#Breha and Bail who decided not to try again just because of the scare of nearly losing Breha. they had to be told not to.

[phoenixyfriend]

SW Suddenly-Omegaverse AU: Surrogacy, Worldbuilding, Obi-Mom

Truly the main irony of all this is that everyone considers Obi-Wan the Better Omega but Anakin is the one who's actually 👀👀👀 about pregnancy

Obi-Wan: I have the deepest respect for those who do it, but the idea of growing another person inside of me is weird and gross, no, thank you.

Meanwhile Anakin is like. Immediate baby fever. Someone actually approaches him like "hey... there are forms you can fill out to request an exception for pregnancy, and like... regulations" because he's that obvious about it.

I assume that if they've got safety nets for accidental pregnancies, then they're probably aware that there are people who want to do it on purpose? I feel like in an omegaverse where 'biological imperative to procreate' can be so much more intense, then maybe there's old precedent that stuck around even after suppressants got most of those hormones under better control.

Bit torn. Just know I want Anakin to Make Baby.

"Anakin, what are you--" "Do you think offering to be someone's surrogate would be acceptable to the council as a way to be pregnant without getting attached." "...what." "They'd probably accept that as a way to practice not getting attached, right?" "N...no, that's not... what?"

Anakin approaching Bail and Breha and being like “Do you... still want a kid? I would provide a kid. Do you want one here*?”

* in this dimension

Great way to give up the baby as a parent because he'd still be able to see them once in a while but also like... it's not HIS kid, technically. He can be a cool uncle who happened to give birth, which is distant enough to not be 'attached,' but close enough that his Tatooine-raised 'must ensure family is safe whenever possible' background doesn't flip out. It helps that 'Core World Royalty' is like... a top-tier family to be raised in.

(It would have to be post-war because he probably shouldn’t be risking his life while very pregnant. He needs to be reminded of that sometimes.)

Bail/Breha is an alpha/alpha relationship and while a pregnancy is still possible,* it’s a whole lot more difficult, and that's on top of Breha's canon medical issues that resulted in her heart and lungs getting replaced.

* AFAB alphas can get pregnant, and AMAB omegas can inseminate, but the success rate on that angle is much lower than the 'traditional' alpha/omega roles, as is any attempt at reproduction outside rut/heat. They're low-fertility overall for the non-dominant aspect of their reproductive system, which... ha, Anakin and Obi-Wan try to get explanations for why the senary system works the way it does, but it's a very longform history lesson that comes down to 'idk this got cemented so long ago that nobody really knows why anymore.'

AKA "why do you title these roles male omega and female alpha instead of intersex omega and intersex alpha since both parties have both genitals."

ANYWAY

Anakin: I want to make babies. But I don't want to get kicked out of the order. But I don't want to give up my own babies for adoption. But I can't keep my own babies if I want to stay a Jedi. So basically I want to have someone else's babies? Anakin: ...wait shit that's just surrogacy.

Anakin, calling up Obi-Wan: Hey are the Organas still struggling to have a kid? Obi-Wan: ...not really your business. Anakin: You're friends with Bail again though, right? Obi-Wan: I am, but-- Anakin: Do you think they'd want me to be a surrogate? Obi-Wan: What.

I can't decide if it's funnier for the Order to be like "I mean... technically there's no rules against this?" or if this is a precedent set by at least three omegas every generation because that's just how a/b/o manifested for omegas in a biological and cultural sense.

Bail: Wait, your former apprentice is... volunteering... to be our surrogate. Obi-Wan, exhausted: Yes. Bail: He barely knows us. Obi-Wan: He respects you and you're the closest people he knows that want a child and would be good parents. Bail: And he's just... volunteering? Obi-Wan: Yes. Also, you did say your primary worry was that a surrogate might be targeted for assassination and you couldn't ask someone to risk that, right? Anakin is very much able to avoid assassins, and would be staying primarily in the Temple anyway. Very safe, and not particularly scared of assassins in the first place. Bail: Your words say you approve, but your tone says otherwise. Obi-Wan: Anakin considers me his father. I'm not old enough to be a grandparent. Bail: Ah.

Anakin is a surrogate and enjoys it and everything is fine and then like a year later he's accidentally pregnant with his own and Rex's kid, and nobody knows how to ask if it's actually an accident.

