#chapter 57

[cosmicjoke]

Okay, chapter 57 of Saezuru!

So, we're at an impasse again.

I don't want to see anyone shitting on Yashiro here, though I know inevitably there's going to be people doing that, and probably people shitting on Doumeki, too. I think what people need to constantly remind themselves of while reading this story is that, at it's heart, it's a story about trauma, and the difficulty, sometimes near impossibility, of ever fully overcoming that trauma.

I know some people are going to talk badly about Yashiro's reaction to Doumeki, regarding especially the moment when he pushes Doumeki away from him. They're going to grow frustrated and say he's sending Doumeki mixed messages, etc, etc... But Doumeki is also doing the same.

Doumeki, at this point, seems to me to be operating out of frustration, while Yashiro is still operating out of fear.

I felt like the pivotal moment of this chapter came after Doumeki turns Yashiro around and, for just a moment, lets his mask drop. When Yashiro makes his comment to him about him "making a face like (he) wants to do it really badly", I felt like Doumeki had an opportunity here that he blew. I'm not blaming Doumeki, let me just say right off, so that nobody misunderstands what I mean. But I think Doumeki still doesn't quite understand what's wrong with Yashiro. I think he thinks Yashiro is playing games, but he's not. Doumeki saw Yashiro's earlier moment of pushing him away when he started kissing and licking at his leg, when he was being gentle with Yashiro, and I think likely took Yashiro's comment about the face he was making as a mocking statement.

The awful part here is, it was a statement made in earnest.

So was Yashiro's reaction to pushing Doumeki away.

Yashiro is still triggered by gentle treatment. Look at his face when Doumeki starts licking at his leg, as he remembers four years earlier, to the first time they had sex. His expression is horrified. He's scared. He's traumatized. He's giving a trauma response to what's happening. You can tell by his reaction after pushing Doumeki away that it wasn't even a conscious thing he did. His body just reacted. He has this wide-eyed, shocked look, like he doesn't know what just happened.

And then Doumeki lets his frustration and probably some anger dictate his response, which is to manhandle Yashiro onto his stomach and take him from behind. Again, it's really important to watch Yashiro's reactions here to understand what's going on with him, I think.

Once again, his face is stricken. You can tell he doesn't want this at all. He even looks frightened for a moment, and then in pain as Doumeki pushes into him.

The thing is, Doumeki doesn't want this either, but like I said before, I think he's operating out of a place of frustration and anger. He lets his frustration with Yashiro's seemingly contradictory behavior push him to be forceful with Yashiro. But it doesn't last long. Doumeki then turns him again onto his back, and that's the moment he lets his mask drop, and Yashiro makes his comment about his expression.

Again, I think it's vital to understanding what's going on with Yashiro to also pay attention to his own expressions. He reaches for Doumeki's face, and smiles at him, and the look in his eyes is very soft. You can tell he means it, what he says to Doumeki, and you can tell he genuinely longs for it, for Doumeki to look at him the way he once did, with that gentle kindness and genuine desire.

If Doumeki understood what was really at the heart of Yashiro's issues, I don't think he would have reacted the way he did. He makes a mistake here when he pulls Yashiro's hand away, and even squeezes down painfully on it. Yashiro's reaction is one of confusion. He doesn't understand why Doumeki is suddenly back to being cold. He says "Huh?", when Doumeki tells him "What a nostalgic thing to say.", before once again forcefully pinning him down. Again, I think Doumeki thinks Yashiro is playing games, but he's seriously not. His response to Doumeki's gentility is a trauma response. He's still triggered by that kind of treatment, while simultaneously longing for it. He doesn't mean to be sending Doumeki mixed messages. This is what I mean when I say people need to keep in mind that this story is, at its core, about trauma and the ways it manifests. His responses to Doumeki aren't a conscious thing on Yashiro's part. He can look back at them retrospectively and think about them, like he does at the end of this chapter, but in the moment, I don't think it's voluntary at all. I think if Doumeki had taken that opportunity to just be honest with Yashiro, to tell him how he really feels, it would have been met with honesty from Yashiro in turn, because I don't think Yashiro is being dishonest at this point. I think his responses to Doumeki are all real. He says at the end of the chapter "I'm full of contradictions", a direct callback to when Yashiro was a teenager and he thought the same about himself. He's both genuinely triggered by Doumeki's gentility, and at the same time, wants it desperately.

