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soulfulazrael · 3 months

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Why me not likey Stolitz and how I decide to write it

In light of recent news that the Full Moon episode will come in this lifetime and will be most definitely HEAVILY Stolitz centric I decided to make a post about what I do not like about this ship (I know, revolutionary) and how I prefer to write it and how I would prefer for it to be written in the show itself... Okay. I am not 100% honest here. Part of the reason why decided to write cringey post about a ship in a disappointing cartoon is this:

THE REASON KIDS ARE TOLD TO NOT TO TALK TO STRANGERS IS BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU! (Yes, Filthy Frank reference. I am not in fact saying they are some predator, I just think they are cringey enough to warrant a reference to good old days when you pointed and laughed at this shit. Do not harass them. Fuck you if you do.).

Okay. Let's get to the ship. Careful... This is going to be long. Filled with annoyance and frustartion boiling over due to collective brain damage I get whenever I see Stolitz shippers talk like teenagers in heat. Enjoy this cancer.

Stolitz has LOTS of issues. Mainly, the writing. Which is atrocious on it. And the worst part about the writing? It didn't have to be this way. Because to me all of the issues with it are amplified by how much of a missed opportunity it is. But let's not lose track. Basically the writing on it is pretty much a standard Disney fare of first sight love which already puts us in a very VERY bad position. This Ars Goetia, one of the most powerful immortal demons is all over this one Imp because they saw them once as a child as they tried to make balloon animals and saw them smile on a line. Riveting. The whole childhood thing already kills A LOT of my interest here. It's so transparent what they are doing that this is just embarrassing. It's manipulative as all Hell (yes, yes, I said Hell, get it out of your system) and adds fuck all to this relationship besides the amount of cheese to make everyone in the world lactose intolerant. And you use this kind of plot for an ARS GOETIA from HELL. WHY!? Why do this? I know it is subversive, but it is so goddamn stupid.

And the stupidest part about it is what this garbage takes away. Because, due to this DAMN ship Ars Goetia are not different in ANY way to normal Hellborn. At all. They just have magic and look like furry avian Habsburgs. All of them are almost indistinguishable from normal Hellborn aside from us being told they are royalty and them having magic. They age the same way as Imps, Hounds and Humans do and if you want to give the "HELL YEARS" excuse, let me remind it would mean in a year time in this show we would have to go to sci-fi and there would be constant wall of bodies falling from the sky every day.

Basically this robs Ars Goetia of being truly unique. They have no unique culture, they have barely any different personalities, they are just bird people. And it's a shame because woes of immortality could be explored here in VERY interesting ways and much of that could have been applied to Stolas as well which I will delve into later. All you need to know for now is that this already puts a SOLID hit to worldbuilding of this setting and makes all the more boring.

Which is what this relationship is at this point. BORING. It's boring now because now it is very clear what direction it will all go in as both Blitzo and Stolas are just pushed as this perfect for each other pair where most amount of conflict is simply "Will they? Or Wont they?" Oh Gee! I wonder what the answer is about this relationship with a character you admitted to change because you found the pairing cute. Golly Gee. I am so anxious to find out. It is simply a waste. There is NO meaningful conflict left here besides them just finding out they are perfect for one another and then beating all those meanies that are in their way and the most meaningful conflict will probably be about forcing Octavia to see how GOOD Blitzo is and how it is okay for Stolas to do what he does... I may or may not have some prior knowledges btw, but I wont say anything. All you need to know is that I want to die.

Which brings us to the most insulting in my opinion issue with both Stolas and Blitzo (O is not silent you gremlin). NOTHING is allowed to be their fault. NOTHING. Every time something seems like they fucked up is immediately forgiven, revealed to NOT be their fault or is swept conveniently under the rug under the guise of "it's just a comic relief bit" or "it's just filler". I genuinely hate that. Both Stolas and Blitzo are awful and flawed people and it would be NICE if this show LEANED INTO THAT. Because that is interesting, but instead this show wants you to root for them by making you forget they are flawed, awful people. Where everyone against them is the evil one or a friend that needs to forgive them and see how hurt THEY are. That is infuriating because it makes both of them a goddamn chore to watch as they are facing no consequences or accountability for any action they did. There is no nuance there. They are just nice people who at most have issues with communication and like to swear, have sex and cry (which doesn't make them deep). I must say Blitzo has SOME interesting conflict to him, but it's beaten down by how much this show tries to make him into some ultra cool badass who is never really in the wrong despite him acting like a complete twat. Which makes me feel like the writing team genuinely thinks like Daffy here at the end:

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And I know this is set in Hell, but it means Jack when you try to make people believe your "asshole" characters are not them. You do not embrace it. You just try to have a cake and eat it too and Viv, you need to go on a diet with how much it happens in both of your shows.

In this topic I think user named crooked-wasteland made a better case than I ever could about the way this show tries to absolve Blitzo at least. Linke here: https://www.tumblr.com/crooked-wasteland/735943916971524096/the-anti-bojack-anti-intellectualism-and-the?source=share

It's a good read that delves nicely into why Blitzo's conflicts end up being so shallow. Also adding to that post. Think about it. Barbie is made up to be the child killer, drug dealer and someone who *gasp* doesn't forgive little pure Blitzy who just wants to reconcile. It's clear who's side this show wants you to be on. Again. NO nuance. Just telling you what to think.

And then there is the side characters in this "conflict" where most characters are basically just props. Loona? Prop to make Blitzo look better. Octavia? Stolas needs some conflict, let's throw her dumb ass in (HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW STARS APPEAR AT NIGHT!? Your family's entire shtick is astrology!!). Stella? Oh she is just evil and stupid. Andrealphus? He is just evil, but actually smart! (actually no, he is also as dumb as a stump, but he speaks like he is not so I guess he is not supposed to be, but something did not pan out too well). Paimon. Boring shithead we saw a million times already and yet another shitty dad, because relationship issues and daddy issues are two things Viv apparently knows. A good video about it I have below:

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TL;DR this ship brings down SO MANY characters down the drain just to make these two look as good as possible. Where nothing is their fault and the most amount of conflict is them realizing how perfect they are for one another and convincing others of that fact I guess. And the worst part is that there has been hints of good writing for it in Season 1 at least in Ozzie's before this series decided to just quickly throw that into the garbage can.

Your best episode and you try to minimize impact it had as much as possible... I am so confused about this direction. Just... WHY!? Now for what I would prefer...

First what I think should have been done. I think this show should have leaned in more into Stolas being an Ars Goetia. An immortal, few hundred years old Ars Goetia. Because that already provides this story with a lot of possibly interesting conflict. Because this one fact would make Stolas all the more complicated as he would already be out of reach in terms of judging him by our own mortal standards. A creature that is few hundred years old that felt empty and bored over so much time of pure stagnancy that finds some semblance of joy and pleasure in the arms of an imp it would not even look at in any other way. A creature that because of it's immortality revels in such new experiences to feel a semblance of anything at all. Where it's purpose is lost to it and instead this demon takes joy in every bit of pleasurable experience that it can latch onto, but in doing so he hurts A LOT of people around him, like his own daughter and while he likes to say he cares for her he still inheritly still wants to feel alive as he is never allowed to.

That already gives Stolas on his own a lot of interesting conflict. He is still understandable in his pursuit of joy and happiness and excitement, but also showing the hedonism and pure selfishness in this pursuit. Where he throws all he has on the wind all for the sake of seeking something good for himself. Is it wrong? Is it correct? No idea. What do you think? That is the thing this series should do. ASK questions. Not answer them! Treat your audience like adults who can make up their own mind which is something this show simply doesn't do which infuriates me on a deep level.

And Blitzo. Lean in, into him being a greedy piece of garbage that gets his just comeuppance when he decides to latch himself onto this noble due to his own greed. Make it his faults that get him into this position and make him stay in it. And maybe if he does start to feel something for this demon as this other one may as well, maybe delve into WHY both of them are attracted to one another. As Blitzo could be attracted to power his position gives him and Stolas to the freedom he receives by being with Blitzo. Both of them loving more the ideas each one allows them to know instead of the people they really are and maybe have the conflict be about first them discovering those growing feelings, but then discovering what they are really pointed towards.

