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lookwhatyoumademedohaha · 1 year

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And that kids is, how I met your mother Chapter 3 - Call it what you want

All my flowers grew back as thorns Windows boarded up after the storm He built a fire just to keep me warm All the drama queens taking swings All the jokers dressin' up as kings They fade to nothin' when I look at him

And I know I make the same mistakes every time Bridges burn, I never learn, at least I did one thing right I did one thing right I'm laughin' with my lover, makin' forts under covers Trust him like a brother, yeah, you know I did one thing right Starry eyes sparkin' up my darkest night

Summary: Nikolai Lantsov is sick and you take care of him and both of you have epiphanies as you let your guard down.

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x Reader, Nikolai Lantsov x Six of Crows Reader, Kaz Brekker x Reader, Zoya Nazyalensky x Reader (Platonic), Nina Zenik x Reader (Platonic), Genya Safin x Reader (Platonic)

Warnings: Pure tooth rotting fluff, angst and comfort, lots of humor, unrequited love that might be requited, denial, pining, mentions of death and violence, nightmares, mentions of traumatic childhood and sickness, references to It’s Okay Not to Be Okay TV Show.

A/N: Hi everyone! I’m very grateful for your kindness, love and support that means the world to me! After a long wait, here is the long anticipated and awaited Chapter 3 to this work, you have all been waiting for patiently so thank you for your patience! I hope you all like it and I’m excited! Let me know your thoughts and comments on my work because it means a lot to me! I love you all! Happy reading!

Chapter 1 - Until I Found Her

Chapter 2 - Labyrinth

Chapter 4 - Someone to Stay

Chapter 5 - Cornelia Street

You had no reason to be here.

In fact, you should have been outside enjoying the nice sunshine, the lovely fragrance of flowers and cool wind. You could be anywhere at the moment. You could be training with Zoya, taking walks with Genya and David or just gossiping with Nina over your favorite sweets and hot tea.

But here you were in Nikolai Lantsov’s chambers as you gazed at him, his blonde hair messed and disheveled, beads of sweat running down his forehead as he muttered in feverish delirium.

Nikolai had been unwell for three days. The Healer who had been annoyed by your irritating disposition of questioning them in worry had stated that it was a fever with a cold and cough that would last a week but Nikolai would be fine. But that didn’t ease the anxiety and worry that coiled in your stomach every time you looked at Nikolai’s pale, sweaty and feverish face. He looked no better than he was the past days. Nikolai had met you in the morning three days ago looking rather unwell and when you suggested he should go rest, he had collapsed onto the ground unconscious. The feeling of dread and worry that you had felt in that moment still lingered with you.

You knew you should leave now. You had stayed long enough. You had been by Nikolai’s bedside for the past three days watching over him, looking after him, nursing him and holding his hand in his feverish delirium when he called out for you. You didn’t plan to stay with him but something about Nikolai lying so still and unmoving made you brave through your loathing for sickbeds as you dabbed cool towels on his forehead and fed him gently through his bleary consciousness where he was barely awake. You first had insisted on sitting there watching him but Nina had persuaded you to eat and sleep. When Nikolai was asleep, you would read to him, talk to him, help Zoya, Genya and David with state affairs and brighten up Nikolai’s room with flowers.

Now you were staring at Nikolai who was burning up with fever as you desperately dabbed a watery cold cloth on his forehead as you looked at him helplessly.

You didn’t know why you were crying. It was maybe because you hated sitting near sick people waiting for them to wake up. It was maybe because you missed Nikolai who was loud, joked around and smiled brightly and it scared you that he was lying on the dozens of pillows pale and sickly, weak and unconscious. You admonished yourself for being childish and silly as you wiped away your tears that you knew wouldn’t change anything. Crying didn’t bring what you lost.

You wiped away your tears as you looked at Nikolai earnestly and honestly and then lightly slapped him on his cheek “ Listen to me, you ridiculous boy. I don’t care if you get better or not... there are plenty of ridiculous, silly, idiotic kings who I can become friends with. But... I’m going to give you one more chance, Nikolai Lantsov.”

You squeezed his hand gently as you smiled softly at him and didn’t let go. As the moments passed by, the sleepiness overtook you and you drifted into sleep next to Nikolai, your book forgotten on your lap.

After an hour, Nikolai stirred through the darkness of his consciousness, feeling heavy headed and sore as everything ached within him. The light struck his sleepy and bleary eyes that fluttered open as his mouth felt like sandpaper and his body ached in exhaustion and pain. His head thrummed in pain as he shifted himself upwards feeling something soft and steady in his hand. Nikolai blinked as his eyes landed upon you lounged lazily on a chair next to his bed as your hair was a mop of messy tangled hair as your head lay on his bed next to his hand you were holding onto tightly.

Nikolai’s jaw dropped in surprise as he blinked and then once hoping that this wasn’t a dream as he stared complete surprise and wonder unfurling and blooming in his chest at the sight of you sleeping next to him, waiting for him to wake up. It looked uncomfortable to sleep like that and Nikolai wondered how many days, hours you had been there next to him. Nikolai had never expected anyone to be there next to his bed when he woke up. He had never had anyone waiting for him to wake up and inquire whether he was fine when he was sick. They only cared about the King’s good health not about how the boy was feeling.

Seeing your head lying down on his bed as you squeezed his hand gently and tightly made a lump of emotion grow in his throat, as his fingers quietly traced little patterns on your skin. Nikolai’s lips twitched into a small smile as he stared at your peaceful expression, relaxed stance as you slept deeply and he knew this was something he wanted forever.

At that very moment, the door opened as Nina walked in startling Nikolai from the blissful and intimate moment he was enjoying as she observed in gladness that he was awake “Saints! Thank the Saints, you are alive and awake! Y/N was driving everyone crazy around here!”

Nikolai’s throat was parched as Nina handed over a glass of water to him and he didn’t miss the teasing smirk she threw at him as she looked at his hand intertwined in yours as you slept next to him “Nina Zenik... how long was I out?”

“Three days. You were having a raging fever with a really bad cough and cold.” said Nina honestly as she handed over another glass of water to a thankful Nikolai who drank it greedily and Nina smirked as she nodded toward you “Well, well... you two seem to be very cozy with each other.”

Nikolai nearly choked on his water as he started coughing “I - this - nothing happened between us! I woke up like this and she was just holding my hand!”

“Uh huh? So why are you still holding onto her hand?” asked Nina with a teasing grin while Nikolai glared at Nina, his head hurting really badly and Nina laughed knowingly “Don’t wake her up. She has had no proper sleep staying next to you all the time these three days.”

“What?” queried Nikolai stunned and shocked at the revelation of you staying by his bedside every moment of the three days where he tossed and turned in sickness and restlessness. Nikolai felt something odd and wonderful bloom in his chest as he wondered why you would do that for him. “Y/N... she was here with me all this time?”

“Oh yeah. Such a stubborn ass, wouldn’t leave you alone. She insisted on nursing you and looking after you. She nearly strangled and had a shouting match with the Healer because you weren’t getting better.” said Nina honestly and sincerely, her lips twitching into a small smirk at remembering how today morning Zoya, Genya and her had to calm down a fight between you and a Healer who had argued about the best course of medicine to be taken. “I’ve never seen her so worried about anyone.”

Nikolai’s eyes glinted in amusement and surprise as he looked at you softly amazed at how protective and worried you had been over him. There you were resting deeply, your head wandering in peaceful and sweet dreams where your worries and nightmares were washed away.

“I didn’t know.” whispered Nikolai in amazement wanting to run his fingers through your hair. “I suppose it’s natural for her to be worried about her friends.”

“No. Y/N hates sickbeds. Loathes it with her life. She hates getting sick and sick people. She doesn’t really stay by anyone’s side when they are sick because...” said Nina quietly and softly with a protective gleam in her eyes and cut off her sentence, stopping herself from revealing anything important “This is the first time she’s stayed by a sickbed... so you must be someone very important to her.”

Nikolai looked over at you. You hated sickbeds so much and yet you had stayed firmly by his side, refusing to leave him. He wondered why you hated sickbeds and what changed your mind about staying next to him. Why were you beside him when you could leave and spare yourself the horror?

Nikolai was greeted by Zoya and Genya and the Healer who was sent for. Nikolai noted that the Healer sent a look of relief at the fact that you were sleeping as he was examined by the Healer. As the Healer finished examining him and spoke about his quick recovery if he adhered to bed rest and drinking his medicine, you stirred awake from your deep slumber as your eyes fluttered open and you groaned as you hoisted yourself up to meet his hazel eyes. Nikolai saw your eyes widen in pleasant surprise and grateful relief as they darted across his face and swore your hand tightened on his with gladness. Nikolai saw you take in your surroundings as you blushed when you saw Zoya, Genya and Nina grin and waggle their eyebrows in teasing.

But your demeanor grew stiff when you saw the Healer who prescribed tonics and rattled out cures that frankly you didn’t believe as you questioned the Healer skeptically making Nikolai hide an amused grin and the Healer breathe out in exasperation “Out of the both of us, I believe I have studied the intricate art of human anatomy thoroughly. Therefore, I don’t think I need your suggestions.”

You glared at the Healer as you pursed your lips while Zoya, Genya and Nina quickly ushered the Healer who threw you a dirty glance out of the room while you carefully inspected one of the tonics given for a coughing fit.

“You shouldn’t have been that hard on her. After all, she knows what she is doing.” said Nikolai quietly in amusement as he stared at you inspecting his medicine skeptically.

“I studied medicine at the University of Ketterdam and apprenticed with one of the finest medik for a few months.” you said pleasantly as you rolled your eyes at Nikolai “I think I know far more than I let people know.”

“What? When? How?” spluttered Nikolai in bemusement and surprise at the very shocking revelation because he couldn’t imagine you dilligently studying medicine at the University of Ketterdam.

“For a mission to retrieve information.” you replied shortly and then kept the medicine away as you looked at Nikolai who had, had better days “So... you’re not dead.”

“Sorry to disappoint. It didn’t suit me.” replied Nikolai playfully with a grin as you smiled softly “Were you crying over me, Y/N? Tears of sorrow?”

You glared at him fiercely as he laughed “Tears of joy. I hate finding new Kings to befriend.”

