#I rehearse every single potential social situation I could end up in in my head EXCESSIVELY to plan exactly how I will get through it...

[crystalkleure]

Very Strong sneaking suspicion that I might have AVPD

[skaylanphear]

Define “Mother”

Summary: Keith gets answers from Krolia and he’s not entirely sure what to think. 

I wrote this a while ago and forgot to post it. 

Chapter 1

"You're my…" Keith couldn't even say the word. As if his tongue were suddenly full of lead, all he could do was stare open-mouthed at the galra woman standing before him. But while the word itself eluded him, the idea itself was pounding around in his brain, echoing the shocked, rushed beat of his heart, which was now fueled by another type of adrenaline.

Over the years, he'd entertained different versions of who his mother could be. Made her up in his head and altered the image to what suited him in the moment. As a child, she's been this warm, soft-featured woman like in all the kids' movies. She'd left because of some reason he didn't know, but that was understandable. And because of that, she'd come back one day. But as the years had worn on, that image had slowly begun to morph into something else. Into a woman that had left and couldn't ever come back, into someone who was "bad" because only bad people abandoned their children. Either she had another family, or was a drug addict, or simply didn't care. In the end, however, he'd come to know one thing for certain.

She'd left because she hadn't wanted him. No matter the reason, that was the only thing he figured could justify her never coming back.

Finding out he was part galra hadn't changed this truth he'd cemented in his psyche. He had the dagger, true. A weapon belonging once to his mother as well as the Blade of Marmora. But even so, he hadn't considered that his mother was actually a member. Maybe the weapon had been passed down. Somehow, that had seemed more likely than the situation before him. If only because it kept intact the vision he'd decided on for the woman that had birthed him.

He didn't know what to do with the galra before him.

"Keith…?"

The sound of her voice startled him. Flinching back into reality, Keith took a step back as he looked her up and down. Soldier. Blade member.

Acutely galra. Very, very purple.

"I don't… understand…" he said coldly, his eyes narrowing some as he glared up at her.

"It's a very long story," she admitted. "And I will tell it to you, if you wish to hear it."

An offer Keith didn't know what to do with.

Removing himself even further, he forcefully looked away before turning and heading back to the pilot's seat. Sitting down, he stared up at the dashboard for some moments. The ship was on autopilot and wouldn't require his attention, but he took comfort in the familiar position nonetheless.

Did he want to hear her story? Her identity was enough of a blow in the first place—he wasn't sure he was ready for everything else. Yet, the beating of his heart was practically screaming to hear her explanation. To demand the answers he'd never had. After all, what she had to say couldn't be worse than what he'd been telling himself all these years—that he was unwanted. And if that was the case, at least now he'd know.

He ignored the heart-skipping hope that maybe it was something else. That somehow, some way, her actions were justified.

He didn't want her to be forgivable, yet he craved it.

"Fine," he eventually managed to choke out. "Tell me. And we'll see if I believe you."

He didn't look at her as she sat down in the seat beside his own. It took all his self-control just to stay seated. Which was a considerable feat given his temper. But as of that moment, he didn't know how he was supposed to be reacting, and so was caught in a whirlpool of potential emotions just waiting to explode given the right moment.

"I was on a mission that took me near your solar system when my ship lost one of its engines, among other things," she started out simply, sounding almost too rehearsed. Like she'd run her explanation through her head a hundred times before. "Earth was the closest planet that could support life, and so I had no choice but to land and hope the local population didn't notice me. But I was injured and had no way to communicate with the Blade. Not… Not that aid would have been sent.

"While my injuries weren't dire, they did require time to heal, which I didn't have. My ship needed repairing and I was stranded in some… dry place that would probably kill me if I didn't find a water source. I had two choices—die and eventually have my corpse discovered or live and potentially be discovered.

"Living seemed like a better option, so I started to walk. I had no knowledge of the land, constellations, or sun patterns. And so I had little chance of survival. I must have been walking at least three days, though I have little memory of the incident." She cradled her forehead, as if trying to remember, before clicking her tongue as though it were useless. "Your father found me, I suppose. Hauled me back to his… cabin. Treated my wounds as best he could, tried to hydrate me. He was moderately successful, as I woke up eventually.

"He saved my life. It took me time to recover, and though he was skeptical, your father did eventually locate my ship. But Earth lacked the technology to repair it, and so I was…stranded. Stranded on a planet unaware of the universe beyond, among people I didn't resemble or understand.

"But your father had an easy temperament and allowed me to stay with him. Rarely did he have visitors, and so I was… safe. With him. Stuck waiting until the Blade finally investigated my mission.

"I learned… many things from your father. We didn't get along at first—I was too strict, he was too relaxed. I had no patience for his attitude, while he… well, I never really knew what he thought of me, only what he told me. Which wasn't much."

Keith's father had never been one for too many words.

"I don't quite know how we ended up… Somehow, I began to change. And your father, always patient with me, waited. Almost as if he knew what he was waiting for. When it started, it was a… a whirlwind romance, I suppose. Shortly after it started, I knew I was pregnant. We'd been foolish, but the thought of it all left me optimistic. Even if the Blade never found me, I could live my life on Earth. Even in secret, we'd make it work.

"Somehow, we thought such ideals were realistic. That our 'love' made anything possible. And I was… naïve enough in such things to believe it.

"It became apparent to me as the months wore on that I carried not one child, but two. Not an uncommon thing to happen to galra, but rare among humans. Twins, your father had called you two."

Finally flicking his gaze to her, Keith searched her expression, trying to—once again—comprehend what was going on.

"I'm a twin?" he dared to ask.

"Yes. You have a twin sister."

"I have- As in, I currently have a sister?"

"I can't know for certain—we had a falling out some years ago. If something has happened to her, I…would have no knowledge."

"You don't know where she is?"

"She was known to the Blade and was tasked with an undercover mission that led to her being promoted to one of Prince Lotor's generals. She cut ties with the Blade following, her…allegiance changing. Not that I was surprised—she'd been speaking of him with higher degrees of infatuation for some time."

Keith only heard about half of what she said at that point. His brain was running a million miles a second, recollecting every interaction he'd had with Lotor's generals. But even with little knowledge of them personally, it didn't take him long to single her out.

Blue skin, blue hair. The same eyes as Krolia.

She'd saved his life during the Kral Zera with no explanation.

"Does she know about me?" he asked, his tone breathy.

"She knows she's half human and that she has a brother who is unaware of the happenings further into the universe, yes."

Keith scooted forward in his seat, his simmering anger giving him the courage to maintain eye contact. "So she got to know the truth, but I didn't?"

"Your situation was different."

"How?!"

Krolia sighed. "You passed for human," she said simply. "When the both of you were born, you took on the features of a human while your sister did not. Which I had anticipated—that perhaps one or both of you would take after me. Which would make raising you on Earth difficult. But your father and I didn't realize how difficult until… You were both sick, terribly sick. Your father had to take you into the hospital eventually, where you were kept and treated, while your father… while he stole what he could and brought it back to your sister.