And there is no need to make Stella innocent either as she could be also another extreme adding to the misery, but not because of any inherited evil nature that wants her to hurt Stolas for LOLS, but instead is another victim of the immortality and status all Goetias have. Where it is almost impossible to not be on some level broken in mind.

And in this conflict it could be Octavia who is the anchor for both. A piece of normalcy as she did not live for so long and so is the most human piece in that place.

Some ideas here. And here is how I write it. Because me personally I choose to write it as Blitzo and Stolas both being attracted not to each other, but to what the other gives them. Stolas being forever frustrated about the position he never asked for giving him no freedom where he finds this one Imp that allows him to revel in his deepest and darkest desires and Blitzo being someone who deeply regrets his own decisions, but is too deep to pull out without losing all that he has gained and so pushes Stolas to be worse so he can keep profiting off of him.

Stella in this scenario is not a innocent soul either as in my version she is far more cold, distant and is obsessed with order and subjugation of others in order to elevate the status of her family which she actually cares about, but in a way that feels cruel and demanding. A contrast to Stolas who is a pure hedonist who while seeks joy and happiness where he doesn't have to be afraid is still a monster who's idea of happiness is indulging in most depraved acts without having to care for anyone.

And anchor there being Octavia who both of them care about, but is still hurt by both as both of them find it hard to look at the world in the way that is different from what they were taught and accepted through hundreds of years of their lives. Where many terrible events shaped their lives into those two extremes that have way of existing with one another without the risk of them both destroying one another as Stella wants Stolas gone for tarnishing their reputation and putting their family at risk while Stolas hates Stella for always pulling him with his leash he had to live with all his life. And Octavia through all of this has to find her own way to become someone better. Where she needs to find a path where she can possibly not lose either one and come out of this as someone better.

This is what I would prefer. A conflict where no side is really good, all of them are deeply flawed, complicated and very hard to pin as to which one is good or not. Where it is up to those in the audience as to what to think of this conflict. In another post here I made (like first one and this is second) I linked that fic so I will just say the name.

Song for the Quiet Bird. Stella/Moxxie ship fic. Yeah, I know. If you find it interesting check it out. And no. I do not say Stolitz should be written as I would want it to be. I just say this ship needs more nuance, more interesting characterization, more chemistry and interesting ideas. It needs to be less... cartoony than it is right now because so far it just feels like a dumb telenovela.

Okay... That was... a lot. I definitely did not cover everything I think of Stolitz. I have too much chaos in my head and I feel dizzy after typing all of this shait. Agree with me or not. It doesn't matter. If you read this that means you got very far into my incoherent rambling and I thank you for it no matter what you take from it.

I am just a human disaster with weird goddamn obsessions. Sorry for this being so chaotic. It's a reactionary piece of dumbassery from me. Maybe I will some day post something more coherent. If anyone cares. For now... Take care. Canon Stolitz is shit. At least for me. Disagree? Feel free to! Agreed? Sweet... Leave a comment if you have something to add to this... thing. I always enjoy that. If anyone gets this far.

#helluva boss #helluva boss criticism #helluva boss critical #helluva boss critique #stolitz #stolitz critical #helluva boss rewrite #This is so long #What am I doing with my life?#God above help me #Grant me strength for I am losing it at Warp Speed #Waste of time #Youtube

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libermachinae · 3 years

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Fault Lines Under the Living Room

Part III: Watch - Chapter 8: Registered Purple

Also available on AO3 Chapter Summary: Drift thinks he has the situation on Vitrious handled when he receives unexpected support. Chapter Word Count: 3134

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Wing had taught him a mantra.

Many mantras, in fact, a few glyphs composed to hold him to the path of redemption and humility, charity and strength. Most he had deleted moments after being taught, having witnessed by then the intangible, transient nature of words, but this one he’d kept. He had never recited Wing’s version in full, his bastardization of the lines one of the few acts of rebellion he could get away with, but like most of the training he had received in Crystal City, he had discarded the substance and retained the structure.

In the years since, he had modified it as his circumstances changed and his path wound out of sight. Its recitation had proven one successful method to ground himself, so he focused now on the words, the shape of the glyphs against his thoughts.

My name is Drift.

He dodged behind a pillar as the spot he had been standing on exploded, a hail of blasterfire igniting the organic soil in his wake. The shots followed him, peppering his defenses, and he knew he had only a moment before the porous material gave way.

I’m not an Autobot.

He ducked, rolled, and unfurled into a sprint out the other side. Grit’s crew hesitated, their aim swinging wide before locking onto their target, giving him enough time to dive behind a larger building, a step closer to the cliff wall the city backed into. A lucky shot clipped his shoulder pauldron, sending him stumbling, but he was back behind cover before they could follow it up with a more decisive blow.

I’m not a Decepticon, either.

He pressed his back to the wall and waited for the barrage to let up. Rogue Decepticons tended to go heavy on ammo and light on fuel and medical supplies, but even Deathsaurus’ storage capacity was limited, and these runaways had nothing on that mammoth. The shots eventually petered out, replaced by footsteps.

“That’s it? You think you can just sabotage my operation and run?”

Drift’s spark burned at the reminder of Grit’s business on this planet: non-aligned organic labor procurement. Slave trade. They did not deserve their Deceptibrands, to count themselves among a movement that had fought for freedom. It was an effort to remind himself that he had already been stripped of his badge and was no longer obligated to defend it, and further effort to convince himself, again, that the symbol no longer represented the ideals he had sworn himself to. The people of Vitrious, they were the ones who needed his anger right now. Not a long-dead dream.

He braced his hands against the ground.

What I am is in trouble.

Drift sprung as the muzzle of a pistol appeared around the corner. Pushing off, he lobbed himself over the wall, onto the roof. Two strides and he landed on the other side, crouching to absorb the impact. He was up and sprinting again before Grit could register which way he had gone.

He was looking for an opportunity to catch one on their own, but the trio stuck together and moved as a unit. Hoping he might force them to spread out, Drift jumped for a narrow ledge, sacrificing a moment of vulnerability for the sake of speed. From his new vantage point, he spotted the pier. He considered it, adjusting his plans.

I’m also—

His thoughts were cut short by the roar of a shuttle’s engine.

Drift leapt from the wall and landed back on the rubble strewn street. Not as maneuverable, but like Pit he was going to stay up top to be fried by Grit’s reinforcements. Or the Galactic Council executive force, come to cleanse this system of its Cybertronian problem. He kept moving with his head down, not wasting the seconds it would have taken to look up and confirm. Either presence meant things were about to get complicated.

He stole into an alley just as heavy artillery formed the percussion over the engine’s bass with the Decepticons on vocals, the onslaught driving them to panicked shouting. Galactic Council, then, Drift reasoned. Decepticons gave each other a chance to posture before they started blasting.

Drift’s opinion on the Galactic Council was complicated. He trusted their judiciary system, insofar as he doubted there was anything better. Certainly not where his own kind was concerned. Cybertronians had failed at holding each other accountable for their crimes, given that judge, jury, and prosecution tended to be guilty of actions one step removed from those of the defendant. Their shared history had resulted in societal biases, and while Bumblebee and his enemies might have been trying to reestablish their sense of justice to one another, there yet remained a galaxy of people who did not have the luxury to wait for Cybertronians to realize they were incapable of convicting themselves. The victims of their atrocities deserved control over their justice, and the Galactic Council courts had structures and precedent to provide it.

Galactic Council defense squads operated on a precedent of eliminating Cybertronian threats at any cost. Its structures included battle cruisers, drone swarms, and mobile tactical arrays. They were not lawless entities, but they had been granted all necessary privileges to apprehend those who were, and had, in Drift’s opinion, become that which they had been commissioned to destroy. A single recon squad versus a handful of desperate rogue Decepticons could level a minor metropolitan neighborhood, and most of their standoffs occurred in locations with significantly less infrastructure than that. Drift never called the Council before all combat capable Cybertronians were subdued and removed from vulnerable areas, because otherwise it almost always ended up like the nightmare scenario he was now racing toward.

His priority trees reoriented: he had to get the fight out of the city. He remapped his route and updated acrobatic and combat protocols, shifting stealth to standby. His plating flared out to catch the sun as his pauldrons relaxed, swaying with each step to create a blinking effect. He revved his engine and pushed it into a lower gear, opting for more power, and drew his swords, using them to add volume to his movements as he jumped and spun, landing mid-stride on a roof.

