#I already can't wait to take a fucking nap lol

[torra-and-the-toons]

ready for death, but still chuggin’

[mattyriddlesbitch]

Bare with me this is my first request. Imagine reader (Slytherin if you don't mind) is walking and bumps into the boys they try to pick on her but can't and ends up with her making a joke about Mattheo having a small penis, and he loves that she's able to shut him up even tho it's childish. Long story short he's like "It's not even small" and she's like "Prove it" and so hate sex.

Drink water, take a nap and overall take care ilysm! ✨

Thank you so much! I have been taking care of myself, I hope you all are too!

Brat

Mattheo Riddle x F!Reader

Warnings: cussing, oral(male receiving), unprotected sex, hate sex, brat taming lol

18+ Minors DNI!

“So you wanna repeat what you said earlier? What was it? ‘Tiny, limp-dick ass’?” Mattheo said as he had your hair in a makeshift ponytail, fucking into your mouth. You were in the prefect's bathroom, your knees digging into the hard tile as you held onto his thighs. “Won't repeat it now, slut?” He smiled down at you, and you moaned around his dick, trying to respond back. He pulled you off his cock. “What was that, princess?”

“You are such a dick. Also a pervert, getting off on me talking shit.” You said, wiping the spit off from your mouth.

“You got it all wrong, angel.” He said before pushing your mouth back onto his cock. “I like putting brats in their place. Since you wanna use your mouth to insult me, I'm putting it to better use.” You tried replying, but gagged on his cock instead. He pulled you off again to let you speak.

“Bite me.”

“Gladly.” He smiled and pulled you up to stand, not even hesitating before biting your neck.

“I fucking hate you.” You winced at the harsh bite, which he soothed with a swipe of his tongue.

“Do you, now? If I checked, your pussy wouldn't be all wet then?” He said before biting your neck again.

“Shut the fuck up.” You closed your eyes, your breath getting heavier.

“All bark, no bite, love.” He teased and turned you around, pushing your front onto the sink.

“You're lucky I didn't bite your dick.” You rolled your eyes.

“I knew you wouldn't. You want me to fuck you. Can't do that if you bite my dick, huh?” He said as he pulled down your panties. “I knew it. Fuck. You're all wet for me.” He dragged a finger through your folds.

“Can you shut up and fuck me already?” You whined, hips jolting at his touch.

“Can you quit whining?” He retorted but did start pushing into you. “Fucking tight, shit, princess.” He moaned with you. He didn't wait for you to adjust, thrusting in and out of you as you whimpered from the mix of pain and pleasure. “Can you fucking relax? You're squeezing me, you fucking slut.”

“You didn't prep me, dickwad.” You hissed.

“Always so bratty. Can't you just be grateful for what I give you?” He grabbed your hair to look in the mirror at him. “Just be good for once.”

“If it bothers you that much, I'll keep being a brat.” You said, closing your eyes so you don't look at him.

“If that's how you wanna play it.” He let go of your hair and wrapped his hand around your throat, squeezing the sides. “Might take a few sessions, but I'll break you.”

It was hard to reply with him choking you. Your eyes were rolling back as you felt lightheaded from it, only making the pleasure from him fucking you more intense.

“See, isn't that much better than fighting me? Just relax and cum on my cock, princess.” He said, bringing his free hand to your clit.

“Fuck.” You choked out, body trembling as your orgasm neared.

“Merlin, fuck, you're clenching me again. You're so close, angel. Just let go. Need to feel you cum.” He moaned, his thrusts losing its tempo as his own orgasm was close. “Cum on my cock like a good slut, come on.”

Your orgasm hit you and your legs nearly gave out as you cried out. He fucked you through it before pulling out and cumming on your ass and skirt.

“See, you can be a good girl for me?” He said, pressing a kiss to your hair before pulling your panties up.

Taglist:

@jeannie-beannie @yourenogoodforme @mixvchelle @helendeath @evaslytherpuff

@soaked4abby @hpnsfwaddict @mayamonroem @motherfing-stargirl @brittney-121

@dracoslovergirl @littlemadamred @mattheoriddlesbitch @acornacreacure @opheliamalfoy236

Let me know if you wanna be added!

[robinbuckleysfringe]

paper rings.

a joseph quinn social media au

pairings: joseph quinn x keery!reader

warnings: pronouns for reader vary between she & they, I've tried to keep it as gender neutral as possible even tho I do use female faceclaims

part 1 | part 2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*yninstagram has posted*

tagged strangerthings, joekeery, maya_hawke, nattyiceofficial, gatenm123 & charlie.r.heaton

liked by tomblyth, josephquinn, millybobbybrown, rachelzegler and others

yninstagram breaking my insta hiatus to tell you all that we're back for another adventure into the Upside Down 🦇🫶🏻💕

View comments

joekeery why'd you have to crop half my face out like that

> yninstagram to make room for nat's face, obvs

> joekeery so you're saying you love her more than me???

> yninstagram of course, duh 🙄. you should know this by now

maya_hawke reunited bby!! 🫶🏻🫶🏻

> yninstagram missed youuuuu 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

madelyncline not you trying to crop joe out the picture 💀

> yninstagram there's already too much joe content on my page, the people need more nat

josephquinn very excited to join the upside down with you all!!

> yninstagram aw joe!! we're so happy to have you join our stranger things family 🫶🏻

madisonbaileybabe the 80s look great on you but I miss our beach vibes 😭🫶🏻

> yninstagram thanks hun!! I miss filming with you 🫶🏻🫶🏻

rudeth not you finally posting

> yninstagram as if you're online more than I am

rachelzegler don't die this season pls

> yninstagram I can't make any promises 😭😭😭

> user Y/N WHAT DOES THIS MEAN????

user obsessed with these bts pics!!!

user ahhhh, so excited for this season!!!

user omg they finally posted!!!

user love of my life. cannot wait to have you back on my screen!!!

☆☆☆

*yninstagram has posted*

tagged rachelzegler, tomblyth & hunterschafer

liked by josephquinn, maya_hawke, joekeery, madisonbaileybabe and others

yninstagram my best friend made a movie 🫶🏻🕊🐍

View comments

rachelzegler it was amazing to have you at the premiere angel 😇💕

> yninstagram love youuuu and everything you do ever 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻💕💕💕

> rachelzegler love youuu bby ❤️

madelyncline you always understand the assignment with the outfit

> madelyncline slay queen 👑😍

> yninstagram thanks bby 🫶🏻💕

joekeery it's criminal that you didn't invite me smh 😤

> yninstagram excuse me?? we're literally going to see it this weekend??

> maya_hawke do our plans not matter to you joe?? :((

josephquinn so this is why you weren't on set this week 👀

> yninstagram oops, did ya miss me? 😂

> josephquinn course not

sadiesink OMG SLAY!! 😍😍😍

user the fit is everything omg!!!

user now y/n is a person who would 100% understand the met gala themes every year

user omg pls tell me you've got a small cameo in the movie!! that would be everything!!

☆☆☆

*yninstagram has posted*

tagged marvel & florencepugh

liked by florencepugh, tomblyth, rudeth, josephquinn and others

yninstagram booked and blessed baby!!! our new series Hawkeye drops on disney+ this december 🏹💜

View comments

yninstagram can't keep a secret to save my life, so if you heard about this beforehand- no you fucking didn't 🫶🏻

*yninstagram pinned this comment*

joekeery proud of you!!!

> yninstagram thank you

> joekeery tho I will say I'm gonna take some credit for your success because I ran all your audition lines with you

> yninstagram 😡🖕🏻

florencepugh dream come true to work with you!! 💜

> yninstagram aww, love you flo!! 💜

tomholland2013 welcome to the MCU y/n x

> yninstagram thanks spoiler man

> tomholland2013 heyy, uncalled for!!

> yninstagram shouldn't have spoiled your movie for me then 😤

> tomholland2013 I'm sorry :((

hichasestokes congrats on being booked and busy. idk how you do it 🐝

> yninstagram i love all these projects, but really I just wanna nap

tomholland2013 wait. THEY GAVE YOU A DOG?? unfair :((

> yninstagram someone sounds jelly lol. sucks to be you I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️

josephquinn not you posting this like you didn't tell me on set 2 days ago. congrats tho, you deserve it :))

> yninstagram thanks joe 🫶🏻

> josephquinn also can you give me my guitar back now? please. I need to practice

> yninstagram you'll have to find me first haha 🤪

> nattyiceofficial they're in their trailer

> charlie.r.heaton just follow the sound of pure chaos and you'll find them 😂

user SHUT. UP

user is this real??

user omg can't believe you're bringing Kate Bishop to life!!! so excited for this!!

☆☆☆

I'm aiming for this little series to have about 6 parts to it, like my tom blyth one. but feel free to comment anything you'd like to read/see in this (or any future) social media aus 🩷

[slippinninque]

Fontaine x A Rainy Day

warnings: none!

content: fluffy, soft!fontaine, short fic

---------

"It's really comin' down out there."

"Hm, 'sho is..."

Fontaine sat on your bed pantsless and incredibly enticing as he watched the rain pounding against the bedroom's window.

After regular drop off turned délice de l'après-midi and then one nap later--you were woken up by the soft rumble of thunder. Fontaine rose to get you both water and to make a trip to the bathroom before coming back to plop onto the foot of your bed.

You stretched, still feeling soft and good from your eventful afternoon. You weren't sure if you were ready for it to end so soon.

Fontaine was only a few shoes and a belt away from going off and handling business and the thought stung the butterflies in your stomach.

There was a louder groan of thunder, you rose from the bed to crack the window to hear the rainfall. Feeling Fontaine's gaze on you, it was easy to take your time and feel the cool air fan across your skin.

"I know you see it," you said, then grinned when Fontaine grunted appreciatively, "How bad this rain is, I mean."

You grabbed the shawl Fontaine undone from you just earlier, tying two corners into a knot above your breast. It was long enough to reach your knees and was especially airy.

He nodded once, slowly, and gave your favorite half-smile, "Roads might be fucked up, then."

"My street is good for flooding, y'know." Your fib felt light like cotton candy as Fontaine stood to come to you, "I bet your Pontiac has gone for a nice swim."

"Can't do nothin' but wait for it to round back, hm?"