"Our… Our inability to care for both of you properly as well as our hesitance to take you to be treated nearly resulted in us losing you both. I still don't know how your sister made it through, except that she was always a bit… heartier than you were.

"To this day, that is the most terrifying experience I've ever gone through. Afterward, your father and I… we started to realize that perhaps our situation wasn't as possible as we'd thought. You both began to grow, to want to explore. To socialize. But we couldn't give you those things. No matter how much we… No matter how we loved you, your lives would never amount to what they could be if we kept you sheltered from the world.

"You stood a chance on Earth, we realized. But your sister… It would have been inhumane to have kept her hidden away. But I also knew that dragging Earth into the intergalactic conflict at the time by revealing myself would be unwise, as well as unsafe for both myself and both of you.

"We didn't know what we were going to do, but when the Blade finally managed to contact me, it was… fortuitous. Or so it'd seemed, at the time. They'd found me and so a ship was to be sent to my location, to retrieve me. Your father and I, we… came to an agreement. You would stay on Earth with- with him and live a normal, human life, and your sister would come with me. It wasn't ideal—while you would hopefully be safe, your sister faced a world far more dangerous, or so I'd thought at the time.

"But as the years wore on, I knew… I knew I'd made a mistake. I should have taken all of you with me. I should have left the Blades. We knew of the resistance, and I knew that while it was still perilous, their ways of life were lax in comparison to what the Blades expected. Both you and Acxa could have been together, then. We all could have been, but…"

"But you never came back," Keith spit bitterly.

"No. I lied to myself for… so long. I told myself it was selfish to want you, that you were better off without me or the knowledge of who you were. But as the galra grew closer and closer to Earth's location, I knew it was only a matter of time before humans were enlightened. My attempts to protect you were for nothing."

"But you still never came back," Keith repeated.

"No. I didn't."

He waited, only growing angrier that he had to even ask. "Why?"

"By the time doing so was even a possibility in my head, it'd been so long. Your father had agreed never to tell you of your heritage, so I'd assumed whatever life you'd been leading wouldn't have been made better by my being there." As if the true knowledge of who and what he was would somehow make his life more difficult.

"That's bullshit," Keith eventually hissed, before pushing himself to his feet. He paced shortly, trying to gather his thoughts and ultimately failing. He was too blinded by his temper.

"I needed you!" he finally yelled, beginning to burst. "I had nothing! If you'd just- just checked in or- or something, you'd have figured that out! Do you know how old I was when Dad died? I was ten! Ten years old and I had no idea where or who you were!"

Krolia swallowed hard. "Your father is dead?" she asked quietly.

"Yes, he is," Keith repeated, tone unforgiving. "I spent months looking for you after he was gone. In and out of foster homes, running away, living on the streets. Do you know what some foster homes are like?! They're- just- gah! I just wanted you and you weren't there!"

"I know…"

"You don't know! You don't know anything!" There were moments during those years where he'd been so lost that haunted him still, that he pushed back on because Shiro had taught him to look to the future and not be ruled by the past. So much of it he could have been without, so much baggage, if only she'd just come and taken him away with her. He'd ended up in space anyway, hadn't he? At war?

Nothing she'd done had accomplished anything!

All he'd known for so long was… was hurt and loneliness. Things that had left scars so deep they shaped who he was even to that day.

"I know the truth," he said then, unable to control the tears that streamed unhindered down his cheeks. "I've always known. You could have come for me, but you didn't!" So many old feelings boiled up inside him. Young, immature feelings that spoke of a boy much younger than he was. Illogical, angry, betrayed. Fears that deserved to be justified no matter how ludicrous and how out of sync with her words.

Things that ten-year-old Keith had needed desperately know.

"You didn't want to come back."

"No." She said it simply, her gaze locking with his own. "I always wanted to go back. Every day I wanted to go back to you."

"That's not true."

"I always wanted you, Keith. Never a day passed that I didn't think of you. My reasons for not going to you are not adequate, but that changes nothing of my desire to be with you. And though you may hate me, I will never leave you again."

Words that Keith didn't know what to do with. One part of him wanted to continue rejecting her, while another part wanted so badly to believe her. Coming to a conclusion on the matter wasn't going to be as simple as either side, however. He knew that, and so was only more frustrated by the whole thing. He wanted to stomp away, to run away, but there was nowhere to go. He was stuck on that little fighter with no release in sight.

Her, him, his fears and his temper.

Shaking his head, he turned away before marching to the back of the ship. As far away from her as possible. He'd had his outburst and so was left with only angry tears as he leaned his forehead against the wall and tried to stay quiet. But it was too much and he knew he failed to keep any of it to himself. Sobbing in front of another Blade member wasn't something he'd ever wanted to have happen—he'd been content to cry his loneliness away in his own private quarters. But he had none of that then nor any sort of control when faced with how overwhelmed he was.

But though he was unleashed, she never said anything. Nor did she approach him. She stayed exactly where he'd left her, even as he grew quiet and sat down, trying to find any sense of balance and privacy. For hours they sat, silent and their backs to one another, Keith exhausted and slowly managing to wrap his head around what he'd learned.

The hurt feelings were still there, but they'd had their piece for the time being.

The silence stretched until Keith didn't know what to do. She was there, he was there, they were both acutely aware of each other. It was only the thought that he was acting like a petulant child that inspired Keith to get to his feet again. If only by force, he marched himself back to the pilot's seat and sat down. And because he was in a bad mental place, he half-expected that she'd have something to say about his attitude. Just as he'd expected team Voltron to when he'd had his problems dealing with Shiro's disappearance. PTSD from having shitty adults in his life all the time.

But she didn't say anything. They sat in silence for some minutes more, though Keith felt so tense he thought he might spring right back to his feet at any moment.

"How did you end up here?"

"What?" Keith barked.

"How did you end up with the Blades?" she asked. "Earth hasn't yet been pursued by the Galra."

"There was a Voltron lion on Earth," he explained shortly. "Led me and four other humans out into space."

"You are familiar with team Voltron?"

"Sure." He pulled his knife from the sheath and began to twist it in his hands. "I was part of it."

She cocked a curious brow. "How do you mean?"

"I was a paladin of Voltron," he explained. "The red paladin first, then the black paladin for a little while."

"I don't understand. If you are a paladin of Voltron, then why are you working with the Blade of Marmora?"

"I was a paladin," he corrected. "I'm not anymore." He shrugged, keeping his eyes trained on the blade in his hand. Truth be told, his position within Voltron—or lack of position—was still a sensitive topic. He knew he'd been the one to push the others away, that it was because of his own actions that he was alone again. But that was exactly it, really. He'd done this to himself and now he had to live with the hurt that followed.

