#Daniel kept on fucking him. and the realization nearly has Johnny coming again.)

[zappedbyzabka]

Once again thinking about Johnny in one of those pretty bride thigh garters

[theempressar]

Fire Starter - Whump fic!

This is for @brihana25 and her NEED for “We Didn’t Start the Fire…Eh…yeah we did!”  

This is for @outforawalkbitkah who wanted Johnny to be rescued from his dojo by Daniel.  I hope I did okies!!  

This is for @orangerebellion13 who pondered what it would have been like if Kreese’s cigar actually did more damage.

Thank you ladies…Once I started…I just couldn’t stop!!  Much like the FIYAH this caused in me!  

Disclaimer:  I don’t mean to hurt our poor boys.  But they did get Fire Whumpped!!

Word Count:  2000 even!  WOOT!!

Johnny lay in a daze on the mat of the Cobra Kai dojo.  He had just gotten the biggest shock of his life as his old Sensei, mentor and ghost from his past, John Kreese appeared in his darkened doorway, smoking a cigar and speaking in riddles. 

Johnny had just looked at him, numb and mute.  He thought he was dead.  Everyone thought he was dead.  He was talking about something…what?  Closing the book on us?  What the hell did that mean?  Why was he here now? 

“You gotta be kidding me…”  He said walking closer to the figure in dark shadows.  Flashes and replays of the night he came in second place…the night he almost died at this bastard’s hand and he was calmly smoking that fucking cigar, laughing at him.  

“I’m here to help you…” 

“I don’t need your help, old man!”  

“Eh…we’ll see…by the time this is over…” 

“By the time what is…”  Johnny barely got the final words out before Kreese threw his lit cigar butt into the trash can beside the door.  It started smoking in whatever paper and garbage was left behind from the kids earlier.

“What the hell are you doing?”  Johnny said going over to the trash can.  He was met with a leg to the gut, knocking the wind out of him. 

“Leave it.”  

“The hell I will!!”  Johnny wheezed and without warning leapt at Kreese grabbing the old man by the collar and tossing him aside.  

Kreese laughed as he hit the ground but quickly rolled and pinned Johnny’s legs as he once again went for the fire in the trash can that was quickly spreading outside of the can.  Black smoke was creeping its way up the wall.  

“You’re gonna burn this place down…asshole!”  Johnny said, pinned under Kreese’s surprisingly strong legs.  He struggled to sit up but Kreese was faster, rolling almost on top of him, putting a death grip on his neck.  Johnny looked up into the older man’s eyes and saw the same look he had as an impetuous teenage boy who lost his only real father figure in a matter of minutes.  He saw the same evil in his eyes.  

Johnny clawed at Kreese’s arm.  He was choking.  The dots were beginning to swim… “Why?” 

“Why not?”  Kreese growled back.  I want the legacy of MY dojo…not yours…even if it means I have to start new after I burn this place and YOU to the ground.  

“They’ll never.” 

“They will…once they learn that they need to keep the memory of their sensei and his honor alive.  I’m the only one that can bring them that!”  

Kreese redoubled his efforts.  Johnny was trying to kick out of the hold but he was choking and the smoke in the room was starting to affect his vision…and it was creeping into his nose.  Thankfully, Kreese was blocking his airway…if that was anything to be thankful for.  Kreese let up and Johnny gagged and gasped and choked.  His eyes were burning.  He could barely see or breathe.  He looked at Kreese who stood in a cloud of smoke almost like he was just the spectre he claimed to be.  He picked up Johnny’s cellphone.  

“Perfect…how predictable you are…why you have the number of your “mortal enemy” programed into your phone…Just as I knew you would.  

The flames were licking the walls of the dojo now.  Bright orange.   Why hadn’t the sprinkler system gone off yet?  Johnny had thought in his clogged brain.  “Oh right…” He groaned.  The inspector warned him about getting it fixed.  He just kept putting it off.  

“You bastard!!  What does he have to do with this?” He was struggling to a sitting position, but in his weakened state, he didn’t have much strength to fend off the double kick to the solar plexus that Kreese simultaneously doled out as he hit the speed dial.  

“Speed dial even…have you two become…friends?” 

“Johnny?”

“No…’fraid not…Johnny’s unavailable right now…”  

“Wait a minute…who is this?” 

“Awwwwww….that hurt, Princess…you don’t remember the sound of my voice?  I figure it would be haunting your nightmares still to this day…especially the way I made you piss your pants when I jumped out from behind that stand-up handsome likeness of yours truly.”

“Kreese…”  

“The one and only…” 

“Why…where’s Johnny…why are you calling on his phone?”  Daniel heard the scuffling on the other end of the line.  “LARUSSO…GET HELP!!”  He heard choking and a loud yell and a cracking sound. 

“Johnny…where are you?”

Continued sounds of struggle and coughing and Kreese was back on the line, winded.  “I just knocked the pretty boy out…I figure you have about less than five minutes to get your ass over here and save him…or die trying…two birds with one stone and all that jazz.”  

“Kreese…you son of a bitch!!”  

“Again with the flattery…ta ta!”

Kreese hung up then promptly broke Johnny’s phone tossing it to the ground.  Johnny was groaning and losing consciousness on the ground in front of him.  Kreese had slammed him head first into his floor length mirror and he lay in a pile of shards of broken mirror pieces all around him.  He looked down at the wound in his leg.  Johnny had gotten one good shard of glass embedded in him before nearly passing out.  Kreese looked at him, shook his head and pulled it out of him without so much as a wince, tossing the bloody shard to the ground.  

“It has been a pleasure…but I think you have your hands full…”  Kreese said turning to leave.  Johnny saw him one last time through the flames as he walked to the door. 