Fontaine teased lightly at the knot of fabric before him, eyes sliding up and down your body. Thunder rolled above you, causing the walls and window to shiver. The scent of rainwater was already creeping in and Fontaine smelled like you.

You walked him backward towards the bed, giving him a playful little push so that he was laid back across your bed. You laid across him, stretching felinely before settling.

Fontaine's hands massaged up from your cheeks to your shoulder blades, melting you into him. You sighed and you felt his chuckle but he didn't stop his massaging.

"This is a wonderful way to earn your stay until the rain stops..." you murmured softly.

"Whatchu mean? What 'bout the work I put in earlier?" Fontaine gripped your bottom and rocked you slowly, "That should get me 'till tonight, right?"

You ended up entangled on your sides, Fontaine pulling the blanket up and over you both. You were far too happy with the idea of having Fontaine to yourself the entire night.

You hid your face in his neck, "Let's work a little more and I'll let you know."

Fontaine's answering hum was dozy and you smiled. Fontaine rolled a bit of your shawl's fabric between his fingers. You nuzzled slightly where skin met shirt.

It felt like you both were taking a break from the world. Hiding away in plain, contented sight. Usually your mind would cook up some tizzy, but somehow being with Fontaine made things very simple.

'You feel so right.'

You wanted say it and maybe you would some day. In the present, you had Fontaine in your arms, sleeping to the sound of rain.

---------

ending notes: hey hey! another late night scribble! just something to go with the rainout side the window! it's late and i was feeling fluffy! Thank you so much for reading!

taglist: this is an older fic and I don't wanna over tag anyone lol! 😌

(let me know if you want to be tagged!! 💕💜🌟)

[strawberryonfire]

Hazbin Hotel Incorrect Quotes Pt. 2

Molly: You have to apologize to Anthony.

Arackniss: Ugh, fine.

Arackniss @ Angel: 'Unfuck you' or whatever.

---

Angel: If you can't beat them, dress better than them.

---

'Can I copy the homework?'

Charlie, Molly, Niffty: I can help you with it!

Crymini: Yeah, sure

Angel, Cherri, Lucifer: Bold of you to assume I did the homework

Alastor, Husk, Vaggie: lol Nope

Sir Pentious, Tom Trench: Wait, we had homework???

Katie Killjoy, Arackniss, Henroin, Lilith, Baxter:*Read 5:55pm*

---

Charlie: Violence isn't the answer.

Alastor: You know what, my dear? You're right.

Charlie: *sighs in relief*

Alastor: Violence is the question.

Charlie: What?

Alastor, pulling out a knife and looking at Angel: And the answer is YES.

Charlie, running after him: NO-

---

Husk: With great power comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.

---

Valentino, holding an antique bottle: Is this whisky or perfume?

Velvette: *chugs entire bottle*

Velvette: It's perfume.

---

*Cherri and Angel sitting in jail together*

Cherri: So, who should we call?

Angel: I'd call Vaggie, but I feel safer in jail.

---

Vox: Hey, Val, what kind of flowers do you like?

Val: Sunflowers.

Vox, pulling out a bouquet of Venus Flytraps: Well, shit-

---

Niffty, taping a knife onto a Roomba: Be free, my child.

Husk, entering with a small cut on his ankle: Who the f-

---

Rosie: How do you connect with a fictional character?

Alastor: What?

Mimzy: What?

Husk: What?

Niffty: *pulls up a 500 slide presentation* I'm glad you asked.

---

Aracknniss: Do you ever get pre-annoyed? Like you already know someone is going to piss you off?

Vaggie: What? No, I-

*Angel enters the room*

Arackniss & Vaggie: *jaw clenches*

---

*when the squad drops food on the ground*

Alastor: Eh, oh well.

Charlie: FIVE SECOND RULE!

Husk: FUCK!

Vaggie: *just gets more food*

Niffty: *drops to her knees and mourns the food*

Angel: *eats the food off the ground*

---

Angel: What if Cinderella was a baking slave instead of a cleaning slave, and her name was Mozzarella?

Arackniss: Don't ever speak to me again.

---

Alastor: Underestimate me. That'll be fun.

---

Charlie: Oh fiddlesticks.

Alastor: Look, I know this is a a tense situation, but let's watch the fucking language.

---

Angel: Vaggie has no idea I'm high.

Vaggie: YOU'RE HIGH?!

Angel: Oh, I'm sorry.

Angel, leaning over to Husk: Vaggie has no idea I'm high.

---

Husk: We're playing scrabble. It's a nightmare.

Alastor: Scrabble? But Scrabble's great.

Husk: Not when you're playing with NIffty, it's not. She puts words like 'ephemeral' and I put 'dog'.

---

Charlie: Is that a gun?!

Angel: It's not what it looks like!

Charlie: It looks like a gun!

Angel: Okay, maybe it is what it looks like, but in my defense, it doesn't have anymore bullets, so I technically can't shoot anymore.

Charlie: ...ANYMORE?!

---

Okay, I know that Vaggie is a Lesbian and Angel is gay, but I just love this ship. Please don't attack me.

Angel: Can you at least cut me some slack, Vags? I'm sort of in love.

Vaggie: I'm sorry, but that's not my problem.

Angel: I'm in love with you.

Vaggie, now blushing: O-oh. That brings me in the loop a little.

---

Charlie: Hey Angel? Can I get some dating advice?

Angel: Just because I'm with Vaggie doesn't mean I know how I did it.

[moonchildreads]

small town

Chapter 15 - Don't You Want Me

IN THIS CHAPTER: Illicit library naps, a sleepover, and Important Questions get asked [7.3k]

WARNINGS: fear of coming out (lighthearted, everything turns out okay), self doubt, bisexuality? idk if that's a warning but if you haven't noticed yet, eddie and dot are both bi lol

A/N: happy pride friends! i swear to god i didn't plan for this chapter to be out and proud in june, i set the outline in stone months ago but i'm taking it as a happy accident. sorry for posting a day late, yesterday was Not Great but we should get back to friday updates this coming week. enjoy <3

masterlist - prev - next | playlist

You know I can't believe it When I hear that you won't see me

Monday, May 12th - 1986

The rainy spell that haunted Hawkins at all times continued throughout most of the Monday, up until lunch time when it finally relented. The sky was still mostly dark with heavy clouds hiding the sun while the Hellfire seniors stood just outside the cafeteria doors, waiting for Eddie to be done with the conversation he was about to engage in so they could head to their next classes. All four of them - Dottie, Gareth, Donny, and Jeff - were staring pointedly at him as he approached the cheerleaders’ table.

“Got the goods, Cunningham?” Eddie raised his voice to call Chrissy’s attention.

“Yup! Got ‘em right here!” she said, smiling brightly and reaching into her pocket to grab the remaining prom tickets she’d promised to save for him. He gave her the money and she accepted it gracefully, but when he leaned forward to grab the tickets, she snapped her hand back, lifting it over her head. “You better suit up, Munson, or I’ll personally block your way in.”

“We’ll dress up, I promise,” he said, crossing his heart. “Scout’s honor.”

“You’re not a Scout, Eddie.”

“You don’t know what I get up to in my free time,” he snatched the tickets from her hand and began walking backwards quickly towards the doors. “See you around, Chris! Have a good day, ladies!”

Not a beat had passed since he’d walked away before Chrissy’s friends surrounded her, gossiping loudly about the situation they’d just witnessed. The Freak talking to their Captain? Who did he think he was?

“Ugh, he’s so… scruffy! Why do you let him talk to you like that?” Libby, a junior tumbler said, crossing her arms and burrowing further into her cheer cardigan.

“What do you mean? He was perfectly polite,” Chrissy defended him. “He just wanted to buy some prom tickets.”

“He shouldn’t be talking to you anyway, you aren’t in charge of selling them,” Melissa, a senior flyer and Chrissy’s second in command, scoffed. “I bet he’s not even gonna go, he probably just wanted an excuse to be near you. God, he’s such a freak.”

“I’m on the Prom Planning Committee, it’s more than okay if people ask me about tickets. And don’t call Eddie a freak anymore. It’s not right,” Chrissy said, stomping away to her next class.

“What the fuck is wrong with her?” Libby turned to look at her senior.

“I don’t know but she thinks she’s hot shit since that Ohio State cheer clinic she went to during Spring Break. I don’t like it,” the flyer replied, but Chrissy never heard her, already busy getting her books out of her locker.

Eddie was pulling out of his driveway to take Dottie home after their usual after school study session when she asked him to drop her off at Gareth’s instead. She mentioned they were having a sleepover at his house so they could work on a Chemistry project that had to be delivered during first period on Tuesday, and that didn’t do anything to calm the little knot Eddie was beginning to recognize as jealousy that formed at the pit of his stomach. The rational part of his brain, the one that knew there was nothing going on between two of his best friends, was at war with the dumb side that wanted to stop the van in the middle of the road and throw a tantrum. He settled on gripping the steering wheel until his fingers hurt when he saw her hug Gareth hello like she hadn’t seen him in years; the younger boy waved at him like Eddie’s heart wasn’t cracking at the slightest hint of being undesirable.

Oblivious to his friend’s feelings, Gareth guided Dottie inside towards his living room where his phone was so she could call her Dad and let him know she'd arrived safely. Once James had been informed of his daughter’s whereabouts, the teens got to work on the coffee table until Gareth’s dad came home from work. Gareth’s mom, Lydia, was a sweet looking woman with bright blue eyes her son had inherited and a big blonde hairdo. She really enjoyed being a hostess, which is why she had gladly slaved herself away in the kitchen all afternoon making a sweet and sour brisket she claimed was her specialty.

"Okay, so we're thinking regular crackers, marshmallows, cereal, toasted bread, untoasted bread, and dry pasta?" Dottie read from their notes.

"We should add something that we know is unhealthy, just to test it out."

"We have marshmallows."

"Yeah, but those are full of air, they'll probably burn really fast. We need something more dense, like… uh…," Gareth thought hard about what they could find in his pantry and still came up with nothing.

"D'you have peanuts? With the shell?"

"Peanuts are unhealthy?"

"I mean, not really, no, but they are, like, high in fat? And I bet the shells burn well."

"Let's do peanuts then," he nodded, jotting it down onto their notebook.

