#Chapter 57

[transparentduckbird]

The new Saezuru cover 🤍🩶 enjoy fandom 😘

5月31日発売予定『ihr HertZ 2024年7月号』

https://bs-garden.com/product/ihr-hertz-202407/

[shigarakicolorpanels]

Chapter 57: The Aftermath of Hero Killer Stain

[spyxfamilysmol]

[everymangacapmisa]

[cosmicjoke]

Okay, chapter 57 of Saezuru!

So, we're at an impasse again.

I don't want to see anyone shitting on Yashiro here, though I know inevitably there's going to be people doing that, and probably people shitting on Doumeki, too. I think what people need to constantly remind themselves of while reading this story is that, at it's heart, it's a story about trauma, and the difficulty, sometimes near impossibility, of ever fully overcoming that trauma.

I know some people are going to talk badly about Yashiro's reaction to Doumeki, regarding especially the moment when he pushes Doumeki away from him. They're going to grow frustrated and say he's sending Doumeki mixed messages, etc, etc... But Doumeki is also doing the same.

Doumeki, at this point, seems to me to be operating out of frustration, while Yashiro is still operating out of fear.

I felt like the pivotal moment of this chapter came after Doumeki turns Yashiro around and, for just a moment, lets his mask drop. When Yashiro makes his comment to him about him "making a face like (he) wants to do it really badly", I felt like Doumeki had an opportunity here that he blew. I'm not blaming Doumeki, let me just say right off, so that nobody misunderstands what I mean. But I think Doumeki still doesn't quite understand what's wrong with Yashiro. I think he thinks Yashiro is playing games, but he's not. Doumeki saw Yashiro's earlier moment of pushing him away when he started kissing and licking at his leg, when he was being gentle with Yashiro, and I think likely took Yashiro's comment about the face he was making as a mocking statement.

The awful part here is, it was a statement made in earnest.

So was Yashiro's reaction to pushing Doumeki away.

Yashiro is still triggered by gentle treatment. Look at his face when Doumeki starts licking at his leg, as he remembers four years earlier, to the first time they had sex. His expression is horrified. He's scared. He's traumatized. He's giving a trauma response to what's happening. You can tell by his reaction after pushing Doumeki away that it wasn't even a conscious thing he did. His body just reacted. He has this wide-eyed, shocked look, like he doesn't know what just happened.

And then Doumeki lets his frustration and probably some anger dictate his response, which is to manhandle Yashiro onto his stomach and take him from behind. Again, it's really important to watch Yashiro's reactions here to understand what's going on with him, I think.

Once again, his face is stricken. You can tell he doesn't want this at all. He even looks frightened for a moment, and then in pain as Doumeki pushes into him.

The thing is, Doumeki doesn't want this either, but like I said before, I think he's operating out of a place of frustration and anger. He lets his frustration with Yashiro's seemingly contradictory behavior push him to be forceful with Yashiro. But it doesn't last long. Doumeki then turns him again onto his back, and that's the moment he lets his mask drop, and Yashiro makes his comment about his expression.

Again, I think it's vital to understanding what's going on with Yashiro to also pay attention to his own expressions. He reaches for Doumeki's face, and smiles at him, and the look in his eyes is very soft. You can tell he means it, what he says to Doumeki, and you can tell he genuinely longs for it, for Doumeki to look at him the way he once did, with that gentle kindness and genuine desire.

If Doumeki understood what was really at the heart of Yashiro's issues, I don't think he would have reacted the way he did. He makes a mistake here when he pulls Yashiro's hand away, and even squeezes down painfully on it. Yashiro's reaction is one of confusion. He doesn't understand why Doumeki is suddenly back to being cold. He says "Huh?", when Doumeki tells him "What a nostalgic thing to say.", before once again forcefully pinning him down. Again, I think Doumeki thinks Yashiro is playing games, but he's seriously not. His response to Doumeki's gentility is a trauma response. He's still triggered by that kind of treatment, while simultaneously longing for it. He doesn't mean to be sending Doumeki mixed messages. This is what I mean when I say people need to keep in mind that this story is, at its core, about trauma and the ways it manifests. His responses to Doumeki aren't a conscious thing on Yashiro's part. He can look back at them retrospectively and think about them, like he does at the end of this chapter, but in the moment, I don't think it's voluntary at all. I think if Doumeki had taken that opportunity to just be honest with Yashiro, to tell him how he really feels, it would have been met with honesty from Yashiro in turn, because I don't think Yashiro is being dishonest at this point. I think his responses to Doumeki are all real. He says at the end of the chapter "I'm full of contradictions", a direct callback to when Yashiro was a teenager and he thought the same about himself. He's both genuinely triggered by Doumeki's gentility, and at the same time, wants it desperately.