“Don’t…you can’t…” 

“I’m afraid I just did.”  Kreese said exiting the building, and turning to lock the door behind him.  

———–

The fire had been blazing for a good five minutes when Daniel pulled up in his SUV.  Alarms and sirens were going off all around.  The mini mart beside the dojo’s fire alarms were sounding and people were starting to gather around the building.  

Daniel got out of his SUV and looked at the wall of flames.  Panic and terror on his face.  What if…no…he couldn’t be…he can’t be!!

“JOHNNY!!”  He screamed into the flames.  “Did anyone see the man who owns this place?  Did he come out??  Where is he?”  He rushed over to the homeless lady he knew that frequented the area when he had been here the handful of times before.  

“Where is he…where’s Johnny?!”  

“You mean blondie?”  

“Yes…Blondie!”  Daniel said exasperated.  

“I don’t know honey…but he sure is gonna be pissed about this!”  

“No shit…”  Daniel said turning away from her and running back to the building.  Suddenly, the glass door exploded from the bottom and black smoke came billowing out from the inside.   Daniel didn’t think.  He knew Johnny had to be in there.  He knew he was either hurt, or unconscious or….he didn’t want to think about that.  

He rushed to the door and assessed the situation.  He took off his shirt.  The cold evening breeze and the heat from the building contrasted against his skin.  He put his navy blue sweatshirt to his nose and didn’t hesitate another second.  He didn’t touch any of the door frame or surrounding glass.  He kicked in the rest of the door and ventured inside.  

It was dark.  Black.  Smoke in the room.  Flames out of control.  He knew that heat and smoke rose and that there was a small chance that Johnny may be lying on the ground somewhere.  

“Joh-Johnny”  He choked out…his lungs filling almost immediately.  

A groan from the floor in front of him.  Close.  Where.  ‘Where goddamn it…where are you?!’

Daniel kept his mouth closed and moved his feet across the ground…trying to find something to nudge.  He found it.  He felt the heat of the room singeing his skin.  He felt like he was burning from the inside.  ‘Come on, Johnny…help me…’   He said in his head.  

“JOHNNY!!”  He gave one final cry…falling to the ground in front of him.  Barely recognizable.  Soot and ashes covering his face.  The air was smoky but he realized it wasn’t as bad as low to the ground as he was.  There was still a chance.  He put his ear to Johnny’s mouth.  He was breathing…just barely.  

His lungs were starting to burn and he was only in there less than a minute.  He could only imagine what the man on the floor was going through.  

‘Come on…let’s get out of here…Goldilocks…I still have a lot of personal beefs to hash out with you.  You gotta stay alive long enough for me to do it!’  He tried to lift Johnny, but that was a no go.  Johnny had always been bigger.  “Damn it…” He said in desperation.  “Help me!”  

Johnny groaned and cracked open his eyes.  He saw Daniel in front of him, almost wringing his hands…trying to pull him by the foot out of the door.  He choked and sputtered.  “La…”  It burned his lungs and he cried out.  

Blue and red lights lit up the smoke like an eerie 80s dance club.  Daniel almost cried in relief.  The fire trucks were here and the firefighters were on their way in.  Daniel pulled Johnny to a sitting position.  He knew they would have a hard time finding them and they were running out of passable breathing air and time.  He communicated with Johnny with his eyes and grabbed his arm to sling it over his shoulder.  Johnny moaned but understood.  

With all of Daniel’s strength he hoisted his friend up. Johnny leaned heavily on him and he almost immediately fell back over to the ground.  The sweatshirt around his mouth slipped and he breathed in straight black smoke.  He coughed but managed to hold on before growing dizzy himself.  

One final push to the door and he stumbled with Johnny wrapped around him.  Johnny’s face was pressed close to his neck.  He was losing his battle quickly.  Daniel had to get outside.  He had to breathe in the fresh, clean smog-filled air.  He never wanted anything more than for he and his friend to be ok…safe and alive.  “Help us!!”  He weakly croaked out.  

The firefighters saw the pair coming towards the door and immediately went to grab them and haul them outside.  The rush of cool air hit them both and they fell to the ground…gasping and choking…Johnny had stopped breathing.  

“Johnny…”  Daniel looked over at him.  He was almost gone himself but not nearly as bad of shape as Johnny Lawrence.  His rival and his friend.  “JOHNNY!”   Daniel cried rolling over on top of him, shaking him.  “Breathe…Johnny…Breathe…don’t…DON’T DO THIS!!” 

Daniel frantically pulled on Johnny’s shirt, near singed to his body.  He was blistered.  It was bad.  “NO!”  He pounded on Johnny’s chest.  The medical team pushed past Daniel and got to work on Johnny.  Daniel refused to leave his side.  He grabbed a soot covered hand and held onto it for dear life.  “Don’t…you can’t leave me…” 

A gasp.  A gagging breath. A squeeze of Daniel’s hand.  Johnny’s blackened face turned towards him and he opened his eyes again…slowly.  “Had you goin’ there for a minute…didn’t I, LaRusso.”  He coughed and sputtered and closed his eyes, not letting go of Daniel’s hand.  

“You’re a dick…you do realize that.”  Daniel said finally allowing himself a small smile.  

“How are you holding up?”  An EMT asked beside him.  

“I’m fine…just…just make sure you take care of him.”

“He’s lucky to have a friend like you.”  

Daniel didn’t say anything.  Just held on to Johnny’s hand as they were loaded up into the awaiting ambulance. 

[artificialqueens]

New Man Pt. 5 // Don't Leave (Biadore) - Fucking Awful.

[A/N: We’re almost done! Finally time for some payoff. This is a long one, not sorry about it. Song is Don’t Leave by Snakehips and MØ, here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQGcfudKBBs Enjoy!]

