#Forgot to post this the other day but the stream rn just reminded me

[royalarchivist]

Pac: Oh, where is like, Pierre taking us?

Bad: Um, I don't know, he said a trip.

Pac:Just rushing for the waystone

Aypierre: [Aypierre warps back to them] Ok, ok... I think it's this one.

Bad: Oh, oh gosh darn it, Aypierre.

Pac: Oh no... Where are...?

Bad: He can't help himself.

Pac: Where- where are we?

Bad: [Lying] Oh, I wonder where we are.

Aypierre: [Also lying] I don't know! Is it a new dungeon, guys?

Bad: Guys, a new dungeon!

Pac: Wait, what is this?

Aypierre: It's a new dungeon, I don't know. I just saw this and it looks cool.

Pac: [Realizes what it is and slaps his desk, laughing] No way, NO WAY! What is this?

[Context: This is Cucurucho's secret house, which, until now, we've only seen on the QSMP Official Twitch streams.]

[denoire]

corpse kisses and pet names

this is just a filler post btw but i just woke up and i can’t stop thinking about this headcanon , so here we go lmao

characters: corpse x gn!reader

warnings: a disgusting amount of f l u f f omg

-------------------------------------------------------

kitheth uwu

forehead kisses:

( i noticed as i was reading over this, it sounded like i sat down here gossiping witchu so here you go,HERE’S THE TEA- )

he lives for them, when he’s on stream, he’s usually really stressed and anxious. and you being there is such a huge comfort for him. knowing that you’re here for him makes him feel way better, especially when you give him forehead kisses. they make him all red and flustered. so cute omg

“hey, you on stream?” you said and you stood next to him looking at his screen, he sighed lightly and muttered a ‘yes’. your head reached towards his head playing with his hair, you used your other hand to remove his hair away from his forehead and gently pressing a kiss on him making him giggle a little, ‘you’re so cute..”

cheek kisses:

it’s the got to, it’s your way of waking him up, or telling him you want  cuddles or just probably because you’re too short, like he’d be editing a video or just doing something and you’d kiss him out of nowhere, not that he’d mind. it’s really out of pocket honestly.

“baby, have you seen where i put my *kiss*, thank you but i really need to find the *kiss* y/n- *kiss*....i’m leaving”

lips:

he may have developed an obsession with your lips but you didn’t hear that from me, like he would take time out of his just to kiss your lips. oh a scenario? funny you asked cause there is this one time you were streaming and corpse just wouldn’t wanna leave your side (not that you wanted him to) without at least a single kiss, so he pulled you out of your seat, forced you to watch toast kill your little character, then this mofo proceeded to turn you camera and mic off just to make out with you?? for a good 45 mins?? the audacity he has >:( but it was great thought !! who are you to say no to a free make out sesh??

names;

baby:

he calls you baby so much, we’re all concerned that he genuinely forgot your name. y/n can’t come to the phone rn corpse forget their name. he’s always rambling about the weird shit you be doing at 4 am during streams. “guys, did i tell y’all that one time my baby was trying to bath a swimming pool? the bathroom was flooded with bubbles for two days” 

“baby can you come here, chat wants to say hi”

“you’re so hot baby, oh my god i missed you come cuddle me”

“BABBBYYYYYYYYYY” “corpse i’m two feet away from you”

babygirl/boy:

doesn’t say regularly but when he does it’s usually to tease you tf outta you, because he’s the annoying boyfriend that you love way too much because he deserves it. one time you were trying to reach and grab his your hoodie but you realized that he put in the top shelf and you were just there like :/ ‘really bro?’ and he was like “aweeee, does my little babygirl/boy need help?”

sometimes he would just say it because he knows it makes your brain and heart go ‘brrr’ like   “babygirl/boy look i got you a strawberry cow” and you’re like “a stwabewwy cow fowr me? 🥺👉👈” which reminds him why you call him that  CAUSE YOURE A PRETTY WITTLE BABYGIRL/BOY