That his optics registered purple when he looked up did not disrupt his momentum and only barely adjusted his plans. A rival group, here for their share of the cube, would be less likely to kill potential merchandise but have no qualms about murdering Grit before the Retins could serve their own justice.

Drift charged forward, up onto a ledge and then across, rooftop to rooftop. The newcomers were staying high and playing cautious, likely because their ship was more transport shuttle than combat vehicle. Offensive capabilities amounted to a single turret lowered from the underside of the ship, but the rapid-fire machine gun was much more intimidating than Grit’s shotgun and his team’s pistols. They were returning fire, but their shots angled wide or fizzled out before they breached the hull, the few that left a pockmark of warped metal the only reason Drift’s acrobatic leaps had yet to gain him any attention.

He got a foothold in the battered outer wall of a tower and launched himself up, arm outstretched. He caught a ledge and propelled himself further, calculating his trajectory in the split seconds he spent with hand or pede on the wall. Up, higher, he flung himself, until he was brushing the sky with his fingertips, brought high by the weight of his frame.

With one final leap, he reached the peak.

From here, the shuttle was still above him, but close enough that he could have seen into the cockpit, had he the time to adjust his lenses that much. Instead, he bent to one knee and retrieved a throwing knife from his lower leg. He pulled his arm back, lining up a shot at the central forward end of the viewshield, approximately where he remembered the pilot’s seat to be. He doubted it would penetrate, but maybe the noise would—

His comm buzzed.

He startled, losing his aim, at the assault of static from a component that had gone too long without use. It was not white noise, though: it peaked and valleyed, following the pattern of speech, until the sound coalesced into recognizable syllables, spoken by a familiar voice.

“Drift, it’s us.”

He almost dropped his knife.

“Ratchet?!”

“And Rodimus,” Ratchet said. “He wants me to say hi. He’d do it himself, but he’s focused on those guys that were giving you trouble.”

“Stop shooting!” There would be explanations later; he had come up here with a purpose, and despite his brief shock, he had not forgotten it. “The Retins are still down there.”

“Got it.”

The turret stopped firing, though it remained engaged and ready, staring down at Grit where he and his crew had been backed into a corner. Their shouting turn to celebratory whoops, assuming their enemies had run out of ammo, and their own assault gained a new vigor as they pressed their assumed advantage.

“No guns,” Rodimus agreed as he joined the channel. “What do we do about them?”

“I’m taking care of it,.” Drift stooped to slot his knife back in, using the familiar motion to calm his scrambled thoughts.

“How do we help?” Ratchet asked.

“By staying out of the way.” He stood and jumped, scaling down the tower pede over hand a fraction faster than he had ascended it. He landed in a roll on the ground, stealth programs back online, and made his way in the direction of Grit’s shouting. There was more rubble the closer he came to the center of town, chunks of walls that had been blown out and shards of glass, and he focused on keeping his movements light and quick, hard to trace as he came closer to listening audials.

“Decepticon ship, fragging answer me,” Grit demanded from around a corner. Drift stilled; he stalled his fans and dropped his engine. “You have some nerve, showing up here without an ident. Who do you think you’re gonna fool, a colorblind Autobot?”

“50 shanix that jerk is dead,” one of the others said. They had stopped shooting.

“What’s the point?” the third asked. “You saw him jumping all over the place like a flashy piece of target practice. I could’ve blasted him myself with my aiming module offline.”

“Just not with your blaster fully loaded, huh?”

“Screw stripper, you weren’t any better.”

“Decepticon shuttle, this is Grit of Polyhex. You’d better answer, or we’ll blast you out of—”

Drift whipped around the corner with an elbow aimed at the back of Grit’s head, where he should have found the exposed juncture between spinal strut and helm. Instead, he hit solid armor, and though Grit stumbled forward a couple steps it was nowhere near the complete freeze Drift had been banking on. He started to reach for a gun, so Drift knocked it away, then danced back as the others realized what was happening and started shooting.

Drift was back where he had started, in close quarters and surrounded. He cursed himself for not realizing how thick Grit’s plating would be while he dodged the incoming fire. He leaned to the side as he hopped out of the way, then back twice and behind a wall. They were following fast, though, he only had a couple seconds to—

“Incoming,” Ratchet warned, before the gunshot.

Drift looked up and saw the shuttle had descended, its hatch lowered with a familiar, flame-like beacon spilling out. Rodimus kneeled at the edge, an oversized Earth rifle perched on his shoulder.

He fired again, the gunshot accompanied this time by the sound of a solid matter bullet hitting plating. Drift peeked around just in time to see one of Grit’s grunts topple over backward with a dent in the front of his helm. Rodimus’ weapon didn’t puncture armor, but it packed enough power to put a bot in stasis.

“Got ‘im!” Rodimus shouted.

It was also concentrated enough to minimize the risk of collateral.

Drift sprung over his cover to the other Decepticon, who had just enough time to shout, “Hey, that’s an Auto—” before a sharp blow with the heel of his hand knocked him back. The Con automatically reached up to his face and Drift took the opportunity to sweep his legs out from under him, ending with a firm kick to the helm that put him out as well.

Grit was alone, swinging his gun between two targets. Drift withdrew his sword as he stepped forward, mindful of the gun but not scared of it.

“Should I shoot him?” Rodimus asked. Drift held up his hand, wait.

“That was a scummy trick,” Grit growled, finger starting to squeeze around the trigger.

Drift moved. Grit fired and he felt the plasma burn the air past his audial, but then he was in front of his assailant, sword pressed to the fuel lines in his neck.

“This was barely a trick,” he said. “Now, enslaving people? That seems pretty ‘scummy’ to me.”

Grit glared at him, optics fritzing. He glanced at the sword, then the gun in his hand.

“You should drop it!” Rodimus called down. “Drift takes things like disarming literally!”

Grit glanced at Rodimus, realized his mistake, and looked back at Drift. Miraculously, his lapse in judgment did not result in getting his head cut off, and that realization seemed to be what forced him to stand down. His optics settled into a steady glow and he set the safety on his gun before dropping it. Drift waited for the clatter before he retrieved his cuffs and fastened them around Grit’s wrists.

“What’s the plan now?” Rodimus asked as Drift set to cuffing the other two. He was surprised the others had not dropped into the fray. Ratchet had the excuse of being confined to the cockpit, but it seemed exactly like the kind of dramatic entrance Rodimus preferred.

Something wasn’t right.

“Same as before,” Drift said. “I take these three to the authorities and we leave the citizens of Vitrious alone.”

“Want us to watch these three while you go get it?” Ratchet asked.

Drift paused snapping on the last pair of cuffs to swivel and side-eye the shuttle.

“Uh, no,” he said. “You do realize how sus that sounds, right? I've had no one but rogue Decepticons for company for," he realized he had no idea how long he'd been out here, "a while, and that’s still the second sketchiest offer I've been made.” He glanced at Rodimus, and this time zoomed in. His face was pinched, frame stiff with tension. “What’s going on?”

He was not looking for an answer, though, his processor already generating the scenario and inserting it into his queue like it was fact. It laid out the team: a back-alley medic could retune a vocalizer, a gifted outlier could copy a frame, and enough living people were owed vengeance against Deadlock to fund the venture. Well honed instincts had him standing up, hands moving to clasp the hilts of his swords.

“We’re here for you,” Rodimus said.

“Then get down here.”

Rodimus stared at Drift. He set the rifle down behind him, at the top of the hatch, but he made no move to disembark, nor did Ratchet lower them to the open street.

“Why are you here?” Drift demanded.

“It’s complicated,” Ratchet and Rodimus said simultaneously, and Drift bristled. He drew his swords and put himself in front of the prone Decepticons, senses cast outward in case this proved to be a distraction.

“Whatever business you have with me, fine, we can deal with,” he said, “but that’s personal. You’re going to leave these bots and this planet alone.”

“Fraggit, of all the lousy—we’re not here to hurt anyone, Drift,” the voice that sounded like Ratchet’s said. “Least of all you.”

The tips of Drift’s swords came up as his grip tightened.

