#-makes him look insufferable- -makes him actually very complex and interesting without taking away a lot of what compelled me to like him-

[hollowsart]

Guy Gardner: Green Lantern!

Finally finished my redesign and ref sheet for this guy !!

I'm leaving the PL design cuz it slaps and also it's funny and I wanna make it canon that he got that ring at some point and had to deal with that for awhile. (he made it work. had fun)

he had an experience once with a red ring and he hated every minute of it. he's always running from it.

Anyways, he gives me cowboy and punk vibes.

miscellaneous info: (sorry if anything sounds repetitive)

--

Had a terrible upbringing, was not the favored child, often told he was a disgrace and compared often to his brother, really messed with his mental health and self perception.

Rebelled a lot in spite of his father. mother did nothing to help him, only one good point in high eyes is that at least she didn't hurt him. He doesn't have a great relationship with his family and has a bit of loathing towards his brother He has since become estranged from his family by choice.

Further rebellion lead to him living a more punk life, going against his father, a cop. He's living how he feels comfortable and free without the expectations from his family. Anything that would get a rise out of his dad? Oh, he's gonna do it. He's grown out of it, but sometimes the habits die hard Hard to give up, hard to move on.

Guy struggled to keep a job for years, finding and taking whatever he could. The last job he had before he was found by Abin Sur's ring was as a teacher for a local school. He was about to be fired and needed a new job anyway. He was happy to take it and escape his earth life for a little while. A further rebellion against his family, he'll claim, but really it was an escape from his miserable life at the time.

As a result of his constant search for a job, he's gained a lot of experience and knowledge with a wide array of things, such as swimming, coaching, cooking, mechanics, engineering, mending, dancing-- He's not a professional at any of these, he's quite rusty with some of them, but he's still very capable if these skills are ever needed.

With the ring, Guy finally found a job that he was good at, successful. It was one he didn't fumble catastrophically. He loves the GL corps and will do whatever he can to keep it, it's a place he feels accepted and liked. even if his personality and attitude may be a little hard to digest and tolerate for some. He's very passionate and cares a lot despite how stubborn and brash he may act.

The GL corps is really all Guy has. He puts a lot of his devotion into it. it's the only consistently positive things in his life. It's the one thing he would never run from. He would honestly defend the corps with his life, taking the oath to heart. His word is his bond and he values it.

Often gets into fights, is usually the one who starts it whether he intended to or not. He does finish them, at least.... well. If possible, he tries to. Albeit.. not in the best of ways. He still has a lot to learn.

Guy overcompensates his fears and worries, his anxieties with an overconfident and boastful, loud and abrasive attitude. His more vulnerable side is one that less than 5 people have ever seen and know of. He'd rather people see him as a dirtbag than as any less than a man. His dad instilled a lot of negativity towards himself from a young age. Feeling inferior. Anything goes wrong? Guy is bottling that up and taking it out on training dummies and letting it out in his room with a drink or two.

[thanksjro]

Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours.


After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

--------------------------

COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY

[number5theboy]

Please elaborate on how Five could've turned into the most insufferable character to watch

Thanks for asking me to elaborate on this text post:

@tessapercygranger​, @waywardd1​ and @margarita-umbrella​ also wanted to see a more detailed version of it, and I ended up writing an essay that’s longer than some of my actual academic essays. So buckle up.

WHY NUMBER FIVE SHOULD BE THE MOST OBNOXIOUS CHARACTER IN TV HISTORY, AND HOW HE MANAGES NOT TO BE

Number Five: The Concept That Could Go Horribly Wrong

Alright, let’s first look at Five in theory in an overarching way, without taking into account the execution of the show. The basic set-up of the character, of course, is being a 58-year-old consciousness in a teenager’s body, due to a miscalculation in time travel. Right off the bat, Five is bar none the most overpowered of the siblings; by the end of Season 2, no one has yet been able to defeat him in a fight. He is a master assassin – and not just any master assassin, but the best one there is – and a survival expert, able to do complex maths and physics without the aid of a calculator, shown to have knowledge of half a dozen languages, has very developed observational skills and, to top that all off, he can manipulate time and space to the point where he can literally erase events that happened and change the course of history. And Five knows how skilled he is; he is arrogant, self-assured and sarcastic, and his streak of goodness is buried deep inside. David Castañeda once described Five in an interview as 90% chocolate with a cherry in the middle, meaning that you have to get through a lot of darkness and bitterness before knowing there is a good core, and I think it’s an excellent metaphor. However, Five is also incredibly, fundamentally terrible at communicating with anyone, and, because he is the only one with time travel abilities, the character a lot of the actual plot - and the moving forward of it - centres around. Also he’s earnestly in love with a mannequin, who is pretty much a projection of his own consciousness that functions as a coping mechanism for all the trauma he has endured. All in all, this gives you a character who looks like a teenager, but with the smug superiority of a fifty-something, who a) is extremely skilled in many different things, b) has a superiority complex, is arrogant and vocal about it, and most of the superiority is expressed through cutting sarcasm, c) has one very hidden ounce of goodness that he is literally the worst at communicating to other human beings, d) is what moves the plot along but is also bad at talking to anyone else, meaning that the plot largely remains with him, and e) his love interest is essentially a projection of himself. Tell me that’s not a character who is destined to be just…obnoxious, annoying, egocentric, a necessary evil that one has to put up with to get through this show. There are so many elements of this characterisation that can and should easily make Five beyond insufferable, but the show manages to avoid it, and I’m putting this down to three aspects.

That Trick of Age and Appearance

Bluntly put, Five as a character would not work if he was anything else than an old man in a 13-year-old body. Imagine this character and all his skills and knowledge, but actually just…a teenager. Immediately insufferable. Same goes for him being around 30, like his siblings, all of which are stunted and traumatised by their father’s abuse. If Five, being comparatively unscathed by Reginald to the point where he explicitly does not want to be defined by his association with his father, were 30 like his siblings, it would just take the bite out of that plot point and also give him a lot less time in the apocalypse, reducing the impact it had on him as a person. And making Five his actual 58-year-old self would make him very similar to Reginald, at least on surface level, with the appearance and attitude. Five and Reginald are two fundamentally different people, but having one of the siblings being a senior citizen that’s dressed to the nines and bosses his siblings around in a relatively self-centred way does open up that parallel, and would take away from Five’s charm as a character. Because pairing the life experience of a 58-year-old with the appearance of a teenager gives you the best of both worlds. You get the other siblings (and a lot of the audience, from a glance in the tags of my gifsets) feeling protective and paternal about Five, but his age and experience also give the justifications for his many skills, his arrogance, in a way, and his ability to decimate a room full of people. It’s the very interesting and not new concept of someone dangerous with the appearance of something harmless, a child. This is also where Five’s singular outfit comes in. I know we like to clown on Five to get a new outfit, but I think what gets forgotten often is how effective this outfit is at making the viewer take him seriously. The preppy school uniform is the perfect encapsulation of the tension between old man in spirit and young teenager in appearance. The blazer, vest and especially the shirt and tie are quite formal, relatively grown up. They’re not something we, the audience, usually associate with a teenage boy wearing; it makes Five just a little bit more grown up. But there is also a reason characters in this show keep bringing up Five’s shorts and his socks, because those are not things that we associate with grown men wearing; they’re the unmistakably childish part of his school uniform. Take a moment and imagine Five wearing a hoodie or a t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers; would that outfit work for him as well as the uniform does? Would he be able to command the same kind of respect or seriousness as a character? I don’t think so; the outfit is a lot more pivotal in making Five believable than a lot of people give it credit for.

Writing Nuance

The other big building block in not making Five incredibly insufferable is the writing. Objectively speaking, I think Five is the most well-written, and, more importantly, most coherently written character on the show (which does have to do with the fact that the show’s events are all sequential for him), and his arc and personality remain relatively intact over the course of the two seasons. More to the point, a giant part of what makes Five bearable as a character is that he is allowed to fail. He is written to have high highs and low lows, big victories through his skills and his intelligence, but also catastrophic failures and the freedom to be wrong. His superior intellect and skillset are not the be-all end-all of the plot or his character, just something that influences both. His inability for communication has not (yet) been used to fabricate a contrived misunderstanding that derails the plot and left all of us seething; instead, it’s a characteristic that makes him fail to reconnect with the people he loves. This is a bit simplified, as he does find common ground with Luther, for example, but in general, a lot of the rift between Five and his siblings is that they can’t relate to his traumas and he does not understand the depth of Reginald’s abuse, which is an interesting conflict worth exploring. Another thing that really works in Five’s favour is that he is definitely written to be mean and sarcastic, but it is never driven to the point of complete unlikability, and a lot of the time, the context makes it understandable why he reacts the way he does. Most of the sarcastic lines he gets are actually funny, that certainly helps, but in general, Five is a good example of a bearable character whose default personality is sharp and relatively cold, because it is balanced out with many moments of vulnerability. Delores is incredibly important for this in the first season, she is the main focus of Five’s humanising moments, and well-written as she totes the line between clearly being a coping mechanism for an extremely traumatised man and still coming across to the viewer as the human contact Five needs her to be. In the second season, the vulnerability is about his guilt for his siblings, it’s about Five connecting a little bit better to them. There’s also his relationship with the Commission and the Handler specifically – which honestly could be an essay on its own – that deserves a mention, because the Handler is why Five became the man he is, and this dynamic between creator and creation is explored in a very interesting way – their scenes are some of the most well-written in the entire show. And TUA never falls into the trap of making Five a hero, he is always morally ambiguous at best, and it just makes for an interesting, multi-faceted character, well-written character, and none of the characteristics that should make him unlikeable are allowed to take centre-stage for long enough to be defining on their own. I know a lot of people especially champion the scenes where Five goes apeshit, but without his more nuanced characterisation, if he was like that all the time, those scenes would not hit as hard.

Aidan Gallagher’s Performance is Underrated

But honestly, none of the above would matter that much if the Umbrella Academy didn’t luck out hard with the casting of Aidan Gallagher. I think what he achieves as an actor in this show is genuinely underappreciated. Like, the first season set out to cast six adults having to deal with various ramifications of childhood trauma, and a literal child that had to be able to act smart and wise beyond his years, seamlessly integrate into a family of adults while seeming like an adult, traumatised by the literal end of the world, AND had to be able to create the romantic chemistry of a thirty-year-long marriage with a lifeless department store doll. The only role I could think of to compare is Kirsten Dunst in Interview with a Vampire, where she plays a vampire child who, because she is undead, doesn’t age physically, but does mentally, so she’s 400 in a child’s body. And Kirsten Dunst had to do that for a two-hour movie. Five is a main character in a show that spans 20 episodes now. That’s insane, and it’s a risk. Five is a character that can’t be allowed to go wrong; if you don’t buy Five as a character, the entire first season loses believability. And they found someone who could do that not only convincingly, but also likeably. As I said, he is incredibly helped by the costuming department and the script, but Aidan Gallager’s Five has so much personality, he’s threatening and funny and charming and arrogant and heartbreaking. He has the range to be convincing in the quiet moments where Five’s humanity comes to show and in the moments where Five goes completely off the rails. Most child actors act with other children, but he is the only child in the main cast, and holds his own in scenes with adults not as a child, but as an adult on equal footing with the other adult characters. That’s not something to be taken for granted. But even apart from the fact that it’s a child actor who carries a lot of the plot and the drama of a series for adults, Aidan Gallagher’s portrayal of Five is also just so much fun. The comedic timing is on point, he has the dramatic chops for the serious scenes, the mannerisms and visual ticks add to the character rather than distract from him, and his line deliveries, paired with his physical acting, make Five arrogant and smug but never outright malicious and unlikeable. It’s just some terrific acting that really does justice to the character as he is written, but the writing would not be as strong if it wasn’t delivered and acted out the way Aidan Gallagher does. He is an incredible asset for this show.

Alright, onto concluding this rambling. If you made it this far, I commend you, and thank you for it. The point of all of this is that Five, as a character, could have been an unmitigated disaster of a TV character. He is overpowered, arrogant, uncommunicative and could so easily have been either unconvincing or completely unlikeable, but he turned out to be neither. It’s a combination of choices in the costume department, decisions in the writing room, and Aidan Gallagher’s acting skills that make the things that should make him obnoxious and annoying incredibly entertaining, and I hope you liked my long-winded exploration of these. Some nuance was lost along the way, but if I had not stopped myself, this would’ve become a full-blown thesis.

[telaraneas]

I’m sending you an analysis ask!! My ask is… Dave! What I always wonder about dave is how he became such a fan favorite among the young fanbase all those years ago. I feel like my original reading of Dave has been heavily influenced by the fandom activity surrounding him at the time (he was the 2012 hs fandom’s #1 sadboy). As a relative latecomer to the fandom, what were your reactions to Dave? And how do you feel today’s fans view him?

OH BOY DAVE!!!

yeah i remember he was a big fan favorite, because this was one of the things you knew if you just EXISTED in tumblr around 2012, even if you knew nothing about homestuck you jsut saw a billion fanarts of that one kid with the sunglasses. but really, "relatively latecomer" relative nothing, i am a brand new baby fan latest of latecomers and i will happily give you my Dave Experience

i can't speak for how other modern fans view him, but for me personally, honestly i have to say i think i really didn't Get Him until late act6; which isn't to say he wasn't an interesting character before then, but that almost everything interesting about him went over my head on the first read.

i think my issue was partly that i was taking his facade mostly at face value and that i didn't really get WHERE his angst was coming from in the ocassions it popped up. like.. it's not that i bought into the idea that he's this cool ironic guy who doesnt afraid of anything, but i guess mostly his typing style and sense of humor were a bit too true-to-life for what the kind of person who thinks "ironic enjoyment of shitty things, too cool to actually care about anything, troll the shit out of anyone who engages with you honestly" is peak comedy actually speaks like, which made him kind of an unpleasant presence to me at the beginning; knowing he was definitely using that irony to cover up something didn't really help, because that's just universally true of basically everyone who's Like That, and that doesnt make them any less insufferable

the thing about dave strider is that he actually keeps up the disaffected cool kid act for a looooong time, and with so much going on and so many characters and stories to think about, i never spared him as much thought as i could have... until act6 happened, and dave was revealed to be a massive dork, and that SERIOUSLY changed my understanding of him as a character. like it's really hilarious how much his early arc persona totally falls apart when you take away the comfort of text-based communication. the addition of body language and the loss of the fractions of a second to formulate answers REALLY change his dialogue and how he reads as a character in ways that are subtle but were kind of shocking to me when i was reading it

like, for example i never had the patience for his long random tangents in chatlogs because i got the feeling he was doing them because he was just that sure that whatever he was on was THAT witty and funny, or alternatively, NOT that witty or funny, which is why he went on those tangents to be ~ironic~ or whatever, and tbh i have adhd and not enough patience to sit and read his diatribes

eeexcept, late comic dave recontextualizes the HELL out of this by revealing that no, HE KINDA REALLY DOES JUST GO ON TANGENTS FOR NO REASON 100% GENUINELY AND ITS NOT A CALCULATED PSEUDO-IRONIC THING AT ALL which makes his lenghty rambling read VERY differently

that sort of stuff. like, i was fully prepared for the irony to be a cover for someone who does genuinely care about things- but i was NOT prepared for the CONCEPT OF IRONY ITSELF to be basically the only thing about his demeanor that wasn't mostly genuine, whether dave himself realized it or not. dave has been a riot on rereads, hes like a totally different character with hindsight

on the topic of Dave Angst in specific, i have to admit- the whole thing is actually VERY subdued before late act6 unless you're actually looking for it and paying attention to dave as a character; and while i imagine this was a given for many readers at the time, who already liked him as a character and were reading and thinking about each update as it came out, to me as someone blitzing through the comic at a stage where things were starting to get complex, i COMPLETELY missed major moments that inform his problems, philosophy, worldview, fears, and general arc

because of this, a lot of the major moments where dave is actually OBVIOUSLY distressed or upset, left me mostly asking "hold on, what??? where did this come from, what is this about?????". to be fair, even back then i was pretty sure that there WAS something there that must have been set up earlier and i just missed it, but it was still kind of a confusing read. some specific examples: dave getting upset at terezi after the coinflip godtier timeline splitting debacle, his whole disjointed speech about the reluctant hero thing in the first meenah walkaround, his entire conversation with grimbark jade where he just states he's not time traveling again. those moments totally blindsided me on my first read

another moment that completely blindsided me, but which i actually Got on the first read regardless, was the long-awaited striderchat. i did not AT ALL expect the direction that went, but it did a fantastic job at recontextualizing what i had initially just accepted without question as a comically exaggerated videogamey home situation (not that much of a stretch when the final member of the party was raised by a dog in the middle of nowhere), into a traumatic enviroment that informs a lot of WHY dave is the way he is and why he used to think and approach the world the way that he did

other than that, theres a lot of Dave Angst i am still only just untangling on the reread because his anxieties sometimes stem from really esoteric ideas that i couldn't wrap my head around when i was busy trying to keep track of the billion plot threads of act5 which i was reading as fast as possible lol. but like, just earlier today i had the realization that dave's fear of death manifests MUCH more strongly in fear over being responsible over alt versions of him dying, than it does when his actual life is being directly threathened. dave would be susceptible to dumb thought experiments along the line of pascal's mugging, is what i'm saying, much more so than he would be to getting actually mugged.

tldr dave is an interesting character and i like him very much now, but boy did i not Get Him until recently

[enamoured-x]

Can I pretty please get smut prompts 1,9,14,18,19,44,62,64,102, 106,107 with Angel? I know I'm bad! 🥰😏🤤

oh my god. This got way ahead of me. I couldn’t fit in three of the prompts because I didn’t see how I could use them for what I wrote. If you’d like just shoot me another ask for them! Enjoy! (gif not mine)

Warnings: NSFW

Angel was relentless when he first met you. You were not sucked in by his charming smile and smooth words. Which only made him work harder. You had first met Angel through your uncle, Taza. You had just moved back to Santo padre wanting to be closer to your parents again. You had never met the club before but you and your uncle were always close so when you moved back he was keen to introduce you to them. Everyone was very welcoming and you started to frequent the clubhouse often. You quickly became friends with everyone but Angel was not interested in being just your friend. 

“What did you bring me today, mami?” Angel asked as you walked into the club house with a few bags. 

“I brought everyone some lasagna and cake.” You explained as you set the bags down and took out the plastic containers. You loved to cook and bake so you were always bringing your food to the clubhouse so they could try. Everyone quickly flocked over to you and you handed them containers. 

“Sounds delicious. But I think I’m in the mood for something else.” Angel whispered to you as he got closer. The guys were too occupied with their food now to notice. You would be lying if you said you weren’t attracted to him. Because you were, but you knew guys like him and you had no interest in being a quick fuck. Especially when you admired the club so much, you didn’t want anything to ruin your friendship with the men. 

“You’re not taking me to bed. Ever.” You told him as you made yourself busy with cutting the cake.

“Who said it had to be on the bed?” He slid his knuckles down your arm slowly. You hated yourself for the shiver that went down your spine. You leaned away from him not wanting anyone to see what he was doing. Angel was discreet about his advances. Of course, Coco, Ez, and Gilly knew but the older men of the club had no idea. And you were glad for it. Taza would probably lecture you all day and then kill Angel for even attempting to flirt with you. 

“Are you ever going to stop?” You asked as you finally met his stare. He smirked.

“I think you know the answer to that. Besides, I don’t think you want me to stop.” You bit your lip and couldn’t help but check him out. There was truth to his words, you knew if you really wanted him to stop you’d actually be clear about it instead of just answering his flirtations with eye rolls or laughter. 

