#I AM IN NO MOOD TO GIVE MEDICAL STUDENTS GRACE

[theteaisaddictive]

why the fuck did apparently every medical student in glasgow decide to have their sub crawl tonight and, by refusing to get out the fucking way, make me miss my train home

[sixeyesgojo]

being their best friend hc

Summary: What’s it like to be their best friend?

Characters: Gojo Satoru, Fushiguro Megumi, Itadori Yuji, Kugisaki Nobara, Inumaki Toge

Word count: -

Content warning: -

A/N: -

Gojo Satoru

Gosh, the two of you were so chaotic as best friends. Both of you were up to no good at least half of the time and frankly, it pissed quite some people off but neither of you could give a flying fuck about others, just snickering at the mischief you've caused

As a troublemaker yourself, you obviously support Gojo wholeheartedly in... opposing the higher-ups, I guess? You actually wanted him to overthrow them, it was time for change.

Who cares about the higher-ups anyway? They didn't really like you either

It's widely known that Gojo has no sense of private space, so expect him to frequently come very close

Not that you mind anyway, at some point you even picked up that habit of his

Naturally, there will be a lot of PDA, like his arm around your shoulder or something like that

Outsiders always think the two of you are dating but

"Hah? Dating that idiot? As if!" (you can choose whoever says that, either you about him or vice versa)

The two of you actually sit down together to make plans on how to get on other people's nerves and nobody is really spared. Like that one time when you made a plan to mess with poor Megumi.

You're a formidable Jujutsu Sorcerer yourself, so there will be a lot of competitions between you and him

"Where's my reward? I've defeated that curse 0.01 seconds faster than you!"

"You will get your reward if you're at home faster than I am."

Fushiguro Megumi

He frequently has to get you out of trouble; be it because of some trouble or a curse, this boy always has to get you out of the mess and he's a little annoyed but does it regardless

Will roll his eyes a lot but he loves you just as much, so he puts up with your antics without complaining.... much

frequently asks "are you actually stupid?", which usually earns him a slap on the shoulder from you

He may be annoyed at you sometimes but he would never dare hurt you in any way, he even shows his appreciation in the most Megumi way possible

When he shows you appreciation, it's usually through simple gestures like offering massages, going grocery shopping with you or buying something you've mentioned you needed (as a casual remark, which you didn't expect him to remember), usually accompanied by him rubbing his neck and averting his eyes, saying, "I thought you'd need this."

takes pictures whenever you hang out but not of you or him

For example, if you were going to have a video game night, he'd take one of the controllers and the games

You have to convince him to appear on a selfie with you

claims "I'm not photogenic" but he totally is

Since he isn't much of a talker, hanging out in silence is fine for him too

is very good at keeping secrets, he will take them to his grave

doesn't show it a lot but he's almost as protective of you as a big brother would be

Itadori Yuuji

This boy would totally do any favor you asked of him - not that you would exploit this, but just know that he would

Yuuji is a very good listener and he knows when and what to comment when you tell him something, despite being a little dense.

His bright and cheery attitude never ceases to cheer you up too, no matter in which mood you were before seeing him

He's the kind of friend who would do anything with you. You don't even have to put in a lot of effort in order to convince him, just hit him up casually and he will agree. Bungee Jumping? Easy. Skydiving? No problem.

The two of you are regular customers at the local cinema.

And probably at some fastfood chain too.

Unlike Megumi, Yuuji takes a lot of selfies with you. Most of them are dorky ones where the two of you just grimace and then laugh about how ugly that picture turned out to be. One of them ends up being his homescreen picture.

You actually know him since (at least) middle school - you've become best friends quite quickly, mostly thanks to his easygoing personality. Who doesn't love this boy?

When he discloses that he will move to Tokyo, your first reaction is to be shocked but then that quickly transforms into happiness because it's what he chose to do

Due to personal reasons, you also move to Tokyo not too long after that. One would say it was coincidence when it actuality, it was fate that wasn't allowing you to let go of Yuuji. Not that you wanted to anyway.

He definitely didn't expect that. When you reunite, you just throw up two peace signs and say, "Seems like we're stuck together."

A smile graces his lips and he replies as follows: "Wouldn't have it any other way, if you ask me."

Kugisaki Nobara

You haven't known her for long... but it sure feels like it has been years because you just get along so well

You accidentally bumped into her, making her drop everything. You felt bad, so you invited her to a cup of tea. It clicked almost instantly.

Since you are originally from Tokyo, she insists that you are her personal guide

"If I got lost, that would be terrible, so I hereby appoint you as my personal Tokyo guide."

Nobara often calls you and invites you to hang out in downtown quite spontaneously

expect lots of shopping sprees, lots of laughter and lots of gossip

One thing you started to associate with her was bubble tea. You think of her whenever you drink it alone.

Oh yes, she also likes to call you in the evening to just talk, especially when she has not been able to see you a lot lately due to missions

Sometimes you get her little gifts, like earrings that you thought suited her, and deliver it directly to the students' dorm

There will always be a happy reaction coming from her. She is especially grateful when she sees a little gift after a tough mission.

Gradually, she starts to do the same for you.

"This hoodie was so cool and comfy, I thought I'd get one for both, me and you."

Inumaki Toge

You're a Jujutsu Sorcerer from the Jujutsu Highschool in Kyoto and met this peculiar boy at the Exchange Event, as a rival initially

However, you were impressed and approached him to befriend him. He was pretty hesitant at first but ultimately, didn't sense any hostility coming from you, so he just went with the flow. Who knew, maybe you ended up being a good friend?

At first it was chaos since you had no idea what the hell he meant by "Mustard leaf."

Hah, luck's on your side though because you managed to decode his speech after some time

Nobody knows how you did that but as a matter of fact, you did. Took you long enough, in your opinion.

Sometimes he would grab a paper and write on it to communicate with you nevertheless, he thinks it feels more personal to be able to accurately convey what someone wants to say themself - not that you really needed it after having decoded his speech

As mentioned, you're also a sorcerer but thanks to Toge, you branched out to the medical field simultaneously, just to be able to concoct throat medicine for him. It was an unspoken tradition for you to bring him a bottle of your own throat medicine and onigiri whenever you saw him. The way his eyes lit up was always worth the effort.

Your favorite way to hang out was making onigiris and sushi together, you can't convince me otherwise

Same as Megumi, he does not mind spending quieter evenings with you

He comes to visit you in Kyoto just as many times as you visit Tokyo.

"Bonito flakes." - "Yeah, Toge, I know. I agree with you."

[valdemart]

A New Experiment (NSFW ValdemarxReader)

I made a nasty Valdemar fic because I’m 🎵Human Garbage🎵

It’s Valdemar so warnings for medical kink, mentions of gore (I don’t think its that intense), dead bodies, some swearing, and everything else that goes with everybody’s favorite Quaestor.

((I know hysterical paroxysm probably wasn’t actually a treatment or whatever, and time line wise it doesn’t really fit, but for the sake of this story I do not give a fuck. Do I want to romance the horrible demon doctor? Yes? Am I foolish enough to think it’s possible? Absolutely not. This is as good as it gets, fuckos, not being murdered maybe.))

To make it an entire year as a student doctor under Doctor Valdemar was previously unheard of. If the student didn’t vanish mysteriously never to be heard from again, they fled to another country and refused to talk about it. You, however, had done it and it hadn’t even been hard. As head doctor of the palace, Valdemar had no time for anything not related to science. All you had to do was focus on work while you were working and do everything they said immediately and correctly.

You had even managed to get a few compliments from them. They were not the type to hand out praise, but you had gotten ‘adequate work’ several times and even one ‘well done’.

There were a few ‘eccentricities’ to deal with, but what genius wasn’t a little bizarre? Another year or so working under them and no doubt you’d leave to become a brilliant surgeon.

After an entire year of hard work and dedication, you wouldn’t have thought that you’d undo it all with one little mistake, but isn’t that always how it happened?

The city morgue had apparently gotten a new delivery man; specifically, a tall, brown eyed delivery man with a roguishly handsome smile. You hadn’t had a lot of time for dating while attending medical school and, well, you were only human. You had to flirt with him a little bit. Despite him hauling around unclaimed corpses, he was in the mood to flirt a little too. Doctor Valdemar was engrossed in a project so you made small talk with the man while you counted the bodies and signed his delivery ledger. He told an unfunny joke and you giggled. It was harmless and didn’t interrupt your work at all. As soon as he left, you were back to work, categorizing the corpses based on possible causes of death to be examined further.

But, later, white cleaning various beakers and test tubes, your mind began to wander. You couldn’t help the big, stupid grin plastered to your face as you thought of the delivery man. He’d be by next week and maybe by then you would have the nerve to ask him to dinner. Or maybe he would ask you, wouldn’t that be something.

Valdemar called your name loudly and impatiently and you jumped. Had they said your name already without you hearing it? They did not like having to repeat themselves. In jumping, you had managed to knock two test tubes off the table. They broke with two quiet ‘tinks’ against the floor. You stared at them wide eyed for a moment before looking up. Doctor Valdemar was less than a foot away from you and frowning.

Shit…

You hadn’t ever broken anything before. The last person to break something had been an assistant and Doctor Valdemar had stepped on their hand while they were picking up the shards, driving the glass into their skin. That had made you conscientious about maintaining a firm grip on everything in the dungeon.

After a horrible, silent moment of staring, Valdemar smiled.

“Distracted today, are we? It wouldn’t have anything to do with that handsome man that was here earlier, would it?”

They weren’t yelling, but they often didn’t so there was no telling how mad Valdemar was right now.

“I’m so sorry, Doctor Valdemar. I’ll clean it up and get right back to work.”

“Leave it for now.”

This kind of thing didn’t happen to you. You were a professional, dammit. You had never gotten in trouble before and now Valdemar was going to make you eat those broken test tubes.

Valdemar turned to the only two other staff currently on and waved their hand at them.

“Leave us.”

They exchanged glances with one another and then shot you two helpless, sympathetic looks before climbing the stairs to the palace.

“Come join me at my desk for a moment, wont you?”

Your feet felt like lead as you dragged yourself to the desk in the middle of the dungeon. Valdemar sat down, but you waited for them to nod at you before you dared to take a seat. There was another endless moment of silence as they watched you over their steepled fingers.

“Was I right? We’re you thinking of that delivery boy?”

“Yes, Doctor.”

Of all the stupid things to get in trouble for.

“Seems even the good little humans lose their heads in the spring.”

This would be funny if it wasn’t so terrifying.

“Mating season and all.”

Maybe you’ll be the first student to be forgiven?

“When was the last time you had sex?”

Valdemar didn’t waste time mincing words. A forthright question like this was embarrassing but not uncommon.

“Oh, um, two years ago I believe, Doctor.”

“Hmm, I see. Do you masturbate often?”

Despite your fear, you couldn’t help your blush at that question.

“Um, not very, I don’t think, Doctor.”

“Quantify it.”

“Um, once or twice a month.”

“I see.”

This next span of silence really does go on forever. It’s almost as though Valdemar has no intention of speaking. Their unblinking gaze is too much to bear and you speak first.

“I’m so sorry, Doctor. I promise, it won’t happen again.”

“How?”

“P-Pardon?”

“How are you going to keep it from happening again?”

Well, you hadn’t expected that question. Usually, when you apologized to someone, they just accepted that you would do better.

“I, um, I’ll just-“

Valdemar stared at you while you stuttered, their passive face making it very clear that they could wait all day for an answer.

“I don’t want to disappoint you, Doctor. I’ll do better. I won’t get distracted anymore.”

“And how can you guarantee that? The human drive to mate is so primal. It’s so deeply embedded in your brain that it will almost certainly always win over logic. I don’t blame you for what you are, but I don’t trust you to be able to resolve it on your own. After all, you aren’t even a doctor yet, are you?”

Well, at least they weren’t angry. You weren’t sure what they had planned, but it wouldn’t be like that time they broke another assistant’s arm for preparing the wrong slice of a cadaver’s brain.

“I’ll do whatever you think I need to do, Doctor.”

They rose suddenly and silently, making you flinch slightly.

“I’m glad to hear you say that. It’s refreshing for someone to take responsibility instead of blubbering excuses. Although, I would expect nothing less from you.”

You watched Valdemar walk over to one of the metal exam tables and reach underneath to pull out the gynecological stirrups. A feeling of dread washed over you, but all you could think was how well you had oiled the stirrups, as they no longer squeaked when they were moved.

“It will be a simple treatment. Not invasive at all and so little blood,” Valdemar explained, steepling their fingers together again. “Now, please undress from the waist down and lie on the table.”

You didn’t move. You couldn’t. What the hell was Valdemar planning on doing to you? Cut you? Sew you up? Because you were distracted one time?! No! Please no! This couldn’t be happening! Not this!

“D-Doctor Valdemar, please, whatever you’re planning… I’m sorry! I’ll work twice as long just-“

You could try to run, but how far would you get? Valdemar was almost supernaturally graceful and quick and if they caught you, there would be Hell to pay.

Valdemar frowned but didn’t otherwise move. They were studying your face as though they were trying to read your thoughts and figure out why you weren’t obeying them.

“Are you afraid I’m going to mutilate your genitals? Really, now. Horny is one problem I can fix, but I can’t help you if you’ve gone stupid as well. If I carve you up, I lose my only capable assistant for days while you recover.”

Valdemar sounded annoyed, but there was the slightest bit of amusement in their tone. And while you desperately did not want to stall further and really anger them, the fear of the unknown medical procedure planned for you kept you frozen in place.