(omg the amount of myso @delicrieux​ references in this single paragraph i- )

can you tell im deliriuos-

okay gn that’s all i can think of it's like 3am

[jasperwhitcock]

the rules: tag five or more people that you are thankful for in your 2020, that you're thankful exists in a world that's hard to live in. whether that be through random reblogs on your posts, or people you have had full blown conversations with. whether it's just seeing them in your dash, or interacting with them.

here to be gross again & catch up on another tag game *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

tagged by the angel that is kate @leahclearwaterdefensesquad

i love talking to u all everyday hehehe y’all saved my 2020

@inthemiddleofmymidnight i love u sm kimmie. my first friend on here. 🥺 i am giggling thinking of how shy we were... can u believe we’ve been bffs for like ten months... how is that possible?? i’ve literally already poured my heart out to u like 5 times this month so imma just keep it as ilysm. u literally bring me joy

@bellaskhakis neighana 🐎 ilysm!! i love having u in my life. it’s like we’ve been friends forever. i’m lucky to have u to always keep me humble 😩 hehe i’m kidding but also to give me advice or just to listen or be there. ur wonderful & i can’t imagine this year without u

@the-golden-onion mads... ew i’m laughing at myself... the way literally every speech i’m making sounds like the most basic speech made at a wedding... i’m being SINCERE here it’s not my fault i love all of u 😭 ok but mads i ADORE u. u keep saying how we’re a light in ur life but ur for real a light in our lives. i love having someone i have so much in common w that i can freak out abt acnh or pll or harry potter or twilight or mythical creatures or cute animals or writing fanfics or WHATEVER. my life is sooo much better w u in it. i’m obsessed w u

@howlonghaveyoubeenseventeen emma EWWW not me TEARING up ew make it STOP! emma thank u sm for the absolutely like relentless positivity and love and support u give all of us. the way u choose kindness and optimism is literally inspiring. ur the most caring, sincere, sweetest person in the world & all of our lives are severely improved having u around. ur like our sister

@bellasredchevy kae i admire u SO much. i eat up anything u post or anything u say... ik i’ve said it before and i think it sounds like mega cheesy but i think u just carry urself w such grace & wisdom (im embarrassed to say this when like our relationship is founded on a mutual love of TWILIGHT like tf sdhfdjfhfj) but i rlly just think ur so smart and compassionate and so u have the BEST takes & it really reflects on how u view the world and i just appreciate the expectations u have for how people treat each other (again this sounds SOO weird LMAO) i love u ur literally a part of the reason i joined the renaissance

@teamjacobthot dij i love the energy u bring into my life. ur always honest and blunt and hilarious and understanding and i feel like u just see things for what they are which is refreshing considering i’m someone who overcomplicates things. ur so beautiful & talented & just the coolest. i just thought abt u saying “is this let it go” like 2 minutes into frozen and i’m dead 😭 ilysm and also keep forgetting to tell u but jesy leaving has plunged me right back into another little mix lewis and i am sooooo sad

@cullen-collective ok i just had a moment of panic bc thinking abt u singing reminded me that the ratatouille musical is STREAMING RN LIVE AND I FORGOT but anyways. kaity i keep saying it but ur voice has BLESSED our lives. grateful for all the beautiful singing snaps & also the snaps where ur just telling stories bc i love listening to u talk hehehe. ur the sweetest and so funny & i love ur passion

@paulxlahotee i LOOOOVE u i’m so obsessed w ur TALENT & i admire u soooo much. ur literal JOY and i am so happy that the four l*ko did not make u d word... at least i hope so... has anybody heard from michele today??? she still w us? 😩 ur beautiful and hilarious i’m so lucky to know u!!!

@kaquiche taryn ILYSM ur literally the first person i remember interacting w my blog... it’s been u & me from the beginning baby 😩 u make me laugh so much and i love that ur always down to clown. ur just so supportive and silly and cute and i love u ok all of my messages are sounding like i am dr*nk i just love y’all ok leave me alone. also i didn't even see ur message abt zoom last night and now i feel sad that we all abandoned u. i spent my near year w u in spirit

@phil-dwyer-stan-account addison my dream in life is literally to hang out w u and go to the hello kitty cafe and disneyland and to skip in a big field of wildflowers in cute dresses. i love u!!! ur a cute sweet hardworking angel who deserves soooo much!!