You met his eyes again but there was no amusement anymore. He looked ready to pounce on you and you couldn’t lie and say it didn’t make you interested. 

“Did you just look me up and down and then bite your lip? ‘Cause if you did we’re having sex. Right now.” His words made your cheeks flush. You cleared your throat and looked around to still see everyone stuffing their faces and talking amongst each other. 

“Angel.” You scolded him. He was getting bolder with his comments and when and where he was saying them. He was also getting more handsy with you, like the other day at the pool. 

Your apartment complex had a pool and when Angel had asked you to hang out you explained to him you were having a pool day and left it at that. You should’ve known he’d come breaking down your door to join you. So you two lounged about at the pool. There were a few stragglers but after a while they left and it was just you and Angel. You could feel his eyes on you the second you took off your clothes and revealed your bathing suit. 

“You joining me?” You had asked him as you slipped into the pool. He was quick to take off his tank top. You tried not to focus on his chiseled chest. He swam over to you and before you knew what was happening he pulled you into him. You knew it was stupid of you to let Angel touch you and let him get away with his advances, but you hated that you actually liked it. So you would let him when no one was around. It was a dangerous game you were playing but you were convinced it was harmless.

“You look so fucking sexy, mami.” He said as he stared into your eyes. 

“Angel…” You warned him. 

“I could just pull your bikini bottoms to the side. No one will notice.” Fuck, this game was not harmless. You were kidding yourself. He pushed his face into your neck, his lips skimmed over your bare skin but he made no movement to continue. 

“Jesus, Angel. You’re insufferable.” You had the self control to push him away and he laughed.

“Just waiting for you to give in.”

“Not happening.”

“We’ll see.”

You both knew you were close to giving in. He knew you wanted him as badly as he wanted you. But you were hung up on how Taza would react to it. And he couldn’t blame you but he was ready to just say fuck it. 

Eventually you did give in though. 

You were at Angel’s apartment, making food as he watched. As much as you two flirted, you and him were close friends at this point. You were always at his place or him at yours. Which just made it all the more obvious that you were going to just give in because at this point, you were basically dating. Just without the benefits. And damn, did you want the benefits. 

“Do you ever get tired of staring?” You asked as you stirred the pasta. 

“Not when the view is this good.” He looked you up and down and you laughed. 

“You have no shame, do you?”

“Nah, not when it comes to you.” He smirked and walked over to you. He had a smooth answer for everything it was annoying. You continued to stir the pasta as he placed his hands on your waist. 

“I don’t know what you’re so afraid of because at this point, you’re mine.” You swallowed at his words. You wanted to counter that he did not have any claim over you but you couldn’t. You couldn’t because you liked the idea. And it reaffirmed that you weren’t the only one who thought you were both spending too much time together to not be anything more than friends. 

You hoped this wasn’t a mistake as you turned off the stove and turned around to face him. 

“Pasta done?” He asked with a knowing smirk. 

“Not even close.” Your words were invitation enough as he pulled you into him. 

“This is why I don’t give up.” 

“Just shut up and kiss me, Angel.” He needed no further encouragement as his lips finally met yours. It was like a dam broke loose in you and you ran your fingers through his hair trying to get closer. You were both a mix of tongue and teeth clashing. Such anticipation and it was finally happening. His hands slid from your waist to your ass as he squeezed hard and he grounded into you.

You let out a moan on his lips and he pulled away. 

“I think thats the first time I’ve heard you moan…it was like a fucking melody.” He said and then quickly pressed his lips on yours once again. You kept your lips connected as you started pushing him backwards. Knowing what you wanted, he easily lifted you up and turned around to carry you out of the kitchen and to his bedroom. His lips never left yours. You couldn’t get enough of him and were kicking yourself for not doing this sooner. When he finally made it to his room, he sat down on the bed and pulled away much to your dismay. 

“Take off your clothes.” His tone let you know he was serious now and fuck, you liked it. 

You untangled yourself from him and wasted no time dropping your shorts and taking off your shirt. 

“Fuck.” He mumbled. You smirked as you unclipped your bra and let it fall off your shoulders and to the floor. His eyes got darker. 

“Wanna help me?” You asked as you stepped closer to him. He quickly yanked your panties down and his fingers dug into the flesh of your ass. 

“You’re so fucking beautiful, fuck…” He muttered as he placed a soft kiss to your stomach. The delicate touch had you breaking out into goosebumps as his lips skimmed up your stomach and between your breasts. 

“I could drown in you.” Is all he said before he flipped you onto the bed. Jesus, you knew he had a way with words but he was a different animal tonight. 

“Are you sure? Once I start I might not be able to stop.” He said as his fingers circled your belly button. Despite your nakedness, he was still willing to stop everything if you suddenly changed your mind. 

“Yes, please, Angel.” He brought you into another bruising kiss and pulled back as he stripped. You enjoyed the free show as you tried to touch yourself. 

“Fuck, no.” Angel swatted your hand away just as he finished undressing. “My fingers only.” He said. You bit your lip as you could finally see him in all his glory. And damn, you hoped you weren’t drooling. Angel was fucking beautiful and you now understood why he had such a big fucking ego. He could definitely back it up. 

“Like what you see, mami?” 

“I would like it more if you were inside me already.” Angel swore under his breath and climbed on top of you. His left hand held him up and his right hand trailed down your body and his fingers met your core. You arched into his touch and let out a whimper. He let out a soft laugh onto your collarbone. His fingers found your clit and that’s when you grabbed onto his shoulders. He lazily stroked you until you were panting.

“Angel, please!” You were not above begging. Not right now, not after waiting for so long, and especially not with him. 

“Be patient.” He said as he trailed kisses down your neck and towards your breasts. His beard tickling your skin. When he got to a nipple he licked first and then took the nub into his mouth. You tangled your hands in his hair as you let out a moan. He sucked and nibbled your nipples as he worked you over with his fingers stroking your wet core.

“Oh god, Angel. I need you to fuck me now, please.” You pleaded as you felt the need for him consume you.

“You think you’re ready for me?” He asked and you answered him by snaking your hand down and taking a hold of his member. 

“Shit…” He grunted as you stroked him. He was fucking huge and you needed him so bad.

“I got you.” He said as he pulled your legs further apart to accommodate himself and then he was lining himself up. He pulled you in for a kiss as he slid all the way in, bottoming out. You whined onto his lips as you felt the burn of the stretch. It was so fucking intoxicating though. The slight pain and pressure. It was heaven. 

“You good?” He asked as he pulled away and moved some of your hair behind your hair.

“Perfect.” Is all you said as you pulled him in for another kiss and bucked up into him to get him to start moving. He answered with a groan and gave you what you wanted. His thrusts were slow but deep at first and then he started to speed up. As he pounded into you, you bit your lip to stop from crying out. Only letting out whimpers and don’t stop and fuck. The pleasure was all consuming.

“I know for a fact you can be a hell of a lot louder than that.” He said as he took a nipple into his mouth and bit down, not relenting in his pace. You let out your cry this time and it seemed to spur Angel on. 

“That’s right, baby. Let it all out.” He said against your skin. His fingers met your core once more and you felt yourself nearing the edge. 

“Fuck, Angel. I’m gonna cum.” You moaned as you clawed at his back and pulled him in tighter with your legs around his waist.

“You gonna cum for me? Gonna cum on my cock?” His words were only pushing you closer.

“Yes, baby. Please let me cum.” You knew that did something for him. Asking for permission to cum. That was the end for him.

“Fuck! Come, baby. Come.” Is all he needed to say as you cried out and let go. Your orgasm hit you like a tidal wave and you felt Angel lose himself too and let go inside of you. He thrusted into you slowly as you both came down from your highs. Once you felt the effects of your climax start to fade, he pulled out of you. 

“That was better than I could have ever imagined it being.” He said as he pulled you into him. You threw a leg over him and trailed your fingers across his chest. 

“You imagined it a lot?” You asked and he threw the blankets over you both. 

“Every damn day.” You snorted at that. 

“I knew you couldn’t resist me.” He added and you slap his chest.

“Do not make me regret this.” You groaned. But you were only teasing. You were not regretting it in the slightest.

“You’re in trouble now. I’m like a drug that you ain’t gonna be able to quit, baby.” 

“Oh my god, how are you this fucking cocky?” It truly amazed you. He laughed and tilted your chin up to look at him. He pressed a kiss on your lips and rolled his hips up as he grabbed your thigh that was around him. 

“You know how.” Is all he said as he once again turned you over to hover above you. 

“You’re ready for round two so soon?” You asked but you were not objecting. 

“Always ready for you, baby. I’m just getting started.” 

He kept you up all night, the only time you broke away was to find some snacks and then you were right back at it. And when morning came, well let’s just say you didn’t leave the bed till late afternoon. 

[longinglook]

I may or may not have spent my entire Sunday binge watching all of I told sunset about you and Gaya sa pelikula and now I have so many thoughts and feelings that I need to write about them so here we go! Under a read more (if tumblr allows me to) because it’s 2k words hehe

First of all, I knew next to nothing about both shows before starting them. I had seen a couple of gifs here and there, but really had no idea what I was in for.

I started with I told sunset about you, which has 3 episodes out of 5 out. All I knew is that it was going to be beautiful and possibly sad, and it was. Everything about this show is so high quality, from the audio to the dialogue to the locations to the acting, just wow. The production is better than a lot of movies I’ve seen, and every technical aspect is perfect. I am really loving the plot so far as well, I find the childhood friendship to stubborn rivalry to grown up friendship again very relatable. I think it’s a very common experience for a lot of non straight folks to develop an extremely close bond with a same sex friend when you’re too young to realize what you’re actually feeling for them until you’re a lot older and suddely the jealousy and possessivenes all make sense.

I love the recurring themes sprinkled throughout the episodes, starting from the chinese vocabulary that expresses the core thoughts of the two main characters: rival, intimacy, secret, male protagonist, as promised. They could easily be the episode titles, or the names of imaginary sections the show could be divided into. It’s a great way to integrate metaphors and deeper meaning into the plot.

That’s how most of the communication goes in this show, deep emotions are never conveyed through words because words are scary and loud and they can’t be taken back once they’re out there. The plot advances though stares and gestures and touch and gorgeous shots of the landscape. The pace is slow with hour-long episodes that could each be a movie of their own. This worried me a bit before starting, and I have to admit that at times I struggled to stay focused, especially during scenes that set the mood but don’t do much plot-wise. This is just a personal preference, though, and in no way I see it as a flaw. 

The dancing around each other the main characters do, sometimes literal, is frustrating but it determines an emotional build up that’s just starting to reach its peak. This is one of those shows that has me screaming if only they talked to each other, but the silences and unspoken words are so well directed and acted that it works. I struggle a lot with keeping in mind that they’re still in high school, they’re very young and I can’t expect them to act rationally just yet. 

I was really worried about Teh possibly going the insufferable Theory-of-love-khai way, and I am still not 100% sold on him. When he started helping Oh-aew again it felt like he was just doing it to make himself feel better about the whole thing. It was frustrating to see him so possessive and jealous while also so deeply in denial about his own feelings, to the point where he had me rooting for Bas instead. He was getting better, but then he fled at the end of episode 3 and now I have no clue what’s going to happen next. About this, I really have no idea if they’re going for a happy ending or a sad one. I’m really hoping it will be good, because so far there has been barely any emotional payoff for all the repressed longing and misunderstanding the show has put us through.

I do like their dynamic a lot though, I have a weak spot for childhood friends reconnecting and an ever weaker spot for informal mentor/mentee relationships. Oh-aew asking Teh to tutor him until he passes the admission exam was an almost exact mirror of Yuri on ice Yuri begging Victor to be his coach until he retires and I loved that a lot.

Now on to the one issue I have with this show: it feels too much like an art film. It reminds me of Moonlight and Call me by your name, in the way that I wasn’t able to connect with those movies because they are too perfect. They are so beautiful and carefully crafted that I can’t fully immerse myself in them. There’s a filter that stops me from relating to the characters and constantly reminds me that this is not reality. It’s pretty, it’s extremely well done, but it feels like art. It has some quirks, some scenes that feel too artificial. One scene in particular, the one where Teh buries his head in the paper Oh-aew wrote with his coconut scented pen to sniff it, which is a direct parallel to Call me by your name, bothered me in particular. Just as it felt over-the-top and purposefully weird in the movie, so it feels in the show. It’s a way of showcasing how a confused teen deals with attraction he barely understands, it’s raw and animalistic in a way, but it’s so quirky that all it accomplishes is to remind me that I’m watching an lgbt show. It makes me wonder if a scene like this would make sense in a straight relationship because here it seems to highlight how different and primal his attraction is. If I had to pinpoint it, I’d say that I have a problem with media showcasing queerness though peculiar, purposefully awkward scenes like these instead of normal kissing and cuddling.

Overall, I can’t wait to see how this show ends and I still think it’s one of the best bls to air in 2020, if not ever. It’s refreshing to see something with a big budget used well! So far my rating is 8/10, which I know is a lot lower than what everyone else seems to think but it’s still very much subject to change! Just hoping they won’t pull a Make our days count, but I doubt they’ll go there.

And now Gaya sa pelikula. Wow. Again, I knew next to nothing about this show before watching, and I was coming from a 3 hour I told sunset about you binge watch, so the bar was pretty high.

And boy, did this show deliver. I was blown away by the depth and the humor of it. It feels like the writers had fun taking all sorts of common tropes and stereotypes just to show everyone how well they can be evolved and made complex. Two strangers who somehow find themselves sharing an apartment sounds like the start of so many fanfictions out there, but it’s so well executed and interesting that you don’t even stop to think about how weak the premises for their meeting are. It doesn’t matter and it’s not even that far-fetched, either. The sister and the neighbor are also two characters that start off as extra stereotyped, but in just a few scenes they unveil an incredible depth and backstory. It blew me away.

Each character is so realistic. Everything they do and say makes sense, they all have their reasons and their past and they react accordingly, it’s so coherent. It’s impressive how everything takes place inside the house and you barely realize it because things happen and the plot moves anyways, and the way information about external events and people is conveyed is so seamless that you don’t even notice it. In only 7 episodes (so far) they have managed to give everyone a complex background and personality through the use of objects and small details and wow don’t get me started on the music.

The soundtrack is SO GOOD. I never really pay attention to music in shows but it plays a very important role here in my opinion and, well, it’s exactly the kind of music I like listening to and ahhh I just spent 4 hours playing the first kiss song on loop so I might be biased. Right from the start in episode 1, when Karl gives in to Vlad’s music and starts dancing to it, it’s established that it’s an important element to the mood of each scene. I love how the dancing I talked about for I told sunset about you comes back here, but while I saw it as a hesitant dancing around each other there, here it’s the opposite, it’s freeing and it’s about accepting yourself. And the end of episode 6 highlights this, with the beautiful quote “You are entitled to a love that lets you dance without fear and shame.” It made me cry a looooot.

I think the development of their relationship is masterfully done. It doesn’t happen too quickly nor too slowly. Karl goes through some needed shocks that act as his wake up call. When I’m watching bl shows I care the most about them feeling real and relatable. I don’t want to feel like they were written by a straight person trying to guess what it’s like to be gay. Now I didn’t look anything up about the Gaya sa pelikula writers, but I’d be very surprised if they were straight. I can relate to both Karl and Vlad for different aspects of their stories and their worries and thoughts. There was one part in particular that hit so close that I had to take a few breaks because it hurt too much. I am a lesbian, I’ve had relationship with a girl that lasted over a year, I am out to some friends but not all. I never came out to my parents, who are both very open minded and friends with a lot of gay people and would love me just as much if I told them, and yet I can’t. It’s not just that, I am terrified by the idea of them already knowing or being able to guess. When Karl freaked out over his uncle guessing, it hit me so hard because I’ve felt the same way so many times.

Episode 7 was amazing. I hate badly written drama the most, and 99% of shows can’t come up with any good reason for drama but they have to put it in there anyways and it sucks. This was the complete opposite, I adored it and I say this as a lover of fluff. It feels right, I think it’s an issue that would come up between two people like them. They are both right and the only thing that could happen there is what actually went down. I definitely think things will be fixed by the end and I am looking forward to it, but I am very glad this issue was included because it’s so important and so true to many lgbt people’s lives.

Another aspect I absolutely adored are the multiple references to lgbt theory and language, and Vlad has some of the best lines I’ve ever heard coming from a bl. When he tells Karl not to be afraid of the word, when he explains that “you don’t look gay” isn’t a compliment, when he scolds his sister for not acknowledging the things she used to say to him by covering them up with her ally act, those are all such important and educative moments that I hope everyone listens to. I love that Vlad is not correcting some ignorant bad guy, but it’s his accepting and loving friends and family that make the mistakes, because sometimes being supportive your own way isn’t enough if you’re not actively learning from the ones you want to support.

This is a 10/10 for me right now. I can’t find anything I don’t like about it. It never feels boring, it never feels overdone, it never feels cheap or unoriginal. It went straight to the top of my favorite bls.

And now I can’t help but compare the two a bit, because yes they are two different shows but right now the relationships they portray have reached the same point: there has been a climax and now the one who is more confused about his sexuality is panicking and taking a step back. It’s a coincidence that I watched both shows on the same day when their last aired episodes end in such a similar way, but it really leads me to compare the two. I don’t want to put them one against each other or say which one did it better because that’s not the point of this, they are both two amazing and important shows who are excelling in what they’re doing. 

Gaya sa pelikula is down to earth, it’s explicit and it’s straight to the point in explaining what’s going on inside each character’s head. It feels like watching real people deal with real struggles. I told sunset about you is a lot more subtle and quiet, and since we don’t really have a clear insight in the characters’ heads sometimes it’s hard to completely understand what’s going on with them. It’s a completely different way of narrating, and while Gaya sa pelikula makes me feel like I’m a part of the events, I told sunset about you feels like I’m just spectating from an outside perspective. They are different choices, but one of them ends up feeling a lot more emotional to me than the other.

To wrap it up, I highly recommend both shows and I can’t wait to see how they’ll end! They are both among the best shows of the year, both free of all those annoyingly stereotyped characters and plot points that most bls tend to overuse.

