#Gansey can't wake himself up

[clotpolesonly]

Blue Lily, Lily Blue ch 47 // The Raven King ch 67

[shayberri789]

I really enjoy character analyses and metas. Like if I had a choice, those are the only essays I would’ve written in high school - not that I'm any good at writing them lol. My thoughts are there but they always end up rambly and long. As it is, I have Ronan lynch braintrot as the moment. And I'm about to make it your problem.

(Very long and slightly all over the place character breakdown of Ronan's relationships, with a particular focus on his relationship with grief, Gansey, and the moment in bllb where he dreams in the church with adam)

My dad and I are listening to bllb together atm, and just passed the moment where Ronan dreams Greenmantle’s “crimes” for Adam, and how upset he was over it, and I just had to pause and rant about it because:

Ronan is so horrifically traumatized, but despite how he presents himself he is NOT a bad person. As Adam puts it: “When he wasn’t trying to look like an asshole, his face looked very different…” and “How appropriate it was that Ronan, left to his own devices, manifested beautiful cars and beautiful birds and tenderhearded brothers, while Adam, when given the power, manifested a filthy string of perverse murders.” (Bllb) Ronan is a hufflepuff character (I will FIGHT you on this). He “doesn’t do casual friendships,” he’s hardworking (look at the work he does at the barns! How long he worked to dream the car for gansey!) and he’s so, so loyal. He’s devout to his brother, to gansey, to Adam, to his family. He shows a tender love for nature (cabeswater, chainsaw, the animals at the barns). Ronan, at his core, is a soft character.

Now imagine this boy, this CHILD, 14 years old, innocent, and yeah he’s got the hard edges from his father but they’re tempered by love and youth and he’s just a BOY. A boy who’s best friend is hunting a magical king, a boy who’s magical himself and forced to hide it, a boy who’s father is magic and he loves him more than the whole world - and one day he wakes up and sees the man he loves most dead in his care, murdered brutally and he thinks “I was close enough to help. I could’ve helped” (he is a CHILD, and his survivors guilt tells him he should've somehow stopped his dad being murdered??) and is he given time to grieve? NO. His brother - a liar, a distant boy (because Declan was like. 16/17 and I’m still young myself but even I know that at that age you’re a child too and Declan was already knees deep in his fathers business, with the knowledge that his father was murdered to make HIM give up his brother to a collector and that’s trauma too and now with his father dead he has to step into his shoes and protect his family and he wasn’t given time to grieve either—but that’s a different post) - has never been much of a brother to Ronan and in his grief he distances himself further, and he is not in a position to be a brother anymore, never mind handle Ronan’s violent grief. If he could ever, he can’t anymore.

And now Ronan has lost his father, and in a matter of days he loses his brother completely, his mother, his home, every piece of stability and support he could have had. And on top of this, he has to hide his dreaming (and dreamers can't not dream - they'll die), and he can't accept his sexuality yet, and he's dealing with the trauma of seeing his father's corpse, and his home and family, and he's dealing with grief and survivor's guilt. That is a LOT to put on a 14/15yo boy. And he doesn't have any support, or coping mechanism, and people already have this idea of him and he slips into self loathing (Night horrors? I read someone explaining how they're a representation of his self hatred - I mean, in tdt he says "they [the night horrors] hate me" and Opal says "Ronan, why do you hate you?" - and when gansey finds him and thinks he attempted suicide bc of a nightmare - he pretty much did, via subconscious) and he drinks and he races and he hardens his edges and hides every soft, vulnerable part of himself.

And in the middle of it all is Gansey - strong, reliable gansey, who has been living with death his whole life, who has a dream stronger than anything Ronan can imagine, and Gansey who is the pillar of stability in the group. It is Gansey who repeatedly looks out for his friends' mental and physical wellbeing (even at the cost of his own quest of own wellbeing - and this boy is SUCH an interesting character and I relate a lot to him and one day I AM going to write a character breakdown). It is Gansey who reassures them when they're shaken in Cabeswater "the trees speak latin" sign, with the camero, with Gwenllian's cave (and other scenes I can't think of off the top of my head). It's gansey who repeatedly comforts people in their grief (Noah, Maura (disappearance), persephone, when Ronan's mom died), and it is Gansey who Ronan moves in with after Niall's death. It is Gansey who puts a "leash" on Ronan, who continuously manages to understand Ronan even at his strangest, most broken, and Ronan is almost devoted to him. Most people can't muster enough understanding and empathy for ronan to see past his exterior and understand him. Gansey is always the pillar of stability in Ronan's life, and honestly I think that for all Ronan mockingly calls gansey "dad', Gansey has stepped up to fill the role Niall left. Gansey is the only one that Ronan will always listen too, the only one who can call him off a fight, and when Ronan once again loses his mother in trk, Gansey is the one he once again turns to for direction and support -

'"Ronan," [Gansey] said. The gentle way he said it nearly made Blue cry. [...] In a very low voice, Ronan replied, "I'm waiting for you to tell me what to do, Gansey. Tell me where to go." [...] Gansey said, "I don't know how to find Glendower." / "You do, Gansey," Ronan replied, voice uneven for the first time. "I know you do. And when you're ready to find him, I'll be sitting right here, waiting to go where you tell me."