Their last project of the year was free choice, and after perusing a few science magazines in the library, they had settled on building a calorimeter. Truth be told, they should have done it earlier but between Mother’s Day, Hellfire and Dottie spending so much time with Eddie helping him get ready for his exams, Monday night before the project’s due date had to suffice. Gareth had asked his Dad for help to build two calorimeters, which were ready to go on the desk in his bedroom along with the blow-up mattress Dottie would be sleeping on right next to his bed. His Mom had been a little hesitant to let them bunk in the same bedroom, but her son had brought up a good point: his sister, Gretchen, would positively lose her mind if a stranger slept in her bed, so Gareth’s floor was a good compromise as long as they left the door wide open.

When Gareth’s dad, Gavriel, arrived home from a long day at work, dinner was almost ready to be served. Gareth was in the middle of an animated rant, explaining to Dottie about a very special part of their meal he had begged his Mom for to mark the special occasion. He had never really had a sleepover before, and even though they’d be up late into the night working on their project, he was still very excited at the prospect of hanging out with someone he considered one of his closest friends with no time constraints or adult supervision.

“You said you’ve never really tried Jewish food before, so I asked my Mom to make these for you,” Gareth explained, carrying a big plate to the dining table where they usually sat to do homework on Wednesdays, Dottie trailing behind him carrying cutlery and bread.

“They look like hash browns,” she said, peering at the mystery food.

“They are better than hash browns. These are called latkes. My Mom only makes them during Hanukkah, but honestly, I’d eat them every day if I could.”

“Didn’t know you did Hanukkah,” Dottie frowned. “Didn’t you say you went to your Grandparents’ for Christmas last year?”

“Yeah, we do both! And neither, now that I think about it,” he frowned too, like he was just realizing something about his own traditions. “We’re not really religious, I mean… We celebrate, but it’s more about family and getting together. We mix both sides.”

Gavriel was Jewish and Lydia was not, which in turn made their children half-Jewish. This was something Gareth’s friends were aware of, but didn’t entirely understand since they never really talked about what it meant. This, coupled with the fact that the youngest Coleman hadn’t really had close friends until he reached high school and joined Hellfire, led to his now very apparent enthusiasm while showing Dottie everything that made him… well, him. He didn’t consider himself spiritual in the broad sense of the word, but being Jewish was one of the only things he had always known about himself, the part of his identity that no matter what happened would always be his and he was proud of who he was.

Dottie sat at the dinner table with Gareth and his parents to share a lovely meal together and wondered for the millionth time in her life what it would be like to have siblings. She knew her friend and Gretchen, his older sister, hardly saw eye to eye: she was outgoing, sporty, had a lot of friends and a loving boyfriend, and Gareth was nerdy, shy, and obsessed with horror movies to a degree people that didn’t know him too well found off putting. Despite these differences though, it was clear from the way Gareth spoke about his sister that he would gladly walk through literal fire for her, even though he was the first one to chew her out every time she came home and left enough hair to make a wig on their shower wall. He put two latkes on Dottie’s plate, one with applesauce on top, the other one with sour cream and waited for her verdict, big blue eyes shining with excitement.

“Which one’s your fave?” Dottie asked him, holding the one with sour cream like Lydia was doing across from her.

“I’m not gonna tell you, you can’t be biased,” Gareth scoffed, fork halfway to his mouth full of decadent meat. “Gotta form your own opinion.”

“I’m gonna try them both, I just wanted to know which one you liked more,” she defended herself before trying a bit without any sauce first, just to get a feel of the texture. “Okay, yeah, I see what you meant now. These are better than hash browns.”

“Told ya,” he grinned. “Now try it with the sour cream.”

“Gareth, don’t be pushy,” Gavriel warned, but there was no need, she was already on her second bite.

Gareth waited with bated breath as she switched to her other latke, this one with applesauce. He watched her chew, her face giving away nothing while she wiped her hand on a napkin. A few moments of silence went by, both Lydia and Gavriel looking at each other with curious eyes, their son’s eyebrows going higher each second that ticked by. He had never been particularly patient, and Dottie was making him sweat for her review.

“So?” he asked, leaning towards her. “Which one’s better?”

“Are you gonna throw me out if I don’t agree with you?”

“Dot.”

“Sour cream’s better,” she said, and he groaned loudly. “It’s not that applesauce is bad, I just liked the other one more! The chives in the cream make it feel special. Thank you for making these for us, Mrs. Coleman, they are great.”

“Oh, you don’t have to thank me, sweetie!” said Lydia, beaming at the praise. “I like them with chives better too.”

“You are both so wrong,” Gareth said, looking at his father for support. “Tell them they’re wrong, Dad.”

“I like them with both sauces,” Gavriel declared before kissing Lydia’s cheek. “Your mother is a great cook, just eat and be grateful.”

“Ugh. Got no allies in this house.”

“Finish your dinner, Gare, it’s getting cold,” Lydia said, knowing better than anyone else how dramatic her son could be.

As the dinner progressed and his parents chatted with Dottie, eager to know more about her, Gareth couldn’t help but notice just how different it was to have a female best friend than to only have multiple sweaty metalheads around all the time. He loved Jeff, Donny, and Eddie, and he was pretty confident that he would go to war for them if they ever needed him to, but there was a soft quality to his friendship with Dot he had never really experienced before, not even with his sister. He felt less pressure to be traditionally boyish, could have longer, deeper talks and not have to worry about anyone making fun of his feelings when they overwhelmed or confused him. And truthfully, it wasn’t that he couldn’t be 100% himself with the boys, but having a girl in their tight-knit group had meant they were now a lot more careful about how they approached certain topics, or how they behaved in general.

No more farting around in each other’s faces when they got into the van or pausing to stare at boobs during Fast Times at Ridgemont High - they were much more in tune with each other now, noticing the little things they would have easily disregarded before, like Jeff’s apprehension towards the big brother he had once looked up to and tried to emulate, or Donny’s budding excitement at the thought of joining his family’s business after graduation. Or perhaps it hadn’t been Dottie at all who had changed the dynamic of their group, and they had simply, well, grown up. Graduation was just a month away, after all.

After dinner, Gareth’s parents retreated to their living room to relax after a long day while the teens gathered their supplies and slipped outside to the garage to do the practical portion of their project. Gavriel had spent a couple of hours on Saturday helping his son build all the necessary parts for two homemade bomb calorimeters; mainly they had just drilled holes into cans and hoped things would fit in once assembled. Once everything was in place, they got to work with the ease of two people who had been lab partners for a while and knew exactly what their tasks were: Dottie was in charge of the charts and Gareth of the equations. They were both equally excited about the burning though.

“God, this smells like a s’more,” he groaned, the barely there fire under their can of water consuming a marshmallow.

“I don’t like s’mores,” she said, jotting something down on their chart.

“You are so weird.”

They were both sitting in the driveway in front of the garage, the pavement under their jeans a little bit chilly from the day’s overcast sky. They had already burned the bread (toasted and untoasted), cereal, and dry pasta, and were now moving onto the remaining foods, the sickly sweet marshmallow scent mixing with the smoke in the night air.

“So…,” Gareth began, measuring the temperature of the water in the can.

“So?”

“Heard Eddie got you a ticket for prom.”

“Yeah,” she said, nonchalantly. “We got into an argument last week and he wanted to make it up to me.”

“Are you two going together now?”

“No, we’re still going as a group. He just did something nice for me.”

“Sure,” he smirked. “Something nice. Absolutely not strange at all.”

“Just spit it out, G, what do you actually want to ask?” Dottie turned to him with a tired expression.

“What’s going on between you two?”

“Nothing!” she said, a little bit too defensively, which made him lift an eyebrow in response. “Nothing is going on, I promise. We’re just friends.”

“Dot, come on,” he shook his head, big curls swaying back and forth. “Are you seriously telling me that you two aren’t swapping spit during your dates? He bought you a prom ticket, he takes you to dinner all the time, he might as well have fucking tattooed your name on his left tit.”

“Okay, first of all, ew. Swapping spit, really? God have mercy on however kisses you,” she ducked to avoid a marshmallow to her head. “Second, we don’t go on dates. We get together to study and sometimes we eat together, that’s it. Nothing inappropriate has ever happened, so knock it off, okay?”

Gareth saw her jaw clench and decided to drop the subject entirely, switching topics to their current assignment and the different smells certain charred food reminded him of. They completed their work quickly and efficiently, packing up for the night before retreating to the safety of his bedroom. He offered her his shower and Dottie accepted it gladly, desperate for a few minutes alone to clear her head. He fished out clean towels from the hallway storage cupboard, and sent her on her merry way to the Jack and Jill he shared with his sister, wondering if maybe he’d mistaken the signals he’d gotten from watching two of his best friends interact with each other.

Dottie was spiraling. There was no other way to describe what she was doing while staring at the big bottle of hair conditioner in Gareth and Gretchen’s shared bathroom. The water was scalding, leaving her skin pink and her fingers pruny but she didn’t attempt to move from under the stream for several seconds. Had she really been that obvious? Could people tell that she liked Eddie? Could he tell? What if he didn’t know, but found out and was disgusted about it? She’d shared so much of her past lately, what if he used it as a weapon to hurt her? Oh, but Eddie wasn’t like that. He could be mean when he wanted to, but never to his friends, or at least not intentionally. He could be harsh sometimes, but he didn’t mean to hurt anyone. And besides, he’d offered up his life story to her too so that meant he trusted her. But what if he started hating her? What if he hated that he’d confided in her while she was secretly harboring this big ass crush that seemed to grow every day and left her breathless every time their hands touched? What if -

“Dot? You okay in there?” Gareth’s voice cut straight through the madness swirling inside her head.

“Y-yeah! I’ll be out in a sec!”

“Okay! You want egg cream?”

“What?” she turned off the water and wrapped herself in a fluffy baby pink towel, padding closer to the door.

“Egg cream, it’s like an ice cream float but with no ice cream. Like foamy chocolate milk. You wanna try it?”

“Uh, okay. Sure!”