“Please tell me what you’re going to do.”

Your plea was raspy as you fought and failed to hold back tears, but to your great relief, Valdemar didn’t seem any more annoyed with your sniveling. It was the same impassive face they wore when a patient pleaded to save a limb from amputation. Just a minor irritation.

“Hysterical paroxysm.”

“What?!”

Then, to your great perplexity, Valdemar grinned. Not the sharped tooth grin that accompanied the arrive of more corpses for autopsy but a closed lipped grin like…they were trying to comfort you? What was happening?

“Hysteria. A most amusing theory, but further proof that the human mind is incapable of truly grasping medical science. However, in this case? This might be the cure we need. Now then,” Valdemar said, patting the exam table. “Up you go.”

What choice did you have? You could run. If that didn’t change Valdemar’s mind about cutting you up then you’d still lose your residency. You’d never be a doctor then.

And…

This was quite possibly the nicest Valdemar had ever been to anyone. They were the smartest and most capable doctor you knew. You had been chasing their approval since day one and never once had you seen them attempt any sort of bedside manner before. But now they were endeavoring it specifically for you. Squaring your trembling shoulders the best you could, you reached up and under your coat and pulled your pants and panties down with one smooth tug. You shivered as the cool air of the dungeon hit your legs and Valdemar merely watched patiently as you worked off your shoes and folded your pants.

“There’s a good girl,” Valdemar cooed as you laid down on the table. The praise had to have been meant to mock you, but as they almost gently assisted you with putting your legs in the stirrups, you weren’t sure of anything anymore. Valdemar had cracked ribs and dislocated ankles while strapping patients into restraints before. Was this really happening?

Valdemar opened a few buttons on the bottom of your lab coat and flipped each side outward, exposing you completely. The doctor never was one to waste time with a privacy blanket.

“No wonder I’m having problems with you,” they said as they ghosted a single digit down your slit, making you shiver. “Your little cunt is so engorged that there’s no blood left for your brain.”

They spoke with an almost bored air of professionalism, like they were examining a mole and not about to finger fuck you to orgasm. As horribly embarrassed as you were, prone in front of your boss like this, you risked a quick glace downwards. You only saw the crisp white dressing wrapped around the doctor’s head as they gave you a thorough visual examination, staring intently at your vulva as they softly spread and stretched you lips.  You bit back a whine. How were you supposed to work for them after this? You’d never be able to look them in the eye again.

“Now then,” the doctor said, standing to their full height. “Let’s commence treatment.”

Two long, hard fingers that felt more like a medical instrument than a part of someone’s hand entered you swiftly. The cold rubber of the glove made you gasp and your nipples hardened under you clothing.

Valdemar didn’t move like you had expected them to and instead called your name. Reluctantly and with a great deal of mortification, you met their gaze while you were being penetrated. They stared at you, unblinking, their razor blade smile finally back on their face.

“Do feel free to make noise. It will help me speed the treatment along.”

Your head fell back as they began, their cool fingers almost scrapping at your walls as their thumb made a perfunctory back and forth motion against your clitoris. It was as sterile and unerotic as something like this was possibly capable of being. But, somehow, it was doing the trick. You could feel yourself heating up against the cool air. Despite your humiliation, your boss was actually going to make you cum.

Despite? Or because of?

Valdemar was deathly silent now and, even with your eyes being snapped shut, you could feel their gaze on your face with needle like focus. Their movements didn’t change in the slightest, almost like they were using a machine.

And yet…

You were beginning to squirm and twitch under their ministrations. You balled your fists against the cold metal of the exam table and let the first of several heady moans escape you lips. You were really going to cum on your weird boss’s fingers on a table you were going to have to see every day you worked.

That thought was your undoing.

As you bit back a squeal and your back arched off the table, Valdemar continued moving their fingers until your contractions stopped and you tried to pull away from them. Then their touch was gone completely. You allowed yourself a moment to catch your breath. Despite the horribly bizarre nature of it all, it had been a good orgasm. However, the light, warm feeling fled you faster than it usually did. Most likely it was from the stirrups and exam table and lack of a soft, warm bed or the loving caress of a partner. Your high extinguished, you wanted nothing more than to get dressed, but you didn’t have the doctor’s permission. You propped yourself up enough to see Valdemar, who was now standing a few feet to your right next to a torch. Holding their fingers up to the light, they were scissoring their two fingers back and forth, studying your cervical mucus as it stretched. A hot wave of embarrassment sent you back down.

“D-Doctor? May I get dressed now?”

You looked when they didn’t answer right away and you watched with shame as they scraped your discharge off their fingers and into a vial.

“Yes. The treatment is over now.”

Your legs cramped slightly as you removed them and stood up and your toes tingled as blood finally reached them again. That discomfort was nothing compared to the aching empty that had suddenly taken over your chest. No, you hadn’t exactly had a long-term partner before and your lovers were few and far between since most people didn’t understand the long hours of a medical student, but you hadn’t been into casual encounters either. There had been cuddling and pillow talk with them and now, as you pulled your pants up in silence, you felt ashamed and used. Obviously, Valdemar wasn’t interested in romantic entanglements, that much you’d bet any amount of money on, but had this just been some weird power trip? Or an experiment? You were grateful it hadn’t involved the removal of any of your organs like most of the doctor’s experiments, but it did nothing to stop the sob that rose in your throat.

You froze. There was no way Valdemar hadn’t heard you. They had been incredibly accommodating with you this entire time, but no doubt your crying would anger them finally. Your luck had to run out eventually. You didn’t look up as they moved towards you, their heels clicking on the stone floor.

“I’m sorr-“

Your apology was cute off when their hand grabbed your chin, forcing you to look at them. Their grip wasn’t painful, but the indifference in their eyes as they studied your face knocked the wind out of you like a fist.

“I’m so sorr-“

“Oxytocin.”

“What?”

“Oxytocin. Dreadful little chemical. But it’s always so fascinating how humans are such slaves to their hormones. In the end, what are humans but machines powered by chemicals and electrical currents?”

You shivered at their voice. That odd, detached way they spoke about humans as though they themselves were not one was also so unsettling, even if you were usually able to ignore it.

What happened next, however, was the weirdest thing to happen in all your time working under the doctor. Stiffly, and with no affection, Valdemar leaned forward and pressed their lips to your forehead. They did not pucker and they made no effort to actually kiss you, but their thin, cool lips against you was probably the closest they had ever gotten to it. It was the equivalent of pressing a lizard’s face against you for a few seconds, but it stopped your tears immediately.

“That will be sufficient comfort for you, I hope?”

“Yes, Doctor,” you replied, your voice soft with incredulousness. There was no way that had actually happened. All of this was some incredibly messed up dream. Clearly, you had been working too hard and were stressed.

“Good. Now, take your lunch hour and collect yourself. Be back here on time and set up the diaphanization chemicals. Don’t make me wait.”

“Yes, Doctor.”

Unsure of how to carry yourself, you half bowed, half curtsied before turning to ascend the stairs. Hopefully an hour would be enough time to process the last ten or so minutes. It probably wouldn’t be, but at least you were being given any time at all.

Before your foot had even hit the first step, you felt those long, thin fingers wrap tightly around your hips. You froze and your breath hitched in your throat.

“One last thing before you go,” Valdemar said softly, their breath tickling your ear as they spoke. “Do be sure to let me know if you start feeling distracted again. I need to take care of my favorite subject.”

[bopinion]

2021 / 29

Aperçu of the Week:

"You can tell a person's character by the jokes he laughs at."

Alfred Biolek

Biolek is a veteran of German television. In the 1970s, he produced the most successful TV show, "Am laufenden Band," and then he was in front of the camera himself: first talking and hosting, later also cooking, in each case as the first (!) in his field. Thanks to him, people in this country know Monty Python and The Police, for example. A great man, a star without airs and graces, an innovator and cultural leader, a man who was never prejudiced, never unfair, always in a good mood, always interested, never superficial, always friendly, who stood by his homosexuality - at a time when it was still considered disreputable, not only in his industry. I had the privilege of meeting him almost 30 years ago, as we both shared a valuable experience as exchange students with AFS. Dr. Alfred Franz Maria Biolek died yesterday in Cologne at the age of 87. Rest in peace!

Bad News of the Week:

The fourth wave is coming. It's already there in the UK and Spain. In France and Italy, the values are still (reasonably) low, but the growth is rapid. Thanks to the delta mutant, formerly known as the Indian. Here, everyone is watching spellbound for the infamous "7-day incidence," which so far has been slow to increase. That's about to change. Especially because the longed-for herd immunity will remain a utopia - because immunization above 85% is impossible if all children and adolescents are not considered for vaccination. And more and more so-called skeptics refuse - whereby an obligation to vaccinate would be an immense encroachment on fundamental rights, the justification of which is difficult. But is there a fundamental right to ignorance? I'm torn apart...

What is currently taking place in the UK is a large-scale medical experiment. Not under expert supervision in a laboratory, but completely detached in public. All Corona protections such as mask wearing or social distancing have been completely removed. At a time when the incidence is approaching 500 - the highest since the all-time high in January. In our country, it's under 15, and we're worrying about how to organize the start of school after the summer vacations. And Boris Johnson basically says to that, "Why not now? When then?". Well, for example, when the vaccination campaign is more advanced and the numbers are lower. But he'll know what he's doing - even if it's irresponsible. Let's see how British voters will remember this decision in his upcoming re-election.

But this is not the only area where the British government lacks logic in Corona measures. A work colleague of mine is Irish and was supposed to visit his mother next week. But she lives in Northern Ireland. Since he already has full vaccination protection, he didn't expect any problems - and now he would have to spend ten days in a quarantine hotel without being allowed to see his mother. That's over 70% of his total two-week stay. The reasoning is remarkable: according to British regulations, he is considered unvaccinated because a vaccination in an EU country is not recognized. Although it is the same vaccine in the same dose in the same schedule. But the stamp in his vaccination certificate is just the wrong one.

Good News of the Week:

"Pragmatism and melancholy" is the Tagesschau's headline about Angela Merkel's last federal press conference - a kind of forum for free questions from journalists - as chancellor in Berlin. After all, she will not be running again in the federal elections in just under two months. It was therefore not surprising that, in addition to current political issues, many media representatives primarily took stock of Merkel's 16-year term in office. The financial and the euro crisis, nuclear and coal phase-out, the EU and China, Corona and digitization, and so on. Life without crises is easier, but when they are there, they have to be dealt with, Merkel replied to the question of whether she felt flattered by the title "crisis chancellor." After all, last week U.S. President Joe Biden, another old hand in world politics, had remarked that she would be missed.

In an interview today, climate activist Luisa Neubauer, the German face of "Fridays for Future," accuses Merkel of not tackling the climate crisis in the proactive manner that is her style in other crises. Although this one is by far the biggest and most urgent. One might add, even though Merkel was once environment minister. And seems to overlook two things: first, nuclear and coal phase-out ultimately serve climate protection. And secondly, there is no patent remedy, no reference, no example, no role model. Perhaps that's the point: who should be able to tackle the issue in a decisive way if not someone who is internationally acknowledged, respected across party lines, unpretentious and without any self-interest, scientifically sound, moderating and balancing, pragmatic and energetic? So who, if not Merkel?

Dr. Angela Dorothea Merkel turned 67 two weeks ago. Unlike Helmut Kohl - the other chancellor who ruled for what felt like an eternity of 16 years and ended up looking powerless and burnt out - it's hard to imagine Merkel going from one day to another just reading books and trying out potato salad recipes. And we have learned from the U.S. that the political zenith is apparently not reached until the age of 70+. And from demography we have learned that women live longer and are more efficient in old age than men. So: starting this fall, there will be an "elder stateswoman" in waiting on the world stage, who I personally would like to see again in every conceivable position. EU Council president, UN secretary general, pope, conductor, chef - I don't care. But give her something to do. She won't screw it up. Thank you, Mrs. Merkel, for providing a solid counterbalance to all the testosterone and alpha dog behavior in our nation, in Europe and a little bit in the whole world all these years. Of course, not all that glitters is gold, and even you haven't done everything right. But your taking stock is positive, and that's what remains at the end of the day.

Personal happy moment of the week:

I have never owned a purse. Probably because I never had enough money ;-) So coins always end up in a big box that the kids carry to the bank by the kilo on World Savings Day. And for bills, I had a plain money clip by Danish designer Georg Jensen, whose functional-style silversmithing helped shape industrial design in Scandinavian countries. I had already lost it once and after much research was able to purchase one again. A good half year ago I scatterbrained lost it again. Fuck the 20, 30 euros - but my beautiful clip was gone. And this time it was impossible to find another one. Yesterday, I put on a suit that I obviously hadn't worn for a long time - because in my pants pocket I found my money clip. Empty, but valuable. I got it back. And my personal happy moment of the week.

I couldn't care less...

...for the Olympic Games. Because they are so far from the original ideal of the sporting high office of the amateurs, endlessly commercialized, run by a corrupt organization, without any grounding and leaving the same too often burnt. I can still remember the promises made before the Summer Games in Beijing in 20008: sport would be an ambassador of peace and democratization, the Olympics would have a lasting effect on politics and society. Really? Nothing at all has happened. Except that the 2022 Winter Games will once again be held in Beijing. Bravo!

As I write this...

...it's thundering and lightning in the mountains again. And everybody is afraid that there will be heavy rain, squalls and hail again. Because the soils, especially in the disaster areas of the last week, are still waterlogged and loose and many dams no longer exist. So it only takes a comparatively small amount of rain to have mudslides, rivers overflowing their banks, and flooded homes again. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for all of us.