@volturialice g once again... i am truly ur FAN i’m a volturialice STAN. ur one of my absolute FAVE blogs. i think ur genius & feel ~honored~ to be friends hehehe

@anagonyeet / @sethrights ama i love u so much i’m truly so grateful we became friends!! i’m so happy we’ve kept contact bc ur the sweetest, most supportive, and caring friend. i can’t believe u show up to support all my endeavors sdfhdghjkf. my fave follower on my animal crossing ig account hehehe

@leahclearwaterdefensesquad kate thank u for the tag!! ur so wonderful & i so appreciate all the leah content & that u think of me so often for tag games!! ily

and a thank u & i love u to all the blogs that are sweet friends of mine or post content i love & admire – @kellythepitiablefangirl (ur so talented... i adore ur art) @iknowyouloveme-thanks (u consistently make me laugh w ur posts) @renegadepack (thank u for the wolf pack content & also ur resource post... i’ve linked it a million times) @edwardsvirginity (another blog that made me join the renaissance bc i loved their posts) @edytheelizabethcullen (the SWEETEST angel ilysm) @rosaalee (ur moodboards are everything) @bellas-dumptruck-ass (funny & lovely & the best url) @emmettmc-heart-y (the KINDEST soul) @carllisle (happy every time i see ur url in my noties) @notquitetwilight (current god of the renaissance) @panlight (the funniest... thankful for keeping up w the cullens every day) @cockmcstuffins (the most iconic) @influenzabella (an absolute cutie) @witchyangela (elle is also an angel who provides the wolfpack content that we need) @angelasglasses (a sweetheart)

& all my moots!! i wish u all the happiest 2021 ♡♡♡

[gravityfallsauzine]

It's been a while since I've been in the Gravity Falls random and I'm not exactly familiar with all the AU's mentioned on the forms?? They familiar but if I could have a tiny little reminder what they consist of in the general world/character basics -- that would be really cool for me to keep in mind. (You might have also touched on this before but I can't remember)

Oh whoops, I actually forgot that’s the kind of info that might be needed ^^;

So I’ve actually got two links that details quite a few AU’s

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uWiGPA_FkdpfcTaRjepjuryvneV6mFhZZshceSaINj4/edit

https://alltheknowledgeintheuniverse.tumblr.com/post/147956727673/i-have-a-small-favor-to-ask-as-i-am-v-confused-rn

Docs list credit to @eregyrn-falls and special thanks to both them for creating it/ letting us use it and @karin848 for alerting me to the 2nd list!

I actually don’t know a whole lot myself concerning certain AU’s ( there were a lot of AU suggestions, many of which we hadn’t heard of before, so my memory is a bit foggy on which is which as well ) but here’s some basic info I have!

Monster Falls - Dipper finds a magical stream in the woods that turns everyone in town into monsters! Dipper gets turned into a cervitaur ( centaur but deer ), Mabel is generally either a mermaid or a unicorn, Stan is a gargoyle, Ford is a sphinx, so on and so forth. Some people follow canon with the exception of the fact that, well, every character is a monster now, and others create a whole new plot centered around it!

Relativity Falls - Role/age swap! 12 year old twins Stan and Ford have just been shipped off to Gravity Falls to live with their Grauntie Mabel, but something about the town is amiss... ( every character who can be switched around with someone is switched; Manly Dan works at the shack and Wendy is his Mom, Preston Northwest is the snooty son of Pacifica, that kind of deal )

Reverse Falls - Another role swap, but in a different sense.Cosuins  Gideon and Pacifica are in Gravity Falls for the Summer, and they have to put up with the evil perfomer twins Mabel and Dipper Gleeful. The personalities in this one are completely swapped around; Dipper and Mabel are the mean, snooty kids but amped up to the level that their the villains, and Pacifica and Gideon are the series heroes. This one is actually so amazingly diverse in what people do for it, that, while many things stay the same, you get an entirely new experience with each person!