"I still don't understand," Krolia pushed, sounding more akin to a superior officer than his "mother." Not that he had any idea how a mother was supposed to sound, he supposed. "I was under the impression that being a paladin was a permanent position until death."

Keith shrugged. "It's complicated." He hadn't had any intention of explaining further, but had made the mistake of glancing up at her. There was a guarded kind of suspicion in her gaze, or so Keith thought. Like she was offended? He didn't quite understand, but the sight made him abruptly self-conscious.

He didn't want to care what she thought. Yet he still found himself overwhelmingly concerned with such things.

"I was the red paladin first," he explained, voice clipped. "Then our black paladin went missing and someone had to take over the head of Voltron. The black lion chose me, while one of my… teammates moved from the blue lion to the red lion, and someone else took over the blue lion.

"But then our black paladin came back, so…" He shrugged, as of that explained it all.

"But you were the black paladin," Krolia insisted. "And even if you returned the black lion to its previous paladin, why were you not returned to your post as the red paladin?"

Was she… angry? Why was she angry?

"It's not that simple," he said, refusing to meet her gaze as he twisted his mouth in discomfort. "Our new blue paladin was good—phenomenally so. It wouldn't have been rational to remove her from the team."

"But it was rational to remove you from the team?" Krolia asked quickly. "Was the pilot of the red lion that much more superior to you, who had been chosen by the black lion?"

Keith sighed. "No- he- Lance is… Lance is a fine red paladin. He's not a… better pilot than me, but he's…"

"What?"

"He's a better person," Keith whispered, gripping tight at his blade.

Though he didn't see it, Krolia's eyes had narrowed. "How?" she snapped. "You were chosen to inherit the leadership of Voltron. How could he have been a better 'person' than you?"

"Look, it's not that simple, alright?" Keith replied shortly, beginning to lose patience with the conversation. "Lance is just as worthy as me of being a part of Voltron. I wasn't going to kick him out."

"They kicked you out."

"They didn't," he said harshly, finally looking her way. "You don't know them. Lance volunteered to step aside, okay? He's not a bad person, none of them are. But I stepped aside instead."

"Why?"

"Why does it matter?!" he practically shouted, beginning to lose himself to his temper again. "Shiro is a better black paladin than I would ever be—he knows how to relate to people, how to lead them. I can't do that. And Lance is a better team player. They didn't need me." He'd set his attention on the windshield, watching as the black emptiness of space swallowed them.

Krolia took an audible breath. "You left voluntarily," she determined.

"I'm more useful as a Blade member."

"No one is useful to the Blade," she snapped out quickly. "We are nothing but expendable." Surprised at her reasoning, Keith turned her way again, only to see her shaking her head. As if dismayed. "You stupid child…"

"Excuse me?"

But she didn't explain. Instead, their conversation ceased altogether, the air feeling stifled with unresolved emotions and bad moods. The rest of their trip back to the Blade headquarters passed in silence, until they were docking.

Though Blade members were known to be "to the point," Keith was a bit taken aback by the ferocity in Krolia's posture as they exited. They were met by a few other Blade members, likely to give their debriefing before retreating to their quarters, but Krolia silenced Keith when he tried to speak and instead harshly demanded to see Kolivan. The hooded members before them tried to object, but Krolia wasn't having any of it. Keith once again tried to speak, to settle the situation, but Krolia harshly told him to keep his mouth shut. And as she was his superior officer, Keith couldn't really object.

Not that such things had stopped him in the past—he was known among the Blade for not exactly following orders—but there was something about Krolia's tone that kept him quiet. Something about how she told him to be quiet—not as though what he said didn't hold value, but as though she were…

He didn't know. He was too confused and emotionally overwhelmed.

She eventually got what she wanted—seeing Kolivan directly—and Keith was about to retreat as a result, seeing as he likely wouldn't be needed, but Krolia grabbed him by the arm as he tried to walk away.

She didn't drag him, but she held tight to his forearm as they were escorted through the base halls toward Kolivan's strategy room. Keith went along willingly, again surprised at the fact that he wasn't fighting her hold on him. Mostly he just watched her, silent as he took in the fierceness of her expression and the determination in her walk.

If he was being dragged along with her, then he knew whatever she wanted to talk to Kolivan about involved him. He knew this wasn't just a debriefing. But even so…

Maybe he didn't want to leave her. Maybe he was afraid that, if he did, she'd disappear as though she'd never been.

Kolivan looked up from the table as soon as they were marching through the doors, his expression first coolly lacking expression. Until he zeroed in on Krolia, at which point he sighed.

"Kolivan!" she barked harshly, a literal growl rounding out her words. They didn't stop marching until they were standing directly across from him. A few other Blade members were there as well, looking between each other in confusion as well as unease.

"Yes?" he asked simply, which only seemed to infuriate Krolia further, if the way her hand tightened painfully around Keith's arm said anything on the subject.

"What is the meaning of this?!" she asked, or, rather, demanded.

Kolivan looked tired. "I don't know to what you refer."

"You know exactly what I mean!" she bit back, before jerking Keith forward. "Why is he here?!"

"He has a blade," Kolivan said simply. "He earned his place among us."

"He is a child!"

Keith wanted to object, but couldn't get a word in.

"He is a soldier, like any other, and voluntarily took up his duty."

"By galra standards, he is not yet an adult," she reasoned back. "That aside, he was a Paladin of Voltron. Yet you've somehow convinced him he has more value here?"

"Voltron does not need six paladins."

A sentiment Keith agreed with.

"Don't act as though I don't know what you've done here," Krolia hissed back. "I saw you do it to Acxa and I can see you doing it now. The mission comes first, even at the price of children?"

"You said it yourself, he was a Voltron Paladin. How is that acceptable but being a member of the Blade is not?"

"Because being a member of the Blade is not about teaching and doing good and watching out for one another."

Kolivan sighed as though he'd heard this argument from her many times before.

"You spent far too much time with that human," he said stiffly. "Your children are more galra than you are."

A statement that didn't seem to bother Krolia in the least. "The galra way is not always the right way, as this war makes entirely clear."

"Have you finished?" Kolivan asked then. "Or must we go over this again?"

"Again?" Krolia asked. "I'm sorry, do you tire of me pointing out the wrongs in what you do? Or do you still stand by the notion that recruiting my fourteen-year-old daughter for a risky, top-secret mission was acceptable? Despite the fact that she wasn't even an official member of the Blade?"

"She took on her mission voluntarily," Kolivan replied simply.

"You allowed her to go even after I said no," Krolia ground out. "I told you she was too young. And look what has happened? Her mind was too vulnerable."

"Your daughter's treason is not a fault of mine," Kolivan replied.

Krolia growled.

"Your attitude is unacceptable," Kolivan said a moment later. "Leave now or face being reprimanded."

Krolia stared up at him for a few moments longer, before finally releasing a scoff.

"I have every intention of leaving," she said stiffly.

Turning away, she continued to drag Keith along beside her, the two of them marching back out the way they'd come.