A suggestion from @gelpenss:

OH MAN i.... have to drive home. But I just had a thought about like. I always want to poke at Betas in A/B/O like are they “normal” or different from our standard or.... but ANYWAY assuming they have a pheromonal thing I just think it would be neat if betas had the ability to be the Bucket of Cold Water. Like if caught early enough, and with the caveat it’s not permanent, a beta could arrest a rut or heat in its tracks until a more ideal time. Like. They aren’t birth control. But they are the remind me later button.

Okay done driving I am Returned to bring up why I brought up betas and it’s this: well okay 1. It plays nice with a popular but inaccurate dog breeding urban legend that female dogs will like, delay heat cycles? so that the bitches above them in pack hierarchy have first choice of mate selection. And I think in omegaverse it would be cool if that was a Bio Fact, and also historically enforced by the third designation. 2. It gives me an excuse to have betas have the Most Sensitive sense of smell because it’s their “job” to pick up on things before they go too far to be put on pause. 3. I’m just thinkin ‘bout a beta clone [...] just hovering around Obi-Wan because they found out how much stress his heat cycle causes and they’re like “okay cool I will help make sure it does Not”

I want to like a/b/o verses but betas niggle at me. I want to give them a hat and a Function that woulda helped before modern medicine.

I'm not sure how I feel about betas being able to delay heats, but I do like the idea of them having a more sensitive sense of pheromone smell than most. Most aliens assume it's omegas with the best sense of smell, and betas with the worst, but it's more complicated than that because they all specialize: Alphas are actually less attuned to pheromone smells, but more attuned to things that were useful back when humans were still a hunter-gatherer species. Omegas tend to be heightened towards danger smells like fire or aggression, and pheromones relating to children/care. Betas, as suggested above, are very sensitive to pheromone changes relating to mood and behavior of the community around them.

I like the idea that betas were historically the ones that ended up taking care children, unmated omegas, and so on during people's heats and ruts, because they kept their heads about themselves long enough to do things like cook and clean while someone was reeking of hormones. The checks and balances work out that betas may have lower fertility, but it makes them better able to support the network around them.

It works in with humanity's general collective history of thriving the most when working as a community.

Given that I decided that this is Jangobi, the clones might all subconsciously view Obi-Wan as Mom. Not intentionally, but, you know... Obi-Wan the not-evil stepmother. He doesn't know how he got into this situation, but he sure is here, and he sure as hell doesn't know how to get out.

Obi-Wan "I don't need to get pregnant, I have three million stepchildren" Kenobi

I definitely love "clones all want to make Obi-Wan's heats less stressful" but like in a different way from Whatever The Fuck Anakin's Got Going On.

Obi-Wan using the force to dull the pain in a Shiny's broken leg while the medic works on it and the Shiny just mumbles "Thanks mom" and everyone gets very embarrassed and pretends it didn't happen.

But then it happens again. And again.

Obi-Wan asks for an explanation from Cody and gets a halting response that, since Jango is technically their father, and his scent has been all over Obi-Wan recently... and Obi-Wan puts in a lot of effort to take care of them all.......

Anakin overhears the clones calling Obi-Wan "mom" and just. The most judgmental eyebrow raise.... Mostly in the sense of "You never let me call you dad" "Thought you said you weren't anyone's parent." "Hey, hey, Obi-Wan. What the fuck."

BOBA. BOBA ABSOLUTELY CALLS OBI-WAN MOM WHENEVER POSSIBLE. IT'S DEEPLY FRUSTRATING.

Obi-Wan eventually manages to admit that he's uncomfortable with it at minimum because of the gendering the word has for him, can they at least use the neutral 'buir' instead?

Word spreads like fire, takes like two days max for everyone to switch.

(Anakin demands cuddles as compensation for not getting to call Obi-Wan any true parental term for years.)

[jasontoddiefor]

As Lightning to the Children eased Chapter 14

Chapter 14 is out! Read on AO3!

Padmé did not call Anakin out when she found him hiding in her living room, arms tugged beneath his knees, his chin resting on top of them. He didn’t look like he had gotten any sleep lately and she was not about to stop him from getting at least some rest.

Instead, he merely put a cup of tea in his hands and went about her work. Halfway through midday, she got the call she had been waiting for.

“Senator Organa,” she greeted her ally and friend. Bail Organa was a good man, friendly and charming on top, and Padmé wondered what would happen if she were to let him meet Obi-Wan sometime. The two seemed like the kind of people who’d get along like a house on fire. “How are you?”