[electro-elemena]

Random thoughts I just had about death note

this is very stream of consciousness and was written in google notes, so sorry for the format and grammar but I just need this to be out there. Also if some parts sound like they're spoken out loud it's because they were lmao

- media needs to be interesting (check)

- if you disagree with me go look at Ryuk and then come back

- love the concept of death note. Very *chef's kiss*

- tickles the part of my brain that likes unlikely and outlandish theories and scenarios

- however enjoyable media also has to be:

- not insufferable... Sufferable you could say

- OR insufferable enough to make it funny

- death note accomplishes the condition of the second

- never finished it, realized i was running out of fucks to give and looked for a reason to give more fucks or stop giving fucks

- spoiled the ending for myself, if you've seen the ending you know why

- spoiler alert for an old ass piece of media... Y'all have your reasons and if this bit doesn't fervently convince you to watch it then it will do whatever the opposite of that is

- misa dies too. Which is unfair

- she's a boss ass bitch and a whole model??? Like

- okay tangent

- light is not a good protagonist

- I'll take a potato chip... And eat it

- he's supposed to be one of those gradual unreliable narrators

- but past the first episode you immediately realize that he is in fact a horrible person

- you could argue that the capacity to kill people without consequence given to a teenage boy was destined to corrupt him

- and that's a cynical and bleh boring take

- (but likely)

- but tbh it takes a dormant god complex in the first place for him to turn out the way he did. He obviously already thought he was better than others

- loners are only loners if everyone thinks they're worse than everyone else or they think they're better than everyone else

- chicken or the egg first sometimes y'know

- so like if you have the death note to a kind person they'd like write down Jeff bezos or something and then hand it back

- or! They could be like "i don't trust you with this" to ryuk and just keep it (but secretly be like saving it for later in case they want to kill someone else with no consequences)

- or maybe they're just in love with ryuk. Which like. I'll squint at you, and judge you silently for, but won't say anything, because I'm a nice person and not because you possess the ability to kill me without consequences whenever

- anyways so he's a bad protagonist and objectively evil

- i say this even though I usually like the villains. I love the hero but I like the villains too

- i won't condone their actions but I'll think they're hot or cool or something

- cuz i always side with the protagonist, when they're not insufferable (wonder who that could be)

- but mass genocide is one of those rare things that's not "oh this is good but it could be gray if done for the wrong reasons" or "oh this is bad but it could be gray if done for the wrong reasons" it's very "no. This is not ambiguous. Throw the whole person away"

- far less forgivable than mass genocide, however, is how he's not down bad for misa

- like??? The only reasons I can think of for him to have been written like this are

- 1) he's gay or ace and they wrote him like that as queer coding and secret representation

- cuz i know that there are many characters like that and you will never KNOW if he is or isn't

- unless like the mangaka... What's his name... Comes out on Twitter and says so

Mini tangent

- i can not for the life of me remember asian names

- i was practically raised by anime and i still can not remember them

- does not matter how much I love the character or person. I will forget it at least once or twice

- every time someone mentions a mangaka i have to check the database

- i think it's mainly because I haven't learned any asian languages, and that's the only reason I'm referring to them as asian and not specifying, because asian languages have a lot of common denominators that they don't share with western ones

- anyways I can't pronounce them so I can't remember them

- or i think I can pronounce them and then the real pronunciation is just waiting to pounce on me and make me feel like an idiot

- had that ever happened to you? I mispronounced the word cicada until I was... 17

- i was walking with my best friend outside

- which never happened because we were hermits and we never left the cave

- and I'm like "oh you can hear the ciSAHdas"

- and he was like "..."

- "you can hear the what?"

- and it's funny that out of the two of us, the AP student was the one that didn't know how to pronounce ciSAHdas

- did i just say that right? Fuck

- ciKEIdas

- anyways Carson did not do well in school, because he's the type of person that, if he does not give a fuck, he simply will not do whatever you ask

- no matter what reason you have

- so the old ass institution that "educated--

- mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell!

- "educated" millions of people crumbled at his feet, like the true being of chaos that he is

- although you could argue that it didn't do me any favors either, since, well, here i am

- and at least he knew how to pronounce cicadas! Damn!

Death note (ctd)

- anyways back to death note because we weren't FINISHED

- so he's gay or ace. My vote is for gay because of his relationship with L

- and L was another character that was treated poorly, he's way better than the early death that he got because he decided to be kind and less suspicious and i HATE that they did him like that

- for a show called death note they really did get death wrong

- funny how everyone around light ends up dying horribly

- you could argue that's because of the death not but I like to think it's because he's just that shitty of a person

- so back to light and how he's super fruity, there's actually a scene where misa is throwing herself on him as usual

- and i don't remember what she's saying, like i can't remember most of her lines

- and i don't know if that means I like her more or less than i would have

- anyways she's saying something suggestive to him looking hot as usual and he starts thinking about L

- like LMAO

- bestie, the closet is made of GLASS

- it is transparent. We can all tell

- 2) reason he could be written to treat misa like that is because it's a ha ha funny that he can't be bothered to give her the time of day, when she's a model

- he's murder sexual. He wants world domination, not pussy

- this is also a reason he could be considered ace but I just think an enemies to lovers with L is more interesting so that's my personal favorite

- anyways there's another scene where she's once again chasing after this toxic ass man

- which. Her main flaw is her absolute dog water taste in men

- so she's trying to get him to like her

- and he thinks

- LMAO

- he thinks "never before have I been provoked to HIT a woman"

- and he says it exactly like that

- which is hilarious for many reasons

- first of all

- i don't BELIEVE you

- you mean to tell me?? That with HIS PERSONALITY?? no woman had ever pissed him off as much as one being in love with him

- which, by the way, gay

- i would like to think this is possible not because of the previously mentioned "maybe he was a good person before given this power" bleh bullshit

- but because all the women had understood he was a fuckwad before interacting with him

- like they sent it to the group chat. The group chat? Yeah the group chat

- they were like bro. This dude? Bad news

- walk parallel to him at all times. Do NOT intersect

- cross the street if you see him walking towards you

- this is also why i like to think incels exist

- like they were already going to be bad and women just knew that and avoided them

- an alternative theory to the group chat phenomenon is that women instinctively knew. Like an edm... That's not the right word

- i know the word and that's not the right word

- e d... e p...

- like the thing you throw out as like a pokeball and it just makes all the electronics stop working

- like they take a break

- electromagnetic... Pulse... EMP!

- so that was sent to every woman's brain instinctively and they just avoided him

[onf-headcanons]

INSUFFERABLE PAIN

(Jaeyoung x reader - one shot )

Quick one shot for Jaeyoung x reader with scars

• I did not even a proper draft planned for this at all so deepest apologies beforehand if this one shot fic and the nuance are quite messy. So this idea derived from the Minkyun ones I was like hmm since Minkyun's story was relationship already established, how about something prior relationship being legit  though?

• And then my instinct told me Jaeyoung is the best choice for this scenario  because of his personality . So without further ado lets go

• The character setting here would be you and Jaeyoung were once classmate but you got into an accident and while you are bedridden/in progress of rehab and healing , Jaeyoung got transferred. Later only met Jaeyoung back. (University or in company if you like)

• So I will leave it up to reader where the scars should be but it needs to be visible and covers quite large area. Either stitches or faded scars or even burnt scars will do. It is flexible exclusively for you.

• You do have a few past relationships or even being teased during your school days (once you recovered) but they all did not end well because of your scars. So it kind off became a complex of yours.

• Maybe you tend to wear long sleeves or longer jeans to cover it up even when it's summer. (Due to budget issue you family could not really afford a skin graft or even due to the affected areas are to large as the reason)

• Now you and Jaeyoung have been in really good terms with each other. (On what background I will leave it to your imagination as well. I personally might incorporate this into the office au)

• He did know a bit of the accident but seeing you doing well, he thought you recovered perfectly and did not gave any thoughts about scars or side effects. It just did not come to him because he was never disclosed with the details.

• It will a lie if you say you do not have a crush and good impression of him. By working together about 2 or 3 projects, you two found out that both of you also have a good chemistry unexpectedly.

• Good looks ,check . Caring personality, check . Someone who understands and respects your pov, check.

• But now you are always in the defensive alert mode to not go one step further to all of your relationships or potential suitors

• The gang of yours all are trying to hook you and Jaeyoung up and even plays game like truth or dare just to give you two excuse to confess with each other but Jaeyoung would always stand by your side so that no one makes you uncomfortable. That is one of the good impression  and plus point part he has made

• Until the extent some of your mutual friends begin to ask you and Jaeyoung directly if you truly have feelings with each other privately.

• So there is once that you and Jaeyoung were out on a company gathering or friend gathering and there is no more bus/train back home. So Jaeyoung offered to drive you back

• It will be the first time after knowing each other for a while, that you two being alone, without any potential disturbance

• In the car its was tense because Jaeyoung is silent. Very unusually silent. Maybe Jaeyoung is the type to prefer full concentration, no distraction while driving, you thought. You know you should break the ice but again your defensive personality kicks in because you don't want to send false intentions

• Reached your apartment and Jaeyoung pull over across the road. But before you reach out to the door handle, Jaeyoung calls out your name, which made you paused.

• Your intuition tingles because you have experienced similar scenario before. Jaeyoung adjusts his posture to face you properly. He even had his seat belt unfastened, looks like he is expecting a long covnersation.

• You bite your underlips unconsciously while resting your back to the car seat but your eyes are set to your knees.

• "I just want you to know,  that everytime when we played truth or dare, I never lied about having someone in mind." Jaeyoung starts.

• "I see. " you replies while trying to stay calm

• "Y/N, I am bringing this up because I felt we have mutual feelings. If I was wrong, do correct me." Jaeyoung continues because your reply was somewhat cold/neutral.

• Finally it has come to this, you thought. And you let out a sigh. "No, you are not wrong at all."

• "Wonderful." His tone becomes brighter. You had a quick glance of him out of nervousness,he has a smile on his face.

• "But," you continue on. " I am afraid that it is best for us to remain as friends."

• The aura changes into a solemn one.

• " Can I know the reason?" Jaeyoung carefully initiates after a slight moment of silence.

• You look at him and try to sound carefree, "Well let's just say I am not good at disappointment because I tend to expect too much."

• "Anyone will have expectations towards their partner, Y/N." Jaeyoung retorts. "It will happen in the course of relationship,it just the matter of communicating between 2 people"

• Oh ya, he is not the kind to back off with vague responds. He is the type to communicate fully without sugar-coated information.  He values a frank and straightforward approach. Its his good trait but sometimes it falls to his bad trait when he is persistent.

• Knowing his personality well enough , you decided to give it all. With a little selfish hope that he will backs off and terminates his feelings towards you.

• "How much do you know about the accident I been through?" You ask him. (Not in a interrogating tone)

• Jaeyoung scratches the side of his forehead and shrugs, trying to recall, " Not much of the details, I only know you are bedridden and needed alot of time to recover."

• You then roll up your sleeves / roll up your shirt/ roll up the hem your jeans, and show him a fraction of your scars. Jaeyoung was slightly taken aback by your sudden movements but then immediately understood once he sees your scars.

• "So you did not know about these then." You show him. " What you see now, it is just a small portion of all of it."

• By observing,  you can tell Jaeyoung is trying to organise his words, but the only thing that comes out from his mouth, none other than a soft murmur of "I am sorry. "

• "Don't be, I was the one who never mentioned it." You let out a short chuckle while arranging your clothes. "Its ok, you can give it a thought."

• But Jaeyoung response catches you off guard. "A thought on what?" He asks.

• You look at him and reply bluntly, " If you still want to take a step further with me after knowing about my ugly scars. Mind you, they covers quite large area of my body."

• "Wait, what? That?" Jaeyoung's voice rises as he heard you.

• "Of course, what else could it be?" You are now puzzled

• "I don't care about the scars, Y/N. I think you misunderstood me. " he tries to explain

• "I did?" The only reply you can make out of the confusion. Normally the other party would be gross out or freak out by your scars but Jaeyoung does not seem to mind?

• "I think its my suddenly apology made you feel like I am rejecting you mentally. " Jaeyoung analyses. "Its not actually, I was feeling sorry that you had to gone to the suffering from the scars."

• "Oh."

• "You don't sound convinced." Jaeyoung is accurate about that.

• "Well, I was expecting different kind of reactions and response from you." Your hand reaches to touch one of the place of your scars. "People normally freaks out when they sees it."

• "So you were trying to scare me away." Jaeyoung finally grasps the situation. "That's not really nice but I don't blame you."

• "My bad, my previous relationships did not work out because of them and I had enough of getting hurt." You avert your eyes from his. Your hand caressing the scar part through the fabric of your clothes. "Those heartbreaks hurts far worse than the physical wounds I had. They are not just heartbreaks, they are rejections. "

• Jaeyoung reaches out his hand and gently pats your head. "You had it rough." You did not move away or brush his hand off. You covers your face while lowkey wailing

• "Are you even normal Jaeyoung? I was expecting you to freak out. But why are you so calm? They are, quote my ex, unpleasantly horrendous." You turn your head to look at him.

• "Then how would your prefer me to react? Pass out? Or screech like a maiden?" His answer made you laugh. "And no they are not horrendous, that's just your ex having a faint heart."

• "Thank you for not being grossed out." You appreciated him after letting a satisfied laugh.

• "To be frank, I was startled at first but it all make sense to me now. Bedridden, long time to recover, and never once I see you wear something short during the summer. " says the young man beside you.

• "Now you know why." You mutters.

• "But I guess when you love someone, you love everything of theirs. " Jaeyoung continues .

• You could not believe your ears of what had come out from his mouth. Blushing hard, you repeat yourself. "Jaeyoung , are you even normal?"

• The young man smiles at you and responds, "I fell in love with you like how normal people fell in love , so rest assured, I am completely normal."

• You lower your head to hide your flushed cheeks, it is still too good to be true.

• Jaeyoung reads your body language  and decides to pry further. "So I assume that you accepted my feelings and my confession?"

• "Well... you are the only one who did not freak out... for now..." You reply him with a low voice.

• Jaeyoung ruffles you hair and thank you for accepting his feelings. "Don't worry Y/N,  I won't let you go through that insufferable pain again, I promise. "

• "You better." You smiles at him, finally.

A/N : Happy ending🤭 again so sorry if the story looks messy and rushed.

Also i not sure if I will do a first time theme smut fic based on this established relationship as well. It will interesting for sure.

[myaekingheart]

You’ve Got Kudos

Written for Day 1 of the Kakashi Lounge Discord Server's September Event. Prompts: Fanfic Writer!Kakashi | Social Disaster | Modern AU | Roommates/Neighbors 

[Read on AO3] Pairing: Kakashi x Rei (OC)  Rating: Teen and Up @the-kakashi-lounge-blog

Kakashi has a dirty little secret and it's in the form of an AO3 account. No one is allowed to know that he writes Icha Icha fanfiction--especially not his library tech neighbor Rei. (Standalone companion piece to The Scarecrow and the Bell, Modern/College AU)

               Kakashi kicked off his shoes at the front door and slumped into his favorite chair. Tutoring wasn’t necessarily his favorite thing in the world but it looked good on resumes and put a little extra cash in his pockets, so he supposed he could tolerate it for a little while longer. If only his students hadn’t been quite so insufferable, that is.

               If anything, tutoring reminded Kakashi how much he hated underclassmen. His three protegees were all naïve freshman whose energy stores had yet to drain. Naruto was enthusiastic but slow on the uptake and it was hard to get him to properly focus. Sakura had potential but she was far too engrossed in her Instagram rivalry with fellow student Ino Yamanaka to make any real progress. And Sasuke was constantly brooding, there not by choice but rather because his professor threatened to flunk him if he didn’t seek outside help.

               Perhaps it would’ve been smarter to book them each separate appointments but with the way everyone’s schedules worked out, it was easier to just create one big study group. It was more efficient that way, anyway. Kakashi much preferred to kill three birds with one stone than chip away at his sanity little by little. And so every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon, Kakashi trudged to the library to pore over used textbooks and incomprehensible scribbles in an attempt to explain simple concepts to brains that could not understand. This was fine. He didn’t need a social life anyway.

               Kakashi rubbed his tired eyes and checked the time. It was 5:30pm. He had no idea what he was going to do for dinner, nor did he really care. Sighing, he reached for his laptop and went straight to his email. At the very top of his inbox was a notification from Archive of Our Own: Comment on Icha Icha Bloodline. Kakashi’s heart jolted. In the solace of his apartment, this was his one saving grace: fanfiction.

               He admittedly felt a little ridiculous about the whole thing. What college guy not only wrote fanfiction, but for romance novels at that? He knew exactly how his taste in literature appeared. So few people truly understood the nuance and artistry of the Icha Icha books, writing it off as just cheap porn. Those books, however, gave Kakashi exactly the reprieve he needed. Within their pages, he could disappear from the stress of everyday life to instead revel in the throes of a dramatic fictional romance. His love for this series knew no bounds. His heart ached to share it with someone but if college had taught Kakahsi anything, it was that people never really change and are more than willing to judge you the minute you express any personal interests. High School: The Sequel, if you will. And so Kakashi had come to learn that there were only ever two places where he was safe to unapologetically indulge in his favorite series: within the comfort of his own home and on the internet.

               Fanfiction was never his original intention. Rather, it was the end result of a long string of unfortunate circumstances. The latest book had ended with the heroine caught between two very tempting suitors, a cliffhanger of epic proportions which left Kakashi itching for a resolution. A few months after publication, the author, Jiraiya, passed away, taking his secrets for the series’ finale with him.

               Kakashi had tried so hard not to think about it but the lack of closure ate away at him. He needed a valuable outlet through which to ramble, a way to confide in someone as invested in the series as he was. For a moment, he had considered joining a book club but all of his attempts failed. The only clubs that ever focused on books like these were run by sexually frustrated middle-aged women who sneered at the mere thought of letting a man into their circle. On recommendation from a friend, he turned to the campus library community for help but was met with nothing short of disaster, which thus introduced the second point of contention: Rei.

               The library check-in desk was notoriously run by volunteers, most of which were majoring in library science themselves. One such volunteer was Rei Natsuki, a junior with fiery hair and a chronic resting bitch face. It wasn’t that Kakashi didn’t like her, necessarily. Actually, every time he saw her he got this horrifying fuzzy feeling in the pit of his stomach that insisted he was about to throw up. He felt as if her eyes were on him constantly, studying his every move. This fact only furthered his gratitude for lumping together all of his tutoring appointments. The less time he spent in the library, the less often he would have to see her.

               Not that she was necessarily easy to avoid. Just his luck, she lived three doors down from him in the same off-campus apartment complex. At least if he timed things just right, he could avoid running into her in the hallway. Their mutual existence was like a very carefully choreographed dance on perilous terrain. They were constantly at risk of colliding with one another, a harrowing and horrifying fate.

               Their first encounter was in the fall of his freshman year when he snuck into the erotic fiction section searching for the Icha Icha books. As he skimmed the titles, he felt a pair of mossy eyes burning holes into his back like a cryptid whose domain has been intruded upon. When Kakashi turned around, he caught her peering around the edge of the bookshelf. Her expression was one of harsh focus and concern. “Looking for something?” she asked. For someone so small—she was roughly a foot shorter than he was—she was certainly terrifying.

               Kakashi’s face turned beet red, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. “No, not particularly!” he exclaimed. “Just looking around!”

               “Hrmph” Rei huffed, unconvinced. “Well, if you need anything, I’ll be right over there” she pointed to the help desk at the front of the library. An older woman, one of the librarians, winked at her across the room and Rei’s face turned bright red. Without another word, she scurried off back to her station, grumbling under her breath. Once gone, Kakashi sighed and leaned back against the shelf. All of the books directly behind him tumbled to the ground with a loud thud. Rei immediately whipped around to glare at him but by then, he had already dove into the nearest study room. Frustrated, Rei stomped over to assess the damage and begin reorganizing the shelves. Kakashi apologized to the group he interrupted before booking it out of the building. It was in that moment that he officially decided: from that point onward, Icha Icha would remain his dirty little secret. Literally.  

               And thus came along the internet. At least there, hiding behind his computer screen, he could retain some sense of anonymity. He could disguise himself with a pen name much like wearing a mask. No one needed to know who he was. He pored over various forums, reading but never interacting. As refreshing as it was to find a sense of community amid other Icha Icha fans, his joy quickly faded when he realized one fatal flaw: no one knew what they were talking about. They all misinterpreted the characters, the relationships, the actions the heroine took to get to this point. Perhaps Jiraiya’s novels were too nuanced. Perhaps there was no hope for him after all. It was then, deep into a Reddit thread, that it dawned on him: the horrifying promise of writing fanfiction.

               At first, Kakashi refused. He would not stoop so low. The harder he resisted, however, the more appealing the idea slowly became. At least in this way, he could help people to better understand these stories in a way that he was familiar with. Not that he was an avid writer himself but he hoped he was familiar enough with the conventions of fiction to understand how it was done. As if running on autopilot, he ventured to Archive of Our Own and created an account under the pseud “CopyNin.”

