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wordynerdygurl · 4 years

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The Guy

Author’s Note: Hello my lovelies! I have to say, I love writing requests and taking part in Challenges. It helps me sharpen my skills! But, with the insane way the world is right now, I offered to participate in one... then lost the details. So, with my sincere appreciation for @lancsnerd ,who kindly sent me a reminder about my missing “assignment”, I present the following! Summary/ Prompt: A quote of “He’s the guy” and my boy, Loki Pairing: Female Reader x Loki Warnings: Swearing, Implied Smut, Fluff, Soft Loki

“Are you gonna tell me what I want to know? Or… do we have to do this the hard way?” Gravel filled and low, the Winter Soldier had you pinned against the rough brick wall, his metal arm holding your wrists together.

“Ooph! Bucky! Get off!” “Make me, princess!”

Kicking your legs free, you swung around Bucky, locking him in a bear hug from behind. Squeezing him with your thighs, your forearms wrapped around his strong neck, “Tap out, Buck!” Wheezing, staggering back, Bucky tried spinning you around but even his metal arm was unable to grab you, “Never!” Applying more pressure to his windpipe, you grunted, “Give me the win!” “No way”, you felt his hard hand grip your thigh, breaking your hold. Suddenly you were untethered, above your feet was the ceiling of the gym, and then there was no breath in your lungs. Bucky had managed to flip you over and slam you down onto the waiting mat with reverberating force. Gasping loudly, you curved up to meet Bucky’s waiting hand, “You alright, doll?”

Shaking your head, sitting up, “That was a dirty trick, Barnes. I had you and you know it.” “Yea… but you still haven’t answered my question, so I couldn’t let you win.” Pulling you to your feet easily, Bucky threw his arms around you, his warm hug an easy way to make sure there would be no lasting damage from your sparring session. “Why do you want to know so bad?” Lowering yourself to the workout bench, forearms resting on your knees, you kept a close watch on your sparring partner. Tossing you a towel, Bucky grabbed both of your water bottles, sitting down on the mat in front of you. Wiping the sweat away from your forehead, slugging down the cool water, you kicked at the super soldier sitting criss cross applesauce. Leaning back, resting his weight on his arms stretched behind him, “Because... I worry about you. I want to make sure you’re safe… and I want to believe this guy is good enough for you.” Considering his words, you snapped your bottle shut, nodding, “I get it, Bucky. I really do. I’m just… not ready to talk about it.” Sensing your hesitation, Bucky patted your knee, “Just know that I’m here when you are ready. And if he fucks up, I’ll kill him.” Laughing, you stood up with a groan, “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind!” At dinner that night, Steve knocked into your shoulder, “Hey kiddo.”

“Hey Stevie! How are you?” “It’s spaghetti night, what more does a guy need?” It was an easy exchange, making you chuckle as he loaded a plate high with pasta and sauce before settling himself into the chair next to you. Unfolding a napkin to lay over his trousers, “Bucky told me you’ve met someone?” Flicking your eyes to the Winter Soldier, who all of the sudden was very interested in something Tony was saying, you munched on your garlic bread. Swallowing thickly and patting your mouth clean, you turned to Steve, “Oh, he did huh?” “Yes… but he says you won’t give up this guy’s name?” Concern was present on your friend’s face. While you appreciated Steve's sentiment, it wasn't necessary, not entirely. You knew what you were doing and you didn't want to be talked out of it, even by your well intentioned friends.

"I don't know why everyone cares so much. He's a guy… I'm a girl… it's traditional and boring."

Swirling a fork through his saucy plate, lifting those dutiful blue eyes to yours, "So why the secrecy?"

Chewing, thoughtful, you considered Steve's question. It was valid. You were quick to acknowledge that, answering, "Um… because we're still in that love bubble. Ya know?"

Chiming in, Bucky curious now, "Love bubble? I don't know what that is… what does that mean? Love bubble?"

"It's that time in a new relationship when… um… it's like…" words failing, you desperately tried to give structure to your argument.

Interrupted by Loki, sulking at the end of the long table, "She doesn't want to share her paramore. Greedily, she wants to keep the pair in a love bubble. Separate and safe from any interference. Unpopped, if you will."

"Is that true? You don't want us to bug you?" Bucky's eyes widened at the thought.

Shrugging, you dug around for another meatball, "Kinda… Look, it's not that I don't love you, Buck. Or that I don't trust you, Steve. It's just… all of you can be a lot to deal with. And-" looking at the faces of each of your Avenger friends, "-my… guy… I really, really like him. I don't want to scare him away."

Admitting it out loud, that was taking a lot of your courage but you were being completely honest. This guy, he was just about perfect and you didn't want to blow that by bringing him around your overprotective people so soon. Natasha, the group's mama bear, smiled. "Seems reasonable to me. Give her some time, fellas… if he's half as great as she says, we'll like him well enough."

Steve, smiling a little in your direction, "I don't know who he is… but it seems like he makes you happy!"

Bucky, over protective, kept hounding you, "When will I get to meet him?"

"Soon, Buck. I promise."

"I wonder who it is… this man you care about so much that you're protecting him from us, your dearest friends!" It was Loki, musing from afar that made the observation, his sharp eyes on you.

"I told you-" It was Tony’s turn to interrupt, loudly calling, “FRIDAY?”

“Yes, Mr. Stark?” “Start a pool. Five dollar buy in, guesses on who this guy is… whoever has the winning answer gets the kitty!” “Tony! Not cool! And, not necessary! You guys don’t really need to do this!” But your protests went unheard as chatter erupted and a round of bills were flung on the table. Steve, murmuring to Bucky across the table, “What was that guy at the coffee shop? Cameron? Carson?” Snapping his fingers, Bucky answered, “Carlton!”

“He’s my guess, Tony.” “Shit, Steve. That’s not fair… but, ok. Ok, my guess is Matt. That guy from the pizza place who kept bringing extra chicken fingers for you! You’d never admit to a date with him!” Bucky, smug and pleased, sat back content with his detective work.

“Natasha? Thoughts?” Tony was typing away, his interface with FRIDAY recording all the back and forth, compiling the list of possible boyfriend candidates. Tapping her lip, Nat watched you, “Hmm… Is it Warren? The kid from China Star who rode the Kawasaki and always wanted to take you for a ride?”

Clint leaned over you, grabbing a breadstick as he threw down a ten, “I want to put Charles, from the IT department on the list… and Juan, the recycling rep. Both of those guys follow you around like puppies and I could see you taking pity on at least one of them!” “Nope. No way! She went out with Charles once already. He was the guy who ate her french fries at dinner. Big No-No!” “Rhodes, how do you remember that shit? Fine, not Charles then. What about Frankie? The dude from the diner?” Clint asked the assembled team, looking for someone to back him up.

Mortified, hiding behind your hands, you grimaced. The list, it kept growing, and you could feel icy eyes of judgement lighting you up from across the room. You knew you’d have to answer questions later.

Jane, having joined Thor at the table, was getting caught up on your situation. Conspiring with her Norse God of a boyfriend, she chuckled, slapping a bill on the table with the announcement, “Our money is on Loki.”

Silence overtook the room. Everybody stared at the small, brunette scientist, evaluating if her suggestion was real or a joke. A guffaw broke out of you and quickly gathered steam, propelling you directly into a hiccup filled giggle fit. In a flash everyone joined in, the idea of you and Loki being together was at once so hilarious and unbelievable. It was also diverting enough that the talk of your love life died completely. Grateful and satisfied, you finished dinner without any other questions, even offering to do the dishes. While you were scraping remnants into the compost bucket, you felt the room’s temperature drop, noticing that Loki had slid into the room, "Love bubble is it?"

Dropping the plates into the sink, plunging your hands into the soapy water, his strong ones glide over your shoulders, "Yes. I'm really enjoying our little bubble of love."

“Me too.” Pressing a small kiss to the curve of your neck, Loki pulled your body close, hugging you tightly from behind. As Loki was nearly a foot taller than you, it was nothing to tip your head up, his welcome mouth finding yours for a soft kiss. Curving your back, your bottom rubbed against his pelvis, his desire already rising. “Although, they had a lot of suggestions, my innocent little kitten. Should I be worried?” Shaking your head, “No. None of those… meatballs compare with you, Loki.” “Good. That makes me glad… and I’m pleased to know how coveted you are, my pet.” Roving hands took the liberty of sliding under the hem of your shirt, fingertips just grazing over your bra covered breasts.

Sighing into Loki’s loving touch, “Not that you were much help!"

"What can I say? I like seeing you squirm" his lethal voice purred, warm against your ear.

Pirouetting in his arms, your damp hand brushing back a strand of dark curls, "Jane almost gave us away.” A small smile, almost sad, pulled down Loki’s lips, “Is the idea of you loving me so hilarious?”

“Not to me.”

His head dipped, lowering those pink lips to your own, almost colliding… when laughter, drawing near, broke your moment of connection. Effectively ending your private chat, Thor stomped confidently into the room unaware of the way Loki jumped back as if scalded, or the way your hands trembled at the possibility of discovery. “Brother! I need to speak with you!” Flicking his desire filled eyes to yours, Loki smirked, “Of course… to what do I owe the honor?” “I have asked Jane to be my bride!” “Brother! It’s about time Jane made an honest man out of you!” Loki, more than a little surprised but genuinely pleased for his sibling, hugged Thor close. “YAY! That’s so exciting! Have you guys picked a date yet?” Wiping your hands dry, leaning against the sink, you were happy to hear all of Thor's big news. Shaking his blonde head excitedly, “We shall be wed in three months time… and I was hoping that Loki would play for our special day?”

Loki, blushing a deep rosy pink, “Thor… It’s been years.”

“So? What of that, God of Mischief? You always find a way”, wagging a finger at his dark hued brother, Thor’s teasing grin was sweet. Piling on excuses, trying to gently defer his brother’s marital request, Loki added, “I don’t think I have a suitable instrument.”

That was enough for your mouth to hang open, “Wait… you want Loki to perform? Like play music? At your wedding?” “Of course! He’s the best chamber musician in Asgard. Possibly the entire Nine Realms.” Pride filled Thor’s words at Loki’s accomplishments, something you found impossibly charming, even if you couldn’t quite believe what he said was true.

“Thor, really… I don't think-" Clapping a broad hand onto his younger brother's shoulder, Thor’s tone changed, “Music from home, Loki. It would mean so much, especially since… Mother and Father-”

Loki held up a hand, stopping Thor from going further into emotional sincerity, unable to bear the rawness in his brother’s words. Closing his eyes, agreeing, “Fine. Ok, I’ll… I’ll do it!’ Loki could sense your watchful eyes on him, curious and questioning, as he gave into his older brother.

With his easy smile spreading, Thor’s joy pushed the cloud of sadness away, “Our special day will be filled with music! And flowers! Jane has a whole… Pinterest board? I don’t know what that is but she’s filled it with ideas-” spinning around to grab you off your feet, Thor continued, “And you’ll be invited too! All of the team must come, not just my wayward brother!” Getting swept up in Thor’s passionate excitement, you laughed, offering up more congratulations and promises of attending. As your toes touched the floor, Thor pulled Loki away, “Jane says you will take Darcy as a date for the ceremony.” Tilting his head, Loki shrugged shyly, speaking loud enough for you to hear, “Uh… actually, I already have a date.” Gripping Loki in a rib smashing hug, Thor squeezed his little brother tightly, “That is marvelous news! Jane will be so pleased! So, who’s the lucky girl?” Smiling, you watched them go, happy to see the pair so connected. You didn’t need to hear Loki’s answer. You knew who he’d be taking to Thor’s wedding.

That night, as you were toweling dry your cropped hair, a pop of green light signaled the arrival of your secret boyfriend. He was positively electric, grabbing you by the terry robe covered hips, and kissing you swiftly. Loki's hands rubbed over the soft fabric on your back until they cradled your smiling face, "Hmm… you smell so clean that it makes me think dirty thoughts."

Giggling, you rose up on your toes, curling your hands into his tangle of dark hair. You bent his waiting mouth to your own, savoring the sensation of shared breath, as your tongue flicked over Loki's lips, “Dirtier than that?” Nodding, his heated look hungry, “Oh yes.” "How dirty are we talking?", you teased, resting your cheek against Loki's chest. His rich laugh, rumbling through his core, joined your own. Pressing his forehead to yours, Loki sighed sweetly, "I missed you…"

"I just saw you at dinner!"

"But it's been too long. I… I need more."

Turning to hang up your towel, over your shoulder, "More what, my prince?"

"More of you." Having gained on you while your back was turned, Loki was behind you now, wrapping his long arms around your waist.

Squealing, delighted, "LOKI! Someone will hear!"

Dropping you quickly on the mattress, Loki shimmied up beside you, toying with the open collar on your robe, "So?"

"So… they'll find you here."

Thoughtfully, Loki’s proud look captured your own, "Maybe I don't care. Not anymore… Maybe I don't want to keep you and me… us, a secret."

Swallowing hard, your gaze trapped by Loki's earnest expression, "Really? You're ready to pop the love bubble?"

His fingertips brushed over the thin skin between your breasts, "Yes? I… I think so. Are you?"

Biting on your bottom lip, scrutinizing his handsome face, "Loki, I…"

Freezing, his hand stalled, and Loki sat back on his heels. Looking out your window, shoulders slumping in resignation, "You don't want to tell anyone. You are ashamed to be with me."

Swiftly sitting up, cupping his face with your hands, crooning, "No, no, no, no, no, no!"

Shrugging away from your touch, "You don't care for me, not like you claim to, if you won't declare your feelings for all to hear."

"Loki! That's not it at all."

Letting you tug him closer, Loki's tear filled eyes still refused to meet your own, "Loki… I… I love you. And… I just don't want to share you. Not yet, anyway. That is-" putting your arms around his neck until you were nose to nose with the red-rimmed eyes of an emotional Odinson, "-my only reason for keeping our romance quiet."

Whispering, Loki was too shocked to shake you off, "You… love me?" His voice wavered, as if the idea of being loved by you had never been a real possibility, as if something impossible was occurring right here and now.

On your knees, sighing, you started pressing tiny kisses along those sharp as knives cheekbones, "Yes. I am crazy in love with you, Loki Odinson."

Loki had held you tightly before; in the night when terrific dreams haunted his sleep, in the night when he claimed your body for his own. But this embrace, after telling the dark Prince the truth in your heart, had no equal.

Still taller than you, even though you were both kneeling, Loki's right arm wove around your waist forcing your hips flush with his own. His left supported your back, his hand cradling the nape of your neck, helping him kiss you soundly. It was conquering.

You were his. Body and soul. What's more? He was yours.

Coming up for air, panting from the work of loving you, "My dove, my dearest one… I love you too."