“Quite well, thank you,” Bail replied. He glanced at Anakin once but didn’t further react to his presence. “And yourself?”

“Exhausted, if I’m honest,” Padmé said. “The war hasn’t even truly started and I already feel as if I’ve aged years, but let’s not linger on that. How is your charge?”

“Adjusting,” Bail said. “I offered to take him home to Breha, but he decided that he wanted to stay on Coruscant. I’m not sure whether it’s the proximity to the Jedi or if it’s because he has to protect me in turn for keeping him safe, but I decided it would be beneficial for his health to remain at my side.”

Padmé smiled at him, honestly and truly happy. “I’m relieved to hear that.”

Finally, some good news during this catastrophe. When the Jedi had taken them all back to Coruscant, nobody had been too sure what to do with little Boba Fett. Technically speaking, his father – no matter how undeserving Padmé thought him of the title – was a deceased criminal and there were enough people who wanted Boba to pay for his father’s crimes. Hi status as a clone also didn’t really improve his situation. Padmé would have taken Boba in himself, as would the Jedi, but neither was quite the right fit, and when Bail Organa had offered to take him in, then that was just good fortune.

“If you ever need someone to babysit, I can jump in last minute,” Padmé joked.

Bail smiled and nodded. “I’ll be sure to keep that in mind, Padmé, but I believe Boba would protest quite heavily against being babysitted.”

“He can be part of my protective detail then,” she amended. “I’m sure he will do excellent work.”

X

The Council room was dead silent.

“You’re joking, aren’t you?” Qui-Gon asked, allowing disbelief to seep into his voice.

Whereas some of his fellow Masters smiled in tired exhaustion, others only rolled their eyes.

“A new member this Council needs,” Yoda said. “Wise in the Living Force you are and raised a brilliant Padawan you did. A new member of this Council you may be if you accept.”

Qui-Gon wondered what Dooku would say about this. His Master had already departed with his own clone battalion, heading straight to the Outer Rim and into the zones that promised the most gruesome battles. Dooku was a brilliant talker and given his relationship with the Senate, he’d probably be more useful on the Council than Qui-Gon. He had already been on the Council once.

Qui-Gon knew he was stubborn and thick-headed and unlikely to change his mind unless proven wrong. Both Dooku and Obi-Wan had told and shown him so often enough. Qui-Gon wasn’t chosen for delicate and amicable peace talks. He usually went to do the negotiations where they expected things to blow up, and more often than not, they did.

He was not the best option for a War Council, especially when he struggled to wield the Force as he used to.

“Why me?” he finally asked when he didn’t know what other question there was left to voice.

“Love this Order more than anyone else, you do. Had Knight and Padawan Skywalker not found their way here, found your way to them, you would have. Listen well to the world, you do. Not afraid to speak your words, you are. Ready for this, you are.”

Not yet. Speak first. Right a wrong, my dear child, explain your scars—

“I have to talk to Anakin,” Qui-Gon said, his heart hurting at the thought of the youth, yet rejoicing at finally getting a glimpse of the Force again. “I cannot give you an answer before I spoke to him.”

The Masters nodded and Qui-Gon left.

X

Anakin was easy to find, hiding away in one of the lowest accessible levels of the temple. These days, he was either at Obi-Wan’s sickbed when Obi-Wan was asleep, at his mother’s when she wasn’t telling him to finally go talk to Obi-Wan, hiding away in Padmé’s apartments or down here. Qui-Gon had first thought that Anakin would try to go deeper, search for what lingered beneath the warm marble of their temple, but he never moved from his spot.

“Anakin.”

The Padawan winced when his name was called, then slowly turned his head only to return to staring blankly at his hands. He looked absolutely miserable, tired too. Qui-Gon sighed.

“Do you remember the mission to Naboo? When we accompanied Padmé back to it?”

Anakin gave no sign that he was listening to Qui-Gon, but he decided to keep talking anyway. “When we entered the ship, you collapsed. Something set you off, something incredibly dark and harmful, and, best I could tell, it flipped a switch for you. Revealed something it shouldn’t have.”

Anakin’s hands curled to fists as Qui-Gon sat down next to him. “Obi-Wan and I didn’t know what to do, so we- no, I decided to do what I thought was best. I blocked those memories, dressed them up in kinder images.”