TimeStuck - One -- or both -- of the Mystery Twins, generally Mabel, ends up back in time prior to the Portal Incident, usually during Stan’s grifting days ( occasionally, all the way back to Glass Shard Beach). It’s basically a time travel fix-it AU, the kids doing the fixing.

Reverse Portal - Stan ended up in the portal in 1982 instead, I think in some iterations he picks up a kid along the way?

Drifting/Grifting Stars - Drifting Stars stems from Not What He Seems, with Mabel getting sucked into the Portal and travelling the Multiverse with Ford. Grfiting Stars is? Hard to find anything for, but in more than one instance it was suggested right alongside Drifting Stars in the interest check. It looks like it’s the same deal but Stan instead of Mabel? But I’m going off of the like. 3 posts that popped up (I’m positive there’s more, but I never get the full scope of what’s available in my search results anymore)

Mystery Trio - (This one I know a bit more on, so longer description) It was based off a theory from before A Tale of Two Stans, then became an AU. But basically, Stan, Ford, and Fiddleford, prior to Ford falling in the portal, were a mystery hunting team living in Gravity Falls together. It’s a very fun AU filled with adventures of the three together. You’ll find some of the old fandom name confusion in certain posts, as it was when everyone thought Stanley was Stanford, and vice versa.

And everyone is free to suggest a different AU they want to create for! These are just the ones that, based off the interest check, we expect to have some content for each one.

Though, I would like to remind everyone some may not be comfortable with their AU’s being used, so please keep that in mind when choosing.

...but yeah, that’s the info for the popular AUs and then some! I hope this helps!

[thegeminisage]

since i FINALLY finished the comic page im gonna make the poor choice of playing zelda ALL NIGHT get ready for The Longest Post which is full of Big Super Spoilers

since lynel thoroughly kicked my can last night i need defense food and preferably stronger weapons

i technically already had more than enough shock arrows to proceed but i wanna kill him!!!!

LMFAO I JUST COOKED SOMETHING THAT GIVES ME 21 EXTRA HEARTS...HOLY FUCK

okay but in all seriousness i only have like 3 defense things........

i guess i'll try it fuck i dont feel like scouring the world for ironshrooms rn

ok. slept on the bed to get my stamina wheel & 3 hearts, will use my 21 hearts when those run out, got 3 defense things for about 14m of defense, I Can Do This

really i wish i had a one-handed weapon, two-handers are so slow :/

well here we go again :|||

lol why does my heartrate always go up for shit like smh.....

getting better at dodging

ooh he hates my ice arrows

HAHAHA I MOUNTED HIM

maybe i can get a snapchat pic

YES i did i didn't attack him in that perfect moment but hey some thing are more important

NOOO FUCK I DIED

I FORGOT TO REFRESH MY DEFENSE ELIXIR BC I HAD GOTTEN UP AND FORGOT IT WAS ALMOST OUT

JESUS FUCK

im so fucking annoyed lmao i was so close

oh well at least now i can use that whole mount

aaand again

oh. im out of ice arrows.

YIKES i forgot to refresh my thing again just for a sec and almost died

YES i got a perfect dodge purely on accident NICE!!!!

i can see everything from shatterback point, even naydra, but im too scared to jump while the beast is down there

no yk what fuck it. im turning this paraglider around

first tho i really wanna wait to see if i can catch another rainbow...they were so pretty and i lost the other pics i took when i died ):

oh!!! there it is!!!!! and i was just about to give up

ah it last such a short time - but it comes at the same time every day, around 4:05

i'm sure it won;t appear here anymore after the divine beasts knocks it off with the water though, haha

okay.......time to dive

/saves first

AHAHAHA I DID IT

WOW THAT THING IS SO HUGE UP CLOSE BYE

i mean it didnt even move im just Scared. ok

duuude i gave the lynel pic to the lady and got swim pants?! FUCKING SICK where do i get a helm

okay time to go free the divine beast!!

haha wait i came out here without defense stuff. i didn't cook anymore

oh well yolo

or actually this is a game so i live as many times as i want #determination

i do still have some extra hearts left, and stamina, and some healing items, and even some electricity elixirs, sowow!! okay! still huge!!!!!

ah i love sidon so much

he tries so hard and he's so ready and he loves his people so dearly

i bet he's gonna die lol

if it's like, a sage thing, maybe he has to replace mipha if she really is gone

jesus please don't die sidon PLEASE

OH MY GOD I GET TO RIDE ON HIS BACK?