Shucking your robe was easy and Loki savored the lavender soap scented skin he exposed. If a spot of you wasn’t kissed, it was licked. If not licked, nipped. If not nipped, it was caressed. And Loki was very thorough. When you mewled, weak from forced pleasure, “Loki… please. Make love to me.” he was eager to comply. “Look at me, darling girl.” Puffing out your pleasure filled breath, skin dewy with perspiration, you met Loki’s eyes with your own. Resting his hand over your heart, he lifted your own, letting you feel the pattern of his pulse. “It beats for you and for you alone.” In the afterglow, laying in Loki’s arms, you stifled another giggle. Groggy from exertion, Loki opened one eye, “What’s so funny?” “You never told me you play a musical instrument.” “You never asked.”

“Are you any good?”

“You’ll find out when you accompany me to Thor’s wedding.” --- With his heavy cello, Loki took a seat on the edge of the dance floor, taking just a moment to get settled. A beautifully strange combination of concentration and relaxation mingled over the features you loved so dearly. Fiddling with strings, taking a moment to tune the instrument, you admired his long, talented fingers as they took their place on the frets. The din of conversation was silenced when the first low note of Loki’s song echoed through the ballroom. Everyone paused, entranced at the melody weaving its way through the throng of well wishers. Many were surprised, but not you, not entirely. You knew how long Loki had been preparing for this moment. It wasn’t all about making Thor’s day special, although, that was surely part of it. No, he planned to seduce every single person with sound. Giving all of the attendees a taste of what being loved by Loki was like, he hoped The Avengers would see that he was worthy of you in all ways. Mesmerized, the bow danced over the strings, each note perfectly played. It wasn’t hard to picture those shapely digits dancing over your skin in the dark of night. Sending a shiver up your back, you sipped at your champagne, unwilling to take your eyes off of Loki. “I didn’t know he was so talented.” Bucky, stiff in his tuxedo, sidled up to you with Steve in tow. “Me either. Look at those fingers fly!” “Guys… hush.” Shooting a silencing glare their way, you let the music transport you, swaying just a bit at the soothing sound. Too soon, in your opinion, the last lingering note of Loki’s song filled the hall. Rising swiftly, Loki bowed at the applause, then turned to the happy couple. Thor hugged his brother close, while Loki kissed Jane’s hand with a gentlemanly air. Conversations started again, quiet at first, then gaining strength as Loki strode across the room. Snagging a glass of champagne from a passing tray, his eyes trained on you, Loki accepted accolades as he moved ever closer. Another server took his empty glass as Loki finally made his way to you.

Scooping you up, Loki spun you slowly in a circle, your gown snapping behind you in an emerald wave of chiffon and lace. “Loki! Come on, put me down!” “As my lady commands”, when your mouth passed close enough to his own, Loki kissed you as if you had never kissed before. You pushed your hands through his dark locks, a hand on each side of his face, “You were amazing, babe. Just amazing!”

“You really think so?” “Absolutely!” His arm settled on your waist, keeping you tight to his side, as you were handed another glass of bubbly.

Bucky, leaning against Steve, wore a look of wide eyed shock, “Um. Loki… what the fuck are you doing?"

"Agent Barnes, do I really need to explain?"

Mouth dropping open, Bucky gaped, "He’s the guy? Really? You’re telling me Loki is the guy?” “She’s not telling us, Buck… she’s showing us.”

“But Stevie…? Loki? You? You’re the guy who makes her happy? The one who she’s been covering for?” Pressing a chaste kiss to your forehead, just a touch guilty, “I am. And, I’m madly in love with her.” “I’m happy Bucky. Stevie… really. Loki is… he’s my everything. I love him, too.”

As your secret was outed, the group formed a circle around you and Loki. Questions were shouted, congratulations extolled, Loki was clapped on the back more than once. Natasha gave you a wink and the "ok", which was really all the approval you needed.

“So, who won the pool then?”, Clint couldn’t help asking. “Me… and Thor”, the bride stepped right up to Tony with her hand out ready to take the prize money. “No fair! He’s your brother in law now. He probably told you!” Rhodey chimed in, unsatisfied with the final results. Defending her methods, Jane spun in her wedding dress, “No way! I used my powers of scientific deduction. I knew she was head over heels for Loki the night we announced our engagement.” Wondering, you looked at Jane, “You did? How? I mean, I didn't tell anyone. We didn't tell anyone ” “You didn't have to! You two wouldn’t look at each other. Dead give away.” Counting her cash, Jane smiled at you. “That may be true, but I promise you this, Odinson… break her heart and I’ll kill you.” Bucky shook Loki’s hand good naturedly, if a little too long, stopping only when Steve pulled him away. Gazing down at you, adoration evident in his face, Loki husked, “Not to worry, Agent Barnes. She has my heart you see... and I plan to be her guy as long as she’ll have me.”

Tagging my Minxes: @lancsnerd @vodka-and-some-sass @just-random-obsessions @brokenthelovely @lots-of-loki @thefallenbibliophilequote @sammy-jo1977 @queenofmischief @iamverity @iluvsumbucky @unadulteratedwizardlove @wolfsmom1 @procrastinatinglikeabitch @mizfit2 @shxdowofdarkness @nonsensicalobsessions @ahintofkiwistrawberry @jessiejunebug @rorybutnotgilmore @crystalizedcaramel @lokislittlecorner @scrumptious-finicky-illusion @capcapcapsicle @jamielea81 @caffiend-queen @thenatalie @otakumultimuse-hiddlewhore @is-it-madness @jenjen8675309 @alexakeyloveloki @poetic-fiasco

#loki x reader #loki x you #hot loki #Loki Love #MCU fanfiction #mcu writing challenge #loki writing challenge #loki fanfic #loki fanfiction #1000 followers #loki smut

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inkribbon796 · 3 years

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Lost in a Lightning Storm Ch. 2: Far from Home

Summary: You shouldn’t talk about people, and not expect them to find out.

Chapters: 1, 2

While Henrik and Anti were talking to Tubbo and Logan, and then subsequently went off to Nate’s house to do some research, Mare went to go find Anti.

Anti was cackling with the Duke on some rooftop, who had escaped arrest after the chaos he had created. The two chaos-loving criminals were laughing and joking.

“Anti! Your boyfriend is getting too brave, you gotta[1] do something!” Mare said as he leaned over a massive air conditioning unit to get into the glitch’s face. Anti was lying on his back on the rooftop.

“Ooooooohhh~ You have a boyfriend?” Remus gave a huge smile, turning on his stomach and kicking his feet up like they were a bunch of pre-teens at a slumber party. “And you didn’t tell your best friend? For shame.”

“Shut up,” Anti kicked him in the face. Then he turned back to Mare. “I don’t got[2] a boyfriend.”

“Oh, yeah, then what the hell is he?” Mare bit back.

“None ‘a yer fookin’ business,”[3] Anti spat back.

“M’kay,[4] whatever,” Mare rolled his eyes. “Point is, he’s trying to find you.”

“I’m right here, let ‘im[5],” Anti scoffed, still lying on the ground.

“No, the old you, the human one,” Mare warned.

“Why?” Anti spat.

“I don’t know, humans are dumb,” Mare spat. “He’s your problem, you deal with him.”

“Fook[6] you!” Anti spat and stormed off.

Directly after he stormed off, he realized that he hadn’t asked Mare where Henrik was. But it was too late to storm off. Mostly because he overheard Remus trying to weedle information out of Mare. Anti was too in his own head to admit to even himself that he was embarrassed.

So he went out to find Henrik. Except he wasn’t at the hospital . . . and Logan didn’t seem to know where he was. He wasn’t at the hospital either so Anti ran around for a little bit and found them in Nate’s house.

For a couple moments, Anti debated on how upset Mare would be if he barged into his territory. Then he figured that if Mare didn’t want him to trespass, he shouldn’t have told him to take care of Henrik . . . and Anti had been in Nate’s house before on multiple occasions.

So Anti tripped about three alarms to get into the house and Nate and Henrik watched him stroll right into the living room where they were.

“Don’t yeh[7] two know not ta[8] talk about someone behind their back?” Anti layered on the glitching and blood as much as he could.

“You are certainly getting better at zat[9] effect,” Henrik complimented.

“You bleed on my carpet and I will stab you with a soul splitter,” Nate threatened.

Anti pulled out his knife, completely offended that they weren’t screaming in terror.

Nate helped up a stake, the wood was etched with runes and spell writing. “Anti, I don’t want to explain to the rest of your friends why you’re in pieces.”

“Why the fook are yeh diggin’ inta my personal shite?”[10] Anti demanded.

“Because zer is much I do not know about you, und I vish to correct zat,”[11] Henrik told him, Nate was on his computer, still looking through old census records and newspaper reports.

“I’m right the fook[6] here,” Anti spat.

“I cannot recall a time ven ve have ever talked about any’zing,”[12] Henrik told Anti pointedly.

Anti glared at him, his nose scrunched up like the demon was about to pull his lips back in a snarl. “Why, though? No point in lookin’[13] fer[14] a dead man.”

Henrik stood up, really studying Anti’s expression, “If it makes you uncomfortable, I can stop.”

Anti sputtered for a moment, “I don’t care.”

“I am serious Anti, if all zis[15] investigation makes you uncomfortable or vas[16] a traumatic experience, I vill[17] stop.”

A myriad of uncomfortable feelings, that Anti refused to unpack or acknowledge, prickled under his skin and boiled his blood. He absolutely refused to be afraid of some past specter he could barely remember. Anti was better than some human who’s only contribution to the world had been dying so that Anti could be brought into the world.

So instead Anti just scoffed, some derisive, forced laugh, “Whate’er yeh two arses wanna dig up some dead bitch that did me the favor ‘a dyin’, go ahead. Here, I’ll e’en help.”[18]

Henrik watched for any sign that Anti was joking or would destroy Nate’s computer. “If you are certain.”

“Oh yeah,” Anti dismissed. “What did yeh shitebags find?”[19]

“Well,” Nate stalled as he watched Anti walk over, he stayed braced with his stake. “Don’t break my stuff.”

“I won’t,” Anti smiled. “Come on, we got some loser ta[8] find.”

“That “loser” is also a past version of you,” Nate pointedly reminded.

“Watch it, meatbag,” Anti warned. “If he wanted ta[8] stay alive, he shouldn’ta[20] died.”

“Eloquent,” Henrik commented.

“Shut,” Anti hissed back.

“Do you remember your country of origin?” Nate asked. “I’ve got several different deaths from lightning storms and factory accidents from the past 150—”

“I ne’er[21] worked in a factory,” Anti huffed, before mentally stalling because he couldn’t remember how he knew that, just that he did.

“Really?” Nate commented without even blinking. “That helps narrow it down. Means you only could have died from lightning if you’re as old as Mare says you are.”

“Mare needs ta[8] learn ta[8] keep his trap shut,” Anti scoffed.

“You were right there when he told me that, and you didn’t say anything,” Nate reminded.

Anti looked away from him, “I don’t remember this, it didn’t happen.”

“Anyways, do you remember where you came from?” Nate turned back to his computer. “I know the Septics first met you in Ireland, but are you from there too?”

“Been ta a lot ‘a places,”[22] Anti shrugged. “How am I supposed ta[8] know?”

“Well it vould[23] make it easier,” Henrik reminded.

Anti rolled his eyes, “I woke up in Australia. I hitched a ride on several hosts until I got ta[8] Ireland. I don’t know if I died there, my first ten years were a blur.”

“You are Australian?” Henrik was staring at Anti.

“No.” Hunching his shoulders up defensively, Anti glared at the doctor, “Maybe? I can’t remember. What’s it ta[8] yah[7]?”

“No, it’s not a bad thing,” Henrik rushed to say. “I just . . . it is a good thing.”

Nate and Anti just stared at him, neither of them sure which direction to take that comment, but Henrik wasn’t looking Anti in the eyes anymore. He was glancing at Anti though, a lot.

But with a country narrowed down, Nate was able to eliminate several different possible candidates. Until there were five people left, four men and one woman. Mostly because it wasn’t unheard of for gender changes to occur when a human became a demon.

“Okay,” Nate said. “We have: Caleb Carson, Hannah Laverty, Brendan O’Heyne, Angus Collins, and Joe Morrin. Does anyone sound familiar, I don’t see any pictures so . . .”

Anti’s brain felt clouded, like there was something wrong but he couldn’t place it. He felt the urge to stab something and run. Like he was in danger.

“Anti? Are you alright?” Henrik asked, there was a look on Anti’s face that the German doctor hadn’t seen on him before.

Anti’s attention drifted towards one of the names in particular. He had no memories left of that person.

Much of that person was gone now, eroded away by time, but snippets remained. Being arrested for something . . . feeling disgusting inside afterwards . . .

. . . Feeling sick as the boat wouldn’t stop shaking the world around him . . .

. . . The heat of the sun burning his skin, almost hot as the anger that burned inside of him . . .

. . . And then a deafening CRACK as he felt like his body was exploding with pain. And how they’d just . . .

“They left me there,” Anti remembered, his form glitching erratically. “They left my fookin’[24] corpse ta[8] rot!”

“Anti‽” Henrik called out but the two humans watched Anti violently shatter apart in a discorporation.

Nate surged up immediately and took out an amulet necklace. One he had once’s a while ago to safely carry Mare around. But he used his magic to scoop up as much of Anti’s aura as possible to keep him from fracturing.

“Vat[25] happened?” Henrik demanded.

“He must have remembered something,” Nate tried to calm Henrik down as he was casting spells to see how violent the discorporation was, “I don’t think it was a good thing.”

Henrik snatched the necklace away, looking at it. “Vill[17] he be alright?”

“He still seems to be in one piece, but it might take a while for him to reform,” Nate warned.

“I zink ve should stop,”[26] Henrik looked over at Nate’s laptop. “If I had known his reaction vould have been zis violent I vould have stopped ven he confronted us.”[27]

“Yeah,” Nate agreed and watched Henrik put the necklace on. “Be careful with him, an injured demon’s a more dangerous one.”

“I vill[17],” Henrik promised, and gathered up his stuff with a stiff thank you for Nate’s help and the doctor went over to his apartment with the necklace. Anti took a couple of days to reform, but he didn’t talk to Henrik. The demon would escape the necklace and then slip back in whenever Henrik was distracted or busy.

After almost a week since the incident at Nate’s house, Henrik decided that, if Anti wasn’t going to talk to him, Henrik would talk to Anti. He started out small, complaining about the coffee machine at the hospital, about how muggy the weather was.

Then, one night, while Henrik was sitting on his couch, watching some TV show, or at least had it on in the background while he was staring down at the necklace in his hands, the doctor decided to be a bit more blunt. He watched the gem, saw almost like glitchy lightning crackling underneath the surface. “I must admit, part of ze[28] reason I went digging vas[16] to get a reaction out of you.”

There was a pause to the energy in the necklace. But after a bit the glitched lightning continued as if nothing had happened.