The heartbreaking thing here is, Yashiro is blaming himself for fucking it all up again. He compares himself to livestock that can't change, and says he's completely incapable of growth. Yashiro's self-loathing is on full display. He really believes he'll never be able to move past the seeming contradictions inside him, contradictions he's felt since he was a boy. The longing for love, the deep desire to be loved, and yet, because of the severe abuse he suffered, his inability to receive that love without succumbing to a terrified, panicked response. It's Yashiro's trauma, rooted in what his stepfather did to him for years, that's preventing him from fully embracing Doumeki's love. He wants to, but he can't.

And that's the thing, too. Yashiro has always been aware of the contradictions in himself. He spoke about it as a teenager, about how he wanted to hurt Kage, but how he knew he would be hurt if Kage rejected him. That's where Yashiro misunderstood himself, though. He never wanted to hurt Kage. That was Yashiro's warped perception of himself, the part of him that thinks he wants to destroy beautiful things. It's not that. He's always just been afraid because affection triggers him, and so he convinced himself he wants to be abused, that it's his fault he's been abused because of that, as a means of coping with the way that abuse has destroyed him.

Exacerbating all of it is Doumeki's refusal to drop his mask of indifference. Again, I'm not blaming Doumeki. He's understandably frustrated, and I think starting to become angry, because he thinks it's simply a situation in which Yashiro is refusing to be honest with him about his feelings. He thinks Yashiro is messing with him, so he responds by pretending like he feels nothing for Yashiro. I don't think he realizes that he's only affirming for Yashiro his own fears that he's managed to turn Doumeki against him, that he lost Doumeki's love for him by pushing him away before, which only makes it all the harder for Yashiro to, essentially, ask for help. And Yashiro needs help. He can't do this on his own. He can't process his trauma and explain what's happening to him, explain what he's feeling, without understanding.

I don't think Doumeki understands Yashiro right now. I don't think he understands what's wrong with him.

Yashiro thinks about Doumeki with Izumi, and thinks about himself as a teenager, alone, and correlates his seeming inability to change with that aloneness. Doumeki has moved on from him, he believes, he's found an emotional connection and partner in Izumi, while Yashiro remains stuck in the same place, forever destined to be cut off and isolated from all, human affection.

He needs help. He needs someone to help him work through this, to cope with the fact that he both longs for kindness, gentility and love, while those things also terrify and repulse him and trigger a flight response in him. Yashiro isn't doing this on purpose. He's not lying. His natural inclination and desire for love and kindness is coming into direct conflict with his trauma, with the way those things, as a consequence of the abuse he's endured, have rendered love and kindness triggering to him.

I don't think Doumeki can help him until he figures out that Yashiro isn't being dishonest, but that he's trapped by his own trauma. Until he figures that out, until he realizes just how damaged Yashiro is, he's going to keep pretending he doesn't care about him, either as a punishment, or in some crude attempt to force him into acknowledging his feelings, which ultimately is having the opposite effect. It's only pushing Yashiro into a deeper hole of self-loathing and fear, only reaffirming for him every negative thought and feelings he's ever had about himself.

[tetradynasty]

So, chapter 57 drops some big revelations.

Samura is likely the traitor, Uruha is likely dead, and everything has gone wrong.

But I think the biggest question after all that is:

“What the fuck happened in the War?”

In universe and out of universe, everyone has been very vague about the war, likely on purpose. We know it ended fifteen years ago, shortly before Chihiro was born, we know it made Rokuhira famous as a hero along with the swordbearers, and we know Japan was losing until Rokuhira made the swords.

And we know it was bad.