Okay but how much Ronan is in pain here and how much he trusts Gansey and how loyal he is to him honestly makes me cry even after reading this series genuinely upward of 15 times. Anyway, when in trb Declan says "Remind Gansey of that . No Aglionby, no Monmouth," and Adam thinks '"then you've killed him [Ronan]," [...] He couldn't imagine Ronan living under a roof without Gansey, period' - he's right. At this point in his life, Ronan cannot survive without Gansey. Gansey is the truest brother Ronan has at the moment - because while Matthew adores him, and he matthew, the boy is a dreamthing and a child, and on some level I think Ronan knew this (and I think Matthew, and Ronan's love for him, is one of the big motivations for Ronan to keep trying to stay alive between Niall's death and trk); and Declan has for a long time stopped being family to Ronan. And when Gansey falls down the hole in the Cave of Ravens in bllb, Ronan even says it - "Do you hear me Cabeswater? You promised to keep me safe. Who are we to you? Nothing? If you let [Gansey] to die, that is not keeping me safe. Do you understand? If they die, I die too." Ronan is a boy who's quite literally lost eveything before, including most of his family, and he wouldn't survive losing the one he's built - especially the pillar on which is rests.

WHOOPS I got side tracked into a meta about Gansey and Ronan's relationship. This is why every essay feedback I got in hs consistantly had "practice consiceness".

ANYWAY BACK TO THE TOPIC:

So Ronan is a deeply traumatized person, but he's a boy who's actually good at his core and he's just and loving and loyal and hardworking (he is a hufflepuff your honour. He does not care about chivalry, bravery or righteousness (or right and wrong - he only cares about being fair and just) - he values loyalty, hardwork, fairness, and trust. Idgaf what Maggie said - Noah and Ronan are hufflepuffs, Blue is a gryffindor, Gansey is a ravenclaw, and Adam is a slytherin. But that is also a different post). And a key trait for ronan is his fairness, and that he never tells a lie - because he already lives with so many of them. And at this point in bllb, Ronan has accepted his father's death somewhat, he has accepted and embraced his dreams, and his sexuality and feelings for Adam. He has mastered his self hatred, he has recovered so much and grown so much, and now this boy (who he STRAIGHT UP SAYS IS AN OBJECT OF HIS DEVOTION TOO!!!) asks him to go against his nature and dream something horrible, and lie - this boy he "worships" asks him to do this in his sacred space of worship, under the eyes of Mother Mary (side note: hello symbolism! He is 'sinning' to himself with his dreams, while the only parent he has left is his mother, who herself is a dream-thing - did anyone else catch this or am I grasping at straws? lol) - of course Ronan is upset. Of course he has a nightmare ("I tried for too much at once," Ronan said from the pew. His words were short, clipped. He was trying not to look like he cared about watching himself die [side note he was actually upset about what he was dreaming, but Adam didn't understand this. I'll talk about it later] [...] "It wasn't the sort of thing - the sort of thing I normally dream about, and everything got agitated. The night horrors came..." - Cabeswater is connected to Ronan, it mimics his subconscious - the dream was agitated bc Ronan hated what he was doing - and the night horrors returned and tried to kill him.

And Adam - who's lived with horrors and violence his whole life, and who's been so wrapped up in himself the last three books because all he's ever had his whole life is himself and a constant motto of "keep going, bare it, keep surviving" and hasn't been able to develop very good empathy yet either - he doesn't quite understand what's going on in Ronan's head. He thinks he's upset about Ronan watching his double die - because to Adam, that has always been the worst case scenario for himself (dying - it all being for nothing). He doesn't understand how far outside of Ronan's nature he's asking Ronan to go, and ronan knew what would happen when he did it - he knew he'd dream something dangerous and he could bring it back but Adam wouldn't leave. So not only does Ronan have to focus to bring so many things back, he has to go so far against his nature to do so, and on top of that he has to keep Adam in mind and keep him safe. Ronan is upset because he had to lie, that adam asked him to lie, and that he very nearly could have killed him both, and Adam doesn't quite understand. Adam (understandably, from his perspective and understanding) gets defensive, and Ronan says "I didn't say it was your fault. I said get the hell away from me." - What he meant was he needed a moment alone to pull himself together, to calm down, but he's upset and frightened and disgusted with himself and a wreck - and the way he phrased it wasn't quite right.