JFC THIS MUSIC IS SO COOL!!!! AAAAKDSHFGKLJ

OH MY GOD HE'S TALKING!!! IN THE FIGHT!!!!! IM CRYING THIS IS SO COOL SKDFHBG

oh my gos he's talking he's talking there's voice acting im literally dying i cant handle!!!!!! this!!!!!! i lvoe him so much

omg omg

dude that was SO cool

and link got to ride on his back and then say goodbye!!! and sidon BELIEVES in him!!!!!!!!!!

god i wish i had gotten the helm before i did this haha i looked up the location but i don't think i can back out now

MIPHA?

MIPHA IS TALKING TO ME??

I CAN HEAR MIPHA'S VOICE

I'M CRYING I KNEW SHE WAS STILL ALIVE

i feel like she's about to die like the old man like Move On but

to see her again!!!!!!! im so emotional

oh my god oh my god

no okay i can leave and i need a second too im gonna go get the helm

apparently theres a quest you can do that doesnt give you the helm but tells you where to find it? but i can do that later rn i just want complete armor

alright nice full set hell yeah

HOLY fuck i was paragliding back and i tried to paraglide over the divine beast and it fucking OBLITERATED ME jesus CHRIST

dude there are these absolutely freaky eyeball things you gotta shoot to get rid of gunk and the music gets all creepy near them lsdksjfgh

oh no i found the cockpit but it's all closed up...is her corpse in there? her ghost? oh my god it says the terminals are unactivated

i'll be honest im a BIT stuck here i hate to have to use a guide, but

NO wait oh my god my runes!!! dumbass

i can lift the bars lol

oh my god the CONTROLS are on???

I CAN MOVE IT?? HOLY SHIT

this map is fucking 3D a 3D map!!!! in the other games they were flat holy shit!!!!

i can even see it moving on the minimap!!! holy FUCK

LMAO i was trying to move this crank with stasis and all along i needed to use magnesis. jesus

uh the music got freaky as fuck after i did the first terminal??? no?? thank you????

LOL YOU GOTTA RIDE THE TRUNK oh my god. oh my god.jesus christ

i am so small. it is so big. oh my god

I FEEL UNSAFE!

who is the boss of this dungeon? there's gotta be a boss

don't tell me i fight it

or the undead mipha

jesus god

i have had to ride this trunk 3 times now and i am not at all comfortable

reminds me of the big windmill in mirror's edge

okay yep i did all the terminals and now the music is downright terrifying!!! nice good Okay

HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT BLUE LIGHT

MIPHA?

NOT MIPHA!!!

"my demise 100 years ago" is she Really gone

omg no mipahs talking to me as i fight!!!

im straight up gonna look up what to do im too weak and defense-potionless to do this the hard way

ooh motherfucker doesnt like my shock arrows and lynel bow ahaha

huh that was actually like SUPER easy compared to some of the other stuff i've done

eeeewwwwww

MIPHA? ARE YOU ALIVE OR DEAD IN THERE? oh god oh god

holy fuck

i straight up just cried

she's a spirit and i thought she was gonna like, move on? which is sad enough

but no she's hanging around to pilot the divine beast from the afterlife

she even talked to it i was so sad it's been her only companion for a century of course she fucking talks to it

and i was staying strong!!! i was!!!!!

but she talked about how she wished she could see her dad again and i cried lmao why does this game give me dad feels of all things

i hope she gets to see her dad one more time too i'm so sad she's really dead and not alive like link

jesus fuck

oooh dorephan's talking about the master sword...gimme gimme gimme!!!

