#He’s bullying Pariah into being a better person accidentally

[puppetmaster13u]

Prompt 174

Despite what people complain and snark about, Bruce does in fact have contingency plans for pretty much everything. And while he doesn’t have an exact contingency for Jason apparently accidentally kidnapping the apparently prince of the Realms- some infinite space where the dead resided according to Zatanna and Constantine, he’ll have an existential crisis about it later thanks- he did have one for his kids accidentally kidnapping someone. 

He just doesn’t think that exact plan will work in this case, seeing as that plan had to do with civilians and not very large kings that could obliterate the entire world with a hand wave, nevermind the fact that they have so many armies. Not to mention what is apparently both the king’s second-in-command and brother. 

Well, if none of his usual contingencies won’t work and Constantine’s attempts at making a deal isn’t working, nor is the other’s attempts to talk the two down, then it’s plan Z time. Seduction it is. 

[coldflasher]

SO idk if anyone else is watching superman and lois (i’m kinda loving it i can’t lie) but i gotta say jonathan is giving me FEELINGS

like idk how much of this comes from me reading into this with my own perspective of that very specific eldest daughter experience of feeling like your family members’ personal therapist and squashing your feelings to do what’s best for the family and ending up being essentially a third parent to the younger/more vulnerable sibling but god i FEEL for jonathan so much. i know we haven’t focused on him much yet but every episode i watch him swallow his jealousy and his frustration in order to look out for his brother and it breaks my heart, and i really hope they’re going to address it because i kind of want to see him SNAP

and i mean that not in the sense of wanting to see him suffer, but i can see the poor kid is trying so hard and putting in this herculean effort to bolster his brother. and of course jordan has it rough - mental health issues, new powers, disappointment that those powers aren’t what he had hoped or expected, social difficulties etc - but i feel like jonathan is expected to be the strong one, and honestly he’s really going through it and everyone is so busy supporting jordan that jonathan is just getting overlooked and it’s so SAD. 

i mean, jonathan had a great life in metropolis. he had a promising football career, a girlfriend, popularity, everything. he gives all that up to move to smallville, because of his dad and his brother, bc it’s what’s best for everyone else, no complaints. 

almost as soon as they arrive, his brother gets powers and he doesn’t, which has GOT to cause some complex feelings right off the bat - jealousy, at the very least, and maybe some resentment he’s doing his best to swallow. then jordan accidentally pisses off the popular kids and suddenly jonathan, by association, is getting shit for something he didn’t do. he’s sidelined on the football team, the one thing he’s really amazing at, made a pariah by the other kids bc of what happened with jordan - and then jordan shows up at tryouts, having never had any interest in sports before and admitting that he’s only doing it to get one over on the bullies. he uses his new powers to be better at the thing jonathan has been working hard at his whole life, makes friends with the other kids, while jonathan is just left there suddenly sidelined in every way - and THEN. then, jonathan has a chance to put a stop to it, to try and convince clark that it’s too risky for jordan to play in case he hurts someone, and instead he does the opposite and begs clark to let jordan keep playing bc he thinks it’ll be good for him, and bc he can see that he’s thriving, and??? the sheer kindness and unselfishness of that? because it must STING to watch jordan swan in and suddenly be 10x better than him, to essentially take his thing and outdo him with minimal effort, and yet he STILL doesn’t complain? god. 

my heart goes out to him, honestly. and i want to see it acknowledged how many sacrifices he’s made because jordan gets to go off and lose his shit every ep while poor jonathan swallows his tongue over and over bc he just wants to be a good brother, and everyone relies on him to be the stable one, the easygoing one, the one who has it together. 

and i just wanna emphasize i do NOT blame jordan at all, i sympathise with him too, i think he’s great, i just feel so much of a connection to jonathan’s struggles specifically and i really hope the show explores that - which im like 99% sure it’s going to, like the hints are subtle but they’re there. the focus is very much on jordan right now but i do feel like they’re gonna do something with jonathan and i can’t wait cos he deserves some kind of support here and it feels like he’s drawn the shortest straw out of everyone so far.