“Ah. Why did you stay with me here while I was sick?” queried Nikolai curiously with a small smile but his heart wanted to know the truth as to why you cared so much. “You could have entertained yourself with the delights of the palace.”

“I didn’t want you to feel alone when you woke up.” you said softly and quietly, your face gleaming in thoughtful contemplation as your eyes glinted in understanding and companionship that took Nikolai’s breath away “I know a little of how that feels like and I never want anyone to feel that way.”

“Well, I’m sick and tired so if you want... you can tell me how you know the feeling of being alone.” proposed Nikolai softly as he looked at you intensely, his breath catching in wonder and affection.

You were silent for a long moment as your eyes strayed into a land where Nikolai could not follow as your face grew deadly quiet and reminiscent as you finally spoke “My mother, brother and I came to Ketterdam when I was little. I barely remember my village. Ketterdam became my home the moment we stepped foot there. We were hungry, poor and alone in the land of the wicked.”

“My mother did odd jobs. I remember her always complaining about how she should have had no children, then there would be no mouths to feed. My brother...” you trailed softly in quiet remembrance as pain and grief seeped in your eyes as a flicker of a tiny smile appeared on your face while Nikolai listened in rapt attention “My brother... was big on dreaming. He wasn’t like my ma... he was very positive. He would always be tired after his day but he never went without teaching me every day and dropping me off at the library, encouraging me to read and talk with him. He’d have these crazy ideas on how to change the world... how we both could do it. He had a dream that he’d save up enough money one day so I could attend university and ‘become a lady’, he called it.”

Nikolai smiled at the description of your big brother that he thought he would like to meet as he replied quietly “I like him. He sounds like a lad full of hope. I’d bet we’d get along famously if we ever met.”

Your eyes flickered with grief but you smiled at the thought of these two boys meeting but your smile was brief. Nikolai watched your face harden with steel and grief as your eyes were full of tidal waves of fury and suffering as you gripped the arm rests of your chair so tightly that your knuckles grew completely white.

Nikolai felt concerned at the sudden change as he leaned toward you because he had never seen your kind and good - humored demeanor suddenly and quickly change into one of vengeance and fury fueled with grief and broken trust.

“You can meet him. If you plan on dying.” you retorted quietly but there was a cutting edge to your voice that took Nikolai’s breath away as the overwhelming realization of the truth of where your brother was hit him hard.

Nikolai’s eyes widened with concern and understanding “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want your pity.” you replied harshly as you looked away from Nikolai “People die all the time. It’s what defines life. Nothing lasts forever.”

Nikolai didn’t understand how to comfort you because what could he say that would fill the hole the loss of a loving brother left in your heart? He wanted to say so many things to you. He wanted to hold you in his arms and never let you go. He wanted you to know that he understood the grief of losing a brother too. Nikolai wanted to take away all the grief and sadness that spoiled your life and grant you nothing but happiness and love all your life.

“When the firepox plague hit Ketterdam, my brother and I got hit with it. My brother wasn’t struck down badly as I was... I was dying. My mama told us we’ll be fine, that finally she had found a medik who would treat both of us... treat me and give both of us the medicine. We believed her... we thought we’d soon get better together.” you said quietly and reminiscently as you remembered the coughing fits and burning fever that made you delirious as you held onto your brother who stroked your hair gently and told you stories and sang you gentle lullabies giving you hope.

“The firepox made me delirious and weak... weaker than my brother. The last thing I remember about my Y/B/N is seeing my mother hand a few kruge to the medik with a lily tattoo who gave her more kruge and dragged away my struggling brother. My spinning feverish head thought he’d come back all cured.” you said with a dark gleam in your tearful eyes as you fiddled with a purple ribbon that you had tied around your finger, your heart feeling bitter and broken as you had realized the truth far too late. “I tried to call out his name but I couldn’t speak and before I could do anything... my mother laughed and knocked me unconscious.”

“When I woke up... I was on the street all alone. I was meant to die but somehow I survived.” you whispered softly as you looked at Nikolai whose expression was one of horror and shock as he stared at you wide eyed in amazement and pain as you felt incredible grief and agony within you “Alone in Ketterdam... I learnt to fend for myself. After I really realized what happened to my brother, all I did was try to find my brother.”

There was only one thought that echoed in your head after you woke up, in every moment of your waking hours and dreams after you survived and motivated you to keep going.

“I need to find Y/B/N. I need to find him. I need to make sure he’s okay. No matter how far away you are, where they have taken you, I’m coming for you and I will never stop until you are safe!”

“I did everything. I tugged on every string and listened for every whisper and waited patiently and sharpened my skills because I knew he was alive. I felt it in my heart.” you said honestly and quietly with thoughtfulness and reminiscence in your eyes that met Nikolai’s curious and shocked hazel eyes that gleamed with empathy for you as you remembered how you had met the Devil himself “I tugged on one of the strings Kaz was working on and he helped me with his contacts and finding information on slavers and indentures.”

“I finally found Y/B/N. He was alive. And I knew I wouldn’t rest until he was safe. The plan was we free those captured along with my brother. I remember I managed to free him with the help of the Crows but the slavers wouldn’t let him escape easily. One of the men tried to shoot me but my stupid brother... took the shot meant for me! He was so brave until the end... and I hate him for that.” you spat out in anger and pain as your eyes were filled with tears that trickled down your cheeks, the bottled suffering and grief suddenly uncorked and broken as you remembered how you had let out an inhumane howl as your brother caressed your cheek and asked you to smile for him one last time as he tried to tell you everything you didn’t get to tell him.

You remembered his last moments clearly as if it was yesterday.

“You listen to me. You’re going to be alone now. You’re going to be furious, angry and sad. Whatever happens next, wherever you go... always be kind and brave.” breathed Y/B/N harshly as you tried to stop the blood from flowing out while the rest of your friends looked upon you respectfully with sadness as you shook your head in denial and pain and your brother held your hand tightly as he could while Nina was trying her best to save him “Please... this is an order. Don’t you dare turn into a monster... don’t insult my memory. There will be no revenge. I will die... and no one will get hurt.”

Kaz had looked at you intently as you gazed upon your brother in stunned disbelief and denial, your hands warm with his blood as you cried “What about me?”

“Let’s both be brave.” he whispered softly as he pressed a soft kiss onto your hand, his eyes fluttering as the light began to fade.

“No! No! Stay with me! Stay with me! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do this!” you screamed and shrieked as tears fell down your cheeks in big fat drops, heartbreak and disbelief written all over your face as you tried to stop Death from taking your brother.

“Smile for me... one last time... my brave princess...” whispered your brother with a brave and reassuring smile of his own as he tried to wipe away your tears while you couldn’t understand why he wasn’t fighting to live as you managed to smile a little for him and his face grew content and happy as he drew his last breath “Don’t worry... in your dreams, I’ll still be there.”

“Please don’t leave me! Please, I won’t leave you! Stay with me!” you sobbed in piercing agony and suffering because you had never felt this type of pain in your life, the pain that tore you open and made you bleed until there was nothing left as you buried your head into your brother but suddenly there were more gun shots, Jesper trying to drag you away from your brother but you were being stubborn until you heard a rough salt stone voice apologize quietly as he dragged you screaming away from your dead brother’s corpse.

“Y/N!” exclaimed Nikolai’s concerned voice interrupted the flashback as you came back to reality startled and alarmed. “Y/N!”

“I’m fine. I just remembered.” you answered quietly with a sad smile that made Nikolai’s heart ache with hurt and pain at the sadness that tugged at your eyes. “Do you want to know how the story ends? What I did to those who killed my brother?”

Nikolai took a sharp intake of breath as he felt his heart pound loudly in his chest as he stared in quiet shock and understanding at you, the darkness within you that had been unleashed freely in front of him as it taunted him. Your darkness and mercilessness that you had displayed with vengeance and cruelty came to light in front of him and seemed to laugh at him, challenging him to truly see you for who you were and asked him whether he could truly love a girl with blood on your hands. Nikolai looked into your eyes dark with mercilessness and vengeance and saw that whatever you did to those who had taken your brother from you, they had suffered until their last breath more than they could handle.

You challenged him to leave you. You were hoping that he would be afraid of you and run away.

Well tough luck because Nikolai was here to stay.

“I don’t care what you did to them.” replied Nikolai with surety and certainty that surprised you. “I care about how you feel.”

“You won’t hate me if I told you I tried my best to obey my brother, to not insult his memory with bloodshed but I failed because my spite and anger got the best of me? That I couldn’t rest until I had ripped out their heart as they did mine? That before they died, I taunted them with their worst fears and demons? That when they died, their last thought was nothing but fear and shame, screaming for me to have mercy on their loved ones? That I skinned them and hung their heads in the Fifth Harbor as a warning to all slavers?” you questioned, sitting in your hurt and pain as you remembered how you had been vicious and cruel in your quest for vengeance, your spite and hatred clouding your heart as you unforgivingly snatched away the lives of those men.

There was utter and complete silence between them as you looked into Nikolai’s hazel eyes flickering with soft understanding and quiet empathy as he stared back at you as if he was seen you for the first time and finally he spoke, his voice barely a whisper as he extended his hand to you “I can only assure you that I hope they knew the meaning of pain and regretted snatching your brother’s life in their last moments.”

Your eyes widened in shock because you didn’t expect Nikolai to understand you and agree with you. You had expected him to gasp in shock and push you away in loathing and hatred. You had expected him to see the truth of your darkness and the devil you saw in the mirror and feel nothing but anger and loathing toward your twisted and crooked ways and choices. You hadn’t expected him to understand your bitter past and all the times you couldn’t be good and sweet in this world.

You looked at Nikolai who extended his hand toward you in welcome as you reluctantly placed your shaking hand in his as his fingers wrapped around your hand reassuringly and tightly, a promise to stand by you through your darkest times glinting in his hazel eyes.

“The worst thing you’ve ever done, the darkest thought you ever had, I’ll stand by you through it all.” whispered Nikolai sincerely and softly, with staggering honesty and affection in his hazel eyes that took your breath away.

You couldn’t breath for a moment as you met his unwavering gaze and spoke hoarsely in disbelief “And why would you do that?”

