something, or got something. I'm not sure if that means Zach got an advantage (exile) or if that was his disadvantage? Idk, I'm fucking nervous now, we're gonna have to pull out all the stops for the challenge. 

My worry about the challenge is that we don't really have a story line, we just have the slasher concept. I mean, realistically, I would love to have my idol for myself later in the game, but I would also rather get rid of it if we lose this comp because of my disadvantage... I'm very nervous now, and I think I fucked my game up with this whole idol search business. I hate everything lmao. Well played hosts, well played.

I feel so fucking guilty. I know there’s probably a bunch of people in here laughing at me and saying I’m an idiot, but I literally didn’t mean to get a fucking disadvantage. I’m really considering just leaving zac or Livingston my idol and getting voted out. I’m so fucking mad at myself.

-

So I’m feeling more into the game today now that I’ve slept on it. My plan is to fucking stay by any means necessary. I spoke with Livingston just now and told him about my idol. Obviously I know that could come back and bite me in the ass, but frankly I’m playing the idol tonight if I’m in danger or not so fuck y’all. But anyway, I do trust Livingston more than anyone else here. We have a good rapport and I know he’s a loyal guy. So lettuce pray that everything works out and I can idol out a big threat hehehe

-

Tribal in two hours. It’s me or zac. I’m voting zac and I’m playing my idol so square up with your idol boo

Well Well Well... I'm not having a good day! I heard it's Zac going... I REFUSE! He will not be going on my watch! Zac is an ICON who I love and adore! I was LITERALLY crying at the thought of voting him out so imma fight for him! I REALLY don't wanna lose anyone on this tribe but especially Zac!

In more positive news Daulton and I are the first Showmance of the season! I've always thought Daulton was cute so what's the harm in a lil flirting ☺️

Meep merp beep. Ive been soo not into the game that i need to focus again. I want to do well in this game but ill end up just letting myself down as always. 

Soo im haply our trailer won immunity. Im safe. 😊

Oh, poor Liam. :( He really doesn’t want Zac to be the vote tonight, but I think it’s pretty set in stone at this point unless and Idol is played. I don’t want to sound cocky though because I realize anything can happen, but I feel like Livingston, Austin, and I in addition to Dan are all on board to vote Zac. Liam feels like it’ll be a 3-3 vote which I’m not sure how that will play out unless Austin flips. I really don’t want to go to rocks this early in the game, but I told Dan I wouldn’t write his name, so if Livingston wants to flip, that’s on him, but I just don’t think I can do it. I just hope it is 4-2.

So we won immunity for once with the videos! Really don’t appreciate the hating on my editing skills/lack of appearance in the video @judges. It was editing or being filmed and I choose editing haha. Anyway, I’m feeling pretty comfortable with this group. Really hoping we don’t lose again. Splitting into 3 tribes really helps give us a chance. I like everyone on my tribe but they’re also super super quiet and we only talk during challenges which is a bit awkward...

[khyenaking]

Most of my early con connections and friendships have fade, and that's to be expected. My first con was ChibiChibi, all the way in 2012- with some friends from school, in a shitty cosplay of Mihael Keehl. @gurty1goose and Ruby, I still love y'all to actual death. You'll always mean the world to me. @spacebunnyx launched herself across a college campus at me when I was R the next year, and being adopted into that circle was how I got to my first SakuraCon that year. Going to that con, chaos and medical emergencies that ensued aside, changed my life, and no matter who still talks to one another I'll always be grateful for that, and to @simply_tavaroo for guiding a broke teenager with boundless energy and no direction into such a big and terrifying and wonderful world. Rabbit, and Steam Powered Giraffe as a whole, was a feature in my life for about 6 years, and Rabbit has been a main cosplay for me even into Emerald City this March. The amount of healing and growth I achieved with the help of their music and the friends I made through them is extraordinary. Now, I'm going into the last half of 2019/early 2020 invested in Umbrella Academy and BNHA, both of whom are getting new seasons shortly, and have amazing fanbases in which I've found so many wonderful friends. I can feel myself growing even more now, so many years later, and looking back at how I got here and what I've become is just incredible. Thank you all, whether you're an old friend following me to be supportive, someone in my past who helped me to achieve goals and keep reaching, or someone completely new who enjoys my content; your presence in my life will never be taken for granted, and I appreciate you to no end🖤 let's keep growing together, you guys. - #deathnote #deathnotecosplay #steampoweredgiraffe #spg #spgcosplay #rabbitspg #rabbitcosplay #powerpuffgirls #buttercup #ppg #buttercupcosplay #r #warmbodies #rcosplay #chibichibicon #sakuracon #eccc #pnw #pnwcosplay #pnwcosplayer #chaiyeen https://www.instagram.com/p/B0g3OU4nfLO/?igshid=ikzejhdzty2q