“If you do not vant to talk about zis matter, I vill not force you,”[29] Henrik told him. “But I had hoped to get a violent reaction out of you, not to actually harm you. For zat[9] I am sorry.”

Anti’s aura shot out of the necklace was just staring at Henrik. “Why was that what yeh were goin’ fer?”[30]

“You have tried to kill me und[31] my friends many times, und[31] I vanted[32] to get you to attack me,” Henrik admitted.

“Why?” Anti scoffed, plopping down on Henrik’s couch. “If I wanted yeh[7] dead, I would’a[33] done it already.”

He took glared at him. “Zat[9] is exactly the problem, you have zis[15] odd stalking infatuation but you have tried to kill me in the past. Not to mention you utterly ruined Average’s marriage und[31] his ability to visit his children.”

“The fooker was gettin’ cucked an’ e’eryone knew it,”[34] Anti dismissed.

“She vas doin’ no’zing of ze sort,”[35] Henrik defended heatedly.

Anti looked away angrily.

The two sat in angry silence for a little while, before Henrik sighed, taking off his glasses to massage the bridge of his nose before carefully putting them back on. “Anti, vat do you vant out of zese interactions ve have?”[36]

The glitch demon decided he would rather talk about literally anything else, but his only other option was talking about his former human life and he wasn’t sure which made him look worse. “I like it when yeh[7] get angry at me.”

“Is it simply ze[28] anger or ze[28] attention?” Henrik asked, genuinely trying to understand.

Anti still wasn’t looking at him, deciding that he’d rather take the human talk. “My name used ta[8] be somethin’[37] else.”

“Vich[38] do you prefer?” Henrik asked.

“Anti,” Anti told him hesitantly.

“Zen[39] you are Anti,” Henrik agreed. “As you said, zat[9] man is dead, und[31] you are here.”

Something in Anti’s chest tightened, he didn’t like it. He didn’t like even the reminder that he was human. But he started leaning over towards Henrik. It was just a little bit of a lean, not enough to even get near Henrik. So the doctor closed the distance for him, lightly resting his shoulder against Anti’s.

“I zink zat you like the attention, vich I am more zen happy to give to you,”[40] Henrik smiled at him as Anti still refused to hold eye contact with him. “Und ven you know vat you vant, you can tell me in your own time.”[41]

For the rest of the night the two of them sat in almost near silence. Anti wasn’t ready to admit anything, but still tantalizingly close all the same. Anti getting closer and close to Henrik until the doctor was pressed up against the side of the couch and Anti was leaning against him. Anti sat next to Henrik as the doctor just ran his fingers through his hair. Anymore and Anti would have started hissing and pulling away. But as he leaned into the touch the glitch decided that he liked this attention.

Henrik occasionally looked over at Anti, smiling at him.

And if, as he scratched his fingers across his scalp, heard him give out very quiet purring sounds, the doctor decided not to tease the glitch demon about them . . . at least not yet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Post A/N: Anti in his AU used to be a man by the name of Angus (Jack’s “survivalist” character he made super early in his channel and in this AU Angus was arrested and sent to Australia where he subsequently died from a freak lightning storm, and then cue villain arc.

Side note: Henrik likes Anti’s Australian accent, he likes it a lot! No I will not back down from this extremely unpopular headcanon.

Accessibility Translations:

1. have to

2. have

3. None of your fucking business

4. Okay

5. him

6. Fuck

7. you

8. to

9. that

10. Why the fuck are you digging into my personal shit?

11. Because there is much I don’t know about you, and I wish to correct that

12. I can’t recall a time when we have ever talked about anything

13. looking

14. for

15. this

16. was

17. will

18. Whatever you two assholes want to dig up some dead bitch that did me the favor of dying, go ahead. Here, I’ll even help.

19. What did you shitbags find?

20. shouldn’t have

21. never

22. I’ve been to a lot of places

23. would

24. fucking

25. What

26. I think we should stop

27. If I had known his reaction would have been this violent I would have stopped when he confronted us.

28. the

29. If you do not want to talk about this matter, I will not force you

30. Why was that what you were going for?

31. and

32. wanted

33. would have

34. The fucker was getting cucked and everyone knew it

35. She was doing nothing of the sort

36. Anti, what do you want out of these interactions we have?

37: something

38. which

39. then

40. I think that you like the attention, which I am more then happy to give to you

41. And when you know what you want, you can tell me in your own time.

#Superhero AU #Masks and Maladies #birthday post #footnotes #henrik von schneeplestein #antisepticeye #Nathan Sharp #Antistein #Doctor Glitch #Anti trying desperately to run away from his emotions #finally some relationship progress #Anti's just a scraggly alley cat that doesn't know how to get a home #Anti has feels #angst and feels

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crimsonandcloverwrites · 3 years

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bhah ch8 reread as fast as i can before ch11 arrives help

aww Dani nervous for Jamie’s big race is so cute

i love Dani’s whole photography thing n her wanting to document their lives it’s so sweet

i’m suddenly stuck on the whole blue as a theme thing n now I’m noticing it everywhere/remembering their tent was blue and now their school colours are blue and Dani’s car is blue and I think Jamie’s house is blue. and of course THE SCRUNCHIE

god I love track star Jamie

flip these two are cute together

‘a favour for good luck’ god idk why this gets me so much I think like... Dani giving her this little piece of herself is so wholesome but weirdly loaded i just love it

the carson eddie banter is so funny sdkdhfgj

Dani is such a lil ball of emotions I’m obsessed w her feeling a million things while she watches Jamie

she’s a winner baby!!

also love that this is her setting the record that was mentioned in the prev chapter we love lil details being followed through

Jamie going straight for Dani when she won god that’s so cute

aw Jamie gets a kiss (and a whole gay crisis lol) for her win how sweet

oh no the beginnings of Dani and Eddie

pls this is so soft Carson and Judy so proud of Jamie

I just ate so many carbs I am finally properly fueled for this reading sprint (solidarity w Jamie)

aw Nan quietly proud of her

fkjdfh Dani and Jamie playing footsies at the table

god Nan n Jamie are such a force together truly terrifying to be stuck in the middle of I’m sure. Also fuuuck cld u imagine grown up Jamie and Nan interacting and Jamie in particular being a bit more chilled out and them getting along a lot better but finding their way back to silly little bickering arguments that are really just them knowing they can do that w each other and still be ok at the end of the day bc they love each other ouch it hurts to think about :(

lmao Jamie losing her mind at the sight of Dani in a towel lol I can just imagine her having the same reaction when they’re together too

oooh is the watch from Jamie’s great uncle (? Nan’s brother that she was named for right?) that’s so cool

ugh I want Dani to get her travel adventures so bad

god everytime Dani touches Jamie or says something really sweet or just gives her a look Jamie is suffering so bad

THE MIXTAPE (LITTLE BLUE DUDE SCREAMING AT THE SKY.MEME)

oh god they’re really just gonna curl up in Jamie’s bed and listen to this declaration of love mixtape while Jamie plays with Dani’s hair hold on a minute wait a second

oh no the eddie of it all

aw he brought her flowers (like I am not here for their relationship overall but he does do some sweet things sometimes and he does clearly care abt her)

ugh of course Jamie helped pick them out tho this whole situation is so complicated

god I’m so sad for both of them that their relationship ended up like this. Dani loses that friendship she cherishes so much when it becomes something else she never wanted and Eddie is in love w a girl who will never love him back that way. it really is heartbreaking

oh god the house party time for chaos

Jamie my beloved. sdkjfhsdkjfh and Roger trying to put the moves on her pls this will never stop being funny to me

ugh Dani already feeling so trapped in this life I hate it I hate it

Jamie fiddling w the coin necklace while she watches Dani n Eddie together feels like... she knows she’s losing Dani on some level ouch my heart

is this when Jamie was telling Ed of for letting Dani get drunk wdjkfhdj always the protector aw

she’s still wearing Dani’s scrunchie oh my god. u may have her hand ed but u will never have her hair ties

Dani’s dress MORE BLUE

this is such an interesting event w them like they’re best friends and they’re together so much but they avoid each other for half the party it’s so like... indicative I guess of things changing between them hmmmm

cursed spin the bottle. poor Dani

the zippo lighter. i love seeing things from the box in these chapters. like a gay scavenger hunt

the inadvertent cigarette kiss oh my god. also a little bit like... Jamie just leaning into the pain huh??? I get to put my lips where her lips were but it’s around this thing that has the potential to kill me. god the implications

a little fireside cuddling w ur soulmate ur never gonna kiss how romantic

the sandalwood. I fuckin love that she held onto this scent after Dani told her she smells nice one time. gays really do be like that huh

god this really is the softest moment

christ that almost kiss is so intense how did they just carry on as normal after that I would have died

lol “did i interrupt something?” bro........

dsfkjhdkj Jamie GROWLING at him hahhahahahhaha

oof Dani just wants more of her. I love there was the mention of her carefully constructed walls crumbling and now she’s just like... in this little bubble of almost with her n trying so hard to hold onto that in any way she can

and now she’s back w eddie ouch I hate watching the things she wants slipping out of her grasp

lmao Eddie not putting his arm around Dani when Jamie is there. she really put the fear of god in him I love this angry little lesbian so much

poor Carson being dragged to sports games like “no I’m gay I can’t”

lmao the pair of them trying to be sneaky smoking around the corner (and also having more Moments god the tension of it all)

oooh this Orpheus and Eurydice ref spicy (also fuck this was the beginning of her actually losing Jamie huh god the storytelling... *chef’s kiss*)

oh no Nan :(

god Karen is so awful how could u just break the news to your kid like that

it’s only pain hours from here on out huh

poor Jamie god my heart breaks

something about Dani saying she’s sorry and Jamie just saying she has to go put Mikey to bed fucking breaks me. the fact she’s just lost everything, her home and the stability she was missing from her childhood that she got to have for such a short time, and she can probably barely even process it but all she knows is she has to take care of Mikey. fuck

god her destroying her bike because she’s just so devestated but anger and destruction is easier to feel than being sad.... ouch

“You don’t - you don’t have to feel anything right now. I’ll feel it for you. For the both of us” how dare u make me cry like this

god Jamie giving the scrunchie back feels like such a fucking sad little acknowledgement of her deciding she has to do everything on her own noooo

Dani trying to confront her mom god this is all so much for them to be dealing with I am so sad

tiny mikey saying “want nana” so much pain

Jamie just clinging to Dani when they’re sitting in the pew bc it’s the only way she can ask for help right now ow

“Don’t fight me” my fcking heart this chapter is so sad I need a drink

Jamie is far too young to be self-medicating her way through this god this hurts to read.

this chapter has such a melancholic loss of innocence vibe like going from the teenage parties and boys and track meets and only really having to worry about themselves to this massive amount of responsibility on their shoulders when nan dies (like as much as Jamie tries to push her away Dani takes on a huge burden in trying to help her too) it’s so fucking saaaad

Jamie just breaking and finally crying all this out in Dani’s arms holyyyy shit that will never not break my heart

god Jamie just. determined to raise Mikey on her own cause god knows what the alternative is :(

oof the thread of Jamie determined to fix things. baby sometimes u just cant.

Dani trying so hard to hold things together in the ways that she can :*(

god this ending I am in pain. i know it’s ultimately for the best like Jamie and Mikey absolutely could not carry on like that but.... bro... bro..... ouch

ok gonna go cry in the shower for a bit n then i’ll be back for ch9

#bhah #this really was the highest of highs and the lowest of lows #trying to speed read that might have been a mistake

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tbhwhocaresanymore · 4 years

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Nancy Drew 2x3

Oh my god you guys Hannah Gruen has a backstory that’s so much cooler than I dared to imagine

I enjoyed this episode, so much. My brother who normally lets me rattle off all my theories even tried to watch it with me, but then the Aglaeca jump scare happened halfway through and we both screamed and he dipped 😂. And omg at the end of the episode, when Ryan Carson and Nancy all came together to bury Lucy’s body? Tears. Actual tears, on my face. I adored that whole scene. Nancy coming to her dad, them being on the same wavelength about inviting Ryan, the LS engraved on the tree. Though was I disappointed we did not see Lucy herself behind them watching? OF COURSE

Also, book Easter egg for those of you who didn’t know. In Nancy Drew #10 The Password to Larkspur Lane, a messenger pigeon (yes really) accidentally goes to Nancy’s address, and long story short she ends up foiling a group of criminals who abduct elderly people and force them to sign over all their money. Along the way, one of the places the mystery leads her? SYLVAN LAKE.

What’s that? Why yes I was thoroughly obsessed with the books as a child, thank you so much for noticing.

Moving on

I was so on board with like 99% of this episode, my one thing was when George and Nick had sex in the truck. My problem was not that they had sex, it was George being all “the Aglaeca doesn’t get to ruin everything, we’re reclaiming your truck” like GIRL. You are fated to DROWN in that truck in TWO DAYS. WHY YOU TEMPTING FATE LIKE THIS?

And am I the only one wondering when tf Bess had time to do all that Aglaeca research? Like you listened to the record last night and came into work this morning, how exactly did you have the time to find “dozens of cases throughout time” where people gave back the things they asked for and got their curses reversed? And speaking of: why would the Aglaeca take the bones back only to dump them in the Claw? RUDE. They probably had to spend at least an hour cleaning all that up.

Hey have I mentioned how much I adore Ace and his dad? It’s so weird though, cause Ace is always like “all my dad and I do is fight” and “my house is a war zone” when we’ve never even met his mom, and his dad is nothing but a sweetheart? Like Ace you and your dad don’t fight you argue. You want to see a family fight? Come stay at my house for a weekend, I guarantee you’ll see at least half a dozen.

I said it last week I will SAY IT AGAIN. HOW does Carson not know about any of the spn stuff happening around town and more importantly to his daughter??? He literally assisted in an spn comatose/spirit finding ritual with the chief of police and was just like “aight” and MOVED ON. Like BRUH.

Ryan brought a pink rose to Lucy’s grave. My heart 😭💔.

Side note: has Lisbeth just dropped off the face of the earth? Like Bess is going to die in two days, shouldn’t she be spending at least a little of the time she has left with her girlfriend? Ace (and kind of George and Nick) is like the only one acknowledging he might die soon, making sure to spend Shabbat with his dad. They should at least be writing their loved one’s letters or something I feel, but NOTHING.

Last but not least, is it just me or did AJ trying to murder Hannah low key come out of nowhere? In 44 years, he never thought of it before Nancy suggested it? As soon as she said it he told her it wasn’t an option for him, and then like THIRTY MINUTES LATER he breaks out of jail to go set her on fire. Did he simply change his mind? Side note but straight up can you imagine for a minute, if like, Stephen King writes his best ever book about a guy like falling into a wind turbine and then Stephen King himself dies by falling into a wind turbine a few months later? Because that’s the equivalent to AJ Krane dying. I would lose my mind if I got that news alert.

