#He was a punk... she did dance..... /ref | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mysleepdeprivedass · 4 years

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Okay. It's like 4am and I need to share with you my AU over this fandom.

The post must be filled with misspelling or some sentence can make no sense buuuttt sorry I guess.

I'm not completely in the fandom but I freaking like the fancontent (I read a LOT of fancontent) sooo anyway. I saw this headcanon time to time so I put my idea in.

MIRACULOUS LADYBUG (honestly right now I have a fever for Ml fancon and fic sooo probably my next post will be ML content )

Honestly the headcanon risk to be kinda messed up and just a big less to read.

Anyway.

Rock/metal! Marinette (with a lil' bit of nerd!Adrien) AU

Sooo (I'm going with point and plus I just translate what I've written

• listening Jagged Stone (and she is a big fan)

• listen a lot a rock band, punk and metal band too.

• Like the old rock French band (like telephone - Which is a real French band if you want listen -)

• Under cut, that's she cut herself. Because she not going to paid 30€ for that and because she did that behind her parents back. She used to cut her mother and father hair (she like doing her family's hair -don't know it's the sentence lean something-)

• she have short hair cut (like at the base of the neck)

• Have few piercing (ear and some on her face (one rand of helix on her left ear, two conch and a industrial on her right ear, tragus on her right ear, stretch on each ear and 2nd earring on each ear. Septum and smiley, tongue and transversal labret.

• she's done almost all a piercing during her rebellious phase (in middle of her middle school) because dang she not going to paid 75€ for a hole on her ear (disclaimer : do not pierced yourself it's dangerous and must be do by a professional, I know that because I have personally some piercing and it's better to do it in a shop with someone you can trust)

•Nor is she oblivious about her piercing. She saw a LOT of video about piercing. She clean the space that's she wan going to pierced like a pro, an she use medical needless (that she buy in pharmacy - you can buy catheter on pharmacy-) She only go on shot for four of her piercing (her tongue, her lip, nose and mouth piercing)

• For a long time, her classmates thought that she pierced in a shop.

• They know the truth during a party at Juleka's place. They're was playing truth OU dare and Alya (who dream to get a piercing) Say that she would love to have a piercing (her parents said that will never happen under theire roof) Marinette tell her that she can pierced her because she have already pierced herself (begging in 6eme -I think it's the equivalent of the 6th grade-) Her first piercing was the helix's (all her classmates are kinda shook )

• oddly a week after the party, when Alya Returned from Marinette home she got home with two new helix on her right ear.

• la class décide de faire une soirée et Marinette percé tout le monde au moins un truc sur leur corps (elle part dans plusieurs pharmacie acheter des aiguilles et acheté sur un site qu'elle connais des prothèses de piercings et des truc pour clipé l'endroit a percé)

• she plays drums

• she like to brings her battery bench at school and she do some impro during break.

• She still love the color pink. One of her motto it's " Punk and rock need more pink" because dang because she love punk and rock doesn't mean she can't love pink.

• Her bedroom it's a weird but pleasant mixed of skull, pink skull, and random things associated with rock/punk style with pink

• like in her bedroom, you can see some studded and chains object and just Beside and little stuff pink kitten teddy and sit beside the kitten she have A goat with static crosses teddy (also pink )

• She have some satanic cercle and gems in her room (she kinda interested with Wicca stuff even she's not doing it everyday)

• she like cute and pink stuff

• her terrace/balcony have a mini-garden with roses, dahlia and a lot of succulents.

• Slay cat eye-liner and eyeshadow pencil.

• She ended by dye her hair, first she got a lock of hair pink and she just got a split hair black and pink (she's dyeing her hakr by herself, when she met Luka, Luka help her)

-To be honest now, it's like 5am and I never thought that translate some shitty idea take so long xD need to take a break. Now it's midday Soo let's go continued-

• When her class know she can do hair, she became theire unofficial hairdresser ( everyone paid her event if in the beginning she refused to be paid. Everyone try to snuk in their money in her stuff in the weirdest way possible) and when she opened deisgn commission she do some on their clothes.

*Scene *

- Alix what are doing IN my locker ?"

- I want to see the inside. Lovely locker, where I haven't been absolutely stuck for 30 mi.

- Just get out and get your butt out of my backpack.

• Her parents a 100% supportive over her chose. But sometimes they said no for some of stuff she want to do.

*Scene*

-No Marinette , believe me that's you're going to regret to do a hawk.

- Come one mom !

- * sigh* Imma going to hide your father's hair clippers and scissors. Believe me it's for your own good.

- No Marinette you are not going to shave your eyebrows !

- But Mom !

- No "But Mom,"! I take away your scissors and shaver

- You will make yourself a split tongue when you no longer live under this roof. Out of the question that I see a tongue split in half under this roof !

- No Marinette you're not too "cool" and to "rock'n'roll" for not eating your carrots. Now get your butt here and finish your vegetables.

- *sad Minecraft villager sound *

• People think that Marinette is some cold deadpan mean bitch before Alya come in her class. Alya had always know people like that (who look cold but are more afraid and shy to talk to people and just look scary ) Alya is the first friend (really friend) of Marinette because she don't give a shit about her look. When the two begging to be friends, the class notice that Marinette it's not mean like that though she is. And the class begging to talk to Marinette and be friend with her.

• She become deputies of her class because she's done with Chloe's bullshit and everyone accepted rapidly to have her like class president. Everyone is kinda shook about organization et Benevolent's Marinette can be. After that everyone really like Marinette and she like the mom friends of everyone but everyone know that she can always be scary especially if she angry and someone pissed her off more.

• Her class know about her deisgn hobit and dream during de hats conteste and that's she made almost all her clothes.

• When she hang out with friends concerts (people she met at some rock concert ) they decided to have a tattoo. Marinette have a Ladybug under her right foot. Alya is the first to know because during a sleepover, Marinette forget to hide it. Her parents are the seconds to know (same mistake she forgets to hide it with socks). Adrien know while being Chat Noir (he was hang out at her balcony and she was laying on the floor and he see it )

• inverse Crush au. Adrien fell in love to Marinette because she's the first to see who he is and don't try to put him on a pedestal and Adrien can see that's she is very different that her look can send like personality. Marinette love Chat Noir because he is her very first friend that she thrust completely regardless of her look. (Because even in the beginning she still suspicious about Alya)

• When she is Ladybug almost all of her peircings disappeared (her nose ring, stretch, helix's and her miraculous stay)

• she were her miraculous on her second ear lobe holes

• Tikki listening rock and punk music (honestly I want to see Tikki dancing with eavy hard metal in the room)

•Even she know she can't do that. she brings abandoned animals at home. She clean them and feed them in her rope before take them to a refugee or a veterinary. She let for the first time Jagged Stone because she found Fang hidden in a alley. She noticed that he have a collar so she bring him up to a veterinary where she have the habit to go. The collard have the information for contacted Jagged. Fang letting Marinette take him because she have the same smell that Jagged, some metal and vegetal leather.

• Marinette help Adrien to scare his fan. All of them just run away from Marinette. She become unofficially his bodyguard in school.

•She know how to defend herself and scare people because she go to a lot of underground concert and it's not always nice.

• She swear like a sailor. Not in front of her parents. She swear a lot when she frustrated or angry. And know Hawkmoth know that he is forbidden to send a Akuma past 2.30am, because the last Akuma have to deal with a really really angry ladybug (that was the first night since a very long week of sleep deprived and anxiety and a lot of work plus she was on her period which hurt like hell so she was pissed) No one speak about this day. Because the Akuma was running away from her

• Marinette smoke a little bit (most of the time during concerts when she hang out with older people and in rare occasion when she really really freaking out and her anxiety is very high)

• Woke up with eavy metal and hard rock. Tikki just well, have to take the habit

• Adrien is a big dork and nerd. Wear glasses and more "nerd" clothes during school, He is just a big weeb, and do 24h/7d anime and manga ref, Marinette laugh a lot about it +except pun she don't like them)

• Marinette save his phone number with nickname " cutie weebo"

• Adrien save her phone number with nickname "Iron princess"

• Discord group t'chat with Nino, Alya, Mari and Adrien. Name of the group : Rejects of the society Aka. DjDiscount (Nino), Almost-A-Reporter (Alya), Pinkipie-turn-to-emo (Marinette), KingOfTheWeebWorld (Adrien )

• Discord group t'chat for the class (because during my idea have this fever about texting fanfiction so why not, I always read texting fanfiction btw)

Marinette : Prez'AndPunk.

(given by Adrien)

Adrien : Usui Takumi (Weeb).

(Give by himself, everyone know the ref at Kaichouwa maid-sama, excepted Marinette who don't watch anime le read manga. and nobody explain to Marinette the link between their usernames)

Alya : Laydbloger

(By herself )

Nino : SmookWeedNotEveryday

(Giving by Marinette, who saw him hang out with smoker pal and she saw him smoke one, she know the people with who he was.)