Even now, so many years later, Qui-Gon remembered it so clearly. The chains wrapped around Anakin’s entire body, the sun burning him, reminding him that he was not supposed to be there.

“And then, when you tried to heal me later on, you needed the knowledge that I had hidden from you to do better.”

“To let you die, you mean,” Anakin said. His voice was hoarse as if he hadn’t spoken in days. “It would have stopped me from resurrecting you.”

“Yes,” Qui-Gon agreed. “I would have died and it would have been alright because it was my time. My actions took away something you should be able to recognize subconsciously and I want to apologize for it.”

Silence followed Qui-Gon’s statement as they let his words linger. It was true. That he realized now. Whatever he had done, it had shifted something within Anakin that wasn’t meant to be shifted sideways.

“I think you made me human,” Anakin replied, wings unfurling as bones cracked. “I don’t think I was meant to be human.”

His eyes were still closed, but Qui-Gon could still fill all of them watching him, waiting for a reaction, a confirmation.

“No, you were not,” Qui-Gon replied. “And I’m sorry I made you something you weren’t supposed to be in my fear of what you might have become in that moment.”

“I want to be human,” Anakin muttered. He stretched out his fingers, sharp claws, golden like his teeth, bleeding as if from scratching his arms raw, trying to dissect himself and sew his flesh back together in the right way, anything less hurtful. “I don’t want to be like this. Everything is so loud and I’m always too much and if I get angry, I break the world apart. It isn’t fair that I can feel so much, but I’m not allowed to embrace it.”

“Oh, Anakin.” All thoughts of logically expressing this to his Grandpadawan were forgotten. “Who told you that you can’t embrace your emotions? You just can’t let them become too much. You can’t let them consume you. You need to find your balance again.”

Qui-Gon knew it was a cruel demand to make when he had been so afraid of what would become of Anakin almost a decade ago now. There was no telling whether Anakin would still exist once he found that balance again or whether he’d return to his silent parent. After all, what parent would abandon their child if not because they knew they weren’t needed anymore?

“I’m scared,” Anakin admitted. “I was afraid my mother would be put back together again wrongly if I healed her so I lashed out and murdered all of them in cold blood and then I was scared to lose Obi-Wan and instead he lost his arm because of me and I’m scared that if I try to fix me, I won’t be me at all. I know I can do it. I’ve been looking, I can see where you used your paint on me, but I just—”

Anakin looked up, bright blue eyes staring at Qui-Gon as he cried and wrapped his arms around him, hiding his face in his robes.

“I don’t know what to do.”

Gently, Qui-Gon held onto Anakin. How strange that a being as bright and strong as him needed an anchor as fragile as Qui-Gon. He ran his fingers through Anakin’s hair, humming a melody under his breath he’d been taught years ago on a small Mid Rim planet.

Minutes passed, hours without either of them moving until Anakin’s shoulders stopped trembling.

“I can’t tell you what the right path is, Anakin. You have to decide that for yourself. The only advice I can give you is this question: do you love the Jedi?”

“What?” Anakin’s confusion was painted across his face in broad brushstrokes.

Qui-Gon smiled. “I asked if you loved the Jedi?”

“Of course! You’re my home, my family! How could I not?”

“Good.” Qui-Gon nodded. “Then you will remind yourself of the fact that you love your family and that your family loves you every day and every action you take will be in this knowledge. Do not act against this love in your heart, Anakin, and may it ease the burden on your mind.”

May it guide you well.

X

Obi-Wan’s hand trembled. He hardly had any control over his new appendage and it frustrated him to no end. He was a perfectionist at heart, had spent hours training his fine motor control to become a Master of his form. He tried to keep his breathing under control, to focus, and not let the pain overwhelm him. If not for his own sake and to resist the temptation of just throwing his lightsaber halfway across the room, then for Anakin.

His Padawan already felt so guilty for Obi-Wan’s injury, he didn’t want to make him feel worse.

He couldn’t stand the thought of looking at Anakin’s sad eyes.

“Rough night?”

Obi-Wan turned his head around to find Shmi standing at the entrance of the training hall. Her injuries had healed well during her stay with the Healers, only a few faint scars across her face and shoulders revealing what she had been through. She was dressed ready for battle, wearing the new armor the Jedi had been given. Obi-Wan had tried it on once and immediately wished he could message Satine and ask her whether he could borrow one of hers for the war. Mandalorian armor was so much more comfortable.