“We need your help,” Rodimus said. “Have you ever heard of the Enigma of Combination?”

Drift’s guard did not waver, but he combed through his archives for anything relevant and was surprised when several files were flagged. Those were old memories, from well before he had joined Turmoil’s squad: a decade in which his service was turned over to Shockwave to act as a research assistant. Test subject might have been a more accurate term, but since he had been designated Subject A and assigned to pull the trigger, Deadlock had stuck around long enough to earn a more permanent title.

Shockwave never mentioned the Enigma outright. Deadlock discovered it while flipping through research materials, trying to pass the boring period between trials, a few entertaining horror stories hidden within the precise jargon. Long lost and, he had assumed, made up.

“Where did you hear about that?” Any potential impersonator could flip through a copy of the Lost Light Insider and gather he had history with Ratchet and Rodimus, but these details were top secret, and he doubted Shockwave cared enough about Subject A to send experienced hitmen after him.

“It’s an ancient artifact, from what we’ve heard,” Ratchet said. “It’s…”

“It’s weird,” Rodimus said, glancing toward the cockpit.

“We have it onboard.”

Drift sheathed his sword, though he kept his position in front of Grit.

“You didn’t—”

“It’s complicated,” they repeated.

“Frag,” Ratchet swore.

The story was outlandish and the circumstances suspect, and Drift’s logic centers were trying to work through his complex feelings even as he shoved them down. It meant something, that the latest reminder of his old life came in the form of these two bot specifically. There was a story here, and it seemed he was intended to hear it.

He glanced at the Decepticons, then back at the ship.

“There’s a clearing west of the city,” he said. “Don’t go anywhere else. I’ll meet you there.”

“Okay,” Rodimus said. “Will you be alright with those guys?”

“Yes.” He turned his back on Rodimus and finished clamping on the last set of cuffs, focusing on keeping his hands gentle while he handled the unconscious prisoner. The other was starting to stir, and Drift debated whether it would be easier to let him wake up or put him back into stasis.

“We’ll see you there, then,” Ratchet said.

They waited to leave until Drift was standing again, one body lugged over his shoulder and the other supported with an arm around his back, Grit walking out in front of them. He heard the raise, then the engines fire, and the shuttle gently peeled away from the city. Drift watched it to confirm its direction before he grunted to Grit to start moving.

“Fraggin’ Autobots,” Grit muttered. Drift was inclined to agree.

#maccadam #transformers #ratchet #rodimus #drift #dratchrod #my writing #fault lines #longfic #ghhh it took a while but we MADE IT

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friendship-ended-with-pokespe · 4 years

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Kirby and the Big Race in Dream Land! Chapter 4

“Whoop-de-doo, I’m in first place!” Driving Rex Wheelie smoothly is King Dedede. He had trouble with controlling it at first, but soon got the knack of it and appeared to be maneuvering it well. Having chased after him, Walky commentated with force.

“As expected from King Dedede! No one could come close to him with such strength! Pulling ahead of the other athletes, he is heading for the second checkpoint......hoo-boy! There’s an athlete that drew level with him here! A surprise rival......it’s Mr. Frosty!” Walky hurriedly turned over his documents. “The Machine that Mr. Frosty is riding is Slick Star! It’s very light, where free movement is its trait! What do you think, Commentator Meta Knight?” “Looks like it’s a good match for Mr. Frosty. The athletes that chose the machine that goes well with them can move through the race to their advantage.” “I see then! Ah, about to be caught up, King Dedede has raised his hammer! That’s low! It’s a cowardly move!” Right as he turned around, King Dedede swung his hammer down at Mr. Frosty. Steering the Stick Star, Mr. Frosty is easily dodging the attack.

”Ohh, he dodged it nicely! Such movement can only be done by Slick Star, having a light frame!” “He’s not going to let himself get attacked. Look, Mr. Frosty is making a counterattack!” Mr. Frosty is already on the offensive. Leaning out from the machine, he shouts. “I won’t go easy even if it’s you! This is a real fight!” Mr. Frosty hurled a lump of ice at him. Unable to dodge it, King Dedede slips. He nearly fell, where he barely managed to put Rex Wheelie back up. “Now you’ve done it! I won’t forgive you, Mr. Frosty~!” “Serious match it is!” Mr. Frosty continues hurling the blocks of ice. King Dedede swings his hammer. They both swerved from the course and ended up brawling. Walky’s commentary too is more and more heated up. “That’s not good! It has turned into an off-track melee right before the second checkpoint! In the meantime, other Machines are passing through one after another! Burning Leo, Poppy Bros. Jr., and Chef Kawasaki! Ah, even the infighting Meta Knights have somehow caught up with them! And finally, Kirby too!” The athletes rushed en masse into the checkpoint. Having been on stand-by, the TV staff readied their microphones and announced. “This is ‘Superspicy Gourmet Challenge of Terror,’ the second checkpoint! Everyone, please get off of your Machines. You can’t pass through this point unless you eat all the super spicy foods that have been prepared here.” Kirby was the first to hop down from his Machine. None of the damage from crashing into the glass wall is left in him. He shouts with full energy. “Leave it to me if it’s a gourmet challenge! I’ll eat anything in one gulp!” The staff cautioned him in a hurry. “Please be careful. These super spicy foods are really spicy! It’ll be harmful if you don’t take your time and eat it!” “No problemo!” Served in a large bowl, the super spicy foods were carried right before the athletes. Smeared with the super spicy seasoning, meat and vegetables are all tinged in flaming scarlet. The food looked ominous just from seeing it. The athletes took a glance and shuddered. “Can we......eat this?” “Oi, oi......I’ve never seen a food this bright red......” “I feel like my tongue will burn......” Everyone is shrinking back. But Kirby did not quail even the slightest. “Looks yummy~! Let’s dig in!” Holding the bowl, he opens his mouth wide and swallows it all in one gulp. “Mmm~! Yummy~!” Seeing Kirby beaming, the athletes breathed easy. “What, it’s not as spicy as it looks.” “There was nothing to worry about.” “Time to dig in!” Following Kirby, they all ate the contents of the bowl all at once, but: Just then, it became swirling with piercing screams. “Nnnnnnguooo!!!??? Uoo......uoooo......uoooo......!” “WHAT IS THIS!!!???” “Eeeeekkk! I’m burningggggg!” “Water! Wateeeeeeeer! The staff are hurriedly carrying out water. The athletes scramble for it and gulp the water. Even so, the stimulation left in their mouth doesn’t vanish. Some athletes were even writhing about and shedding tears. Mace Knight said as he wept. “Why is......Kirby fine......?” “Mm? Me? But it wasn’t spicy at all! I want more! Se......conds......” Kirby was about to say as if nothing had happened, but his face twitched suddenly. “NNNNNNN!!? W-W-WHAT!!!!??? H-Hotttttt! My insides are all hottttttt!” As they watched, Kirby’s body turned bright red. “S......S......Save meeeeeee!!!” Running amok, Kirby knocked down the bowl, kicked away the camera, and soared high in the sky. Walky shouts. “Holy smokes! Kirby, who has been calm just now, has started running riot! What has happened, Commentator Meta Knight?” “It’s because Kirby would swallow anything whole. I guess he didn’t have any time to taste the spiciness. But then the super spicy food exploded inside his stomach.” “I see! Will Kirby be alright!?” “Wateeeeeeeeeer! Kirby gulps down the waters brought by the staff, but that cannot possibly satiate him. “Bring some mooooore!!” “There isn’t any!” “AAAAAUUUGGHHH!!!!!!” The ones that then came rushing were King Dedede and Mr. Frosty. Absorbed in brawling, they both forgot about the super spicy challenge, but remembered it at last and came sprinting. King Dedede shouts. “Hurry up and bring me the super spicy foods! I can eat ‘em all in one bite!” “I won't lose either!” Holding the bowl at the time, the two devoured the super spicy foods in one gulp. Its effect is immediate. “......Nnnnnnnggoooooo!?” “Guaaaaaaaaaa!!!! G-G-Gruaaaaaaaaaa!” Letting out a nonsensical scream, they topple over. Kirby came walking in front of the two convulsing in pain. Walky yells. “Kirby’s consciousness is dim from the spiciness! What is he up to!?” “Wa......teeeeeer! Water pleaseeeeeeeee!” Kirby opens his mouth wide and gives a good inhaling. Mr. Frosty was dead ahead of him. “Ohhhh......ohh!? S-Stop, Kirby! I’m not water!” “Wateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!” Closing his eyes, Kirby inhales with all his might. “Huhhhhhhh~!?” Flying in the air, Mr. Frosty was sucked up by Kirby. To not get sucked in, Walky clings onto a tree and continues commentating. “Ohh......ohhh......holy toledo! Kirby has sucked up Mr. Frosty! Isn’t it against the rules to inhale the rival athlete!?” “No, there isn’t a rule that says that you can’t inhale your rival. This too is part of the battle.” “I see! Ah, having inhaled Mr. Frosty, Kirby has put his Ice ability into work!” It is just as Walky says. Kirby was transforming into a figure with a beautiful blue hat on. Kirby’s power is being able to copy the ability of the opponent that he inhales. He was able to use the Ice ability thanks to inhaling Mr. Frosty. His thirst was satisfied at last. His stomach is instead filling up with the water he swigged. ”Puwaaahhhh!” Kirby took a deep breath. His breath became blizzard below freezing point and blew against the surrounding objects.

