#But I also wanna not be so blah all the time | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

breezypunk · 2 years

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I spent some time thinking. I am not going to go into great detail cos I just don't have the energy to do so. However, I feel that for once I will say what's on my mind.

I struggle with finding my place here, with belonging. I've been a lone wolf for a long time, even when I thought I had people, I still felt alone. This fandom holds a huge part of my heart, it's the first time I felt connected to a game so emotionally, and invested so much time and energy into. I've never spent 2 years on one game with no thoughts of leaving anytime soon, until Cyberpunk.

I'm a very emotional person, who still struggles with many things when it comes to this fandom. Things I will not speak of, because it won't do any good. However, there have been instances where I've been made to look like a bad person because there are people who have beef with me. (and it is very one sided at this point, because I am tired).

I am moving on with whatever drama and anger people may have, I have made wonderful friends over the last few months, people I am so grateful to know. People who are understanding and want to see others succeed and do well, people who are such a special part of this fandom who make it a place where it's worth it to stay.

But it's not just the people, it's also the game itself. I think a lot of us lost the whole point of being in this fandom, and that is to love a game that brought us so much happiness and emotional investment, the characters who we grew to love so much. The lore, the headcanons, the photostories people come up with, that's what makes a fandom, not drama, not bullshit. Not people accusing you of shit every 3-5 business days.

There are a lot of talented people here, well.. to me everyone is talented in their own way, everyone deserves a chance here. Everyone deserves to be happy here and not have to walk on eggshells all the time.

I for one am tired of walking on eggshells, I've been doing it over a year and a half now, and I'm done. I'm ready to get back into why I came into this fandom to begin with, to enjoy Night City and it's wonderful characters, and I hope everyone else does that too.

There are still things I need to work on, because I am not perfect, no one is. I like to think of myself as perfectly imperfect, because I know there are things I can change too, here, and within myself.

#Personal #Fandom #Also I am going to address this one more time because this is what eats at me the most #I do. not. copy. people.#k that's it I'm never addressing this again lol #Anyways I'm going back on my little break I will be back saturday with blorbos #I just needed to talk about how I'm feeling #Cos I always bottle shit in but I wanna try not to do that #But I also wanna not be so blah all the time #I know I'm often sad but it's a sad world lmao #I'm trying though I really am

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bedforddanes75 · 4 days

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i just think you deserve eternal happiness actually. funny and actually nice. u are jesus. anyway No pls i AM AFRAID u are simply too cool and i cant deal

#“cant deal” im a millennial at heart x #ok no i love u though #asks #mewtuals #blah blah!#ok im talking here u asked for this basically im going insane theyre so fucking stupid like i know im the one who made them but they keep #NOT SPEAKING anf its so annoying like can you stop being teenage boys and start knowing how to fucking SPEAK #also i am NOT being a creep i dont focus on it its literally not mentioned but theyre in college okay.#well one of them is #no wait both of them are Sorry i tell a lie #anyway its pissing me off like dude can u grow UP and be COOl omg its makign me mad like i could literally just make them know but also im #obsessed with making it “realistic” (its literally rpf girl) and like i dont wanna go to the opposite end of the spectrunm and make them ha #all that therapy speak like omgmfgnfkjnhkj its making me mad.#and like ?? i wasnt coming out in 2007 omh wait no wrong time i cant do times I WASNT COMING OUT IN THE 2000S IS THE POINT #SO HOW AM I MEANT TO KNOW JOW THST WOULD GO OMFG #imgonna bite someone im so mad #like i just checked it's 25593 words.#TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED AND NINETY THREE WORDS. THAT IS RIDICULOUS #FUCKING NOTHING HAPPENS IM HONNA THROW UP #but also im obsessed w word count so im hesitant to dlete ...#no ok all scenes are important i think but uuugggggghhhh LIKE OMDGFNJGNFJNH #anyway im so mad like can u just stop being stupid dude im gonna beat myself up #no because like why did i start this. what relevance does this have to anything.#it is. to be fair to myself. i think the best thing ive ever written though #so #everything is FINE and i am a okay

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flowercrowngods · 10 months

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always so funky to be reminded that your parents might love you but they don’t actually like you very much

#wasn’t i supposed to leave that feeling behind with puberty?#anyway mama decided i have no christmas wish #the sad little guy who can’t get nice things for themself also doesn’t get to ask for them now during the ‘ask for things’ time of the year #it’s not about christmas it’s not about material things it’s about looking me in the glassy eyes and asserting ‘you have no wish’#when wishing is all i ever do you just never create a space safe enough for me to voice them #blah #not st #i’m so so sorry that whining is all i ever do anymore and i shouldn’t be so sad about this over and over again #i’m just. so small. tiny. and insignificant. i might not have been there all day and 99% of the conversations would have happened the same #i wanna stop feeling this way but i think in order to stop feeling this way i need to stop wanting to be loved and seen and listened to #by my mom. and i don’t think it’s entirely human or possible to stop wanting that. so oh well #i don’t know if i give them reason to like me. maybe i don’t. this might all be on me actually.#if she knew i’m crying about this she’d roll her eyes and say ‘you know how i am. sorry you misunderstood me’#why do the blows keep coming? when’s it my turn to rest?