Not that he thought the Jedi should wear any at all.

“Are you shipping out?” he asked.

“Yes, Dooku asked for backup. Apparently, he’s been dealing with a Sith apprentice – a different one than the one you encountered on Geonosis – and intends to chase her down. Someone must take over his battalion. Since he dragged me back home from Tatooine, I’ll return the favor.”

“Take Anakin with you,” Obi-Wan heard himself say. “He needs to get out of the temple.”

“You haven’t talked yet,” Shmi stated, her tone not allowing for any disagreement.

“No,” Obi-Wan agreed. “And I don’t think Anakin will talk to me as long as he hasn’t gotten a proper break. So, please?”

Shmi studied him for a moment, then she sighed. “Alright, but the moment you’re fit for duty, he’s your Padawan again.”

Obi-Wan managed to crack a smile at that. “Of course, I’d never trade him for another.”

[ofalderaan]

[thebinarysunset]

ember & umbra

leia's life has been marked by loss, traced through her bloodline and branching out into the galaxy. but never did she think so much loss would come from her own son.

i.

realizing luke was her brother meant joy. realizing vader was her father meant devastation.

her first reaction was to deny it, because certainly it couldn't be possible. not the man she had spent her life fighting against, the one who had caused her so much pain. but the more she thought, the more she felt, the more she began to understand this truth, horrible as it was.

even now, as the battle of endor belonged to another year and a different era, the revelation still felt raw. it was something she hadn't understood to be a wound until it refused to heal. she, a skywalker, a daughter of a man whose face she had never seen.

she would always be an organa. that was how she comforted herself. alderaan, though wiped from the endless sky, was still her home. those were the parents she knew. even if her blood belonged to anakin skywalker, her heart belonged to bail organa. she was the daughter of a man who fought only for peace, not the daughter of a murderer.

if only he was still around to guide her, in more than just her foggy memories. she was thinking so much about parentage, so much about the love she felt in addition to the hatred which now felt so much sharper knowing that it was aimed toward the man whose existence led to her own life.

it wouldn't matter so much if she wasn't about to become a parent herself.

with the first anniversary of the battle of endor approaching, the birth of her child was coming too. it had been months, indeed, but everything had flown by and any day her list of titles would expand to include one more: mother.

as a mother, she could only hope to follow the path laid by her own mothers. breha and padme, royal but far from aloof, who valued compassion and understanding and doing the right thing even when it was difficult. that was how she viewed her work as a senator, but somehow it felt so different to know she was shaping one boy's life instead of the curves of countless people.

he was all hers. of course others would be there to raise him, but no one else carried him inside and felt his light and his shadow like she did. he was all hers, and she wasn't sure just what to feel. joy, yes. fear, of course. confusion, most of all.

she rushed to welcome the new child to the galaxy, as much as she could manage with a baby on the way. there were so many things, ltitle things she never would've considered before, that now seemed vital. perhaps most vital of all was names.

names were strange. there were so many people that had helped her, so many that she could honor and thank. but that also meant names were important, and she spent hour after hour thinking and trying to recruit han to help her. they would have to agree on this, of course. little arguments were okay for little things. but both of them knew that naming their child needed to be a matter with complete consensus.

of course, this seemed near impossible to come by. whatever suggestions they came up with for one another seemed good enough...which meant that they clearly weren't good enough to fit their son.

aside from creating the anxieties of becoming a mother, this child meant hope. hope that she could overcome the darkness that remained in the galaxy, hope that she could be a truly good mother. so then it seemed natural to name him after who had once been her only hope.

ben. three letters, one syllable. not unlike his father's name, she realized. as soon as it came up, murmured under her breath in a brainstorming session, it only felt right. deep within she decided that would be the name for her son, no matter what han thought. fortunately, han seemed to share her devotion to the name.

so it came to be - ben solo would be his name.

with a name determined, she turned to other things. at first she scurried around, trying to collect trinkets and furniture and clothing. that made han laugh, mostly because decided half of it was unimportant. he was right, she knew that, but she just wanted to make the best for her son. han assured her that it would be fine.

finally, when she was resting after a day of trying to orchestrate this desired perfection, she decided she had done enough. if anything else was necessary, she could fetch it once ben was born. or, better yet, get han or someone else to fetch it for her. with this thought curling up the edges of her lips, she moved to a new idea, what else needed to be done before ben arrived.