Keith still didn't quite understand why he was allowing himself to be dragged around like a ragdoll. Yet it continued to happen. Until they were heading down the hall that would lead them to the sleeping rooms. Or "quarters," though they were a bit too sparse to justify even that label.

They paused beneath the cold purple light a few moments later, Krolia finally releasing his arm.

"Get your things," she said stiffly.

"Um, what?"

"I said, get your things," she ordered, finally turning to look down at him. "We're leaving."

"Uh…" Okay, so maybe things were going a bit too far at this point. "No…?"

"You're only nineteen," she reasoned. "Galran children are not considered fully-fledged adults until they're the equivalent of twenty-two earth years old. Until then, you're under my guardianship. Now get your things. I'm not making the same mistake with you as I did your sister."

Keith was gaping. "Are you- You're kidding, right?" He bristled. "Look, I get you're my 'mother' or whatever, but we just met and I've been on my own my whole life. You can't just show up and-"

Abruptly, she stepped toward him. Her movements were so swift that Keith didn't have time to respond. By the time he was reaching for his knife, she'd disarmed him and wrapped her hand around his throat. Slamming him harshly into the wall, she even lifted him up off his feet. Which had Keith going immediately into defensive mode, his initial reaction being to fight back in any way that he could.

But she was cutting off part of his airway, making it difficult to breathe, and so he was quickly losing energy. Which left him unable to do much aside from growl and hiss in outrage while scraping at her arm. He was also abruptly aware of how much bigger she was than him, which started to stir a panic in his gut.

"I won't allow you to stay here and throw your life away," she said a moment later, tone even and unaffected. "You are meant for better things, Paladin of Voltron, and you will not succumb to the galra's insistence on death."

As quickly as she'd grabbed him, she dropped him, Keith toppling to the ground before dropping to his knees. Breathing hard, he whipped his head up to glare at her a second later, his hand massaging his throat.

"You don't get to make those decisions for me," he spat out hoarsely. "You left."

"It's true, I have no right," she agreed. "But that doesn't change what I just told you. Get your things together or I'll get them together for you and carry you out of here myself. As my son and as one lacking galran adult status, no one will stop me should you force me to do so."

Raising her eyebrows in warning, she left it at that before turning on her heel and marching down the hall. Keith watched her go until she disappeared around a corner, before he collapsed back on his butt.

He was… He was definitely angry. Infuriated, but still too out of breath to do much. How dare she suddenly show up in his life and start making his decisions for him? He didn't care how old he was by galra standards. First of all, they were at war, so he didn't really see how such societal rules could mean anything. And secondly, as they weren't living in actual galra civilization, he doubted there was anyone willing to enact such 'laws.'

Which meant that she couldn't 'make him' do anything.

Settled on this reality, Keith got to his feet. He rubbed at his throat again, but the ache where she'd held him was already fading.

Deciding to ignore her completely, Keith went stubbornly to his room and collapsed on the bed. Arms crossed over his chest, he glared up at the ceiling. He was hyper-aware of every belonging he had in his room, as well as the fact that she'd taken his knife. He was also petulantly pleased that he was doing nothing to pack up what few personal items he had. They sat untouched, the fact of which was irrationally satisfying.

Frowning, Keith wondered if this was what teenage rebelliousness felt like.

The thought in and of itself was almost enough to inspire him to actually do as she said. But then he reasoned with himself that, biological mother or no, what she wanted him to do was of no consequence.

Well… that wasn't entirely true either. If her status as his mother meant nothing, then she was still his superior officer. But even so, if she was leaving, then wasn't she forfeiting her Blade rank? Which meant she wasn't his superior.

Right. She couldn't tell him what to do.

He was fine.

Yet despite this, a sense of unease began to prickle through him. Would she leave anyway? Without him? Probably not. Her whole point in leaving was in bringing him with her, right? Because—for whatever reason—she didn't want him there. So if he refused to go, she'd stay, right?

He didn't want her, didn't need her anymore, yet the idea of her disappearing again left him cold and… and afraid. He didn't want to be, but the fear beating hard in his chest couldn't be ignored. He didn't even know her, yet…

She was his mother.

If she threatened to leave, would he follow her? The thought made him so sick to his stomach that he nearly sat up and rushed to his tiny bathroom to be sick. She wouldn't do that, would she? Blackmail him to get what she wanted? Bring up what she'd done to him as a way of manipulating him?

She wouldn't do that. A mother wouldn't do that. His mother wouldn't…

Except that she could. He didn't know her. They'd only met that very day. She could do anything and he had no right being surprised or hurt.

She'd left him once, what was to stop her from doing it again?

But he couldn't chase after her like a child, could he? Of course not.

This was becoming too convoluted. He needed to stop thinking about it. Once again, he was beginning to get overwhelmed with it all. To the point where the confusion and uncertainty was again bringing him to tears.

Blinking, he ignored how they leaked out of the corners of his eyes and streaked down his temples. Instead, he more securely crossed his arms and remained as still as possible. Why, he wasn't entirely sure. Maybe he was afraid to move because he didn't want to give in to the urge he had to pack up his things like she'd said. To just do whatever she wanted if only to stay close to her. He didn't know her, couldn't trust her.

But how he wanted to.

Which was stupid! It was so, so stupid! He'd lived nearly his whole life without her, there was no reason for him to want her around now.

It didn't make any sense. None of this made sense!

He laid there a long while, drowning in his thoughts and unaware how time passed. Even somewhat unaware of the tears that steadily streamed from his eyes. He was more focused on fighting, on steadying his breath even as it wanted to rush out of him. On arguing with the things he wanted in favor of his own insecurities and fears.

The door to his room eventually slid open, startling him just a bit, but not enough for him to move. Instead, he blinked his wet lashes and refused to look at her.

"Keith," she said softly.

Lips pursed, he glared harder at the ceiling.

She walked further in, a deep sigh leaving her as she dropped what sounded like a bag to the floor. Keith could sense her walking closer, felt the way his mattress sank as she sat down beside him. Her purple hue wavered in the corners of his vision, but still he refused to look.

"Keith, you don't belong here," she said softly.

"You don't know where I belong," he bit out, each word stinging harshly.

"I left you specifically because I didn't want you to end up here, involved in this. I know that I can't keep you from this war now, but you can do better than the Blade. You're a Paladin of Voltron—you don't need to be here."

"They don't need me with Voltron. I'm more useful here."

"No one is useful to the Blade," she repeated. "You die and you're replaced. You matter nothing to them. Social bonds are frowned upon, isolation encouraged. There is no support, nothing but fighting and death.

"And you are human," she whispered. "I know you have pack bonds much stronger than galra, needs that cannot be met here. I watched your sister suffer through it until she gave in and left all of this behind. You cannot be happy here, and you mean nothing to those who send you out to your death."

"None of that is the point," he said harshly. "The Blade is working against Zarkon—valued or not, someone has to do it."