               His fanfiction, Icha Icha Bloodline, introduced dramatic new themes and conflicts to the story he loved, expanding on the love triangle with a depth and sincerity that he hoped would make Jiraiya proud. It hadn’t gotten many hits yet, but that just made every kudos and comment feel that much heavier. As his cursor hovered over his inbox now, he almost questioned whether he even wanted to know. Every shared thought had the capacity to make or break his motivation. But if he didn’t look, he wouldn’t be able to contain himself. He needed to know. He pulled up the latest comment and his heart leapt into his throat. It was from LittleBell.

               LittleBell was, for lack of a better word, iconic amid the Icha Icha fandom. They were one of the first writers Kakashi had encountered when he first considered fanfiction as a possibility. Their name appeared in dozens of forum posts, attached to both praise and criticism alike. By the time Kakashi looked into them himself, they had already written 100,000 words worth of fic with the longest piece nearing 100 chapters. It was clear why they were so popular. The cadence of their sentences, their detailed characterization, and their dynamic plot points all made Kakashi’s heart sing. He could only hope to one day be as great a writer as they were.

               Kakashi had lurked through fifteen chapters before, in a fit of sleep-drunken gumption, he had decided to leave LittleBell a comment. It was short and sweet and afterward, Kakashi groaned into his pillow second-guessing every sentence, but he awoke to an encouraging response that firmly cemented the allure of writing a fic himself. And now here he was, faced with a comment from them on his own work. How could he ever prepare himself for something so huge? He instinctually expected scathing criticism. Your characterization sucks. You’re writing them all too flat. Her suitors would never say XYZ or do ABC. Have you even read the books? This is trash. Kakashi’s hands shook as he tried to shove those negative thoughts out of his mind. LittleBell had been so kind before so, realistically, why would their response be any different? Kakashi scratched the back of his head, knowing that the longer he waited, the more maddening this was going to become. Without another moment’s hesitation, he forced himself to view the comment.

               This was so great! I love the way you write these characters—I can tell you have a really deep understanding of the heroine, especially. It’s so refreshing to read a fic that not only retains the romance of the originals but also emphasizes it in a way that’s super meaningful rather than cheesy. My favorite part was the scene where she’s fixing his watch. “It’s really an exquisite watch. Such a shame that it’s stopped working.” “I guess that just means that we’ll have to stay in this moment forever” “What will everyone else say? They’ll get tired of waiting.” “Let them wait. I’m always late to everything anyway. What’s another eternity?” My heart! You can really tell just how much he loves her, and it makes that love triangle all the more tense and heartbreaking! You’re really just doing an incredible job with this and I can’t wait to read more!”

               Kakashi’s cheeks burned as he buried his face in his hands. It was all he could do to hide the grin on his face. Not that anyone was there to tease him for it. Pakkun was fast asleep on the couch and likely wouldn’t have cared anyway. Alone in his apartment, Kakashi was exploding. To think that someone so talented and renowned within the fandom not only noticed his work but enjoyed it was mind-blowing. This was a high he would surely be riding for the rest of the week, if not the rest of the semester. Nothing could be better than this.

               Once the debilitating excitement wore down a bit, Kakashi was then stuck with the battle of writing a response. He knew there were some in the community who considered responding a controversial topic—something about trying to increase your comment count—but Kakashi enjoyed replying to every single person who took the time to say something nice. And this was certainly something very nice. How could he possibly put into words his overwhelming gratitude? He had no clue. Kakashi stewed over the prospect for a solid ten minutes before his growling stomach urged him to hurry up. He had completely forgotten he was hungry but now his body was not going to let him forget. He considered stepping away and replying later, after he had time to chew it over, but then quickly shoved away the thought. He couldn’t afford to put this on the backburner at the risk of forgetting about it entirely. No, he needed to do this now.

               Kakashi typed, paused, considered, then backspaced and typed again. When he was finally at least mildly pleased with his response, he sucked in a deep breath and pressed Comment.

               Huffing in relief, Kakashi stretched out and leaned his head back against his chair. All that was left to do now was wait. Would they even respond back? He didn’t know. Sometimes a comment began a whole conversation, other times it was a singular instance like a comet in the night sky.

               But for now, he was going to try not to dwell on it. He received LittleBell’s praise, and if they were to respond back then so be it. It was all up to fate now. Kakashi slipped on his shoes, shoved his phone, wallet, and keys into his pocket, and headed out. As he locked his apartment, he heard without listening as a door down the hall creaked open. The sound reached his ears but his brain did not register what it was until it was too late. Turning around, he abruptly bumped into her.

               A gasp fell from Rei’s lips as she collided with Kakashi’s chest. Her half-open backpack swung on her shoulder, spilling its contents onto the floor. “S-sorry about that!” he croaked, clearing his throat. Kakashi’s hands shook as he leaned down to help gather her belongings, all the while fearing her wrath. Among the used textbooks and stuffed notebooks was a green paperback with a big prohibition sign on the cover. The little bell charm attached to Rei’s keychain jingled and automatically Kakashi was punched in the gut with a realization of Pavlovian proportions. Little Bell.

               “I-I’m sorry…what was that…?” Rei stammered and suddenly Kakashi realized he had, in fact, spoken aloud. Her voice, in response, was so much quieter than he had ever thought she was capable of—filled with the striking fear of being vulnerably and intrinsically known. Unmasked.

               Kakashi’s eyes widened as he shuffled to gather as many of her books as he could manage. “I-I didn’t know you liked the Icha Icha books” he murmured. He could hardly make eye contact as he handed her back her things.

               “Yeah…” she said, slowly accepting them, “They’re, uh…they’re my favorite.”

               Rubbing the back of his neck, Kakashi chuckled nervously and replied, “Mine, too.”

               She wasn’t sure what it was about him but in that moment, a sickening feeling filled her chest, a nauseating suspicion that she couldn’t shake. There was really only way to confirm whether or not those suspicions were correct. At the risk of looking like an idiot, she cleared her throat then and said, “You know, that’s a really exquisite watch.” Kakashi froze, his eyes gently skating down to his wrist. He wasn’t wearing a watch. His heart pounded in his chest. Rei bit her lip, dropped her eyes to the floor. “It’s, uh, it’s a shame it’s stopped working.”

               Kakashi’s mind was reeling. None of this felt real. Suddenly Rei was a completely different person to him now. He saw her not as the terrifying, impatient, and indirect girl from the library but the extremely talented, encouraging, yet perhaps unfortunately shy writer that he had spent so much time idolizing. If only he had known of the bond they secretly shared over the past few months. He could hardly fight the grin on his face as he murmured back, “Then I guess we’ll just have to stay in this moment forever.”

               Rei’s cheeks burned as she hugged her books to her chest. She could feel the laughter rising up in the back of her throat—this was so ridiculous, and yet at the same time this was everything she had ever wanted. If only Kakashi had truly known how much she had suppressed over the years, since they first met in the library. The way the old librarian encouraged her to speak to him when she caught him perusing her favorite books. The way she’d hide out in her apartment whenever he left for class, watching from the window too scared to approach. The way she channeled all of her unrequited love and inner turmoil into the very story she now knew he idolized. She felt so strange and vulnerable but also for the first time truly seen. It was the most bizarre and lovely sensation.

               She had no idea how long they actually stood there in the hallway like that, reveling in this newfound connection, but all too soon reality suddenly hit her. “D-do you have somewhere you’re supposed to be? I don’t want you to be late!” she exclaimed.

               Kakashi, however, still entranced, shook his head and replied, “Let them wait. I’m always late to everything anyway.” Rei brushed the long bangs back out of her face, completely incapable of stifling her laughter. Kakashi joined her—the breadth of his smile, the bravado of his voice, the way his eyes squinted when he laughed, all were enough to make her weak in the knees. “Are you hungry?” he then asked. “I was just about to get something to eat. You should come with me.”

               Sliding her books back into her backpack, Rei smiled and replied, “I would love that.” Swinging her bag back over her shoulder, she walked alongside him down the hallway. Their fingers itched to interlock, their hearts pounding out of their chests. He opened the door for her and together they stepped out into the autumn air. Nothing else mattered. In that moment, all that existed was them: CopyNin and LittleBell.

[a-jumped-up-pantry-boy]

The Secret Stealer

Trees took graceful waltzing steps and swayed their leaves as the breeze hummed a secret tune, while striped and spotted dresses lackadaisically bobbed from one side of the street, which was coloured only in varying shades of brown, to the other, much like ducks on water - only without any purpose. They brought a much needed shock of colour to the otherwise miserable location, although many would insist that the plain street was charming, rather than personalityless. Inside the whimsical tea-shop, the interior of which was far more resplendent, and generally more pleasant, than the exterior, teacups danced between their owners’ hands and the saucers they paired with, creating an orchestra of clinking crockery, delicate spoons tapping against the sides of cups as the beat, and the main melody being the hums of appreciation from the grateful customers as they sipped their drinks. 

“Thank you, sir, but I’m rather sure this topic is just far too complex for a woman to understand, no matter how competent you are at explaining it. Might I propose moving onto an alternate field of conversation, instead?” An asinine creature giggled and twirled a lock of honey coloured hair around a perfectly manicured finger she spoke, leaning across the table under the guise of reaching for the sugar pot to send a simpering smile at the way of her companion. 

“Of course, Miss Alward. I understand completely; this topic is very complicated and you’ve far too much to think about without me trying to make you ponder something much too difficult for your brain. I imagine all your time is spent choosing new dresses, yes?” Her companion spoke considerably louder than she did, his arrogant tone attracting glances from many people at other tables. 

“Well, what other activities would I be partaking in?” The young woman readjusted her skirt, flashing her ankle at the man who sat across from her for only a second, and giggled, a light sound that could come only from a head filled completely with air, glancing at him to make sure he took notice of her guilty show of ankle, looking satisfied when he continued to stare down at her feet. Drawing small circles with her left hand on a small piece of paper covered in patterns, she used her right to stir her tea as she continued to smile at him, seeming to have no aim other than to win a touch of her hand or a predatory leer disguised as an adoring smile from him. “The weather is very pleasant at the moment. I imagine your mother has been having many garden parties at the moment?” She continued to glance up at him from under her eyelashes every few seconds while he spoke. 

“Unfortunately not. She’s been rather sick recently, and has been confined to the house, but she’s sorely missing all her parties.”

“Perhaps I could pay her a visit soon, to lighten her spirits?” He nodded and smiled at her again, as if she'd said something particularly endearing, and began talking extensively at the poor girl, making the mistake of assuming she held any interest in the least important aspects of both his and his mother's lives, simply because she'd made a polite inquiry, and incorrectly presuming her vacant smile, which was actually just covering her wandering imagination as she completely ignored every word the verbose man threw at her, was a sign of deep interest. As he began to talk about his third butler’s recent antipathy to the ducks in his lake, she felt overcome by a deep lassitude and began nodding in time to his lilting speech, contemplating how long it would take her to drift asleep that evening if he sat beside her bed later, still talking, and she observed the shambolic tweed jackets that contained women heaving stacks of books along the street, leaning against Picasso painted parlours and shooting sardonic smiles at the candy coloured dresses who stared with horror at their hair, clothes and literacy that they displayed with shocking confidence. Soon his stream of conversation, although really it was like a vicious river that never ended, moved onto a new topic, and she repressed a sigh, wishing she was imprisoned anywhere but that tea-shop. 

A dress, made of light fabric where blues mingled in with browns, wandered along pathways that would be impossible to navigate, had the wearer not basically grown up in those woods, whilst the girl trapped inside it fiddled with her gloves and parasol as she wandered, staring at the sky and trees. Eventually she strolled into a clearing, flinging her arms open wide, dramatically greeting the other girls who resided there, hanging from trees and perched on rocks. The only woman there who was older than 25 made her way towards Clarissa, while a girl followed from behind her, shooting a grin towards her friend. 

“Why, pray tell, does your dress have the contents of a teacup over it?” The woman asked, her eyes running over the stained dress a few times before she stepped forward and began scrubbing it with a handkerchief that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere. 

“Mr. Lowood was the most tedious character I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting, and I had to spill my drink over me just so I could escape his company. Oh, Anne, why did you send me there?” Clarissa cried, stepping back from Anne’s rough hand and gently scrubbing at the dress herself, scowling at the persistent stain. 

“Away with the dramatics, for Goodness’ sake. I’m hoping you found out something useful before you decided to jump ship?” Anne just gave the girl a disapproving look as she began to dance around the clearing while humming, then singing her message.

“His mother is sick, so I shall pay her a visit soon, and hopefully in her delirious state she’ll accidentally give us some information. And his butler, the third one, hates their geese and ducks, so perhaps if we threaten him with some aquatic birds he’ll-” 

“Any other helpful information?” Anne’s question was greeted simply with a fast shake of Clarissa’s head and a disgruntled look at being cut off before she could finish her duck-based proposal. “Then I suggest Miss Reid accompanies you to change out of your dress,” she finished, then glanced at Clarissa once more and swept off to go and discuss matters, most of which were secret, with one of the other young women. 

“This role is insufferable!” Clarissa muttered, stalking through the trees until she reached a sheltered spot, stopping underneath and struggling with the fastenings on her dress. “Whenever I gather secrets, I’m treated as nothing more than another silly little creature they can exploit and then abandon. Of course, I’m not, but it’s demeaning to have to pretend to be dim just so that I’m considered pleasant company.” She finally undid the buttons and pulled off her dress, glaring at it as it sank to the muddy floor in a depressive heap of heavily starched fabrics as if it was the sole reason she was forced into something that made her so unhappy, immediately stepping into another with no care for its delicacy, only being more careful with it after she heard snapping threads. 

“Surely you realise what you do is important? Without you, I doubt we’d be able to...persuade men to do what we want. A business of secrets is barren and useless if there’s not a soul collecting the secrets. What did you discover today, at tea?” Catherine calmed Clarissa’s intense fury almost immediately, her soft breeze, which matched the soft ringlets that framed her face and light colours she always wore, putting out the fires Clarissa’s tenacious temper wouldn’t fail to set alight. 

“At the expense of my happiness, peace and feeling of any emotion other than eternal boredom, I collected a few secrets. Nothing on their own, of course, but paired with the facts I’m sure I’ll discover during my meeting with Mr Lowood’s mother, there’s not a single situation I can imagine in which we fail. I don’t want to dwell on the possibility that we might fail; this is an important mission, even I understand that, for all Anne doesn’t trust me, and there’s an awful lot that seems to be resting on my shoulders. Mr Lowood seems about as harmful as a spaniel, but I’m sure his acquaintances could damage us if they saw fit, which they would if we threatened him. Truly, there’s no room for error.” Clarissa had by now fasted her dress and was pacing around the clearing, gesticulating wildly, while Catherine sat on the edge of a rock, smiling slightly. 

“I’m certain nothing will go wrong; you’ve prepared for this mission for so long now, you have a plan for every possible error. And besides, Anne trusts you, you know she’s awfully fond of you, and she doesn’t trust many people. You’re truly a special creature if she has faith in you. However, she has nothing but stern feelings towards me, that must be why I’m still only allowed to sort through correspondences, the most tedious task of them all! But, tell me more about Mr Lowood’s misdemeanours,” Catherine answered, more eager about Mr Lowood than she had been about any of Clarissa’s previous cases, although she was sure that was just because she’d complained more about him than anyone else, and so of course her friend would be more intrigued by him. As she quietly uttered the secrets, careful nobody else could hear, she began tugging on her gloves, which seemed to be bound to her skin, mindful of the delicate spot by her thumb where a hole had broken the last time they had an argument, and which had been shabbily mended just after they made peace with each other. After Clarissa had finished discussing the “insufferable, eternally mundane Mr Lowood'' with Catherine, her friend suddenly dashed off, and she was left standing in the woods alone. 

Rain, laced with knives shot down, soaking Clarissa to the skin as she ambled away, alone. 

The secrecy was difficult for the women of the society to live under, as the pressure often suffocated them, which wasn’t unexpected, as they were forced to leave the entirety of their lives behind to become someone new and help the movement. This secrecy, a burden that all of them carried, flowed through their veins constantly, becoming a part of them, until it was difficult for even them to be able to tell the difference between the lies in their lives and the parts that were true. This secrecy had broken families as easily as dried leaves, their cracks on display to everyone else in their circle to observe, for as good as these women were at hiding, they could hardly hide from people who were as good at lying as them. This secrecy had caused women to pull away from their families completely because of the lies which comprised them so entirely, they were nothing but a series of stories.

Anne sat in a different clearing to the one all the younger women congregated in, bathing in the melody of the river tumbling over the rocks that inhabited it, thanking the stars that were just emerging that she didn’t have to assimilate any more information about the most fashionable style of dress, or listen to anymore mindless chatter that the girls pertinaciously assured her wasn’t utterly inane. Clarissa stumbled into the clearing, soaking wet. 

“Why is it that I play this role, rather than someone else?” Clarissa’s voice was soft, not with anger - her anger was blazing and impossible to miss, it scorched the Earth and nothing was left untouched - but with confusion. Her hair, wild after sprinting through the trees in the way she so loved, curled around her face, not framing it as a beautifully decorated picture frame would a masterpiece, but surrounding her face as a cloud of smoke would an explosion. 

“Many of the other girls want this role because they want to feel important. You, however, care nothing for the opinions of others. You wanted this, although you don’t anymore, because you wished to change things. These girls, of course they hope to witness and cause a change, but your sole purpose is to set things alight and rebuild cities after the flames, and this is a fact you’re well aware of,” Anne stated, her focus shifting from her umbrella to the girl stood in front of her. 

“What about Catherine? Is she not filled with a flame, as I am?”

“Catherine...possesses a warmth, not a fire. Her wish is to change, but she has not the drive, nor the passion, that you do. A role, any role, isn’t suited for her any more than a life of complacent marriage is suited to you. She resents me for my observations, and yet she doesn’t aim to disprove them. That’s how I’m sure she’ll never burn as bright as somebody with a scorching soul will.” At Anne’s words, Clarissa nodded her head, never arguing with her statements about her friend. Catherine was dear to her, the closest companion to her soul she suspected she’d ever have, but she wasn’t tempestuous, possessing no storm behind her eyes, no wind to stoke the embers in her heart, no soul that seemed to drive her every move. 

“When we first started this, my dearest friend and I, we thought it would work perfectly. We fit together as opposite pieces of the same puzzle. But there was a fantastic upset between us, and we discovered we weren’t from the same puzzle at all. Her shades of blue for the sky was actually the colour of the sea for me. We were so contrasting. She wanted to use the information we found to ruin gentlemen’s public image, while I wanted to use it to...convince them to do as we pleased. An enormous case, the one that finally snapped the last threads between us, was with a middle aged gentleman on a big council, with a plethora of people he could influence. We’d made it known to him that we had news of a scandal concerning him, a very secret one I doubt even his wife knew about, and my wish was to use this information to persuade him to add three women onto the board of the council, and to publicly support our ideals for equality so people would listen, for without a voice-”

“We can never gain equality. Anne, that expression seems to come out of your mouth more and more these days,” Clarissa’s tone was jesting, but her countenance had turned grim and there wasn’t a hint of a smile anywhere except her mouth. 

“I say it because it’s true. As I’m sure you know, because your work does a great deal for us and our case.,” Anne shot Clarissa a meaningful glance, but she was too busy glaring at the river as if it were responsible for all her troubles to notice the look coming her way. “While I was eager to be more persuasive, my companion simply wanted to blacken the name of the mayor. I suspected she wanted to seek revenge, as opposed to making a legitimate change, and I said as such to her. My accusation excited her greatly, and before we knew it we’d spoiled the entire plan by causing a rift in our friendship. The mayor was unaffected, because our force wasn’t enough to make a difference as just one person, and it was many years wait before another chance came in which something could be done.” Throwing herself up again, Clarissa began striding across the river, alternating between kicking dirt into it and pulling leaves off the tree that shadowed over it, her mouth set in a firm line the entire time. Without either of them realising it, the rain had stopped, and as suddenly as the drops had stopped pummelling the Earth, her face cleared again, divested of all worry and anger that had overtaken her just seconds before. 