It seems like a bit of a joke at first, to have Shiba, Samura, and Uruha all go, “No, I’m not the hero, Rokuhira is the real hero”, but what happened to make them disdain any pretenses of being a hero? What did they do?

The Kamunabi propaganda’d everything about the war after it was done. It’s described as hell on earth by the people that fought there, and it sure as hell looks it.

But all the people hear about it is, “Rokuhira crafted six blades that led us to victory over the enemy.”

They don’t know that apparently everyone who fought in it, low to high, apparently came back with PTSD. They don’t know that it permanently fractured Rokuhira’s trust in the government.

I think most damning is that we don’t know what “victory over the enemy” looks like.

So what happened in the war?

My guess is that once Japan started winning, they were not merciful in victory. The sword bearers murdered countless soldiers. They reflected every loss back two-fold.

And I don’t think it stopped there.

The Kamunabi have been shown to not care about what’s right. They only care about what keeps them in power. But even they locked up the Shinuichi’s user where all the other sword bearers just got house arrest.

Either on the orders of the government or on his own, I think that the wielder of the Shinuichi committed genocide. Wiped out a significant fraction of whoever this “enemy” was. And after all that, after all the death and destruction, everyone came back to cheers and applause. To being called “heroes”.

I think that Samura just couldn’t swallow that. I think he wants the truth to come out, no matter what he has to do to achieve that. And so he makes a deal with Yura (who may be a survivor from the other side of the war?) to break this lie.

I think that whatever happens next, the Kamunabi is not coming out of it in one piece. They’ve made too many enemies.

But I’m excited to watch the fireworks.

[violentdelightshavevioletends]

Chapter 57-60 (so much is happening I’m just making a bullet point list of me screaming about things as I read) ❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨

Onyx Storm SPOILERS

CHAPTER 57

There’s something about the fact that Xaden doesn't sit in the Throne of Tyrrendor during the “meeting of chaos & war strategy debates” in Chapter 57... like; he's not sitting, not resting or just watching, he isn’t doing it like a King who’s never seen war first hand choosing from a towers safety; he’s doing it like a soldier, as someone who will be on the front lines beside them, and thus discusses it with them as such (on all levels; giving space for the lowest voices to be heard, for equal among the rebels, even against other leadership in higher stations). And in that holding his command among them with such powerful ease to the claim simply because of how he holds himself; he doesn’t need a throne or symbol or higher seat to be the leader he is… so idk… gonna go fan myself now.

Brennan saying OUR sister

How dare Theophanie even suggest Jack as his brother… and remind me of Liam again like that cause ow😭💔

Sloane going after Dain and him just taking the punches yet her listening… I’m watching them🫢

Melgren wouldn’t see the rebellion though👀👀

Xaden does have a point; her in danger is him in danger.

Not the “worse than dying” trope. NO!

Okay, this planning accepting ahead of time is actually pretty smart😂 yes Violet will of course save Mira, obviously Xaden is going after her, let’s just get that out of the way; even Brennan says it for himself going for Mira too.

CHAPTER 58

But Violet is both cadet and scribe…

The way Tairn assures her of her choice because he followed, he knows🥲

Aaric is there again… maybe cause he saw what Melgren didn’t? Hmm… I’m watching you Rebecca

Too soon to rub in the Andarna thing! “The Irid we lost”😭 she’s NOT lost she’s just gone for a bit AND COMING BACK

I mean… she didn’t say what brother lol ;-)

Lmao I misread the “runed” armoire as RUINED and thought it was from the first book spice🤣

NO, NOT ANOTHER complicated wording again! WAIT FUCK NO LIAR NONONO

MIRA NONONONONONONOOOO (I swear my eyes bugged out😱 and heart fell🖤 on that final line😭 of Chapter 58) NOT MIRA! NO. FUCKING. WAY. MALIK YOU CANT HAVE HER!!! NOT MIRA!!! YOU WILL NOT DIE TODAY!