"That someone does not need to be you."

"I'm no better than anyone else."

"You are a Paladin of Voltron—you have more important responsibilities elsewhere."

"I was a Paladin of Voltron," he corrected. "I have no responsibilities there now, so you might as well stop bringing it up as a way to convince me. I'm not leaving."

Krolia sighed. "Keith, you don't belong here."

"Then where do I belong?!" he barked, finally looking her way. "I don't belong with Voltron, you say I don't belong here. I clearly didn't belong with you. And I never belonged on Earth. Where do I belong, if not here?!"

"Keith-"

"You don't get to decide what I do or where I belong." Glaring for only a moment longer, he then turned on his side, facing away from her. "Get out."

He didn't see the way she opened her mouth, as though to say something, before thinking better of it. Nor did he see the way she reached out toward him before thinking better of that too. Eventually standing, she watched him a few seconds longer before doing as he'd commanded and leaving.

Keith ignored the tears that steadily streamed down his cheeks.

[alia15]

THE day. Part 2.

Peacocks.

My wedding venue is swarming with them. 

Well, those, and chickens and turkeys. And roosters.

The Milleridge Cottage is on a larger property on Long Island that’s been around for many, MANY years and also has a restaurant, an adorable little village (shops, a bakery, a florist) and yes: a farm. 

When our limo bus pulled up to the cottage on Friday, November 15, my bridal party was greeted by all the wildlife which I’ll admit is an interesting and hilarious scene on your wedding day. Also, not mentioned in Part 1? The weather. Bright, sunny, and warm for mid-November. I refused to check the weather the entire week of the wedding (you can’t control it so why bother looking?) and it ended up being an absolutely perfect fall day. I greeted the turkeys, walked into the venue and the scene immediately took my breath away: I loved The Milleridge the second we stepped foot inside to look at it as a potential option for our big day, and loved it even more each time I visited after that. Now? Seeing it all set up for my wedding day? It was everything I envisioned and more. I made my way up the beautiful staircase and waited in the bridal suite for my groom and his groomsmen to arrive. 

There were those butterflies again.

There was so much commotion downstairs that I wasn’t able to be a part of as I was in hiding (#FOMO), but the time finally came for me to head down those stairs and meet my soon-to-be-husband at the bottom. Remember the crazy thoughts in my head from Part 1 of this post? They came back as I imagined myself tumbling down those stairs after tripping over my very long, large dress. 

I walked REALLY carefully. And slowly.

Leo was at the bottom of the staircase and in front of him stood a crowd of our family and best friends; standing there like paparazzi with their iPhones up and the biggest smiles plastered on their faces. Our photographers and videographer captured my every move. What a scene. I eventually made my way down (without falling! win!) and tapped Leo on the shoulder to, ya know, say what’s up before the biggest moment of our lives. 

We both joked that while we loved this moment, it certainly wasn’t a private one. This was some of our audience (plus about 30 more people, lol):

The next few hours (yes, plural) were spent taking all our photos and thankfully, we were able to do so outside. If you know me or follow me on social media, you know how much I love a good sunset, and the universe did me a solid and gave us an amazing one that night. 

It was crazy to think at this point -- after SEVERAL hours -- that the main event hadn’t even started yet. After wrapping up pictures with everyone, we headed inside. 

I went back up to the bridal suite to hide for the second time that day. 

The venue got louder and louder as it filled up with guests, and all I heard were the sounds of a large CROWD. My heart raced. I fixed my hair and re-applied my lip gloss 37 times. I stood up. I paced. I sat back down. I didn’t want to look at my phone because I knew it would overwhelm me, so it was just me up there with my restless thoughts. The day had been so perfect already; I just wanted it to continue. A few things swirling in my mind:

Would the reverend show up? (He did)

The venue was confusing to find; were people going to know to go to the cottage and not the restaurant? (They did) (And whoever didn’t, eventually figured it out)

Did anyone in my life get incredibly sick that day and have to miss the wedding? (No)

Were our young nieces and nephews going to have meltdowns and not walk down the aisle? (quite the opposite; they were amazing)

Was there any drama? ANYONE WHO CRASHED OUR WEDDING? Is everything OK down there? WHAT’S HAPPENING??! (shut up, crazy)

Eventually, it was time. All of our guests were situated for the ceremony and our bridal party was lined up downstairs. And things could not have gone smoother: no one tripped, no one objected to our nuptials (lol), the kiddos were perfectly behaved and cooperative, and our reverend was a HUGE hit (shout out to the hilarious and charismatic Rev. Sica!). It was a beautiful ceremony complete with an amazing string quartet, and I swore I felt the love in the room before I even entered it.

We were officially husband and wife. And it felt fantastic.

After our relatively brief ceremony, I felt like I was floating on a cloud. We headed back up to the bridal suite to get a quick breather before cocktail hour began; something my bridal attendant had recommended we do and I am SO glad we listened. Normally if I’m anxious I lose my appetite, but Leo and I enjoyed our own private cocktail hour and ate the INCREDIBLE spread they provided for us. Every few seconds it would hit us.

Holy crap, we’re married! 

My bridal attendant bustled my dress, and it was time to join the party. I could NOT wait to see everyone.

The magic continued as we greeted everyone at our cocktail hour and took in the whole scene. It was surreal and a total out-of-body experience. You spend SO much time and energy planning a wedding and you focus on all the details -- large and small -- and then you’re there just seeing it all come together and come to life. I can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt that EVERYTHING looked and felt the way I wanted it to that day. I was overjoyed and overwhelmed, in a good way. So many people had given me the advice to “take it all in” and “enjoy every moment” and I’m really happy to say I did exactly that.

The good times intensified as we did our official entrance to our reception (”Let’s Dance” by David Bowie....come onnnnn now!) followed by *THE* most epic dance party of all time. One of my best friends, Carl, was our MC and he and our DJ, Eddie, brought the house down the entire night with an amazing mix of songs old and new. I did not leave that dance floor except the one time I changed dresses -- you know I had to do a costume change on ‘em! 

I could go on and on with the details but instead I’ll just share some incredible highlights from our reception:

Our first dance: Leo was nervous about it (it’s nerve-racking to have all eyes on you and he doesn’t exactly love to dance) but in the moment, nothing else mattered and no one else was even in the room. (Song: Precious Love by James Morrison) 

After that, I danced with my Grandmother; a really special moment that I will cherish forever. It was really emotional and beautiful; especially as the whole family (and Leo!) joined us at the end. 

The speeches! My brother Mike was my “man of honor” and Leo’s sister Rina was our “best woman” and both of them gave GREAT and hilarious toasts (with cameos from all my brother-in-laws). My dad gave an amazing one, too: let’s just say he made a joke about getting to second base that got a huge laugh (Leo’s a baseball coach. lol). 