[burntmcnuggies]

A Hopeless Fight

Yandere Levi x Reader

Warning: this story contains blood, gore, and suggestive themes such as kidnapping, murder, non-consensual touching, forced sex, and drug usage. You guys have been warned! Now all of you who wanna read! Please enjoy! :D

Chapter Two: Betrayal

“Thank you, nurse (Y/N)!”

“Wow! You draw so good!”

“You’re my favorite nurse!”

All of the ill little kids ran around me happily with pictures of themselves I had drawn for them just moments ago. Their happy laughs warmed my heart, a feeling I would never forget. “Well, I hope to one day become your doctor. Sadly my little brother passed away from Lung cancer. I’ve made it my goal to help those with similar issues. Someday... I hope to find a cure for the diseases, and help people just like you guys, live a long and happy life.” The beautiful sparkle in their eyes spoke a million words to me. Admiration, happiness, enthusiasm, and most of all... hope. I kneeled down and smiled, opening my arms for the sweet kids to embrace. They came to me with happy smiles and childish giggles before enveloping me in a warm hug. I wrapped my arms around as many as I could, before grinning playfully. “Oh no... what’s this? Oh no! The tickle monster has escaped! Everyone run to the beds!”

The children energetically ran to the beds shouting and laughing happily while their small bodies climbed up into their hospital beds. It was getting close to their treatment time, and I need all of them to be good while the other doctors came in and administered their chemotherapy or steroids and antibiotics. “Alright now, you guys be good. I trapped the tickle monster for now, but if he hears another peep... or complaint by the doctors...” I pulled my hand up with a smile and moved my fingers towards them, wiggling them wildly like a spider. The kids laughed and shouted a flurry of protests to my hand. I brought up my other hand and took a step forward wiggling both my hands and fingers. “I may just let him go to tickle all those naughty children!!” I smiled warmly at their small giggles and childish protests and pleas for me not to bring the tickle monster back. A short laugh came fell from my lips hearing them so happy, so cheerful and lively. Just how my brother was until his last moments. “Goodbye, children. I’ll see you all later, alright?”

“Ok! Bye Nurse (Y/N)!”

“A-Ah! Nurse (Y/N)!” I turned hearing the familiar voice of Dr. Zöe’s assistant, Moblit. Poor man seemed like he hasn’t slept in what appeared to be days. Dark droopy circles were under his eyes, but I could tell by the way his pupils were dilated he had most likely been chugging caffeine like crazy. “Oh, hey Moblit! What’s up? You seem in a rush.” He looked quite frantic, I wonder if something happened?he had an entire box full of medical supplies in his hands. I took a peek inside and realized it was the medicine for the children. Ah, so that’s why he looks so frantic. Before he could open his tired mouth I stopped him. “The children should be all good now, Moblit. I’ve put them in their beds and they should behave while you and some other doctors give them their meds.”

He sighed in relief. “You’re really the best, (Y/N).” He caught a few other doctors in the hallway and called them to help him administer the medicine faster. I only gave him a smile and waved goodbye as the dirty blonde and a team of lower ranked doctors walked calmly into the room. I turned on my heel to start down the hallway towards my next task, before Moblit stopped me. “Oh! I forgot to tell you! Hanji would like to see you in her office.” I tilted my head a bit in confusion. Just an hour ago at lunch she had assigned me a couple tasks to do before I went home. Maybe she needed my help with something? Or a new task for me to complete. “Oh ok! Thank you, Moblit! And get some sleep tonight! You need it!” He just smiled sheepishly and waved bye as he disappeared behind the sliding glass doors.

I began my journey towards Hanji’s office, but I couldn’t help but feel a bit paranoid walking down the hallways. After learning that a serial killer was evident in town from the news, I couldn’t help but feel extra cautious. No one has seen this suspicious and stealthy individual. Is it a man? A woman? All I know is, they knew what they were doing. There was no evidence whatsoever linking anyone to the crimes at all. Nothing. The wave of paranoia washed over my body like a tide coming in during the night. Rough, unexpected, and dangerous. The tides have been known to drag people into rip currents and drag them far below the surface. These currents also known as curiosity. You couldn’t help but wonder the motives of the person behind all of this. Pleasure? Revenge? A sadistic nature? It was all confusing. Taking a human life, even thinking of the heinous crime made vomit rise in my throat.

I shook my head firmly and swallowed thickly, pushing the repulsive thoughts to the back of my brain to be revisited at a possibly later date. My eyes trained on everyone I passed by. Any one of these people could be the murderer, playing a façade to trick innocent people. You could never be too careful, however, I would soon pay the price for my carelessness. I finally arrived at Hanji’s office and gave three firm knocks, awaiting a response from the messy-haired brunette. A faint reply came from the other side of the wooden door, and I carefully pushed it open, closing it behind me before I made my way to the chair opposite of her mahogany desk. She looked quite distressed, which was unusual for the eccentric woman.

“Hey Hanji, what’s up? You seem a little out of it. Are you okay?” I noticed a thin layer of sweat graced her forehead, and her muscles were oddly tense. Her hands wouldn’t stop fidgeting, whether it be with each other or anxiously pulling at loose hangnails. During my studies at med school, I quickly identified the signs. Nervousness. It was very out of character for Hanji. In all honesty, it made me more paranoid than I already was. “I’m fine, (Y/N). I promise you. There’s an ambulance coming in a few minutes with a couple bags of blood. It’s not like we need them, but it’s always good to be over prepared right?” I hesitated before I nodded. Why was she acting so strange? Is she just as bothered by the news earlier than I am? At lunch she seemed fine, why now? “Would you mind assisting me?”

“Oh! Sure! When’s the ambulance coming?”

“Soon. We should head down now just to ensure that we’re there in time so we can get that blood cold.”

I have her a small fake smile and nodded. Her fingers calmed for a brief moment before she began to type on her computer, pushing her glasses up to her head. Usually l could always see what she was doing from the reflection off her glasses. It was never anything bad, usually writing up reports or checking on patients. It was almost like she was hiding something. “You’re too smart for your own good sometimes, (Y/N).” I perked up hearing the sudden compliment come from her. The last click of the keys was heard and she closed her laptop, slipping her glasses back over her eyes. “Pardon?” I questioned, a bit taken aback by her sudden compliment about me smart. She smiled with a laugh and skipped on over to me, patting my back harshly as if I were choking on something. “I said you’re smart! I’m incredibly lucky to have such an amazing med student going to work for me in the future!”

“Ow, that kinda hurt a little! But thank you Hanji! I’m very excited to finish up and come back to work here full time.” Maybe I was just being too paranoid. There was no way Hanji could be worried. She’s a bit scary when she wants to be. Maybe she’s just having a bit of a stressful day? We strolled down the corridors towards the East wing of the hospital, talking about nothing in particular. When we reached the stairs Hanji had grown painfully quiet. It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Why was she being so quiet all of a sudden. “Geez... I’m so tired. Maybe I should finally get some sleep tonight!” She turned back to me and showed me a tired and lazy smile. I nodded in agreement, flashing a kind smile back towards her. “Yeah. You work yourself to death here Hanji. It’s very admirable, but you’re still human too.”

“Guess you’re right! Here we are!” She opened the doors to the loading area where nurses and other hospital staff were usually down here loading boxes, stocking shelves, and collecting deliveries. However, it was empty. I tilted my head in confusion. “Where is everybody?” Hanji waved off my question with a sly grin as she waited now enthusiastically for the ambulance to arrive. Her mood swings were a bit alarming. Maybe she really is just too tired and she’s trying to act like her usual self. Not the first time I’ve seen it, but this time her kids swings were more frequent and clear. “Ah, I let them go home early half an hour ago. This is the last shipment for today that called last minute. Didn’t wanna call them back! We’re strong, confident, independent women! We can do this by ourselves!”

I roll my eyes and smile patiently waiting for the ambulance to arrive. Soon, the square looking vehicle had rounded the circular pavement and stopped right near the door. A man got out of the front of the car, rather short I had to admit. He wore a hat that covered a majority of his face, and dark sunglasses. He wore some scrubs, which was very uncommon for someone in an ambulance. Usually they would wear similar outfits as policemen, however there would be differences in the patchwork on their shirts. The man approached us and nodded, tipping his hat to Hanji as a silent greeting. I placed a fake smile on my lips while Hanji went to grab the clipboard from his hand.

“(Y/N)! Could you go grab the boxes from the truck!” I gave her a firm nod and opened the doors of the ambulance, my eyes instantly falling upon a couple styrofoam boxes. I hopped up into the chilly space of the square-like space and made my way to the boxes. The boxes were a bit heavy, but I assumed there were at least 10 pints in each. Only three boxes in total. I made my way out of the ambulance and watched Hanji and the man from the ambulance talk. “Thanks, (Y/N)! I’ve gotta talk to my friend for a minute so keep working without me!” I placed the box down near the door and walked back towards the two. The man quickly snapped his head towards me and I couldn’t help but flinch in surprise. “Oh sorry! Don’t mind him! He’s a hit on edge from all the murder talk...”

“Oh! No I totally get it, sorry if I startled you sir.” I smiled at him and went back to work grabbing the last two boxes. During those few minutes, I could feel a pair of eyes penetrating my skull with every move I made. I took a couple glances and noticed a pair of dark covered eyes following me whenever I moved. A chill went down my spine. Something seemed off, something just wasn’t quite right. When I picked up the last box, it wasn’t even the least bit heavy. I tilted my head in confusion before I turned around. I took a blind step forward before I came to my senses and saw the short guy in scrubs standing and blocking my way out of the car. “Ah, excuse me, sir.” I said politely and smiled towards him. The man still refused to move. Now it was getting suspicious.

I stepped forwards a bit and attempted to get past him, but suddenly something sharp stabbed my neck. I jerked quickly away in pain and dropped the box, noticing a syringe in the mans hand, without any liquid in it. My body began to feel woozy, and I stumbled a bit feeling my body going numb. “What... did you do... to me...?” The man caught me swiftly when I began to fall, and he easily threw me into the back of the ambulance. I groaned in pain and gasped weakly at the sudden pain that erupted from my side. My vision was beginning to blur, but I could focus just enough to make out their faces. Hanji and the man stood at the foot of the ambulance, both just staring at me. “Well done! I didn’t think you would actually be able to hit her correctly with the needle!”

Hanji...? What’s going on?

“Tch, shut up shitty glasses. The main thing is that she’s in the truck.” Why? Why Hanji?! Why are you doing this?! Suddenly, I could barely feel the edge of the ambulance dip as they both climbed back in to come to me. The man took off the hat and glasses, and revealed his face to me. It was Corporal Levi, the man who was supposed to be solving the case of the serial killer. Wait... does that mean?! “Gotta hand it to you, brat. You’re not as stupid as you look.” He grabbed my hair and tugged my face up. I winced weakly and felt my vision slowly start to fade. I could still hear faint voices, but they seemed so far away. Hanji’s regretful face was the last thing I saw. My friend... or so I thought. “I’m really sorry, (Y/N). But... like I said earlier, you’re just too smart for your own good.”

And I lost consciousness, with a heavy burden on my heart. Sadness bubbling in my chest. My mind was plagued with one singular thought.

The reasoning behind my friends betrayal.

[demonboidies]

𝓼𝓲𝓬𝓴𝓵𝔂 - 𝓶𝓲𝓷 𝔂𝓸𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓲, 𝓳𝓾𝓷𝓰 𝓱𝓸𝓼𝓮𝓸𝓴, 𝓴𝓲𝓶 𝓷𝓪𝓶𝓳𝓸𝓸𝓷

pt. 5 

word count: 2,775

<this is a yandere story, therefore this is a trigger warning for emotional abuse, manipulation, toxic relationships and overall unhealthy obsession towards the reader/mc/yn>

tag list: @taezeus​ @jooniescupcakes @aesthetically-messed-up @okpoke​  @aysha489​ @iwannabeanidol (comment under this post to be added, if you comment anywhere else i won’t see it) 

➣min yoongi

      producer, song-writer, and lyricist. 25 years old and enjoys his own personal times as much as he enjoys naps. has dark brown hair and pale skin. (similar to his wings era looks but brown hair)

you locked the door after dropping the boys off. on the journey to the college, you discovered how energetic the trio really was. you figured they would've been as tired as you were to be up at 7 am when you were in college.

checking the paper that was still in your hand, you saw the name Min Yoongi next. walking back to your room, you unlocked the cabinet door with your key and saw a pill bottle with the patient's name on it.

you knocked softly on his door and a grunt was the only response you got. entering the room you took note of how much darker the aesthetic was prior to the previous male. his walls were painted gray and his sheets were gray and black. everything matched a minimalist aesthetic and you appreciated the chill music that was playing from the record player in the corner of the room.

"yoongi?" you called out softly, shutting the door as quiet as possible.

"hng..." was the only response and you smiled softly at his relatable tone. no one in your book enjoyed waking up so early.

"i have your medication you have to take." at your words he slowly, very slowly, sat up with his hand sticking out. you placed the capsule in his hand and looked for water for him to take it with. "ah. sorry. please wait as i get you the water."

he dismissed your worry, swallowing the pill right down, a sigh leaving his lips afterward. "what time is it?" he asked quietly in a meek voice.

"its 08:45." you answered, peaking down at the schedule in your hand. it was really short for this individual. simply turn on his desktop and switch his record playing to a hip hop album. then get him a fresh cup of instant

so you did as it said, not noticing the trailing eyes that were on you the whole time. yoongi watched with a small smile as you diligently worked, even if you only had to shake the mouse awake. he loved the smile on your face when it finally turned on. but your expression faltered at the sight of his lock screen.