“Because...” began Nikolai, the three words dancing on the tip of his tongue in certainty ready to spill out but he felt scared at confessing those sacred words that could change everything “Because you’re my friend and I won’t leave you.”

Nikolai saw your eyes flicker in surprise and warmth at his confession as you looked at him in quiet gratitude and wonder as you held onto his hand, a small smile appearing on your face as you were lost for words and he squeezed your hand “Did you love your brother?”

Nikolai saw your brow furrow with pain and grief as you glared fiercely at him in response and he looked at you gently “Then stop blaming yourself and hating him for what he did. He died for who he loved the most in this world and believed that your life was worth living.”

You felt a lump of emotion swell up in your throat as tears pricked your eyes and you looked away because this grief was a tidal wave that you thought you could survive but a part of you felt empty and useless as you croaked out “It just feels - it doesn’t feel fair. He had a life ahead of him. I could have... I could have saved him but I just froze.”

“This - it’s just - it feels as if a part of me died with him that night. Whatever I do, he won’t be there.” you said as a tear rolled down your cheek as you felt the grief that had persevered in the form of love for your brother “It’s been years and not a day goes by that I don’t miss him. I loved him so much!”

Nikolai understood the pain and grief of losing someone he loved deeply. He truly understood the pain and suffering that overwhelmed him at the remembrance of seeing the light fade away in the eyes of his best friend and brother, Dominik as bullets flew overheard them and explosions were the sound of his heart breaking. He felt tears prick his eyes as he remembered how Dominik had taken the bullet for him willingly with such courage and fervor, with the belief that Nikolai would be the one to make Ravka right again.

“I know.” said Nikolai sincerely as he shifted toward you, both of his hands reaching out to cup your hand in his as he pressed a gentle kiss on your knuckles as you cried “I understand. But I have a feeling nothing was going to stop him from saving you.”

You sniffled as you felt that Nikolai wasn’t talking about just your brother, he was speaking from a deeper, tragic experience from his past that was full of grief and suffering for him after losing someone he loved as well as you buried your face in his hands, your lips gently brushing a kiss on his knuckles as you squeezed his hand comfortingly as you realized this was the second time you had let yourself truly break down.

The first time you had broken down was with Kaz. After your brother died, you had lost sight of all meaning and purpose of life as you silently screamed and drowned in the abyss of pain and grief. You had lost appetite, the light in your eyes had extinguished, tears and regret were your constant companion as you locked yourself in your room. Your friends had tried to help you but they didn’t understand you as you pushed them away.

But you hadn’t expected Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, the heartless bastard to sit outside your room and keep you company as you cried your heart out, bring you food and sustenance that he forcefully fed you, sit in quiet silence with you, stand in the rain waiting for you as you sat by your brother’s grave on the day of his funeral not moving for a long time as you tried to comprehend reality and quietly confide little pieces of his past about Jordie as he made your grief, anger, vengeance and pain understood and seen. His gestures had been quiet but it had meant the world to you. Perhaps that was when you had started to fall for Kaz Brekker without even knowing.

You took a deep breath as you wiped away your tears with the sleeve of your black shirt. You suddenly realized that it wasn’t your shirt. It was Kaz’ shirt, one of the many you had stolen from him and he had let you borrow it with that little smile of his as he reassured you that you looked better in it with that sly twinkle in his dark eyes. You had always felt safe and cozy in his shirt as you felt a sudden sense of quiet pain and soft affection bloom in your heart for the Bastard of the Barrel who had found a way to be with you through all these miles. It smelled like him, cuttingly comforting and honest as the fragrance of sharp mint and clean soap seeped into your senses making you feel dizzy.

“Y/N?” asked Nikolai with furrowed eyebrows as he looked at you who looked lost in your thoughts “Kruge for your thoughts? Does my presence bore you so much that you are lost in thoughts of a certain enigmatic Bastard of the Barrel who broke your heart?”

“What? No!” you exclaimed shaking your head in denial and surprise at how well Nikolai could read you as a faint color seeped into your cheeks. “I wasn’t thinking of him!”

Nikolai’s heart cracked in hurt and pain as he coughed but shook his head slightly as he smiled sadly “You have an expression when you think of him. It’s wistful and sad with a touch of fond happiness. Your eyes... they do this thing when you think of him where you are smiling and happy but your eyes are big and sad. It’s like you’re feeling two emotions at once.”

You were surprised at how sharply Nikolai had observed you and understood you as you were silent for a few moments and you finally found your tongue “I - I - I just got lost in my thoughts. That’s all.”

“Do you miss him?” asked Nikolai, feeling a sharp pain in his heart as he thought of your head full of thoughts only of Kaz Brekker.

There was a long moment of silence as you looked at Nikolai so intensely with quiet contemplation as you tugged on the sleeve of your shirt and whispered “Sometimes.”

Nikolai felt a spark of hope light up in his heart as he felt your gaze burn him intensely and passionately as he realized that you were beginning to perhaps take tiny steps to move away from Kaz without you knowing it. He felt breathless as he felt your quiet burning gaze on him, making him feel warm and tethered, dizzy and happy. There was something in the way you looked at him now that had changed. Your eyes smiled softly and fondly with sparks of affection when you looked at him and Nikolai felt his head spin not entirely from the fever at the thought of you loving him back.

Nikolai was tongue tied and speechless as he looked away trying to squash the traitorous hope in him that had blossomed since the last night they had spent together at the ball and now was lit afire at the way you were looking at him, looking so beautiful as you sat by his bedside when you could have been doing anything in the world.

“Are you thinking or have you finally found a way to be silent as a grave?” you remarked sassily as you looked fondly with a teasing smile observing Nikolai who had fallen into a thoughtful and confused contemplation.

Nikolai smiled softly “No... just thinking.”

“Don’t think too much, it might hurt that pretty head of yours.” you snarked with a fond and teasing smile as you observed Nikolai who looked exhausted and sick as his eyes fluttered shut for a moment “What are you thinking about?”

“It’s nothing.” said Nikolai tiredly as he lay back on the pillows, his head aching profusely and stubbornly as he closed his eyes and you didn’t press and prod further.

You reached for the medicine that lay on the cabinet as you realized that Nikolai needed to drink his medicine and took them into your hands when Nikolai opened his eyes “What are you doing, my love?”

You ignored the fluttering in your stomach at the little endearment Nikolai used to address you as you poured the medicine in the indicated dosages “You need to drink your medicine, Nikolai to get - SAINTS, NIKOLAI, DON’T TRY TO RUN!”

Nikolai’s eyes widened with horror at those words as he tried to get up, his body aching with pain as he tried to run away but he got tangled up in the dozens of pillows and blankets as he cursed ignoring your shouting, and when he finally managed to stand up, he felt you hold him from behind preventing him from leaving the bed.

Nikolai struggled and screamed, kicking his legs like a little child while you snapped “Come on, be a good boy and take your medicine to get well - OUCH, YOU WRETECHED TERROR, DID YOU FUCKING BITE ME?”

Nikolai grinned widely as he tried to slip away from your grasp feeling slightly bad for you but he was not going to take his medicine as he heard you admonish him “Nikolai, I swear, I’m sick of you! Come here now before I make you!”

“OH YEAH? TRY ME!” challenged Nikolai as he managed to stand up and wobble with the bloody blankets wrapped around him.

You were not going to tolerate Nikolai biting you and challenging your authority as the responsible caregiver in this situation as you took off your earrings “Oh no, oh hell no! You see, I’ve been treating you with respect like a King but I forgot what you really are... a whining brat waiting to be punished!”

Nikolai was stunned for a moment as he felt his soul leave his body at your words and the furious and commanding glint in your dark eyes as you cornered him and leapt upon him making him scream, your legs wrapping around his waist tightly as you pushed him back onto the bed with no hesitation and mercy as he fell back to the bed, tangled up with the blankets and you on top of him.

You were on top of him, your legs wrapped around him as you held him down by the shoulders, your face just inches away from his. Nikolai was going to die. This was how Nikolai died. Not bravely in battle. Not saving anyone’s life. Not peacefully in a deathbed. No, Nikolai knew he was going to die because you were now holding him down with a wicked grin that was going to be the death of him because he was having multiple heart attacks at the fact the girl of his dreams who he loved with all his heart was on top of him with a deliciously wicked smirk, your eyes glinting in amusement.

“I told you not to test me, you wretched brat!” you exclaimed in exasperation as you slapped Nikolai twice on the cheek making him groan in submissive enjoyment and slight pain.

Nikolai was sick but he had to admit this was a pleasant outcome of having fever and cold as he smirked “Saints, I’m loving the view. Care to slap me again?”

“I am not going to give you the satisfaction.” you replied, your cheeks coloring a rosy pink much to Nikolai’s delight as you took the medicine and he wriggled underneath you trying to escape but you had a hold on him “Nikolai, don’t make this harder than it already is! If you don’t drink the medicine -”

“What are you going to do? Spank me?” challenged Nikolai with a teasing twinkle in his eyes as he grinned at your flustered blushing expression but his thoughts were now in a place of pleasure and delight with you and him, nothing but kisses on your skin and hearing you scream out his name.

You spluttered but schooled your expression into a stern and honest one as you replied coolly “No. If you don’t take the medicine and behave yourself... I’m going to leave Ravka tonight and never come back again.”

Nikolai froze underneath you in shock because he didn’t believe you, only thinking that this was just a trick to get him to drink his medicine “You’re lying.”

You slipped away from Nikolai easily and he winced at the loss of contact with you as he itched to reach out and wrap his arms around you to keep you close to him and you replied completely seriously “Make smart choices if you don’t want to find out the truth.”

Nikolai flinched as he looked at you because he didn’t want to believe that you’d leave him in this state. He didn’t want to believe that you would leave him and never come back for him. But the truth was, why would you stay? There was nothing tying you down to Ravka and he was just a friend to you, a companion who you were friendly with during your holiday. Ketterdam was where your heart was.

Nikolai suddenly felt that he didn’t want to find out the truth and thought the bitter medicine was a better option than have you leave his side as he snatched the medicine from your hands “You win, you impossible girl.”

Nikolai saw a small smile appear on your face and he felt warmth bloom in his chest at making you smile and thought he’d always let you win to see you smile as you gave him his medicine “See, that’s better. Here drink these. You’ll feel better.”