Birthday celebrations! It was my brother’s 40th birthday that day and my mother-in-law’s was the following day, so we were able to sing to them and give them their own special cupcakes and candles to blow out. 

The father/daughter & mother/son dances.

Our live painter! He set up shop in the corner of the room and painted our first dance and added our families to the portrait (I’ll include the photo at the bottom of the post!). I waited until the end of the night to go look at it and was genuinely stunned.

Ending the night with two perfect songs: (I’ve Had) the Time of My Life -- from one of my favorite movies of all time, obvi -- and then my friend Pat requested the grand finale/encore: “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” by ‘NSYNC. (This is his trademark and is known to play this song when we’re out even in the summer)

Speaking of the end of the night, we had a McDonald’s cart rolled in around 11:15 and the guests went crazy for it. Nothing like stuffing your face at a wedding and then ending the night with a greasy cheeseburger and fries. Leo had it for breakfast the next morning.

Aside from the hotel’s fire alarm going off around 4am (yes, really) it was a perfect day from start to finish. Now, almost six months later, I find my mind wandering to the memories of November 15 when I’m feeling especially low or down in the dumps. I look at the pictures often and the various videos make me instantly happy. People told me during/after the wedding how insanely happy I looked, and it was genuine. I was. I am.

It’s not hyperbole: my wedding day was the best day of my life. I got to marry my perfect match while surrounded by every single human in my life that I love endlessly. I got to have a great dance party, eat incredible food, all while surrounded by a beautiful venue with all the personal touches we had worked on for the nine months prior. 

The pandemic might have prevented us from going on our Italian honeymoon, but that’s okay. We’ll get there someday. I’m just eternally grateful and relieved that we were able to have all our other big wedding moments (engagement, shower, bachelor/ette parties, rehearsal dinner, wedding!) all in the same year -- making 2019 really hard to top. 

Thanks for letting me share the story of our big day with you all! 

[sophcaro]

Destiny | WMatsui - Chapter 29

Jurina took her earphones out as she entered the rehearsal room of the SKE theater, waving at the few members already present. In less than ten minutes, the fifteen girls that composed SKE’s senbatsu were expected to work on their next important event. Indeed, the idol group was supposed to do a mini showcase in Nagoya in two days, the performance being broadcast live on TV for the occasion. Jurina dropped her sports bag in a corner of the room and nonchalantly sat on the floor, her attention caught by the two girls dancing in front of the large mirrors.

Nao Furuhata and Ayuka Kamimura.

While the other members already arrived were chilling out or chatting amongst themselves, those two girls in particular were already hard at work and practicing a few choreographies together. Jurina wasn’t astonished to see them already practicing even before the official beginning of rehearsal. After all, those two girls were anything but random members. At the end of the year 2019, Nao and Ayuka had been appointed as SKE’s current Center and WCenter.

Four months had already passed since that day.

Jurina observed more especially the younger member, noting again how much Ayuka had grown up over the years. At the age of sixteen, Ayuka didn’t have much in common with the insecure and emotive girl she had shared briefly the spotlight with after Rena’s graduation. Now, a certain air of confidence surrounded the newest WCenter, and Ayuka was capable of mastering a choreography faster and better than ever before.

Ayuka was indisputably one of Jurina’s greatest sources of pride.

Jurina couldn’t have been more satisfied with management’s latest decisions. It had assuredly taken many years and a lot of discussions to reach such a stage, but management had eventually opened their eyes and accepted the fact that their long-time strategy – that had worked so well for so many years – now needed to be revised drastically to assure the sustainability of the Nagoya-based group.

At the end of 2019, management had decided – and this for the first time in the history of the group - to rotate SKE’s Center and WCenter on a regular basis. The plan was to change both leading figures every two singles, in order to give more members the opportunity to shine and accustom the fans to less-known faces. With the constant emergence of new 48 and 46 groups, the competition had never been so tough. More than ever, it was primordial to find a way to stand out from the other idol groups.

Jurina was conscious that nothing was set in stone and, if this innovative concept proved to fail in the long run, then management wouldn’t hesitate to reverse back to a permanent Center and WCenter. This new approach was still in its early stages, yet it already showed promise. Ayuka’s tireless determination and all the progress she had accomplished through the years had thankfully been acknowledged. That’s why, when Jurina had urged management to give Ayuka another chance, they agreed to test their new strategy with her.

During the group’s December single of 2019, Ayuka Kamimura was appointed WCenter and Nao Furuhata SKE’s new Center.

Jurina couldn’t deny that a heavy weight had been lifted from her shoulders. During more than ten years, she had been SKE’s faithful ace. She had relished every second of it and the teenager that she was back then would have wanted for nothing in the world to switch her position with another member. She enjoyed leading the group and being in the spotlight. Nothing could have made her prouder than seeing her face displayed on posters and buildings, proclaiming her as SKE’s official representative.

A few weeks ago, she turned twenty-three.

Jurina could feel she had gained a certain maturity: a maturity that was enabling her to see the group’s situation from a brand-new perspective: so many aspects of this business that she couldn’t fully comprehend when she was still a teenager, or even a young adult. Winning the SSK in 2019 had been one of her greatest victories. Witnessing SKE’s management taking the group’s fate seriously and the right measures had been another.

Since 2008, the idol group had gone through so many rough patches. At one point, when Rena Matsui – Jurina’s eternal WCenter and other legendary member of the group – had shockingly announced her graduation, many people in the business had been prone to predict the slow and gradual death of the idol group. In spite of the forked tongues, SKE had always managed to bounce back and overcome its difficulties. It was the group’s undeniable strength: members never surrendered without a fight.

Nine generations.

Many talented members.

Plenty of other girls with hidden potential.

A potential that ought to be discovered and awaken.  

It was precisely for all those reasons that Jurina was hopeful about the future. More than ever, she was confident that the group was far from over and still had a lot of offer. For many more years, SKE would continue to shine. In December 2019, an important page had been turned, and another one was about to open up in 2020.

   Tokyo, two days later…

This Friday in early April, Rena was spending the entire day outside of Nagoya, having a few jobs to do in Japan’s capital. Having just finished an interview with NHK, she was now heading towards her next destination for lunch. When Yosuke had been informed that – not only they would both be in Tokyo at the same time, their schedules also miraculously matched - he hadn’t hesitated to invite her out. The actress had immediately agreed. Given their mutual busy schedules, they hadn’t been able to see each other these last two months, and mostly kept in touch through occasional exchanged messages on LINE.

This offer of lunch arrived just at the right time: it would be the perfect occasion to do some catching up.

Rena’s eyes lit up in recognition when she spotted from afar the Korean restaurant the actor had mentioned, relaxing a little when the latter didn’t seem to have arrived yet. Her interview with NHK had lasted a little longer than expected. At some point, Rena even got afraid that she might be forced to cancel their lunch, remembering that the actor couldn’t afford any important delay as he had another engagement in the afternoon in a completely different area of Tokyo.

Thankfully, she had been able to make it in time.