aww he was nice to sidon as everyone should be!!!!

holy shit he's really big?? i didn't realize it but he's like twice link's height JESUS

man. i am fucking wrecked lol

time to...explore...the rest of the province...i guess

i got a trident but i can never use it bc it will break. it was mipha's!!!!

on the other hand all three pieces of armor, my shield, weapon, AND bow are all zora themed i took a pic of myself to remember it by lol bc they will all break

i wonder where i should go after this...?

my brother went up to death mountain but i kinda want to do something different so we have something to tell each other about

but i kinda want to do the same so we don't spoil each other

i also REALLY wanna do the southeastmost province for some reason, all that water

tbh tho im getting ahead of myself i still have lots of this left to cover

it's getting harder to tell where i've already been, haha - when the things had borders and there was less visible that was easier

ooooh mipha's ability brings me back from death and she speaks briefly to me ;_; and it's active again in 23 minutes nice!

so i guess each champion gives you a different one and you can chose which to have active but tbh this one seems like it's gonna be the most helpful already

aww i did a little quest in kakariko to root out a theif and i love the way they built up dorian's past that's so cool

i think i was supposed to be able to pick up that yiga dude's sword tho and it glitched on me bc i was too fast :/

ugh i'm doing this oen shrine puzzle where you have to mount a male deer

and i finally mounted one after losing 10000 times and it was past some hills it wouldn't climb down

every time i find one thats close enough they fucking bolt im so fed up :|

and my sheikah sensor isn't picking up any more so i must have literally scared away all of them. fantastic. what a huge waste of time!! guess i will go somewhere else!

also can't solve the puzzle on how to open the shrine at veiled falls so im just batting a thousand today so much for sidequesting tbqh

FOUND A BLUE MANED LYNEL

SO MUCH NOPE

urgh and a blue hinox

exploring might not be worth my time either tbh

yeah no that's two shrines i haven't been able to open and this has stopped being fun, got one more ridge to explore before im done with this province - and some weird islands waaaay out there too but idk if i can get to them yet, and i'd just as soon wait until i unlocked the one next to them

yyyeah looking at them from here it makes much more sense to explore them when i get to that province

at least im all done with this one!! still plenty of sidequests and stuff, but those i can come back t more easily...it's harder to remember which terrain i have and haven't covered when i don't do it like this

i was thinking about how big the divine beast was when i saw it in the distance and

this sounds nuts but i bet im right - what if that flying island thing is a divine beast. WHAT IF

and that is The Day's Liveblog, more tomorrow, except probably not much bc of stream

[jess-oh]

Thoughts from the sky 12/18/17

There are two people sitting behind me and I’m really glad that they’re getting along so well but they’ve been talking nonstop since the beginning of this flight and honestly, it sucks! I also don’t know how I actually fell asleep earlier with them talking? The guy isn’t too bad but the lady directly behind me has no gauge for how loud she actually is and it’s crazy.

Anyway, I haven’t actually written in a while. I got really busy and I just didn’t bother ever getting back into it. But I do want to recommit to this. Honestly, I’m really nervous about coming back home. I love my family and I love Jeanne, Lauren, Jude, Cat, Keylee, and Edgar and I’m really excited to see them again. They’ve been there for me through thick and thin and they means the world to me. But Jeanne and Lauren aren’t very involved at Sa-Rang. And I don’t know where God is rn in my UBMS crew’s lives. It’s just hard. Because even though I love them so much, it isn’t enough. They can’t always be there for me and I don’t want to force them into that either.

For Sa-Rang, I tend to hangout with the same people. I probably the closest to Judy and Jennifer of those who are actually involved. But they’ve got their own peeps too and I don’t want to burden them. We don’t actually talk that often throughout the year. Grace An, too. In fact, Grace An actually does care about me. I feel like Jen and Judy are just pitying me. And whether or not that’s true, it’s how I feel and it sucks.

