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alchemisland · 6 years ago

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LAX

A little something I wrote this morning. I wanted to fuck around with stream of consciousness from a first-person POV in a future dialect, a bastard hybrid-tongue, with elements of the building blocks present in German. Just some messing really. Enjoy.

There’s a formula to getting on. At my best I’m seen to like things, heard to know things and available should anything arise. Like things ironically, they can’t be used against you then. Such is our way. I have to go fast. I’m like the bankside chicken, crocs in the river, quicker than they look, out and about on the tides and on the silk, always run, always sideeyes on the look, I have to be, everyone who was ever anyone in the corpo kept sideeyes and notrust always. Some secrets are for sharing in bed maybe, just for the two of you, a little private project to protect, prescient pearls, but some of them are just for one, for me, I want to be in the corpo. I have some big ideas. See, that’s the thing. You can’t care, what are you some weird with mosttime - too much time - are you going very slow, fast is the way buddy, gotta go fast zip along that highway like a lit cracker like a bit knacker, go go go. But sametime you have to care, want to change, why else do the corpo exists if nobody is trying to change any things? I inwardly longchange, but outwardly contentmodel. When you get to the corpo you have your own office and its all private and you can work on what you secretly care about I guess a bit and nobody knows and they won’t hate you and fight out what an uglyinside you are beneath the skin.

Was it always like this? Yes.

Let’s meet for a walk. Stuff myself on the tram. Sardines against the licked glass, fogging, I can’t see what stop we’re at. Nobody stands clear of the door. Too afraid they’ll get stuck at the back and miss their stop, even though that’s never happened in the history of trams.

All bets are off. Even the nice are made brutes. Commute is the gauntlet through which we pass. A grinder for the weak, sieving out the chaff from the mid-morning warrior, wielding his laminated pass, standing in his designated spot where he knows the host is lightest, where the same portly gentleman alights each day, leaving in his wake a pocket wide enough for three normal sized people - what’s normal - skinny, skinny jeans palefaced phonejunkie - fat, fat and delighted, newfoundly powerful, exerting agency where before went powerless, bless your little porcine eyes

Me included, can’t be nice. Lose your place. Am I a loser? Fuck no. Remember, it’s about perception. I can be seen to lose, sure. Everyone loses. Napoleon. Achilles. Wild Bill. I can’t be seen to be OK with losing generally, or to not always be striving to win. Elbow on, even if you know rightly there’s no room, and that another empty tram is up its arse; why wait, I’ve waited three minutes already; elbow on and make room, fog the glass, feel its cold kiss agin your cheek.

At my stop, all manners, ask nicely while pushing, ask for money with the notes already in your pocket, sorry can I move you there love, asked more with an elbow and a shrug of the shoulder rugbylike than a real silver’d tongue.

Step off, breathe deep, alighted at last. These laminated scanner cards, for important guys who need to travel to the office every single day, where else, you don’t even need to tag off. Just on. The company, see, they want to know where you’re going. Without statistics and percentages, averages and ratios, how can they improve their service?

Capacity. That’s the political buzzword. Feeling hot under the collar when the camera flashes form a corona, ask your opponent about their plans to relieve capacity.

Well, minister, a taskforce has been implemented, whose sole duty is commuter flow and congestive relief, LAX squad, black flak gunjack jacks belt bombs bullets and me and my laminated ticket they wouldn't dare.

Ticketless scoundrels would be first. Dragged down laneways and kneecapped by the LAXers in their black flak jackets. Fat cunts next. I once watched a woman eat chips from her handbag out my bedroom window. Lifting greasy sausagefingers to and from the clashing rocks of her teeth, those golden potato lumps a less fortunate crew of argonauts than those Jason took from Thessaly. She was shiny with vinegar.

There’d be a helpline too, for helpful people who like to help out, help the authorities help society help these people help themselves. Hello is this the helpline, I’d say. Yes it is, Mr Helpful they would say. Thank you for remembering, machine, I would say. I’m a woman, said the machine - tricky like. I’d like to report a fat disgusting on the lower road, by the Smiles Institution for the Mentally Wretched.

