#Ferumbras Took III

[tehri]

Something I will never get tired of when it comes to hobbits is this: we don’t know if Lalia Clayhanger’s death was a fucking accident or not.

I mean, seriously. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was an accident, but hobbits gossip a lot, and poor Pearl Took was apparently spotted with a damn pearl necklace that was implied to be a family heirloom, which led people to gossip about how she was rewarded for causing Lalia’s death.

Sure, she was excluded from Ferumbras Took’s accession ceremony when he became the official head of the family. But the fact that she was apparently given this necklace around this time?

Can you imagine poor old Ferumbras Took III standing in the mathom room of the Great Smials, more than a little bit frazzled as he tries to figure out what to give to Pearl? Either to make up for what she had to go through as Lalia’s attendant, or as a “thank you”?

Hobbit rumour-mill: look at Pearl Took, she’s wearing a pearl necklace! That’s a Took heirloom, isn’t it? stars above she must’ve been rewarded for killing Lalia!

Meanwhile, Ferumbras Took III, Thain for 22 years, suddenly becoming the Head of the Tooks: stars above, what do you give to a lass who just put an end to one’s eternal torment?! how does one thank a lass for ensuring that one does not need to live to see one’s horrid old hag of a mother get as old as the Old Took?! a necklace???? maybe???

[mamahersh]

So, this is when I wish I was actually good at writing.

All I know is that I want a “Bilbo Takes the Ring to Mordor” that is canon setting accurate. Like, Turgon is Steward and Ecthelion is raising his young child Denethor in Gondor; Thengel is helping out Ecthelion and Turgon while his father Fengel is being a bitch in Rohan; Mordor is crawling with orcs and all the Nazgul are in Minas Morgul because Sauron just came “home” from Dol Guldur getting stormed by the White Council right before the Battle of Five Armies. Like, is it bad I want “to change the course of the future” but with a timeline that makes sense? I mean, “Paths That Lead Home” was close, suuuuper close to what I was hoping for, just not enough orc dodging and too much Frodo.

Ok, just, hear me out: Bilbo, either right after an ‘Everyone Lives AU’ ending of the otherwise canon BotFA, or 10 years bumming about in the Shire finally lets Gandalf know about the Ring who then quickly gets back to Bilbo about how it’s probably a lot worse than he initially thought, and calls together a council of Free Peoples. Bilbo goes to council meeting up with Kili, Gloin, and Dwalin (interchangeable dwaves here), Ecthelion II (or potentially a *very* young Denethor (21) if 10 years later) and his most trusted (guard, friend? unclear) Thengel (if right after botfa), Legolas, and Elrond. (Bilbo optionally sneaks a hobbit or two along, most likely one of his many cousins (looking at the potentially more adventurous ones: Drogo (maybe, depends if 10 years later), Rorimac Brandybuck, Ferumbras III Took, MAYBE Holman Greenhand if he was as close to Bilbo as Sam was to Frodo, possibly one of his unnamed female cousins on the Took side.))   From here, we go about it like to change the course of the future and have an epic quest across Middle Earth where Saruman is beginning to act weird, Gandalf is sick and tired of his quests always requiring dwarves, Kili is not liking the lack of Fili™, Gloin’s going to stab Legolas just you wait and see, Ecthelion and Thengel are bros (but they really can’t wait to see their wife/gf again), and Bilbo just wants to go home where things like gold and Rings don’t ruin his life and the only thing he has to worry about are sticky fingered tweens and forgetting tea time.

[ao3feed-tolkien]

For Wonderful Domesticity

read it on the AO3 at http://bit.ly/2IbE4kN

by Tehri

Love sometimes finds the most unlikely people and pushes them together. Sometimes it is wanted - other times, not so much. And yet it is for love that they remain with each other. Short moments in the lives of different couples.

Words: 5629, Chapters: 4/8, Language: English

Fandoms: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: F/M, M/M

Characters: Pearl Took, Fredegar Bolger, Folco Boffin, Ferumbras Took III, Eglantine Banks, Paladin Took II, Bingo Baggins, Chica Chubb, Rosa Baggins, Hildigrim Took, Ponto Baggins, Mimosa Bunce, Gerontius Took, Mungo Baggins, Original Male Character(s)

Relationships: Pearl Took/Original Male Character(s), Fredegar Bolger/Folco Boffin, Ferumbras Took III/Original Male Character(s), Eglantine Banks/Paladin Took II, Bingo Baggins/Chica Chubb, Rosa Baggins/Hildigrim Took, Ponto Baggins/Mimosa Bunce, Gerontius Took/Mungo Baggins