So, here we are, only two episodes to go until the planned season finale. Are you guys freaking out? I’m fucking freaking out. I feel like at any moment the CW studios will catch on fire as fate’s way of preventing me from having a satisfying tv show. Until that happens, looks like next week’s episode is going to be absolutely terrifying, as it should be. Would be nice if the promo told us anything about the plot though. Like “oh, Nancy and Bess are in a basement, and some ghost lady walks into a wall.” ??? Really? That’s the best you could do? At least I’m certain it will be well-written if nothing else.

So see you Wednesday 2/10 for The Fate of the Buried Treasure. Who wants to bet my beloved daughter Dead Lucy will be conspicuously absent yet again? Anyone?

One last thing I was expecting no Drewson content but it still hurt not to get any byyyeee

#Nancy Drew #Nancy Drew cw #George Fan #Bess Marvin #Ned Nick Nickerson #Ned Nickerson #Ace #Hannah Gruen #Ryan Hudson #Carson Drew #Dead Lucy #Lucy Sable

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startwithbrooklyn · 3 years

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THE GREAT ND REWATCH OF 2021 / OCTOBER 4, 2019 // the party

again w the first 2 minutes of the next episode to keep the dates 🙏🏻

"if only i could get myself a new father, too" WELL SWEETIE! here ya go! 😅 ("you already have a barbie dad at home" "thats a fake dad, i want a real dad")

-"ohhhhhhh" charlie 😂

-"someone needs a spin on the chore wheel" - i honestly cant see victoria doing the chore wheel. it definitely sounds like a george thing. what if george went to parenting classes with victoria drunk/asleep taking the notes to help raise her sisters

-"with the exception of one vandal" i was SO CONFUSED by this statement for ages but i finally figured it out 😅

-"kate would have been happy to see it" oh nick. if only you knew her truth

-ace surrounded by all these romantic interruptions lmaoooo

-"hi bessie!!" 😍😭💙

-"need any help?" i get that this quote is to show how george has parenting well in hand but this also reminds me of when george went to the beach in ep 2 to help the crew w the morgue and then overheard nancy and nick talking and left

-"with everything that's happened" so does owen know?

-"my closest relative is not my blood relative" i get that shes had like. 12 hours to process this but this statement acknowledges a relationship for nancy and carson not based on blood which is very against what nancy said/felt previously and throughout

-"yours is like a moped with a roof" in ep 3 ryan mocks carson's "dad car" but in the end ryan's the one with the dad car 🙂

-BESS 😂😭🙈 and "lets hope the agleaca doesnt feed off of negative energy" it kinda does tho!

-what was ace decrypting for owen? paperwork diana is going through from the next ep? (similar stuff to tiffany's flashdrive? how did she get thet stuff btw? and when were she and ryan married? how long has she been digging up skulls?)

-ryan omgggggg i hate how his kid has to take control of the situation bc he cant handle adult interaction appropriately (and "i'm sorry for your loss" im sure ryan is sick of that phrase by now) ryan + women/losses v gains : losing lucy, tiffany, george, potentially his mom (disappointed d/t everett) and gaining nancy (and regaining lucy via)

-"do you think you would have tried to-" i really wonder what she was gonna say here. i guarantee it was gonna be some version of "ask for help" as in "do you think you would have tried to get some other adults involved or ask for opinions from a social worker or something" and enter carson & kate. i guarantee she was trying to envision a situation in which ryan had her but carson and kate featured anyway

-ryan vs carson -->nancy<-- ryan vs owen : asking ryan to help save carson (ace/poisoner) / wondering if owen dies here / would ryan have saved carson in that ep if he knew they had taken nancy or would he have treated him like owen and let him die? (also, ryan is weirdly prophetic about owen's death here)

-"what the hell is wrong with you?" ryan to everett and "what is WRONG with you?" nancy to ryan

-"don't blame genetics. because people make choices."

-she seems SO shocked that ryan would actually leave her there after she screamed at him lmaoooo like sis the entitlement

-"i dont even understand some of the words you're using" CARSON 😂

-DIANA damn bc of a wedding speech?? i fuckin love her tho and her actress too soooo classy

-owen: -sees nancy- -immediately dumps other people to go to her- // shades of blue again! (+he wants to introduce her to the family 😭)

-okay but babies DO look alike

-"and are they haunted by lucy sable?" **

-"what if you hadn't needed me?" parallels how nancy wasn't going to be told either- ryan and nancy are equals in their haunting in ways that carson was unequal to nancy in grief. *this and the previous statement i will explain de jure at the end of tomorrows ep to recap the whole season

-"that's the first time i've believed you actually cared about something" vs "finally. a straight answer"

-"are you alright?" she finally doesnt lie

-ryan and carson sizing each other up lmaooo and ace with the save as always

-"they're not my friends" vs "i need you to save my friends"

-nancy's pain during ritual echoes lucy's birth giving (pain & noises) but nancy is with ryan this time while lucy had to go through it alone

-how many fucking times does bess put her foot in her mouth??

•"murderer on the loose" in front of nick

•bess in george's office with ryan

•"you slept with my cousin!" in front of nick

•"george slept with nancys dad" to george

which is honestly contrasted with george, who makes the succinct observations: "you mean do it for you?" "oh, so this is a thing" "you mean rehab?" but george also outs peoples secrets like nancys mom dying and bess's van living to nick (only to nick tho lmaooo 👀🤔)