Mylène : ImNotAMonster

(Giving by herself)

Ivan : TeddyBear

(By Mylène )

Alix : AlixDontPlayDespacito

(By herself, because Kim just do a full straight week with the same lame joke with Alexa play despacito but put Alix, at the first Alix going for AlixDontPlayDespacitoYou'reShithead but she changed it )

Kim : ICanDoAllBet

(by himself)

Max : Smartass

(By himself, kinda help by Kim, Alix and Marinette, during a all night up when Max and Marinette help Kim and Alix for school homework)

Nathanaël : TryToFoundSomeStreetCreedArtist

( inside joke between Marinette, Alix, Nathanaël and Marc)

Chloé : MyFatherWillKnowAboutThat

(Given by Adrien, Alya, Nino and Marinette after they have do a Harry Potter marathon. Because of the Look like between Chloe and Draco. It's Adrien, who change her username)

Sabrina : NotAWitchYet

(Inside joke between Chloe and her. Given by herself)

Rose : ILiveForMyOTP

(Given by herself, after a discussion between Juleka, Luka and her when she hang out at Juleka's home )

Juleka : IDrinkDarkCoffeeLikeMySoul

(Given by Luka, who stole her phone, inside joke between the two and for some revenge)

• Marinette hide her shyness with her "cold" style. But when she became friend with her classmates she more confortable and became very protective around them, a dont' hesitates to become physically violent. (Happen most of the time with, Alix (because she don't know when to stop before begging a fight) Rose Juleka and Nathanael (who are most of the time bully) and Adrien (she save him from his fan and stupid fuck boy ))

• After she became president of her class. The other class rep and professor don't like her (because of her look) and Marinette disregard all of them because on had they handle Chloe's bullshit. When class rep's and professor see that she competent and do a great shot they tolerate her and begging to appreciate her.

• She hang out with bullied people, she protected them (scaring their bully)

• she still a cinnamon rolls, especially with Tikki, Tikki is also the first to know that Marinette have anxiety. honestly she just a cinnamon rolls with her closest friends and family.

• Sty all night speaking with Tikki about ancient holder while they listen music.

• Sassy, like so much sass from her that it should illegal, when she's Ladybug she gives security and leadership vibe, people juste like her. And no one is afraid of her (Conversely when she is "Marinette")

•Sass a lit Hawkmoth about he fashion style about his Akuma. And during latest Akuma she just swear a lot again him. Because Hawkmotherfucker I need to sleep. And my coffee privileged just go revoked.

• She love hang out with Chat Noir. She try to flirt with him (when she's Ladybug) but he is so oblivious that he never understand and just friendzoned her very hard. (And because I'm a sucker for oblivious Adrien and Marinette)

• She fight some bullies (because fuck it I went a scene after she fight for Adrien and he heal her)

•Also kinda buff! Marinette ?

• She have anxiety and can have Anxiety attack (she can control them sometime ) She hide her anxiety very young. Because little she was shy and have anxiety and wearing and listen rock and punk music help her for be more protected like a shield against everything around her.

• Marinette is vegetarian (because why not) since primary school. And most of a leather clothes she make are vegetal leather or false leather.

•And she love wearing leather, like combat boots, jacket and pants.

Sooo it's took a day to finish to translate everything but Voilà. If you want pick some of the idea feel free to do it just tag me please. You also can reblog and feel free so add more.

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shera-dnd · 5 years

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Ethermania

Listen up, punks, you have heard of modern AUs, coffee shop AUs, D&D AUs, but today you’re gonna meet the biggest and meanest AU of all: WRESTLING AU!

You thought that wedding fic was long? Then get ready for 23k words of pure ass kicking!

Brought to you by the greatest tag team of all times: This blog’s admin and our very own buff anon!

So buckle up, because this is gonna be a wild ride!

“Welcome welcome, ladies, gentlemen and all the inbetweens. Tonight will be a night to remember, for tonight is the night of Ethermania! My name is Sea Hawk and joining me at the announcer’s table tonight is my amazing co-host, Entrapta.” Sea Hawk dropped down from atop the announcer’s table and sat down next to Entrapta, who was jumping in her seat.

“Thank you, Sea Hawk. Tonight we’ll have the most amazing matches between the greatest fighters from all over Etheria. Members of the Horde and Rebellion alike meeting in epic confrontation, to cap it all off we will have the final no holds barred match between the chosen champions from each side and the winner will receive the coveted title of ‘Defender of Greyskull’” Entrapta grabbed Sea Hawk’s suit and started shaking him “I’m so excited!”

Sea Hawk did his best to continue talking as he was being shook by his co-host “And who are these champions? you might ask. Well, you’ll have to watch and find out.”

Entrapta calmed down a little and cleared her throat “Ah yes, our opening match will be between two Horde wrestlers, fighting for the right to become the Horde champion”

“That is right, the Horde champion will have to be in two matches in the same night. Well, I don’t know what crazy tricks Hordak has in store for us tonight, but he sure must put some faith in his staff” Sea Hawk quickly glances over his papers “And how do you feel about his choice of contestants?”

“Felina and Shadow Weaver” Entrapta cringed a little as the words left her mouth “It won’t be a pretty match. Those two have a lot of baggage to work through and I have a feeling they are gonna do it the most violent way possible”

“And with She-ra away from the Horde it is almost like those two changed personalities in these last few months. Shadow Weaver has been going savage in the ring, especially when her former pupil was involved”

~~~

Of course they would find a way of making this about Adora. Everything has to be about Adora. It didn’t matter, she had her own plans for tonight and she couldn’t afford to lose her temper with something so stupid.

She wandered around backstage, looking for her next adversary and, knowing Shadow Weaver, she would be looking for her too. The pre-show had barely started when she stumbled across her target “Ready to get what you have coming to you, Weaver?”

Even with her mask on Felina could still imagine the scowl on her face that brought her so much joy “You!” Was all she said at first, but it was loud enough to start attracting attention. Good. “Do you think you’re being intimidating? That you can scare me? You’ll be the one being put in their place tonight.”

Felina just smirked as she saw a cameraman coming their way “Put in my place? That’s cute coming from the woman who shouldn’t even be in the ring in the first place. Attacking her own team. You even make me look good!”

“I will not stand here and listen to a stupid little girl blame her own incompetence on me. You’ll be defeated tonight, I’ll be Horde champion and you will cease with these foolish accusations” Oh, Shadow Weaver was pissed. That was way too perfect.

“Fine then,” Felina shrugged “since you’re so sure you’re gonna win. How about we raise the stakes a little? Let’s make this a Mask vs Mask.” Felina noticed Weaver hesitating for a second. If she failed here she would suffer the ultimate humiliation. Felina gave a quick nod towards the cameraman behind her and she knew she had made her point. She would have to accept her terms or admit to the live audience she didn’t know if she could beat Felina.

The grunt of frustration from her was so satisfying to hear. “So be it. I have nothing to fear from you.” Oh, but she had, and Felina would be more than happy to remind her of that.

~~~

“Entering the ring now for our opening match...fighting both for the right to become Horde champion and to maintain her honor as a wrestler, we have Shadow Weaver” As soon as Sea Hawk finished his announcement the lights around the arena began to slowly dim and the crowd quieted down. The sound of roaring cheers replaced by sinister chanting.

In one moment the only lights in the arena were that of the crowd’s cell phone screens, in the next a beacon of red light emerged from the ground and in the middle of it stood a dark figure. Covered by a cloak and surrounded by fog, the figure slowly made her way down to the ring as the chanting grew louder and the red beacon followed her.

Her entrance to the ring was deliberate and calculated. She was fearsome in everything she did and no one dared boo her. When she reached the precise center she shed her dark cloak with a single movement and, with perfect synchronization, the lights returned to the arena, but instead of the cheer and applause she expected all she heard were gasps of surprise.

Felina was already behind her, waiting for her in the ring. Not only had she stolen Shadow Weaver’s entrance, she had made her message very clear ‘I could have beat you there and you wouldn’t even notice’. Words failed to describe her indignation, all she could do was wait for the ref to officially start the match and then show this foolish girl the mistake she had made.

Felina was grinning at her as they waited for the ref to start the match. Oh she would wipe that self satisfied smile from her face. No, she had far more important things to wipe from the girl’s face.

At first it had all gone according to plan. Felina’s first attack was pushed back with a kick and when she insisted in trying it again she was stop by a knee to the face. Another kick to the back of her knee and Felina was already on her knees. Shadow Weaver could barely contain her laughter as she kicked Felina again and again as she tried to get up and until the ref pushed them apart she had no plans on stopping, but Felina did not need the ref to stop her.

Felina grabbed Shadow Weaver’s foot and twisted herself around, forcing her opponent to the ground. Before Weaver could get up she rolled forward and finished the movement with her knee - the same knee Weaver had kicked - firmly placed against her foe’s neck. Without getting up she posed a little to the crowd so she could humiliate Weaver just a little more. She even caught a glimpse of someone in the front row with a sign saying “Felina can climb MY top rope!” Good to know there were still wrestling fans with good taste.

When she finally got up and allowed Shadow Weaver to move again, she saw that her foe was trying to be quick and brutal. She attempted to rush Felina down, put her on the ground and pummel her with abandon again, but Felina was expecting this. She dodged under the first attack with a split, then vaulted over Shadow Weaver to avoid the second and soon she was dancing around her opponent, laughing at her failure.

Shadow Weaver had grown distracted in her rage and as she turned to strike her foe again she was met by a foot solidly planted against her chin, and as she hit the ground she was vaguely aware of Sea Hawk shouting “Felina with that Chin-tah’s Paw”.

Shadow Weaver had beat her up again and again trying to break her, to get her to quit, but what she had called torture Felina had called training, and now she was showing how much stronger that training had made her. She was the strongest fighter in the Horde and she did not need Weaver or Adora anymore.