Additional Tags: Romance, Love, Idiots in Love, Married Couple, Marriage, Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Hatemance Crackship lives, Told myself I'd never write that one, and yet here we are

read it on the AO3 at http://bit.ly/2IbE4kN

[msmerriam]

Chapters: 18/? Fandom: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield, Mentioned Dáin Ironfoot/Dáin Ironfoot's Wife: OFC Jovina, Mentioned Glóin/Glóin's Wife: OFC Súna, Dwalin/Ori (Tolkien), past Elrond/Celebrian, Elrond/Lindir, Elladan/Kíli (Tolkien), Bofur/Nori (Tolkien), Arathorn II/Gilraen, Mentioned Elrohir/Haldir of Lothlórien, Gimli (Son of Glóin)/Legolas Greenleaf, Merry Brandybuck/Pippin Took, Fíli/Merry Brandybuck/Pippin Took, Hildifons Took/Dáin Ironfoot, possible Beorn (Tolkien)/Tauriel (Hobbit Movies), Past Thranduil/Thranduil's Wife: OFC Aearlin, mentioned Elros the Guard (Hobbit Movies)/Galion (Tolkien) Characters: Bilbo Baggins, Thorin Oakenshield, Ferumbras Took III, Fortinbras Took II, Lalia Clayhanger, Isumbras Took, Donnamira Took, Mirabella Took, Primula Brandybuck, Hugo Boffin, Otho Sackville-Baggins, Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, Dáin Ironfoot, Thorin III Stonehelm, Dwalin (Tolkien), Balin (Tolkien), Fíli (Tolkien), Kíli (Tolkien), Bifur (Tolkien), Bofur (Tolkien), Bombur (Tolkien), Dori (Tolkien), Nori (Tolkien), Ori (Tolkien), Glóin (Tolkien), Óin (Tolkien), Gandalf | Mithrandir, Radagast | Aiwendil, Elrond Peredhel, Elrohir (Tolkien), Elladan (Tolkien), Lindir (Tolkien), Celebrían (Tolkien), Arwen Undómiel, Galadriel | Artanis, Elf OFC: Eithadis, Gimli (Son of Glóin), Haldir of Lothlórien, Gollum | Sméagol, Great Goblin | Goblin King, Eagles of Manwë, Beorn (Tolkien), Legolas Greenleaf, Spiders of Mirkwood, Tauriel (Hobbit Movies), Thranduil (Tolkien), Meriadoc (Merry) Brandybuck, Peregrin (Pippin) Took, Hildifons Took, Mirkwood Elves, Elros the Guard (Hobbit Movies), Galion (Tolkien), Azog (Tolkien), Bolg (Tolkien), Bard the Bowman, Alfrid Lickspittle, Percy (Hobbit Movies) Additional Tags: Time Travel, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It, Time Travelling Bilbo Baggins, Time Travelling Thorin, dwobbit!Frodo, Fairy!Bilbo, Bilbo is a Fairy, dwarf!Thorin, Yes I did just add that tag, dwobbit!Thorin Stonehelm, Sassy Bilbo Baggins, BAMF Bilbo Baggins, Time Travelling Gimli, Time Travelling Meriadoc (Merry) Brandybuck, Time Travelling Peregrin (Pippin) Took, Kind of Time Travelling Legolas Greenleaf, Legolas remembers when he sees Gimli and two of his fellowship hobbits, Legolas and Tauriel have a brother/sister relationship, fairy!Hildifons Took Summary:

Filled with a lifetime of aches and regrets that he knew was never going to go away, Bilbo resigned himself to dying in the Undying Lands without any sense of closure. Until Yavanna stepped in with the offer of a second chance to save the Royal Line of Durin.

But there's a catch... Bilbo has to do it all as a six-and-a-half-inches tall fairy!

[tehri]

Ferumbras: So Pippin inherited your stiff neck, I take it?

Paladin: He's been at this for days. I don't know what to do about it - he won't listen, he won't LEARN...

Ferumbras: You said he tried to go out clad in all the thickest clothes he could find. I daresay he learned, but took it in the wrong direction.

Paladin: I'd set up some manner of punishment, if not for how he wails and cries each time the bees sting him. Seems punishment enough.

Ferumbras: Except he won't learn from it.

Paladin: Exactly...

Ferumbras: ... Have you tried-

Paladin: We've already told him we won't be hosting Saradoc and Esmeralda and Merry until Yule. Or Bilbo and Frodo.