Nikolai pouted as he took the first dose of medicine and promptly started coughing at how bitter it was as he felt you pat his back sympathetically and he exclaimed “THIS TASTES LIKE ROTTEN EGGS AND DEATH!”

“Is there such a taste?” you queried curiously as you hid your amused laughter and you were shot a glare by Nikolai “You have to drink the other two as well, Nikolai.”

“I rather die.” said Nikolai dramatically as he crossed his arms with the privileged air of a spoiled king.

“If you drink the medicine, I’ll kiss you when you’re better.” you said casually as Nikolai started coughing in shock at your words.

“Don’t tease me.” retorted Nikolai looking at you in disbelief and surprise, as his jaw dropped in amazement because he couldn’t handle the thought of you kissing him properly.

“I’m not! I swear on my honor!”

“You don’t have much of that. You’re from Ketterdam.”

“Alright, fine. I’ll leave, you stubborn ass!” you exclaimed as you put your hands up in the air in surrender, pretending to walk out and leave when Nikolai immediately surrendered to you.

“No, no! I’ll be good! Please don’t leave me!” exclaimed Nikolai immediately not wanting you to leave him alone as he quickly drank the medicine you had given him.

You were surprised at his earnestness and sincerity in wanting you to stay as he finished drinking the medicine with a disgusted expression and groaned “The things I do for you, my dearest Y/N.”

Nikolai felt drowsy as the medicine sank in and his eyes fluttered with exhaustion and he sank into the cozy pillows as he suddenly felt the exhaustion catch up with him. He felt sticky, dirty and sweaty, the fever making him feel absolutely unclean. He wanted a bath but it was just so hard to move. As if you had read his mind, Nikolai can hear you ordering for a warm bath for him. Nikolai wants to call out your name, reassure that he doesn’t need you to do everything for him but the fatigue overwhelms him as he tries to stay awake.

And besides, Nikolai feels that it would be nice... just for once to have someone take care of him. Even though that thought deeply offends him because he hates feeling so weak, so dependent on someone.

“Nikolai.” he hears his name called out gently and sweetly by you as he jolts awake from the place of sleep he had almost fallen to.

He sees you gently looking at him in concern “Nikolai, the bath is ready.”

Nikolai stands up on his own. He is sick but he isn’t weak. He can do this on his own without help as he takes a few steps, his vision slightly blurring and he realizes that it’s taking more energy than usual to walk. His legs tremble but he is determined that he won’t fall. He is grateful that you are not fussing and coddling over him. He doesn’t need help.

He almost makes it to the bath when his trembling knees and buckle and give away. You catch him before he falls down and Nikolai hates the feeling of being so helpless and wants to just push you away and reassure you that he can do this on his own.

“I can do this -” began Nikolai in wavering determination as he looked at you in exhaustion but you interrupt softly.

“I know you can.”

But you don’t let go of Nikolai as you guide him to the bath gently and steadily, your hands holding him gently enough to reassure him that you were there for him but also showing him that he could break away from you any moment he liked. Nikolai sees the golden gilded bathtub with steaming warm water and feels you let go of him as you help him sit down on a stool and then turns around. Nikolai thinks you will leave and as much as he wants it, he feels weak.

But you stay, your back turned toward him as you remain silent while Nikolai takes off his sweat soaked clothes. He wants to ask why you are staying with him but a part of him is just too exhausted and grateful that you are present with him. Nikolai looks over at you in curiosity mingled with teasing amusement and quiet thoughtfulness as he wonders what your reaction would be to his naked body. Women around him swooned and never hid their desires when he was fully clothed. He wanted to know what the one he desired was feeling at this very moment. Did you desire him too? But you didn’t seem moved at all by the fact that Nikolai, the King of Ravka was undressing behind you. Nikolai was not shy about his body and for some strange reason, he felt safe with you and trusted you not to be lewd in this situation.

Nikolai dips himself into the bathtub, the warm water kissing his aching muscles and calming his mind. He reaches for the sponge only to drop it along with a few bath salts. He groans wanting to stand up and reach for the sponge but he just couldn’t bring himself to move.

You hear the clattering and turn around to see Nikolai weakly looking at the fallen sponge and the bath salts. Your eyes meet his vulnerable hazel eyes and you suddenly feel heat creep up your neck at this unusual situation. You knew Nikolai could handle himself but he just looked so small and vulnerable, weak and exhausted by the sickness. You avert your eyes from his well chiseled and handsome body as you dispose of his filthy clothes and pick up the bath salts arranging them in order and pick up the sponge under Nikolai’s curious gaze.

Nikolai feels his heart beating loudly as he feels small and vulnerable, naked with the woman who he is head over heels in love with as he sees you avert your eyes respectfully. He expects something, a reaction but you just busy yourself with arranging bath salts.

Well, this was the first in all his encounters in his wild youth. He had certainly never had a woman avert her eyes away from his body in such a compromising situation and you surprised him with your innocent reaction.

Nikolai sees you look at his face, your eyes never shifting downwards and feels something odd and quiet bloom in his chest as he slips down into the tub relishing the warmth of the water and comes up. He looks away from you expecting you to hand the sponge and leave with some sarcastic remark or flirtatious remark but you stop by the bath instead. Nikolai can feel your gentle presence waiting for him and lifts his eyes to meet your quiet eyes that holds the sponge that is easily within his reach.

But your eyes speak what silently echoes among both of you as you seek permission from Nikolai.

“Can I take care of you?”

Nikolai wants to take the sponge and do this himself to prove that he isn’t helpless. But there’s something gentle and tender in your eyes that stops him. And Nikolai is really exhausted. He wasn’t just exhausted by the sickness, he was exhausted with running Ravka, dealing with ignorant ministers who were blind to the needs of people, exhausted of compromising and smiling, exhausted of being different versions of himself that the people needed and wanted him to be. It would be nice to have someone take care of him for once in his life.

Especially if that someone was you.

Nikolai meets your eyes and gives the tiniest of nods daring you to have the bravery to stay and you nod at him as you sit next to the bathtub.

You slow your pace of breathing and steady yourself as you dip the sponge in water before lathering some soap in it and waits for Nikolai to initiate contact. Nikolai raises his arm out of the water and you take it gently and tentatively, bringing it closer to you as you slowly and gently begin to wipe the sponge under the space between his fingers, the top of his knuckles, the skin of his hand and palm. You notice that Nikolai isn’t moving or wincing at your contact and you continue to do so gently.

Meanwhile Nikolai was having a heart attack. He was certain he was having a heart attack because his heart had never raced this fast before. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t move, his feelings of shock, surprise, amazement and wonder were clouding his screaming mind as he stared at your thoughtful concentrated face in breathless awe wondering for a moment whether he was having a fever dream. He couldn’t believe that the woman who he was in love with was gently and tenderly taking care of him in his most vulnerable moments as you cleaned him in the bath. Nikolai stared at you work skillfully and gently as you wiped away dirt and sweat with the soapy water as you began to clean the other side of his hand. Nikolai’s senses are assaulted with the gentle fragrance of lavender as you rinse and lather more soap. The scent is gentle and sweet, and calms his mind. He breathes it in greedily and wonders whether you did this with anyone of your past lovers.

Suddenly he felt small and insignificant and didn’t want to think of you doing this with anyone else as he looked at you gently holding his wrist, your fingers resting on his pulse as the words burst out of his mouth “Do you do this for all of the boys you take care of?”

“No. I’ve never taken care of anyone like this before.” you replied softly and tenderly as you rinsed his arm.

Nikolai’s jaw drops in shock and amazement because the realization that this was the first time you had done this for anyone hits him like a load of bricks. Suddenly all of this carries more weight of meaning and sweetness as he realizes that it has been a long time since anyone had cared enough to take care of him.

You finish his left arm and move to begin on his right arm. You begin the same ritual over again and Nikolai realizes how soft and delicate your fingers were on his skin. Nikolai observes you lather and rinse his palm gently and feels breathless. He doesn’t understand why you are doing this. You were thoughtful and kind but also sarcastic and guarded so Nikolai was having a hard time comprehending why you were being so gentle and loving with him.

Perhaps it was pity. You were full of pity for a boy king who was sick and couldn’t barely soap himself and take care of himself. He felt hurt and gutted at the thought of you offering to take care of him out of pity and sympathy. It felt cruel and painful.

Nikolai looked at you, your lashes fanning your eyes that were full of concentration and gentleness as something darkly insecure lashed out within him as the words slipped out of his mouth before he could stop himself “Why are you doing this?”

You didn’t stop the gentle strokes of the sponge but your gentle eyes met his hazel ones as he was staggered by how wonderfully kind they were as you replied lowly “Because I want to do this for you. I want to take care of you and let you have peace.”

Nikolai felt a lump form in his throat as he blinked back his tears that had sprung into his eyes all of a sudden. It had been so long since anyone had truly wanted to take care of him and had made an effort to take care of him. The expression of sincerity and honesty etched onto your face surprised him as he stayed quiet for a few moments as he tried to think of the last time someone had told him that they wanted to make him feel good.

“I can do this by myself. You don’t have to - I’m not weak.” said Nikolai defensively, still disbelieving of the fact that you cared about him “You don’t need to take care of me. Everyone knows its a bother to do that.”

“It’s not rotten work taking care of you. I know you are strong and carry everyone but I can see it in your eyes. You take care of a thankless nation but who will ever look after and take care of you, Nikolai? I don’t know why but I like being the one to see you smile and take care of you.” you confessed softly and sincerely as you gazed at Nikolai intensely with gentleness etched on your face as you finished washing his arm and lowered it to the rim of the tub so he could hold onto it. “It’s okay to let someone take care of you.”

Nikolai was trying to play it cool but he was turning all shades of pink as his heart beat in happiness and disbelief as he looked at you quietly and whispered after a long moment “Y/N... I don’t want to be a burden to you. I don’t want people to worry about me. I - I need to do everything by myself so that I won’t be a nuisance.”

Your gentle touch made him shiver in delight and comfort as you looked at him, your gaze never drifting away from his eyes as he felt vulnerable and exposed as you tilted your head with curiosity “Why do you think you are a burden?”