Danny finished sound check later than he’d hoped, with just a few minutes before the club’s doors opened and an hour until the show. Thank God I’m not getting into drag tonight. He had been performing more and more frequently as Danny, undefined by gender or need to wear specific clothes, makeup or wigs unless he felt like it. It was part of the liberation of moving to Seattle, and in this moment he was especially glad because it made his prep time pretty short.

Danny thanked the band and the sound engineers as he dipped backstage to get ready. He kept on his black jeans and Docs, slipping a red-and-black flannel over a black mesh crop top and leaving it half buttoned. He considered putting on one of his wigs – his long witchy black one, or maybe even the bright red mermaid wig as a throwback – but decided against it. Already self-conscious and nervous, a wig would just give him one more thing to be anxious about. As if I don’t have enough to freak out about tonight.

“Fuck, man.” Danny sat in front of the mirror, catching a glimpse of himself for the first time all day. He had black bags under his eyes, evidence of insomnia from the night before. After the Brunch-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named, it had been an exhausting afternoon: Screaming at Shane over the phone (and later calling to apologize, only to get voicemail), rambling like a crazy person to Jinkx and Ben, panicking over his text messages to Roy, crying to his mom for a few hours, venting to Alaska, apologizing to the Seattle crew, and watching Trainwreck 3 times high with Johnny to get his mind off of everything. 

Still, after all of that, he couldn’t sleep. Even though Roy had said he would come to the show, Danny was to worried and wired to shut his mind off. He pulled his phone out to read the texts for the millionth time:

The first message: If you want me there, I’m there.

Followed immediately by a second: You’re right, we have a lot to talk about. But I won’t let you down.

And the third and final, coming a few hours later, that freaked Danny out: I’m so sorry, kid.

What does he mean, I’m sorry? What’s he going to say? It was that last text that played on a loop every time Danny closed his eyes, kept him awake. The way he saw it, Roy didn’t have anything to apologize for. Yes, he had been an idiot not to tell Danny about his breakup – especially if he was going to try to make out with him. And yes, he shouldn’t have distanced himself from Danny since the move. Of course, he never should’ve started dating that piece of shit in the first place…

Ok, so maybe Roy did have some things to be sorry about. But still, that text just didn’t sit right with Danny. Getting increasingly anxious, he decided to smoke a quick bowl before he dove into his makeup. He packed a small-ish bowl and as he was about to light it –

“You know smoking is bad for your voice, Daniel.”

What in the fuck? Danny whipped around, shocked to hear that accent. “Shane?!” He threw down the pipe and ran over to Australian, nearly tackle-hugging him at full sprint.

“Someone has to be here to keep you in line. How are you, babe?” Shane sat them back by the makeup table. “Besides the obvious.”

Shit. Danny didn’t realize how bad the bags under his eyes were. “I know, I was just about to cover them up. I look like a fucking raccoon.”

“Not that, you idiot. Look, I know what’s going on. After you called me screaming like a deranged banshee yesterday –“

“I’m really sorry about that, I tried to call you –“

“Hush. After you called me, did you really think I wasn’t going to turn around and call Roy? Honestly, you both can be so dim sometimes. Anyways, I called him and he filled me in on what happened in the last few days.”

Danny sank. “Oh my god, you must think I’m such a shitty person. I swear Shane, I didn’t know what was going on. I never would’ve said any of that if I didn’t…I just…you know how much cheating kills me…and I thought he was – “ He couldn’t get a coherent thought out, so it was time to just ramble “ – He made me feel like I was a whore or something, and I guess I didn’t realize I was mad that he has been avoiding me for so long, and it all came out at once, and I said really awful things to him, things I knew would hurt him as much as I was hurting, and I had been listening to Adele, and – “

“Deep breath pussyface, you’ve got a show to do.” Shane cut him off. “And actually it’s the exact opposite. Roy is pinning it all on himself. You two really are a match.”

At that, Danny cracked a smile for half a second – before panicking again. “No! Wait it’s not his fault. I mean, yeah he did some fucked up shit that he should definitely explain, but then he just walked away and left without a fight.”

“Danny, what else could he have done in that situation? He was at a table full of your friends, getting put on blast for his relationship and being called a heartless – “

“Ok how was I supposed to know what” – Danny tried to defend himself, but he was quickly blocked.

“Hey, I’m not blaming you. Not at all, babe. You’re both idiots, but that isn’t news to me.” Danny was a little offended, but he also knew that (at least in this case) Shane was right.

He continued. “You both reacted the way I knew you would – that you knew you would, if we’re being honest.”

Again, Shane was on the money. In his endless analysis of yesterday’s events, Danny had always known that blowing up at brunch would just make Roy retreat into himself. While Bianca Del Rio was always ready for a fight, if you managed to really cut Roy Haylock he’d need to lick his wounds. It was the same way Roy should’ve thought about how Danny would react to cheating…

“But you can’t keep doing this, dancing around things. If this weekend is any indication, you’re both going to kill each other if you can’t just come clean and figure out how to be together. I’ve heard you both say a million times how in love you are with the other one – you owe it to yourselves to say it to each other for once.”

Fuck, when did he get so smart? “Damn, Shane.”

He looked pleased with himself. “I had a whole 2 hour plane ride to think of that.” Danny had to laugh a bit at Shane’s sudden smugness.

“There’s that smile I love!” Shane went in for a hug. “Ok, so now the fun part.” Shane clapped his hands together in excitement, distinctly looking like a blonde twink Mary Poppins. “What are we going to do about this? What’s the big rom-com move that’s going to put all of this back on track?”