“How can it be that what I do is important? Surely-” As she spoke, her clear expression remained, and her tone was thoughtful rather than virulent. 

“We use information we’ve gathered to prevail upon authority to make the right decisions. There have been arguments that what we do is culpable, that threatening to sully a gentleman’s reputation for our own gain is unladylike or disreputable. But in such circumstances where we have no power, we must use whatever opportunity that comes our way to gain some semblance of authority, which we cannot do without means of control. By collecting the secrets, you give us a way to enforce that control.” Clarissa nodded throughout the entirety of her guardian’s speech, sitting uncharacteristically still.

“I suppose I should pay Mr. Lowood’s mother a visit and gather some secrets. I do enjoy this, I admit. It sometimes feels irrelevant, almost, what I do. But, I suppose you’re correct, and it can be of some importance, even if it doesn’t seem it.” Although she was prepared to leave, pulling her hat back onto the mess of curls and pushing her fingers back into her gloves, she remained in the clearing, some matter of deep thought overtaking her features and causing her expression to look even more vacant that it did when in the company of Mr Lowood. “What happened, after your disagreement with your companion?” 

“Although we tried to come to peace with each other, we were far too different, and we ended on unhappy terms. It’s wrong, but I can’t say I’m upset with what occurred. We only caused each other vexation.” Anne glanced at the girl, who was once more lost in thought, as she strolled out of the clearing, her expression betraying nothing other than cogitation. 

Many weeks later, seated in the parlour Mr Lowood’s estate, listening to his unsought after explanations as he began to sort through a shambolic bookshelf in search of an illustration of a butterfly she had no interest in seeing, Clarissa adjusted her hair and surreptitiously peered at the clock, praying more reverently than she had ever done before that it was finally 3 o clock and Catherine was close to arriving, so she could persuade, or blackmail, Mr Lowood to publicly condone the women who protested for jobs and equality, and to publish complementary features in his newspaper about their doings. An echoed ringing of a bell was heard by Clarissa, and no sweeter sound existed in that moment, and only seconds later an efficient housekeeper bustled in, announcing the arrival of Miss Catherine Reid. 

As her friend walked in, Clarissa felt more confident, standing up, although nowhere near the height of Mr Lowood, and searching his face for a sign of confusion or fear as she spoke, but finding none. Still, she persevered, darting a glance over to Catherine to check that she was indeed saying the correct things. 

“My dear Mr Lowood. I have heard recent news which rather shocked me, entailing details of your dealings with The Times Newspaper. Of course, I don’t suspect any accusations which charge you with publishing false, slandering reports of your rivals to be true, but it would be an awful shame if this information was heard all over respectable society. One could say your reputation would be ruined, just as your competitors’ were. I should hate for this to happen, and I dare say such trouble could be avoided with just a few simple acts from you.” Although Clarissa was threatening the man, he seemed awfully complacent, and she risked a glance over to Catherine to try and see if she had an explanation. A feeling of suspicion and inevitable trouble bloomed inside her at the smile Catherine was giving Mr Lowood, a suspect grin shared between people with a plan.

“Unfortunately, such accusations definitely are false, my dear Miss Alward,” Mr Lowood laughed, not sinister in any way, but disconcerting, taking into account the situation, nonetheless. “However, I also have heard what I’m sure are untruths concerning your relationship with important members of society. Dare I say you are a secret seller? Or a secret trader, whichever term takes your fancy. Your companion, Miss Reid over here, has been having very interesting conversations with me. How much you can learn when talking to somebody. Just as you learnt so much about me when you visited my mother, an elderly sick woman whom you manipulated. Your methods are rather sly, aren’t they? Of course, you’ve convinced yourself it’s for a good cause, but taking advantage of vulnerable members of society and then blackmailing people such as myself isn’t particularly virtuous.” Here he broke off, staring at Clarissa as she watched her world crumble. Catherine, a girl she was utterly assured was her friend, had betrayed her, selling her secrets on. She searched throughout her mind for answers as to why she would betray her as one would search for a missing sock: desperately, and to no avail. Although she was in an undoubtedly serious situation, in which it would be incredibly inappropriate to laugh, she found the irony of the situation amusing. A secret seller, having her secrets sold on to the very person she stole them from? 

“Catherine?” Clarissa muttered, and staring right at her with no remorse on her features, no sentiment of apology, Catherine just nodded at the silent allegations and questions of guilt. 

“I never was of any use. You complained about your role continually, but at least you were important. I was disposable, utterly forgotten in the tide of everyone else,” she said, a humourless laugh escaping her lips, although the only one smiling was Mr Lowood. 

“Now, we can’t have women strutting around, believing themselves to be important, or superior-”

“We don’t wish for superiority, only equality. Surely that’s an admirable motive?” Clarissa interrupted Mr Lowood, her temper suddenly switching from hilarity at the irony to fury at the injustice. 

“Maybe admirable to you, but if I’m to be tainted in your quest, then I disapprove. Now, I’m sure we can come to an agreement and you can forget your trade of stealing secrets, yes? Get married, live life as a mother rather than a rebel,” Mr Lowood continued to grin as he spoke, enjoying the situation far too much for Clarissa’s liking. “Of course, you can choose not to agree, but by doing that, you’ll be resigning yourself to a life of imprisonment. I have great influence over judges, and I’m sure a jury wouldn’t take kindly to your case. Do you agree?” All Clarissa could do was nod, but as she did so, she noticed that her glove, which she’d been pulling on nervously, had ripped, a hole breaking out in the exact spot it did the last time it broke.

@sharing-a-room-with-an-open-fire Thanks for reblogging the November prompts list because I wrote this using it (the prompt I chose was historic)!

[gothamslimpestwrist]

s1e3 the balloonman

killcount: 

davis lamond: ronald danzer, bill cranston, dog walking lady (on accident), cardinal quinn

oswald cobblepot: mob mook who tried to sell him back to fish, dish washer @ bamonte’s

butch gilzean (offscreen, on orders from fish mooney): “natalia” (falcone’s girl), “lazlo” (fish’s lover)

episode total: 8 total count: 20

the dark knight rises: lots. this is the first vigilante villain in the show, and the response to him going after corruption foreshadows a city willing to accept the protection of a batman. the cops are bad; we see cranston, who beats suspects w/ his “partner o’brien” (a trophy). harvey goes out of his way to emphasize that cranston’s not that bad, which is probably true for cop standards. he beats a suspect in custody and a drug dealer he’s got a deal with. and that’s not nearly the worst of the shit this city has seen. oswald returns and sees a kid picking pockets, a cop taking “protection” money, a mugger running off with a purse, and some hookers soliciting, pretty much in the same 30 seconds. 

the city is sick. it needs someone. 

on bruce’s end, though, he’s like...legit not doing so well. he’s starving himself now, and he’s obsessed w/ the pictures he got of his parents’ dead bodies. he says he’s looking for clues (to which alfred snarks, “oh, so you’re a detective now?” ...yeah, the World’s Greatest Detective), but if you think about the sword fighting scene, alfred is trying to turn the “training” into something productive and channel bruce’s feelings, but bruce repeatedly states that he doesn’t want to do this, while alfred continues to hit him anyway. alfred is trying, you know? but he’s not yet a substitute for a real parent, much less a psychiatrist. he’s the one who pushes bruce toward actually training and fighting and repressing his emotions, rather than going to a therapist and being treated and learning to move on. i would argue that one of the things the first season does rather well is illustrate alfred in that role--bruce has, perhaps, the potential to become batman from the start, but alfred is the one who pushes him down that path by closing down the other ones.

gotham, in its infinite subtleties, does two more things with the balloonman: set up bruce’s “no kill” rule (although the gentle art of making enemies does this again and better) by having him comment that, because the balloonman killed people, he was no better than the criminals. (to be fair, this is more acceptable coming from a sheltered, traumatized 14 year old who just saw his parents murdered than it is from jim, a literal murderer, who espouses the same logic), and establish the need for batman with the question by reporter: “now that the balloonman is gone, who will defend the people of gotham?” 

who, indeed.

(sidenote: this has been a set piece since episode 1, but i did want to discuss the oath of the horatii in the wayne manor living room. i took art history once in high school and it made me insufferable for the rest of my life.

so, like, the painting depicts 3 brothers pledging to defend this city state with their lives--very subtle. but also, as backstory, of the 3 brothers, only 1 survives to actually do that. i would argue that this is sort of a showcase to the origins of batman. three potential defenders: thomas wayne, jim gordon, and bruce. thomas wayne, obviously, is dead. jim isn’t, but we all know that eventually there will be a moral failure that ends with his ideology also failing to protect the city. meanwhile, bruce will “survive” to become the dark knight....

oh, and the lady in the corner crying over there is the sister of these brothers, who was to be engaged to one of the men who they’re going out to kill. no matter who wins, she’s going to lose someone she loves, and i think that’s also about bruce’s path for the show... he can save the city or he can’t, but no one is coming out of this happily.)

continuity: oswald makes it back to gotham. now shit gets serious <3

he weasels his way into the dishwasher position at bamonte’s, maroni’s favorite restaurant. we meet maroni, falcone’s strongest competitor, who we heard of last time. oswald’s just a dishwasher for now... but he’s got plans. moving on up. meanwhile, both maroni and falcone make vague references to arkham, without yet revealing why it’s important. it’s just this Thing, and it’s gonna change the city. jim is confronted by montoya, worries about the way that she and allen are investigating the death of oswald. harvey says, “end of the day, nobody cares about cobblepot.” oh, if only he knew what the one piece of the puzzle could do... if only he saw things like oswald, in fact, who affirms, “gotham needs me! i am its future!” he’s... partially right. but not just you, sugarpot. really, mostly, bruce.

fish’s lover lazlo returns for the dead; fish has him killed for “bringing down the mood” after the beating he got in 1x2. so there’s confirmation; those tears weren’t for him, they were for what the action from falcone against her signified. fish turns montoya and allen onto jim gordon for cobblepot’s murder (in an act that comes full circle--penguin having started this cycle of revenge by turning montoya and allen onto fish and the gcpd at large for the murder of mario pepper), while mostly trying to push them against falcone, just a little. 

on a less plot-y note, lamond was a juvenile services worker whose last straw was the mayor using the childsnatchers from last episode to lock up gotham’s youth. so, 1x2 directly caused 1x3, and dollmaker caused 1x2. the wheels turn...

oh! and jim places selina at the scene of the wayne murder. so that plot moves.

sliding scale of barbara kean’s sanity: the stress of living with jim gordon is starting to get to her. she tries to lift him up, but once he’s gone, she gets high. montoya visits, and they rehash some old history before montoya tells her that jim killed oswald cobblepot. so that’s out... she also kisses barbara, and cracks are forming in her stable facade. how much longer can she last?

jim gordon trauma count: he falls like 20 feet onto a car. he should be a lot more fucked up than he is; lamond makes almost the same fall and breaks his neck. i think he at least got some cracked ribs, or something. 

characterization: interesting one for jim. we explore a bit of the way he thinks; he’s troubled by the fact that people only cared about what the balloonman was doing (in such a way that they were moved to stop him) when he killed a cop & not when he killed a corrupt politician, bc he thinks Murder Is Wrong. at the same time, the first guy really wouldn’t have seen the inside of a jail cell. so what does that mean for jim’s ideology? he clings to The Law bc that’s what he thinks separates good and bad--but that’s a copout (cop out, haha). that’s the moral complexities of a child, james. if he clings to the law, then he has someone else deciding what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s moral and just. but what if the laws are bad, or can’t protect people, even when upheld exactly to the letter? what then? jim got so used to following orders that he forgot how to make his own moral code--or he’s too scared to. But, we see hints of him doing it anyway. he’s troubled when barbara tries to praise him for his heroism, but maybe just bc he broke the law & got away with it. “everyone matters, or no one does” is a good start, jim. just examine who the laws are really made to help. 

for oswald: he gives his name as paolo to maroni when he’s trying to gain his confidence. i made a meta post about this on my other blog (which i plan to link in my next post), but the short version is that, for me, the name recalled paolo malatesta (a historical figure, but most notable for being one of the sinners in dante’s inferno), who was once said to be “a romantic sort, a man not really interested in the world around him.” ...this being oswald’s cover name when he wants maroni to think that he’s not paying any attention to what goes on around him at all. there’s also the more tenuous link of him giving his name as “dmitri,” which is derived from the greek goddess demeter, to the fish mook who recognizes him; demeter being the goddess of fertility, health, law, gotham’s future...

gobblepot: “hello, james. old friend.” oswald comes back to gotham and the immediate first thing he does after ensuring his sneaky little scheme is visiting jim--before gertrud, no less. and at jim’s girlfriend’s apartment. hm!!!

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Αιώνια αγάπη (DT. AU) pt.4

04: Fraternizing with the enemy

Summary: A blast from the past, body painting and a possible threat?

Warnings: swearing, implying smut, angst

Word count: 3000

Αιώνια αγάπη (DT Modern Greek god/frat! AU) MASTERLIST

Special thanks to @godlydolans for being in the story as Yashi Singh

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1389 years ago

"It took us three fucking years to get her to this point! Don't mess up now!" Hermes whisper shouts, pushing Apollo.

Apollo shoots his brother a disapproving look, followed by a subtle sneer.

"And I actually...like this one." Hermes admits shyly, almost as if he's ashamed of himself too.

Apollo's eyes widen, nearly popping out in shock and disgust for his brother.

"You like...a...human?" Apollo gags, shaking his head vehemently. The very thought nauseated him. Humans were never anything more than flesh to Apollo, not even now.

"We're meant to use them as a means to an end, not actually develop feelings, brother!" Apollo speaks matter of factually, still in disbelief that they're even having this conversation and only minutes before admitting the truth to Yashi Singh, their current reason for squabble.

"She's not...insufferable like the others." Hermes defends, only getting a backhanded slap from his brother.

"If you focused more on the task at hand, maybe we wouldn't be spending our immortality chasing mortal women in vain!" Apollo adds, turning back to the door in an instant once he hears them open.

A woman of mere five feet and seven inches walks in, lips pursed and that tiny freckle on her cupid bow a little more visible with the action. Black braids fall about Yashi's face creating soft shadows under her cheekbones, but the rest of her hair flowed down her back like black ink of a tilted piece of parchment. Her eyes are black, not soulless nor lifeless. Instead they are like two pristine stones of onyx, that light up with a purple flare when touched by candle light.

She tilts her head, revealing one of her golden earrings with one of her braids joining flowing ink on her back.

"Why are you here?" Her sharp tone takes the brothers by surprise, finding it unusual for she was nothing if not a classy, gentle soul. Hermes deemed her to be a hopeless romantic, while Apollo always knew despite her gentleness that she's also very stubborn and short tempered. It's unusual due to her heritage, Athena being her root to Mount Olympus, but they didn't think much of it.

"We needed to talk to you about something very important." Hermes speaks first, not giving Apollo a chance. He is the one that cares for the potter's daughter after all. He admired her pottery skills and even more her beautiful sketches. Her artistry demanded his respect and attention.

"If it's about you being gods of Mount Olympus, spare me. I know of your lies now." She lifts her head high, accentuating her sharp nose with the move, not failing to see the brothers pale once she uncovers their schemes in a simple sentence.

Six words...they knew it was over in six words.

"How?" Apollo asks, noticing Hermes is rendered speechless.

"Athena told me. It was enough for me to see through your lies and I can't believe I let myself care for either of you." Yashi puffed, turning her head to the side trying to forget how they affected her from the start.

The pull was undeniable, so pure and so strong that it took the breath from her lungs. The very first time Hermes smiled at her, she nearly had an orgasm right then and there, let alone when she let him take her in every way possible. She would have taken him as a husband without a second thought, but his deceit had made her heart close for him and there was nothing but a mist of hate in her heart and mind for him now.

She'd forgive his lies had they not mortified her pride and claimed her honor.

"Athena?" Apollo frowns, his incredibly handsome features darkening once he realized that the gods themselves are working against him and his brother. He couldn't understand how or why, wondering why that happened.

"She came to me in a dream and told me all of your dirty little secrets. Now I must ask you to leave at once and never return or the next time I see you I won't be as merciful, nor will my fiance." She dropped the news of her engagement on the brothers, ordering them removed from not only her home but city as well, effectively taking their chance of going home and crushing it to dust.

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Present

"I have rules, so listen up." Y/N licks her lips, trying not to stare at the rock hard abs that basically invited everyone's attention. It's impossible not to stare when two guys with godly physique are half naked before you.

"No touching while I work. Keep the chatter to a minimum...and bend your knees." She adds the last bit with a blush when Grayson's smile grows wide and alluding.

"Bend my knees?" He chuckles at her, suggestively raising his eyebrows and Ethan flicks his shoulder for the flirtation.

"So you don't faint, frat boy." She rolls her eyes at him to cover up how fast her heart is galloping inside her chest.

"Sure. But I can't promise to be quiet." Grayson bites his lower lip before smirking, forming a small dimple Y/N never noticed before, mostly because she both avoided to stare at his face and his company. Her eyes are enthralled with him.

His eyes were like crisp toffee drizzled in melted chocolate and framed with darling lashes. A button nose and burrowed cheekbones, his appearance only to die for. She couldn't help but notice leathery, nearly black strands flopping over his face which to her distaste are veiling some of his enticing features. So perfect, yet so frustrating that she could bear no social contact with that sensuous man.

"Fine." She huffed, reaching out and pushing back the loose strands of his hair back in place. It was an instinct more than conscious action, one that took her by surprise just as much as Grayson.

She blinked fast, realizing what she did, quickly gathering necessary paint to start her work on Grayson so he could let her poor heart rest.

"You know, I never liked this rule about KDRs and Kappa's not interacting." Grayson begins, his eyes flickering from Ethan who laid back on her bed in his underwear and fidgeted with his phone and back to Y/N and her laser focused gaze that burned his thighs thus making his job of keeping his downstairs in check much harder.

"Why is the rule in place anyway?" She looks up briefly, biting down on her lower lip to continue her work. She choose a turquoise paint, a blend of baby blue and green - colors they both love. She remembered that about him.

If that's not fraternizing with the enemy, what is?

"You don't know?" Grayson smirks, averting his gaze to the ceiling for a moment before deciding to inform her thoroughly.

"When Kappa's and KDR were first formed, our leaders were actually in love and dating. However, when they broke up, Kappa's house burned down the same night and Kappa's always blamed our frat for it. Since they didn't have a house and they refused to move in with KDRs as rules demanded, the Kappa sorority was out of commission in Dartmouth for the next two years, but they didn't stand idly by until KDR went down with them. They planted evidence and got our leader and two more members expelled from school and ever since then, the rule remained. It's to remind us that love can turn to hate and partnership to vengeance." Grayson explains, taking note of her small pause when her hand covered the last of his legs and the tattoos he acquired over the centuries.

"Sounds like Romeo and Juliet had they lived and gotten a divorce." She mussed, but her mind was all over the place. She must write it down in the Kappa's book, the sisters should know their history.

"Something like that." Grayson confirms, wiggling his hips lightly which prompted Y/N to giggle.

"Settle down Shakira, I'm done in a few." And with a few giggles in between, she finished Grayson and beckoned Ethan to stand in, deciding to paint him white and black. He always exuded a black and white aura in her mind.