Ferumbras: ... you may have a problem on your hands, cousin

Paladin: Thank you, I'm very well aware...

[tehri]

Ferumbras: ... Correct me if I'm wrong...

Paladin: Absolutely, I'll be all over any mistake.

Ferumbras: Sarcasm noted. Anyway, your son is normally... not covered in angry red bumps, right?

Paladin: Bee stings.

Ferumbras: Ah. I see. And he hasn't learned yet, I take it?

Paladin: ... Peregrin Took, you'd better get away from the blasted beehive before I turn around, or you're not leaving the smial until you're fifty!

Pippin: But honeycomb!

Paladin: NO, Peregrin!

Ferumbras: It's not worth it, Pippin, just leave it!

Pippin: Cousin Rumble, could you help with-

Ferumbras: I am not taking a single step in the direction of the beehive, lad. I'd like to be welcomed back to the farm in the future.

[tehri]

Paladin: Rumble? What are you doing here?

Ferumbras: Can't help but notice you're looking a bit frazzled, Dinny! All well?

Paladin: No. No, all is not well, I can't find-

Ferumbras: Before you say anything else, I'm here to return a wayward goblin.

Pippin: Hello!

Paladin: PEREGRIN! Where in the world have you been?!

Pippin: ... cousin rumble, are you sure I can't-

Ferumbras: With how furious your father looks? Absolutely not, I like being alive, lad.

[tehri]

Pippin: So... May I stay? Please?

Ferumbras: ... You haven't asked your parents for permission. You played a rather nasty trick on your sisters that'll be a bother for both them and your parents. You did not tell your parents that you were leaving the farm.

Pippin: So... Yes?

Ferumbras: Once you've asked for permission and you've been released from your room in six months, of course.

Pippin: aw

Ferumbras: Up you get. I need to get you back to Whitwell before your father convinces himself that you've been eaten by a badger or something equally horrible...

[tehri]

Pippin: Could I stay? For a month or so?

Ferumbras: Well, Pippin, have you asked your parents about it?

Pippin: Yep.

Ferumbras: Have you? Are you certain? You did walk here all by yourself, and normally your father would drop you off.

Pippin: ... maybe I didn't ask...?

Ferumbras: Uh-huh. Do your poor parents know at all that you've left the farm?

Pippin: Maybe they don't...?

Ferumbras: I see. And what did you do to your sisters that had you feeling like you'd need to leave home for a month?

Pippin: Maybe there was a jar of plum-jam, and maybe I put a bit of jam under their beds, and maybe I opened the windows to let ants in.

Ferumbras: ... So, when did this maybe happen?

Pippin: Yesterday.

Ferumbras: Fleeing the scene before the chaos unravels. Well, if anyone ever doubted that you're a Took, they won't doubt any longer...

[tehri]

Ferumbras: ... Might I ask why you're in my room?

Pippin: Hullo! I'm visiting!

Ferumbras: I can see that. Are you here alone, lad?

Pippin: Yep. It's just me today, I was the only one who could come.

Ferumbras: I see. How did you get here, then? Your father can't have brought you, he would've come looking for me to at least say hello.

Pippin: I walked! All the way from Whitwell, all by myself!

Ferumbras: Did you indeed? Do you know, Pippin, that you have this delightful way of explaining your actions without telling anything about the thoughts behind them?

Pippin: Uncle Saradoc says that sometimes. And father, when he's getting annoyed.

Ferumbras: I bet they do...

[tehri]

Paladin: So, what precisely has made you decide that you need to hide in my home?

Ferumbras: Well, you know... There is a project that one of my Clayhanger cousins wanted me to be in on, and they may have neglected to tell my mother about what it is.

Paladin: ... Would this be the new head of the Clayhanger family, perhaps? Your mother's nephew?

Ferumbras: Yes. And there may be something he wanted to do about the family smial that his father never really got around to doing, and maybe it's going to make mother very angry that she was not asked about it.

Paladin: Lalia is aware that it is the head of the family and the people who live in the smial who decide what to do with it, right?

Ferumbras: Oh, yes. She hates that.

[tehri]

Ferumbras: You know, all things considered, I could have it much worse.

Paladin: How, precisely?

Ferumbras: I could've been the Mayor instead of the Thain.

Paladin: ... Explain your reasoning.