[elysiumrp]

Congratulations IZZY! You have been accepted as Rebecca Gray. Please go through the checklist and send in your account within 24 hours. If you need more time, make sure you send a message to the main.

I know how much you’ve liked Rebecca since the very beginning, so I’m glad that you finally took the leap and decided to pick her up. We’ve been needing more witches and warlocks to get involved in the main plot, and Resistance members as well, so it’s awesome that Rebecca can fill a spot for both of those roles. I have full confidence after seeing Kyle’s character development that Rebecca will become just as well-rounded, and having another character on the dash that I know will grow and change and mature throughout the path of Elysium is something that truly is exciting. I can’t wait to see Rebecca, and I can’t wait to interact with her either. As usual, Welcome to Elysium!!

OOC INFO

Name: Izzy Age: 23 (I’m 24, but I hate even numbers) Timezone: PST Preferred Pronouns: She/Her Previous RP Experience: [RFP] Activity Level: Trust Anything Else:  Just letting you know, I wrote this application while listening to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack.

IC INFO

Character Name: Rebecca Gray Why did you choose this character:

As you know, upon writing Rebecca, something within the character tied itself onto my mind. What happens during one’s childhood holds on immensely to that person throughout the entirety of their life, whether they like to admit it, or not. When it comes to family, they’re supposed to love you no matter what, even if they don’t like you, you’re family so they have to. Rebecca holds a similarity to me there seeing as I was in those shoes when I was young. I was the outcast of my cousins, always the one that was made fun of because I would rather read than T.P. people’s houses or play dark in the night with pillows – all stupidities. Family reunions were never fun but it also taught me that if I’m able to overcome being the cousin made fun of, I’d always be bigger than any other bullying. It helps grow yourself, helps fundamentally bring you into your own sooner so you know who you stand for – which is yourself.

Instead of becoming a victim at a young age, she grew from it. Accepting who she was and thriving with it. Of course, that doesn’t mean she regrets some things. Her mother, for example, is someone that was well-liked by her family, and because of what she did accidentally, she too has to live with it. In a way, it’s made her want to perfect the things she knows she can do rather than dwell in what others, and herself, and found herself weak in. That’s probably why she was drawn to brewing rather than spells seeing as one of the first pivotal incantations done ended up in her cousins fearing her and her family viewing her as a pariah. She feels safer relying on herself and ingredients together than spells. All in all, this is me as a witch, to be honest and I’ve always loved her since she dawned in my mind.

Describe your plan for them:

As of right now, a slow build. Not exceedingly slow like the Krabby Patty Formula being brought to the front of the screen, but at a pace that will let me develop Rebecca as her own and not just the one known for her brews. The world is changing, and she had been contributing to it before and after the reveal. I want her to lend her hand to the Resistance, maybe eventually revealing to the human world that some of the majority of the products they use are made by fellow witches. Yes, it may be something small in most people’s eyes, but it’s something being used by humans that they can’t just throw away or switch. She’s proud to work in the establishment now and for it to be just behind a door, Rebecca will attend every meeting because it’s something else she has found that maybe can possibly be perfected by her help. With everything happening with the supernaturals, I also want to allow her the capability to be the one they can turn to if injuries occur – i.e. the bombing with wolfsbane and vervain. Usually, my character decides for them self as to what happens, as do the people Rebecca will communicate with so I’ll let you know what she plans when she’s more developed.

Another thing I want to delve in, far down the road since it’s not a main personality trait about her, is the fact that dark magic basically held her hand at such a young age. Every so often Rebecca finds herself thinking about it, how kind it had been when she was in need. She knows not to turn to it, dark magic isn’t something that normally does it, maybe it was the energy in the room seeing as she was a source of light rather than seeking darkness to do anything, but maybe down the line she gets the courage to see what would happen if it were to happen again. It could happen with helping a friend or the cause, holding onto the fact that once before it worked for her and the next time it might or might not. It would be a fun thing seeing as she’s more positive than negative.