From that moment on there was no question on who would win, there was only one option and when the match finally ended Shadow Weaver waited patiently on her knees. She was an awful human being, but even she knew what she had to do and she would do so with dignity. Perhaps that was some part of her Light Spinner persona still showing. When the camera focused on her face she slowly removed her mask and made her way out of the ring.

~~~

Felina did not see Shadow Weaver backstage again, but she didn’t care about her anymore, she got what she wanted. “Hey, boss, guess who just got themselves a new champion?” she announced entering Hordak’s office.

“Good,” Hordak allowed the word to hang as if tasting the satisfaction it carried “you have once again proven more than capable of destroying whoever the Rebellion choses as their champion.”

The man knew how to give an ego boost, Felina had to admit that, but she still had a question in mind. “Now care to explain why you booked this for the same night I would have to fight their Champion? Couldn't we have done that before just to guarantee the victory?” She knew she would still win, but she would have prefered a day or two to rest before her big match.

Hordak laughed a self satisfied laughter “It is all very simple. The Rebellion is too honorable for their own good. Whoever they send will also have fought tonight, after all that is the fair thing to do. So I have instructed your colleagues to leave victory as a secondary objective tonight. Their main goal will be to hurt and maim their enemies, so no one will be fit to stop us!”

~~~

Adora had arrived late for the event, everyone told her to rest at home until she was healed, but she couldn’t just sit and watch the massacre playing out on her screen. The Horde had lost 3 consecutive matches, but never without wounding their opponents in some way. Even if she couldn’t fight today she had to be there to help them, to give them some support. When she finally arrived at the First One’s Arena it was just in time to catch her best friends and new tag team making their way to their big match.

She was waiting at ring side when the lights began to dim. One after another black light spotlights turned on, revealing the letters B F S written on the ground and when the final spotlight shone two silhouettes came into focus. Glimmer and Bow posing dramatically, their black light clothes glowing in their classic purple and white, with Bow’s heart and Glimmer’s hair brighter than anything else. They jumped and flipped and danced their way to the ring as their fans shook glow sticks to the rhythm of their theme song. A trampoline waited for them at ring side and they entered the ring with one more flip and one final pose.

They had huge smiles on their faces when the lights turned back on. Adora loved those two dorks so much. Already in the ring were Scorpia and Kyle. Adora had to admit that she felt bad for missing their entrance, she didn’t want her former colleagues to think she didn’t care about them and, as if summoned by Adora’s stray thoughts, she heard one of said colleagues calling her “Hey, Adora, here to watch your friends get crushed?”

“Felina.” Adora answered, “Shouldn’t you be resting before your big match?” Adora was legitimately worried about her former tag team partner, but of course that was not how she saw things. Felina could only see this as Adora looking down on her, so she answered the only way she could.

“Shouldn’t you be in a hospital bed? Like the one I put you in.” Aggression was Felina’s favorite way of expressing her feelings, something that lent itself well to her wrestling career, but that meant interacting with her could be very tiresome. Thankfully they were both distracted by Kyle being tossed against the ropes next to them.

Apparently Glimmer had been spending the last couple of minutes handing his ass to him and before Scorpia could tag in, Glimmer jumped between the middle and top ropes, grabbing them for support and using the force of her jump to spin around and hit Kyle on the back with both her feet.

“Seriously, Kyle?” they both said together and laughed. They could not believe that the first time they laughed together in months was because of Kyle, but while Adora had shown that disbelief through more laughter, Felina did so through anger. She was supposed to make Adora feel miserable, not make jokes with her. It didn’t matter how good she looked in her casual clothes or how beautiful and earnest her smiled seemed. No, she had a mission here and she was going to complete it.

“And what do you think you’re doing here?” That’s it, angrier. “Do you think you’re gonna just get your injured ass into the ring and magically save the day?”

Adora sighed loudly “No, I’m here to give moral support. Something that you used to do too, before you got so obsessed with revenge.”

“Well, excuse me if I don’t take well to being betrayed and left behind!” At this point they were shouting, and were it not for the match going on right next to them the cameras would probably all be aimed right at them.

“Hey, hey Felina, look at what I can do!” Scorpia called from the ring while holding Bow upside down. She lifted him up and proceeded to do squats while holding him in place.“ Hey Felina, isn’t this cool?”

Bow struggled to talk, with all the blood flowing to his head and his lungs being crushed by Scorpia’s powerful arms “I don’t think she is paying attention...”

“Oh, she does that sometimes,” She said as she lowered him again. “I’m gonna pile drive you now.” That was all the warning Bow got before his head was driven straight into the ring. His struggle went completely unnoticed by his ringside friend as she was still focused in her argument.

“Do you really think I wanted to leave you?” Adora’s voice was quieter now, almost too quiet to be heard over the crowd “I cared for you, I still do.” and for a moment there Felina believed, she wanted to believe that, that she could have her Adora back, but as her eyes darted away trying so hard to avoid Adora’s gaze, she caught a glimpse of that sign from before, but it was being flipped around and now it said ‘Suplex me She-ra!!!’.

“No!” She pushed Adora away “You just want me so you can feel better, so you can always be the best, but I’m done playing second fiddle to you!” And with that she made her way backstage, leaving Adora by herself. Questioning what to do now.

“Are you seeing this?” Entrapta’s shouts snapped Adora back to reality. In the ring Glimmer was standing on the middle rope, using the top rope for support, while Bow pulled her back “It’s the Sparkling Arrow!” When Bow released the rope Glimmer went flying right into Scorpia’s chest, knocking her to the ground. They were announced victorious soon after.

~~~

“Absolutely not!” Angella announced firmly.

“But mom,” Glimmer tried arguing back, but one look from her mother was enough to shut her down.

“She-ra will not be our champion for the final match. She should be resting at home and not risking herself here!” Her tone made it all sound very final.

“Please, you have to understand. This may be the last chance Felina has.” Adora begged.

“She is a Horde wrestler. Are you seriously asking me to put our chance at the title at risk for the sake of the enemy?”

“Yes!” Adora shouted this time “I used to wrestle for the Horde too and haven’t I changed for the better? Why can’t she do the same?”

Angella shook her head “That girl wants nothing to do with redemption. What makes you think you can just walk in there and save her soul?”

Adora stood tall again and spoke with certainty “I cannot save her. The only one that can do that is her, but she can’t do that unless we give her that chance, a chance to prove that she doesn’t need to live in my shadow anymore.”

Angella sighed.

~~~

Felina was fidgeting in place, the room she was waiting in was dark and the only company she had was a member of staff responsible for giving her the go ahead signal. This was gonna be her big match as champion of the Horde and she couldn’t afford to mess this up. No, she shouldn’t be thinking like that, she would not mess this up and she knew that.

She adjusted her lion fur cape one last time - the fur was fake, she was a heel not a monster - and lowered herself, preparing for a running jump. The staff member next to her started counting down on their hand. When the count reached zero she ran.

Outside a loud roar boomed through the speakers as she jumped into view. Ripping apart a thin paper wall on her way out. Her music was loud and angry, just the way she liked it and by the sound of the crowd her fans loved it too. As she made her way to the ring she jumped and clawed at the people near her path, she was scary and those people loved scary.

When she reached the ring she stood outside the ropes, posing one last time for the camera, before backflipping into the ring itself, leaving her cape behind. Her fans might have cheered, but everyone else was booing her now and she looked down at them with smug superiority. Poor bastards, can’t accept that their favorites are all about to lose. No matter who they send out she will just crush them. She casually leaned against the ropes and waited for her challenger to appear.

“For the Honor of Greyskull!” The way too familiar voice echoed through the arena, the sound nearly deafened by the roars of the crowd.

“What!?” Felina exclaimed. She shouldn’t be here, she shouldn’t be able to fight, but here she was and Felina was left stunned, watching her entrance unfold before her.

A show of colors seemed to flow towards a single point and from the bright white light it formed emerged Adora, or rather She-ra. Her body covered in armor and her sword held aloft, she smiled and waved to the crowd before pointing her sword towards the ring. That same show of colors began again, but this time it formed a rainbow bridged between the two of them. God, Felina hated that entrance.

After waving and high-fiving for a disgustingly long time She-ra finally got to the stage and began to take off all her armor pieces. This was a no holds barred match, but of course She-ra was too good to take her props into the ring itself. Now came the part Felina hated the most, She-ra took off her cape and tossed it into the crowd. Felina was willing to bet that after tonight that thing would be on sale on ebay for a stupid amount of cash. She was very motivated to reduce the value of that cape now.

As soon as they had both entered the ring all screens immediately changed to show Light Hope in her office “Champions of the Horde and Rebellion, you have proven to be the strongest amongst your people and now you’ll have your chance to prove who is truly the strongest of them all. Strong enough to bear the ultimate title: The Defender of Greyskull” the screen changed again, this time to the image of a large belt, adorned by a silver skull with two large fangs sticking out, around it in the language of the First Ones were written the words ‘Defender of Greyskull’.

Light Hope herself signaled the start of the match and that was not a pretty start. Felina was much more aggressive than she ever was before, she knew that Adora had grown much stronger in her time as She-ra and even wounded she would have to give her all to take her down.