"uhm. yoongi? who's your lockscreen?"

his one eye peeked open, trying to hide his panic. he had forgotten to change it before you came. "uhm, no one. i got it off of the internet."

he threw the covers aside, softly moving you aside from the desktop. "just-just could you change the record and get me my coffee..." he smiles weakly, trying to hide his nerves, "i can't function without it. especially in the mornings." he explained to try and cover himself up. you nodded, letting it slide. you probably were the one at fault anyway, why did you even question him? ugh, you were being so stupid.

there was no way that it was actually you as the lockscreen...that's impossible considering you only met the lot yesterday. your eyes were probably just playing a game with you.

you delicately switched the music, hearing the crackly, yet relaxing beat of a rapper you didn't know the name of. you went to the kitchen and came back up to his room a few minutes later with a steeping cup of hot coffee. he smiled thankfully to you, taking the mug from you.

"thank you." he said and you turned away, about to leave. but the light pressure around your wrist made you turn around with a confused expression. the expression on his face looked as if he was hurting as he touched you, like your contact of skin on skin was burning him.

"so-sorry if I offended you earlier. i-you just caught me off guard with that question." he retracted his hand and scratched a spot behind his ear, a habit you assumed was formed out of anxiety.

"oh, don't worry about it. I should've watched my own mouth. it's not my business what your lockscreen is anyway." you said with a light chuckle. he shook his head with a small pout, which was the cutest thing in your opinion.

"don't blame yourself. it really is my fault." he retorted with the shake of his head. almost like he was disappointed in himself.

"why don't we meet in the middle and say it wasn't any of our faults?" you proposed, deeming it useless if you continued arguing about whose fault it was.

he chuckles at the proposition and nodded. "fine." a smile graced your lips and you continued to take your leave from his room.

"have a nice morning, yoongi." you said softly and he returned it with a grateful smile. shutting the door behind you, you didn't hear the breath of relief he let out.

"such an oblivious girl~~" was the tiny mutter he let out as he clicked away on his desktop, getting right to work.

➣jung hoseok

      choreographer, dancer, and produces and raps occasionally. always working although he does enjoy joking around with the maknae line and being goofy with them. he's a child at heart, beaming with energy and curiosity, although he does get a switch in aura due to his mental disabilities occasionally. has a light tinge of red in his hair although the undertones are true brown color (DNA era). 25 years old.

the giddy dancer was the next to be confronted. upon entering his room, you saw the immediate difference and contrast between the two.

his room was painted a bright, but not obnoxious, yellow. it was dulled down a bit and he had an eccentric colorful poster on his wall, just above the headboard of his bed. reading the color font, you made out the words 'HOPE WORLD.' perhaps it was a movie that you haven't heard of.

as for the male you were supposed to wake up, he was already sitting in front of the large screen of his room.

"good morning hoseok." you said cheerfully, almost like your mood had brightened by the mere sight of his wallpaper.

"ah, good morning!" his eyes didn't leave the screen. "sorry, unfortunately, i can't pause Tetris 99 and i'm ranked pretty high right now..." his voice was fading as he continued to focus on the colorful blocks on his screen.

you maneuvered around him, making sure not to cover his vision from his intense game. you sat at his desk, placing the pills labeled with his name into your hand. you had to wait until he was finished until you could give him his pills.

so you watched and got unreasonably attached to his game as well.

"shit..." he cursed lowly under his breath when it showed he was eliminated. honestly, you were yelling at which directions to put the blocks and how to edit their position, but for the sale of professionalism, you held that urge to yell back.

"better luck next time," you said with an encouraging smile. his annoyed expression was washed away immediately like he had taken off an invisible mask, and a wide smile spread his face.

"yup! thanks for the encouragement. it means a lot!" he took the pills on his desk, swallowing without a problem. "have the others been treating you well? the little ones aren't causing trouble right?"

you chuckled at the reference of the maknae line, shaking your head. "everyone is super sweet and nice~ no one has caused trouble." you pushed away the thought of the minor bump in the road at yoongi's room.

"i'm a good boy too right? i don't act up~~" he put his hand under his chin and pursed his lips cutely. he surely was cute. you held back the urge to pinch his cheeks. so all you could do was laugh with a light blush and nod.

"yes, hoseok. you're a good patient." you ruffled his hair slightly.

"awe, am i only a patient to you?" a cute pout now was on his lips, putting his hand on his sides as an upset child would.

"well, hopefully, we become closer as friends." you said in a sing-song voice stepping towards his door. "would you like me to come back to remind you of your studio opening? or do you think you could manage?"

hoseok thought. he always remembered when his studio opened, he was the owner and couldn't let his students down by being late. usually, he was a good 20 minutes early just to clean up. but that would mean you would come back and see him. so, with the two options, he obviously chose the latter.

"just for safety precaution, please come back around to remind me." you nodded in understanding.

"have a nice morning then, and see you soon hoseok." you were about to shut his door before his voice called out to you.

"wait!" he rushed to the doorway, opening it wider as he smiled, "call me hobi from now on. after all, we are gonna wanna become comfortable if you wanna be close friends! i hear nicknames are good ways of doing so. so call me hobi from now on, okay?"

you couldn't say no, especially when he was beaming with a smile like a little puppy. he was so unreasonably cute, it was unfair.

"alright then, hobi, have a good rest of the morning." you made sure to exaggerate the new nickname, thinking it would make him happy. and it did and it showed through his bright smile.

this time you shut the door without him interrupting, continuing on with your job and going down the hallway a bit more to namjoon's room.

meanwhile, hoseok was on his bed, face down in the pillows. in his arms was one that was suffering from his tight hug that he was enveloping it with. he had to bite back a squeal knowing you were only a few feet away from his room.

'i'm a good boy, she said so herself.' he said with a light blush, kicking his feet in ecstasy. 'i can't let her down now, i'll be good for her and only her.'

➣kim namjoon

      online college courses so most of his mornings are spent in his office doing work. very smart and excels in most of his classes. occasionally will accompany jin on his out of country trips, just to be a helping hand if needed. blondish, blonde hair, usually exposing his forehead. he's 25 years old and does also confide in his lyrical book to relieve stress.

you stopped a moment in front of the door, leaning your head against the door. your eyes were widened a bit, seeing how long his list was. you soon realized that is was like that because it contained his school schedule (which was several pages long, he didn't keep out details.)

suddenly, the door was swung open, leaving you to fall out of balance. luckily, namjoon acted fast enough to catch you. he was careful with his hands, not wanting to intrude on your personal space. he kept his arms stiff as he caught you from your underarms.

"oh my go-! i'm so sorry namjoon," you bowed profusely, trying to hide the embarrassment in your voice. although, it didn't help much. his familiar chuckle left his lips as he shook his head.

"it's fine," he said with a sweet smile, "i suppose i should apologize too for scaring you. sorry, i had just seen someone's shadow by the door, wanted to see who it was." he explained, keeping the same sweet smile on his face.

you nodded in understanding, digging into your small bag for his dosage. "would you like water?"

"ah, yes. i do need water, unlike the others, i have trouble swallowing these pills down."

rushing to get water, you came back upstairs with a full small glass and a tired smile. "sorry, i should've added that to your notes. i'll be sure to add that on later." he said before swallowing his dose.

"well, i would hate to cut our conversation short but i do need to continue on working. duty does call, unfortunately." he said with a heavy sigh. he didn't want to leave you prescence, but he needed to finish his work before anything else. maybe if he worked hard enough, he would get to spend alone time with you before lunch.

so as you nodded and shut his door, he dashed to his desk and worked as fast. but effectively as possible. without taking a second glance at the click the whole time, he was clicking through pages of pages of articles. at with all this rushing to get finished, he was done at a new record speed of an hour and forty-five minutes.

that was half his time than usual. and he was giddy and excited to have some personal time spent with you. he left his room, shutting the door and bringing his cup of water with him as he walks down the stairs.

however, his rushed feet paused as he heard you laughing. along with a familiar laughter mixed in with yours.

"hobi! stop, i won fair and square!" giu exclaimed as hoseok stomped his feet childishly. he was acting like a child and that was what triggered your laughter. meanwhile, namjoon was scowling at the scene.

of course, he had to ruin the moment. he was supposed to talk to you for some time longer. whatever, he would get his way with you eventually, he told himself.

"what are you two doing?" namjoon voiced, walking closer to you two. in the center of the room there was a giant flat screen TV and it displayed the image of mario kart. "ah, nevermind. i'll let you two have your own time."

hoseok smirked victoriously seeing namjoon's disheartened attitude. "no! come on join us! hoseok had to leave for his studio anyway."

the younger of the two lifted his head hopefully, the cutest smile basking his features.

"really?"

"what-no-!"

"hobi, we can have a rematch mater. you have to go to your studio remember?" you reminded the male, who slouched on defeat. his victorious smile long gone as he stood from his position on the couch.

his bag was already packed for the studio and he hid you two a farewell, not without glaring at namjoon when you weren't paying attention. the other simply smiled innocently, waving bye almost mockingly to hoseok's retreating figure.

"to be honest, i'm kinda scared to go against you. hoseok is second best to jin in this house, so you must be really skilled."

you smiled confidently, "not to toot my own horn, but i've been playing since i was a kid." the newfound fact about yourself made namjoon smile fondly at you.

"well let's hope lady luck is on my side today."

she wasn't. he just all the races you two played, leaving you to pat his shoulder reassuringly even though a prideful smirk was on your lips.

"i demand a rematch, that was not fair!"

tou checked your phone, standing up with a smile. "afraid not at this moment. i've got to get the younger ones from school."

namjoon stood up and followed your walking figure, that was getting closer to the door. "we can send a driver to pick them up, come on just one more."

"sorry, duty calls, like you said earlier." namjoon let out a weak chuckle, not liking how his own words bit him in the butt.

"fine, but i expect a game when you come back."

"we will see namjoon, see you later." you waved and departed, leaving the male to slouch where he stood.

as you drove off to the college, jin sat in his wheelchair as yoongi leaned against the stairwell railing observing Namjoon.

"he's smart, but too selfish." yoongi noted, glaring at namjoon's figure.

"you're one to talk, you maniac."

"oh shut up, poser."

"ah, yoongi, you know I prefer romancer." the eldest winked as the other rolled his eyes at the statement.

| and that's the hyung line! sorry for the long wait =/ maknae line coming up next, apologies for any typos|

[sgmwesters]

╰ ❛ 💉 — › sophia bush. cis woman. she/her. . ╯ have you met matilda chambers yet ? this thirty four year old aries has been living in the seattle area for ten years. she makes a living as an emergency room doctor, which is best suited for their compassionate, composed, defensive, and stubborn personality. rumour has it by adele is one of their favorite songs, and they’re written by em, 25, gmt, she/her, no triggers.

B A S I C   I N F O R M A T I O N

full name: matilda helena chambers.

nickname(s): mats, tilly.

age: thirty four (34).

date of birth: 28 march 1987, libra.

hometown: san diego, california.

current location: seattle, washington.

ethnicity: caucasian.

nationality: american.

gender: cis female.

pronouns: she/her.

orientation: i’m so sick of filling this out.

religion: questioning.

political affiliation: democrat.

occupation: emergency room doctor.

living arrangements: suburban house.

language(s) spoken: english, spanish.

accent: american.

P H Y S I C A L    A P P E A R A N C E

face claim: sophia bush.

hair color: brunette.

eye color: green.

height: 5 ft 7.

weight: irrelevant.

build: slender.

tattoos: you’d have to find out.

piercings: ears.

clothing style: depends on the mood - girl has range.

usual expression: warm.

distinguishing characteristics: dimples.

H E A L T H

physical ailments: none.

neurological conditions: none.

allergies: strawberries.

sleeping habits: fluctuates.

eating habits: tries to be good.

exercise habits: tries to be good.

emotional stability: about a seven.

sociability: friendly, likes to socialise.

body temperature: usually cold.

addictions: none.

drug use: none.

alcohol use: wine is her bff.

P E R S O N A L I T Y

positive traits: compassionate, composed.

negative traits: defensive, stubborn.

fears: losing everything she’s worked for.

F A V O U R I T E S

weather: actually likes the rain.

colour: probably something bright and cheerful.

music: anything she can have a dance to.

movies: little miss sunshine.

sport: softball.

beverage: white wine, caramel latte.

food: could eat an endless bowl of pasta.

animal: had a weird obsession with parrots growing up.