Describe your character’s feelings and reactions to the initial reveal of the supernatural world:

The first thing Rebecca thought of was how outrageous everything had happened. Of course, for people like witches, it was easier to hide their supernatural capabilities as opposed to vampires and werewolves. But to think that a mere hunter simply lost their mind and ranted about it for ten seconds was truly outrageous. At first, she was hoping that maybe the supernatural community would have a game plan for how to orchestrate their community afterwards, but it went haywire, something Rebecca found to be embarrassing on their behalf. After thinking about it, however, they had lived in secrecy, it was what they knew how to live and conditioned as well, technically not their fault if being thrust into the open was something they were no where near accustomed to. What also went through her mind was the bitterness she had at humans at first, she saw them as her cousins. Immediately chastising the supernaturals when they didn’t even give the time to learn about them, immediately hating them.

Describe your character’s feelings and reactions to the current state of the world, and how it impacts them as an individual:

It took a while for Rebecca to see the virtues of a human and supernatural understanding, nearly six months before it hit her that it was the only way if they wanted to live in harmony. Yes, their race was released to the world, but just as she had overcome the downfall of her family casting her away, she overcame seeing the humans as terrible people. Rebecca had grown up beside them, learning how to do things to help benefit both them and her. In all fairness, witches and humans were the most alike, witches just being able to grow plants faster, make a vampire cry blood or a werewolf untransform from being a wolf. Just as before, she can live her life with the majority not knowing that she’s a witch and the products she makes being something anyone else can do.

Rebecca’s just grateful there’s no blood test that can find one to be a witch, being registered something she’ll never do. She’s apart of the Resistance after all, they’re meant to resist what the governments are creating and come up with a more humane plan. All Rebecca wants is for people to see the better outcomes of things that involve supernaturals. How her cream can heal a wound in seconds. A werewolf bite can save someone from dying of cancer. Vampire blood can bring someone out of a coma and bring them to their best health. All things she wants the human population to see, but Rebecca knows it has to be strategic, it has to be slow and if she has to live in fear that someone’s going to attack her, at least she knows she’ll be on the side that was innocent and only looking for equality to live in peace as things always had for centuries.

Para Sample:

Whenever a person simply knew that they were being lied to, the ringing in their ears, the sinking of their gut, it stayed with them until they found out. Since receiving the last text from Kaden, one that said she was going to her apartment to retrieve some clothes, Kyle knew what would happen. He would be there. After all, Kyle had bit him, and when he had done so, his body had been already mid-transformation. A bite as a human did nothing unless the wolf’s canines were exposed. When the wolf was taking over, then that permitted venom to be released, and if the full wolf was in attendance, venom came with every bite. However, it was a bite from an Alpha that allowed any form of steps taken to be pushed aside because it only took one pose of contact to do the damage it was meant for. This knowledge was something that was a residue from the Other Kyle’s knowledge of everything, and something that Kyle now knew.

Kyle had bit to kill. If Nick were anywhere to die, it would be in that apartment.

However, Kaden still said that she was going and Kyle remained in his room. Pacing back and forth and staring at the clutter on his desk that he knew he should reorganise with the plans and strategies that he had no clue as to why he had drafted them but still felt like they should be created. Plans, after plans, after plans. He didn’t want to be like the Council where things weren’t being done and only talk was ensued. He couldn’t have that with his pack. There would always be a plan, and a backup plan, just as there was an A-string and B-string when it came to players on a baseball team.

”Hey, food’s ready,” the voice of one of his pack members, Brooklyn, said, head peeking through the open door. When his door was open, anyone was allowed in. If it were closed, no one dared interrupt him.

”What is it,” Kyle answered in a toneless voice.

”Stella and Marc made butter basil pasta, some kinda Mexican drink… Michelle? Michelada? Something like that,” she replied, not deterred by his disinterest.