——

I’m supposed to land in LA around 8:44pm PST. It’s currently 7:53pm CST. I wish I had less than an hour left but it’s more like 2.5 hours left. I gotta find some more ways to kill time. The people behind me stopped talking but a baby in front of me started crying. WE’LL SEE

———

I really crave affection and acceptance from others and I don’t think that’s weird. I think I love Lauren and Jeanne so much bc they’re actually so invested in my life and care about what I’m going through and that’s so hard to find other times. I try to talk to Andrew but sometimes it just feels like he’s trying to get rid of me instead of actually listening to me. I tried to vent the other day but he just kept saying, “You’re too hard on yourself,” and leaving it at that. Okay, well, what does that mean???

It’s really nice going through my old things. I just looked at some old yearbook spreads that I forgot I saved and some good memories came back to me. Prior to this, I was feeling discouraged by my transcripts. It’s definitely something that I feel a lot of shame for. And it’s a part that I want to stay buried in the past. I wasn’t a very good student in high school and I failed at least one or two classes a year and I never felt good enough for my family and it sucked. But looking at my old spreads, it reminded me of the good times I had in yearbook too. I remembered some particular moments when I saw the “Camp Sophs’mores” spread. I remembered how Andrew was in charge of the doing the title and tried to put my face in the “O” and how I felt so embarrassed and insisted that he change it! I remember how relieved I felt when he actually spelled the title wrong and had to change everything. I remember how I recently cut my hair at the time and how short it was. I remembered how Anthony tricked me into getting into the photo bar. I remembered how that photo of me was the bane of my existence. I remember how overdramatic I acted but how much fun it was to just be with everyone. I miss that time a lot. I remember how I confided in Anthony that I loved yearbook so much because I felt like I could just feel free to be my weird self and it didn’t matter because everyone else was just as weird or weirder than me. And I remember how he laughed and said that Tim was just the same. I remember how afraid I became of Tim. I remember how deathly afraid I became of him because he came to symbolize yearbook for me. And all the bad parts about it. He became the face of yearbook in my mind. And whenever I saw him, I remembered how desperate I felt, how shitty I felt all the time, how I never felt good enough, how I felt the need to self harm myself, how I felt trapped and depressed and suicidal. How suicide doesn’t mean pulling the trigger on a gun. It means not getting out of the way when there was a chance of your life ending. It meant hoping that something bad would happen to you. It meant, for me, that I was so tired of living and just wanted to die. I wanted to just stop existing because it was too tiring and too hard to continue living. I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to get back in control and for me, that was dying and giving up. It was ending it all and escaping the pain of it all.

Maybe that’s why I have such a hard time with church. Because it was a place where I felt like I had to put on a pretty face and pretend that everything was okay when it wasn’t. I could always say that I could’ve tried harder than I did. But the bottom line is I didn’t. I didn’t trust them. And it wasn’t just because it was them. It was because I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone. I felt so alone. When people meet me, I always wonder what they think of me. Especially recently, I bet they thought I grew up in a super supportive community with loving parents and a place to just grow and thrive. And I really wish that I did. I wish I had that picture perfect family growing up. But I didn’t. And if only they knew… man. If only I could show them how miserable I felt. Every. Single. Day. How much I wanted to die and just escape it all. How much I felt like screaming but no sound would come out of my throat. How much I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but knew that I couldn’t. How much I wanted to go to therapy and seek help but couldn’t because I was afraid of how my family would judge me. I was so ruled by my fear and felt trapped and like I couldn’t escape my situation. And that’s when I started self harming. Because I felt so out of options. And I needed to feel like I was still alive. Like I was still human. So I started cutting into my skin. Deeper. And Deeper. And deeper still. And it was all because I just felt so desperate and out of options.

It’s easy to put down things and people that you don’t understand. And I don’t know if anyone else was depressed but I think I was the most evidently so. I felt like I was carrying the world’s weight on my back, constantly. And maybe everyone else grew up in a good community with loving friends and parents that stood by their side through thick and thin. And I didn’t have that. I had people that was constantly judging me. I had people that didn’t understand my depression. That stabbed me in the back. That used me to get ahead and left me behind once they were done with me. And it hurt. And it sucked. But I got up. Each time, I got up. And I tried again. And I tried even harder. And I kept going. And now I’m here.