H E A D C A N O N S

matilda was born to parents who were both medical professionals, who made no secret of how much they wanted one of their kids to follow in their footsteps at least. at times, matilda felt as though she was being pushed into the medical field, and although she knew that she could say no at any point, she couldn’t quite bring herself to.

she excelled in school, again as was expected of her. she tried to be the picture perfect daughter, and fit into the picture perfect family that she had been so destined to be born into. a picture perfect family filled with cracks that she had been too young, or too naive, to see.

matilda had never been one to suspect that anything untoward might have been happening in the walls of her family home. she’d been so focussed on what she needed to do to fit in, to be just right. 

learning that her father had been cheating on her mother tore the family apart. she didn’t understand how he could have done that not just to her mother, but to the whole family. she didn’t understand why her mother couldn’t see it happening either, even though she had been just as oblivious. the picture perfect family was torn apart while matilda was in high school, and she couldn’t have been more thankful to escape for college when she did.

matilda attended the university of washington for pre-med, where she fell in love with seattle. it was a stark contrast to san diego, and that was the majority of the appeal for her. it was far from the life she’d lived before.

matilda had to move for med school - attending baylor college of medicine. texas hadn’t been her first choice, but for her it was just a stop-gap onto the road she had been paving for herself. and besides, anywhere was better than risking going back to california and facing what was inevitably a messy divorce that was occurring between her parents.

as soon as she was able (and matched), matilda hopped on the first flight back to seattle. she couldn’t explain what the pull to it was, but it was there and it just felt right for her. the feeling stayed as she continued to learn at seattle presbyterian.

while working at seattle presbyterian, matilda met the person that she would then go on to marry. if you’d asked matilda, it was everything that she’d thought her parents marriage had been - two people in love, with nothing that could come between them.

ever the optimist, matilda thought that was it - that she’d met the person she would spend her life with, and that was that. apparently the picture perfect life she’d always wanted was a reality.

or so she’d thought. they’d only been married for a couple of years when the rumours started - that they weren’t as committed to matilda as she was to them, and that there was a side to their relationship that matilda didn’t want to admit existed.

for the most part, that mentality had worked, but ignoring the signs became increasingly harder the more when they were pointed out to you, clear as day. matilda told herself that it couldn’t be so - that they were happy. 

finding a blonde in their bed hadn’t been part of the plan - and was impossible to ignore. then med student laurel davis wrapped up in the sheets that she had picked out, in the house that she had made a home? for the first time, the resentment matilda had felt for her mother for not being able to see what was going on dissipated, and left matilda feeling even more like a fool. 

matilda went straight back into her mode of denial. it was just one person - one slip, that she had caught in the act, and they would be fine. but one slip was never the case, and matilda couldn’t let it go as much as she wanted to. she became more paranoid, questioning of every person in their lives wondering if maybe they had been in her bed too.

matilda was at first determined not to let this break their marriage. she was better than that, or so she told herself, better than her mother. and ultimately, that was where this all stemmed from - making sure she didn’t turn into the same person she had so resented. 

matilda had them doing marriage counselling, retreats when they could get away, anything they could possibly to do to make things better. she couldn’t shake the feeling that it wasn’t working, and that she was only driving her spouse to be all the more sneaking about their extra-curriculars.

a year ago, matilda moved to work at seattle grace with best friend maya rodriguez, on the advice that maybe the pair working in the same hospital and living under the same roof might be more pressure than needed, and could give them more of a chance. matilda didn’t buy it, seeing it as giving them more opportunities to cheat, but she kept it to herself. she was willing to do anything. 

as she suspected, it hadn’t worked in the way that they had hoped. matilda was still worried, and with a frank conversation with the therapist, she and her spouse came to the decision that they would take a break. they were, for all intents and purposes, strangers to one another. and that was how they had to act. matilda would stay in the house while the spouse moved out, so see if time apart could heal what had gone on.

it’s been a month since their break began, and matilda would be lying to herself if she said that she could see them coming back from this - and she’d be lying even more if she wasn’t still wondering just how many people around her knew the truth, especially seeing laurel in the halls of seattle grace.

W A N T E D    C O N N E C T I O N S / P L O T S

the spouse give us that DRAMA, maybe wanting to make it work or make it worse  (or someone to convince her to leave the spouse for GOOD ya know 👀, or even just a good time for a hot minute in between pls she been through a lot)

someone stop me what if it’s like callie/mark/arizona vibes and her good time gets her pregnant when the spouse wants to work things out lord who am i

all sorts of friends and good vibes would be 10/10

i would be open to her having some family members knocking around

[myhappyendings32]

Life Altercation’s

Chapter 9

Calzona AU: Callie Torres had it all, popularity, captain of the cheerleading squad, dating the starting Quarterback of Seattle Grace Mercy West High School football team, a straight A student, and with the love and support of her family she is one her way to a full ride scholarship to medical school at Johns Hopkins. What happens when tragedy hits? Will a blued eyed blonde-haired fire cracker be able to lead her back on track or will she be forced to give it all up?

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or phrases of Greys Anatomy, if I did Callie and Arizona would still be together.

__________________________________________________

‘Hakuna Matata!

What a wonderful phrase

Hakuna Matata!

Ain’t no passing craze

It means no worries, for the rest of your days

It’s our problem-free

Philosophy,

Hakuna Matata!’

Thanks to the Oxycodone that Callie was prescribed for her routine meds, the little dance party to Hakuna Matata, that the girls and I have going on is not affecting the beautiful brunette sleeping in the bedroom across the hall one bit.

“I want dance with Nona, Emma!” Ashlyn pushes Emma out of the way to get closer too me.

Emma than retaliates and pushes her back. “Nooooo. She my sissy.”

These 2 have been spending way too long with each other, they are starting to fight like sisters. “Girls, no shoving, we need to have nice hands. Now you both can dance with me on each side.”

Apparently neither of them liked my solution to the problem. “Zona, we dance you me.” Emma looks directly at Ashlyn, glares at her and says; “Not Ashwin!”

“Emma, we can all dance together.” I say, and with that the water works are full on display.

“You don’t love me no mores.” She is lying on the ground arms and feet flailing up and down throwing a temper tantrum. “You like Ashwin more den me.”

2 almost 3 months ago Emma was diagnosed with Autism. Autism, or autism spectrum disorder, refers to a broad range of conditions characterized by challenges with social skills, repetitive behaviors, speech, and nonverbal communication, as well as by unique strengths and differences. We now know that there is not one autism but many types, caused by a combination of genetic and environmental influences.

Flashback

Dad, Emma, and I are sitting in the waiting room anticipating the arrival of a nurse to call us back. Today is the day we are going to find out why Emma is so quiet and standoffish at times also we would like to find out why her temper tantrums have gotten worse instead of better.

“Emma Robbins” The nurse calls out.

“That’s us” I respond, as far as asking and answering questions about Emma my father has left that up to me. He is there because of the adult factor, but knowing what to say and what to ask has never been his forte. Which surprises me because of his military background, nonetheless I don’t question it.

We are led out of the waiting room and into a room with Disney characters in lining the walls and medical supplies throughout the room. “I’m Mackenzie” Mackenzie gets down to Emma’s level and asks; “How are you doing miss Emma?”

Silence

“Hi, I’m Arizona, I am Emma’s older sister.” She is never going to get anything out of Emma. The only adult I have ever seen her talk to besides our dad is Calliope. “I’m sorry, but Emma is a hard person to get to talk.”

The nurse nods at my response. “I completely understand, a lot of kids are not a fan of the doctor and getting them to say anything is nearly impossible.”

“No, you don’t understand, her not talking is why we are here and her temper tantrums.”

Nodding, the nurse goes about taking Emma’s vital signs, and weight, at which Emma surprisingly abides to. After Nurse Mackenzie leaves we wait about 20 minutes, (but with Emma’s impatience it seems much longer) for the doctor to appear. “I am doctor Higgins M.D.” Smiling at Emma and then looking at my dad she inquires you must be Mr. Robbins?” She puts her hand out to shake.

My father being my father clears his throat and states; “That’s the Colonel” All I can do is roll my eyes. He is so embarrassing sometimes. I get his position in the military I really do, and I couldn’t be prouder of him, but don’t correct someone who calls you mister.

“Excuse me, my apologies Colonel.” He sits back down, and she looks at me and asks; “And you are?”

My hand flies out in front of me to shake her hand. “My name is Arizona Robbins, I am Emma’s sister. Also, if you could direct all your questions to me and if its all right with you I would like to be able to tell you what’s going on with Emma?”

The look on her face is filled with both amusement and concern. “Sure of course if that is what The Colonel wants?” Her gaze goes to my father and he gestures his head in a up and down motion. “Ok then, what is going on with Emma?”

“The last couple of months we noticed some drastic changes in her behavior. She goes quiet for a long period of time and when she does talk it’s very minimal. Within the last month she has started throwing temper tantrums and they only get worse each time.”

Dr. Higgins looks back to dad and again nods a yes in confirmation. “How has her eating habits been?”

“She eats’ as well as a normal 2-year-old eats. She is a meticulous eater will only eat select foods like Macaroni and cheese, she loves peaches, banana’s, and oranges, and sometimes depending on her mood I can get her too eat some meats such as chicken or turkey.” My sister comes walking up to me and puts both arms out for me to hold her. “Would it be ok if Emma sits on my lap?” She says yes and writes something in her notepad.

“Her weight is normal, vitals are normal.” Then why did she just ask me how her eating habits were? “I’m going to ask you a series of questions about Emma and I would like you to answer them as honest as possible.” I shake my head yes in agreement. “Question 1: How is Emma towards others outside of your household?”

“She won’t talk to anyone except for a friend of mine that I recently have been hanging out with.” My blue eyes sparkle just mentioning her.

Dr. Higgins follows up with another question. “Why do you think that your friend has that effect on her?”

“Honestly… I think it has more to do with her sister than anything else. She has a sister Emma’s age and they have really connected and I think that might have a lot to do with her liking Callie, but Callie is a great person in my opinion.”

The red headed Doctor continues on with her assessments and I happily answer all of them as truthfully as possible until she makes a diagnosis. “Sounds like she has Autism to me. Now it looks like she almost 3 which means that she will be eligible for school here soon? First, I would like you too to take her to another Doctor one who specializes in Autism at Seattle children’s Autism Center, just to confirm my suspicions, then if they confirm it I would like you too sign her up at Academy of Precision Learning.”

End of Flashback

Of course, it was confirmed that she has Autism, since then my dad signed her up for The Academy of Precision Learning and we have toured the place. I think this will be a good experience for her.

Picking Emma up off of the floor and carrying her over to the couch she is still wailing over what she believes is the word, but really its nothing. “Emma, you know I love you so much. Do you want to know how much I love you?” Her head pops up and she looks at me with my arms extended out to both of my sides. “I love you this much.” I extend wider to prove my point.

Her dimples pop out and her crying succumbs to sniffles. “Really?”

“You better believe it baby girl. I just think that Ashlyn should be able to dance with us too.” Her sniffles turn into a whine and her lips start too quiver. “How about we not dance and maybe watch a movie?”

Both Girls shout yay. Thank god, they like that idea. I am hoping that popping in the Lion King will put them to sleep and allow me to get the house cleaned, I also am hoping that I can put my plan into action to help relieve Callie’s stress.

It’s been a week since Calliope confessed about her mom and what happened. I cannot begin to fathom the hurt and agony that Calliope has gone through. Put that on top of losing her father, and now raising her little sister… how has she gone this long without help and not cracking?

The girls were pretty worn out from the dance party so not even ten minutes into the movie and both of them are out, now its time to get into action. Callie has been sleeping for an hour and will probably be waking up here soon, so I need to hurry in my restraint of time. __________________________________________________

“Wow, you got both of the girls asleep and the house looks amazing Arizona.” Callie says as she strides up towards me.

I help her over to the love seat and sit right next to her. After her heart felt confession, her and I have gotten very very close, both personally and affectionately. She trusts me now. Well… as much as she can. There are still times where she still tries too push me away, but I pull out my Robbins charm and bedazzle her with kindness. “Hey beautiful, how was your nap?”

Her hand ends up on my thigh and she starts to rub it as she gazes into my orbs. I really don’t think she knows what she does too me when she does that. Her eyes are glazed over, probably from the medicine, but it almost looks sexual. Callie had her first doctor’s appointment yesterday and where everything is looking great are hormones on the other hand have to be contained for at least 6 to 8 more weeks. I can’t wait and neither can she. She goes into give me a peck, which one peck leads to another peck, which leads to another and before I know it her tongue is invading my mouth, her hand that was messaging my thigh moves further towards where I would love her too be and right there I have too stop her. My hand moves to hers and halts it. I then make a stop too the kissing and growl at the loss of her lip.

“Wh-why did you stop?” She asks me confused. “It was getting good.”

I smirk she is almost as bad as a horny boy. “You know we aren’t allowed to do anything while your still in recover Calliope and it would look pretty bad if I was making you scream my name while the girls were right there.” Looking down at the precious sight I continue. “Besides I want too woo you take you out on an official date before you and I go all the way.”

“Okay… I guess you are right. It’s just kissing you feels so good I can’t help myself sometimes.”

I know what she is talking about. Pulling back is getting too be harder and harder every time. Instead of answering her I change the subject. “Christmas is a few days away what are your plans?” When I say a few days away I mean 5 days. I love this time a year.

She shrugs her shoulders. “I’m not sure.” The lust that was in her eyes dissipates into tears and sadness. “I haven’t even gotten Ashlyn her presents, not even sure I will have the money for Christmas presents for her. I’ve been out of work for almost 3 months and I only had not even a week of vacation and sick time. The last time I got paid was a month and a half ago.”

Now I’m confused. “I thought that you were getting your parents inheritance?”

“I am, but not for another 7 months when I turn 18.” My dimples beam out as I am about to give her the surprise of a lifetime. “This is bad news Arizona. How can you smile?”

My hand finds hers and I start. “Calliope, I have talked to Dr. Richard Webber and a couple of approved staff that he told me that knows your situation and they are all doing a what they call an Angel tree. Usually the people that are doing the Angel Tree would go out and get the presents, but none of us was sure what exactly you or Ashlyn wanted or needed, So Dr. Webber pulled anonymously a pool of money and half is going towards you presents for you and your sister and the other half is going towards living expenses. To help out.”

She still has tears in her eyes, but I have a feeling that those tears are tears of joy. “Th-th-thank you.” She chokes out. “I L-llo love the Idea of that, but I can’t take someone else’s money. That’s not who I am.”