As Rena was waiting at a crosswalk for the light to turn green, the strong wind of Spring blew across her face, messing up her long brown hair that had been so neatly brushed for her previous interview. Raising her hand to brush back some hair that the wind had caressed out of place, she noted in surprise a few pink petals upon her shoulder. Soon, her attention got drawn to the majestic tree standing proudly on her right by the side of the road. The cherry tree responsible for the countless pink petals spread out on the asphalt all around her.

Carefully seizing between her fingers one of the petals that had fallen upon her black vest, she studied the delicate and fragile pink petal laying into the palm of her hand. She smiled reminiscently in spite of herself as a certain fond memory began to play back in her mind, and drifted five years back in time.

Rena checked her watch in apprehension, growing a little concerned as they were expected at the SKE theater in less than ten minutes. Thankfully, they were very close from their destination now. If there was one personality trait people had always associated with Rena, it was her impeccable punctuality. That’s why the mere idea of risking arriving late – even for just a few short minutes – and make the other members of the group wait, made her feel unquestionably a little uncomfortable. Increasing her pace, she didn’t have time to go far that a hand grabbed her arm from behind without warning.

“Rena, look!”

Halting abruptly, Rena turned around at the sound of Jurina’s enthusiastic voice, discovering her girlfriend contemplating a large cherry tree that they were passing by. So engrossed in her thoughts, Rena had admittedly not paid the slightest attention to her surroundings all the way here. Lifting her gaze, she took a brief moment to observe the cherry tree that was monopolizing Jurina’s attention.

A small smile inadvertently formed on Rena’s lips at Jurina’s childish amazement, before recalling that the clock was ticking. “We’re going to be late. I don’t want to make the others wait.”

“Yes…” Jurina replied but showed no sign of moving, her eyes still glued on the cherry tree as if she had never spoken.  

Understanding that her girlfriend would need a little more convincing, Rena extended her arm to take her hand. “Juri-”

“Let’s take a picture together!”

Taken aback, it took Rena a few seconds to register what the other girl had uttered. “You want to take a picture now?” Rena repeated in bewilderment.

“Yes,” Jurina affirmed, turning around to face her. “Do you remember last week’s handshake event?”

“You mean, that morning when you sneakily took a picture of me in my sleep, and believed naively I would let you post it on social media?” Rena faked indignation.

“Yes, that day.” Jurina grinned maliciously.

“Then yes, I remember it perfectly.” An easy smile played at the corners of Rena’s mouth.  “Why are you asking?”

“While you were still sleeping, I took a peek outside from our hotel room’s window and noticed a cherry tree in a park nearby. As I was watching it from afar, something occurred to me…” Jurina’s expression stalled and grew serious. “These last seven years, our life has been so hectic, that there are simple things we never find time to do. Hanami will be over in a few days: I would like to take a picture with you before it’s too late.”

It wasn’t a caprice as she initially believed: Rena was now positively sure of it after listening to her girlfriend’s arguments. Rena didn’t know what had triggered this sudden urge but, the more she analysed the situation, the more it looked like Jurina was simply trying to make memories. Memories with her. If that was the case, then how could she deny her such a legitimate wish?

“Alright…” Rena smiled with affection. “Let’s take a picture, then.”

Jurina’s face brightened and, after taking her phone out of her pocket, tugged at Rena’s hand to bring her closer. Rena obliged and came to stand by her side, waiting patiently while Jurina raised her phone in the air to take a selfie. Rena gave her best smile to the camera and got herself prepared - expecting the other girl to take a picture at any moment – but was surprised when things didn’t go exactly as planned.

Indeed, Rena followed Jurina’s moves as the latter kept rotating the phone left and right and up and down, evidently failing to find an angle to her liking. Rena suppressed with difficulty her amusement at her girlfriend’s antics. “Would you like me to take the picture?”

“Why? I know how to take a selfie.” Jurina’s lips formed an adorable pout. “I’m only trying to take the best picture possible.”

“But it doesn’t have to be perfect.” Rena shook her head softly. “What’s important is that we’re both on the picture, no?”

The younger girl ignored her statement and continued her little game, moving her phone in every direction possible again and again. Unfortunately, that kind of behaviour was inevitable when you had Jurina Matsui – self-proclaimed and proud perfectionist – as a girlfriend. Rena couldn’t keep it to herself any longer. “You’re impossible…” Rena chastised her gently, stopping her motions at once when she covered Jurina’s hand with hers. “Let me do it, alright?”

After a moment of reflection, Jurina reluctantly relented, letting Rena take the phone away from her grasp. “I think this is a good angle.” Rena positioned the phone, after making sure she had both of them on the picture, and the best view possible of the cherry tree in the background. “Are you ready?”

“Wait, wait.” Jurina drew closer and circled her arm. “Alright, I’m ready!”

Jurina’s enthusiasm was so infectious that Rena couldn’t help laughing a little, a small click being heard the moment after as she took a picture. Lowering the device, she handled it back to Jurina, knowing the latter would definitely wish to inspect the result before moving on. “Do you like the picture, or do you want to take another one?”

“No, it’s perfect…” Jurina’s face alight with happiness. “I love it.”

Rena regarded her with amusement before stepping out from under the cherry tree - expecting her girlfriend to follow her - but was startled when she didn’t hear any sound of footsteps behind her. Turning around to see what the other girl was doing, she noticed that Jurina was still focused on her phone and even staring intensely at the picture taken.

“We should get going or we’re really going to be late.” Rena reminded her of the imminence of their rehearsal.

Jurina’s eyes shot up to meet hers. “Ah, you’re right.” She put her phone away and joined her side hurriedly.

As they began walking away, Rena was caught off guard when Jurina placed all of a sudden a quick kiss on her cheek. The unexpected action made her unconsciously slow down her steps, and she regarded the other girl quizzically. “What… What was that for?”

“Just a thank you kiss.” Jurina smiled brightly. “I really wanted to take a picture of us during hanami.”  

Rena’s gaze travelled over her face, grasping by the joy shining in her girlfriend’s eyes how truly important it had been for her to capture such a moment of their relationship. Reaching for Jurina’s hand, Rena slipped casually her fingers inside hers. “Yes, it will make a nice memory…” Her eyes brimmed with tenderness. “Send me the picture later, alright?”

Rena blinked, Jurina’s image slowly dissipating from her mind as she perceived in the distance the voice of someone calling her name. Almost as if her brain was refusing to leave the comforting place this peaceful memory procured, she ignored the voice at first, but the second calling of her name - this time much closer and clearer – made her come back to her senses completely.

“I thought it was you. Admiring the view?”

“Y-Yosuke…” Rena’s eyes widened in astonishment when she discovered the male actor standing right in front of her. “Yes, I guess you could say that…” She turned to follow Yosuke’s gaze on the cherry tree.