”Here it is, Kirby’s ‘Ice Breath!’ This fearsome move freezes the surrounding objects with the breath of ice!” Shouts Walky. The bowl, the table, and the rocks lying around nearby all turned into a clump of ice. Popping into his mouth the ice-turned rocks willy-nilly, King Dedede wiped his sweat. “Phew......I was saved! The numbness in my tongue is gone at last!” Hearing him, the athletes squirming in pain also sank their teeth into the ice in succession. Everyone breathes easy. “Thank heavens! The spiciness is gone at last!” “I’m finally able to talk again!” “Thanks a lot, Kirby!” Surrounding Kirby, the athletes relaxed at last.

Someone was watching the situation in the shade of a tree. It was Producer Kizario. Clicking his tongue wistfully, he mumbled. “Tch......so they all washed it off with ice. The Super Spice that I went through so much in mixing fell flat......” “Super Spice? What’s that?” A voice was heard behind Kizario. He jumped up in surprise. He turns around in a hurry. Meta Knight was behind him. “M-Meta Knight!? W-Why the devils are you here......!” “Is it bad for me to be here?” “A commentator should be in the commentator’s seat!” “What is this Super Spice? Is there some sort of a secret in that super spicy food?” “I-It’s nothing! Let’s get on with the race!” Kizario left Meta Knight to get away from him. Meta Knight was riveting his eyes on his back. (......I knew that man was hiding something. Looks like this race is a breeding ground for turmoil.)

“Congrats on passing the second checkpoint, you all!” Facing the athletes sinking down to the floor, Kizario said in a loud voice. “No time to loosen up! We continue the race. Get moving and head to the third checkpoint!” “Wha......let us rest a little.” “My body’s strength has all gone from the super spicy food just now......” Grumbled the athletes, but Kizario persisted. “Do you not want the prize? Anything you wish for is to be granted! If you’re gonna drop out here, then help yourself!” “Ummm......I don’t wanna drop out......” “Then get on your machine this instant. Chop-chop!” The athletes boarded the Machine with a discontent look. Meta Knight called to Kirby about to board the Warp Star. “Kirby. Return Mr. Frosty back to normal before you get on with the race. I would feel sorry for him to drop out like that” “Ah, you’re right!” Kirby spun once in midair. The Copy Ability fell off and reverted back to Mr. Frosty. Mr. Frosty fell limp and plopped down right there. “Guwaaa......my throat is......burning......bring me wateeer......” “Sorry about that, Mr. Frosty. There isn't any leftover water or ice!” Hopping onto the Warp Star effortlessly, Kirby gradually gained speed.

After the athletes passed through the second checkpoint and Mr. Frosty too wandered away in search of a lake: With rattle, rattle, rattle......a vehicle drew closer. It was Wheelie Scooter, with Waddle Dee on board. Cleaning up after them, the TV staff noticed and spoke to him. “Huh? You’re an athlete too? The other athletes got through already.” “I’m in last place. What should I do for this checkpoint?” “You eat the super spicy foods, but there aren’t any left.” “Eh......no way......am I disqualified then?” Seeing Waddle Dee down in the mouth, the staff felt sorry for him and said. “You poor thing. Hmm......there is a little bit of seasoning left, so how about you try ‘em?” “S-Sure thing!” “There isn’t a rule that says that you have to eat the entire bowl. You should be able to pass even if you eat a tiny bit.” Placing the tiny bit of the spice in a small plate, the staff spice laid it before Waddle Dee. Nervously trying the morsel, Waddle Dee jumped up. “Hot!! My mouth is stinging!” “Ahaha! The others had to go through way more than that.” “But it feels like my strength is welling up!” “You’re right about that. After all, this seasoning is Super Spice, Young Master Kizario’s special......” “Hey, we’ll get told off if we talk too much.” Warned the other staff. Having been about to say something, the staff buttoned his lips in a hurry. “Oopsie, my tongue slipped......let’s say that you didn’t hear what I said right now.” “......?” Waddle Dee thought of it as strange, but the staff quickly shook his hand. “Well, get going, would ya. You probably won’t pull even with the others regardless of how hard you try, but you shouldn’t throw in the towel. Who knows, you might get a participation prize for reaching the goal.” “Yes. I’ll try my best.” Mounting Wheelie Scooter a second time, Waddle Dee was moving forward......with rattle, rattle, rattle.

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#kirby novels #kirby of the stars #light novel #translation #kirby #waddle dee #king dedede #meta knight #walky #meta knights

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tigerkirby215 · 4 years

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Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything subclass Tier List

(Artwork from Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything. Posted by @robmichel_art on Twitter. Copyright Wizards of the Coast.)

I was going to make some comparison posts between the UAs and the full release of Tasha’s but other more qualified people are doing that, so instead in my continued effort to pretend that this account is for more than just me satisfy my character building obsession I decided to make a little tier list ranking the subclasses from Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything from my least favorite to my favorite.

This list is going to be comparing the subclasses from Tasha’s to each-other, but is also going to be comparing the subclasses to the other available subclasses for the class they’re from. So even if I really like a subclass it’ll lose points if the class already had better options. I’m not going to talk about any of the reprinted classes from Eberron or Ravnica but I will talk about the reprinted Theros subclasses (Eloquence Bard / Glory Paladin) as for many people this will be their first time seeing them.

Also it goes without saying but this is just my opinion! So sorry if you really like the next class you’re about to see because it’s at the bottom of my tier list!

F TIER

Psi Warrior (Fighter)

Well something had to be the worst. Truthfully I really wasn’t interested in the Psi Warrior during UA but wow its full release leaves a lot to be desired.

First let’s get the obvious out of the way: “Worse Battlemaster LUL!” It is laughable how bad this subclass is when compared to Battlemaster. BM gets to give itself advantage, give allies advantage, move allies, fear enemies, grapple enemies, give enemies disadvantage... and by comparison Psi Warriors get to do a little more damage or reduce a bit of incoming damage.

The fact that this subclass requires Intelligence confuses me to no end. They changed both Rune Knight and Soul Knife to not require intelligence (even though Rogues are kinda expected to have good Intelligence to help with skill checks) but Psi Warrior still needs INT? It amazes me that Battlemaster, Rune Knight, and Echo Knight are all SAD (single ability dependent) yet Psi Warrior of all subclasses is the one they consider too strong if you can min-max.

The biggest problem with this class by far is the Psionic Energy Die. Having your main class resource only come back after a Long Rest is insulting. (It’s the problem that Samurai Fighter has had since it was printed and it’s really sad that Wizards of the Coast didn’t learn from that.) While Battlemaster gets bigger die that have more effects which come back on a short rest Psi Warrior can only recharge one die per short rest. Honestly this subclass would be so much better if you regained Psionic Energy Die when using Second Wind (as well as having a dedicated action for it) so at least then you could have more than one die per short rest.