With kicks and punches she tried to wear She-ra down, to keep her on the defensive, but that wasn’t working. Why did she wait to get this strong only after betraying Felina? Fine, if hitting her wasn’t doing the job then she would just have to leverage her weight. She jumped, trying to lock her legs around She-ra’s head so she could toss her around again, but this time she was waiting.

She grabbed Felina before she could get a firm hold and tossed her to the ground with force. Felina barely had any time to recover her breath when She-ra came crashing down against her elbow-first. She-ra tried to pin her down right there, but a quick elbow to the nose was enough to dissuade her.

Felina lost no time and quickly used the ropes for impulse on a good dropkick to the chest. She-ra was thrown off balance and Felina rushed in to capitalize on that, but she let her guard down. She-ra grabbed her arm and spun her around. Next thing she knew she was locked in a bear hug from behind and that could only mean one thing.

No matter how many times it happens to you, you never get quite used to the feeling of getting suplexed. She could vaguely hear Entrapta going on about the details of the ‘Eternia Suplex’ and how it was passed down by generations of She-ras, but that didn’t matter right now. What mattered was taking down this She-ra.

This time she held back, her style was more defensive anyway. She hated to admit, but she knew the only reason she was being so aggressive was because Adora was messing with her feelings and she knew she couldn’t win if she continued to allow that to happen.

This time she allowed She-ra to come at her and began to have her fun. She-ra may be the strongest, but she was too slow and too stupid to actually get a hit on Felina. Time after time she dodged everything that came her way and soon her wounded former-partner was panting and gasping for air. Now she just had to make use of it.

Felina positioned herself just right and started goading She-ra on. She ran at her in wild fury and once again Felina vaulted over her, but this time She-ra had no time or energy to stop herself and Felina was positioned perfectly to have her run straight into the turnbuckle.

She-ra tried to get up, but Felina slammed her head down and slumped back against the turnbuckle. Felina walked around the ring, looking for something to play with and she was so happy to find out that She-ra was stupid enough to just leave her sword laying around next to the ring. Sure, that thing was closer to a bat than to a real sword, but that was just perfect for what she wanted.

She was cackling when she hit She-ra’s back for the first time. This would be her revenge...for leaving her alone, for making her feel weak, for stealing the one person she cared about. She-ra would pay. She hit her again and again and for every hit she listed another thing she had done to her. This was her victory, her ultimate victory. But then, why wasn’t she feeling any better? Why did this hurt so much?

She-ra had to pay, she told herself. For everything she had done to her. or stealing her Adora. But she couldn’t do this anymore. She dropped the sword and stumbled back. There were no cheers or boos from the crowd, only stunned silence as they watched She-ra slowly rising up again and dragging herself towards Felina. She-ra stumbled, falling to her knees in front of Felina and she couldn’t stop herself from lending her a hand.

For a moment there it felt just like the old times, like Felina was tagging in to help Adora finish someone off, and they just stood there, looking at each other while holding hands, it would be almost romantic if they weren’t so bloody from beating each other up. Unfortunately She-ra had to put an end to this.

Felina was pulled close and slammed back first into the ring by a clothesline. This time she didn’t know if she could get back up, but she didn’t have to worry about that, for She-ra collapsed next to her immediately after.

“I’m sorry,” She-ra said, without moving from her spot, but this time Felina knew it wasn’t She-ra, it was just Adora. “I know it must have hurt to be left alone all this time.” Felina couldn’t help but laugh.

“Couldn’t you have said that before beating me up? Actually nevermind, I wouldn’t have listened.” She sighed “I guess I’m sorry too. I was just so angry and….look can we have this conversation later? I feel like the crowd doesn’t wanna watch our therapy session.”

“Yeah,” Adora laughed, getting up. “I guess that wouldn’t make a good show.” Adora helped Felina up and they both took their time getting ready, but before they could restart the match they were interrupted by a ground shaking bass.

“Oh crap...” Felina knew there was only one person who would start their entrance like a damn movie trailer. She looked up to see the Horde logo taking over every screen and soon several Horde soldiers were marching down towards the ring escorting a very large man, with a very long cape.

Hordak walked with a casual pace, like he had all the time the world and nothing to ever worry about, his soldiers on the other hand rushed around him making sure everything was in order. They placed stairs in his path to the ring, handed the ref some weird paper and removed his cape before he got in.

The ref started talking to the soldier who handed them the paper and started signaling something to the announcer’s table “It appears Hordak is cashing in a contract with Light Hope and choosing himself as a second champion for the Horde!” Entrapta announced, as confused as everyone else in the arena.

“It looks like this just turned into a handicap match.” Sea Hawk pondered “But who really is at a disadvantage here?” Was Sea Hawk seriously implying that Felina was going to betray her boss? No way she would do something that dumb.

The ref restarted the match and Hordak got to work with impressive efficiency. He delivered a quick punch to She-ra’s - already very wounded - nose; the pain taking down her defences as he took the opportunity to toss her over his shoulders, hooking his arms around her and then pulling down. The sounds of agony she made as she was subjected to Hordak’s personal Hero Breaker was enough to convince Felina that she was about to do something very dumb.

She jumpkicked him in the chest, throwing him off balance and forcing him to drop She-ra. When he got up again he simply stared her down and stated “I expected better of you, I will not make the same mistake again.” At least now Felina wasn’t lacking any more motivation to kick his ass.

She-ra had yet to get up, her body didn’t seem to have any more strength, and though she could still hear the sounds of Felina struggling against Hordak, she simply couldn’t move. She heard a loud thud and managed to look up just a bit. Felina had been thrown around like a ragdoll and landed right in front of her. She couldn’t allow this to continue. She had to do something. Mustering all her strength she got up on her knees, she looked Felina in the eyes and gave her a reassuring nod. She knew what to do.

Felina jumped up and ran towards She-ra, jumped on her shoulders and then lept once again, front flipping right onto Hordak. Before he could get up again she ran back to She-ra and started pulling her up “Come on, that brick house ain’t gonna stay down for long.”

She-ra was going to remark on how odd it was to see be working with Felina again, but she had more important things to handle. She pushed her partner aside and prepared for impact. Hordak was trying to run them both down and she would not let that happen. Lowering her body she grabbed him by the waist, right as they slammed together. She was about to toss him over, but he simply grabbed her as well and lifted her above his head.

She had accepted that this was gonna be the end for her, when she was saved in a way she simply didn’t expect, by having a cape hooked around. Felina pulled on Hordak’s cape in the opposite direction that he was about to throw her and now both She-ra and Hordak were falling again.

Unfortunately Hordak had yet to tire himself out and got up very quickly. He gave his cape a quick pull, forcing Felina close to him so he could toss her aside with a backhand. Now She-ra was pissed. She grappled with him again, forcing him down and slamming both her fists against his back. She grabbed him, successfully this time, and began to lift him, her knees faltering for a second. He was struggling and she stumbled around trying to hold him, she brought him closer to the ropes and started lifting him again, this time above her shoulders. “Felina, now!”

Felina didn’t have to hear that twice, she took a running start and jump kicked her boss for the second time that night. She-ra let go of him just as she made contact and he was sent flying right over the top rope and by that cracking sound, right through the announcer’s table.

“Ouch, that was a rough landing.” Entrapta said, holding her mic and standing a good 5ft away from the possibly unconscious Hordak. The ref climbed out of the ring and went to check on him. “Well, it looks like Hordak will be needing some medical care, because he is out! No really, guys, we should get a doctor here”

She-ra struggled to get up again and she could see Felina wasn’t doing any better, but they had somehow done it, Hordak had been defeated. They couldn’t help but laugh again at the absurdity of it all, but the ref had to remind them that the night wasn’t over, Felina and She-ra still had a match to finish.

“Felina, I want you to know that you deserve this victory more than anyone else, without you I wouldn’t-” Felina held out her hand to silence She-ra, her eye roll was almost audible.

“Just pin me, you dumbass. I don’t want Hordak to lose the match and still get what he wanted.” Felina said dropping to the ground.

“You know you could just forfeit, right?” Was this somehow another trick?

“Yeah, but I still want you to pin me.” There was something else in her voice this time that made She-ra go red, Felina just laughed at her reaction “God, you’re so dumb sometimes. Fine, I forfeit!”

The crowd was extremely confused by what just happened, but still cheered when She-ra was handed the belt. Felina was standing right besides her, slowly clapping and shaking her head. “Are you sure you’re ok with losing the title?” She-ra asked one more time.

“Would I let you win if I wasn’t? Besides, I won something even better.” She pulled She-ra in for a quick kiss “Yup, definitely better.”

#spop #shera #catradora #wrestling #ethermania

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closetofanxiety · 6 years

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Nitromare: My God, We’re Really Doing This

Joe has returned to the Land of the Rising Sun, but Mark and I for some reason are committed to watching every Nitro of the Vince Russo Era, when WCW went beyond the point of no return in the battle against the WWF. Tonight we’re on the second week of the first Russo reign: October 25, 1999, from Phoenix, Arizona. Let’s soak up the horror!

We open with Sting, in street clothes, coming out to the ring to demand the presence of JJ Dillon, the kayfabe commissioner. Sting lost to Goldberg last night at Halloween Havoc, but says that match wasn’t for the title, and so Goldberg should not be the champ. Dillon says there’s going to be a tournament to determine the champ, so Sting beats up Dillon. Goldberg runs out to make the save, and in the scrum, Sting’s t-shirt remains impressively tucked into his jeans. Why are they trying to make Sting into a whiny, shitty bad guy? The most natural babyface in the company since Ricky Steamboat. People want to cheer for Sting.