She could hear him walking away towards the kitchen, socks cushioning his steps, and quickly changed into her pajamas trying to come back down to the present. Gareth had always been incredibly nice to her, and she considered themselves to be pretty close. She thought of all the boys as her best friends, but Gareth and her had immediately clicked in a way that was different than with the rest of them. Jeff was very much an equal, a calming presence, the friend she turned to when she was nervous and needed advice, and he sought her out for comfort as well, their relationship shaped around a sort of gentle give and take. On the other hand, Donny was the big brother she’d never had, guiding her in D&D when she felt particularly lost, sharing music with her, and helping her become more confident in her own skin. She’d return his affections with endless enthusiasm and curiosity, their friendship based on mutual admiration and genuine fondness. And Gareth… Gareth was the rambunctious twin she’d always dreamed of. They bickered incessantly, she’d steal his sweatshirts and then let him copy off her homework, and he’d threaten to burp in her face only to then steer her away from bullies in the hallways. Out of all their friends, he was the most likely to give her his real opinion on something without filtering it, and that’s why when she hung up the towel to dry, she decided he deserved to know the truth.

“Hey,” he said, looking up from the glass he was pouring chocolate syrup into. “You can have that one, I didn’t make you a big one in case you didn’t like it.”

“Thanks,” Dottie smiled lightly, and he smiled back. “What did you say this was called? Creamed egg?”

“Egg cream,” Gareth snorted. “It’s chocolate milk, but with seltzer. It sounds crazy but it’s really good, I promise.”

Dottie took a small sip and scrunched her face instantly making him laugh. With a confused expression, she went in for a second sip, and then a third one. She wiped the foam from her upper lip and set the cup down.

“It’s not gross, but it’s not good either.”

“Yeah, it’s kinda weird, right? That’s why I like it. It’s better with Fox’s U-Bet, but I only have Hershey’s,” he said, before taking a big gulp and downing half his glass in one go. “Ready for bed?”

“Can we take down your Freddy Krueger poster? It gives me the creeps.”

“You’re such a baby,” he teased her, but he was already on his way to his bedroom to unpin it from his wall.

They settled in for the night after brushing their teeth while sharing the sink, playfully bumping each other with their elbows for more space. Gareth not only took his Freddy Krueger poster down, but also his Night of the Living Dead and The Evil Dead posters while Dottie fluffed her pillow, the air mattress bouncing softly every time she moved. They lay in the dark for a few minutes, moonlight barely giving shape to the bumps in the bedroom before she turned to him.

"G?" Dottie whispered, not wanting to wake him up if he'd already fallen asleep.

"Yeah?"

"If I tell you a secret, you promise not to tell anyone? Not even the guys?"

"Of course," the sheets shifted against his legs as he rolled onto his side and she saw his hand extend until it was right next to her. "Pinky swear."

She lifted her own hand up and linked pinkies with him, shaking on it once. He stayed on his side, squinting in the darkness to see her profile but she never spoke. He thought she'd maybe dozed off, but the blow-up mattress began crackling when she turned on her side to look at him. A car sped down the street illuminating the room and both teens stared at each other until the lights dimmed again. Gareth could tell, if only for a brief moment, that she was terrified of what was stuck in her throat.

"Do you… do you wanna, like, come up here?" he asked, thinking of how he used to climb into his sister's bed when he had nightmares as a kid. Gretchen would always protest against it, but when he woke up in her arms after the sun had gone up, he knew she didn't really mind that much.

"Yeah. Yes, thank you. Just for a bit, though."

"Just for a bit," he repeated, moving back towards the wall and leaving space for her to crawl under his covers.

They lay on their sides sharing a pillow, their heads so close they could have smelled each others’ minty breaths if they just inched forward a bit more. By all means, the situation should have been extremely weird, but it wasn't. There was no rush, no expectations, just two friends waiting until one of them was brave enough to spill some truth into the midnight. Only mild nervousness at the conversation that was about to unfold could be found on Gareth's bed at that moment.

"I think I like Eddie," Dottie said, breaking the silence and bracing for an impact that never came.

"You think you like Eddie?"

"I… no. No, I know I like him. I like Eddie."

"Okay. And he doesn't know?"

"I haven't told him, so I hope not."

"And you don't know if he likes you back?"

"I was kinda hoping you'd help me out on that."

"Well," Gareth began. "Not sure I can. I've known him for years and he just doesn't talk about that stuff with us. Not since Polly Sue at least."

"Polly Sue?"

"This girl he liked back when we first met him. They were in junior year, I think they sat together in class. He asked her to prom and she laughed at him in front of everyone," he explained. "It was really bad. Her friends made fun of him for like a whole week."

"That's horrible."

"He never talked about girls again after that. I know he's kissed some after gigs but it hasn't happened in months."

"Maybe he found someone he likes?" she said, chest seizing at the thought.

"I don't think you have anything to worry about. He's literally spending all his free time with you, so you must be doing something right. I bet he likes you too, but he’s too awkward to say it."

"Yeah? You think so?"

"Yeah! Come on, he'd be a dumbass if he didn't like you back. You're great!"

"You have to say that, you're my best friend," she nudged his leg with hers.

"As your best friend I have to also tell you that you're a freak for not liking latkes with applesauce."

"You're the freak, you sleep with socks on."

Both teens giggled at the absurdity of their fight, Gareth swinging a leg over her hip while she gave him a hug with her left arm only, the right one tucked under her head. He hugged her back, also with one arm, his chin barely touching her forehead.

"You know, if you really want to know, you could just ask him," he suggested.

"I can't walk up to him and go "hey Eddie! Do you like me? Oh, why am I asking you say? Don't worry about it, just curious!". Like, I'd literally rather fucking fall into the quarry."

"I'm not saying you should ask him like that, smartass. You could just ask him if he likes anyone, it’s a friendly question."

"And if he says he does and it's not me?"

"Then you know and you can move on. But honestly, I don't think you should worry. He got you a ticket for prom, he's getting all his grades up for you. I think you're good. Just, keep going like that, y'know? Show him what he’s getting with you if he grows some balls."

"You're really smart sometimes, you know that?" she teased, but her voice was full of fondness.

"Eh, I have my moments," he grinned.

They chatted for another hour, gossiping about things they'd heard in the hallways and making plans for the summer after graduation, the places they wanted to see, the food they wanted to try, the people they wanted to meet. Dottie slipped back into her mattress when the yawns became frequent, sheets cold but heart warm with the knowledge that if everything failed, she'd always could count on Gareth to be her best cheerleader.

Tuesday, May 13th - 1986

If Eddie thought dropping Dottie off at Gareth’s the previous night was bad for his blood pressure, he had no way of preparing himself for the absolute shock it was to see them hanging onto each other near Jeff’s locker where all his friends were congregating before their third period. Gareth was barely awake, clinging to Dottie to keep himself upright despite his head lolling onto hers every few seconds. Dottie looked equally sleepy but seemed to be less in danger of falling to the floor, shoulder tucked under his armpit and locking her body in place. All of that would have been enough to give Eddie a heart attack, but the fact that she was wearing Gareth’s oversized Van Halen sweatshirt tucked into her overalls had his brain firing in wild directions.

"Hey, man," Donny said, standing next to Jeff.

"Hey. You two good?" he asked the tired duo.

"Hi, Ed," Dottie smiled at him sleepily, and Eddie felt his insides turn to mush. "We got an A+."

"First A+ I've gotten since middle school," Gareth muttered, eyes closed but with a satisfied grin on his lips.

"Probably the last one too," Jeff teased, making the curly haired boy blindly lunge at him.

The sudden movement dislodged Dottie’s comfy stand, making her wobble against Eddie's side, left hand coming up to clutch the front of his shirt softly. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders to help stabilize her, but truth be told, he just wanted to hold her and it seemed like a good enough excuse. She didn’t seem to mind, letting herself relax into his soft embrace.

"Sorry," she said, stifling a yawn. "We stayed up really late last night, I'm exhausted."

"I can see that. You wanna skip Calc and take a nap in my van?"

"We can't skip Calc, finals are in a couple of weeks."

"Princess, you're dead on your feet right now."

"We aren't skipping Calc," she said firmly. "I'll nap in the library during fourth."

"Okay," he chuckled. "I'll wake you up for lunch."

Eddie didn't have the heart to wake her up after she fell asleep. Once fourth period started and they were free to study wherever they wanted, he dragged her towards a dark-ish corner at the back of the library and worked on his drawing portfolio quietly while she snoozed on the carpeted floor, her head resting on his lap. She slept straight through fourth period and lunch, and he made no attempts to rouse her from her slumber before the bell rang signaling the start of the last period and the end to their shared classes for the day. He walked her to her Home Economics classroom where Donny was waiting to fully wake her up with a bone-crunching hug, and hurried towards the Biology class he shared with Jeff who asked about their absence at the lunch table with a worried expression.

By the time they all reconvened in the parking lot at the end of the day, she was looking much more alive and he was hungry as hell. They didn’t stop to get snacks as they so often did, choosing instead to share Dottie’s BLT and chips she’d packed for lunch and the brownies she’d made during Home Ec on their drive to the trailer. She didn’t even wipe his tepid bottle of water before taking her own sip, and he hung onto that detail for far longer than he should have. Who could care about her wearing Gareth’s clothes when she lifted a bit of sandwich to his mouth while his hands were busy switching gears and pulling into a turn?

Wayne, as always, was happy to see her and gave her a big hug when they walked into the trailer. Dottie offered the last piece of brownie to him and Eddie could have sworn the old man thought about bringing out adoption papers right there and then. He left them to chat while he rearranged the mess in his bedroom and then the two teens retreated to the dry comfort of his bed, looming clouds threatening to rain again after it had drizzled all morning. Nobody had told Dottie the midwest was this goddamn rainy before she’d made the big move, but she’d much preferred it to how hot she knew summer was going to get as the days went by. She finished her homework for the day quickly and Eddie let her wander around his room while he steadily worked on his, Biology textbook open next to his knee.

When he was on his last question, he noticed she seemed to be bouncing with energy, keeping herself busy by rearranging his tape collection again. He snapped his textbook shut with enough force for her to jolt her head up, and as soon as he’d cleared his bed from any stray papers, she jumped on it, kneeling in front of his crossed legs with shifty eyes and rosy cheeks.

“Okay, spill. You look like Gareth when he overhears something juicy in the hallway,” Eddie said, leaning back onto the wall behind his bed and crossing his arms.