-so all these portents are things that happened to odette? hair shorn, bound and choked with rope, drowning in water with crabs and maggots crawling all over her, occasional fish hooks getting caught in her as she sinks (+dead in the water being so appropriate here, sadly)

~~~~~

-"i trusted you to be kind but look what it cost me"

and lastly:

-again with the truth telling and the straight up rejection! thats 0/2 lisbeth and john sander cancelling the supernatural

#brooklyn's ND primer #nancy drew cw #the Great Rewatch of 2021 #you best start believing in ghost stories moss drew - you're in one

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unexpectedreylo · 5 years

Text

Booki-Leaks: The Good, Bad, and Ugh of the TROS Novelization Thus Far

I’m putting this below a cut so no one complains I’m giving out spoilers though we’ve all seen the movie by this point.

In case you’ve just tuned in, the TROS novelization is being sold a couple of weeks early as a con exclusive at this weekend’s C2E2 convention in Chicago. I am not in the Windy City so I don’t have the book (it comes out on St. Paddy’s Day) but I have read spoiler posts and seen screenshots on Twitter.

I think any expectations that Rae Carson was going to “fix” TROS were completely unrealistic. It’s not her job or the job of anyone else writing a movie novelization to do that. She had to work within the parameters she was given and she should not be used as a punching bag by those who are still dealing with the directions the film took.

In non-Reylo spoilers, Carson does one thing the film didn’t bother to do and that is explain why Palpatine is sitting there on Exegol in the first place. It is a clone body and one in pretty bad shape. This is kind of a knockoff of the early ‘90s comic “Dark Empire,” where Palps had been surviving off of clone bodies but wanted to turn Luke to the dark side and then decided he’d like a new model in the form of Leia’s baby son Anakin.

What Reylos really care about though is how their scenes on Exegol are handled. And for me, it’s a mixed bag.

The Good--For the most part, I liked the passages describing Rey knowing Ben was there on Exegol and handing him off the lightsaber through the bond. It was a nice acknowledgement of the dyad, how it felt to the both of them, and Palpatine miscalculating the power in bringing the two of them together.

As for the passages after Palpatine is taken out, I can buy that Ben is still struggling with guilt and remorse. He gives everything to Rey and he expects nothing in return so the smile she gives him and her kiss mean everything to him.

At least here Rey feels something for losing Ben, which was not addressed at all in the film.

The best part is that Ben reassures her he’ll always be with her and he does not appear as a Force Ghost at the end. This means he is still a living consciousness somewhere and all of those theories we’ve had about him in some other netherworld, ready to make a comeback, still hold.

The Bad--How many times do we need to beat into the Lucasfilm story group and those working on these films that the Iconic Blue Lightsaber That Keeps Reappearing is Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber, NOT Luke’s? Luke’s lightsaber is the green one he made in ROTJ.

Rae, Rae, Rae, why on Exegol did you use “gratitude” to describe the kiss? Why? Whyyyyyy??!! I’m sure Rey’s totally grateful not to be dead after all thanks to Ben’s selflessness, but we all know where the B and C students are going to run with this. “Rey didn’t kiss him because she loved him! She kissed him to say thank you! Plus that’s her brother!” The rest of it about finding connection and celebrating finding each other’s nice but the B and C students won’t get that far in the sentence.

The UGGGGHHH--Lucasfilm, why are you allergic to the word “love” now? The interactions between Rey and Ben seem romantic but the prose doesn’t quite commit either. Ben’s dying and he can’t even tell her telepathically how he feels? He does think though that giving Rey “back to the galaxy” was his mitzvah for the day. *Eyeroll.*

The problem is even bigger on Rey’s end. The kiss is from Ben’s perspective, so we don’t know how she feels until after he dies. Then the perspective switches to her and initially she feels the pain of being torn away from her dyad, which while it makes us feel bad (again), is at least an honest way to depict a bond as powerful as theirs. It should hurt to lose him.

But here’s where they lose me. Rey thinking through her feelings separates Kylo and Ben into two entities, one she would “never mourn” and the other she laments “not getting to know.” Kylo Ren and Ben Solo are the same man. One is a shadow persona that Ben allowed to dominate, that he wore like a...mask. The other is the true personality with the integrated shadow. Rey reached out to Kylo Ren out of empathy and compassion and he returned those things to her. Ben was the man she wanted to be with but the films’ subtext shows she was drawn to him even in Kylo mode. If Rey would never mourn Kylo, she would’ve killed him on the Supremacy or just let him die on Kef Bir. It just seems like something to placate the antis and blue checkmark pop feminists. It also doesn’t make sense that Rey mourns not getting to know Ben better. She’s been in his damn head! He’s the other half of her soul! What is there left to know? Again the B and C students are going to point out Rey couldn't possibly have loved Kylo/Ben because one she hated (would never mourn) and the other she didn’t know very well at all. Plus she never says it or thinks it. UGGHHH.

The worst though is how quickly Rubber Band Girl moves on. Not as criminally bad as in the movie but once Ben reassures her he’ll always be with her, she says “no one is ever truly gone,” smiles and goes on her merry way. I see what Carson tried to do, to ameliorate the damage but it’s still damage.

Triple UGGGHHH.

On the brighter side, this saves me $25.

#reylo #tros novelization #tros complaining #tros negativity #but I say a few nice things about the book

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mrslackles · 4 years

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"TLDR: If you don’t know the emotional burden the POC behind the scenes are carrying then don’t use them as a defence just because you like the end product." holy shit. fuck yes. i apologize in advance if this gets long & rambling. it is super offensive to use the race/presumed race as a shield. i've seen stand use it with the writers' room, the actors, & themselves. so, one at a time. (1)

(2) The writers: like you said, maybe some just don’t have the emotional energy or desire to be the “race monitor” for every conversation (AND THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE!). Getting staffed in a room is hard enough and I can easily see the desire – because I’ve had it too in work & personal settings - to not get labeled as the troublemaker who is always bringing race into it. I mean, shit, we see it happening in the fandom and none of us are getting paid for this (although some seem like it).

Exactly! It’s so hard to even get in the door. Being the ‘race monitor’ is so utterly exhausting and it shouldn’t be an expected duty from POC.

(3) I will say that I bet the Good Girls writing room is probably 85% better than most other rooms, which is faint praise if you’ve read any thing about the industry. I just can’t believe JB left Shondaland without learning anything. Quick tangent: I’m not a fan of Shonda Rhimes’ creative output. Watched a few episodes here & there; maybe even the entire first of GA. They are too DRAMATIC! for my tastes. But I’m a HUGE fan of SR and what she’s accomplished.

Same! I’ve only properly watched two of her shows: How to Get Away with Murder, when it was still good, and The Catch (which I’m still mad got cancelled!). But I’m astonished by what she’s accomplished, it’s super impressive. I’m also not sure how Jenna seemingly came away with very few lessons about intersectionality, though. (I think Laurel on HTGAWM probably got more about her culture included in the first episode than Rio has in nearly three seasons.)

(4) (although an interesting though experiment is would all that have happened if she hadn’t hooked up with Betsy Beers?) And one thing I remember reading from SR that stuck with me b/c it is a fact of life but not often articulated is that when she would read scripts the only times a character’s race was indicated was when the character wasn’t white. so, white is the default. the presumed. the normal. I love that she said that because that’s the kind of subtle racism that is so insidious.

I didn’t know about Betsy Beers! That is actually really interesting.

And, yes. White is the default. That’s what I really loved about @septiembur‘s response as well – so little thought goes into making the Latinx characters real people, which really shows in the naming and the way they haven’t let Rio step into his identity.

I also think she made a really good point that the friendship between the girls is something else to be investigated. I’ve always felt, but especially in 2x08 it was hard to ignore, that there isn’t much acknowledgement of how the world treats Ruby differently than her two best friends, and I can’t help wondering if that’s as a result of that default treatment – these characters get cast as POC, but not written as such. Because every POC knows that having white friends is a Whole Thing.

(5) that’s the kind of racism that says “i can’t be racist, i have black friends.” ok. point 2 - the actors. as at @septiembur mentioned, Retta & Reno have both spoken about pushing back on things. they also mentioned that the “La Di Da Di” sequence came about because they were just doing it for fun around set and someone took a video and sent to JB and they wrote it in. Manny has been super vocal about the struggles of MOC in the industry and his own in particular.

I know. Every time people say “Manny must be fine with…” or “Manny hasn’t said anything against…” I’m so confused because he’s said so much more than I would ever expect someone in his position to say. Not directly about the show, but like you say, he’s been vocal about his struggles in the industry, and it’s very easy to see how that plays out on this show as well. Nobody can speak for him or know how he feels, but he’s been clear on certain issues and those issues crop up here too.

(6) he’s constantly saying he never knows how tough or charming to play the character and that means he’s not getting any guidance from what’s written. also in the Angie Martinez interview, he mentions director & writers telling him to play tougher (while making a growl noise), which is basically like in community when they try to tell Shirley to be sassier. it’s hella coded language and poc deal with it all the time.

Oh, for SURE. I’m not Latinx, black or even American and I immediately knew what he meant.

(7) point 3 - the fans. woo boy, this is the stickiest one. I’ve seen stans say “I’m latinx and it didn’t bother me.” great. not all poc have the same reactions. also, we live in a white heteronormative patriarchy and that affects us all. it’s why so much of social justice is UNlearning. also, may I present stacey dash & ben carson. and the over 50% of white women who voted to uphold the grossest form of white heteronormative patriarchy in 2016, especially important as that was the catalyst for the show’s creation.

(8) and maybe i’m being uncharitable, but some of those stans are the same ones that have zero problem calling other female fans misogynists. so, at best, they understand that having an identity of an oppressed class does not automatically make you immune to participating in that oppression. at worst, they throw that term around and then use their racial identity as armor. Damn, ok, hope some of that made sense.

I also find certain stans to be the sticking point, tbh. It’s one thing to have a problematic show. It’s a different one altogether to have a fanbase that not only defends that show with its lives, but also attacks anyone who dares speak up against it.

“some of those stans are the same ones that have zero problem calling other female fans misogynists. so, at best, they understand that having an identity of an oppressed class does not automatically make you immune to participating in that oppression. at worst, they throw that term around and then use their racial identity as armor.” 🔥🔥🔥

Dang, Anon, you did not come to PLAY!

#Anonymous #NBC Good Girls #Manny Montana #these are all really interesting points #and so informative #thank you for taking the time #and for sharing it with me!

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hannah-writes · 5 years

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“Breathe.” for Malex?

Sorry this took me a while! I’m not even a hundred percent sure what this is. So. Apologies? It’s set post 1x13.

I hope you like it, @seeaddywrite!

The first time he finds out that Maria and Michael are making it work, Alex feels his chest tightening, a surge of white-hot pain and disappointment rippling through him, tugging deep in his stomach. The blood pounds in his ears and he thinks about the hours he spent sitting at Michael’s airstream, just waiting for him to come home so they could talk, like Michael had promised they would. Like Alex had promised.

He’s in the Crashdown when he figures it out because Liz’s expression shifts like she’s hiding something and she tells him I didn’t want to be the one to let you know and there’s guilt written all over her face. It’s like when she looks at him, she can see that she’s made the wrong decision in even remotely encouraging Maria to go after what she wants, that maybe this was the wrong thing to do. Maybe she was supposed to have said that you can’t control who you fall for but you can control how you handle those feelings.

He grips his milkshake and grits his teeth, forcing a breath in through lungs that don’t want to cooperate, forcing his spinning mind to calm and still and he thinks about Doctor Carson and her soothing voice as she tells him when it gets too much, Alex, just breathe. One deep breath in and one deep breath out. You control your emotions. You control your memories. You decide when you think about them.

He ignores Liz’s apologies and closes his eyes.

He breathes. He makes himself breathe.

ii.

“Manes,” Michael says as Alex climbs out of his truck. His feet are uneven on the ground, he has a new prosthetic that he’s trying to wear in and the socket’s a little too loose to account for swelling. Pain radiates up his thigh and along his hips but it’s nothing he hasn’t felt before. It’s nothing compared to the way his breath’s stolen at the knowledge that now he doesn’t even get a first name from Michael.

They haven’t seen each other in a while, Alex passed him in the Pony once or twice and Michael didn’t acknowledge him much. He isn’t sure if that’s because he read the note Alex left behind for him or if it’s because he didn’t. But Alex is tired of secrets and he’s tired of lies and he’s tired of not saying what he wants to say.

“Guerin,” is what comes out of his mouth when he wanted to say Michael. He reaches back into the car and it’s the moment he needs to look away from where Michael’s eyes are boring holes into his very being (I never look away, not really) has become something they share between them, Alex never wanted to look away either but now Michael’s too much for him. Sitting in a beaten up garden chair with a beer resting on his thigh, looking for all the world like he doesn’t give a shit about anything.

When he emerges he feels a little better. It’s fifteen seconds for him to grab his bag but it’s fifteen seconds more than he would have had to pull his shit together if he’d just walked straight over. He looks at Michael again and that vice is back around his chest.

One breath in, one breath out. Just breathe, Manes.

“To what do I owe the pleasure, Private?” Michael’s voice drawls over the wrong rank, he knows it makes the hair on Alex’s arms stand on end and Alex can hear the careful distance in Michael’s tone. He hates that his body reacts to Michael’s mocking with warmth and heat and want.

“I’m not the one that’s been avoiding me,” Alex points out. Michael’s barely looked in his direction since he decided to try and make things work with Maria and Alex pretends it doesn’t hurt even though it does.

Alex knows he hit something on the head there because Michael’s expression shifts ever so slightly. He sees him move on the chair, fingers tighten around his beer (and it’s true, as Alex looks at Michael’s hand he can see the lack of scarring, the straightened fingers, it’s healed and the last physical mark of what the Manes family has done to Michael really is gone).

“You didn’t answer my question, Alex.”

Alex lifts his eyes from Michael’s hand. Nods his head. Clenches his teeth and walks closer, ignoring the burning in his thigh. He doesn’t fall into the seat on the other side of the fire pit, instead, he takes another breath and pulls his bag open, pulling out the pink, iridescent shard.

“I have something that belongs to you.”

iii.

Alex thinks he’ll reach out with his powers to take the shard but he doesn’t. He gets to his feet, walks towards Alex and his hand’s lifted like he’s trying to keep Alex still, trying to stop him from running away. Alex couldn’t run right now, even if he wanted to. He wants to. He doesn’t want Michael to get into his space when he can’t have him. When he isn’t supposed to reach out and touch him. When he breathes in and all he can smell is Michael’s cologne and sweat and grease. When he breathes in and it smells more like home than anything Alex has ever known.

Michael stops within an inch of their feet touching and Alex holds his breath. He tenses his shoulders and his core. Tells himself not to sway forward into Michael’s orbit like the helpless fucking satellite that he is. He can feel the way Michael’s eyes sweep over him and then his eyebrow lifts. The curl that perpetually hangs above his right eye bounces with the tilt of Michael’s head and Alex’s hands physically hurt with the need to push it aside, to bury his fingers deep in that hair and tug Michael to him and fuse their souls together.

“Jacket looks good,” Michael says and Alex has to look down at his sleeve to remember that he’s in the leather jacket again today. He likes it, it feels comfortable and heavy enough that on days when the world is too much he can sink into the weight and feel the pressure over his shoulders like the hug he really needs.

“Thanks.” Alex manages roughly and doesn’t look back up again. The shard’s in his hand but Michael hasn’t seemed to pay it any mind. Alex can feel the weight of Michael’s gaze on him and he swallows, pushing the shard into the space between their bodies and he ignores the way his whole skin burns when Michael’s fingers trail up to take hold of it, carving a path over Alex’s exposed wrist with the flames of his touch.

“Where’d you find this?”

“Jim Valenti’s cabin. He has- uh, he has a hidden underground bunker.”

Michael lets out a laugh. “Any dead bodies in there?”

Alex’s lips curl up in spite of himself. He thinks about looking at Kyle and saying literal skeletons and wonders how it’s fair that they’re still in synch when they’re anything but. Alex finally clawed himself up to be on Michael’s page but Michael had ended the chapter and moved on.

“No, just more secrets.”

He pushes the piece against Michael’s chest, uses it as a moment to break himself away from Michael so that he doesn’t lean in. It’s a barrier and it works perfectly and he takes a step backwards. Subtly sucks air into his lungs - one deep breath in one deep breath out - to force the words out of his mouth.

“I can’t be the one that keeps you here.”

He starts moving but Michael’s fingers lock around his wrist, tugging him gently to a halt.

“You can’t say shit like that and then just leave, Alex,” Michael says and Alex presses his lips together.

Alex gently tugs his hand out from Michael’s grasp and feels the cold penetrating his soul.

“I think that’s the last piece you needed,” is what he says as he turns and walks away again. He hears Michael scoffing and he thinks about Maria and how she’s better for him than Alex could ever be. And how he wants Michael to be happy even if that isn’t with him.

iv.

“I’m sorry.” It’s not the words he’s expecting to hear and the voice that’s saying them isn’t one he expects to hear either. Maria comes out from around the side of the cabin, twisting her ring around her middle finger and looking uncomfortable. Her hair’s back in a messy bun and she doesn’t look anything like the confident, fiery woman that Alex knows and loves. He thought, once, that if he was into women she’d have been the kind of woman he’d fall for. He’s changed his mind since then, betrayal has a way of making you figure a person differently.