The first match of the tournament is Norman Smiley vs. Bam Bam Bigelow. It’s over in about five minutes, with Norman winning. I think it was a hardcore match?

Now the Filthy Animals come out to show video footage of them taking Ric Flair out into a desert at night and dumping water on him. I’m not sure why you’d film yourself committing a crime, but the 1990s were a different time. You know who Billy Kidman looks like? The singer for Missing Foundation. It’s uncanny. There’s footage on YouTube of that guy, Peter Missing, setting himself on fire at a show in Boston.

Rey Misterio says the Filthy Animals are going to “hump” Harlem Heat “like the dogs we are.” OK? Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn are apparently outraged, perhaps on behalf of dogs, and they run out and start beating on the Animals with lead pipes. Shane Douglas and Asya come out and kidnap Torrie Wilson.

Now we’re backstage with Mike Tenay and Curt Hennig. Is there any American wrestler whose career was more a story of thwarted promise than Mr. Perfect? He was so good at everything, but never really got the breakthrough, either because of injuries or working for the wrong company at the wrong time, or both.

Kevin Nash and Scott Hall are hanging around backstage. Somewhat grimly considering what we know now, they’re drinking beer from a cooler.

The next match in the championship tournament is Hennig versus Lash Laroux, a truly forgotten figure from the WCW era. His gimmick was that he was a Cajun. That was pretty much it, mes amis. While the match is going on, Disco Inferno comes out to do commentary with Tony Schiavone and The Brain. For some reason. Hennig gets DQ’d for hitting Laroux with a chair. Disco Inferno comes in to help Laroux, and gets beat up with the chair. The match lasts maybe three minutes.

We’re back in the ring after a commercial break with Kim Page and Mean Gene talking about the Nitro Girl competition. This was a contest to find a new Nitro Girl that I think Stacy Keibler eventually won. We meet two more finalists, both local, and watch footage of them dancing as Disco Inferno looks on. Was he the judge? His whole gimmick was that he was a bad dancer.

The Nitro Girls thing is interrupted by DOUBLE J himself, Jeff Jarrett, recently arrived from the WWF. He immediately says the championship tournament is “a big work,” which I’m sure sounded like a good idea if you were on cocaine. Jarrett is still wrestling today; he’s currently a titleholder in AAA. He’s had one of the most remarkable careers of any American wrestler, yet I’ve never really enjoyed him.

Another match in the It’s A Big Work Tournament. Perry Saturn vs. Eddie Guerrero, which in theory should be a great match. So far each match in this tournament has featured one wrestler who is no longer alive. There are empty seats on the hard camera side; Mark notes that the revamped WCW logo reminds him of the final flag of a soon-to-be-vanquished country.

The match is not great. A few decent spots, but then David Flair runs in and hits Eddie Guerrero with a lead pipe, allowing Saturn to get the win via the Rings of Saturn. It last six minutes.

We’re backstage, and the Revolution have Torrie Wilson imprisoned in a backstage area. “This is a great hiding place; they’ll never find us!” exults Shane Douglas, in front of a camera crew. Chris Benoit arrives and locks most of the Revolution inside a caged area, allowing him to beat on Dean Malenko. Everyone is wearing what would today be classified as Mom Jeans. Wasn’t Benoit part of the Revolution? Eventually he’d jump to the WWF along with Saturn, Malenko, and Guerrero, as the Radicalz. You could tell they were extreme, because they scorned the letter ‘S.’

Hall and Nash walk out, wearing street clothes. “It seems these new bosses we got from up North can’t have a wrestling show without the Outsiders,” Hall says, in a reference to Russo and Ferrara that 99 percent of the audience wouldn’t understand. Nash is wearing a FUBU jersey. His meandering promo is interrupted by Goldberg, who is standing in the crowd, wearing his gear and holding a microphone. As one does. “You’re both next!” Goldberg says. Technically, they can’t BOTH be next, Bill.

Macho Man and Gorgeous George come out. I don’t know why her wrestling name was Gorgeous George, but she wasn’t the worst person to wear the mantle created by George Wagner. There were so many terrible Gorgeous Georges. Even in the twilight of his career, Savage is still a compelling, charismatic performer. “Don’t hunt what ya can’t kill, cuz ya can’t kill The Madness!” he cautions, adding “I ain’t no punk bitch!” He takes some shots at Hogan and Flair. Gorgeous George is chewing gum and looking a bit lost. “I got too much money in the bank to get punked out by punks like you!” Savage yells, although it’s still unclear to whom he’s referring. Then he says he and Gorgeous George are leaving. OK.

The Filthy Animals are searching for Torrie backstage. How did they find Shane Douglas’ great hiding place?? But the Revolution have moved off to another backstage space to complain about how Chris Benoit beat Malenko’s ass.

Next WCW title tournament match: Madusa vs. Meng. Oh God. Madusa looks legitimately unwell. Everyone who knows Meng is terrified of Meng. He’s like nuclear war. This is not a pioneering intergender matchup: none of Madusa’s offense is effective, while Meng just stands around and growls like an animal. Madusa wrestled Bull Nakano a lot, so this probably wasn’t the scariest opponent she’d faced. Meng wins in about four minutes with the Tongan Death Grip. Remember when it was a big deal that Madusa jumped to WCW with the WWF women’s belt? Boy, they sure made the most of that, didn’t they?

Evan Karagias comes out to help Madusa. “Isn’t he gallant,” Brain sneers, and for some reason he pronounces it “guh-launt” and it makes me laugh out loud. That’s how I’m pronouncing it from now on.

Nothing stands still. Malenko comes out and challenges Benoit and then leaves. Russo’s WCW feels like experimental theater, right down to the destruction of the fourth wall and acknowledgement of artifice.

Mark describes Hall and Nash as “two retirees going around, causing trouble,” and this is a perfect description of what they’re doing at this point. I’m omitting about half the backstage segments, because they all last about 45 seconds and seem meaningless.

Lex Luger and Miss Elizabeth come out, everything we know about what would happen later making it very hard to enjoy any of this. I think this is a match in the title tournament? The WCW commentary team does not do nearly as much recapping as today’s WWE announcers, and it’s kind of baffling.

It’s Luger vs. Rick Steiner, and a shirtless Jeff Jarrett comes out to join in on commentary. “We saw your shtick in the WWF, we know you’d hit a woman,” Schiavone says. “This is not the WWF, this is the WCW, and I am the Chosen One!” Jarrett replies. Jarrett is upset that he is being blamed for hitting Liz last week. Jarrett tries to hit Luger with a guitar and gets Steiner instead. Jarrett runs off and Steiner follows him. The crowd seems bored and angry. Luger wins via count. The match was maybe three minutes long.

Kidman and Konnan are backstage. Konnan calls the Revolution “mark busters.” I can’t look at Kidman without seeing Peter Missing. Have you ever heard Missing Foundation? It’s really challenging stuff. What a group they were.

Another title tournament match, this time between Kidman and Konnan, fellow Filthy Animals. There’s a ref bump 45 seconds into the match. Harlem Heat comes out and beat up Konnan and Kidman. Who’s getting humped now, gentlemen, hmmmm? Now Rey and Eddie come out to fight Harlem Heat. In the ring, Kidman gets the pin on an out-cold Konnan. The match lasted two minutes at most. The secret of Vince Russo is that Vince Russo is not a wrestling fan.

Buff Bagwell’s in the ring and vowing to break all the rules. “I’m going to take every little thing that’s ever been sacred in this business and I’m gonna relieve myself all over it.” Then he says, “I’m not doin’ a J-O-B, a job, for nobody ever again!” He calls out “the two idiots in the back writing this crap,” which, Jesus. Two giant bald guys in suits com out who say “We represent the two idiots in the back writing this crap,” and then proceed to beat the stuffing out of Buffing.

We’re back from commercial, and Chris Benoit is going to wrestle Dean Malenko in a Mom Jeans Beatdown. No, it’s a last man standing match, but they’re both wearing mom jeans, without belts. That really bothers me for some reason. This is a really good match, the only good one of the night so far. Not entirely surprising. There’s no way to reflect on Chris Benoit without the shadow of his hideous crimes hanging over everything, but for whatever it’s worth, he was one of the best wrestlers of his generation. He had a graceful ferocity and total commitment to what he did that very few wrestlers have ever matched. Benoit wins.

The Filthy Animals run out to beat on Malenko, then Shane Douglas and Asya come out with Torrie Wilson. Torrie Wilson is notably taller than her captor, Asya. They should’ve got Nicole Bass to be their Chyna-alike. Douglas kind of sucked, didn’t he?

Jimmy Hart comes out with Hugh Morrus and Knobs from the Nasty Boys. Was there a new Nasty Boys with Morrus in place of Sags? Or was Knobs moonlighting? I’ll tell you what: the Nasty Boys put together a surprising number of extremely fun matches. This is not one of them: Sting comes out with a baseball bat, beats down Knobs, and gets the pin. I guess this was a no DQ match?

One thing to remember in the Nitromare: nothing has to make sense.

We’re backstage with Tenay and Bret Hart, who has what I think is a storyline ankle injury. Bret interviews like an earnest hockey player, which was part of his appeal. He didn’t have to scream or act like a lunatic to sell you on a match.