“Calliope Torres. You will take the money offered to you.” I get my bookbag that has a lock box and key that is capturing the money and grab the black metal box to retrieve the green bills hidden within the said box.

When I open it, her eyes nearly bug out of her head at the sight of all the bills. “There’s got to be thousands of dollars in there. I definitely can’t take that much…”

“You can, and you will Calliope. I have non-refundable money with me and the only person who is aloud to spend it is you, so you might as well start thinking of what you want to buy Emma for Christmas, because again you only have 5 days.” She gets up and heads into her room. “What are you doing?” I ask

“Bringing out the baby monitor so that I can take you to my bed and show you how much I appreciate you.” My mouth begins to move, and she puts her hand on it. “There is no rule that says we can’t have a good old fashion make out party.”

There isn’t any rule that says that. With a sultry whisper I state. “I will agree to this as long as there is no funny business” With that she is dragging me onto her bed.

__________________________________________________

Emma and I had to go home for more clothes and we needed to see what’s going on at the Robbins front. Emma had woken up first and, so I decided that taking her now was as good as any. I volunteered to bring Ashlyn, but Callie said that she was more than ok with keeping her there.

“Dad.” I bellow. “Emma and I are home.”

My dad is in the living room watching football. He is a big Seattle Seahawks fan and when he got transferred here he was the most excited I have ever seen him. Men and football, I tell you. “Hey pumpkin, I wasn’t expecting you home so soon?” Emma runs up too him and gave him a big hug with a daddy for extra. She may not show it much, but my dad has always been her favorite. Sometimes it takes being away for a while to realize that. “Hey peanut, how’s my favorite girl?” He asks as he tickles her tummy. He brings out a giggle that has been hidden away for a long time.

Even though I really want to be mad at the favorite girl, her giggling makes it hard. “We have run out of clothes and was just making sure that all was ok here. How’s Timmy doing, I haven’t seen him in almost a week?”

“He has been spending every waking moment with that girl he’s been seeing. I think her name is Tanya… no that’s not it.” He scratches his head.

“Teddy dad. You’re looking for Teddy and she is amazing I am glad that their relationship is working out. I do have a question and I need you to have an open mind about it?”

His face straightens up and he puts Emma down. “What’s going on?”

“Calliope and Ashlyn don’t have anywhere to go for Christmas and if you say no, I will understand, but I will have to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas with her and Ashlyn…”

My dad drops the magazine he had on the coffee table to get my attention. Damn, I have picked up her rambling. “What is your point sweetie.”

Taking a deep breath and spit out. “Can Callie and Ashlyn stay over at our house for Christmas eve and Christmas?”

He smiles picks up the remote to turn off the tv and says; “Of course they can stay with us. On one condition?”

“What’s that?” I question

“She has too sleep in a separate room.”

I think that can be arranged __________________________________________________

Thoughts?

AN: Wanted to post this on Christmas, but fanfiction was down and wasn’t letting me post. I will try and post today.

Guest that said that they wished there was more smut. I was thinking about that and if anyone would like to assist me with it that would be great.

Next, I do have quite a ways too go, but if anyone has anything they would like to see let me know.

AN2: Thank you everyone for the follows, Reviews, and favorites.

P.S. again if you want to give me a Christmas present hit that review button.

[studentnursedeeley]

My name is Valerie, I'm 28 years old and I'm Final Year Student Nurse from Stourbridge (near Dudley). Taylor Swift is my favourite recording artist of all time. I love you Taylor. Your music is the biggest escape for me. You have a song for each and everyone of my moods! I am in awe of you. You inspire me, and so many others. I know things haven't been easy for you. With your Mum being ill, people saying things in the media, other celebrities being horrible. I watched Miss Americana and that was such a beautiful film of your vulnerability. It was true and raw and I was captivated. I was 14 when I had your first album. You have got me through so many difficult years. I have had the privilege of being able to attend 2 of your concerts (I've never had alot of money). I saw you in 2015 at Hyde Park in London, then in 2018 at Wembley Stadium. Those are 2 magical memories I will never forget. I really wanted to come and see you this year after your Lover album release, but Nursing studies, and money this year won't let me. I cherish the time I spent with you. And I hope that one day I get to meet you, and say thank you. Because you have made life when it's tough bearable. You give me music I can get lost into. Music I can have a drive to, sing to, relax to if I need. You have changed my life. I really do love you. I have had a really rough couple of years. And my journey in life so far hasn't been easy. In 2014 I had my tonsils out after getting tonsillitis 8 times within a year. In 2015 my (now 17 year old) sister was diagnosed with autism, and I look after her. She is now in college. I'm so proud. In 2016 I fractured my leg during a kickboxing class. In 2018 I fractured my ankle trying to run away from a wasp (definitely not my proudest moment). Then later in 2018 my world turned upside down... My Dad suffers with cardiomyopathy. It's a disease that effects your heart muscle, it starts to fail. In November 2018 he was given a life expectancy of 2 years and the only thing that would save him is a heart transplant. In May 2019 he underwent invasive testing to see if he would be eligible for a heart and he wasn't. I went on a bit of a spiral downwards. Turns out I was grieving (according to my counsellor) and I also had severe depression (according to my doctor) as apparently its alot to process. I wanted to end myself at that point. I couldn't cope. Not only I had the news of my Dad to deal with, university was stressful, I had friends and family causing me stress. I decided I had to take a step back from my Nursing. I focused on myself, took medication (Sertraline; which I still do). While I took some time out, I ended up having my Gallbladder removed in July 2019. And kept in hospital for a week. Then in September my Mum after 23 years of being together and married to my Dad walked out on him. And has been causing so much grief ever since, telling lies to people, not supporting him. I've never got on with her anyway and she has always spoken to me like I'm dirt. So that's been stressful on my Dad and it's still on going and she is still causing stress. I then managed to finish my second year. While I was finishing my second year, I was also diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. As during my 4th placement (in my course there are 6 placements; 2 per year) I bled heavily for 10 weeks constantly. It was exhausting, not only being ill but getting through 12 and a half hour shifts. And before Christmas I found out my Grandpa has Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma (cancer). Then over the new year I was in hospital with a severe sinus and throat infection. I couldn't swallow. And shortly after that I ended up being ill again very badly with a kidney infection and urinary tract infection. I also recently found out the only thing that can help my Dad is an external heart pump. He is in urgent need for it, otherwise at any point he could drop down dead. While all of this has been going on. I've not given up on my dreams of being a Nurse and in less than a year I will become one. I applied for a job in February for a Nurse role when I qualify, and I ended up having an interview a couple of weeks ago and getting a job! So I'll be a Orthopaedic Surgical Nurse when I qualify! Through all of this my partner Steven has been my rock, best friend and my saving grace. Almost 7 years this year. He picked me up at my lowest last year when I was drowning. I did everything possible to push him away but he stuck by me. And I love him so much. Please can I have help getting this message to Taylor? I will love you all forever. Thank you. Love Val, Xoxoxo

[mrlnsfrt]

Tips for Personal Spiritual Growth

“that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:17-19 NKJV

If you’ve been seeking God it is likely that you have read passages like the one above. Passages that describe an intimate relationship with God and an experiential knowledge of His love. I have often long for this and sometimes I feel closer to it, while at other times I feel light-years away.

Our relationship with God, like any other relationship, can feel like a roller-coaster ride, with extreme highs and lows. Churches tend to be good at programming, and programs can be awesome. But what happens when you can’t attend one, or none are available for months at a time, or when you go off to college or you chase your career to a place without vibrant church events? How do you continue to grow spiritually on your own?

I am not saying that these steps I will describe below should replace corporate worship, but rather they can help you between events, and these are practices you can take with you wherever you go. Events can still provide a spiritual boost, but you won’t be dependent solely on them for your personal spiritual growth.

“You therefore, beloved, since you know this beforehand, beware lest you also fall from your own steadfastness, being led away with the error of the wicked; but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” 2 Peter 3:17-18 NKJV

Peter warns us about falling from our steadfastness in 2 Peter 3:17 (different translations). You can know about God but fall away from a relationship with Him. The best way to avoid falling from your secure position or stability is to continue to grow in the grace and knowledge of Jesus.

A little bit about myself so you can better understand where I am coming from. I grew up in a Christian home, my father is a church pastor and my mother often stayed at home to care for my sister and I. I grew up with my parents having family worship, reading from devotionals, studying the Sabbath school lesson, reading from Bible story books and the Bible itself. As I grew older, I was strongly encouraged to read and study for myself. I have been reading and studying the Bible my whole life. Throughout my life I have tried different approaches and my devotional life has gone through several changes and adjustments as I attended public high school, when I studied theology for my undergraduate degree, then as a full time associate pastor and husband, then as a student at the seminary for my master’s degree in divinity, then as a youth pastor and new parent, then as the pastor of a two church district and father of two very young children and now as the pastor of a church with a school and the parent of school-age children. As I have moved through different stages in life my devotional life had to change and adapt. This post is about my current approach. I believe this is an improved approach since it has been shaped by years of experience and adjustments. However, I can see how changes may need to be made to adjust it to your life stage as a student, professional, parent, retired, or wherever you may be in life. One thing I do want to stress is that you make time to invest in your spiritual growth because it is vital! Your spiritual growth, or lack thereof, will shape every aspect of your life.

Prayer

Jesus told his disciples a story about how they should keep on praying and never give up: Luke 18:1 Contemporary English Version

I have some posts on prayer you might find helpful, Always Pray, Ask, Some of my Favorite Bible Verses on Prayer, Spiritual Warfare. I am passionate about prayer and emphasize it strongly at my local church. I believe spiritual growth begins with prayer. We should pray before reading the Bible and prayer also helps set the mood for the day, for your personal devotional, prayer is crucial for spiritual growth.

Tips for prayer:

Don’t make prayer about bringing your wishlist to God, but rather approach Him as you would a friend, and tell Him all about your day, about your night, how you slept, your dreams and fears, your plans for the day, for your life, for your career, family, etc. Talk to God, don’t limit your prayer to requests. Also, don’t feel like you have to use archaic or flowery language when you come to God in prayer.

You learn to pray by doing it. Push yourself to pray longer prayers. Have a prayer list, pray for specific people with specific problems, name them in your prayer. Go through your prayer list, talk to God about the people and issues/challenges in your list. You would be amazed at how good it can feel after having a long talk with God. Do not limit yourself to praying prayers you have heard others pray.

If you think some structure might help you, here is one I often use.

Praise

Begin your prayer by praising God for who He is. List His qualities, talk about His power and goodness and love and patience and willingness to forgive and save. This helps you become aware of who it is you are talking to. A praise session at the beginning of your prayer will also boost your faith.

Thanksgiving

Transition to thanking God for what He has done. He has given you another day of life, think of what else He has done for you or your family and loved ones in the past. Remembering what God has done will also build your faith. Thanking God will also change your attitude towards Him and life. Being thankful can really help you feel better, we all have things to be thankful for, it is just a matter of making the effort to count our blessings.

Confession

Confess your sins. Humble yourself before God. He already knows, so just turn to Him and tell Him the areas where you are struggling, confess, ask for forgiveness and deliverance. Bare your soul to God. He is your only hope of victory over those struggles. Prayer should be part of every recovery program, of every battle against addiction, of every therapy session, make God an integral part in every area of your life. God uses professionals and medical advances and medicine but that does not mean that we leave Him out of the picture. I would strongly recommend you to include Him in all you do. Confessing your sins is also beneficial because being reminded of your failures, rebellion, and shortcomings also puts things into perspective as you approach God and as you deal with others. Confession keeps you humble.

Requests

Now you are ready to bring your requests to God. After spending time praising God, thanking Him and confessing your sins, you are in the right frame of mind to bring your requests before Him. Be specific, tell Him your plans and desires, your struggles and weaknesses and fears. Ask Him to be your Strength and the Source of all your victories. This is also a great opportunity for you to claim Bible promises. I have a list of Bible verses that help me with this (Some of my Favorite Bible Verses for Prayer). I would like to encourage you to create one as well. I still add move verses to my list as I come across them as I read the Bible.

Closing

I would recommend you end your prayers by asking God to answer according to His will. It is important to understand we don’t always know what is best or what to ask for. Sometimes we ask for things that are too small and He wants to give us so much more. Other times we are asking for things that are not beneficial and it would be better for God to answer with a “no.” And sometimes we are asking for the right thing, only at the wrong time, and God will answer, in His time. So asking for His will to be done is the best way to end a prayer. I would also add a “Thank You!” This is by faith, I thank God for listening and for answering my prayer according to His will, His plans for my life, and His power and grace, recognizing He is able and might just answer in a way I never expected.

Bible Study

For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. Hebrews 4:12 NKJV

I could say a lot on this one as well but I will keep it brief for now.

Begin with a prayer asking God to speak to you and keep the distractions away as you study.

Translation

Make sure you are reading from a version you understand. King James Version is beautiful and poetic, but if you have no idea what you are reading I am afraid you will miss out on blessings that come from having a better understanding of what you are reading. The Bible is already a challenging book to read, don’t add to the challenge by reading it in a language that is not familiar to you. Go to a place where they sell Bibles and read the same passage in different translations and see which one you like, do some research online, there are so many English translations, find one you like. If you want you can message me and we can talk about this further (there should be social media links on the top right of the screen on my blog) or you can leave a comment on the bottom of this post.