“Oh god, don’t ruin it by calling it a rom-com move.” Danny shoved him off, lovingly. “I have something in mind, but I don’t know if he’s going to feel it. I don’t even know if he wants to fix it, his response to coming to the show was so weird.”

Shane looked confused. “What do you mean? I was talking to him when he texted you back” – Danny shot him a raised eyebrow – “and I thought his response was really sweet.”

Danny grabbed his phone and pulled up the texts to show him. “You thought ‘I’m so sorry, kid.’ was a sweet response? Does that mean something different in Australia?”

“What? Let me see that.” Shane grabbed for the phone, and let out an exasperated sign when he finished reading. “Ugh, that little troll sent that after we all left –“

“We all?”

“Me, Jinkx and Dela, yeah. When we hung up –“

“A full fucking army - What was going on yesterday?”

“Oh please, like you both don’t need as many people as possible to help you triage this situation. How many phone calls did you make yesterday after we talked?” Danny was silent, busted. He made a doe-eyed face at Shane, one he knew always made him laugh at how transparent it was.

“Uh huh, that’s what I thought.”

“Ok whatever. The point is, is he going to forgive me for what I said? Because if not –“

“Danny, I think that man would forgive you anything. You could murder one of his dogs, he’d just buy a knew one and name it Adore. You just need to nut up and show him you’d do the same. Show him you want him to stay, and fight for this the way you want him to.”

Danny cracked a smile. “That I can do.”

—

Shane sat with him in the dressing room, helping Danny stay calm and get ready. He did keep trying to talk Danny into all kinds of crazy makeup and outfits for the night, but Danny stood firm in his choice – he had to feel 100% himself tonight. The only way this was going to work was if he was honest and vulnerable, no face or fashion for armor. He kept his outfit, throwing on a quick smoky eye and dark bruja lip and keeping his shoulder-length hair down.

When the club manager came in to give a 15-minute warning, Shane left to go join Roy, Jinkx, Ben and Johnny in the VIP balcony. He gave one final bear hug, moving in for a cheek kiss before Danny could stop him from leaving a lip print.

“Even if you just wear Chapstik, I don’t want that shit all over me.” Danny hugged him tighter.

“Very funny, you cunt. Now go get your man.”

—

Once the show started, Danny was finally able to settle his nerves. If there was one thing he could count on, it was that being on stage would feel like home. In his element, he was invincible.

Thank God they’re in the balcony, I just wish they’d turn down those fucking lights. Danny could easily spot Roy at the front of the second level, but the stage lights were just bright enough to block a real view of his face. He tried to divide his attention evenly between the roughly 100 people packed into the intimate venue, but his focus kept veering back to the balcony. He hoped Roy was smiling, dancing, laughing – anything that involved enjoying himself and not hating Danny.

He had some cause for concern here, mostly because of the songs he was doing that night. It hadn’t occurred to him while running the set list, but Danny might be sending a mixed message: he did “I Can’t Love You,” “ICU,” and “Save Your Breath” from the last album, but at least those were standbys that (he hoped) Roy remembered were a standard part of his show now. He had also worked “I Adore You” back into rotation, and was really proud of his covers of “Million Reasons” and “Perfect Illusion” – all together, they kind of said the opposite of what he wanted to put out there tonight.

So when it came time to close, Danny knew he needed to make a show out of it. Let’s go, Noriega. Give him what he came for. His heart was beating in overdrive, half nerves and half performance.

“Alright guys, thanks so much for coming out tonight. I love all you and this city so goddamn much, and the fact that you come to see me as Danny as much as you come to Adore is so amazing. I really appreciate each and everyone of you from the bottom of my heart.” He paused to take in the cheers, electrified by the energy of the crowd.

“Because I feel so comfortable with you guys, I want to try something new. There’s a cover I’ve been working on for – ok, if I’m being real the last 12 hours, but I’m really feeling it right now and I want to share it with you. Is that something you guys would be into?” Again, the crowds cheered and Danny felt empowered. I really am fucking Tinkerbell.

“Alright, fuck yeah! First, can we drop the lights real quick?” The lighting tech shut off the majority of the lights on the stage, save for a spotlight on Danny. “Oh shit, no not that. Full lights, just a little – dimmer? I wanna see…everyone.” Danny looked pointedly towards where he knew Roy was standing, hoping understood that he just wanted to see him.

After a minute or so of Danny awkwardly vamping, the crew got it. “Clap for the tech team, everybody. God knows they’re the real heroes here. Ok…ok so I better get on with it.”

He was starting to get nervous again, but refused to let it get the best of him. Just like he’d rehearsed, Danny sauntered over to the drummer and pulled up a second stool to sit down. He needed to set the pace and kick it off.

“So this song is the fucking jam, but just yesterday it started to really mean something to me. And since I’m not always the best at expressing my feelings the right way, I think this song might help me out. So, um, let’s do it.”

After a few whoops and hollers, the audience took Danny’s cue to be silent. He put his foot on the pedal to the kick drum, and started pounding a steady rhythm. After a few beats to set the pace, he started to sing: 

You know me, now and then I’m a mess Please don’t hold that against me

Danny had closed his eyes, but he could hear the audience cheer in recognition of the Snakehips track. He kept pounding the rhythm, waiting for them to die down again before continuing:

I’m a girl with a temper and heat I know I can be crazy

Pausing again for effect, Danny looked up and opened his eyes to finally see the face he’d searched for all night looking back at him. Roy’s gaze was locked on his, his expression unreadable.

Danny’s monologue ran as he held the pause – You’re only 4 bars in, keep going. He broke the stare to stand up and cue the drummer, who did a quick roll-off to start the rest of the band and the synth track.