Now there’s a tag match between Konnan and Kidman and the defending champs, Harlem Heat. Konnan is also wearing FUBU; were they a sponsor?

I’m flummoxed that they’d allow so many empty seats facing the hard camera. Why not send people in higher sections down to take those seats? This is AWA-at-the-end level inattention to detail.

Meanwhile, in the match, Harlem Heat are beating the shit out of the Filthy Animals in a mostly uninteresting fashion. It’s a slog. There’s an inexplicable screw job finish that has Schiavone asking “Who won?,” which is always a good sign. The answer: the Filthy Animals won because ... Kidman bridged out of a pin?

Nitromare: Nothing Has to Make Sense

DDP and Kimberly come out. My God, Kimberly was attractive. And Page was insanely over with WCW fans; it’s galling how badly he was mishandled by the WWF. Did you know Page sued Jay Z over the Diamond Cutter hand gesture? They settled out of court, so we still don’t have settled legal precedent on whether you can trademark a hand gesture.

David Flair comes out. DDP is mad at Flair because Flair’s dad slept with Kimberly. Flair pulls out a crowbar and cheap-shots DDP, then starts whaling on him. David Flair looks like the character in a movie about rural 19th century America who’s described as “a bit touched.” Like a character who accidentally kills or injures a major character and then commits suicide in helpless despair. It’s not ... a great look for a pro wrestler.

DDP gets kayfabe stretchered out. Well, I believe he’s the winner by disqualification, so there is that.

Back from commercial. Hall and Nash, in street clothes, are in the ring. Their opponents appear to be local strippers. They’re not given an introduction, so we don’t know for sure. One of them motorboats Scott Hall. The crowd enjoys it, because wrestling fans in the 1990s were not very sophisticated. The other stripper is tagged in. “This is what it’s all about,” Tony says. Nash comes in. “The hot tag! The big save,” Tony says. One of the rare moments when I feel like Lou Thesz. A third stripper with balloon-sized fake breasts comes into the ring. The Outsiders lay down and get pinned. Who says Kevin Nash wouldn’t do jobs in WCW?

Goldberg mercifully runs into the ring and spears them both. The crowd likes it, but is also horny and mad that the woman with the huge fake breasts didn’t take her shirt off. The replay is brought to us by the Air Force, which at the time was using the slogan “Aim High.” Not a lot of that in Nitromare, I’m afraid.

I think it’s main event time. God, I hope it is. I’m so weary. Bret Hart hobbles out to the ring. He’s wrestling Goldberg, who has one of the all-time great entrances in pro wrestling history.

Tony says Bret’s shin is hurt, when earlier we were told it was his ankle. Later, Tony says it’s Bret’s ankle. Razor sharp.

Goldberg was not a great wrestler, and with Bret selling a broken ankle, it was hard to carry the big dude to a credible match. The story here is Bret’s insane pride and resilience, and it’s going well initially: the crowd rallying behind him as he tries to fight back against the onslaught from Goldberg. Goldberg does a good job of looking conflicted about wrestling a guy who’s less than 100 percent, which adds to the story. Goldberg finally starts working on the injured leg and then breaks the hold, hoping the ref will stop the match. Hey, this is actually not bad!

Bret fights out of a corner and applies the sleeper, which leads to, merciful God in heaven above, a ref bump. The Outsiders and Sid Vicious run out to take out Goldberg. Nash hits the most spectacular move in his arsenal, the sidewalk slam. Goldberg is out and Bret covers him for the win. This sucked.

Grade: D

Signs in the Crowd: WCW = Where Chumps Wrestle; Everyone Hates Rey, Man (so Nineties); Ryan Gill is Gay (also very Nineties, in a bad way); IM SINGLE; Goldberg Kicks Ass; Big Sexy in the House NWO 4 Life; Hall = Ratings; Filthy Animals = Circle Jerk; Can’t Stand Me No Fruit Booties; Buff is the Stuff; WWW. Rantsylvania . Com (still active! It’s Scott Keith’s blog); WCW Monday Maestro (was there really a person who liked the Maestro enough to make a sign?); Joe B is a Candy Ass; I Pimp Pimps; Russo Where’s the Gambler?

#NItromare #WCW #1990s wrestling #Vince Russo

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avanneman · 5 years

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Kevin Costner’s “Highwaymen”: A plateful of fascism, racism on the side

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Kevin Costner? Kevin “Dances With Wolves” Costner, who defended the Lakota against the genocidal white patriarchy? Kevin “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves” Costner, who was, you know, the prince of thieves, and defied the, you know, genocidal white patriarchy? That Kevin Costner is a fascist?

Damn straight, dude. Big Daddy Kev has had with these kids, who are, it seems, nothing but a bunch of damn murderer-worshippin’ hippies, brainwashed by the damn media into turning their backs on everything that’s decent, wholesome, and capitalist in American life. It’s time to whup some sense into their damn heads, or maybe just damn kill ‘em, because, come to think of it, that would solve the problem pretty damn quick.

That seems to be the message of Kevin’s latest, Highwaymen, done for the small screen and available on Netflix. Highwaymen didn’t seem to get much press when it premiered a couple of weeks ago, either pro or con, but, as a retelling—and, basically, a point-by-point rebuttal—of Warren Beatty’s neo nouvelle vague masterpiece, Bonnie & Clyde, which hit the American movie-going public like a bomb back in 1967, made Pauline Kael famous, and (so I said in my review) allowed American movies to go up once and for all, it certainly makes a statement, which I am going to disagree with, at length.

Maybe Kevin Costner, who was all of twelve when B&C came out, couldn’t understand why Warren “Pretty Boy” Beatty was getting all his press, or maybe Kevin is just souring with age, or maybe Trumpism is catching—which God forbid—but, whatever the reason, it’s clear that Kevin decided that, 50 years after the fact, it was time to take 82-year-old Pretty Boy down a peg. Surely few films—particularly one of such expense and quality—have been so closely crafted to “refute” an earlier film. Highwaymen scarcely makes “sense” if not viewed with constant awareness of Bonnie & Clyde.1

The film is visually very well made, like Bonnie & Clyde working very hard to convey the harshness of Depression-Era Texas. The film opens by showing us an old timey car pulling up in a field and a dainty gal, obviously Bonnie because she’s packing a tommy gun,2 firing it into the air as a signal for jail break (actually a “prison fam break”) that she and Clyde are apparently coordinating. She’s deliberately shown to us in a long shot, letting us know that (probably) we won’t be getting a real look at either Bonnie or Clyde until the end, rather like Mrs. Bates in Psycho.

Afterwards, we cut to the offices of the Texas governor—canny, soulless “Ma” Ferguson (Kathy Bates). Ma’s a fraud, like all politicians, all image and no substance. She’s taking heat from the press for all this Bonnie & Clyde stuff, and it’s time to find someone to blame for her own incompetence, time to pull “legendary” Texas Ranger Frank Hamer out of retirement. Ma shut down the Rangers for some unspecified reason, but, since she’s a chick, you can bet it was some kind of chickenshit chick shit, like some little Missy got her little nose all out of joint because some dude might have given her ass a little pat. If it’s not for sale don’t advertise, sweetheart! Yeah, the gals always be whinin’, but when there’s a real job to be done, all of a sudden they’ve got to find a real man to do it.

And Frank, well, he’s a real man, living large and in charge, got a big house and fancy young society wife to run it for him. He sure don’t need no job, and no need to do Ma no favors, but Bonnie and Clyde, they’ve been killing peace officers. It’s a job that’s got to be done, and a real man don’t quit till the job’s done.

Frank sets off in the fancy new Lincoln he just gave his wife, a car whose elegant lines will be featured over and over again in the film, with near fetish-like devotion, seemingly a compulsive echo of all the gleaming thirties roadsters that Bonnie and Clyde pilfer in Beatty’s film, though none of them, I think, were luxury models like Frank’s Lincoln.3

Once Frank’s got the car, he needs a companion, and he finds one in fellow dinosaur Maney Gault (Woody Harrelson). Maney don’t look like much, and he has to pee a lot (which, when you come to think about it, is pretty damn funny), but Frank, he’s looking for guts, not glamor, and Maney’s got the real stuff in his belly.

And so off they go, taking shit from all kinds of snot-nosed fancy-pants kids in the state police and even the FBI. They got airplanes and shit, they can even listen to your telephone conversations and you can’t do anything about it! How scary is that!4

Frank and Maney, they don’t have nothin’, nothin’ but smarts, smarts and a whole shitload of automatic weapons that Frank buys, in a wet-dream gun lovers’ sequence—surely ten thousand dollars of cargo or more, practically none of which is actually used in the film.5 I would be very unsurprised to learn that Costner is a gun lover and has all of these items in his collection, weapons that he probably enjoys hefting and then throwing at his guests. What’s the matter, sissy boy? Can’t handle a piece?

For most of the rest of the film, Frank and Maney just drive around in their shiny new Lincoln, Frank raining contempt on all the punk kids in the FBI, the damn newspapers, and damn general public for making heroes out of a pair of murderous brats, while Maney has to take a leak every ten minutes. (Okay, that part’s funny.) At one point, Maney almost gets a shot at Clyde, but then he’s mobbed all these damn broads, like he’s a celebrity or something, before Maney can pull the trigger.