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bunnihearted · 2 months

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#no but i actually hate that i made this blog to vent freely bc i have no other place to talk abt anything or my feelings or thoughts #and im a very isolated person and a shut in and i dont have a job or go to school successfully and i dont know anyone #like blah blah. i have struggled and im drowning in them all. like why the fuck cant ppl just comprehend that we all have different views o #life and the world? like 'wallowing' is .. i have heavy anxiety which is completely untreated and it gives me real bad suicidal ideation #if me complaining on a blog that im btw not forcing anyone to read helps me to stay alive and get my pain out... why does that matter to #other ppl?????? like why does other ppl get so mad seeing someone they dont know vent??#also this goes for everyone but u can literally have no idea abt all of a person's life #esp on here where all u see is like my text posts where i vent abt how i FEEL. bc i want to. ??? i want to do that so i do #u dont know the context u dont know my experiences or what has happened in my life or context #u dont know what has transpired between me and other ppl i vent abt #like u know fuck all. u dont have the right to pass judgement onto a stranger that doesnt even know u exist #and even if i complain on here bc i dont have a real life but i want to #u have no idea what im doing with the rest of my time???? im making lists im trying to look up info abt school and programs #im trying to read abt my mental health issues and im doing mindfulness and im going to the gym #i am trying!!! and u dont have any idea what i do or how i try and u dont have any right to judge me bc all u see is one part that is me #complaining bc this is what i use this blog for. genuinely i do not get why this is even a big deal or why anyone would follow or read smth #makes them irritated???????#idk.. i dont wanna disable anons and stuff (bc funnily enough no one ever says this stuff with their url 🤨) bc i dont wanna miss out on the #stuff but it is infuriating that i have nowhere to go no friends no therapist etc etc to talk #and this is all i have bc i want to vent !!!!!!! and then i have to be like ok now other ppl i dont even know #and who dont actually give a fuck abt me are gonna judge me and tell me im living incorrectly #and ive never gotten more such things than now? why do y'all hate that i vent abt losing out on my 1st love #and feeling heartbroken?????? what the fuck? that has nothing to do with anyone else but me? like genuinely wtf #i just wanna vent bc i feel like im drowning but now i feel like i cant bc ppl just judge and like ugh

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wovetales · 11 hours

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halloween season is the time of year my wallet hurts most. just bought a wallet , the new c.orpse bride make up collection ( i needed new stuff anyway ) & i bought w.ednesday croc shoes. xD

#˗ˏˋ ᵖʳᵒˡᵒᵍᵘᵉ out of character ﹕ ghost with the most.#tbd.#to be fair last year was way worse for me #bc i was spending on decor and also a whole ass HOUSE #but this year im treating myself #its been such a busy few weeks #i needed something cute #im feeling a little blah thanks to girlie times #but im around! might just make graphics and figure out #how i wanna do my character banners for info and all that #please reach out if you wanna plot or do memes!#i also wanna work on my pinterest for the multi so i #might work on that too :D

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todayisafridaynight · 1 day

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Hey so Snap this is going to be so fucking weird, but honestly don’t care. So I was watching a clip of Drag Race Philippines and it was the make over episode and I think they were making over family members and this father was all about getting into drag. So, I just wanted to tell you never forget how much of a lovely loving kind and caring father you have, who loves you and protects you and makes you feel heard. That’s all.

i'd have to die before i forget how great my dad is thank you for the opportunity to brag about him again anon