But I’m not just a fuck up, I’m the fuck up you need I don’t see nobody when you focus on me Perfectly imperfect, yeah I hope that you see, tell me you’ll see ‘Cuz I know that you’ve been thinking ‘bout it

He could feel the performance energy building inside of him again, nerves falling away. This is going to work, Danny reassured himself as he launched into the crashing chorus:

Don’t leave, shut your mind off and let your heart breathe You don’t need to be worried I may not ever get my shit together But ain’t nobody gonna love you better

He moved around the stage, trying to get the best possible view of Roy without looking totally manic. No stranger to the stage, Danny knew he needed to let the song build and continued the chorus:

Don’t go, what we have here is irreplaceable No I won’t trade this for nothing I may not ever get my shit together But ain’t nobody gonna love you better than me

 As Danny floated out of the chorus, he was able to see just enough of Roy’s face to catch a sad half smile. Fuck, that’s not what I want. He started to focus more of his energy towards Roy, using the only thing he felt he could – music – to fight for him:

 In a room full of people, with you I don’t see anybody else When we fight and you’re right, so sorry I make it just so difficult

Danny made a spur of the moment choice to change some words, hoping it would make the message come through more clearly. He locked eyes into Roy’s face just in time for:

But you’re not just the fuck up, you’re the fuck up I love We ain’t like nobody else, tell me so what Perfectly imperfect, yeah baby that’s us, baby that’s us ‘Cuz I know that you’ve been thinking ‘bout it

Moving back into the chorus, this time with a bit more pleading, Danny started to feel uneasy. The song was ending, he had no idea if it was having the desired effect, and he just needed to keep moving. Taking advantage of the stage’s two-tiered setup – admittedly odd for a smallish club like this one – he cantered up the ramp to take an elevated position behind the band.

Well, fuck me – that was all Danny could think once he looked up and out. In that moment, the universe somehow aligned into a perfect goddamn moment and Danny was in a music video. The lighting tech must’ve seen what he was doing and, knowing the song, dropped all the lights around him so that he was basically basking in soft spotlight as he hit the song bridge:

Sitting in the living room, you look at me, I stare at you See the doubt, but see the love I have and it is all for you

The focused lights made it so that he could see clear through to Roy, finally sustaining the connection he’d been looking for all night. Time to sell it, bitch.

Let me wrap myself around you, baby Let me tell you you are everything you are Losing my words, I don’t know where to start

 Roy was starting to smile, in earnest now, and Danny couldn’t help but do the same. He was feeling electrified again, but not by the crowd this time. It was Roy, all Roy, always Roy. His felt his heart swelling in his chest, like the fucking Grinch except it was going to explode.

Needing to cut out every possible distraction or barrier that could block him from talking directly to Roy in this moment, Danny yanked out his earpiece as he threw himself into the final crescendo of the song:

But baby, don’t leave me Shut your mind off and let your heart hear me I won’t trade this for nothing

Danny had never felt this energy onstage before, the combination of the audience and Roy giving him all kinds of life. Hitting the final note, he a little was thankful for all the cellphone cameras in the audience to catch this:

I may not ever get my shit together, but ain’t nobody gonna love you better

It was already a long note, but Danny belted out the last word for a good 12 extra beats before doubling over to take a deep breath. He could vaguely hear Shane yelling out a prolonged “Yass!” as he jumped breathlessly back into the final chorus.

As the song finished, the audience erupted in applause. “So, didya like it?” Danny asked coyly into the mic while being nearly drowned out by the cheers. “Thank you guys so much, thank you so- “

He looked up into the balcony to see an empty space where Roy had been, their friends looking around in confusion. In a split second Danny was back in a panic, standing slack-jawed on on stage still holding a microphone but saying nothing. Shane saw him and shrugged, mouthing “I don’t know, I’m sorry.”

The flash from a camera brought Danny back to reality, realizing he needed to get off stage and fucking find Roy. “Sorry about that guys, guess I lost the oxygen to my brain for a sec. Thank you so much for coming, you’re all beautiful. Love you.” He blew a kiss and handed the microphone off to the bass player as he ran off stage.

Danny didn’t make it more than 30 steps to his dressing room before he was once again pinned up against a wall, feeling Roy’s lips crashing down on his. And again he smiled underneath the kiss, but this time he did not break it.

—

It’s happening? It’s really happening. Fuck! Danny’s brain was a mess of repetitive reassurances that he was finally in the middle of a full-on make out session with Roy after 3 years of waiting. There was no point in trying to think coherently, because the rest of his body was pulling focus. He felt currents running to his lips, hands, chest, creeping increasingly south – the nerve endings firing were not in his head.

The only sense working for him right now was touch, and it was doing a damn good job keeping him occupied. Danny was drinking in every sensation: Roy’s lips moving against his, with just the right amount of aggression and care; Roy’s hands moving from his shoulders, gliding firmly across his chest and up to reach his face; Roy’s hair in his fingers as Danny reached to grab something – gently – in response; the lack of air in both of their lungs but unwillingness to break away; the slight hum of Roy’s mouth and tongue as Danny opened up to let him in and they both purred in approval.

Danny felt like he was about to go into some kind of sensory overload as he opened his stance, in the same moment grabbing Roy’s hips to pull them totally flush against each other. They both broke the kiss suddenly – half due to actually needing some oxygen intake, and half at the pleasant shock of the new contact between their hips.

Danny took only half a second to take stock of the dick he felt quickly hardening against his own: Well, this is going to be a fun challenge. He had seen Roy naked a thousand times on the road – they were drag queens on a tour bus, after all – but he’d never felt it. He broke a laugh, thinking about how embarrassed Roy had been the first time Danny saw him de-dragging –

“What’s so funny?” Roy was laughing, too, but there was something different about his eyes. As he laughed he was staring into Danny, keeping that electric current running between them even when their lips unlocked.

