#Fits like a glove right down to the fact that PDs are sometimes genetic
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Very Strong sneaking suspicion that I might have AVPD
#Fits like a glove right down to the fact that PDs are sometimes genetic#My mom; my grandfather; and my grandfather's mother all have/had what my mom calls the ''[family name] Attitude''#And it's just like. ''We are antisocial fucks who pathologically hate being around other people''#''And you're my kid so you should too and so that is one of the many justifications I offer for having forcibly isolated you since Grade 4''#''Stop telling me you're lonely. [Family name]s are supposed to move out into the middle of buttfuck nowhere in the deep woods --#-- with only their spouse as soon as they possibly can and hide there like that until the day they die.''#''I don't care that you're my kid and we can't get to the deep woods I'm just going to let my whole yard overgrow into a jungle and live --#-- here with Only You for the rest of my life anyway. Close enough. You should be happy about this because you are a [family name].''#And the worst part is that the Live In The Woods With Only One Or Two Very Close Loved Ones absolutely DOES sound VERY appealing#It sounds very peaceful and quiet. I DEEPLY miss being able to go to my grandparents' house and just wander alone in the woods for hours.#I damn sure don't want to do it with her though. I do not love her. She has beaten and tortured me throughout my entire life.#.It speaks#.Rua 🦄#AVPD would...explain a lot...#I rehearse every single potential social situation I could end up in in my head EXCESSIVELY to plan exactly how I will get through it...#...and if I feel there is even a SLIGHT chance that something about it will go sour and become embarrassing/painful to me and I can't --#-- plan out how to shut that Potentially VERY TINY Possibility Of Pain down COMPLETELY AND THOROUGHLY then I just. Will not engage.#It's like paralysis. I just can't. It's Not Safe.#I avoid my own EXTREMELY CLOSE FRIENDS like the plague a lot and I feel EXTREMELY GUILTY about it but --#-- the reason I do it is because I don't feel like I'll be adequate enough social company. Not enough spoons to be Uplifting/Entertaining.#I'm afraid I'll just be a mood drain because I don't have enough energy to spare and THAT causes me Crushing Guilt at the notion of --#-- Inflicting My Presence On People. I don't want to get my bad vibes on anyone.#For the most part just the THOUGHT of attempting to engage socially is so nerve-wracking it's exhausting#So that ITSELF eats up all of my spoons.#>I can't engage because I don't have the energy and I don't want to drag anybody else down >The THOUGHT OF ENGAGING takes all of my energy#But I am miserably lonely
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