CHAPTER 59

Please tell me this is a bad dream😅… a really bad dream walking moment?😭

Well, at least even the Venin also want Jack dead… guess we all agree on that!🙄

Hehe I’m sobbing🫥☠️

Xaden protecting them while Brennan and Violet try to save Mira and it’s killing me because is he fighting for them to have time knowing they’ll find a way or is this him giving them the last seconds they have together😭 and Tairns voice to her giving her descriptions so she doesn’t turn taking care of everything so she’s safe there for a second😭(and she knows it)😭

SLOANE BABE DON’T YOU DARE DIE — REBECCA WHY DID YOU GIVE ME A LIAM APOLOGY RIGHT NOW CUZ I’M ALREADY DYING HERE

NO! DAMMIT! NOT A REPEAT OF BRENNAN DRAINING HIMSELF TO DEATH!😭 WE ARE NOT LOSING ANY SORRENGAILS TODAY (let alone two) I FORBID IT!!!

How much are we trusting Aetos these days? lmao but damn what did he see😅😭👀🫥

No… Brennan saying sorry to VIOLET because he knows this will kill her… no nonono

Sloane’s full circle of saving a Sorrengail🥺😭🥹

Dain you just got points for letting her hate you, so long as Mira lives

NO MORE SECRETS (for real this time)?!

“God don’t I know it” — okay Dain and Sloane I see you… idk how I feel here but age; wait is Sloane only a year younger than Vi? I guess that’s the same as Xaden and Violet then… okay maybe? The fact he took her punches, is that the mark earlier?🥺😭🥹

Umm… so Sloane said Dain has more power than he should; does that mean something bad? Venin? Or like she doesn’t trust him to have power and it’s a political statement?

You are NOT a weapon😭

Brennan you are a miracle worker *breaths finally*

Me screaming at Rebecca for scaring me like that again over MIRA of all people (after the Ridoc incident I CANNOT ANYMORE… but also scare me and bring them back don’t leave them gone I can’t do it after Liam and every mention of that hurts enough so also stop hurting them)

OMG WAIT… the marks are gone after Sloane… the marks that sounded almost like Venin? Can Sloane heal Venin?? — What marks were on Dain and Brennan; did they all mark runes or something? Why does Dain grab his good wrist?

lol😂🫶I love Sloane🖕👍

I wish we had more Sloane and Liam… well… anything🥹

War zone mail… really?

Hehe Dain there’s a lot of explanations we all need😅

DO. NOT. TURN.

“ONLY EVER YOU”

WHAT PROMISE??

Sgaeyl and Violets nod of “protect them” agreement 🤝

“The Duke of Angst” 🤣🤣🤣

Yeah… another problem adds up😅😅😬 these final 10 chapters are CRAZZZYYYY

CHAPTER 60

Yeah the stubbornness always proves true…

The way Tairn almost broke dragon law for Violet because he wouldn’t leave her🥺

A rider a weapon — second year indeed

“Magic requires balance”

… who’s faster?? — ya know what I don’t wanna know

Fuck they regenerate?🤦‍♀️ Great.💀

“The same as shadows” — fuck. … command needs to not notice that please

lol Violet using the tree thrown at her to her advantage as a cover👏

… what is she supposed “accept”?

WHO IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?!?

OMG. YES. BODHI 👏counter it👏

Her mother was the balance to THEOPHANIE… this is so much worse fighting essentially… her mother

Wait wait wait… what balance does Violet break?

LILITH FOUGHT THEOPHANIE BEFORE?!?

“Dunne” — that one now… intrigue.

It isn’t her… but it’s Rhi!!! —

— POV SHIFT — let’s go TEAMWORK TIME!!! (I love our girl so much🥹) THE BEST OF US — now no dying OKAY?!

CHAPTER 61; here I come with the energy of I ain’t gettin no sleep cause of you talk ain’t gettin no sleep cause of me; THEOPHANIE

❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌

[everyryuujisuguro]

[every-ciel-phantomhive]

[ilovesaezuru]

[manga-meow]

[every-ogata]

[shigarakicolorpanels]

Chapter 57: The Aftermath of Hero Killer Stain

[spyxfamilysmol]

[acourtofquestions]

"Should we, or is it rude?" Aelin mused, peering at the wooden door.

Rowan sent a spear of his wind aiming for the lock and splintered it apart. "Looks like it was already open when we got here," he said mildly.

Aelin gave him a wicked grin, and Fenrys pulled a torch off its bracket in the narrow stone hallway to illuminate the room beyond.

[dabicolorpanels]

Chapter 57: The Aftermath of Hero Killer Stain