Ronan is a flawed and such an interesting character, and I adore his arc and his relationships with his family and with himself and Cabeswater, but I think this is long enough, so you can have my thought-spew as it is and Maybe I'll be back with the rest of the gangsey.

[emmerrr]

prompt idea: "i'm here without you and i dream about you all the time" 🥺😢 i listened to 3doors down and now i can't stop thinking about pynch the lyrics are perfect i need something sad but sweet or pining ronan 101 😂 he he love your writing!! If you don't want to do this just ignore me :D have a good day ☀️

aw you’re so sweet thank you! i sort of hate that song so it’s not gonna be related exactly, but i can absolutely give you pre-relationship pining ronan!

-

Adam looks tired.

Adam almost always looks tired to be fair, but this is slightly different, like something’s pushed him over the edge, and Ronan can tell as soon as Adam opens the door that he is tired.

“You look like shit,” is what Ronan says instead, and Adam rolls his eyes, stepping back to let Ronan in.

He does not ask Ronan what he’s doing here, showing up close to midnight. He does not look surprised at Ronan’s presence. “Keep it down,” is all he says. “I haven’t finished the homework yet.”

“What homework,” Ronan asks with absolutely no inflection.

“The--” Adam sighs and shakes his head. “What’s the point in telling you, you won’t do it anyway.”

“An astute observation, Parrish.” Ronan kicks off his shoes and goes to grab his sleeping bag, left here for his many unannounced sleepovers.

It goes quiet while Adam resumes his homework at his makeshift desk, and Ronan busies himself getting comfortable. Part of him wonders what he’s doing here, whether he’s just a glutton for punishment, getting as close to Adam as possible without giving the game away entirely.

Except it’s not a game, not really. And if it were, Ronan’s the loser, undoubtedly.

He’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, maybe. Waiting for the day that he shows up and Adam tells him to go away, or just doesn’t even open the door.

But instead, time after time, Adam lets him in. Shares his space. Accepts a share of the snacks Ronan brings with him. Either lets Ronan distract him, or studiously ignores him. But never, ever, turns him away.

Not for the first time, Ronan tells himself it doesn’t mean anything. That Adam is just so desperate for company that even Ronan’s will do. Getting his hopes up is absolutely the worst thing he could do to himself, but foolishly he can’t help it. Not when every laugh he draws out of Adam feels like a personal victory. Not when he now spends more time with Adam than he does with anyone else, even Matthew, even Gansey.

“I can’t concentrate,” Adam mutters, rubbing his temples.

“Well, obviously,” Ronan says, glad to be brought out of his own head, however temporarily. “You’re completely fucking exhausted.”

He’s expecting to be snapped at, because isn’t that his role here? To goad Adam, jab at him, remind him he’s a human fucking person?

But instead Adam laughs, dry and humourless. “Too fucking right.” He looks up, right at Ronan, something searching in his expression.

Ronan’s struck dumb for a moment. He doesn’t know how to be the supportive friend; he doesn’t have the right platitudes to say, and he doubts Adam would want to hear them from him anyway.

All he can say in the end is, “Go to bed, Adam.”

Maybe he was always going to, maybe it’s because Ronan didn’t say anything shitty for once, or maybe it’s the rare use of his given name that gets Adam moving. All Ronan knows is that Adam nods, gets up and turns his light off, and crawls onto his mattress, curling up under his threadbare duvet.

It takes a couple of minutes for Ronan’s eyes to adjust in the dark. When they have, he rolls over onto his side, assuming Adam has already fallen fast asleep.

He’s not though; his eyes are open too, and they meet Ronan’s. Ronan starts, but doesn’t look away. This feels like new territory, and he doesn’t know what to do with it.

Adam smiles a little, the first glimmer of one Ronan’s seen from him all day, and he yawns, letting his eyes close at last. “G’night, Ronan.”

Ronan reaches his hand across the floor, letting it settle in between them. It feels as close as he’ll ever get.

“Night, Parrish.”

He wakes up first, the early light of dawn creeping through the window. Adam is sleeping steadily, breathing deep and even. His fingers are half an inch from Ronan’s, reaching right back.

[leezuhh]

I JUST FINISHED THE RAVEN KING AND ASFHFUSKOXPSOSOSKSK EVERYONE WAS DYING

(tags have more info, spoilers even tho everyone else has prob long since finished this series)