in an instant, her parents returned to her mind, a usual occurrence throughout the war but now even more prevalent. something about becoming a parent herself made her own parents feel more distant even though she increasingly thought about them. primarily someone's child her entire life, now she was someone's parent. child no more.

it was time to let go of them. bail, breha, padme, anakin, vader. they had guided her enough. though they were all gone, she still felt their presence in her every action. that wouldn't change. but they would just be spirits as opposed to guiding lights.

or so she told herself. letting them go felt like her own action, her own choice. but since ben was coming, it didn't feel that she had much of a choice.

once he was born, she was certain she would lose a part of herself.

ii.

he was always told how lucky he was to have parents like those. heroes and leaders in the war, actual royalty for that matter.

and he was a skywalker, too. they wouldn't let him forget that.

that was what he had always been told. if that was his family, certainly he was destined for something legendary too. except he hadn't done anything yet. there was nothing he could do, not as far as he could see. but he kept hearing that time and time again. it was just a comment but it seemed like a warning - you must become something great or you will be forgotten or worse.

he was supposed to be great like his parents. fair enough. except he felt like he didn't see enough of them to understand what made them so great. not since he was little, and even then.

neglect was the wrong word. neglect implied that it was intentional, that they didn't care. they did care. they just weren't around to show it.

he tried not to blame them. he had tried not to blame them since he was old enough to think about blaming anyone. but every time he found himself alone again those feelings of fear and abandonment bubbled up again.

surely he was doing something wrong. he needed to find an answer, a way for him to be the most important thing in his parents' lives because it just didn't feel like that. so he was doing something wrong, and they didn't stay around enough for him to fix it. to him, it was an unspoken lesson. they weren't trying to tell him of his inadequacy, but they didn't need to. it was clear.

something needed to change. that had been whispered under everyone's breath since he was old enough to walk. no one ever said such a thing to his face or loudly, but he heard it all the same. he whispered it under his own breath, too. part of him thought there was always someone listening. not his parents. someone else.

something needed to change to solve the problem of him. the way he felt made him feel more, and when he didn't know what to do with himself he lashed out. usually when his parents were there. usually, because when they weren't he just felt too empty to do much of anything.

nevertheless, it was a problem. all of it.

the one solution, decided for him, was to go train to be a jedi with the famed luke skywalker, a member of the family and a jedi knight.

he had demonstrated a connection to the force. his mother, leia, had always felt it. and sometimes in the smaller things, it became clear that he had both power and potential. it just needed refinement. he couldn't do that on his own, surely he couldn't. and he was always on his own. no more of that.

that would be it.

he wasn't happy to leave his parents, but that was mostly because it didn't feel different. they would be separated, yes, and so much would change. but, even before this shift, his parents were rarely there, always caught up in their own lives and jobs and reputations as of course they would be. the only difference was that he was going somewhere entirely different. that was all.

he struggled to admit to himself that, more than anything else, he was scared to go. even if he was unhappy with what he knew, it was familiar. he was used to it. training to be a jedi was something new entirely, something that neither of his parents had experienced and neither of them could begin to explain.

but it was nice to think he wouldn't be so alone. other people training, from all over the galaxy, eager and strong and maybe even friendly.

or perhaps all he would be was luke skywalker's nephew. leia organa's and han solo's son. that was all he had ever been. he feared few things more than other people's names overtaking his own. but he also didn't have the faintest idea of how to make a name for himself.

no. no more thinking of that. he wanted to think of not being alone. because he had been alone for so long. near alone.

for the longest time, he thought his only constant companion was a voice. since he liked to consider himself not a child anymore, he tried to convince himself that he had made up the voice himself to help him feel better. but it seemed like it came from something out of his reach, something separate, no matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise.

he was told he had more power than he realized. he was told he could be a leader in ways that would far surpass anything he knew. he was told he was perfect. he was told his parents couldn't understand this, maybe even envied him for this, and could not treat him fairly and well because of this.

they were enticing, those words. it was a good explanation for why his parents weren't there, one that made him more important than the jobs that had always been the excuse. it made sense, and when he felt the most confused and upset about a lack of attention he reminded himself of those words as if they were fact. a greater destiny was comforting.

now if only he could understand how to reach it.

he figured that, even though it hadn't really been his decision, going to train to be a jedi was his first step. it seemed to match in with the voice, the words.