"Do you ever miss home?" Ethan asks, knowing she's a freshman and probably has parents back home who love her.

"I...don't. My father's never home and my mum passed away a few years back." She answers, swallowing tears when her mother crossed her mind. She misses the people, but not the big, empty house.

"Do you?" She inquires before either brother has a chance to offer their condolences or pitiful looks she's used to receiving, but hates nonetheless.

"I do." Grayson interjects, looking to his brother.

"I don't." Ethan shrugs, like none of it hurts him. But he didn't lie.

Hermes likes Earth. He likes indulging himself in all earthly pleasures, women in particular. He's also very bitter about the last couple of years he spent in his world when he worked for Hades, his uncle. Hermes was his successor in case something happened, which made him gleeful. But when Hades took his sister Persephone as his wife against her will and tricked her to stay in the underworld forever...that really made everything impossibly hard for Hermes. He tried to save his sister, he fought for her freedom for he loved her and wished her to have a choice in those she spends an eternity with.

But he failed and he never forgave himself for that.

The only reason why Hermes would be interested in going back is to kill his dear uncle Hades and claim his throne, but never because he misses home. As far as he's concerned Mount Olympus can burn and all the treacherous gods that abandoned him and his brother can burn with it.

But that's not the only reason why.

Hermes doesn't think any girl will take him over Apollo, the actual patron of love and beauty and art. It's a complex from the past where Apollo was worshiped for his good looks and Hermes was more of a worker bee than worshiped by anyone other than the working class and the gods who appreciated him for being a messenger...and well, the dead who needed to cross over into the underworld who found him to be comforting and kind, despite his job. He liked his job for it gave him a chance to travel not only in this world, but other dimensions, however, it does leave one scarred and confidence damaged. He knows his fate is to live and die on Earth and he's made his peace with that.

"Oh." Y/N's unsure what to say, noticing some tension rise in the room, not wanting to start anything between the brothers. She focused on the task at hand, working her hands and her magic on Ethan's tattoos in order to cover them up, finding them just as dark as him.

She always felt Ethan has sharper features than Grayson. His cheekbones are more defined and his eyes are a little more intense which is why he's more intimidating than Grayson, but his entire body gives off a darker vibe, something she can't quite put her finger on, but knows is there.

"I, uh. I should warn you Blair had a video of us singing One thing and she wanted to use it against you." Ethan's words freeze her, making her nails dig into his sides unintentionally.

"Had?" Y/N's eyes connect with his. Ethan's expression was pleasant, with an inkling of wistfulness, while the soft glimmer of his lucid eyes betrayed the poet and the dreamer. He'd never admit it out loud, but he liked the bit of pain her nails caused.

"I may have stolen her phone and set it to factory settings." He glances at the phone he was so taken with previously, bringing about the brightest smile on her face. It destroyed any ounce of worry that overtook her features previously, making him very satisfied with himself.

"If we weren't in a house full of people who'd burn us at the stake, I would hug your mischievous ass right now!" She whisper shouts, jumping on her tiptoes ever so slightly from happiness.

"Your smile is reward enough." Ethan smiles back, genuine and soft for her.

Grayson clears his throat, ending their moment and reminding Y/N to keep working before someone suspects something.

Once done, the boys were all asked to leave and a very annoyed, tomato red Blair congratulated the girls before leaving them alone to their own devices.

Y/N immediately returned to her room, jumping to her bed with a deep sigh. She felt her mind wander like crazy, bouncing between two brothers who both seem to be interested in her which made the matter at hands much worse.

Even the sheets smelled of them after they spent hours rolling on them and she still couldn't force herself to change them. Grayson felt like - spring. He smells clean, like laundry and flowers freshly picked from the garden. Ethan is more musky - like autumn. His smell reminds her of earth after rain, the leafs and a touch of very expensive cologne.

She heard a peck on her window, making her roll on her stomach and lift her head only to find Grayson on his window with a large white paper and black letters she couldn't read properly until she stood and approached the window.

CHECK YOUR PHONE

Y/N furrowed her brows in confusion, turning to her bed to grab her phone only to find a message.

Grayson: Took the liberty of adding my number to your contacts. Hope you don't mind.

He actually types full sentences instead of using abbreviations? I knew I like him for a reason.

Y/N: As long as it remains between us, it's not a problem.

She knew it wasn't right, but how can something so wrong feel so good?

Grayson: Wanna tell me about the art in your room?

Y/N looked around, finding only three paintings and all three looked different. One was a simple red rose, the other a cliff and the third...the one she liked the most was of the ocean at breaking dawn.

She stood up, closing in on the painting, watching every detail for it reminded her of something...of someone. And that's when she sees it - initials...her mother's initials in the bottom right corner.

Putting a hand to the initials, she feels her bottom lip quiver and her eyes brim with tears. There are more ways to immortalize your stay in a Kappa's room and her mother chose art - what she did best, her greatest passion.

She plops on the bed, staring up at the painting.

Y/N: It's my mum's. The ocean one.

She sniffles, seeing dots appear on her screen that indicate he's typing his response.

Grayson: Your mum was a very talented artist. That belongs in a gallery.

Smiling softly at the screen, she glances over her shoulder at Grayson who still stood at his window and he didn't bother hiding it or playing games with her. He's not running from the interest he's shown her and it's refreshing.

Y/N: Thank you for talking to me about this...I might have never seen it on my own. I owe you.

Grayson: Nonsense. I'm just happy you have a piece of her with you. Sweet dreams, pretty girl.

With the last message, she smiled at him, getting his famous tiny wave in return.

She turned the lights off, falling asleep with ease for the first time in a long time. Little did she know she'd be haunted in her dreams now as well.

Standing in darkness, Y/N found herself weary, but not scared. Not really.

"You're finally here." She hears a gaunt voice, turning in circles to find the source but failing until a spark of dark purple appears at her side and a woman takes form.

She stood before her, as clear as anything she had ever seen before, behind her a dark ocean turning wavy and a moon brightly shining, which in turn illuminations her face into almost a ball of light. Her eyes are emerald green, eclipsed by her pupils, her skin as pale as the very moon above her head. Her curved, nearly black lips resembled a smile, the black of her hair cascading down her face which perfectly matches her lavish black dress.

"Who are you?" Y/N whispers in wonder, feeling an unexplained connection to the woman before her, one reminding her of a connection she felt toward the gorgeous twins.

"Your past." The woman reaches out, her icy cold fingertips touch Y/N's shoulder, the black nail polish standing out against her skin.

"Your present." She starts to circle Y/N, her touch bringing shivers to Y/N's body.

"Your future." She steps before her, grabbing both her shoulders almost violently before a sneer-like smile takes her face.

"I am you and you are me and together...we'll bring the world to its knees."

Y/N wakes up, sitting up instantly. Her body drenched in cold sweat, her clammy hands shaken and her body numb and tingling from the nightmare...it felt too real.

Looking to her window, she sees Grayson's asleep, barely covered with sheets and a lot of the paint still clinging to his body. It helps her mind unravel and shake the dream off.

She sits in her bay window, watching Grayson instead of the sky until she lulls herself to sleep.

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Tags: @mutuallynotmutual @lanadeldolans @xalayx @accalialionheart @gia-kerks @historyheart  @heeydolan @heyits-claire @daddygraysonsbitch   @fallinginlove-16  @lanadeldolans @beautifulfound @thearachna-kid  @dinnerwiththedolans  @graydolan12 @justanotherfangurl272 @dxlansfxck  @godlydolans @flowery-dolan

[winterknight1087]

Flower from the Fae (ch 36)

Chapter Title: Return of the Karen

Summary: Virgil likes plants, but when he goes to investigate a plant his friend, Remy, tells him about, he doesn’t exactly check out the plant. Little does he know that the handsome man he meets there is a fairy who is about to challenge the world Virgil knows.

Word Count: 2703

Chapter Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit, cursing, Sympathetic Remus (mention)

Chapter Pairings: Analogical

AO3 Link      My Writing

A/N: this is chapter 36, so read the first chapter here! 

[Trenta4SandBeing]: wat happened at that party of y’alls? [sent at 1403]

[FairySweetCookies]: A lot. Why? [sent at 1404]

[Trenta4SandBeing]: V has been off since coming back. Wat happened? [sent at 1404]

[FairySweetCookies]: Mothman told him about a rumor. I’ll see if Virgil is willing to talk with me. [sent at 1406]

Logan pulled up Virgil’s contact and called. “Lo? What’s up?”

“Virgil,” Logan answered. “Roman is getting on my nerves, so I was wondering if you’d like to go get coffee with me.”

“What has his royal dumbass done this time?”

Logan looked around his study, thinking. “Just his normal antics. Can’t get him to work.”

“Ah, I was a bit busy…”

“Oh, if you would rather not…” Logan wasn’t sure what he was doing and had no game plan as he thought to himself, Great wings help me.

“Actually…” there was a paused. “Did you happen to look up the records?”

“Yes, but I couldn’t find much, Virgil.”

“Can you bring them? Please?”

“Of course, Vee.”

“Do you want to meet there or here?”

“I think out there will be better for you right now, with your nerves still frayed. See you at the diner and we can decide where to go afterward in about twenty minutes?”

“Sure. I’ll see you soon, Lo.”

The call ended and Logan let out a breath. Last time he does an impulsive action like that again.

[FairySweetCookies]: I’m going to meet with him. Hopefully, I can help calm him down. [sent at 1414]

[Trenta4SandBeing]: Let me know how it goes [sent at 1415]

Logan swung by Roman’s study before popping off into the human realm. “I’m going to visit Virgil. You are to finish off that report. Understood?”

“Ugggggh,” Roman moaned before noticing the file that Logan held. “Oooh, what’s that, Lo?”

“My finished work for the day,” Logan answered, attempting to sound disinterested in it.

“Why do you get the interesting stuff?” Roman whined. “What did you get that’s in a classified folder!”

“Roman, all of my folders have classified on them. Now, get to work. I want that work done by the time I get back. Understood?”

Roman pouted that his diversion didn’t work. “Understood.”

Logan nodded and left for the human realm. He had to concentrate on the small section of the fairy circle that would make it seem like he hadn’t randomly appeared, but by now, he was confident in that act. He had to wait a few minutes before Virgil appeared. He didn’t have Gala with him, which concerned the advisor, but he didn’t say anything as he stepped over the circle and followed Virgil to a little coffee shop.

Logan could see why Remy was worried; Virgil did look off. He hadn’t brushed his purple hair, so it wasn’t the nice swish. He looked like he hadn’t slept since the party. He was even more jumpy than normal, responding to almost every sound. Logan really wished that he hadn’t introduced Virgil to Robert. It was supposed to be fun, but it appeared to have the opposite effect on the man.

“You get us a table and I’ll go get the coffee? Black, two sugar, and dash of milk?” Virgil asked as they arrived at the coffee shop. “Do you want anything to munch on?”

“You have my coffee preferences memorized already? No to the pastry, thank you though.”

Virgil blushed but nodded as he headed in to get the coffee. Logan took a seat at a table, mildly pleased that his partner understood his coffee preferences, unlike Roman who always gave him some fancy complex drink or Patton who always put too much sugar and milk in on accident. He sighed as he set the file on the table, wondering what he was going to even say to the anxious man. It took a few minutes before Virgil returned with their coffees and a plate with two pieces of chocolate cake.

“Great, even the barista knows I’m struggling,” Virgil commented, slump into his seat. “She insisted I accept some cake, saying stuff about her favorite customer’s brother needed a pick-me-up. She was giving me this pity sort of look too. I may be struggling with the idea that I’m cursed and whatnot, but I don’t need the pity.”

“It is alright to tell those who care about you that you need help, Virgil,” Logan said, softly.

He rubbed his face. “You’re eating one of these slices. These are too sweet for me to eat both.”

“Very well,” Logan answered. “Do you wish to discuss what I found now or just sit for a little?”

“Let’s see it.”

Logan handed over the file. He could see the disappointment in Virgil’s face as he looked over the few pages that the advisor had scrounged together. Virgil started to read what was listened while Logan mindlessly munched on the slice, finding that he agreed with Virgil that it was too sweet. Patton and Roman would absolutely love this though.

“Great, nothing,” Virgil commented, shutting the file. “Ugh, why didn’t I ask him what the woman’s name was?”

“I spoke with a couple of fairies, and no one had any clue about what Robert said about the purple-eye curse, so there is that.” Logan offered.

Virgil planted his head against the table. “This is just like that cursed box all over again.”

“You could ask…”

“No. Thomas has made it clear that he did not want to discuss this with me, Lo.”

“I could try…”

“I don’t see that working either, Logan. Maybe I’m just overreacting once again.”

“YOU!”

Logan and Virgil both jumped as a furious looking woman stormed over. “It is you!”

“Pardon?” Logan asked, looking over her, confused.

“I don’t know what you did, but you ruined my life!” she shouted. “My husband left me and took my children! No one takes me seriously anymore! All because of something you did!”

“Pardon? I do not recall having met you before.” Logan answered, startled.

“YOU DON’T REMEMBER ME!” She screeched. “YOU ARE A TERRIBLE BEING WHO DOES EVEN CONSIDER TO REMEMBER WHO HE TRICKS!”

“Lo,” Virgil whispered softly. “She’s the woman whose dog killed Gala’s mother. Remember?”

“Ah,” Logan suddenly nodded. “Karen Smith, was it? What makes you say that I am the reason for your decline in life-pleasures?”

“So now you remember! Not that it matters anymore.” She announced, smiling brightly as if she caught him. “I don’t know what you did, but my new boyfriend went and fixed whatever it was you did!”

Fixed? There’s no way someone could have just fixed his little trick. Logan carefully let his magic reach out and touch this annoying pest. He didn’t even feel a trace of his magic. If this was the same woman that had annoyed him that day, she should still have a trace at the very least. How did…

“Look, ma’am. I have no idea what you are claiming. I had suggested that you go after your dog before it got lost in the woods. You left my companions and me after to go find it.” Logan answered, frantically trying to figure out what happened.

The woman sneered at him. “I will find out everything there is to know about you, and I will ruin you for what you did to me, you hear? I will ensure that your work fires you and you never find a job again. I will…”

“Hey, Karen. Shut up and go away.” Virgil finally said. “Go take your shit out on some manager or whatever it is you Karens do. It’s not our fault your ass got dumped and lost your three children to some lucky bastard who realized he was better off without you. Stop threatening us and go the hell away.”

She stared at the man, shocked. Never in her time in this town had this freak ever raised his voice at anyone, and he just decides to speak to her like that! She turned her fury onto him, though both of them knew she didn’t have as strong an argument as he was self-employed and owned the land his house was on. That doesn’t mean she can’t scream at him until he takes all of that back, though.

Logan watched Virgil’s eyes flash as his magic sparked. “I. Said. Go. Away.”

Her eyes went wide and without another word, she was practically running away. Logan gulped as he started to clear the table, telling Virgil that they had to leave now. Virgil was irritated but did go inside to get a small to-go box for the remaining cake. They quickly left and headed towards the greenhouse.

“Vee, call the sandman and shifter,” Logan said, as they walked. “Have them meet us.”

Virgil caught something in Logan’s voice so he did so without argument. Both seemed surprised but agreed to meet them at the greenhouse. Virgil swung inside his house and collected Gala from where she was napping on the couch before heading into the greenhouse where Logan was pacing.

“Uh, Lo?” Virgil asked, setting the kitten down. “Karen is basically harmless. You need to breathe.”

“It’s not just about that insufferable human, Virgil. Let’s wait for your friends.” He answered.

It took Remy and Dee ten minutes to arrive. They instantly knew something was wrong from the fairy’s pacing. They thought it would be about Virgil, but both realized that this meeting was going to be about Logan and whatever was on his mind. Remy still planned on trying their best to find out what had Virgil in his stupor, but if the normally stoic fairy was worried about something, they would at least hear him out.

“Alright, what’s up, boi?” Remy asked, leaning against a table.

“That insufferable woman, Karen Smith. What magic does she have?” Logan demanded.

The three friends looked at each other before Dee answered. “Uh, none? We’re the only supernatural in the town. Why?”

“That day she and that dog of hers came to the hill, she offered her name and I used it,” Logan answered, returning to his pacing. “It was simple: whenever she tried to scream at someone about something that wasn’t their fault, she’d admit something about herself instead. Yet, she came up to Virgil and me at a coffee shop and had no trace of that trick.”

Dee raised an eyebrow. “Gee sounds like you deserved to be yelled at then.”

“No, there was absolutely no trace. Even if the magic had come to an end, there would still be a trace or hint of my power.” Logan answered, staring at his hands. “Sandman, you understand what I mean.”

“Sand Being. Screw gendered terminology.” Remy answered, automatically. “But I do understand. Is it possible she was wearing some iron or made her own fae deal?”

“Both are possible, but that doesn’t explain why there was no trace,” Logan answered. “Plus, unless she made some deal I was unaware of from someone at court, a fae deal wouldn’t override my trick.”

“She mentioned a boyfriend. Maybe he knew some spell or something?” Virgil offered, startled by how all of this was going.

Remy looked at Dee. “You’re the anti-fae expert. Do you think something like that is possible?”

“As far as I’m aware, no, but for something as trivial as a minor curse, there has to be something.”

“Wait,” Virgil finally cut in. “Uh, useless idiot here. Why is this such a big deal?”

Logan looked at his partner. “Virgil, she gave me her full name and I cast a trick on her. Something like this is strong magic. That’s part of the reason your shifter friend loathes the fae. As far as I am aware, there is nothing that could have broken that trick unless… unless…”

“What?”

“No… but it could…” Logan muttered to himself, returning to his pacing.

Dee watched the fairy pace. “Unless what, pest?”

“A strong hunter…” He answered. “Has there been any…”

“No, no sightings or warnings from any of my contacts in surrounding areas,” Remy answered, thinking about every message they’d received recently.

“Do either of you have any idea then?” Logan asked.

Remy and Dee glanced at each other, asking the same question. Virgil considered it as he pulled over his grimoire. He whispered the word fae with his hand over the book. It frantically flipped to a section. He looked over the information, before giving a small shrug, having done about all he could think of, reminding himself that he was learning so being useless was supposed to be the norm.

“You said that it is Karen Smith?” Remy asked.

Logan nodded. “Yes, that is her name.”

“Dee and I can keep an eye on her.” They said, thoughtfully. “I can use my magic to touch her memories and see if I can find something. I’ll just have to check and see if she’s still in her home and if not, where she’s staying. Dee, you think one of your little strings are up to investigating?”

“Sally should be able to follow her, no problem. If pest over here is telling us the truth, we’ll need to see what’s happening soon.” Dee answered.

Remy nodded before looking at Virgil. “Alright, on to you. What gives? I hear that you got to meet Mothman and you kept it to yourself?”

Virgil gave Logan an angry but also terrified look. “What did you tell them, Lo?”

“Same thing we ended up telling Roman and Patton. We met Robert and he told us about a rumor.” Logan answered.

Dee raised an eyebrow at them. “You trying to keep secrets from us, Anx?”

Virgil groaned as he rubbed his face. “And if I am?”

Dee blinked in surprise, not expecting that sort of answer. “Virgil, are you alright?”

“At this point, does it even matter?”

Logan pushed aside his own mental struggle regarding this Karen, as he turned the purple-haired man’s head towards him. “Virgil, no matter what is happening, it is always important how you are feeling. Dee and Remy care deeply about you. So do Emile, Remus, Patton, Roman, and me. I know what Robert said was… shocking, to say the least. While these two look into the Karen situation, you and I will continue to look into what he said. Believe me though, Virgil. Even if there is a connection, it doesn’t change that you are not that woman nor how we feel about you.”