The film goes to absurd lengths to make Bonnie, who was not a very nice person, not merely a hardened criminal but, well, a sadistic, castrating bitch. At one point, Hamer “deduces”, from footprints at a crime scene, that Bonnie wounded a policeman, then rolled him over with her foot in order to force him to watch before she blew his brains out. But we are both told and shown that Bonnie is tiny (90 pounds) and walks with a limp.6 I’ll bet Kevin Costner couldn’t roll a 90-pound woman over with his foot, much less a 200-pound man. Women issues much, Kevin?

Finally, Frank gets a solid lead, beating the crap out of some punk to find out what Bonnie and Clyde are up to, because beating the crap out of people is pretty much the best solution to any law enforcement problem. He learns that the Barrow gang is headed to Louisiana to hole up with the father of one of the gang. Frank makes a deal with the father, as happened in real life and the Beatty film, arranging for an ambush. None of this fair play bullshit for him! He also insists that a young deputy come along with them to identify Clyde, setting up a ludicrous (and fraudulent) finale to teach the kid and the audience about “real life”—from real life actor Kevin Costner.

Naturally, the kid, being a kid, is a little squeamish about the prospect of seeing two people shot to pieces from ambush, so Maney has to explain the facts of life to the kid. (Many rather than Frank, because Frank is more or less a god, and gods don’t explain themselves. If they did, they’d lose caste.)

Maney tells the kid a story about when he was a young Texas Ranger. The Rangers have located a huge gang of Mexican desperados, but when they try to arrest them, announcing “Manos arribos” (or something like that, meaning “Hands up!”), well, instead of putting up their hands, the Mexicans start shooting. Day after day, it goes on like this, the Rangers losing a man or two every day until Frank shows up. No more “manos arribos”, motherfucker! We shoot first, and we shoot to kill! And that’s how it goes down, and Maney even blows away this innocent, unarmed, fifteen-year-old kid, who just wanted to escape, putting six slugs in the little fucker. Cause that’s what a man does! Adios, muchacho!

Uh, really? If a gang shoots a cop, the cops will come back time and time again, trying to arrest the gang peacefully? Really? They needed Frank Hamer to tell them they were doing it wrong? And, why, exactly, did Maney have to put six slugs in a non-combatant? Is this like one of those “Kill ‘em all, Let God sort ‘em out” tee-shirts you get at a gun show? In fact, of course, they didn’t need to have the kid come along in the first place. Maney knows what Clyde looks like, and was going to drop him earlier, if only he could have gotten a clean shot. The kid’s just a lazy plot device.

But the kicker comes when Frank, Maney, the kid, a couple of local police finally ambush Bonnie and Clyde, because it isn’t an ambush. Frank steps out in front of the car and gives the two a chance to surrender, just what Maney just told us ls what pussies do, and is why pussies never get the job done. Yeah, Kevin Costner wants to give us this hard-ass “moral”, that civilization depends on the occasional cold-blooded murder. But, at the same time, he wants the audience to like him. What a coward.

When I saw the 1998 Gus Van Sant shot for shot remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho (1960), I walked out of theater thinking “Now he should remake it again, except this time showing us everything that Hitchcock didn’t show us!” Dunno if it would work, but maybe. ↩︎

Tommy guns, with their drum magazines, though (I’ve read, though Wikipedia says different) they often did not work very well and were not often used, were a legendary symbol of gang violence. When I was a small boy, the conclusion of the visitor’s tour of the FBI was a demonstration of a tommy gun in a special shooting range in the basement, though I don’t know if FBI agents ever used one in a fire fight. In those days the FBI had a fairly low-key building across the street from the Department of the Interior, which a had very low-budget aquarium open to the public. You could see a guy shoot up a target with a tommy gun and then walk across the street and look at the two-headed turtle (for real). ↩︎

In my original review of B&C, I remarked that all of the cars Bonnie and Clyde steal are in sparkling condition, with gleaming chrome and, often, two-tone paint jobs—just what you wouldn’t find in East Texas during the Great Depression. Beatty starred in Splendor in the Grass (1961), featuring all the polished roadsters that director Elia Kazan didn’t get to drive while working his way through Williams College back in the day. Many film directors, ranging from Jean-Luc Godard to Steven Spielberg, compulsively feature in their films the cars they didn’t get to drive when they were young. ↩︎

In the thirties, every phone call was individually placed by an operator, who could listen in if she wanted to (all telephone operators were women), though of course they weren’t supposed to. Furthermore, in rural areas, if there were phones at all, houses were connected on “party lines”. Anyone on your line could listen to your call. ↩︎

If you’re wondering, Bonnie and Clyde were killed before the National Firearms Act of 1934 was signed into law, a law that, in any event, simply put a tax on automatic weapons, so that only respectable people could buy them. ↩︎

The real Bonnie Parker, by the time of the events in the film, could not walk unassisted, after suffering third-degree burns on her leg during an automobile accident. ↩︎

#Highwaymen #Kevin Costner #Warren Beatty

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rassasassalin · 7 years

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I like that we're starting out Smackdown talking about the Women's Rumble, but I am slightly worried, considering the last time we had a turning point for women's wrestling in the WWE, that the last "woman" to come in will be Santino Marella in drag again and 'Santina' will end up winning the whole thing. Like, listen, I understand what they did with Ellesworth, and as far as heelworking goes, it was brilliant, that was legit, real heat for Ellesworth and Carmella. But the timing was so fucking bad. And then before that, it was the women's hell in a cell and that was... well it wasn't Awful but it wasn't super great either.

I'm feeling slightly awkward about Daniel and Shane having it out right now. It feels like when the Folks are trying to not have an arguement because their kiddos are in the same room but they're also not going to let the subject that could start an argument drop because that would mean the other would win by default and they refuse. I know people think this'll be the start of a heel turn for Daniel, but honestly, this might be a heel Shane turn. I mean, we all know that modern WWE, every McMahon, no matter what they do, are at their core, a heel. Then again, they might be doing that really weird thing where everyone in the company- outside of like, Corey- treat the obvious Face as a Heel despite the fact that the fan's, the fan's friends and family, and like Sasquatches living in the wilds of Washington State know that the "heel" is actually totally in the right and are the true good guy in the scenario. DANIEL KNOW DON'T TELL HIM TO FIRE YOU HE'S A MCMAHON HE'LL FUCKING DO IT jesus wept ouch daniel that's painful crowd please stop with the who's you're daddy quote gulak wouldn't approve.

...Don't trust that. Shane's a McMahon, they don't let people get one over on them like that, this is going to end in tears.

Heeeeeey there Usos. Everyone's going shirtless now. The Twins, Baron... I'm alright with this. Dig the Usos, but tbh, I'm actually rooting for Chad and Sheldon.. uh... Chaldon? Gabejamin? Their names don't really go together easily but I'll forgive them for that. Fucking beautiful, I love these boys, Benjamin is the fucking best, I'm so exicted to see them doing well.

Oooh, a Dolph celebration. While Dolph's going through his partypooper no fun phase. Wow. So excited.

...Okay, that was a damn good package about the Lady's Rumble, yeah, I'm with you Charlotte, I legit have chills. I'm still worried, but I'm also Hopeful. Still half suspecting Charlotte to go "But congratulations the most to ME, Who made all of this Possible by being AMAZING and PERFECT in all ways haha I'm still a baddy at heart because I'm best heel" I mean, I know she won't because there are barely any Faces in the SD women's division, but still. Aw nice, using that numbers game AGAINST the Riot(t?) Squad. More people you have in your group, the more likely you are to get in someone else's way

NEW DAY I LOVE YOU. ..............OH MY GOD, IT'S RUSEV AND AIDEN!!! I HAD NO IDEA, THEIR DISGUISES ARE SO GOOD. Could they have a merch off? No, but seriously, two of the best merch sellers in the WWE. And could you imagine what it would do for their sales numbers, if people knew that actually buying shirts and cereal and stuffies and what have you. And if they're open and upfront about it, then it comes off as more charming than, you know, a heartless attempt at just getting more money. It's a win all around. ...but please let Rusev and Aiden come out to fight still dressed up and let them assure the crowd that it is in fact them underneath their costumes becauase that's like one of my favorite wrestling tropes when the crowd gets to act SUPER AMAZINGLY MINDBLOWINGLY SURPRISED when someone gets unmasked and such.

PLEASE, CROWDS, START SINGING ZIGGLER'S THEME ANYWAY. Although, now that I think about it, outside of I'm Here To Show The World, I... yeah, I don't know it either when I don't hear it. ...Is Dolph wearing a dress shirt with little pink flamingos all over it??????????? What is??? Dolph, how am I supposed to take your serious heel promo seriously when Flamingos???????????????????? Dolph please, please, help me help you I can't even pay attention to what you're saying I'm only hearing like every three words or so becauase fucking Flamingos. Do they symbolize something??? Are you trying to tell us something Dolph?????? How do you even buy a dress shirt with tiny pink flamingos printed on it? Where does one go to buy that??????? Yes I know you've got all these accolades I know dude, but F L A M I N G O S. Awwww, Simon. AND FLAMINGO PINK SHORTS. Oooooooh Shitttttt, Dolph, don't mention succesful MitB cash ins, that's a bad idea, and I don't think your flamingos will be a proper sheild against an angry Baron HOLY SHIT THEY SHOWED AJ LEE AGAIN ON LIVE TV!!!!!! FOR LIKE A SECOND BUT SHE WAS THERE. THE FUCKING FLAMINGOS I'M DYING, I"M SORRY BUT I JUST CAN"T GET OVER THEM "...You don't deserve this title"??? and then pull a Punk? Dolph, what are you doing, what are you going to do to that belt???? ...What? He's just going to- is this Dolph retiring? They won't even let him go out on a match????????? The Shit Is This??????? That can't be it. No, honestly, that'd be super fucked up, I'm not the biggest Dolph fan but I appreciate what he's done for the company and he should go out passing the torch to someone else, like Sami or Tye or someone, you know??? Fuck, I don't like that. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'd rather he'd have spit or stompped or something on on the belt. I feel very unsettled and confused and I don't like it.