“Aren’t I? Look at me, I can’t even do this one simple task by myself.” snapped Nikolai in frustration as he lowered his head in shame not wanting you to see the tears in his eyes “I feel so weak, I have to rely on you. I don’t want to depend on anyone because I - who am I if I can’t do anything by myself?”

“Human.” you answered sincerely and softly

Nikolai let a huff of sardonic laughter as he shook his head “I am the King who is meant to unite Ravka and protect them. There is no room to be weak and human.”

“Your desire to help others is noble. But I doubt you will find much success unless you allow others to help you.” you said honestly and sincerely as you looked at Nikolai earnestly with quiet understanding and soft concern that made him breathless as he felt the warm water lap at him skin, your gentle fingers lightly touch his skin.

Nikolai dragged his gaze up at you and it struck him that this felt intimate, domestic and blissful. Nikolai feels open, exposed and vulnerable in a manner that he has never felt before with anyone and yet in this vulnerability, he feels a forged deep trust, intimate understanding and soft tenderness between the both of you that felt new and beautiful, inviting him to sink in and drown in it. This moment with you where you gently took care of him at his weakest felt like the beginning of building a home for the both of them out of the ruins of their broken hearts.

“I understand that you are the King of Ravka and that comes with a great burden. But you are also a boy... Nikolai who likes to steal macaroons from the kitchen, who has the craziest, most wonderful ideas for inventions and will break the very ground you stand on to make people happy. As much as you hate it, you need to understand that your life... you require support, encouragement and love. People who care about your well being. People who will be there to stitch up your wounds and take care of you when you fall.” you stated calmly and sincerely, your eyes sparkling with honesty and wisdom beyond your years that stunned Nikolai who was speechless with surprise at the wise truth of your words as he contemplated on them quietly.

Nikolai was silent as he looked at you unashamed as he drifted his gaze away from you, feeling warmth and vulnerability bloom in his chest as he realized that you were offering support and encouragement for him. Nikolai realized that you were not scared to be there for him, to look after him, stitch up his wounds and take care of him when he fell. The thought of you doing that made his chest swell in happiness and disbelief, wonder and warmth as his lips twitched into a small smile.

Nikolai’s head and heart is floating with bliss at you taking care of him so tenderly. Nikolai takes this as an opportunity to really look at you. You are completely quiet in a companionable and comforting manner, the strokes of the sponge never lingering too long on one spot as you focus on the task at hand, never meeting Nikolai’s gaze. You wear an expression of complete concentration and calmness that Nikolai does not feel. Nikolai had seen you laughing, smiling, crying and angry but he had never seen you this... calm. Your face is relaxed and soft, your eyes brimming with staggering tenderness and gentleness. Your hair falls messily over your shoulder, your eyelashes fanning over your eyes as your hands are lathered in water and soapy bubbles.

Nikolai had seen you relaxed but never in such an intimately quiet way and never this up close and for this long. He knows you can feel his gaze burning you and fears that you will make a teasing remark that will make him blush from his cheeks to the tip of his toes but you are absolutely respectful, letting him contemplate on his thoughts silently. Your presence is genuinely soothing and comforting as he breathes in easily and stares at you unashamedly knowing that you won’t meet his gaze.

Saints, in the candlelight, so close to you, Nikolai couldn’t breathe because you were so attractive. Attractive wasn’t the right word for you. You were indescribably divinely beautiful. Nikolai wasn’t a fool, in the short time you had been here, many men and women had found you attractive and flirted with you. Though Nikolai had been boiling with jealousy each time he saw someone flirt with you, he understood why they would be drawn to your easy smile, expressive eyes, the shape of your lips that he wanted to kiss. You had shown no interest in anyone and now heat rose in Nikolai’s neck at the realization that the girl who had shown no interest or response for flirtations was the one who was quietly and comfortingly taking care of him.

Nikolai feels you move to clean his bicep and tip of his shoulder. He feels the sponge gently move toward the spot where he first got shot as he realizes that there were scars littered over him that weren’t exactly flattering on him. Nikolai feels his muscles tensing as he breathes uneasily remembering the sound of gunshots and shrieking screams, the blood and mud of the battlefield where he had lost so many of his comrades including Dominik.

Somethings he couldn’t just speak about.

You withdraw immediately when you feel Nikolai tense as you notice his expression of anxiety and Nikolai remains silent for a long moment. You don’t touch him unless he gives you permission once again and you can see something is bothering him.

“Nik?” you whispered softly, in worry and anxiety as you looked at him.

Nikolai looked at you who wasn’t his to lose as he saw concern glinting in your eyes as he finally murmured “My first bullet wound.”

He traced the small scars on his bicep that the war had left on him as he averted his eyes away from you “Not very pretty, huh?”

“I like them. In fact, they might be the thing I like most about you.” you admitted softly and tenderly as you looked at him in quiet understanding.

Nikolai raised his eyes to meet yours as he wore an expression of curiosity and inquisitiveness and you stated firmly and gently “Those scars, wounds show me that you are very loyal, kind and deeply brave... not at all cowardly. I like them because they are proof that you stood up for what’s right, fought the cruelty of the world and survived to tell the tale.”

Saints, Nikolai wanted to marry you. Nikolai had never felt this enormity of feeling, never felt such overwhelming tidal waves of emotions that engulfed him now as he felt breathless and speechless your sincerity and kindness. He searched for laughter or teasing in your expression but there was nothing except genuine honesty and truth as you looked at him with something that hadn’t been there in your eyes. Nikolai can’t help but warm up to the thought that now you were becoming a fixed and steady presence in his stormy life.

You were looking at him with utter softness and tenderness that you had never displayed with him before “Does it hurt?”

“Sometimes.” whispered Nikolai as he breathed in deeply and placed his faith and trust in you as he gave you permission “Be gentle.”

Nikolai feels overwhelming intimacy as you start wiping carefully over his shoulders, gently over his wound and scars, the collarbones and base of his neck, and the muscles of his spine. Your brushes are quick and efficient yet gentle and tender as you cleaned him. Your sponge brushes over his wound softly and tenderly with reverence and he swore his heart stopped beating. Nikolai couldn’t breathe as he felt you clean the spot where his wound was softly and gently. Nikolai closes his eyes and settles into drifting into his thoughts of a universe where this was a reality. Nikolai knows you don’t like him romantically. But he felt himself drift into dreams of where you and him were more than friends, where this domestic bliss was present every day and all he had was you.

He wakes up to his name murmured and looks up to see you standing extending the sponge with soap as you say quietly “I’ll turn away.”

He takes the sponge with soap numbly wondering what you meant and as you turned away, his brain caught up to what you meant. Nikolai sees you completely silent as you face the wall and he finishes cleaning his face, his chest, and between his legs.

After Nikolai is done cleaning himself, he calls your name huskily “Y/N...”

You turn around to face him and take the sponge and soap from him. Nikolai leans back on the tub and then closes his eyes as he dips into the warm water. Nikolai feels weightless, as if time does not have an effect in this place as he feels relieved and vulnerable at the same time. Finally, Nikolai sits upright, coming up to the surface but his eyes are still closed. He doesn’t want to open them yet.

Nikolai hears you shuffle around for a few moments and drop something as you mutter an apology as you said dorkily “Sorry, sorry, dropped it.”

Nikolai doesn’t open his eyes but he can’t help smiling widely at your silliness and comfortable presence. Nikolai imagines you flailing and shuffling around, arranging the soaps and salts in an orderly manner and pink dust of embarrassment clouding your cheeks when you dropped whatever you dropped. Nikolai realizes that this is the happiest and comfortable he has felt in a long time.

Nikolai feels goosebumps rise in his skin when he feels your fingers in his hair, the scent of apples of his hair soap drifting into his nose. Nikolai feels your fingertips firmly but gently running through his hair, your touch never lingering for too long as you lather the soap on his scalp. Nikolai lets out an involuntary moan of pleasure as your fingers thread through his hair skillfully and pulling at the knots tugging at them until they come lose.

Nikolai feels himself turning all shades of red as heat creeps up his neck at the realization that he had moaned and melted at your touch of hands in his hair... but to justify it, you had very skillful hands. Nikolai doesn’t know what to say, all he feels is absolutely embarrassed as he tries to find an excuse but you ignore it as you assure him gently there is nothing to be embarrassed about as you ease some of the aching pressure and tense muscles in his face.

Nikolai wonders what it would feel to have your hands in his hair as he kissed the little scar on your collarbone. Nikolai takes a sharp intake of breath as he realizes he is drifting into his wild fantasies of you but it’s hard not to when your gentle hands are skillfully tugging at his hair and running through them. Nikolai melts into your gentle and sweet touch, enjoying every moment of it.

You let go of Nikolai for a moment as you fetch another bucket of warm water. Nikolai feels you gently tilting his head back as you scoop a cup of fresh warm water and pours it slowly over his head, rinsing the soap gently and slowly, your fingers threading softly and skillfully through his hair with each cup of water you poured over him. Nikolai feels your soft and gentle touch on his forehead, his hair, his ears, his neck and his face and if you notice him sigh and melt into your touch, leaning his head against your hand, you don’t say anything to him about it.

Nikolai feels you cradle his head gently as you finally use the towel to dry his hair slowly and gently, getting the excess water out of his hair. Nikolai feels warm and happy, burdens and worries lifted off his shoulders as he feels light - hearted. Nikolai feels you finish drying his hair and return your attention to rubbing sweet and musky hair oil into his hair, smoothing it into his scalp. As you smooth the oil into his hair, Nikolai falls asleep, the water once warm now cool lapping at his skin.

As sleep tugged Nikolai, Nikolai didn’t feel alone anymore.

Nikolai heard you murmur his name as he drifted out of his sleep and realized you had finished as he heard you murmur “There you go.”

Nikolai’s heart hammered in his ribcage and threatened to burst out of his body when he felt you place a light kiss on top of his head. It was brief and quick but Nikolai was certain he had felt the gentle pressure of your lips on his damp hair as he froze in surprise and happiness.

It feels too intimate, too raw, too good to be real. And yet, Nikolai was living this very real moment with you and he felt blessed.

Nikolai turned to look at you as you handed him a fresh towel and a bathrobe and turned around. He looks at the towel feeling saddened that this intimate, blissful moment had ended. It had been nice to be taken care of for once. It had felt nice to be the one to sit back and enjoy being taken care of. He wanted to cherish this moment forever as he closed his eyes savoring this memory and then opened his eyes. It was time to leave.