Journal

This is a new addition for me. I keep it really simple. I simply write down the passage I read, followed by a brief overview of what the passage was about and a brief description of what I took away from it. Summarizing what I read in my own words helps me internalize what I just read, and having to write at least one takeaway from the passage forces me to reflect on what I read. I find that this simple habit of journaling has helped me listen more carefully to God as I read His words. I read and think, what is God telling me in this passage?

Relationships

And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching. Hebrews 10:24-25NKJV

If you believe you can experience spiritual growth all by yourself you are gravely mistaken. One cannot grow spiritually in a vacuum because spiritual growth is deeply relational. It is all about loving God with all your heart and soul and might and your neighbor as yourself.

Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 22:37-40 NKJV

I strongly believe that the way you treat those around you, the quality of your relationships, is the ultimate test of your spiritual health. Those around you should be first ones to notice your spiritual growth, not from your theological exposition over meals but rather by your behavior, by the amount and quality of the love you have in your life. A healthy spirituality, an honest and sincere walk with God will shine from your soul and impact those around you. You will begin to experience the fruit of the Spirit in your life.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23 NKJV

This is where the rubber meets the road. Schedule this in your day. Your personal devotion cannot be just something you do when you have time. If you do not make this a priority and intentionally carve out time it will not happen as often as it needs to. You need this daily. Your personal devotions are not a hobby, your relationship with God is not something you do on the weekends as you have free time, it is the most important thing in your life. That’s the thing with God, He is either #1 in your life or He is nothing.

And God spoke all these words, saying:

2 “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.

3 “You shall have no other gods before Me. Exodus 20:1-3 NKJV

When God wrote the 10 Commandments with His own finger on tablets of stone He began with a command for us to not have any other gods before Him. Guess what, whatever crowds God out of your life has replaced Him as God.

Allow me to elaborate.

If ever since you joined social media you have not had time to do your personal devotionals like you used to, it has become a god in your life. If ever since you started college you have not had time to spend in prayer or Bible study, your education has become your god. Your new job, relationship, pet, favorite TV show, streaming service, sport, you name it. Here is the truth, you have time to do what you believe is important, whatever doesn’t get done didn’t get done because it was not important enough.

Let that sink in.

If you “don’t have time” to invest in your relationship with God it is only because you do not think it is important enough. I am not saying you have time to do everything you want to or even need to, what I am saying is that when you decided to leave out your devotional time you made a mistake. Yes, if you are too busy you will have to remove some things from your day, you will have to make changes, but you cannot afford to not make time for God.

If you are willing to say that your personal relationship with God is the most important thing in your life, then make sure it happens every day.

Maybe you feel like it doesn’t make that much of a difference, maybe you have done it one day and skipped a few and everything seemed the same. I would like to compare it to eating. Choosing to eat a healthy meal instead of eating junk may not feel like it made a difference, choosing to drink water instead of soda today may seem insignificant, but what happens when I stop drinking soda or eating junk for a week, a month, a year? Same with exercising. Skipping the gym one day may not seem to make a difference, but if you skip a week or a month, a year, it begins to make a difference. The same way, going to the gym once a week or a few times a month or eating healthy three times a month will not have the same impact of doing it every day. Working out or eating healthy inconsistently is just frustrating, it always feels like a chore, it never becomes enjoyable and you never get to experience the benefits you would experience if you were more intentional and consistent. Consistency is the key, and consistency will never become a reality if you are not intentional about it.

It is very possible to go through your devotional routine on autopilot, and by that I mean, without really listening to God, without really opening your heart to Him. You need to make this real, be real with God and expect Him to come through and speak to you. Don’t do your personal devotion as if it were a good luck ritual. Don’t make it a mindless activity, rather look at it as the key to happy and successful life. Your day, your week, your year, your life will rise and fall on the quality of the time you spend with God. Without God your greatest achievements will become sand in your mouth. With God even your biggest defeats will be full or hope and incredible growth to the point of you being able to thank God and be at peace even when everything seems to be going wrong. When you are close to God you become unstoppable, nothing in this universe will be able to keep you from achieving what God has planned for you. Look at the life of Paul as an example.

From the Jews five times I received forty stripes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods; once I was stoned; three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I have been in the deep; in journeys often, in perils of waters, in perils of robbers, in perils of my own countrymen, in perils of the Gentiles, in perils in the city, in perils in the wilderness, in perils in the sea, in perils among false brethren; in weariness and toil, in sleeplessness often, in hunger and thirst, in fastings often, in cold and nakedness— besides the other things, what comes upon me daily: my deep concern for all the churches. 2 Corinthians 11:24-28 NKJV

You could look at the list above and see a life full of suffering and you would be correct. But I also see a man that Satan could not stop. The government could not stop Paul, religious groups could not stop Paul, neither could the weather, or poisonous snakes. Paul simply could not be stopped until he had fulfilled the mission for which God called Him.

I never said it would be easy, I just said you would be unstoppable. When you find yourself in God’s will you can depend on Him to take care of all the struggles and challenges you ever face. Imagine going through life with the assurance that in the end everything will workout.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28 NKJV

So when you have your personal devotions come to God expecting to hear form Him, expect His help, ask Him to guide you and to reveal Himself and His will to you. Don’t just go through the motions but make it meaningful, open your heart, tell Him everything and open yourself to His will and his guiding influence.

The picture above has a recommendation. This is my personal daily routine. You don’t have to follow it, or you could use it as a template and modify it to fit where you are in life. I just find that in the morning my mind is sharp and fresh, okay fine, sometimes drowsy with sleep but that’s why I added the water part. Also mornings are quieter, no phone calls, no kids asking for things, no noise. Also having my devotional in the morning allows be to begin my day with God, and that make it that much easier to face all the challenges that lie ahead.

[killingthebuddha]

KOCHI, India — When I get to the goddess temple, the last thing I want is to meet a public relations officer.

I’ve traveled from Los Angeles to India to report on religion and politics in the country’s looming 2019 elections. A couple days into my short, university-funded trip, a country called the “land of stories” has produced nothing but dead ends.

At the 800-year-old Chottanikkara Devi Temple outside the city of Kochi, I expect to interview a government official. The state of Kerala uses temple management boards to oversee publicly owned Hindu worship centers. I need a high-ranking board member to comment on a religious controversy at another site. Instead, I get handed off to Meena Jayraj, a spokesperson.

She reminds me of a former boss when I produced P.R. videos several jobs ago. Jayraj is wise from years of experience and skilled with people. That’s what scares me. I worry she’ll mind-trick me into puff pieces, and I’m already losing confidence in the story I came to cover. It’s my own fault. Overly ambitious and underprepared, I’m struggling to find my way in Kerala, the one place in south India I don’t have any extended family.

Jayraj invites me to lunch in the dining hall. I don’t have time for this, but it’s bad luck to refuse prasad, temple food. The red matta rice and creamy sambar soup on my plate have already been offered before an image of the goddess, seeking her blessings. This meal is holy. And now my journalism is in conflict with my Hinduism.

Jayraj tells me the temple lore. I’m still on guard. But it becomes clear she believes every word she’s saying. Judging by the lines of devotees filing in and out of lunch, she doesn’t need my help to promote temple tourism.

In the legends of the Chottanikkara village, multiple images of the devi, or goddess, self-manifested where the temple now stands. At the large religious complex, stone walkways and wooden structures connect and mark these sacred spots. Depending on the time of day, temple-goers worship the central statue as Saraswathi, Lakshmi or Durga, three aspects of one supreme being, the female God in the Shakti branch of Hinduism.

Like the goddess with many names, the state of Kerala juggles its identities. With its secular politics and a public education system producing a 93 percent literacy rate, religion still thrives in the state. Reason and faith coexist here.

The appeal of the Chottanikkara temple has only grown in recent years. Visitors flock here from neighboring states and from the U.S., the U.K. and Australia, according to Jayraj and other temple authorities. Even non-Hindus, who aren’t allowed in the inner sanctum, can sit in the outer courtyard and pay the temple priests to perform the guruthi pooja. Why would they do this? The nightly ceremony is said to cure mental illnesses. When conventional medicine and therapy fail, some turn to the goddess.

Two minutes into lunch, Jayraj says something to make me stop chewing mid-mouthful. “Come back tonight,” she says. Through her glasses, her eyes are steady, her neck anchored toward me. “And all your negative thoughts will go away.”

I can’t decide if she means the generic “you,” as in anyone’s negative thoughts, or if she’s reading my mind. Does my face give away my frustrations as a reporter? As a 40-something grad student making a mid-career shift?

Depression, the main problem (along with schizophrenia) that’s treated at Chottanikkara, runs in my family. I think I’ve avoided that gene. I am discouraged, maybe, but not depressed.

If anything, I suffer, however mildly, from a half-remembered sadness common to Asian Americans, what Neo-Freudian cultural theorists call “racial melancholia.” Disconnected from the “motherland,” I feel like a guest in someone else’s house, wherever I am.

How can a temple fix that, except as a diversion?

I follow Jayraj to her office across from the main shrine and ask her how the devi helps people with mental health issues. She gives a recent example.

A few weeks ago, a twenty-year-old woman arrived from Bangalore with her mother and father. The parents told Jayraj their daughter was hearing voices and had stopped eating. Psychiatric treatment hadn’t helped, they said. The woman was about to drop out of medical school.

Five days in the temple changed everything, Jayraj says. On the priest’s orders, the woman woke at 3:30 every morning and followed a regimen of chanting, prayer and meditation, ending with the guruthi pooja each night. Now, she’s a “new person” and, most importantly to her Indian parents, back in college. They’ve called Jayraj twice to thank her, she says.

Over the course of the afternoon, I hear similar stories from temple priests and volunteers, but I have to see the guruthi pooja for myself.

“I’ll come back another night,” I tell Jayraj on my way out, still thinking I have better, more urgent leads to follow elsewhere.

*

Devotees gather in the evening after visiting Durga in the main temple. (Photo by Krishna Narayanamurti)

When I return, I wait in line to enter the inner sanctum. Adorned in a white sari, the golden statue of Durga waits at the end of the walkway. A warm smile runs across her sculpted face. I’m told this is her maternal form, blessing believers with her grace.

But as darkness falls, Durga has a fierce twin at the far end of the temple.

I descend a sloping staircase to a separate shrine for Bhadra Kali, an alter ego of the goddess, where the guruthi pooja will take place.

In myths, both Durga and Kali fight to defend heaven and earth. But Kali is the more violent and morally ambiguous warrior. She slays demons that the male gods cannot handle and demands blood sacrifices from her devotees.

Kali’s idol is smaller than Durga’s. A wide space in front is fenced off for tonight’s ceremony. Through the dim lamp light and the distance, I can’t see her face clearly. I think she’s scowling, but maybe I’m projecting my expectations onto her.

Every evening, the doorways to the shrines are opened so that the Durga and Kali statues can gaze at each other across the temple complex. A divine face-off, the two halves of the goddess balance their peaceful and warlike energies, according to devotees.

I sit cross-legged on the floor to the left of the Kali shrine. The families paying for the ceremony are front and center. At 8:30, the proceedings get underway, but only 40 of us are present. That number will grow to a couple hundred by the end of the evening. Even at sacred events, Indians like to show up late.

A man draped in a salmon-colored dhoti leads the audience in the “Lakshmi Narayana” hymn, a litany of the goddess’s nicknames. I find out later the singer’s name is Bhaskar. With no formal training, he sounds like a fusion of James Taylor and Stevie Wonder. The CDs of religious music sold at temples never sound this good. The singers never hit the mids and highs with this much range. Bhaskar needs his own record deal, or at least a booking agent.

After each verse, the crowd joins Bhaskar for the chorus:

“Amme Narayana, Devi Narayana, Lakshmi Narayana, Badre Narayana.”

These divine names pair the goddess with her husband Vishnu (“Narayana”) and praise her in four manifestations: Amme, the mother of all life; Devi, protector of the world; Lakshmi, provider of wealth and knowledge; and Badre, destroyer of the universe.

The call-and-response lasts a half-hour, while assistant priests set up a variety of tall and short deepas, pointy brass candle holders. They add ghee, or clarified  butter, to keep the flames at a steady blaze. A banana tree stands inside a square pit to the left of the platform. Behind the pit, an offering of coconuts, rice and small fruits rest on beds of banana leaves.

So far, the ceremony doesn’t feel that different from the typical Vedic rituals for the male gods—a lot of chanting, lighting lamps and offering flowers or food. For sure, the music relaxes and soothes me. But how does that help people with more serious, deep-rooted problems?

When the singing ends, the mood changes. I realize that we must be done worshipping the goddess in her “peaceful mother” form. It’s Kali’s turn.

Two men with beards running down to their chests walk out and sit by seven large copper pots, staggered on the ground in front of the shrine.

The head priest is the older and grayer of the two men. Lines of white ash and a red circle of kumkum powder mark his forehead. He looks like a mystic from an Indian comic book. He’s not messing around.

He begins to manipulate the items around the pot, snapping twigs in a fluid motion. In between, he washes his hands and ceremonial instruments with water from a large conch. Unlike the prayer services I’m used to, the priests say and chant nothing, or if they do, their lips don’t move.

The elder priest starts to offer the contents of the copper pots into the pit by his feet. Each vessel is filled with guruthi, a mixture of water, red dye, dirt and flowers, meant to mimic the flesh and blood of the animals that Kannappa, the medieval forest dweller believed to have founded the Chottanikkara village, would offer to Kali.

In one myth, Kannappa wants to sacrifice a baby doe, his daughter’s pet. The daughter asks him to stop killing animals and offers herself in the doe’s place. Kannappa relents, but soon after, both his daughter and the deer pass away mysteriously. Later, two stones representing the goddess Lakshmi and her husband Vishnu appear in the spot where the child and animal had died. Today, these stones are cordoned off and worshipped in a corner of the temple.