And the WWE's gonna pull a Disney here. You know, putting on a goofy match after that bullshit isn't going to make me forget the trauma that you just put me through, you're just going to make me feel more emotionally confused.

John Cena is officially Santa now, mmkay.

Excuse me mister announcer, I think you mean Santa and Frosty. So goofy costumes is making me think about Breezango, who are nowhere to be seen, so I guess I'm just to assume that they've been officially murdered and are dead noooooooooo AIDEN WHAT IS THE BACK OF YOUR COSTUME WHY DOES IT HAVE A SEXY PEEPHOLE ALSO COREY WOW DUDE TOO SOON CAN WE NOT ABOUT MY MONGO I like how they did the rusev day chant to New Day Rocks that makes me happy. Pfffft. Rusev taking back his undies. Pfffffft. Seriously Rusev is so great, he deserves the world. Pfffffff pancakes of positivity. Actually, pancakes sound amazing, but I don't have any syrup in the house right now. I suppose I could make them pre-sweetened... Hmmm... So just so it's on the record, I love Xavier's boots. I love his little elf boots they're great, so good have always been the greatest. YES AIDEN, SHOW THEM WHAT DAY IT IS HELL YES KILL THAT TABLE! OH WAIT NO!!!!!!!! NOT THE PANCAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! more of a coolwhip gal myself too. i know it's not real cream but like, you know, just kinda tastes better to me. I love how Dramatic Xavier is. And how Dramatic Aiden is. ...Jesus Xavier, don't- that was gross, let's not ever do THAT again please, oh god.

Still weirded out by the WWF commercials. I don't think I'll ever not be weirded out by the WWF commercials.

You know what I'm looking forward to??? The point in time where technology has advanced enough that we can get 360 degree cameras at wrestling avents so that I can choose where I want to look. I know it'll be even more death to Kayfabe, but like, I wanna see wrestlers dancing to other wrestler's themes. And also be sometimes it feels like a lot of the time the camera work isn't fucking great and at least if I miss important stuff it'll be because of my own inabilities and not because of someone else.

Awww, I was hoping AJ and Shinsuke were going to take out my darling Singh bros, whom I love, but would also kind of love watching them get beaten the fuck up. Sami you can't say you weren't doing anything with his hair when you bring up your hand and you still have Shin's hair on your fingers. Yes, Nakamura messed with Sami's chesthair but at least he didn't tweak a nipple or something, right? Right. Gotta look at the brightside guys. JESUS CHRIST POOR SAMI THAT HURT *ME* IS YOUR PELVIS OKAY, PLEASE DON'T PUKE THAT'LL SET ME OFF HOLY SHIT SERIOUSLY, we're three commercials in and I'm still not over it was that planned was that supposed to happen??? that must have knocked the air outta him if nothing else but christ I'm seriously in pain over here just thinking about it happening to me I can't even. Sami's back up, okay, but holy shit I wouldn't be I'd just roll under the ring and allow myself to die in peace. ...That was a nice move by Jinder messing with the ropes, dangit.

C'mon Ref, SEND... THEM... OUT!!! ...wait, no, despite my love of that trope, I love the Singh's too much, they're too good to send them away. Also why do they keep- The fuck was that with AJ and Randy??? The Phenomenal Forearm doesn't need any inair assitence??? That was kinda dumb guys. Guys, I love you, but that was goofy.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? DON'T CARE BECAUSE NOW IT'S FINALLY TIME FOR SOME DREW05LIVE!!! ...but also let me take a moment before that to appreciate how beautiful and graceful Shinsuke is, wow, I love him.

#wwe smackdown #tuesday night smackdown #sassin about rasslin

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melaniecoriolanya · 8 years

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Punk 57 by Penelope Douglas

Click the cover to find the Goodreads synopsis

I am sad to say that this gem sat in my library months before I actually read it. When I finally gave it all of my attention, I COULD NOT STOP. The story was much more than I could’ve hoped for, and I never should’ve underestimated Queen Douglas. Her characters, as usual had more depth to them with every page, and it just kept getting better and better. It was definitely one of those books that had me cackling out loud, and cussing out loud, and I may or may not have teared up at some points.

The story is the tale of two teenagers (seniors) that have been pen pals for seven years. They decided it would be best not to meet each other in person, although they only live about a half hour apart, and have fallen for each other. After a one sided accidental run in, things begin to take a turn. Misha (I’m obsessed with that name by the way) and Ryen aren’t like what the other expected, and it takes them both on a crazy ride of self awareness, growth, forgiveness, and love. And a whole lot of sexy, too.

Warning: If you haven’t read the book, stop here!

Misha: Misha, Misha, Misha...say it thrice, and it still sounds nice! He is everything I needed him to be. At first, I thought he was going to be an annoyingly broody, overly emotional song writer (gag), but it didn’t take long for him to get some substance in him. His relationship and adoration of Ryen was adorable to say the least, and it was interesting to see just how torn up he was over the fact that she looked and acted nothing like he expected her too. I didn’t take a genius to figure out that the girl that died had been his sister, and what that could do to a person, but he went above and beyond on this one. His reaction to seeing Ryen in all her bitchy glory was perfect. When he had enough and decided to put a stop to it in class, I was sassy clapping my ass off. That was what I loved about him, and that was what I needed from our love interest. I called her on all her smelly shit, and he did it in front of everyone, consistently. He didn’t let her get away with it, and he didn’t back down. Also, I’m so happy he wasn’t a puss. Every single time Captin JockStrap got in his face, he got his ass kicked. I didn’t have to go through the second hand embarrassment of Misha getting curb stomped because he couldn’t handle himself, and I’m thankful for that. Misha’s love for his sister is heartbreaking. His relationship with his father is tough to read, but so important, and I was so in love with how much he felt for the girl he had been writing to for years and years. He took no shit, and he demanded that she better. Not for anyone else, but for herself, and you only do that if you love someone.

Ryen: I was annoyed, and I was angry. I hate bullies more than I hate spiders. I especially hate them when they are so weak on the inside, that all they know how to do is spit venom. The only thing that I liked about Ryen is that she had asthma, and that she knew she was a shitty person on the inside. I hated her friend Lyla, and I don’t understand why she didn’t just pour hot tar over her head and be done with the bitch. She was absolutely wretched. But Ryen was worse because she knew that already. I didn’t feel bad for her because she had no friends in kindergarten. I don’t sympathize with bullies. I felt bad for her because as much as she hated everything else, she hated herself the most. She needed Misha, and that was so easy to see in the way she started lashing out. But what she needed most was Masen, to tell her to stop all that nonsense and act right. I’ve always found it so attractive when guys are able to just give their girls a slap on the butt and tell them to stop misbehaving. Also, I’m mad at her for not figuring out who he was a lot sooner. He wrote her letters about the very same warehouse they met in, and she knew he was in a band and played guitar...Beuller. In the end, I’m very proud of the Ryen that stood up to JockStrap and started a cat fight with Lyla for being an absolute troll. I’m proud of the Ryen that put the writing on the walls, like a real boss, and stopped fighting Misha every single time he tried to crack her ice blocked heart. I’m proud of the Ryen that whipped out her inhaler in front of everyone at the dance, because there’s no shame in not being able to breathe. And I’m proud of the Ryen that made sure that sexual assaulting idiot got arrested. Good looks on that one.

Top 5 Favorite Quotes:

1. "We’re all ugly, Ryen. The only difference is, some hide it and some wear it."

2. "You don’t have to be afraid or embarrassed. No one does you better than you. You can’t be replaced. Not everyone will see that, but only you need to.”

3. "He's a reminder of what I want to feel everyday, whether it's with him or on my own. He's taught me that who I am when I'm with him feels too good to sacrifice for the approval of everyone else. The way I dress, the guys I talk to, the games I play... it's all plastic, and when I'm with him, I'm gold."

4. "Spread on your bravery, line the eyes and the lips,” I say under my breath as I write on the paper, “glue up the cracks and paint over the rips.”

5. "Longing, because I miss her. I miss talking to her as me. Lust greater than I've ever known, because we're like this, it's the only time she softens and changes and gives me an inch, and it's a need that's in my head just as much as my body. It keeps me on my toes."

Rating: 5 out of 5

It was everything. It was missing nothing. I loved how rough they were with each other, and how soft it made them in return. I loved the give and take, and how Ryen slowly started to become the girl in her letters, only stronger. I loved watching Misha rebuild his relationship with his father, and stop blaming himself, and focusing on his ain’t-ish mother. If you haven’t read it, you have to. I won’t take no for an answer.

https://www.amazon.com/Punk-57-Penelope-Douglas-ebook/dp/B01KB8XC5A/ref=sr_1_1_twi_kin_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1484624851&sr=8-1&keywords=punk+57

-KC

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