No matter how impacted his mind was and filled with thoughts that weren’t thoughts, just mind fillers, the mention of food always triggered regular Kyle to return, mouth already salivating. “Oh, fucking H Christ,” was all he had to say, throwing his phone on his bed, not wanting to think of the other end of it and where she was. “See, this is exactly why I chose them, fuck the strength shit, they fucking cooking.” After a laugh from his female wolf, Kyle chuckled lightly, making sure he voiced that he was only kidding so no ill-nature was spread.

They didn’t have a big enough table yet, so the dining room consisted of more than enough chairs, a cluttered counter and one table that fit four. That would be his next buy, and though everyone in the room offered their seat to their Alpha, Kyle brushed them all aside, preferring to stand so the others found comfort. He liked to stand when he hate anyways, all the years of him doing so while eating cereal paying off for the furniture they were yet to have. What was different now, though, was the fact that the energy the room brought was more familiar than Tarryn could ever offer — which he hated even thinking. Instead of just his cousin, he was surrounded by around seven others, all getting along and actually engaging in conversations rather than with one person, it was everyone. He loved it. Comradery was what was needed and it was there.

They were all there, conversing with Kyle laughing on and adding to when he couldn’t but do so, the necessity to lead everything through like he had always felt he had to there. It was when the words were becoming harder to say, the frowns becoming visible on each person and a strain present that Kyle knew was also on his face. They didn’t have to say anything to know that something was wrong. Terribly wrong. The clatter of the bowls being set down and the sound of nails clenching into glass. No voice was heard, just strained breathing. There was a burning. Something sporadic flooding through each body. Nothing that could be quite pinpointed, but again, for the same reason as before, Kyle knew where it was coming from.

”Kyle… The fuck is going on,” one of his guys said breathlessly, hands holding on to the table he had been standing next to. Others had sat on the floor, some bracing themselves on the wall.

Instead of giving a solid answer, Kyle only raised his hand, motioning for everyone to quiet as he closed his eyes when the sensation grew stronger. He felt weak, weaker than he had ever been in his life. Past a point of starvation and dehydration, the inside of his body feel like a bag that was being vacuumed closed. His hands were shaking, eyes burning with what he knew to be the crimson from his wolf, but it didn’t burn like he was used to. It was as if it were crying out, his wolf clawing to stay alive but was being crushed by the rock that had collapsed on him. Someone had fallen to the floor, their body convulsing while another could be heard vomiting. Yet, all the while, Kyle could only think about what he knew was happening and that there was nothing he could necessarily do. It wasn’t like he could run to Antonia’s apartment, stop her from what she was doing.

His breathing was strained and it took everything to keep himself up, the sensation almost too overwhelming as it came to a climax and there were two others shouting out in agony. And just as Kyle could feel himself losing grip of what made him who he was, it ended. Just like that. Like a cramp that suddenly smoothed itself out and every agonizing impression it brought to him having gone. Everyone was panting, including himself. Breathing harshly but the hum of the pain that had just encased them leaving a scar mentally on them as if they could still feel it. Kyle felt his body buzzing, hands shaking as he brought them up to see his long claws now retracting in.

”Everyone breathe, we good?” he asked, looking up but not releasing the counter he was holding onto.

No voices were found just yet, some nodding and others raising their hands to their heads to wipe the sweat that had formed. It was Stella, the more outspoken of everyone, that spoke, tears having welled down her face. “The fuck was that, Kyle?”

He hadn’t noticed, but the hand that Kyle had been staring at was placed on his chest, as in a way to hold in the heart that was there and felt as if it were sinking. He didn’t even need a confirmation from Kaden to know that she had done something, and that something had just done its damage to him and most importantly his pack. He was just about to say just that, about to curse out her name when his clenched his eyes shut, head nodding in disagreement. He couldn’t do that to her. To throw her under the bus like that. They would hate her, and they weren’t allowed to. Only him. Only Kyle because he knew what she had done. Not even the Other Kyle’s knowledge in him had to tell him that she had just siphoned magic, and what was a werewolf made of? Exactly that.