The only good level in this subclass is level 7, entirely because you get to Fly when you Dash. I mean, sure the UA Dragon Monk can also do that but at least this is in the official rules. Everything else that this subclass gets is weak: Telekinetic Thrust lets you do what Battlemasters were doing at level 3, Guarded Mind is just bad (Monk? Never heard of ‘em!), Bulwark of Force is mediocre at best (I know like 3 people who actually understand how cover works in 5e), and Telekinetic Master is a laughably weak capstone. Your capstone as a Fighter is a situational 5th level spell that takes away your ability to attack? Meanwhile actual spellcasters are casting 9th level spells, and other martials are doing upwards of 50 damage per turn.

At first I was largely indifferent to the Psi Warrior but after reading over all its abilities its laughable how bad it is. It at least surpasses Purple Dragon Knight in terms of mediocrity (ironic considering that the two of them are beside each-other on D&D Beyond) but it’s the only true stinker of Tasha’s, and it gets the honor of being the second weakest Fighter subclass and the weakest subclass in this book.

D TIER

Aberrant Mind (Sorcerer)

This is the best subclass to play if your only desire is to cast spells, and I mean that in the worst possible way. While every other Sorcerer has a defined class role Aberrant Mind feels like the most generic milk-toast subclass that you pick simply because you didn’t know what to play. While Clockwork Soul defends, Divine Soul heals, Draconic Bloodline blasts, Shadow Magic sneaks, Storm Sorcerer evades, and Wild Magic does memes Aberrant Mind’s only major strengths come online at level 14+.

Telepathy at level 1 is a joke when compared to the other Sorcerers. CS can negate advantage, DS gets Super Bless on top of access to the Cleric spell list, DB gets free Mage Armor, SM gets super Darkvision and the Half Orc racial trail, SS gets goddamn flight, and WM gets to kill the party at level 1 with a level 3 fireball. Meanwhile AM gets the Message cantrip with a longer range.

Psionic Sorcery is okay. Getting cheaper* (citation needed) spells that you can Subtle Spell for free is alright. The subclass spell list is good and seeing as you can sub out the spell to take better ones if needed you can really get some useful magic for your kit.

SPELLS TO LOOK AT AS AN ABBERANT MIND SORCERER

LEVEL 1

Dissonant Whispers is honestly a really good spell to have, but Arms of Hadar is a bit situational. If willing you can swap it out with: the utility Divination spells (Detect Magic / Identity - remember that Sorcerers can’t Ritual cast so it might be better for someone else to take these), Hex, Sleep, or Tasha’s Hideous Laughter.

LEVEL 2

Gift of Gab from Acquisitions Incorporated is either going to be a complete joke of a spell or the most useful spell in your arsenal. Hold Person is the most obvious choice from second level. Tasha’s Mind Whip is a great single-target damage spell with some added utility, and is almost objectively better than Mind Spike because it doesn’t require Concentration.

LEVEL 3

Both Hunger of Hadar and Sending are great spells, and there really aren’t a lot of Divination / Enchantment spells at third level. The only one I can really recommend is Tongues if you need the utility.

LEVEL 4

Evard’s Black Tentacles and Summon Aberration are both extremely strong spells, but if you want to replace them for some reason: Arcane Eye is essentially just a better familiar, Confusion is a great AoE disruption spell, and Locate Creature can be useful in a pinch.

LEVEL 5

Honestly the spell list really opens up at 5th level. Just about any choice is good, so look on D&D Beyond to see what to take. If you know me I’m going to recommend Synaptic Static.

Psychic Defenses, like with Psi Warrior, seems to have been taped onto the class because WoTC realized how weak it was so they just threw more situational garbage into its kit to compensate.

Revelation in Flesh is pretty much the only good ability you get. And granted there’s some insane utility with this ability. Not-quite-Blindsense, fly speed (best one), swim speed (worst one), and the folding ability that I’m sure will result in some interesting stories on Reddit. Warping Implosion is also a great escape-utility ability but like it’s your 18th level capstone of course it was going to be good.

If I was going to play in a level 20 one shot I’d perhaps roll up a level 20 Aberrant Mind. (Or more like a level 18 Aberrant Mind with 2 levels in Warlock because Sorcerer’s level 20 capstone sucks lol.) But unless I knew the campaign was going to at least level 15 I wouldn’t even bother.

Oath of the Watchers (Paladin)

It was boring in UA and it’s boring now. I feel bad that I have so little to say about Oath of the Watchers, especially after writing massive paragraphs about Psi Warrior and Aberrant Mind. But Oath of the Watchers feels like the worst parts of Arcana Cleric to me. Only difference is that while Arcana Cleric gets Wizard spells you get Moonbeam and help with Initiative. This subclass feels more campaign-specific than PHB Ranger and that’s really saying something.

Swarmkeeper (Ranger)

It’s certainly the most unique Ranger, both in terms of concept and in terms of abilities. It actually has a lot of utility with a good spell list and the Gathered Swarm feature providing a lot of great utility to a martial character. The thing is that in all honesty this subclass is kinda boring until level 15. And the other big problem is that the fantasy and roleplay that this subclass provides is so strange. When you think “Ranger” do you think master of the hunt, traveling through multiple dimensions and slaying powerful foes from the shadows with a tamed beast at their side? Or do you think “hurr durr bugzzz”?

This subclass feels like the one you pick when you've played literally every other subclass available, or when you get them from a random character generator. Ironically enough I do actually have a friend who made a Swarmkeeper for a one-shot I ran back when this subclass was in UA. But the fact that they made the character just to test UA shows just the type of characters that will be made with this subclass.

Way of Mercy (Monk)

You either love it or you’re completely indifferent, is what I have found the general opinion of Way of Mercy to be. Guess which camp I’m in. This subclass literally just feels like a Cleric with mobility whose healing comes back on a short rest. Time will see how OP “I can heal every turn and get my Cure Wounds back on a Short Rest” not-Cleric will be, but until then the subclass is pretty much exactly what it says on the tin. For the people who wanted to play a healing Monk I’m happy for them.

Path of the Beast (Barbarian)

If I can sum up Path of the Beast in one word it’s “underwhelming.” Form of the Beast gives you three above-average weapons to choose from, Bestial Soul gives you some movement buffs, Infectious Fury lets you do some decent crowd control or damage spiking, and Call the Hunt lets you buff your party.

The thing is... you’re fighting against “resist all damage” (Totem Warrior), “protect your allies with your JoJo Stand” (Ancestral Guardian), “smite with the wrath of God” (Zealot), or “shoot lightning out of your goddamn chest.” (Storm Herald.) It’s not a bad subclass and honestly compared to some of the existing Barbarians (Beserker, Battlerager, and honestly Storm Herald is bad too) it’s pretty strong. But it’s just so, so boring.

I need to preface this by saying that Barbarian is probably my least favorite class in 5e and for what it’s worth I’m certainly more interested in playing Path of the Beast than say Battlerager, but I can’t help but feel that this subclass just lets you hit things better as the class that does nothing other than hit things. The only real positive I see to this subclass is the flavor, which absolutely carries it above the likes of Totem Warrior and Zealot. (Both of which I think are objectively stronger than Beast Barbarian.)

Clockwork Soul (Sorcerer)

It been mostly unchanged from playtest even though as I stated Clockwork Soul was one of the subclasses I was a little worried about. But even then the subclass just feels so boring to me. It seems like this subclass is entirely designed to be the “no fun allowed” character who just says “No U” to everything the DM does. Don’t get me wrong it’s certainly a strong defensive subclass but I feel like if you want to play a defensive spellcaster you’re more likely to play an Abjuration Wizard or a Cleric in general.

And the lore just doesn’t really click for me? I can understand how you’d have dragon blood magic, shadow soul magic, and celestial infusion magic. But how the heck do you get a Clockwork Soul? I know Mechanus is a thing in D&D but I feel like for the average normie this won’t make any sense.