Ferumbras: The Mayor has to make public appearances. Banquets and whatnot. Me? I can sit here on my fat arse and just do my paperwork. Maybe have some tea. Perhaps the occasional business-visit to take care of or the once in a blue moon requests for decisions regarding legal matters. Beyond that, I don't have to deal with other people.

Paladin: Cousin, you could live in a cave in a mountain far, far away and live on nothing but what the land gives you - rocks, mostly - and you would be perfectly happy.

Ferumbras: You make that sound like a bad thing, but trust me, that is my dream. One day I will leave this place behind, and I will find myself a nice cave and settle down, comfortable in the knowledge that you will have to do my job for me from then on and that I will still never have to be the Mayor.

[tehri]

Would get hurt sitting in a padded cell: Paladin, Pippin, Rorimac

Always very narrowly avoiding serious injuries: Ferumbras, Bilbo, Primula, Belladonna

Stuck in thorn-bushes from which there seems to be no escape every other day: Pimpernel, Esmeralda, Merry,

Forever stubbing toes on table- or chair-legs: Frodo, Sam, Drogo, Bungo

Tumbles down a rocky hill only to get up and walk away without bruises or scratches like nothing ever happened: Pearl, Pervinca, Saradoc

[tehri]

Frodo: What do you mean, your family isn't going to Fatty's birthday party? That's a first...

Pippin: Yes, well... Remember how you were ill during Yule, so you couldn't come to visit the Great Smials?

Frodo: Yes? What does that have to do with-

Pippin: Well, there was a really big fight.

Frodo: ... What.

Pippin: Father, Odovacar, and Ferumbras got into a really big fight, and it was pretty bad. Odovacar was worst off because father said he was talking shite and-

Frodo: Language, Pippin! And what do you mean, Odovacar was worst off?

Pippin: Because father quite literally tried to put Odovacar's head through a wall. Anyway, there was an invitation, but mother vetoed any ideas of going on the basis that father and Ferumbras and Odovacar aren't allowed to be in the same room for a while.

Frodo: ... Right... Well, are Saradoc, Esmeralda, and Merry going to Fatty's birthday party, then?

Pippin: I don't think so. Uncle Saradoc was really angry. He lectured father and Odovacar and Ferumbras. Father was scared of him.

Frodo: ... I miss ONE Yule-celebration. ONE. And immediately hobbits try to kill each other.

Pippin: You have a very calming presence.

[tehri]

Paladin: So. Bilbo's making Frodo his heir.

Ferumbras: And I'm already getting letters of complaint from the Sackville-Bagginses. It's a wonderful time, don't you think?

Paladin: They complain to you? Isn't that... a bit pointless?

Ferumbras: Well, you know Lobelia. If she can complain, she will complain to the highest station possible. She'll have nothing to do with the Brandybucks, and the Mayor isn't reading her letters anymore. My mother doesn't care. That leaves me.

Paladin: Let me guess. She's asking if you can't do anything, and working in a lot of gossip and slander and flattery along the way.

Ferumbras: I wrote an answer already.

Paladin: .... This just says "Dear Lobelia. No. Sincerely, Ferumbras Took."

Ferumbras: Is it too long, do you think? Should it just be "No"?

Paladin: It should definitely just be "No".

[tehri]

Eglantine: ... Pearl, what in the world are you wearing?!

Pearl: You realise I've worn these all day, right? I wore them when you herded us onto the ponytrap, and I've not changed. And you only noticed now.

Eglantine: Those clothes are for lads, not lasses!

Pearl: I beg to differ, mother. I am a lass, and I am wearing them. Therefore, they are for a lass.

Eglantine: Pearl... Wait, is that... Is that Ferumbras' old waistcoat?! Oh stars above, please tell me you didn't raid his wardrobe!

Pearl: What? Why would I do that? He gave them to me!

Eglantine: What?!

Pearl: Well, of course I'll have to take in the seams a bit here and there, but it's not so-

Eglantine: WHY?

Pearl: Because they're comfortable! Besides, it's not as though you haven't-

Eglantine: We do NOT talk about that.

Pimpernel: Wait, what? Mother, have you worn lads' clothes?!

Pervinca: When?!

Pippin: That's unfair!

Eglantine: pearl...

Pearl: What?! I've seen you wearing father's waistcoats and trousers! Why is it such an issue when I wear something Ferumbras gave to me?!

Pervinca: Mother! You wore father's clothes?!

Pimpernel: WHAT

Pippin: Why is it alright for lasses to wear lads' clothes, but I can't wear a skirt?!

Eglantine: pearl, why

Pearl: YOU started this conversation!