“Speaking of Gareth,” she began, and Eddie waited patiently. “We were talking about prom last night, and, well, it doesn’t really matter, but I was just wondering if you… because we’re all going together as a group, right? But you got me my ticket and I didn’t want things to be awkward if you did so I thought-”

“Princess, I’m so lost right now.”

“Right. Sorry,” she said sheepishly. She took a deep breath while she rearranged her legs to sit criss-cross in front of him. “I was just wondering if there was someone you liked, you know? At school? Because you got me my ticket and I’m really grateful, but I don’t want to ruin things for you if you want to get a date or something.”

“Did Gareth tell you I liked someone?” he narrowed his eyes in confusion.

“No! No, I asked him about- I can pay you back if you want,” she wrung her hands on her lap.

“You don’t have to pay me back,” he said, sitting up. “I don’t… there isn’t anyone I want to take to prom. I want to go with you. And, y’know, the guys. Hellfire Class of ‘86 and all that, right?”

“Yeah, no, I just thought…,” she chewed on her lower lip, not knowing where to take the conversation. “It’s okay if you wanna go with someone else.”

“Do you want to go with someone else?” Eddie asked, wary.

“I wanna go with you,” she said, and looked up at him suddenly. “Hellfire Class of ‘86, l-like you said.”

“Okay,” he said, untangling her wrung fingers and pulling one hand into his. “Good. Nothing’s changing then. You don’t have to pay me back.”

“Okay,” she repeated. “Good.”

Eddie pulled her by her hand until she fell forward into him, legs tangled on top of his blanket and arms around hers. Where were these questions coming from? Had Gareth mentioned something to make her doubt that he wanted nothing more than to take her to prom? He couldn’t wait until the moment he got to sit next to her in his van with her fancy dress on and a love stricken smile on his face. Dottie settled comfortably on his chest, the side of her nose pressed to his sternum, cheek squished against the soft cotton of his shirt. He wondered if she felt it too, that inexplicable pull between them, that overwhelming need to be close, to feel the heat coming off from each other’s skin.

One time very early into their friendship, Mike had mentioned that it was strange how touchy they both were with one another considering they hadn’t known each other for long. Eddie was someone who never hesitated to pull a friend into his arms, always play fighting with the boys, not entirely understanding what the phrase “personal space” meant. He was loud and boisterous, and he was equally showy in his affections regardless who was on the receiving end: Eddie Munson didn’t half ass anything - anything that mattered to him, anyways. Dottie on the other hand was much more reserved, but still didn’t shy away from physical contact. She was always letting her head fall into someone’s shoulder, consistently linking her arm with her friends’ while they walked through hallways, giving everyone strawberry chapstick kisses on their cheeks as a goodbye. But even after Dustin had pointed all of this out to Mike and everyone had agreed with his assessment and dropped the subject, Eddie had never stopped thinking about it.

In more recent times, he’d begun hoping that maybe all the work he was putting in was actually coming to fruition. He still had a long way to go in his eyes, but he couldn’t complain about the fact that he was currently holding the girl he was secretly in love with while laying on his bed, in the room she had helped clean, with his tummy full of the food she’d prepared. Would it really be too much of a sin to push things further a little bit? To start figuring out where he stood compared to everyone else in her life?

“What about you?” Eddie asked, hand coming up to brush her broken curls out of her face.

“Hm?”

“Do you like someone at school?”

“Not really, no,” she muttered, and he could feel her heart rate pick up under his own chest.

“What about Gareth?”

“Ew,” she said instantly, making him snort. “I love him, but I don’t like him like that. He’s like… Like an annoying brother. Did you know he snores?”

“Be glad all he did was snore. I’ve heard him fart in his sleep and it’s not pretty,” she chuckled. “Be honest now though,” he paused dramatically. “Do I snore?”

“You don’t snore,” she lifted her head, chin hovering where her cheek had been. “Do I?”

“Yeah. Thought we were gonna get kicked out of the library today, it was like an earthquake,” he said, making her gasp and slap his side. “No, you don’t snore, darling. You slept like a baby.”

“What about you though?”

“Do I sleep like a baby?”

“No - Do you like someone?”

“Not really,” now it was his turn for his heart rate to pick up. He hoped she couldn’t feel it under her hands that were now between her chin and his chest.

“What about Chrissy?”

“What about her?” he was confused.

“Dunno. The guys said you weren’t friends until recently and I just wondered. She’s pretty.”

“I suppose so, yeah,” Eddie thought about Chrissy for a bit. He did think she was pretty, but in the same way he thought a sunset was pretty. Nice to look at, pleasant to be around, but not particularly breathtaking. Not to him at least. He hoped Jason Carver thought Chrissy was as stunning as the way he thought Dottie with her wild hair lying on top of him right now was. She deserved that kind of adoration. “I don’t really see her that way. She’s a good friend, though. I told her she should talk to you, I think you’d get along.”

“Why?”

“Why I think you’d get along?” he asked for confirmation, Dottie nodded. Because I’m in love with you and she’s gonna be my maid of honor slash best woman slash whatever that shit’s called at our wedding. “You’re in World History together, right? You’re both sweet, and kind, and caring. And you both like Elton John. And Queen!”

“Everyone likes Queen.”

“Yeah, but not everyone has their records. I don’t. You could talk about that with her, she owns all of them. She says her Dad always gets a new one for her when he’s on a work trip.”

“You really are good friends with her, huh?”

“Like you and Gareth,” he said, wanting to make it clear his eyes were not wandering. He didn’t need Dottie thinking he wasn’t interested in her. “Well, maybe without the sleepovers.”

“Isn’t it dumb though?” Dottie said, furrowing her brow in mild irritation. “How people just assume that if you’re friends with someone of the opposite sex you must be into them?”

“I mean, sometimes friends like each other.”

“Sure, yeah, but not all friends do. Like, no one thinks you and Jeff are dating and I’ve seen you two almost kiss sharing a mic. If you did that with Chrissy, people would think there’s something going on.”

“Dot, you know exactly why people think that,” he lifted an eyebrow. “Fuck Reagan, remember?”

Dottie sat up immediately, looking very rigid. He took his time sitting up too, but took it as a win when she grabbed his hand and began playing with his rings. It almost looked like she was preparing herself to drop a bomb on him, and he couldn’t help but think that it wasn’t necessary. He knew what she was gonna say before she even opened her mouth, because whatever she looked like right now, was exactly how Eddie looked like a few years back when Wayne found a very special magazine he’d bought in Indy hidden underneath his bed amongst all the other ones he didn’t care to put away properly most of the time.

“Eddie, there’s… there’s something you should-”

“I know,” he said, thumb ghosting along hers. “Me too.”

“You too?” she said, confusion and hope mixing in her eyes. He nodded.

“Darling, you love Rocky Horror. That’s kind of a dead giveaway.”

“I like musicals,” she tried to pull back her hand but he held on.

“You do. But we both know it’s not Rocky and Brad you’re into when you watch it.”

“And,” Dottie swallowed a big lump in her throat before continuing. “-that’s okay with you?”

“Why would I care? It’s not like I watched it for Janet,” he revealed, a knowing smile on his face.

“So you like… boys?” she asked, wanting to turn all the cards on the table upright.

“And girls,” he said, her eyes snapping back to his. “And you like girls?”

“And boys. Like you.”

“Like me.”

They stared at each other for a few seconds before she let out an airy laugh, like she had been holding it for a while. Eddie wondered if he was the first person she’d ever told this to. Maybe someday he’d tell her that Wayne wouldn’t care either, and when it happened, she’d tell him that her Auntie Rachel didn’t mind as well, but for now, this shared secret would stay between the four walls of Eddie’s bedroom that no longer smelled like mold or vinegar. It smelled like home.

“Have you…,” Dottie began, not knowing how to ask. He picked up on what she meant instantly.

“Yeah. A couple of times at The Hideout. The guys don’t know though.”

“Do you think they’d have a problem with it?”

“I’m not sure, but I don’t think I’m ready to find out yet,” he said honestly. She nodded in agreement. “Have you?”

“Just one time. A kiss at a party. We were playing Truth or Dare.”

“Real steamy,” he joked, and she pushed him lightly.

“I was fifteen, okay? It was enough to send me into cardiac arrest.”

“I bet. I thought I was having a weird trip my first time. Didn’t help that we definitely smoked some strange shit before.”

“I feel silly now,” she admitted. “I thought you’d be upset.”

“Come here.”

He opened his arms and she crawled between his legs, squeezing his middle. He rocked them both side to side for a bit to make her giggle and loosen up. Eddie had a good feeling about where they were headed after this and let himself enjoy it, knowing that the knot in his stomach he’d identified as jealousy had begun unraveling. She didn’t like anyone at school and now she knew that he didn’t either. This was good. Things could grow on fertile ground, and he was doing a damn good job at prepping the soil. It was time, he felt, to turn up the heat.

“Hey,” he said, and she hummed in acknowledgement, not lifting her head from his shoulder. “So, you know my birthday is this week, right? Jeff was telling me today that we could have a movie night in his basement. You game?”

“On Thursday?”

“I was thinking on Friday after Hellfire. And on Thursday you can come over and we can, like, hang out? Wayne said he’s gonna get a cake, and I’d kinda really like to spend the day with you both. Nothing big. We can still do homework and stuff, I mean, I’m only halfway done with my portfolio and-”

“I’d love to come. Count me in, birthday boy.”

“Great. I’ll tell Wayne later.”

Later that night, when Dottie was tucked into her own bed after two long days filled with very interesting conversations, she pondered on Gareth’s words. Show him what he’s getting with you if he grows some balls, he had said. Just before she fell asleep, a sudden thought entered her brain and stuck to the front pushing away everything else. Maybe I am the one that needs to grow some balls.

taglist (comment below or shoot me a dm if you want to be added!): @munsonology @kurdtbean

[diagonal-queen]

thungo thursday pt2

ep 6 (put it under a cut because this one is LONG)

fukuchi be like 'the agency couldn't possibly be smart enough to- oh wait nvm i forgot ranpo existed lol' like more than once and i think that is testament to the fact that RANPO BEST BOY

'have you forgotten? we're terrorists' ICONIC BEHAVIOUR

man and i complain about doing one 37 hour work week. after this one week the agency needs to take a NAP. AND THE MAFIA TOO. imagine there's like just no criminal activity or anything for like three days and everyone's like ?? but on day 4 atsushi and akutagawa are fighting to the death at the port and everyone is like 'ah. business as usual' lmaoooo

omg every time the hunting dogs song comes on i get so hyped lmao im like yESSS ACTION

'that man, that demon, the evillest most scawy man ever in the world....etc etc' and its just some guy doing the most coy babygirl pose a guy can possibly do

wait DAZAI WHAT DID YOU DO. HOW DID YOU DO IT

taneda btw deserved none of this he was just some nice old dude and then sigma fucking stabbed him lmao

dazai is like the personification of the perjury mechanic in drv3. 'go on lie. you gotta. lie now. cmon pussy you wont'

OH MY GOD CHUUYA

my god fyozai is so fucking babygirl. also wdym dazai?? if the two of you were the last ones on earth you should just have gay sex. its not that hard smh

oh no dazai falled down through the flore

OH MY GOD MYKOLA AND SIGMA

BESTIE??