he knew this voice had nothing to do with the jedi. it felt like standing in shadows and looking up into the sky and feeling so far because the darkness stretched out forever. that wasn't the jedi.

but if he didn't go to train, surely the voice would just fade away. he couldn't be destined to be so powerful if he simply stayed stagnant.

he tried to reconcile the words with the unspoken message of his parents. it was nearly impossible to do such a thing.

were they trying to fix him? what exactly about him was so broken? the worst thing he could think of - which was what he thought about a lot - was that maybe nothing was broken. but even as his full, complete self, he wasn't enough.

it was no wonder he would much rather listen to the voice.

leaving was the final strike. what ever he had with his parents would vanish as soon as he went away. no one would say it but everyone would know it.

he left to lose them, and lose them he did.

iii.

he was gone.

she was told not to blame herself, but those words evaporated easily. she had promised herself to tell ben about darth vader, about the truth of their bloodline, but had never found the right time.

she had no choice in finding that right time, as she needed to tell him as everyone else in the galaxy found out, a political attack leading to personal devastation. but she had sent out a personal message to him, hoping that it would reach him and he would understand why it was a secret for so long. they hadn't spoken in so long and then went that message, part explaining and part begging for forgiveness.

she chastised herself in the midst of her pain. keeping secrets, and such a vital one, too.

her message, earnest as it was, was the beginning of the end. it wasn't the message itself but what it implied.

oh, my son, i wanted to tell you about our family but i couldn't because i didn't know how to say it to anyone and especially not to you, my son, you who have always carried a darkness inside that feels so much like his and i didn't know how you would react because i never do know how you will react, my son.

a lack of trust. he was an adult, had been for several years, and she kept silent. a lack of trust, and perhaps what seemed like a lack of love.

she prayed that he hadn't thought that. that wasn't it at all. unconsciously she had kept this secret because of love. finding out about vader was shattering and she didn't know what it might do to her son. she didn't want him to suffer. she didn't want him to hurt because of it.

but now she might never know exactly what he thought.

she guessed from what she knew. betrayed, he had sought out every trace of vader he could find as if to make up for a gap he hadn't known existed. and then he embraced it completely. more than completely.

a new darth vader, that was the echo.

vader's torture outlived him. it wasn't enough to make her scream and beg for mercy, or to kill off the only parents she had ever known before her eyes, or to make her suffer knowing she was his daughter. no, he had to take her son, too. her quiet and conflicted and darkness-laced son, carrying on a legacy he hadn't known about until a few years prior.

darth vader brought suffering, suffering that might last to her death. that was her father. that was her heritage. and oh, it showed.

she was desperate to talk to luke of family and finding out what went wrong and if there was any path to resolution.

but he was gone. because of what ben had done, he had vanished. he blamed himself for missing the darkness. leia had told him about the shadows but he assured her they would not grow. he had smiled then.

that was luke. always optimistic. always looking for the bright side because he had always found a way through.

not this time.

luke's story of anakin returning to the light just prior to his death brought her a kind of solace that she was almost ashamed to have. she knew light remained in her son and that maybe he could come back, too. after all, he had only just turned. it was the result of years of whispers in his ears, salt rubbed into the wounds of his doubts, but perhaps it was reversible.

he had only just turned. he was only just bad. he was still out there, she could still feel him, ben, still out there in the galaxy somewhere. she wanted him back so badly. surely he wanted it too. he had only just turned.

luke would be able to help if he hadn't disappeared. that wasn't like him, to turn away when people he cared about needed help. but it also wasn't like him to have everything fall apart so completely around him. she tried not to have any kind of resentment toward him. surely he was just as lost as she was.

but she needed someone. something. she tried to find it.

han didn't know how to handle it. to be fair, neither did she. but their lives, already mostly spent away from one another, untethered completely. as much as they loved each other and wanted to make it out of this time of pain, it became clear that they couldn't be with one another. their bickering became more common, their inability to figure out their own feelings made it impossible to share them with one another. now it seemed they had been falling apart for years. running away was natural.

han went to his old ways of smuggling and adventure. she devoted herself to the still budding resistance. at the same time she tried to ignore the fact that the resistance was fighting against the very order that her son was joining.

it was easier to keep the evil faceless and nameless, and so often that was what they did for themselves. it was easier to think they were all irredeemable, knowing exactly what they were doing and doing it anyway because they were wretched beings.