Still, he’s missed her. She was always Rosa’s friend first, and theirs second but after Rosa died she’d clung to them tightly. She’d taken them to be her own little family. Alex adores her still, even though the hurt is fresh.

“What for?” he asks, not looking up from where he’s been tuning his guitar, he’s seen her in his peripheral vision, that’s enough for now. His fingers curl around the frets and he twists the pin, plucking the string again and tilting his head, eyes closed as he tries to picture what the right note is without needing to use the machine to his left to help him.

Maria sighs and Alex can hear it in his bones.

“You know what for.”

Alex tightens the pin further and hears the string groan. He shakes his head. He thinks about her telling him it meant nothing, he thinks about her telling him that she would never do that. He thinks about the times when he’d thought if he could trust anyone with how he truly felt about Guerin it would be her and then she settles down and plays the closest thing to house that Michael will allow.

“You don’t have to apologise,” he says and it feels like he’s walking the floorboards of déja-vu. They’ve had this conversation before. “Michael and I-”

“I didn’t know it wasn’t over.”

Alex lets out a bitter laugh. “Is that what he told you? That it was over?” He shakes his head. “You’re about three months too late to ask me if I’m okay with this, Maria.”

“I know.”

“Then what?”

“You know I don’t need your permission, Alex.”

“I never said you did, but it might have been nice for you both to talk to me before deciding to give whatever it is a shot.” His voice catches and he gets to his feet, pushes himself up and puts the guitar on the seat he’s vacated. “You know how I feel, Maria. I’d have never done that to you.”

“It doesn’t matter anyway,” Maria says and she steps forward like she’s going to touch Alex. He holds up his hand to stop her. “I- I found something out about him and I think you know and I just- I need to talk to someone who understands.”

Alex’s chest flutters and tightens and he realises that Michael told her the truth and he catches his weight on the wall and waves her inside. She goes, sparing him a concerned glance that Alex dutifully ignores, giving himself thirty seconds before following her to mentally prepare himself for the conversation he’s about to have.

One deep breath in and one deep breath out.

“Careful,” he says, as he drops into the bunker, climbing down the last rung of the ladder, “the bunker’s open. Anyone could walk in.”

He can smell the acetone in the air. The console looks completed, or at least, Alex thinks it looks completed, it’s humming and the air feels electrified like there’s a charge running through it that can’t be stopped or contained. Michael’s in the corner, slumped over a beaten up sofa that’s probably older than the both of them combined that he dragged out of a skip.

“Anyone just did,” comes the response and Alex recognises that tone. Heartbreak. Sadness. Grief.

He presses his lips together and tries to remember a time Michael’s voice didn’t sound sad or broken. He thinks it was that split second moment of perfection when he realised Alex had stayed. His voice had broken with something different, then, hope maybe? Happiness? It’s been such a long time since he’s made Michael happy that he’s forgotten what it sounds like.

His chest hurts just thinking about it. He rubs at it absently as he walks over to where Michael’s lying on the couch. There are empty bottles everywhere, beer and acetone alike and hardly any food and Alex frowns, perches on the edge of the couch and pretends not to notice how Michael flinches as though he’s expecting Alex to rip his heart out. It’s already got too many boot prints on it, he thinks. He doesn’t want to add another while his one from before is still healing. A boot print he never wanted to leave in the first place but had imprinted before he’d realised what he was doing.

“Maria came to see me a couple of days ago,” he starts, and Michael goes stiff again and Alex can’t breathe so he reaches out and pushes his hand into Michael’s hair and they both pretend Michael doesn’t chase the contact like the touch-starved adult he is. They both pretend it doesn’t loosen a knot in their chest and that it doesn’t make it easier for them both to hand this moment, to breathe.

“She hates us, you know. For what we did to her mom.”

“You didn’t do anything,” Alex points out. The realisation that Mimi had been targeted by an alien with powers similar to Isobel’s had been a shock. It had been worse to find evidence that strongly supported Alex’s suspicion that it had been done on the order of Jesse Manes. All he could do was try and burn his father’s legacy to the ground, even if he ended up going down in flames with it. A blaze of glory that would never be sung about. Righting a wrong because he’s the only one that can do it.

Michael’s quiet for a moment before Alex feels a hand on his knee, warmth burning through his jeans like a brand. One deep breath in and one deep breath out. “Neither did you.”

It sounds like forgiveness and Alex’s chest bursts.

+i.

“Will you stop?” Michael slaps Alex’s hand away from the tie Alex is struggling with and finishes tying it up, then tugs on it lightly to loosen it. Alex squints up at Michael, frustrated and annoyed that it’s taking them so long to just put on suits and get ready. They’ve had hours (but it is hard to get ready when you can’t stop yourself from touching your partner, pulling him into kisses that make you forget what day it is let alone what you’re supposed to be getting ready for) and they’re still not truly prepared to step out of the cabin.

“You’re the one that messed it up the first three times I managed to get it tied,” Alex points out with a grin and Michael kisses his temple, then stands behind Alex as he fusses with the top button of his shirt before deciding fuck it. The only reason they’re in suits is because Michael can’t say no to Isobel and when she caught wind of what they were trying to do had come in like a hurricane to organise and plan everything.

It’s still their day, even if it’s got the stamp of Isobel Evans all over it.

Michael’s hands are resting loosely around Alex’s waist, his chin atop Alex’s shoulder and they make eye contact in the mirror. They’re in matching suits, dark blue, and their cufflinks are stars. Alex has an earring in, just the one, and Michael nips below it playfully. Alex closes his eyes.

“Stop it,” he mutters, “you’ll make us late.”

“Can’t be late for our own wedding,” Michael mutters, lips against already sensitive skin and Alex just tilts his head to the side and lets out a shuddered breath and realises that it’s been so long that he can’t remember what it’s like to struggle to breathe.

(At least, not until they get to the makeshift altar with Max standing with a bolo and a massive grin and suddenly Alex’s world is real and bright and everything he never thought he could have and Michael’s in his space, hands cupping his face and stealing a chaste kiss, thumbs brushing along the sharp lines of his cheekbones and whispering breathe, Alex, breathe. And he does.)

#malex #malex fic #michael guerin #alex manes #roswell new mexico #hannah writes #[malex fic]#max evans #cute and fluffy nonsense #ficlet for someone else #no beta we type into tumblr like men

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betweenthelines · 4 years

Text

Cake Edition: Episode 2 - Break Me

I struggle to fully trust God. Because if God told me that He needed to break me, I would have a bunch of questions for Him. When will my breaking happen? How are You going to do it? How painful is it going to be? Am I going to be in a complete mess? What about afterwards?

I struggle to fully trust God and let Him do His thing. My biggest fear was to have a broken heart. So why in the world should I pray for God to break me? But all of these things show that I am privileged.

Before we dive into the word of God, let’s bow our heads for a word of prayer.

Dear heavenly loving Father, I thank you for this opportunity. The world is broken all around us. Teach us to to break with those who are breaking and may we connect and learn to stand with each other. This I pray, in the precious name of Jesus, amen.

There was this Man named Jesus. He came from Heaven and was born into this world to break. Because of His love for people, He wanted to break. And as His ministry was coming to a close, He invited His disciples to share in His last meal.

“And as they were eating, Jesus took bread, blessed and broke it and gave it to the disciples and said, ‘Take, eat; this is My body.’ Then He took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, ‘Drink from it, all of you. For this is My blood of the new covenant, which is shed for many for the remission of sins.’”

These are the words that came from a Man whose name is Jesus. In the entire Bible, He was the only One I could think of who literally wanted to be broken. Now, don’t get me wrong, other people definitely experienced breaking. You have Paul on his journey to Damascus who was broken from his pride, Moses, killing an Egyptian, Jonah in the belly of the whale, Naomi turning bitter, David sleeping with Batsheba and murdering Uriah, Peter denying Christ three times, and the list goes on and on.

But in their experiences, they never asked God: BREAK ME! They never looked up to heaven and prayed for hardships and trials in order to be closer to Him. Never. Their struggles came upon them unexpectedly. In fact, 2 Samuel 11:2 describes the start of David’s breaking by using the words “then it happened” “by chance” “out of the blue” “it just so happened.”

Church, there are people in the world who do not have the privilege to ask to be broken. They do not ask to be broken, but their narratives have been intertwined with brokenness the day they were born. Perhaps this is the story of your neighbour, the people south of the border, or even yourself.

When I was given the topic of “Break Me” I went to my room, knelt down on my soft carpeted floor, and prayed, “Lord, break me to be more like You.” Many of you may say that this is a bold and dangerous prayer. But I want to argue that this is not only a bold and dangerous prayer, but a prayer of PRIVILEGE from the PRIVILEGED. Because as I knelt down, I realized that: I have the liberty and time to pray.

Others don’t have this religious freedom. Others are busy marching on the streets. Others are consumed by protecting their city. Others are grieving from injustice. Others don’t have a voice or don’t have the opportunities to be heard. My brothers look at the colour of their skin and are told by their parents that the world will tell you that you are not enough, but as your mother/father, I will be the first voice to audibly and intentionally say that you are beautiful! You are made in the image of God. Do not let the voices of the world make you believe otherwise. Some don’t even have that. And then they step out into a world, where there is police brutality, where the justice system works against them, where their cries are swept under the rug, where their bleeding wounds are ignored by, dare I say, the church.

Brothers and sisters, it is a privileged prayer to ask God: Lord, break me.

As Jesus broke the bread, which represented how His body would be broken, He blessed it. And as he poured out the wine, which represented how His blood would be spilled, He gave thanks. Jesus KNEW that it was a privilege to be broken for others.

In John 10 starting at verse 11, Jesus says, “I am the good shepherd; the good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep. I lay down My life for the sheep. For this reason the Father loves Me, because I lay down My life so that I may take it again. 18 No one has taken it away from Me, but I lay it down on My own initiative. I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again. This commandment I received from My Father.” A commandment of selfless and sacrificial love.

Jesus voluntarily gave His life for us. He, who formed the universe, who holds the world in the palm of His hands, whom the stars and sun obey, who is the King of kings and Lord of lords.

He who was “so exalted, to whom every knee shall bow, He whom the angels of glory count it honour to serve, bowed down to wash the feet of those who called Him Lord. Washed the feet of His betrayer.”

He broke bread. Poured wine. His body was torn and His blood spilled. He whose “strength sets fast the mountains” He who owns and made the sea, was moved by love when He saw us breaking and said, “Father, Break Me!” JESUS CHOSE TO BREAK WITH AND FOR US. And how is it that we have the audacity to to proclaim His name upon our lips and choose to not break with others.

The Bible says that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us (Rom. 5:8)! Greater love has no one than this than to lay down his life for his friends (John 15:13). God’s love for us was so deep that Jesus decided to innocently die on the cross. And as His body was breaking, His heart was being torn apart.

As He hung on the cross, He thought of you. He thought of the pain that you would experience and He felt it on the cross. He felt the burdens of Martin Luther King Jr. Felt the dirty stares given to Rosa Park. The harsh words spoken to Ben Carson. Christ struggled to breath as He saw Geroge Floyd’s neck being pinned to the ground. He saw the tears of George Floyd’s mother as He looked into his own mother’s weeping eyes.

He saw the policemen fearing for their lives. He saw Derek Chauvin being cancelled from society. He saw Pastor Dave dealing with heart issues, Pastor Anderline filled with unspoken requests. He saw the elders trying to cope with the pandemic, He saw Church in the Valley’s… valley moments and He cried out: Lord, forgive the world! For they don’t know what they’re doing. But in this moment, even though they are doing all in their power to break Me, I still choose to break for them. Then He cried out: It is Finished. And He hung His head and died.

Hebrews 4:15 tells us that Jesus is “not a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but [He] has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet without sin.” As Christ broke on the cross, He came to fully understand the pain and struggles humanity has faced, is facing and will face. He tells us that “in this world, you will have tribulation. But take heart, for I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

Christ tells His disciples in John 10 that “12 He who is a hired hand, and not a shepherd, who is not the owner of the sheep, sees the wolf coming, and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. 13 He flees because he is a hired hand and is not concerned about the sheep.” Then Jesus says, “I have other sheep, which are not of this fold; I must bring them also, and they will hear My voice; and they will become one flock with one shepherd.”

After His resurrection, in John 21, He calls one of His closest disciples. He calls Peter to Him. And as I picture Jesus and Peter walking along the shore of the beach, I can see Jesus turning to Peter, the one who had promised that he would never deny his Lord. The one who had vowed to go with Jesus until prison and death. The one who failed to keep his word, who was so deceived by his own heart, but was known so well by his Lord.

I can see Jesus turning to this Peter and asking him, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me more than these?’ ‘Yes, Lord; You know that I love you.’ He said to him, ‘Feed My lambs.’ ‘Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?’ ‘Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.’ He said to him, ‘Tend My sheep.’ He said to him the third time, ‘Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?’ Peter was grieved because He asked him a third time and he said, ‘Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Feed my sheep.’”

Peter was broken. And the way Jesus restored him was to call him to be a shepherd. Peter knew full well what a shepherd and a hired person looked like. He knew the vast difference. He remembered the lessons Jesus had taught him. That hired people, fake shepherds, don’t care for the sheep. They flee when they see the flock being attacked.

But a shepherd protects the flock. A shepherd carries the sheep when it has been wounded. A shepherd hears the cries of the lambs. A shepherd walks with his flock. A shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. A loving shepherd takes the opportunity, the privilege to break for others.

Peter had witnessed the love and restoring grace of Jesus. He had witnessed that Jesus was the TRUE GOOD SHEPHERD. Jesus broke Himself for Peter and now Peter was given the PRIVILEGE AND HONOUR to do the same. Jesus tells Peter, “I tell you the truth, when you were young, you were able to do as you liked; you dressed yourself and went wherever you wanted to go. But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and others will dress you and take you where you don’t want to go.’ Jesus said this to let him know by what kind of death he would glorify God. Then Jesus told him, ‘Follow me.’”

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Many of us have made Jesus our Lord. We know the sacrifice He gave for us. We acknowledge that He loves us. We have witnessed how He has mended our broken hearts time and time again. And now, we are faced with an opportunity, a privilege.

Just as Jesus called Peter to be a shepherd, Jesus is calling you. We may have denied Him time and time again, but are we willing to now follow Him?

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There is a broken world. There are sheep in God’s flock that have not been brought to Him yet. Are we willing to walk with them? Are we willing to hear their cries? Are we willing to carry them on our shoulders? Are we willing to show the greatest form of love by being willing to lay down our lives for our friends? Or have we grown content in our fake Christianity and settled to become hired hands over God’s flock?

Let this humble and selfless mind which was in Christ, be also in us today. May the love of Jesus be the only thing that moves us to feed, tend and care for His sheep.

If it is your prayer to be like Jesus and to accept His call of privilege to break for others, I invite you to please stand. You’re probably going to look crazy in your home, maybe you were lying down, but if this is your desire, to be like Christ and break for others, arise with me as we pray.

Dear heavenly loving Father, all of us have exerpeicned pain and many of us are experiencing brokenness right now. I know for a fact that you have called our church, Church in the Valley, that sees people in their valleys to meet them where they’re at as well. Give us the strength and boldness and love to break for others. This I pray, in the precious name of Jesus, amen.

#cake edition #break me #sermon #sermonette #prayer #bible #faith

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heroesandlovers · 3 years

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Nancy Drew 1x04 "The Haunted Ring"

The episode opens with Nancy reminding herself of all the reasons she has to suspect Bess. In addition to the ring, Bess hasn’t exactly been honest with the group about her reasons for being in Horseshoe Bay.

Their sleepover is disturbed by…some weird happenings in the kitchen. The microwave going off, lights turning themselves on and then burning out…like…a proper haunting I guess. The girls are led to the TV which is showing the video from the night Tiffany was killed, and then the TV shatters. Bess is weirded out, Nancy plays it off as a weird fuse thing. Or, she asks herself, is Lucy sending a message about Bess?

Nancy starts dreaming a flashback of the last winter formal where her Mom, who despite being near the end, insists she still go and have some fun.

Nancy and Bess learn from Carson that the autopsy report says Tiffany died of natural causes. Bess points out, this means they are no longer murder suspects. But…Nancy is not satisfied.

Nancy’s suspicions mount when she talks to an employee who works for the Marvins but…has never heard of Bess.

At the shop, Nick is installing a security camera to watch the safe where he puts the money Tiffany left him. He is clearly STRESSED about this inheritance. Nancy calls and he ALSO reminds Nancy that Tiffany’s autopsy report is actually good news.

Introduce- Laura Tandy. Tiffany’s sister. She seems nice (as she rips the newspaper out of Nancy’s hand and waltzes into the police station to berate the cops. The cops call Ace because…apparently he has a history with Laura. Juicy. Ace is looking more and more interesting.

Bess is being haunted by…the ring? Ok..whatever is haunting Bess has actually inflicted violence. This seems like a game changer. George and Nancy confront Bess about the ring. Is it Tiffany haunting her because cause she’s mad Bess stole her ring? George and Nancy actually seem pretty satisfied with Bess’s explanation that she just likes sparkly things so she took it?