BESTIE?????

BESTIE????????????????

BESTIE??????????????????????

B

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dm me if you want to receive a free 2min audio file of me laughing about this (i have a headache from laughing. my throat fucking hurts so bad. i'm pretty sure it's actually bleeding. my eyes are moist with tears. BESTIE???????)

do you even needa ask why i'm here?? ⭐️❤️☺️ *voice drops 6 octaves* i'm here to murder you 👹👹👹

and then after that fyodor was just like 'teehee he's so romantic x' like bro

dazai: *turns to the camera like he's on the office* waow

i love mykola's little laugh it's so silley

omg they're actually animating him so well. bones must've seen the reception from s4 and decided to step it up 💀

dazai and fyodor are simultaneously evil grown men and bimbo highschool girls and it's such a look. 'omg ur friends are so cute <3' 'omg right???' also mykola my beloved i want to be yours forever pls

i love how bram's acting all tough like aya can't just open the casket and leave and render him thoroughly powerless lmao

omg the official anime aya and bram sillies begin. we've been waiting for this for months folks so far so good

it was already pretty funny that aya is carrying bram like a backpack but actually seeing her running with him on her back is like a billion times funnier especially since this shit is life or death. but she just got a whole entire vampire on her back no problem sjhsksjssjhj

sigma: watashi wa shiguma me: fucking superb you funky little toddler

imagine if it was a fucking prank this whole time and mykola just injected them with a slow-working sedative or something that would be so funny. like all of this for nothing sksjksjsjks and then he just stabs fyodor or something the end. boom world save

oh ok nvm the vampires can talk just fine i guess lmao. also i genuinely cant tell if im supposed to be taking this episode seriously or not. one second people are being brutally slaughtered next moment silley little guys??? such is the way of bsd i guess

'you're a failure of a woman' my dude she is literally 10 years old she is nowhere close to being a woman shut your misogynistic ass up lmao

OKAY BECAUSE ok ok listen i was wondering what music they were gonna use for bram and when i heard the ending music i was like 'ok a little anticlimactic but i understand' and then it TRANSITIONED into the ACTUAL ENDING??? 10/10

hehe. bestie

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Bucky already being such a bitch from the jump is so funny lol "Good day? wHaT's GoOd aBoUt iT?!" like okay grampa, its time for your nap

And Blue... ong Blue is so damn sweet and chill, can't wait to see them interact more closely. He will be so annoyed at everything and she'll just ask him if its that time of the month, so he gets angry and she laughs more

Can't wait for all this comedy gold

Ha. I don't know that she'd be very sarcastic with him but her cheery efforts sure will irk him! He's definitely looking for every single flaw to be mad about. She's just being nice and he's taking it so literally. Like fuck today, don't be saying it's good.

[chatgroove]

Lol so uh, hi, I'm Pulse, and I don't use my personal tumblr as much as I should and I would like to change that. I recently made a decision to get rid of a side blog that made me pretty happy because the people who partook in said k!nk community made me want to rip my hair out after a while. To save you the suspense I had a blog focused around my tickling kink lol It's still something I think about lately but my interests have changed and I don't want to associate my OCs with just k!nk anymore. They're so much more than that.

I want to finally write my book one day. Maybe even get the drive up to work on the comic. Idk something, I want my babies out there. And it feels weird trying to do that with my n/sfw blog hanging over my head with these characters that is totally...ooc for most of them lol. So if you're following me from said blog, hi, it's good to see you again and sorry I've been so sparce. Life has been kind of mean this past month.

Idk if I mentioned it but but we lost our 7 year old German Shepherd Lucy to stomach cancer later in September. She was the light of our life and currently as I'm typing this I'm weeping once again for her. That's because it was a combo of my mental health taking a nosedive after deleting a blog I had for 8 years, a pit of depression I fell into, and ofc, OF fucking course losing our precious Lucy.

But today was the tipping point. Mandy, the dog we adopted from the pound, had to be taken to the vet one final time. The bastards at the pound knew she had kennel cough and they wouldn't wait on spaying her so she got aspirate pneumonia from the procedure. We tried so hard for a week to nurse her back to health, get her to eat, get her to take the meds, anything. She just like...tanked overnight. And we had already fallen in love with her.

Today fucking sucked. Losing Mandy is making the feeling of all my other loses hit me all at once and I woke up from a nap unable to stop crying. I know this is just a rough patch but wow this hurts. This hurts really bad. I just want Lucy back. I want Mandy back. I wanted to give Mandy a good home. She was so sweet and she was taken from us too soon.

Again, I want to get into the swing of using this blog more and posting art but currently I'm just trying to keep my head above water man. I can't even draw or do anything that I love to do.

It'll come back to me, I know it will. I just. I'm hurting right now so I guess please be gentle with me haha. For those on discord who reached out to me, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart but I'm so bad at having friends see me having a mental breakdown that I'm kind of just hiding away. But thank you guys for being so kind.

I'm gonna hug Dante and watch some movies I think and eat my pizza and try to feel better. Thanks for reading <3

[ridiasfangirlings]

Sooo I was just "lol" at the "Sarumi accidentally married" ask and it occurred to me... Do you know Kyou Kara Maou? What about Misaki as the protagonist who goes to another, magical, world, and then meets this complete jerk of a prince with amazing powers (you know, you already have "hiko" in you name Saru lol). First Misaki tries to befriend him because wow you're awesome and all that, but of course Saru just can't help but to be a snarking idiot mocking him all the time and at one point Misaki is angry enough to impulsively slap him on the face. It wasn't a really strong slap or anything, but now everyone around is staring at them with the most absolute surprise, and Saru looks so utterly shocked that Misaki actually feels a little guilt while being like come on it wasn't THAT big of a deal right

Turns out is WAS that big of a deal because Yata Misaki, the foretold traveler from another world destined to save this kingdom, has just officially offered marriage to prince Fuhimi Saruhiko.

…I am honestly a little upset that this one didn’t cross my mind instantly XD Imagine normal human teenager Yata Misaki is skateboarding one day when he sees these bullies cornering one of his upperclassmen, Munakata Reisi. Yata doesn’t care for that guy but he hates bullies too so he steps in to stop them, Munakata promptly takes his leave and Yata ends up being grabbed by the bullies instead. They decide to punish him by sticking his head in the toilet and the next thing Yata knows he’s been flushed into another world where he’s immediately attacked. He’s saved by Mikoto, who serves the palace and was taking a nap in the bushes when Yata arrived, Yata’s immediately amazed by all Mikoto’s cool powers. Yata gets informed that he’s actually a demon himself and is in fact the prophesied Demon King come to save their country from ruin and strife. 

Obviously Yata’s mind is pretty blown by all this info (and also kinda upset that he doesn’t seem to have any cool powers yet). All the demons he meet seem pretty cool though so Yata’s not too upset about it…until he’s taken to the palace, where he’s told all about how the previous Demon King basically looted the kingdom before running off and he gets to meet that King’s only son, Fushimi Saruhiko. Fushimi’s immediate reaction is that isn’t Yata awfully short for a Demon King, Yata’s like who is this asshole that thinks he can talk back to the King huh. When he finds out Fushimi’s a prince Yata can’t believe it, like aren’t princes supposed to be cool and handsome not asshole nerds like this guy. Fushimi was instrumental in getting the kingdom back into shape after Niki’s disastrous rule so he’s still an important person in the palace though and Yata’s told to try and be on good terms with him, there’s info about their territories and such that only Fushimi knows how to deal with.

Yata can’t believe he has to get along with this jerk but he’s like fine I’ll try. At dinner a few nights later Fushimi is seated at Yata’s right hand and imagine them bickering the whole time, Yata calling Fushimi a little kid for picking his vegetables out of his food and Fushimi mocking Yata as a useless stupid human. Fushimi ends up making some terrible remark about Yata’s mom and Yata can’t take it anymore, someone needs to teach this guy a lesson, and he reaches out and proceeds to slap Fushimi in the face. There is a very long silence, Yata’s advisor Kusanagi just facepalms while his other advisor Totsuka starts clapping, happily congratulating Yata on finding a fiancée so quickly.Yata’s like wait what, Kusanagi quickly hustles the mortified Fushimi away as Totsuka gets to explain that slapping someone in the face is how you propose marriage in their country and Yata has now officially engaged himself to Fushimi.

Yata’s like what the fuck kind of country is this I take it back as Kusanagi walks in with a sigh and tells Yata he can’t take it back, that would be an affront to Fushimi’s honor. Yata decides well I’ll just talk to him and get him to refuse, when he goes to Fushimi’s room it’s clear that Fushimi is both annoyed but also confused because he doesn’t want to marry anyone, he doesn’t need Yata’s pity trying to marry him just because his dad was so awful. Yata had no idea about any of this and it feels awkward to try and take back the proposal now so he just quickly says that well, he thought Fushimi was kinda cool too and Fushimi clicks his tongue all I don’t need a compliment from you, why would I want to marry such a loudmouth shrimp. Yata’s like oh yeah asshole well you’re my fiancée now so just deal with it, Fushimi taunts him again and before he knows it Yata has basically been accidentally baited into reaffirming his engagement with the guy he didn’t even think he liked.