Most of the mentals were gone. The government couldn’t afford to keep every wing open. The least wretched were transferred to the regular system, scumbag system, but even mangy bangers that bash grannies for their handbags don’t deserve to be with the Mentally Wretched, those too reptilian to be among us. You remind us too much of something we’d rather not remember, thanks. We shoo them away. Prison is not enough. Special institutions, powerful bespoke disarming elixirs, stronger elastics and fastenings. Rarely ingenuous cures. Lock them up.

Houses. They’re going to build houses for the people to live in. Rich people, buy out the scum. Stove the roof of my crannog so the rain comes through, then brick by brick build your castle around and above it, until one day the light stops streaming in that hole you made, and the last wet concrete sets on my soul.

C’mon you pricks. We need houses like a rat needs fleas. Here’s a solution. Form the lax squad for real. Not just for the trams; clean the streets. Fats, uggs, unpops, olds, differents, cunts.

Who is gonna sign up for that job? Who can be trusted to always make the right decisions? This is the genius part. If I wasn’t a writer slash commuter slash junkie slash tryhard slash huge faker slash dreamer slash cynic what else, I would be a really smart guy in the smart business realm. I have some big ideas. Pour cement over the lower classes, cultural layer.

How?

Blimps.

How does that solve the LAX dilemma?

People a. Don’t probably want to hurt strangers and b. Don’t want to be associated with stool-softening-rapiding agents.

Why not.

Have you never really needed a huge shit? I did once, up the way with Steve and like billy-o I went for the briar and scuttered and likely muttered in the winter, steam coming off the pile, stench worse than dog, cans of cider, Druids cider, did a jig and killed inside me(r).

Anyway, I know who’s going to join the LAX squad. This is the genius bit now. The mentals. Get the mentals out of the big house - I’ll detail my plans for that shortly - and get them back into society. Doing good is good for you. So, here we go.

Mentals are out, black flak jackets and chainsaws. People won’t stand for it. Why would anyone take a train where the staff occasionally kill you? Giveaways. There’s really good giveaways and extremely reasonable rates. Timing too. We keep a random element, but within strict confines. If you really, really, really aren’t up for stuffing it, we’ll say ‘Don’t get the tram this Saturday between 5-8, when emergency depopulation maintenance will be underway’.

If you can kill one of our LAX agents without a weapon, using only your bare hands, you will win 10K cash, free travel for life and immunity for your family, denoted by a yellow laminate card worn on a golden lanyard, sprayed sprayed sprayed c’mon people let’s be reasonable, I’m trying to make savings here.

Bread and circus meets Mad Max meets Eddie Hobbes, who surname is a fictional tiger and whose occupation was declawing a metaphorical tiger. What will you do with the land freed up from the Mentally Wretched?

Gorgeous houses. Modest, extremely affordable, allotments for vegetables, flowers and berries, green areas, nice paving and gravel drives, adequate parking. How will you afford this? LAX saves the day. If you’re killed by the LAX officers, they get everything - the corp. Corp work for me. I build the houses. Move all the lowers in. The bad ones.

They hear hissing. I say just heating, pipes, old Victorian brass jobs with whistles, dials, bells and sheen shine Die Glocke. Are you sure, they say. Petition.

Please check this hiss, we do most definitely certainly hear something a-hiss.

Goose I said. I have a farm of geese for you lowers this Christ day.

No they say, we have seen and heard no goose.

Did you look, I know they haven’t and it’s a trick for time. They know it’s a trick and won’t let me escape, even after I discharge the smoke bombs I had in my pocket, which were actually stinkers and we talked in the smelly, green cloud about the hissing sound and I secretly dialed for the boys. Come get me, boys. Some of these lowers is closing in. They smell bad and can’t read, which makes them basically skunks with Nike shoes, and they like things where people do things.

Watch the show about the hissing maybe, that would be a good idea for to make more money, make them pay a fee to watch their neighbors in the house trying to find the source of the hissing.