Danny smiled even wider. “Nothing, I’ll tell you later.” The last words were mumbled, on account of him diving back into a kiss with Roy. They went on like that for a while, making out like a couple of teenagers in a janitor’s closet during lunch. Danny could’ve sworn it wasn’t more than 30 seconds, but he was proven wrong when –

“Danny, you found him? We’ve been looking outside and in the crowd for a half hour and – oh shit!” Shane, Jinkx and Ben came barreling into the backstage area to see Danny still pinned up against the wall, one leg wrapped around Roy and all wandering hands.

Danny felt Roy put only half an inch of space between their lips, enough to get out a grumbly, “Yes, he found me. Now can you please leave us alone?” before immediately picking up where he left off.

“I – uh – see – well you guys…” Ben was trying unsuccessfully to get something out, so Jinkx jumped in to save him.

“What Dela’s trying to say is that you can do whatever you want, but you probably shouldn’t do it here. We were out looking for you guys and heard a a couple of people saying you guys were back here sucking face. And while I fully support all of” – Jinkx gestured at the tangle of limbs that was Roy and Danny – “this, you should probably do a little problem-solving before your face suck gets social media official.”

This time Roy pulled away fully, moving them both away from the wall. “I hate to say it Danny, but the narcoleptic’s right. We do need to talk.”

Danny felt the nerves and the panic coming back. Never in the history of his relationships (or any others he knew of, for that matter) had any version of ‘we need to talk’ been a good thing. He grabbed for Roy’s hand instinctively, trying to stop him from walking away. The deer-in-the-headlights look must’ve registered clearly on his face, because –

“Relax, kid. Let’s talk in the dressing room. I’m not going anywhere.” Roy smiled at Danny, melting away the fear instantly.

Danny reached up to wipe away the lipstick marks he had left sloppily across Roy’s face – in what had apparently been a 30-minute face fuck, Jesus – but his hand was swatted away.

“You’ve got my purple lipstick all over your face, baby.” God it felt good to call him that again – and mean it this time.

Roy shook his head and chortled. “Trust me, I don’t mind.” He led Danny to the dressing room, shutting the door firmly behind them.

—

“So, given what just happened, I think it would be best for us to just sit” – Roy let go of Danny’s hand and lightly pushed him down into one makeup chair, walking across to the other side of the small room – “apart. So that we can think clearly.”

“You just can’t resist me, can you?” Danny was enjoying the effect he seemed to have on Roy, making faux-seductive faces to try and pull out some laughs to keep the mood light. Looking over at Roy, he could see him approaching the same level of uncomfortable that he was feeling. It was rare that he saw anything but steely resolve, laughter or compassion on that dimpled face, so it was strange to see Roy looking so vulnerable. “So we should – “

“I’d actually like to start, if you don’t mind. Is that ok?” Roy cut him off, but seemed to be genuinely asking for permission to speak first. What a rarity. Danny nodded in agreement, taking deep breaths to reassure himself.

“Thanks.” Roy started in on a monologue, his face looking down at his hands in his lap. “Alright so – I have to start with an apology. Not just an apology for what happened this weekend, we’ll get to that later. I owe you an – Danny I am so sorry for the way things have been the last few months. I should’ve told you when I first – fuck, let me just lay it out.”

He looked up to lock eyes with Danny, who himself was too afraid to blink for the whole run-on of the speech. “I have been in love with you for years. I didn’t know it at first, and Lord knows I tried to cover it up by dating other people, but I am so fucking madly in love with you that I’m not myself without you anymore. I am so sorry for not realizing it sooner, and for pushing you away every time you tried to show me what I couldn’t see myself.”

Roy looked back to his hands, which Danny already recognized as his self-conscious tendency. “But when you left…when you left for Seattle, it felt like I lost my chance. I lost the only chance at love I was ever going to have, because I can’t love anyone else – at least not the way I love you, which is the only way it’s worth it. So yeah, when you moved I became distant and I tried to find something else to make me happy but it never worked and I –“

Danny couldn’t bear to hear Roy beat himself up like this any further. “Roy, just stop. It’s ok. Really, I understand. I love you, too, and I’ve been in that dark place, but now we can just –“

“No Danny, we can’t just.” Roy cut him off sharply, taking Danny by surprise. He must’ve registered a hurt look on his face, because Roy softened immediately.

“Sorry, I mean we can’t just sweep things under the rug. Not if we want this to work, and that is literally the only thing I want in the world right now. Ok maybe we don’t have to go through all the apologies – as you clearly laid out in your song there, we are both fuck ups – but we need to talk about some real shit.”

Danny couldn’t deny that at least. He’d seen too many promising relationships turn sour because of haste, and there were some real things they needed to lay out on the table.

“You’re right. And here we find ourselves, locked in a dressing room, with nothing but time. So let’s talk.” Danny was proud of himself for taking charge and being so forthcoming. “Let’s…well why don’t we run through them – everything that’s kept us apart in the past. If we agree none of them are actual deal-breakers – ”

“Then I get to start sucking your dick?” Roy cracked in full Bianca voice, and Danny couldn’t help but laugh. Bianca’s always there to break the tension, that bitch.

“Ok stop, take this seriously.” He reached to try and swat at Roy, but he was too far away. “In fact, let’s start there. The first thing that worries me is that you don’t take me seriously, that I’m always going to be a 23-year-old joke to you. You know, a charity case.” Danny made the first offering, trying to ease into it with a little humor.

“Oh, bitch.” Roy replied, unable to help himself from laughing for half a second. “You know that charity bullshit was the only thing I could come up with to stop myself from saying ‘Yes, I’d very much like to fuck this young boy, RuPaul” on national television.”