I think Jason really does care about me. And it does make me feel kind of bad thinking about him. I want the best for him and I don’t want him ever feel depressed or bad about himself. I think I’m just constantly reminded of when we were up in Evanston and I literally could have died. But I didn’t. Because he grabbed my shirt and pulled me back. He totally could’ve just let me go but he didn’t. He saw a car coming when I didn’t. And made the executive decision to go after me. He pulled me back and prevented me from dying. And proceeded to scold me a lot after that, haha. He told me to be more careful and I tried to just shrug it off but honestly, I didn’t really feel like I was in my own skin that day. And maybe a part of me did want to die. Maybe a part of me did want to get hit and just be done with it all and no longer uncomfortable. But the worry and concern in his voice and eyes made all the difference. I was in a state of shock. But it made me feel like I mattered. And just thinking about how he would react if he found out that I had been self harming again…it makes me feel really good about myself. Like my life is worth saving. He would actually be worried about me and my life. He would actually take the time to stop what he was doing and see if I was okay. I was really upset at the start of this week for a lot of different reasons. And even though he couldn’t tell that I was trying to push him away, he still just wanted to let me know that he was here for me and that I wasn’t alone. He could see me. And I wanted to be defensive and say that I wasn’t depressed but really? Am I really not depressed in the least? Really??? Anyway, I decided to just accept it and move on. I neither confirmed nor denied my depression but I was also a little surprised by that conclusion.

I just read through some posts in the white elephant/potluck event and I am excited. I am. And I’m also over James. I think it was something that I struggled with for a long time but I really forgot about him this year. I barely ever brought him up in conversation and when I did, it felt awkward. So goodbye, James. You caused me a lot of pain but I’m over it now. I’m over it.

I’m over it.

I’m supposed to meet with P. Josh when I come back to Chicago and I’m actually pretty nervous about it? I think I’m afraid that I’ll get triggered by a memory from high school and start spontaneously crying and I really don’t want to. I want him to trust him and see me for me as I am now. I remember sometimes from high school when I was just suddenly start crying for what seemed like no reason at all. I would literally just have overactive tear glands and I would have a stream of water come down my face. And I would try and reassure my current company that it was fine and that I was fine and honestly wasn’t sure why I was crying so much. And I’m afraid that that’s going to happen when I talk to Josh. We’ll be in mid conversation and I’ll just suddenly start crying. And he’ll ask if I’m okay and I’ll try and reassure him that I’m fine when I’m not and just keep lying to myself that everything is okay when it isn’t and I don’t want to present that image to him. I want him to believe that I’m okay and that there’s nothing wrong with me. But there will be. Man. I think I need to pray about serving again. Because I have gotten a lot better at being open about my faith in public. I’ve worn my church gear out in public whether I was going on errands or just going to class. I’ve been a lot more comfortable with just discussing the topic of religion in a much more comfortable way in public and in fact, I felt empowered by it. So I’ve been doing a lot better recently but I know that I still feel so much fear in my heart sometimes and it’s scary and it sucks sometimes. And I don’t want to drag people down with me. I want to lead people and show them to rightfully rely on God during times of trouble and hardship instead of themselves. And rn, I tend to try and bear the burden of the world on my own shoulders to avoid the guilt of relying too much on others and being too dependent on them. And I do think that I’m really afraid that that will happen again. That I’ll be too dependent on others instead of trying to figure things out for myself. And no one deserves to feel trapped in that situation. I think that’s the position I’m in with my sister right now. But yeah, I want people to know that they can rely on God in all situations and places and even though I can’t emotionally always be there for everyone right now, I want to get to that place and just really compassionately love upon my fellow brothers and sisters. Freshmen and upperclassmen alike. But I’m not there yet and I want to get there. But first, I think I need to come to terms with my own issues and accept that I need to learn to rely on God more because I’m not there yet. I need to accept this for myself before I can start preaching to the choir.