What is this hissing, daughter, ist thou vibrator on? This is how lowers speak, underpeople. Not me, smart, right smart, commuter man and going to be part of the corp with some of my ideas. Perhaps fidder, says the underdaughter, is idst thou vibrator? All laugh, others laugh other house, nobody finds the hiss and I escape.

I keep them busy arguing about all the things until the boys come. Hi boys, get them please. The unders would be forced back into their house, lower house but nice ones that I built and now the hissing is so bad you can hear it inside and out and that’s a really crazy feeling and sound, even I can hear it but I let them know?? You crazy, Joe. this is a corp game and I’m the man in the know who runs the slow got the special glow and today’s another day at the corpo.

One of the boys, I think his name was Dermot. He’s a middler and can’t ride the trains and I see his laminate is brown which is the same colour as shit and it makes me not like him and then I realized maybe why nobody was rushing to join the LAX squad, I wouldn’t want to be associated with any of the ass processes. Maybe I’ll have the name changed; I have those powers, I’m in the corpo.

He asks me what the hiss is. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about I said and we get in the car and then I don’t have to lie because the unders can’t hear, with the hissing.

He has music on, quite uncorpo stuff but good. Pale Rapist is their name. They played Frunk, the latest hellvariant from genresmith and axemaster Obscene Pete. Turn this up I said to Dermot who is in the front now driving, so the lowers can’t hear.

I says this hissing you hear he says yes I do sir. Snakes. No way, yes way snakes, where, in the walls in the foundations in the long grasses and beneath the pools, in the pipes and rafters and hollows and sinks, coiled in shoes and cupboards and shelves, I have a snake button at the office. Once I push it, all the Lowers are gone and it’s time to make some money.

Put all the snakes back, move more unders in, release the snakes. It goes on forever and it makes loads of money and sense. He’s wowed, under me, I’m from the corpo and Pale Rapist is blaring, blaring. Back to the office please and inputs the coordinates. Runes grow blue on the panel. A rift appears and the unders can hear the fabric of space tearing like wet paper even with the hissing that they think is pipes because I tricked them and they believed me, I have nice eyes and I ride the train and my lanyard glints while theirs has a little bit of string like a desiccated length of ancient sausage.

Through the rift right to HQ, big H, the corpo HQ and my office is enormous, large enough for a rift and the whole car and the lot. I step out, clear of the rift or you’ll lose more than an inch trust me, if my dick wasn’t so big I’d be worried, I could stand to lose an inch or two and still feel swole. He drives back, closes it, leaves.

Sit at the desk and the snake button is there where I asked for it, it’s pushed like an aging king from his battlements before you can say snakes coming out of every pore and eating all the lowers.

Guess what, genius idea I had already and didn’t say. The lowers and unders and middlers living elsewhere paid their fee and guess what they’re watching on PPV? New hit show. Billion viewers. Undersnake.

Which family will survive? I planted one shotgun in the under area. One underfamily will find it. If they survive it’s gonna be good news. Cash money enough to be a middler. They can watch the next season live, cousins maybe. Holy shit idea again, they can be judges, or helpers. One lifeline. You can call this vet fam and ask they sage advice in direst perils. Yeah, season two is gonna have a lot of new stuff.

Show is over, good ratings. No rift home, take the train. What time is it? Oh the one thing I love about Saturday work.

My own LAX are on the take today.

Another forty minutes. I love a challenge, dare me and dare I and how dare they, let’s have a go they would never kill the boss for I was the one who invented the LAX and now the trams run basically on time.