This wasn’t doing much to soothe Danny’s fears. “But that was three years ago, and I have seen you grow into such an amazing man…It’s been a privilege to be a part of your life and see you realize the crazy, creative, intelligent – yeah, I said intelligent –fiercely independent person that I always knew you were. And I want to be by your side while you live an incredible life, because I know you will. There is nothing about you that is a joke to me, Daniel. I promise.”

How am I going to follow that? Danny wondered internally.

Roy started again. “So now it’s my turn.” Danny steeled himself for what Roy was about to say, expecting the worst. “I’m worried about the age thing. Before you say something, I’m not worried about your age; I’m worried about mine. I don’t want you to feel like you missed out on having – “

“Ok let me stop you right there. I’m not missing out on having anything. Trust me when I say I’ve had plenty –“ Roy laughed again, but Danny pressed on – “Oh fuck off, you know what I mean! I’ve had more than enough relationship experiences and adventures to know that the only one I want to have now or ever again is ours. I’d trade a thousand random hook-ups from the the last three years if it meant spending more time with you – really with you.”

From what Danny could tell, Roy was satisfied with the answer – he was smiling like an idiot, if that was any indication. He took this as his cue to go next.

“Ok, so I’m nervous that you’re too scared to take this risk because you’re worried about what people will say. To be honest I always thought that was the main reason that we never got together, that you were worried about how other people would react.”

Roy took a few beats to respond, making Danny’s skin crawl with nerves. Did I find the deal-breaker?

“I…I understand why you might think that. To be honest, at one point, maybe it was true. Or at least a factor. But now, Danny…now I couldn’t give less of a shit about what other people have to say. You are what makes me happiest, happier than I’ve ever been. Apparently all our friends and family know anyway, so as far as the rest – well who gives a fuck? I don’t want to hide, I want to climb on top of this theater and scream in my damn foghorn of a voice that I am in love with Danny Noriega and plan to tell the world that everyday. Would that be ok with you?”

Danny couldn’t help but blush a little at that one. “Yeah, I guess that would be cool.” He started half-consciously scooting his chair over towards Roy.

“I thought it might be. So my turn again…” Danny could see Roy take a deep breath, gearing up for something heavy.

“This one is tough to put into words, but I’m going to try. I’m worried that I can’t give you what you need. I know that everything that happened this weekend was a mess, but I’m actually genuinely scared sometimes that I can’t show you the same love that you show me. I promise you I feel it, I feel it so strong, in every fingernail and eyelash and breath…” Roy trailed off, and Danny could see him struggling. He kept scooting his chair forward, unable to stop his body from trying to envelop Roy in a hug.

He continued. “You do everything so honestly and openly, with this incredible sense of fun and spontaneity and energy…I don’t want to dull that in you or make you any less…any less Danny. I don’t want to be Prince Eric, making you sell your voice and cut off your damn fish tail just to be with me.”

Danny couldn’t help but laugh, partially to break the tension of something real and partially at the reference. He’ll always be here to remind me I’m a mermaid.

Roy pre-empted his next words, stern and serious. “Before you say anything, I want you to actually think about that. In this moment, with our dicks hard and all the emotions, you can’t make a rational decision. I want you to actually think about that tonight.”

“Ok fine, I’ll sleep on it. It’s always good to sleep on it.” Danny saw the logic, but Roy’s insistence that he didn’t already know the answer in his heart was maddening. “But that runs right into the last thing I have to say – and I hoped I wouldn’t have to say it, but clearly I do. I’m worried you’re never going to stop finding reasons we shouldn’t be together.”

There were a few moments of heavy silence, the things they had just shared hanging weightily above them. It was Roy who finally spoke:

“Well I can tell you now that I’m done. I won’t be putting anything in the way of us, but I’m guessing you’ll want me to sleep on it. So why don’t we just do that. You go home, I go to my hotel, and we think. Tomorrow, if we both still – “

“Oh my god, are you proposing the Sex and the City meet-up thing?” Danny broke into hysterical laughter. “Roy you cannot be serious – “

“C’mon, we might as well do this the right way. Tomorrow, if we both still feel like being together is what we really want, let’s meet back here. We can meet before Shane’s show – they booked last minute him when they heard Courtney was in town. We can meet back in that balcony I was in tonight. And then – “

“And then I get to start sucking your dick?” Danny parroted back at him in his best Bianca impression, not resisting the opportunity to be ridiculous in this moment that was clearly already ridiculous.

“Yes bitch, you get to suck my dick.” Roy stood up and closed the increasingly smaller gap between him and Danny, bending down to kiss him again. “But you’ll have to settle for just this right now.” He lifted Danny up out of the chair and placed him on the counter. They spent a few moments back in their heaven, starting to explore necks and ears and chests, until there was a knock at the door.

“Hey guys? We gotta go, they’re closing out the venue.” Shane could be heard muffled through the door.

Danny reached for Roy and pulled him in for one last deep kiss, trying desperately to put all his longing and passion and love into that one embrace. Then he hopped off the counter, smacked Roy’s ass, and walked over to the door.

“You better show up tomorrow, Miranda.” And with a wink, he followed Courtney out the door.

Danny would be there the next day, there was never any doubt in his mind. It was Roy or nothing, and he’d be damned if he was going to have nothing.

Now he just hoped Roy would do the same.

[brianjaeger]

2018 Academy Award Best Picture Nominees Guide For Those Who Haven’t Actually Watched Them

Time sure does fly, and here we are again - it’s time for the Oscars! For 90 years, the Academy Awards have provided us a totally unbiased chance to have Hollywood tell us what art is worthy of our time. Of all the cinematic art created within the last year, we’ll finally be told which art was truly the best art and who the single best people are who participated in that art! As an added bonus, they’ll also tell us which people died since last year who we should give a shit about! (Spoiler alert - it’s not your dumb ass non-actress grandma!)