So, for the first time since he had accepted being Alpha in this world, Kyle lied to his pack after he straightened his shoulders and tried to gain control of the aftereffects of what they had been through. “Someone just siphoned our magic and I’m gonna go kill them,” he stated. “Peter, clean your puke up, I’ll be back.” And with that, he turned around out of the kitchen, his footsteps paining himself but the necessity to release the wolf in him stronger than ever with the hatred at what she had done fueling him to run to where he usually went to emancipate what she just nearly took away.

Any questions/concerns/things you’d like to change: (siblings to add, pronouns, sexuality you’d like to specify, personality, face claim, history, etc., etc.)

N/A

[ihearducksaregoingquackers]

Sorry for long post, but anything you can say will help. Deeply personal.

Tumblr is a super weird experience for me, with just who and what I am. To kind of put a million labels on me at once (the labels that I know of), I am a seemingly-but-not-always white-passing light-skinned Egyptian Muslim capable of growing an afro who is heteroromantic, bi-curious, demisexual-ish (I can be sexually attracted to anyone, but I’d almost never take clothes off unless it was with someone I was in love with), cisgendered male, was essentially raised on Western (mostly American, some British) media influence with English as a first language and hardly able to speak Arabic despite it being my native language, legally an American citizen, with diagnoses of depression, anxiety and ADHD, with an education background of partially physics, animation and partially game design at a university level (the partialies are due to dropping out because of depression). Also, I was ‘a gifted child’, aka I was naturally adept at science and math, and dropped the humanities like a hot rock as soon as I could.

And that’s what I can think of off the top of my head.

(The rest is put under ‘keep reading’ because the post is super long. If you have the time or energy to read this and just say anything to help, I’d super appreciate it. If not, I appreciate you reading this far. If you didn’t read this far, I still appreciate you following me anyway, because it helps make it feel like tumblr is worth doing, even though audience isn’t the reason why I use tumblr in the first place.)

This, of course, not only leads to huge amounts of internal anxiety with regards to “who or what the fuck am I”, being Egyptian and Muslim but having been raised and immersed in Western and Christian or Athiest media. But following the diverse blogs of Tumblr makes it even more confusing. Specifically black tumblr, not because there’s anything wrong with black tumblr, but black tumblr has made me ask myself questions that I never would have thought to ask myself. But all sorts of tumblr (especially social justice tumblr or educational discourse tumblr talking about geography or history) have had this effect on me too.

Like, what does it mean to be African? Am I African? I actually had to go up to my mom and ask that question, because it bugged me so much and I just didn’t have the answer, and there’s an apparent distinction between Africa and North Africa, where Egypt is in North Africa. But also, I can grow an afro. When I was still in the states and working as a cashier at a dry cleaning place, I actually asked a couple of black co-workers if they thought I could grow an afro. When they responded with “yeah, I could see a Jew-fro”, I had to show them this video of me getting the largest afro I’d grown shaved. They were surprised, to say the least (and it was totally worth the look on their faces). But like, black tumblr has a habit of calling curly hair ‘black hair’ and I somehow feel like I can’t own my hair? But I’m technically African, but does that allow me the same courtesy?

And, like, obviously I don’t want to be That Asshole™, cultural appropriation is such a huge thing and I don’t want to promote it in any way, shape or form. But I have curly hair, I can naturally grow an afro, been able to do it my whole life, how do I embrace that without accidentally promoting cultural appropriation? If the answer seems obvious, there’s the ‘sometimes-but-not-always white-passing’ thing which I go into detail later on. I also know that black tumblr isn’t intentionally looking at my obscure, one off tumblr that has 57 followers and saying “let’s make this ONE individual paranoid about what he can or can’t do or say about his hair”. I’m not egotistical or narcissistic enough to think my opinion matters that much to an entire tumblr culture for them to try and send me a message, but I feel that there’s enough of a message for me to at least be concerned about what my actions might unintentionally say.

It also doesn’t help that my family hasn’t really learned about taking care of afros since I was kind of a pariah in wanting an afro and my family insists I look better without one and that what little I’ve learned about taking care of afros I’ve learned from black tumblr. Also, depression makes it hard to get out of bed or even take a shower, so taking care of my afro is kind of out of the question at the moment.