[having-conniptions]

Love In The Air episode 3 live reaction under the cut (long post)

Prapai is actually such a cutie

But so is Payu when he's smiling to himself (a smile that's usually meant for Rain)

Rain is baby tho

And Sky has their shared braincell like 99% of the time

Why is he writing on the board in English lol

And the way the camera pans over "How to date him in 30 days" and then snaps back to "him" xD

Love how Sky asks but then accepts it with no further questions <3

Also Rain keeps pretending he's only doing this so Payu will stop calling him stupid but it was Rain himself who decided that the only way to get Payu to stop was to make him fall in love (totally logical conclusion ofc that has nothing to do with the fact that he would have let Payu do whatever he wanted to him in that bathroom stall)

Rain should have brought gifts or notes to leave for Payu when he wasn't there come on dude make him think of you

OH. PRAPAI AND SKY DEFINITELY ALREADY HAVE SOMETHING GOING ON!!! Prapai was in a good mood and said it was thanks to Payu - and Sky didn't elaborate on what happened that night and just said he was fine AND NOW HE'S WALKING IN WITH A BIG FAT HICKEY ON HIS NECK boiiiis you ain't slick

Sky is so done with Rain lmao

Hahaha the dude working at the garage is the real MVP he's the shipper the matchmaker the enabler the supporter the sidekick that makes Payu's plan work I love him

PAHAHAHA RAIN FORCING HIMSELF TO BE POLITE

Payu really has a thing for politeness, huh? Or is it just about being dominant 👀

RAIN PRETENDING HE DOESN'T LIKE PAYU AND DOESN'T CARE BOIII DROP THE ACT

Rain is such a little brat I LOVE their dynamic

He's actually playing hard to get which means Payu ends up having to work for it (which only works because Payu is already interested) which does in fact help with making him fall in love

RAIN ANNOUNCING THAT HE'S HITTING ON PAYU TO THE WHOLE RESTAURANT LMAO

PAYU WANTING TO BE FED AND RAIN GOING "you have hands" I FUCKING CAN'T WITH THESE TWO who thought the cute one would be the cold one and the cool guy would be all soft and smiley

"Try replacing my 'stupid' with 'cute'" SO EVERY TIME HE SAID STUPID HE MEANT CUTE THIS MAN IS ALREADY HEAD OVER HEELS

And Rain gets sooooo shy about it awwwww babyyyyyyy and his smile is so adorable aaaaaa

Sky is still so done with Rain (same bby) and the guy behind Rain is fascinated with the taste of his pen cap wtf is going on

Rain still playing hard to get huh

And Aon getting caught in the middle of PayuRain

Every time Rain plays hard to get a little smile breaks through his stern face bc he can't contain the butterflies he gets from Payu's affection and I think that's beautiful

"What are you looking at?" - "A cutie." <3<3<3

OHMYGAWD THE CUTENESS

The shippers lmaoooo I love them

NOOO DON'T TAKE A NAP YOU'LL BE LATE

The dream tho lol

NOOO RAIN YOU GOTTA PERSIST

He doesn't accept comforting from his crush but goes to see Payu awwwwww

The way Payu packs up his things IMMEDIATELY so he can go home and comfort Rain who's been waiting for him in the pouring rain

THE WAY HE GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND EXTENDS HIS ARMS TO RAIN WHO'S SITTING ON THE FLOOR aaaaaa this is so beautiful he's offering physical contact but leaving the choice up to Rain unlike Ple who squeezed Rain's arm AND RAIN GOES FOR THE HUG which mirrors how he removed Ple's hand from his arm I AM NEVER GOING TO BE NORMAL ABOUT THIS

He called him good boy oh my

How to make him fall in love with you: break down crying in his arms

"I'm here if you want to talk" THE PLE PARALLELS ARE ACCUMULATING

Payu actually helping Rain to learn from his mistakes and agreeing with his teacher but also sympathizing with him aaaaaaaa so wholesome and healthy

HE CALLED HIM NAUGHTY BOY how many more nicknames does this guy have for Rain

I just need them to kiss again please

"You'll get sick. I don't want to take care of you." HIS LITTLE SMILE WHEN HE PULLED AWAY MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME

Bonus scene: AWWW HE REALLY WAS CRUSHING FROM THE START

[celiastjamesoscar]

Professors either are your best friends or your ultimate enemy. That dude needs to take a chill pill. He probably gets off on causing his students misery. Jon, on the other hand, seems so cool and like a fun dude! His love for pictures is everything, I adore it. If you can talk to him about gambling then he's really a chill guy. 4 finals, that's manageable! I'm the same study type as you; procrastinating it and only doing it a short time beforehand. But, I'm the prime example for this bad behavior. Don't be like me and fuck up your finals. So listen up, I will boss you around one more time. You will start studying early on and really put your heart and soul into it. The relief you will feel afterwards will be the greatest thing ever! Listen to me, miss ma'am.

Omg yes Sam and Butter are sharing one brain cell! Oh Sam definitely enjoyed his ball, especially since he lost his two... The new tattoos will be smaller, fineline ones. 1 is an ufo sucking in a human with "get in loser" on top. The other one will be a devil lady (naked) waking up from a nap inside of a coffin. The best news about all of this is that THE HOT MILF WILL BE DOING THE TATTOOS!!!!

Well... technically I'm already "fired" so they can't do anything. After my apprentices is over they couldn't offer me a job so I'm being let go. And because that company is really shitty and never treated us well, I don't give a fuck anymore and will call in sick. I already called in today. Hey! Cutting a banana is hard work! I held it in my hand (first mistake) and cut through it. Then I looked away because I got distracted (second mistake) and somehow cut my thumb. The one that held the knife. I genuinely don't even know how I did that...

YES GRACE THANK YOU!! I just grabbed that poor girl while she was stealing the pigs food. She's so soft and warm and fluffy. Hennifer even looked at me and put her head on my shoulder!!

Lol I don't think her poor husband stands a chance against a bunch of obsessed ladies. We will definitely win and kindly surprise adopt Melissa. I'm sure she wouldn't even mind...

That’s honestly so true about professors. My chemistry one, the guy who gave me a zero, is a complete asshole. It’s safe to say that my evaluation of him will be a long and hefty one. Jon is honestly the goat, im sad that I’m only going to have him for one more semester. although I will be glad that I won’t have to worry about an embarrassing picture of me making it into the slides 😭 4 finals isn’t too bad, and I don’t think any of them are on the same day. At least I hope not. I’m honestly the worst when it comes to studying, but I plan to use tomorrow as a study day, so don’t worry! And to make you proud, I finished my article review paper tonight and turned it in, instead of waiting until tomorrow to do it, which is when it’s due! It was supposed to be 4 pages, but it turned out to be 6 😬

Not Sam losing his 2 other balls! I got Butters 6 tennis balls a couple months ago, and now he only has 2 left 😭 Butters has been a handful today; first he came in from playing in the backyard with a small abrasion on his head which I had to clean it, and now he’s gotten welts around his mouth and on his nose. It looks like he had an allergic reaction to something, but I’m making him sleep in my room so I can keep an eye on him. My two boy animals have caused so much trouble 😭

But your tattoo ideas are amazing!! I remember you sending in those pictures of them too, and I can’t wait for you to get them!! AND THE HOT MILF IS DOING THEM?!?! YOU BETTER BE SENDING IN THE FINISHING WORKS!!

Well since you are technically already “fired,” I guess there are no consequences for calling off work, especially if the company can’t treat the workers properly. And you know what, you absolutely deserve that time off for your traumatic experience with cutting the banana. How the hell did you manage to cut your thumb that was holding the knife??? That’s what I want to know, like how is that even possible 😭

you snatching Hennifer while she was being a menace and stealing the pigs food is honestly gold!! And she even rested her head on your shoulder, that’s so cute!! Also, I absolutely lock her name so much!! It reminds me of Yennefer from The Witcher series. We used to have chickens but we had to get rid of them because A.) they were too loud and B.) my brother got attacked by the rooster and I got in trouble for recording it 🙄

Melissa herself said that her husband doesn’t get jealous, so I’m sure we could figure something out to where we all win 🤷🏻‍♀️

[winterswhite]

Personal rant, CW for talks of blood and medical stuff

The past 5 days have really been so much for me and it... seriously doesn't feel like only 5 days at all with how much has gone on

On Wednesday evening I got home from work feeling extremely weak after telling my QPP repeatedly that I don't feel good, and after I was no longer able to hold my head up or open my eyes without extreme effort my roommate took me to the emergency room where we waited 9ish hours for me to even be taken to a bed and then one or two more to be seen

When they did get there, they said they needed to take blood, give me an IV, do chest x-rays, and a few other tests (I think they tested me for a stroke too) because clearly a lot was wrong

The nurse tried to put the IV in my left arm and then my hand, failing both times because she couldn't find a vein. She then called over a second nurse, who said since I had already been poked twice, she wasn't going to poke me unless she was sure she had one

She left without poking me.

She called over a doctor to come with a whole ass ultrasound setup to use that to find a vein, and they only found a suitable one in my upper right arm, meaning I had to hold it up at an uncomfortable angle the entire time and because of where it was, it also hurt the entire time (only a little, but still)

They also interrupted it in the middle to take more blood ("well that can't be good")

Also, while they were putting the IV in, I remember them struggling to reach the vein, and the pain from them wiggling it around trying to reach my difficult ass vein, and then hearing "how attached are you to this sweatshirt?"

I had... bled all over it (fortunately they stopped the bleeding pretty fast, very different from my last experience with an IV where I nearly bled out on the hospital floor)

Anyway, after wanting to cry from how uncomfortable the whole experience was but eventually managing to sleep through the last half hour of it, they told me about my bloodwork, and a lot is wrong! Some of the things that have always been wrong with me, and some new things, like low thyroid and low potassium, low sodium etc

They scheduled me for a follow-up appointment in a week and I leave, it is now Thursday morning

I picked up the meds they prescribed me and got home around noon, exhausted from not having slept all night, and napped

Only to wake up to a terrible toothache out nowhere, that at its worst was so bad I couldn't lift a finger

I ran to the dentist but they were closing by the time I got there and told me to come back the next morning

I did, and they said I need an emergency root canal, but that it would be hard to find any endodontists who take my insurance, which... yeah, it proved to be impossible

So now, today, I'm scheduled for the root canal, and I have to pay for the whole $1500 out of pocket

Which I haven't reached, but... I'll have to see what I can manage now

Also, through all of this, my workplace is telling me it's "unacceptable" not to show up to work because they're short-staffed. As if I wasn't stuck in the fucking hospital. I worried about getting fired, because I need that money to pay for the fucking root canal and I hadn't even received my first paycheck, so I went in to work yesterday, but wasn't able to finish a full day of work because I felt like Shit

They still told me they need a doctor's note specifically stating that I can't work for x number of days (even though I gave them my emergency room discharge papers to prove I was unwell) before they could believe that I was actually not feeling well enough to work

So I guess I'm going to ask the fucking endodontist for one

And this cuts into my funds for my trip to take the JLPT and some other things in June, which I also really need so I can get a better job. It is absolutely necessary that I take this trip, but I'll no longer have the money for it yet, and travel costs only go up as you get closer to the date of, so lol.