“But…”

“No buts. Not only will you summon Remus, but there is nothing to but about.” Dee answered. “We won’t make you talk about whatever you’re upset about but know that we will not think differently about you, Vee. Well… if you killed someone, we would like to know, just so we can start forging evidence for your alibi, a grave, and other stuff.”

Virgil rubbed his face. “I didn’t murder anyone, Dee. Still, thanks. Anyways, you two probably should get started looking into Karen, the walking meme.”

Remy looked over their friend before looking at Logan. “Keep an eye on him, boi.”

“I don’t need someone keeping an eye on me, Remy,” Virgil muttered.

They shrugged before giving him a look over their sunglasses. “Gurl, when are you going to learn that this is just something that comes with being friends with us? I mean come on, gurl! I’m your longest-serving best friend at… what are we at now? Eleven years? Damn, nope, not considering that I’m getting old.”

“I didn’t realize 26 was old,” Dee commented, unamused.

“Bitch, shut up and go get your snake,” Remy answered before looking back at the fairy and witch. “We’ll let you two know what we find out.”

“Thank you,” Logan answered. “I will keep an eye on Virgil.”

“Excuse me, I’m standing right here!”

“Yes, but Dee and Emile have our group’s collective two brain cells, so communication with the other group’s singular brain cell is most vital,” Remy answered, grinning.

“If you don’t have the brain cell, why are you allowed to communicate then, Beach Dirt?”

“Gurl, I swear. And I exist out of spite and coffee. No brain cells needed.”

Logan rubbed his head. “And I’m losing mine listening to this nonsense.”

Dee snorted. “Welcome to my world, pest.”

Next Chapter

Taglist: @that-one-nb-kid, @hufflepuffxfox

[ohjohnno]

Outrageous Fortune Reviewcap: S1E06 (”But Never Doubt I Love”)

Fuck the Hongs.

Yeah yeah, I know. I’ve said this before. And when I said that the worst was over, I meant it. But the fact that this episode’s Hong stuff is not the worst stuff we’ve ever seen from them doesn’t mean it’s any good. Suzy Hong’s consistent one-dimensionality was irritating from the moment we first met her, and it remains irritating now. Even the hamminess of the acting is, by this point, beginning to wear a bit thin.

Van’s plot in this episode is a whole lotta fuckin’ irritating nothing, which is infuriating, because there’s actually potential here for more. Having gotten Suzy pregnant with a boy, a couple of theoretically interesting threads are kicked off: firstly, Van finds himself a prisoner of his masculine indoctrination, convinced that he needs to try, in some way, to be the father to the baby that will eventually result; secondly, Tracy Hong, daughter of the elder Hong, finds herself a prisoner of the patriarchal culture to which the Hong family holds, knowing that the son gestating in Suzy’s belly has just leapfrogged her in importance. But Tracy gets about one line on this subject before it all devolves back into dumb sex jokes and cattiness, and Van just ends up bleating “but what about me?” to either Suzy or Tracy just about every time he’s on screen with either of them. Tracy and Suzy end up making up - remarkably easily, actually - and Van drops the issue in favor of another sex joke. Blech.

The one good moment in his plot comes courtesy of Wolf, who is consistently fucking hilarious this episode. Emphasis on “fucking” - he’s really horny up in there, opening the first scene after the cold open by telling a clearly very awkward Cheryl about how much he wants her, and this horndom hasn’t faded by the time a panicked Van visits him in prison, flailingly trying to ask his dad for advice on what to do after getting a girl pregnant without actually admitting that he’s gotten a girl pregnant. Wolf has his suspicions about that (obviously), but he’s a bit too horny to follow through on them; he just ends up lovingly, pornographically telling Van about the night he got Cheryl pregnant with him and Jethro, and his face is truly a fucking sight to see. 

As usual this season, Van’s plot only serves to drag down what is otherwise a solid episode, although this one is a little too transitional for me to really love it all the way. It is, however, an important milestone in one real regard: it’s our first introduction to Ted West as an actual character, rather than a fountain of endless age jokes. It also retroactively makes his behavior in the former episodes more interesting, because it suggests that there was more to it than met the eye.

After a particularly unfortunate incident involving a yoga trainer at the community center, Ted is left in Loretta’s care for an afternoon, and she takes him to the video hut so she can look after him while continuing to rake in that sweet pirate cash. But a woman catches his eye and he vanishes. It turns out that this woman is an old friend of his, and the exact manner of that friendship is one of the most interesting early moves this show made.

Firstly, Ted’s supposed dementia immediately vanishes when he meets this woman, which suggests that he’s been using his old age as an excuse to, first of all, essentially pull pranks on his family (hilarious) and, secondly, to molest women (not so hilarious). But as it turns out, there’s more to it than even that. Ted’s old friend Margaret is, so he reveals, actually a trans woman who used to go by Mark. 

Now, I’m pretty sure the actress is a cis woman, which is unfortunate, but the writing here is actually pretty interesting. Ted has no concept of the idea of “transgender” - he’s never even heard the term before - but the idea of prejudice doesn’t even occur to him; Loretta has to painstakingly explain to him that trans people face a lot of discrimination, and he seems quite taken aback. He accepts Margaret without even the slightest hint of any doubts or judgement, and it turns out there’s something deeper behind that, too. Margaret, before transitioning, was Ted’s cellmate, and it doesn’t take long for Ted to admit that the two had a romantic relationship therein. It’s a fascinating subversion of the usual prison-gay-sex jokes, actually, because while Ted does make the usual excuses - “You’ve got to understand that I was away from Rita for a long stretch” - he also seems really genuine in his love, and the transition of the person he loved in prison does not seem to have dimmed his love whatsoever. 

And that, in turn, brings us to the ever-complex Loretta.

Loretta is, at first, totally okay with her grandpa’s new choice of friend: “she’s an okay chick, for a bloke,” she says, and while that’s, erm, inartful to say the least, she is at least the only character who demonstrates any knowledge of what transgenderism really is and what it means to be trans. She understands that gender identity is distinct from sexuality, understands the prejudice they face, and is the only one to use the phrase “the transgender community”. 

And that all makes her behavior this episode all the more troubling, because the moment she gets any hint of the notion that there might be something deeper than just friendship going on here, she is nauseated. She gets paranoid about it at first, largely due to some insufferably homophobic mockery from Kurt at the video hut, and when Ted confirms her fears and tells her he’s been deeply in love with Margaret ever since she went by Mark, she’s just outright horrified. She might be the smartest West, but she's at least as instinctively, latently homophobic as Van, and knowing what she knows about Ted actually drives her to a state that can really only be described as homophobic panic.

She panics so hard, in fact, that she actually goes and visits Wolf in prison just to make sure he’s not secretly doing gay stuff on the side too. That’s hilarious, too - Wolf’s still horny as a dog in heat, which only enhances Loretta’s panic until she finally, and with overwhelming relief, learns that he doesn’t have a cellmate - but it’s a classic case of humor at the expense of a terrible person, which Loretta, once again, is proving herself to be here. 

It’s important to understand the exact nature of Loretta’s homophobia, though. Unlike Van’s bro-jokes about his brother looking “gay”, it’s obviously not rooted in any sort of machismo, and there’s definitely no shred of anything religious motivating her here (as will be made especially clear much later in the show). Of all people, Kurt is actually the one who has her number here: at the end of the episode, he notes that Loretta is fundamentally just a giant prude who really hates anything to do with sex in general, and the more non-normative it is, the more she hates it. She is, in other words, the exact kind of nerd I knew plenty of (and displayed shades of myself) when I was her age, and the exact kind who ended up morphing so readily into neo-nazis who today rant online about “degeneracy”. The fact that she doesn’t fit in with her hypersexual age cohort drives her to bitterly hate sex by proxy, which in turn has the effect of recreating the hyper-prudish religious type of mentality without having to involve religion at all. I’ve met so many people like this it’s insane, and it’s amazing that Loretta is, as far as I can recall, really the only proper depiction of that personality type I’ve found on TV. She’s a classic case of a nerd whose alienation from society drives her to instinctive bigotry that only hurts those even more marginalized, and it hurts to watch because it’s so real.

This plot is only beginning for now, so nothing of this actually concludes this episode. The same can’t be said for Pascalle’s plot, which is a continuation of what happened last episode. Judd’s sidekick really did love what he saw at the club that night, and that, of course, turns into something utterly unhealthy.The first sign that something is amiss is Pascalle getting a bunch of anonymous flowers, together with a message to meet a mystery someone in a park; when the mystery someone is revealed to be the sidekick (who goes, tragically, by the name Glen Hickey), it all takes a turn for the worse. Hickey ends up stalking Pascalle, endlessly trying to convince her that he’s a “nice guy” while doing things like appearing at random while she’s hanging up washing, getting dragged out of the strip club for getting too close to her, and masturbating to her modelling posters in the car while sitting opposite the West house. (Did I mention that Pascalle finally got her first modelling gig? She did! It ain’t much - just advertising for tyres - but yeah, you go, girl!)

This, alas, cannot end well. Pascalle can’t go to Cheryl for help, because Cheryl still doesn’t know she strips. She can go to Van - who doesn’t know either, but is too stupid to ask questions - but doing so is a big mistake; Van’s attempt at revenge is so hamfistedly stupid that it ends up alerting Cheryl to the whole thing, which creates a bit of a sticky situation for a whole bunch of people.

For a start, it really brings out the fucking asshole in Judd, who goes full Boys Club mode in defense of Hickey. When Cheryl has Jethro file an official complaint against him, Judd begs with her not to “ruin the career of a young cop” over “a rush of blood to the head”; Cheryl is, quite correctly, aghast, but he gets the upper hand when he finally reveals to her that Pascalle has started stripping. And just like that, we run up against the limits of Cheryl’s feminism; she goes from insisting that “how Pascalle dresses got nothing to fucking do with it” to being really rather furious with Pascalle, partly for lying (fair enough) and partly for nearly getting Van arrested (also fair enough) but also partly just because she is morally opposed to stripping in general, and seems to feel that Pascalle has brought shame upon the family. She’s so opposed, in fact, that she pressures Pascalle into leaving the club, and while Pascalle’s experience with being stalked has definitely put a bit of a puncture in her enjoyment of the job it still feels a little sad. She also drops the complaint against Hickey, although only after she’s received official assurances that he’s gonna get counseling and stay away from Pascalle in the future. 

It’s disappointing, but in terms of Pascalle’s wellbeing, it might end up being for the best. This little plot was a fascinating exploration into the complexities of women’s sexual liberation; on the one hand, Pascalle loved it and seemed to feel fulfilled doing it, but on the other hand one man just couldn’t keep it in his pants and ended up making her feel very unsafe. And then, of course, she was the one blamed for it, and she effectively had to take the punishment. Hardly the first time, eh?

What else is there? Well, Van’s mate Munter has been an increasing presence in these last couple of episodes, although he hasn’t done anything that’s actually affected the plot. He’s just been tagging along, usually getting high with Van, displaying that Maori accent. Jethro appears briefly, and for all his smugness and assholishness he does manage to reveal to Van just how much damage his overly insecure definition of his own masculinity is doing to him; he did, indeed, do “tongue stuff” with Tracy when he had sex with her, and he also “listened”, both of which are concepts Van finds almost impossible to imagine, which in turn means he knows he’ll never be able to satisfy Tracy if they ever do hook up again (which he eventually tries anyway, ‘cos he’s an idiot). Jethro’s a scumbag in many ways, but his embrace of metrosexuality - the idea that maybe, just maybe, the feelings of the woman might matter, both during sex and afterwards - stands in stark contrast to Van, who seems basically sexually skilled but nonetheless views his conquests as a matter of bragging rights and little else.

The next episode follows directly on from this one, and, as I recall, contains some really interesting stuff. ‘Til next time!

[mymoonjin1]

My thoughts on Crimes of Grindelwald

I know there are loads of comments on this already but I too need to rant for a while. I’ll try to finish this off with some constructive criticism, though. (I’d like to add that it’s perfectly fine if you did enjoy this film, this is just MY opinion.)

I don’t even know where to start. Listen, I am a huge Harry Potter fan, always have been, even considering a tattoo. And I actually really liked the first Fantastic Beasts movie. It had its flaws, but overall it was a good story. But most importantly: the movie can stand on itself. It has its own plot. Newt arrives in New York and accidentally lets loose a few magical creatures. The goal: finding the creatures whilst figuring out who is causing the muggle attacks. Simple, fun. They mention Hogwarts and Dumbledore, stuff we’re familiar with, but not overly so. It’s done cleverly. Now. Cut to Crimes of Grindelwald. Oh, boy. From uncomfortable close-ups to just plain weird editing this film is a goddam mess, not to mention the nonsensical storylines. No matter how effing cute nifflers are. Let’s break it into themes. 

Grindelwald

The movie ended and I still had no idea what Grindelwald’s crimes were. He “escapes” (He had already switched places with Abernathy, so why was that whole scene even there? A dark, evil wizard like him surely would just call Abernathy's sacrifice necessary for the cause or whatever), his French sidekick kills a family in order to keep their house and then he gives a speech. That’s it. What were his crimes?! He’s already a “notorious" dark wizard, what has he done besides spreading the word? Also, what is his actual ideology here? I’m sorry but that speech was a bit lame and again, confusing. Is he opposed to World War II or is he gonna take advantage of it? Kill all muggles or only those responsible for the war? But most importantly, we see Grindelwald for like ten minutes during the whole movie, why is his name even on the freaking title? I liked when he held his wand like he was directing an orchestra whilst killing everyone with the blue fire. That’s pretty much it.  Also, I’m not getting into Johnny Depp’s controversy cause that’s a whole other issue, but I think it reflected on his performance, like he was being too cautious, or something, at least that was my perception. I mean, whatever the circumstances, you’re already playing the role, then play the goddam role. 

Queenie

*Sigh* I honestly do not understand how they managed to turn a sweet and caring character into this whiny and annoying person, doing things so out of character. The love potion crap. Are you freaking kidding me?! Why was this necessary? Never mind about Jacob’s consent when I can just roofie him, kidnap him and force him to marry me! I’m the victim here, I just want to marry the one I love! Just… whyyyy? Also, she’s a freaking mind reader. How could a mind reader get brainwashed into joining a dark wizard? Because he preaches... free love? Ummm, does he?! Also, why did she freak out on the street? It was never mentioned before that her mind could get overwhelmed in crowds. It would make sense, but it was so out of nowhere it came out weird, and that scene just takes too damn long. Then the movie forgets about her for like twenty minutes to suddenly show her at the French witch’s house, like sure, I’ll go for a cup of tea with a total stranger, why not? Ugh. 

Dumbledore 

Ok, I actually liked Jude Law’s performance. The issue is that he, just like Grindelwald, is barely in the movie. We already knew that their relationship wasn’t going to be explored in this film, but it was still disappointing. We only got a “we were closer than brothers” and some hand-holding seen through the Mirror of Erised, WHICH APPARENTLY CAN NOW SHOW MEMORIES TOO, BUT OKAY. And please explain to me how is a blood pact different from an Unbreakable Vow? I get the aesthetic but surely an Unbreakable Vow is more convenient since it can’t be undone. Dumbledore suggested at the end of the movie that he might be able to destroy the blood pact. Wouldn’t have Grindelwald made sure to not leave anything to chance? Also, when did they make this blood pact, before the duel that killed Ariana? Why were they able to duel then? It can’t have been after, they wouldn’t have been exactly on speaking terms after that. That blood pact storyline took away the complexity of Dumbledore’s motives about not wanting to go after Grindelwald. Why wasn’t it enough that he once loved him and couldn’t bear to confront him after all that happened between them? That was a perfectly good explanation. This whole thing completely downplayed their relationship, like “yeah, now I just need to figure out how to destroy this necklace and I’ll be free to duel and possibly kill him, yay!” *Sighs*

Leta and Yusuf

What was the real purpose for these characters? We were lead to believe that the Lestrange family history was going to have this awesome revelation/plot twist and it ended up going nowhere. Also, the (insufferably long) scene where they finally explain the whole thing was so overcomplicated and confusing AF. For some reason, Leta’s dad (a rapist) sent her and her half-brother to the US, but since the baby wouldn’t shut up Leta switched him with another baby who happened to look exactly like him, and that baby was Creedence. Uh…okay? But then Leta returned to the UK and studied at Hogwarts? Sooo was that meant to be only a cool summer abroad? And how did she know about her half-brother Yusuf? How did they meet? Who made that freaking prophecy? Yusuf made that unbreakable vow with… whom, exactly? Himself? Arrgggg. Yusuf seemed to be an important character, I mean he locks Tina and Newt in a dungeon (they escape immediately but ok), but no. He spends almost the entirety of the movie unconscious only to appear conveniently at the cemetery to reveal he’s Leta’s half-brother. Just. Why ANY OF IT if later on we’d find out Creedence isn't even a Lestrange? GOD. 

So, back to Leta. She switched the babies (in the Titanic?) and also befriended Newt at Hogwarts. What was her relevance in the present? Why wasn’t the whole "ending up marrying his brother" explained? That’s a flashback that would’ve been useful, unlike the other ones. It could’ve added so much more to the relationship between the three of them, specially Theseus and Newt. But it was never mentioned. Also, why was she hated by everyone at school? Were all the Lestrange hated or was it only her? And THEN, FFS what was she even trying to attempt when she approached Grindelwald? Was she like tempted into joining him but regretted her decision last minute and tried to kill him instead? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? I liked the part when she said “I love you” and you’re not quite sure if she meant Newt or his brother. That was interesting. Would’ve been even more interesting had it been developed properly. But the rest of it? What a mess.

Newt, Tina, and Jacob

I actually adore Newt as a character. He’s a refreshing male lead who’s unapologetically himself throughout the story. I read a Vox article that called him amazingly neurodivergent, and in an interview, Redmayne also said he thought of him as having Asperger's. What an extraordinary thing to see in a male lead in a multimillion-dollar franchise! He’s awesome and doesn’t need to change the way he is in order to be cool. And yet in this film, he’s sooo relegated. He could’ve done SO much more, instead, he’s just lost in the sea of subplots with no real purpose. As for Tina, she has absolutely no character development whatsoever and Jacob is just there for comic relief. Also, how did he get his memories back? I’m sorry, but “the potion only took away the bad memories” is lazy writing. They are great characters but did absolutely nothing in this movie. Totally underappreciated. 

Nagini and Creedence

I don’t get why they made such a fuss over this since she has like THREE lines in the entire movie?! Seriously, why was she even there? She brought absolutely NOTHING to the plot. She just stands there next to Creedence when she could’ve been a super badass character. I’m not getting into the whole controversy, but I mean, if it was already happening, she should’ve at least had a kickass introduction. A backstory. ANYTHING. Why is a woman turning into a snake a circus attraction when anyone in this universe can become an animagus with enough practice? She was sooo mistreated here as a character. I get that there’s gonna be three more movies but COME ON, you can’t just make a huge ass preamble to another film without ANY sort of character development. It needs to have a plot of its own too. Like each of the Harry Potter books/movies. GEEZ. Now, Creedence. How did he survive? We saw a little remnant of the obscurus at the end of the first film, but hey, a little more context would’ve been nice. I thought the host and the obscurus were different things. Care to explain?! Also, how did he end up in Europe working at a magic circus? That circus thing could’ve been a very interesting plot but it goes nowhere. Again. And then... the ending. I hope the theory going around that it’s actually Ariana’s obscurus that somehow got attached to him and not actually him that’s a Dumbledore (and that’s what the phoenix was attracted to) is real because otherwise IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE. Kendra Dumbledore died in 1899. Crimes takes place in 1927. That’s 28 years. I HIGHLY doubt Creedence is 28. Why would he still be living at an orphanage at 28 then? Or did Dumbledore’s dad knock someone up in Azkaban? Just. So. Many. Plot. Holes.