Also RIP in piss Heat Metal from the subclass spell list. Here’s my suggestion for spells if you want to play a CSS:

LEVEL 1 - Absorb Elements, Armor of Agathys, Featherfall, Mage Armor, Shield

LEVEL 2 (Aid and Lesser Restoration are good but Aid chews through your spell slots) - Enhance Ability, Enlarge / Reduce

LEVEL 3 - Blink, Counterspell, Fly, Gaseous Form, Haste, Slow

LEVEL 4 (Tasha’s Summoning Spells are good but Freedom of Movement is highly situational) - Banishment, Polymorph

LEVEL 5 - Animate Objects, Passwall

C TIER

College of Creation (Bard)

It has a lot of interesting abilities. Performance of Creation in particular is arguably one of the strongest abilities for someone who knows the equipment page well in the PHB. The problem is just that unless you have a very specific build in mind I don’t really know why you’d play the College of Creation? It feels like a Conjuration Wizard... but it’s a Bard. Perhaps the biggest irony is how much stronger this subclass feels when compared to the Conjuration Wizard, but you really have to be in the mood to play a conjurer.

Oath of Glory (Paladin)

Having some experience playing this subclass in a one-shot (Theros yay!): it’s very hit-or-miss. The spell list is amazing, the Channel Divinities are mediocre at best, the aura is garbage (10 foot +10 movement aura LUL), Glorious Defense is insane, and Living Legend is a capstone ability so of course it’s going to be good.

I think the main reason you’ll pick this subclass is for their subclass spells. And don’t get me wrong: Guiding Bolt and Haste are crazy good. But considering that Paladins usually want to blow everything on Smites?

When I played this character it was a 9 level dip into Paladin with a 3 level dip into Warlock. I didn’t use a melee weapon and opted for Eldritch Blast spamming. And that’s essentially this subclass as a whole: it wants you to be a spellcaster, which is great if you multiclass into a spellcaster (Aura of Protection is always good) but it feels bad as an actual Paladin.

The new Fighting Style that lets you get some cantrips as a Paladin might make this subclass better, but you’re still stuck being a half caster. Can’t escape the feeling that an actual caster would be better.

Path of Wild Magic (Barbarian)

It’s fun, is all I can really say. The subclass is built almost entirely around the Wild Surge table you get at level 3 and all the effects are strong. (Thankfully none of them are OP like in UA.) Unstable Backlash means that with luck you should eventually get a good Wild Magic effect.

The use of a d3 for Bolstering Magic is still a crime. It should just be a d4, with the spell slot restoration thing being “reroll on a 4.” (Or better yet: “roll a d4 and take half the roll, rounded up.” I still think having an RNG chance to get back a Haste or Fireball is a bit too strong.)

B TIER

Fey Wanderer (Ranger)

All I can say is thank god this subclass got better. It went from a weird pseudo-Paladin to a subclass with its own identity and theme. The only ability that’s really weak currently is Dreadful Strikes since it encourages you to spread out your damage for no particular reason. Horizon Walker had a similar problem but you could still focus damage as Horizon Walker. And you were doing more than a d4 of extra damage.

But beyond that this subclass is great! The subclass spell list is very strong. Otherworldly Glamour gives you some utility as a party face. Beguiling Twist... is honestly a little hit-or-miss. But it’s made up for by Fey Reinforcements and Misty Wanderer. Having a non-concentration summoning spell along with near-unlimited Misty Step is so insanely powerful to keep out of harm and to keep your DPS up.

Fey Wanderer seems really good at a lot of the things a Ranger wants to do. It’s a good skill monkey (being good at Charisma which other Rangers usually aren’t), a good damage dealer, a strong defensive support, a great single-unit summoner, and incredibly slippery and mobile. I don’t know if it’s enough to make me play the class (Ranger’s flavor is still iffy for me overall) but it’s definitely on my list for subclasses to try someday!

Order of the Scribes (Wizard)

Order of the Scribes is the best default Wizard, which is its biggest strength and its largest weakness. Getting a free colored pen is fun and flavorful, being able to get all your spells back if you lose your spellbook is insanely useful, always having an Arcane Focus is great, being able to replace the damage type of your spells is MASSIVE, getting to cast a Ritual Spell with its normal casting time is situationally fantastic.

Getting what essentially amounts to a free familiar is amazing. Getting what essentially amounts to a free spell slot (to upcast a second level spell) is great, and is honestly worth multiclassinging into for a lot of classes. Being able to negate incoming damage as a Wizard (IE squishy d6 hit die baby) is huge, even if you lose a lot of spells in the process. (I assure you by level 14 you’re going to have some useless spells that you’re never going to cast.)

But the problem with Order of the Scribes is that it has to compete with Divination, Evocation, Chronurgy, and War Wizard. If you have any specific build you want to go for then the specific schooled subclasses are better. But if you “just want to cast spells or whatever” Order of the Scribes is a lot of fun.

I actually have a character who’d fit Order of the Scribes very well, it’s just that Chronurgy feels so much more fun even if it doesn’t fit him as well. And that’s literally the exact problem with Order of the Scribes summed up in one anecdote.

Peace Domain (Cleric)

You may be forgiven for thinking this subclass is just a Life Cleric that doesn’t wear Heavy Armor, but the Emboldening Bond and the upgrades it gets are incredibly useful. Protective Bond in particular is such a massive power boost to the tanks of your party, giving them mobility and letting them take damage for squishy allies.

Peace Domain is by far the best party buffing spellcaster. They make everyone else amazing, and while that may not be fun for everyone I’m a garbage Yuumi main so it’s right up my alley.

Circle of Wildfire (Druid)

“iT dOeSn’T hAvE fIrEbAlL aNyMoRe It’S bAd BeCaUsE nO fIrEbAlL” oh get over your Fireball fetish Reddit. Circle of Wildfire is carried pretty much entirely by its flavor. It’s such a unique take on a Druid it’s impossible not to find at least some build to make with this subclass.

That’s not to say that it’s a bad subclass! The summon feels weak but you get two of them per short rest. Having a powerful subclass feature tied to short rests is really nice as a spellcaster. All your other features are very useful and flavorful, though my one complaint is that Cauterizing Flames is hard to use in Theater of the Mind.

It’s just a very fun and unique subclass that offers a unique flavor to Druids that they don’t normally have. I’m sure a lot of players will be motivated to try a Druid just to take a crack at this class. Hopefully they realize that only you can prevent forest fires.

A TIER

Phantom (Rogue)

I’m actually surprised how much I like this class to be honest. I made a Phantom Rogue once as a joke for a one-shot and to my surprise the subclass is actually very powerful and fun! It surprisingly just feels like a better Rogue, but considering how strong Rogues are normally that’s all the better for Phantom Rogue. You can easily fill any skill proficiencies your party needs thanks to Whispers of the Dead, and Wails from the Grave really lets you increase your DPS.

Tokens of the Departed got a major boost from UA since it now lets you use Wails from the Grave more, but the flavor of being able to ask the souls of the dead for information is also great. Ghost Walk is just insanely useful in general, and Death’s Friend lets you do double Sneak Attack damage every turn! Imagine how much damage you’d do with a crit!

The flavor is the one thing that I think hurts this subclass, as it’s really hard to make essentially an undead Rogue without immediately being labeled as an edgelord. But if a party ever needs a Rogue to do all the things that a Rogue does this character is perfect!

I’m personally awaiting the day to bring back Bill, the Undead Kobold Detective.

Way of the Astral Self (Monk)

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JoJo subclass. I like JoJo. This subclass was overpowered in UA but the final release manages to capture the same feeling without being broken. Let’s go over the features one by one:

Arms of the Astral Self gives you a JoJo stand rush against everyone close to you, letting you recreate the flavor of JooJ without breaking action economy too much. But being able to prioritize Wisdom is huge to keep your Stunning Strike DC high while still getting good attack damage. But it’s still not OP since Dexterity is tied to your AC. It’s perhaps a little strong for multiclass builds (you can use your spellcasting modifier to attack) but multiclassing into Monk has always been kinda iffy, and Shillelagh has existed since the PHB was released. It should also be said that having Reach weapons as a Monk is huge, since you don’t have to get the Mobile feat to do hit-and-run.

Visage of the Astral Self is a nice social feature for a subclass that doesn’t normally get social features. Body of the Astral Self gives you more defense and offense. And Awakened Astral Self just further increases your defense and offense.

Excluding weeb shit this subclass just has awesome flavor. I’m actually planning on playing this subclass soon. (I’m playing a Cleric / Monk multiclass and I’m only level 2 in Monk currently.) I’m surprised myself that my first Astral Self character isn’t a fucking JoJo OC, considering that I already have a grand total of about 5 JoJo OCs.