Nikolai lifted himself up, stepping out as he quickly scrubs himself dry and wrapped the bathrobe around himself. Nikolai takes a few steps and finds exhaustion taking over him as he nearly falls onto the floor again but once again, your arms catch him as he clings onto you.

“I can do this on my own.” said Nikolai lazily and firmly as he looked at you with a commanding glint “I am the King, I order you to let go -”

“To hell with your orders.” you replied firmly as you held him tightly making him laugh in surprise and amusement at your defiance as he leans toward your warmth. Even though he feels vulnerable and small, he likes being held like this by you and feels safe and comfortable with you as he breathes in your inviting perfume that makes him feel that everything is perfect in the world.

Nikolai sees his bed and immediately feels tired and content as he falls down onto his lovely bed dramatically with gladness.

You try to hide your smile through an exasperated expression but you can’t help the smile that play on your lips as you reprimand Nikolai sternly “You can’t sleep in a wet towel.”

Nikolai drawls lazily, his eyes closed in satisfaction and sleepiness “I can do whatever I want. I am the King of Ravka.”

You roll your eyes fondly at him but go to retrieve his clothes while Nikolai drifts into a hazy sleep when he feels you tugging him from the bed you announce loudly and cheerfully “Up you get, Nikolai!”

Nikolai loves you. He really does. But he is tired and all he wants to do is sleep and you’re not letting him do that as he replied annoyed “What for?”

“To get dressed. You will catch a worse cold if you sleep in a wet towel.” you replied in a matter - of - fact voice as you tried to tug him out of bed but the King of Ravka was a stubborn child who clung onto the bedsheets as he complained.

“No... no... let me sleep.”

“Come on, we don’t have time for this. Out of bed and into warm clothes.” you said in a matter - of - fact voice as you grinned while pulling a sulky, childish, petulant Nikolai who was protesting and Nikolai groaned when he felt you smack him on the floor.

Nikolai feels the coolness of the carpeted floor and is tempted to lie down there just to spite you because how dare you defy the King of Ravka like this? But a part of him enjoyed it, your defiance and careless attitude intrigued and amused him though at the moment it had him slightly annoyed and irritated.

You lifted him up from the floor as you both groaned as you exclaimed “Here, get dressed.”

Nikolai’s lips twitched into a playful smile as his eyes twinkled in teasing “That’s so close to the perfect sentence.”

You blushed as you tossed him his night clothes and he grinned at being the reason for the pink dust scattering across your cheeks as you turned around shyly. Nikolai gets dressed, his thoughts slow and unfocused, muffled and distant as he realizes that you had handed him a loose, comfortable blue nightshirt, one of his favorites. Nikolai fiddles with the buttons, his hands shaking weakly and as if you sense it, you turn around, your eyes seeking for permission. Nikolai nods he watched in enchantment at how your fingers work the buttons and undemandingly and gently tucks his collar and smooths the fabric, her fingertips lightly brushing over his skin.

This is a glimpse into the life Nikolai wanted to share with you. This feeling of being this close, tender and real with you that he wanted to last forever. This moment felt soft and sweet, untouched by the cruelty and sadness of the world where it was just the two of them and nothing else mattered. Nikolai’s eyes glint with tenderness and longing for you as he sees his future mapped out with you, where he comes home to you and feels that tonight has created a stronger bond between them that they couldn’t describe.

How could he ever fall in love with anyone else?

Your soft eyes meet his tender hazel eyes and you blush as your fingertips drop from his shirt. Nikolai wonders whether you feel this indescribable and sacred bond he feels with you too. Nikolai drops and sinks into the mattress with a happy sigh, the luxurious sheets and pillows fresh and new. Nikolai feels peaceful and calm for the first time in a long time and realizes that he tastes soothing peace of mind whenever he is with you. Nikolai’s eyes flutter as he feels you drape blankets over him making him feel safe and secure.

Nikolai opens his eyes as he feels you set a tray of hot and warm food before him. As he eats it, he sets his eyes to observe you and for the first time in the evening he sees that your clothes are drenched wet. Rivulets of water run down your arms and the wet fabric clings onto your body that Nikolai is shamelessly appreciating while sinking in and out of consciousness. Nikolai feels at peace as he watches you pick up the used towels and his clothes. Nikolai feels a strange sense of calm wash him as he watches you tidy the mess of his room quietly and calmly, the wet fabric clinging onto your skin, your eyes alit with firm purpose and conviction and your movements precise and careful not to awake and startle Nikolai. After finishing eating, Nikolai inquires about you eating. You smile and reassure Nikolai that you’ll eat after clearing up the mess..

Nikolai briefly wonders whether you are going to bath as well as you duck out of the room as he sinks into the drowsy unconsciousness. He breathes in as he drifts in and out of sleep and finally after what seems like a long amount of time, he hears a click of the door and flutters open his eyes to see you quietly come in, your hair damp and your skin fresh and smooth, dressed in a beautiful green nightdress.

Nikolai watches you arrange blankets and pillows on his sofa as he blinks drowsily, his eyes lidded heavily with sleep as he drawls “What on earth are you doing?”

You are startled and surprised at the sound of Nikolai’s drowsy voice because you thought he was sleeping as you met his curious gaze and stood up “Well... there isn’t really any space on the bed and I’ve heard you are a notorious snorer -”

But you are cut off as Nikolai drags you down to his bed as you land on the sheets in an ungraceful heap squawking inelegantly and Nikolai smiles fondly at you making room for you “You’re sleeping here. With me.”

Nikolai can feel your weight settling down onto the mattress as you pull up the covers over the both of you. Nikolai feels warm, clean, happy and content, taken care of as he sinks into the mattress blissfully.

Nikolai felt breathless as he glanced over at you lying by his side, your beautiful hair a disheveled mess on his pillow, your eyes gleaming with quiet drowsiness as you met his gaze and he turned a bright shade of pink hoping that you couldn’t hear how loud his heart was beating because this was a dream come true. He had to control himself from shrieking happily when your hand brushed against his softly and tentatively and it took all of his courage as he met your eyes seeking permission and when you smiled softly, his fingers intertwined with yours, the warmth and gentleness of your hand seeping into his reassuring him that everything would be alright.

“This is nice.” murmured Nikolai in content and dreamy haze as he looked into your eyes with tenderness and sincerity as he felt breathless by how beautiful and wonderful you were.

You smiled softly and widely at him as you shifted to his side a little squeezing his hand gently as he looked at you with an expression of gratitude, adoration and wonder as he brushed a gentle and fleeting kiss on your knuckles, delighted when your eyes widened in surprise and your cheeks blushed a rosy pink as he confessed “No one has ever taken care of me like this. Thank you.”

“Always.” you murmured as you smiled affectionately and sincerely at Nikolai who didn’t need to say anything, as they held hands in the meaningful silence, you both felt enough.

As sleep overtook Nikolai, he drawled looking over at you “Will you still be here when I wake up?”

“No one can take me away from you.” you whispered softly and gently as you stroked his hair gently as he leaned into your hand with a happy and comfortable sigh, his eyes closing as he held your hand in his.

As Nikolai fell into a deep slumber, you watched him breathe in and out peacefully. You stare at his divinely beautiful face etched with peace and content that was a luxury to him when he was the King of Ravka. In this low light of flickering candles, he looks more like a boy who wants to be loved than a King who is to be revered. You listen to his deep breathing as you stare at him with a soft smile playing on your lips, your soul feeling strangely content and happy as you traced soft patterns on the skin of his hand that held yours tightly. Nikolai looks boyish and soft, vulnerable and peaceful in this light and you feel your heart tighten in wonder that you are the one who gets to see him like this.

Earlier, you knew that Nikolai had been watching you keenly. He might be the King of Ravka but he wasn’t the King of being subtle. You had averted your eyes away from him, not wanting to disrespect him and take advantage of his vulnerability as you focused on the task of helping him. You weren’t lying earlier when you told Nikolai that this was the first time you’ve ever cleaned someone like this. When you were with Kaz, you had simply left him, giving him privacy to clean himself. You were going to do the same with Nikolai but for some reason, you found yourself rooted in the spot and reaching out to take care of Nikolai because you couldn’t let him shoulder everything alone. It didn’t seem right to just leave him alone. Your heart had been beating wildly as you had averted your eyes from his well - built and handsome body that had made heat creep up your neck as you focused on your task of cleaning his soft skin that made you feel slightly breathless.

You had felt his surprise at the fact that you had volunteered to take care of him. You couldn’t help thinking now... did he have no one to take care of him? Was there no one to care for him?

Had he truly been so alone?

Now you take the opportunity to properly look at Nikolai. His hair is damp and curly, his skin is fresh and clean.. Nikolai was your friend, in a steady and confusing manner. You convince yourself that tonight was purely platonic. You did this to help him, to take care of him because he is your friend and you hate seeing him suffer and alone. And yet, your heart beats and your breath catches as you look at Nikolai and remember how he stared at your reverently in adoration and amazement as you tended to him.

At that moment, Nikolai sighs in his sleep as he mutters something indecipherable and yet amusing to you as you stare at him fondly and smooth his hair gently. You are aware that this is such an intimate and sacred moment where you are witness to every sigh, every word, every movement, every expression he makes. Tonight had bloomed something different in the way you looked at him, a tenderness, a gentleness and a wonder as you realized that Nikolai was a storm that you were now trying to navigate as you inhaled a sharp breath understanding that he had let his guard down and exposed his vulnerability to you and you had done the same.

You found yourself torn between throwing yourself out of the window and squealing into your pillow as you blushed.

You were lying next to Nikolai Lantsov. This was not on your bingo card. In fact, this was not on anyone’s bingo card!

You couldn’t exactly understand why you felt so protective of Nikolai and cherished the time you spent with him. You didn’t understand why the thought of Nikolai’s future wife sleeping next to him, seeing him up close and personal like this, sharing tender and intimate moments with him in secrecy and privacy of their own world made you want to burn down something. You didn’t understand why you wanted to wrap Nikolai in a hug and assure him that he wasn’t a burden, he was a privilege.

Maybe it was because you were friends. Yes... that’s exactly it. You were just friends. That’s all you were.