Nonsensical stuff

-The lady guarding Leta’s chamber. What. The. Fork?! She lets them through even though she clearly knew Tina wasn’t Leta, and only after they’re already inside she unleashes those weird cat things with Leta being there, the actual owner of the chamber who clearly doesn’t have a problem with the “intruders”. Just… WHY? 

-Jacob being able to go through the statue. Ummmm?! 

-McGonagall. SHE WAS BORN IN 1935! WHAT?!

-Also, I get the whole 1920’s vibe and I mean no disrespect towards Colleen Atwood, because the costumes are actually gorgeous, but like… no robes? NONE? You can’t tell muggles and wizards apart. That was a key aspect of Harry Potter, at least with the older generations, so you’d think in the 1920’s they’d be even more traditional with their wizard clothing. I mean, Lupin wore both suits AND robes. Just saying. 

-Out of hundreds of people at the cemetery, the niffler somehow knew precisely what item to steal and from whom. Ok???? 

-Nicholas Flamel. What was the point of him? All he did was talk with a random woman through a book and then conveniently appear at the end to tell everyone what to do to control the fire. I mean, cool, but care to elaborate?

-And that blue fire eagle thing. It’s a very, very long sequence that could have been way quicker. It was time wasted on CGI, time they could’ve spent more wisely elsewhere. 

-Another thing that has been rubbing me the wrong way is the mention of Creedence’s nanny being half-elf. I know it’s probably stupid for me to be weird about it but listen. This is a universe with house elves and goblins, and that’s totally fine, I like the part they play in the story. But then we also have Professor Flitwick, who’s never mentioned to be either of those things; he’s just little. That’s it. And he’s a total badass. So why did the nanny had to be half-elf? I remember an interview with Peter Dinklage in which he said he didn’t like playing roles that cast little people as magical beings, which is why he loved Tyrion in Game of Thrones. Then why couldn’t the nanny just be a regular witch? Why half-elf? How did that come about? Think about it: a human witch/wizard… with a house elf? Which are, essentially… slaves?! I don’t even want to know. And I’m probably overthinking it, but seriously. It wasn’t a necessary detail to mention. 

The Fanservice 

Ok, I get that they’d include certain Potter related stuff. Nostalgia is fun, right? AS LONG AS IT MAKES SENSE. McGonagall being there makes no sense. RESPECT. CANON. PLEASE. I get retconning stuff like classes taking place on different floors at Hogwarts but dude. This was kind of an important detail. The Philosopher’s Stone casually being shown at Flamel’s house. I mean, fine. But we get it, we know who he is, it’s not like we are idiots who need reminding of this. Also, the music. I adore Hedwig’s Theme, but this is a different story. I get like a few notes here and there, but the WHOLE damn theme during that Hogwarts shot? It actually kind of threw me off a little. I couldn’t pay attention to what was actually happening. 

Conclusion 

Ok. I honestly don’t understand what went wrong. I don’t know if Rowling should just stick to writing novels or if it was the editing, the directing or-or… I just can’t even. JK Rowling is amazing at writing mystery. In all of the Harry Potter books, there were mysteries to be solved: who’s after the Philosopher’s Stone? Who opened the Chamber of Secrets? Why is Sirius Black after Harry? Who put his name in the Goblet of Fire? And so on. And in the first FB movie, the mystery was who was responsible for the attacks, and it made you believe it was Creedence’s little sister. That was still a good plot twist. Please, do tell, what was solved in Crimes? What did they actually accomplish? They spent the whole movie going in circles. Like I said, you can’t just have a huge ass preamble to a different movie. It needs to stand on its own, have its own arc. Otherwise, what’s the point? I genuinely wanted to like this film, but its narrativity makes it impossible to enjoy the actual plot, even with likable characters and appealing visuals.

Listen, I will forever be grateful to JK Rowling for the impact Harry Potter has had in my life. They are to this day my favorite books. I loved the original book for Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, as well as Quidditch Through the Ages and Tales of Beedle the Bard. They added fun details to the main story, a little peek into the Wizarding World. But then the whole expansion happened. And I used to get mildly excited whenever a new story was published on Pottermore. But eventually, I lost interest. And whenever someone said “I wish there was another book” I immediately cringed at the thought. Why ruin something that had ended in such a perfect way? The Harry Potter world ended with the seventh book. And that was ok. You need to let things go. That’s life. But then for money some reason, Cursed Child (aka That Which Must Not Be Named) was allowed to happen. And then, Fantastic Beasts happened, but it was a whole different story with brand new characters within the same universe, actually written by JK Rowling. Well, that actually sounded promising. Because it was a separate thing. A few references here and there. What could go wrong? Right. 

There are millions of reasons why the expansion hasn’t been working, but I think part of the problem came from social media. When we were kids we’d send letters to our favorite authors, but now they are just a tweet away. Which can obviously be wonderful. But you have to know where to stop. And I don’t think JK understands that. And I don’t mean it like she’s not allowed to have her own opinions and versions of certain things that didn’t come up in the books; she created the universe. But altering canon isn’t right. Forcing narratives that don’t make sense with what’s already established is weird. That’s why it’s important to leave things to the imagination/each reader’s interpretation. You want to write a different story within the same universe, that’s amazing, go ahead! As long as it’s properly developed and has its own merits. I genuinely want to like FB. And I did. But I don’t know what went wrong with this one. You’re capable of SO much more, Jo, I know you are. Sorry if I’m being too harsh. 

[thatlongspringnight]

The Red String Ch. 4 (Okita/MC)

When I first started writing this chapter, I promised myself I’d make it more lighthearted and proceded to fail miserably.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you. I am thankful for each of you (and all the people on this website and in the otome fandom that are so wonderful and good to me).

Sorry for the delay, I’m going to be slow for the next three weeks. Its that time of year again, finals.

Anyway, this chapter is a little long, so I’m going to put it under the cut

Hot breath on my skin, I gasp, tugging him closer. His flesh is warm, pleasant with the chill in the air. I dig my fingers into his back, and he pulls back, a smirk on his face. The light from the lantern bobs, makes his eyes glitter. I can see the mischief in his gaze.

Still, I can’t stop myself from tugging him back to me, taking in the smell of sweat, the lingering scent of fresh wood and winter winds that clings to him in every season.

It’s too much. It’s never enough. It’s-

“If you keep making noises like that, someone is going to catch us.” His fingers work magic, touching me in those sensitive places, knowing full well how to touch me to make me sing, and I can’t stop a moan from slipping from my lips.

“O-Okita.” I whimper, my fingers in his hair “Don’t be mean.” I know I’m only adding fuel to his fire, but maybe I want to be teased.

“Maybe Todo will find us.” A laugh falls from his mouth. A noise leaves my lips at the thought and I cover my mouth with my hands.

“Mmmnmmm” I shake my head, making a noise I hope communicates displeasure.

Everything feels so light. He kisses my forehead, grasping at my hands, pulling them away from my face.

His look is positively wicked.

“Actually, on that note, let’s see how loud you can be.”

“Okita!”

I awoke to the sound of my alarm blaring, sunshine bright as I opened my eyes. For a moment I just laid there, my breath slow and even. My skin was tingling, warm under the light.

I slept through the night.

For the first night in I don’t know how long.

I sat up, pressing my hands to my temples. I had a vague memory, a dream, just beyond my consciousness. Something warm, something soft, something that made me ache. I stretched, allowing myself to be bathed in the sunlight.

I couldn’t remember it, whatever it was.

Sleep. I couldn’t help the smile on my face. It was nice to sleep

I couldn’t back out of the damn social.

I sighed, looking at Mitsu with distrust.

“You put him up to this, didn’t you?” She grinned gleefully, shaking her head.

“Nope, he must just like you.”

Sojiro had been damn near impossible to pin down long enough to cancel, and now that Mitsu knew, no surprise that he had been quick to run his mouth to her, there was no way to get out of it.

“I cannot believe, I can’t believe he told you.” I huffed, looking away. “I didn’t mean to say yes.”

“Oh, so what happened then?” She slid over to me, putting her hands on my shoulders. “Did he get a little too close, make you forget yourself?” She pressed her face closer to mine, so that our noses touched. “Did he-“

“Gwah!” I pulled back, a blush heating my face. “Mitsu, you insufferable tease!” A trait she seemed to share with Ok- with Sojiro.

“Anyway, should we go shopping?”

“I have clothes, it’s just a night out.”

“I meant,” her voice dropped. “for lingerie.”

“That’s it!” I took a step towards the door. “I’m going to class early.”

“Waaait-“

“No, nope, not waiting.”

And I spun away, marching off, in time with my pounding heart.

Everyone- Everyone could just go to hell!

“So I have to go to this social.” I mumbled, grabbing the coffee Kyo held out for me.

“You’re missing out on salty Saturday for a teachers’ social?” Kyo blinked in surprise, and I huffed, reaching out to swat him on the arm.

“I’ve never called it salty Saturday!” Salty Saturday, or just normal Saturday, was the night I normally went over to Kyo’s place to catch up, maybe drink a little, play a board game. More often than not, Kyo’s coworkers or our old friends from the university would be there.

I hadn’t missed one since I got back.

“Anyway, why do you have to go to this social?”

Yes, why.

Something else I had been keeping from Kyo, the list growing every day, it seemed.

Sojiro.

“We have a new teacher,” I began, trailing off to take a sip of the warm coffee, “Who is also my new neighbor, and who invited me.”

“Oh.” Kyo stopped dead in his tracks. “A guy?”

“Well yeah, but that has nothing to do with the situation.” I protested, disliking his implication. Sojiro’s gender was not the issue here, of that I was sure.

“Look.” He sighed, failing to hide the pained look on his face. “I’m happy that you are moving on, just…be careful okay.”

I couldn’t help the sigh that left my lips. It was never enough for him, was it?

“Kyo,” I began, “You have no idea what is going on, and it’s not quite what you are implying-“

“Well, you could always tell me.” He interrupted, “I mean, that would clear it up.”

“It would, but-“ I paused, frowning. “It….it is complicated, okay?”

“It doesn’t matter to me, I wish you’d be more open, I’m your friend you know.” Between the lines, he was saying he knew I wasn’t honest, he knew I was keeping some big secret. His eyes searching my face, trying to tell me he wouldn’t judge me.

“I’m not sleeping with him, please don’t look at me like that.” I looked away as he sighed, relief. My frown turned into a pout. “Not that it would matter if I was.”

“Right!” He responded a little too quickly. “Right, yeah, you’re right.”

There she was.

Sojiro could have spotted her anywhere, holding a coffee close to her chest, talking to some tomcat.

Some orange haired guy, who was standing too close, in his opinion.

He saw her tear her eyes away, frustration evident on her features.

They seemed close. They seemed like they were having an argument.

A…lover’s tiff, perhaps?

An emotion he chose not to name bubbled up inside of him even as he watched her square her shoulders, a frown tugging at her lips.

He couldn’t help himself, weaving around the people on the sidewalk.

Maybe he just wanted to hear what they were talking about.

Maybe he wanted to see her smile, instead of frown.

Maybe he just wanted to fight that punk making her look so upset.

He really couldn’t say.

“What’s this?” He leaned in over her shoulder, Sojiro could feel her tense. He could see her jerk her head to see who was behind her. He smiled at her, a sugar-sweet look, dripping with mischief. “Is this tabby cat bothering you?”

She’s talking to Todo again, he frowns, watching their interaction with interest.

They are easy around each other, familiar.

It’s so very obvious that Todo-Kyo has feelings for her, in the way that he hangs on her every word, stepping too close to her, his arm brushing against hers-

That Todo needs to stop touching things that don’t belong to him.

It’s no surprise that he can’t help but step in, throwing his arms around her and hugging her to him. She yelps and then grins, leaning back into his arms.

She says his name, and he relaxes. He can hear the affection in her voice and the love he feels in his chest is painful, startling in its ferocity.

He looks up, locking eyes with Todo, and he winks, relishing the frown on the other man’s face.

My eyes trained on Kyo, a soft gasp leaving my lips at the contact. My blood froze to icicles in my veins. Sojiro had a protective arm around my shoulders, and he pulled me so close.

So, so close.

I-

I didn’t know what to do.

I looked at Kyo, doing my best to beg him to not say anything, to keep calm, all without saying a word. His eyes went from irritated to wide-as-dinnerplates as he took in the scene before him.

The man who must’ve seemed so…familiar.

“So- I mean Fujiwara-san!” I turned to glance up at him, just in time to see him shoot Kyo a dirty look.

Well, that wasn’t surprising, but didn’t help my case any.

“Fujiwara-san?” Kyo blinked, his expression of shock fading to one of confusion.

“Ah, yeah. Kyo, this is Fujiwara-san, the new teacher I had told you about.” Literally, I had literally, just told him, Sojiro had impeccable, damnable timing.

“New teacher…?”

“Oh, so you two do know each other.” Sojiro’s voice cut in. “I was worried you were harassing her, judging by the upset look she had.”

I could see the red creeping up Kyo’s face.

“No, we- uh, we know each other.” I shook my head.

“Guess you must have just been having a lover’s spat instead.” Sojiro continued, unabashed.

“Kyo and I are not lovers!” I couldn’t stop myself from frowning, pulling away from him. “We’re just friends.”

“Oh.” Sojiro’s playful demeanor returned. “I’m not very good at reading people.” He shrugged.

Such a liar.

“The- The one you’re going to the social with?” Kyo finally managed, inserting himself back into the conversation, taking a gulp of air so obvious that I heard it.

“That would be him.” I looked towards the ground, feeling Sojiro’s amused eyes on me.

“Me in the flesh.”

“Kyo this is Fujiwara-san, we work together, as previously established. Fujiwara-san, this is Kyo.” Neither of them moved, not even for a handshake.

I sighed.

“Nice to meet you.” Mumbled Kyo, looking anywhere but at the carbon copy of my old lover.

“Well anyway,” Sojiro answered, completely off topic. “Since you aren’t bothering her, I guess I better be going.” He stepped by me easily, brushing by Kyo. “See you tomorrow.”

“See- I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“What the fuck.” Kyo turned to look at me, a moment had passed, Sojiro had long since disappeared into the crowd. “What and the fuck.”

“That is what I said.” I crossed my arms, walking past him.

“That- That’s Oki-“

“He’s not.”

“Like hell he’s not.”

“I can assure you that he is not.”

“Look, I might not be the brightest candle at the shop, but that was Okita!”

“Keep your voice down.” I hissed. “What, you think I don’t know that he looks exactly like him?”

“And sounds, and- and acts-“

“He’s not Okita.” I grasped Kyo’s arm. “His name is Fujiwara Sojiro, he just moved into my apartment complex, he teaches the gym classes at school.”

“And he’s the one you’ve agreed to go to the social for.” Kyo’s eyes looked steadily into mine, and the pity in them made my blood boil.

“Like I said, it’s not that easy.”  

“Look, I don’t know what is going on, but I’m not sure I would call this…moving on.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake.” That was it, the last straw. “What, do you think I want this? Do you like I like seeing him every single day? Living next to him? Hearing his voice, his laugh? Seeing the things, he does that remind me of the person I am still in love with. Do you think this is easy for me? This is a nightmare.”

“Why don’t you-“ “What, stop? Why don’t I stop? Okay, how about this. Whatever you love most in this world, whatever you cherish, whatever or whoever is the last thought on your mind every night. Why don’t you stop thinking about them, why don’t you never see them again?” I paused, taking a breath. “Because this is what it is like. I have…I have a chance to see him, to hear him, to- to touch him, after thinking he was gone, after knowing, knowing in my heart I would never get to do that again.”

“Oh,” Kyo reaches for me, pulling me into a hug. “Hey it’s okay, you don’t have to look at me like that.”

“I’m not- I can’t bear to be away from him, even if it hurts to have him here.” I’m barely talking, my voice like a whisper. “I don’t expect you to understand, Kyo, and I’m sorry.”

He rubbed my back, a soothing motion, for just a moment.

“I’m sorry too.”

“Sojiro!” I shouted, jogging up to him. He stopped, slowing down for me.

I had another night of dreamless sleep, in fact, I had overslept.

Which explained why he had left before me.

“Not Fujiwara-san this time?” He countered as I fell into step with him, noting that while I felt better, he looked worse. Deep circles marred his pale face, and he seemed…off.

“Are you sick?”

“What, do I look it?” He raised an eyebrow at me. “I’ll have to shield my face so I don’t further offend you.”

“Hey now.” I pouted. “I’m just saying you should take care of yourself.”

“Speaking of, I need you to show me how to make that soup.”

“Oh, the one from the lunches?” I could see the bag he carried with a bento in it. Good.

“Yeah, that stuff is killer.”

“It’s actually really easy!” I grinned. “I can definitely show you.”

“Mmm.” Sojiro nodded, turning his head from me as he coughed.  “It made my throat feel a little better, but I drank it all.”

“Oh. Well then, do you want to come to the store with me after work today? Or, wait, you can go home and rest and I’ll go get the stuff, and I can show you how?”  He coughed again, a rattling sound that made us both wince.

It set me on edge, especially when he stopped walking, wracked with another cough.

“I have some water-“

“S’fine.” His hand was on his chest. “I just need a second, you can keep talking.” His breath was a little shallow. I took a step closer to him, unable to stop myself from putting my hand on his back, rubbing soothing motions there like Kyo had done for me yesterday.

For a moment there was silence, broken by the sharp, short breathes he was taking. Sharp short breaths, rasping, pained.

Oh no.

There was nothing, no playback, no conjured memory, just my panic as I felt his body stiffen.

“Sojiro-“I reached for him, startled when he doubled over. “Sojiro!” My knees hit the concrete as he kneeled, his face gone ashen. His breath was ragged, unnatural. He sounded like he couldn’t breathe.

He really couldn’t breathe. His grip on my arm tightened as his other hand clutched at his throat.

“W-What do I need to do?” I stumbled over the words as I stared at him. Time seemed to slow down.

Did I need to call an ambulance? Would they get here in time? I had the idea that it was probably an asthma attack, but, but how did I fix it?

If I couldn’t fix it-

Not again.

“In-Inh” He attempted to talk, thrusting his bag at me. I looked at him helplessly. What? What was he trying to say?

Oh!

Inhaler!

My trembling hands combed through his bag as I tried to find it, it had to be in there right? If he needed it, he wouldn’t have forgotten?

Finally, I bumped it with my hands, fingers curling around it, yanking it out, pulling off the cap, thrusting it up as he grabbed it.

I held it as he pressed the button down, taking a deep breath.

He was leaning into me as I all but cradled his kneeling form, my body trembling like a leaf in the wind.

I heard his breathing even out, felt him relax. I could see the sheen of sweat on his features. When he looked up, those beautiful eyes of his seemed weary, then surprised.

“Hey, wait a second.” He managed to rasp, reaching a hand up to my face. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

And I was crying. I hadn’t even realized. Tears rolling off of my cheeks.

I took a breath, this time my own shaky.

“I- I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I don’t know why I’m crying.”

Looks like I was a liar too.

He brushed at my tears, tugging me down into a hug as I cried.

“It seems like all I ever do is make you cry.” His voice was a mumble against my ears, but he might as well have delivered a death blow, as a well bubbled inside of me, a spring of tears that turned into soft sobbing.

He was alive, he was okay.

That was all that mattered.

tagging:  @han-pan @rizosrojizos @aina-chama @oh-my-otome @frywen-babbles @perfectruffian2389 @astralandopal @daydreamfirzana @slbp-owns-ayame @wonky-glass-ornament @half-flat