There’s also another awkward one of “How Arab am I?” That question is multi-layered, partially due to my westernization through the media I consumed, my faulty ability with the Arabic language, the fact that I’ve had too many Egyptians in Egypt ask me where I’m from (I’ve answered with ‘Egyptian but raised in America’ which gets people to not ask more questions).

And then there’s also the part of what does it mean to be Egyptian as well. Like, specifically Egyptian. Should I be proud of my ancestors? Is that even *my* legacy? Or has my legacy been so muddied by the multiple empires that have conquered Egypt that I can’t lay any claim to it? My family trees can also be traced back to Tunisia (Carthage specifically), Morocco and Lebanon (I’m quarter Lebanese so that’s sorta the easiest to trace), but that’s only looking at two straight lines and an obvious link and almost none of the other branches of my family tree are really explored. Like, my family almost entirely hails from Alexandria, I have great grandparents that fought in World War 2 for Egypt and that’s quite a few generations of living in Egypt, so potentially one of my ancestors was Ancient Egyptian, right?

But THEN there’s also the legacy of Egyptians, the muddied part I mentioned because, at one point, Coptic Christians were the dominant population before Islam became a thing, and then Egypt became part of the Islamic Empire, which resulted in 80% of the current Egyptian population being Muslim now. But also, Ancient Egypt was a thing. And Ancient Egypt traded with Ancient Greece and that’s it’s own bag which I don’t even have all the information on that. Let’s also not forget the Jewish Egyptians that exist in the world. Or the fact that Jews had to run away from Egypt (God, that one Hannukah I attended with my ex-girlfriend was awkward).

There’s also the whole fetishization of Ancient Egypt by essentially everyone, but also holy shit Ancient Egypt was so advanced for its time too, which no wonder why people are obsessed with it, but then it kinda gets weird and it’s super complicated to get into right now. There’s also debate about the skin colour of Ancient Egyptians too, and like, if it’s discovered that they were dark-skinned, do I have no right and no claim to my ancestry?

And THEN there’s what it means to be Muslim, and how some of what I’ve been told clashes heavily with liberal western political ideals (imagine my ass being conservative, HA!). That also clashes with my status as bi-curious, which used to be bisexual (still heteroromantic) but now, isn’t? I don't know, I’m still very much in this “I have no idea what my sexuality is” stage. Being bullied from an early age and learning to take ‘gay’ as an insult has superbly affected my ability to even consider being called gay. I get REELED at the idea of being called gay or kissing another man, but there’s that bi-curious thing due to some events that will not be described (no abuse, I promise). There’s just so much shit that clashes from these different things. And I don’t even know how to fit the pieces together even remotely.

The ‘seemingly obvious answer’ of ‘you can be all of that’ doesn’t apply when you hear shit like the Egyptian government tracking down gay people through gay dating apps and are actively living in Egypt. I’m not even LOOKING for that kind of thing with another man, and it’s not even a potential future thing in my mind either, since, you know, demisexual-ish. But there’s still that occasional attraction? It’s weird. Just, being me with regards to these things is weird and I can’t fit the pieces together, not on my own. And, also, I always have to ask the question: with being so marginally LGBT, do I even have the right to consider myself as part of the LGBT+ community? With all the stuff that the LGBT+ community go through, how could I, as a heteroromantic bi-curious demisexual, even CONSIDER being a part of the LGBT+ community? It’s such this deep question, and I only have the label of bi-curious because I don’t even know anything that more accurately describes what’s happening in my head, you know?

Don’t even get me started on Arab mentality of mental health issues, which further complicates things with my liberal western ideals. Just don’t.

There’s also that fun time my sister accused me of being ‘too westernized’.

God, and then, just, I look at Egypt and I can’t find much to be proud of my people? There’s stuff that is improving, no doubt, but it’s so slow and gradual that it might take a few lifetimes in order for things to even measure up to something I’d consider good standards. But again, are these the ideals of an Egyptian who wants the best for his country, or a foreigner who can only see through the lens of his own privilege? The number of times people have said that “[I am] not Egyptian” because I don’t like a certain Egyptian dish or don’t say a certain thing or whatever other standards I have is absolutely infuriating.