Your eyes flutter shut as Nikolai mumbles in his sleep again, his lips twitching and your lips curve into an adoring smile as you adjust his blanket and stare at him. You do one last thing for him and your eyes flutter as you treasure the intimacy and beauty of this sacred moment that you share with him as you fall asleep by his side.

Nikolai was back in the battlefield as he fought to survive the Fjerdan bullets, terrified screams and gunshots ringing in his ears as he struggled to march on. Mud and grime covered him as he stood by Dominik, both of them bleeding and bruised as they shot down the Fjerdans, protecting each other and their comrades. It was wild and untethered, cruel and merciless and Nikolai remembered the promise to Dominik when they had started in the army. It was with him that Nikolai served, with him Nikolai promised to fall down. But as Nikolai failed to fall down as he watched Dominik fall down, as he breathed in and out, his blood on Nikolai’s hands that tried to stop Death from taking away his friend as he sobbed and screamed wildly, unhinged begging for anyone to help, begging Dominik not to leave him.

Tears slipped down his eyes and all he could do was scream in fury and pain in a war that took away his best friend when he heard an urgent, gentle and reassuring voice that called out his name.

Nikolai! You got to wake up!

Nikolai screamed and the voice answered back as he felt it wrapping around him and dragging him through the depths of unconsciousness as he woke up alarmed and startled, tears rolling down his cheeks and beads of sweat on his brow to see your concerned and worried face hovering above him, your hands pressing gently onto his cheeks as your eyes glinted with anxiety and worry.

He blinked once and then blinked twice as he stared wide eyed at your beautiful face etched with complete concern and alarm as he was startled, breathing heavily and panting in worry, flashes of his nightmare still haunting him as he clutched onto the sheets frantically.

You were right by his side, your eyes full of concern and gentleness as your hands cupped his cheeks and he breathed in and out, his heart beating wildly as he buried his head into your chest as you wrapped him in a warm hug that exuded safety and affection.

He still couldn’t believe this was real as he held onto you, tears rolling down his cheeks as he breathed in and out heavily, the flashes of Dominik’s breath leaving him haunting him as he felt you place a soft kiss on top of his head as you murmured soft and comforting words “It’s alright. It’s alright, I’ve got you. You’re safe with me, nothing and no one is going to hurt you.”

A sob escaped his body as your name slipped through his lips “Y/N...”

“It wasn’t real. It was just a nightmare. This is real. I am real.” you reassured him sincerely and honestly, your heart beating wildly in fear because you had woken up to a screaming Nikolai thrashing wildly around as sobs escaped him. You had never seen him so wild, so startled and unleashed in pain and suffering as you had woken him up from his nightmare with great effort. “Listen to my heartbeat. This is real.”

Silent tears escaped Nikolai as his breathing and beating heart eventually and gradually calmed down after a long eternity as he listened to the steady beating of your heart, a sweet melody, a soothing lullaby and a saving prayer. He doesn’t know how long both of you stay like this together in the darkness of the night, him with his head on your chest listening to your living, beautiful, wonderful heartbeat as he held onto you tightly afraid of the monsters in the dark, his breathing gradually lulling into normal and tears coming to an end as you held him tightly and warmly in your embrace, murmuring soothing words of comfort and reassurance.

After what seems like an eternity, Nikolai raises his head to meet your quiet and steady gaze that exudes safety and warmth, blazing fiercely like a fire driving away the darkness. Nikolai suddenly realizes the enormity of what happened in front of you as he understands that he cried and screamed in fright and fear like a child in nightmares.

He withdraws from you with an apology and shame in his face but you take his hands in his as you wear an expression etched with acceptance and understanding as you said lightly “Nightmares? Do you have them often?”

Nikolai nodded, unable to speak yet as he looked at you and saw the same understanding of the pain in your eyes “Do you want to talk about it?”

Nikolai shook his head dumbly and you knew you had to distract Nikolai from his thoughts of the nightmares as you jumped down from the bed and extended your hand to him with a quietly mischievous look in your eyes “Come on you! Let’s go see the stars.”

Nikolai’s eyes were alit with curiosity as he took your hand and you led him to his window, both of you taking a seat at the window seat where you could see the starry sky from the glassy pane. It was a beautiful night with a clear sky dotted with glittering stars patterned into beautiful and mysterious constellations. It was the kind of breathtaking night that made you glad to be alive.

Nikolai was quiet for a long time and you realized that he wasn’t going to talk to you at all. It wouldn’t bother you generally and you would leave anyone alone but for some reason, you wanted Nikolai to at least have a small conversation with you instead of bottling all of his emotions up and bearing it on his own.

As you sat in silence with the boy who was haunted by the nightmares, you remembered one of your favorite stories from your favorite author, Ko Moon Young, a beautiful, intelligent and infamous literary children’s author in Shu Han who had the penchant for darkly crafting beautiful stories. You had read this story many times, in the library and in the Slat with your tattered copy soothing and comforting you after your horrible and terrifying nightmares and you had even once read out the story to Kaz who had suffered from terrible nightmares.

You could remember every word of the story by heart. That’s how much you loved it.

“The boy woke up from another terrible nightmare. Bad memories from the past he wanted to erase from his head were replayed in his dreams every night and haunted him nonstop.” you began softly and soothingly as you looked at Nikolai who had been gazing at the stars but as you began to speak, his attention was on you with curiosity sparkling in his hazel eyes as the words that you loved and knew by heart slipped from your mouth “The boy was terrified of falling asleep so one day he went to find a witch and begged “Please get rid of all my bad memories so that I won’t ever have a bad nightmare again. Then I will do everything you ask.””

You saw Nikolai shift up straight as his hazel eyes stirred in curiosity and interest as he looked at you in anticipation as your lips curved into a small smile, the moonlight spilling around both of you as you continued in an entrancing voice “Years went by and the boy became an adult. He no longer had nightmares. But for some strange reason, he wasn’t happy at all.”

“One night, a blood moon filled the sky, and the witch showed up again to take what he had promised in return for granting his wish. And he shouted at her with so much resentment “All my bad memories are gone. But why can’t I become happy?”” you continued in a soft and enchanting voice that held Nikolai’s rapt and intense attention as he wore an expression of intrigue, interest and unbridled curiosity and you paused for a moment as Nikolai leaned forward in anticipation wanting to know the answer, eager to know how the story ended.

“Then the witch took his soul as promised and told him this “Hurtful, painful memories, memories of deep regrets, memories of hurting others and being hurt, memories of being abandoned... only those with such memories buried in their hearts can become stronger, passionate and emotionally flexible. And only those can attain happiness.” you answered in a intriguing voice as you looked at Nikolai whose eyes were eager, hungry and curious for the answer and as he listened to the story, his eyes became misty, full of thoughtfulness and surprise as he stared at you in wide eyed in wonder.

“So don’t forget any of it. Remember it and overcome it. If you don’t overcome it, you will always be the kid whose soul never grows old.” you finished quietly and calmly with affection and love for the story as your eyes never left Nikolai who was blinking back tears as his breath caught in his throat and his lips twitched into a small smile for the first time since he woke up.

Nikolai cocked his head in curiosity “That’s a sad yet surprisingly inspiring and heartwarming bedtime story. Who told you that?”

“Ko Moon Young. She’s my favorite author.” you admitted with a small smile as you looked at Nikolai with affection and kindness “The story is called ‘The Boy Who Fed on Nightmares’. I read it all the time when I have nightmares.”

“I like it.” confessed Nikolai honestly as he flashed a genuine smile at you making up his mind to research this author and read more of her books. “Thank you. Surprisingly, I needed to hear that story.”

You nodded with a small smile as you looked out of the glassy pane at the universe that extended out there when Nikolai’s voice disturbed your reverie “He would have been best friends with you.”

You cocked your head as you looked inquisitively and curiously at Nikolai wondering what he was talking about when he smiled warily and sincerely at you “Dominik. My best friend since childhood. We did everything together, thick as thieves. He sacrificed himself taking the bullet meant for me in the war because he believed I was the King that Ravka deserved.”

You were tongue tied and speechless as you remembered Nikolai screaming the very same name in his nightmare while you tried to wake him up. You realized that Nikolai had suffered deep loss and felt tragedy in his life. You knew Nikolai had bravely fought and bled in the war for Ravka but you didn’t know and understand the impact it had on him, the cruelty of it all, the comrades and best friend it had snatched away from Nikolai in the trenches and the tears shed and tragedy of it all. You saw that Dominik was someone who meant a great deal to Nikolai, someone who had faith in Nikolai and cared for Nikolai. You understood from taking one look at Nikolai that Dominik was someone extraordinary and important to Nikolai, someone who Nikolai didn’t want to lose and cared for deeply. You felt your heart break for Nikolai because you understood the pain and grief of losing a brother, someone you loved deeply, someone you wanted to stand by with you forever. The world has been cruel to the both of you by snatching away the two people you loved the most but you felt Nikolai’s grief and loss because you understood the feeling of having someone important to you sacrifice their life for yours.

Nikolai looked at you with unshed tears in his hazel eyes, looking so beautiful and vulnerable in the moonlight “It’s him I have nightmares of often. I can’t save him even in my dreams. I wish it was me that had taken the bullet instead.”

You want to stop him from saying that awful thing because you can’t bear the thought of him dead but Nikolai is lost in his self - loathing and doubt “Dominik was a good man. The best man I ever knew. And he sacrificed himself for me. I wish he hadn’t. I wish all of them hadn’t died for me.”

“I understand.” you said softly and sincerely, your fragile heart full of sincere understanding and acceptance for him as you looked at the boy who had touched your broken soul in an unexpected manner “I wish I didn’t... but I do.”

Nikolai felt his heart bloom full of love and warmth for you as he felt nothing but gratitude for your comforting and uncommonly kind presence that soothed him as he smiled lovingly at you as both of you stared at the night sky and Nikolai realized that he had shown you where everyone had given him scars and you had accepted and understood him.

Nikolai sighed as he wiped away his tears in remembrance and reminiscence of his hopeful and brave friend “He was brave until the very end.”

You wore an expression of thoughtfulness “They’re always brave.”

“I wish he wasn’t. I wish for once... he had taken the coward’s way out and let me take the bullet.”