Twilight Domain (Cleric)

Twilight domain also surprised me with how interesting it is. I don’t really have much to say other than it has a good mix of defensive, offensive, and utility abilities. Your subclass spell list is very strong for the most part. Eyes of Night and Vigilant Blessing are both just generally useful. Twilight Sanctuary isn’t insane but it’s consistent and it’s nice. Steps of Night is very strong and has a nice aesthetic. And Twilight Shroud is a good boost to your Channel Divinity.

The honest truth is that Twilight Domain feels kinda weak by comparison to some of the other Clerics. It’s no Forge, Grave, Life, or even Order Domain is all I can say. The fact that all your features only work in the dark is iffy if you don’t have shadows to sulk in. But along with just generally having good abilities the flavor is really what carries this subclass.

Here’s a meme:

Armorer (Artificer)

Artificer is one of my favorite classes so it’s no surprise that a new Artificer subclass excites me. Armorer fills a niche that I think Artificer didn’t have, and surprisingly it’s not the “tank” archetype. Armorer is still a good tank but the Infiltrator armor also gives you an option to play the subclass at range.

What I like is that Armorer is a subclass that doesn’t have a summon and puts more focus on your infusions. Armor Modifications is such a great feature that really brings the customization to Artificer. It truly lets you make your character your own instead of focusing on concrete class features. It doesn’t surpass Warlock Invocations for customizability, but it’s still great to get two personal magic items of your choice.

Yeah this subclass is going to be used a lot for min-maxing. Giving Wizards easy access to Heavy Armor is a little scary. But really if a Wizard wants to take a 3 level dip just for armor and the Guidance cantrip let them. Let the squishy boys have some AC for once.

Circle of Stars (Druid)

Full disclosure: I’ve been wanting to make a Stars Druid after the Rise of the Mountain expansion came to Legends of Runeterra. My first Druid had Telepathy (I took the Telepathic feat as a joke since I had a floating ability score) and it helped me realize how crazy a Druid with telepathy was for espionage. After seeing The Trickster celestial card from LoR I felt the artwork hit all three of my qualifiers for a character: class I want to play, great theme, and furry.

(Artwork by Kudos Productions. Made for Riot Games.)

My personal interest in this subclass aside: it has such a wonderful aesthetic that’s perfect for any character who wants an astral connection. The features are also great: Guiding Bolt is a strong spell to have as is Guidance, and having reactionary Bardic Inspirations is nice for a spellcaster.

But of course the main feature of Starry Form lets you still play the game normally while also benefitting from your Wild Shapes. Stars Druid is probably the second best Wildshape Druid despite not actually Wildshaping. Free Bonus Action attacks is huge, extra healing is always helpful, help with concentration (and Flight later) is really swell, and resisting all damage while not-Wildshaped is very helpful and lets you play as a pseudo Frontliner.

Stars Druid just does so many nice things and I think it’s a great subclass that can fit into any team comp. Druids are already insanely useful (arguably one of the strongest classes in 5e) so to have one that can do so much is massive.

Soulknife (Rogue)

Much like Phantom Rogue this subclass feels just really good in general. You can boost your skill checks and also add not-Bardic Inspiration to your attack rolls to do more guaranteed damage. However this subclass is by far the best Rogue for infiltration. Yes: even better than Assassin. (Though I’d perhaps suggest learning how to use a Disguise Kit.) 1 mile telepathy, teleportation, and invisibility all seem to be built for infiltration. If you have a DM who likes infiltration, espionage, and other encounters that don’t involve combat then Soulknife is by far the best subclass on offer.

But of course you aren’t picking Soulknife just to sneak around! The Psychic Blades are easily the most useful feature not just for Rogues, but for many builds! Having an unlimited supply of thrown weapon suddenly makes a lot more builds viable. My dreams of a ranged Paladin or ranged Barbarian are somewhat crushed by RAW, but there are still some niches that can be filled with unlimited throwing weapons.

Fun fact: you can’t do extra Rage damage with thrown weapons, but you can use Reckless Attack on thrown Finesse weapons. What’s more interesting is that you can’t use Divine Smite on thrown weapons, but you can use Improved Divine Smite on thrown weapons. But of course you can always talk to your DM to see what their final ruling is.

Rune Knight (Fighter)

You can become Giant which makes my stupid furry ass horny for Volibear and Nasus.

I mean I’ve gotta be honest like 75% of the reason I’m hyped for Rune Knight is to become a giant. But the runes are also very strong, giving the subclass some Battlemaster-esque gimmicks that have a bit more magical flavor than the other martials. I also really like that the subclass gets boosts to their skills, allowing you to help out of combat as a Fighter.

There isn’t much I can specifically praise about Rune Knight because the whole subclass is fantastic. It’s a very good mix of defense, offense, and utility both in and out of combat.

The Fathomless (Warlock)

Sheeyutu Nagakabouros. Nagakabouros-shee-shok.

Having played a Fathomless Warlock in UA I can safely say: it’s a good subclass. Having a consistent source of Bonus Action damage is nice, and being able to use it defensively is also great. Extra spells known as a Warlock is nice (and Evard’s Black Tentacles is a great spell!) And a teleport with a mile distance is rather crazy.

So much of the subclass is built around the tentacle which is great because the tentacle is such a great Bonus Action damage source. I really wish I had more to say but the power of this subclass starts and ends at how great having what amounts to an extra Eldritch Blast as a Bonus Action every turn is.

S TIER

College of Eloquence (Bard)

Yup. One of the best subclasses in this book was also in Theros. It helps that my favorite D&D character of all time was a College of Eloquence Bard.

This subclass got so much better since UA. Reliable Talent for Charisma checks at level 3 is fucking nuts! And on top of that Unsettling Words is a great way to soften enemies up for devastating spells. Universal Speech at 6th level pretty much singlehandedly enables the “peaceful” route with a lot of enemies, allowing you to talk your way out of problems.

But this bard is the king of inspiration! Unfailing Inspiration fixes the biggest problem with the Bard class, and Infectious Inspiration multiplies your Bardic Inspiration to a ridiculous degree. This Bard is just so reliably fantastic at Bard things, all while still being a full spellcaster that can make it harder for enemies to deal with spellcasters. It doesn’t get anything special from its subclass but you only got 3 features from your subclass as a Bard anyways. Baseline Bards are amazing and the insurance on your features from this subclass makes it all the better.

The Genie (Warlock)

If the fact that I stick Warlock levels into literally every build didn’t prove it I really like Warlocks, and Genie Warlock is easily the best Warlock subclass. Period. I actually have a post in the works where I go in-depth as to why Genie Warlock is so good. But in short:

Being able to choose between four subclass spell lists is crazy good. Like ridiculously good. A single level in this subclass gives you a Bag of Holding, a (single person) Leomund’s Tiny Hut, and a damage boost to all your attacks every turn!

6th level gives you damage resistance which is always good, but I seriously can not stress how ridiculous non-concentration Flight is for a Warlock. Your spell selection and spell slots are already so limited, and this subclass lets you get all the utility of flight pretty much whenever you please. Just think about how strong Aaracokra are and then consider that this is basically the Aaracokra’s only racial trait.

Sanctuary Vessel lets you upgrade your Leomund’s Tiny Hut power to affect the whole party. By this point you can indeed Long Rest in the lamp, and I need to stress how less suspicious a lone lamp is to a giant bubble of magical force. You could easily hide the lamp somewhere and (if the party is traveling light) be practically undetectable.

Oh and Limited Wish? So you know how the best feature of the Bard is their Magical Secrets? What if you got to choose (practically) any spell of 6th level or lower whenever you please? The only “problem” with Limited Wish is that you have to know every spell that you can pick from, but whenever “too much choice” is a problem in a game of infinite choices you know it’s a good feature.

Genie Warlocks do everything that Warlocks want to do so well. More damage on all your attacks to maximize the value of cantrip spamming, mobility to keep safe without spending spell slots, more high level spells, and giving the party a safe place to rest and recharge. I played a full Genie Warlock and absolutely loved it. I highly recommend this subclass to anyone who wants to play a Warlock. It’s just so versatile and useful I’m sure anyone can find a way to enjoy playing it.

#Tasha's Cauldron of Everything #ranking #tier list #dnd #dnd 5e

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