Ace is following Laura. He doesn’t seem too keen on meeting with Laura again so he’s trying to get some intel without confronting her. But she catches on and their interactions is *chef’s kiss*. It appears that Ace was the one who more or less ghosted Laura (although she was the one who left after the summer) which maybe explains why he was avoiding her.

“Still going with the bumbling stoner thing, huh”

“I bumble just as well, unstoned”

Ah I love him. I also love how the show is giving Ace some character here. Showing that the people who HAVE gotten close to him can see through his “bumbling stoner” facade.

Ace finds out from Laura that Tiffany had been planning on divorcing Ryan…seems pertinent. Ace tells Laura about the audio of the 911 call and she asks him to hack for it. “I’m kind of out of that business”- (but he seemed willing to do it for Nancy?)

Nancy breaks into Bess’s locker and finds a BRITISH passport and that Bess has a last name that is NOT Marvin. But Bess finds her.

George has returned with her Mom to help them with their ghost problem. We learn a little more about George’s family life. Her Mom is a drunk..and a clairvoyant. But she is able to tell them a little more about ghosts. She thinks that Tiffany’s haunting is asking for help and that she’ll persist until she gets help, in this case they have to return Tiffany’s ring to her corpse. I sense hijinks will ensue.

George and Nancy actually have a moment. George acknowledges that funerals might be hard for Nancy.

Nancy sees the autopsy report on Carson’s desk and immediately knows it’s a lie because…there is no reference to the puncture wound that Nancy put there when she drew blood from the corpse. Carson is obviously not too happy about this revelation.

“How convenient for you to have a daughter and a dead wife to blame your selling out on”- That’s some cold words.

Aside- I’m a little confused about everyone’s ages here. Ryan is 19 years older than Nancy. I assume Tiffany is closer in age to Ryan. But her sister Laura was hooking up with Ace? It seems to be mixing generations. Is Ace older? Is Laura older than Ace?

George is being confronted by her past actions. She is forcing herself to do this (return the ring) as some sort of catharsis “I’m sorry I slept with your husband I hope this brings you some sense of peace”. Later she goes to the graveside for a more heartfelt apology and we see something come up out of the grave (Tiffany’s spirit?) and into George’s bag.

Ryan’s relationship with Tiffany seems complex. He seems to defend her against his father.

Nancy decides confronting Bess at the funeral is the best idea and Bess confesses all. Her plan is to get DNA from one of the Marvins to see if she is, in fact, a Marvin like her Mom apparently told her.

At the grave, Laura decides to play the audio tape of the 911 call. Ace denies to the police that he was the one to get that for her but…they don’t seem to believe him. Ace’s past doesn’t speak in his favor here.

Nancy and Carson see Kate’s grave while they are there. It seems implied that Nancy has not yet visited the grave. Carson says he can’t deal with the tension between them anymore. Referring back to the dream at the beginning, we find out that Kate died the night of the Winter Formal. Nancy blames her Dad for not getting a chance to say goodbye to her Mom.

“Whatever you’re feeling, you can carry it with you. But you can’t let it consume you”- This was one of my favorite Nancy and Carson scenes together from the whole series.

Nancy has a heartfelt conversation with her Mom. She wonders why, if ghosts exist as she is coming to believe, why hasn’t her Mom visited her. Nancy’s own insecurities are on full display here. She needs her Mom, but she apparently wasn’t enough to keep her Mom there. The scene is heartbreaking.

At the press briefing. Carson has a moment of conscience and states that the autopsy results were inconclusive. Things seem on a better path between Carson and Nancy.

Lucy’s ghost seems to be sending Lucy more signals, through her eidectic memory (is this ever confirmed?), she realizes that the cracks on the microwave, TV, and now her computer are all a map of Horseshoe Bay and that the epicenter of the crack leads her to her old highschool. So she puts on her sleuthing outfit (beanie and flashlight), goes to her old highschool, and somehow, out of all the things she could find at the school, is led to find a picture of Karen with Lucy (whom had previously lied about knowing her.)

The episode also ends on

Nick catches Laura stealing some flashdrive from books that Tiffany left him?

The “spirit” in George’s bag seems to seep into her leaving her lying in the parking lot

Ace and Laura

“You threw me. When I was with you, it was intense”

Unknown ages aside, Laura is definitely a full grown woman so showing her with Ace here makes Ace seem a little more mature as well. In their own words, their relationship is very much about “what feels good”.

Nancy and Nick

Did they even have any scenes together in this episode?

Favorite quotes:

-“Ace’s phone. This is Ace”- Love him.

-George- “Do not Nancy Drew this up for us”

#ace nancy drew #nancy drew season 1 #nancy drew #nancy x ace #nace #nancydrew #Nancy drew reviews #nancydrew 1x04

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indigoire · 5 years

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It Read-through Interlude and Chapter Four: “Ben Hanscom Takes a Fall”

Not a bad couple of chapters this go around. I might even be able to keep this short and concise.

Warning for bullying, mild gore, and fatphobia.

The interlude is rather short and I breezed through it fairly quickly. It is the first chapter we’ve had thus far in first person point of view though. Have you ever opened up a fanfic, fully expecting something in third person, and you get launched into something written in first person point of view, and you’re immediately compelled to exit out of the work? Well, King pulled a fast one on me, and I suddenly felt that compulsion to click the little red x in the corner. But I can’t do that, who will break down all of the ways Stephen King sucks at writing if I do?

So the interlude is from Mike’s perspective, and the opening paragraph informs the reader that it’s taken from Mike’s notes, which were also written up into a potential novel, though in the form of a journal or diary. Mike had hoped to possibly publish his experiences, and had gotten quite a bit into the project it looked like.

Mike details for us his fears that a “malefic echo” might be back, and his inner struggle not to call the Losers up right after Adrian Mellon is killed. He is very frightened by Adrian’s attack, and it leaves him shaken, but he holds out, waits for something else to happen, to show that it’s not just some wayward tramp or some freak accidents killing people.

He mentions the Turtle speaking to him, launching him into his research of the town (and IT) in the year of 1980. He mentions Bill saying “the Turtle can’t help us”. Even acknowledging the Turtle, Mike has doubts, wondering if it’s just his rabbity mind playing tricks on him.

Still he holds off on making the calls, saying “if I have to make these calls, it may kill some of them,” and he lies awake at night wondering who among the six is the weakest.

He speaks to an old librarian mentor, an Albert Carson, about what he should look into and who he should speak to in order to learn all about Derry. The old-timer gives him some good advice and Mike pursues his research with gusto, talking to people and pumping them for information, in addition to reading anything that might be useful.

He even speaks to old Mr. Ripsom, who tells Mike that before their child Betty was murdered, his wife heard voices from the drain while she was doing dishes. The voices claimed “We are Legion” and Mrs. Ripsom had been so shocked she had refused to do the dishes for years. So Mr. Ripsom had fallen to the task, and some two years after his child had died he’d been doing dishes himself, and he’d heard something from the drain, after the water had been sucked down it. He heard Betty, laughing in the sewers, or possibly screaming, or probably both.

He almost tells Mike more, but they’re at his gas station, and a customer arrives before he can reveal anything else.

Albert Carson is once more consulted, once Mike has pumped the town for information. Mike dares to bring up that something is not quite right in Derry, and Albert almost brushes it off, but does agree. He mentions “the cycle”, the cycle of bad things that happen in Derry, and warns Mike to “Beware!”

Mike ends the interlude with “if anything else happens, I’ll make the calls” and prays that he doesn’t have to.

We then move on to Ben. Now, let me preface this by saying that I love Ben dearly. He’s a sweet, respectful boy. He’s also boring as hell. He’s a very “aw, shucks” Leave it to Beaver sort of a kid, and it might just be the time period he resides in but his chapter is very, I don’t know, slice of life. If it wasn’t for the brutal bullying that goes on in his chapter I would be dead asleep from reading it.

But. I do sort of relate to Ben. I was an, ahem, “big” kid growing up, and I had the same sort of worries and insecurities. I also sought refuge in reading and made friends with the teachers. So part of me goes out to the kid.

Another part of me really resents King for how he writes Ben. Because part of it is masterfully done, the kid worrying about his shape and having body dysmorphia, and you feel for him. And part of it is written the way every thin person thinks a fat person acts. The kid gluts himself on candy while worrying about it. His mom feeds him too much, and Ben wonders if there’s a malicious reason why. The librarian thinks to herself that Ben’s digging his grave with a knife and fork. And listen, far be it from me to say that there aren’t some fat people who got that way just from indulging in leftovers and candy. But the idea that all fat kids got that way from being unable to stop eating is kind of stupid and rooted in fatphobia.

But anyways. Ben is a smart, sweet kid, who has a secret crush on Beverly Marsh, and will never tell her out of fear she’ll be disgusted by him. He also has an enemy in Henry Bowers, who he refused to let copy off his test paper and thus earned his wrath. Henry was held back a year, and he’s almost held back again for flunking said test, but the teacher says he can just take remedial classes over the summer. Henry views this as worse than being held back. If he’d been held back he might have had his dad beat him once, but since his father will be losing Henry’s labor on the farm over the summer he’s probably in for multiple beatings. Thus Henry’s want to take his anger out on Ben, who he refers to as “Tits”.

Ben has a fairly nice day for most of the chapter. He finds some glass bottles in a hedge, turns them in for money, and gets candy with said money. He goes to the library, he reads some books, and then he buys a postcard for three cents from the library (which is encouraging kids to find pen pals). He writes a poem to Beverly Marsh, styling it after a haiku, and thinks that she probably has a boy she has a crush on, and she’ll think of him and not Ben, and it’ll make her happy, and that’s enough for him.

Ben is a really sweet boy, once again.

Of course, once he leaves the library, Bowers and his cronies are on him in an instant, and they push Ben to the side of the canal, against a fence. Bowers springs a mock “test” on Ben, making him swear to always let Bower’s cheat off of him, and to make him remember to do so, takes out his knife and starts carving his name into Ben’s stomach.

Ben, after Bowers carves the H of his name, makes a frantic escape by kicking off of Bowers and breaking through the fence, tumbling down the embankment, and messing up his leg on a tree, which breaks his fall.

He then flees the pursuing bullies and runs across the Barrens, where Stuttering Bill and his friends, unbeknownst to Ben, are building a tiny dam. Ben hides close by to the them in a little hidey-hole, and avoids Bowers, who bullies Bill and his friends instead and destroys their “babydam” when they tell them they haven’t seen Ben.

Ben has a little flashback, or rather a dream, to the past January, when he saw Pennywise near the Barrens, his balloons floating against the wind, and Pennywise spoke to him in a voice that he heard in his mind, “although it seems he heard it with his ears.” Pennywise offers him a balloon and then transforms into a mummy, The Mummy in fact, the titular one from the Universal movie. Ben gets scared off and runs home.

When he wakes up from his little doze, he stumbles from his hidey-hole and onto the Losers. Bill asks if Ben can help, because Eddie is having an asthma attack and his aspirator is empty.

“”I think he m-might be—” His face froze, turned red. He dug at the word, stuttering like a machine-gun. Spittle flew from his lips, and it took almost thirty seconds’ worth of “d-d-d-d” before Ben realized Denbrough was trying to say the other kid might be dying.”

And thus ends the chapter!

There’s not much I can interject or say really. There’s a long section where King goes on about the geography of the town, that I somewhat know is essential to setting the town and getting us familiar with it so we know where the characters are and what their surroundings are like...but it just drones on for long enough that my eyes glazed over out of protest. Other than this and the rampant fatphobia, I don’t really hold anything against these chapters. Mike and Ben are sweet and polite boys and later, men, and I have a lot of fondness for them. I feel like maybe King was trying to hint at there being some mommy issues with Ben, and he implied something dark about Ben’s mom feeding him too much, but their relationship reads as that of a concerned mother doing her best to raise a boy alone.

Anyways, sort of a mediocre place to leave off, but next chapter involves my favorite boy, Bill Denbrough, so we’ll save the salt for tomorrow. Bye for now!

#IT #Stephen King's IT #It (novel)#It (book)#Stephen King #IT Readthrough #Stephen King may be an ass but he did a good thing when he came up with Mike and Ben #Ben Hanscom is a treasure that should be protected

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ruinedbynegan · 6 years

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Closer: Chapter 22

Ultimately, Negan lived up to the task of changing my mind on spaghetti. I found myself honestly enjoying the food, but maybe the company had something to do with that. I was comfortable eating with him and I could never forget the smile he gave me when I said that I actually liked the food. We had finished our meals, the duration of our eating time was mostly silent, probably because Negan wanted to me savor the spaghetti. Surprisingly, he picked up both our plates and silverware and took them to the sink and started washing the dishes, along with the pans we had used. I moved next to him, silently drying the pans and dishes and putting them away. Negan was the one who broke the silence, turning off the sink and leaning back against the counter, his attention focused on me.

“So…are you going to fill me in about the whole being adopted thing or am I gonna have to pry it out of that brother of yours?”

I sighed, knowing this was going to come up again. But I decided that I was going to be honest with him about everything. About me.

I nodded, my eyes meeting his. “Cameron’s parents adopted me when I was five.”

“Do you know anything about your real folks?”

I cringed, but continued. “Yes, but I’d rather not get into that right now, if you don’t mind.”

Negan clearly saw my discomfort at the mention of my parents and let it go, although I knew he wouldn’t forget. He nodded. “They still around?” He asked, referencing the Gardners.

I shook my head. “They died about a year after they adopted me.”

“Shit, I’m sorry,” he started, but I silenced him with a look, telling him that it was okay.

“So it’s just always been you and your brother then?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Cam, he’s all I have.”

“Not anymore,” Negan muttered under his breath, but I still heard it. Hearing him say those words made my stomach flip. But I didn’t acknowledge them, not yet.

“So what about you?” I asked him, wanting to know more about his background. I saw that same look from before as his eyes glazed over, his mind seemingly recalling something from the past. A part of me wanted to ask again, but the rational part of me didn’t want to pressure him. He didn’t answer my question and moved past me out of the kitchen and into the living room. He didn’t seem to be looking at anything in particular, but then his eyes found some pictures and he studied those. He grinned widely at a photo and when I walked over to join him, I blushed when I saw which one it was.

It was a photo of me and my brother, smiling widely at the camera, guitars in our hands. Our band had just had some major success and earned us a spot headlining a local rock tour. We were happy, for once in our lives, it seemed like things were going our way. I turned my thoughts away from the past and focused more closely on the photo itself, specifically my appearance, and was instantly mortified. I was dressed in a white tank, a red plaid skirt, and Doc Martens, my eyes lined heavily with liner, clearly the stereotypical look for female musicians in the mid 2000s. My outfit choice wasn’t the only thing that bothered me…it was my hair. Cut short and choppy with blood red streaks mixing in with my natural black hair. I was blushing furiously when Negan turned to look at me, grinning widely.

“Now I got to know what that’s all about,” he said playfully while pointing to the picture. “Clearly, you’ve been hiding things from me, Carson.”

“I’m not hiding anything. I just haven’t told you about it yet.”

He chuckled. “So tell me. Were you in a band or somethin’? You play guitar? And what on earth was going on with your hair?”

A small part of me, the part that was still hesitant to let him in, wanted to give brief answers to his questions. But I had already decided that I was ignoring that part of me and that I was going to tell Negan all the gory details. Badly dyed hair and all.

“Yes, I was in a band. When I was 17, I dropped out of high school to start one with Cameron, not really knowing much about music. But he taught me, just like he did everything else. He taught me how to play guitar and I later picked up the piano on my own. Our band, Pulse, did really well there for a while. Like Top 40 charts well. But that was a long time ago.”

I paused, taking Negan in and seeing how engrossed he was in my story. He looked at me thoughtfully, void of any sarcastic remarks, so I continued.

“My hair? It was cool…then. And don’t you dare tell me that you’ve never had a seriously horrible hairstyle that you absolutely loved.”

Negan smiled at me smugly. “I did live through the damn 80s, you know.”

I laughed at the thought of Negan with a pompadour. But that reminded me…

“How old are you, by the way?” I asked.

“49,” he answered. “Does that bother you?”

I quickly did the math in my head. Negan was 17 years older than me.

“No,” I said, surprised by my answer. “It probably should, but it doesn’t.”

“And how old are you, kid? 22?”

I smirked at him. “32, actually. The whole wolf thing makes me look a lot younger.”

Negan hummed and moved to sit on the loveseat. He looked at me expectantly and I moved to sit next to him. The distance between us was small and his scent invaded my senses. I couldn’t help but wonder if my scent had the same impact on him. Given his hooded expression, I would say that it did.

“So how’d it happen? Who bit you?” He asked. I didn’t need clarification on what he meant.

I looked down at my hands in my lap and shook my head. “I wasn’t bitten, Negan. I was born like this.”

I looked up to see Negan looking at me with a sense of awe in his eyes. I knew that I was a rarity in our world, since so many people who were wolves were turned by being bitten. The wolf trait was like cancer in a way. Once it got into your system and engulfed your cells, you became someone else, your biology changed. Even similarly, there was no cure for either one.

“Who bit you?” I asked Negan without thinking about his response. But the way he looked at me, the look in his eyes that told me he shut down, told me I wouldn’t get a response.

“Another time, doll. For now, I wanna get back to the fact that you’re a goddamn musician. Where the fuck is your guitar?”

As I began to speak, my phone started vibrating, signaling an incoming call, probably from Cameron. He was the only one who ever called me.

“Sorry, I should get that. It’s probably Cameron,” I told Negan apologetically before getting up and grabbing my phone off the table. When a different name other than my brother’s flashed across the screen, I didn’t answer, waiting for the caller to give up. Out of all the nights…