“Do you know why we both survived, Nikolai? You survived because of Dominik and I survived because of my brother. It was because of them. Because in spite of their fear, they refused to step aside. Because their love for us was stronger than anything else in this world. Because they loved us more than their own lives and believed in us.” you said passionately and thoughtfully with sincerity after a long moment of silence as you looked at Nikolai who was stunned and surprised, full of disbelief and shock.

“They broke our hearts but they loved us so much. And as much as it hurts, we need to be brave and kind and live our lives in a way that they would be proud of us. Otherwise, they died for nothing. Otherwise, we insult their memory. If we regret their actions and waste our lives, their sacrifice will be forever meaningless.” you said softly and quietly, your voice barely a whisper but it echoed loudly around Nikolai who was speechless and tongue tied as he processed the truth that you spoke with sincerity and honesty as you blinked back tears of grief and pain. “So we grieve, mourn but must live on and honor them.”

Nikolai was speechless as he processed your honest and wise words as he looked at you wide eyed in wonder and shock, wondering whether all along there had been an invisible string tying you to him, tethering both of your fates together as the words slipped out of his mouth before he could stop himself “I wish I had met you earlier.”

Your eyes widened in pleasant surprise as you let out an involuntary chuckle “What? Why? How would that even happen?”

Nikolai looked at you with a warm and wistful gleam in his hazel eyes “I don’t know. I imagine that instead of staying in Ketterdam, your family made it to Ravka. Your brother and you grew up together. Both of you would enlist for the Ravkan army. Maybe you’d be a medik... or perhaps a soldier in the trenches. You’d be a soldier with different medals of honor, a soldier who everyone has heard of for your bravery. And then one day Dominik and I meet you and your brother. And then the rest is history.”

You found yourself grinning at the story that was nice to ponder over as you looked at him in amusement “That’s a nice story. But our lives are so different... I only wished I could have met Dominik. He sounds like a great, kind - hearted person.”

“Dominik was one of the best people I knew. And I wish you could have met him too. I know that both of you would get along famously. Both of you are thoughtful, brave, kind - hearted.” said Nikolai sincerely and softly as he gazed in wonder and enchantment at how ethereal and divine you looked in the moonlight and bit his lip “I wish I could have met your brother. He sounds very different from mine.”

You smiled softly, grief and love bubbling in your heart as you looked at Nikolai with a reminiscent and wistful look “Not only was he enormously clever, he was also uncommonly kind and had a certain talent for mischief and laughter. I think you would have given my brother a run for his money... and that is saying something.”

Nikolai felt warm as an involuntary smile curved on his lips at those sacred words that meant the world to him as his eyes twinkled “I’m glad. It’s just... sometimes it’s lonely. I miss Dominik. The nightmares just remind me... that I should haven’t worried so much about the war. I should have asked him questions, I should have talked to him more and spent more time with him because every scrap of him would be taken from me. Honestly, if I didn’t know better, I still think he was still around.”

“I feel the same. My brother loved the amber skies and long walks but I used to be annoyed when he tickled me and played his pranks on me. I should have asked him how to be because all he left to me was his unfulfilled dreams.” you said honestly and sincerely, confessing the truths you kept hidden in your heart as you looked at Nikolai vulnerably and softly, remembering your brother who was easy to descend into laughter and full of kindness and light. “But now, after all this time, I know though he is dead, he didn’t stay dead. He’s alive in my head. I feel him all around, in the sad melody of a guitar, in the beauty of the sun set, in the stars, in scheming pranks with the Crows, a bright smile and in everything really. It’s hard to explain but it feels as if he never left.”

Nikolai was silent for a long moment because he understood the depth and magnitude of your emotions and was stunned that he had found another soul who felt the same as he did and who he could confide in easily and didn’t feel alone with. They stayed like that for a long moment in silence filled with meaningful and easy companionship and understanding with no need to fill it with meaningless chatter and small talk, glad to have each other to trust and understand their deepest fears and vulnerabilities.

Nikolai looked at you who were hugging your knees tightly as you stared in fascination and wonder at the stars as his lips curved into an adoring smile as he finally broke the silence “Do you have nightmares?”

Your expression was enough of an answer and Nikolai was curious “How do you cope?”

“I used to drink until I forgot. But now I read and on nights where I have really bad ones, I lose myself in memories. Well... a memory. It’s not a happy memory, exactly. Well, it is happy... but it’s strange and complicated.” you answered sincerely after a long moment of silence, your expression one of reminiscence and wistfulness

Nikolai was filled with fascination and curiosity as he leaned forward, his hazel eyes gleaming in unbridled affection and softness “What is it?”

“I think of him. I remember his bright face. He is holding me in his arms and talking to me. Just talking, hugging and laughing back at home before we came to Ketterdam.” you said softly and wistfully as you remembered one of the long - lost memories that you would lose yourself in of your brother who was always smiling brightly, his eyes full of mischief and kindness as he showered you with affection and warmth making you feel so loved and happy.

Nikolai’s eyes widened slightly in soft understanding and empathy as he looked at your expression of hidden grief and painful reminiscence that longed to go back to a time where everything was sweet and innocent as you smiled at him bravely, and his heart tugged with sadness and understanding for you as he reached out for you and squeezed your hand gently wanting you to know that he was there for you.

You squeezed his hand in return gratefully as you met his hazel eyes burning with affection and adoration as you smiled softly and sincerely at him surprised and glad that he of all people understood you better than anyone else.

You looked at him with wonder and affection, fondness and warmth blooming in your heart for him as you whispered “You’re a true friend, Nikolai. I’m so glad I met you.”

Nikolai felt a twinge of hurt in his heart at only being thought of as a friend but knew deep down that you needed time to heal and move on from the demons that haunted your head as he felt happy that you thought of him as someone true you could trust, his heart fluttering in happiness at your words hoping one day he would be more than a friend to you “I’ll always be by your side, Y/N. No one can take me away from you.”

You smiled as you blushed, red dust scattering on your cheeks at how intensely and adoringly Nikolai was gazing upon you as he once again spoke, his voice full of concern “Y/N... I don’t want to lose you. So I want you to promise me that no matter what, if we’re in a dangerous situation and I’m - well, I’m - you won’t put yourself in danger for me. Promise me that you will think of yourself first and run away without caring about my fate. Don’t be brave.”

Your eyes had widened in shock because you had not expected such a confession out of Nikolai but the thought of leaving him in danger where he could be hurt and tortured, bleeding and bruised or worse snatched by cold cruel hands of death made you feel as you were pummeling down an abyss of disbelieving darkness as you shook your head immediately and firmly “No. I don’t think I can promise you that because I can never leave you in danger to fend for yourself, Nikolai.”

Nikolai felt too much all of a sudden, too hot as he felt your warm eyes full of beautiful fondness, complete concern and overwhelming protectiveness take his breath away as he felt time cease and stop surprised at how much you cared for him as he breathed “Look, I want you safe, alive and unharmed and I’m trying to do that.”

“Why?” you retorted back fiercely and quickly as you glared at him, your hand holding onto his tightly and Nikolai was taken aback in shock at your quick response as he found words failing him as you continued passionately and sincerely “Nobody is ever safe, not ever.”

Nikolai blew an exasperated breath as he realized you were stubborn, unwavering, fierce and loyal, qualities he loved about you but they were the same ones that got Dominik killed in the first place and he would not lose the love of his life “Look, I’m trying to take care of you and protect you because I don’t want to lose you.”

“But I never asked you for that.” you replied softly, your eyes softening with understanding and amazement at the depth of how much Nikolai cared for you and you felt like you didn’t deserve to be cared about so much.

Nikolai’s eyes softened in exasperation and sincerity as he replied softly and earnestly “You shouldn’t have to ask.”

You felt such an enormous amount of intense emotions that you couldn’t begin to describe that it terrified and exhilarated you as you stared into Nikolai’s frightened and sincere eyes as you placed your hand on his cheek gently and confessed “I can’t promise you what you want me to. But I can only promise you that I will be by your side until the end and we will fight our way out of anything the world throws at together.”

Nikolai was breathless at the overwhelming devotion and sincerity burning in your eyes as he closed his eyes cherishing this moment and opened them as he looked at you with earnestness and adoration “I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t, you silly boy. I’m not going anywhere.” you replied with a bright smile as your eyes twinkled in mischief and amusement as you placed a brief and light kiss on his cheek, unaware that Nikolai had gone into cardiac arrest at your lightest touch.

Nikolai grinned loopily as he looked at you feeling incredibly happy and over the moon. As you talked, laughed and played chess, finally Nikolai and you both grew drowsy and sleepy enough to go back to bed. As you both sank into bed, your hands found each other as they intertwined with each other, warmth and reassurance seeping through. Nikolai glanced at you who was worn out and exhausted, resting next to him, your eyes fluttered shut as you breathed in and out peacefully lost in a sea of dreams and he smiled in content and happiness. This was blissful and beautiful Paradise that Nikolai wanted to last forever.

As Nikolai felt his drowsiness take over him, he realized something was different about him. He puzzled his head over what it could be and he sat up feeling warmth in his feet that were cold earlier when he had gone to bed. Nikolai pulled up the blanket to see blue socks with silly faces on his feet that he definitely had not put on before sleeping. Nikolai looked at the socks that warmed his cold feet and realized as he looked over at your peaceful sleeping visage that it was you that had cared enough to warm up his cold feet by putting thick warm socks on. Nikolai suddenly felt an odd sensation of warmth and surprise bloom in his chest as he blushed in shy happiness at the thought of you caring so much that you would do something so thoughtful and kind to take care of him and make him feel more comfortable and at ease.

Saints, Nikolai wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. He knew in his heart you were the only one for him.

As Nikolai brushed a stray hair from your forehead as he stared at your peaceful, sleeping face, he sent a quiet prayer of gratitude to the Saints thanking them for creating such a beautiful, kind hearted, brave creature with the courage of stars and a heart of love and sending you into his life that had been changed forever.

Nikolai pulled up the blanket to ensure you were warm and cozy and brushed a fleeting kiss on your forehead bidding you goodnight as he sank into the pillows, his eyes never leaving you because he was certain with all his heart you were the one he wanted to spend all his starry nights with and wake up to watch the dawn of a new day.

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