#snap chats #no smarmy one-sentence response i fear i never play about my dad's character and its been. A Month so i gotta be earnest #Comically And Topically tho i still wonder wtf my dad meant when he said 'i always thought of being a girl' when i opened up to him #part of me thinks he was just joking and thats probably it but also ....... //audible confusion + vine boom + eyebrow quirking//#its so funny you brought up my dad though i was thinking of visiting him this weekend #last week my Bitch Ass Mom wanted to watch a movie with me and since speak no evil was coming out i proposed we see that #since starting therapy shes been 'trying' to be closer with us but she still doesnt like me on a fundamental level so get bent ig #but she hates horror movies and made a whole show of not wanting to go and how american movies are so brutal and blah blah #this was right after she took me ice skating with her .. cause shes obsessed with ice skating now ... like maam please #i like skating so thank you but ... idk ... she never wants to do things i wanna do #then again we're pretty different i think so. LOL sorry i like horror movies and nothing you like apparently #im glad she didnt come cause i just went with my bro and since the theater was Virtually Empty we just cracked jokes the whole time vjlaekv #plus i just know my mom wouldve been annoying and i wanted to enjoy the movie !!!! which i did ty !!!!!!!#but yk who LOVES horror movies and who i used to watch horror movies with all the time growin up !!!!!!!!!!#i havent seen a movie with my dad in forever.... the last one we saw was so long ago but it was some weird owen wilson movie i think #wait now that ive dragged my mom into this she started therapy Did I Share That. Im Reminding You Anyway #but the most vile thing i ever heard her say was that she admitted to me she never loved my dad 'emotionally'#like wow ..... a thousand life times in hell for you i think i cant even begin to describe the rage chat i could write a novel #but i only have 30 tags so i wont. i should call my dad tho.. this is inspiring me to call my dad thank you anon #if youre still reading Double Thank You. i havent complained about my mom in a while and this was just funny timing overall vjRLKJAEVK #ok im gonna go talk with my dad now. my college friend's coming oevr in like three hours and we're gonna watch glass #cause that came up in convo yesterday Long Story so that should be funny vjlekjlakj

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

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#guess whos back in therapy bby 😎#the lady i saw was nice. 1st appointments r always a lotta blah blah blah so much to cover #and im always like bleh whatever im not that bad but when u put it all down on paper it is sorta a lot lol #i got the comment. hm u seem to kno a lot abt the dsm. and like listen. i have been meticulously categorizing my problems for the last 4 #years. and i like to learn so ya kno. also said yea it sounds like u r having hypomanic episodes.#and asked if bipolar was a possibility and like if i was bipolar that would absolutely blow my god damn mind. im pretty sure its just pmdd #but whatever. im open to the possibility. mostly i wanna hear someone else perspective on this #i feel like im collaborating on a project. like gimmie ur notes i wanna see if were on the same track. bc im insane like that #i always feel bad when they apologize for asking invasive questions. like neh its fine. i got nothin to hide and i dont give a fuck #also i told a class of my peers that my distraction from research is drawing narut0 fan art. again bc i do not #give a single fuck. Professors response: hopefully we get to see it some day. bro. if u ask me i will show u. i do not care #i mean. probably nothing too weird but i feel like most of my stuff is safe to share. i just come off looking like a weeb i guess #but yea back in therapy bc my mum reminded me bc the ppl around me irl r also worried for my well-being based on my behavior lol #i mean its just bc i complain that im in like psychological pain a lot. so lots and lots of bitching abt my brain ^^#the lady i saw did fall a lil bit into my trap. like what woulf ur life look like if u had everything under control? bc it seems like ur #here and ur starting a phd what more do u want? and im like mwahaha but u see i can do school #i can do school so good. i am the best at school and thats it. i am otherwise barely functional #so i can be successful on paper and dysfunctional when it comes to having a life :-]#but whatever. well see what she wants to follow up on next week bc i threw a lot at her #also went to my office for the 1st time. it is really nice to sit in a working lab and watch ppl interact. but also i do feel like im #dying if i try to sit in that room with 2 other ppl lol. so well see how it goes. i may find somewhere else to hide #unrelated

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magnoliamyrrh · 10 months

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by this point when i see balkan ppl who think the solution to things is as ethnically pure as possible ethnostates whichever way this is spun i just want to hit them square in the head with a pan. the most effective way to deal with this? yea probably not. is this what i want to do? yes.

#💀💀💀💀 im so sick and tired of this #motherfuckers having conversations about ethnic purity and blah blah this is Our Land Only like bro #by this point if we wanna keep going with this shit the only people who have a right to the balkans are the very first #africans who settled the balkans. like the og indigenous people (which also were very likely more than one people and kept coming in severa #waves most likely anyway). which aint around no more and also were all mixed with #so. literally fuck off im sick of it all #in a historical context all of this is absolutely bloody ridiculous #in a genetic context this shit is Also bloody ridiculous #fun time seeing in class graphed the genetics vs ethnicity of balkan ppl. guess what! i was right. were all more similar than different and #also in many cases! very mixed! and in some cases ppl who identify as an ethnicity are genetically much closer to another!#💀 as if this aint obvious without genetic testing #like lets be clear if we keep going with this line of argumentation basically all of us in the balkans should pack our bags and #“go back to our lands” which are..... the caucasus central asia the near east the middle east or africa #depending on which migrations were choosing to identify w i suppose #does this seem any sort of realistic #where does this mentality end exactly? (genocide and ethnostates weve seen it and the spinning of history to fit whoevers grand narrative)

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ambivalentmarvel · 1 year

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just went through the main azula tags i have to write more wtr the economy is in fucking shambles