The return of the Oscars also means that a bunch of movies came out that I was supposed to see - but haven’t! So, without further ado, here is what I THINK this year’s Best Picture nominees are about based on their titles and scant knowledge of the films’ themes - with the bonus of a few comments that you can make at your Oscars parties so everyone thinks you’re a cinematic genius.

Here we go!

The Shape of Water

Guillermo del Toro is back at it again, this time the acclaimed director found an old notebook from 5th grade that said, “Fishman - A fish dude lives in a tank and some lady finds him. *Work on narrative.” In this magical dose of cinematic wonder, we get to see the reason why your mother always warned you not to touch yourself in the ocean. She was right!

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

Because water is a liquid state of matter, it actually takes on the form of whatever container it is placed in...just like blood.

If I ever had a pet fish monster, like the one in this movie, ya know what I'd name him? Gil.

There is a touching scene where Gil the Fish Monster is confused by a fork and that actress I don’t know says, "Dinglehopper." But then laughs at his confusion and says, "Naw, fishface. This shit's a fork," and then they make out.

Darkest Hour

This movie is told from the perspective of a toilet owned by a Midwestern family and takes place about two hours after a large Thanksgiving meal.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

Who knew that Gary could be so convincing as an...old man.

The ending where Churchill realizes that the lights AREN’T actually off and he’s just had his eyes closed for the last hour is a real knee-slapper.

I’m glad that the only time we have to worry about Nazi’s are in these type of movies based on events from nearly 8 decades ago that we’ve all learned from and become a better human race as a result of those lessons.

Dunkirk

It was just another summer for 8-year-old Sam Darlington - that is until Dunkirk came to his doorstep. The touching story of a “stray” dog who has more than just “Bark” to say! How does Sam keep a talking dog silent who has more than a few things on his mind?! A whole town will change this summer! Oh, and it turns out that Dunkirk is all just the violently unstable hallucinations of an addict who turned to drugs after a lifetime of physical and mental abuse. Dunkirk: He’s The Product of Severe Trauma!

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

If you look closely, there is a scene where a young Steve Rogers can be seen in the background pissing his pants.

I was shocked at the end when I realized that every single person lived. I thought that was neat. My mind was blown, and I was sure they had gone too far, when they jumped from a war into a war WITHIN a war.

Phantom Thread

A mysterious, disfigured musical genius living in the subterranean labyrinth beneath the Opera Populaire becomes obsessed with one member of a local sewing circle. His twisted ways of showing affection lead to a musical of yearning and horror for his angel of cross-stitch.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

Daniel Day-Lewis went full method actor for this role. During filming, Day-Lewis absolutely REFUSED to wear any article of clothing that did not contain threads.

This was initially going to be a sequel to 27 Dresses called 28 Dresses: The Phantom Thread.

Paul Thomas Anderson made this movie specifically because he wanted to have a film with the same first two initials as his name.

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

One billboard tells the story of an Arby’s off Exit 273. Another says, “Reading this? This could be your ad!” The final is a disturbingly graphic anti-abortion ad that contrasts poorly with the next billboard advertising a Mexican restaurant with big, bold product shots.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

It's rumored that during the Oscars, the REAL three billboards on whom the movie is based will come on stage to receive a standing ovation for the struggle and sacrifice they made which paved the way for generations of billboards to come afterward.

Frances McDormand had to have the large key embedded into her back rewound 6-7 times per day to generate her performance.

If a guy named Bill ever actually visited Ebbing, Missouri, I bet he’d say, “Bill’s bored.” (Cackle and spit wine.)

Get Out

Brian Williams’s daughter brings her African-American boyfriend home, and Brian (played by Bradley Whitford) accidentally mentions that the helicopter that he was in was never under fire. In order to cover up his lie, Williams has his voodoo witch wife cast spells on all black people to keep them from telling the truth - just to be safe.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

This should win. (Believe me. Just say it.)

What am I drinking, you ask? Well, I decided to make a drink that I call the Daniel Kahlúa in order to celebrate the movie.

Keegan-Michael Key is truly thrilled for Jordan Peele’s critical success. Truly.

The Post

Where Karl Malone fucking dominated.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

This is actually a reimagining of the movie Big in which Josh Baskin instead of saying he wants to be big, says that he wants to be editor-in-chief of The Washington Post during the early 1970′s.

This not winning the Best Picture award would be...fake news. Am I right? (Slowly back out of the room.)

In the director’s cut, you see that Spielberg actually originally cast the same actor who played E.T. in the role played by Bradley Whitford - but he started turning sickly and white due to atmospheric conditions and kept asking to go home.

Call Me by Your Name

The story of a young John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt. After catching the eye of an attractive older man, he approaches and introduces himself. The older man’s eyes grow large at hearing the name. His lips curl into an intoxicating smile as he responds, "John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt? That’s...my name too."

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

By Your Name? I thought Call Me was by Carly Rae Jepsen!

24 - 17 = 7.

During filming, Armie Hammer had to call Johnny Depp every morning to say, “Tonto, I don’t know if I can do it!” Then, Johnny Depp had to speak in a racist Native American stereotype and say, “(Sigh.) Fall in love with the teen boy, Kemosabe.”

Lady Bird

Big Bird’s whimsical trip to Thailand takes an erotically confusing turn when he finds himself in the red light district and shares a night with one of the many Thai Lady Birds.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

(Swirl drink.) This is a lovely Saoirse we’re having, isn’t it?

Interesting. A guy named Greta? I’ve never heard that before, but he did a spectacular job.

In French Lick, this is the name of a very popular drag queen.