Anyway. It has not even been 5 full days since I first went to the ER. I need a fucking break.

[messofmoss]

tuesday, june 18, 2024

8:27am

i had a lackluster message from julia which already started my day off poorly. but i also had a message from tristan saying good morning when he got off of work. and the only reason he is even doing this is because he wants to get off. he had said he'd let me know when he's off of work. he doesn't want to chat with me. he wants to cum. that's all i'm good for. i feel like a clawing at my skin internally right now. i haven't answered him yet but she wants to. my fingers feel weird so i'm just making a fist and letting it go. i can't think of the word. like this is my hand. i don't have to do this. i shouldn't do this. i don't want to do this. my legs bouncing a mile a minute. i feel like i'm in limbo right now. i'm moving my hands to remind myself they're mine but they don't feel like mine. there's like an ache. oh they're shaking. my hands are cold. i think i am going to toss my phone away so i won't answer him.

9:16am

i just answered him. i am also feeling so itchy, and like if you've taken a pen to a page and angrily scribbled like that's how i feel inside. messy, pointy, frenetic. i told julia in 4 messages that she was in my dream. it wasn't romantic or sexual just kinda silly. all she said was "Oh," oh. just oh. not "lol, that's weird," which, even just that, is fairly dry. but there is nothing to say to oh. if she doesn't want to talk to me, she should just say that. i don't even know why i try anymore. this is all it ever is. me talking at her and her seeming to barely tolerate me. it hurts like so fucking bad dude. why???? why do i even exist? my own best friend doesn't even fucking like me. no one wants to be around me. i'm so stupid. i just want to ghost everyone i know. as if any of them would even care. i'm better off alone. i can throw out all of my masks and just exist alone in my room as this feral thing that doesn't need anybody. all people do is use me. i'm not complimenting her anymore, so what's the point of having me around? she's probably praying i'll stop messaging her. well fuck it i will then.

11:00am

i could never be a parent. i was feeling shitty so i decided to take a nap. i wake up to my mom in my room (extremely rare) calling my name bc grandma is awake and needs her breakfast and coffee and shit. she then told me i scared her because she called me and i wasn't answering. i was downstairs like an hour ago to start a load of laundry.

but i get downstairs and my grandma is sitting there and cheerfully goes hello!! and i was just so angry. i gave a curt hi back. i got her stuff ready and gave it to her then came back up here. now i feel too warm to sleep and that pisses me off more.

she's working from home precisely for this reason that she can take care of her for the day. in the time it took her to come up here and wake me, she could have already had the coffee and meds to her. the coffee is just sticking a cup in the keurig. its not that hard. she literally works like 10 feet from it.

i just want to be left the fuck alone. it's a million degrees, and i want to cry, and the air feels like a blanket, and it's smothering me. i just want to be asleep.

her look of disappointment is still hanging in the air by the doorway.

brain backing track: leavemealoneleavemealoneleavemealoneleavemealoneleavemealoneleavemealoneleavemealoneleavemealone

at the same time: you're so fucking stupid. you're just a burden on her. do you know how much happier she would be if you were gone? how much happier they would all be?

i wish i could shut up all the layers of my thoughts. a torturous tiramisu.

3:54pm

took a nap. still julia has not said anything to me since the "Oh" at 9:13am. she posted to her close friends on insta though. i got a notification but i haven't gone to look yet. i don't want to seem too eager. usually i wait until like 7ish because she'll be asleep by then for sure.

she just messaged me

she still wants to do goodnight messages even if we haven't talked all day? but like she doesn't even seem to want to talk to me in the first place? i am so confused. what does she want?

5:28pm

we ended up talking. she said that she wasn't mad at me but she wasn't going to pretend everything is normal after the voice messages i sent. she said she felt we aren't on the same page and should talk about it. she basically said that we should come to a middle ground but she wanted me to know her not doing certain things isn't because she doesn't care but because those things in particular are hard for her.

9:25pm

she doesn't care about me. she only cares about cris. has it even bothered her that we have been in a weird place? did she miss me? no. just cris. i'm just the backup friend. no one cares about me for more than what they can use me for. if i just disappeared, who would notice? who would care? i just want to be entirely alone. i don't want to have to see people or hear people or be around people anymore. all it leads is to pain anyway. maybe if i wasn't so fucking awkward, people would actually like me.

the last two days at work, i opened with taylor and she kept talking to me but i don't know how i'm supposed to respond. i could tell by her face that i wasn't giving the correct responses. i'm forever just awkward weird katy. i wanted her to just leave me alone to save myself the embarrassment but i also don't want that because then it will just confirm that no one likes me. why is small talk so painful

[gimme-all-your-money]

Am now day one post breast reduction! Hella sore, swollen and tired, and I'm not allowed to shower yet or use icepacks, and yet I can't stop looking at myself in the mirror because holy shit?? Mg boobs are small now??? They don't take up 60% of my torso anymore??? Ive wanted this since high school, and when I scheduled it it still seemed so far away, and then yesterday all I had to do was breathe in some gas and I woke up and it was done just like that!! Once I'm out of the hazy narcotic and pain phase I know I'm gonna be even more over the moon than I am already. I can't fucking wait to be able to just. Not wear a bra. And they're small enough now that I can have a flat chest when I feel a little more masc, but can still have cute little titties when I want to!! Overall, fucking stoked, and now it's time for my second nap of the day lol

[strshn]

I haven't posted in so so so long. but I promise you it's a good thing. I honestly almost forgot I had this blog lmao. things have gotten so much better! are they as good as I want them to be? of course not. but it's the best they've been literally ever. I still struggle a ton but idk. things are just so different...

my 4 year anniversary with my boyfriend is coming up. how insane is that??? I've waited and yearned and begged my whole life for love, and I am trying my best to never take it for granted, not even for a second. I am so lucky to have him by my side.

I've come out to people irl... IN. REAL. LIFE. I go by my preferred name and pronouns to my bf, my friends, I even told my mom this past weekend and it's been nothing but support. tbf I have only told people that I know will be supportive, but still. it feels amazing, and freeing in a way I could have never guessed.

I'm off my meds. all of them. have been for I think almost 2 years now. ditched therapy too. and I'm not saying it's a good thing, I do wish I had some support in the way of a therapist, and maybe some meds would make things even better but idk I've been coping on my own. somehow lol. it's hard and I get exhausted very easily and I so very much wish I could do more on a daily basis but I do what I can, and I forgive myself for not being able to do more. I praise myself for what I can accomplish, even if it's minimal. I cook, I clean, I take care of our cats. I get so tired so easily but... I'm doing more now than I ever did on meds, and frankly it's so fucking strange.

is life hard? absolutely. but I've grown and changed and things are different but also better. my bpd is almost like an afterthought? yes I still experience symptoms. but idk. it's not the same as it was. maybe because I'm happy and secure in my relationship, it's a long term commitment. I have in the back of my mind that it could still end up going terribly wrong, but I don't dwell on it like younger me probably would have. I have bad days, sure. depression isn't gonna go away. and neither will anxiety or ADHD. probably have autism too but I haven't really gotten into that rabbit hole yet.

but idk. I'm just glad to be doing okay. and not having the extreme moods like I used to. do I still hate myself and want to unalive myself from time to time? of course! but. it's more like "I'm tired and the world sucks and I'm sick of working myself to death and still not having enough money to survive can this please end already" which I think is reasonable and a lot of ppl feel that way. the world does suck. but I keep going for my cats and my boyfriend. idk it all sucks but I know there is nothing else to do.

I sleep a lot. I'm tired a lot. I have some physical ailments I need to get fixed. mentally idk. it's just a strange time for me. I'm able to just ignore my shit most of the time, or when I can't, I cry it out and take a nap and try to tell myself that I can keep going, and I will be okay. even if maybe it isn't true, I mean who knows.

I stream on twitch sometimes. I'm working on finding good friends. I'm working on officially coming out. I'm working on getting better at makeup and hair. I'm working on trying to figure out how to write again. Overall, I'm working on being exactly who I want to be. and it feels awesome.

I know this page is usually depressing. I've had a rough life and need somewhere to vent. at least this one time I can vent about how good I am beginning to feel. how good my life has turned out to be even if I still struggle a lot of days, especially financially I struggle a ton. but I'm still here and more queer than ever lol. and I'm doing all right.

I always used to see "it gets better" posts and I half wanted to believe them and half told myself it would never ever happen for me. maybe everyone else but never me... well it's happened for me. it is still happening, tbh. every day things are looking up, even the days where I feel down. it's, at the very least, not the same as it used to be. and I'll take anything over the heart-wrenching emotions I used to feel daily. the mood swings, the obsessions, the infatuations, the utter hopelessness of everyday life for me was so overwhelming. I'm glad it has toned down for me, and thing have changed. and that things are even slightly better.

I have no outlook or expectations for the future. but I think that's for the best. I have things I want to do here and now, and I'll worry about the rest later. I'm just happy I'm finally becoming who I want to be, and I'm happy I have any amount of happiness and love in my life. that's all I ever wanted, love. and I think I have it! so don't be so glum, younger me, or anyone out there reading this that can relate to how I used to think and act and feel. it will be okay. and as cliche as it is, it will get better. or at the very least, things will change with time. things will not stay the same, things will evolve and change and mutate and metamorphosize. things will change, the future will be different. and idk that just gives me hope, that I won't be stuck in one place or one feeling or one rut forever.

the future is open and a mystery, flow into it and go along with it. it will be worth it to see the world, and your self, in a different light.