“You gonna get that?” Negan asked as the phone stopped ringing. As I started putting down the phone, it vibrated again, another attempt to reach me.

I groaned, but answered anyway. Before I started to speak, the voice on the other end beat me to it.

“Hey Carson, I’m sorry to call like this after so long, but we had some newbie band cancel on us last minute and we could really use some help over here. I tried Cam, but with his arm and all…”

I sighed, knowing what he was asking me and how impossible it was. “Nick, I…”

As I had started speaking, my eyes trailed off to Negan. He was looking at me, wonder dancing around in his eyes. My mind drifted to his conditions, that I be myself. And a huge part of myself was the fact that I was a musician. Music, art, the creation of something bigger than myself...it was my soul. Who I was. Who I am.

I hadn’t performed live in years. Not since...it happened. But maybe, just maybe I could tap into that part of myself again. And maybe I could share it with Negan.

I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. “I’m on my way,” I told him, sure of my decision. As I opened my eyes, I ended the call, but didn’t look over at Negan just yet. I felt his eyes on me as I walked to the hall closet and grabbed my backpack and pulled on my favorite leather jacket. Coming back into the living room, I looked at Negan, who was staring me down. His mouth was pressed into a firm line, annoyance and disbelief present in his expression. He knew I was leaving. Little did he know that he was coming with me. So I decided to have fun with it. I did enjoy watching him squirm a bit, knowing that I had that effect on him. I pulled my keys out of my backpack and started walking towards the back door. But not before turning around to smirk at Negan, who by now was fuming. He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off.

“You coming?”

Tags: @haleyea @wolfangelwings

#negan #twd #the walking dead #the walking dead negan #twd negan #jeffrey dean morgan #negan x oc #negan x original female character #negan fanfiction #negan series #negans thirst squad #negan x carson

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rylredrants · 3 years

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20 Years Ago

It’s been 20 years since that day. And just like I wrote in the only ‘memory’ referencing 9/11 on my Facebook, I don’t want to jump on a bandwagon or soapbox. I don’t want to join the throngs of people answering the question that, for those of my generation, needs no explanation… “Where were you when?”

But I can’t not write today.

For me, the where was easy. I was in Colorado Springs.

To say it’s an area with a large military community doesn’t do justice to the sentiment. The Air Force Academy, Cheyenne Mountain Air Force Stations, Fort Carson Army Post, Peterson Air Force Base, and Schriever Air Force Base are all within an hour’s drive, give or take traffic. My new husband was stationed at Fort Carson, a Cavalry Scout.

My mother called me in hysterics- which was not unusual, waking me up earlier than normal. I was working at the Olive Garden as a server. My daughter was 4 years old.

I got up, took her to daycare, and went to work. There was a TV on the same kind of AV cart we got excited about in school sitting inside the server’s station on one side. We didn’t have customer-facing televisions and this was long before smartphones were in everyone’s pockets.

Another military spouse showed up for her shift, unaware of the events. She turned around to go home. She lived on Fort Carson and didn’t get through the gate for several hours.

That evening, I was part of a small sleepover of sorts where a handful of us “Scout Wives” held vigil together- crying and waiting for some kind of news from our husbands. The post was locked down tight. We didn’t get to hold them in our arms until the evening of September 12th.

The “where” is an easy question.

I think the bigger question is “WHO were you when? And who did you become in the aftermath?

Twenty years ago, I was a 22-year-old newlywed. He was my 2ndhusband- a cute boy in a green uniform with bright blue eyes, a grin for miles, and a quirky little gap between his front teeth. He had deployed to Bosnia straight out of basic training. We met in a bar within weeks of his return to the states, around Valentine’s Day of 2001.

The day the towers fell, he still was not old enough to legally buy a beer.

I had already rebuilt my life once when I left California and split up with my daughter’s father. Our new life was just beginning, but when my mother wailed, “You just married a soldier and we’re going to WAR!” I felt it. I felt my entire life unraveling again.

We moved to Germany the following spring where he was almost immediately sent to Kosovo. It was slated to be a 6-month tour. His replacement unit was sent to Iraq as part of OIF 1, so they extended their mission to 9 months. From there, there were moves back to Colorado, a separation, reconciliation, a move to Texas, and 2 more deployments to Iraq.

By the time we separated, I was 30 years old. We owned a home and he was slated for a third deployment to Iraq. The TBI (traumatic brain injury), PTSD, migraines, and back problems were so bad that he did not deploy, and was medically discharged before his 30th birthday.

We stayed on friendly terms for another decade, but every time I saw pictures of his new life and new wife I felt all of it all over again. He still had the big grin, but the sparkle in his eyes was gone.

That man has his name, his fingerprints, and his DNA but little else remained of the boy I married all those years ago. My husband went to war, but despite coming back upright and without a flag draped over his body, he never came back.

This is one of those things that people outside the military community don’t often realize. Whether or not you wear the uniform, war changes you. Military families deal with their own stress, trauma, loneliness, and fear from having loved ones in a warzone for weeks, months, and sometimes years at a time.

Waiting for that telegraph, knock on the door, or news story that mentions their unit… that part has changed over the years but living in that constant state of dread is the same.

It’s a state of anticipatory grief… waiting for the moment when the grief process will begin and be recognized by those around you.

When the same uniform walks through the door, the rest of the world sees the happiness of a homecoming.

But for so many, that happiness is often quickly replaced with learning who the person wearing the uniform has become in their absence.

New kinds of stress, trauma, loneliness, and fear often follow.

The stress of readjusting to sharing your home. The trauma, packed neatly away in their rucksack spills out all over the floor with their gear. Then comes the loneliness when they isolate and disconnect, and fear that you will become the target of their anger.

When my soldier returned, his drug of choice was video games. I called myself a ‘PlayStation Widow’ because he would spend every waking moment outside of work with a controller in hand, often not getting up to eat, drink or even smoke. His anger was most pronounced in his road rage- yelling, swearing, speeding, and tailgating.

I learned to manage his anger with my tears.

The rage would take hold and I would take responsibility for it, trying to figure out how I could have caused it. ‘What did I do? How can I fix this? What does he need?’ Eventually, I realized that he only calmed down once I’d become so spun up into it that I’d broken down in my own panic.

Over a decade later, when my current partner, Pirate, is struggling with his mental health, my first instinct is still to take responsibility.

It’s only because of the therapy, medication, and communication, on both sides, that I’m able to acknowledge and support him without taking it on as my own.

I swore I’d never get involved with military personnel again when that marriage ended.

What I hadn’t considered is that relationships are often brought about by proximity. I’ve lived near military installations for most of my adult life- Forts Carson, Hood, Meade, and Huachuca stateside, plus 2 years in Germany.

Friends, lovers, 2 ex-husbands, and my current partner have all brought their own trauma-filled rucksacks along with them, and into my life.

They each had their own experiences and their own way of handling things.

Dirty D had a picture on his MySpace of himself crouched down, naked, pistol in hand that was taken shortly before he was hospitalized for holding the gun to his head. I was friendly with his wives and girlfriends, including the one he moved to Idaho with to live off the grid on a hand-built homestead.

Taz was working nights as a bouncer when we met. He was sent to Germany only to be medically discharged and returned to Texas because his body was too damaged from previous trips to “the sandbox” to deploy again.

The Postman shared stories he wrote about his time in Mogadishu, Somalia. You probably know that as the place where "Black Hawk Down" happened. We met while he was on leave from Iraq and he later emailed more stories to me from Afghanistan.

The Mad Scientist once talked about being with his unit early on during Operation Iraqi freedom. Food was scarce so they were only getting one MRE a day. He had a stash of candy bars that he broke small pieces off from to share with the guys in his unit that were struggling the most with hunger.

MM also experienced those lean rations and hunger along with going days on end unable to get clean. The bulk of his PTSD revolved around food and cleanliness.

We once drove over 3 hours to go to a ‘Princess Bride’ themed burlesque show. The venue said they had food, and we didn’t have time to get dinner before going to the theater. When he discovered that the concession stand was closed he had a meltdown, leaving me alone to go get a hamburger at a bar down the block.

Pirate has nightmares, crying out in his sleep and trembling so violently that our bed shakes. He was medically discharged from the Army before his unit deployed. He lives with survivor’s guilt on top of the PTSD he developed as a 5-year-old missionary kid in Kenya during a civil uprising.

And none of this takes into account the first responders, civilians, and all of their families who have been impacted by this.

Here we are 20 years later...

I just saw a video where a teacher discussed telling her students about 9/11. She explained that there were 3 targets that symbolized the very idea of America in their own way. The World Trade Center was a representation of the American economic power, the Pentagon is a symbol of military power, and the 3rd target, the Capitol is the seat of our democracy.

20 years later, the 3rd target was attacked again.

This time, the attack did not come from foreign powers but instead from home-grown terrorists, radicalized to believe the blatant lies of a spray-tanned reality TV star who is spending this anniversary as a ringside commentator at a casino boxing match in Florida. I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

We are in a politicized pandemic that quite literally almost killed my own mother last week. I’m living in the hottest city in America where we moved for a job that Pirate was fired from 3 weeks after we signed our year-long lease.

Oh, and the Capitol police have requested the fences be put back up for the “Justice for J6” rally next weekend. These 'very fine people' are gathering to show solidarity for those who literally smeared shit on the halls of our democracy.

Showing support for those arrested for assaults that left several people injured. Five people died shortly before, during, or after the event, and 4 officers who responded to the riot died by suicide in the months since.

Today there are people all over social media posting stories of where they were that day.

But others are the younger people who have been taught to “remember” an event that was little more to their personal history than a scary movie on TV. They were too young or too far removed from it to carry the same scars as those who lived through the events of that day and all that came after.

I’m glad they only have to perform the remembrance rather than experience it. But for the rest of us, I think that it is part of the healing to look back on this anniversary and say,

“I was there. I was present. That day changed my life in ways that still matter to me.”

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strangcrdoctor · 6 years

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∞Last Marvel Meta Field Notes for the night is for Ant Man. This set is a lot more lighthearted than other recent entries but that’s because the other movies are so deep in Marvel mythos that they’re just. An investment. An investment I love, but an investment. Because AM is an origins movie, however, it’s more light-hearted and independent, and a hell of a lot of fun.

1. So obviously the building under construction during the meeting Hank had with SHIELD in 1989 is obviously the Triskelion (which Steve blew up in CA:TWS), but I like that mid-construction as it was in that period they showed the bays where eventually the helicarriers would eventually be housed. I’m a little curious as to why SHIELD built those bays so large thirty years before they had helicarriers planned, just. You know. As a question. 2. Scott Lang is every single one of us that has worked a customer service job and who is over-educated, over-qualified, or frankly just too done with that shit. 3. The Yellowjacket Presentation is in fact 1000 times worse than the Jericho Presentation in IM, and Cross Technology within Pym Tech is shameless about marketing to the rich and paranoid and zealous. The whole moralistic argument that Cross makes when selling the Yellowjacket armor is the kind of shit that rich white supremacists would eat up, which is precisely why he ends up with the clientele he does. However, I do find it interesting that AM included a direct tie-in Carson being a part of SHIELD in the 80s and then being the person that arranges for the business deal Cross gets with HYDRA. 4. Cross is literally “crossing” the boundary into godhood, or something possibly worse because it’s not that he fashions himself as a god so much as he completely disconnects from any sense of morality, law, or respect for life. To date he might be the most ostentatiously disgusting villain, but it’s because his brain is literally rotting. And I know that can be a prickly subject when talked about in the wrong light but Cross doesn’t just have a mental disorder - he has physically melted his brain-pan and his morality and concept of justice are fucked because of it, which feeds into why he’s so creepy but also why it’s arguably creepier that his nihilism attracts fascist supremacists. Like I even liked Stane better than this lord. 5. While I understand Scott’s ex’s complaints about visitation rights, there’s a complex legal process that has to be walked through before legal action can be taken (so her schlub cop fiancee is keyed to be a defensive moron), but since Scott is still technically the father they’re obligated to set up a court approved parenting plan before they can bar him completely. Like any attempt to totally bar him would have to be put before a court and no real court given a good prison record and attempting employment would keep Scott from seeing Cassie entirely. He’d have restricted hours, but they couldn’t legally out him even if based on financial reasons. Not that he could afford to sue over that, but still. 6. Even though Hank and Hope are still jagged people and won’t ever necessarily slot into one another’s lives perfectly, the portrayal of a difficult adult father/daughter relationship is refreshing for Marvel. It’s a complicated and touchy subject no matter who you are, but again Scott steps in as a sort of mediating factor in both of them understanding that their relationship can’t go on as it has and that something has to give. Scott isn’t the one who “fixes” them so much as Scott is the person who breaks the ice, and from there he lets them have their space to discuss their hardships which is a very real and very adult set of exchanges. Nicely done, Marvel. 7. I appreciate Hope loving kicking the shit out of Scott. I just. That’s it. It’s great when she’s proud of his progress too, but I like that we get to see a woman reveling in beating the tar out of a guy. 8. Just ever so slightly more on why Hope still gets to be angry at Hank about her mother, it’s impressive to me all the same that even while Hope points out why she has every reason to think the way her dad handled the situation wasn’t okay, Hope also identifies immediately the guilt that Hank was carrying all those years for killing his wife and being the reason her mother died. Hope is so much the big person in that talk because she could continue to rant and rave, but at some point adults let go. Adults live with not getting closure and handling it well or badly, and Hope has spent her whole life trying to process that trauma. By the age she is, she doesn’t need reconciliation to function, but when she gets it she appreciates it and makes a point of acknowledging the truth of the matter because she’s sorted a lot of her feelings on her own, though she hasn’t sorted all of them. 9. For a really interesting period for Hank to be involved with historically, late Soviet brinkmanship is a really poignant choice. The USSR was changing leaders like the British gentry change hats, and even though the Cold War was in decline the tension between countries was also relatively at an all time diplomatic high. With America tangled up in what came after the Vietnam and Korean wars, and headed headlong into the Gulf War, Russia saw its neighbors getting hemmed in from all sides at its weakest moment and did try to pose as many major problems for its enemies as it could because the communist regime was losing, and they couldn’t accept that. Regardless of whether or not Hank bought into the ideology, Hank’s connections to SHIELD - and by unknown association HYDRA - would have been an especially tense one in those years because of the intelligence war that was really seriously being waged during that time. Hank also would have seen it as the worst a country can do when they’re backed into a corner and afraid, and he didn’t want his technology to inspire that in any person or any country because he knew what the results would be. 10. Scott Lang is actually the WORST thief because he has the personality of a jilted millennial mixed with a golden retriever, and yet somehow is the BEST thief because he’s brilliant and versatile. 11. Cross literally selling out to Hydra is the least surprising thing because let’s face it fascists go for the lowest hanging fruit and Cross is it. 12. Also little man Hank Pym who will punch a bitch just because. He knows he’s not going to beat the tar out of them, but he’ll punch them if and when he wants to. 13. Kudos to Pym for being so paranoid that he carries a damn actual tank on his keychain “just for emergencies.” That’s actually a step above and a step ahead of Tony Stark in some ways. 14. Also it figures that Cross calls it the Yellowjacket because yellowj ackets are the asshole of the natural world and everyone knows it. 15. The visual aesthetic of the sub-atomic realm in AM is a predecessor and also thematically similar to the view of the Multiverse that Doctor Strange gets. Especially one level of the sub-atomic world exhibits mirror-dimension type qualities and even if they’re independent the visual similarity and parallelism is striking to note. 16. Scott and Paxton having a real shared-dad moment that’s not toxic masculinity? Fuck yes. It’s awkward yeah, but when both of them get over their own perceptions of how they are the better dad for Cassie, and especially when they see that both of them would die to make sure she’s okay, them getting to have that genuine moment of “you’re okay” and “thank you” is very cathartic for paternal masculinity in general because it circumvents the need for competition to be the only point of contact between them. 17. Cassie adopting the giant ant because she would. I hope she names him Ant-hony too without ever knowing that’s what Scott called 247. 18. Luis I think is the most hilarious Marvel side character to date and I honestly don’t know what the Ant Man movie would be without him. Scott is amazing at offsetting the seriousness of the plot aspects of the film but Luis is the keystone for where Scott’s humor and irony comes from, and where the actual absolutely necessary comedic aspect of Ant Man comes in and I appreciate him greatly.

That’s all for tonight guys. More to come later!∞

#''the doctor is out #''marvel meta field notes #''MMFN

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