knowing her son was there brought a name, a face, and an image of him tearing apart the universe willingly.

with a mask and a new name, perhaps she would be able to find a distinction. but it was all so new. too sudden to be pensive.

leia found herself very much alone even though the people around her were essentially the same. she and han worked on different things and spent time apart, luke was always off somewhere on some mission in the galaxy.

they were rarely next to her but they had always been with her. now their presence was entirely out of reach.

how quickly she lost everyone.

iv.

no one had to tell her because she already knew.

han killed, ren the killer.

so simple and yet she didn't foresee it.

usually she had an instinct for these kinds of things. she thought of it as a gut feeling but was often told it was the force at work. but the force had bent into forms she couldn't comprehend, or she had been too focused on the other part of the mission, destroying what would have destroyed the entire resistance.

she had thought about han because she wanted him to be safe, and she had thought about her son because she wanted him to come back. but it had just been thoughts. she was a general. she had to pay attention to the larger scale, not just the individuals she cared about.

so she hadn't foreseen it. even if she had, what could she have done? she couldn't have gotten a message through to han fast enough, that kind of communication wasn't available. she didn't know how to use the force to get a message through to ben. she couldn't have done that, either. she only could have stopped it if she hadn't started it.

she did not want to regret that she had told han to go to him. she had believed so fully, and hoped so completely, just as she had when she was young. maybe, after the endless years that her son had been away, he could come back. it wouldn't be easy. not after acting as a puppet of the darkness for several years.

but now neither one of them was coming home.

it was easy to feel helpless now. feeling like she had a decision earlier, a way to patch a hole that didn't exist yet, plagued her. she had to keep reminding herself that while things could've gone differently so much of it was out of her hands. not in a helpless way. in a way that there was nothing more she could do by worrying if there might've been something she could've done.

han wouldn't have wanted that. he might not even want her to grieve. there was no avoiding that, though. but none of these details, none of these if only's. only trying to figure out what to do next, now that kylo ren had killed his father.

maybe she would never forgive him. maybe she wasn't capable of it. and how could she blame herself for that? gone was her husband and her brother and her son. all of that came from kylo ren. without kylo ren she would still have a family, while now she had nothing. less than before. there was no coming back and it was his fault.

was there hope? was there another way?

it hadn't been instantaneous. the force, it seemed, let her know that much. there was more than just kylo ren laying eyes on han and taking him out immediately. there was more. there was something like compassion, something like longing.

it was so hazy. it was so hard to tell.

but perhaps not all his blood was cold. that was hope. that was hope that maybe things could be worse though they were awful.

besides that. there had to be hope outside of the two men she kept thinking so much about. distracting herself - no, not distracting, just placing her thoughts elsewhere - would help her to heal. if this was even something that would allow her to heal.

there were others she loved. others she fostered and felt a connection, a push to be a mother for even though she couldn't place why. she would love them and teach them as much as she could manage.

but born with ben was doubt. maybe she couldn't be a good mother. and she thought we could've done better but she had done as much as she could for ben. yet he had turned away completely. if she couldn't place every point where she had gone wrong, she couldn't reassure herself that she could mother anyone else without them falling either. everything looped back around to him, her son, who she had lost so long ago but maybe now for good. she couldn't tell yet.

work would be her sanctuary. fighting against the first order, attempting to maintain some good in the universe even when all was going wrong. these battles were escalating into complete war, surely. the resistance was a cause she cared about. she was devoted to it, completely. or she tried to be. she would continue trying until something changed and she couldn't any more.

she would love and she would work. that was what she had done her entire life, and this would not be any different. she prayed so. maybe, for a few scattered moments, she would forget that han was dead and that her son was the one who killed him. maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much. maybe she could work, she could fight for good and light and anything but the suffering that was laced into her life.

but it was unrealistic to think those moments would happen so soon. how could they? time was necessary. she didn't have any of that, and she couldn't get any.

she would think of her son. she would think of her husband. she would ache, and ache, and ache. she would get so used to aching that she might not feel the ache any longer. it would become a part of her. it would cloud her vision and her logic and she would forgive herself for it later because she was grieving.

perhaps for her own sake, she hoped that once the haze of grief passed she could close her eyes and feel that same haze within a part of kylo ren that had been buried. that would be ben. that would be remorse. that would be her son, her blood.

then, maybe, she could forgive him.