“Spring is one of my favourite seasons.” Yosuke watched with keenly observant eyes the branches’ movements, as they suddenly wavered under the force of the wind. “When the cherry trees blossom and the petals cover the pavement like an eiderdown. It only happens two weeks a year, but I always try to find time to pause - even for a short moment - to marvel at such a beautiful, ephemeral phenomenon.”

Rena dragged her eyes away from the cherry tree, and watched the play of emotions on the actor’s face. Today, Rena was discovering for the first time an unexpected aspect of her friend’s personality: Yosuke had quite a romantic and poetic side to him. Rena looked down to her phone and went through the gallery, her index pausing on the screen when the précised picture she was searching for appeared.

As Rena observed with fondness the picture of she and Jurina smiling in front of a large cherry tree, she couldn’t help thinking that Yosuke was not the only one to share such charming personality traits.

   Ten minutes later, Rena and Yosuke entered the Korean restaurant, settling down at a table before beginning to take a look at the menu. If there was something that Rena had learned about the male actor these last years, is that Yosuke was somewhat particularly fond of Korean food. When they happened to go out for lunch or dinner and it was Yosuke’s turn to choose the place, a Korean name would each and single time escape his lips.

The recurrence was somewhat comical, yet Rena didn’t mind Yosuke’s preferences. She might not share the actor’s undivided love for this food in particular, she still found it quite tasty and enjoyable. Reciprocally, Yosuke never refused when it was her time to choose the place and she opted for slightly more uncommon food, such as an Italian or French restaurant.

“I want to go abroad during the Golden Week,” Yosuke announced once the waiter had left with their orders. “Don’t get me wrong: I love my job but I have been so swamped with work lately, that I haven’t been able to take a single day off.”

“I know the feeling…” Rena sympathized with him. “These last ten years, I haven’t taken a lot of vacations either. I would love to take a few days off once in a while, but my schedule…”

“Yes, that’s the main issue. Our work schedules.”

Both actors shared a knowing smile.

“You said you wanted to go abroad.” Rena’s curious gaze fell on him at the new piece of information. “Did you have any place in mind?”

“Yes, I was thinking of going to Korea. I’ve always wanted to visit Seoul.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Rena didn’t bother to hide her amusement. “I think it’s a great idea. I really hope you’ll enjoy yourself.”

“Why don’t you come with me? It would give us the chance to try out even more Korean restaurants.”

Yosuke’s teasing tone made her smile. “I wish I could, but I’m planning on going back to my home town for the Golden Week. I haven’t seen my parents in a while and I promised I would visit them.”

“You’re from Aichi, right?”

“Yes. From Toyohashi,” Rena specified. “To be honest, I also want to travel. There are so many countries I would like to visit: especially in Europe. But I’m not sure when I’ll ever have time for that...”

Yosuke nodded in understanding. “I hope you’ll still manage to fulfil all your dreams. Life is too short: we should make the most of it while we can.”

“Maybe next year. Actually, I would really like to go to Par-,” Rena started, but didn’t have time to finish her sentence that she was interrupted by the sound of her phone beeping. “Sorry…” Rena winced, and shot her interlocutor a small apologetic look. “It must be my manager: she was supposed to get back to me to give me more details about today’s schedule.”

Rena seized the phone laying on the table and went through the text she had received, a text from her manager as she had rightly predicted. Making a mental note to remember the small time change of her afternoon photoshoot with UTB, Rena blinked in perplexity when – as she was about to mute her phone and put it away - noted the surreal number of notifications she had received from her Twitter account.

After leaving the television studio of NHK, she had already checked her Twitter account: even updating it by informing her followers of her work schedule of the afternoon. She hadn’t noted anything out of the ordinary. So what could possibly have happened during those thirty minutes? Another time, she would have waited to be alone to go through her social accounts, but this strange commotion piqued her interest.

The article that charged on her screen made her heart stop.

Jurina Matsui, 23 years old, announced her graduation today at the end of a live showcase in Nagoya.

Frozen in place, Rena stared at the screen in stupor. Almost as if to make sure of the veracity of the article and that it wasn’t just a weird, silly prank, she resumed reading and didn’t pause until she had arrived at the bottom of the article. As she studied next the white and black picture accompanying the news – showing a mature and calm Jurina answering the journalist’s questions – realization dawned on her that this important day had truly arrived.

Jurina Matsui, SKE’s last first-generation member, was sailing off to new horizons after a twelve years career in the idol group.

“Is everything alright?” Yosuke asked worriedly.

Rena jolted out of her musing and looked up to meet his eyes. They glanced at each other silently for a little while, until Rena opened her mouth when she finally found her voice back. “I just learned…” She fumbled with her words. “I just learned that Jurina announced her graduation.”

Yosuke looked faintly surprised. “She’s leaving the group and she didn’t warn you in advance? As you seemed close friends, I thought…”

“No, we…” Rena’s face clouded with uneasiness. “We haven’t spoken in three years.”

Yosuke was taken aback by the revelation. “Did something happen?”

Rena nibbled on her lower lip. “It’s… It’s complicated.”

“You know how much I hate to pry but...” Yosuke paused in hesitation. “If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. I don’t really know how you view our relationship, but I want to believe that we are friends. I’m a good listener and I would never betray your confidence. Don’t ever doubt that, Rena.”

“I think of you as a friend too.” Rena managed a small, tentative smile. “But it’s a long and complicated story. I’m not… I’m not the nice person you think I am. I’ve hurt people: people really important to me.”

“By people, you mean… Jurina?” Yosuke asked tentatively, receiving a small nod in reply. “It’s true I’ve never met her in person and I don’t know what kind of relationship you two had but I was sometimes present when you spoke on the phone with her during the shooting of Destiny. And, I saw the way you reacted when she won the SSK last year: you looked so happy for her. It’s obvious to me that you still care about her.”

“I don’t just care about her.” Rena smiled sadly and looked down to her phone, lingering on the article, and most especially on Jurina’s picture. “But none it matters anymore. I caused her so much pain: she’ll never forgive me. I’m not even sure I want her to.”

When Yosuke reached across the table to take her hand, she stiffened in reaction when he gave her fingers a light, comforting squeeze. “I don’t agree when you’re saying you’re not a good person. You feel and express remorse, and I genuinely believe that everyone deserves a second chance.”

From her peripheral vision, Rena noticed the waiter approaching their table. Slowly retracting her fingers from Yosuke’s grasp, she fell abruptly quiet, reflecting upon Yosuke’s words as the male employee placed both their orders on the table. Was it really not too late to mends things as he surprisingly seemed to believe? Did she and Jurina still have a chance to reconnect? Rena found herself terribly torn between two conflicted emotions.

The pragmatic side of her wanted to scold Yosuke for daring giving her false hopes. Surely, Jurina had already moved on: there was no use in stirring up the past and reopening old wounds. However, another more selfish side of her – tinged with nostalgia and feelings of love she had never managed to bury – foolishly wished that he could be right.