I wish I was one of those people who didn’t need labels to identify themselves. I wish I could just say “I am who I am, that’s okay with me”. But I can’t, I’m just not that kind of person. I’ve had the label of ADHD from when I was first diagnosed as a child, and also Egyptian too. Also, being ‘so smart’ as a kid, ‘so obedient’, ‘quiet’ etc. as a child. But I was bullied too, I had two or three friends for my youngest years that I remember (I remember nothing from before age 8 aside from literally three memories), and what I can now put a name to, dangerously severe depression. I survived, which is really all that matters, but I only have vague memories of being a child and a teen.

Anyway, let’s ignore that tangent and get back on track with the labels. Sometimes-but-not-always white-passing. Having lived in the states and being able to experience the looks that some people give me, whether I’m white-passing or not depends entirely on the person who sees me. My name isn’t ‘obviously Arab’, so people kind of have to guess where I come from. I’ve been mistaken for white for sure, but I’ve also had an older black woman tell me “shalom” as she was getting off the bus “because of the nose” with a hand motion, thinking I was Jewish. Then there was the elderly white psychiatrist, lemme just set the stage.

I walk into an INTAKE with this elderly white psychiatrist, not even a session, this is purely an assessment part. He asks questions, gets my name, gets my original nationality, age, guesses correctly that I’m Muslim. He asks if I drink, I told him no, because I haven’t. His IMMEDIATE response: “Oh, that’s good, because if you did, they’d have to take you out back and shoot you in the back of the head.”

I got so scared, I forced myself to see him for three sessions because I had to make sure that he wouldn’t think the reason why I didn’t go to my first appointment was because of his racist ass. Then every time I went to that clinic, I was scared out of my mind that he’d accuse me of not seeing him because of that (my Philipino therapist, who I’d been seeing for weeks before that, was in that clinic so I couldn’t just up and leave, also she was really good and I needed that stability). You could also bet your ass I didn’t report it to management because, again, I was so scared I was gonna be shot by some white dude with a gun if any of that came to light. After that, the anxiety was too much for me to bear and I went to see another psychiatrist. This was in Maryland, 45 minutes away from DC, and since I don't know anything about gun laws in those states, I have no guess about what might happen.

I didn’t exactly hide the fact that I was Egyptian from the people I became friends with, but still, I feel like I should have assessed what to say first. The question always came up “where are you from” and I’d be forced to answer “Egypt” since any other answer is kind of dishonest.

There’s just a lot on my mind. What does it mean to be me? What does it mean to have all these different backgrounds? Who and what am I? Having lots of time on my hands because my depression has essentially made me bedridden does not help in the slightest because I have no way of finding out those answers. And being bedridden doesn’t mean ‘I have time to think’, because I’m too busy actually dealing with my depression (and, some days, surviving my depression) to be philosophical in any way, shape, or form.

This is kinda selfish of me to do, but I'm queueing this because I desperately want people to see this and just, help, in some way. I might even reblog it and schedule it at another time because holy cow I need some advice.

[coldflasher]

I posted 1,933 times in 2021

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#maybe this is just a personal preference bc i love soft boys and i was really into the whole layering thing they had going on in early seaso

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

the more i think about the 7x02 synopsis the more i can’t stop LAUGHING

barry, having been the definition of ‘no thoughts, head empty’ for the past six years: i have discovered the power of CONSCIOUS THOUGHT

cisco: idk man sounds kinda dangerous... i’m not sure your brain works that way... you might hurt yourself

barry: shh, im thinking

cisco: there’s smoke coming out of your ears

barry: that’s supposed to happen, i had a thought once, i know the drill

36 notes • Posted 2021-02-19 17:49:41 GMT

#4

SO idk if anyone else is watching superman and lois (i’m kinda loving it i can’t lie) but i gotta say jonathan is giving me FEELINGS