Bhaskar, the singer, may have disappeared, but the night’s music is far from done. A band of percussionists takes over. Three tabla drummers and a cymbalist begin a slow, staccato rhythm while the priest continues to stir and offer portions of the pot to the fire. It’s like experimental music, purposely disorienting, but I start to get into it. The elaborate performance of it all is new territory for me, but old for India; this is a Tantric ritual of conjuring and summoning.

From the crowd of people to my right, screams and cries of women pierce through the music. A young woman in a blue sari sways where she sits among the families who have sponsored the pooja. Near her, a middle-aged woman in purple stands up and thrashes her long, curly hair in a circle. Another woman dances with her eyes closed. Things are getting weird. Has Kali taken over, chasing the spirits out of these women?

On other trips to India, I’ve seen people in a trance, claiming possession by gods or goddesses. It was terrifying. I’m not close enough to these women to look in their eyes, to test their conviction, or my own.

The drumming accelerates to the point of frenzy.

My pulse is many beats behind. Somehow, all the excitement calms me down. My mind, normally restless, is locked into the music and the screams. The anxiety and pressure I began my trip with has moved outside of me.

Another thirty minutes pass. Two more performers come out and blow a pair of horns on bowstrings. The drumming comes to a crescendo as the priest’s surgical movements quicken. He empties the remaining pots with a fury, hurling the mud and red water into the pit until all the contents have been dumped out. A drop of red paste splatters on my leg. I taste it. No flavor.

The twirling, thrashing and screaming women have gone quiet. They’re hidden behind their families and the onlookers crowding around, anxious to get the prasad from the pooja. I don’t know if the women are “cured” or if they still have more work to do at the temple.

Across the way, I see a girl in white, maybe 11 or 12 years old. A spectator like me, she doesn’t stand with the people who sponsored the event. She is sobbing — howling really, like a coyote caught in a bear trap. Either she is traumatized, or she’s feeling the secondhand effects of the therapy, an emotional release.

Afterwards, Anil Namboodiri, one of the temple priests, tells me “you have to stay for five days” for the full experience.

I ask him if the pooja is only for women. Can boys and men benefit as well?

“Sure,” he says, “you can sit for it, if you’re having mental problems.“

I assume he’s teasing me. I say “OK” with a smirk.

He corrects me sharply. “Don’t laugh. You could have them.”

Like Meena Jayraj, he’s either a telepath or an exceptional marketer.

Negative thoughts can easily penetrate the subconscious, Namboodiri tells me. Most problems come from the outside, when we let other people manipulate us, he says.

In a “land of stories,” I know I should investigate and interrogate what I’m hearing, following the way of the Western academic, the way of the journalist. For a while, I leave it alone.

*

Later, I call up Seema Lal, a Kochi-based psychologist, looking for any science to supplement my Hindu faith. Lal suggests that, on the one hand, a lot of temples promote these cures now, and it can become a way to make money. On the other hand, many people have said the routine and ritual at Chottanikkara made them feel better, and the results matter more than their reasons. In a 2017 study, other psychologists have concluded that Chottanikkara’s methods can be an effective part of a holistic approach to mental health issues.

Praying and chanting “is not causing physical harm,” Lal says, “and it’s cheaper than medicine, so why not?”

I ask Lal about the women in a trance state. Was that real?

The external stimuli from the music and ritual action can bring about a catharsis in the patient, Lal explains. For women in very traditional, repressive families, it might be a chance to express themselves freely, since the goddess will take the credit (or the blame).

“Suddenly, you get this freedom to just be,” Lal says. “Some people find it very liberating.”

As a man who grew up in a laissez-faire house in suburban New Jersey, my experience of the ritual can’t test Lal’s theory. But that night I still felt the power of Kali-Durga, the balance of chaos and order, the longing and love from a community of believers in a doubtful present.

Maybe it was dumb luck that the political story that brought me to Chottanikkara never panned out. Maybe it was the goddess, calling me home.

[myhappyendings32]

Life Altercations

Calzona AU: Callie Torres had it all, popularity, captain of the cheerleading squad, dating the starting Quarterback of Seattle Grace Mercy West High School football team, a straight A student, and with the love and support of her family she is one her way to a full ride scholarship to medical school at Johns Hopkins. What happens when tragedy hits? Will a blued eyed blonde-haired fire cracker be able to lead her back on track or will she be forced to give it all up?

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or phrases of Greys Anatomy, if I did Callie and Arizona would still be together.

Just Incase my Calzona followers don’t get onto FanFiction

Chapter 1

Finishing off my third round off with a twist in the air, landing on my feet, my hands above my head in a tight fist. Beyoncé’s “Run the World” slowly coming to an ending. The smile on my face multiplies, as the oxygen starts to pervade my body. The crowd grows wild as I get swept up by my boyfriend who pulls me into a ginormous hug.

“I can feel it; you and I are going to have it all. We’re going to get those scholarships, graduate, get our degree, get married and start our lives. I love you Callie Torres.” My boyfriend Mark screams at me over the loud noise. He just won another game and I am seconds away from championships. Mark Sloan and I have been together for over 3 years. He is the starting Quarterback of the football team and as promised if he took his team all the way he would get a scholarship to the most prestigious school out there.

I am standing in the middle of the football field, people all around me, jumping, screaming, and cheers of joy fill the field of celebration. “Callie!” is what I hear. A child calling me, but where is it coming from? I look up and come up with nothing. Putting the screaming child who is calling my name into the back of my head, I move forward and join in on the celebration. “Callie, come here!” again I hear the panic of a child and the screaming is getting louder. I fight to maneuver my way through the multitude of people, just as I am about to get closer to the terrified shriek, I feel pain. My head is throbbing, the field that I am standing in disappears and I am in my room.

“Callie, where are you?” My sister screams at me crying for me to save her from her night terrors.

Finding, that I am in fact not in the comfort of my bed, but on the cold hard wooden floors, I attempt to extract myself up, but the prolonging of my dizziness is making it nearly impossible. Taking a few minutes just to give myself time to rest, I try it again. Finally, able to stand up, I look at my watch and find that it’s a little after 3:00 in the morning. If I can get her back to bed I can possibly get maybe another hour or so of sleep. I proceed to go to my baby sisters room. The last 3 months Ashlyn (my 2-and-a-half-year-old sister) has been waking up multiple times throughout the night. My heart breaks when I see her, she is sitting in her bed with her favorite stuffed animal that our father had won. Ever since the incident the stuffed toy has been stuck to her like glue wherever she goes it goes with her. Admittedly the once fluffy elephant looks more like a mixture of elephant and a mouse the way it’s been pulled and prodded at. “Hey baby girl, what’s the matter?” I pick her up and put her in my lap so that she can feel some kind of comfort.

“I-I ha-had bad dreeeeammmm.” She wails. Her eyes are puffy with tears and sleep, she is sweating everywhere. This tells me that she will probably be up for the rest of the morning. For the next 5 to 10 minutes I hold her and reassure her that she will be ok and that I won’t ever let anything happen to her. When she finally calms down, her and I make our way into the bathroom. Starting the bath and making sure that the water is the right temperature, I undress Ashlyn and put her in the tub. As I start to wash her body, her beautiful brown eyes look up at me and she asks? “Callie, when my bad dreams go away?” That right there I wish that I could save her from those dreams. I wish I could make them go away.

As I rinse her little body so that she is relived of all the soap, I take her hand in mine and reply, “Sweetie, I know this is hard on you. I’m trying my hardest to help you through this. What do you say that you and I go and see a doctor to help us through all of our problems?”

With her tiny fingers picking at whatever she can find to pick, tears start to well up in her eyes again. “Noooo… I-I ddonnnnn’t want the dotttter, I not sick.” Her cries start to get increasingly intense she starts to choke and gag.

“Hey hey hey… Ashlyn look at me… look at me. This isn’t a doctor for sick kids. This doctor is a Psychologist we are going to talk to this doctor and that’s it. They are trained in helping with problems like ours. You and I need help and we will both do it together ok?” Sniffing and shaking her head up and down telling me that she understands. I finish her bath and proceed to get her dressed letting her pick out her own outfit. By the time she is all finished with breakfast and I have her laying back down on my bed watching Sofia the first, I hop in the shower and get myself ready for the day. Today is one of my long days not only do I have a full day of school, but I also have a full night of work. I dropped cheerleading, dropped a couple other extra curriculars that I was in and still there is just not enough hours in a day. My days start at 4am getting both Ashlyn and I up and ready for the day. I take her to daycare, make it just in time for school, go about my school day, I pick Ashy up from daycare spend a little time with her and because I work at a hospital she spends time at Greys Sloan Memorial hospital daycare. Usually a little after 11pm is when I am picking her up and we go home.

On our way to daycare this morning Ashy and I are rocking out to a Disney CD that is her absolute favorite. When she is in a bad mood or sad I can always count on this CD to cheer her up. As soon as we pull into Over the Rainbow daycare I can hear the smallest of whimpers coming out of her mouth. We go through this every day and everyday it makes me feel horrible. Getting out of the car and walking to the back where Ashlyn resides I pull her out and hold her for a few minutes hoping and praying that today will be the day that she won’t throw a complete and total fit. “Hey pumpkin, you know I love you with all my heart, right?” The little girl that looks almost identical to me shakes her head up and down. “I promise that as soon as I am done with school I will come and pick you up and maybe we can go to the park before I have to go to work, how does that sound?” I must have said that right thing because I get a big hug from her and a full on super magic smile.

After getting her settled and promising her that I would return I head off to school. Hopefully these next 7 hours can go fast and more importantly I hope I don’t get any calls from the daycare telling me that I need to pick up Ashlyn.

[studentnursedeeley]

I Hope I Can Give You A Hug One Day

My name is Valerie, I'm 28 years old and I'm Final Year Student Nurse from Stourbridge (near Dudley). Taylor Swift is my favourite recording artist of all time. I love you Taylor. Your music is the biggest escape for me. You have a song for each and everyone of my moods! I am in awe of you. You inspire me, and so many others. I know things haven't been easy for you. With your Mum being ill, people saying things in the media, other celebrities being horrible. I watched Miss Americana and that was such a beautiful film of your vulnerability. It was true and raw and I was captivated. I was 14 when I had your first album. You have got me through so many difficult years. I have had the privilege of being able to attend 2 of your concerts (I've never had alot of money). I saw you in 2015 at Hyde Park in London, then in 2018 at Wembley Stadium. Those are 2 magical memories I will never forget. I really wanted to come and see you this year after your Lover album release, but Nursing studies, and money this year won't let me. I cherish the time I spent with you. And I hope that one day I get to meet you, and say thank you. Because you have made life when it's tough bearable. You give me music I can get lost into. Music I can have a drive to, sing to, relax to if I need. You have changed my life. I really do love you. I have had a really rough couple of years. And my journey in life so far hasn't been easy. In 2014 I had my tonsils out after getting tonsillitis 8 times within a year. In 2015 my (now 17 year old) sister was diagnosed with autism, and I look after her. She is now in college. I'm so proud. In 2016 I fractured my leg during a kickboxing class. In 2018 I fractured my ankle trying to run away from a wasp (definitely not my proudest moment). Then later in 2018 my world turned upside down... My Dad suffers with cardiomyopathy. It's a disease that effects your heart muscle, it starts to fail. In November 2018 he was given a life expectancy of 2 years and the only thing that would save him is a heart transplant. In May 2019 he underwent invasive testing to see if he would be eligible for a heart and he wasn't. I went on a bit of a spiral downwards. Turns out I was grieving (according to my counsellor) and I also had severe depression (according to my doctor) as apparently its alot to process. I wanted to end myself at that point. I couldn't cope. Not only I had the news of my Dad to deal with, university was stressful, I had friends and family causing me stress. I decided I had to take a step back from my Nursing. I focused on myself, took medication (Sertraline; which I still do). While I took some time out, I ended up having my Gallbladder removed in July 2019. And kept in hospital for a week. Then in September my Mum after 23 years of being together and married to my Dad walked out on him. And has been causing so much grief ever since, telling lies to people, not supporting him. I've never got on with her anyway and she has always spoken to me like I'm dirt. So that's been stressful on my Dad and it's still on going and she is still causing stress. I then managed to finish my second year. While I was finishing my second year, I was also diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. As during my 4th placement (in my course there are 6 placements; 2 per year) I bled heavily for 10 weeks constantly. It was exhausting, not only being ill but getting through 12 and a half hour shifts. And before Christmas I found out my Grandpa has Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma (cancer). Then over the new year I was in hospital with a severe sinus and throat infection. I couldn't swallow. And shortly after that I ended up being ill again very badly with a kidney infection and urinary tract infection. I also recently found out the only thing that can help my Dad is an external heart pump. He is in urgent need for it, otherwise at any point he could drop down dead. While all of this has been going on. I've not given up on my dreams of being a Nurse and in less than a year I will become one. I applied for a job in February for a Nurse role when I qualify, and I ended up having an interview a couple of weeks ago and getting a job! So I'll be a Orthopaedic Surgical Nurse when I qualify! Through all of this my partner Steven has been my rock, best friend and my saving grace. Almost 7 years this year. He picked me up at my lowest last year when I was drowning. I did everything possible to push him away but he stuck by me. And I love him so much. Please can I have help getting this message to Taylor? I will love you all forever. Thank you. Love Val, Xoxoxo