The heartbreaking thing here is, Yashiro is blaming himself for fucking it all up again. He compares himself to livestock that can't change, and says he's completely incapable of growth. Yashiro's self-loathing is on full display. He really believes he'll never be able to move past the seeming contradictions inside him, contradictions he's felt since he was a boy. The longing for love, the deep desire to be loved, and yet, because of the severe abuse he suffered, his inability to receive that love without succumbing to a terrified, panicked response. It's Yashiro's trauma, rooted in what his stepfather did to him for years, that's preventing him from fully embracing Doumeki's love. He wants to, but he can't.

And that's the thing, too. Yashiro has always been aware of the contradictions in himself. He spoke about it as a teenager, about how he wanted to hurt Kage, but how he knew he would be hurt if Kage rejected him. That's where Yashiro misunderstood himself, though. He never wanted to hurt Kage. That was Yashiro's warped perception of himself, the part of him that thinks he wants to destroy beautiful things. It's not that. He's always just been afraid because affection triggers him, and so he convinced himself he wants to be abused, that it's his fault he's been abused because of that, as a means of coping with the way that abuse has destroyed him.

Exacerbating all of it is Doumeki's refusal to drop his mask of indifference. Again, I'm not blaming Doumeki. He's understandably frustrated, and I think starting to become angry, because he thinks it's simply a situation in which Yashiro is refusing to be honest with him about his feelings. He thinks Yashiro is messing with him, so he responds by pretending like he feels nothing for Yashiro. I don't think he realizes that he's only affirming for Yashiro his own fears that he's managed to turn Doumeki against him, that he lost Doumeki's love for him by pushing him away before, which only makes it all the harder for Yashiro to, essentially, ask for help. And Yashiro needs help. He can't do this on his own. He can't process his trauma and explain what's happening to him, explain what he's feeling, without understanding.

I don't think Doumeki understands Yashiro right now. I don't think he understands what's wrong with him.

Yashiro thinks about Doumeki with Izumi, and thinks about himself as a teenager, alone, and correlates his seeming inability to change with that aloneness. Doumeki has moved on from him, he believes, he's found an emotional connection and partner in Izumi, while Yashiro remains stuck in the same place, forever destined to be cut off and isolated from all, human affection.

He needs help. He needs someone to help him work through this, to cope with the fact that he both longs for kindness, gentility and love, while those things also terrify and repulse him and trigger a flight response in him. Yashiro isn't doing this on purpose. He's not lying. His natural inclination and desire for love and kindness is coming into direct conflict with his trauma, with the way those things, as a consequence of the abuse he's endured, have rendered love and kindness triggering to him.

I don't think Doumeki can help him until he figures out that Yashiro isn't being dishonest, but that he's trapped by his own trauma. Until he figures that out, until he realizes just how damaged Yashiro is, he's going to keep pretending he doesn't care about him, either as a punishment, or in some crude attempt to force him into acknowledging his feelings, which ultimately is having the opposite effect. It's only pushing Yashiro into a deeper hole of self-loathing and fear, only reaffirming for him every negative thought and feelings he's ever had about himself.

[manga-meow]

[ilovesaezuru]

[gnarlystarships]

Falin is now my enemy.........stop making him less hot. youre ruining him

[every-ogata]

[spyxfamilysmol]

[thedarkeyedcaptain]

of course light eyes need to *pay* someone to be witty

[bhobbiel]

Thoughts about Chapter 57 Gentle vs Cruel. Interested in others' opinions (w respect)

chapter 57 has given me varied thoughts and has been the most confusing for me chapters. with rereads and reading other people's analysis I usually feel more clear but not this one. And I don't think I will for a while.