like idk how much of this comes from me reading into this with my own perspective of that very specific eldest daughter experience of feeling like your family members’ personal therapist and squashing your feelings to do what’s best for the family and ending up being essentially a third parent to the younger/more vulnerable sibling but god i FEEL for jonathan so much. i know we haven’t focused on him much yet but every episode i watch him swallow his jealousy and his frustration in order to look out for his brother and it breaks my heart, and i really hope they’re going to address it because i kind of want to see him SNAP

and i mean that not in the sense of wanting to see him suffer, but i can see the poor kid is trying so hard and putting in this herculean effort to bolster his brother. and of course jordan has it rough - mental health issues, new powers, disappointment that those powers aren’t what he had hoped or expected, social difficulties etc - but i feel like jonathan is expected to be the strong one, and honestly he’s really going through it and everyone is so busy supporting jordan that jonathan is just getting overlooked and it’s so SAD. 

i mean, jonathan had a great life in metropolis. he had a promising football career, a girlfriend, popularity, everything. he gives all that up to move to smallville, because of his dad and his brother, bc it’s what’s best for everyone else, no complaints. 

almost as soon as they arrive, his brother gets powers and he doesn’t, which has GOT to cause some complex feelings right off the bat - jealousy, at the very least, and maybe some resentment he’s doing his best to swallow. then jordan accidentally pisses off the popular kids and suddenly jonathan, by association, is getting shit for something he didn’t do. he’s sidelined on the football team, the one thing he’s really amazing at, made a pariah by the other kids bc of what happened with jordan - and then jordan shows up at tryouts, having never had any interest in sports before and admitting that he’s only doing it to get one over on the bullies. he uses his new powers to be better at the thing jonathan has been working hard at his whole life, makes friends with the other kids, while jonathan is just left there suddenly sidelined in every way - and THEN. then, jonathan has a chance to put a stop to it, to try and convince clark that it’s too risky for jordan to play in case he hurts someone, and instead he does the opposite and begs clark to let jordan keep playing bc he thinks it’ll be good for him, and bc he can see that he’s thriving, and??? the sheer kindness and unselfishness of that? because it must STING to watch jordan swan in and suddenly be 10x better than him, to essentially take his thing and outdo him with minimal effort, and yet he STILL doesn’t complain? god. 

my heart goes out to him, honestly. and i want to see it acknowledged how many sacrifices he’s made because jordan gets to go off and lose his shit every ep while poor jonathan swallows his tongue over and over bc he just wants to be a good brother, and everyone relies on him to be the stable one, the easygoing one, the one who has it together. 

and i just wanna emphasize i do NOT blame jordan at all, i sympathise with him too, i think he’s great, i just feel so much of a connection to jonathan’s struggles specifically and i really hope the show explores that - which im like 99% sure it’s going to, like the hints are subtle but they’re there. the focus is very much on jordan right now but i do feel like they’re gonna do something with jonathan and i can’t wait cos he deserves some kind of support here and it feels like he’s drawn the shortest straw out of everyone so far.

40 notes • Posted 2021-03-11 00:10:50 GMT

#3

44 notes • Posted 2021-12-03 21:08:51 GMT

#2

infantino street is just so funny to me. like len talked such a big talk about “you see the good in me, i see the bad in you” but the moment barry tried to do something even slightly morally dubious len started squirting him with a bottle of water like “NO >:( bad”

142 notes • Posted 2021-11-11 12:49:20 GMT

#1

so two incredibly funny things just happened: a) the powerpuff girls pilot script leaked and it is fucking awful, and b) the CW pulled the pilot and are insisting on a full overhaul. a reshoot. entire thing has been scrapped and needs to be done over

and look, you know i love this network, all my fave shows are here, but imagine writing something so indescribably bad that the CW... home of supernatural, of supergay megahell fame... the home of RIVERDALE... took a step back from and went “no, i’m sorry we cannot possibly air this”

like at that point if i was on the writing team i would just dig a very very deep hole and go bury myself in it and never come out

532 notes • Posted 2021-05-25 13:00:36 GMT

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