#writeblr #experimental #stream #flash fiction #sci fi shorts #corpo #nuspeak #future shocks #LAX squad #depopulation #corporation #short stories #spilled ink #wattpad #fiction #shorts #unders #ireland #languagefun

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jobsindemedia · 7 years ago

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Product Owner CMS/Content (Senior medewerker E-Business + Team coördinator)

Werkgever: ANWB Vacature Type: Full Time Locatie: Den Haag, wassenaarseweg 220 Je houdt je samen met het scrumteam bezig met de (door)ontwikkeling van het online platform en het content management systeem (Hippo). Dat betekent bijvoorbeeld: het implementeren van een gestructureerd contentmodel zodat gepersonaliseerde content mogelijk wordt. Waar je aan werkt Het digitale landschap van de ANWB is groter dan je denkt. Met meer dan 130 miljoen sessies per jaar op anwb.nl. Meer dan 35 miljoen sessie per jaar in 10 verschillende apps en vele duizenden digitale contactmomenten per dag. De ANWB biedt informatie, producten en services aan aan haar 4,4 miljoen leden waar ze wat aan hebben. Vanuit je rol draag je bij aan de planvorming en strategie op het gebied van het online platform en contentmanagement in brede zin binnen de ANWB. Coördineren van aandachtspunten met betrekking tot het online platform (o.a. privacy, security) en projecten (o.a. introduceren van gestructureerd contentmodel van content, vervanging van GSA) gaat je makkelijk af. Ook bereid je ons voor én zorg je dat we voorop blijven lopen op digitale ontwikkelingen door zorg te dragen voor het doorontwikkelen van ons contentmodel. Daarnaast maken we graag gebruik van jouw expertise als het gaat om het: Samen met teamleden van Digital Change en collega’s breder in de ANWB-organisatie komen tot nieuwe ideeën voor digitale kanaalontwikkeling Samenwerken met IT-ontwikkelteam(s) en scrum-master(s) zodat de productvisie daadwerkelijk gerealiseerd wordt, waarbij de PO het wat bepaalt en de ontwikkelteams het hoe. Hebben we een match? Je beschikt over HBO/WO werk- en denkniveau in een relevante richting, zoals informatiekunde, digitale communicatie, informatica, bedrijfswetenschappen etc. Verder heb je ruime ervaring met digitale kanaalontwikkeling in een omnichannel omgeving, content management systemen, (open) architecturen/API’s, search technieken, cloud diensten, etc Digitale kanaalontwikkeling in een omnichannel omgeving, content management systemen (bij voorkeur Hippo), (open) architecturen/API’s, search technieken, cloud diensten, etc kennen voor jou geen geheimen. Als achtergrond neem je mee: Intrinsieke motivatie om deze ontwikkelingen te beheersen en uit te dragen in de organisatie Ruime ervaring als product owner en met agile werken Sterke persoonlijkheid met overtuigingskracht door inhoudelijke kennis Uitstekende communicatieve vaardigheden op alle niveaus; spreekt zowel de taal van de Business als van IT Waar in de organisatie Het Digital Change team is recentelijk opgericht om de organisatie te versterken op het vlak van digitalisering. Het is een klein team in opbouw met (online) specialisten die nauw samen werken met Marketing en IT aan digitale strategie en online kanaalontwikkeling (web, app, mobiel, chat). Je rapporteert aan de manager Digital Change. Samen met Customer Experience en Customer Analytics vormt dit team de afdeling Customer & Digital. Naast de PO rollen voor online platform en online change, heeft dit team ook de digitale cultuur- en competentieontwikkeling en de borging van privacy in de marketingprocessen en -systemen als taakgebieden. Naast uitdagend werk en leuke collega’s bieden we ook een goed salaris en: Eindejaarsuitkering van 5,58 % ANWB lidmaatschap en Wegenwacht abonnement voor je auto of je fiets Bijdrage in woon-werkverkeer voor de auto Volledige vergoeding van je woon-werkverkeer voor het OV 25 verlofdagen en 13 ADV per jaar op basis van fulltime contract De mogelijkheid om te sparen voor extra verlof Volop trainings-, opleidings-, en ontwikkelingsmogelijkheden bij onze ANWB Academie Diverse collectiviteiten waaraan je deel kunt nemen, met interessante kortingen en regelingen op alle ANWB producten en diensten Prima pensioenregeling Salarisschaal 14: min. € 3.274,08 – max. € 5.993,04 bruto per maand Het bericht Product Owner CMS/Content (Senior medewerker E-Business + Team coördinator) verscheen eerst op The Best Social Jobs. http://dlvr.it/QnWjVj

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