I have been reading analysis both here and other platforms. I read something where someone emphasized Doumeki not stopping being physical after Yashiro was feeling anxious with Doumeki's more (yashiro defined) gentle touches

And I think it is a sensitive subject but I keep thinking about it since reading that analysis. But know I am bringing this up with respect.

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I think there's a lot of ways to read it (and can be a combination of things)

-Doumeki knew that gentle sex is what Yashiro wants. Him changing the sexual action each time Yashiro asked for a change/stop was a way to be sensitive and flexible with Yashiro's wants (both of gentle sex and of feeling anxiety) so Doumeki kept changing directions as a way to address both. And this was an act of care and in a way consensual/best course of action.

They were both off guard by Yashiro pushing way. So he changed course again with topping (with Yashiro facing away) as he requested earlier.

-That was unfair of Doumeki of contiuning (versus caring flexibility). There is cruelty even in gentleness when the person cannot handle it.

-Doumeki was just doing typical foreplay before topping and just flowing to Yashiro's request

-This kind of interaction is common for both Saezuru and the genre as whole- and should be seen through that lens

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The main opinion I have is that they both look very off guard from Yashiro's shove. Doumeki's then sternly relaxes to me and understanding but heavy expression. I don't think either of them are angry. They are a bit shocked.

IMO, Yashiro looks shocked and freaked out by of his own reaction and feelings. He feels very vulnerable and looks away from Doumeki. He almost seems dare I say embarrassed? Definitely vulnerable.

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Doumeki grabbing Yashiro's arm was interesting too- with the framing it was hard to read. Him reaching to touch Yashiro's shoulder or something would have been easier to read.

it was hard to read what he was trying to do- just touch yashiro to reconnect? pull him closer? be lightly forceful?

I wonder if it was mostly a foreshadow to him later gently putting Yashiro's arm around him later (I think it was)

*A big factor which affected my initial/ current feelings for chapter 57 is

Yashiro's last thoughts. He is internally taking some responsibility in the situation (I am saying he feels responsible I am not making an argument as a reader). Whether Doumeki is "cruel or gentle" Yashiro can't fully let him in regardless. He does not focus on Doumeki continuing having sex after he turns around. He doesn't fully focus on the "throwing up" comment. Yashiro focuses on two moments where it shows disconnect of how he reacts to both cruelty and gentleness. He sounds even disappointed himself. He wants to feel unstuck imo. Even though as a reader I think he has made a lot of distance in just this evening alone- he seems like he is experiencing feeling defeated.

Very different then what he would say in the past. ex:the car ride w Doumeki arguing after they have sex (before almost dying bc of Hirata). This feels like a very unique internal monologue- even though it repeats sentiments about changing.

Him even using the word gentleness stood out to me. Because I don't think cruel and gentle are the only options. But I understand for Yashiro it is.

It is also interesting that in the past Yashiro said "with that curse I am always looking for the old you" and then has that flashback of the old Doumeki kissing his legs before pushing him.

[your-zipper-is-down]

Mui and Fuuko friendship is so precious 💖

[chdarling]

Oh my god am I the only person who didn’t realise Bel is Mrs Figg? Is it wild that I’ve not realised that until now or is it only obvious now…

Ahaha. Well, she was introduced as Arabella in her first scene, but we never got her surname so I doubt you are the only person!!

I’m so very fond of Bel and Dorcas 🥲

[every-sasuke-uchiha]

[camylaadjanny]

I'm so excited for this new chapter! What are your expectations? I really hope we finally get some more cute moments between them!

This is a spoiler for chapter 57... I'm so excited!

[manga-meow]

[dungeon-meshi-tournament]

Masterpost

[derikisu]

[every-ogata]